Marley & Me (2008) - full transcript

You know, there's nothing
like the experience...

of raising your first dog.

Simplejoy of walking side by side
with your buddy out in the fresh air...

throwin'a stick.

Spending some quiet time-
just you and your very best friend.

Of course, that wasn't my experience.

That kid's not even me.

That's me, and that crazy hound
I'm chasing is Marley...

- the world's worst dog-
- Sorry!

- Or so I thought.
- Marley!

But our story begins
before Marley was born-



Four years before,
on my wedding day-

which also happened to be the day
of the worst freak spring blizzard...

in the history of southern Michigan.

Same day our car broke down.
We didn't care.

Ooh. God, that feels so good.

Ohh!

Wow. So, what do you think-

What do you think that means-
a blizzard on your wedding day?

Is that good luck?
Is that bad luck?

I think- I think it's good luck.

- How did I get you?
- What?

No, honestly. How did I-
How did I get that lucky?

Well, you know...

I get asked that question all the time.



Come on.

Are you kidding, honey?

You're part of the plan.

- The plan?
- Mm-hmm. My plan. Step one-

Meet an incredibly sweet,
smart, sexy man.

Done. Step two?

Marry you instead.

Oh, now-And step three-

- No, I don't think I can take any more steps.
- You don't wanna hear step three?

- Yeah. What's step three?
- It's easy.

- Be gentle.
- Move someplace warmer.

I knew you were gonna say that.

Shiny, happy people laughing

Meet me in the crowd

People, people

Throw your love around

Love me, love me

Take it into town

Happy, happy

Put it in the ground

Where the flowers grow

Gold and silver shine

Shiny, happy people
holding hands

Shiny, happy people

- Thank you.
- All right, you know you got this, right?

- Oh, yeah. I got it.
- Who are you?

- I'm John Grogan?
- No, you'reJohn friggin' Grogan...

who's about to get
a job as a reporter...

for a major metropolitan newspaper.

- Mmm. Mmm.
- Good. Good. But now I don't feel like getting out of the car.

- You have to. No, baby.
- Maybe we'll just drive around the block.

Come on, get out of the car. Get out.

- Now, who am I again?
- Oh, please.

Sebastian says you won some kind of award.

Mitchie. I have a Mitchie.

It's like a Pulitzer,
but from western Michigan.

A Mitchie.

So, tell me-What made you
leave the estimable...

Kalamazoo Gazette?

Well, as you know, Sebastian
and I were in college together...

And he w- He was-

He was always saying
how great south Florida is...

and that maybe my wife and I might enjoy it
here, so we decided to come down here.

- Are you a comedian too?
- Excuse me?

Like your friend over here.

- No.
- He's walking a very thin line.

It's a good thing he knows how to write.

So your wife is Jenny Havens?

Yes. Jenny Grogan-
'Cause we're married. She took my name.

- She get the job at the Post?
- Yes, she did.

- Why didn't they want you over there?
- Well, I didn't apply.

Jenny's more of a feature writer...

and I'm more of
a straight news writer.

- I thought this would be a better fit for that.
- You think you're better...

than the six journalism school graduates
that came here looking for work this morning?

I don't know if I'm better. L-

What I do know is that I have
a tendency to surprise myself.

Ten years ago I was doing bong hits
and playing Donkey Kong.

I never dreamed
I'd get into college, but I did...

and I graduated with honors.

And I never thought I'd get a job
at a real newspaper, but I did.

And I certainly never thought
I'd get a girl...

likeJenny Havens
to marry me, but I did.

- So?
- They've already got a guy on the metro desk.

Yeah.

- I'm sorry, honey.
- Mmm. So they're putting me on a little thing...

they like to call Desert Storm.

- You got the job?
- I got the job.

You got the job, baby! Ooh!

John Grogan, I knew it!

I just knew it! Okay, Look.

Watch this. Look.
See what happens?

"Job. Done. "

- Okay, so what's next? Lunch?
- House.

- House.
- House.

...planes that can
transmit remote television pictures...

of Iraqi ships and other targets.

Did- Did you get to the quote
about the speed bumps yet?

- "'If they save even one life"'-
- "'... it would be worth it. '

And with that, Jan Dickerson's eyes
filled with tears. "

- Filled with tears.
- You like that?

- Or is it too corny?
- Yeah. No.

Is it a little over the top?

Hey, honey, what happened
to the, uh- the Desert Storm piece?

- That's it. The injured girl's dad's in Kuwait.
- Oh.

- Is that not in there?
- Uh-

Uh-uh. I think they cut that.

They-They spelled your name wrong.

- "John Gorgon. "
- You're kidding. Let me see that.

- Forget it.
- Are you joking?

Forget it. You know what?
It's good. It's really good.

It's got the facts.
It's got color.

- It's a really solid piece.
- Thanks.

Well, I mean, I tried to breathe
some life into it, you know-

- Yes.
- I like this article. I'm almost done with yours.

This idea of voting machines
sounds really efficient.

Well, when you get
to the next page, you'll see...

- that I talk about what could happen.
- Hey, it- Oh, okay. I see.

- It continues.
- Yeah.

But actually, the rest of it...

is really just okay.

- It's actually kind of boring.
- No, no. L- It's-

- I'm enjoying this.
- Mmm.

Wow. They really gave you
a lot of space.

Oh, damn. Killed another one.

How am I ever supposed to take care of
a kid if I can't even keep a plant alive?

Well, what'd you expect, man?

You bought a house-
A house with a spare room.

What's the matter with a spare room?

It's empty, John, that's what's wrong
with it. You know what else is empty?

Her womb.

- I'm just worried thatJenny's at, like, step seven.
- What?

She's got her whole life
organized and planned out...

- according to these steps.
- Okay, that's scary.

Unbelievable.
You want my advice? Get her, like, a bird.

Or a puppy or something.

- A parakeet or something?
- Something other than you that she has to take care of.

You got a kid, you're a dad.
You're not you anymore.

- You got a dog, you're a-
- Master.

- You're still a guy.
- Still got a life.

- Exactly.
- And a dog.

Yeah, but you've stopped
her clock for a few years.

- I've never had a dog.
- There's nothin' to it. You feed 'em.

You walk 'em. You let 'em out
every now and again.

But it doesn't really matter. You're not
the one that's gonna take care of it, Jenny is.

- Sebastian!
- Yo.

Your travel's been approved.
Hit the road.

- Where you goin'?
- I'm going to Colombia.

I got a guy down there says he can
put me next to Pablo Escobar.

I'm doin' a piece-

I follow a single coca leaf from
the jungle to the streets of Miami.

That sounds like a good idea.
You gotta be careful down there-

- Gorman!
- G-Grogan.

Groden. There's a fire
in the county dump-

- Methane leak.
- Methane?

Yeah. I want two paragraphs
for the Blotter.

Methane. Woodward
and Bernstein, eat your heart out.

What kind of dog?

- You remember Caroline?
- The nurse?

She was a nursery school teacher.
I don't know.

Anyway, she had
this great dog- Daisy.

It was a Labradoodle.

Labradoodle? You mean a Labrador.

All right. Get her a Labrador.

Supposed to bejust like kids,
only easier to train.

Labradoodle? Come on.

This does not smell like an I HOP.

I know. We got a little surprise first.

- Here we go. Now, I want you to walk right here, my dear.
- Okay.

- Come on.
- Oh, God.

Okay.

- You Grogan?
- Yes.

- Expected you an hour ago.
- You're gonna like this.

Okay, step up. Sorry.

Sorry about the mess-

- And the noise and the smell.
- What's happening?

Come on.

- Can I look?
- No, no. Just-Almost. Almost.

- Okay. Okay. Ready?
- Really?

One, two, three. Go.
Happy birthday.

What?

God, they're adorable.

Oh, my- My birthday's
not for a month.

That's okay. They can't leave
for three weeks anyway.

- We didn't discuss this.
- I know, but it's a surprise. You can't.

- Hi, guys.
- Just adopted the mom last month.

Family that gave her up didn't
even know she was pregnant.

- Are you sure we're ready for this?
- Well, like I told you...

you gotta wait three weeks for them to
be weaned before you can bring 'em home.

- I'm not even gonna be here.
- Why?

- I'll be in Gainesville, covering that trial.
- Oh, that's right.

That's okay. It'll give me
a chance to bond with him...

- and get a head start on training 'im-
- That's true.

- Get 'im squared away before you get home.
- That's true.

- Well, how are we gonna pick one?
- Girls are 300.

Boys are 275.

Except for that little guy there.
Him you could have for 200 even.

This one? You're so sweet.
You're like a little clearance puppy.

- Hello, puppy.
- This one likes you.

Clearance Puppy likes you.

- Well, that's your guy.
- Aw.

I was gonna pick you anyway.

Don't tell anybody.
Don't tell the others.

We gotta double-time itjust a little here, honey.

- Really wish I didn't have to go.
- Are you kidding me?

It's gonna be great.
You spent eight months on this trial.

- Honestly, I'm jealous.
- Really?

Tax evasion? That's what
makes you jealous?

Well, it's sexier than speed bumps.

- Okay, you call me the minute you get him home.
- Okay. Okay.

- We also have to come up with a name for him.
- Yes. Let's brainstorm it.

I'll just call him Clearance Puppy
till you get back.

- Are you gonna be okay?
- You're worried about me with a puppy?

- I am.
- Me, John friggin' Grogan?

- I know.
- Good-bye. I love you. You look pretty.

- Thank you. I love you. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.

How ya doin' there, buddy?

Kind of a big day for you.

Let's listen to the radio.

Awkward silences.

- One love
- You like that? You like Bob Marley?

- Let's get together and
- Bob. That be a good name?

- Feel all right
- Bob. Bob. Come here, Bob. Or Robert?

When you got older.
More dignified.

- The children cryin'
- Marley?

- Sayin'give thanks and praise
- You like that.

That has a nice ring to it.

- Feel all right
- Okay. Whoa.

It's better if you ride shotgun.

- Because we don't wanna have a car crash-
- And feel all right

our first real day together.

Let them all pass all their

Dirty remarks

- Okay, come here. Come here.
- There is one question

It's a big day. You can ride over here.

Maybe it's okay today.
Just this one time.

We get pulled over, we explain-

We explain what
the circumstances are.

To save his own beliefs

One love-

- What happened?
- The Millers got robbed.

Again? Good thing I got a watchdog.

Hey, buddy. He's got some teeth.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get him some water.

You're not gonna keep him
in the backyard, are you?

I'm gonna keep him in the garage
till I get him house trained.

- Hmm.
- No, Marley, Marley, Marley. No, no.

No, no, no, no.

You've had enough food, Marley.
You've had two bowls ofkibble.

You had half a seat belt in the car.

Huh. H-How are you still eating?

I don't understand where
you can put it.

Here's the little box where
Marley's gonna bunk down.

Pretty cozy.

All right. Good night.

You're gonna be okay.

I'm just right inside.

Sleep tight.

All right.

Come on, Marley.

You're killin' me, you know that?

Oh, we got some cleanin' up
to do before the missus gets back.

All right.

I'm off to the airport...

and you're gonna ride out
the rain right in your little box.

It's just a little thunder.
Back in a flash.

- Get in. Here.
- Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Aaah.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- How's my puppy?
- I'm okay.

A little tired, but trying to stay dry.

- No, really. How is he?
- Waiting for you.

Do you hear that?
Is that- I think that's Marley.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Look at this!

This is not how I left it.

- How long did you leave him?
- I left him for maybe an hour.

Tops. Did he eat the drywall?

- Oh, that's not right.
- Wow.

That's one little dog did that.

Oh, honey, you're shaking.

Does thunder scare you, mister?

Oh, ho. Sweet boy.

Oh, look at us.

So I'm in this cave and-
and I can feel the machine guns.

There's, like, nine of them around me.

- What, like AK-47 s?
- Kalashnikov.

- And then Escobar comes in and says-
- Escobar?

El Padrino-Yeah. He says,
"I read your piece on Gadhafi...

and I think you captured
his narcissism perfectly. "

- Can you believe that?
- Some of it.

Man, I wish you
could have been there.

But then who's gonna cover the power
struggle down at the Rotary Club in Delray?

Oh, it's been just crazy.

- Your time will come, amigo.
- I'll drink to that.

That was crazy. Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!
- That is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

- Hey.
- Say hello, Marley.

- Hey, little Marley.
- Can I hold him?

Of course. Here you go.

- He's so cute.
- Oh, I love their puppy breath.

Oh. Have you guys met my buddy Sebastian?

Sebastian. Viviana.
Nice to meet you.

- Hi. I'm Shannon.
- Hey, he's a beauty, isn't he?

- He's adorable.
- I think the "puppy instead of a baby" idea is working.

- Yeah, it's certainly working for me.
- Can I take him home with me?

You're so cute. Yes, you are.

I can't let you have the puppy, but
you might have a shot with the big dog.

- I'm easy.
- Oh, you're easy.

And I do tricks.
I'm paper trained.

Marley! Marley!

- Come back, puppy.
- Marley! Marley!

Marley!

Marley. Marley!

- Marley!
- Puppy!

- Got him. Thanks.
- You have got to be more careful, man.

It's our first week together,
so we're still working out the kinks.

You really shouldn't bring a dog
down to the dog beach until he's trained.

Okay, can I get the dog back?

Never let him off leash
unless you have complete confidence.

- Okay.
- This is the only beach in two counties...

- where dogs aren't banned.
- All right.

Cops see anybody peeing or pooping
down by the water, they'll shut us down.

Why is that funny to you?

I'm just very immature.

Calvin!

See? Aren't you glad
you're not Calvin?

See how easy you got it?

Marley, stop!

Marley. Marley.

Honey, the dog's got my-

Marley, no.

Marley, you can't go
through a screen door.

We're rockin'the suburbs

Around the block
just one more time

We're rockin'the suburbs

- We part the shades and face some facts
- Happy Thanksgiving.

- You too.
- They got better looking fescue

Marley!

It just seems like
that there's other guys.

- Like, I don't understand why you thought of me.
- I'm in a bind.

Yeah, but I'm a reporter.
I'm not a columnist.

John, you get better pay...

you can pick your own hours
and choose your own topics.

- Why are you hesitating?
- No, I'm thinking.

No, you're hesitating. I'm offering you
a promotion, and you're hesitating.

I never saw myself as a columnist.

Well, think of it as one of those times
when you surprise yourself.

- Okay.
- John, it's only a couple of times a week...

till I get a replacement forJerry.

Then you can go back to doing
whatever the hell it was you were doing.

- What were you doing?
- Obituaries, methane leaks.

- Are you okay with this?
- Yes.

- You don't seem very thrilled.
- No, it's a promotion.

- We could take away the raise in pay if you like.
- No, no. I'm-Thank you.

All right. Now you're talking.
Go on. Get to work.

Oh! Marley. I think
he dislocated my shoulder.

God. He doesn't even heel.

He doesn't walk.
He just sprints.

Marley- God.

Marley, stop.

I had to pull him
off three dogs today.

- Poodles?
- Among others.

I say we give him away to a farm.

Isn't that usually what you do
with dogs that are out of control?

Well, usually you-
Usually you train them.

Or you train 'em.
Come on. Down. Go on.

What are you doing?

Arnie gave me a column.

Are you kidding?
Baby, that's great.

Oh, yeah. It's a big honor.

I get to write about zoning laws...

and give my opinion on yard sales.

Whoa. Down, boy.
Easy with the enthusiasm.

Well, no, it's just, I don't even read
this crap when other people write it.

Now I'm supposed to, you know,
write two columns a week?

And you got nothin'for Tuesday.

No. I got nothin' for Tuesday.

I bet you're gonna
think of something.

Now, see, this gives me a little
inspiration, but it's not for a column.

It's more like-

Look at Marley.
Now he's eating the floor.

Marley, stop.

Marley, you're incorrigible.

Incorrigible? I don't believe in that word.

Every dog wants to learn.

Hey, come here, baby.

Yes, you're a good girl.
You're a good girl.

Yes, you are.

'Course, they can't learn
if their parents are weak-willed.

Yeah. Well, I'm pretty
strong-willed, but-

- Marley-
- Say hello to Marley.

So which of you is gonna be the trainer?

Well, we both thought we would, 'cause
we'd like him to listen to both of us at home.

- We're married too. Yeah.
- No, no, no, no.

A dog can only have one master.

Which one of you has the most natural
authority in your own relationship?

Well, maybe I'll stand
over there for the beginning.

I thought so. Shall we?

- Geez!
- All right, sit.

Sit. Sit.

Sit. Marley.

Okay. Marley- Marley, sit.

This, class, is a classic example of a dog...

who has foolishly been
allowed to believe...

he is the alpha male of the pack...

and therefore, he can never be a happy animal.

Yeah. He looks pretty miserable.

You, joker, rotate in.

And lose the sunglasses.

Dog likes to be
looked at in the eye.

- Jawohl.
- I got it.

- Okay.
- Okay. You got him?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

So. Collar your dogs.

Good boy.

All right, dogs on the left.

On the count of three.

One, two, three. Let's go.

Very nice. Very good.

Good.

- Hey!
- Correct him!

- Whoa!
- Rein in that dog.

All right. All right, class.

Come on. Let's line up again.

Class, it's a simple question
of having confidence...

in your own authority.

I shall now demonstrate a simple walk.

All right?

Mr. Grogan?

- Sorry.
- May I?

All right, even an unruly dog...

likes to obey his leader.

Marley, heel.

Yeah.

Marley. Marley!

Marley! Marley!

Marley.

Careful. Marley, no!

Marley!

Aaah! That's it. He is out.

Sorry. Usually he does this with poodles.

That dog is a bad influence on the others.

Now, leg humping is like a virus.

Once it takes hold of the group- No.

- Okay.
- He has got to go.

It was maybe your hair.

- Reminded him of a poodle.
- Never bring him back.

Right from the beginning
she had me in her sights.

- I know. She really did.
- Marley wouldn't take any of her crap.

That's why he got kicked out.

You are now the world's worst dog.

You've been kicked out
of obedience school.

You know, there is
something else that we could do.

No, I know. We just-We get a-

No. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm smiling, but I'm serious. No.

It's not gonna be so bad, buddy.

You'll see. Sex is overrated.

Aw, I can't tell you that,
'cause you know it's a lie.

Poor son of a bitch.

Okay. You wanna come up?
Yeah. That's the least I can do.

- Marley!
- Get a little fresh air.

Oh, gosh. It's like he's
walking the plank.

I mean, that's what
breaks my heart, is he's so happy.

- He doesn't know what's coming.
- Honey, he's gonna be fine.

- Oh, no, no, no. That makes me nervous.
- He's okay.

He's just getting a little air.

It's like Of Mice and Men.

- No, Marley-
- Oh, John, please-

- Oh, my God.
- He's makin' a break for it.

He's onto our evil plan.

- Pull over.
- I can't stop here. I can't.

- Honey, pull over.
- I'm trying to. There's a ton of traffic.

- Pull over!
- All right, all right. All right.

- Jesus.
- I need a little help here.

Hey, get a leash.

- Shut up.
- He's losing his balls today. Cut him some slack.

You got him? Careful. Careful.

This is a rough draft, 'cause I'd like
to take another pass at it.

You know, the beginning,
I think I might want-

I think we can maybe lose that,
'cause I think it gets a little bit "jokey. "

I just reread it, and I didn't think
it really worked at all. I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna go back and do the zoning piece.
- Wait. Wait a minute.

What are you apologizing for?
This stuff is hysterical.

- Really?
- I'm laughing my head off at this.

The-The getting kicked out
of obedience school...

the humping, the great escape-

That's really funny stuff.
I'm laughing my ass off.

It's hysterical stuff.

Run it- the way it is.

Thanks.

Listen. You know what makes it work?

What makes it work is that
you put yourself into it. I like that.

- Good.
- Look, I know you're a reporter and all...

but could you do
a few more things like this?

- Sure.
- Great.

- Okay, great.
- And tell your dog not to feel too bad.

Sooner or later,
we all lose our balls.

Hey, good to know.

Woke up to a kiss from Marley.

Went for a walk
that turned into a run.

Took an airboat ride. Wrote a column
about the death of the Everglades.

Planted an orange tree
in the backyard.

Threw sticks for Marley in the park.
Watched him swim in the bay.

Watched him steal some guy's Frisbee.
Bought a new Frisbee for the guy.

Gave Marley a bath.
Went to work with writers'block.

Hoped for inspiration
to strike. Nada.

Got a new shirt.
Got a new keyboard.

Got the same old paycheck.
Went wind surfing with Sebastian.

Met his new girlfriend Sasha.
Met his other new girlfriend Angie.

Watched models posing in the surf.

Wrote a column about
the growth of South Beach.

Interviewed Gloria and Emilio Estefan
at the Cordozo Hotel.

Introduced them toJenny,
who gushed like a teenager.

Went shopping at the mall.
Bought a Sharper Image pillow.

Slept like a baby.
Caught Marley eating the pillow.

Hid the evidence from Jenny.
Cleaned up Marley's vomit in the kitchen.

Helped Jenny make dinner. Overcooked
the spaghetti. Got into a food fight.

Proofread Jenny's column.
Read Sebastian's latest opus.

Went running with Marley
to burn off frustration.

Didn't see him chew through the leash.
Chased him 15 blocks.

Had to call Jenny for a ride.

Wrote a column about gas prices.
Wrote a column about water prices.

Found one tiny orange on our tree.
Jenny very pleased with herself.

Found my first gray hair. Found Jenny's
first gray hair. BoughtJenny flowers.

Rescued our new mailman from Marley.
Rescued a U.P.S. Guy from Marley.

Invited my parents to visit. Took them out
to dinner at a cool place on South Beach.

Got into a fight with Dad over the check.
Got into a fight with Dad about money.

Got into a fight with Jenny
about all the fighting.

Drove my parents to the airport.

Listened to them complain
about not having grandchildren.

Tracked a hurricane
heading for south Florida.

Hid in the bathroom during the hurricane.
Sat in the dark for three days.

Wrote a column about looters.
Wrote a column about volunteers.

Wrote a column about the beauty
of air conditioning.

Watched Marley dig
for buried treasure.

Spent Christmas with Jen's sister
and her family in Orlando.

Left Marley at their house to go to Disney
World. Had to buy 'em new baby furniture.

SawJen light up
around the little girls.

Got a flat driving home.
Wrote a column about state troopers.

Wrote a column about toll booths.
Went to dinner to celebrateJenny's raise.

Tied Marley to the table.

Marley, come here!

Chased Marley and the table.
Caught the table.

Wrote a column about Marley
pulling the table.

Tried to write a column about
anything but Marley. Nada.

Picked oranges from our tree.
Made orangejuice.

Drove down to Miami for
Bark in the Park Night at the Marlins game.

Brought Marley, who turned out
to be a real baseball fan.

Tried to stop him from chasing
a foul ball in the stands.

Tried to stop him from chasing
a foul ball on the field.

Wrote a column about the ball game.
Took crap from Sebastian about it.

Met his new girlfriend.
Can't remember her name.

Went snorkeling with them.
Cut my leg on a piece of coral.

Went to the emergency room.
Wrote a column about hospitals.

Went to an Easter egg hunt atJenny's
boss's house in Boca. Drank mimosas.

Met a doctor who does
three liposuctions a day.

Wrote a column about nannies in Boca.
Wrote a column about the women of Boca.

Wrote a column
about writing columns.

Came home to find Jenny
dancing with Marley.

Tried to think of reasons
not to have a baby now.

Nada.

Why don't you just
let him off the leash?

Because although I love him,
I don't trust him.

Honey, it's been two years.
He's never had an accident.

I know, 'cause I never
let him off the leash.

We're not gonna be the guys who get
Dog Beach shut down, are we, Marley?

Nope.

Okay. So what's next?

Um, ice cream?

No. I mean on your list.

- My list?
- Jen, the list-

Your little play list that you had when
we got married that had the game plan.

- It was basically my marching orders.
- My plan?

Your plan. I wanna know
what's next. Scare me.

- You really wanna know?
- Hit me.

- Well, it's a toss-up between the new roof-
- Very practical.

And, uh- and a baby.

I could live with a few leaks.

- Really?
- Yeah, a couple.

But you know, a couple leaks
turn into maybe one big leak...

and then that big leak becomes
a very big responsibility.

- That's true.
- We may want to think about fixing a lot of things...

- before we start-
- Well, honey, we already fixed Marley.

If we fix too many more things, then
I think this conversation becomes moot.

John, are you serious?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

- You realize we're not talking about an actual roof here.
- Yes.

I got that. About halfway
through I picked it up.

Good metaphor though.

And you're not just saying this 'cause
you think it'll lead to some funny columns?

Honey, come on. I mean,
if I get some funny columns...

that's collateral damage
I think we can live with.

I mean, I'm ready... if you are.

Well, instead of trying
to have a baby...

why don't just stop
trying not to have one?

- Okay, if I'm following you
correctly, and I think I am- - Uh-huh.

This is the part-We head back,
we take it off, we get it on.

Yes, but you'll- It'll have a little
more romance than that.

- Yeah, we'll get some candles, some Sade of course.
- Sade?

- Honey?
- Yeah?

Did you have kibble today?

Marley, come on. Marley, go.

Honey, he's a dog.
He won't know what he's looking at.

No, no, trust me. He knows,
and he resents the hell out of me.

- Go on, Marley. You have to go.
- Oh, baby, please focus. Focus.

- Okay. All right.
- Mm-hmm.

Good. Good. It's even better
than the last one.

- Thank you.
- You're very good, Grogan.

I like that piece you did
in Boca last week on the woman.

- What'd you call her?
- "Boca-hantas. "

- Is that true- She had her boobs done four times?
- That's what she said.

Hysterical. And is that true
about you and your wife?

- You're trying to have a kid?
- Well, you know, we're not really trying...

- 'cause we don't wanna-
- How does that work?

- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean, you having sex?

- Yeah.
- Did you pull the goalie?

- Yeah.
- Then you're trying.

Congratulations. Good work.

"Not trying" trying?

Oh, yeah. 'Course, you'd know that
if you ever read my column.

Hey, all due respect, but does
anybody ever read your column?

Come on. I bring Marley out here
to help you run your game...

on these poor girls,
and this is the thanks we get.

- How long you been at it?
- A few months.

- What changed your mind?
- Well, here's the thing.

I'm actually married to someone...

and I care about what she wants.

Well, is it what you want?

Yeah.

- I guess that answers my other question.
- Yeah?

I'm about to do a piece
on the growth...

of the domestic drug trade
for the Times magazine.

- You're freelancing for the New York Times?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but it's a big story.

Too big for one guy and, uh, I was
hoping you'd write it with me.

Are you kidding me?

- Be a chance for us to work together.
- Yeah, I would love that.

Of course, it will be
a lot of work, a lot of travel.

I would hope so.

Maybe not the best job for, uh,
somebody with a kid on the way.

Well, that's not necessarily
happening right this very second.

Let me talk it-There she is.

- Honey, how are you?
- Hi.

I'm just calling to let you know that
there's a naked woman in your bed.

Why don't the two of you get started,
and I'll be there as soon as I can?

Oh, very funny.

But seriously,
can you come home now?

Hey. We're home.

Hi.

You know the baby thing? I've been
thinking, maybe we should take a break.

You know? Obviously it's not working,
and maybe it's nature's way...

of saying now's
not the right timing.

I mean, maybe it's a sign that we're
not quite ready for this, that-

- I mean, have we really thought this-
- John.

I'm pregnant.

- Great.
- Mm-hmm.

Wow. Great. Really?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

You were-You were just saying-

No, don't worry.
That was, like-

It sounds so awkward now,
like I just have this, like...

very, you know, idiotic
soliloquy that doesn't apply...

and I'm really excited.

- Do you want to start over?
- I would love to.

- That would be great. Can we?
- By all means.

Good.

- I'm pregnant.
- What? No!

Yes!

Listen. Don't make
the same mistake I did.

- What?
- There's gonna come a time very soon...

- where her ankles are gonna swell up.
- No, I'm ready for that.

- She's gonna have blotches all over her face.
- Yeah.

She'll be 40 pounds overweight.

- She'll be throwing up all the time.
- I'm not ready for that.

She's gonna look at you
and she's gonna say...

"You bastard. You did this to me. "

What-What happened to the glow?
The-You know, the-

There's no glow. Get her a gift.

That'll dissipate some of the anger.

Uh, earrings, uh, bracelet-

That's thoughtful.
It's a good idea.

- Maybe I'll get on it right now.
- There's a jewelry store on the corner.

- All right.
- Mention my name.

Oh, John.

It's just beautiful.

It's just... beautiful.

Honey, thank you.

You're welcome. I was just
walking by this-Thinking of you-

- Yeah?
- And I saw that in the window and I go...

- "I'm getting this. "
- That's so sweet.

- Yeah, well- Do you like it?
- I love it.

Yeah, well, put it on. Or let me put it on.
I think it's better luck.

- Where'd it go?
- What'd you do with it?

- You just set it down, I thought.
- I just had it.

- Did you drop it?
- No, I put it right here.

It didn't just disappear.

Oh, God.

- Marley. No- Marley, spit it out.
- No, no.

Go to the kitchen. Go to the kitchen.

Marley, I have a treat.

Come here.

Stay. Marley, stay.

Good boy. Yeah.

Marley!

Marley!

Come here, Marley.

Geez.

- Marley, drop it.
- Marley.

- Marley.
- Is it there? Oh, honey, I don't see it.

Marley, you gotta
lay off the mangoes.

You know, years ago,
when I imagined my life...

somehow standing in the backyard...

hosing down your crap, looking
for my wife's swallowed, recycled...

ass-kissing gift
never jumped to mind.

Which shows you gotta dream big...

'cause- Oh. Jackpot.

My, that's a lovely necklace. So shiny.

- Yes, it is.
- And how's that crazy dog of yours?

I read your columns every week.

- Oh.
- Oh. So you're the one.

I think you'll get a kick out of next week's column.

The heartbeat'll be very fast-
Like a little train. That's normal.

Is it- Is it too early
to tell the sex?

L- Not that I care.

Can be male, female-
Whatever sex he wants.

Unambiguous genitalia...

- if I had my druthers, but-
- Shh. Hang on.

Sometimes you can't hear it, depending
on how the baby's lying.

- You're 10 weeks, right?
- Monday I'll be 10 weeks.

Hmm. Well, might be
a little too early for that.

Let's go right to the sonogram.
Did you bring your blank tape?

- Oh, yes.
- Yes. Yes.

- That's warm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Let's get a good picture for you first, huh?
- Okay.

It'll be right up
on the monitor here.

Excuse me. I'll be just a minute.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

Let's take a look
at your baby, shall we?

All right.

Is there anything in there?

Not what you would expect
to see at 10 weeks.

I'm not- I'm not quite 10 weeks.

At Monday it's still,
I guess, nine weeks.

Nine weeks.

There's no heartbeat, Jen.

I'm very, very sorry.

These things-They happen sometimes.
We don't know why.

You're young. You have your health.

Couple months,
you guys can try again.

I'm sorry. All right, I'm gonna-

I'll leave you guys alone for a moment
and we'll talk some more.

I'm very sorry.

Well, in a couple months
we can try again, okay?

You want some tea?

You know what I was thinking-
That we, uh-

We still have those tickets
from your parents...

for the honeymoon in Ireland.

We could finally do that.
Maybe take some time off.

Jenny?

- Oh, he's... big.
- Oh, yeah. He's a hundred pounds.

- Now, he just wants to say hello here.
- Yeah.

- He loves people.
- Just be calm. You just stay still.

And you're a dog person, right?

- Actually, I'm-
- Ready? Here we go.

Go on, you can say hello.

No, no, don't let him do that.
Sorry. Sorry.

All you have to do is-
You just knee him if he does that.

That shouldn't happen all the time.
Just when you walk through the door.

But here, read this. This'll tell you
everything you need to know.

- I've got the bags here.
- Have you got everything?

- Thank you. Come on, honey.
- Can you get that door?

- I got it.
- Okay. Here we are.

- Honey, we're really late.
- Oh! Marley. Marley.

Debby, welcome to our home.

Marley is a spirited dog
who loves interaction.

We've never left him before,
but we are sure he'll behave...

just as he does when we're at home.

There arejust a few things about
Marley you're gonna need to know.

He eats three times a day.

The looks starved, feed him again.

Now, of course, all of this food
is gonna have to go somewhere...

so use the blue pooper scooper,
and watch your step.

Don't worry about the color.
He likes mangoes.

Marley is not allowed
to drink out of the toilet...

so be sure to keep the lid closed...

and the brick on the lid.

You know, actually,
you might want...

tojust keep the bathroom door
shut in general.

Like most dogs, Marley
needs a lot of exercise...

so try to take him for a walk or a run
every morning and every evening.

Marley, let go!

Let go. Let go. Let go.
Aaah! Marley, no!

And be sure to lock the doors
and windows before you go to sleep.

Shoo! Shoo!

But don't worry.
Marley is an excellent watchdog.

You can rest easy at night
knowing he's on thejob.

Thunderstorms are his weak point.

You can give him sedatives
if you think a storm is arriving.

Okay. Here you go. Marley.
Marley, come back here.

He doesn't like them, so push them
down his throat as far as they go.

Welcome. Welcome.
I'm Mrs. Butterly.

Now finally, we do not allow Marley
to get up on any piece of furniture...

chew on anything except his toys.

Other than that, enjoy him.
Love, Jenny and John.

We serve tea every day at 4:00,
and dinner at 6:00 sharp.

Oh, and these blankets are woolen.
Good heat in 'em.

- So-So they're electric?
- Oh, not in this house.

My brother died in a fire,
God rest his soul.

In this room, actually.

Oh, not to worry.
It's been re-papered.

Well, good night to ya both.

- And God bless you.
- God bless.

Thank you. You- Bless you.

That was just weird.

Oh, gosh.

Honey, I- I know that we
haven't had sex since-You know.

But I don't think we're breaking
that streak tonight.

No, no. I don't-

I don't want to break
the streak here.

This doesn't feel-
I mean, I think I could...

you know, handle God watching,
and his mother, but-

But not- not this little
porcelain pontiff right here.

It's July, and I think I can see my breath.

- Honey, I can't feel my toes.
- That's not good.

I wanna check on that.

Oh, good God, shush.

It's not the bed. It's the shrieks
of oversexed souls in hell.

Don't you want to join them?

Really?

Mm-hmm.

We don't have to.

I know, but the idea that it hasn't
happened here in 50 years is just-

It's kind of turning me on.

Honey, I missed you.

Marley! Hi, honey.

- Marley.
- Ohh.

Come here.

- We missed you so much.
- Hey, Debby.

There were 11 thunderstorms
while you were gone.

Eleven. And you were right.
He doesn't like thunderstorms.

Wow. Okay. Yeah. Eleven.
That's a lot of thunderstorms.

Oh, and just so you know, I am
a dog person, but that's not a dog.

That is evil with a dog face that is
humping my leg and peeing on your carpet.

- Marley.
- Marley, stop that.

Marley, come on.
It's just thunder. No barking.

Marley, come on.
It's just thunder.

Marley, come on.

Jenny?

Can you help me out here?

I got 20 minutes
to file this column, and I gotta-

Jenny?

- Ah, the luck of the Irish.
- What?

Mmm.

Whoa.

Wow. Whoo.

Aah. Ooh. Oh, God.

John? Honey. John.
John, wake up.

- Yeah?
- It's time.

...comfortable.

Okay, but- Ooh.

- God!
- You all right? You all right?

You okay?

No, it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt her.

Try not to scream,
'cause I don't want him to kill me.

You remembered to install
the car seat this weekend?

- They won't let us take the baby home-
- Right. I wouldn't forget that.

- I know that. I'm sorry.
- You got that?

I got it. I got it.

Yeah, come on, Marley.
Help me out here.

You can chew through drywall, Marley.
This is nothing for you.

Good. Yeah.

You're gonna stay here.

This bone will keep you busy now.

Hopefully, no thunderstorms.
And I'm off like-

Who's your daddy? Come here.

Here's the thing.

In about two minutes
we're gonna bring home the baby...

and you'd be doing me a really
big favor if you didn't freak out.

And I'm gonna try to do the same.

- Are you ready?
- I'm ready. Yes.

Hi. Come here.

Hi, baby. Oh, hi. Hi, sweetie.

Hi, Marley. Oh, come on.

Come here. Okay.

- Marley.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. It would be a bummer if you ate the baby.

- Mmm. Mmm.
- Shh.

- Just, uh-
- Marley, this is Patrick.

Not to be confused with a chew toy.

Although it may look like one.

Say hi. See, honey?
He's not eating the baby.

Very good.

Yeah. No, I have a quote for it right here.

Well, have Legal call them again
and get a release for it.

They told me it was on the record.

I don't- Patrick?
Honey, be careful with those toys.

You know Marley gets-
No, Carla, I'm not talking to you.

Will you just call them
and get a release?

L- I- I'll call you right back.
Call you right back.

Those days are over for us, amigo.

We had a good run though.

Come on, Marley.

I know this is gonna sound crazy...

but what's that thing called
when you owe money on a house?

- It starts with an "M."
- Mortgage.

Mortgage.

Wow. Is it possible
to be this tired?

You know what?
I'm gonna get up with him tonight.

No, you won't.
You don't hear him.

- Yeah. You're right.
- I don't know... why.

I'm just a blessedly sound sleeper.

Honey, I do have to go
into the office tomorrow though.

Will you watch him then for me?

It'll be my pleasure.

- How long are we talking about?
- I don't know.

It's not quite what
you expected, huh?

I don't know what I expected.

- I never thought Marley would seem like the easy one.
- I know.

I know, but you know what?

We adjusted to him,
and we'll adjust to the baby.

I'm just trying
to remember us from before.

You mean those, uh-
Those younger-

- Yeah.
- Sexier, better-looking people?

- Yeah.
- I remember them. I remember them vaguely.

I miss them.

Mmm. They're here.

They're here. They're just really tired.

Mmm?

What? Now you're jealous?

Stay here.

- Call the police.
- Okay.

Hey, hey, hey. Are you all right?
What happened?

He told me not to scream
or he'd stab me, but I screamed.

- But I screamed-
- Okay, now, just sit down. Just sit down.

- And he stabbed me.
- It's all right. That's okay. Hold on.

- Where's your mother?
- At work.

It's okay. It's not that bad.

Keep your hand placed right here.

Okay. Now, I called the police.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You know, in all the time I've lived here,
I've never gotten your name.

- Lisa.
- Okay-

I'm gonna sit right here, Lisa.

You're gonna keep
your hands placed there...

and we're gonna wait
for the police to get here.

And they're gonna take care of this.

All right? Okay?

Look at me. It's all right.

It's all right.

Safest neighborhood?

- In terms of crime, I'd say you're lookin' at Boca.
- Boca?

- Mmm.
- I was afraid you were gonna say that.

- That's the way it is, John.
- Okay. Thanks.

Boca. Not so bad.

You got kids playin'in the street.
I don't know.

What do you guys think? We might
live here one day... if we can afford it.

Here we go.

I got you right there.

Stay. Marley, no.

Marley. Marley.

And don't you love this kitchen?
And look at the state-of-the-art appliances.

My favorite part- the pool. It's-

- Um, why don't we look over here?
- Can I get a brochure?

- Uh, sure.
- Looks nice.

Whose dog is that?

Jenny?

Honey?

Jen?

- Hey, you okay? - Mm-hmm. Yeah. No,
I'm good. Where have you guys been?

- I wanna show you something.
- What?

It's a house. Now, it's a little pricey...

but I think we can do it.

- Boca?
- I know, I know.

But I talked to Frank Bennett on the Metro
desk and he says it's the safest neighborhood.

John, I'm just not sure now
is the right time.

Jen, when do you think is the right time,
after one of us gets stabbed in the driveway?

- John.
- Honey, it's cramped in here.

Remember, this was supposed
to be a three-year house.

I know. I know that. I just don't think
we can afford to buy a new one.

- I know, but, honey, we can. With both
our salaries- - Honey, I'm pregnant.

Really?

- Are you sure?
- Come here.

Pretty sure.

Four for four. Wow.

- Hold on.
- That's great.

- Mm-hmm.
- Congratulations.

- Uh-huh. Come here.
- I mean, to both of us.

Oh.

Oh, yes. Oh, you're such a good boy.

Another baby.

I know. Honey, I think
I have to quit my job.

You don't have to do that.
We can get some help.

I don't want any help.
I really don't.

I just don't-Will you hand me
that pacifier?

- Yeah.
- I just- I don't want to be one of those people...

that sees their child
for an hour at night.

- I don't.
- I know, but you love your work and-

I love my work, honey.
But this is killing me.

When I'm at the office,
I just wanna be here.

And when I'm here,
I am constantly thinking about work.

And I just know that
I'm doing both jobs half- halfway.

Well, you're not doing them halfway.

If I have to give up something...

I do not- I do not
want to give up this.

Why should I give you a raise?
Give me one good reason.

'Cause I'm doing a good job.

- Is that a question?
- No.

Since I took over the column,
the readership's doubled.

So you are doing a good job.

- Yes, if you go by circulation and popularity.
- Okay.

- Why not make it permanent?
- What do you mean, like forever?

Yeah, that's what permanent means.

John, every bozo out there
would like to have their own column.

Everybody in that entire room.

And you've taken the column and
you've turned it into something fresh.

I know you don't want to hear it,
but you're a really good columnist.

Why you hesitating?

I just have this idea about myself,
you know, as a reporter.

Well, sometimes life comes up
with a better idea. I'll tell you what.

You take on a daily column,
I will double your salary.

I'm so happy

'Cause today I found my friends

They're in my head

I'm so ugly

That's okay 'cause so are you

Broke our mirrors

Sunday morning

Is every day for all I care

And I'm not scared
Light my candles

In a daze 'cause I found God

I'll start you off with some corn flakes.
Most important meal-

No. Marley.

Most important meal of the day.

There. Take a little-

John, please, just take him for a second.
I gotta shower. I gotta go.

- It happens every time.
- Well, you gotta spend more time with them.

Down! Marley.

Here we go. Oh, oh, oh.

- I'll do it. I'll do it.
- No, no, I got it. It's fine.

You say spend more time
with him, and I do it...

and then you wanna take over
'cause you say I'm not doing it right.

- I don't want you changing him when you're mad.
- I'm not mad! I'm-

Thank you. Come on.

Hi, baby. Hang on, honey.

I know, baby. I know. I know.

Oh, dear. Come on.
Come on. What?

What's the matter?
What do you need, baby? What is it?

Do you want some food? Food? Yeah?

- No. Okay.
- He's just colicky, Jen. He'll grow out of it.

Here's an idea. Why don't you stay home
and I'll go to work while he grows out of it.

Sorry. I'm tired.
Just go. Just go.

It's postpartum depression.
Their hormones go on tilt...

and they get depressed.

I remember after my fourth kid was born,
I'd wake up in the middle of the night sometimes...

my wife would be there
staring at me...

with a meat cleaver in her hand.

I thought she was gonna kill me.

I still do.

Did you get her the gift?

- Yeah.
- That usually works.

Okay, Janice, make him look pretty.

He's gonna have this picture next
to his byline for the next 20 years.

Patrick, honey, please stop doing that.
You're gonna make him sick.

- Just eat it, okay?
- Careful, Patrick.

Remember what we did
to Marley when he didn't listen.

Honey, you know what else?
We really have to pick out a color fabric...

for the curtains in the boys' room.

Okay, well, whatever you want. And then-

I'd really like your help deciding.

No. Let me get him.

Thank you.

Marley, just-

Marley, bad dog!
Marley! Marley, stop it!

Marley, let go! Let go.

Marley. Marley.

Marley! Marley, get back here!
Get back here!

Marley, bad dog!

Marley, get back here! Marley!

See, we were supposed to return these,
and now we have to pay for them.

- That's okay.
- No, it's not okay!

How many times have I told you not to
leave anything edible where he can get it?

- I know, but you wouldn't exactly say this is edible.
- John, you know what I mean.

You also said you would get up early and walk
him. He chews things when he gets restless.

- I am gonna walk him. I just woke up.
- You know what? Forget it!

- I'm gonna do it myself. Forget it!
- You don't have to.

Yes, I'm doing it myself.

You don't get it.
She's gonna kill you.

You've got to take it easy.
We're both hanging by a thread.

- So who gets the dog if you guys split up?
- We're not splitting up.

- Out of the realm of possibility?
- Completely.

There's nothing she can do? No tantrum
too big? No depression too deep?

No failure to perform wifely duties
that would push you over the edge?

Why do you jump right to splitting up?
Come on, buddy. Mend it, don't end it.

- So life is better with Jenny than without her?
- Yes. What is-

Are you wearing a wire?
Jen, are you- She's listening to this.

Jenny, yes, we had a fight,
but I still love you.

Come on, buddy. I had a fight
with my wife. Let me just sulk.

I just wanna know
if you're really happy.

Oh, wait. There she is.

- Who?
- Give me the kid.

No, I can't be a party to this.
That's-That's shameless.

This is gonna be
even better than the puppy.

No, not my son.

Marley, no. Please, please, Marley.

Please.

Marley! Marley, what are you-

Marley, God, look at-
Stop it! Why do you do this?

Why do you ruin everything? Go on!

Patrick! Are you okay? I'm sorry.

Get that dog out of here.

- I want that dog out of here right now.
- I'll take him for a walk.

I'm not kidding.
No, you take him to that farm.

All right, buddy, looks like
we're going to the farm again.

I'm serious. I'm not kidding. I want-
I can't take this anymore.

- What did he do?
- Everything! What hasn't he done?

He's just a horrible,
horrible animal.

- Well, that's a little unfair.
- No, what's unfair...

is that Conor hasn't slept in two weeks
because of that dog's barking...

that Patrick gets
knocked down twice a day...

that I can't even think straight.

God forbid there's
a hint of thunder.

- Just don't!
- Just calm down for a second.

I know that it's been a rough couple of
months with the new baby and everything.

I understand that.
But I was talking with Arnie.

- And postpartum dep-
- Don't you dare.

I am not depressed.
I am exhausted.

I'm not angry because of some condition.

I can't even go out
for an hour without the kids...

because every babysitter in this
neighborhood is terrified of Marley.

I know that, but you were the one that
said you didn't wanna work anymore.

- We can get help-
- I don't need any help!

- That makes it hard.
- Just get rid of the dog!

- That's not gonna happen obviously.
- Please keep your voice down.

- Me keep my voice down?
- Just do it. Just get rid of the dog!

Everybody gets rid of their dogs.
It's just a dog.

And I'm just a husband. You gonna
get rid of me when I misbehave?

- I've thought about it.
- Well, that makes two of us.

- What do you have to complain about?
- What do I-

- Because you're such a joy to be around?
- You're such a jerk.

So nice to walk in the door,
feel like you're joining a chain gang.

Just a jerk!

Stop it! It's your fault.

- You gotta be kidding me?
- Nope.

Just for a couple of days
till things cool down at home.

A couple days will be all right.

You guys know each other.
You'll be comfortable.

- Want a beer?
- No, I'm fine. Thanks. Are you moving?

- Yeah.
- Where?

New York.

The Gray Lady came a-courtin'.

The Times offered you
a permanent job?

I gave Arnie my notice last week.

- You didn't say anything.
- I know. I'm sorry.

I just- It all happened so fast,
I'm not even used to the idea yet.

That's great. The New York Times.

It's what we always dreamed of.

Well, congratulations.
I mean, you deserve it.

- Yeah.
- Thanks for looking after Marley.

- Yeah.
- He's eating your briefcase right now.

- Shit!
- Marley. Marley, no.

- Two days, John. I'm serious.
- Sorry.

Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you.

I wasn't, uh, sleeping.

- Where's Marley?
- Sebastian's gonna watch him for a few days.

Mm-hmm. I'd love to see that.

Just until I can find
a more permanent home.

- This is his permanent home, John.
- Mmm.

Marley's not going anywhere.
Honey, I'm sorry.

I just got overwhelmed.

- No one tells you how hard this is all gonna be.
- Which part?

All of it:

Marriage, being a parent.

It's the hardestjob in the world
and nobody prepares you for that.

Nobody tells you how much
you have to give up.

I feel like they do tell you,
but you don't listen...

or you think, "Ah, they're just miserable. "

I've given up so much
of what made me who I am.

But I can't say that because...

I'm a very bad person if I say that.

But I feel it. I really do.

I feel it sometimes. I just-

I just want you to know that.

I do know that.
And you can say it. I say it.

But I did make a choice.

I made a choice, and even
if it's harder than I thought...

I don't regret it.

- Are you sure?
- I am very sure.

'Cause it kinda has like a
"there's no place like home" feeling to it.

I just think these things are gonna happen
and we're gonna get through them.

- And we'll just do it together.
- Together.

- Getting rid of Marley is not gonna fix anything.
- No.

And getting rid of you
isn't gonna fix anything either.

- Can I ask you a favor?
- Yes.

No more kids for a while.

Absolutely. Deal.

Hi, guys.

All right, say hello to Colleen.

- Daddy says her name is Whoops.
- No, I-

- Patrick said that.
- What?

- Why did you say that?
- I was just kidding around.

- It was kind of a secret, guys.
- Over here.

The old pro moves back.
He looks for a little separation.

Gets an assist from Colleen.

Nice shot, Dad!

Nice shot? Come on. Conor?

- Extraordinary.
- Yeah. Again.

Wait. Let me get this. I'll be back.

- All right.
- The knees are shot.

- Hello?
- John Grogan?

Yes, it is.

- Gil Lawford from the Philadelphia Inquirer.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.

Hi. How are you?
Thanks for getting back to me.

Oh! Hey, who was that on the phone?

The Philadelphia Inquirer.

I sent the editor some clips
a while back and he wants to meet.

- What's a while back?
- He was down here on vacation a month ago.

And he read my stuff.
And we kind of had lunch.

- How do you kind of have lunch?
- I didn't think anything was gonna come of it.

Okay.

- But?
- They offered me a job.

I mean, I have an interview.

- As, like, a columnist or-
- As a reporter.

As a reporter?
Well, what did you say?

I said, "Thank you very much,
but I'm happy here. "

"Never have I heard someone
piss and moan as much as John Grogan.

If he doesn't like it here,
he should move. "

That's part of my job
is to get a response.

- I'm glad to see a little blood flowing from these people.
- No.

- There's a recurring theme here.
- Recurring theme is we got a lot of cranks in Broward County.

- That's what I'm up against.
- But what I'm trying to say, with all due respect...

is that you are one of them!

I'm a commentator.
Everyone wants me to act...

like everything's great,
when there are issues.

There's overcrowding, there's crime,
there's racial tensions.

Every time you turn around there's a new
sky rise going up even uglier than the one-

That goes on all over the world.
It's not Florida. It's you. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. Everyone wants to think,
"Oh, he's turning 40. He's become a curmudgeon. "

That's not it. Maybe-

I don't know. Maybe I'm sick of my column.

I don't- I don't find the things
I'm saying that interesting.

John. John, you're the comic voice
of south Florida.

You're a national treasure,
for God's sakes.

- Maybe a regional treasure.
- Well, a municipal treasure for sure.

- Thank you.
- Listen. Take a vacation. Go away for a couple weeks.

- Take a month off.
- Go where?

- I don't know.
- I live in a vacation spot.

Then go to someplace where it's painful and sad.

Oh, 40's gonna be tough, buddy.
I'm not gonna lie to you.

But we knew that.

We knew this was when
Father Time was gonna make his move.

Try to take us down a dark alley
and beat the hell out of us.

You got a little more
white around the temple...

but makes you look
more distinguished, I think.

We both lost a step.

I know.

How does it feel to have
your best years behind you?

You do everything you wanted to?

No, me neither.

All right. You hot?
You wanna cool off? Let's do it.

You know what? Not today.

You've been on a leash
a little too long.

Go! Go!

I think he got a little bit
of a second wind.

Go get it!

Happiness more or less

It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty

Oh, my, my

Happiness, coming and going

I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing

I knowjust where I am

Well, I'm a lucky man

With fire in my hands

- Hey, get your dog!
- What?

No! No! Please, God, no!

No! No! No! No.

Come on!

Come here. Come here. That's okay.

Dude, that was not cool.

Come on, girl. Let's go.

Great.

Let's go.

Man, you are the world's worst dog.

You know that? Right?

You were top five
going into the day...

and with this little stunt,
you moved into number one.

And I take my hat off to you.

Surprise!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dearJohn

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday.

You can help me. Hold on.
Hold on. On three. One, two, three.

But don't beg, Marley.

It's not good. 'Cause we don't have to.

Tell me the truth.
Were you surprised?

- Completely. Yes. Thank you.
- Really?

- I was. You guys got me.
- We got you!

Are you ready for
your birthday present?

There's more? I don't need
any other presents.

- Happy birthday.
- What was that?

That was my blessing
to take that job in Philadelphia.

That was months ago.
I'm not thinking about that.

Well, then any other job.

- We'll follow you wherever you wanna go.
- I understand.

But I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna uproot us.

We got our friends.
The kids enjoy school.

And I got my poker game.
I couldn't possibly-

First of all, it's just an interview.
You don't have the job yet.

And second of all, honey,
you don't have any friends.

That's right. I was wondering,
who were all those strangers tonight?

- I hired them.
- What I'm trying to say...

is our life is here
and I'm okay with that.

Our life is wherever
we are. That's it.

- And you're not happy here.
- That's not true.

You're not happy doing that column.
You're restless and I can feel it.

- I'm not- I'm not. - I feel it every
day that you read Sebastian's articles.

I feel it every time you sit an extra five
minutes in the driveway before you come in.

- I don't do that.
- Yes, you do.

I'm checking on things in the car.

- I just think it's time for a change.
- I'm 40,Jen.

Maybe at 39, but I'm too- I don't know.

- It feels a little late to be making big changes.
- No. No, no, no, no.

- Uh-uh-uh-uh. No.
- What are you doing?

We're not old, John.

We can still surprise ourselves.

See, most girls would do a swan dive, but
you know a cannonball is so much sexier.

So you ready for your other
birthday present or what?

Yes.

It's like an embarrassment
of riches, this birthday.

They just keep coming.
It's like Hanukkah.

See, we're not old.

Grogan!

Just wanna wish you
good luck up there.

Thanks. Yeah. It'll be good. I'm gonna
miss everybody. I'm gonna miss your laugh.

Yeah. There was a good chance that every
piece of advice I ever gave you was a lot of crap.

- No, no, no. I appreciate it just the same.
- Well, at this point...

a mushy guy would tell you he's proud of you,
give you a hug and send you on your way.

Well, I'm glad you're not that guy, sir.

All right. Okay.

Grogan, just for the record,
you surprised the hell out of me.

That's my specialty.

Walking down

By the river

Water running

Through my knees

Oh, mighty river

I would love to be like you

- Are we here yet?
- No.

- Now?
- We got a couple hours to go.

- Now?
- Soak it up.

- Now? Are we here yet?
- Must be near it.

Are we getting hot or cold?

- Why are we turning into here?
- We're living here.

- Whoa!
- I want a moment of silence just to take this in.

Okay? Before the pandemonium.
Look at this.

- Here we go.
- Come on. We're here.

Marley! Marley, no!
Marley! Marley! Marley!

- Oh, nice.
- And we're home.

Hey, Andy Rooney, if you're knocking off soon,
I'll walk with you to the train.

Okay, I'm ready.
Put an exclamation point here.

Mark Twain said not to use exclamation points
'cause it's like laughing at your own joke...

but sometimes you gotta laugh
at your own joke 'cause it's funny.

It's here! It's here! It's here! It's here!
It's here! It's here! It's here! It's here!

- It's here! Come on. Come on!
- Over here!

It's here! It's here!
Come on! Marley!

Come on. Look it!

Whoa!

No, Marley!

Remember, angels can fly,
so you gotta get the wings up high.

Yeah. Now that one's coming.

- Lunch is ready!
- Okay!

- Heading in. Let's go.
- Take that!

- Marley!
- Come on, guys.

Marley, come on. Marley.

You know what, honey?
Let him be. He's happy.

Thank you.

What are you doing in
here? You going for the bunk bed tonight?

Pretty good day.

I mean, the snow. Come on.

All right. Sleep tight.

- Too much color?
- Yeah.

I mean, don't get me wrong. It's a good
piece, but you're reporting now, John.

I want you to tell the story.
I don't want you to be in the story.

- I'm pretty sure I don't mention myself in there-
- The point is...

I still feel you in there.

And all I'm saying
is less you and more facts.

Got it.

- Door's always open.
- Thanks.

Hut!

Uh-oh. Here comes the old pro.

He shows up for the fourth quarter.

Yeah. Oh, yes!

He catches it. He fends off one guy.

He's running through.
He's shaking tackles left and right.

They can't take him down.
He's got too much- Oh!

Grogan goes down!
Down goes Grogan.

- You're home early.
- That's right.

I had to come home and teach these kids
how to play football the right way.

Okay.

- Okay, guys, seriously, dinner's in an hour.
- Okay.

I want you to finish your homework and
take off those shoes before you come in.

- Yeah, take off your shoes!
- Okay.

Got him down. Got him down.
Got him down. Got him down.

Ow.

My God.

I come home and
it's like I got mugged.

Okay.

- Come on.
- What's wrong with him, Dad?

Nothing's wrong.
He's just... tired. Right, Dad?

Yeah. The football
took it out of him.

Let's go.

I don't know. I just don't understand.

Ayear ago, you couldn't wait
to be done with your column.

I know. But now I got this guy going through
every sentence with a fine-tooth comb.

I gotta admit, sometimes I miss
the freedom where I couldjust-

- What?
- It's just- It's exhausting sometimes, John.

You always wanting something
that you don't have.

Are you happy?

I mean, none of this
was part of the plan.

No. No, it wasn't part of the plan.

But it's so much better.

I'm just sort of done making plans.

Marley! Oh, gross.

Hmm, seems like somebody
needs to go out. Whoo!

All right. Marley.

Come on. Come on, boy.

Oh, come on.

Now it's really coming down.

Marley? Marley?

Where'd he go? Marley?

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

- He's not coming back.
- Marley?

Well, he couldn't have gone far. Marley?

I'll come with you. Hold on.

- Marley? I don't know where he could have gone.
- Marley?

Well, maybe he went
next door again in the barn.

- I'll check in the woodshed.
- Okay.

Marley?

Marley?

Marley? Oh, Marley.

- Did you see anything?
- No, nothing.

- I gotta go talk to them.
- Okay.

Wow, it's pouring out there.

- Did you find him?
- You know what?

He's out exploring.
You know how he loves the woods.

Bobby says dogs, when they're
gonna die, they go away to do it.

That's what his beagle did.

Mmm. Well, you know,
that's true for beagles.

But, uh, not Labs like Marley.

He's just out causing trouble.
Don't worry.

Okay, now, you finished
with your homework?

- Yep.
- Nope.

Nope? Well, let's make that a "yep. "

Come on now.

Marley! Marley!

Marley!

Marley.

Marley. Ah, Marley. You okay?

Stay there.

Why did his stomach twist? We don't
exactly know why this happens.

Most likely he ate or drank something
quickly and his stomach just flipped.

I did manage to get a tube
down there to relieve some of the gas.

- I think I untwisted it.
- He seems okay.

For now, he's good.

The problem is that once this happens,
it almost always happens again.

And if it does, I don't know what
I'm gonna be able to do for him.

He's an older dog. I honestly don't think
he would survive the surgery.

Well, we have to make sure
that doesn't happen again.

Well, most likely,
it is gonna happen again.

Well, we also talked about that maybe
he ate too fast or drank too quickly.

- Right.
- So maybe it doesn't have to happen again.

We'll monitor that.

I'm just saying you may wanna prepare yourself
that he may not make it through the night.

Maybe 10%% of dogs
survive this kind of a thing.

What-What is that number based on?

- What is it based on?
- Yeah, the reason why I ask...

is I bet that number's
based on regular dogs.

- Regular dogs?
- Yeah, and this guy here is not like other dogs.

I know people probably say that
all the time, but to be honest...

I'm not sure he really is a dog.

He once ate an answering machine.
Just polished it off.

He didn't chew it. He ate it. And then digested
it. Then went and had the phone for dessert.

Another time, my son had colic and
this guy sat up all night, didn't move...

just stayed right there for nine hours
just keeping an eye on Conor.

So I think maybe that
the number applies to regular dogs.

- But not to him.
- Well, you got a fighter here.

Let's hope for the best.

I know he's gonna be okay.

I'll see you in the morning.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

They're gonna-They're gonna
keep him overnight.

But he seemed better when I left.

The vet really seemed on top of it.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. What are you reading?

I'm reading your old columns.

Marley's in so many of them.

You still look at those?

Yeah, I do sometimes.

Even on the crappiest days-

the kids are driving me nuts,
laundry's not done...

and a hundred other things are wrong-

I always know that I have this.

It's five minutes of you.

Sometimes they're sad
and sometimes they're really funny...

silly or whatever,
but- but they're all you.

And for those five minutes...

you make me feel better.

You should read them.
They're pretty great.

Might even make a nice book.

- A book?
- Something.

Hello?

All right. Thank you.

He's coming home.

Is he there?

Of course he's there.
He's always there.

- How does he know we're coming?
- I don't know. He just knows.

Dogs know stuff like that.

- All dogs?
- All good dogs.

- Look, there he is! There he is! Marley.
- Yeah.

Hi, Marley.

- Marley.
- How you doin', Marley.

- I missed you at school.
- I'll race you to the house.

- Okay.
- Go!

- Eagles?
- Yeah, the Eagles are going all the way.

I guarantee you.
What are you, a Dolphins fan?

- No.
- John Grogan!

- Hey. I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, dude. See you tomorrow.

I said to myself, "That sorry
son of a bitch looks likeJohn Grogan. "

- What are you doing here? - Ah, story.
D.A.'s showing off the new field office and-

You know what? It doesn't matter.
Man, it is good to see you.

- It's good to see you.
- Yeah.

- So you living in the city somewhere?
- I live just outside of town.

- More space for the kids.
- What do you got, like five now?

Three. Here. Show you a little
snapshot of the Grogan brood.

- Wow, Jen's holding up.
- Yeah.

Thanks, I think.

I see you-you finally
got a little girl, huh?

Colleen. She arrived after you left.

- What's with the ladybug getup?
- That was for her school play in preschool.

And then we couldn't get her out of
her costume for, like, a month afterwards.

And the reason why Marley
looks like he's biting her head...

is because the antennas on it-
he went ballistic.

- Things don't change.
- That's right.

- I wish I didn't have this interview.
- That's okay. I gotta get home.

Conor's got a soccer game.

All right. Well, one of these days
we gotta catch up.

Yeah, let's do that.
We'll catch up one of these days.

- Well, it was, uh, good to see you.
- Come here. Good to see you.

- GiveJenny my best, okay?
- I will.

- Oh, uh, here. Here.
- Oh, yeah.

That's, uh-That's a great picture, John.

- You did okay.
- Thanks.

- You did okay too. I'll see ya.
- I'll see ya.

I think you'll like the next one better.

Really?

Don't do it to yourself. We're in Philly.
Let's get a cheesesteak. Hi.

- Sebastian. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Hello?

Is anybody home?

Marley. Hey, Marley.
Marley. Marley.

Hey. Hey. Marley. Marley.

Marley.

You didn't hear me, did you?

I just caught you
in a senior moment there, Marley.

All right, let's go for a walk.
Come on. Let's go.

Come on. Come on.

You're almost to the top.

You know what? Come here.

This is a good spot right here.

I know you're a strong boy,
but you're gonna let me know, right?

You know, when it's time.

I don't wanna make
that decision on my own.

You let me know
when you're ready, okay?

All right.

Marley?

There he is.

Marley.

Ah, honey, what are you
doing down here?

It's time to head upstairs.
You don't sleep down here.

Come on. Can you make it upstairs?

I think he's pretty
comfortable down here.

- I'll get him a blanket.
- You all right?

Lay down here for a second.

Take a load off.

Yeah. It's actually nice down here.

This might be better.

- It'd be twice a week, 600 words.
- And what's the subject?

You know, everyday stuff.
The stuff we all go through, but funnier.

I don't get it, John. I thought
you came here to be a reporter.

I know I did, but I think
we both know that isn't me.

- I'm a columnist- a good one.
- Excuse me, John.

- Your wife's on the phone. She said it's important.
- Okay, I'll be right there.

Think about it. Possible?

- Thanks. Hello?
- You're welcome.

I can't get him to come back inside.

He's just laying out there
in the cold and he won't move.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Patrick came home.
We got him here.

Dr. Platt said that if he's comfortable,
leave him for a while and see, but...

he's just not getting better.

All right, I'm gonna take him in.

- Is he sick again?
- Yeah, he is, honey.

He doesn't feel too good.

But I'm gonna take him into the doctor
and they're gonna try to make him feel better.

It's all right, Marley.
You're gonna be okay.

You could take Lamby,
but don't chew her other ear off.

That's sweet, honey.

Here, I'll take it.

Good-bye.

Okay.

I've tried everything I did last time
that worked, but I'm not having any luck.

Not able to get the tube down there.

The stomach is still twisted.
There's still surgery, but-

He's not strong enough.

- I like this one the best.
- Which one?

Oh, the mangoes. Yeah.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

So, it's his stomach again.

- And they could do surgery, but-
- I know.

Do you want me to come down there?

No, no, I think it's a good idea
to stay with the kids...

and be with them.

I'm just gonna-

I love you, John.

I love you.

- All right.
- I'm gonna give you some time.

- Okay.
- And I'll be right outside if you need me.

All right. Thanks.

Look what I got for you.
Remember this?

What did Colleen say to you?
You remember that?

You remember chewing up that ear?

Well, it's tough to remember
all the things you've chewed up, isn't it?

It all starts to kind of run together.

It's okay. You don't have to do anything.

You don't have your usual energy.

You remember how we were
always saying what a pain you are-

that you're the world's worst dog?

Don't believe it.

Don't believe any
of it for a minute.

'Cause you know
we couldn't find a better dog.

You know what made you
such a... great dog-

is you loved us every day,
no matter what.

That's an amazing thing.

You know how much we love you?

We love you so much.

I love you more than anything.

I don't know exactly
where we go from here...

but I want you to remember
you're a great dog, Marley.

You're a great dog.

He won't feel this. He'll just slip away.

You ready?

- Yeah, we're ready.
- Okay.

Okay. Get down.

- He's wrapped in his blanket.
- So he can stay warm.

Do you guys wanna read
what you wrote?

Mine's a picture of me and Marley...

grasshoppers and ice cream.

Mommy wrote what I said.

"Dear Marley, I will
never forget you forever. Colleen. "

And these are kisses.

- That's beautiful.
- Thank you.

You wanna put it in?
He'll like that.

Set it down.

Good.

That's a great picture.
Conor, do you wanna-

"Dear Marley, I loved you all my life.

"I hope you like heaven
and that there's lots to chew on.

Your brother, Conor Richard Grogan. "

That was a good letter.

Patrick, do you wanna say something?

He knows.

I'd like to give him something.

This necklace.

It's been on quite a journey.

Your dad gave it to me...

to celebrate the beginning
of our family.

But, you know-

Our family had really already begun.

Bye, Clearance Puppy.

A dog has no use for fancy cars...

or big homes or designer clothes.

A waterlogged stick
will dojust fine.

A dog doesn't care
if you're rich or poor...

clever or dull, smart or dumb.

Give 'em your heart
and he'll give you his.

How many people
can you say that about?

How many people can make you
feel rare and pure and special?

How many people can
make you feel... extraordinary?