Maria (2021) - full transcript

- Hi Mom! Can't talk too long,
I'm on my way to an audition.

I'm in a hurry. What's up?

- OK, we can talk later.

- OK, call you later, bye!

- OK, we'll try it like this.

- Yup, it's perfect, thanks.

- Hi! I'm Maria.

- And I'm Yves.

- Jacques.

- Yves Jacques, yes, that's it.

- Hey, could it be
that I've seen you before



like in a commercial
or something?

- When your stomach
is acting up...

- You OK, Roxane?

- Yes, yes, sorry.

- ... don't put up with
embarrassing gurgles

and constipation.

Reach for Fibre Fibre Fibre.

- You good?
- Much better.

- Ah!

- With Fibre Fibre Fibre,
you go fast, fast, fast!

- My greatest part,
the only one, no audition...

- Of course, absolutely.

Cool, so let's do
a first take.

OK, ready



in 3, 2, 1, action.

- Your mother's worried, Mathilde.

- Ah, sorry, it's just...

it's just that I was waiting
for “call her”, sorry.

- But “call her”, that's
later in the script, no?

- Yes, it's a little
farther, yeah.

- Ah, my mistake.

- That's all right. It happens.

Don't worry about it sweety.

- He said “sweety”.

- No worries,
let's do it again

in 3, 2, 1, action.

- Mathilde, your mom's worried.

- Dad, stop. You know

she should be the one
calling me.

- I know,
but you're my daughter.

And I love you.
- I love you too.

- Hey Maria, do you think you could,
when you say that,

make it so we feel it
a little bit more,

you know, that you really,
love him?

- OK.

- Cool, perfect.

We're just trying something,
let’s try it.

- OK.
- Cool.

- Yes, but you're my daughter
and I love you.

- I love you too, dad!

- Cool, I didn't hate it,
it was cool...

there was something
cool about it.

Maybe the volume could be
just a little lower, I think.

So, let's try this again

in 3, 2, 1, action.

- Yes, but you're my daughter
and I love you.

- I love you too, dad.

- Alright, cool,
that'll be all, thanks.

- Huh no, we're not done.

- Yes, I think...
I think that's enough.

- Maybe just one last one?

- Come over here.

Look, why do you
want to become an actress?

- Ah! I don't want
to be an actress,

I need money.

- Look, us actors,
we're all broke.

It's not like we drive BMW,
or something.

Find something you
enjoy doing,

and do that, huh?

- I was that crappy?

- That's a little crude,
but yeah, you were pretty crappy.

Like hangover crap.
That bad.

- OK.
- It was crappy.

- Why do you toke up in the
morning? It's disgusting!

- You hungry?

I can make you eggs, toast,
ravioli.

Oh! Ravioli on toast!

- You can't always blame the munchies
on your cancer

every day of your life,
you're pushing it a bit.

- With what little time I have left,
I can push it all I want.

- What time is your appointment?

I'll go with you.

- It was this morning.

- Oh, shit! Sorry.
How did it go?

- They're giving me
15 minutes to live.

- Stop.

- I'm waiting for the results.
- You scared?

- I know I'm going to die,
we just don’t know when.

- Hum!

- Maria, we have
to talk, OK?

- Go ahead. Talk to me.

- What are you planning
to do with your life?

- To live here right up until
you die, and then after,

to live with your ghost
until I die.

- Exactly,
let's talk about the house.

- Oh no, no, no, no, no!

You promised me
you wouldn't sell it.

- I don't have a choice, Maria.

- I'll buy it, then!

- You don't have a job.

And I don't have money,
just debts.

I don't want
to worry about you.

I only have what I need
to roll-up a few joints.

otherwise, nothing.

- I'll find a job.

- Maria, I
can't believe

you spent the whole $100,000
you got from Fibre Fibre Fibre.

It could have changed
your life, you know?

- I'll recoup,
don't worry.

- You sound just
like your father.

- Really? You know who he is?

- No, but all the men
I slept with back then

could have said the same thing.

- See? Yesterday,
I had an audition.

- You did? And?
- I didn't get it.

- That's why I need
to sell the house.

- Don't worry, I'll find
me a classy job.

- You have a degree in communication
that's in the garbage.

- I really don't feel
like communicating.

- Oh no, Maria!

You're doing nothing
with your life!

Look at you! Look at you!

You escape the conversation.

- The word is “avoid”

- Stop worrying,
I'll find work!

I was just taking
a little break.

- A break from what, Maria?

From watching series
while eating corndogs?

- Hey, I don't watch
that many series.

I don't know, I just don't
feel like doing a boring job

once again, a normal job.

I think I’m special...

- Stop thinking you're special
and get a job,

something you're not
totally crappy at.

Ask a career coach
for help.

- Maybe we should ask
career coaches

to find coaches to
coach them.

- Ah, you could apply for
a job in a drugstore.

- Ah!

- Hey, it's important work.

You could arrange
sanitary napkins

by order of flow.

- Normal jobs are not
for me!

Remember when
your friend tried

to get me in at his office?

Yes, hello! This is Maria
from Bustos, Bustos, & associates.

- Not interested.

- Great, me neither.

- Oh! Excuse me, Lady Diana.

- Jobs like that
are just not for me!

I tried at the ice cream place.

- It looks like a pile of shit.

- You are what you eat, apparently.

- If at least that one
hadn't been for your boss.

- I want to find a job

that'll make me feel good,
that'll give me a sense of value.

- Go back to flipping burgers,
they were pretty good.

- Yeesh! No, I don't think
they want to see me again.

Hello, Mr. Gendron, yes.

Did you say
“turn off the fryer”

or “I’ll turn off the fryer”?

- Hey! You could
become a teacher.

Just this morning I saw
in the newspaper

There’s a great shortage
of teachers.

They're even asking retirees
to come back

to replace the ones
who are having burnouts.

- Hey, that really sounds
like a fun job.

I can't anyway,

I don't have a teaching degree.

- You don't need one
to be a substitute teacher.

- I love it! Where do I apply?

- On the school commission's
website.

If you don't have a record
and you're clean,

you should be all right.

Get yourself sorted out
so I can go in peace.

- Mom, I love you.

- Me too, like just OK.

- So now what?

I go visit some schools and
poof, I become a teacher?

Hey! What are you doing?
I could be your mother!

- Don't talk about my mom, man!
- OK, I could be your father!

- Yo! My dad is dead!
- OK, and I never knew mine.

We're in the same boat.

Let go my bag! Pull up
your pants and go read a book!

- Come on! Christ!
What is this place!

For god’s sake!

- The Church has evolved, young lady.

We're hip
and the kids are hop.

Our rockstar
is God.

You'll see,
this is heaven

at a time when
humanity is lost.

Fear no more, we need
young people like you.

- Ah, that's what I'm here for.

- Ah! You inspire
goodness and trust,

which are helpful
for teaching youth.

- WOW! That’s pretty as hell!

- Here we aim for achievement
through achieving.

Students have no
outside stimuli.

No music during school
hours,

no Kanye West,

no flashy colours on their
nails or their face,

no whining, no complaining,
no loitering and no swearing

otherwise they get suspended.

Teachers are expected
to set an example

through authority, punishment,
and extracurricular activities,

meant for learning rather
than entertaining.

If they want entertainment,
they can find it in the street, huh?

This is not a place to play,
it's a place to succeed.

Teachers are not allowed
to use their phone

during courses

and there's an area
reserved for technology

in the school yard.

You are not a number,
but rather an example.

If you want a coffee,
you buy it.

We're not a Starbucks.

And of course,
smoking is prohibited

on school property.

this is not a place to
wait for death,

it's a clean and healthy place.

I hope I've been clear.
Do you have any questions?

- Yes! Can I leave now?
- Absolutely.

- OK! Crazy bitch! Ha!

Fucking ugly deadbeat town!
Crappy weather!

It's grey, it's cold!

I'm fed up with this
fucking shitty life,

shitty town, shitty people
with everybody!

Come on!

People aren't working!

You better wait, it's my turn
you fucking moron!

What does she want?
What do you want?

- If you don't get here,
I'm going to kill someone.

- Yeah, yeah,I'm coming.
I'm almost there.

- Move your ass, you're
going to miss the reveal.

- How much does it
excite people

to know the baby's
gender, seriously?

I've been driving around
for 20 minutes

looking for a parking space
in Blainville.

Look, give me the time
to walk Compostel, I'm there.

- OK, fine then, bye.

- Bye.

- Auntie!

- Jordan!

- I told you a million times,
my name is Emile.

- Yes, but you look more
like a Jordan.

- Mom told me

you had a big audition for TV.

You'll get it, I'm sure!

- Do you think I'd get caught

if I started trafficking kids?

- 100%.

- Give me your friends'
phone numbers

and I'll take care of the rest.

- Good thing you're here.

You almost got to
help us decorate.

I was sure you'd choke.

- Come on, I would
never choke on this.

- You didn't come
to Edouard's.

- I must have felt
I wouldn't like him much.

- He's not my favourite, either.

Guys! Stop that!
- Maria, hello!

Darling, where is,
the quinoa salad?

- In the washer.
- What?

- No, no behind the bar,
in the fridge.

Mental charge, Joe, come on.

- It's not there.

- Crap, I forgot
to make it.

- Oh! It doesn't matter,
there's plenty of chips

and everyone only pretends
to like it.

- Hey! My quinoa salad
is really good!

- Of course.

- You won't judge me if
there's no quinoa salad?

- I judge you for
a lot of things,

but I don't give a crap
about your quinoa salad.

- Edouard!

Put down that knife if you want to
keep seeing the light of day!

- I'll take care of it.
- Thanks.

- Edouard, you're too young to
want to put an end to your life.

Do you want to
end up at the hospital?

- Yes!

- OK, they'll put tubes
in your arm.

If you cut yourself, you won't
be able to play hockey anymore.

Ah! I should have let
him cut himself.

- Hello!

- Hello, Sandrine!

- Ah! I love gender reveal
parties!

Usually, it happens
a little earlier,

in the pregnancy, but it's fine.

I'm the one who organized it.

You know, I used to
be a party girl.

But now, for a little fun,
this is what I do.

It's joyful, you know,
and it avoids awkward mornings

with some random guy
you brought back from the bar.

- Isn't that how you
met your boyfriend?

- You, what have you
been up to?

- I've been interviewing
to be a teacher.

- Wow!

- It's OK.
Hello, Mom!

- Hello, hello girls!
- How are you?

- I'd be better if I had
something to drink.

- Oh! Oh, oh! Would you
like a little mocktail?

- What's that?

- A cocktail with no alcohol.

- Oh! I think
I'll pass.

because Raph
needs my help,

she's been calling
me for a while.

- I didn't hear anything.

- Yeah, yeah, Raph, I'm coming!

Here I am!
- What?

- I'm walking towards you!

- I'm the one who organized this.

- Hey guys, I have
to talk to you.

- Why are you whispering?
There's no one here.

- On the 28th, I'm proposing
to Raphaëlle.

But don't tell her.
- Oh, wow!

- You have 2 kids,
she's not going anywhere.

- Will you be there?

I would really love it
if you were there.

- I'll have to check
my calendar.

- Hey! You never have anything
to do. Good try.

- There will be some

pigs in a blanket.

- Alright, alright,
I'll be there the day before.

- Come on, drop that,
let's go.

- I can't fucking wait!

- Mmm!
- You OK?

- My pregnancy is
driving me nuts.

Either I'm dead on my feet,
or I want to fuck, I don't know.

- My God! Did she say “fuck”?

- She said “fuck”.

- I so hope it's a girl,

I'm so fed up with
washing penises!

Please!

- Ah! Our lives are
so different.

So what are you going
to call this one?

- Macarena.

- OK, really?
- Yes.

- She's going to get bullied.
- By us!

Hey, macarena! Ay!

OK, but if it's a boy?

- If it's a boy,
she'll call him Bomba!

- Could I have your
attention, please.

Don't be afraid,
I won't eat you.

- He's not a good
public speaker!

- Unless you ask me to,

then I might just take a bite!

- You leave me alone
with Sandrine again,

and I kill you.

- Friends, family, thank you
for being here with us

to celebrate the arrival
of our third child,

the living proof

of our incredible
fertility.

- OK. So thanks for being here
we'll now cut the cake.

- If it's pink inside,

it's a little girl,
a princess.

- And if it's blue,
it's a boy. Another one.

- It's purple!

So what's purple? It's...

- Yes, it's... Ha, ha!

So what's purple?

It's... What?
What's purple?

What does it mean,
when it's purple?

Nobody knows?
What's purple, for Christ's sake?

What's purple?

Call the doctor!
What's purple?

Mom, what's purple?

- It probably means it’s a girl.

- Freaking trends... It's a trans.
- Idiot!

- They say hermaphrodite
when it's both sexes.

And I'll love my child
whatever it is!

- A little faggot.
- Hey!

Another crack like that
and you're out!

What's purple? It must be
a shade of pink.

I can't believe it.

- Purple is really a mix of
red and blue.

It’s more likely
a boy than a girl.

- Hey, nobody asked you.

- I think the best solution

would be to call the bakery, huh?

- I just did,
there's no answer.

- OK, so we'll play a game.

- Yes! We'll play a game.
Get the fuck out of here!

- OK, woah everyone!

let's calm down,

let's take a deep breath,
chill.

I'll get in my car,

and drive to the bakery

and they'll give us
an answer, good?

- I'm going with you.
- Yes, go ahead, honey.

We'll take care of the rest.

- I wanted to unwrap
the gifts.

- Go to hell!
- I'll come with you too.

- I don't want to stay
here all by myself.

- Let's all go.

- Oh no, oh no, oh no!
- Come on!

- There's someone,
there's someone there!

Excuse me, it's an emergency!

- We're closed.

- No! You can't be closed!

You're not closed now!

- My God, she really takes
business hours seriously.

- It’s my mother... she
passed away this morning.

- Oh!

I'm so sorry,

it's just that my boyfriend
ordered a cake

to reveal the baby's gender,

but it's purple,
it must be a mistake,

but you have the paper
that says which gender it is.

I need to know!

- My mom was old,
but she wasn't stupid.

It's not a mistake.

Purple is for twins.
It's a boy and a girl.

- A girl.

- Ah! It would have been
more obvious

if the cake had been
marbled, I think.

- Are you happy?

- A girl!

- Yes!

- But twins,
I want to die!

They'll break my vagina!

- At least you'll be able
to call them Macarena and Bomba.

- Sure, or you can
save time and

call them Dance Mix 98.

- I'm so sorry
about your mother.

- At least she died
doing something she loved.

- Stuffing cannolis.

You have the keys to
my car. Let's go.

- No point in running,
you have to leave on time.

- Really!

- Babies! Two of them!

- Yes, yes, two.
- Two!

- Yes, this message
is for Maria.

This is the secretary
at Bois des Fleurs College.

I'm calling to confirm
your interview

with our principal
at 9:30 a.m., thank you.

- Coffee?

- Please.

- With or without GHB?

- Ha! Without, thanks.

- You're boring.

So, Maria, who are you?
Where are you from?

Why are you here?
Is everything ok in there?

- I've always wanted
to inspire young people

and give
them a thirst for learning.

- OK, now give me
the real answer.

- I'm trying to find myself.
- Do you have experience?

- In teaching?
- No, in pottery.

- Huh...

- Joke. My God, joke!

But seriously,
it's not easy here.

In fact, teaching,
in general, isn't easy,

because you have to manage
a bunch of other things

in addition to teaching.

You understand?
- I understand.

- If you get that,
you'll be great.

Actually, it's not rocket science.

There are 3 golden rules.
Do you know them?

Rule no. 1: no swearing allowed,
unless it's Friday.

Rule no. 2: no smoking
in the class,

unless there's a fire.

And rule no.3: you can't
hit anyone.

- Duly noted.

- You'll definitely feel like it,
we can talk about it later.

- I have a question.

- No, it's not tobacco.
It's THC for my arthritis.

I'll give you a
Grade 8 class,

international,
always the same gang.

Do you know what that is?
- No.

- Great,
they're a bunch of smart kids.

Sometimes they're smart asses,
but they're very good.

You won't have any trouble.

- But I've never done that,

I don't know
how it works.

Do I have a program

or did someone leave me
something to do?

- Listen...

Good! We have to go
that's second period.

- What do I do?
Jesus Christ!

Is there a course plan?

Is it the exam period?

Do I have to
correct anything?

What do I have to do?

- What you have to do?
Don't worry. Huh?

Like all the other teachers,
you do what you can.

So now, you're in room 216,
you're teaching and you're late.

Come on, get moving!

- Hi!

My name is Maria
and I would really like it

if you could turn off
your phones, please.

- Go to hell!
- Yes.

- Fourth rule:
no running away.

- I can't do it.

I said one sentence and one of them
told me to go to hell.

- At least you had time
to say one sentence.

Look, these kids,
they're bored at school.

Because they're all
too smart.

You have to keep them motivated,
but you must show authority,

because otherwise,
they'll take over

and first thing
you know,

there's a fire in
your top drawer.

- What?
- Look, forget it.

Just show authority,
that's all.

- Hello again!

My name is Maria

and I'm substituting for Mrs...

Mrs... Mrs...
I'm replacing a Mrs.

- Excuse me.

There's only one "F".

- First warning.

- But I didn't do anything.
- Second warning.

- What happens at three?
- I'll flunk you.

- Really!
- We're all gifted students.

If someone flunks in here,
you'll look like the incompetent one.

- If you continue like this,
you'll get a first warning.

- I'm going to call my mother,
first warning.

- Your mother... I eat your mother
for breakfast.

Put your phone away.

I said put it away, not turn it over.

And if you keep this up,
you get a first warning.

- When Gabriela
gets warnings,

I guess we're really
in deep shit.

- Ah! You, put your phone away
or I'll make you eat it.

- Woah! You're even worse
than Mrs. Hurteau!

- And you have 2 warnings
now.

- Do we get a warning
the minute we talk?

- It depends if I
like your tone.

- That's pretty subjective,
I don't see how...

- That tone, I don't like it.
Second warning.

OK then! Now that
I have your attention,

my name is Maria,

I'm substituting for your teacher,
Mrs. Hurteau, like he said,

and I would like you to take turns
introducing yourselves.

You'll tell me what you would
like to be in the future

and your favourite animal.

- Really, this isn't
kindergarden.

- Hey, you, looks like you want
to talk. You start.

- My name is Gabriela.

My favourite animal
is the unicorn.

- That's not even a real animal.

- And I want to be a star.
- That's not even a real job.

Jesus Christ, I didn't know
you could

have the wrong answers
to these questions.

Miss.

- I'm Bethesda,
I want to be a veterinary.

And my favourite animal is...
- a cow.

A fucking fat cow.

- You, shut up.
- Oh!

- What's your name?

- Elliot, and I want
to be a basketball player.

- You're much too short!

And what position will you play?
The ball?

OK, you all stop that now.

- OK, maybe I'm too small
to play basketball,

but at least I don't make
spelling mistakes on the board.

- I want to resign.

- I'm refusing to accept
your resignation.

- I told a kid
he was too little.

- Good thing you didn't
call him a little prick.

- I got 3 days training,

to work in an ice cream shop.

We talked for 15 minutes before
my shift, I'm not ready.

- No one is ever ready.

Just pretend you know
what you're doing.

You know, kids are
just like horses,

you can't let them feel your fear,
otherwise they'll go crazy.

You see this?

These are horse riding trophies.

- You do horse riding?

- No, I got them at
a thrift shop.

But I like that people
think I ride horses.

You see, it worked.
- Not really, no.

- Look, pretend like
know what you're doing,

you'll be OK.

- Thanks for believing
in me.

- I don't have a choice,
we're in deep shit.

So now,
you'll convince yourself

that you're a math teacher.

- No, no, not math.

- Ah yes, yes, math.

- I passed my 416
by cheating.

I still count with my fingers.

- Look, give them
exercises

and tell them to do them
in silence.

- And if they ask
me questions?

- Ride a horse.
- What?

- Pretend you know
what you're doing!

You're dismissed. Go!

- Move over!

OK, I'm substituting
today,

but it's the last time.

Stop calling me.

I'm telling you,
I'm not coming back!

- Anybody can change their minds!

Look, you're here today!

- OK, but after today,

I want you to promise me
you'll forget about me.

Edith, Edith,
I'm retired.

I don't want to work,
it's over!

- I thought you
were passionate...

- About geography.

I'm passionate about geography.

I'm passionate about
sharing knowledge,

but spending my days trying
to drive a subject matter

into the head of a bunch of
teenagers who are so oblivious

they're not even able
to identify Canada

on a map
of Canada,

That, I'm not passionate about!

Repeating “turn off your phones”
50 times a day

is not something
I'm passionate about!

Parents, parents who
think it's not fair

that their child
fails at school

when said child
spent the whole school year

dragging their ass
instead of doing the work,

is not something
I'm passionate about!

I don't have a passion for
explaining that the problem,

might not be the system,
but their darling child

who has always been
allowed to do anything

because their parents,
at the end of the day,

when they get home,
are too burnt out

to face reality,

that they're raised...
a shitty human!

Oh!

No, no, no, no,
I'm not passionate about that, OK?

OK!

- I forbid you to quit.

- She’s an inspiration.

- You have a class.
Chop, chop!

- Yes, Gabriela?

- Ma'am, how much time do we have
to do the exercise?

- Ah, as much as you want.
Take your time.

As much time as possible.

Yes, Simon?

- Will it count in
our report card?

- I think it will,
I'm not the one who decides.

Yes, Bethesda?

- Could you please
explain to me

what is
a rational equation?

- Does someone want to
explain to Bethesda

what is a
rational equation?

- You don't know?

Man, they really let just
anyone substitute.

- Yes, but they still
rejected your mother.

Yes, Simon?

- A rational equation is
an algebra equation

in which one of the
variables appears

once in the
fraction's denominator.

- That's it.
- You didn't even know that.

- Excuse me?
- You didn't even know.

That's why you
asked.

- Huh, you didn't either.

- What do you mean? I just
gave the answer.

- No, you checked
on your phone.

- No.

- I asked you to
explain to Bethesda

what is,
a rational equation,

because it was a test,
I wanted to test you,

so that you could assimilate
comprehension of the subject.

- What I'm assimilating,

is that you don't know
what you're talking about.

- Two.
- What?

- Seven.
- Huh?

- 18.
- What about 18?

- Square root.

- Come with me.

So this is where
the magic happens.

- The magic... in the sense
that everyone

looks like they want
to disappear?

That guy there, is he dead?

- No. That's the pot
we confiscate from the students.

You can take some,
but leave some for the others.

Everyone,
This is Maria,

she's been a substitute teacher
since 8 this morning

and she already
feels like killing.

- Hi, Maria.
- Hello!

- Do you want some coffee?
It's not very good.

- No, thank you.

- You OK, Maryse?

- No.

I almost sat on
a thumb tack again.

Third time this month.

At least this time, my
tetanus shot is up to date.

- Here you go, Maryse, take some,
it'll do you good.

- I'm smelling a burnout.

- That's a common smell here, huh?

- Hey, Mom! How are you?

- I'm fine.

- What are you up to?

- I was watching TV,
The Golden Goose Game Show.

- Good!

- How did your first
day go?

- Good, good.

I think I'm starting to like
it more and more.

But I'm not good at it.

- Don't say that.

- But it's... it's cool.

I'm meeting up with the girls,
we're going out for drinks.

- Say hi to the girls
for me, OK?

- OK, Mom. Don't wait up for me,
I'll be coming home late.

- You know, just because
we spent the night together

doesn't mean we have to
have breakfast together.

- Then, she starts whining

because I have
natural peanut butter.

- It does taste like dirt.

So my first day
really went well.

I felt like
a true champion.

- I think I'm going
to leave Joe.

- Well, he sort of
marked his territory.

- No, but I'm serious.
- OK, OK.

- I told you she
didn't love him anymore.

Managing a class full of teens,
it is a bit difficult...

- He's the love of my life, but
at the same time, how can I tell?

I've never known any
other men.

- So really, what's the problem?
Stop freaking out.

- You can't even
have a woman over for breakfast.

Even if you make her some toast,
she won't think

you're a couple.

- It's obvious
you're not a lesbian.

- It would do you good to
do something other than work.

- But I love to work.
- Good for you, Laura.

I think my new job
is going to do me good,

you'll see,
I'm going to be a new...

- Hey! You've told us
3 times already,

Maybe you could listen
to your friend for 3 minutes.

Today I made a dog vomit
the string

from a roast he ate,
do I tell you about it?

- Well huh...
- She's right, you don't listen.

You've never listened.

- Hello! I'm Maria!

- And I'm...
- Hi!

I'm Maria!
- I'm Raphaëlle.

- So? You see?

That's why we've been
friends for so long.

- Maybe being stuck in the same class
for 13 years helped a little bit.

- I would say we became friends
in spite of it.

- My favourite animal
is the horse.

The horse...

- My mother once had a horse,
his name was Nafkha.

- OK, that's enough everyone.

Maria, thank you.

Go ahead, Raphaëlle.

- Horses have a
gestation period of...

- It means “fart” in Arabic

because he was
an old horse

and he was
always farting.

- Ever since that day,
I've hated horses.

- We were just kids.
- Ah, that's cute.

You're speaking in the
past tense.

- You were like that as
a teen, too.

- What's going on?

- Joe just left her.

- He told me he was
into some other girl.

- That asshole!
- But at least you've had a boyfriend.

- Marie, now's not the time.

- What? You've French kissed.

Me, the only time
I had a French kiss,

I was a dare
in Truth or Dare.

- Ah for real,
shut the fuck up!

- Come to think of it, he left
me for you, you cow!

- You were already
secretly eating vaginas then.

- Maria!
- What?

Everyone here knows
that she's a dyke.

She keeps coming here
to hook up with girls.

Guys, I finally
have something I like,

I have a new job!

For once I have something

fun to talk about.

- Yeah, the problem is
you do the same thing

when you don't have
a new job.

- Oh boy! First of all,
you don't know how to play pool.

Second of all, forget about her,
I'm still happy

that you found something.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, it's creepy, a 30-year-old
who does nothing.

Ah! It's my nightmare,
I think.

- That's because you
date your job.

- OK, I admit I'm not
a very good listener, OK?

But it's the first time
in my whole life

that I'm feeling
really happy.

- You're not exaggerating you know.
- OK well I'm calling it a night.

I have to get up early tomorrow,

I'm shopping for urns with my mom
because she's sick,

she's dying,
she has cancer.

I don't know if you recall,

but anyway,
you probably don't,

because I'm not allowed
to talk about that either.

- That's not what we said!
- Bye!

- Maria! Wait! Oh!

For real, if you leave me here
to kiss someone,

I'll kill you.

- But I never do that.

- Mom?

- It's me... your mother!

- What are you doing?

- Practising for
when I'm dead.

- It's late. Go to bed.

- Oh, I already took a nap.

- Ah, of course, your
midnight nap, huh?

Want some?

- Ah, thank you for
sharing my own pot.

- My pleasure! You OK?

- Bah, I ache all over,

but since I'm buzzed
out of my mind, I'm OK.

- Anything I can do?

- You want to do
something for me?

Help yourself, that would help me.

There's a pile of bills bigger
than your ass that's waiting for you.

- Ah, my ass must
be ginormous then.

It's all good now. I'll be
retiring soon.

- Stop fooling around Maria.

When you came to live here,
it was for a few days.

- Yeah, and now it's been,
what, 4 years?

- I won't be able to take care
of you when I'm gone.

- That's why I'll live
off my inheritance.

It's going to be all right,
don't worry.

- I once took a class
in teaching.

I wanted to be a teacher,
but I kept thinking:

"Oh, you're no good,
you're not interesting."

I put it all off to later,

but then, you were born,
and then I told myself:

"Doesn't matter,
one day, I will..."

Oh!

I love you very much...

but stop screwing things up!

Good night...

- Hello!

- Good morning.

- I would like a latte, please.

- A latte? You're in a public
school cafeteria here.

Do I look like a baritone?

- It's barista.

- It's shut up.

- I'll take a regular coffee then.

That's all.
- Yes.

- It wasn't a question,
that's all.

Fucking cow!

- Yuck!

Hi! Go out with me on Sunday!

Hi! Hey, calm down.

Hi!

Ah, that's pretty lame.

- You're talking to
yourself now?

- No, no.
- Yes.

- It's because I want to
ask a girl on a date.

- Ooh!

Sorry. I don't know what
got into me. Who is it?

- None of your business.

- Show a little respect,
I'm your teacher.

- It's none of your business, ma’am.

- You're no fun.

- I don't want to talk
about my crush with a teacher.

- Come on!

- She's really smart,
she's cool.

Some kids say
she's a fatty.

But I think she's perfect.

- Oh no!

Listen, I'm really touched,

but you can't crush on me,
I'm your teacher.

But if I was your age...
- Yuck! No, it's not you!

- If I was your age,
I would kick your ass.

- No, but yuck, you're
a grown woman, is what I mean.

- Ouch! So who is it? Bethesda?

- How did you know?

- You always have a stiffy
when you look at her.

Huh, forget it.

- Huh...

- Let me give you
some advice.

Just be nice,
but not a doormat.

Be tender, but not mushy.

Be funny, but not a dickhead.

- It's pretty complicated.

- Right, and that's why
I'm totally alone.

Alone, all by my lonesome.

So come on, we're going
to be late. Let's go.

OK! Gabriela Alvarez?
- I'm here.

- You're comfortable
in that bathing suit?

- Yeah, why?
- No, no, no, just inquiring.

It's just that we can
see a few cracks, but you know.

- I'm used to it.

- Ah, you're used to it?

Sorry, I'm an idiot,
old habits.

Please stop rolling,
those pretty eyes

Elliot Bernard-Grandbois?

- Absent.

- Bethesda Caron? Bethesda?

So where's Bethesda? I
thought I saw her earlier.

- She just realized she's
a big fat cow.

- Simon, would you please
start stretching?

And no one in the water.

It's dangerous,
there's no lifeguard.

Except for Elliot, you can go
in the water, drown,

do what you want,
I don't care.

Bethesda?

Bethesda, where are you?

Bethesda?

Where are you?

Come on, show yourself!

I'll nip at your heels
if you don't come out.

Oooh! Ooh, yuck,
you don't have flip flops,

there's all kinds of
bad stuff on the floor.

- There's nothing on the floor.

- Why aren't you in class?

- Everyone laughs at me.

- OK, but what do we
care about them,

you have to come to class.

- I'm staying here.

You can flunk me,
I don't care.

- I know you
don't care,

nobody here cares about
anything anyway.

- I don't want to come out.

- OK, if you don't come out,
I'm calling the cops.

Hee hee hee!

You knew I wouldn't really
call the cops huh?

Huh-huh! Nope, you're staying here.

Why aren't you coming to class?

- Everybody calls me fatty.

- And do you think,
you're fat?

OK.

- Are you a pedophile?

- Shush! What are you
talking about? Of course not!

I just want to show you
that I'm not thin either.

- It's true, you do
have a belly.

- Sure, I have a belly
and I'm fine with it.

- Yeah, but you're not fat.

And you're an adult,

you have a lot more
self-confidence than I do.

- OK, I'm not quite
an adult,

and yes, you're a little round

and you look like the sun
in Teletubbies

in your nice little
yellow suit,

but you're still pretty
and we don't give a crap

because nobody's ever happy
anyway.

Do you like to swim?

- At home, yeah.

- Imagine enjoying
swimming anywhere.

- I guess it would be fun.
- It would, wouldn't it?

Can you imagine not doing
anything you enjoy doing

because of a little moron
like Elliot?

- I think you're not
allowed to call him a moron.

- I know, but you won't snitch
on me, huh?

- Never.

- Look, you might not have
control on your appearance,

but you have control

on whether you accept what
people say or not.

Look at me, you're beautiful.

And you can be fat and
beautiful at the same time.

And besides, you know
there's going to be people

who'll say you're too fat,
you're too skinny,

you're too tall,
you're too small.

Who cares!
We don't give a damn!

You have 2 choices:
you let them get to you,

you're unhappy and you let
life pass you by,

or you come with me and
you move forward.

You literally plow through them.

Good! That's the smile I
wanted to see again!

Come on, follow me
and fuck them all!

- Ma'am?
- What?

- You're pretty cool.

- No. I'm chubby.
Onward!

Let's get on board!

We'll show them
who's the captain here!

I pee in the water.

But don't tell anyone, OK?

It's our little secret.

So, is everyone fully
warmed up?

- Hey everyone, it's the
big Bethes-stump!

- What did you say,
Ellishito?

- Hey, you're not allowed
to make fun of me.

- Oh, sorry,

we can't hear you, there's
too much echo, Ellifuck.

All right, everyone
in the pool,

and swim a few lengths
to warm up.

- Watch out, Bethesda
is going in the water,

the pool might overflow.

There won't be enough
space for everyone!

- Good thing this will
be compensated,

by the fact that you
have a really small penis.

- OK, but at least
I've seen one.

- You, maybe, but not
many girls

can find it to see it.

- Woah, woah! Two seconds.

Booger jokes are OK

poop jokes can be OK too,

but jokes about
small penises, no way,

and neither are
jokes about fat people.

And jokes about fat people
with small penises are the worst.

So please, stay away
from these 2 topics,

they're really disrespectful.

Do you understand me?

Do you understand?

You can continue sparring.

- You were saying?

- That I can't even see
my vagina because of my belly,

but you, no one can
find your penis,

even with a microscope.

- That's a no-no.
- Hey, fuck you!

- I'd love to, but
I can't see your penis.

- OK, woah! The size of a penis
doesn't matter.

Not that I'm saying you
have a small penis,

and I don't want to know
the size of your penis, Elliot.

But could you just
leave each other be

and just like each other
as you are?

Please.

- Hey, Elliot, I found your penis,
it was in the drain.

- Bethesda, no!

- Get dressed.

I don't argue with people
in their bathing suit.

You're not allowed to
bully students.

- And you're not allowed
to smoke indoors.

- True.

Get out. You did nothing,
you saw nothing.

- I'm not getting punished?

Ellishito - that's a good one!

I'd never heard that one
before!

This is what Edith, the woman,
would like to say to you.

Now, for the principal.

What's your fucking problem?

Now, this is me talking. What is this?

You think teaching is a joke,
is that it?

Do you realize you're not in their
class. You're their teacher.

- I'm sorry.

- I think you have potential,

but no fucking willpower.

Work on that.

So that being said,

I have to thank you.
- What? Are you firing me?

- No, I have to thank you
for listening to me.

- Edith, I'm fed up of watching
them being awful to each other

all day long and nobody
does anything about it.

- Let them defend themselves,
that's how they'll learn.

- If I let them bully
each other like that,

they will become
crappy adults.

- Look, it's cool what
you're doing with Bethesda,

but you can't start
bullying them too.

You have to manage shit,
not provoke it.

- I understand.

- Two years ago,
I went to Thailand.

Beautiful trip, oh!

Great food, fun in the sun,

Christ, did I ever enjoy it!

- What are you getting at?

- Well, hello, Thailand.

A country that's dirt poor,
and I had lots of fun.

- OK.

- So, despite a hostile
environment,

there's always a way to have fun
by staying positive.

- So what you're saying,

is that if there's people
around you who are hurting,

if you smile,
nobody's suffering anymore.

So basically, your
expertise is denial.

- You're making me sound like
an idiot and I don't love it.

- I'm sorry.

- Look, what I mean is,
if you want to help them,

just make sure
they stay in school.

And to do that, you
have to make them like school.

- That's really deep.

- All right so, now it's
time to meet with the parents.

That, I promise, will
really make you want to

get the hell off to Thailand!

- What? That's tonight?
- It's right now.

- What are you doing? You OK?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Listen, if it’s about
what happened

at the pool, Elliot...

- No, that's not it.

Just leave me alone.

- OK, have a nice day.

- My kitchen is closed.
- You close at 6, come on.

- No, if no one's here
I can close early.

- But I'm here.

- That's what I said. There's no one.

- Come on, it's an emergency.

- Really? Are you having a stroke?

Because that would be an emergency,
otherwise it doesn't count.

- I know your work

mustn't always be easy,

and the kids are probably
mean to you,

but I really believe

that there's a good person
behind that grumpy face.

And I think you deserve
to be treated with kindness.

Thank you, dear.

Hi, come in, come in!
Please take a seat!

Would you like a sandwich?

- No thank you.

We're Elliot's parents,
Elliot Bernard-Grandbois.

- Or, as you called him,
Ellishito.

Bravo. I haven't heard
anything positive about you.

- That's great because
I don't have much to say

that's positive about
Elliot either.

- We were worried about sending
our child to public school.

- Very worried.
- With everything you hear.

- Life is a jungle for
kids today.

Every day we're afraid
for our little Simon.

- Don't worry,

your boy is so nice,

he's kind,
he's considerate,

he has a crush on the
fat girl in the group.

- Pardon me?
- Yes, sir.

- I don't have a choice,

I have to stay, my grandma
doesn't speak the language.

- OK. So Gabriela is a
very lovable girl,

but she talks a lot
during class.

Gabriela is a very friendly girl

and an almost perfect student!

- Often, during class,

she disturbs others
and that affects her grades.

I'm really impressed with her grades

- Listen, things aren't
great at home,

but Elliot still is
a good kid, huh?

He washes his own dishes.

- Not here. He disturbs class,
he doesn't pay attention,

he insults the other students,
he drags his ass...

Ah, sorry, his bottom.

I'm very concerned
about his future.

- Teachers and their
little boxes.

You're really all the same.

- We don't believe in discipline
we believe in self-discipline.

- Oh boy!

You need to have a
conversation with him.

- A conversation about...?

- Sex, Hélène.
No, we don't want to talk about that.

- We don't even talk about it
between us.

- You won't have a choice
if you don't want

him to turn his attention
to something else.

- That's what we want.
- Not something other than sex.

Some other way to find out about
sex, like porn for instance.

You wouldn't want porn to answer
his questions.

- My God, no!

- She's not in danger
of failing,

but it could come to that
if she continues to

spend all her time in class
on her cell phone.

I believe she deserves
an award

for her impeccable behaviour
and outstanding grades!

your granddaughter
is a liar

and I understood everything
she told you

We can speak directly
in Spanish, you and I.

You should be ashamed!
We'll talk about this at home!

Don't worry, I'll deal
with her.

You, shut your mouth.

Gabriela, let's go.

Serves you right.

- You're going to have
to talk to him, Serge.

- I'm not comfortable doing this.

- Will you be comfortable

when you walk into his
room and see

a dildo the size
of a fist on his bed

because he thinks fisting
is a basic move?

- Fis...
- Fisting, Hélène.

- Emile! Cripes!
Not again!

Sorry, it's
a fucking mess here.

- No stress, it's always
a fucking mess.

- I don't think she's in
the mood for your wisecracks.

Oh, oh, oh!
Speaking of wisecracks.

Looks like Edouard has
a little plan.

- What's he doing?

No! Mommy,
said no.

No, it's not nice for
the pool. Hey!

Sorry.

- Here, Maria.

- Oh, thanks sweetie!
It's beautiful!

- Why do you laugh?

- Because it looks like a vulva.

- A what?
- No, it's very pretty.

- Of course you would
find that pretty.

- Moron!

- It's a rose,
I really love roses.

It reminds me of you.
- That's very nice.

But let's keep your drawing
away from auntie Laura

because otherwise,
she might just eat it!

- You know he's only five?

- Yes, and it's the right age
to explain to him that his rose

looks like a 93-year-old's
not too tight vulva.

- You'd better never
have a kid.

Emile, would you
please draw

a rose for me too?

- Yes, draw a rose for
auntie Laura,

she hasn't seen one in a while,
she misses it.

- She misses seeing a rose?

- Yes, exactly.

- Go ahead, and don't forget
the labia majora,

I mean the petals.

- Ah, really!
- I love you, little man!

- Ah, Lolo,
I wanted to ask,

I'd like to go out,
to dinner with Joe

this weekend,
you know, with no kids.

Would you mind babysitting?

- Ah, huh, you're going to
freak out but...

I have a date on Saturday.

- What!
- I’m blown away.

- I thought you didn’t date.

- I know, but she showed
up at work with her dog,

and I don't know, we clicked.

The magic of vet clinics
strikes again.

- It's our second date.

- Oh no!

Oh no, now I'm going to be the lame
single friend again. Crap!

- Loser!

- But I can babysit
if you want.

- No thanks.

- I spend my days
running after kids,

I can do it,
really.

- Yeah, I don't know.

- Sure, and if anything
happens you can call me.

- Absolutely, yes.

- No, no, I mean when
something happens.

- OK, no, sorry.

Enjoy your date,

we'll let Maria babysit,
I'll put my trust in her.

It's settled,
that's what we'll do.

- Can I please have
your attention please.

- OK, but there's just three
of us, no need to be so loud.

- Raphaëlle, you've been the
love of my life for 12 years now

and I want to make it official
in front of all our loved ones.

Raphaëlle Létourneau-Paré...

- Raise your leg, get up.

- ... would you be my wife?

Huh?

- We need milk.

- What?

- There's no milk
for the kids.

They'll freak out tomorrow,
morning we have to go get...

We have to go get milk!

- Yes, yes, yes, we're out of
milk, we're out of...

- But we don't need
milk now. Raph?

Raph?

- Raph, what are you doing?

- I need air!

- Having a smoke wouldn't do?
- No.

No! Don't get in!

I'm too hot or
I'm premenopausal.

- No, you're pregnant.

- You don't want us
to come with you?

- Yes. No. Just walk
beside the car.

Ah! My bad...

Ah! Again!

Freedom!

- What are you afraid of?

- I don't know,
missing out on my own life.

- I don't think you're one
marriage away from escaping.

- No, you have 2 kids
and you're expecting twins.

- But now you have to decide,
we walk, you talk,

because it's cold
and it's raining.

- I abandoned my family!

- No, we're 3 houses away, it
doesn't count as abandonment.

- No, it doesn't even count
as a walk.

- Do you wanna go
back home?

- Yes!

Because I don't know
what I'm doing!

- Brake.
- I have to brake?

- You have to brake now.

- That's it. Now turn off
the ignition.

Turn off the ignition.

- Ah! Again!

My love!

Yes, I do.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I panicked,
I’m sure.

- Can we go now?

Hello?

Speaking.

OK, I'm on my way.

I'll always love you Mom.

Your memory will make
me stronger.

I promise you I'll
make you proud of me.

- You know I'm not
dead yet, right?

- Yes, I know, I was
just practising.

- How's school?

- Good, but you know
how it is,

there isn't a lot of
people who listen to me

so it's just me
talking to a wall.

- You know,
my greatest regret,

is dying without having seen
you reach your potential.

- Mom, let me reassure you,

even if you lived to be 1000,

you would never see me
reaching my full potential.

Can you do me a favour?

- Depends,
if you need a lift,

I'm a little bit
busy right now.

- Will you pray for me

when you're in heaven?

- Done.

- Already? Liar.

- I prayed that you would
let me rest a bit, OK?

- OK.

- I'm OK.

- OK, it won’t be long.

It's not very hard to
unroll a condom on a penis

and by the way, this size,
isn't common.

It's a lot easier when
the penis is erected,

it's a lot faster
and less embarrassing,

but if it happens,
it's not the end of the world.

Elliot, get off your phone.
Yes, Bethesda?

- If the penis stays soft,
what do you do?

- If it stays soft,
you can French you know.

Sometimes that, and not freaking
out, will make it go hard.

- And if the penis breaks,
what do you do?

- If your penis breaks,
Elliot,

maybe it's time

you stop humping the sofa
or your vacuum cleaner.

But no, you can't think
about this kind of thing.

It's the same as if you
freaked out

every time you get
behind the wheel,

thinking you're going
to get in an accident.

Bethesda?

- And if the guy doesn't
want to hook up?

- If the guy doesn't want
to hook up with you,

listen, you can talk with him.

Sometimes sex
comes down to

if the desire isn't mutual,
don't force it.

- And how do we know
we have a desire?

- You, Elliot, you'll have a hard on
and Bethesda, you'll get wet.

- Yuck! No!

- It's not because Bethesda
isn't your type

that she isn't
anyone's type.

It's like food,
some like chicken,

others like sausages.

Elliot, get off your phone,

it's the second time
I'm asking.

Hey!
- I‘m texting my mom.

- Doesn’t your mom
know you're in class?

Your mom doesn't work?

- Yes, she works,

it's just that she
misses her little boy.

- OK, that's not funny,
get off your phone.

- Two seconds.
- Get off it now!

- I'm done now.

- Hey!

What you need to understand
about sexual relations,

it's that it's fun

when both partners
really want it.

Hey, that's it!

- Hey!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

- I've had it!

I'm not letting them
screw around with me.

Get off your fucking phone!

Take this you fucker!

- I was quietly smoking
my cigarette,

hidden behind
some bushes,

watching the birds
poop all over the place,

normal life stuff, you know.

And then the situation screamed “danger”.

- I lost it, I admit it!

- You can't just throw
a phone like that.

- Edith, I can't take it
anymore, I feel like

I'm repeating the same thing
day after day.

I ask them to
turn off their phones

and to open their book.

And then, the next day,
I get to class,

and I get frustrated because
they didn't do their homework.

And then they whine

and I ask them to turn off
their phones again.

I'm fed up!

I'm fed up of repeating
the same thing!

It feels like
every day,

it's a new group and I have
to start over!

I don't teach them, all I
do is discipline them!

- Look, I think you're just
tired. Get some rest.

- I'm in top shape.

- No one's in top shape

when they throw cell phones
out the window.

- OK, so what do I do?
- Get some sleep.

You know, when you were in school,
when school was over,

you'd get home,
school was over.

These guys, when
they get home,

school is still on
with social media.

You know, yeah, they're
always on their phone,

but you have to know having you
calms them, they like you.

- You think?

- I'm really happy, Maria,
you're starting to look

like someone who's
in the right place.

Oh no, don't cry,
I hate that.

Jesus Christ, hey,
no, not a hug.

Here you go... and
it’s full of love...

- Oh, oh! It's plus two,
and I have it.

Hey! I saw you cheat,
you just hid your plus 4

because you know you can't
end up with that, huh?

- I don't cheat! Stop it,
you're just a sore loser!

- Woah! You guys
stop shouting,

please!

Or I'm calling social services!

- All right, it's 10,
go brush your teeth.

And if you want,
I'll read you a story.

- Do we have to shower?
- No.

- But Mom's going to be upset

if she sees we didn't
wash our little skin.

- Ugh! You're not
circumcised?

Let me fix that for you.
- Ah! Ah!

- No,no it's a joke,
just a joke.

Go brush your teeth.

- What's circumcised?

- Circumcised, that's when
they take the penis

and take off the little
skin all around it.

Jewish people do that,
it's cleaner.

- Does that mean if there's
no more little skin,

you don't have to wash it?

- Exactly, you still have
to wash your peepee,

but you won't have to hear
your mom shouting:

“Did you wash your
little skin?”

OK, awkward!

Go on, go
brush your teeth.

Hop, hop, hop! Get going!

Mr. Emile, upstairs.

What's wrong?
What's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's going on?

- Emile wanted to cut off
his little skin

so he wouldn't have to
wash it, like you said

and now it's bleeding!

- Let me see. Ah!

- Edouard, stop that.

OK so, Edouard,
listen to me.

You're going to take
a washcloth,

and you'll put it on
your brother's penis,

I'm calling for backup.

- Hello! You've reached Raphaëlle.

Leave me a message, or not.

- Hi, Raph, no stress,

but I have a question
about your boys.

- Emile just cut his penis!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

- Not his whole penis, OK, bye.

- Hello?
- Yes, hello, Laura!

Listen, I don't want to
bother you during your date,

but Emile cut his peepee
and I don't know what to do!

- What?

- I don't want to touch his
penis, I'm too uncomfortable!

- On my way.

- Hey! I handled it like
a pro.

Turns out it was minor,
just a scratch.

He did it with
a butter knife.

He was more scared
than anything. Huh, boys?

I can't believe this.
I'm going to kill you.

Are you OK my love?
Huh? Everything's OK?

- Yes, Auntie, I just didn't
want to have to wash my little skin.

- Tell me about your date?
Is she the love of your life?

Do you want something? There's
leftover pizza if you're hungry.

- OK, guys,
go to your room, OK?

Go, go, go!

I'll go read you a story.

- Good night, little ones!
- Good night, Maria!

- Good night, Maria!

- Good night, my darlings!

They're so cute!

Son of a bitch!

Hey if you don't want to go
read them a story,

that's fine, but no need
to be rude.

- OK, you call me for
an emergency

telling me there's
blood everywhere.

I drop my date like
an idiot in full panic mode,

I drive even though I'm
clearly over the limit.

I get here and the kid just
has a little scratch on his bat.

And you're all OK with this,

you offer me pizza
and beer,

as if I just helped
move your washing machine.

- I didn't know if
you had dinner or not!

- It's incredible!
You really don't get it!

- Woah, chill!

- Where is he? Maria,
what happened?

Speak!

- Is he all right?

- Of course!
- Christ, Maria!

I told you so.

- Emile!

- More fear than pain.

He didn't want to wash
his little skin!

I stopped the bleeding,
everything's fine.

- And meanwhile, where
were you?

- On the couch.

- He ran off
with a knife.

How come you didn't see anything?

- I'll tell you why
you didn't see anything,

because you're a
selfish bitch, huh?

Everything's always funny,
nothing's ever important!

If it's all good with you,
it's all good with everyone!

- OK well I think
maybe we should

talk about this
tomorrow, huh?

Before anyone says something
they might regret.

- Exactly, calm down, Raph.

- No, I won't calm down!

You spoiled my evening,
you spoiled her date,

you cut Emile's penis!

- That's kind of a funny
enumeration, isn't it.

- I'm going to ask you
to get out of my house.

- Ah no, no,
no, no, no,

you're not going to
whisper to me.

- I think you deserve
being whispered to.

- No, no, no, no, no,

it's been 12 years since
she last whispered to me.

And you know,
when she whispers to me,

it's because she hates me,
do something.

- I'm going to ask you
to get out of my house

and to go think about
what you did

while I handle
my son's penis.

- Don't be such a baby, Raph.

- Stop, Maria.

- Ah! Raph, come back!

- No! You're going to have
to understand

that everything doesn't
revolve around you!

I had to convince Joe that
you were able to babysit

at fucking 30,
at fucking 30 years old!

You think everything magically
works out.

Well, it doesn't. We're the
ones patching things up!

You're not the fucking
centre of the universe!

Come on!

- Hi!

Hello, I'd like to order.

- Look, me, I would like
to go to Punta Cana,

We all have dreams.

I'll have the shepherd's
pie, please.

- A sandwich? Perfect.

- I'll have the
shepherd's pie.

Please.
- Look, there's none left.

- There's a full pan
of it right there.

- Are you calling me
a liar?

- Yes.

- Sorry huh?

All my serving spoons
are washed,

I wouldn't want to dirty them.

- Hi!
- Hello my dear!

What can I get you?

- I'd like some
shepherd's pie.

- Enjoy!

- Thanks.

- You can go to the cash.

Raymond!
- What?

- Bring me another apron!

- OK!

- Hey! What are you doing?

- What the fuck
do you want, bitch?

- What did you just
say to me?

- I said what the fuck do
you want, bitch?

- You know I can
flunk you, right?

- Don't care. I already
flunked twice.

- Why am I not surprised?

- We're busy, can't you see?

- Ah really? You sure?
Check it out, I have a gun.

And I'm not afraid to use it.

- OK, OK, OK, OK, OK,
it's all right ma'am, it's OK.

See you tomorrow, jackass!
- That's it!

Hands up!
Get out of here bunch of losers!

Woah! That was close!

- You really have a gun?

- No, it's the wooden penis.

- You won't tell
anyone, will you?

- Does that happen often?

- Since the beginning of the year.

But I don't care.

- No, you do care, Elliot.

For real, sometimes,

it's OK not to be
cool either.

OK, Elliot, tomorrow we're
going to see the principal.

- No! I can't.
I don't want anyone to know.

- Tomorrow at 4, I'll be there,
I'll fix this.

- What are you going to do?

- Do you trust me?
- No.

- See you tomorrow.

What does he want?

Hello, Myles!

- Maria!
- Yeah?

- Are you in a bar?

- Yeah.

- With your back to me?

- Depends where you're sitting.

- Are you wearing a
black sweatshirt?

- OK, I don't feel like
playing who is this.

- I'll be right there.

I can't believe
you're here.

Good news! An audition for
a commercial. Country-wide!

- Myles, I'm not an
actor anymore,

I'm... I'm now a
high school teacher.

- Come on, it's for a commercial,
it's an audition.

It can't be worse than
teaching high school.

- I don't see how telling
thousands of people

that I'm regular,
every single day

is better than
talking to teenagers.

- Listen, how about this,
you go to the audition,

if it doesn't work out,
I'll never bother you again.

- No.

- $100,000 in one afternoon.

That's like 10 years of
teaching, I guess?

- Maybe you're exaggerating?

- Barely.

- I'll think about it.

Aren't you supposed
to be somewhere?

- No, I was looking for you.

It only took me an hour.

- You didn't think of
texting me?

- I believe in destiny.

It worked. I found you.

So are we on? Come on.

Come on, one last time,
please.

- Hi! My name is
Maria Escondite de Bellerue

and I'm auditioning for girl
no. 2 in the yogourt commercial.

A little tight, but OK.
OK, I'm ready.

Mmm! This is an amazing
explosion of flavours!

I can do different
variations if you want.

- Hey! Ellishito!

- Get over here! Hey!

- Good, I did my stop.

Elliot! Elliot, am I
on time?

- Go to hell!

- I'm sorry,
it's not my fault,

I had an audition for
a yogourt commercial.

- I hope you get it

so I never have
to see you again.

- Ah, I'm sorry, come back!

I'll make it up to you,
promise! Elliot!

Christ.

- “Virgil is a little man
who lives in the clouds...

He goes around Earth

and the world seems very
small to him, it's..."

“It's morning,

but this morning isn't
exactly like the others.”

- Excuse me.

- What's wrong?

- I don't know.

I think I'm
feeling bloated.

And I think that's why
I'm not feeling good.

Just one fart and
it's all going to be fine.

- Stop.

- What's wrong, what's wrong...

My mother's dying,
that's what's wrong.

You were right.

- As usual.

- It's not that hard to be
happy, after all.

It's unfair, you can't just...

you can't just die
like that, it's stupid.

- I don’t get to decide, you know.

- But who's going to
smell my farts

and think it’s not
funny?

- Everyone,
don't worry about it.

And if, let's say, sometimes,

I'm in doubt
and I don't feel good and...

I don't understand anything,
what am I to do,

what do I do?

- You're amazing.

Trust yourself.

Don't worry about it.

- What are you going to do
when you're in heaven?

- I'll drive them all nuts.

They won't be able to kill me.

- I love you, Mom.

Maria, I bequeath you
my happiness... Mom.

Coming!

Coming, coming!

- I'm selling chocolate,
it's $3.

- “Good evening ma'am.

“My little sister
is very sick.

And I'm selling chocolate for $3,
it's for cancer.”

Usually,
that's how they do it.

- I don't have a little sister.

- Start over.

- Good evening ma'am.

I'm selling chocolate
to buy a motocross.

- Excuse me? And what are you
going to do with a motocross

besides drive your neighbours crazy?

Come back!

Give me everything you have.

I'll give you 40 bucks.

Ooh! I'm not giving you $40
for your motocross.

It's because I think it's
cool, what you're doing.

You work hard,
you knock on doors,

you're really earning
your money, congrats.

And also because I just smoked
3 joints and I don't feel like

going to the store
to buy chocolate.

Promise me you'll always
be this hard-working.

Repeat after me.

I promise...
- I promise...

- ... that I'll always
work hard...

- ... that I'll always
work hard...

- ... to make my dreams come true.

- Could you just give me the 40 bucks.

- to make my dreams
come true.

- to make my dreams
come true.

- Ms. Maria.

- Ms. Maria!

- Thank you and good evening,
young entrepreneur.

- Dad, I sold everything
to the stinky lady!

- Hey! I'll slash your
tires on your motocross!

Ah, and forget it, I would have
done the same thing at your age.

Poor baby!

I so sorry
about your mom.

- But why didn't
you call us?

- I thought you didn't
love me anymore.

- No! We still do!

It's just that sometimes,
you're hard to love.

- I know.

- You OK?

- I already miss her.

She just left and I already
don't know what to do.

- You're stronger than
you think, you know?

You just can't stop trying.

Oh!

- Ah! I would give
you a hug too,

but the smell of weed
and pickles,

I just can't, ah!

- It's my 2 basic fragrances.
- Yes.

If you need something,
anything, we're here for you.

- Anything?

- I need Joe.

- My Joe?

- Hello there, having a pleasant evening?
- It's not evening.

- Ah, it's because I've
always wanted to say that.

- OK, so you, of all the
things cops would say,

“pleasant evening”
is your favourite?

- Look, let's discuss
this later, OK?

How you doin', homies?

- Come on, we're not
in a movie.

- Look, I told you
we would discuss this later.

- What can we do for you,
Lady policewoman?

- Call me officer.

We received a call.

We were told
there were 3 bums

terrorizing kids in
the school's hallways.

- You know
what this means?

- It means you are

under arrest for
sexual harassment,

and that's a minimum
30 years jail time.

- Come on, don't!

- OK, it's not nice
to bully other kids, OK?

You bug my friend Elliot again,

you'll pee your pants

until you get a urinary tract
infection, is that clear?

- Yes, sir.

Have a nice day.

That was hot, right?

- You intimidated three
sixteen-year-olds, bravo.

- I scared them,
like Maria asked.

- You're not real cops,
are you?

- No, we're friends
with Maria.

- Yeah, it makes sense.

- We were good, no?

- You were fine.

- Today, we celebrate

the life, and death, of Sylvie.

Huh... Sylvia.

Maria,

her only daughter,
that we know of,

has gathered us here
so we could honour her.

I would ask Sylvie's...

Sylvia's, best friend,

Manon, to come
say her goodbyes.

A round of applause for Manon!

- Hello everyone! Is this on?

Can you hear me?

- Yes.

- Good.

Sylvia was my friend,

my best friend.

She didn't call me often,

but when I called her
and she answered,

we would have long
phone conversations.

She really liked
talking on the phone.

I liked our conversations.

She made me feel special.

We would talk about our
favourite singers who passed away,

movies from another era.

She loved Dalida
and Joe Dassin.

And the movie Casablanca,
oh, she kept...

Excuse me, I forgot to
put it on silent mode.

Yes, hello?

Really?

It's an honour.

OK, yes.

Give her a kiss for me.

Thanks.

It was Dalida.

She said Sylvia arrived
in heaven

and she's feeling good.

- So this was Manon.

Manon, everyone! Manon!

- Does he work at a karaoke bar
on weekends?

- We...we...will now

celebrate Sylvia

With her favourite song.

What she enjoyed most of
all, was music.

And what she wanted,

was to hear this song
one last time.

- That was Manon, ladies
and gentlemen! Manon!

2 months later

- Great!
Where the hell is she?

Hey!
- So, your class?

- I already hate them.
- Ah, that's a good sign.

Your mom would be so proud
to see that you're teaching.

- You didn't even know her.

- No, but I don't need to
have known her

to know she'd rather see
you teaching

than telling everyone

that your poop is top shape
thanks to your cereal.

- Ha! Of course, from that
point of view, you're right.

- Well, I have to go,
I have trophies to dust.

- Ah, the famous horse
riding trophies.

- No, no,
pole vaulting.

I wasn't so much into
horse riding anymore.

- For real?

Anyway, everyone is
really happy

you're back.

- I'm really happy to
be here too.

Jeez, is there any way
to get served here?

- Heads up, Maria!