Mardi Gras: Spring Break (2011) - full transcript

* Kick him when he's down
and hope that

* He don't plan on getting up

* Kick him when he's down
and hope that

* He don't plan on getting up

* Straight from the bar
to the bathroom stall

* I go knocking door to door

* Hoping somebody opens

* I go sniffing
through my laundry

* Looking for a clean shirt

* I go pee in the sink

* When the bathroom's locked



Hey! That's all of 'em.

Only one thing left to do.

You sure about this?

Nope.
But if this doesn't work,

I don't know
what else will.

God be with us.

The social environment
in contrast

to the natural
environment

plays a key role
in self-perception.

Your notes need some love.

Your arm needs some love.

You know, that's not
the only part of me
that needs some love.

I hope we're thinking
about the same part?

Otherwise what
I have in mind
could be incredibly awkward.



For both of us.

I think we're gonna be okay.

There's a study group
at my apartment tonight.

Is your place quiet?

Should be.
Doubt Bump and Scottie
have anything going on.

(LOUD HOOTING)

Party! Big party tonight!

Oh, my God.

4029 Walnut!

Beer and chips!
It's gonna be huge!

Yes!

Everyone's gonna get laid!

Rock on!

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(ALL GASP)

Did you know about this?
No.

But it is definitely
gonna get worse
before it gets better.

Please!

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

I'll help.

Where's the music?
Do something!
It's not working.

Well, what am I
supposed to do?

Figure it out!

Party tonight!
Yeah, yeah.

Gonna be sweet.
Big party!

Fun times, right? Okay!

Rock on!

Son of a bitch!
I got it!

(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING)

What the fuck?

Huh? It won't turn off.

Why is that even
on there in the first place?

It's... It must've skipped
to my bath mix.

You stupid bitch,
do something!

This is embarrassing!

I'm freezing
and my cock is so small!

I look like
a goddamn hamster!

Fuck it.
(ALL GASP)

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

About how many
of you are there
in this row?

Fifteen,
is that something?

Gonna be beer!

Gonna be food,
gonna be chicks, yeah!

Hey, guys.
Bump.

Hey. Erica, so uh...

We're having a big party

and you know,
you should bring
all of your friends.

Only the hot ones!

Hey, so just take one
and pass it down.

So I guess,
it's not gonna be quiet
at your place after all.

Uh, it's hard to say.

ERICA: Oops.

Oh, let me
get that for you, sweetheart.

ALL: No!

How have you been able
to put up with this
since high school?

They're my best friends.

Think it might be time
for an upgrade?

Just in case
somebody didn't
get one, okay?

Yeah.

(YELLING)

Don't forget!
Free booze!

Gonna be the greatest party
of all time!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

This is the worst party
of all time.

Okay, guys,
think I'm gonna
call it a night.

Maybe go kill myself?

Come on, Bump!
Look on the bright side, man.

Least we got enough
booze and food to last us
the rest of the year.

This is bullshit!

We're second semester
seniors, and look at us!

Well, what?
What's wrong with us?

Not you, "us."
Us, "us."

Yeah, the two of us
who don't have
an incredibly hot girlfriend

who's gonna come over
and screw us
any minute now.

Oh, come on!
You guys don't
have it so bad.

I mean,
at least I've been laid.

Scottie's a goddamn
virgin who talks
to his cock.

Okay, leave Max out of this.

I refuse to have a discussion
with a grown man
who calls his penis Max.

It's his name,
what else would I call him?

A worthless appendage
that gets no poon?

I don't know how
our social lives
at this college got

so shitty!

Well, maybe showing
your anus to everyone
in Behavioral Psych

wasn't the best step forward.

This sucks.

I don't know how life
could get any worse.

Despair.
Destruction. Desolation.

Thankfully New Orleans
refused to give in to defeat,

and today the city
thrives again.

Join us tomorrow night
at 11:00

as our own J T LeBlanc

reports the rebuilding effort
that continues there today

even as the city
celebrates this festive
Mardi Gras season.

That's it.
That's what
we have to do.

We should volunteer
in the Lower Ninth Ward?

Are chicks into that?

I'm talking about
Mardi Gras.

This is the answer
to all of our problems.

I can't go to Mardi Gras.

I think you guys
are missing
the big picture here.

This is our chance

to make up for
all of the "almosts"
and "never wases"

of the last four years.

Do you know what
I searched to get this page?

Mardi Gras!

This was the first page
that came up.

Are we grasping that point?

Bump, look,
I'd love to go.

I've got cousins that
live down there.

But I'm not gonna
just bail on Erica.

Mike! You're our wingman!
We need you.

No!

Look, you don't have to
do it for me.

You don't even have to
do it for Scottie.

But think about
poor little Max,

a ship before its
virgin voyage.

Dry docked.

Never even
been wet before.

Not even its little head.

It's not little!
Do it for Max.

Think of it

as Max's Mardi Gras.

(DOOR BELL RINGING)
The chicks!

My grandfather died.

MIKE: Oh, my God, Erica!

I take it
you came alone?

(MUTTERING INAUDIBLY)

He meant so much to me.

I'll get a flight
for the funeral.

No, no. I don't want you
to do that.

I think I just need
to be alone
with my family.

Just for a couple days.

I understand.

Can I do anything?

You could give me
a snuggle.

And you could TiVo
American Idol?

Oh, now she wants
everything.

You are always
there for me.

I'm so glad that I have
a boyfriend like you.

You're my rock.

That's my job.

I love you.
I love you, too.

Oh, I love you, too, also.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your family's
in our prayers.

I'll text you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

This is fantastic!

Dude! Her grandfather died.

And she'll be
gone for days!

Imagine a place, Michael,
a magical place,

where a man
and his beverage can
walk the streets unaccosted.

(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

Where drunk, hot chicks
come standard,

and delicious boobies,
they grow on trees.

You guys hear that music?

So what's it gonna be?

I'll go if you go.

If I go,
and you tell Erica...

Like she'd believe a word
I said anyway. Come on.

(SIGHS)

Well, I guess Scottie
does need to get laid.

So?

Let's go to
Mardi Gras, boys!

Yes!

* I'm cruising down
the boulevards

* Slow down
bend the corner

* Everybody sees me
and says, "Hello, what's up"

* Pull up at the curb
Hop out in my Adidas

* Hear the bass pumping out
the 12 inch speakers

* Boom boom microphone check

* Turn it up till you
feel it in your chest

* Boom boom microphone check

* Can't sit still
with a rhythm like this

* Look for me
when you come downtown

* I'll turn it up,
can you hear me now?

* Just follow the road

* See that crowd
that's jumping around

* Dance your blues away
while the DJ spins

* Right out of my trunk

* You been at work
all day... *

(TIRES SCREECH)
BUMP: Sorry about that.

So, uh, look, guys,
I started mapping out
a rough itinerary.

I, uh, I was thinking

we could get tickets
to the Preservation Hall
Jazz Band,

and if we have time,
I'd love to take an afternoon
and go to the bayou.

There's this guy,
Fred, who's renting out
airboats that...

Tits!

Wow, that hurricane
was worse than I thought!

BUMP: We've been lied to!

This city's not thriving!

Guys...

Hey, Mike,
thanks for paying, bud.

Did I have a choice?
No. No, you didn't.

But no worries, man.

These things are like
heroin at Mardi Gras.

It's a strict
jewels-for-boobs operation.

You give a girl beads,
she shows you
her delicious tits.

That's not cheating, right?

Last I checked, Mike,

seeing boobs wasn't cheating.

It was just
plain incredible.

What the hell are those?

Bush beads.

Bush beads?

They want these,
they gotta show bush.

What's up with you, Scottie?
You didn't buy anything.

MIKE: Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ,
what is that?

It was my grandmother's.

See, I don't need
a suitcase full of plastic.

Just one special necklace
for one special woman.

Gay!

So what's the deal, boys?
Next stop, hotel?

No. We're going
straight to Bourbon Street.
Are you kidding me?

These guys have been
drinking for days.

We got a lot of
catching up to do, boys.

Next stop...

Paradise!

(LOUD CHEERING)

Hey, is this Mardi Gras?

I think so!

What time does it start?

I don't really know!

Oh, it's a good thing
we got all those beads, Bump.

You don't want used beads.
It's classless.

Show your tits!

Sorry, boys.
We've just thrown
a show down the street.

A show?
WOMAN: I got beads!

Got it, I got it, I got it,
I got it!

(GRUNTS)
Damn it!

(GROANS)

Oh, my God!

I'm fine.
Thank you for asking.

Hey, listen.

I wouldn't be
opposed to you
earning them.

Hey, come on!

So, how does this work?

You give me these beads,
I lift up my shirt,

you stare at my breasts
and what, we call it a day?

(LAUGHS)
Oh, absolutely not.

You lift your shirt,
I stare at your breasts,

then I give you the beads
and we call it a day.

(LAUGHS) Oh, wow,
was I born yesterday?

Nice try, but no.

Aw, come on, Lame Girl.
Quit being so lame.

Listen, dickhead.

You think it's normal
for a girl to sacrifice
her dignity

for four cents
worth of plastic?

Isn't that just
a little ridiculous?

If I say yes,
do I get to see your tits?

(YELLS)

Fellows, huddle up.

All right now,
you brought me
down here for a reason

and that's to have
a good time.

So I think the best
point of attack here
is to...

Are you peeing?

You just pissed on my shoe,
for Christ's sake!

Well, I thought that that
was why we were huddling.

Let me get this straight.
So you won't take a shit
in a public restroom,

but you'll piss in the middle
of a crowded street?

I thought that's why
we were huddling.

Bad Scottie! No!

Look, the best course
of action is to go straight
down Bourbon Street...

I found her!

Where's Scottie going?

BUMP: Shit on my tits!

That is
Carmen Electra.

Hi.

Oh, my God!

Wow, these are
really beautiful.

They're real.

So are mine.

You're the one.

Ooh, aren't you cute!

Thank you.

What the hell
just happened?

Did you just ask
Carmen Electra
to see her tits?

That was Carmen Electra?

I gave her my necklace!

Your only necklace?

You just blew
your entire load
on Carmen Electra?

Yeah!

Oh! Relax, buddy.
It's gonna be all right.

At least you can say

that you gave
Carmen Electra
a pearl necklace, right?

(LAUGHS)

I think that
the best thing
to do here is to

warm up to these girls
a little bit,
to get to know them...

What the hell are you doing?
Nothing.

Do you have
insurance for this?

Boobs!

(CROWD CHEERING)

I gotta admit,
it's awesome to see
a strange girl's breasts.

I'd crawl a mile
on broken glass

to suck the dick
that fucked her last.

Shakespeare couldn't have
said it better.

Ooh!

That's it.

Snuggle bear?

That's Erica!
Code blue!

Scottie, let's go!

I don't understand.

Whoa!
Guests only, folks.
Need wrist bands.

Okay.

I just don't understand...

Just keep moving!
I don't understand!

Mike, you get to see those
every night?

Why isn't she
picking up her phone,
what the hell?

Hey, good extraction.
Clean and effective.

It couldn't have
been her, right?

I mean, you know,
lots of people
have a similar look.

How could she do this?

With her grandfather
barely in the ground.

Oh. Right.

There's gotta be
a good explanation, right?

I mean,
I'm sure there is.

Yes. Erica is a lying whore.

With an amazing rack.

Shut up!

We're gonna get my car,
go back to our room,

and find out exactly
what hotel she's staying at.

That's gonna be a problem.

Uh-oh.

Where the hell is my car?

Damn it!
My bush beads
were in there!

And your car...

Maybe we're on
the wrong street?

No, no, no, no,
we definitely
parked here.

I distinctly
remember that
fire hydrant.

(DESK BELL RINGS)

Oh, great.

Three more drunk
college kids.

Actually, we're not drunk.
We just need to check in.
It's under Smith.

(TYPING)

Mmm. Well, I'm not
finding anything.

When did you
make the reservations?

Just yesterday.

We have been booked
solid for six months.

Listen, uh, Barry,

it's spelled
S-M-I-T-H.

Nope.

Bump...

Tell me you didn't
drag me down here
without a reservation.

Scottie, buddy,
I gave you
one thing to do.

Please tell me
that you didn't
screw that up.

No, I swear.
It's all right here, okay?

The Chateau Burgundy,
three nights,
three people, room 745!

745?
That's impossible.

We only have
three floors.

Well...
Guys...

BARRY: You must mean 7:45 p.m.

But feel free to
confirm with
the, uh, maitre d'.

You made a goddamn
dinner reservation?

Okay, Mike. Obviously,
you're a little upset.

Let me handle this,
all right, buddy?

You made a goddamn
dinner reservation?

Well, if you want
to get technical,

I made three goddamn
dinner reservations.

That sucks!

How do you think I feel?
Where am I gonna take a dump?

Where are we gonna sleep?

Ah, I'll call my cousins.

"Mailbox full."

All right, look,
let's think about
this logically, okay?

We're three kids from
strong, middleclass
suburban homes,

obviously we're not gonna
end up sleeping
in some random alley.

Jesus!

Morning.

Morning, gents!
How'd we all sleep?

Where the hell were you?

I was picking up your car
and I got a cup of joe.

Want a sip?
It really takes
the alley right out of you.

Guys!

I think it's time to go.

What?

I'm not having
a good time,

and I'm not wading through
a million people
to find Erica.

So let's just
get in my car
and go back to school.

(LAUGHS) Scottie.
Buddy, come on,
help me out here.

I don't know,
this vacation
kinda blows.

I see,
we have a little setback

and suddenly everybody's
ready to pack it in?

It's shaping up to be
more than just a little
setback, Bump.

Look, I will be the first
to admit that yesterday
was not ideal.

Carmen Electra
robbed Scottie of
a family heirloom,

and Mike, your girlfriend
showed half of Louisiana
her breasts.

Her wonderful,
glorious breasts.

I'm done.

Mike, I know how you feel!

Because how you feel right now
is how Scottie and I
feel every single day.

Well, not every day.

Some days.
Mostly on the weekends

when people are
hanging out and...

We brought you out here
because we needed you,

and now you need us!

Look, I admit,
at the moment things feel

pretty shitty.

But remember how
we felt yesterday?

When we saw those breasts?

You mean, Erica's breasts?

No!

Before they were
Erica's breasts!

When they were just
the two most

beautiful mounds
we've ever laid our eyes on.

Okay, can we just
stop talking about my
girlfriend's breasts, please?

Your ex-girlfriend.

I'm talking about
a feeling, Mike.

A fleeting moment
of Zen.
We can get that back!

(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

We just need
to work together.

Sure, we can go
back to college,
finish it out,

graduate in three months
and never know
any better than this.

There's that music
again.

What if we didn't go back?

What if we vow
not to go back

until we made Mardi Gras
our own personal playground?

What song is that?

Scottie, buddy,
what do you want more than
anything else in this world?

Carmen Electra.

Let's not limit
our sample size, okay?

Mike! Besides
a time machine
and a shotgun,

what do you
want the most?

Nothing?
Not gonna help me? Okay.

'Cause I know
what I want.

I wanna make my mark!

I want to rock
the greatest party
in the world!

I wanna make
Mardi Gras my bitch!

Look, giving up
is not an option.

I say we stay!

I say we conquer!

I say, by midnight

Fat Tuesday,
no matter what happens,

we're gonna be partying
on one of those sweet-ass
Bourbon Street balconies!

How the hell are we
gonna do that?

Are you with me?

I'll do anything to stop
the fucking music, okay?

(MUSIC STOPS)
Mike, please, trust me.

I'm not gonna let you down.

(SIGHS)

I don't know, man.

I didn't want to
have to do this.
Scottie, show him.

You taped it?

I had to.

You see what she's
doing there? You see that?

She's gonna be doing that
every day, every night,

and then again,
all day tomorrow.

Especially this part.

What kind of pep talk is this?

Look at that smile
on her face.

She's so content,
she's so happy.

You need to
have that smile.

(SIGHS)

It's 7:00 a.m.

Where can we get
a goddamn drink?

Bottoms up!

You're gonna get
a disease.

Yeah, it's called alcoholism,
I should be so lucky.

Bump, maybe
you should slow down.

Maybe you should
start drinking.

That's disgusting.
You're drinking garbage.

(GAGGING)

A quarter.
I'm actually making money.

You're an imbecile.

Okay, prima donnas,
you got a better idea
how to get drunk at 7:00 a.m.?

I'd love to hear it.

Elitists!

Getting an early start, boys?

BUMP:
You guys are pussies!

They wouldn't drink the trash!

(GIGGLES)

Oh!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Well, pussies,
let's get your cat up.

House drinks.

Got to love
the Hurricane.

Well, on some level,
exposing

the flaws
and capabilities
of our emergency...

Scottie! The drink!

You'd think they'd
change the name!

Hey! Where you going?

Alpha dog, Mike.

Leader of the pack.

If we're gonna
be the guys
on the balcony,

we gotta show this city
what's what!

I'm gonna hustle
the shit out of these guys

like Paul Newman
and Woody Harrelson.

I'm pretty sure
they were never
in a movie together.

You shitheads think
you can play pool?

I'm like
Harrelson, baby!

You should probably
take it easy with these.

I had a rough night.

Huh. Why is this called
the "Hand Grenade"?

(BOMB WHOOSHING)

(EXPLOSION)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, welcome back!

Huh?

You've been out cold
for two hours!

Two hours?
Yeah!

People just left me here
on the stool?

Actually, no, no, no, no.
Check it out.

(GROANS)

Oh, Jesus!

I need some air!

Hey, it's Mike!

Hey, everybody, Mike's up.

(ALL CHEERING)

Erica?

How's your dead
grandfather doing?

Oh, my God!

Wow! That's the best
pickup line
I've heard all week.

Oh, my God.

(STAMMERING) This is...
I'm so...

No, no, no, don't be.

So, what?
I ask you about
a dead relative

and then we just
totally make out?

Mike. I need to borrow
1,000 bucks.

I can give you $18.

Close enough!

How do you do,
madam?

Well, aren't you chivalrous!

(LAUGHS) I have no idea
what that means, but yes.

It's quite long
and big around, too.

(LAUGHS)

So, I'm guessing
Mike's already told you
about his girlfriend?

Bump, we literally just met.

No worries.

I'm pretty sure
she's not his girlfriend
for much longer.

(WHISPERS)
She lied to him,

and showed her tits
to all of New Orleans.

Hey, don't you have
a game to get to?

Yeah! Got these guys
right where I want 'em!

For Joe-boy and Dante!

So, I hear your girlfriend
lied and showed her tits
to all of New Orleans?

Where'd you hear that?

I'm sorry. That sucks.

Yeah, but I was
asking for it.

Yeah, at Christmas
I hooked up with her sister.

Wow, really?

No! Actually I made
a fruit salad.

And I took
her nieces caroling.

Well, now it makes sense.

I mean, she's upset
to find out you're gay.

Yeah. Some women
just don't appreciate
a good gay man.

No, they don't.
They definitely don't.

But you know,
it could have been worse.

You could've found
your boyfriend in bed
with his Russian Lit TA.

So...

Oh, I'm not actually gay.

Yeah, I was talking
about my boyfriend, genius.

Wow, you're slow!

I kinda
like that in a man.

(LAUGHS) Ouch!

Anyways, my friends figure
Mardi Gras will cheer me up.

You know, getting drunk
and naked is the cure.

Well, in that case
my girlfriend's
definitely on the mend.

Come on, we're going.

(GROANS) They're dragging me
to the Frat House.

Oh, what's the Frat House?

Only the ultimate destination
for incredible bar contests
and half-price beers.

Well, have a good time.

Thanks. Uh, Lucy. Mills.

Oh, I'm... I'm...
Mike.

Yep. I got it.

Those gentlemen
take the game of
billiards very seriously.

What happened
with your chick?

I don't know.
Uh, she and her friends
took off.

What? Oh, you blew it!

You do realize
that entire conversation

was an l-wanna-potentially-
sit-on-your-face interview,
right?

Really?

Well, what're you
looking at me for?

I don't have any
business being
in this conversation.

Mike! You've gotta
snap out of it!

If Erica's gonna
show her tits to everyone

and probably blow
a bunch of dudes,

then there's no reason
for you to be turning down
fine tail like that.

You need
to have fun!

I need to shower.

Great idea!

You guys go find
a room, get changed,

go put your
game faces on,

I'll get us
a bunch of chicks.

We'll meet up in an hour
and rock this town
like a hurri...

Like a thunderstorm.

(LAUGHING)

During Mardi Gras?

Yeah, right! Hey, Larry.

Now listen to what
they just asked me.

Ask me again.
Go on.

We were wondering...

All right, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
Let me get a straight face.

(CLEARS THROAT)

We were wondering...
(LAUGHS)

No.

During Mardi Gras.

Hey, ask me again,
come on.

Hey, are you the guys
that asked about
the vacant room?

Yeah.

Yeah.
Can you help us out?

(LAUGHS)

That's really funny,
douche bag.

* Looki pi pi pooki po po

* Kicki pie ya

* Ticki tavi, babe you savvy

* Tara la la

* Holy moly wooly booly

* Come on, baby,
let's boogie... *

Like eating fish
in a barrel.

Ladies.

Let's see what
we got here, huh?

Sir, may I take your order?

Give me a Party Platter.

After all,
I do like to party.

Sir, the Party Platter
is recommended for
groups of six or more.

Lame Girl?
Dickhead?

What're you doing here?

So you like,
live at Mardi Gras?

(WHISPERS) That's awesome!

As you can see,
I've added
to my collection.

If you see one
that you like,

I definitely see two
that I like.

Aw, aren't you cute?

I remember
my first beer, too.

I'll be right back
with your order.

So!

I'm guessing three
beautiful ladies
such as yourselves

could use someone
to show them
a good time.

Hey, right?

Here you go.
(CHOKES)

Diet soda?

Tell you what.

If I polish
these babies off in
five minutes or less,

you give me
your number?

And how are either one
of those scenarios
attractive to me?

(MEOWS)

(SLURPING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

They say these things
are aphrodisiacs.

It's totally working,
by the way.

The three of you
are giving me
one hell of a giant boner.

(WHISPERS) Giant.

Wow. Still batting
a thousand, Romeo.

Listen, Lame Girl,
by Fat Tuesday

all the beautiful
ladies in this city

are gonna be lining up
for a piece of
Bartholomew T. Brown.

Look, I say this
out of compassion.

Guys like you,

you come down here
desperate for attention,

eager to overcompensate

for whatever
meager existence
you have in college...

I see it every day.

And it always ends badly.

Trust me.

Point taken.

Challenge accepted.
Game on.

Mike, l really gotta
go to the bathroom.

Max just went at
the last hotel.

Jesus, now you've
got me doing it.

Well, uh, it's not Max
this time, it's...

You don't have a name
for your ass?

Who names their ass?

This is the place
from last night.

Well, maybe they had
a cancellation or something.

Hey.

Ah. A little early
for your dinner
reservation, gentlemen.

We figured it was
a long shot,

but we just wanted
to see if any rooms
had opened up.

Let me just check.

No.

The baby's head is
starting to crown.

Uh, excuse me, sir,
can you point me towards
your nearest bathroom?

The bathrooms are
for guests only.

Please, it's...
It's an emergency.

Then I suggest you call 911.

You don't understand.
This could do
irreparable damage

to my lower intestinal...
(ELEVATOR DINGING)

Meet me out
front in 20.

Hey!

(YELLS)

Get back, don't...

Security.

One or two?

Definitely number two.

Hello. Are my eyes
deceiving me

or are you two
dead ringers
for the Olsen twins?

No fighting over
who gets to be
Mary-Kate.

(GIGGLING)

How about letting me
have a sip of your drink?

Please, by all means.

Hey, Mike!
Perfect timing.
I was just thinking

that the four of us
should continue
this conversation...

What's going on here?

We should probably
just go.

No, no, no, bud.
Let me handle this.

(WHISPERS)
Hey, listen, pal.

You're ruining our game.

Can't you see my boy and I
are working these girls?

Oh, you're "working them."

Big time.

We're trying to,
you know,

do them.

Look, there's
three sausages
and two ovens.

You do the math,
big guy.

They are 15 and 16,
for God's sake!

Three days
we've been here,

and you're the 100th
college guy who's tried
to get in my daughters' pants!

Daughters?

Did it work
for any of them?

I've got a good mind
to check out of our hotel
and go home right now!

Daddy, no!

Ah, your dad's right!

This is no place
for girls your age.

You don't need to
deal with jerks like this

harassing your daughters
all week.

And look at him,
he's a slob.

If I were you,

I'd get out of here, too.

And you!
You owe this man an apology!

He is obviously
a responsible parent,

who understands that
impressionable young ladies

should not be exposed to
what is going on here
on Bourbon Street.

I'm...

Sorry?

Come on, girls, let's go.

And thank you.
Come on!

Oh, Daddy...

What the hell was that?

Watch and learn.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING
ON RADIO)

We'll need
turndown service later.
Thank you.

(GROANING)

Holy shit.

What're the odds?

Well played, Michael.

Checking out early, sir?

Not early enough.

Hmm. Well,
I'm sorry to hear that.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

You're never gonna
guess whose room I'm in.

You're in someone's
room?
Yeah.

Come on, guess.

You'll never get it
in a million years.

Tell me it's not
Carmen Electra.

Yeah.
How did you know that?

Because she just
walked into the hotel.

What hotel?
This hotel?

Finish up
and get the hell out of there!

Done and done.

Please do come back,
visit us again.

Don't count on it.

I believe you have a vacancy?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Dude, what's up?

It won't flush.
What?

There is a turd
the size of
a Norwegian cruise ship

stranded in the toilet
and it won't flush!

Okay, relax.

How am I
supposed to relax?
It's Carmen Electra!

Jiggle the handle.

Don't you think
I tried that?

How are they gonna
know it's yours? Just get
the hell out of there!

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENING)

It's getting
so hot out there!

I know!

DOMINIQUE: I can't believe
how far we had to walk.

Holy Mary, Mother of Christ...

DOMINIQUE: We should
wash up before
the next parade.

(BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(RETCHING)

I'm gonna go
take a quick shower.

Okay.

I think the maid
used our bathroom.

Gross!

(WATER RUNNING)

Dominique, do you
have the soap?

Oh, yeah,
it's right here.

Don't use all the hot water.
I want to take
a quick shower, too.

I'll try, but you know
how bad these showers are.

Oh, I'll just
jump in with you.

Gee, it's hot!

That's nice.

Don't get my hair wet.

Will you wash my back?

Sure.
Thanks.

(LAUGHS)
Your hands are so soft.

I wish I had
your boobs.

Oh, stop it.
Your boobs are gorgeous!

Oh, but yours are
so perky.

Thanks,
but I'd kill for that ass.

(WHISPERS)
Not now, Max.

I trust you had yourself
a fine time trespassing.

I am so very sorry.

If I see you again,

rest assured
I will be calling
the authorities.

Okay.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

That towel.

That's hotel property.

You do not want this towel.

Oh, I most certainly do.

No, no, you do not
want that towel!

I want that towel!

Just give
me that towel.
You don't!

I will have that towel, sir...

(BOTH SHOUTING)

I will have the towel!

(RETCHING)

I'll show myself out.

Well, there's no
sweet-ass balcony,

but you gotta admire
the craftsmanship
of the bricks.

We got showers and beds!

It's fantastic!
Did Scottie call?

Are you kidding me?

God damn it!

Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

Get cleaned up, buddy boy.

We're going out.

Who are you
and what have you
done with Mike?

Showtime.

I don't even wanna know.

Dude, get out of there.

Something in that fountain
smells like shit!

Hurry up. Dry off.

Got somewhere to be.

Did you guys shower?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, people,
we're about to start
another contest.

Win passes
to the hottest
party in town!

All teams
to the stage.

It's t Maxim Party!

You don't wanna miss this.

We don't want to miss this!

EMCEE:
It only happens once a year,

and this is your chance
to get in on the action!

This is gonna be
the biggest party ever

with all the hottest
guys and girls.

You don't wanna
go home and tell your friends

that you didn't have
a kick-ass Mardi Gras,
do you?

Don't miss this opportunity

to party like a rock star

at the most exclusive
event in the city.

It's the Maxim Party!

All teams sign up
with Zane at the front
of the stage!

Hey, sailor,
what brings you
to the ultimate destination

for incredible
bar contests?

And half-price beers.

Actually, I'm looking for
the girl I've been stalking.

She said she'd be here.

Well, maybe you can
buy me a drink
till she shows up.

Can't talk.
Max has gotta pee. Hi.

So that's Scottie.
Oh!

Who is Max?
Oh, it's his penis.

What, you and your friends
don't refer to your, uh...

Vaginas.

Mike, it's cool!

All women name their vaginas.
It's endearing.

Really?

No! It's creepy and weird.

(LAUGHS)
Why would we do that?

BUMP: Who can drink
more beer than me?

(BELCHES) No one!

Who's more amazing
at life than I am?

No one!

Hey, Mike!

We've been friends
since ninth grade.

Really? That's great.

Yeah.

You know, good friends
are hard to come by.

Apparently they're also
creepy, weird,
and really loud.

What'll it be, guys?

Two of your largest, bluest

and most ridiculous
umbrella-laden drinks,
preferably on fire.

How did you know my drink?

Everybody loves
the Flaming Lucy.

Bump did something stupid.

And that would
surprise me because...

EMCEE:
All right, one last entry!

Please welcome
to the stage...

Bump, Scottie, and Mike!

(CROWD BOOING)

Come o Maxim Party!

All the hot girls
for Mardi Gras are
gonna be there.

Remember.
Free drinks, hot music

and, of course,
the special guest host
is Carmen Electra!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, we're doing this!
We're doing this! Let's go!

Well?

Oh, oh, I don't really
do this sort of thing.

You know, I'm really
more the safe guy
than the crazy guy.

Oh. Well, that's too bad,
'cause the girls and I are
going to that party.

But, no, you play it safe.
That sounds fun.

Check out yesterday's winner
for a preview of the action.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Lucy.
Huh?

Meet Erica.

Erica, Lucy.

Looks like I have
a contest to win.

BUMP: Yeah, Mike!

Let the Wet T-shirt
Olympics begin!

I'm feeling sexy now!

All right, neck to neck.

If you drop the orange,
you're out!

Go!

To your right.
No, to your other right.

(GRUNTING)

Something still
smells like shit.

EMCEE:
Ooh, now it's getting hot.

Oh! We have a drop.

Sorry, ladies.

Yeah!

Sorry, ladies.

Three teams left.
On to round two.

(CHANTING)
Show us your tits,
show us your tits...

EMCEE: Now we are partying!

I don't wanna
show 'em my tits.

Relax. Now,
when we're passing
the orange next time...

Bring out the cherries!

Oh, this is gonna be bad.

Mouth to mouth!

Slowest team walks.

Go!

Well, the girls are off
to an early lead.

Our guys seem to
be lagging behind.

Thank God!

Uh-oh.
The guys are going for it.

Grab it! Suck it out of
my goddamn mouth.

EMCEE: Come on, girls,
please don't let us down.

We need you!

Oh, Jesus!

(CROWD BOOING)

Ooh, we have a drop. Great!

Another team of girls
eliminated.

God bless America!

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

(CHEERING)

(CROWD BOOING)

Oh, come on!

Two teams left.
Three beautiful ladies...

(CROWD CHEERING)

And three
stupid losers who are
ruining this for everyone.

Don't you listen
to that glorified carnie.
We got this in the bag!

You know this is gonna be
a great party!

VIP entry.
Bottomless drinks.

Speaking of bottomless,
I think it's time to
take it up a notch!

(CROWD CHEERING)

I told you this was
gonna be hot, didn't I?

Now this is
more like it!

What kind of misogynist
contest is this?

Look, there's no shame
in quitting.

Eat me, douche bag!

We're gonna be champions
of the world!

Scottie,
take off your pants.

Oh, no.
Look!

There are more of those
at the party.

And Carmen's
gonna be there!

Okay, I'm in!

* Licky like a credit card

* Licky like a rock star

* Licky like a sexy ear...

You know, you're allowed
to switch to boxers
when you turn 13.

I hate you.
I know you do,
old friend.

Come on, Mike,
take it off!

EMCEE: Don't worry,
hope isn't lost yet.

Bring it on!

Let's show the girls
how much we love them.

Zane, bring out
the bananas!

Uh-oh. Bananas?

I don't mind
being a virgin.

Shut up.
It can't be that bad.

You're gonna pass it
from here

to here,

and end up here.

And of course,

no hands allowed.

Okay.
It's completely horrible.

Fastest team
gets the passes. Go!

* Licky, licky,
licky, licky...

This is more like it!

Damn, that's hot.

* Licky, licky,
licky, licky... *

FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
Okay, boys.

All right,
we are winning this
goddamn contest!

All right, the girls
are way ahead.

All right, Bump.

Do me quick
and professional.

Wait, you guys are
actually going for it?

Oh, Jesus!

Okay, please watch it.

No!

(ALL GROANING)

Scottie! Turn around
and take it like a man.

I quit!
Get him, Mike!

Ugh!

Come on, girls, faster!
Get in there!

Oh, my God, no!
Please! Can't we...

No, no...

Close your eyes.
It'll go faster.

I love you, buddy.

No!

Yes!

Congratulations
to our winners.

BUMP: Thank you.

More sausage
for the party.

Way to go,
crazy man.

So I guess
I'll see you tonight?

Count on it.

This party better
be amazing.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh-uh,
back of the line, boys.

Stop right there.
We're VIPs.
We're on the list.

Everyone over there's
on the list.

Um...

About how long
do you expect
we'll be waiting in line?

I think you know
the answer to that.

Have fun.
What the hell,

you just let in
those guys
with the chicks.

Ah. Chicks.

What do you mean?
We've got chicks.
They're in there.

I know. "Everyone's got
chicks in there."

I took a banana
up my ass.

Step aside, guys.
You're not gettin' in
without girls and costumes.

Okay, new plan.

We head back
to Bourbon Street,

and don't stop drinking
until somebody vomits
all over Scottie.

Who's in?
I took a banana
up my ass!

Guys! Guys, guys!

We're goin' to this party.
I'm seeing Lucy.

We're not gonna sit around
some crappy bar,
drinking cheap beer,

pretending like
everything's perfect.
All right?

That's not why
we came down...
Did you hear that?

I think Mike's balls
just dropped!

Listen, while I appreciate
your enthusiasm,

that line's not moving.

Plus, you heard the man.
We're not getting in there
unless we've got some tail.

Well, I got an idea.

SCOTTIE: So what do these
cousins of yours look like?

What? You're picky
all of a sudden?

But yeah,
are they hot?

Well, I haven't seen them
since they were 10,

but from what I remember,
hopefully they've improved.

Well,
this sounds lovely.

I don't care how they look,
they're still my family.

You treat them right.

Cousin Michael?

Aw!

(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna make a large
donation to a charity
of your choosing

if you just let me
suck on one...

Janice,
Cousin Mike is here!

Cousin Mike!

It's been so long!

MIKE: Wow!

Twins?
He didn't say
they were twins.

Twins are always hot.
Always.

I think Mike's family's
a little closer
than most, right?

BUMP: They're pretty
close, uh. It's...

Okay...
That's enough.

(CLEARS THROAT) So...

These are my friends,
Bump and Scottie.

Hi.

Need a place to crash?
You could share my bed.

Or my bed.

It's, um, just a little small,
but we could squeeze together.

Actually, what we were
talkin' about was maybe

hittin' up this
costume party
later tonight,

and, uh, I didn't know
what you were up to tonight...

We'd love to go!

JANICE: Let's get
some costumes.

Great!
Aha!

Jackpot!

These are gonna be
so crazy.

These...
And you're gonna get
the same exact one as me.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Normally, I'd be disgusted
by the idea of incest.

But quite honestly,
if you don't bang
the shit out of those two,

I'm gonna punch you
right in your face.

They're my cousins.
I don't care!

We're right next
to Mississippi.

If we don't get any traffic,
I'll have you there
in an hour,

and you'll be married
to one of them
by midnight.

I need to borrow you.

I hate you.

Oh, God!

What?
What're you doing?

We need a family
member's perspective.

Yeah,
what do you think?
Ha!

You are both beautiful.

BOTH: Oh!

Oh, we want your opinion
on our costumes!

We want to make sure
our outfits are appropriate.

Ah, you both look,
you both look very good.

Does my butt look okay
in this?

Uh, I gotta go.

But you just came.

Almost.

'Sup?

What the hell are you
supposed to be?

A giant hotdog.
What the hell
does it look like?

The classy, genteel
Southern Plantation Owner.

You look ridiculous.

Thanks, I appreciate that.
Unfortunately,

this store only had
one costume left in my size.

So, considering
what my options are,

I think I look
quite dignified.

Jesus, Scottie,

what the hell is
taking you so long?

Just pick one, already.

Oh, this is really important.
The right costume
could get me to second base.

Wrong costume...
It could be deadly.

Well, there's obviously
no contest.

Get the Smurf.
Smurf?

Really, I was kind of
thinkin' Cowboy.

Scottie,
Smurfs are awesome.

They're cuddly,
they're there for you
on a rainy day...

What about that suggests
that you won't get any?

Uh, everything?

You know what,
I'm goin' Cowboy.

Cowboys are rough
and rugged.

Okay, this costume says,
"Watch out, ladies,

"I deal with horses
and Indians."

Yeah. It also says,
"If left alone on a snowy
mountaintop in a pup tent,

"I might do a dude."

What?

Cowboys are gay!

When did that happen?
Are you serious?

Scottie, do you remember
when New Kids on the Block
was cool for like a week,

and then it became totally,
utterly gay?

Not really.

Same thing's happening here.
Cowboys jumped the gay shark.

You know, Bump?
I'm gettin' the Cowboy,
all right?

Okay. Well,
we'll swing by a drugstore,
pick you up some body spray,

and a pack
of ass condoms.

* I could use another round

* So I could really
get on down

* I got soul
I'm so wasted

* I'm in the middle
of the floor

* Everybody is lookin' at me

* I got soul
I'm so wasted *

Oh. I wonder
if Erica called.

Oh, my gosh!
I am so stupid.

What?

I forgot to put
my panties back on.

Janice...
I know.

I am such a scatterbrain!

I think your phone's
poking me.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Sorry about that.

(SCOFFS)

You gotta be kidding me.

Oh, wait for it...

Have fun.

(LAUGHS)

What... You said that
if I brought...

Two girls, two guys.

No. Guys?

BUMP: Guys!

* Oh, now you never know
where you're gonna go

* Oh, get crazy,
come on, lose all control

* Oh, so let's party like
there's no tomorrow

* Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Got my hands in the air
got my feet above the ground

* Got my hands in the air
got my feet above the ground

* Got my hands in the air
got my feet above the ground *

Don't say anything!

Hey, where's Bump?

Uh, must be getting drinks.

Mikey, we wanna dance.

Uh, I'll...

Hey, thought that was
you guys.

So, uh, listen, I sort of
have this arrangement
with the bouncer,

he's a good friend of mine
from the gym.

Anyway, I was wondering,
how would you lovely ladies
like to cut the line?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure, great.
(GIRL LAUGHS)

Yes.
Awesome stuff.

So, I wasn't sure
if you'd recognize me
in this outfit.

We had that moment
at the oyster place.

You four together?

Not him.

Oh! Oh, so
that's how it is?

Fine!

I hope you have
a good time
at the party.

I don't wanna go anyway.

'Sup, ladies?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Ugh!

Hey, Carmen,
it's me!

Hey, Carmen!
It's me, too!

We don't need her, bro.
She's not that hot, anyway.

This one?

I didn't mean it.
She's hot as shit.

Miss Electra
requests your company
in the VIP room.

Lucy!

Mikey, come back!

Hey!

I thought that was you
dancing with the hotties.

Oh, those are just
my cousins.

All right.
You got a lot of weird shit
goin' on, don't you?

You don't know
the half of it.

(CHUCKLES)

Dance with me?

Okay.

* I can fall in love tonight

* Feels so good
feels so right

* I can show you
what it's like

(GIGGLES)

I'm beginning to thank Bump
for draggin' me down here.

* I wanna get next to you

* Feels so good...

Hey, come here.
No!

Don't come back!

(GROANS) I'm prepared to
make a civil rights issue
out of this!

Dudes are people, too.

Hey!

Say, great costume.

Thanks. I like your whole
Colonel Sanders thing.

I have a brilliant idea,
and 100 bucks.

Excuse me?

Hold on a minute.

It's okay.
My girls are
already inside.

I'm the anchor.

The anchor?
You know,

the chick some
asshole's gotta bone

so his boy can do
her hot friend. C'est la vie.

Dude, go home.

Oh, look who it is,
the big winner!

What're you supposed to be,
a douche bag?

(LAUGHS)

I was gonna put a cock
in my mouth and
go as your mom.

Let's do the Sprinkler.

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)
Ready?

All right. All right,
I can get behind that.

All right.

What is this?
Shopping cart.

Shopping cart!

(LAUGHS)

So I told Harrison Ford,
"Don't you talk to me
like that, Harrison Ford!

"Do you know
who you're talking to?"

Oh, but he's a doll.
(SCOTTIE LAUGHS)

So what does
a stylist do, anyway?

Oh, what doesn't a stylist do?

Pick out makeup, hair,

shoes, clothes.

By the way, I love
your little outfit.

Giddy up. (GIGGLES)

Whoop.
Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh, here!
Have more champagne.

Oh, I'm... I'm good.

I did, one, two,
three, four...

And then, five...
Uh-uh, shh.
Don't be a pussy.

Can I borrow your friend
for a second?

(SIGHS)

Hi.

You havin' a good time?

Yeah.
Listen, I have
a confession to make.

I lost your necklace.

I found it.

(LAUGHS)
What are the odds?
That's...

That's what I said!

It must be fate.

I have to go
make an appearance
on the dance floor...

You know anyone
that might be interested...

(GASPS)
Then let's go.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

This is one of the best
parties I've ever been to.

Yeah. It's pretty cool.

Mike?

What're you doing here?
Me?

Is your grandfather
feeling better
all of a sudden?

Mike, maybe
I should just...

No, one second, Lucy.

I sent your family flowers.

And the next thing I know,

you're flashing
all of Mardi Gras!

Okay! Okay, you're right.
All right, I lied.

I'm sorry.
I just didn't think
you'd understand.

What wouldn't I understand?

It's our senior year.
I mean, all the girls
were coming down here...

It's my last chance
to blow off some steam.

Ah! So that's what
this is about.

Your friends drag
you down here...

You see me flash
a couple of guys,
and now, you're pissed.

So, you kiss this girl
to get back at me.

Come on.
That's not my Mike.

Well, maybe
you don't know
the real Mike.

Oh, yes, I do.

Goodbye, Mike.

Let's go back home,
and everything will go back
to the way it was before.

If we hurry,
we can still catch Idol.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I don't wanna watch Idol.

Okay. Well, we can watch
something else then.

I don't wanna watch
something else.

I don't wanna do
any of that anymore.

I wanna be right here,

at this party.

Because this is me, Erica.

Uh, what are you saying?

It's over.

What're you gonna do?
Run to your little slut?

If I wanted a slut,
I'd stay here with you.

What?

Lucy! Wait.

Look, you don't need
to explain, I get it.

We all have our roles, Mike.

And that's your girlfriend.

Lucy...

I'm just a girl
you've known for 24 hours.

Lucy, I'm sorry, you...

You don't understand.

Have fun at the party?

Where the hell
have you been?

Oh, funny
you should mention that.

Right out here
where you left me.

Thank you so much!

I was worried
I might actually
partake in my own plans.

Well, I'm sorry,
all right?

I got bigger problems
to deal with.

Bigger problems
than leaving your
best friend behind?

Well, my best friend
would have listened to me

when I said I wanted
to go back to school.

Whoa, wow!
Are we really
back on that again?

Look! If you weren't here,
Erica still would've shown
her fun bags,

and you'd still be kissing
the ground that she walks on!

Nothing has changed.

Well, maybe
ignorance is bliss.

You can't possibly
believe that shit!

You know, Mike,
in some messed-up way,

this is the best weekend
of your life,

and you have me
to thank for it.

Oh, well, thank you, Bump.

Thank you for being
the obnoxious
novelty act that you are.

Okay, Mike.
Good luck.

Somewhere in this city,
there are people worthy
of my friendship.

Where the hell is Scottie?

* I pushed up the throttle
in my big red limo

* I like the way
you drop and load it

* What you trying to do?
Show me

* Pump up the jam
What you do, boo, whatever

* If you feel it
you can feel me

* If you're trying
to confide in me, do *

You're my only
friend, beignet.
It's just you and me.

Sorry, we're closed.

Oh, baby.

This is not a good look.
You know, that dress
makes you look fat.

I'm gonna ask you
something, Lame Girl.

Would you say
I'm a novelty act?

Ask me that again.

Oh, I'm sorry,
were you fishing
for sympathy?

(SIGHS)

Okay.

I'm probably gonna
regret asking, but...

What's wrong?

I just try to show everyone
a good time, you know?

Is one awesome weekend
too much to ask?

You know, if you'd been
nicer to me,

I'd be more inclined
to help your cause.

I have been nothing
but nice to you
since the moment we met!

You call me Lame Girl!

Okay.

You, um...

Have nice eyes,
Ann Marie.

Tonight, you're off duty.
I'm in charge.

It's time you saw
the real Mardi Gras.

Put on a clean shirt.

(BAND PLAYING)

See?
Isn't this great?

Yeah. Yeah, it's...
It's great!

Uh, when are we going
back to Mardi Gras?

Bump, this is Mardi Gras!

Look, you see that man
leadin' the band?

He's been doin' this
for almost 40 years!

Mardi Gras is not
Girls Gone Wild.

It's not just
tits and beads.

It's about family,
tradition.

Come on, show me
what you got!

Right. Too soon.

MIKE: Uh, hi.
May I speak with the, uh,
hotel operator, please?

Thank you.

This is Mike Morgan.
I'm inquiring about a guest.

Uh, I was wondering
if you have a Lucy Mills
staying there.

No? (CLEARS THROAT)

All right.
Uh, thank you.

Mills. Mills!

Lucy Mills!

My tone?

You've got a problem
with my tone?

Well, my tone has a problem
with your... Hello?

Hi, this is Lucy Mills.

I'm trying to track down
Mike Morgan.

Thank you.
(PHONE RINGS)

Will you please hold on
a moment?

I am actually...
I'm getting another call.

Hello?
Hello?

Hello? Hello... (LAUGHS)
Hello? Hello.

Hello... (LAUGHS)

I am not the one causing
the problem here, sir.

And frankly,
I don't think
this is any way

for you to conduct
your business.

So, I would like you
to please patch me
into your supervisor.

(GROANING)

Where am I?

Carmen!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Yes!

(SIGHS)

Max, you did it.

(DOOR OPENING)

Good morning, my angel!

(LAUGHS)

It may be a good morning,

but it was a great
evening, sweetie.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I can't believe
you're even awake!

After that performance,

you deserve to sleep
for a week!

Ah! Now...

You've gotta eat
at least some of this.

You need to build
up your strength.
(SCOTTIE GROANS)

Someone was quite
the tiger, hmm?

(GROWLS PLAYFULLY)

I don't remember anything.

Oh, so you don't remember
Security calling

because of all the noise
you were making?

Noise?

Oh! They said
it sounded like
the Fourth of July in here.

I don't...
I'm feeling queasy.

(GAGGING)

Juice?

Max, you're gay?

Ah.

Thank you.
Sir.

Bump, you know,
I didn't...
Me, too.

Okay, let's not do
the whole thing.

I rule, you rule.

You're not an asshole,
I have overcompensation
issues et cetera, et cetera.

Okay.

Rough night?

I was a moron.
And I gotta make
things right with Lucy.

Broad story,
I'd offer to help you out,

but my vagina's
in the shop.

Truffle?
They're really fabulous.

No, thank you.

Mmm!

So I hung out with
this chick last night,

and she's pretty lame,
but I don't know...

There's something
about her.

Do I sense feelings
from Bump?

Let's not go overboard.

I'm definitely capable
of getting a hotter chick.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

she's probably like
a six-and-a-half, maybe
a seven on a good day.

She's a little old,
but I figure she's got
a couple of years

before she hits the wall.

Gonna introduce me?

You are lucky
I even give you
the time of day, fat boy.

Ann Marie.
Charmed.

See that? Kind of lame,
but kind of somethin'.

Scottie!
Where the hell
have you been?

All right. I'm just gonna
get this out in the open.

Max had sex
last night.

Oh, my God!
Congratulations!

This is huge!
That is awesome, man.

With a dude.

Can I help you?

Oh, if only you could.
But my penis just
isn't that into you.

Guys, I know
it's a lot to digest,

and I've given it
a lot of thought,
and it's not all bad.

On the one hand,

I'm gonna have
a clean apartment,

beautiful clothes,
washboard abs,

and I'll finally be able
to admit that I know

every word
on the Wicked soundtrack.

Plus I'll be having
a shitload of sex!

On the downside,
it'll be with guys.

So, you know,
there's that, but whatever,
it's four to one. Right?

That's a pretty big one.

So you're gay!
Whatever, right?

The point is,
you got laid!

Yeah. You got laid.

That's awesome.

Yes! That's really great.

You're gonna pound
so much... Butt.

But just so we're clear,
I'm... I'm not gay.
You know?

You're... You're not?
No, no,
Max is the gay one.

I'm a straight man
living with a gay penis.

I'm Scottie,
by the way.

Baby, you're gay.

Well, guys, I guess
this is Fat Tuesday.

So much for that
Bourbon Street balcony.

Could be worse.
At least we're all
together, right?

A balcony?
Is that all
y'all want?

Come on, fellas.

Come on!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, Tommy.
Band these guys.

What's goin' on?
I have no idea.

Ooh, that's gonna clash.
Do you have it in yellow?

Good evening,
Ann Marie.
Hey, Carl!

Hey, Ann Marie!
Hey, Laura.

Who are you?

How's this?

My dad's the hotel manager.

I get this room
every Mardi Gras.

Are you shitting me!

You know,
you're not entirely lame
after all, Lame Girl.

I was only gonna invite
a few friends over...

Unless you have
a better idea.

Gentlemen...

What do you say
to a little soiree?

* And tonight
I wanna live it up

* So let's live in the moment

* And tonight
I wanna live it up

* Embrace it,
take it and hold it

* And tonight
I wanna live it up

* I've been waiting
all night to own it

* And tonight
I wanna live it up

* And now I finally
found the moment

* I'm chilling
with my whole crew

* Everybody here
and it's long overdue

(CHEERING)

Ah, yeah, baby!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yes!
For you!
MIKE: Wow!

* And I don't live to work
I work to live... *

What the fuck?

All right,
I've had enough.

I'm gonna go
find Ann Marie.

Whoa!
What about your balcony?

Mike! Sometimes the best part
of the party isn't the party.

You know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean.

That doesn't even
make sense!

What's the best part
of the party
if it's not the party?

I don't even know
what you're talking about...
Is this a straight thing?

CARMEN: Scottie!

Carmen?

Get down here,
you silly boy!

Me?

Yeah, get down here now.

Listen...

If I don't make it
back alive,

you tell the world
Scottie Smith got laid.

All right.
Oh, uh...

Maybe leave out the part
about it being with a dude.

Oh! Scottie!

MAN 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

MAN 2: What are you
doin', bro?

(CREAKING)

(ALL GASPING)

Uh, are you okay? I...

Yeah. I'm fine.

Where did you
disappear to?

I was a little uncomfortable.

I think it was his
first three-way.

A three-way?

You were there?

Yeah, silly.

With Jonathan?
Jonathan?

No. Jonathan
has a boyfriend.

(CARMEN LAUGHS)

But isn't he great?

Oh, I'm so glad
you guys had
a chance to talk.

I asked him
to bring you breakfast.

Who...
Who was the third?

Max.

You mean,
you, me, and Max?

You mean...

I'm not...
He's not...

Mike!

Max isn't gay!

Hey, all right, man!

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Max isn't gay!
Max isn't gay!

I had sex with
Carmen Electra!

(CROWD CHEER)

Lucy!

Lucy!

Your friends do know
there's an elevator, right?

Lucy!

Lucy!

Lucy!

Lucy!

Lucy, can you hear me?

Hey! You suck!

Lucy!

Where are you, Lucy?

(MOCKING)
Lucy, where can you be?

Lucy!

MAN: Lucy!

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!

Come on, man!
I'm trying
to find this girl.

CROWD: Lucy! Lucy!

Guys, please, please!
Cut it out.

Her!

Lucy!

What do you want?

You!
CROWD: Aw!

What?

CROWD: He wants you!

What about
your girlfriend?

(CROWD BOOING)

Do you see me hijacking
a parade float to talk to her?

You said last night

that we all have
our roles.

What I didn't know
is that I've been
playing a role

for far too long.

A role that isn't me!

So who are you?

What?

CROWD: Who are you?

I'm the guy
you met yesterday.

The guy who,
who kissed two dudes
with a cherry in his mouth.

The guy who
deep-throated a banana!

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

That's not
what it sounds like.

Mike! We've only known
each other for like...

Thirty nine
and a half hours!

Now, I know
last night was crazy,

and I know things
could've gone better.

But I have never
felt this way before.

And I will do anything
to prove that to you!

Show your tits!

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Show your tits!

Show your tits!

Guys, come on, now. Let's...

Show your tits!
Show your tits!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, fuck it.

(WHOOPING)

JANICE: Cousin Mike!

Yeah!

You've earned these.

Not yet.

I'm gonna have to ask
for these back now.

(WHOOPING)

Will you please stop that?

Get up here
and make me!

* I'm gonna show you mine

* I'm gonna show you
mine, too

* I'm gonna show you mine

* I'm gonna show you mine

* And get a hotel room

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

What happened
to playing it safe?

Safe sucks.

Whoa!

Yeah.

Hi, Mike.

I saw your penis.

That was very upsetting.

Hi. Big fan.

I'm a big fan.

So where're we going
for spring break?

Rio, baby!

All right,
I have been talking
to a bunch of people,

and they all say
the same thing.

They got a Mardi Gras
that's way more,

way more
messed up than this.

Plus, Brazil's doing some
really good things
with vaginas these days.

What, too far?

I'm heading to Cancun.

Cancun? More like
cannot-stop-taking-shits.

You ever drink the water
down there, Carmen?

What about Daytona Beach?

Uh, yeah. Or South Padre.

Guys, guys, guys!

We're coming back
to New Orleans!

The greatest
goddamn city in the world!

To Mardi Gras!

To Mardi Gras.
To Mardi Gras!

ALL: Mardi Gras!

(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

* When the saints
go marching in

* Oh, when the saints
go marching in

* Oh, Lord, I want
to be in that number

* When the saints
go marching in *

It was so good
seeing Cousin Mike.

I know, it was so sweet
of him to come visit.

I wish he could've
stayed longer.

Me, too. It was sad
to see him leave.

You know, this is gonna
sound kind of weird,

but there was one thing
I wanted to do with him.

Do you know
what I'm thinking?

Totally.

BOTH: Apple picking!

(LAUGHING)

That would've been
so great.

I know.

Also, I wish
he would've fucked us.

Big time.

* Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?

What has two thumbs,
a hard-on,

and wants this guy
to get laid?

This guy.

Who has more better odds
in life than me?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, boy.

* It's time to get
the party started

* It don't take much for me
to Mardi Gras, yeah

* And I fly regardless
Hands in the air...

They want these,
they gotta show bush.

They gotta show
a little pussy bush.

Gotta show a little
vag bush.

Vag pussy bush.

(ALL LAUGHING)

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

(STAMMERING)
I thought that...

I didn't get
my line out.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, you got a lot of...
(MUMBLES)

Which fucking floor?

Number two.

* And I'm ready for this

* And I got
a couple of drinks
that I'm ready to mix

* And I'm ready to twist

* You won't find it
better than this...

I wanna make
Mardi Gras my bitch!

Uh...

(GRUNTING)

I know
you lost your mind,
little white boy.

Gonna take you
more than $100.

* Ready for this
Ready for this

* Ready for this

* Ready for this
Ready for this

* Ready for this
Ready for this

* Ready for this
Ready for this

* Ready for this
Ready for this

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

(ALL LAUGHING)

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?

(RETCHING)

No!

Hang on, one more.

(YELLS) No!

She lied and showed all
of New Orleans his tits.

Hey, don't you have a game?
His tits?

(LAUGHS)

Her tits. Jesus Christ.

(YELLS)

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck,
the bow tie
just fell off!

I remember the first time
I got an erection
on the set.

It was tonight, Duane.

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

Join us tomorrow...

Crap.

All of a sudden
the shit scene's
looking good, huh?

* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

BUMP: Coming through.
(GAGGING)

(BELCHING)

* Yo, it's time to get
the party started

* It don't take much for me
to Mardi Gras, yeah

* And I fly regardless

* Hands in the air
Time to get rewarded

* Get to moving your feet

* 'Cause the party around here
I've been waiting all week

* Right around here
is where I'm ready to be

* So, I'm hoping that
they're ready for me

* I'm ready for them

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

The chicks!
They came back!

My grandfather died.