Manifest Destiny Down: Spacetime (2019) - full transcript
Toby, an OCD physics genius, and Kara, a hot coed sorority girl, wake up after a black-out night to discover they missed the evacuation of earth. A mystery man pursues the feuding couple, convinced they hold the key to solving the recently entangled multi-verse.
Happy Halloween,
Happy Halloween.
Postal Service. Who's got mail?
The Postal Service. Don't let them get me.
Bright light. Bright light. Stay out
of the light. Stay out of the light.
Whose clothes is that?
Whose bra? Whose bra?
Sally the salvia plant.
Makes good beer. Makes good beer.
God Particle. God Particle.
Oh, fuck, who's that? Nice butt.
Two minutes. I got to take my meds. I got
to take my meds. I got to take my meds.
I'm out of Xanax. I got to take new Xanax.
Where's my Xanax?
Two minutes till 8:00.
Two minutes till 8:00.
I got to take a pill.
I got to take a pill.
Just a... just a half. I got to take
a pill. I got to take new Xanax.
Take the half. Take the half. Which one?
Which one? Which one do I... take the half.
Who's the girl? Who's the girl?
One minute till 8:00.
Vodka. Vodka. One minute,
one minute till 8:00.
Eight o'clock. Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
What happened last night?
Did I solve the equation?
Nice butt.
Where is everybody?
How long was I out? Ahh!
Okay.
What the?
Ooh!
Whoa!
- Uh...
- We have to go.
What? Why?
Get down!
- Seriously?
- Shh!
- I'm gonna scream if you don't...
- No!
Don't make me scream rape!
- No, please.
- I'm gonna!
I'll let you go,
just don't stand in the window.
What? Why?
I'll tell you in the car.
- You're gonna take me to class?
- There are no more classes.
- Dude, I think you did too much last night...
- We have to go!
- Would you let me up, will you?
- Will you stay out of the light?
Just get off of me!
- We don't have much time.
- Well, I'm still not entirely sure what's going on.
Or where the fuck I am. So if you want to
enlighten me, I'd really appreciate it.
- It's not good.
- What's not good?
- I got the call.
- Ah, why didn't you just say so?
- Well, in that case, we'd really better go, huh?
- Yes, we must.
- Perfect.
- You ready?
No! Holy shit, weirdo! I'm gonna
stand up now. Is that okay?
No!
Why not?
- Don't let them see you.
- Who is out there?
Has there been
another school shooting?
The Postal Service.
- You mean the mailman?
- Not exactly.
- Are you missing some mail?
- We have to go.
Why?
It's our destiny.
Jesus, what's with you, man?
You almost had me!
You almost had me.
- Stay down!
- Ow!
Get off! Ow! Get off me.
- Ah!
- All right, freak. Let's get one thing straight.
You seem to be a relatively confused
person, and I'm all for that usually,
given my own state of being
most of the time.
Hell, I think we naturally probably
had a pretty good time last night
considering how shitty
my head feels right now,
and the increasingly embarrassing
fact that I have no clothes on,
but alas, I am in no mood to
play Twister with you anymore,
and frankly, I need to grab my gear and
need to make it to Psych class in...
Now.
So I'm gonna say this again.
You're gonna let me
leave this room,
and I'm gonna forget
this shit ever happened
and spare you
the humiliation of campus police
coming to bust your little
whatever that is!
Armageddon.
- Huh?
- Emergency survival gear. I packed.
- You packed?
- Yeah.
- For Armageddon?
- To make it to the launch pad.
- Launchpad?
- Yes, in Pasadena. Outside Los Angeles.
And who's outside?
Have you seen
the movie Terminatrix?
The Postal Service.
I really should go. I have an extra
ticket, but if you're not interested...
I need a ticket? To where?
- Can you let go of my balls, please?
- Oh, sorry.
Hey.
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
- Psst! Hey!
- Ha!
You!
- Dude!
- Oh! Ooh!
Dude!
Hey!
Hello?
I think they're here.
- Who?
- I don't know, the mail guy?
I knew they'd come.
I really have to go now.
You can't leave me here.
- Why not?
- Because.
- Because why?
- Because...
I'm pregnant.
Ah, shit!
Really?
Yeah. Fuck!
Grab what you can.
Suunnee's out back! Let's go!
This is Suunnee.
- This is your car?
- Yeah, it's my baby. Why? What's wrong?
- Are you okay?
- Am I okay? Are you okay?
- First, how about a little help here?
- Oops, sorry.
Oh! Ouch.
Take off those goddamn
bug-eyed goggles.
Are you honestly making me carry
around a sex doll in an icebox?
Careful. It's
a floatation device.
Floatation? Seems awfully anatomically
correct for a pool floaty.
What are we,
going on vacation here?
I don't know
if you're gonna understand.
- Try me.
- Okay, if the universe we're in, we're just one dimension.
Based on my probability
calculations of the multiverse,
there's an 18.46% chance we're
gonna need this blood transfusion.
And in an outcome, 14.75% chance
we might need the hot babe floaty,
12.5%, the solar cells.
Whoa whoa whoa,
slow down there, Einstein.
I can barely understand
a word you're saying.
- Multi what?
- Multiverse.
- Multi hearse?
- Multiverse.
- Purse?
- Verse. Multiple universe.
Look, man, I don't even remember
having sex with you last night,
but I can assure you
it's not gonna happen again.
Let alone multi-whatever-
you're-thinking.
Multiverse. Quantum mechanics.
- Wait, what major are you?
- Theoretical Physics.
- What major are you?
- General Studies.
What's that?
It's a combination
of psychology, art, and music.
That's fantastic.
Look, brain queef, why are
we bringing a surfboard
and do-it-yourself floatation
doll to some launch pad?
Should I grab
my bikini and guitar?
And where the fuck
is everybody, anyway?
Look, Ms. General Studies,
you clearly won't get this.
- Educate me.
- Okay.
Have you ever
heard of entanglement?
You mean what I can't
remember what we did last night?
Not that entanglement.
Spooky Action at a Distance.
Jesus, man! It doesn't
matter if I'm near or far.
- It's not happening again!
- Not necessarily.
Time is an illusion.
As far as we know it, it's never
actually not happening.
Let me take it
from the top. All right.
The first discoveries
of quantum physics
were that the observation
itself creates changes
in the outcome of the event,
but the future affects the past.
Then Spooky Action at a Distance
Theory was conceived of in the 1930s,
and it wasn't
until 30 years later
that Freedman and Clauser's pioneering
experiments proved particles entangle.
Almost like mirror
each other and therein,
can relate like two rolling dice
that always land on the same numbers.
Even across space-time
at inconceivable distances.
This is what makes
teleportation possible,
which I wrote
my freshman thesis on.
See, we can literally jump dimensions
if we deal with it on a quantum level,
particle by particle.
Almost like stepping
through a wormhole.
Boom, boom.
Here - there, instantaneously.
Same place, same time, even.
Boom, boom.
So.
If we can get to the launch pad by
November 11th, at 11/11, 11:00 a.m.
we can get off this Earth.
We can meet my family
at International Space Station.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa, Thomas Edison.
November 11th?
That's, like, in two weeks.
Yeah. In this dream I had,
my counselor told me there are
many ways this could play out.
In one,
I was told to bring this.
In another, we might need this.
- In another, we might need this.
- Told by who, McGillicutty?
The counselor.
Oh, good.
That's a little better.
I was hoping we wouldn't go too far
without talking to a specialist.
Good.
Where is this counselor?
You see yours when you're
meant to see yours.
I'd like to see a counselor right now.
Right fucking now.
You should've
kept your pants on, Kara.
You should've kept
your god damn pants on!
Sister Mary had it right.
Maybe complete abstinence is
better than perfect moderation.
Maybe this is the lesson
I'm finally meant to learn.
Whatever.
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Where the fuck is Bernie?
- Who?
- Bernie, my purse.
I had him when we left, and then you
made me carry all this stupid shit,
and the strap probably broke.
- Blame it on me now...
- Fucking...
Wow, what the fuck was that?
Sounded like
a gravitational ripple.
- Cool.
- A what?-?
Two black holes
collided 4 billion years ago.
- I was expecting that last week.
- But it came from over there.
- No, it didn't.
- Yes, it did.
- Not necessarily.
- Oh, whatever.
I'll be right back.
Just remember,
if you go around that corner,
we may not be in the same
dimension anymore.
Well, I got to get Bernie.
There you are.
Agent 1, they are out of the room.
You are clear to proceed.
Hey.
- Huh?
- Do you need some help?
Oh, yeah, sure, thanks, man.
I figure we need
to get some food.
I don't know about you,
but I'm starving.
Yeah, I could
really go for some food.
- What are you in the mood for?
- Uh, anything healthy.
Me too. I'm on this diet.
I'm at 8.2% body fat,
and I have to go below 5% to
match Brad Pitt in Fight Club.
- Well, why is that, exactly?
- I'm shooting a music video.
- You... you're a musician?
- Oh, yeah.
- What kind of music?
- I'm a rapper.
Music is the common language
of vibration energy.
It bonds us.
It transcends us into
higher versions of ourselves.
Creativity itself, quite literally
is the intersection of dimensions.
We're gonna need it
where we're going!
- Oh, I got that.
- Okay, take it easy.
- Okay, you just need to be careful.
- Just trying to be helpful.
Thank you. Get in.
I'll take care of Tank.
Okay.
Uh... What the fuck is this?
It's a mini fridge.
- What for?
- Drinks.
- For when you drive?
- Oh, God, no. I don't drink and drive.
- So this is for guests?
- Of course.
I figure if I'm gonna drive,
I'm gonna have style.
I always wanted
a muscle car. Ready?
Salvia was a secret plant.
They were hiding it for a real long time.
- Who was?
- The government and the tribes.
It's known as Sage of the Diviners.
Ska Maria Pastora.
Seared sage is believed to be an
incarnation of the Virgin Mary.
Mazatec shamans
use it for religious purposes.
Its natural habitat
is in the cloud force
in the isolated Sierra Mazateca
of Oaxaca, Mexico,
but it's really believed
to be brought to the planet...
not to have,
like, originated here.
- Why?
- Because its reproductive system is so different.
It's very hard to figure out.
It's, like, it was
just one plant found,
like it was
a four-dimensional... accident
that just slipped out
or crashed on some asteroid.
Either way,
I think it caused my DR.
- Your what?
- Derealization.
- What's that?
- It's like being stoned all the time.
I'm very sensitive to light.
I have panic attacks.
It could be
neurological or psychological.
How many times did you do it?
Salvia? Three or four times.
- Wow.
- You lose a thousand years in your mind.
There's no time limit.
That's the problem.
Just like it should be
in fourth dimension. All is one.
Gravitational force
is tearing you apart.
Eventually, it takes, like,
15 minutes to get back to your reality.
And it was so crazy.
I took another dose right away.
I needed to figure it out,
so I took 120 extract.
- People usually do five.
- Oh, whoa!
The spirit
of Salvia is always a woman,
and I experienced a cube
in a cube in a cube situation.
I get pushed away
from the future.
You think that you can never come
back, that you're stuck.
You also become objects,
like a person's shoe
or something quantizable.
Agent 1,
terminate search. Pursue the target.
Sending new coordinates now.
And then... I was
there, at the source.
All was one.
Singularity...
Until I started sweeping back.
When you come back,
you come back part by part.
You feel an insane pull of something
else different at the top of your head.
Like a connection to the Cosmo,
and you have no idea what's going on.
Because when you're on it,
you have no idea.
You don't remember
you smoking it.
Eventually, it takes, like,
15 minutes to get back to yourself.
And everyone goes to the same
place when you're on salvia.
Everyone sees the same stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Everyone who does it describes
the same kind of thing.
The woman. The cubes.
No way.
Yeah. I almost wish I never
smoked it in my entire life.
Yet, I cannot name anything that
has been as profound as that.
Where'd you get it?
The deep web. The vinyl highway.
Once you smoke it...
the doors open.
It's not like LSD. Once you have
it, you can never take it back.
The door cannot be shut.
- No ticket back?
- No round-trip ticket.
No round-trip ticket?
And do not operate mechanical
machinery while on it.
You have to have a sitter.
You can't do it by yourself.
Perceptions are gone.
You're not seeing anything.
Excessive laughter and crying.
Both at the same time.
- Drooling.
- Drooling?
Ick.
Ah, dude? We have to go.
Woah!
Man, don't worry. I'm a perfect driver.
I never had a speeding ticket.
Ah, damn it.
What's wrong?
I forgot something.
What? What are you doing?
It's fine. It will
take me a second.
You're literally out of your mind.
The mail guy is there.
- No, no, it's fine.
- No, no, it's not fine!
- Holy shit!
- What?
- That's... Him!
- What?
- Gun it!
- I can't do that. It would be very dangerous.
Gun. It.
Don't you see?
- Don't you see?
- See what?
Oh.
- What the fuck, man?
- What the fuck?
What the fuck? What the fuck?
What the fuck was that?
Jesus. You almost shot
us through space-time.
Are you insane?
You're insane. He's insane.
Or maybe he's on salvia.
Or maybe I'm on salvia.
Did you give me salvia?
Everybody needs
to calm the fuck down.
He's coming. He's coming.
He is on his way here.
Everything's fine. I have no idea
what you're freaking out about.
What I'm freaking out about?
Your little head got me into this mess.
Your big head better get me out!
Okay. Fine. Forget about it.
I don't need to get it anyway.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God! Jesus...
I know.
I know it's been a while.
Don't be mad. Like, a long time.
- What? We're fine.
- Do not tell me we are fine!
I don't know why you're so worked up.
I mean, it's not that big a deal.
What in the Holy Grail
are you talking about?
Did you not see him?
- See who?
- Your mail dude. Whatever.
- You mean you saw the Postal Service?
- Yes!
- You saw the Postal Service?
- Yeah, I saw the guy.
What did he look like?
He looked like... like a guy.
- That's good. Very general.
- He's like an agent guy!
- Like an agent?
- Yeah, you know?
- Like, with that look.
- That look like...?
- The Terminatrix look.
- Wow.
- Fuck wow!
- Interesting.
Interesting? Aren't you
trying to avoid them?
Like, for Armageddon reasons?
- No.
- No?
Do you mind if I smoke?
- No.
- Great.
No, yes,
I mind if you fucking smoke!
No? No?
- You're not trying to run from the agent guy?
- No. Why would I do that?
Correct me
if I'm wrong here, Einstein.
Does the sexy guy
in the cool glasses
have anything to do with our
mission to get across the county?
- Probably.
- And what exactly is his probable role in this equation?
I don't know. He probably has a high
probability of being your counselor.
Oh, my counselor?
Why is he my counselor?
I don't know.
You saw him. I didn't.
Which makes me
to believe that like I said,
what reality you're living in is
yours, and what I'm in is mine.
Has anyone ever told you that you're
not exactly right in the head?
Singularity is within, man.
- The sooner you...
- You let me out of this fucking car!
- Whoa!
- Let me out!
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Let me out! Let me out!
Like, like... oh! Oh! Like...
I just... I just need to... I...
- Get off of me!
- Ah, okay, okay, okay!
This is, like...
This is, like, it?
I mean, is he my punishment?
'Cause I didn't
treat Mom and Dad with respect?
Dad was always an asshole, and Mom,
she just did it for the money, right?
I didn't want to find
their smutty videos
in the VCR player
Christmas morning!
I didn't ask to be stuck between
their fucked up battles of infidelity
and I needed glasses
way before 8th grade!
You want me to repent?
Am I supposed to confess?
How?
There's nobody left
to confess to!
And even if there was, I mean, it's
not my fault I was made this way, God!
They put me in Catholic School,
which if you haven't been paying
attention, is fucked up!
You think I wanted to have my virginity
taken by a dirty priest at 15?
I didn't taunt him.
They made us wear these
little skirts and knee socks.
Sick, twisted fucks.
- It's a good look.
- Shut up!
Sure, there's a little
part of me that liked it.
But isn't that what you do?
You put us in these
shitty situations...
that we have to
fucking deal with?
That are impossible to begin with,
and then you give us the choice?
Do good or evil.
Well, let me say this again:
Go fuck yourself!
Fuck yourself!
I've had just about enough
of the cards I've been dealt,
and now you give me this guy?
No disrespect.
You don't look like Satan.
I figured he'd be a little bit
sexier than you!
But that's the joke, right?
It's like tailored to me.
It's so specific.
I get it. This is Hell.
You can tell me.
This is it, isn't it?
Well, I can't
tell you that for sure,
but I'd rather not get into
religion with you right now, okay?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Let's not talk about God.
Let's not talk about God.
- What are we going to do?
- Yeah, good, okay.
What we're gonna do is,
we're gonna get back into Suunnee,
- and we're gonna drive.
- Oh, we're gonna drive?
Where are we gonna drive?
To Pasadena?
- Yeah.
- If we're gonna drive, then I want...
I want... I want my guitar.
If I am gonna have to do this with
you, I need my guitar.
Oh, sure.
We need your guitar.
I didn't know you played guitar.
Yeah, I do.
- I'm a singer/songwriter.
- You're a singer/songwriter?
- I am.
- Like, uh, Taylor Swift?
No, not like Taylor Swift.
Not like bad Taylor Swift. Why?
What's wrong with Taylor Swift?
It's nothing, nothing. It's nothing personal.
It's just, uh, not my thing, that's all.
You know, just don't.
Just get back in the car.
- Okay, well...
- Get back in the car!
- Just get back in the goddamn car and just let me...
- What'd I say?
- What'd you say?
- What'd I say?
- What'd I say?
- What'd you say? What'd you say? Amazing!
Just kill it!
- What the fuck is that sound?
- The bowling ball.
- You mean my brain.
- I'm sorry, man.
The first few times I tried to
wrap my head around quantum theory,
it's, like, crazy, man.
They say if you think
you understand it, you don't.
And I was just
trying to make small talk.
So give this to me again. Do you or
do you not see the car following us?
- I'm sorry.
- You don't?
It's true. Unless I'm tripping,
or maybe you are.
If that's the case, it'd be
a good time to share it.
Okay, so I'm
officially losing it.
No, I tried
to explain this to you.
I'm gonna listen
again. I'm gonna listen.
Go ahead.
So like I said, it's got nothing
to do with me or my reality.
Ah, yes, multiverse.
- So who are you running from?
- Nobody.
But you said to go and to stay
out of the light and the mailman.
The Postal Service?
Yeah, he needs to be avoided.
I hate getting bills.
Bills? Like, credit card bills?
No, last time I got the mail,
I got a recall notice on my car,
and I can't give Suunnee up.
I mean, I'm just trying to get
to the launch pad on time.
Will you stay out of the light?
Don't let them see you.
Launchpad.
Emergency survival
gear. I packed.
It could be
neurological or psychological.
And meet my family,
and you're pregnant,
and I'm not leaving my baby mama and
future offspring on the dying Earth.
I am not
fucking pregnant, you dip!
- You lied to me?
- Lied to you? Yes!
You lied to me. That's, like...
The worst thing you can do.
Are you out of your mind?
It's okay. This is good news.
I'm on the pill
for just this reason.
Good news?
Yeah.
Though, it does cause
some erratic mood swings.
I might change the prescription.
I thought I
was going to be a dad.
Uh, oh, man.
Well, I'm sorry.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
Oh.
I, uh...
I...
I just said that so you'd
take me with you.
All you had to do was ask.
I got to take my meds. I
got to take my meds. I got to take a half.
I got to take my meds. I got to
take my meds. I got to take a half.
No, I got to take a whole pill. I got
to take my meds. I got to take my meds.
- So can I still use that ticket?
- Yeah, not that important.
So I don't need a ticket?
Not that paper ticket, anyway.
Besides, I have most important
trip tickets in the fridge.
Let me ask you something.
Shoot.
You don't see
that guy right there?
Interesting.
- You do?
- I do.
Ha!
- Holy shit!
- Ah-ha!
Fuck!
- I think I get it! I think I get it!
- What? What the fuck do you get?
- It makes sense.
- None of this makes any sense.
- Oh, it makes perfect sense.
- Tell me, Einstein.
- Tell me what you have on this!
- That's exactly right.
Einstein couldn't get it,
but I think I did.
- What are you fucking talking about?
- Multiverse.
Quantum Mechanics
versus Relativity.
Shut up and say something
that makes sense!
Okay, listen,
this is what you got to know.
About a hundred years ago, Einstein
turned everything in physics on its ass
with his theory of relativity.
And that had to do with time and space,
kind of being the same thing.
Space-time! Space-time!
Meanwhile, there were
these other physicists
dealing with probability and working
at completely different math.
Like, radically different,
and logic as you know it
was just thrown out the window.
So much that Einstein himself
was plagued by the entire notion.
Anguished by how two
diametrically opposed theories
about how the world
works could coexist.
Quantum, the world of the
small and our everyday reality.
Us, planets, etcetera.
Gravity and space
and all that theorizing
led us to this strange,
troubling problem that exists today.
The laws of the small do not
connect up to the laws of the large.
And the small, the quantum theory,
has never, ever, been proven wrong.
So where does that leave us?
The mysterious Linchpin
of the whole Standard Model!
The standard particle itself
was just discovered,
which brings us to super
symmetry versus the multiverse.
- Oh, here we go again!
- No, quite the opposite.
On one side is
the multiverse concept.
The Google the possible probable
outcomes of every little energy molecule.
The Google of yous
and versions of your life,
theoretically live in totally
different realities.
Just the idea of self makes life
feel completely random and pointless.
Then, and here's
where it gets interesting.
It's already interesting enough!
On the other side,
with super symmetry,
everything is in this almost
improbable inconceivable harmony.
A miracle of specificity.
A truly enlightening equilibrium
that only leads us to think
that the universe must be a
product of intelligent design: God!
- There is a god?
- That's hard to say.
Some people call the Higgs
boson particle God, yes.
- So I am in Hell?
- Uh, maybe, but it's okay.
- I think I solved it.
- You solved it?
- The connection.
- Between what?
The quantum
and classical theories.
- You did?
- I did.
At least... I think I did.
I was wasted.
Using the new Higgs boson weight
to finish my senior equation.
And then I stood up and went
to the bathroom to take a dump.
Then, it hit me.
- It hit you?
- Yeah.
- On the toilet?
- Yes.
What Einstein couldn't figure
out, you did while taking a dump?
Is that a periscope?
- Kind of.
- Did you make it yourself?
Yeah, how'd you guess?
You got a little, uh...
Mm.
Anyway, when I was
on the toilet,
I remember feeling
this giant wave of energy
just rush through me
like a moment of uniformity.
I was everywhere in the same
place, like, the same time.
The whole universe
and I were one.
I took a deep breath,
and then... and then imploded.
You imploded with the universe?
Yeah, like I had sex with her.
You had sex with the universe?
Yeah, see, the crazy thing is,
all we know only makes 5% of the
entire value of the universe.
Now, with the Higgs weight,
I can solve my senior equation,
which all comes down
to dark matter.
- Is that, like, Darth Vader?
- Kind of.
And it's negative. Dark energy.
- Is that like the force?
- Yes! We don't know what they are.
The Higgs and weight of the God
Particle was the missing clue.
Now, I'm using it
to calculate the probability
of the Big Crunch
or the Big Rip.
Is that like gas?
It's how the universe ends.
It's either a squish or a poof,
and I wrote it down and then...
Huh? I must've been right!
Why?
Because my calculation was an
observation that changed the outcome.
Now, instead of being
in the center of the equilibrium
between super symmetry
and the multiverse...
The worst possible
thing has happened.
The multiverse itself
is entangled!
The multiverse has entangled.
Nice.
Now, all I have to do
is figure out what he wants.
Well, maybe we should
just ask him.
- Huh.
- I mean, why are you driving away from him, exactly?
I don't know. It just seemed
like the right thing to do.
I agree. I agree, it did seem like
the right thing to do at the time...
but now
that it's this space-time,
maybe we should reconsider.
What are you thinking about?
I don't know.
What are you thinking about?
I don't know.
I'm just so confused.
It's okay.
You're a General Studies major.
You guys don't know
anything about everything.
Fuck you, multi whatever!
Get us the fuck out
of this dimension!
No need to be ashamed.
Your brain picked the major it could
handle at its fullest capacity.
Everyone has their own paths.
Some are farmers, they're happy.
- Holy shit, he's back!
- He's back?
There's just no getting rid of this guy.
Who the fuck is he?
- Well, let's ask him.
- Sure,
let's get this over with,
for God's sakes.
Hey!
Can we help you?
What do you want from us?
Oh, fuck!
Fine, you can have him.
- Oh, fuck no!
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, no! Hell no!
- What's he gonna do to you?
Rape your brain?
- Probably!
- And is that a bad thing?
It sounds a lot better than what
we're currently going through here!
What do you want with me?
He wants your head!
- He's not getting my head.
- Why not?
'Cause it's my head, not yours!
Okay, okay.
What do you need
his head for?
To solve the problem.
He speaks.
See?
See? It wasn't so bad.
Shit.
What?
What, shit?
What's wrong?
You solved it already, right?
We just need to give it to him.
I can't.
What? Why? Why can't you?
- It's gone.
- What do you mean, it's gone?
- I threw it away.
- No, I thought you had some blowjob with the universe.
Where did it go?
I... I wrote it.
Yeah?
I...
Oh, no. Oh, no!
You didn't?
I did.
- You didn't do that.
- Yeah.
You wiped your ass with the answer to the
greatest question in the human history.
I did do that.
Jesus Christ, man! No wonder
everything's gone to hell
in a hand basket.
God's fucking pissed.
I think so. I had no idea!
- You had no idea?
- I had no idea!
All you had to do was ask.
- Oh, my God, he's got a gun!
- No!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- What are you doing?
- You can't escape him. He's everywhere.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- Maybe he's our counselor.
I mean, he is like God.
- I really think he's God.
- God doesn't need me to solve the world's problems.
He already solved his by creating
this universe and not being in it.
He just gets to observe.
- Whatever, just drive.
- Okay, okay.
Hey, that actually makes sense.
Did God abandon me
or did I abandon him?
Life is some, like, rigged
metaphysical SAT test
with unfair questions.
I failed.
I mean, I won
the genetic lottery, man.
My parents love me
in their own way.
I didn't go hungry
or long for anything.
I was actually pretty spoiled,
to tell you the truth.
They weren't Catholic, but they
sent me to Catholic School
so I could get a good education.
And what happened?
I hated it.
I hated them... and God.
I mean, I didn't see any proof.
I saw the opposite.
Dirty men looking up skirts.
Sex Ed was about how to abstain,
not science.
Fucking hypocrites!
But...
if there really is a god...
then his particle, it's, like,
the bonus question for mankind,
and your revelation from him...
is a gift from him.
To flush that shit down
the toilet?
You might as well have just
flipped God the bird.
It's, like,
Noah and the Arc now.
He's just rebooting mankind.
Think, Toby, think.
Yeah, think!
Think. Take your time.
Take your... wait for it!
Space-time!
- I crack myself up.
- Glad you're so amused.
God works
in mysterious ways, man.
Where is this counselor?
You'll see yours...
when you're meant to see yours.
Do you remember how we met?
I have no idea who you are
or where you came from.
The last thing I remember
is Halloween
and doing shots at the Bluewhale
for their Bottomless
Tuesday Costume Game Night.
So that's not what you
wear all the time?
Is that what you wear
all the time?
Don't answer that.
- It's only Saturday.
- That's entirely possible.
I could've OD'd. For all
you know, I could be an angel.
Absolutely not.
Or a fantasy
of your OCD imagination.
Unlikely. I have OCD,
not schizophrenia.
Makes it hard
to have friends, honestly.
Hey, let's make a calendar
of everything
that's happened so far.
Write it out, would you?
Everything in physics for the last
hundred years was coming down to Tuesday.
The biggest experiment in human history.
The CERN particle collider
announced the weight of the missing clue
to the Standard Model of quantum mechanics,
the Higgs boson.
The God Particle itself.
That night, physicists
around the world learned
what could be the bridge
between classical physics,
Einstein, and quantum mechanics.
It meant I could finish
my senior thesis,
"The Theory of Everything."
It was right there
at the worst spot: 125.09
plus minus 0.24GeV/c2
and I thought that weight could
leave every answer still in question.
I started
the equation right away.
Worked straight through.
And I could hear people
starting to party for Halloween.
I couldn't get invited
anywhere, so...
I remember I broke open the skull
vodka my dad shipped me from home
and kept on working.
- Skull vodka?
- Yeah, my dad's a physicist too,
he knew that the announcement could
mean that I could solve the equation.
- I opened it early.
- I would have too.
Really?
Anyway, I kept drinking shots.
Blacked out.
Next thing I remember, there's
someone breaking into my room,
and it's a hot girl.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
It's never happened for me.
- What? You mean you're a...
- You don't have to say it.
Are you trying to tell me
that I took your virginity?
Maybe. I don't remember, anyway.
It doesn't matter.
We're making out, and I realized
I still have to go number two,
and, you know, I...
It was there on the toilet.
And it was seeing your face...
like an angel, and the event
horizon was in your eyes,
and singularity
came up within me.
And I was just fucked
by enlightenment.
I finished, and I wrote it down.
And ran out of toilet paper
and I had to wipe,
so, um...
and I flushed. There was
just this big bang suck...
but it went down the toilet,
and it spiraled and swirled.
My observational shit
changed the outcome.
The future affects the past.
I must've opened portals
all over the place!
Toilet wormholes everywhere!
New rules of physics.
If you go around that corner,
we may not be
in the same dimension anymore.
Halloween was the end
of the world as we know it.
Total chaos. Mass hysteria.
Apocalypse.
Dogs and cats living together.
Everyone stepping
in and out of dimensions.
Every door, every turn
could be a dimension.
Society completely collapsed!
Do you have anything to eat?
Of course.
Check the mini fridge.
Okay, so what you're trying
to tell me is that you
solving that stupid
equation entangled
the multiverse?
Ah, salvia! That's why they
delivered all that beer.
- Beer? I like beer.
- They evacuated the planet.
I still don't get
who evacuated the planet.
Of course. Who else?
I mean, evacuated.
It's a strong word.
Everyone just got uploaded.
- Uploaded?
- To the cloud.
The cloud? You mean the sky?
Yeah, the sky.
By God?
He's an agent.
I told you he was God.
He's with AmasNoogle.
Oh, I like AmasNoogle!
I get my shoes on there
and my makeup and my movies
- and my homework.
- I mean, it's pretty simple.
So simple. You just click, and
a purse is there the next day.
It's so fast, so cheap.
Shit.
AmasNoogle tricked me.
They sent an agent to get
my equation
because it's the bridge.
The bridge to their global cyber
consciousness.
AI and to protect the world
from total collapse,
AmasNoogle probably saved everyone
to the cloud big data style until...
- Until what?
- Until AmasNoogle can figure out
what the fuck to do to protect
its revenue, obviously.
- How do they solve it?
- They can't,
not without imploding
the bridge in the code,
which is my equation.
AmasNoogle isn't a person.
It's just a computer now.
And only life and blood
can experience
transcendent enlightenment.
Only we know
what spiritual truth is.
The disconnect is between their
digital consciousness algorithm
and my organic moment
of enlightenment.
So what do we have to do?
What we have to do is undo
the damage of my flush.
Upload the equation,
fill the gap in information,
and voilà.
- The equation you wiped your ass with?
- Yeah.
Awesome.
Are we still going
to the launch pad?
No, there's nobody there.
It's okay. I just have to think.
Uh, what you doing?
It just helps me think.
- That little skateboard?
- Fingerboard.
They say it's good
for scientists
and businesspeople
to calm the nerves.
Mkay.
Um... I really hate
to be a bother here
but is that really necessary?
Yeah.
Okay, just checking.
- He's still following us.
- I think he's waiting for me to solve the equation again.
Uh... Do you have a plan?
Um...
Okay, 'cause you did say
at one point
that you had a plan...
Yeah, - ...for everything.
I... I'm formulating.
There's... there've been a lot
- of interesting developments.
- Yes, surely.
I mean,
I don't mean to be tacky,
but we are, you know,
the last people on the planet,
so there's that!
Holy shit!
- Holy shit, what?
- You are a genius!
- What'd I do?
- I mean, I am after realizing
the value of what you just said.
You're a genius? You're special.
You said
you don't want to be tacky,
but we're the last people
on the planet, so...
Look, I am in no way shape or
form having sex with you again.
Not in this lifetime.
Not in this reality.
Not in your reality or in his or in any of
those other fucking mes and yous out there
thinking
about probabilistic bullshit.
No, tachyons.
The hypothetical particles
that travel faster
than the speed of light,
which nothing
technically can do.
I am once in my life
not thinking about sex.
It might have happened in the
past, but it's not happening again.
- Mm, yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
I mean it really is if I can
get us to that dimension.
- No, it's not.
- You're not getting it.
- We have to go back.
- What?
We have to go back.
Go back where?
Go back... go back in...
- In what?
- Space-time!
And how, pray tell,
do you expect us to do that?
Simple. Tachyons exist in a dimension
on the other side of the speed of light
at such a high energy level
that they can travel backwards
through time.
So, hypothetically,
we just need enough energy
to step through a wormhole
without being ripped apart
by gravitational forces.
Gah, for God's sakes!
Are you trying to tell me
Suunnee's a time machine?
- Not a time machine.
- Not a time machine?
Not a time machine
but a space-time sling.
Yes, exactly,
'cause I was really hoping
you weren't taking me back
to the past in a DeLorean.
I'd rather a souped-up
muscle car that currently
has a mini fridge
jammed up at my vajayjay,
a sex floaty, and a surfboard...
on the roof!
You know,
I'm trying to solve this here...
and you're being antagonistic.
Can you grab us a few drinks out
of the fridge, please?
No, no, no, not those. Those.
I made those myself.
I'm just trying
to live in reality.
- Ah, there's your problem.
- I give up. Bring the agent
back, please.
Can I go ride with him?
- Technically, no.
- Why not?
Because he's straddling
the organic in digital system.
If he wants it to be solved,
he's gonna have me do it
in my organic space.
In my loaf of bread.
You see now that
these dimensions overlap.
Only we are still in line
within my super symmetry dump,
and if he does anything
to us now,
he may alter the potential to
undo what's been done then there.
Is that a turtle?
This is Tank,
my California desert tortoise.
He's currently 85 years old.
He's been hibernating, so
he's gonna be a little groggy.
No food, no water for months.
He hasn't gone to the bathroom
since first semester.
I rescued him when they developed
the desert with wind turbines.
See, with everything,
there's a plus and a minus.
There's no living organism
more adept at storing energy,
and we're gonna need
a lot of it.
Physics, my dear friend,
is about interlocking forces.
Dark energy has dark matter.
Suunnee has Tank.
We can use opposing forces.
Nature and machine
to slingshot us
through space-time.
- You're feeling better.
- Yes.
Me too. This makes sense.
So what's next?
Hello, Tank.
- We go back.
- Yes.
Let's... wait,
I'm so sorry. I missed that.
- How do we do that again?
- Like this.
Aah.
Whoa! Dude,
you're freaking me out.
Oh, dude, don't do this.
Don't freak me out anymore.
I swear, I'll go back to church.
No, no, it's okay.
Just close your eyes too
and drink your beer.
We have to do it together
to achieve our super symmetry.
No, you're fucking nuts, man!
I'm not gonna close
my goddamn eyes
while we're driving 60 miles
an hour down the highway
with a turtle
on the dashboard in reverse!
Tank is a tortoise.
Huge difference.
Turtle, tortoise.
I'm not doing it.
Fine, stay here.
Break the universe.
- No big deal.
- Oh, don't! Don't you dare
mind fuck my Catholic guilt!
No, actually, we need you
to just clear your mind
and channel my moment
of enlightenment and let go.
- Oh... shit!
- Keep them closed. It's beginning to happen.
Oh... shit!
Just keep them closed!
No matter what happens!
Keep them closed.
Oh, fuck.
Closed.
- Oh!
- Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
- Hello?
- Yes?
- Damn it.
- What's wrong?
I thought you'd be gone.
- So what happened?
- Singularity.
Yeah, but where are we?
The question
is not where but when, where?
Dude,
I'm seriously not in the mood
- for this shit anymore.
- Just give it a second.
- I'm just almost done.
- What? With what?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- What the fuck? Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus!
- I know, I'm sorry.
Are you kidding me right now?
I just can't!
It was the only way.
I just don't know why
this is happening to me.
This is when it happened.
Are you sure?
I don't feel any,
like, universe-gasm
crawling up in this...
this shit, literally.
I just need you to stop,
for a little bit.
Let me do this. I was dreaming,
and I was thinking,
and... it hit me.
And I wrote on the toilet paper.
Because people do that.
They keep pens in the bathroom
and solve quadratic equations
while sitting on the throne.
Bathrooms are considered sacred
by the Greek philosophers
and used for deep connections
with one's brain.
While relaxing for hours
are my best thinking on the pot.
Well, let me not stop
Mother Nature.
Yeah, let's give it
an old faith, shall we?
Oh, I want to have faith!
For the first time
in my goddamn life,
I can honestly say that...
Wait, what are you doing?
- I'm writing.
- You're what?
- I rap.
- You're rapping now?
Yeah, I'm writing. I'm feeling lit.
Freestyle. It helps me think.
- You're feeling it?
- Yeah. It's coming.
What is?
No, no! No, it's not working.
No...
Oh. Oh, my God.
No, no, no!
Creativity itself is
an intersection of dimensions.
- Did you get it?
- I got it. I got it!
Write it down, quickly!
I got it. Just give me a minute.
Take all the time you need.
Just don't use it to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, I know.
- Is that it? Oh.
- That's it.
Oh, God, I love it. Oh!
Let's not talk
about God right now.
Sure, whatever you want,
big boy. Whatever you want.
You're my big boy, aren't you?
- Oh, yeah.
- I am? Really?
No. I mean yes.
Just stay focused. Just write.
Okay, okay, sure. Uh-oh. Oh.
- Are you... you okay?
- Uh, oh, no.
- You still got it?
- Oh, God.
- No.
- Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
- No! No! No! No! No! No!
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, God, oh, God,
- oh, God! Fucking God!
Oh, gee, ah! It's gone.
I shouldn't have this on.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Where is this counselor?
You see yours
when you're meant to see yours.
It's believed to be an
incarnation of the Virgin Mary.
I mean, it's not my fault!
I was made this way, God!
Did God abandon me?
Or did I abandon him?
Salvia.
Time is an illusion. Mazatec shamans
use it for religious purposes.
You came through
the wormhole with me.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day
our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who have
trespassed against us.
And lead us not into temptation...
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom
and the power...
And the glory!
Now and forever and ever!
It's back! It's good.
I got it. Yeah.
Holy shit. It worked.
I get it.
And you're the proof,
and that toilet paper
is like the Shroud of Turin.
Wait, if that makes you, like,
the Messiah,
then does that make me...
Wow. Fuck!
You know, and they say she
wasn't a virgin at all, either.
I'm sorry. It's just my penis.
You know, when I have to think,
I have to think with both heads,
and what you said
distracted me with your...
Wait, no, wait.
Just you don't, don't, don't.
- Just stay focused and write.
- Okay, okay, yeah, yeah.
Hey.
- He's back.
- He is?
Yeah, he's here. He's just waiting.
You know, for the equation.
I just thought
I should let you know.
- Stay focused.
- Okay, I know.
He's good. He's got it.
Nothing to worry about.
Looks like
it's all gonna be okay.
Do I know you?
You remind me of somebody.
Oh, shit.
Yep, that's it.
I mean,
I had such a thing for him.
He was my 9th grade
New Testament teacher.
Father Daniel.
He'd read psalms about our sins,
and then he'd tell me
to stay after class...
in my uniform.
I would just get so...
You know, if I were in another
dimension right now, I...
This is it!
- This is it?
- Yep.
- I'm so glad that all worked out.
- Me too.
- What a ride.
- Well?
So we just give this
to you now, right?
Is this the answer you're
looking for, headmaster?
Wait, did I miss something?
Huh? No. No, nothing.
- Why?
- You're, like, flirting with him.
- No.
- Are you into him?
What? No!
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No!
- Uh-huh. Yes.
- No!
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- I'm really not. No, I'm not.
- No, you're wrong.
- Yes!
No.
Yes.
No.
- Yep.
- No!
- Uh-huh.
- No!
- Yes!
- No!
- Yep!
- No!
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, maybe. Why?
Really? Why?
'Cause we just...
We just, what?
We just we're, like...
What?
I mean, you know,
it was holy, like, wow.
Holy, like, wow?
- For me.
- Yeah, exactly.
Oh, wait.
We didn't sleep together yet.
- We didn't?
- No. The broken condom isn't there.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Thank you, Lord!
Wow.
- Hello?
- Hasta la vista, babies.
You are now
being uploaded to the cloud,
courtesy of AmasNoogle.
Ah, it's good. It's good.
You are now being returned to
your regularly scheduled programming,
courtesy of AmasNoogle.
Goddamn it.
Ah, man, not this again.
- Hello?
- Yeah?
Oh. That failed, didn't it?
I don't know.
I don't know what happens next.
You don't know?
Wait. What's that?
Oh, shit. Son of a bitch!
Who is that? Where am I?
- You're in nowhere.
- What do you mean?
I mean we're nowhere and
everywhere at the same time.
- I am not sleeping with you again, fucker.
- No, we're in the cloud.
We're in the cloud?
- He's got a gun!
- What the...
Get down!
Say it again,
"Can you let got my balls?"
Can you let go off my balls?
Balls please.
Balls, balls, balls please.
- Correct?
- Yeah.
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
The balls sounds not right.
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls... ah...
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Good. Give me two
seconds between...
Happy Halloween.
Postal Service. Who's got mail?
The Postal Service. Don't let them get me.
Bright light. Bright light. Stay out
of the light. Stay out of the light.
Whose clothes is that?
Whose bra? Whose bra?
Sally the salvia plant.
Makes good beer. Makes good beer.
God Particle. God Particle.
Oh, fuck, who's that? Nice butt.
Two minutes. I got to take my meds. I got
to take my meds. I got to take my meds.
I'm out of Xanax. I got to take new Xanax.
Where's my Xanax?
Two minutes till 8:00.
Two minutes till 8:00.
I got to take a pill.
I got to take a pill.
Just a... just a half. I got to take
a pill. I got to take new Xanax.
Take the half. Take the half. Which one?
Which one? Which one do I... take the half.
Who's the girl? Who's the girl?
One minute till 8:00.
Vodka. Vodka. One minute,
one minute till 8:00.
Eight o'clock. Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
What happened last night?
Did I solve the equation?
Nice butt.
Where is everybody?
How long was I out? Ahh!
Okay.
What the?
Ooh!
Whoa!
- Uh...
- We have to go.
What? Why?
Get down!
- Seriously?
- Shh!
- I'm gonna scream if you don't...
- No!
Don't make me scream rape!
- No, please.
- I'm gonna!
I'll let you go,
just don't stand in the window.
What? Why?
I'll tell you in the car.
- You're gonna take me to class?
- There are no more classes.
- Dude, I think you did too much last night...
- We have to go!
- Would you let me up, will you?
- Will you stay out of the light?
Just get off of me!
- We don't have much time.
- Well, I'm still not entirely sure what's going on.
Or where the fuck I am. So if you want to
enlighten me, I'd really appreciate it.
- It's not good.
- What's not good?
- I got the call.
- Ah, why didn't you just say so?
- Well, in that case, we'd really better go, huh?
- Yes, we must.
- Perfect.
- You ready?
No! Holy shit, weirdo! I'm gonna
stand up now. Is that okay?
No!
Why not?
- Don't let them see you.
- Who is out there?
Has there been
another school shooting?
The Postal Service.
- You mean the mailman?
- Not exactly.
- Are you missing some mail?
- We have to go.
Why?
It's our destiny.
Jesus, what's with you, man?
You almost had me!
You almost had me.
- Stay down!
- Ow!
Get off! Ow! Get off me.
- Ah!
- All right, freak. Let's get one thing straight.
You seem to be a relatively confused
person, and I'm all for that usually,
given my own state of being
most of the time.
Hell, I think we naturally probably
had a pretty good time last night
considering how shitty
my head feels right now,
and the increasingly embarrassing
fact that I have no clothes on,
but alas, I am in no mood to
play Twister with you anymore,
and frankly, I need to grab my gear and
need to make it to Psych class in...
Now.
So I'm gonna say this again.
You're gonna let me
leave this room,
and I'm gonna forget
this shit ever happened
and spare you
the humiliation of campus police
coming to bust your little
whatever that is!
Armageddon.
- Huh?
- Emergency survival gear. I packed.
- You packed?
- Yeah.
- For Armageddon?
- To make it to the launch pad.
- Launchpad?
- Yes, in Pasadena. Outside Los Angeles.
And who's outside?
Have you seen
the movie Terminatrix?
The Postal Service.
I really should go. I have an extra
ticket, but if you're not interested...
I need a ticket? To where?
- Can you let go of my balls, please?
- Oh, sorry.
Hey.
What the fuck?
Holy shit.
- Psst! Hey!
- Ha!
You!
- Dude!
- Oh! Ooh!
Dude!
Hey!
Hello?
I think they're here.
- Who?
- I don't know, the mail guy?
I knew they'd come.
I really have to go now.
You can't leave me here.
- Why not?
- Because.
- Because why?
- Because...
I'm pregnant.
Ah, shit!
Really?
Yeah. Fuck!
Grab what you can.
Suunnee's out back! Let's go!
This is Suunnee.
- This is your car?
- Yeah, it's my baby. Why? What's wrong?
- Are you okay?
- Am I okay? Are you okay?
- First, how about a little help here?
- Oops, sorry.
Oh! Ouch.
Take off those goddamn
bug-eyed goggles.
Are you honestly making me carry
around a sex doll in an icebox?
Careful. It's
a floatation device.
Floatation? Seems awfully anatomically
correct for a pool floaty.
What are we,
going on vacation here?
I don't know
if you're gonna understand.
- Try me.
- Okay, if the universe we're in, we're just one dimension.
Based on my probability
calculations of the multiverse,
there's an 18.46% chance we're
gonna need this blood transfusion.
And in an outcome, 14.75% chance
we might need the hot babe floaty,
12.5%, the solar cells.
Whoa whoa whoa,
slow down there, Einstein.
I can barely understand
a word you're saying.
- Multi what?
- Multiverse.
- Multi hearse?
- Multiverse.
- Purse?
- Verse. Multiple universe.
Look, man, I don't even remember
having sex with you last night,
but I can assure you
it's not gonna happen again.
Let alone multi-whatever-
you're-thinking.
Multiverse. Quantum mechanics.
- Wait, what major are you?
- Theoretical Physics.
- What major are you?
- General Studies.
What's that?
It's a combination
of psychology, art, and music.
That's fantastic.
Look, brain queef, why are
we bringing a surfboard
and do-it-yourself floatation
doll to some launch pad?
Should I grab
my bikini and guitar?
And where the fuck
is everybody, anyway?
Look, Ms. General Studies,
you clearly won't get this.
- Educate me.
- Okay.
Have you ever
heard of entanglement?
You mean what I can't
remember what we did last night?
Not that entanglement.
Spooky Action at a Distance.
Jesus, man! It doesn't
matter if I'm near or far.
- It's not happening again!
- Not necessarily.
Time is an illusion.
As far as we know it, it's never
actually not happening.
Let me take it
from the top. All right.
The first discoveries
of quantum physics
were that the observation
itself creates changes
in the outcome of the event,
but the future affects the past.
Then Spooky Action at a Distance
Theory was conceived of in the 1930s,
and it wasn't
until 30 years later
that Freedman and Clauser's pioneering
experiments proved particles entangle.
Almost like mirror
each other and therein,
can relate like two rolling dice
that always land on the same numbers.
Even across space-time
at inconceivable distances.
This is what makes
teleportation possible,
which I wrote
my freshman thesis on.
See, we can literally jump dimensions
if we deal with it on a quantum level,
particle by particle.
Almost like stepping
through a wormhole.
Boom, boom.
Here - there, instantaneously.
Same place, same time, even.
Boom, boom.
So.
If we can get to the launch pad by
November 11th, at 11/11, 11:00 a.m.
we can get off this Earth.
We can meet my family
at International Space Station.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa, Thomas Edison.
November 11th?
That's, like, in two weeks.
Yeah. In this dream I had,
my counselor told me there are
many ways this could play out.
In one,
I was told to bring this.
In another, we might need this.
- In another, we might need this.
- Told by who, McGillicutty?
The counselor.
Oh, good.
That's a little better.
I was hoping we wouldn't go too far
without talking to a specialist.
Good.
Where is this counselor?
You see yours when you're
meant to see yours.
I'd like to see a counselor right now.
Right fucking now.
You should've
kept your pants on, Kara.
You should've kept
your god damn pants on!
Sister Mary had it right.
Maybe complete abstinence is
better than perfect moderation.
Maybe this is the lesson
I'm finally meant to learn.
Whatever.
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Where the fuck is Bernie?
- Who?
- Bernie, my purse.
I had him when we left, and then you
made me carry all this stupid shit,
and the strap probably broke.
- Blame it on me now...
- Fucking...
Wow, what the fuck was that?
Sounded like
a gravitational ripple.
- Cool.
- A what?-?
Two black holes
collided 4 billion years ago.
- I was expecting that last week.
- But it came from over there.
- No, it didn't.
- Yes, it did.
- Not necessarily.
- Oh, whatever.
I'll be right back.
Just remember,
if you go around that corner,
we may not be in the same
dimension anymore.
Well, I got to get Bernie.
There you are.
Agent 1, they are out of the room.
You are clear to proceed.
Hey.
- Huh?
- Do you need some help?
Oh, yeah, sure, thanks, man.
I figure we need
to get some food.
I don't know about you,
but I'm starving.
Yeah, I could
really go for some food.
- What are you in the mood for?
- Uh, anything healthy.
Me too. I'm on this diet.
I'm at 8.2% body fat,
and I have to go below 5% to
match Brad Pitt in Fight Club.
- Well, why is that, exactly?
- I'm shooting a music video.
- You... you're a musician?
- Oh, yeah.
- What kind of music?
- I'm a rapper.
Music is the common language
of vibration energy.
It bonds us.
It transcends us into
higher versions of ourselves.
Creativity itself, quite literally
is the intersection of dimensions.
We're gonna need it
where we're going!
- Oh, I got that.
- Okay, take it easy.
- Okay, you just need to be careful.
- Just trying to be helpful.
Thank you. Get in.
I'll take care of Tank.
Okay.
Uh... What the fuck is this?
It's a mini fridge.
- What for?
- Drinks.
- For when you drive?
- Oh, God, no. I don't drink and drive.
- So this is for guests?
- Of course.
I figure if I'm gonna drive,
I'm gonna have style.
I always wanted
a muscle car. Ready?
Salvia was a secret plant.
They were hiding it for a real long time.
- Who was?
- The government and the tribes.
It's known as Sage of the Diviners.
Ska Maria Pastora.
Seared sage is believed to be an
incarnation of the Virgin Mary.
Mazatec shamans
use it for religious purposes.
Its natural habitat
is in the cloud force
in the isolated Sierra Mazateca
of Oaxaca, Mexico,
but it's really believed
to be brought to the planet...
not to have,
like, originated here.
- Why?
- Because its reproductive system is so different.
It's very hard to figure out.
It's, like, it was
just one plant found,
like it was
a four-dimensional... accident
that just slipped out
or crashed on some asteroid.
Either way,
I think it caused my DR.
- Your what?
- Derealization.
- What's that?
- It's like being stoned all the time.
I'm very sensitive to light.
I have panic attacks.
It could be
neurological or psychological.
How many times did you do it?
Salvia? Three or four times.
- Wow.
- You lose a thousand years in your mind.
There's no time limit.
That's the problem.
Just like it should be
in fourth dimension. All is one.
Gravitational force
is tearing you apart.
Eventually, it takes, like,
15 minutes to get back to your reality.
And it was so crazy.
I took another dose right away.
I needed to figure it out,
so I took 120 extract.
- People usually do five.
- Oh, whoa!
The spirit
of Salvia is always a woman,
and I experienced a cube
in a cube in a cube situation.
I get pushed away
from the future.
You think that you can never come
back, that you're stuck.
You also become objects,
like a person's shoe
or something quantizable.
Agent 1,
terminate search. Pursue the target.
Sending new coordinates now.
And then... I was
there, at the source.
All was one.
Singularity...
Until I started sweeping back.
When you come back,
you come back part by part.
You feel an insane pull of something
else different at the top of your head.
Like a connection to the Cosmo,
and you have no idea what's going on.
Because when you're on it,
you have no idea.
You don't remember
you smoking it.
Eventually, it takes, like,
15 minutes to get back to yourself.
And everyone goes to the same
place when you're on salvia.
Everyone sees the same stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Everyone who does it describes
the same kind of thing.
The woman. The cubes.
No way.
Yeah. I almost wish I never
smoked it in my entire life.
Yet, I cannot name anything that
has been as profound as that.
Where'd you get it?
The deep web. The vinyl highway.
Once you smoke it...
the doors open.
It's not like LSD. Once you have
it, you can never take it back.
The door cannot be shut.
- No ticket back?
- No round-trip ticket.
No round-trip ticket?
And do not operate mechanical
machinery while on it.
You have to have a sitter.
You can't do it by yourself.
Perceptions are gone.
You're not seeing anything.
Excessive laughter and crying.
Both at the same time.
- Drooling.
- Drooling?
Ick.
Ah, dude? We have to go.
Woah!
Man, don't worry. I'm a perfect driver.
I never had a speeding ticket.
Ah, damn it.
What's wrong?
I forgot something.
What? What are you doing?
It's fine. It will
take me a second.
You're literally out of your mind.
The mail guy is there.
- No, no, it's fine.
- No, no, it's not fine!
- Holy shit!
- What?
- That's... Him!
- What?
- Gun it!
- I can't do that. It would be very dangerous.
Gun. It.
Don't you see?
- Don't you see?
- See what?
Oh.
- What the fuck, man?
- What the fuck?
What the fuck? What the fuck?
What the fuck was that?
Jesus. You almost shot
us through space-time.
Are you insane?
You're insane. He's insane.
Or maybe he's on salvia.
Or maybe I'm on salvia.
Did you give me salvia?
Everybody needs
to calm the fuck down.
He's coming. He's coming.
He is on his way here.
Everything's fine. I have no idea
what you're freaking out about.
What I'm freaking out about?
Your little head got me into this mess.
Your big head better get me out!
Okay. Fine. Forget about it.
I don't need to get it anyway.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God! Jesus...
I know.
I know it's been a while.
Don't be mad. Like, a long time.
- What? We're fine.
- Do not tell me we are fine!
I don't know why you're so worked up.
I mean, it's not that big a deal.
What in the Holy Grail
are you talking about?
Did you not see him?
- See who?
- Your mail dude. Whatever.
- You mean you saw the Postal Service?
- Yes!
- You saw the Postal Service?
- Yeah, I saw the guy.
What did he look like?
He looked like... like a guy.
- That's good. Very general.
- He's like an agent guy!
- Like an agent?
- Yeah, you know?
- Like, with that look.
- That look like...?
- The Terminatrix look.
- Wow.
- Fuck wow!
- Interesting.
Interesting? Aren't you
trying to avoid them?
Like, for Armageddon reasons?
- No.
- No?
Do you mind if I smoke?
- No.
- Great.
No, yes,
I mind if you fucking smoke!
No? No?
- You're not trying to run from the agent guy?
- No. Why would I do that?
Correct me
if I'm wrong here, Einstein.
Does the sexy guy
in the cool glasses
have anything to do with our
mission to get across the county?
- Probably.
- And what exactly is his probable role in this equation?
I don't know. He probably has a high
probability of being your counselor.
Oh, my counselor?
Why is he my counselor?
I don't know.
You saw him. I didn't.
Which makes me
to believe that like I said,
what reality you're living in is
yours, and what I'm in is mine.
Has anyone ever told you that you're
not exactly right in the head?
Singularity is within, man.
- The sooner you...
- You let me out of this fucking car!
- Whoa!
- Let me out!
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Let me out! Let me out!
Like, like... oh! Oh! Like...
I just... I just need to... I...
- Get off of me!
- Ah, okay, okay, okay!
This is, like...
This is, like, it?
I mean, is he my punishment?
'Cause I didn't
treat Mom and Dad with respect?
Dad was always an asshole, and Mom,
she just did it for the money, right?
I didn't want to find
their smutty videos
in the VCR player
Christmas morning!
I didn't ask to be stuck between
their fucked up battles of infidelity
and I needed glasses
way before 8th grade!
You want me to repent?
Am I supposed to confess?
How?
There's nobody left
to confess to!
And even if there was, I mean, it's
not my fault I was made this way, God!
They put me in Catholic School,
which if you haven't been paying
attention, is fucked up!
You think I wanted to have my virginity
taken by a dirty priest at 15?
I didn't taunt him.
They made us wear these
little skirts and knee socks.
Sick, twisted fucks.
- It's a good look.
- Shut up!
Sure, there's a little
part of me that liked it.
But isn't that what you do?
You put us in these
shitty situations...
that we have to
fucking deal with?
That are impossible to begin with,
and then you give us the choice?
Do good or evil.
Well, let me say this again:
Go fuck yourself!
Fuck yourself!
I've had just about enough
of the cards I've been dealt,
and now you give me this guy?
No disrespect.
You don't look like Satan.
I figured he'd be a little bit
sexier than you!
But that's the joke, right?
It's like tailored to me.
It's so specific.
I get it. This is Hell.
You can tell me.
This is it, isn't it?
Well, I can't
tell you that for sure,
but I'd rather not get into
religion with you right now, okay?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Let's not talk about God.
Let's not talk about God.
- What are we going to do?
- Yeah, good, okay.
What we're gonna do is,
we're gonna get back into Suunnee,
- and we're gonna drive.
- Oh, we're gonna drive?
Where are we gonna drive?
To Pasadena?
- Yeah.
- If we're gonna drive, then I want...
I want... I want my guitar.
If I am gonna have to do this with
you, I need my guitar.
Oh, sure.
We need your guitar.
I didn't know you played guitar.
Yeah, I do.
- I'm a singer/songwriter.
- You're a singer/songwriter?
- I am.
- Like, uh, Taylor Swift?
No, not like Taylor Swift.
Not like bad Taylor Swift. Why?
What's wrong with Taylor Swift?
It's nothing, nothing. It's nothing personal.
It's just, uh, not my thing, that's all.
You know, just don't.
Just get back in the car.
- Okay, well...
- Get back in the car!
- Just get back in the goddamn car and just let me...
- What'd I say?
- What'd you say?
- What'd I say?
- What'd I say?
- What'd you say? What'd you say? Amazing!
Just kill it!
- What the fuck is that sound?
- The bowling ball.
- You mean my brain.
- I'm sorry, man.
The first few times I tried to
wrap my head around quantum theory,
it's, like, crazy, man.
They say if you think
you understand it, you don't.
And I was just
trying to make small talk.
So give this to me again. Do you or
do you not see the car following us?
- I'm sorry.
- You don't?
It's true. Unless I'm tripping,
or maybe you are.
If that's the case, it'd be
a good time to share it.
Okay, so I'm
officially losing it.
No, I tried
to explain this to you.
I'm gonna listen
again. I'm gonna listen.
Go ahead.
So like I said, it's got nothing
to do with me or my reality.
Ah, yes, multiverse.
- So who are you running from?
- Nobody.
But you said to go and to stay
out of the light and the mailman.
The Postal Service?
Yeah, he needs to be avoided.
I hate getting bills.
Bills? Like, credit card bills?
No, last time I got the mail,
I got a recall notice on my car,
and I can't give Suunnee up.
I mean, I'm just trying to get
to the launch pad on time.
Will you stay out of the light?
Don't let them see you.
Launchpad.
Emergency survival
gear. I packed.
It could be
neurological or psychological.
And meet my family,
and you're pregnant,
and I'm not leaving my baby mama and
future offspring on the dying Earth.
I am not
fucking pregnant, you dip!
- You lied to me?
- Lied to you? Yes!
You lied to me. That's, like...
The worst thing you can do.
Are you out of your mind?
It's okay. This is good news.
I'm on the pill
for just this reason.
Good news?
Yeah.
Though, it does cause
some erratic mood swings.
I might change the prescription.
I thought I
was going to be a dad.
Uh, oh, man.
Well, I'm sorry.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
Oh.
I, uh...
I...
I just said that so you'd
take me with you.
All you had to do was ask.
I got to take my meds. I
got to take my meds. I got to take a half.
I got to take my meds. I got to
take my meds. I got to take a half.
No, I got to take a whole pill. I got
to take my meds. I got to take my meds.
- So can I still use that ticket?
- Yeah, not that important.
So I don't need a ticket?
Not that paper ticket, anyway.
Besides, I have most important
trip tickets in the fridge.
Let me ask you something.
Shoot.
You don't see
that guy right there?
Interesting.
- You do?
- I do.
Ha!
- Holy shit!
- Ah-ha!
Fuck!
- I think I get it! I think I get it!
- What? What the fuck do you get?
- It makes sense.
- None of this makes any sense.
- Oh, it makes perfect sense.
- Tell me, Einstein.
- Tell me what you have on this!
- That's exactly right.
Einstein couldn't get it,
but I think I did.
- What are you fucking talking about?
- Multiverse.
Quantum Mechanics
versus Relativity.
Shut up and say something
that makes sense!
Okay, listen,
this is what you got to know.
About a hundred years ago, Einstein
turned everything in physics on its ass
with his theory of relativity.
And that had to do with time and space,
kind of being the same thing.
Space-time! Space-time!
Meanwhile, there were
these other physicists
dealing with probability and working
at completely different math.
Like, radically different,
and logic as you know it
was just thrown out the window.
So much that Einstein himself
was plagued by the entire notion.
Anguished by how two
diametrically opposed theories
about how the world
works could coexist.
Quantum, the world of the
small and our everyday reality.
Us, planets, etcetera.
Gravity and space
and all that theorizing
led us to this strange,
troubling problem that exists today.
The laws of the small do not
connect up to the laws of the large.
And the small, the quantum theory,
has never, ever, been proven wrong.
So where does that leave us?
The mysterious Linchpin
of the whole Standard Model!
The standard particle itself
was just discovered,
which brings us to super
symmetry versus the multiverse.
- Oh, here we go again!
- No, quite the opposite.
On one side is
the multiverse concept.
The Google the possible probable
outcomes of every little energy molecule.
The Google of yous
and versions of your life,
theoretically live in totally
different realities.
Just the idea of self makes life
feel completely random and pointless.
Then, and here's
where it gets interesting.
It's already interesting enough!
On the other side,
with super symmetry,
everything is in this almost
improbable inconceivable harmony.
A miracle of specificity.
A truly enlightening equilibrium
that only leads us to think
that the universe must be a
product of intelligent design: God!
- There is a god?
- That's hard to say.
Some people call the Higgs
boson particle God, yes.
- So I am in Hell?
- Uh, maybe, but it's okay.
- I think I solved it.
- You solved it?
- The connection.
- Between what?
The quantum
and classical theories.
- You did?
- I did.
At least... I think I did.
I was wasted.
Using the new Higgs boson weight
to finish my senior equation.
And then I stood up and went
to the bathroom to take a dump.
Then, it hit me.
- It hit you?
- Yeah.
- On the toilet?
- Yes.
What Einstein couldn't figure
out, you did while taking a dump?
Is that a periscope?
- Kind of.
- Did you make it yourself?
Yeah, how'd you guess?
You got a little, uh...
Mm.
Anyway, when I was
on the toilet,
I remember feeling
this giant wave of energy
just rush through me
like a moment of uniformity.
I was everywhere in the same
place, like, the same time.
The whole universe
and I were one.
I took a deep breath,
and then... and then imploded.
You imploded with the universe?
Yeah, like I had sex with her.
You had sex with the universe?
Yeah, see, the crazy thing is,
all we know only makes 5% of the
entire value of the universe.
Now, with the Higgs weight,
I can solve my senior equation,
which all comes down
to dark matter.
- Is that, like, Darth Vader?
- Kind of.
And it's negative. Dark energy.
- Is that like the force?
- Yes! We don't know what they are.
The Higgs and weight of the God
Particle was the missing clue.
Now, I'm using it
to calculate the probability
of the Big Crunch
or the Big Rip.
Is that like gas?
It's how the universe ends.
It's either a squish or a poof,
and I wrote it down and then...
Huh? I must've been right!
Why?
Because my calculation was an
observation that changed the outcome.
Now, instead of being
in the center of the equilibrium
between super symmetry
and the multiverse...
The worst possible
thing has happened.
The multiverse itself
is entangled!
The multiverse has entangled.
Nice.
Now, all I have to do
is figure out what he wants.
Well, maybe we should
just ask him.
- Huh.
- I mean, why are you driving away from him, exactly?
I don't know. It just seemed
like the right thing to do.
I agree. I agree, it did seem like
the right thing to do at the time...
but now
that it's this space-time,
maybe we should reconsider.
What are you thinking about?
I don't know.
What are you thinking about?
I don't know.
I'm just so confused.
It's okay.
You're a General Studies major.
You guys don't know
anything about everything.
Fuck you, multi whatever!
Get us the fuck out
of this dimension!
No need to be ashamed.
Your brain picked the major it could
handle at its fullest capacity.
Everyone has their own paths.
Some are farmers, they're happy.
- Holy shit, he's back!
- He's back?
There's just no getting rid of this guy.
Who the fuck is he?
- Well, let's ask him.
- Sure,
let's get this over with,
for God's sakes.
Hey!
Can we help you?
What do you want from us?
Oh, fuck!
Fine, you can have him.
- Oh, fuck no!
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, no! Hell no!
- What's he gonna do to you?
Rape your brain?
- Probably!
- And is that a bad thing?
It sounds a lot better than what
we're currently going through here!
What do you want with me?
He wants your head!
- He's not getting my head.
- Why not?
'Cause it's my head, not yours!
Okay, okay.
What do you need
his head for?
To solve the problem.
He speaks.
See?
See? It wasn't so bad.
Shit.
What?
What, shit?
What's wrong?
You solved it already, right?
We just need to give it to him.
I can't.
What? Why? Why can't you?
- It's gone.
- What do you mean, it's gone?
- I threw it away.
- No, I thought you had some blowjob with the universe.
Where did it go?
I... I wrote it.
Yeah?
I...
Oh, no. Oh, no!
You didn't?
I did.
- You didn't do that.
- Yeah.
You wiped your ass with the answer to the
greatest question in the human history.
I did do that.
Jesus Christ, man! No wonder
everything's gone to hell
in a hand basket.
God's fucking pissed.
I think so. I had no idea!
- You had no idea?
- I had no idea!
All you had to do was ask.
- Oh, my God, he's got a gun!
- No!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- What are you doing?
- You can't escape him. He's everywhere.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- Maybe he's our counselor.
I mean, he is like God.
- I really think he's God.
- God doesn't need me to solve the world's problems.
He already solved his by creating
this universe and not being in it.
He just gets to observe.
- Whatever, just drive.
- Okay, okay.
Hey, that actually makes sense.
Did God abandon me
or did I abandon him?
Life is some, like, rigged
metaphysical SAT test
with unfair questions.
I failed.
I mean, I won
the genetic lottery, man.
My parents love me
in their own way.
I didn't go hungry
or long for anything.
I was actually pretty spoiled,
to tell you the truth.
They weren't Catholic, but they
sent me to Catholic School
so I could get a good education.
And what happened?
I hated it.
I hated them... and God.
I mean, I didn't see any proof.
I saw the opposite.
Dirty men looking up skirts.
Sex Ed was about how to abstain,
not science.
Fucking hypocrites!
But...
if there really is a god...
then his particle, it's, like,
the bonus question for mankind,
and your revelation from him...
is a gift from him.
To flush that shit down
the toilet?
You might as well have just
flipped God the bird.
It's, like,
Noah and the Arc now.
He's just rebooting mankind.
Think, Toby, think.
Yeah, think!
Think. Take your time.
Take your... wait for it!
Space-time!
- I crack myself up.
- Glad you're so amused.
God works
in mysterious ways, man.
Where is this counselor?
You'll see yours...
when you're meant to see yours.
Do you remember how we met?
I have no idea who you are
or where you came from.
The last thing I remember
is Halloween
and doing shots at the Bluewhale
for their Bottomless
Tuesday Costume Game Night.
So that's not what you
wear all the time?
Is that what you wear
all the time?
Don't answer that.
- It's only Saturday.
- That's entirely possible.
I could've OD'd. For all
you know, I could be an angel.
Absolutely not.
Or a fantasy
of your OCD imagination.
Unlikely. I have OCD,
not schizophrenia.
Makes it hard
to have friends, honestly.
Hey, let's make a calendar
of everything
that's happened so far.
Write it out, would you?
Everything in physics for the last
hundred years was coming down to Tuesday.
The biggest experiment in human history.
The CERN particle collider
announced the weight of the missing clue
to the Standard Model of quantum mechanics,
the Higgs boson.
The God Particle itself.
That night, physicists
around the world learned
what could be the bridge
between classical physics,
Einstein, and quantum mechanics.
It meant I could finish
my senior thesis,
"The Theory of Everything."
It was right there
at the worst spot: 125.09
plus minus 0.24GeV/c2
and I thought that weight could
leave every answer still in question.
I started
the equation right away.
Worked straight through.
And I could hear people
starting to party for Halloween.
I couldn't get invited
anywhere, so...
I remember I broke open the skull
vodka my dad shipped me from home
and kept on working.
- Skull vodka?
- Yeah, my dad's a physicist too,
he knew that the announcement could
mean that I could solve the equation.
- I opened it early.
- I would have too.
Really?
Anyway, I kept drinking shots.
Blacked out.
Next thing I remember, there's
someone breaking into my room,
and it's a hot girl.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
It's never happened for me.
- What? You mean you're a...
- You don't have to say it.
Are you trying to tell me
that I took your virginity?
Maybe. I don't remember, anyway.
It doesn't matter.
We're making out, and I realized
I still have to go number two,
and, you know, I...
It was there on the toilet.
And it was seeing your face...
like an angel, and the event
horizon was in your eyes,
and singularity
came up within me.
And I was just fucked
by enlightenment.
I finished, and I wrote it down.
And ran out of toilet paper
and I had to wipe,
so, um...
and I flushed. There was
just this big bang suck...
but it went down the toilet,
and it spiraled and swirled.
My observational shit
changed the outcome.
The future affects the past.
I must've opened portals
all over the place!
Toilet wormholes everywhere!
New rules of physics.
If you go around that corner,
we may not be
in the same dimension anymore.
Halloween was the end
of the world as we know it.
Total chaos. Mass hysteria.
Apocalypse.
Dogs and cats living together.
Everyone stepping
in and out of dimensions.
Every door, every turn
could be a dimension.
Society completely collapsed!
Do you have anything to eat?
Of course.
Check the mini fridge.
Okay, so what you're trying
to tell me is that you
solving that stupid
equation entangled
the multiverse?
Ah, salvia! That's why they
delivered all that beer.
- Beer? I like beer.
- They evacuated the planet.
I still don't get
who evacuated the planet.
Of course. Who else?
I mean, evacuated.
It's a strong word.
Everyone just got uploaded.
- Uploaded?
- To the cloud.
The cloud? You mean the sky?
Yeah, the sky.
By God?
He's an agent.
I told you he was God.
He's with AmasNoogle.
Oh, I like AmasNoogle!
I get my shoes on there
and my makeup and my movies
- and my homework.
- I mean, it's pretty simple.
So simple. You just click, and
a purse is there the next day.
It's so fast, so cheap.
Shit.
AmasNoogle tricked me.
They sent an agent to get
my equation
because it's the bridge.
The bridge to their global cyber
consciousness.
AI and to protect the world
from total collapse,
AmasNoogle probably saved everyone
to the cloud big data style until...
- Until what?
- Until AmasNoogle can figure out
what the fuck to do to protect
its revenue, obviously.
- How do they solve it?
- They can't,
not without imploding
the bridge in the code,
which is my equation.
AmasNoogle isn't a person.
It's just a computer now.
And only life and blood
can experience
transcendent enlightenment.
Only we know
what spiritual truth is.
The disconnect is between their
digital consciousness algorithm
and my organic moment
of enlightenment.
So what do we have to do?
What we have to do is undo
the damage of my flush.
Upload the equation,
fill the gap in information,
and voilà.
- The equation you wiped your ass with?
- Yeah.
Awesome.
Are we still going
to the launch pad?
No, there's nobody there.
It's okay. I just have to think.
Uh, what you doing?
It just helps me think.
- That little skateboard?
- Fingerboard.
They say it's good
for scientists
and businesspeople
to calm the nerves.
Mkay.
Um... I really hate
to be a bother here
but is that really necessary?
Yeah.
Okay, just checking.
- He's still following us.
- I think he's waiting for me to solve the equation again.
Uh... Do you have a plan?
Um...
Okay, 'cause you did say
at one point
that you had a plan...
Yeah, - ...for everything.
I... I'm formulating.
There's... there've been a lot
- of interesting developments.
- Yes, surely.
I mean,
I don't mean to be tacky,
but we are, you know,
the last people on the planet,
so there's that!
Holy shit!
- Holy shit, what?
- You are a genius!
- What'd I do?
- I mean, I am after realizing
the value of what you just said.
You're a genius? You're special.
You said
you don't want to be tacky,
but we're the last people
on the planet, so...
Look, I am in no way shape or
form having sex with you again.
Not in this lifetime.
Not in this reality.
Not in your reality or in his or in any of
those other fucking mes and yous out there
thinking
about probabilistic bullshit.
No, tachyons.
The hypothetical particles
that travel faster
than the speed of light,
which nothing
technically can do.
I am once in my life
not thinking about sex.
It might have happened in the
past, but it's not happening again.
- Mm, yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
I mean it really is if I can
get us to that dimension.
- No, it's not.
- You're not getting it.
- We have to go back.
- What?
We have to go back.
Go back where?
Go back... go back in...
- In what?
- Space-time!
And how, pray tell,
do you expect us to do that?
Simple. Tachyons exist in a dimension
on the other side of the speed of light
at such a high energy level
that they can travel backwards
through time.
So, hypothetically,
we just need enough energy
to step through a wormhole
without being ripped apart
by gravitational forces.
Gah, for God's sakes!
Are you trying to tell me
Suunnee's a time machine?
- Not a time machine.
- Not a time machine?
Not a time machine
but a space-time sling.
Yes, exactly,
'cause I was really hoping
you weren't taking me back
to the past in a DeLorean.
I'd rather a souped-up
muscle car that currently
has a mini fridge
jammed up at my vajayjay,
a sex floaty, and a surfboard...
on the roof!
You know,
I'm trying to solve this here...
and you're being antagonistic.
Can you grab us a few drinks out
of the fridge, please?
No, no, no, not those. Those.
I made those myself.
I'm just trying
to live in reality.
- Ah, there's your problem.
- I give up. Bring the agent
back, please.
Can I go ride with him?
- Technically, no.
- Why not?
Because he's straddling
the organic in digital system.
If he wants it to be solved,
he's gonna have me do it
in my organic space.
In my loaf of bread.
You see now that
these dimensions overlap.
Only we are still in line
within my super symmetry dump,
and if he does anything
to us now,
he may alter the potential to
undo what's been done then there.
Is that a turtle?
This is Tank,
my California desert tortoise.
He's currently 85 years old.
He's been hibernating, so
he's gonna be a little groggy.
No food, no water for months.
He hasn't gone to the bathroom
since first semester.
I rescued him when they developed
the desert with wind turbines.
See, with everything,
there's a plus and a minus.
There's no living organism
more adept at storing energy,
and we're gonna need
a lot of it.
Physics, my dear friend,
is about interlocking forces.
Dark energy has dark matter.
Suunnee has Tank.
We can use opposing forces.
Nature and machine
to slingshot us
through space-time.
- You're feeling better.
- Yes.
Me too. This makes sense.
So what's next?
Hello, Tank.
- We go back.
- Yes.
Let's... wait,
I'm so sorry. I missed that.
- How do we do that again?
- Like this.
Aah.
Whoa! Dude,
you're freaking me out.
Oh, dude, don't do this.
Don't freak me out anymore.
I swear, I'll go back to church.
No, no, it's okay.
Just close your eyes too
and drink your beer.
We have to do it together
to achieve our super symmetry.
No, you're fucking nuts, man!
I'm not gonna close
my goddamn eyes
while we're driving 60 miles
an hour down the highway
with a turtle
on the dashboard in reverse!
Tank is a tortoise.
Huge difference.
Turtle, tortoise.
I'm not doing it.
Fine, stay here.
Break the universe.
- No big deal.
- Oh, don't! Don't you dare
mind fuck my Catholic guilt!
No, actually, we need you
to just clear your mind
and channel my moment
of enlightenment and let go.
- Oh... shit!
- Keep them closed. It's beginning to happen.
Oh... shit!
Just keep them closed!
No matter what happens!
Keep them closed.
Oh, fuck.
Closed.
- Oh!
- Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
- Hello?
- Yes?
- Damn it.
- What's wrong?
I thought you'd be gone.
- So what happened?
- Singularity.
Yeah, but where are we?
The question
is not where but when, where?
Dude,
I'm seriously not in the mood
- for this shit anymore.
- Just give it a second.
- I'm just almost done.
- What? With what?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- What the fuck? Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus!
- I know, I'm sorry.
Are you kidding me right now?
I just can't!
It was the only way.
I just don't know why
this is happening to me.
This is when it happened.
Are you sure?
I don't feel any,
like, universe-gasm
crawling up in this...
this shit, literally.
I just need you to stop,
for a little bit.
Let me do this. I was dreaming,
and I was thinking,
and... it hit me.
And I wrote on the toilet paper.
Because people do that.
They keep pens in the bathroom
and solve quadratic equations
while sitting on the throne.
Bathrooms are considered sacred
by the Greek philosophers
and used for deep connections
with one's brain.
While relaxing for hours
are my best thinking on the pot.
Well, let me not stop
Mother Nature.
Yeah, let's give it
an old faith, shall we?
Oh, I want to have faith!
For the first time
in my goddamn life,
I can honestly say that...
Wait, what are you doing?
- I'm writing.
- You're what?
- I rap.
- You're rapping now?
Yeah, I'm writing. I'm feeling lit.
Freestyle. It helps me think.
- You're feeling it?
- Yeah. It's coming.
What is?
No, no! No, it's not working.
No...
Oh. Oh, my God.
No, no, no!
Creativity itself is
an intersection of dimensions.
- Did you get it?
- I got it. I got it!
Write it down, quickly!
I got it. Just give me a minute.
Take all the time you need.
Just don't use it to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, I know.
- Is that it? Oh.
- That's it.
Oh, God, I love it. Oh!
Let's not talk
about God right now.
Sure, whatever you want,
big boy. Whatever you want.
You're my big boy, aren't you?
- Oh, yeah.
- I am? Really?
No. I mean yes.
Just stay focused. Just write.
Okay, okay, sure. Uh-oh. Oh.
- Are you... you okay?
- Uh, oh, no.
- You still got it?
- Oh, God.
- No.
- Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
- No! No! No! No! No! No!
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, God, oh, God,
- oh, God! Fucking God!
Oh, gee, ah! It's gone.
I shouldn't have this on.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
Where is this counselor?
You see yours
when you're meant to see yours.
It's believed to be an
incarnation of the Virgin Mary.
I mean, it's not my fault!
I was made this way, God!
Did God abandon me?
Or did I abandon him?
Salvia.
Time is an illusion. Mazatec shamans
use it for religious purposes.
You came through
the wormhole with me.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day
our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who have
trespassed against us.
And lead us not into temptation...
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom
and the power...
And the glory!
Now and forever and ever!
It's back! It's good.
I got it. Yeah.
Holy shit. It worked.
I get it.
And you're the proof,
and that toilet paper
is like the Shroud of Turin.
Wait, if that makes you, like,
the Messiah,
then does that make me...
Wow. Fuck!
You know, and they say she
wasn't a virgin at all, either.
I'm sorry. It's just my penis.
You know, when I have to think,
I have to think with both heads,
and what you said
distracted me with your...
Wait, no, wait.
Just you don't, don't, don't.
- Just stay focused and write.
- Okay, okay, yeah, yeah.
Hey.
- He's back.
- He is?
Yeah, he's here. He's just waiting.
You know, for the equation.
I just thought
I should let you know.
- Stay focused.
- Okay, I know.
He's good. He's got it.
Nothing to worry about.
Looks like
it's all gonna be okay.
Do I know you?
You remind me of somebody.
Oh, shit.
Yep, that's it.
I mean,
I had such a thing for him.
He was my 9th grade
New Testament teacher.
Father Daniel.
He'd read psalms about our sins,
and then he'd tell me
to stay after class...
in my uniform.
I would just get so...
You know, if I were in another
dimension right now, I...
This is it!
- This is it?
- Yep.
- I'm so glad that all worked out.
- Me too.
- What a ride.
- Well?
So we just give this
to you now, right?
Is this the answer you're
looking for, headmaster?
Wait, did I miss something?
Huh? No. No, nothing.
- Why?
- You're, like, flirting with him.
- No.
- Are you into him?
What? No!
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No!
- Uh-huh. Yes.
- No!
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- I'm really not. No, I'm not.
- No, you're wrong.
- Yes!
No.
Yes.
No.
- Yep.
- No!
- Uh-huh.
- No!
- Yes!
- No!
- Yep!
- No!
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, maybe. Why?
Really? Why?
'Cause we just...
We just, what?
We just we're, like...
What?
I mean, you know,
it was holy, like, wow.
Holy, like, wow?
- For me.
- Yeah, exactly.
Oh, wait.
We didn't sleep together yet.
- We didn't?
- No. The broken condom isn't there.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Thank you, Lord!
Wow.
- Hello?
- Hasta la vista, babies.
You are now
being uploaded to the cloud,
courtesy of AmasNoogle.
Ah, it's good. It's good.
You are now being returned to
your regularly scheduled programming,
courtesy of AmasNoogle.
Goddamn it.
Ah, man, not this again.
- Hello?
- Yeah?
Oh. That failed, didn't it?
I don't know.
I don't know what happens next.
You don't know?
Wait. What's that?
Oh, shit. Son of a bitch!
Who is that? Where am I?
- You're in nowhere.
- What do you mean?
I mean we're nowhere and
everywhere at the same time.
- I am not sleeping with you again, fucker.
- No, we're in the cloud.
We're in the cloud?
- He's got a gun!
- What the...
Get down!
Say it again,
"Can you let got my balls?"
Can you let go off my balls?
Balls please.
Balls, balls, balls please.
- Correct?
- Yeah.
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
The balls sounds not right.
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Can you let go
off my balls... ah...
Can you let go
off my balls, please?
Good. Give me two
seconds between...