Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993) - full transcript

- Oh!
- Oh!

Come on, you promised to sit through the
entire hockey game without being bored,

and I'll sit through
the Wagner opera next week.

I know.

- I already bought the earplugs.
- Yeah, but with your eyesight...

I'm surprised you can see the puck.

Yea. Hurrah.

- I can't wait to get into bed.
- I know.

There's a Bob Hope movie
on television later.

I know.
Do you believe this guy in Indiana?

Killed 12 victims, dismembered them
and ate them.



Really? Well,
it's an alternative lifestyle.

Yeah, I'll say.

- Hold the elevator!
- We're coming.

Hold the elevator.
Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I, uh... I see you
at the gym sometime.

- Oh, you do?
- We live in the apartment down the hall.

Oh, well, I go whenever
I have the discipline.

It's important to put that time in.

- Does wonders.
- Oh, yeah, I agree with you.

- Exercising changed my life.
- I prefer to atrophy.

- I'm not a big exercise person.
- We bought a treadmill last week.

We had one, but we got rid of it,
because it was taking up too much space.

- You have to turn it on and get on it.
- Hey, hey.

It's so confusing with all of those
buttons and computerized programs.



- I'm just never going to get that.
- Oh, I know.

It's wonderful meeting you. I've seen you
so many times in the hallway.

- I wanted to say hello.
- I know, isn't this funny? Well, anyway...

- Good night!
- Good night!

- Such a lovely couple. Uh, hello!
- Huh?

Listen, why don't you come in for
a second and have a drink with us?

- Oh, oh, well, that'd be fine.
- We'd love that.

- She makes great Irish coffee.
- There's a movie I wanna watch.

I want you to
give me a treadmill lesson.

Oh, listen, if I can figure it out,
then believe me, anybody can.

- I don't know what I'm doing.
- No, please, it's easy.

Wonderful book they've given me.
I'm at level five.

What? You're that advanced?
I only got to level two.

I work out all the time.
Look at these diagrams.

- That's amazing.
- Can't understand this.

- Let me see.
- Yeah, well, see this.

Now let me show you
a mint 1933 airmail.

Very rare and very beautiful.
Look at that.

And this plate block is quite unique
because it has a flaw in the engraving.

- See if you can see it.
- It's hard for me actually.

Give you a little hint.
Right down here in the corner.

- Oh, that little tiny thing there?
- Yeah.

- That makes it quite valuable, you see.
- Aha.

And I just got a commemorative set
that are going to be quite valuable.

- Look at the color. All of these...
- Listen,

- we're probably keeping you up, right?
- Oh, no, this is wonderful.

- I should be going. Car...
- What do you do, if I may ask?

Me, I'm in book publishing.
I work up at Harper's.

- Are you really?
- Yeah.

- I own an old cinema. Having it redone.
- Oh.

Used to have a string of three,
but business is not what it used to be.

Look at these presidentials,
look at the color work.

Even the perforations are intact.

Where's Carol?
I should really be going.

Oh, really?

- Yeah, I mean...
- Coffee's ready.

- Oh, coffee. I forgot coffee.
- Good.

We can get back to this later.
Come on in.

Well, we never had any children,
but it's easy to empathize.

- What college does your son attend?
- Brown!

- Nice color.
- That's funny.

Paul never attended college.
He's self-made.

Always regretted it. I think knowledge
is the second most important thing.

First is health,
then knowledge, then money.

- It's amazing how time will just...
- And do you work?

Huh? Do I? Oh! Well, actually,

I used to work at an ad agency,
but that was many years ago.

I've been seriously thinking
of starting a little restaurant.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but, well, Larry,
he's trying to talk me out of it.

She's a great cook, really.

Her duck and fennel omelet
on a bed of scallops...

in hollandaise sauce with truffles
and sweetbreads will make you...

snap into a fetal position and lay
on your bed screaming for a month.

He loves to tease me,

but actually he really
loves exotic food.

My weakness is any rich dessert.
Cream, butter.

Oh, really?

Listen, I'll fix you dessert that'll
make your eyeballs roll up.

You'll have to exercise
a month to work it off.

We're going to Le Cirque
for our anniversary.

No, really?

- Yes, 28 years in November.
- Really?

What do you buy the woman
who has everything?

We already have
twin cemetery plots.

I always think a Bentley
is in good taste.

Or you can go the route
that I went with her.

On our 20th, I got her some
very lovely handkerchiefs.

Yeah, but, you know,
they had my initials on them.

It was very high class.
I didn't even know her size.

I'm going over.

Jesus, couldn't you keep
the conversation going longer?

- I'm signaling you frantically.
- I was trying to be neighborly.

Neighborly? If this guy showed me
his stamp collection one more time...

My favorite thing in life
is to look at canceled postage.

Oh, come on, Larry.
It was sweet.

They're looking forward
to their anniversary.

Yeah, and I'm looking forward
to seeing that Bob Hope movie.

I don't know why
they put it on so late.

Do you think
that's gonna happen to us?

What?

Well, that we'll become like them.

Just another dull, aging couple
with our little walks...

- We are a dull, aging couple.
- ...our TV, our lox and bagels...

and our twin cemetery plots.

No, we should be as lucky as them to
be in their physical shape at their age.

They look great. Did you see
the dumbbells this guy lifts?

If I lifted dumbbells like that,

I would get a hernia the size
of the San Andreas Fault.

How often do you think
they make love?

Oh, you know, probably
more than we do, in their shape.

I'm sure as much as once a week.

- Oh, I'm exhausted.
- Larry?

- What?
- Do you still find me attractive?

Of course. What kind of question
is that? Of course I do.

Yeah, but we're not turning into
a pair of comfortable old shoes, are we?

Never comfortable. I don't think
you have to worry about that.

How you guys doin'?

- Fine. We're gonna get this one.
- We're good.

That's very nice. Are we
gonna see you at Elaine's Thursday?

Oh, no,
Thursday's our Wagner opera.

- Ted's coming to Elaine's with us.
- Ted? How is Ted?

- He seems to be doing well.
- I don't think he's...

- No, he's not doing well.
- I think he's glad he's divorced.

Come on, he's not doing
well at all. He's not used to it.

I think he looks,
you know, like he's glad.

What do you want to do?
You gonna browse or...

- We're gonna go to a movie.
- We're gonna go see Double Indemnity.

- Why don't you come with us?
- What do you think?

It starts in a little while.

I'd have the police after her so fast
it'd make her head spin.

They'd put her through the ringer,
and the things they would squeeze out.

You haven'tgot a single
thing to go on, Keyes.

Oh, not too much. Just 26 years
experience, all the percentage there is,

and this hunk of
concrete in my stomach.

- God, that movie was great, wasn't it?
- Yeah, it's one of my favorites.

- I loved it.
- They were all wonderful in the picture.

Who can we fix Ted up with?
There must be somebody in your office.

- Ted?
- Yeah.

I don't know. I always thought
Ted had a crush on you.

- Me?
- Yeah. Why are you so stunned?

Please! I adore him,
but he's like a girlfriend to me.

Now he's divorced, you know.

Do I detect a note of jealousy?

I had to call 911.

- So what's the trouble?
- What's going on?

She had a heart attack.
She's dead.

She's dead?

They're giving Mr. House
a sedative right now.

He's running around like crazy.

I called EMS and they got here
as soon as they could.

- But it was too late.
- We just met them.

Awful, just awful.

- What happened?
- Well, it's a classic coronary.

- She just went like that.
- Is there anything we can do?

Be good neighbors.
We've calmed him down.

Th-Th-The first time
we saw them was last night.

- We just met them. We had coffee.
- Such a nice lady.

- Nice lady.
- Sweet person.

- God, okay.
- You look wonderful.

- Oh, hello. Hi, Mr. House.
- Hi!

- So sorry.
- Thank you for those wonderful flowers.

- Oh, that's...
- It was quite nice of you.

Anything we can do,
anything you need, just tell us.

Anything at all.
It was just such a shock.

It was just so sudden.
She seemed so, well, healthy.

- She had a heart condition.
- She did?

- She never mentioned it.
- She wouldn't have.

- No, right, well.
- If there's anything we can do.

- Yeah, anything.
- If you need anything, if you're lonely.

Very kind. You know, you owe me
a wonderful French dessert.

Oh, no, no, I haven't forgotten,
believe me. I haven't forgotten.

Have a nice time.
You seem all gussied up.

- We're going to the opera.
- Oh, enjoy!

- My favorite.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Come on, we're gonna be late.

You know, I sit through the ice hockey
game and you watch the whole opera.

I can't listen to that much Wagner.
I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I think it's weird.
One night she's having coffee

and the next night they
carry her out in a rubber bag?

I know, and she did not
look like she was ready to go.

Maybe this guy killed her.

Like he's got a young tootsie
stashed somewhere.

No, not this...
You gotta see this guy.

This guy gets his jollies from licking
the back of postage stamps.

He's a boring, old...

I could see that, depending on
whose picture is on the stamp.

She never once mentioned
that she had a heart condition.

What is she gonna say?

Hello, I'm Mrs. House,
and I have a bad heart.

She had no problem telling me

about her hysterectomy
in the first five minutes.

It's much easier to talk about
a hysterectomy than a heart condition.

She liked eating high cholesterol
desserts. Is that what you said?

- So she had one too many.
- No, no, she wasn't on a diet.

- We discussed diets.
- So she wasn't on a diet.

This would be a really
great way to kill somebody.

- How?
- You clog their arteries...

with whipped cream,
chocolate mousse, butter.

- They go like that.
- That's great.

- Disgusting, but it's fatal.
- I love it.

Wouldn't that be great?

I'd like to French pastry
myself to death right now.

- I'll help you.
- I really would.

In fact, I'd like another piece
of pie right after this. Do I dare?

Are you gonna start a restaurant?
Are you serious about that?

'Cause if you do, count me in.
I wanna be part of that.

- Really.
- Really?

No, I don't know.
I mean, you serious?

Yes!
Oh, God, it'll be wonderful.

What are you
encouraging her for?

- She's a great cook.
- Well, thanks to you.

It was his idea of
cooking lessons. So, I mean...

Yes, but a restaurant is a serious
business. You can't take that lightly.

- You can't be cavalier.
- I'm not being cavalier, Sy.

Do you know
how time-consuming it is?

- She'll be there every night.
- Absolutely.

- Look, look.
- They steal from you.

- But it's what I do.
- She'll cook. She's a pro.

She'll be cooking in the kitchen.
I'll be at the front, running the joint.

- Like Rick in Casablanca.
- Right.

- I'm serious. It's not like a hobby.
- I'll be the first customer.

I was thinking of fixing
Ted up with Helen Dubin.

Then I figured they would just get into
an argument over penis envy or something.

- Oh.
- Poor guy suffers from it so.

Didn't he seem
a little too cheerful?

No, he seemed like his
regular self to me, but, uh,

when you brought up the notion
of the restaurant,

- the guy lit up like Mr. Glowworm.
- The restaurant?

Yeah, he sees himself as
Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.

- I see him more as Peter Lorre...
- No, no, no,

- ...wringing his hands.
- I mean, Mr. House.

Didn't he seem
a little too cheerful to you?

- Mr. House, our next-door widower?
- Yes, yes.

He seemed too composed for a man
whose wife just died, don't you think?

Jesus, what do you want the guy to do,
walk down the street sobbing hysterically?

I don't know. All I know is,

they were supposedly looking
forward to their anniversary.

If I suddenly dropped dead,
wouldn't you sob for months or years?

Don't make those kind of jokes, okay?
I don't like those remarks.

Meanwhile, I'm the guy
who needs a physical checkup.

I don't know. To me,
he seemed just a little too perky.

Now, suddenly, he wants
his French desserts...

and "Have a nice time
at the opera."

And, my God,
"You're certainly dressed up."

- This guy should be a wreck.
- Right.

Meanwhile, I can't get the Flying Dutchman
theme out of my mind.

Remind me tomorrow to buy up
all the Wagner records in town

and rent a chain saw.

- Helen Dubin's wrong for Ted.
- Yeah?

She's too mousey.

He's a little mousey too.
They can have rodent time together.

They can eat cheese together.

Oh, Christ!

Hello? Yes, yes, yes,
of course you woke us.

Not everybody is up at 1:00 in the morning
watching the porn channel.

- I'll put her on.
- Who is it?

- Ted, for you.
- Oh! Ted, hi.

I figured out how he killed her,
made it look like a coronary.

He gagged her
and tied her to the treadmill,

and then, he turned the exercise
program up to Olympic levels.

No, I... No.

I just think this guy
is too perky.

He's not acting like a man
whose beloved of 28 years...

- died just a few days ago.
- Jesus, are you onto that?

- My God, I thought you were just joking.
- Yeah. I know.

Let me speak to him.

What? Oh, just a second,
here's Larr...

Hey, listen.
She was not murdered.

She had a heart attack.
It was a coronary.

There was a doctor there.
He said, "He's an old man."

- How do you know he's a real doctor?
- I'm not going to touch that.

I'm tired. I want to go to sleep.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Put Carol back on.

I called about something else.

Listen, I know a great location
for a restaurant.

Huh? Look at this.

- Isn't this great? These walls.
- Well, it's dark.

- It's like you have to go through a cave.
- Oh, I see.

- Then, you come out to this.
- Look at this, though.

- Huh? Isn't it great?
- It's really so beautiful.

But it's kind of out of the way
for a restaurant, isn't it?

- No, no, that's just the appeal.
- Uh-huh.

Because it's so romantic
tucked away back in here.

You don't want street trade.

You want a little out-of-the-way spot
that people hear about...

and lovers go to, takes months to
get a reservation, very few tables.

You've really thought this out.

I used to come here all the time
with Julie when we were married.

Used to walk around here.
Really beautiful at night. It's gorgeous.

It's beautiful.

I used to think, what
am I doing here with Julie?

We don't love each other anymore.
Made the moment doubly poignant.

- Hi, how are you?
- Hi, how are you?

- Oh, my.
- These are my floating islands.

- I hope you like meringue.
- I love it. Come on in.

- Well, um...
- This is unbelievable.

- Did you do it?
- I did do it.

- This has got... This is vanilla sauce here.
- Come on in.

I put little chocolate truffles.
Do you like ch...

- Would you share it with me?
- She made these just for you.

- No, it's too much for one.
- There's only half a dozen.

- I'll make some coffee. Please.
- I'll make the coffee.

- You've done so much.
- I insist. Sit down, relax.

Enjoy yourself.
You've been through enough.

She worked on those for...
How you holding up?

Oh, I don't know.
I was thinking after a while...

I'd get away from here,
this place and all its memories.

- So, you have someone to go with or...
- I have a brother in Florida.

- Hoping he can get away for a while.
- Good, it's a good idea.

- Do you like snorkeling?
- Snorkeling? No. I get nervous...

when brightly colored fish
are staring at me face-to-face.

Hey, I've got some stamps
I wanted to show you.

Oh, stamps. Wow.

Look at these.

Hmm. Okay.

Hmm?

This is really delicious.
You are an artist.

Well, thanks very much.

Mmm. Was it a large,
uh, funeral?

Oh, no.
We had very few friends, no family.

Just a simple affair, huh?
Well, they're the best, aren't they?

- Yeah.
- I guess. Then you're laid to rest and...

You know, I was just... Where...

Uh, where are
the twin cemetery plots?

'Cause we were thinking that
that was just such a romantic idea.

Weren't we, Larry?
You know, Larry?

Remember when we were talking
about the twin cemetery plots...

and, you know, how kind
of romantic that is?

- Remember?
- Yes, yes! We were.

Spending eternity with the beloved.
I sound like one of those guys now.

- Yeah.
- But I was just wondering,

- where is the cemetery?
- Oh, it's, uh, in, uh, Nyack.

We used to summer there occasionally.

What's all that stuff
about twin cemetery plots?

- Listen, Larry.
- We never discussed it at all.

I knew that you were trying to tell me
something, so I picked up on it quickly.

I was in the kitchen, okay?
I was making the coffee?

There were no beans. So, I was
looking in his cupboards just to see.

And I came across this urn! Okay?

I opened it and there were ashes in it.

Ashes? Funeral ashes?
Did you wash your hands?

- Larry, he had her cremated.
- How'd you know it was her?

They're ashes. What,
did they resemble Mrs. House?

- Who else would it be?
- Anybody. It could be an associate,

- an old relative, his accountant.
- Uh-huh. Oh.

- His cat. Who knows?
- Right, right, hidden, huh? Hidden away.

What do you mean?
The guy didn't do anything.

Look, Larry, all I know is,
he lied, okay?

- He lied!
- Look, maybe he's embarrassed.

Maybe he didn't want to spend
eternity next to the beloved.

So he told us that or, you know,
what's the difference?

- Who are you calling?
- Ted!

Oh, Jesus. Leave the guy alone.

You know, he's a poor widower.

He wants to go on
a vacation or something.

Yeah, where?
Oh, I know where.

- Snorkeling, right?
- So what? Different strokes.

He has fun sitting at the bottom
of the water face-to-face with squid.

Oh, I know, what about this?

What if they had a big insurance policy
or something like that?

- Too much Double Indemnity.
- Uh-huh.

Hi! Yeah, hi, it's me.

Listen, we were just in
our neighbor's apartment, right?

Yeah, and get this.
I came across an urn with ashes in it.

Only, he says
he had his wife buried.

That's what you do
if you don't want an autopsy.

If you don't want something discovered,
you know, like poison.

Mmm, right.

They'd have detected poison,
wouldn't they?

I don't know. There're a lot of different
kinds of exotic poisons, you know?

Yeah, but why would he...
why would he be lying?

Why would he lie at all?

You're up to poisons. You guys
are slipping into a mad obsession.

Oh, would you do that? That'd be great,
'cause I'm not good at that kind of thing.

Okay? All right.
Well, I'll talk to you later. Okay, bye.

Let's go to bed. Can we go to bed now?

- Hey, I'm not tired.
- What do you mean, you're not tired?

Ted's gonna check with
the funeral home tomorrow.

Great.

I don't understand why you're
not more fascinated with this.

We could be living
next door to a murderer.

- New York is a melting pot.
- Uh-huh.

I'm used to it.

Oh, my God.

Hey, are you okay?

Larry. Larry, I heard a noise.

I heard a noise in the hallway,
so I just, you know, I looked.

I think Mr. House
was getting on the elevator.

Yeah, you sure?

Yeah, I'm... I'm almost certain
that it was him.

So what? So what? It's not a crime.
He can get on the elevator.

I know, but who would it be
at 1:30 in the morning?

I was in a deep sleep.
What's the difference?

You know how we complain about
living on the geriatric floor.

- Do you know what I'm saying?
- Oh, right, so it was Mr. House.

So he got on the elevator.
It's not a felony.

The guy pays rent. He's entitled.

Can you go back to bed?
This is crazy.

You woke me out of a deep sleep.
I gotta get up early tomorrow.

I know what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna ring him up.

I'm gonna ring his apartment.
I'm gonna see if he's home.

- You're gonna ring Mr. House now?
- Yes, this is really...

Don't ring Mr...
What are you doing? No.

- Larry, don't!
- Don't ring Mr. House. This is a widower.

- Leave the poor guy alone.
- Shh!

You're crazy.

Stop it. So you saw him go out.
It's not a crime.

Two rings. He's not there yet.

- Give me this.
- What are you doing?

If you want to find out if
somebody left, call downstairs.

- Call the person at the door.
- All right, I'll call him.

- But keep ringing.
- Ask if someone went out.

Yeah, sure, I'm gonna
keep ringing, you got it.

- This is insane. What's gotten into you?
- What is he doing?

Where is this guy
at 1:30 in the morning?

It's none of your business.
He can go anyplace he wants.

Hello? Yes, hello, this is Mrs. Lipton.

Yes. Did anybody
just leave the building? I was just...

You sure? You sure no one...
No. Okay. All right.

Yes! Thank you.

- Okay, are you happy?
- I don't believe this. I don't get it.

Now, can we go back to bed?
For crying out loud, it's no big deal.

You're making a mystery
where nothing exists.

Let me think about this.
Okay, I got it. No, wait, listen to me.

Larry, listen.

- He got on the elevator...
- You know, I'm gonna...

- No, no, listen to this.
- I'm gonna go to sleep.

I don't wanna be standing here
in the middle of the night.

He got on the elevator,
and he took it to the basement.

Oh, great! Great, so what?
Now what do ya got?

He has a car, right? He's got
the garage door key. He opened...

So what? So what?

- What do you mean, "So what?"
- So the next-door neighbor...

went out in the middle of the night,
took his car, so he went someplace.

- So I'm right, though. I mean, I'm right.
- So you're right. So big deal.

But this kind of right
is going to put us in the toilet.

You're suspicious. It says more about
your mind than about him.

- What about your rigidity?
- Get into bed.

- How about that point?
- What's wrong with you? Jesus.

Hi!

Jack? Jack, do you think you
could come upstairs today?

- 'Cause I got a leak in the kitchen.
- Well, yeah.

- You can?
- Sure.

It will be this afternoon, right?

- You're not gonna... Now?
- I'll be back in about a minute.

- In a minute?
- Just wait a second. I'll be right back.

Yeah, okay, all right. Aye, aye, aye.

Oh, God.

Hello?

Ted, I'm in his apartment.

The urn is missing. It's gone.

Yeah, I think it might have been.
He had this satchel last night.

He was carrying this bag

and I think that might have been
what he had in the satchel.

Listen, I'd get out of there
right away, if I were you.

No, no, go. We'll talk more
from your apartment.

He's not going snorkeling with his brother.

He's got two tickets to Paris,

and he's got reservations
at the Georges Cinq Hotel

with a woman named Helen Moss.

Oh, hi, how are you?

- Good morning. How are you?
- Good.

You get the notice on
the maintenance increase?

No, when did that happen?

I'm gonna look around,
see what else I can dig up here.

Yeah. I'm telling you, this is just...
I... I'm just dizzy with freedom.

This is just... This is the craziest
thing I've ever done.

Yes, it's crazy. But soon we'll
be too old to do anything crazy.

Go, leave, leave, leave.

Hello?

Oh, hi, yeah.

I know, I... Yes, I miss you too.

I did. I made all the arrangements.

Yeah, look, I... Okay, I have to run.

But I'll see you later, okay?

Okay.

Extension Five.

Keep ringing, would you please?
'Cause I just talked to her.

What?

Okay.

Uh, would you tell her...
Yes, tell her that Tom called.

Tom! Thank you.

So I thought
your rewrites were great.

I really think you helped
your book, you know?

- It's dense a little bit...
- I don't want it to be too transparent.

That's something you're never
gonna have to worry about.

This book makes Finnegan's Wake
look like airplane reading. But it's long.

You know, you're
the only editor in the world...

I'll take suggestions from,
but even you shouldn't push it.

I'm not pushing. I think the book
is great, absolutely great, you know.

How much, how much of Dorothy
is you? As I was reading it...

I kept thinking, how much did you
base it on your own life?

- Well, I was a waitress.
- Mm-hmm.

Um, I lived with a poet.
I was a film critic.

Right,
but not a blackjack dealer, right?

No, but I put myself through
school playing poker.

- Oh, really? Do you still play?
- No, but I still know how.

- Yes. Are you good?
- Yeah.

Because maybe you could
give me some pointers.

I could turn your game
around in two hours.

Could ya? That's great.

You know, you're...
You have all these skills.

You're beautiful,
and you can write so well.

Now it turns out you play poker.
This is too good to be true.

- I wouldn't say beautiful.
- Oh, I would.

But I do have tremendous sex appeal.

Okay.

You sold me.
A- A-Are you seeing anybody?

No, don't let my confidence
fool you. It's a facade.

Why do you ask?

Because I have a friend
who became single recently,

and I know he would get
a big kick out of you.

Well. So when do you want
your poker lessons?

Uh, next week.
I could take you to lunch.

We could, uh, put you
on my expense account.

You could teach me when
to bet and when to fold.

How about a cheeseburger right now?

Now? That's a possibility.
You know, we could do this...

Hello?

Yes?

Where are you?

Is everything okay?

Really? No, I could. Sure.

I could. Yeah. I need, I need,
you know, five minutes or so.

Okay. Yes, yes, I know
where it is. Okay. Hold on.

I can't do it. I have to... My wife...
I have a little thing I have to do.

I'll do the cheeseburger
with ya next week or something.

Story of my life.

What do you mean you snuck
into his apartment? Are you nuts?

Stop being such a fuddy-dud.

- A fuddy-dud? What are you talking about?
- Yeah.

That's a crime. You can't do that.
That's burglary. Breaking and entering.

What has gotten into you lately,
for crying out loud?

- Save a little craziness for menopause.
- It was a cinch.

- I took the key, and I just let myself in.
- Look, I don't wanna...

You'll wind up rooming with John Gotti.
You can't do that.

You can't just steal the key
and go into somebody's apartment.

Listen, he's not going snorkeling
with his brother, okay?

I don't wanna know.
I don't wanna be an accessory.

He's going to Paris to a fancy hotel
with a woman named Helen Moss.

- Tell Ted. I don't wanna know.
- I told Ted.

- You told Ted before you told me?
- Yeah, 'cause he's more open-minded.

Yes, I know, I'm... I'm a bore,
'cause I don't break the law.

- I live within the Constitution.
- Listen, plus he got rid of the urn.

- I don't want to hear.
- He talked on the phone with a woman.

- How do you know?
- He came back while I was there.

- He did?
- Yeah, but I hid under the bed.

- You hid under his bed?
- He didn't see me at all.

I cannot believe this.
My stomach is curdling.

He was very lovey-dovey
with this bimbo.

He kept saying stuff like, you know,
"Don't worry, it's gonna be all right.

We're gonna be together."
That kind of thing.

But what would you have done
if he found you out?

- I couldn't think that far ahead.
- You're talking two seconds.

He could have looked under the bed
and there you are.

Larry, listen. And then, listen to this.
He calls this woman back.

- Probably this Helen Moss woman, right?
- I don't wanna know. Leave me alone.

When he calls her back,
she's not there.

Then he leaves this message,
and he says,

"Tell her Tom called."
Know what I'm saying? Tom!

- Tom, Larry.
- I know, I get it. His name is Paul.

- But I don't care. I don't wanna hear.
- Okay, well, I'll tell ya.

I thought I did... I thought I did
a great job and so did Ted.

I don't think a private eye
could have done any better than me.

I put everything back where I found it.
I was very careful.

- I made one mistake.
- What?

I left my reading glasses on his table.

Oh, hello, hi. I thought I'd
bring you some chocolate mousse.

I know how much you
enjoyed the last dessert.

Thank you.

I thought I'd give you, you know,
another shot at something delicious.

You want me to serve that for you?

Because you should
have it while it's still fresh.

Get some plates and you can divide
it up and we can all have some.

- That's a great idea.
- I'll get some plates.

That'd be really good.
Okay, here, I was here.

Right in here
somewhere. The first... Wait.

How are you doing? You need...

- You need any help?
- No, I'm fine. I'll be right in.

Okay, great.
You're gonna ruin everything.

What are you doing?

What?

Are you okay? Can... Can...
Can we do anything for you?

- Coffee or tea?
- Tea! I'd like to have tea.

- You know, I found your glasses.
- Mine?

- These are yours, aren't they?
- Yes! No!

- No, no, no.
- They are. These ones are.

- They are mine. Honey, they're mine.
- What a coincidence.

You know what happened? The other
night I must have left them here.

- Did you? I didn't notice that.
- It's the strangest thing.

Because remember, you were saying that
you thought I left them at your mother's.

- Left them at my mother's.
- That's right.

- That mousse looks fabulous.
- It's so good.

Are you looking forward to going
snorkeling in the Caribbean?

Very much.

It's funny, I found those glasses
under my bed.

I must have dropped them
and they probably got kicked under.

Kicked under, right. What she'll do,
she'll always drop things...

- and she'll kick them around the house.
- They fall...

- The mousse?
- I'd love to have some mousse.

You kicked mousse under the bed
in the house. Remember that?

- I remember.
- It took six months to get the...

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- The traffic's murder.
- Where are we going?

I looked up Helen Moss
in the phone book.

- It was just H. Moss.
- Right.

So I...

It's on Bank Street. We're gonna
go down there and do surveillance.

I got a whole lot of food.

- There's her house.
- Right. So we should just sit and wait.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Maybe he thought that if he...
he divorced her,

she'd hit him for a ton of alimony.

Or maybe, maybe she controls
the family fortune.

Yeah, maybe we're wrong, Ted.
Maybe we're just, you know...

Maybe she died of natural causes
like the doctor said.

And we're just two people
with hyperactive imaginations

whose lives need a shot of adrenaline.

Does yours? I'll tell you,
mine needs something.

Yeah? What's that there?

A jelly doughnut.
You want a jelly doughnut?

Ooh!

Come on, come on,
you gotta get into it.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God, look, look!

- What, what, what? Look what?
- Look, look, look!

Helen! Helen! Duck, duck.

- Duck, oh, God.
- Helen!

- It's not her.
- It's not her?

No, it's not her.

- What?
- Oh, God.

You really have this...
worked out, don't you?

Figured she'd come out
and go to work, you know?

Maybe she doesn't work. Maybe she's
like you and she has writer's hours.

I'm writing a play about something
that happened to you and me.

Oh, God. Oh, dear. What?

Remember that time you and I
and Larry and Julie...

were all on that
eating tour of France?

- Oh, God, yeah.
- And they wandered off.

They forgot to pick us up

and we had to share that
bed and breakfast place.

Right. Do you remember
those wonderful cottages?

And I remember that
we shared a bedroom together.

- Yeah, but not a bed.
- No, not a... Well...

God, you were too
gentlemanly to suggest that.

- Well, it's not that I didn't think of it.
- No?

I knew what was
going on in your mind.

'Cause of the way you kept plying me
with Chateau Margaux, remember?

Could have been our little secret.
Then you passed out.

Well, you...

Yeah. God.

It seems like
a long time ago, doesn't it?

Not that long ago.

- Look, look, look.
- Oh.

- Helen! Duck, duck, duck.
- Oh, God, yeah.

- She didn't see us. She didn't see us.
- No?

- That's gotta be her. I'll bet it's...
- Are you sure?

- She answers to Helen.
- She answers to Helen. She's pretty.

- Yeah.
- She's... What's she doing?

- She's getting a cab.
- She's getting a cab.

- Keep down. Keep down.
- Okay, don't worry. Don't worry.

- I'm gonna follow her.
- All right.

- Watch your step.
- Oh.

- Very steep. Be careful.
- Oh, this is beautiful.

- Isn't it?
- Yeah.

We only show revivals now.
This week we have Fred Astaire.

Mm-hmm.

Next week we have
an Orson Welles festival.

Oh, yeah?

That'll be about the last thing
we do before we start renovating.

- Oh. Oh, Paul.
- Oh, come on. There's nobody around.

- Come on.
- Okay.

I've never been behind
a movie screen before like this.

- Strange, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Used to be a first-run house when the
neighborhood was better. Beautiful, huh?

- Look around.
- All these mirrors.

It used to be all mirrors
and it was quite beautiful.

I'm having all this
broken glass replaced

as we go along with this renovation.

You know, they used
to have stage shows here.

Now, of course,
we only show old movies.

- It has such a lonely feeling.
- That's 'cause I'm the only one here.

- And my assistant, Mrs. Dalton.
- Oh.

I'm gonna have this place fixed up,
then I'm gonna sell it.

The money's gonna come in handy.

It sure will.

- What's that noise?
- Where?

- Oh.
- Oh, Mrs. Dalton.

- I didn't know you were here so early.
- I didn't know anyone was here.

I'm sorry. I... I heard the noise
and I thought...

- It's quite all right. Quite all right.
- I apologize.

I'd love to really get an acting job.

- I've had it with this modeling.
- Maybe you won't have to work at all.

Oh, geez. Oh.

Oh, my God.

- What's the matter?
- Larry, come with me, okay?

- Oh, Jesus, I was fast asleep.
- Come on.

- I was dreaming of round card girls.
- Okay, looks like he's gone.

- Yeah, yeah, he's gone.
- Oh, Christ, not that again.

Listen, Larry, I want to take
another look around his apartment.

What are you talkin' about?
Where are you goin'?

- Listen. He'll never be back.
- It's 1:00 in the...

What?

He's not coming back
for at least an hour.

- What you do? You got his key?
- Yeah.

You're kidding. What are you
talking about? You can't do...

Why, 'cause you followed him
to the movie house?

You said there was nothing happening.

Wait a minute. He was with
this young model type.

- And they were talking about money.
- Well, so what?

- So, that's the motive.
- What... Hey, listen to me. Come here.

- What are you talking about?
- Come here. Wait a minute.

I've been thinking about you.
I think you gotta see...

- You gotta go back to your shrink.
- Huh? But, I...

- I want you to see Dr. Ballard again.
- I went for two years.

I know, but... You know how
General Motors will recall defective cars?

- You gotta go in for a tune-up.
- We'll be in and out in five minutes.

- No. I'm telling you, I'm your husband.
- Five, only...

- I command you to sleep, sleep.
- No, I...

- I command it. I command it.
- All I can tell you is,

if this had been a few years ago,

you would have
been doing the same thing.

'Cause if you recall,
we solved a mystery.

Yep, we solved a mystery once.
Remember?

Yes.

- It was the noises in the attic mystery.
- In the country house.

The bluebird, I know, but that was
a sweet mystery. This is murder.

Well, that... You agree, right?

- It's murder, Larry.
- No, no, I forbid you.

I forbid you to go. I'm forbidding...
Is that what you do when I forbid you?

If that's what you... I'm not gonna be
forbidding you a lot, if you do...

- Oh, damn it.
- Don't do this.

We should be asleep now in one
of our many cuddling positions.

- Please be quiet, Larry. Be quiet.
- This is wrong.

You're gonna wake up
the neighbors, okay? Okay, I got it.

This is no good,
I promise you.

This could only lead
to great unhappiness.

Relax, okay?

I can't relax.
I'm in a strange man's apartment...

- in my, my T-shirt and pajamas.
- Don't worry about it.

- Now, Ted told me to try something here.
- What do you mean, Ted told you?

- Who? Ted? What is he, your mentor?
- "Last number dialed."

Ted is a sick schmuck.
He's home and we're...

- Just be quiet for a second, all right?
- What if he comes back?

- Shh!
- My heart is...

- Larry!
- Waldron.

- Uh, who?
- Who is this? Who do you want?

Who's this? Do you know anybody
named Waldron? Waldron?

Hang the phone up!
Hang the phone up now!

- Oh, great, they hung up on us.
- Good!

- Just let me think for a second. Waldron?
- I wanna go home.

- I wanna go back to bed.
- Helen Moss. Okay, he used the name Tom.

So, Tom Waldron.
We gotta run a check on that.

Run a check? What,
beat it down to the morgue?

You got all the jargon.

- Where are you going?
- Come on.

- I'm not a night person. I don't wanna be...
- Shh!

- I don't know what I'm looking for.
- Oh, wait.

What? What do you want to do?
Go through the guy's mail.

- This is insane. Oh, Jesus!
- What do you mean?

- Oh, Christ!
- Well, clean it up. Hurry up.

What do you mean, clean it up?
What am I gonna do, vacuum?

Put it under the rug
or something like that.

I can't! It's a wall-to-wall carpet.
I broke his, his porcelain...

- Well, glue it. Glue it back tog...
- What do you mean, glue?

- What are you talking about?
- Look. Look.

- What?
- Look!

So what, gloves? I have gloves.
They keep my fingers warm.

But do you keep yours out on
the bureau in this kind of weather?

- Let's get outta here.
- I think something's very strange here.

He left these out and ready. I think
the whole thing is really sinister.

It's the eye of the beholder. You have to
go to the eye doctor, get happy glasses.

I'm gonna take these pieces
with us and we'll get rid of them.

How did you like
your birthday cake, Nick?

I loved it.
Then again, I love chocolate anything.

- He likes chocolate.
- I know. I know.

- What are you laughing about?
- If only he could stay in town.

If only you could stay in town
just a couple more hours.

I was going to, but they're
working us hard at school, I can't.

I gotta get right back.

I'm gonna take him to
Brooks Brothers for his present.

- Your mother's going to a wine tasting.
- You want something from Brooks?

- She's going to a wine tasting.
- If I'm going to be...

a restaurant owner, I should know
something about wines.

- Larry?
- Hi.

- Hey, I want you to meet somebody.
- What?

- This is... This is...
- Hi, Larry.

- Hi, how are ya?
- Good. How're you doin'?

- This is my wife.
- Honey, I'm here. I'm right...

- Carol. Remember me?
- You snuck around. This is Marcia Fox.

My son, Nicky. He's in town.
It's his birthday.

So we took him to 21.
It's a tradition we have in the family.

Oh, that's great.
Oh, your friend called me.

He's taking me to dinner in New Jersey
next week. Some Mafia joint.

I fixed her up with Ted.
He's going to take her...

- Oh, you did?
- Yeah. The place we ate at.

- Well, very nice.
- He's a lot of fun.

- You'll have a very good time.
- Great.

- Good to see you. Take care.
- Good to see you.

- It's great. She'll have a great time.
- So that's Marcia Fox?

- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.

- What are you making a face for?
- You think she's Ted's type?

She's anybody's type.
She's brilliant, talented.

- Yeah, you, you got your bag.
- You know, your pupils are dilating.

She's dangerously sexual. Listen,
when you go to the wine tasting, honey,

getting back to real life,
spit it out, okay?

- Don't drink too much, Mom.
- What do you mean? Nick!

They spit it out at a wine tasting,
because I don't want you...

to be laying by the bathroom floor
with your head by the bowl tonight.

That Mouton '45, that was...

- You love it?
- Oh, that was like sublime.

And the inexpensive Spanish one,
wasn't that a nice surprise?

- Very, very nice.
- Wasn't that great?

Look at these paintings.

- So, Larry fixed you up with Marcia Fox?
- I love that blue one.

- His favorite writer.
- Yeah, well, he says she's wonderful.

I'm... I'm trying to do everything
I can to get out and meet people.

- Sure.
- I'm not looking forward to this.

- You takin' her to Vincent's in Jersey?
- Yeah, I guess.

- She's not my first choice.
- No?

God, look at this.
Oh, that park is so beautiful.

- I can't have my first choice.
- No? Hmm.

I'm gettin' drunk.
I don't know what I'm saying.

You're getting... So am I.
I don't know about this...

Oh.

Gonna be late for my shrink.
I gotta...

- Gotta go, huh?
- Yeah.

Okay.

You know,
you would be my first choice.

- Me, huh?
- Yeah.

Well. Oh, boy.

Uh, can I give you a lift?
You, uh... I'm gonna go east.

Thanks. No, I think I'll
stick around. I need to think.

- I feel a little, you know, tipsy.
- I didn't offend you, did I?

No! No, no, no.
You didn't offend me, no.

I was very, uh, flattered by this, Ted.

Flattered Well, anyway.

- See you. Oops, careful.
- Sorry. Excuse me.

Ah. Oh.

Excuse me.

I got a great sweater at
Brooks Brothers today, for Nick today.

Really beautiful. It's cashmere.
Very expensive.

The kid looked
so handsome in it, though.

Also, I decided I'd cook dinner tonight.
My one-dish tuna casserole.

- No wonder he had her cremated.
- What?

Mrs. House.

Oh, Jesus. You're not on
about Mrs. House again.

I thought we'd have a light dinner
because we had a rich lunch at 21.

Larry... I just saw Mrs. House.

What? What are you
talking about? The ashes?

No. No, no, a bus,
it passed me and she was on it.

- I mean... Yeah.
- The dead woman passed you on a bus?

- Which bus was this, the bus to heaven?
- No, but I'm, I'm not joking.

I'm telling you something.
I really saw her. I actually saw her.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Yeah.

- You wanna lie down?
- No.

We'll put a cold compress on your head
or a hot compress on your back.

Larry, you know, I was
at the wine tasting, right?

And I was sitting at, you know,
a bay window. I... I happened to look out.

- A bus passed... And...
- Remember I said to you?

- She was on it, Larry.
- Remember I said to you, "Spit it out"?

I said, "Don't drink it." You said you
were going to taste wine all afternoon?

- Yeah.
- I said, "Spit it out, don't swallow it."

You swallowed it,
and that's why you're this way.

Yeah, I had a few drinks,
but it's not... I mean, I saw her.

Yeah, I'm sure you saw her.
How could you see her?

She's dead. Not only is she
dead, she's been cremated.

It's not even Halloween.

Are you telling me that I didn't see her?
Is that what you're saying?

I think it's a pretty fair assumption
that if a person is dead,

they don't suddenly turn up
in the New York City transit system.

I just don't know what's happening, Larry.
I don't know what's goin' on.

What's going on?
Let me put it this way.

Total psychotic breakdown.
Okay? Is that enough?

Maybe she's a twin.
That's possible. Now forget this.

Taste my tuna casserole.
Tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

You're getting so
closed-minded these days.

I just... Oh, God!

Hello? Ted! Ted. Ted,
you're not gonna believe this.

But I... Ted, I saw Mrs. House.

Yeah, Mrs. House. Yeah, Mrs...
The murdered woman, right.

She wasn't murdered.

- Yeah.
- It was a coronary, folks.

- No, no. Yeah. No, I'm sure.
- She wasn't murdered.

- I don't know what she's talking about.
- No, I'm sure. She was on a bus.

- Give her any wine.
- I saw her moments after you left.

- He was at the wine tasting.
- I'm sure. Would you? Would you really?

Oh, that would be so great.
If you'd just run a check...

- ...on Paul and Lillian House.
- Don't run a check!

- What are you doing?
- Can you call back later?

My marriage is falling apart.

- Larry, what are you...
- Forget it, will you?

If you're gonna have an affair with the
guy, you don't need a murder to do it.

- I'm telling you I saw Mrs. House!
- Yes, I know, on the bus.

The dead persons' bus.
No carfare. Sit down.

Now look. Just... I can tell you. I can
show you the exact spot, Larry. Huh?

- What about lunch? Tomorrow?
- I'm not gonna see the exact spot.

- On your lunch hour?
- No, I've a business lunch tomorrow.

- I'm not interested.
- I mean, this is such a shock!

- Come on, will you eat something?
- I'm just vibrating from this.

- We got tickets to the theater.
- I saw this woman. I'm not going.

We've been holding these
tickets for two months now.

Do you comprehend the enormity
of what I'm telling you, Larry?

If you've got a big story,
tell it to the police.

- Don't tell it to me.
- What am I gonna say to them?

- Tell them this whole cockamamy story.
- What story?

I don't have a story. I mean,
I got nothing. Unless... Oh.

- That's right, you got nothing.
- Unless... Unless I locate her.

- Yeah, okay, good.
- Huh? Okay?

Sit down 'cause we're going to the
theater. I don't care what you say.

Oh, Jack, Jack? You were there when
Mrs. House died, right? You saw her?

- Right. You saw her lying there, right?
- Yeah, sure.

- Yes, she was lying on the floor.
- You're sure it was her, right?

He said it was laying on the floor.

- She was in a bag. Yeah.
- My wife's been having some bad dreams.

She doesn't know
what she's talking about.

Yeah.

This is for all the times
I call you to fix the faucet

and you show up six months late.

Thanks.

- The super is a drunk.
- Shh.

I know, but... we've seen him smelling
of Jack Daniels, remember?

- Yeah, but...
- Well...

I mean, I know he didn't
see Mrs. House, Larry.

- If she's a twin, it's a different story.
- Yeah.

- But you don't seem to feel she is, so...
- Well, I don't know.

Oh, I know!

Unless he's in on it.

- Who's in on it? The super?
- Yes.

- The super can't change a fuse.
- Shh.

- I mean, she...
- What?

Well, she's alive. And my question is:
Who was in that bag?

- She's not alive unless she's a twin.
- I mean, somebody...

- Okay? Now keep quiet.
- Look, somebody...

Somebody got cremated,
Larry. Somebody.

Shut up.

- Lillian House.
- Right.

Maiden name, Lillian Beale.

- Born in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, 1935.
- Uh-huh.

Married Paul Richard House.
She was not a twin.

Had an older sister who, uh,
went to England 20 years ago...

So goes Larry's theory.
I told him I saw her.

- ...and an older brother who died in 1987.
- Right here. This is it.

- This is where we were.
- And I was sitting there after you left.

I was having a glass of,
you know, wine,

and I looked out the window
and I saw the...

- Right here. Yes.
- You saw her after I left?

I saw her on a bus.
It was passing.

- You... It was like...
- You're absolutely sure you saw her?

- You saw her face?
- I'm positive I... I saw her.

Whoo, excuse me.

- I'm telling you, Ted.
- What was the number on the bus?

I don't know what the number was,
but it was heading west to east.

- So it was it was a crosstown bus.
- All right, okay, look.

- It's a crosstown bus. Okay, so look.
- Right.

The end of the line
is a few blocks down there.

- Then, it's like... Her destination...
- She had to get off somewhere.

- was probably the next five or six blocks.
- Yeah, right.

So let's, let's look around.
We'll see some... Like, uh, you know...

- A clue or something. Or something.
- Okay.

Maybe we'll see her.
You're sure you saw her face?

Don't doubt me, okay?

- Okay, okay. No, no, no.
- I'm not kidding.

Oh, God. Well, I think we've
reached the end of the line.

I think this is it.

- I don't think... There's noth...
- Look, the bus.

- Watch out, watch out.
- Yeah, what? Oh. Whoo.

Yeah, look. See? See,
he's turning here. That's it.

- Yeah, I know.
- That's all there is here.

Well, what do you think? Do you
think we should retrace our steps?

- You, you wear a tie with a dress.
- No, I don't think it looks good.

- It'd look great on you.
- I feel like it'd be too masculine...

- if I wore it with pants.
- Just don't wear it with pants.

- What?
- Ted, look

- At what? What?
- That hotel.

- What about it?
- Well, that's... the Waldron.

Remember
I... I was in his apartment,

I pressed the number
"last number dialed."

- You're kidding.
- They answered the phone...

- and said... "Waldron."
- You got a quarter?

Hello, Mrs. House, please.

Mrs... Mrs. House. Can you
ring her room for me, please?

- Well?
- Really? Wh-Wh...

Maybe... Well, maybe she checked out.

No... Nobody. Nobody at all.

- Uh... what about...
- What about...

Yeah, what about, uh, Helen Moss?

Moss. You're sure?

Nobody... Nobody at all?

All right, okay, I'm sorry.
All right. Thank you.

Great. Oh, God, it looks
like it's gonna rain again.

Well?

If I get two kings, I take one.
Otherwise, I fold.

- Got it?
- So... I never go out.

- I... I-I just, I can't take...
- That's how you wind up on welfare.

I need the action for some reason.
I... I can't...

- I bet anything. Okay? No, no.
- Cut?

I trust you. Lay it on me.

You seem in a strange mood.

No, no, no. I'm probably
just a little drunk.

On Perrier?

No. What are you talking about?
I had rum cake.

- Want any cards?
- Uhhh...

just let me see
what possibilities I got here.

Uh, yeah.
I'm gonna have, uh...

I'll have, uh...

- I'll have, uh, four cards. Yeah.
- Four?

Cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Inside and outside straight.

You're in trouble now.

I can't escape the feeling
that... my, my wife...

is becoming attracted
to somebody else.

- And it's really bothering me.
- Really?

Yeah. That's why
I'm not playing my best.

This guy's, you know,
more adventurous than I am,

and for some reason they
just seem to hit it off.

I'm gonna be very lonely if,
uh, you know, this happens.

- You must love her a lot.
- Yeah, I do. I do.

If you wanna hold onto her,
you have to make some effort.

- Who's the guy?
- Well, uh... Um...

- Ted, the guy that I fixed you up with.
- Ted?

Yeah.

Well, we can always switch.
Ted gets Carol, I can be your date.

M- Maybe I should actually make
a greater effort with Carol.

So, you bored?

Well, it's more fun
than the Wagner opera.

Yeah, well, to me...
I mean, just... I mean,

it's just one of the most exciting
adventures I've ever been on.

Mm-hmm. Would you
rather be here with Ted?

Well, he has a more enthused
attitude, Larry. It...

- More enthused?
- Yeah, enthused. Well...

Well, he's a fun guy.
He's a light guy, I'm a heavy guy.

Ted would be fun
on a scavenger hunt.

- You used to be a lot of fun.
- He's the guy you want.

If you really have a heavy
scavenger hunt, he's the man.

I know, but, well, you use...

Do you know that
this neighborhood was...

where I first took you out on a date
when we first started going out?

Just for some reason, you've gotten
so stodgy in your old age. You know?

Remember there was a movie
house right on this corner?

- Yeah, I remember.
- Not to change the subject.

I took you to see Last Year
At Marienbad on our first date?

I had to explain it to you
for the next six months.

Who knew they were flashbacks?

Look, Larry, look. We've got
plenty of time to be conservative.

You know what I'm saying?
Don't you see? It's...

It's like this tantalizing plum
has just dropped into our laps.

I mean, life is just such a dull routine,
and here we are, right?

I mean, we're on the threshold
of a genuine mystery.

Are you gonna burst into song here?
We're in a car.

Just don't make fun of me, okay?
Because I'm open to new experiences.

Let me ask you
a personal question here.

Did you ever sleep with Ted?

- Sleep?
- Don't get nervous.

- Yeah. You guys...
- What, are you nuts?

We went on an eating tour
of France together.

You two guys spent
an evening together.

- Yeah, right. I know...
- At that place, you know.

Yeah, but what about you? Remember?
You spent the evening with Julie.

- Right? You spent the night and shared...
- That meant absolutely nothing.

She hated me. Julie despised me.
You know that.

She thought I was a lowlife and a wimp
and a vermin and a roach.

Just jump in anytime you
want to defend me, you know.

Hey, I'm waiting for you to say
something I don't agree with.

Hey, you're nailing me. Jesus.

Larry?

Larry, Larry, look, it's her!
I'd say it's her!

- Oh, my God, it is.
- Yeah, you see what I mean?

- So I was right all along, wasn't I?
- Are you sure?

- I'm positive. Yes.
- Are you sure?

- Oh, my God!
- Right?

- Right? I mean I was...
- I'm... Jesus, I'm sh...

- I know. Well, come on. Yeah, I know.
- That is her. Are you...

I told you so.

What do you mean, you told...
What are you talking about?

- You're nuts, honey. Look, you're white.
- Jesus, I'm flabbergasted!

- You're completely white.
- All the blood rushed to my brother.

Larry, let's get out there.
Let's find out what's goin' on.

No, I don't want to.

Oh, come on. You're not
afraid of her, are you?

You're not afraid of Mrs. House.

No, she's an old woman,
and I'm a virile male.

And yet, somehow, I am scared.
I don't know why.

Maybe because she's dead.

I tell you, I'm gonna break
this thing wide open.

Well, how?
What do you want to do?

- If only Ted were here with us.
- Oh, don't give me Ted.

Let's get out of here.

- No, wait. I got an idea.
- What?

I know what we should do.
We should get a gift.

We'll surprise her.
We'll sneak into the hotel.

- Come on. Yeah, no. Come on.
- How? How?

- Uh, excuse me. Hi.
- Hi.

We were just wondering... uh,
did you see a woman come in?

She was a little woman about 5'3".
She had on a gray sweater.

- Older woman?
- With a canvas bag and an umbrella.

- Mrs. Caine? Dark hair?
- Uh-huh. Mrs. Caine.

- Oh, yes, that's her. Yes.
- Mrs. Caine. Uh-huh.

We had a present for her.
We wanted to surprise her.

- Yes, that's right. What room...
- Uh, 611.

- 611. Really, thanks a lot.
- Okay, sure.

Yeah, we may need some
information while we're here, so...

I'll take very good care of you
if you play ball with us.

What are you making a face for?
He's the father of our country.

- Will you come on?
- I'm coming. I'm coming.

Okay, um... 611.

- 607.
- It's very nice.

I love a hotel that's got lots of blue
powder sprinkled along the baseboard.

611. Here. Larry.

- Um, Mrs. House?
- Mrs. House?

Oh, um...

- M-Mrs. House?
- Hello?

Hello? Mrs. House.

- I don't think she's...
- My God, I don't... I don't see her.

This may not be the right place.

Just hold on, Larry.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

There's nothing here.

Larry! Oh, my God,
wait a minute!

Oh, my God! Look. Mrs. House?

- Oh, Mrs. House? Hello? Mrs... Oh!
- What's the matter?

- Oh, Larry, oh, I think she's dead.
- What? What's...

- T-T-Try giving her the present.
- Yeah. Oh, my God. Mrs. House?

- Come on, let's get out of here!
- Larry, I think she's dead.

- I'm gonna run the Boston Marathon.
- Oh, my God! Oh!

- Okay. Oh, God!
- This woman is forever dying.

Come on, come on.
Move, move.

Adrenaline is leaking
out of my ears.

- Get down those stairs. Quickly.
- Okay, all right.

And then what happened
was I suspected Mr. House.

He runs a movie house.

We walk in,
I'm looking around the place...

I saw her on this bus.

Her hand is on the floor.
You could see it.

She has no twin at all.

She was laying there...
blue in the face.

- So we were sitting there.
- I tried to keep calm as best I could.

- There's nobody up there.
- What do you mean?

There's no body there. You
wanna show us where you saw it?

We just saw her there.

- Mike, check the basement.
- Larry, didn't we... Yeah, come on.

- She was totally dead.
- She's there.

She was right here
lying right this way.

She was definitely laying here.

Because... She was there,
do you understand?

It looks like she was strangled.

- Not that I'm an expert on violent death.
- We're two professional people.

- I work at Harper's. I'm in publishing.
- Yeah, that's right.

And I'm looking to start
a little restaurant, basically French.

- International cuisine would be fine.
- She's a fantastic cook.

- I'm against the restaurant myself.
- Calm down. Calm down!

Obviously what happened is,
in the time it took to respond,

somebody came here
and removed the body.

Not that you didn't respond quickly.
It took three minutes.

Not counting the half hour
that the operator at 911 took

to understand what I was saying.

Nobody's doubting you, okay?
We're going over the whole building.

- All right?
- All right.

Did you check everything? Oh?

Mr. House, he's been at
his place of business all day.

- Any witnesses?
- Uh-huh, backed up and corroborated.

- You didn't use our names, did you?
- No, we didn't.

No. Okay.

If you saw his wife,
shouldn't you tell him?

No, I'm...
He's in on some sort of scheme here.

We think you should
come down and file a report.

This way, if anything turns up,
we got it on record.

Take a card, give us a call,
have a good day.

Thank you. Thanks very much.
Thanks very much.

- I gotta have a drink. Gotta calm myself.
- Where is Ted?

- I need 14 Xanax or something.
- I don't understand where Ted is.

- All this stuff is happening.
- Ted? Ted's got his date tonight.

He's probably out
buying some Spanish fly.

I think Helen Moss might be
in on this. I think so.

Helen? I don't know...

I don't want to know about this.
We should change our lives.

Think about it.

We should move out of that
stupid apartment. Start over.

- Maybe in Mexico. Sell blankets.
- No, no, no.

We'll work off the hood
of the car or something.

I'm just beginning
to come down.

I didn't know what's happening.
It's like one of those TV shows,

where you open the door
and you see a dead body.

I always hated those shows.

Yeah. You know, I've never seen
a dead person before in my life.

The only one I ever saw was my
Uncle Morris who was 94 years old.

He collapsed from too many
lumps in his cereal.

Larry, is this the most exciting thing

that's ever happened to us
in our whole marriage?

This is too exciting. I don't need this.
I'd like something...

I'd like a fishing trip
or Father's Day, you know...

or the time we saw Bing Crosby
walking on Fifth Avenue.

I don't need a murder to...
enliven my life at all.

You know, whoever did it was probably
still in the room while we were there.

Probably hiding in the closet.

Make sure and tell me that
just before I go to sleep.

- That'll be good for me.
- But that means he probably saw us.

Great. I'll never get my eyes closed.
What do you want me to do?

I'm petrified. Not only that,
but I'm a little drunk.

I wonder who was cremated.
Who was it?

Well, it was...

You know, obviously
it wasn't Mr. House...

- 'cause he has an alibi.
- Oh, yeah, but I don't buy that.

Mmm. She doesn't buy it.
She doesn't buy the alibi.

Let's get out of here.
I want to go home.

Jesus, it's starting to rain again.
Can you believe that?

Oh, God.
If only Ted were with us.

He would've had a million
theories about this.

- Ted's got a mind like a steel sieve.
- Oh, right.

You know what I think?
I think it's possible...

- That room was on the end of the hall.
- Yeah?

- It's right up there. That's the room.
- Yeah, I know.

What if they got the body
out over that little roof?

- What are the lights? Larry, the lights!
- Oh, Jesus!

- Yeah, that's eerie, isn't it?
- This gave me the chills, honey.

- Yeah, well, let's call the police.
- Oh, no, no, no. Come on.

- Let's check it out. We don't have time...
- Check it out?

- I'm not gonna check that out.
- No, but look at it, Larry!

- There's lights going on there.
- Yeah, I know, I know. That's crazy.

Why don't we go home and nap and call
the police and they can check it out.

The police are red tape.
Come on, this is my case, honey.

What do you mean, your case?

- Yes, it's my case!
- No, I don't want to do this.

- Oh, God, if only Ted were with us.
- Hey, don't give me Ted.

- Ted would be shaking in his boots.
- Oh!

I'm at least just trembling like a leaf.

Um, excuse me, we're
with the police department.

We'd like to, uh, check out
room 611, please.

You were here before.

- That's right, yes. Uh-huh. Yeah.
- You are police?

- Um, uh, just... Show him your card.
- My what?

Y- Your card.

- Your police identification card.
- Oh, yeah, I...

You know, your card.
He's got his card.

- Okay.
- Thank you very much. 611?

- I'm sorry.
- Okay, great.

Is there any trouble?

No, no, no, no. I'm, I'm,
I'm a detective. We...

They lowered the height requirements,
so I... I'll take this card back.

- They're expensive.
- Come on.

Okay.

- Be careful.
- Telling me to be careful.

Now just don't upset
anything, okay, Larry?

I'm not upsetting anything.

I'm just gonna leave
a set of fingerprints...

so if there's a trial
we can get trapped.

All right, now look. The murderer must
have, like, hid in this closet, right?

- I don't like this. Let's go.
- Right. And then...

You know, I gotta be up
early tomorrow. I gotta be in temple.

He must have dragged
the body out really fast.

- Shh.
- What?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean... I... It's...
- Oh. Hi.

You don't have to turn the bed out.
It's not necessary.

And no croissants
tomorrow for breakfast.

Here, here. Here, take this
for yourself. I like the towels.

Keep the little mints
coming on the pillow.

Oh, Jesus, Larry.

- I mean, really. Okay, now just...
- Let's go.

That's why the light was on.
This is crazy.

- We're gonna get in trouble.
- Just a second.

Let me just look around here,
just a little bit.

I did damage. Now I'll be sued.

- Larry!
- Wh-What?

Larry, look. Look.

- I think that's her wedding band, Larry.
- How do you know?

- How do I know? I saw it on her.
- You did?

- Yeah. I think so.
- Jesus.

So much for the police combing every
inch of this place. Where did you find it?

- I found it behind the door, right there.
- Oh, brother.

Let's get out of here. Come on.

Take the ring with you.
Maybe there's a pawnshop open.

Okay, okay.

Didn't I tell you the police
weren't very thorough?

They probably thought we were cranks.

Right? I mean, we got no body,

and... I mean, they must get
50 crisis calls a minute.

Why would they bother with us?

I don't know. I just know
this is very deep stuff.

We should not be here.
I'm scared. This is creepy.

You know what I mean?

Who knows who's involved?
This could go very deep.

This could be like with the Warren
Commission or something. I don't like it.

The Warren Commission.
Oh, my God!

- What is that?
- Wait a minute. Okay. Now look.

- The elevator's probably stuck.
- Why are we stopping?

- Relax now, Larry. It's okay.
- Don't tell me to relax!

- I'm a world-renowned claustrophobic.
- Everything's gonna be fine.

- Hit something. I don't like this.
- I am hitting it.

- I know, I know. It's okay.
- It's easy for you to say.

- But I can't breathe. I'm phobic.
- This is crazy.

The idea is, there's plenty
of air in this elevator.

Larry, relax. Just don't panic.

- Okay? Don't panic, all right?
- I'm not panicking.

- Now just don't worry.
- I'm just gonna say the rosary now.

Somebody'll help us. Somebody's gonna
help us. Somebody'll find us here.

- Hello? Hello!
- I don't like this.

Say something. Stop it.

- Hello? Oh, God, look, just...
- I don't like this.

I'm running over a field.
I see open meadows. I see a stallion.

Shut up, Larry. Larry,
just shut up and calm down.

I see grass, I see dirt.

Okay? You're gonna be a...
Larry, shut up. Hello, hello?

- You said, "Act like a policeman."
- I know, yeah.

- You said, "Show them your card."
- Okay, wait a minute.

- I said, "What card?"
- Here, just... Larry, boost me up.

We'll get out there.
We're gonna do it.

- I can't get through those things. No.
- Yes, we can. I can loosen it.

- It'll never open. They're painted shut.
- Larry, come on.

- They never open.
- All right, put your hand together.

- I'm breathing. I can't breathe.
- No, no, it's okay. Larry!

Larry, all I have to do
is loosen that, okay?

- I'm fainting because the air's...
- Put your hand together.

Now give me a boost, okay?
You ready? Wait a second. Wait, wait!

Oh, Jesus. You've gotta
cut down on those rich desserts.

Oh, wait a minute now.
Just wait. Wait, wait.

Let's go. My life
is passing in front of my eyes.

The worst part of it is
I'm driving a used car.

Okay, now you'd think
they'd loosen this stupid thing.

I'm scared.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, it's her!

So that's where he hid her.

Oh, Jesus. Claustrophobia
and a dead body.

- This is a neurotic's jackpot.
- Ohhh! Oh, Larry!

- Oh, no, I'm scared.
- We're going down.

Oh, God, what's happening?

- Oh, God, press up! Press up!
- Press up?

I can't see my hand.
How can I press up?

We must be heading
for the basement, Larry.

The basement. I want to get off on
the mezzanine. I'm returning shoes.

- It's dark here.
- What?

- What are you doing?
- I'm getting back on the elevator.

- I can't see anything.
- There's nothing up here.

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Hey, what are you
doing with matches?

Th-These are my matches.

- I got them at... Look.
- When were you at the Café des Artistes?

I got... Yeah, I was
with an author... an authoress.

At the Café des Artistes?

Yeah, a French,
a French authoress. An author.

Okay, all right.
Shh, shh, shh, shh. Wait.

- Shh. Try this way.
- Jesus.

I like a basement with
knotty pine and a pool table.

You know, where you can...

Hey, look, look, look.
Look. What's this?

Wait a minute, not so fast.
I don't like it here, it's dank.

Don't worry.

- There's strange noises.
- All right.

I don't know what this is. Jesus!

Ohh!

Calm down.

Calm down?
Don't tell me to calm down.

- There, I found the light.
- This... Wh... I don't... What do you...

Let me see. Where... There. Oh!

We're locked in here.
What're we gonna do?

Relax, relax, relax.

- I'll break it down. Stand back.
- Careful now.

- Don't worry. Just give me a second.
- Don't hurt yourself.

- Must be one of those new doors.
- Wait. Okay, no, no.

Over here. Let's try out here.

Oh, God, I keep hearing noises.

- Oh, what's down there?
- Where? Where you...

- Where are you going? Don't leave me.
- Let me see. It's okay.

What? Oh! Yeah, I think this is it.

- I think this is the service compartment.
- Well, come on.

- I'm trying.
- Come on, get it open.

- I got it.
- Go into a trot.

- Let's go.
- Where?

Let's go.

- Oh, wait, wait! Did you see that?
- What?

It looks like somebody's
putting a body into a car.

Jesus.

It's got a white sheet on it.
Yeah, come on.

That is... Oh, brother. Let's...

- Oh, my God! Wait. Look.
- Let's get out of here.

- Let's follow them. Come on.
- No, no, no, no.

- Yeah, no, come on.
- I don't wanna follow it.

Let's follow it. I swear,
there was a body in that car. Larry

I don't wanna follow
a car with a body in it.

- Hurry up!
- It's probably a rented car.

- There... We gotta get... Come on.
- Or a rented body.

Jesus, I ca... I can't...
I can't follow his car.

- But he's right up ahead. He's right there.
- Where up ahead?

I don't know which car I'm
following here. I'm not a good driver.

I can't chase somebody in a car.
I'm gonna have an accident.

I'll wind up hitting
a school bus or something.

Look, it's nighttime.
There's no school buses at nighttime.

Don't tell me that.
What about night school?

- You have no sense of direction.
- Not exactly 20-20 vision.

- You have no sense...
- Well, not exactly. But anyway...

- No, I do. He came right here.
- Where the hell are we?

- What is this? I don't know, but...
- I don't know. There it is!

- What? How do you know it's his car?
- There's his car right there.

- Oh, it is his car. Of Course
- It is his car.

- Let's get out.
- Be careful, okay?

Let me turn the lights off.

Be careful, be careful.
Be careful.

Look, look.

Oh, my God!
It's Mrs. House's body.

Come on. We've gotta stop it
before it gets dropped.

Oh, my God.

Good-bye, Mrs. House.

That was Mr. House.
That was definitely Mr. House.

What are we gonna do?
Come on.

- I'm gonna call the police now. And get...
- Oh, Larry, and tell them what?

This guy, you know,

he's got proof his wife died
of a heart attack two weeks ago.

We've got no body.
We've got nothing, Larry.

What, what? What's wrong?

Oh, my God. Hey.

Hello there. How are you?

- How are you?
- Could I introduce Gladys Dalton, my...

- Mrs. D... How are you?
- ...gal Friday?

- Hello. Nice to see you.
- This is Larry and Carol, my neighbors.

We were just watching
Madame Bovary. Wonderful.

- Such a sad story.
- Yeah, it is.

Sh-Sh-She gets cremated.
She gets killed at the end.

Listen, stop up for a drink
before I go on my trip.

- Love to. See you later.
- See you later. Oh, incidentally,

if you hear of anybody
who needs an apartment,

I think I may be moving.

- Oh. Well... What a shame.
- See you later. Come on, Gladys.

- Good night.
- Night.

Jesus. What a day, huh?

- I can't figure it out.
- Mm-mmm.

- It's gotta be that...
- What?

Either she's a twin or he's a twin.

- He...
- Or they're multiple personalities.

Or you're a twin or I'm a twin.

- Because I don't know what's going on.
- You're nuts.

- You know, look.
- Wait, wait. It...

Let me be logical about this.

Okay, she's not a twin.
We know she's not a twin.

- Hey.
- What are you talking about, Larry?

Stay calm. I want to
try and puzzle this out.

I'm calm. Okay but...

- She's a twin, she's not a twin.
- We're shell-shocked.

Now you're saying we're twins.
What are you, nuts?

- Calm down.
- Okay, I'm calm. I'm calm. Okay.

- Yeah, I'm gonna be logical.
- All right, all right.

The, um, first thing is this.

We came home that
night. There had been a heart attack.

What if they induced it?
Some kind ofpoison?

We never saw the body.
It had to be some other woman.

You know, some woman

who probably had some kind of
ballpark resemblance to Mrs. House.

The super says he saw her,
but, uh, he's a drunk, you know.

Mrs. House could have been hiding.

Oh.

But you remember that
you heard a noise that night.

That had to be Mrs. House
leaving to check into the hotel.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well?

- I can't sleep. I just...
- No, wait a minute, wait.

It doesn't make any sense
at all, Larry,

because suddenly he murders her.

What's it all about?

Let me... Let me call
Vincent's restaurant in New Jersey.

And why don't we go meet
Ted and Marcia

and get something
to eat and talk with them?

- At 1:00 in the morning?
- Yeah, so what?

What are you talking about?

- Ted was taking her to a show and dinner.
- You wanna schlep...

- all the way out to New Jersey...
- Hey, kid, this is the Apple.

This is the town that never sleeps.
That's why we don't live in Duluth.

That, plus I don't know
where Duluth is.

Lucky me.

- You really saw his face?
- Yes, oh, yes.

- I'm here to tell you...
- It was Mr. House. Not a question.

You could see him. There was just
no way that you could avoid it.

- To me, it's obvious.
- How do you see it?

Obvious? What do you mean?

Obvious he's committed
the perfect murder.

- What? How? What do you mean?
- Okay, look.

You have to start off with another woman

who bears some ballpark
resemblance to Mrs. House.

- Yes.
- That's what I said! I used "ballpark."

- I know, right.
- They're with this woman.

Maybe having dinner.

They don't induce a heart attack
because that's fiction bullshit.

She has a heart attack.
She drops dead spontaneously.

They had no thought of killing her.
Maybe they wished she was dead.

Why?

I don't know. Maybe
they stood to gain if she died.

They see a golden opportunity.

Mrs. House dresses her up
in her clothes. She hides.

This is my theory.
Exactly my theory.

That's right.
She checks into a hotel.

Well, we got that far with
the exception of the heart attack.

Okay, you know the husband's
planning to go to Paris

with this pretty young woman.

- Yeah.
- He's cheating on his wife.

So instead of finishing
the scheme they planned,

he double-crosses her and kills her,
taking her share of the profits.

You think Helen Moss
is in on this too, huh?

Yeah, a good chance she's aware.

Okay, but what about Mrs. Dalton?
He claims he took her to the movies.

She's his alibi. She covered for him
when he strangled his wife.

She said he was at work all day.

That's right. He introduced
her as a colleague.

- A colleague who maybe loves him.
- Oh, God.

- Wait, wait. He's cheating on her too!
- Cheating on two women?

- Yeah, it's perfect. It all fits.
- This guy doesn't look the part.

The point is, he's gotten away
with the perfect murder.

There are no bodies around
to prove anything.

And all the paperwork's strictly
aboveboard. He's home free.

Where did you find this woman?
She's a genius.

She's brilliant, but the guy...
He knows that we know.

But he doesn't care. Why should he?

Everything's been neatly disposed of.
He's home free.

Only he, and maybe his mistress,
know the truth.

Well, just...

- She's right, there's no body.
- Hold... Hold on one second.

We don't know this is true.
This is just a theory.

Yeah, but it's a great theory.

- Are you paying attention?
- It holds water. Everything fits together.

- I think it's great.
- When I come back from the ladies room,

- I'll tell you how to trap him.
- Oh, excuse me.

- Where did you find her?
- Unbelievable. Unbelievable, is she not?

- She's really something.
- Her mind, it just goes.

One idea after another,
one thing leads to another.

I'm surprised you two
didn't drool yourselves to death.

- Oh, don't be so...
- We just had a nice first date.

- I knew that they would hit it off.
- Yeah, him. Yeah, uh-huh.

What about you? You were gonna
jump into her lap. I saw you, Larry.

- What are you talking about?
- Huh?

What's wrong with you? I'm her editor.
I'm a father figure to her.

The only thing you didn't do was rub
your hands together. That was it.

You've gotta be joking. Are you
telling me that you're jealous of Marcia?

- Kids, kids, people, people.
- It's not that I'm jealous.

- What are we doing here?
- Yeah, look who's talking.

My God, I mean, you kept staring into
her eyes like she was the Dragon Lady.

What's wrong with you? You're
jealous 'cause he's interested in her?

I'm interested in her theory.

I'd just like to know if you
take all your authors to lunch...

Okay, I've got it.

Here's the story. Since he's gotten
away with it, all we can do is bluff.

As long as we have no body,
we have no case.

What do you mean?

We pretend that he slipped up
and the molten steel didn't do the job?

What do you mean?

Yeah, it's possible. He saw you there.
He knows you're onto him.

After he ran away, why couldn't
you have retrieved the body?

You're kidding! I would've wound up
with a few toes and a shoulder, maybe.

Okay, you have the body.
What does he know?

He was probably too scared
to be very lucid. He's an amateur.

He dumped the body and ran off,
and then somehow, who knows,

you two dug her out.

- Now you can send him to the chair.
- Okay, okay, just...

I like this woman. She's lurid.

Let me tell you why he's not
going to believe us, okay?

First of all, 'cause I can't
bluff or lie without giggling.

No, because if we really
had the body, why tell him?

Why not go straight to the police?

If you tell the cops,
you can't shake him down.

Oh, she's wicked.
Look... Look how this works out.

You go to the law, what do you gain?

I mean, so maybe they,
they put him in jail.

What have you got?
You haven't got anything.

But if he wants the evidence,
and he's got to pay for it...

Okay, now he's nervous, right?

Yeah, no, no, wait. There's
just so many fallacies in this.

- I can't even count them.
- What? Name one.

Name one? Okay, the guy looks us
straight in the eyes and says,

"What body? What the hell
are you talking about? Prove it."

- That's when we keep bluffing.
- What? How? What do we do?

We produce the body.

Yeah, but where are we gonna
get it? Madame Tussaud's?

Yeah.

Say we found someone
to corroborate this story.

- Someone he trusted.
- Like who?

Like his lover.
Say she called and said,

"Paul, I've just seen Lillian's body.
They want $100,000."

Why would she do that?

Remember that book
you recommended to me?

Murder in Manhattan?

Yes, Max Schindler's book.
That's right, the phone call.

I don't remember that book.
You never mentioned that book.

- No, 'cause you don't like light reading.
- Since when, Larry?

I don't know this book.
What is this book?

It's fantastic.

It would be so perfect because
she's an actress, a would-be actress.

And you're... We could use
his theater. He's a playwright.

This is so perfect. Your theater
is empty all the time anyhow.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah, thank you. That's great.

What are we talking about?
What do you mean?

Listen to this. What you do is,
we get her in for a fake audition,

and you write some lines
that don't mean anything.

And she does them and she
doesn't know what she's doing,

and we tape-record it.

- Listen to this. Then we edit it up.
- I'm listening.

- And we make one end of a phone call,
- What...

and we play it into
the phone to Mr. House.

This is in the book?

- This is perfect.
- Oh, come on!

That could never, ever work
in a million years.

You don't know what he's going to say.

In the book they use
several tape recorders.

- In the book?
- It's coordinated.

You mean you're basing your plan
on some dumb paperback?

- This is great. I like... No, it's great.
- No, really. Oh.

He's gotten away with murder.

Our only chance is to nab him
as he tries to kill again...

to cover his tracks.

It's great.
It provokes him to kill again.

Exactly. He's gotten
away with the first murder.

You know what I'm thinking,
though? In the book...

what happens is, now that
I think of it, he... he kills the,

the two people that are
working the scheme on him.

But you're not worried about that.

- Um, well, I don't know.
- It's perfect.

Either that or I've just
developed Parkinson's.

No, we can handle him.
Listen, this is incredible.

He knows you're onto him.

You shake him down,
he comes after you, we nab him.

It's great. You're wonderful.
I just... I'm amazed.

- I just...
- It's either that or he walks.

Wait, so what you're saying is...

Wait. Okay, what you're saying...
Oh, boy. You're saying...

you wanna provoke Mr. House
into trying to murder Larry and me?

Yeah. It's perfect.
You're not scared, are you?

No, no, no, I'm not scared. I just
wanna turn it over in my mind.

I just wanna check with my
clergyman before we commit.

Hi, uh, B-24, messages?

Oh, really? Audition for what?

Did he say? Okay, okay.

Wait, hold on. Let me get a pencil.

Okay.

Yeah, well, Dad, you know,
I've heard just about enough of this.

Good, that's great.
Thank you, Suzanne. Thank you.

We'll let you know.
That's Suzanne Raphael, right?

Good. Thank you.

Bye.

- This is Helen Moss.
- Hi, there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, have you, uh...
I know you just got the material,

you know, just in the...
last little while, but, uh...

h- have you had a chance
to study it, go over it a little bit?

Yes, yes, I have, but, um,
I have just a few questions.

- Sure, yeah.
- Is she divorced in this?

- Uh... yes, yes.
- Recently?

Yes. Yeah. But she's
very highly emotional.

- Yeah.
- You know, really... a lot of...

- Mmm.
- ...feeling, very strong.

- Oh. Shall I just begin?
- Hmm?

Yeah, just, you know, whenever...
whenever you feel into it.

Yeah.

- "Hello, Joe? I... I was just..."
- Uh, let me stop you right there.

I'm sorry. Uh, if you'll be...
If you'll start out more frightened,

then that'll take you
where you're gonna go.

Right, right.

"Hello, Joe?

I can't talk much now.

And if I sound strange,
don't get alarmed."

"Give me your hand. Hold on.

Try not to fall. Hold on."

- "I'm trying, I'm trying."
- "Quickly. Hurry."

"They're asking $200,000 for it. Yeah!

They say it's a Monet,
but I say it's a fake."

"Ever since Joe
came home from Vietnam,

he's cast a pall on everything.

A dark cloud, a pall."

Hello, Joe?
I can't talk much right now.

And if I sound strange,
don't get alarmed.

Hello, Joe?
I can't talk much right now.

Hello, Joe?

Ever since
Joe came back from Vietnam,

he's cast a pall on everything.

A dark cloud, a pall.

A pall.

Pall.

Pall.

Hello, Joe?

Hello, Joe?

Hello, "Pall"? I can't talk much right now.

And if I sound strange, don't get alarmed.

- Hmm, perfect. You did great, great.
- That's great.

Well, yeah, excuse me.
Hey, don't worry, yeah.

- Thank you.
- Fantastic.

- There she is.
- Where?

- You have to keep her busy all afternoon.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.

- I'll just keep improvising, okay?
- Well, it shouldn't be too hard.

She's a hungry actress,
you're a playwright with a role.

I'll talk about the play,
get her talking about the part.

Okay. Good.

I'll get her talking about her life
and background.

Stop the car, I'm gonna get out.

- We'll hook up later.
- Good luck with your side. Okay.

Listen, does anybody want
some guacamole or something?

Stop with the guacamole.

- We have to get started
with this. -30.

- He should be back from lunch.
- Yeah, all right, let's go.

Everybody's got the right tape
recorder and the right tape in?

- Yes, we do.
- All right, one second.

- So, uh... Speaker.
- Oh, this is so insane.

- Now, wait, wait, wait, there's, uh...
- I'm not nervous.

I have the contractor come in
and nobody was here.

- I'll get that. You go and call him.
- Yes, yes. All right.

Hello?

Hello, Paul?

I can't talk much right now.
And if I sound strange, don't get alarmed.

What's the problem?

They have your wife's body.
They showed it to me.

Say that again.

They have your wife's body.
They showed it to me.

Exactly who has it?
How many are there?

Your neighbors. That's right.
They want $200, 000 for it.

Where are you calling from?
There's an echo.

Are you on a speakerphone?

Hold on.

We don't have an answer.
What are we gonna do?

- Go to a different thought.
- What thought? Wait.

Shh.

You've eithergotta pay them off
orget rid of them.

Look, we can't talk about this
on the phone. Can you meet me?

Yes! They're keeping it refrigerated.

What? What did you say?

About two hours ago.

Two... What? Two hours, what?

- Hold on.
- Jesus, we're all screwed up.

Okay, let's get off as quick
as possible. We've done it.

- Well, do something. Do something.
- Shh. Um, okay. Shh.

Hello, Paul?
I can't talk much right now.

And if I sound strange,
don't get alarmed.

Look, Helen, you're not making sense.

I know you're upset, but you
have to pull yourself together.

Now, can we meet?
The usual spot.

Hold on.

Helen? Helen,
are you still there?

Helen?

- Okay, hurry up, hurry up. Okay.
- Forget it.

- Somebody press something. Come on.
- Come on, Carol. You do it.

You have no choice.
They've got the goods.

You just pay them of forget
rid of them. I have to hang up.

What's the matter, Paul?
You look all shaken up.

No, no. It's nothing.

- I worry about you these days, Paul.
- I'm fine. I'm fine.

You're different.

I said I was fine.
Will you stop interfering?

- You never used to pull away from me.
- I told you leave me alone!

I don't want to have
this conversation all the time.

Great. Right. Now, my job
is to wait exactly one hour...

and call Mr. House
from a phone booth.

- Where are you running so fast?
- I have to go home and change.

I've got an appointment
with a friend of Ted's.

- What are you so steamed up about?
- What do you mean?

I just don't understand how you could
give a book to Marcia and not to me.

What are you talking about?
We just had a big success.

What?

- Marcia likes to read what I like to read.
- Oh, right. God, yeah.

I guess it's true. We've got
nothing in common, that's for sure.

Now that Nick's grown up,
we're left facing each other.

You got stuff in common with Ted.
You can cook with Ted.

Yeah, Ted...

Or you can take your clothes off
and baste a chicken with him.

What about you and Marcia? What
does she teach you besides poker?

Mud wrestling. Is that what you
wanna hear? Nothing. I'm her editor.

I think the time has come
for us to reevaluate our lives.

- I reevaluated our lives.
- Yeah.

I got a ten, you got a six.

Listen, I think maybe I will
go back to seeing my shrink.

You don't have to.
There's nothing wrong with you

that can't be cured with a
little Prozac and a polo mallet.

I just would like to be alone
for a while. Okay, Larry?

- What are you talk...
- Just... I... Okay?

So I have, like, this really
crazy father and everything.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, he's wanted, like, in three states.
He has a terrible driving record.

So we had to move from Virginia,
then to New Jersey...

Your father is wanted
in three states for driving?

Yeah, for driving. Yeah.

So I moved to Hackensack,
and then... Well, anyway,

I was in all these different contests,

and I was even...
Miss, uh, Teenage Passaic.

- Oh, how wonderful.
- Yeah.

Was that before or after
the fourth abortion?

Well, after the fourth,
but before the drama prize.

The drama prize?

- And... Mm-hmm. Remember?
- I don't remember the... What?

"Out, out, damned spot"?
The topless Macbeth?

Oh, yeah. Oh,
for the fraternity party, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Topless Macbeth.
How could I forget that?

I was great in that.

Hello, Mr. House?
This is Larry Lipton.

I... I got a package
I think you're gonna want.

Of course,
it's gonna cost you... $200,000...

in small, unmarked bills... or...

or... large, marked ones,
if you wanna go that route.

And I have a package
you might want, Mr. Lipton.

If you ever want to see your wife
alive again, you'll do as I say.

Oh, really?
Well, I think you're bluffing.

Yeah, d-don't ever try
and bluff a bluffer.

Yeah, if you've got Carol,
put her on the phone.

Larry, Larry, help me! I'm here, Larry.

Oh, my God.
D- D-Don't hurt her!

I'll tell you exactly where to meet me.
And you bring that package I want.

Once I have it and I'm safely gone,
you'll get your wife back.

Otherwise, I'll kill her!

Yes, yes. No, no, no, I... I understand.

Yes, no, I'll be there. I'll be there. I...

Yes, I'll... I'll bring
your wife's body. She...

In the trunk of my car.
Yes, I'll... I promise. I'll be there.

I don't have his wife's body.

Bluff. Bluff.

- Where's Carol?
- First show me Lillian's body.

I... I got it.

There's no way she could have
survived that vat of molten steel.

No. No, I... I got...

- If you're not bluffing, where is she?
- Why are you so nervous?

If I don't have her,
what are you so nervous...

Where is she?

- I got her in the trunk of my car.
- Open it. Come on, now.

I... I got her.

If she's not there, I'll put
a bullet through your head.

Now open it!

Come on. Come on.

- Step back.
- No, no, I got her.

See, if I don't have her, how come
I got her ring? I got her in there.

- I think you're lying.
- No, no, no, no. Uh...

- What is this? What is this?
- I could never bluff.

I... I've lost a fortune
in cards over the years.

- Listen to me. I'm going to put a...
- I'm not a bluffer.

Let go.

That's what
Grisby thought. But, of course,

she meant to kill Grisby too,
after he'd served his purpose.

Poor howling idiot.

He never even did that.
He went and shot Broome.

That was not part of the plan.

Broome might have gotten
to the police before he died.

And if the cops traced it to Grisby,

and the cops made Grisby talk,
he'd spill everything.

And she'd be finished.
So she had to shut up Grisby but quick.

Why don't you try to understand?

He was mad.
He had to be shot.

- And what about me?
- We could have gone off together.

"One who follows his nature..."

Help! Help!

They can't see us behind the screen.

And they can't hear us
with the sound on.

- Not even a gunshot.
- Hello, Paul.

- Didn't you expect me?
- Mrs. Dalton.

You made a lot of promises
to me over the years.

And then you decided to dump me
for that young model.

- I never led you on.
- It's late for excuses.

None of you can prove anything.

So you'd be foolish to fire thatgun.

- With these mirrors, it's difficult to tell.
- Carol? Carol?

- You are aiming at me, aren't you?
- Carol?

- I'm aiming at you, lover.
- Killing you is killing myself.

- Of course, killing you is killing myself.
- It's the same thing.

But, you know, I'm
pretty tired of both of us.

My God!

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Oh, God, Larry. Oh, Larry,
I'm so happy to see you.

I was never so glad
to see somebody in my life.

Here, here.

- Are you all right?
- Get me out of this. Yes, I'm all right.

You don't know
what's going on out there.

I'll never say that life
doesn't imitate art again.

- I'm... I'm... Oh, Je...
- We gotta call the police, Larry.

- Yes, and a glazier.
- I know. Oh, God.

- Quick, quick. Dial, dial, dial.
- Dial. I know. Oh, Larry.

- Oh!
- Oh, God, Larry. Oh, God.

- Oh. Oh, God. Ow! Ow! God! Jesus!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Oh, wife mine. Wife mine.
- Hello? Oh, God.

God, it's so complicated.
I can't keep track of it all.

Oh, listen. I'll give it
to you one more time.

Mrs. House had a sister

who moved to England manyyears ago.

She changed her name when she married.
Her husband died.

She moved back to New York recently,
a very, very rich widow, but a recluse.

Mr. and Mrs. House knew
they weren't in her will.

They have her over to dinner.

She accidentally keels over.
I guessed right there.

She has a reasonable resemblance
to her sister, so they fake it,

pretend Lillian House died.

They cremate the sister,
Lillian checks into a fleabagjoint...

and for several weeks
she pretends to be her sister,

closing her accounts, liquidating
her assets, accumulating big money.

What she didn't realize
was that her husband was...

two-timing her with Helen Moss,
this pretty model.

Yeah.

So he decides not to cut her in,
and go off to... I don't know,

with his mistress, and, uh,
keep all the dough.

So... he kills Lillian, he cremates her,

pours molten steel
all over her or something...

and, uh, that's when we came
along and tripped him up.

- He had some great alibis.
- Yeah, that woman who worked for him?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Mrs. Dalton? She covered for him.

She loved him. Not that
she dreamed he was a murderer.

I wanna celebrate something.
What do you wanna do?

You wanna... wanna see what, uh,
what Larry and Carol are up to?

I think they want to be alone.

Oh, yeah. Uh, okay. All right.

Uh, you have any plans?

- You're taking me to dinner, right?
- Yeah, right. Absolutely.

- Only we can't sleep together.
- Why not?

Not, not tonight. Well, I already
slept with Helen Moss once today,

and I'm not young and active
like I used to be.

You'll do anything to catch
a murderer, won't you?

- What an experience! I'm still vibrating.
- Oh, I know.

Oh, you know, Larry,
you were surprisingly brave.

What do you mean, "surprisingly"?
You seem shocked.

- Well, I... You know...
- I'm a pretty good guy, you know.

Yeah, I know.

So where do you want to go
for dinner tonight?

Let's not eat at any restaurant
where they serve cowards.

- What are you laughing at?
- You know, Larry, I love you. I love you.

How could you ever have been jealous
of Marcia? Isn't that ridiculous?

- What do you mean?
- Don't you know I could only love you?

- You were jealous of Ted. Yeah.
- Ted? You've got to be kidding.

Take away his elevator shoes and his
fake suntan and his capped teeth,

- and what do you have?
- You.

Right. I like that.