Man of the House (1995) - full transcript

Five years ago, my dad left.

He said he loved me and my mom,
but he needed his own space.

He took his secretary along with him.

He said he needed someone
to answer his phone calls.

He promised to come visit me
from time to time...

but he was never very good
at keeping promises.

My mom was really upset.

But I told her
we still had each other.

And I'd look after her
as long as I lived.

We decided to start all over again.

A whole new life.



So we moved into a small
loft apartment downtown.

It was pretty gross at first.

But my mom's real creative,
and she turned it into a home in no time.

She even created a kind of backyard garden
on the roof where I could play.

After a while,
she got over my father leaving.

I did too.

Eventually, she started dating again.

But they were all jerks.

And they never lasted long.

And eventually, we would
go back to the way things were.

Just the two of us.

I liked it that way.

We started making a collage
from things we found on the beach...

to take our minds off everything
that had happened.



We've been doing it now
for almost five years.

My mom says
we'll finish it someday.

Up top. Right there.

Yeah, that's it.

Then two weeks ago, the worst thing
in the world happened.

My mom told me she wanted
to get married again.

Just when we get our life
back together...

she has to go and do
something like this.

You'd think by now she would
have learned her lesson.

I don't care how old I get,
I'll never understand women.

The federal district court of the state
of Washington is now in session.

The defendant will rise.

Frances James Renda...

you have been found guilty
of the crime...

of trafficking in narcotics.

Do you have anything to say to this
court before sentence is passed?

Yes, Your Honor. I wanna thank
the prosecuting attorney...

for giving me a fair trial.

And I want him to know there are
no hard feelings in spite of the outcome.

And I also wish him a lot of luck
in his future endeavors.

Your Honor, Prosecuting Attorney
would like to know...

if the defendant's remarks
are in the nature of a threat.

The prosecuting attorney
has me all wrong, Your Honor.

I'm a harmless old man.
I don't make threats.

Well, that's good,
because for a moment there...

the prosecuting attorney
was really, really scared.

That'll do, Mr. Sturges.

- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Now, if you two gentlemen are finished...

I'd like to pronounce sentence.

Frances James Renda...

it is the judgment of this court that
you serve not less than 50 years...

in the federal correctional
institute at Sheridan, Oregon.

This court is adjourned.

- All rise.
- We'll appeal this. Don't worry.

- We'll appeal.
- We'll appeal, huh?

- Congratulations, buddy.
- Congratulations, Jack. You're the best.

That's one more piece
of garbage off the street.

Mr. Renda, this way, please.

Well, that's done.
We can go.

Hey, Sturges.

You think you're pretty tough,
don't you?

Well, let me tell you something,
Counselor.

You may be on top of the situation now,
but keep in mind...

things have a way of coming' around.

Know what I mean?

Well, Joey, if you're one of
those things that comes around...

I'm gonna step on you like a bug.

You know what I mean?

- Who was that guy?
- That's Frank's son Joey.

- He looks dangerous.
- I've dealt with a hundred of these guys.

They're just cheap hoods in expensive suits.
Let's get out of here.

We got more important things
to talk about.

I'm gonna get this guy.

I thought I'd bring my stuff over
around noon tomorrow. Is that okay?

Sure.

You have room for my big ball
of used dental floss or not?

Oh, I'm sure we'll find room for it.

Been saving it since
I was three years old.

Hate to separate from it.
It must be about 400 pounds now.

What? What'd you say
you were brining?

Nothing. I just wanted
to get your attention.

You've been distracted all day.

Is it the opening of your show
or is something else bothering you?

No. No, I guess I've just been thinking
about you moving in with me and Ben.

You're not having
second thoughts, are you?

No. I want you to move in.
It's Ben.

What? It's Ben?

Wait-Wait-Wait a minute.

Ben doesn't want me to move in?

No, I guess he's just not comfortable
with the idea yet.

Oh, well, if that's all
you're worried about, relax.

I knew Ben would have
those feelings.

So I went out and I got just about
every book I could find on step-parenting.

Practically an expert.

This is all about sex, isn't it?

- Please, Ben, I'm your mother!
- You don't have to pretend.

I already know women reach
their sexual peak in their thirties.

Where'd you pick up
that kind of stuff?

Donahue.

I'm getting rid of the television set.

- Hey, how about this?
- Oh, good one.

Anyway, it's not just about sex.
I think it'd be a good idea for you...

to have an adult male
around the house as a role model.

Well, what if he turns out to be like
Dad and splits with his secretary?

He's not like your dad.

Anyway, his secretary's
about 100 years old.

Yeah, but what if he
turns out to be a...

serial killer and tries
to boil our heads in acid?

- You're stretching, Benjamin.
- That could happen.

This is just a trial period. And Jack's
gonna keep his own apartment.

So if for some reason things don't work out,
he'll go back to his place.

And you and I will go back
to the way we were.

Okay?

Did you know he actually
irons his jeans?

Yes. And I'm sure you're gonna tell me
that makes him an ax murderer.

Well, I don't know that for sure.

All I'm saying is that
a compulsion like that...

generally indicates a deeper psychosis.

I heard it on Geraldo.

Look, Ben.

I love Jack and I'd like
to have a husband again.

But you're the most
important man in my life.

And if it doesn't work for you,
it doesn't work for me.

Okay? Okay?

Yeah, okay.

But I still think he might try
and boil our heads in acid.

I knew it.

Let's see. Sturges. Sturges.

Not here.

Well, it doesn't mean
he's not a serial killer.

It just means they
haven't caught him yet.

Ben, can you give us a hand?

I've got a sore back. My doctor says
I shouldn't do any heavy lifting.

Well, perhaps you can do something light,
like make some room for Jack's things...

in the closet under the stairs.

But that's where we keep
all the stuff we collect on the beach.

Well, we can put it somewhere else
for the time being.

But it's important stuff.

It'll be fine if we
put it somewhere else.

Oh, that's okay. I don't need
to unpack all my stuff right now.

I can just hold this. It's more convenient
if I need to get anything.

No, it's no trouble.
Is it, Benjamin?

No.

It's no trouble.

Thanks, Benny. I appreciate it.

He's calling me Benny already.

I meant to tell you.
He hates to be called Benny.

No Benny? Thanks, Ben.

♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen
I know ♪

♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah ♪

- Jack! Come on, Jack!
- ♪ Strumming on the old banjo ♪

- Are you gonna be in there all night?
- ♪ I'm singing fee, fi, fiddly-I-oh ♪

♪ Fee, fi, fiddly
I-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Fee, fi, fiddly-I-oh
Strumming on the old banjo ♪

♪ Oh, Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow ♪

♪ Dinah, won't you blow
Ow! ♪

- What happened to the hot water?
- It's an old building, Jack.

Sometimes the water just cuts
right out. You never know.

Ben, I was showering.

I'm covered with soap.
Could I just come in?

What are you doing?

Ben locked me out
of the bathroom.

You don't think he did it
on purpose, do you?

Of course not.
I'll get you a towel.

Whoa! What is all this stuff?

What's wrong with this guy?
Is he decomposing or something?

Allergy medicine? Great.

He smells bad and he's a wimp.
What a role model.

Hey, Mom, where's my toothpaste?

I can't find any of my stuff!

Excuse me.

Do you guys have to do that?

Sorry. Can't resist a pretty girl.

You know what I mean, buddy?

I'm 11.
I hate girls.

Oh, right, of course.

I used to be 11 myself.
I know exactly what you mean.

Cooties, right?

Yeah, right, cooties.

Mom, I can't find my toothpaste.
I can't find anything. All my stuff's gone.

It's not gone. I put it
in the cabinet on the floor.

Well, what'd you do that for?

Because Jack's taller,
so it makes more sense...

for his stuff to be up
in the medicine chest.

But, Mom...

Oh, it's not gonna kill you for
your toothpaste to be in the cabinet.

Don't give me that face.

We all have to make adjustments
around here.

I'm the one making
all the adjustments.

Well, I'm beat.
Gonna turn in.

See you in the morning, Benny.
Oops. Sorry.

I meant Ben.
See you in the morning, Ben.

Oh, Mom, could I talk to you
for a minute, please?

I'm sorry. Ben said the thought of us
being in the same bed...

would be psychologically
damaging to him.

Did he actually use those words,
"psychologically damaging"?

He's a very bright kid.
He watches PBS.

So do I, but I don't talk like that.

I think it'll be okay in a few days.
Just let him get used to the situation.

Okay. Okay.

At least now I'm glad
I had that cold shower.

Thank you.

I knew you'd understand.

Hey, don't start anything
you can't finish.

Okay.

- Good night.
- Good night, sweetheart.

This isn't so bad.

I can live with this.

This sucks.

I'm never gonna get any sleep.

Jack, what are you doing?

Nothing. Just a little
late-night skateboarding.

What's going on down there?

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

I heard a noise.
What was it?

Oh, that was me.

I... Just trying to
get to the bathroom...

when I tripped on
that darn skateboard.

The bathroom's over there, Jack.
Have you forgotten already?

It's over here?

There it is.

Got my bearings back.
Thanks, Ben.

- Good night, Mother.
- Good night, sweetheart.

♪ Strumming on the old banjo ♪

And singing'

- What are you doing?
- Oh, morning, Ben.

For some reason, I didn't
sleep well last night.

So I got up early to make breakfast.

Uh, do me a favor. Will you come around
in here and, uh, shut this stove off?

What is all this stuff anyway?

Eggs Benedict a la Sturges, my boy.

Eggs what?

Poached eggs and slice of ham
on English muffins.

Topped off with hollandaise sauce,
most of which is on the counter.

And the a la Sturges part is...

caviar.

Does the word "cholesterol"
mean anything to you, Jack?

Well, I don't eat like
this all the time, Ben.

It's sort of a celebration.

And how about the word "recycle"?
I mean, you put the eggshells...

in with the paper instead
of the organic material.

Oh. Oh. I thought you had just
four different garbage cans.

Look, this one is for paper...

this one is for aluminum,
this one is for glass...

and this one is for
the organic materials, like eggshells.

Well, I'll just put the eggshells
over here then. No problem.

Something smells good.

- What happened here?
- I made eggs Benedict.

Jack's trying to kill us
with animal fat.

Ben and I usually just
have a little granola,

yogurt, sliced fruit in the morning.

Oh, okay, fine. I'll just dump
this stuff in with the organic material...

and whip up some granola
and sliced fruit and some yogurt.

- How's that?
- Don't bother.

I'll just pick up something
on the way to school.

- Ben, don't forget to take...
- Good-bye, Mother.

Well, I guess we're not getting off
to a very good start, are we?

Ben and I make breakfast
together every morning.

It's one of our routines.

I'll just make a list
so this doesn't happen again.

Good idea.

A lot of help you've been.

Paper only.

- Someone sure is hungry.
- Hey, Monroe, how ya doing'?

- Don't they feed you at home?
- I skipped breakfast.

My mom's boyfriend took over the kitchen,
and I walked out in protest.

Well, I could have told you
that was gonna happen. Always does.

First thing they do is take over
the bathroom and the kitchen.

Then the sofa and the TV.

My advice to you is to get rid
of this guy immediately.

It's gonna be pretty hard.

My mom's trapped in this huge love bubble.
She's not thinking clearly.

I'm telling you, man, whatever you do,
you'd better do it soon.

'Cause it's my own personal experience
that the longer a mom lives with a guy...

the harder it is to get rid of him.

Hello? Can someone get me
out of here?

Is there somebody in there?

Yeah. Can you get me
out of here, please?

- What's the combination?
- Thirty-eight...

24, 36.

Hi.

Thanks. Boy, it's tight in there.

I'm Norman Bronski, by the way.

I'm Ben, and this is Monroe.

What were you doing in your locker?

Don't you know you're supposed to be
on the outside when you lock it up?

Some big guys were making fun of me.
They stuffed me in there.

- Does that happen a lot?
- Just about every day.

Well, maybe that dorky-looking Indian
getup has something to do with it.

It's got everything to do with it.
I'm an Indian Guide.

What's an Indian Guide?

The YMCA Indian Guides is a program
designed to foster understanding...

and companionship
between father and son.

Well, uh, nice talking
to you there, Cochise.

We gotta be going.

Hey, tell me something, Norm.

Do the fathers have to
dress like Indians too?

Oh, sure. My dad wears this huge headdress
with a lot of feathers on it.

Sounds real exciting. Let's go.

- And how does one join this club, Norman?
- What?

Here's everything you need to know.

We'd be glad for you
and your dad to join us.

Our tribe's always looking
for new members.

Well, I gotta go.

Nice meeting you guys.
If you happen by this way tomorrow...

you might want to check
if I'm stuffed in my locker again.

So long.

Are you crazy? You seriously want
to hang with a goof like that?

Of course not. The whole thing
is strictly Twilight Zone.

But this Indian Guide thing
could be the solution to my problem.

I don't get it.

Are you sure he wants to do this?

It says here they actually
eat nuts and berries.

Doesn't he get enough
of that for breakfast?

What? I didn't hear you.

Did Ben say why he wants us
to do this Indian Guide thing?

He said he thought it'd be a good way

for the two of you to
get to know each other.

But, Sandy,
these people sit around...

making things like furry
refrigerator magnets.

I mean, what tribe of
Indians in all of history

ever made furry refrigerator magnets?

I think the fact that Ben wants
to spend time with you...

that's a good sign, don't you?

Yes, I do.

But why can't he wanna do something
a little bit more normal?

- Like, uh, joining Little League.
- Because you know how kids are.

This week, they're excited
about Indian Guides.

Next week, they're excited
about roller hockey.

Just give it a try.
I mean, how bad can it be?

♪ Pals forever, pals forever ♪

♪ That's our slogan
That's our song ♪

♪ Boys are stronger
Dads feel younger ♪

♪ When they take the boys along ♪

♪ Moms are for it
Dads adore it ♪

♪ And the boys all think it's fine ♪

♪ Pals forever, pals forever ♪

♪ As Indian Guides
we'll have good times ♪

- All right.
- Yeah!

Excellent. Excellent.

Now, as chief of the Minotauk,
it's my very special pleasure tonight...

to welcome two new members
into the tribe.

So let's hear a very special
Guide welcome for Jack and Ben.

- Welcome! Welcome!
- All right!

- All right!
- ♪ Hey-ha-ea-ya, Ben♪

♪ Hey-ha-ea-ya, Jack ♪

♪ Fine, thanks
How are you ♪

No, no, Jack. "Hey-ha-ea-ya" is
the official greeting of the Minotauk.

Oh.

Yeah. It's just our way of
saying, "Welcome. Have a good time."

- "You're among friends."
- I f-feel comfortable already.

Now that's good because
the whole point...

is to just relax and
have a whole lot of fun.

Right, Guides? All right!

All right. Which is why I'd like
to call upon Silent Thunder...

who's prepared a little entertainment
for tonight's meeting.

Excuse me there,
Chief Running Horse.

- Point of order.
- Yes?

I believe it is customary
at this juncture for...

new members to pick
names for each other.

Yes, of course. Once again, Silver Fox
has nailed the chief on a point of order.

I just believe it's important
to follow the rules...

to set an example
for the youngsters.

Red's our tribal secretary.

He's memorized the entire
Guide manual, word for word.

It took me six months.

Really? You must be very proud.

You see, Jack and Ben, fathers and sons
picking Indian names for each other...

is one of the most important
Indian Guide rituals.

For example, I'm Running Horse
and this is my son Dark Eagle.

Oh, I see. They're...
They're all animal names.

Yeah, you got it.
So, you wanna go first?

Well, you know, I should warn you,
I'm not very good at this kind of thing.

- I'm not...
- Jack, it's easy.

Yeah, come on, Jack. Give it a shot.
How hard could it be?

I have a, uh, list of
pre-approved Indian names,

if it would be of any help.

Red, Red, I think Jack
can just wing it.

Sure, okay, well, uh,
if I'm, uh, just gonna wing it...

um, how 'bout, um, Little Wing?

Good name. Good song too.
Jimi Hendrix.

I've got the album.
Axis... Bold as Love.

All right, Guides, from now on,
Ben's new tribal name will be Little Wing.

- Yeah!
- All right!

All right.
Fly on, Little Wing, yeah.

Okay, Ben, your turn now.
Pick a name for Jack.

Something that tells us
how you feel about him.

How about Squatting Dog?

Squatting Dog? That's the best
you could come up with?

Well, I had a dog once who had
a terrible case of the squirts.

He was my best friend
in the whole world.

Did you have any other pets?

I had a squirrel named Numbnuts.

Uh, I'm gonna go with Squatting Dog.

Okay. Good name.

Funny name. Minotauk appreciate
a sense of humor.

All right, Guides, from now on, Jack's new
tribal name will be Squatting Dog.

- Way to go!
- Yeah!

Okay, now, Silent Thunder,
the floor is yours.

- All right.
- Yeah!

Go, Dad!

This is gonna be great.
Lloyd's been preparing this all week.

Oh, come on.

- What's going on?
- Oh, I should have told you.

Silent Thunder's a circus performer.
He likes to express himself without words.

- He's pretty good at it, isn't he?
- Whoa.

♪ Don't, don't, don't... ♪

♪ Don't speak ♪

♪ Just move ♪

♪ Don't speak ♪
♪ Just move ♪

♪ Don't speak ♪

♪ Just move ♪

♪ Don't speak ♪

♪ Just move ♪

♪ Don't stop now ♪

Bravo, Silent Thunder!

Bravo! Bravo!

All right!

Very good, Silent Thunder.
Very funny.

All right. Let's keep
the good times rolling, Guides.

Who's up for a game
of scrambled moccasins, huh?

- Point of order there, Chief.
- Yes, Red, what is it now?

I believe we played scrambled moccasins
at last week's meeting.

And since we decided to vary
the games from week to week...

we should be onto either potato bowling
or pass the grapefruit.

Are you sure? I could have sworn
we played scrambled birch bark last week.

No, uh, according to my notes...

uh, we made macaroni name tags.

Silent Thunder served chocolate
corn bread and fruit punch.

Chief Running Horse gave an interesting talk
on why we have nasal hair.

And, uh, yeah, here it is.
Scrambled moccasins.

Okay, then. Guides, a show of feathers.
Who's up for a game of potato bowling?

All right!
Then let's get ready to rumble!

And Jack and Ben,
as new members...

you have the honor
of hurling the first spud.

Yeah!

I'm telling you, Monroe,

adults are so easy to
figure out, it's scary.

As soon as I said I liked it,
he said he liked it.

- Yes.
- But he hated it, right?

Oh, totally.
You should have been there.

We all had to play this stupid game
where you roll potatoes along the floor...

to see who could get 'em closest

to a big circle on a
huge piece of newspaper.

I don't see how
you can stand it, man.

Well, fortunately, I won't
have to stand it much longer.

There's a big, dopey campout
this Saturday night.

We have to sleep outside
in someone's backyard.

I'll never understand why you white people
like to sleep outside on the ground.

You'll never catch
no brothers doing that.

And just in case
that isn't quite bad enough...

I told Jack that all the other fathers
were dressing up like authentic Indians.

So he went out and rented a complete costume
to show me how enthusiastic he is.

Are the other fathers
dressing up like Indians?

- Of course not.
- You're the devil, man.

Yes!

When is the food ready?
I'm hungry.

All right. Juicy burgers coming' up.

Hey, can somebody give me
a hand with this tent?

- Sure, I'll help you.
- Hey, Jack.

Jack, nice costume.
Very authentic.

But we usually don't get dressed up
except for really big special occasions.

I probably should've told you.

Well, it's okay. I...

I just happened to have this
lying around in my closet anyway. So...

Yeah, looks great too.
Listen, I gotta fire up the barbecue.

But, uh, we'll talk later, huh?

Hey, Jack, you need to get your face
painted like everybody else.

I'm still hungry!
When are we eating?

I thought you said all
the other fathers were...

gonna be wearing Indian costumes too.

Sorry, I guess I misunderstood.
I hope you're not mad at me.

No. Honest mistake, I guess.

No harm. No foul.

Wait a minute. What-What kind of paint
is that? I-I-I have to be careful.

Uh, it's not really
paint. Just watercolor.

Oh.

That's good, 'cause I have
a tendency to break out.

Don't worry.
I checked the label.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Well, thanks.

- That was very thoughtful of you, Ben.
- No problem.

Hey, everybody,
I got a great idea.

- Let's have a grapefruit relay.
- Yeah!

- How about it, Jack? Are you up for it?
- Oh, yeah, can't wait.

You know, I could probably pop a round
into Sturges's skull from right here.

- From here? With what?
- A 38.

Get away from me with that. A 38
wouldn't even make it across the street.

On the other hand, a 22 super speed
has enough velocity...

to make it through his brain
and into the next county.

I told you guys we gotta
make this look like an accident...

so the whole thing don't
come back on my old man.

Now forget the 38s and the 22s.

Think accidental death.

Understand?

Okay, Guides, all ready
for the big grapefruit relay?

Yeah!

Down to the end of the yard and back again.
And remember, the rule is...

you can't touch your fruit
with your hands.

On your marks. Get set.

- Go!
- Come on!

You can do it!

Listen, Jack, there's something
I wanna talk to you about.

Do you think it could wait till
we don't have grapefruits under our chins?

Yeah, I didn't wanna do it
in front of the others.

See, Norman told me
you're not really Ben's father.

Well, that's true, I'm not.

Geez, I hope that doesn't mean
Ben and I have to leave the Indian Guides.

- No, no, not at all.
- Oh. You're sure about that?

- Yeah.
- Maybe you better check with Red first.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm not
Norman's father either. I'm his stepfather.

This thing broke open on me.
I'm starting to get juice down my chest.

- Come on! Get the grapefruit!
- Remember, no hands!

I think I know what
you're going through with Ben.

So, if you ever need
any advice or anything...

I appreciate it.
I really appreciate it.

But I think I'm doing fine
on my own. Really.

Okay, but if you ever
wanna talk, I'm there.

Okay.

Can't get any worse than this.

Your Honor, the US attorney's
appearance here indicates...

a complete lack of respect
by the federal government for our case...

and I move for a mistrial.

Thank you, Mr. Red Crow.
I'll take that under advisement.

Mr. Sturges,
would you care to comment?

Your Honor, I assure you, I meant
absolutely no disrespect to the plaintiff.

Leonard, really, it's just a rash.

It looks a lot like war paint, Jack.

Although, the happy face
is not technically a native symbol.

War paint, Jack?

The Salish Indian tribe
sues the United States...

government over
indigenous land rights...

and you show up in war paint?

Good God, Jack, this is the '90s.
Haven't you heard of political correctness?

Of course I have.

Look, this Salish thing is
a very sensitive issue for us...

so I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to take you off the case.

Come on, Bob. Isn't
that a little drastic?

I mean, this rash will
go away in 24 hours.

- I can get a continuance.
- It's not just the rash.

It's your behavior in general.
You've canceled meetings. You're unprepared.

I'm sorry, Bob.
I explained that to you.

Yeah, I know, I know. The, uh...
The Indian thing with the stepson.

It's taken up a lot more of my time
than I thought it would.

I can understand,
and I can sympathize.

But frankly, I don't care!

We have an important job
to do here, Jack.

I suggest you get your priorities in order.
Am I making myself understood?

I've been working with
the US attorney's office 15 years.

And I've never been taken off
a case till this morning.

I'm sorry. I did my best.
But this whole Indian

Guide thing is just... just not working.

Couldn't you just give it
another chance?

I can't do it, Sandy.
It's interfering with my work.

I mean, I can either be a United States
attorney or an Indian Guide's father.

I can't be both.
You do see my point, don't you?

I suppose so.

I just don't know how
I'm gonna tell Ben.

Nobody has to tell me anything.
I heard the whole thing.

You know, I knew
this was gonna happen.

Just when I was beginning to have fun
and make new friends, he wants to quit.

Look, sweetheart, there's
lots of other things

you and Jack can do together.

Sure, we can go
to baseball games, movies.

Yeah, right, until you get
tired of them and quit.

I told you he was gonna
be just like dad.

I was afraid something
like this was gonna happen.

Don't you think
he's overreacting a little?

I mean, this is just about
the stupid Indian Guides.

No, Jack, it's not just about
the stupid Indian Guides.

I told you this was gonna be
a difficult adjustment for Ben to make.

You said, "Oh, no, don't
worry. I'm an expert."

I've got all the books on the subject."

I'm doing the best I can.

Well, it doesn't seem
to be good enough, does it?

- Now what's that supposed to mean?
- It means...

It means...

I don't know.
Maybe I made a mistake.

Maybe this is all
happening to soon.

Maybe I should wait until Ben is older
and able to handle this better.

Maybe we'd all be able
to handle it better.

You really think you made a mistake?

'Cause if you do, I'll
move back to my place.

I just wanted everything
to work out.

I want the three of us
to become a family.

Well, I want that too.

So, I guess I'll just have
to rearrange my schedule...

so that I can be a US attorney
and an Indian Guide father.

Are you sure?

If Chet Bronski and Red Sweeney...

and that circus guy
can do it, I can do it.

I better go upstairs and apologize
and eat a little you know what.

I did it, Monroe. I did it!
I think I broke the love bubble.

Yeah, and not a minute too soon.

I don't know how much longer I could've
put up with those Indian geeks.

Yeah, he quit. And then
I went into my "upset child" act.

They started to fight,
and she told him she was...

gonna wait till I'm older
and better able to handle it.

Yeah, the guy's history. I figure
he'll be back in Tacoma by tomorrow.

- Did you speak to him?
- What?

- Did you speak to him?
- Oh, no.

He was on the phone.

I've got a lot of work to do anyway.
I'll talk to him in the morning.

Chet.

- Sorry. Did I scare you?
- Jack.

Oh, I'm sorry. You know, they told me
in the office you'd be down here.

- Yeah, well, this is my classroom.
- Uh-huh.

Fifteen years now.

Adrenaline.

So what brings you around?
Wanna make a spice rack for your mom?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, the thing
of it is, I, uh...

Well, you know, I drive... I drive by here
every morning on my way to work.

And, uh, well, I thought maybe,
you know...

You know, I-I just thought
I might, uh, drop by...

Say, this... this is nice.
What is it?

That's what we like
to call a hammer, Jack.

Oh, of course.

Tell me, Jack. Does it take you this long
to get to the point in court?

Actually, addressing a jury is a lot easier
than what I came here to do.

I need to ask your advice
on something.

It's amazing how difficult it is for us guys
to ask each other for anything, isn't it?

- You got that right.
- But that's okay.

- We're all members of the same tribe.
- Yeah, the Minotauk.

No, I mean the emotionally
constipated American male over 40.

Now what can I help you with, Jack?

Well, it's Ben.

He's, uh, been doing
everything he can to get...

rid of me. Frankly, I
think he hates my guts.

No, he doesn't hate your guts.

He's just scared.

Scared you're gonna take away
the most important thing in his life...

his mom.

Norman did the very same thing to me.

Tried to get rid of me for months.

Well, what...
what did you do?

I mean, you and Norman seem to
have a great relationship now.

Well, I just kept at it,
and at it and at it.

That's where the Indian Guides came in.
Helped a lot, actually.

- Indian Guides helped? How?
- By leveling the playing field.

See, one of the best ways
to reach a kid is to...

not be afraid to be a kid
yourself now and again.

It's just that I thought
it'd be a lot easier than this.

Oh, Jack, raising kids is one
of the most difficult things in the world.

But in the end, it's worth it.
Believe me.

You know, Chet, it's funny.

I can stand up to some
of the toughest hoods in the country.

Doesn't phase me a bit.

But an 11-year-old kid,
that's really scary.

Yeah, welcome to the club, Jack.

Thanks, Chet.

♪ Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back ♪

♪ No more, no more
no more, no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack
and don't you come back ♪

♪ No more, no more
no more, no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack... ♪

Ben, Ben, one of the great men.
We've been waiting for you.

What's going on? What
are you doing here?

I thought you were leaving.

Why would I leave?
I live here.

Jack's decided not to quit
the Indian Guides after all.

- Isn't that wonderful?
- You're kidding.

Absolutely not. And to prove it,
I'd like you to meet someone.

Ben, this is Leonard Red Crow.
Leonard, meet Ben.

How.

Excuse me, did you just say "how"?

Just kidding. I always like to say that.
It makes people laugh.

Leonard's the chief
of the Salish Indian tribe.

I've asked him to help
make the Minotauk...

the best tribe in the
whole Indian Guide nation.

- What do you think of that?
- Great.

I knew you'd be thrilled.

The teachings of values
and skills to children...

has always been a very
important part of Indian life.

Besides, I can use the beads
and trinkets Jack offered me.

I'm just kidding again.

You know, Ben, you're gonna
have to learn to loosen up.

Leonard's gonna teach us
how to do a real rain dance.

A rain dance? This is Seattle.
What's the point of that?

Who do you think's responsible
for all the rain?

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah
Everybody ♪

♪ Here is the doe
Back with the bass ♪

♪ The jam is live in effect
and I don't waste time ♪

♪ On the mike
with the dope rhyme ♪

♪ Jump to the rhythm, jump
Jump to the rhythm, jump ♪

♪ And I'm here to combine
beats and lyrics ♪

♪ That make you shake your pants
Take a chance ♪

♪ Come on and dance
Guys, grab a girl ♪

♪ Don't wait, make her twirl
It's your world and I'm just a squirrel ♪

♪ Trying to get a nut to move
your butt to the dance floor ♪

♪ So, yo, what's up
Hands in the air, come on ♪

♪ Say yeah, everybody over here
Everybody over there ♪

♪ The crowd is live
and I feel this groove ♪

♪ Party people in the house, move ♪

♪ - Let your mind
- Move ♪

♪ Put me on-line ♪

♪ Come on
Let's sweat, baby ♪

♪ Let the music take control ♪

♪ Let the rhythm move you ♪

♪ Sweat, sweat ♪

♪ Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Pause, take a breath
and go for yours on my command ♪

♪ Noe hit the dance floor
It's gonna make you sweat till you bleed ♪

♪ Is that dope enough indeed ♪

♪ I pay the price, I roll the dice
I'm more precise to the point I'm nice ♪

♪ The music takes control
Your heart and soul unfolds ♪

♪ Your body is free and a
whole Dance till you can't ♪

♪ Dance till you can't dance no more ♪

♪ Get on the floor and get raw ♪

♪ And then come back
and upside down, easy now ♪

♪ - And let me see you move
- Let your mind ♪

♪ - Move
- Put me on-line ♪

♪ The music is my life ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Everybody
Come on ♪

♪ Let's sweat ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you ♪

♪ Sweat
Sweat! ♪

♪ Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you ♪

♪ - Hey, hey.
- Oh, my gosh, it's raining! ♪

♪ We did it, Ben!
We did it! ♪

♪ Can you believe that?
We did it! ♪

♪ - It's raining!
- I don't believe it! ♪

Yes!

- Somebody give me five.
- Yeah!

I cannot believe...

God, look at all this rain!
It's pouring!

Ben, Hard Copy's on.

Ben, you awake?

I guess he's not coming.

He's exhausted.

I don't blame him.
I'm tired too.

- Yeah, you should get to bed early tonight.
- Yeah.

In fact, um...

In fact, we can go to bed right now.

Oh, I can't. I have
so much work to do. Honey...

- We haven't been alone in such a long time.
- Oh, Sandy.

I promise it won't take more
than a couple of hours.

Okay. I'll be right back.

Come on, Jack.
Do I have to?

- But I thought you liked Norm.
- Well, yeah, he's okay, I guess.

So what's the problem?

Well, seeing him
for Indian Guides is one thing...

but having him sleep over at my house
is something completely different.

Look, Norm's dad told me
he doesn't have a lot of friends...

and I thought this would be
kind of a nice gesture.

So do me this one favor, okay?

Well, hanging out with a guy like that
won't do much for my reputation, you know?

Yeah, we wouldn't want it
getting around what a nice guy you are.

All right. I'll do it.

But just this once, okay?

Good. And to make it really special...

I even got you guys
an authentic Indian tepee.

Chet's setting it up this afternoon.

He's gonna set up a tepee? Where?

It was real nice of you
to invite me to sleep over, Ben.

Yeah, sure.
No sweat. Glad to do it.

'Cause this is the first time I've ever been
invited to sleep over at someone's house.

It's no big deal, Norm.
Don't worry about it.

I brought you something.

This is for me?

It must've cost you a fortune.

Not really.
I made it myself.

All this beadwork
must've taken forever.

Well...

I haven't much else
to do with my time...

and I thought you might
want to have it.

I gotta be honest with you, Norm.

I don't really understand
why you'd do something like this.

Because I wanted to.

And because we're all part of
the same tribe and everything.

If you don't like it, you can tell me.
My feelings won't get hurt.

I like it very much, Norm.

Thanks.

You know what?
I got an idea.

You wanna go down to my room
and play some video games?

- Would I ever!
- Let's do it.

I just got the new
Sub humanoid Slaughterhouse 5000.

- It's really cool, but it's hard.
- I didn't know that had come out yet.

I'm still playing on the
Sub humanoid Slaughterhouse 2000.

2000's for wimps.
5000's way better.

When you kill Gakmo,
the sub humanoid commander...

his head explodes like a gigantic zit.

Cool!

But you gotta watch out
for Douglas the Vampire Troll.

He's got these hyper-speed plasma rockets
that'll melt all your skin right off.

- Way gross!
- It's the best.

Hey, Monroe.

- What are you wearing?
- It's an Indian vest. What's it look like?

It looks like Gakmo the Sub humanoid's
head exploded all over your shirt.

What are those things all over it?

These happen to be
authentic Indian beads, Monroe.

Don't you think you're getting
a little heavy with this Indian thing?

You know, I knew you
were gonna get on my case.

But you know what?
It's not as bad as we thought.

I've learned a lot of cool stuff.

For example, do you know how to shoot
a bow and arrow or throw a tomahawk?

- No.
- Well, I do.

That should come in real handy
the next time you go buffalo hunting.

And next weekend
we're going on a canoe trip.

We're gonna go over white-water
rapids and everything. It's gonna be great.

Gee, sorry I can't come.

- Nice Indian beads, buddy.
- What's with the vest?

- I don't want him. You take him.
- Can I join your Indian club too, please?

Looks like chingach-dork
is getting shoved into his locker again.

See what dressing up
like an Indian gets ya?

Hey, wh-where you goin'?

I'm gonna help him out.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

- Talkin' to us, punk?
- I can't watch this.

Let him go or face the consequences.

Sorry about that, Norm,
but I thought it'd work.

That's okay, Ben.
I appreciate the effort.

You know, it's not so bad in here.
It's kind of peaceful.

Yeah, it's amazing
how you get used to it after a while.

Hello? Anybody out there?

Can someone please help us?

Hello.

All right, guys. We ready
for the big canoe trip?

Yeah!

We're gonna go over a lot
of white-water rapids.

Yeah!

- Some of us might fall out.
- Yeah!

- Be torn to bits by a man-eating salmon.
- Yeah!

All right. As soon as Jack gets here,
we're vapor.

Yeah!

So, Ben, did, uh... did Jack mention
when he's gonna, uh, be here?

Well, he said he had to finish
some work at the office...

but he promised
he'd be here by noon.

Hey, if he promised,
then he'll be here.

Oh, great. I'm gonna be late.
I can't be late!

This is it!

What's going on here?
My brakes are out!

Bye-bye, Sturges.
Have a nice life.

Whoa! Watch it!

Oh, no!

No brakes!
Sorry, no brakes!

- Hey, what's happening? Did you see that?
- Hey, come on. Let's go!

There's a truck in the water.

- Hey, come on, Bob. Follow me!
- Move it!

- What happened over here?
- Come on, buddy! Move it!

Come on.
Get out of the way.

- Watch it!
- Throw the line!

- There he is!
- Somebody call 911.

I don't believe it!

I cut those brake lines clean.
He should be dead right now.

It's all right. Don't worry about it.
It was an unlucky break. That's all.

- We'll get another chance.
- I don't care, man.

Come on. Let's get outta here
before somebody sees us.

- Over here. Over here.
- Hit it over here.

- Right here.
- Over here. Over here.

Come on. Serve it.

It's already 12:47. I think we should
get going there, Chet. Time's a-wasting.

I was sure Jack would be here by now.
I wonder what happened.

Yeah, you're right.
Poor Ben.

- Whoa.
- Hit it.

There you go.

Someone's gonna have to tell him.

Either one of you guys wanna do it?

Cowards. Okay, Guides, time to go.
Let's load up.

- All right. Let's go, guys.
- Yes!

Listen, Ben. Uh, Red won't let us wait
any longer for Jack.

Oh, uh, sure, Mr. Bronski.
I understand.

You know, Jack has a very important job.
It's not like me or Lloyd or Red.

So I'm sure whatever's keeping him
has gotta be pretty important too.

Yeah.

Hey, you wanna come along with us? Huh?

You can sit in the middle. Norm and I
will take care of all the paddling.

- How would that be?
- No, thanks, Mr. Bronski.

I don't feel much like going anyway.

- You sure?
- Absolutely.

You guys go ahead
and have a great time.

- I'll be okay.
- Yeah.

Hey, Ben.

Hi, honey. What are you doing back so early?
Where's Jack?

He didn't show up.

What do you mean he didn't show up?
What happened?

Well, he promised he'd be there,
but he never showed up.

So the other guys
went on without me.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
I'm sure there's an explanation.

He just found something
better to do. That's all.

No, I know Jack.
He wouldn't do anything like that.

Just like you knew Dad
wouldn't do anything like that?

Oh, my God!
What happened to you?

I got caught in a sudden downpour
and really got soaked.

When was it raining?

It's, uh, kind of complicated. I'll tell you
about it later. I need to talk to Ben first.

- I'll get you a towel.
- Thanks.

I'm really sorry
I missed the canoe trip, Ben.

I had car trouble,
and I just couldn't make it.

Don't worry about it.

I wanted to be there, Ben.
I really did.

Could you get out of the chair
with your wet clothes, please?

Sorry.

He's really taking this hard.

Well, he was really
looking forward to this trip...

and he was counting
on you to be there.

Believe me,
what happened was unavoidable.

I'm sure it was.

But without meaning to,
you broke a promise to him...

which, unfortunately, is something
his father used to do to him all the time.

I guess I have to pay for all the mistakes
his father made, don't I?

I'm afraid it goes
with the territory.

- I'll go talk to him.
- No, wait a minute. I'll do it.

Ben, talk to you for a sec?

Yeah, sure.
Do what you want.

Look, Ben. I know you're mad at me,
and I know there's no reason in the world...

for you to believe me,
but I'm gonna make this up to you.

I swear.

Hey, you know the Fourth of July
camping trip that's coming up?

- Yeah, what about it?
- Well, I give you my word...

nothing's gonna interfere with it.

We're gonna go and we're gonna have
the best time we've ever had.

Okay? I promise.

Yeah, sure.

Okay. Good.

It looks like your hunch
was right, Jack.

That was no accident you had.

According to the police report,
the brake lines on your car were cut.

Looks like somebody wants you dead.
I think it would be a good idea...

if we transferred you
to the Portland office for a while.

Portland?

Just until we can find out
who's behind this thing.

I'll put the federal marshals
on it right away.

We should have it wrapped up
end of July at the latest.

End of July?
Forget it, Bob. Can't do it.

- Excuse me.
- Can't do it, Bob.

What do you mean you can't do it?

This isn't a negotiation.
It's an order.

Well, then...

you can fire me or I'll quit.

Either way,
I'm not going to Portland.

Got something more important to do.
Sorry, Bob.

Mind telling me what's more
important than staying alive?

Right now, a camping trip with Ben.

- Hey, Chet, how about a sing-along?
- Great idea. What do you wanna sing?

I don't know.
How about "Louie, Louie"?

Point of order there, Jack.
I believe that's "Louie, Lou-I."

And I don't think the boys would
know the lyrics to that one.

Well, that's the great thing about
that song, Red. Nobody knows the lyrics.

You can mumble anything you want
and still sound fine.

Who needs words anyway?
Right, Dad?

What do you say, Chet?
Take it.

♪ Oh, Louie, Louie
Oh, no, no ♪

♪ Oh, Louie, Louie
Oh, no ♪

♪ Sayin' we gotta go
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Said, uh, Louie, Louie
Oh, baby ♪

♪ Said we gotta go ♪

♪ A fine little girl is eaitin'for me ♪

♪ Me catch a ship across the sea ♪

♪ Me sailed that ship
ah, all alone ♪

♪ Me never think hoe I'll make it home ♪

♪ Oh, Louie, Louie ♪

Geez, Ben, there's a lot of stuff here.
Sure glad it's a single.

Can you imagine trying to put up
a two-bedroom tepee?

No, I can't,
but that's a really funny concept.

Uh, Ben, that was my subtle way
of asking for help.

Well, you'll have to be
more obvious, Jack.

I'm just a kid.
I don't get subtleties.

Okay, fine.
Wanna give me a hand?

No, I'd rather not.
My back's sore.

All right.

I'll ask somebody else, then, for help.

Hey, Lloyd, can you help me out?

Let's make him laugh.

Okay, we'll have this up in no time.

Lloyd says, "In a New York minute."
Well, let's do it.

Let's go.

I'm all right.
It's okay.

This looks good.

This one's long.
Oh, perfect.

I need these for the...

'Cause we have to put...
We have to cross these, Lloyd.

They should all be the same height,
and then we can just make a cross.

Make sure they're the same height.

Okay, this is good.
We'll just pull it over...

A little bit more of an angle.
Okay, that's good. Right like that.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I'd better hold it. Okay?

We should try to keep it
on an angle...

so we could slip this over
when we're through.

Ow! You got me
on the foot again there, Lloyd.

It's a good job.
Thanks, Lloyd.

Let's get some water or something.

Nice job on the tent, Sturges.
Okay, boys, might as well settle in.

We're gonna have to spend the night.

Well, it doesn't get
much better than this, eh, Guides?

Hey, anybody feel like a story?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Excellent idea. Excellent.
- Yeah.

- Can I borrow your headdress, Chet?
- Yeah, sure.

Be very careful.

All right.
Thank you. Very good.

Okay. Now...

this is a very old Indian legend...

passed down from
generation to generation.

Either that or I saw it
on an episode of F Troop.

You remember that
show where all the...

Indians were played
by Italian actors?

Them all talk like this.

Uh, real Native Americans
don't talk like that.

Yes, Squatting Dog know this...

but intend use only for comic effect.

Okay.

Many moon ago was
young Lakota brave named Young Crab.

So called because
him always in a lousy mood.

Especially after father
skipped camp with secretary.

Leave Young Crab all alone,
take care of mother named Lots a Hair.

Years go by. Young Crab
and Lots a Hair become inseparable.

Build new life.

Young Crab so happy, even think about
changing name to Happy Face.

But then one day
Lots a Hair bring home...

incredibly handsome Lakota warrior...

named Look So Darn Good.

She say, "Young Crab,
this Look So Darn Good."

I've decided to marry him.

"Can blame me?

I mean, check it out one time."

Young Crab not like
Look So Darn Good from get-go.

Not like way he ruin happy life
Young Crab have with Lots a Hair.

So do everything he can
to make Look So Darn Good...

look not so darn hot.

Pour glue in moccasin.

Order 10 pizza, have delivered
to Look So Darn Good's tepee.

Run up big bills calling 1-900 numbers.

Little Guides not try at home,
by the way.

Young Crab sound like him
could use some discipline.

Perhaps trip to woodshed in order.

No, no, Silver Fox.
Young Crab not need discipline.

Him just scared Look So Darn Good
do same thing as father...

run away.

Hurt Lots a Hair and Young Crab
all over again.

Look So Darn Good
must prove himself trustworthy.

Good medicine, Running Horse.
But trust funny thing.

No matter how hard one try...

sooner or later
bound to screw up, break trust.

Not mean to,
but, hey, poo happen.

Now what can Guides
learn from this story?

Um, most important thing.

Little Guides must never
call 1-900 numbers...

without parents' permission.

Good point, Silver Fox,
but way off as usual.

I think the lesson is about
the importance of communication.

Silent Thunder
and Talking Rock correct.

Communication always first step.

I think it also means you have to
learn to have faith in people...

even if sometimes
they disappoint you.

Dark Eagle hit nail right on head.

Great story
and a good lesson for all of us.

- Good story, Jack.
- All right.

- Yeah!
- Great story, Jack.

I'm hungry, Dad.
When are we eating?

Ah, we gotta go down
to the stream and catch our breakfast.

- Hey, Chief, is that coffee ready yet?
- Just about.

- Can we have bacon and eggs?
- If it's in the stream.

Morning, Jack.
How'd you sleep?

Fine. Fine.
Have you seen Ben?

Yeah. I asked him to go down
to the creek and fill up the canteens.

Oh, well, I'm glad you asked him
and not me. We'd all die of thirst.

- Remember what I told you, buddy.
- Yeah, just keep at it.

But I gotta tell you, Chet,
I'm about ready to give up.

I've tried everything I can
think of to get through to him.

- It's just not working.
- It takes time.

Believe it or not, you're doing fine.

Yeah, real fine.

Come on, Tony. Get out of the water.
You're gonna ruin your suit.

Hey, I got one!
I got one!

Hey, Murray, Joey, look at this.
I actually caught a fish!

I'm a regular
Jacques Cousteau over here!

You're not gonna believe it.

This is the first time I've
fished in my entire life!

I could actually enjoy this.

Murray, after we kill
this Sturges guy, maybe...

we can come back here
and do this again.

Jack.

- Jack, Jack!
- What's the matter?

There's some guys
over there in suits fishing.

One of'em said they came
up here to kill you.

- Where are they?
- Over there by the creek.

Come on, Tony.
Enough with the fishing already!

Just one more. Just one more!
I'm gettin' really good at this.

Yeah, if you were as good at arranging car
accidents, Sturges would be dead by now...

and we wouldn't be
sittin' around in the forest...

like Robin Hood and his merry men!

What accident
are they talking about, Jack?

I thought you just had
some car trouble.

I did have some car trouble.
I just didn't tell you how much.

Okay, so tell me now.

Jack, tell me.

All right. Those guys did something
to the brakes of my car.

- I ended up in the bay. No big deal.
- No big deal? Why didn't you tell me?

- Didn't wanna worry you or your mom.
- I-I-I thought you made up...

the car trouble story
to get out of going on the canoe trip.

If you had told me you
had a real accident,

I... I wouldn't have
gotten so upset.

Sorry. I tried to do the right thing.

Hey, Chet, I need you
to do something for me.

Don't ask a lot of
questions, but some guys

followed me up here.
They're sort of after me.

What do you mean "after you"?

I sent a man to prison for 50 years,
and his son's a little upset about it.

All right.
What do you want us to do?

You and the boys head back down
to the ranger station to try to get help.

I'll lead them further up
the mountain till you get back.

I don't know, Jack.
We could stay here. We could help.

I must concur with Silent Thunder
on that point, Jack.

There are eight of us.
There's gotta be something we can do.

I really appreciate it.
It's very nice of you guys.

But they're after me,
not any of you.

It's too dangerous to stay together.
Better we split up.

All right.
We'll get back as quick as we can.

Little Guides, let's move out!
Move out! Come on!

- That means you too, Ben.
- No way. I'm staying here with you.

- You're not staying with me.
- But I can help.

You could be more help by making sure
the others get down okay.

Now go on, get out of here.
I mean it.

Ben.

Thanks anyway.
I appreciate it.

I'll go around this way
and meet you on the other side.

- Yeah. Bet you we beat you there!
- You're on!

I got you now, Sturges.

Murray, Tony, get ready!

The fun is about to begin.

Great. Just what I need.

- Gesundheit.
- Ben, what are you doing here?

I came back here to help you.
What do you think?

- I don't need any help.
- Oh, really?

And what were you planning to do
when those guys found you?

Lie there and pretend to be a slug?

Exactly. Now get out of here.
You're blowing my cover.

You can't tell me what to do.
You're not my father.

I knew you were gonna
say that eventually.

Oh, geez.

So how's the leg?

Except for the throbbing pain,
it's great.

Well, then we can't outrun 'em.

So we're gonna have to slow 'em up
until the others get back with help.

We wouldn't stand a chance.
These guys are hired killers with guns.

So? We've got bows and arrows
and a tomahawk.

We're gonna need something
more than that.

Well, Red Crow told me
that when you need an answer...

you just listen to nature
and the answer will be provided to you.

How do you know he wasn't
kidding you again?

Trust me.

Okay, I'll listen.

Could you ask nature to speak up?
I can't hear a thing.

Well, thank you, Red Crow.

All right, slow and easy.

Hold on. Hold on.
Don't get away from me.

Easy, Ben.
Don't shake it.

That's good.
Steady, steady.

- What's the matter with you?
- I slipped.

- Murray, get him on his feet.
- Come on, Tony. Get up.

- Come on. You look ridiculous.
- Come on. Get up. Geez!

Hey, your hands are filthy.
Don't touch the suit.

You guys go that way.
I'm goin' this way.

- Think this guy knows what he's doing?
- I don't know.

Look at this suit. It's full of twigs.

That guy on Fourth Street's never
gonna be able to get 'em out.

What are you complaining about?
I got fish goop all over my pants.

Tony, I'm telling you, never call me
for a job like this again. Never!

Don't worry, I won't.
Who needs you?

Ah! Indian stuff.

We got him.

We got him. We got him.

Okay, you ready?

Ready. Let's do it.

We got him.

Hey, hey, hey.
Look at this.

Here's more of that beaded junk.
They gotta be around here somewhere.

- Hey, look. It's his kid.
- What the hell's he doing?

I think he's gonna shoot us
with his little bow and arrow.

- Oh, I'm really scared.
- Yeah, maybe we should take cover.

- Beehive!
- Beehive!

Tony, they're bitin' me!
Tell them to leave me alone!

- Good shot, Little Wing.
- You too, Squatting Dog.

You know, we really oughta
think about changing my name.

Good idea.
How about Dead Meat?

Not so tough now, are ya, Sturges?

Hey, if you want to beg for your life
like a little worm...

go ahead!

You know, Joey, I have to say I expected
something better than this from you.

- What are you talkin' about?
- Oh, come on, Joey.

The old seal-'em-up-in-an-abandoned-mine-
with-dynamite routine?

- What's wrong with it?
- It's boring, that's what it is.

Shows a complete lack of imagination.

Yeah, right. And I suppose you could
think of something better?

Without even trying.

You could hurl us off a cliff
onto some jagged rocks, for example.

That's not any better.

Yeah, but first you could drill holes in
the back of our head with a power tool...

to make it look like
an industrial accident.

That makes it better.

Or if you were really clever,
you'd wrap us up in wet rawhide...

so when it dried out
it'd mash up all our bones...

and squeeze our internal organs out through
our orifices like a tube of toothpaste.

I saw it on America's Most Wanted.

Let me tell you something, Sturges.
This kid is sick.

If I wasn't gonna kill
the two of youse...

I'd suggest you get him
psychiatric help immediately.

Tony, go ahead.
Light the fuse...

before this little demento
get's any more ideas.

Bye-bye, Sturges!

Bye-bye, kid!

Jack, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry, Ben. It'll be okay.

What the hell is this?
Charades?

He says, throw down your weapons
or else he'll turn you into large...

stupid-looking pincushions.

Actually, he didn't say "stupid-looking."
I added that.

Yeah, right.
Like I'm really gonna surrender...

to one screwball
with a bow and arrow.

Murray, put a bullet in his head.

Excuse me, there.

Point of order.
I believe it is illegal...

to possess firearms in a state park.

As a duly authorized representative of
the Department of Motor Vehicles...

a state agency, I'm gonna have to
confiscate those weapons.

Oh, now there's two of them.
I'm really scared.

Make that three!

- Four!
- Five!

Six!

We're surrounded.
What do we do now, Joey?

They got little bows and arrows.
You got guns.

What do you think you do?
Shoot them!

Okay, Guides, let 'em have it!

Geronimo!

Okay, that's it.
No more playin' around.

I don't think so, Joey.

Red, here's another piece of garbage
you can add to the pile.

Sure thing, Squatting Dog.
Okay, dirtbags, on your feet.

Remember, no smart stuff.
I got the gun. Come on. Get up!

Come on.
Get up, get up, get up, get up.

- Wow!
- Get up, get up, get up.

- You guys okay?
- Couldn't be better, Chet.

- Thanks for coming back.
- Hey, we're Indian Guides...

and Indian Guides stick together.

That's what it's all about.

Besides, if we'd tried to
get to that ranger station...

we would've got lost
in about eight seconds.

Thanks, Lloyd.
That was a great shot.

You know, Ben, those are the weirdest
bunch of guys I ever met.

- But I like 'em.
- Yeah, they're definitely unusual.

But who wants normal anyway, right?

Uh, Ben, uh, I wanted to thank
you too, for coming back.

It was a very brave thing to do.

Well, I couldn't just let 'em kill you.

After all, I think my mom wants to
keep you around for a while.

And, well...

I guess I do too.

Let's go home.

So, Ben, now that we're buddies,
is it okay if I marry your mom?

Well, I don't know, Jack.

There are a few things
I need to know about you first.

Is that all you make?

It's not exactly minimum wage, Ben.

But I thought you were some big-shot
attorney for the federal government.

Well, what they don't pay in salary,
they make up for in benefits.

Which, by the way,
will come in very handy...

when they replace all the teeth
I'm gonna knock out of your little head.

Any bad habits I should know about?

Let's see. I drink milk
straight from the carton.

Sometimes I use a spoon
and put it right back in the drawer.

Any chance you might turn
into a serial killer...

and start boiling our
heads in acid?

Don't be silly.
I haven't done that in years.

- So, do I pass the test?
- You'll do, I guess.

Do you mind if I tell
your mother the good news?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Oh, by the way,
that thing about, uh, boiling heads?

I lied.

- Jack.
- What? Okay, I didn't lie.

No, no, come here.
Look what you've done.

Huh. It's a circle.

- Sandy!
- Mom!

- What's the matter?
- Come here. Look what Jack did.

Well, what do you know.
It's done.

♪ Love
Love ♪

- As you probably already figured out...
- ♪ Devotion

I let Jack marry my mother.

It seemed only fair after
what I put him through.

♪ Feeling ♪

Jack and I still go to Indian Guides.

- Last week we made him our new chief.
- ♪ Emotion

Next week we're making reindeer
out of clothespins.

- ♪ Don't be afraid to be weak ♪
- Mr. Sweeney is still a perfectionist.

The Indian Guides just came
out with a new handbook...

♪ Don't be too proud to be strong ♪

So he's busy memorizing that one now.

He says he's already
found two typos.

♪ Just look into your heart
my friend ♪

♪ That will be the return to yourself ♪

♪ The return to innocence ♪

Mr. Small still doesn't talk.

I haven't figured out why yet.

But when you think about it,
Darryl was right.

Who needs words anyway?

♪ The return to innocence ♪

♪ And if you want
then start to laugh ♪

♪ If you must
then start to cry ♪

♪ Be yourself
Don't hide ♪

♪ Just believe in destiny ♪

♪ Don't care what people say ♪

♪ Just follow your own way ♪

Mr. Bronski still acts like
a big kid most of the time.

But I guess just because you grow up...

that doesn't mean
you have to stop having fun.

Norman still gets stuffed into
his locker almost every day.

But with me around,
at least now he has some company.

Monroe is finally
beginning to come around.

He says he's even thinking
about joining the Indian Guides...

as long as he doesn't have to
sleep outside on the ground.

If you had told me two months ago
I'd actually enjoy being an Indian Guide...

I'd have to say you were crazy.

But it's funny
the way things turn out.

♪ That's the return to yourself
the return to innocence ♪

And my mom...
Well, I never saw her so happy.

I'll tell you,
one thing's for sure.

Jack's a really lucky guy.

But then again, so am I.

I'd like to tell you we all
lived happily ever after...

♪ The return to innocence ♪

- But it's too soon to tell.
- ♪ If you want, then start to laugh ♪

♪ If you must
then start to cry ♪

♪ Be yourself
Don't hide ♪

♪ Just believe in destiny ♪

♪ Don't care what people say ♪

I guess the lesson to
be learned from all this...

is that sometimes you
have to trust people...

♪ Just follow your own way ♪

- And hope everything works out.
- ♪ Don't give up and use the chance ♪

- ♪ To return to innocence ♪
- I mean, after all...

nothing's perfect, is it?