Man, Chicks Are Just Different (2011) - full transcript

A MAREK KOTE RSKI FILM

DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY
JERZYZIELIN'SKl

She signals right, turns left.

- Soon she'll turn right.
- Will she?

- For sure.
- Careful, a chick.

Fucking hell!

I told you, it's a chick.

How did you know?

I can sense them from a distance.

No need to see them.

Fuck.



What's that?

What?

These chicks are just
- ...different.

They arejust different.
Fuck me dead, they are.

CHICKS ARE JUST DIFFERENT

Chick will always go left,

when you come towards them on bike
or on foot. Let's say, if only.

I go to my left, and she goes
to the right, which is my left.

Then I try to go right but she also
- "Tick" - goes in the same direction.

And we go "tick-tick" on the pavement
like two metronomes.

I go right, she goes right,
I - left, she - left.

Fucking "tick-tick".

- She'll always go left.
So you know what to hold on to

But once in a while
she'll go fucking right



The same with the pedestrian
crossing when she drives up.

I never know if I can cross.

I go, she drives.
I stop, she stops.

I move, she does too,
straight at me, so I dodge.

And she smiles apologetically,
as if she demands fucking special care.

Sometimes they backup
at the crossing.

Instead of going forward like normal
human beings should. Just forget it.

I once nailed such a chick.

Did you';

- Was she any good?
- Any good?

I knocked her down on the crossing
- Wow!

With my bumper.

Nailed her.

Suddenly she started
walking backwards.

How'?

- Pull over.
- No need.

She almost crossed the street
so I stepped on the gas

- and she saw a Zuk and started
to run back. -AZuk?

Old van, coming
from the opposite direction.

And I nailed her.
She's on the ground, ljump out...

and I forget what I fucking look like

Long hair, red bell-bottoms, so wide
that her feet are hidden in them.

When the guy who was riding with me
saw this and the people around...

hejust moaned: "lynch-law"!

A policeman comes over

"H ave you been drinking?"
She opens her eye and snivels:

"It's my fault". This saved me.
But chicks will always back up.

It's sure as hell she'll backup.

Why are they so deft, that instead of
going right, they go left?

And instead of forward
they always go back?

She hands the hanger the opposite way.

She'll hang yourjacket in the closet
in such a way that it gets...

baggy here.

They are wrong in their heads.

Women's and men's brains
differ at first glance.

I knew that.

You can recognize sex
by only looking at this organ.

I guess not only by that.

A man's brain is by 10% bigger.

I'm sure of that.

Although both men and women
have the same number of brain cells.

Women have them
more tightly packed

into a smaller skull.

That explains everything.

They get corns on their brains
in these smaller scales, skills...

skulls.
Fuck it, anyway.

Women say 20 thousand words
every day.

My wife says 40 thousand words.

And men sayjust 7000 words per day.

I sayjust 8 words:

"um", "yeah", lllaterllm

"don't know", and "be back later".

But professor's Mehl's
latest research proves,

that both men and women say
the same number of words every day.

This professor wasn't
at my place.

The women participating in the test
were saying 16,215 words,

and men - 15,669 words.

Still!

So the difference was not
13 thousand words, but only 546.

But what words? 546 of the most stupid
and most irritating words. Most.

"What is this flood of words that is
coming out of her words about?"

Her man is wondering.

"Why isn't he listening to me
and answering only in monosyllables?"

Woman is complaining.

Meanwhile the professor claims
that women are brought up to talk

ls something wrong with being silent?

Have you ever gone with a woman
for a walk?

- I did once.
- And?

Did you walk in silence,
did you take in nature?

"The sun is so golden,
the sky is so blue".

"The trees are so green".

I can hear only her, as if she was
walking out a blind man.

She can't remember
not to speak in the morning.

- Till noon at least.
- She won't respect my nap time.

With afternoon coffee or...

It's so important that nobody
speaks to me for 15 minutes.

Then I get focused, calm,
ready to face the rest of the day.

After the last sip, I take a deep
breath through the nose.

And when I have to answer
questions, then I'm like doped

I start trembling, my face is burning,
I need to cool it. With cold water.

They need to speak when you watch
sport's news or read a paper.

She always steals it
when I want to read it

- Shejust peruses it.
- Tells me the best pieces.

Just the headlines and random lines.

And the paper's flapping like a sail

She reads it all out
and I don't know what to read

Sheesh. Sheesh.

- What's this honking?
- Fucking chick for sure.

- And if two of them get together...
- Their brains have more gray matter.

- And the cell connections...
- You mean cell phone.

Are more numerous and complex.

So nature itself is against
our communication with them...

- Mine went to the doctor in England.
- That far?

She wanted to see her Polish doctor
as well.

So I tell her to practise hospital
situations during her English lessons.

So that she's able to say
where she feels pain.

Or to ask for clean sheets. And not
to mispronounce "sheet" for "shit".

Or where the toilet is.
So she says "Where is the toilet"

I ask her why she tells me that.
"Because I know“ she answers"

But I'm not asking if she knows that.
It's just worth knowing generally.

What can I say! Only suicidal men
embark on discussions with women.

And they get on with one another
really well.

Marianne Legato says:
"Women are better at speaking".

- So it's clear.
- They love conversing.

- Jabbering.
- This way they strengthen the bonds.

They don't talk.
They call, squeal, yodel, howl.

They shout even while standing
2 feet away.

- Ouarrelling.
- Not at all. They shout out stories.

Once two women stood under my window
Their usual place.

I was to write something. Fucking hell!
They stood for one hour shouting.

I closed the windows, put earplugs in my
ears. And still fucking heard them!

And they were shouting
how their grandchildren

are fucking sweet while sleeping

And these women on Tv.
Howfast they speak.

I don't get what these Tv-chicks
chatter away about.

They are even faster on the radio.
It's like spin-drying.

Everywhere you're haunted by mouthy
hags, who went narcissistic

and are in love with their talking.

When freedom came...

they started talking on Tv
about the media service.

Like the BBC - as an example,
about its role as servants.

And what are they doing now
when on air? Wh ere are these servants?

- All stars.
- More important than their guests,

than the news.

There's more of her lip gloss,
make-up, neckline and showing off

than the message you get,
hear and understand.

The Botox Lip Club.

One looks like she has a corncob
stuck in her ass.

She settles herself:
Up and down all the time.

- I really feel like...
- Their hungry ego.

Not fucked enough.

Or she flaps her elbow while talking
as if she was playing the bagpipes.

Preening, posing,
like a model on the catwalk.

It's enough she's not leading a horse.

When she glides towards me,
I can feel that all she thinks about is

looking good, keeping the pace,
and not falling on the camera.

No place for the fucking news.

- And their double surnames?
- Good they're not triple.

Soon they will be. Collecting us
like stamps or butterflies.

So far they go with double ones,
like mutants.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm Ewelina Celina
Snitchwitchsnitchwitch-Snot.

Here's The Crap News.

Parliamentary session on "Women's
right to less work and better pay".

Our reporter from the Seym: Katarzyna
Maryna Pastorale-Trzemeszno.

Trzemeszno is a town.

Here's Katarzyna Maryna
Pastorale-Trzemeszno.

Trzemeszno is a town, for sure.

So, Katarzyna Maryna
Pastorale-Trzemeszno,

it's Ewelina Celina
Snitchwitchsnitchwitch-Snot.

Tell us, what important
is going on at the Seym

Good evening, it's Katarzyna Maryna
Pastorale-Trzemeszno.

The session stopped for a brake,
excuse me - for a break.

From the Seym, exclusively for Crab
News, sorry - Crap News,

your reporter Katarzyna Maryna
Pastorale-Trzemeszno.

Thank you, Katarzyna Maryna
Pastorale-Trzemeszno.

You're watching Crap News, Ewelina
Celina Sn itch witch snitch witch-Snot.

Here are our next topics.

And it fucking goes on.
Names longer than the news.

Soon only guys will have
single surnames.

My wife also wants to add
a second surname.

- Does she? Whose?
- Mine.

She already has yours. Pucio.

She wants another one,
as all her friends have double ones.

And she doesn't like her own.
Raggedy-Pucio.

So now she'll be called Pucio-Pucio.
Ewe Stefa Pucio-Pucio.

- I'll also add one or two.
- Where will you get them?

My mom's, my wife's...

My ex-wife's. A maiden name.

- Your maiden name?
- Both wives' maiden name.

And a fewfirst names.

I'll be Meowtchynski-Bowwowski-
Doggycat.

Jakub Adam Sadam Wieslaw Czeslaw

Perhaps also Maria.

Saddam is not a Polish name.
You might not get it registered.

Talking about the hemispheres.
Something must be wrong with them.

- 'Cause, look...
- For sure. My wife prefers left side.

How'?

She's afraid of those,
who park on the right

People shake their fists at us
that we're driving the wrong way.

My wife likes driving
on the continuous lines.

If there are none, she drives
on the cat's eyes with one wheel

and I get hiccups.

She really loves the continuous lines.

And she likes to stop in the places
with many lines.

Mine likes to have the continuous line
between the wheels.

I guess they mistake the line
for some guy.

Chicks never know
when they have right of way.

Just in case,
they give everybody right of way.

So I fucking wait on the crossing:
Three women and me.

- Why won't you go?
- 'Cause I'm scared,

that they'll start driving too
and fucking hit me.

And they drive out of rhythm.

- Out of our rhythm.
- With no rhythm at all.

They've got some rhythm. Their own.

- You'll never know what it is.
- Just the rhythm they know

Beyond all logic.

- Like quantum mechanics.
- I don't get it.

- Or the nature itself.
- Fuck me, I don't.

"Quantum mechanics describes nature
in an absurd way"

from the point of view
of common sense.

But the test results coincide
with this description.

One can think the quantum mechanics
studies something that doesn't exist.

But still it turns out to be true.

"And nature - like a woman-
behaves in absurd way."

You'll never fucking guess when she'll
change gear after starting.

And if you can step on the gas without
ending up with your car in her ass.

Perhaps they count on that.

And their parking...
It's a fucking circus.

Always with the front,
not the rear of the car.

- She'll never park with the rear.
- It's the hemispheres.

Or she goes backwards when starting
And crash.

It's the hemispheres.

- I won't mention turning around.
- In 3 steps?

Three backwards, four forward.

And a policeman would come in handy
to stop the traffic.

It's the hemispheres.

On a stupid lift you can't expect
what a chick will do.

The elevator?
No, the ski lift

When you're there with a woman,
it's 100% all goes wrong.

You should let the lift lift you...
and let the skis go.

But when a chick clutches it tightly,
it's sure you'll fucking fall over.

Once one latched on
and pulled it towards her.

I said: "Just let it go a little bit,
because we both..."

No reaction, and shejust
goes arse over it.

Let it go"! But she clutches even
tighter and I feel she'll pull me.

"Stop clutching, nutcase!" I bend back
her talon and fall down, too.

On her?

She scrambled up went on,
with my ski pole.

Never got it back.

It's the same with cars...
with chicks driving.

And then people say that chicks
have less accidents.

- That's right.
- But how many crashes do they cause?

And just drive away.

And the victims are being
cut out with acetylene torches.

And these presents they give you...

I have a closet full of ties.

Al have a mugs.
Shelves, cupboard, closets full.

I hate ties.

With my name on them.

I would just have to swill tea,
every day in a different mug.

Or pajamas.

And frames. I'd have to take photos
all the time and put them in frames.

I'd have to sleep all the time
to use them.

- And hang them.
- Each of them.

- What about "pee"? "Wee-wee"?
- Want to?

No. Chicks always announce it loudly.
N 0 matter where they are.

They must announce it to everybody.

Bunch of strangers, public place...
And she declares that she goes to pee.

Mine says: "I'm going for pee-pee".

And mine: "I'm going pee-pee".

That's some fucking syntax, ya know
"I'm going pee-pee".

I'll always know the place,
where a woman lives.

- How'?
- Like Sherlock Holmes.

I know right away
that a chick was there.

I look in the bathroom
and what do I check?

- The shower tap.
- The chick used the shower.

The fucking shower tap is on.

You try to wash your hands
and your mug gets splashed.

- Depends if it's from under or above.
- If it spurts on your mug or shirt,

a chick was there for sure.

- And mascara on a towel?
- I know

Clean towel
and a print of an eye on it.

Black mascara on a white towel

- Mine leaves around those...
- What?

Swabs.

Cotton swabs.

- For nose?
- For ears.

Fuck it. They might be for nose.

- Mine puts the burnt matches...
- Or she puts in the sink...

back to the box.
- ...the used tea-bags. Pouches.

Pauches.

Mine is so barmy,
that after using toilet paper

she throws it behind her,
not in the toilet.

She doesn't even check.

She'll never tell you
the toilet paper is gone.

You take a shit and then what?

You can at most wipe your ass with
the cardboard reel and smear up shit.

Or hop all in shit
to get paper from a cabinet.

- Or to get a newspaper.
- Hopefully not to a newsstand.

And these sounds from the toilet?

Dumpling.

Just like us.

I always thought they don't shit.

And don't even fart.

Seriously.

When I was in love
for the first time...

I thought they didn't do it at all.

And here comes a shock.

Plop...

Pissing is still all right, but...

For a long time
I couldn't cope with that.

Actually I still can't.

I thought that mum at least doesn't.

Plop.

They shoot
from a double-barrelled shotgun.

Then I just turn up the radio or Tv
but if it's before boinking

then my dickjust goes down.

Have you noticed
that chicks leave different

you know what... in the toilet.

It stinks?

It's somehow sweet smell...

Hard to tell.

Yeah...

Sweet smelling shit.

- Entering toilet after woman was...
- Shitting.

An ambulance is the only hope
- Perhaps it's perfume.

I guess they don't drink perfume

- Perhaps they get saturated with it.
- Incidentally,

man's hangover shit stinks even more.

Now chicks drink hard too,
so everything is ahead of them.

Women who have men'sjobs
more often abuse alcohol.

Secondary school-girls
drink more than boys.

It's a newtrend - for a crazy girl.

Or going to bed, to sleep.

I may stay up long, wait till she falls
asleep, but she'll always wake up

when I lie down and kiss me
with this cream of hers on.

I can't fall asleep with this taste.
I won't sleep anyway,

but I want to have my lips wet
with the last sip of tea I take.

So I spit on the carpet,
wipe my mouth furtively,

and again I need to wet them with tea.

She wakes up again and kisses me
with her lip gloss on and falls asleep.

And I, awake, have to repeat it all
again: spitting, pissing, a sip of tea.

And I don't sleep
for I wait till she kisses me again.

My wife won't sleep with me
as I snort.

- Snore.
- You too?

- It's snoring. Do you snore?
- She does. And farts.

Snores. I don't snort at all.

I must do the whole ritual preparing
my bed, smoothing the sheets

and still I keep tossing and turning
as if I were in a washing machine.

And she falls asleep right away,
with a book, with light, radio, Tv on.

On her back, stomach, any side, upside
down, and with feet in pillowcase.

Nothing stops her. Neither full moon,
nor rain, wind or hail.

And when I'm pissed that she sleeps
when I can't, she says:

"If you loved me you'd be happy that
I can sleep and will be well rested."

Mine is the same.
One yawn - and falls asleep.

She yawns and sleeps. If I yawn,
I'm done sleeping.

My eyes water... I'd just keep yawning
till the morning.

And this yawning of theirs...

Why those chicks yawn so much?
Even during the day.

Perhaps they've got some problem
with... auricles.

They stand at bus stops or wherever
and just yawn.

And with circulation.

Is it 'cause of lack of oxygen?

It's the heart, lack of oxygen...
and they yawn.

Yawn during the day.

And won't even cover their mouths.

They don't cover...

From a distance you see
quite a nice figure

but magic is gone,
when she opens her mouth wide

As if she was calling for food.

They yawn out of their rapacity.

They are greedy for exclusivity,
like piranhas.

Pira...

Piranhas devour their victims
so fucking greedily

that not even a bone is left.

I'm sorry.

I need to doze off for a minute.

My wife yawns
even if we are about to make love.

Especially then.

When she says: "Come...
and make love to me"

I lose lust for anything.
Magic's gone, my dick hides.

- Perhaps you've got "koro".
- "Koro"?

- Turtle's head?
- I've got only my johnson's head.

"Koro" in Malayan means
"turtle's head".

- Great.
- It's also a disease,

which makes man's penis
hide slowly into the abdomen,

like a turtle's head into its shell.

Fuck me...

Loss of a penis is subconscious fear
that any man has.

If a man could choose
which part of his body to lose,

this one would go as the last one.

What about the head?
Wouldn't you like to keep your head?

Honestly speaking, I would prefer
to lose my head than...

your dick's head?

On the other hand,
I'd like to have a bigger one.

Just a little bit

At least thicker.

- "A guy goes to a brothel". Know it?
- I know a few

- With a Negro?
- No.

The guy asks, which girl is free
The Madam says "Room 5"

He goes to Room 5,
but sees through the glass

that on a bed there's a Negro
and the girl is sitting on him.

So he tells Madam
that Room 5 is taken.

And she answers, that the girl
is free, just sitting on a stretcher.

I feel I'm cornered by chicks.

I'm just scared of them.

I just feel somehow withdrawn.

Pushed back against a wall,
driven to some corner.

Suit, Bond's girl,
wide shoulders...

Businesswomen-gladiators.

- And this clattering with high heels?
- That's some clattering.

I'm walking at night: stars,
blissful silence...

and there comes fucking:
Tap, tap, tap, tap.

Like she's walking on caps.
They explode in my head.

And they keep smoking...

these fags.

- And there goes fucking harmony.
- Only women smoke in the streets.

- You can't let her go first...
- They drag this grey stench.

Taking thousands of steps like
centipede, she covers 1 meter per hour.

You can't walk faster - you don't want
to be chased by fucking "tap, tap".

They are lighter than us,
but tramp their hooves like horses.

- The Humpbacked Horses.
- Rather Percherons.

Good that men wear flats. One could
go nuts if everyone pounded like that.

I saw a chick in flats,
she was also tapping.

It's their nature tapping more
than their high heels.

So that men don't get enough peace.

With bouncing boobs and camel's toe,
she's fucking walking.

- All that just to arouse guys.
- And we are to keep calm.

Conscious of their power over us,
they cockily carry around

- their holes armed in buttocks.
- Like monstrances.

Want me to see you as a human being,
don't show off your ass.

Want me to see your soul, show off
your face, which is its mirror,

and not your belly button or G-string.

They expect us to treat their asses
like kind of miracle.

- One sat once by my plate.
- Hows that?

I was eating at a Chinese Bar
and she was waiting for her meal.

She perched with her cheeks
on my table

and its corner went straight
to her pussy.

It's quite nice.

Sure! But her ass was next to my meal!

There's the right time and place,
even for the ass!

And this whole idea of equal rights?

"What's yours is mine
and what's mine is mine"

Salaries are the same,
but pension comes earlier.

Less work for the same money.

60 years and she gets dough lazing
around like some bull in a meadow

- Like a cow
- What?

They'll laze around like cows
not bulls.

Guys should pay while at date
- Give up their seats on a bus.

- Step back to give them way.
- Rep air a car.

- Repair socket, take the rubbish out.
- Help with luggage on the train.

I don't do it. Let them pick it up
themselves if they want equal rights.

They want the car door opened
for them.

They wait till a guy runs around a car
and opens a door.

I would drive without her.

Take tennis. Chicks want to get the same
money, but play shorter matches.

- Everybody plays up to two won games.
- In Grand Slam, Davis Cup and Masters

guys have to play
up to 3 winning games,

4 hours in the sun. And chicks
play up to 2 winning games.

Two hours and they cash a check.

What's yours is mine, but don't touch
what's mine...

Generally at sports -
what are they equal at?

Stronger, faster, more distant.

- Distant?
- At long jump.

- I see.
- Long jump.

Closer.

High jump.

Lower.

Shot put.

Shorter.

100- meter dash.

Slower.

Sprint races generally.

They are better at 100 m hurdles.

- But they have 10 meters less to run.
- Do they?

Fucking A.

And the butterfly?
- Who?

If they are so smart,
let them swim as fast as men.

If they are so equal, let them start
equally with all men.

Only then - no victories, no medals,
no records, and no cash for that.

They are different

Although...

I watched Golden League

and one runner had a belly button
across, 100 m hurdle.

And what should she have?
- Along, like cunt.

And trousers?

Are we wearing fucking skirts,
in the fucking hell?

- The Scots do.
- Fucking Scots.

- Get it'?
- I do.

Do we wear dresses?

Man's jacket, oversized trousers,
waistcoat on a naked body.

You won't be surprised
if you see a woman in long johns.

Women stopped being women.

A woman and a dress... a skirt...

a gauzy blouse - that's femininity.

That's vmy women have beautiful body,
waist, breasts...

so that they are not men, who are
ashamed to show hairy legs.

Women used to attract us with
their grace,

they knew how to move gracefully.

That was part of their charm.

Now there is no trend for women
to walk gracefully.

Nowadays we just have broads,
vmo look like men.

They wear pants all the time.

It's so rare that they put dresses on.

Half-men.

It's all Kennedy's fault.

She introduced trousers at work.

She?

Jacqueline.

And Rice - to diplomacy.

Oh, Condoleezza.

What if all start parading around
in suits?

And shave hair like skinheads?

Smoke fags.

Soak up brew

Talk on their mobiles while driving,
holding the wheel with one hand.

So finally,
we'll be finding it out in bed...

That it's Mr. Bride?

And you are Miss Groom.

No fucking way you'll know
who you are banging.

"We weren't sweating in our training
to be shaking now.." - mind you...

"...to be shaking in our pants,
because of the Russians."

Not "dresses" or "skirts"
but "pants".

'Cause they play in pants.
It's about volleyball team, isn't it?

It's still some sort
of fucking appropriation.

It's OK that they shake their asses,
we have asses, they have asses...

But shaking
in their pants impudently...

So the next step will be...
I don't know

- "My balls hurt".
- What?

When they say "my balls hurt".

I fucking guess so.

Already chicks say about one another:
"She's got some balls".

The coach says about one girl:

"She was the father of this victory".
We lay ourselves wide open.

And Dinara Safina said bitterly
after the Australian Open:

"In these finals
I wasjust a ball boy".

Did she go fucking nuts?
She was a boy.

Soon these cunts will make us
decline nouns.

- I don't get it.
- A guy will say "I ate with a fork"

- and chick "I ate with a forkness".
- I won't pack it in with a forkness.

- And you won't be a sex-machine...
- Why?

But a sex-apparatus.

Here again some sad prick
is manifesting: "Death to men!"

Men are the species, which is worse
'cause of their physical weakness,

"oldfartedness in decision making, fear
of the future and general ugliness."

"Men are the mistake of nature
and the social tragedy!"

Men themselves lose ground to women.

At home, at work, in life. They don't
feel like proving their usefulness.

These pricks think that by playing up
to chicks they will save their asses.

And chicks will chew out our asses
even more.

For 100 years, they've been fighting
guys. Aren't they bored?

You want work? You got it.

You want free sex? You got it.

You don't have to cook, nor to take
care of kids. For fuck's sake.

You want to rule - go for it.

They keep joining the police and army.

They are quite good at shooting.

- Rather at casting glances.
- In films you can see how they shoot.

This fucking political correctness
demands

that at least one chick in a crime
film, screams: "it's the police!"

and smooch a gun like a dick.

Senior corporal on army maneuvers:
"Absent! On maternity leave".

Petty oficeress absent in naval
maneuvers because of her period.

She cannot get wet.

- They want to be priests.
- Priestesses.

Preacheresses.

I can see altar boys wanking off
in their surplices during Elevation.

Women work on roofs now

In special forces?

No, as chimney-sweepers.

This is the way the world ends!

So far we were sweeping
their chimneys.

Men have been ruling
for the last 5000 years.

Chicks've been ruling all the time.

But feminists don't want to get rid
of the patriarchal culture.

Quite contrary...
They strengthen it and consolidate.

- Wearing men's shoes.
- And trousers.

Participating in parliamentary
elections, holding offices,

following men's carrier model,
or dressing style...

- I said "pants".
- And putting off having a family.

Men will have to reproduce
among themselves.

Women mimicking men's spirit
and psyche is a catastrophe.

- For whom?
For everybody.

You can imagine a world,
which is ruled exclusively by women

It would still be a man's world
in its essence.

The world after a successful heist:
Appropriated,

but unchanged.

I'm not running around
in low-cut dresses.

Patriarchalism without men?

Let the chicks stay away
from my fucking pants.

Afeministic fight with men's domination
only consolidates it.

I fucking don't get it.

Milosz once wrote: "Nurturing
hatred towards an enemy"

and searching for something
tojuxtapose with him,

he'll follow his steps

"and juxtapose a reverse ideal,
which stays within the same scale."

Fucking A.
And what did Gombrowicz say?

"Where did my attacks of form lead me?
Exactly to the form."

Or getting into men's toilets...

Once I peed in a theater.
- What?

Two babes with their boobs barely in,
snuck into the men's toilet.

Two babes with their boobs barely in,
snuck into the men's toilet.

And I was taking a leak here.
If I went into their toilet...

it'd be a scandal -
a pervert, voyeurism

I was peeing in an office
- In the loo?

And some cow came to wash glasses
- Next to me. Like in a cowshed.

Not the smallest partition between
the urinal and the sink.

I'm peeing and she's washing glasses.

I can't pee, nor hide it.

What are you doing here?

"I'm washing glasses" she says.
"But I need some intimacy."

"I'm not interested
in what you're hiding there."

"Me? Hiding?!"

"Go ahead, pee.”
And she walks off"

I felt like kicking her ass.

And the cards.

At fortune teller's?

This too, damn it, she checks all
the time if she'll be happy with me.

She makes me press my thumb
'cause a reflexologist told her so.

Anyway, a chick buys cheese, two buns,
and sausages for 11,20.

She pays by a credit card,
so I move to the other checkout

and she comes to mine
'cause there is no card reader there.

- And they check there.
- In the system.

- Via the satellite.
- If she has 11,20 in her account.

Eleven twenty.

N ow enter your pin code
and push the green button.

First your pin code.

Gentlemen. Cash or credit card?

Cash!

I was to give a lecture on Gender
Mainstreaming in Art and Culture.

So before it
I go to men's room for a leak.

And I see it's full - full of girls.

Some club party - talking to guys,
sipping beer, smoking.

I sneak into a cubicle and it's a flop.
I just freeze.

I'm listening to the girls' talk
about the sex typing process...

- and I can't pee for fear I'll fart.
- And?

- And I ran.
- No lecture?!

I couldn't lecture them
with full bladder

or after farting in their presence.

Women's perfect world
- Gender-neutral society.

Gender differences must be removed.

Since there're no gender-neutral
humans nor gender-neutral societies,

let's remove the dictate
to be a man or woman.

Then everybody will relax

and gender-neutrality
will become ever present.

Women don't want equality, meaning
being better at home and worse at work.

Work is better than home 'cause it gives
more money, honor, and freedom.

And at home she is grounded
with her husband and kids.

The real aim of equality
is women's independence

from husbands and children.

To achieve full freedom women
want to live like men.

Men are to behave like women.

Now a woman will decide
what she expects of her man

He has to comply.

Women reject men - they don't need us.

Right, she'll buy
an auto-fucking condo...

Condom.

She'll have a baby with a test tube
and we're needless.

Who are they going to reflect
in when they eliminate us?

Goska get in here,
grandpa's finished peeing.

Shut the door at least.

You shut up.

I have to cool my face with cold water

- Shit on you!
- Same to you!

- Aren't you taking a leak?
- With chicks?!

They are shy.

Leak, you dwarfs!

We'll hold it.

Finally, there is a chance
for taking a leak properly.

Fuck!

- Come on!
- What?!

Whistle.

N ow that's different

Occupied!

Do we really have it better?

My female classmates
will outlive me by 8 years.

It's enough to castrate a guy
and he will live as long as them.

Two cases - a woman hits a guy,
a guy hits a woman.

The second case causes an outrage.

Both fathers and mothers are more
likely to hit a son than a daughter.

An average kid until they are 18
will see 40,000 murders on screen,

97% of the victims will be males.

Women and men commit the same
number of homicides within marriages.

But prison sentences
for men are longer.

Aguy who kills a woman,
is a degenerate.

A woman who kills a man
“must have had a reason.”

- And he “deserved it.”
Unemployment is the same for a guy

as rape for a woman.
There are lots more homeless guys.

They fall prey to addictions,
commit suicides.

- “So guys are worse".
- Or there's equality between genders.

Occupied.

Occupied.

The features we used to be praised for
- Strength and responsibility

are considered brutality
and patriarchal oppression.

And at the same time women's
magazines scream out

"Where have all the masculine men
gone?!" Chicks want independence

but also care.
Men must be both knights

- and empathic ladylike partners.
- It gets hard to understand them.

Be strong and weak;
Be warm, kind, sensitive

and as hard as steel
all at the same time.

- What's expected of us?
I don't know what kind of man

I'm supposed to become,
so I'll stay a boy.

Women have a choice:
Stay at home or go to work.

Men have no choice. If they stay
at home, the stereotype'll kill them.

Henpecked husband, fairy,
loser, lazy bum...

A guy can't tell his boss
he has to pick up his kid!

- There's a paternity leave.
- 11 days.

- They'll take it to go fishing?!
- Mothers have 16 weeks.

Swedes take it to hunt on elk.

- Women don't want us to take
maternity leave! - Paternity.

They want to humiliate guys
with this fucking leave.

How much can I raise
my child in 11 fucking days?

At the best, I can get all smeared up
in shit changing diapers, spill soup,

or fall over pushing a pram.

"So that she could say to me
“What? You can't even do that?"

A man can't hear the difference
between different baby cries.

A woman can do it perfectly.

All a man can hear is that the baby's
crying. But he doesn't know why.

A woman knows whether
it's hungry, or in pain.

While changing diapers,
the father says the baby's name

3 times more often than its mother.

The sound of the baby's name
makes him more aware of its autonomy.

In time, the father should take over.

He is the guide
for the growing child.

He explains the world
and becomes its idol.

Mom ain't nothing like dad...

I don't fear the dark

Coz my father's holding my hand.

Ateenager needs a father
more than a mother.

- Feminists wouldn't like to hear that.
- Feminists my ass.

They are men.

They padded their chests
and pretend to be females.

They're one of the reasons
why we have the fatherhood crisis

Demanding equal rights, they encourage
men to shun responsibility.

This is not in men's nature.

Masculinity requires adversity.
It changes things, or restores them.

- Masculinity in Greek...
- Andreia.

Means courage.
Masculinity's the last but one resort.

Then, there's only
prayer and resignation.

Aman hates asking for directions,
when he gets lost.

A man controls dangerous situations.

In his private life, he protects
the weak: his wife and kids.

In public life, he's aflerjustice.

Admiring him, we admire ourselves,
coz we all need role models.

But they try to separate
fathers from their children.

A baby's such an attractive
erotic partner for its mum...

- Say what? - A baby loves
its mum unconditionally.

It's fully dependent on her.

Grateful for everything
she does for it.

At the age of 2, boys start
being jealous of their fathers,

because the latter want to have
their share of the mothers' attention.

In a Phrygian legend, Attis,
jealous of his mother Agdistis,

castrates himself before her eyes
shouting: 'Tis for you, Agdistis!

Sweet.

A man loses to a child,

because a woman prefers to be
with her kid rather than her husband.

- My wife slept with my son...
- So did mine.

Till he was 11.

Then she carried him to bed
and tied his shoes till he was 14.

I could either try to stand
the kid's constant crying,

or just stop giving a fuck.
So I chose that.

Here, the father's beyond
the process of growing up.

Men are excluded.
So they hold a grudge.

They resort to excessive work,
alcohol, and other women.

When fathers are gone,
the tragedy begins.

There's no God, the soul's a cell,
the father can be smacked.

Big boys have pain and anger
in their hearts,

because they've become
the seduced victim

of an aggressive,
and sexually neglected mother.

"Let me change in front of you"

"Bad boy, peeping on mom."

"Come, give mommy a hug."

"Aren't you ashamed of sneaking
into mom's bed like that?"

"Mommy will give you a bath."

"What're you playing with there?
Keep your hands on the duvet."

"Nasiy boy!"

A boy is convinced
his father hurt him.

Then he realizes he wasn't in fact
abandoned by him,

- but seduced by his mother.
- If he realizes anything at all.

His father was his rival,
and he beat him with his mom's help.

He has an unrealized sense of guilt
which he conceals with aggression

How come men agree to have
their children taken away from them?

Why don't they fucking fight back?

If a man loves a woman...

he stands no chance.

Coz she'll always love the kid more.

Some male insects don't even have
an alimentary canal.

They'rejust a one time
reproductive device.

They don't even get to eat
before they die.

A male may have a pretty tail,
but it's there to please a female.

A male pheasant looks so cool

just to attract predators.

Having watched too much
of 'Animal Planet' recently?

Sun/eys show the mother's
the fucking backbone of a family.

She does it with dirty tricks.

She took over the children and
set them against the father.

She humiliated him
and now is like Cerberus,

guarding the door
and keeping him out.

Why don't women want
to help their husbands?

So that everything falls apart
to prove you're no good.

Mothers don't really want
their husbands back.

They don't want to share
their authority over the child.

The child's told
his father's a nobody,

and it's hard to be nobody's child.

- We live in a fatherless society.
- 97%...

of kids after a divorce
stay with their mothers.

The court needs time to see
that the father's a pedophile or sadist.

In 97% of broken homes

it's the fathers who are bad,
irresponsible, helpless, and uncaring

Judges claim to be impartial,

but it's enough for a kid to draw
its dad a little aside...

and they rule that the father has
poor contact with his offspring.

Aforensic examination proves
the mother beats up the kid,

but it stays in her custody.

If the kid's not yours though,
they'll stick it to you right away.

Some broad claimed
she had my friend's kid.

- It wasn't his?
- I don't know

The bitch came up with it,
once he started earning big time,

- and the kid was 7.
- Holy fuck.

The broad brought her booboo
for the hearing.

- Say who?
And he's a redhead!

- And the dude?
- Black.

- A Negro?
- No, just black-haired.

Her partner is there, too.

He's fiery red and the kid
is his spitting image.

Unfucking believable.

The weasels and the kid
sit on a bench like soccer fans.

Thejudge can see
they're chips off the same block,

but still she affiliates
the red snot nose to my black buddy,

along with the reimbursement
and a gigantic alimony to go with it.

Everybody knows the judge
and the bitch studied together,

and you are fucked, coz a man
in a family court is always screwed.

It's hard to acknowledge that
we're discriminated against.

That'd be like revealing
our weakness.

- We mustn't be weak.
- A boy doesn't cry.

He cries... inside.

So when we're victimized by women,
no one takes our complaints seriously.

Coz it's never serious.

My wife beats me.

Are you kidding?

Only when I deserve it

Fuck! How?

- With a leash.
- What?

A dog-leash.

Right in the face.

Damn!

I filed a complaint
at the police station.

And?

The cops were laughing
their asses off.

Pricks.

I need to be silent for a minute.

As for honesty...

Firstly, when you meet a woman,
she needs to spit everything out.

And secondly?

- When you think she's done...
- And drop your guard...

She blasts you at your soft spot

They must dump it all on us,
so that they could start from scratch.

Like the past doesn't matter,
coz she confessed it to you.

From then on you must
carry the burden alone

and torture yourself with what she
told you. - Maybe once.

"I hadn't been
with anyone for 7 years."

I told her that
once we went steady.

She replies "Nor have I".

So I think "Two halves
of the same apple have come together."

And then she says "Well, maybe once."

What do you mean?"
I ask stiffening a bit.

- "That meant nothing" says she.
- It may have been nothing,

but still it keeps bugging me.

So some time later I say to her
"We must be open about our problems,"

"and my problem now is
that one time thing of yours."

- It might have happened once only.
- It might, but this "once" matters.

I ask her what it was
- "It was nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing'?
What about this "once?"

She says they just kissed.
"Just kissed". Jesus Christ!

Kissing is the most important thing!

Kissing is the most spiritual
form of intercourse.

I didn't tell her that,

but it bothers me till today.

- It'd bother everyone.
- I keep asking like a fool.

I ask her how it was.
She says it was quite nice.

"But, of course, not as nice
as it is with you."

So it's nicer with me, but still that
was nice too. "Quite nice."

So each time I kiss her,
it's like kissing that other guy.

No! I always try to kiss her
better than he did.

But I don't even know
howthe fuck he kissed her!

So I exaggerate trying, I stop
being myself, and she's confused,

while I become him kissing her.

I'm trying so hard,

so she asks "What are you doing?"
"Kissing you", I reply.

"You're kind of drilling my mouth."
Fucking shit!

They just have to tell you everything
once you come home.

I come dead fucking tired from work.

I barely put my slippers on,
and there she goes.

She'll talk you to death,

before you put the other slipper on.

Kids.

Garbage.

Taps.

Craps.

Everything.

- No exceptionses.
- Exceptions.

Exceptionses.

I'm still looking for a wife.

You got one.

I'm looking for that special one.

That's why I stare at women

In fact I'm also waiting
for the right one.

I go to a park.

With your wifey?

That too, sometimes.

I check out the chicks.
"Maybe this one..."

Her ass is so cute.

With a nice crinkle on her skirt
jumping between her buttocks.

You wanna find a wife
looking at her back?

Or maybe the one
strolling down the alley...

with misty blue eyes
below a fringe of blond hair?

She's perfect.
Some twenty-year-old.

But what will I tell her dad?
- What will he tell you?

Whenever I pass a girl like that,
I start making faces,

pretending I'm better, more sensitive
and prettier than I really am.

I lick my lips
to make them look fresh,

- and puff them out like a faggot.
- Watch that, or they may sue you.

- I part my lips like a pussy.
- 'Gay', not a 'faggot'.

I make sweet eyes. In a word,
I try to showthat I'm not who I am

What's most common now'?
A hottie - tiny ass,

walking lightly on high heels.
Pretty classy, you'd say.

And next to her walks
that sloppy pork chop.

What do they see
in those shaven heads?

Pig faces are in fashion.

I didn't see so many boars
even in Russia.

It's a whole new population of boars

intelligentsia stewed to death.
Rednecks multiplied like vermin.

The Polish Boers' Republic.

Could she just not tell me that then?!

An those bags of theirs...

Once they start looking
for their car keys in them...

Why did I ask her about that, man?

I tell her:

"You've been looking for those keys
for over 3 years."

- Keys?
- In the blistering cold.

"I did put them in there."

"Do you love me?"

"Very mu ch."

"So always put them
in the same pocket in your bag."

But it seems
she doesn't love me that much.

- Mine puts her keys in one pocket.
- But?

There's a hole in it,
so it's fucking bullshit.

In the movies, she looks
for her lipstick for 1 hour

and then for the rest
of the show puts it back in.

Who the fuck would notice in the dark
that she wears no lipstick?

Generally, fucking shit, man.

A woman's bag
is a fucking nightmare, shitty crap.

I pray in church to control my anger,

fucking hell!
And to overcome my fucking trauma,

but then she starts searching her bag,

as if trying to catch a rat
that's hiding in it.

She rattles and rattles and all my
prayers go to fucking hell.

- Hats off!
Pardon me?

No more hats in church.
If women want to be equal to men,

- no more hats, toques, caps...
- Kepis.

Kepis...
scarves, or even headbands

And, of course, we're expected
to be sexual titans.

Don't they ridicule us enough
on these matters.

Constantly complaining!

Is your wife complaining about you?

I made a general remark.

More and more men
are afraid to fail in bed.

They're victims of the myth
of a steel penis.

They think they should be able
to penetrate women

at their beck and call.

That precisely makes a penis...

apiece of play-dough.

They treat us as handicapped in bed.

They call men studs.

We are like objects to be consumed.

She shows you an article with tips
on how to give her an orgasm,

and demands you do it
step by step.

They watch soap operas, where life's
a fable and everyone makes a fortune,

so they expect you to be
their provider... their delivery boy.

Women never want men
with no dough.

They don't wanna be with weak men.

They should try to love men,
not to understand them.

Wasn't that about women?
The other way round?

Everything was
the other way round once.

Long fucking...

quick peeing.

They submit everything about us
to endless testing,

from our wallets
to our performance in bed

Coz we have to pop wood,
and all they do is just lie down.

That's simple.

We gotta have a stander,
and they can just lie down.

Sweet.

Everyone can lie down.

Or she's thinking
about something else.

During the act.

You know what you gotta do
to make her scream long after the act?

No way.

Wipe your dick on the curtain.

And after having sex...

you're exhausted
and she's even more lively.

You're dead, and she's aroused.

You'd like to go to sleep,
and she'd like to ramble.

You need to be alone sometimes.

And she needs closeness
and exclusivity.

And that constant "Do you love me?"

I fucking do!

What matters is
whether she feels loved.

I may tell her that a million times,

but if she doesn't feel it, there's
no fucking use anyway. Simple.

Coz chicks like words...

and men like actions.

I may love her all right,
but not necessarily when she asks

What?

I'm just thinking

- about all those full condos...
- Condoms.

With sperm cast
into garbage dumpsters.

Yeah?

Shit... you could be one of them.

What?

Condoms?

Sperm! That is.

But you, obviously, weren't cast away.

Maybe I was.

And I'm somebody else.

A human's basic genetic program
is female.

Bullshit.

And the essence of masculinity,
the Y chromosome is shrinking.

It is getting smaller.

You know that intelligence is
passed on the distafi side?

Stop bullshitting.

The mother's genes develop the part
of the brain cherished the most:

- the cerebrum.
- Don't fucking do it to me, man!

And basic instincts and emotions
we mainly inherit from fathers...

- That's Why I'm pissed all the time.
- But intelligence...

from mothers.

Oh! LOOK!

Some chick is yawning.

Bare belly button!

That's some yawning whore
- She's not a whore. I think.

Not a whore but yawns like a whore!
- True.

- She won't cover it.
- Belly button?

Won't cover her mouth, that is.

What a mug, I've seen her somewhere

- She's waving. Stop.
- What for? - We'll take her.

Chicks are the weaker sex.

And if it's so,
I owe' em support and care

For the sake of self-respect, at least!

Not bad, she is.

- Mug - you said.
- Only when yawning.

She's yawning all the time.

Where do you... would you like to go?

We're heading to Ohicksville
Do you want a lift?

We'll take you wherever you want.

No worries.

You could keep on yawning.

And rummaging in your purse,
searching.

It's very good for oxygenation,
supposedly!

And since you are yawning it proves
you feel safe with us, relaxed.

We are half way...

The time is flowing as we go beyond...

"you are captured in memory fond."

And...?

She won't go.

She is a fucking stupid cunt,
deaf maybe.

Oh, sorry.

It must be a blood circulation problem.

What? Why didn't I get in?

I know well this tale.

That tale...

For the next 20 years...

And they lived long and unhappy...

never being their real selves

when with each other.

Let's go.

"Nobody's calling."

Even a chick.

Even a chick on a black man.

I think all this feminism comes
from not getting banged enough.

That's possible.

Have you seen a well fucked chick
that'd fight for something, anything?

Isn't that a simplification?

I mean, not getting banged
enough in psychological sense.

For me, a well fucked chick is one
who feels:

A) desired,

b) safe,

c) evolving.
With a guy she feels that, those.

If she feels like that, it means
I fucked her well.

And if she doesn't experience this
with me, it means I fucked up.

I screwed up her and our relationship.

Our entire life we sacrifice for women.

First for our mother...

- Then...
- For granny...

Granny? No.

For girlfriends...

fiancees...

wives... lovers...

women.

For those who left me, dropped me,
failed me...

just to show them.

For those I'm presently with
- The same, to impress them.

For those I dream of, or wait for
and know not their faces yet...

to deserve'em...

Half way through my life

my path led me astray
into a deep dark forest.”

I have been doing everything
for them, and in fact, I still do.

If one day women
disappeared from the earth,

I'd find no reason to get out of bed.

Even the Pope directed his last words
to a woman.

Old cunt.

"How'?! Wasn't it
“Let me go to the Lord?!"

"...return to the Lord."

But he said it to Sister Tobiana.

Fuck me!

And the first believer was a woman.

- Was she?
- First believer: Holy Mary.

Oh, Jesus.

Mary Magdalene is nowadays called
the apostle of apostles.

She's standing
over the male disciples.

You're going over the top.

Women followed Jesus
up to the cross on Golgotha.

Of all the guys only John reached
the top of the hill on his own will.

- The rest burnt fucking rubbers.
- I beg you!

- Do something!
- What can I do to a woman?!

Fuck!

Old cunt.

By the way,
I was supposed to be a girl.

Me too, I mean, two girls.

- Why do they say "female wind"?
- 'Cause it blows the fuck out of you.

So I'm getting near to Guysville,
but I don't know which way to turn.

What fight?

Ah, I get it, to the right?

Okay, you mean left.

I'll turn left. See ya.

- She signals right and turns left...
- But soon she'll turn right.

No.

- Watch it - it's a chick, for sure.
Maybe she'll turn where she turns

Turn where she turns,
she'll go to the other side

Sometimes they
turn where they turn

- Do the opposite!
- She does too.

- Flash!
- Done!

- Honk!
- Done!

- To the side!
- She too!

- Fuck!
- Fucking chick!

She's turning where she's turning
- Impossible.

- She's the one who does it.
- So we're...

Fucked!

And what's with the chick?

She's driven away.

And we'll be cut out with...

acetylene...

English dialogues:
Agata Deka, Adam Felin'ski