Man Camp (2019) - full transcript

After losing their dad as kids, the 3 Mann boys return to the family cabin every year to remember him, but when they walk in on their mom with a secret fiance, their trip becomes a wild test to see if he's Mann enough to join the family.


[Adam] Our dad could have
beat the shit out of your dad.

I'm not bragging,
it's just a fact.

You may have heard that
the human head weighs 11 pounds

and the neck
shouldn't be able to support it.

Our dad's
mustache alone weighed 12,

and his neck didn't give a shit,
because it was basically a third bicep.

He drove an '89 350.

Got ten miles to the gallon,

but he offset his carbon
footprint by growing our mom

a fresh bouquet of flowers
every single day.

I still drive it.

Him and our mom had three boys.

Adam, that's me, Tim, and Kevin.

With our powers combined,

we never once
got him to the ground,

and Tim was a high school state
champion wrestler in junior high.

Every summer, we'd go to the
cabin he built with his bare hands,

because tools are for cowards,

and he showed us
everything there was to know

about being a man.

Building fires, chopping
down trees, subduing bears.

You know, the basics.

He called it "Man Camp",

and then
when I was 16 years old,

he ran into the one thing that
he couldn't take down

with his world class
ax throwing abilities.

He got cancer.

And within months,

the greatest man to
walk the planet was gone.

Now, your dad
might still be alive,

but if they ever
do throw down in Heaven,

or you know, I don't
how all that's going to work,

but if they do,

our dad will absolutely
beat the shit out of your dad.

♪ This is true when I see
your face It pops up ♪

♪ And I don't know what to do ♪

♪ Because your beauty
it makes me a dance ♪

♪ Just know that I adore you ♪

♪ So I'll sing it
through the air ♪

♪ I'll sing it through the air ♪

Can we not do this today?

Stop licking it, eat it.

[giggling and babbling]

If you like the taste,
then put it all the way in.

If you like the way it tastes,
then put it in your belly.

Look at me, you eat
that oatmeal right now.

You put it in your mouth and you
swallow it or I will take your blankie

and I will burn it like Captain
von Trapp burning the Nazi flag.

Do you understand? I can
get rid of you in a second, bud.

They got orphanages
on every corner.

I thought the breakfast
battle would be over by now.

Hey, is this thing ours,
because I'm not,

I'm not feeling
super sure about it.

You saw him come out of me, so.

Indeed, indeed I did.
How was the gym?

Ugh, Kristen, you know,

the one who is
only eating raw bacteria

for three weeks
to reset my vagina?

Cornered me about
her pyramid scheme again.

- Did you get in the pyramid, babe?
- No, I did not, babe.

Babe, you got a chance
to get in a pyramid,

you get in there, you get
that forbidden treasure, babe.

Oh, you're dumb. [kissing]

- Did you start packing for your trip yet?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah?

What is the matter with you?
It's Man Camp Week!

Usually you're all like,
"Oh, cook up this meat!

Grab me a beer,
scratch my balls.

Yeah." [grunting]

- Whoa!
- Wow, that's what I'm like?

Yeah, when you're
with the your brothers, yes.

Well, I'm just a little tired of being
the only adult in the family, you know?

It's been like
babysitting the last few years.

[robot beeping]

Not now, Artiz,
I'm trying to make a point.

Really?

Listen, can't you just,

like, crack the whip
and tell me I can't go?

- Crack... the whip?
- Yeah.

- You know, the whip.
- Oh, ugh, mm.

Lots of wives do it.

You're disgusting and no,

I'm not going to let you
end your 12 year tradition

- of celebrating your dad's life at the cabin, okay?
- [Adam sighs]

Now, I'm going to go shower.

I've had a morning, okay?
Clean this up, please.

- Thank you.
- Okay, bye.

- Bye, I love you.
- Love you.

Oh, hey, babe? Uh, we got to
burn Max's blankie.

I can't afford to
make another idle threat.

- Have fun. Bye.
- Bye.

Don't get too drunk.

- I will!
- Okay.

Oh, God, okay. Uh, yeah.

Yep, okay.

There... there you go.

♪ I'm amazing, I'm the one ♪

♪ Yeah, you looking the best ♪

♪ Yeah, you looking
at number one ♪

♪ I got to tell 'em, got
to tell 'em, got to tell 'em ♪

♪ Yeah, you looking at fire ♪

♪ Caught you looking
yeah, no cap with that ♪

♪ Because when the bees
to the knees like 100 degrees ♪

- ♪ It's the B to the EST ♪
- [knocking]

- [Adam coughing]
- What the hell do you want, man? It's like 10:00 in the morning.

Yeah, man, that's not early,
so is Tim around?

- Tim, resident Tim?
- Yeah.

Yeah, nobody
comes in just to see Tim.

Not nobody, not no how.

Yeah, man,
I'm his older brother, so.

Oh, bro, why didn't you say so?
Come on in.

This guy from
the President Tim poster.

Hey, man, I saw
a picture of your wife.

- Did you?
- Yeah, it's right there.

It's actually a
picture of you and your wife.

Not a day goes
by that I don't regret

letting that
little one off the hook.

I, I don't know
what you mean, what?

Me and Katie, we were a...
a thing.

All right, what about this?

♪ Let's get the starty parted! ♪

- [slaps belly]
- ♪ Ooh, ooh! ♪

Eric Brinkerhoff?

In the flesh.

[tearing the picture]

Katie Baker is married... to me.

[door opens]

- [Adam] Tim.
- Adam!

- Bro!
- Broski.

- Broski?
- Brocahontas.

- Brocapontas.
- Brontosaurus.

- Brohannesburg.
- Bone browth.

- Saxobrone.
- Dearly bebrothed.

- Broner.
- Potato potahbro.

- Bronze Julius.
- Broreos and milk.

♪ Brone, brone, brone, brone ♪

[Adam and Tim together]
♪ Brone, brone, brone ♪

♪ Brone, Brone ♪

♪ Brone, Brone, Brone ♪

- What's up, dude?
- Did you skip the party last night?

Uh, I wasn't
really in the mood to rage,

but I saw the ladies
in here and wowza,

so I kept it to a 12-pack
and hung around for a bit

to fulfill
my presidential duties,

- look after these fine lads.
- [retching]

I'm going to go
wait in the truck.

Cool, uh, let me grab a quick rinse,
then we'll head, okay?

- Man Camp!
- [Adam] Man Camp!

So, uh, is Katie
staying home alone?

Hey bud, why don't you
rinse off when we get there?

I'm going to get out of here.

So you, uh, planning
on graduating anytime soon?

Or are you just going to kind of hang out,
become the next-door

- dude perving on people's family pictures?
- Come on, dude.

What do you mean "come on?"
That guy was fricking perving on Katie.

Everyone pervs on Katie,
dude, it's the circle of life.

Every... so you perv on Katie,
that's something you do?

She had, like, a baby last year,
so obviously not lately,

that'd be
pretty messed up, dude.

Besides, she family's on me.

- Brewski?
- I'm driving.

- Right, stick shift.
- I don't know, man.

All this partying,
drinking nonstop,

different girl every week.

At some point you're
going to have to grow up.

What, so I can get
it together like you?

Get a wife, kid, sell like two
cars a month, pay taxes and shit?

It must be pretty lonely
on the top of that mountain.

You don't pay taxes?

I don't know, Dad,
let me check with my accountant.

Hello, Mr. Steinberg's office.

- Yeah, I'll hold.
- Dude, don't be a dick.

Fake out, dude!
It's not even a real phone, bro.

Mom told me you
were an accident.

Well, um, life, uh...

Finds a way.

♪ You're amazing, the one ♪

♪ Yeah you looking at the best ♪

♪ Got you, got you
looking at number one ♪

♪ I got to tell 'em, got
to tell 'em, got to tell 'em ♪

- ♪ Yeah, you looking at fire ♪
- ♪ What you looking ♪

♪ Yo, no cap with that
I've got the moves ♪

- [knocking]
- [Adam] Mom?

[knocking]

Mom, we're home!

[dog barking]

I don't see Kevin's GoPed.

[birds chirping]

He's living in
the garage, right?

- [knocking]
- Hey, Kev, bud?

- [knocking]
- Kev?

Where the hell is everybody?

[airy instrumental music]

Brave warrior Bill,

you must journey to
the Forbidden Mountain

and save my father from
the shadows of the Dark Lord.

I will, my lady, and when I return I
shall ask for your hand in marriage.

And at that time you
shall have your true reward.

The Mighty Ax of Kabazaduil.

Bro, wake up dipshit!

My lady?

- Kevin, hello, it's Tim!
- Tim?

- Is he on drugs or something?
- Let's try his, that language that he knows.

[speaking gibberish]

I don't actually know the
language, I don't actually know.

[speaking gibberish]

[snapping fingers]

Kevin, Kevin, wake up.

He hasn't gotten
any better at drawing.

[Adam] Kevin, wake up,
dude. Hey, Kev.

Hey, bros.

I... To what do I... I owe
this... prestigious pleasure?

It's Man Camp week, dude.

It's Man Camp...
it's Man Camp weekend?

Sure, uh, sure, yeah.
Totes, totes knew that.

Yeah, is... is Mom around?

Actually, mom... Mom is, uh,
let me check the planner.

Oh, she said...

Um, yes. See, a work retreat.

A work retreat?

Uh, yeah, something
about team building exercises.

For her business that
she owns herself,

and she doesn't
have any employees?

Mm-hmm.

She wasn't worried at all

about missing us on
her way up to the cabin?

Yeah, well, I'm sure she'll be
here when we get back, so

we'll see her then to say hi.

So, how is it man?

All moved in back at home,
is it, uh, pretty nice?

Epic.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, it's sweet.

Um, you know, other than that

I'm just killing it
at college right now.

Five year plan.

I thought, uh, online college

was like a less than
two year kind of thing.

Yeah, if you're intellectually
inferior and only want one degree.

I have four already,
so we got philosophy,

astrophysics, quantum
mechanics, and home economics.

Wow, is... is Mom paying or?

I'm going to stop you there.
Uh, she will be reimbursed.

It's all part of,
you know, five year plan, so.

You got a job then or?

Yeah, I started my own
business actually, distribution.

Of what?

Uh, just like,
beer, wine, spirits.

Oh, you're a liquor rep
for, uh, for who?

People that can't get it themselves,
like they're either too young

or not old enough,

or in a lot of cases they're just
born later than they should've been.

Kevin, that's illegal, bud.

[chuckles] Where does it say
that in the Constitution?

Because this is America and
last I checked I'm American, so.

You're selling
alcohol to children, Kevin.

Well, they identify as adults,

so, jeez, that's insensitive.

Hey, isn't this guy in jail for running
an illegal cat fighting ring or something?

Cats? [laughs]

No, rabbits actually.

It's way higher net revenue.

[woman] Tim?

Shit, it's
Christy Borders, hide me.

Tim, is that you? Hey, guys,
it's been, like, forever.

Tim, you look all grown up.

What's up? Hey, Christy, we, uh,
we were just about to leave, so.

Oh, yeah? Where are you guys...
oh, your little Min Camp.

- It's called Man Camp. [chuckles]
- [whispering] She's the worst.

Uh, you know, Tim, I was
cleaning out my closet recently,

and, uh, found that love poem
you wrote me. Do you remember?

- Nope.
- [Christy laughs] Oh, come on, yeah, you do.

You wrote it in eighth grade
to ask me to prom,

and you titled it, like,
"Sexy Poem."

It sounds like a fake poem.

Well, it's real
and I found it, um...

kind of bummed I didn't say
yes seeing as how you grew up.

Well, uh, you didn't
so, sucks for you I guess.

Yeah, um, well,
you guys enjoy your "Man Camp."

Bye, Tim.

[Adam]
Really nice to see you, Christy.

What's your deal with her, dude?

You used to be obsessed
with her when we were kids.

Now you actually have a shot,
and you're being a total douche.

Well, now she has
wooden teeth, okay? Hard pass.

Come on, let's go.

The ice, put it in.

Did you guys see the
way she was flirting with me?

[twangy country music]

♪ Well, I got habits ♪

♪ Some good, some bad ♪

♪ I like to smoke and drink
and see women I've never had ♪

[energetic dance music]

What can I
get you fine gentlemen

this glorious post morning?

Post.

Uh, where's Sam?
He's never not here.

Ah, yes, our proprietor
is currently indisposed.

And he left you in charge?

They call me Kurt.

I got to take a piss.

Great, uh, Kurt, can we
just get four bourbons, please.

- [Kurt laughs]
- [Adam] Straight up.

You don't want that.
Allow me to delight your senses

with my self-authored specialty.

Including handcrafted bitters,
which I crafted myself, with my hands.

Uh, yeah, no, no specials,
just the four bourbons, please.

Actually that sounds delightful,
I'll try one of those. On the house.

Kevin, it's tradition.

Four bourbons, nothing else.

And you can't order
things on the house.

One Kurt Special on the house.

It's delicious.

[Adam] Okay, you know what?

Just the four bourbons, please.

Straight up, nothing else.

I don't know what's happening
to this place, but I don't like it.

- Whiskey au gelatin.
- Oh, come on.

- It's Jello shots.
- Whatever. Um...

To Dad.

- To Dad.
- [glasses clinking]

Really?

[coughing]

- We're not paying for this.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.

[twangy country music]

[Tim] Let's do this.

I can still feel
him up here, you know?

Me too.

Or the altitude,
but I'm pretty sure it's Dad.

Enough with the
ghost stories, boys.

These beers aren't
going to drink themselves.

[slow sensual music]

[dramatic music]

Mom?

Mom!

Mom!

[gasps]

Adam, oh, my God!

Why are you naked?

You should never be nude, Mom.

Timmy, I am not naked.

Oh, hey, Mom.
How's the work retreat going?

Oh, no, Kevin!

- What are you all even doing up here?
- What are you doing here?

It's Man Camp week.

It's this weekend?

- Yeah.
- [Mom] Oh, shit!

Okay, fine, I'll, uh...
I'll just gather my things up.

I forgot that it was this...
[grunts]

Sometimes a woman just needs
some special time

- alone to herself to...
- Oh, God, Mom, no!

Gross! No explanation
necessary, please.

Don't be such a
little bitch, Adam.

Explanation fully necessary.

So, you're just here by yourself
having special time then?

Yes, yes.

[dramatic music]

[man] I hear there's a few logs

that need to be
split in this here woods.

[chuckles] Oh!

Oh, oh, I, uh, wow.

[chuckles]

I was just, uh,
getting some wood.

No, I, it's so nice
to actually meet you guys.

[laughing nervously]

Hi! [chuckles]

Um.

You must be... Oh.

- Tim.
- We can talk this through.

- Tim. Tim.
- [dramatic music]

- [Adam] Mister, g...
- No, no, no, I, we should...

Tim, Tim, Tim!

Go! Grab him! Run!

- [Mom] Stop it!
- Run!

[Tim growling]

[Mom] Tim! Stop that!

- [Tim growling]
- Stop it!

[shrieking]

- Um...
- Shh!

Maybe... some
introductions are in order.

Well, now that's
a great idea, Kevin.

- Okay, I'm Alan.
- [Tim yells]

Uh, guys, guys,
relax, just chill, bros.

Um, you know, maybe I can,
do you mind if I?

I... I think I can
explain what's going on here.

Mom and Alan are friends...

who apparently work together
since Alan is here on the work retreat.

- It's not a work retreat.
- [Kevin] Nothing going on here.

It's just,
it's just two work friends

doing what
work friends do, you know?

Riding work bikes and
going to the movies for work,

or going to
fancy work restaurants.

You know, or
having work sleepovers.

- You know, or all night work wrestling matches.
- Kevin.

It's just work.

Dude, you know this guy?

- Who, Alan?
- [Adam] Yeah!

- Yeah, of course. What's up, Alan?
- [Alan chuckles]

Mom, what the
hell is going on here?

Boys, look.

I've been wanting to
talk to you for a while.

I've met someone.

What the hell do you
mean you've met someone?

Well, Tim, is it?

When a man loves a woman...

I know exactly what happens
when a man loves a woman,

and it sure as hell
better not be happening

outside the boundaries
of holy matrimony!

Now, Tim, I think you need
to see the whole picture here.

Whole picture?

This isn't just about
physical stuff going on,

and believe me,
that is going on.

I think what I'm trying to say

is that sometimes
there's more to the story, okay?

And what more to
story is there, Alan?

It... There's nothing.
It... It's nothing.

- What he's trying to say...
- No, no, honey.

Bless you, but I know
what I'm trying to say.

I want you boys to know that
I'm a man of good intentions,

and I think that
if you boys understand

where this is
going with your Mom and I,

we can smooth
this whole thing over.

[chuckles]
Where things are going?

That's... That's great, it sounds
like you're planning a wedding.

[Kevin gasps]

Oh, shit.

What do you want me to say?

Okay, okay, so I guess...

I guess whatever we
think about all this is just,

who gives a shit
what we think about it. Wow.

I've got news
for you, young man.

I am 54 years old and
I think I am perfectly capable

of making a decision by myself,

and if you think you should've
been included in that decision,

well, I'm sorry,
I am, but I love this man.

- I love you too, Ther.
- Not now, babe.

I love him and I wanted to
wait to discuss it with you boys

until I saw that it was serious.

I can't imagine why I was
so nervous,

because you also
clearly have the ability

to handle
things like mature adults.

And if I hear you talk
to me in that language again,

I'm going to wash
your mouth out with bleach,

- do you understand?
- I'm a grown ass man.

God, okay, Mom, Mom!

Okay, jeez.

So, this is what
you wanted all along?

You just got stuck with Dad?

How dare you!

We always have s'mores
the first night, is that not?

[playful suspenseful music]

Hey, brother.

You need a push?

Judas! How long have you
known about this, Kevin?

Um, phew,
eight months and a half.

Maybe nine.

Nine months? Are they doing it?

Doing what?

It, sex, intercourse!

I couldn't say for sure,
but, yes, definitely.

You piece of human shit.

Why didn't you tell
us this was going on?

Because Mom seemed happy.

I mean, the happiest
I've ever seen her.

You know,
since everything happened.

And I knew you guys
would just lose your minds, so.

- You don't know that, dude.
- I do, I do know that!

Father Flynn, you planted
drugs on him because you thought

he hugged Mom for too long
at Christmas Eve service.

He's never hugged me that long.

And Alan is, he's not that bad.

You know, he can't
play baseball or fix a truck,

or play pranks as good
as Dad could,

but you know,
he's been really nice to me.

[playful suspenseful music]

Yeah, he probably doesn't have
Dad's sense of humor, does he?

He's probably a little
more emotionally fragile, yeah?

Uh, well, you know,
he did submit

this really thoughtful gardening
plan to Reader's Digest.

[Tim] Kevin, get in the truck.

We're going to need supplies.

[playful suspenseful music]

I am so glad that this is
now my top memory of this place.

Really, I'm thrilled about it.

God knows what else
has been going on up here.

Right, Adam,
and I'm just the town...

What?

- Bicycle.
- Bicycle?

Everyone goes for a ride on me.

Oh, gosh, Mom.

Sweetie, don't say that.

I made you some chamomile
to calm you down. [kissing]

I'll get you one.

Listen, Mom.

I'm not saying that you're
some kind of... whore, okay?

I'm just, you have to
understand this is hard for us.

This guy could be
anybody for all we know.

He, he, he could
be a serial killer.

He could be a rapist. He could
be a registered sex offender.

- Careful, it's hot.
- Thanks, but I'm pretty sure I saw a guy

that looked a lot like
him on To Catch a Predator.

Oh, I've got folding to do.

[whispering] These people
are out there.

- Oh, that's hot.
- [Alan] Told you!

Alan is not a predator,
don't be silly!

You know, I am sorry.

I don't want
you to be sorry, Mom.

I want you to act like
you give a shit what we think.

Hey, hey, mister. Watch the language.
Your mother already mentioned that.

[Adam] Oh, oh, okay,

so I can't come to
my Dad's cabin and say "shit",

but you're
fully welcome to come here

with no freaking pants on
and take care of quote,

"A log that needs splitting."

I don't even know
what that means, man.

That was a
flirtatious expression...

- My mom is not a log!
- Honey, please!

I know this is hard on you.

Why do you think we were afraid
to tell you guys in the first place?

Look how you boys are acting!

It's like having two clones
of your father in this room.

We're still a family, Mom.

Even if Dad's gone.

Yes, we are.

And I'm still a person
with a life,

and I deserve to have
someone to share it with.

[light instrumental music]

I'd give anything to
have your father back.

But that's not going to happen.

It's time you
boys understood that.

I need some air.

[light instrumental music]

[beer can popping]

[car engine rumbling]

Thanks for sticking around to
back me up. I appreciate it.

Don't worry about it,
everything's under control.

No, it's not, dude. I can't stand this guy,
he needs to go.

Way ahead of you, pal.

[crickets chirping]

[Theresa] Can I help you?

No, no, I've got it.

This is kind of my thing.

[water dripping]

I'm so sorry, Mom.

- You are?
- Yeah.

You know me,
I always go overboard.

I mean, it's like zero to 60
in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

[kissing] I love you.

What are you up to, Timmy?

Am I upset?

Yes, but does that mean that
I don't want you to be happy

and find some love in your life?

I mean, come on.

I'm not a monster.

Let us make it up to you.

It's all right.
Alan and I are going to go.

You guys have a great weekend

and we can talk
about this another time.

There's no time
like the present, okay?

Now, the boys and I
have a proposition,

and I think you'll
find it very appealing.

What?

Well, you go home
for the weekend, okay?

Hang out with your girlfriends, paint
your toenails, watch a little Gilly Girls.

- And, uh, we'll hang up here with Alan, just the boys.
- [Alan chuckles]

Okay, just
really get a real chance

to really get to know the
real Alan, Man Camp plus one.

Really?

Um, uh...

Yes, yes, yep.

Perfect, so
we're all in agreement.

- Uh, I, I don't think so.
- What?

- You have that look in your eye.
- What look?

The look that before you
burned the neighbor's shed down,

or you buried their
cat for meowing at night,

- oh, and when you booby trapped the teacher's lounge.
- Mom, Mom!

- That look.
- [Tim chuckles]

Mom, that was old Tim, okay?
This is new Tim.

That's sweet, honey,
but, um, Alan has some work

that he's just
got to get back to.

Honey, no, no, no.
I can reschedule that.

Yeah, you know, honestly,
I think this is a great idea.

There you go, Al, buddy.

Well. Oh!

[Tim] You won't regret this.

Hey, hey, hey, I know we came on
a little strong up there, okay?

- At the top.
- Just a little bit.

- And for that, I apologize.
- Oh.

[Tim sighs] And Kev says you're a
stand-up guy, so I trust my brother.

Let's try this again.

Welcome to Man Camp.

Well, thank you, New Tim.

I appreciate it.
Oh, that's good.

- I'm glad to have a new start and hit to old reset button.
- Yeah.

And just have a
little man on man time.

- What's that?
- Oh, you know, break down some barriers.

Just get going guy on guy,
I think it sounds amazing,

and you know what?

You've got
nothing to worry about,

because all we're
going to be doing up here

is just a couple of
guys taking it nice and deep.

I can't wait.

[playful music]

- So, I guess I'm going to have to split that log another time.
- [Theresa laughs]

- Stop!
- [both laughing]

Well, this is all going to be fine.
It's going to be okay, trust me.

Oh, you poor, poor sweet man.

- [Theresa] Oh!
- [Tim] All right, all set.

Okay, um, I'll call you
when I get home, okay?

- Oh, please do, sweetie.
- Drive safe, Mom.

- It's gonna be scary at night.
- Oh, oh, hey, you guys be good to him.

He's not used to these
sort of situations, okay?

- We'll take care of him, Mom.
- Okay, oh, my sweet boys. Oh.

- [Tim] All right.
- Oh, okay, okay.

- Drive safe, Mom.
- Okay.

Don't you worry about a thing.

When we come
down off of this mountain,

we're going to be
like peas and carrots.

- [Theresa] Aw, I love you, babe.
- Oh. [kissing]

- Bye!
- Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Mom.
- [Theresa] Bye!

[car engine revving]

Well, boys, here we go, ooh.

- Hey, buddy.
- Oh.

You ready to spend some
quality time with the boys?

[Alan] Oh, yeah. [groans]

I just had a
ruptured disc, I think.

Oh, my gosh, yeah, I can feel

those little pieces
floating around in my back skin.

I can't breathe really.

I think he's telling the truth.

His face looks
really fat and tight.

Oh, no, that's just
what his face looks like.

- No, okay, please.
- Okay. [laughs loudly]

- Oh.
- Just a little brotherly wrestling with you, Alan.

It's going to be a good
weekend up here. [chuckles]

I can't wait to just hang out
and see what you're all about.

Well, hang on,
are you winking to them

to surreptitiously suggest

that you're not going to
have a good weekend with me?

[laughs] Don't be silly, Alvis.

I've got something in my eye.

Oh, you know what? I think you
actually do have something in your eye.

[playful music]

- Oh, very good, Kevin!
- Not the time for magic, Kevin.

Hey, Kevin, I think I
might have a quarter in my eye.

I don't see
anything in your eye.

Maybe if I check into... oh!

- [laughing]
- Oh, come on.

Did you hear what
I just said, Alvin?

Actually, it's Alan.

Sure thing, Alice.

Oh, I get it.

You like to give each
other a little smack down, huh?

Kind of razz the bros,
well, I totally dig that.

Yeah, I dig it. I dig it with both shovels,
but I'll tell you something,

you better watch out,
because four can play that game.

Like, hey, you
little weirdo wankers.

Buncha weirdo wankers.

Don't tell your mother
I said that.

It's a good thing no one can
hear you way up here.

Away from the modern world.

You could scream your lungs out and no one
would hear you but the wind and the trees.

You know, Tim, that kind
of came across as a threat.

[chuckles]
The imagination on this one.

Let's get you situated.

Hey, are there any
more sleeping options?

Because I know there
are bedrooms downstairs,

and also I need
to use the potty.

Outhouse is over there.

Goodnight, baby bear.

[playful rock music]

[sighs]

[taking a deep breath] All right,
boys, homewrecker's all tucked in.

Great, so what's the plan?

Now this guy's
staying up here for Man Camp?

Dad would not be happy, dude.

Obviously Dad would be pissed

about Mom knocking boots
with Small Bunyan out there.

Okay, that guy is ugly, weak
as shit, and probably racist.

He... He teaches African American
Studies at the community college.

Classic racist cover-up, Kevin.

[Adam] You're avoiding
the question, man.

Why the hell did
you invite him up here?

We could've at least
had a decent weekend,

but now that's out the window.

Bro, trust.

After this weekend, you'll
never have to see him again.

I give you...

[eagle screeches]

the master plan.

Mom's on her way home now,
confident everything is cool.

Now, while she has a
nice little weekend to herself,

we keep that dong bag up
here and let the games begin.

You made this?

Yeah, dude,
I'm not a kindergartner.

I know basic cartography.

Oh, are those ninja stars?

Shuriken, read the legend.

[Adam] Oh, hey, that guy's
falling off a cliff.

This guy's just on fire. We're
going to light him on fire?

What do you think
I am, a psychopath?

He'll be
setting himself on fire,

which you would know
if you read the legend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This guy on fire,
that's supposed to be Alan?

- Yeah.
- Oh, no.

Uh-uh, no, I'm sorry,
change of allegiance, Tim.

Thanks, Kevin, yeah,
we're not torturing this guy.

But thank you for
ruining this entire weekend

because of your
stupid little plan.

So, you'd rather it just
be the three of us up here?

While he's down in our house
touching our mom? Dad's Mom?

Dude, I'm not a bigger fan of this guy
than you are, but we need a real plan.

You're acting as
if I didn't create

an incredibly detailed map
for that very purpose!

Are you even aware
of what's at stake here?

Kevin, tell him
what you told me.

The only place
a dream becomes impossible

is in your own mind.

About Mom and Alan.

Oh, um, they...
they love each other.

And how do they love each other?

In the sheets.

Thank you.

- Well...
- Sometimes on the couch.

Kevin, got it. Kind of
put two and two together

when we walked in on Mom spread
eagle on the bearskin rug.

Dad's bearskin rug.

Dad's Mom's bearskin rug.

Tim, I'm not going to jail again

for another one of your stupid
little plans. Goodnight.

[dramatic music]

Hey, I'm
starting to get the feeling

you don't care about
defending Mom's honor.

- Dad's Mom's honor.
- Okay, first of all, Dad's mom is Grandma,

and second,
yes, I absolutely do care,

but there has
to be a better way.

This is it, man. Pick a side.

I'm on your side,
but this kind of childish shit

is the exact reason
that Mom doesn't tell us

any of this stuff
in the first place.

Thank you, Dad, for the lecture.

Hey, let me know if
you see my brother around,

I need his help with something.

- I'm right here, Tim.
- Not you, Kevin.

I'm talking about
Captain Dingle over here.

You know what, dude? Fine.

You just kill a guy and
see where that gets you, okay?

Have fun.

I'm not crazy, okay, dude.
I get it.

You know,
maybe one day in the future

Mom's going to find
some guy or something, okay?

I'm not totally opposed to that,

but if he can't prove
himself a worthy successor,

by a few tests of manhood,

then, you know,
maybe he's not the right guy.

Death is not a test of manhood,
dude. He's not Jesus.

He can't rise from the dead.

Gandalf did it.

Gandalf did it,
thank you, Kevin.

Make a choice, Adam.
Are you in or out?

Choose!

Is that a bear?

[suspenseful music]

Bear pit.

Legend.

I'm going to bed.

And when I wake up,

this little idea of
yours better be gone.

All right, Adam.

You're the leader, map's out.

[Adam] Yeah, I'll
believe it when I see it, bud.

A snake this large would have to
be flown in from South America.

- Now, I have a guy but...
- [Tim] Give me that!

[birds chirping]

- [inhales]
- [coughing]

What's that smell?

Oh, I see we have a
late riser on our hands.

Good almost
afternoon to you, Adam.

What's... what's going on here?

Alan made us breakfast,
cruelty-free veggie omelets.

- They've got kale and everything.
- Oh.

It's like a dream come true.

- You're going to love it.
- These are delicious, Alan.

Now, Adam, what'll it be?

Would you like a two
cage-free free range egger

or a three
cage-free free range egger?

Uh, whatever.

What egg-er?

[laughing]

I just... I don't know.

We were just telling Alan

how we're throwing out
our plans for the weekend,

so we can just
get to know each other.

Oh, great.

That's great, thank you, Tim.
Thank you.

You know, I don't want to interrupt,
but I just was wondering,

what do you guys
usually do when you're here?

I mean, do you just hang out? Do
you just kind of shoot the crap, or what?

Just, you know,
typical guy stuff.

We, uh, we light stuff on fire.

We drink alcoholic beers.

You know, fish, whatever.

Ooh, yikes, I'll definitely
have to sit that one out,

because I can't
imagine anything crueler

than having
a hook in your mouth.

I mean, just, ugh, ow.

I, um, I respect your compassion

for all creatures
on this earth, you know I do.

But, um, and you
got to hear me on this.

Fish are not living things.

-They are the vegetables of
the sea. [Tim] No worries, Alan.

Fishing's out.

Our plans are out the window.

- We want to hear about your plans.
- Really?

Your mother and I were
going to do some birdwatching,

so we could definitely do
that, and they're in season,

and then also, oh, this tops it.
We not even bird.

I have all my
scrapbooking stuff up here.

- Scrapbooking?
- [Alan] Mm-hmm.

Adam loves scrapbooking.

No way! Are you a scrapper?

- Uh-huh.
- [Alan] I totally felt that, we're twinsies.

Well, tell you what? Why don't
you take the reins for today, huh?

- What do you say, Adam?
- Best plan I've heard in the past 24 hours, Tim.

[Alan] Oh, that's wonderful!

This is it, I'm going
to step up to the challenge.

Okay, does anybody want seconds

because we
definitely have seconds?

Is that a bird out there?

- [Tim] I don't eat breakfast after 10:00.
- Oh, okay. Kev?

Pick one of those.

[bright whistling music]

Ooh!

- Wow!
- You like it?

[bird chirping]

There you go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[bright whistling music]

[Alan] This is from my
seventh grade dream diary,

and it's, uh,
"One day I'll have friends."

[sighs]

All right, guys,
score is Team Awesome, three.

Team Friends Forever, zero.

All right, Kev, you're up.

Ha ha!

And go!

- Jaws.
- Yes!

- Yes, yes!
- Oh!

- Yeah!
- [Tim] Yes, come on!

- Bullshit!
- [cheering]

- There's no way, there's...
- [Tim] What, what?

Yeah, you guys got some
catching up to do, come on.

All right, I am
totally feeling this.

Are you ready, buddy?
Here we go.

Come on, we're syncing up, we're
all connected. Are you ready?

- Yep.
- Okay, here we go.

Bompity bo!

Oh, I know this one.
Here we go, ready?

And... go.

- [snorting]
- [Adam] Pig, pig, pigtail.

Pigtail, pig penis,
pig penis, pig...

- long penis.
- Come on, am I not getting through here?

Hey, you cannot
talk in this part.

- Okay, okay.
- Zipper.

Pig hands,
pig hands, pat-a-cake.

- And time.
- [Alan] Oh, oh, oh, it's so close!

- Oh, it was Hambone. That was one of mine.
- [Adam] Hambone?

The category was movies, Alan.

Yeah, I know I figured
that out about halfway through.

Okay, uh, I need to take a walk.

Uh, uh, uh, not so fast, mister.

There are bears out there.

- You need some bear spray first.
- [Adam] Fine.

- What are you... what are you doing?
- Well, it's...

It's just basically
like bug spray for bears.

- No, no, no!
- Oh, no, oh, no!

- [screaming]
- Oh, you got to hold still.

- [coughing]
- Oh, whew!

Oh, that's heavy.

- [shrieking]
- [coughing]

- [Kevin] Tim!
- [Tim] Yeah?

- [Kevin] I swallowed it.
- Kevin!

You guys stay here,
I'm going to get help.

[coughing]

[retching]

[Alan] I am so sorry.

They told me that it
would keep the bears away,

but they didn't
tell me how to use it.

I'm definitely
writing them a letter.

You can take that to the bank.

Oh, is there
anything that I can do?

You know, they tell me that I do
some pretty good head scratches.

Here we go. Break an egg
on your head...

- [coughing]
- ...and the yolk runs down.

Just get me a beer, bud.

Don't you think it's a little
early in the day for alcohol?

- What's that?
- For alcohol, I think it's a little early.

I mean, I'm generally
like a after five o'clock boy,

but you know what?

We're all men here,
doing guy stuff, right?

I have just the thing.

Oh, oh, you guys,
wait for the party to explode.

Hang on, you're going to feel
a whole lot better in a second.

- I was saving this for your mom and I...
- [coughing]

...but when the cat's away,
the mice will play.

Here you go.

Now, some ground rules.

As long as everybody
does this within reason,

and there's no bad
decisions that are made.

- Of course.
- We take actions that honor our bodies,

I think that we can have
ourselves a good old time in style.

Anybody up for a
little brown sackin' it?

- Brown sackin' it?
- Yeah.

See, this is what happens.
We just kind of loosen up.

We break down some walls.

Who wants to be
the first to sip the sack?

Come on, don't be shy.

Who's ready to put
their lips to the old brownie?

You know what? Brown me up.

[chuckles] My man!

Right, guys?

Go to brown town.

Now, Kevin, I think
it's only fair that as eldest,

the brownie would
be Adam's birthright.

Adam?

Adam?

Do you want to be the first to take a
big swallow from the old man pouch?

Don't be rude, Adam.

Take a drink from Alan's
mouthwatering old man pouch.

[coughing]

[Alan laughs]

Oh, I don't Adam's ready
for the old wrinkled wraparound.

What the hell is this, man?
Bloody Mary mix?

Well, I say we toast.

To man pouches...

fun times...

- no plans.
- I, sir, will drink to that,

and I have another one.

This is one is to
the ladies in our lives.

To a wonderful mother,
of course.

She's a wonderful woman,
wonderful roommate too.

And to Tim's future wife,
Christy Borders.

Christy Borders is a swamp woman with
a glass eye and a shovel face, no thanks.

[Alan chuckles]

And I think Adam has
a beautiful bride at home,

if I'm not mistaken.
I've seen some pictures of her.

Ooh, here's to you, good sir.
Hat's off to you.

You know what's funny though?

She looks
just like the young lady

that is our spin instructor
over at Shapers,

and I'll tell you something,

that woman is a
little firecracker.

Oh, if I were a younger man.

I put the boots to her! [grunts]

Knocking the boots,
making the bacon.

Isn't Shapers just for women?

Pretty sweet of Alan to notice

how attractive
your wife is, isn't he?

Oh, come on. Any red-blooded man
is going to notice a woman like that.

You're just upset that
he locked her down first.

Here's to Katie, come on.

- Katie, to Katie.
- To Katie.

[group] Katie, Katie, Katie!

- Yeah!
- [glass shatters]

- Oh.
- Whoops, uh-oh.

- Clumsy. Just...
- Oh, I'll get it.

Uh, Tim, did you, um,

did you have like a... like a plan or
something that you wanted to do today?

I may have mapped something out.

Is that the map
with all the dead Alans?

Kev, you joker!

Uh, Alan, I
think we are going to need

- some firewood for tonight.
- Okay.

I've got a map that will take us
to the best spot, what do you say?

Yeah, sure, that sounds great.

- [playful music]
- [Tim] Just a little bit higher, bud!

The good one's at the top,
you're doing great!

Yeah? Okay.

Hey, uh, what about,
uh, what about this one?

No, no, that won't burn.

Up top, let's not
make a thing out of this.

But this one's got,
like, kindling on it.

Got to have that top wood, bud!

About time you came around, man. We were like
ten minutes away from a show tunes review.

Yeah, man, you're right.
This guy's got to go.

And you know,
if this map is the way to do it,

then I guess it's worth a shot.

Sounds good to me. Kev, you in?

[Alan whimpers]

I've dedicated my life
to pacifism, so.

Great, Kev's in.

I, I do draw the
line at murder though.

- [Alan] Whoa, ah!
- [branches snapping]

- [clattering]
- [Alan groans]

Sweet.

[suspenseful music]

How many fingers
am I holding up?

Three? Good job.
You're going to be fine.

[Alan] Am I still falling?

A dark evil has awakened.
You need to flee this place.

Oh, nonsense,
it's just a scratch.

Hey, Kev? Do me a favor,

there's a lot of good wood
that came down with me.

It's all over
there in the woods.

Just, just pick it up,
would you?

[playful music]

So, uh, Al,
you ever start a fire before?

No. Confidentiality, Tim,
your mother and I...

- That's great, man. Hey, Kev.
- [Kevin] Yeah?

Why don't you come over here and
show Alan how to start a Man Camp fire.

Oh, sure.

You take, uh,
this is called a flint.

And you take, uh, the back
of a knife and just get going.

Oh, that's good,
you're getting some sparks.

Really getting
some sparks there.

Oh, let me, I think I can do
that. Thank you.

- Yes!
- There you go, bud.

Now you got a spark going there.

- Oh!
- All right, Al.

You got it,
you're like a firecracker.

- Al, come on over, man. Try it on the pile.
- [Alan] Me?

- [Tim] Yeah, you're good.
- Let me get in close.

Oh!

- [explosion rumbles]
- Ah!

I think I saw Satan.

[heavy guitar music]

- Oh!
- Yes!

Oh!

- Oh.
- A little much for you there, Al?

Ew, no, there beer is not right.

There's something wrong there.

- Asparagus.
- [Adam] Timbo?

Timbo, it's your shot,
I'm killing it out here, man.

- Tim?
- Tim!

Ugh.

Tim?

Your pound, Tim. It's our shot,
bud. [knocking] Bud?

[door squeaks]

Tim?

Tim?

- [dramatic music]
- [Adam shrieks]

Shh, shh, shh. It's me, it's me.

[playful music]

- Are you in blackface?
- What?

No, it's Navy Seal camo paint,
don't be such a noob.

- What are you doing?
- Going commando for this next phase.

What does that
have to do with anything?

Just get Alan out about 15 yards

into the woods
towards the creek.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey, um, did you
pee in one of the cups?

I peed in all the cups.

It's my signature move.
Everybody loses.

- You rolled a four.
- No!

[laughing]

I mean, talk
about a critical fail.

So he garrisoned
on an enchantment.

- [laughing]
- Exactly! Exactly!

- That's unbelievable!
- Unbelievable!

You, don't even worry about it,

because we're just
rapping some D&D here.

- He don't know.
- You don't know.

You guys having,
like, a fellowship together?

[laughing]

- Yes, and no, it's more of a guild than a fellowship.
- Yeah! [chuckles]

Alan, actually uh, I need
you to go down um, to the creek

to um, get something from
the creek.

What, is it a secret?

Uh, water... water.

For breakfast tomorrow.

- But can't we just use the sink?
- It's not potable.

Listen, Alan, we all got
to pull our weight around here.

Can you just head
down there and get that?

I will be back before
you can say prestidigitation.

- [metal clanks]
- [Alan] Whoops!

The, the creek,
it's swarming with Giardia.

Yeah, probably.

[playful suspenseful music]

Low, medium, high, full.

[footsteps crunching]

There you are, buddy.

- What are we doing?
- Shh! Watching.

Go get some water,
I can do that easy enough,

as soon as I find the creek.

[suspenseful music]

- "Professional Strength Electrified Animal Fence."
- There you go.

There you go, keep walking.

So, I guess everybody's
got to do their share.

Everybody's got
to carry their weight.

What did he mean by that?

It sounded like
kind of a fat crack to me.

Right into my little...

- [metal bucket clanks]
- What's he doing?

[urine splashing]

Dammit, he's taking a piss.

Hey, are you sure this is safe?

[suspenseful music]

Alan!

[electricity zapping]

[energetic rock music]

Oh, shit!

Dude, dude!

Sick.

- What happened?
- I don't know, Kevin.

- Alan?
- What?

- Alan, are you okay?
- Oh, my God.

- Is he okay?
- I don't know, Kevin!

Mom, is it time for school?

Let's get him to the couch.

Alan, hey, you okay, bud?

- What, what?
- Are you going to be all right?

- Who, me?
- Yeah.

[Alan] Oh, no, I mean,
no, I'm fine.

Hey, guys, what'd I miss?
Woof, what happened to you?

Oh, I don't know.

I just relieving myself,

and then I heard Kevin
calling me over, and then

from out of nowhere
this surge of,

this surge of energy
entered from my, my penis.

And then it just
electrified my entire body.

We didn't ask what happened the
first time you saw a dolphin jump.

What happened outside?

- Are you going to be all right, Alan?
- I don't know.

I mean, I think so, I just,
I don't know what happened.

Heat lightning probably.

You must have some extremely
high iron levels in your piss.

Must've attracted a bolt.

That's weird,
because in my research,

urine was
always a poor conductor.

You know what, Alan? Let's, uh,
let's get you to bed, come on.

Okay, do I have
to go in the tent?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay, well,
that's only fair.

Hey, could one of
you guys zip me up?

[water splashing]

A-1 in the books,
nice work, boys.

That was all on
your map, was it?

I don't want any part of this.

You're just,
you're just bullying him!

Like you bully everybody else!

Cool, so you're just
going to let him marry Mom

and have their
little happily ever after?

I don't think it'd be
the worst thing in the world.

Cool!

- So, you find a new place to live yet?
- [beer can pops open]

Well, once they're
married and he's all moved in,

they're not just going
to want you hanging around.

You don't know that. Adam?

He's got a point, Kev.

No, Alan and I,
we're in a guild, okay?

So, he'd never betray me.

[Tim] Things change, Kevin.

Guilds break up.

Once he moves in,

your little Friday
fro-yo dates with Mom, bye bye.

Mac and cheese
ready every day at 12:30?

Nope.

Your movie spot on the couch,
your favorite spot.

- No!
- Effing ta-ta, man.

I... I mean, you probably stand
to lose more in this than any of us,

and we're not
saying you can't be friends,

but we need to put
a stop to this wedding.

Think about it.

I need to be
alone with my thoughts.

- I think we got him.
- That shit you pulled tonight was too far.

I explicitly said no murder.

You pull that
shit again and I'm done.

Last I checked,
the guy's not dead.

[phone chimes]

Pfft, vomit.

[door creaks]

[light twinkling music]

Hey, Timmy.

Christy?

What are you doing here?
Go away, you're gross.

Oh, really?

Is this gross?

Yes.

What about this?

- Uh...
- Mm-hmm?

[sensual R&B music]

I got something else for you.

Oh.

These, bills to pay!

- What?
- Tiffany has horseback riding lessons

and you're
behind on the payments.

- No!
- I've got bible study.

- What?
- That's $60 a day.

For what? That should be free!

Did you pick up the
kids from soccer practice?

We don't have kids.

- Timmy, Penelope, Julep, Jeremiah.
- Oh, my God!

Andy, and Molly,
I'm forgetting someone.

[screaming]

Julep's a Boy Scout now.

- He wants you to be the team leader.
- No!

There's some logs
that need splitting outside.

- [screaming]
- [dramatic music]

[breathing heavily]

[beer can pops open]

[glugging beer]

[bacon sizzling]

Did you think at all about what
we talked about last night?

We'll see what happens.

[Tim] Oh, morning, sunshine.

Glad you could join the men.

Did you get your
hair curled just right?

Eat it, dude. I was FaceTiming
with Katie and Max.

FaceTiming at Man Camp? Dude,
you are so whipped. [imitates whipping]

[chuckles]

What are you doing?

I was just thinking
about Katie whipping me

with, like, a little Indiana
Jones hat on or something.

That body belongs in a museum.

[laughing]

You guys are going to Hell.

- Temple of Do Me.
- [laughing]

- Alan still asleep?
- Yeah.

We should probably wake him up.

[playful suspenseful music]

[Alan snoring]

[growling]

[screaming] Bear!

[shrieking]

Bear, Bear!

[energetic music]

[playful suspenseful music]

[bees buzzing]

- [bees buzzing loudly]
- Kevin!

[playful suspenseful music]

[Alan screams]

[explosion rumbles]

[fireworks whizzing]

[Alan screaming]

[water splashing]

Oh, that was so close!

I almost had it!

[sighs]
How long has he been out there?

[Tim] Like, 45 minutes.

I don't get it, he should
have severe hypothermia by now,

like near death.

[Alan groans]

Man, he's really
going for it out there.

I got to hand it to him, I mean,

he might be a dumb ass
but he's a committed one.

Yeah, well, you know,

at least somebody's
not afraid of commitment.

[Tim] Is that supposed to make
me upset? Because it doesn't.

Getting married,
having kids, that's great.

- But...
- [insect buzzing]

...you're not always
going to be there for him,

and I'm not going to
put another kid through that.

Look at Kev.

[Adam] So weird, dude.

This guy's going
to be our stepdad?

Dad would be so pissed.

[Kevin] Dad wouldn't be
pissed, guys.

What was that, um, that
saying that he came up with?

"Never judge a book by
its cover."

- Kevin, Dad didn't make that up, that's like...
- Literally everyone says that.

- Every dad.
- Everyone says that.

Oh, got it! I got one!

- Oh, shit!
- I got it!

- Oh!
- Oh, my God, it's screaming!

It's screaming! Fish scream?

Oh, my God!
Someone, please, help!

- Help!
- Not living things, Alan, remember!

Veggies of the sea.

- Ugh!
- You got to put it out of its misery, bud.

Most people like...

[all groaning]

- Oh!
- what?

[Tim] Wow!

[coughing]

I hope you're happy!

Well done,
you sick son of a bitch.

[fish sizzling]

So, let me get this straight.

I said put it out of its misery,

and you first
thought is let me bite

this creature's
head off like a monster?

Well, it seemed
the closest type of death

that it might've
faced in the natural world.

I respect that actually.

You know that
was a setup, right?

Like a joke we play on
people that are stupid enough

to think you can
actually catch a fish like that.

Yeah, that part
was pretty obvious.

Well, then why didn't
you just stand up for yourself?

What, so you could electrocute
me on something else?

I went in that water with
that ridiculous little spear

to make a statement to you boys

that there's nothing
I wouldn't do

to try to make it work with this family,
on your terms, not mine.

I'd have
stayed out there all night,

until either you broke
or I stabbed a damn fish.

I mean, it was supposed to
be this big cathartic symbol.

Then I actually pierced
one's skin,

and it shrieked,
and I just panicked.

Well, well done.

Yeah, thanks.

But if you think it's going to be that
easy, you got another thing coming.

You got a lot to live up to

when it comes to
marriage number one.

I know he'll
always be her soulmate, Tim.

And that's the way it should be.

He must've been a hell of a man.

I... I wish I had met him.

[light instrumental music]

I'm just glad
she likes being around me.

Well, I'm going to
put on some dry clothes.

Everybody hydrate and tell your
wives and kids you love them.

We're going to Curly's.

Come on, you bitch.
This is happening, okay?

Don't make me take you by force.

I promised Katie that I
would never go back there,

not after last time.

Come on, dude.

The charges were dropped,
and the guy didn't die, I mean...

Didn't die? That's your
qualification for everything being fine,

- that he didn't die.
- How else are we supposed to bond

with wiener lips back here
if we don't take him to Curly's?

It's what separates
the men from the boys.

Adam, bro.

[knocking car]

Fine.

But... phones are
locked in the glove box.

No evidence,
and two drink max, okay?

Totes, dude.

Two more moonshines, please!

Three, Kevin?
Kevin, you having a moonshine?

I switched to water an hour ago.

Kevin switched
to water an hour ago.

Could you lift your chin
just a little...

Perfect.

Thank you. Where's Alan?

Where's that guy?

[twangy country music]

Now, dude, if you hurt
my mom, she's a good dude.

If you hurt her...

- Wow.
- Get it?

Okay, number one,
I get what you're saying,

but hold your horses,
because I love her, okay?

- Me too, me too.
- So if you love someone...

I know you do,
and I believe in that,

but if I love someone,
I'm not going to hurt someone,

because she's my family, bro.
Just like you are.

- You are family.
- That's right.

- Never above you, never below you.
- That's right.

- Always with you.
- That's it.

- I hear, you know...
- Ugh!

If somebody... to Katie...
if somebody did something...

One time,
this guy wrote something

- about her on a bathroom wall, dude.
- No way!

- And I was...
- Are you serious?

Oh, you, you killed him?

- I wanted to.
- Oh.

I almost did. I still almost
want to kill him, almost.

- Almost.
- I'm going to do it.

I'm going to rough him up!

- I'm going to rough up Eric Brinkerhoff.
- Yeah!

- Tim!
- Come on!

What do they call
a, uh, straight flush?

I think it's a win, right?

[scoffs]

Nice, eh. Enjoy the watch.

Thank you, big watch.

- I need your keys.
- Ain't happening, bud.

- No, it's just me and Alan just...
- All right, who's next?

Me and Alan are
going to go rough up Eric,

Eric Brinkerhoff and I
need the keys...

Hey, bud, why don't you
sober up for a half hour,

then I'll go rough up Eric
Brinkerface, okay? [chuckles]

Your wife is hot.

What are you looking at?

This one time, I got to
second base with Katie Baker.

[echoing]

Katie Baker is
my wife, you asshole!

We got a problem, son?

- [breaking glass]
- [gasping]

Second base.

I'm about to rough you up!

[glass shattering]

Now if I could just get you to,

just turn to the
light a little bit.

Cheek down.

- [shrieking]
- [groaning]

- Like this? Mm-hmm.
- [Kevin] Absolutely.

[grunting]

- Are you sure you never modeled before?
- [chuckling]

That was good.

You have the brow
line of a Nordic queen.

- [shouting]
- [glass shattering]

I'm sure you get
that all the time.

My daddy said I had the
hardest forehead he'd ever seen.

Well, he's not wrong.

- It's hard.
- [shouting]

And also pensive, inquisitive.

No, I ain't no inquisitiver.

Are you by any chance a Virgo?

Nope, not since I was 15.

[groaning]

- Daddy like.
- [grunting]

You moron, you brought
this on yourself.

[groaning]

Got him, go, go, go run!

I'll be right there! Uh, no.

No, no, no, don't fight it.

Don't fight it.

- [shrieking]
- [fast country music]

- Holy shit, that was amazing, dude!
- [horn honking]

Dude, we threw that guy!
We threw him!

- [laughing]
- We threw a guy!

And Alan, Alan
with the choke hold, bro!

[laughing]

My man! Alan?

Alan?

We forgot Alan!

[country music]

Kevin.

What are they doing?

They're probably divvying
up his personal effects.

- Yeah!
- Now, I'm sure you're all wondering,

what happened to Lumpy's card,
and it's right here!

- [cheering]
- [applauding]

- [whistling]
- Yeah!

Oh, my ride's here, got to go.
[chuckles]

Like hell you do.

Curly, I'd like to buy these
sons of bitches a round of drinks.

- [cheering]
- Yeah!

[applauding]

- Home.
- We're home!

Oh, man, I shouldn't
have hit those cheese fries.

Where did you
learn how to do that?

- What, the rear naked choke?
- Yeah.

Oh, your mom and I,

see, we take a
self-defense fitness class.

Every Tuesday at 11:30,
that's actually,

that's why I go to Shapers,

and it is for women,
just so you know, Kev, it is.

- [Tim laughs]
- But you know what?

Old Tara, she gets a little
self-conscious now and then

when she's trying something new,
so I said, you know what?

- Taking care of Tara.
- Taking care of Tara.

Well, I don't
want to start crying,

but you know what I didn't know,

I didn't know that
I would be using it like that.

[laughing]

Hiya!

Did anyone get a video?

No, because our phones
were all locked in the truck.

- Thanks a lot, Adam.
- Oh, Adam.

You're welcome, you guys.

I'll go get them for you guys.

Yeah, Alan, you're my new buddy.

You saved me with chokehold,
because... oh, oh, oh.

Oh, it's Alan's phone.

Let's see, my friend Alan,
what do you say to my mom?

"Hope you're having
a nice time."

That's nice,
what else have we got?

[suspenseful music]

Tim, Kevin, I got
something to show you guys.

I got something
to show you guys.

[light piano music]

[birds chirping]

Want me to roll
again for you or?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, man, it feels so good
to get a sleep in a bed again.

My man! [chuckles]

Well, boys, last day of
Man Camp. Let's make it count.

- Hike up to the Hideaway.
- Yeah.

Um, Alan, we're
low on water again.

Would you mind
running down to the creek

and filling us up
before we head out?

[clicks tongue] Aces.

Dick pic.

Alan is sending dick pics.

See for yourself.

Are you sure that's him?

It's an email from a week ago.

Dude is sending dick pics.

- Gross, is that it?
- What do you mean, is that it?

I mean, it's gross that
you had see his situation, man,

and thank you for bestowing
that honor on the rest of us,

really, thanks, but you know,

it's none of my business
if him and Mom want to,

you know, do that.

Yeah, wha... what's the big deal?

Besides having forever
X-ray vision into Alan's pants?

You know, that
doesn't affect us, so.

Yeah, except that it does.

He's not sending them to Mom.

Check the outgoing message.

He's sending them to
some lady named Sheila.

"Wow, that's really big.

You're going to
need to come over soon."

What's the big deal?

[Tim screams]

Alan, how could you do this?
How could you do this?

We were blood
brothers in a guild.

This isn't a joke, Kevin.
Mom's getting played.

D&D is not a joke.

- I'm calling Mom.
- [Adam] Don't call her, okay?

This is a face
to face conversation.

We'll tell her when we get home.

Tim, do not call her.

Kevin, come on.

[light instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

You know, just for the record,

I really like
being at the cabin. Oh.

Last day of Man Camp, bud. We
hike up to the Hideaway, it's tradition.

- Yeah, I know but I'm just getting a little winded here.
- [Tim] Well, it's good for you.

Gets the heart pumping, blood
flowing to the extremities.

I think I need to
take a little breather.

There's a lone peak that
opens up about a half mile.

I'll meet you up there.

You can't miss it,
bulges up from the ground.

Strong, firm, ready to explode.

You'll want a
pic of that for sure.

- Dude.
- Lone peak.

Meet you guys up there,

right there in your face,
can't miss it.

[Alan panting]

I'm thinking you
maybe should go next.

I'll spot you.

I always liked you, Alan.

- [takes a deep breath] Hey.
- Howdy, princess.

Alan's getting
pretty gassed, I think.

You mean step daddy dick pic?

You got short term memory loss?

I'm not sitting around playing
pretend with that little perv, dude.

I was actually starting to think it might
be nice to have him around, you know?

Well, you want the truth?

No time like the present.

Hey, boys, there it is.

The lone peak just as described.

Whew, good lord.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hello, Tim.

Wasn't, uh, expecting you there.

Do you, uh,
do you need something?

Me? No.

No, I'm good.

Yeah, I just didn't know if there was
anything you wanted to share with us?

Uh, I don't know
what you're referring to.

Nothing you want
to get off your chest?

Maybe let us in the loop on?

Um, oh, okay.

Yeah, you got me.

- You have no idea.
- No, you're right.

I mean, I shouldn't have
tried to keep it to myself.

Yeah, I'm saving it for your
mom and I, for this weekend.

- What?
- Yeah, it's a Thai stick. But we...

I don't give a shit about
your shitty little joint, Alan!

I want you to tell us right now if
you've been cheating on our mom.

- Cheating?
- [Kevin] We're brothers in a guild.

How could you?

[Alan scoffs]

You guys think that I
was cheating on your mother?

Read my lips.

[grunting]

[screaming]

- What?
- What do you mean, what?

Well, you said read your lips,
and then you picked up a rock,

and you threw it,
and you hit a...

I know what I said!

I think what he's trying to say,

Alan, is we just
want to make sure

that you're fully committed to
Mom, and there's not, like,

some other stuff out there,
kind of floating around.

You might want to
tell us about and be honest.

Well, the answer is,

there's absolutely no
one besides your mother

that I would like to spend

even a second of
the rest of my life with.

That's really the way I feel,
and I don't appreciate you...

You're so full of shit, dude.

- Guys, what is this?
- Don't be such an asshole, man.

You know what you did,
just admit it.

I honestly have no idea what you
guys are talking about. Kevin?

I'm so confused because
you're such a great guy, Alan,

and you're, like,
pretty much my best friend...

but the pictures on your phone.

What?

You heard what he said, we know.

Guys, come on, that's something
that I can explain if you want...

We don't need your
Goddamn explanation, man.

Okay, we just want you
to get the hell out of here

and leave our family alone.

You know, if you would stop

this macho barbarian
bullshit for one second

and just listen to what I
have to say, I can explain this.

[sobbing] You leave
my mom alone.

She's already married to someone
who even if he is six feet underground,

is more of a man
than you'll ever be.

Okay, okay.

That's fine.

You know,
I know that I'll never be

what you guys want me to be,

but did you ever
think for even a second

that maybe your dad
wasn't perfect?

Maybe that he actually
had some problems of his own?

- Careful, man.
- You're old enough to know this,

that this impossible standard

that you're
holding me to is not real.

Why don't you ask your mom
what really happened?

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about your dad, Tim.

He didn't have cancer, okay?

It was liver failure.

He was an alcoholic.

But so what?

I mean, that
doesn't change the fact

that he was a great dad.

But this superhuman person

that you guys keep
comparing me to doesn't exist.

He was broken
just like the rest of us,

and you made him out
to be this person that...

Get out.

- [Alan] I'm...
- Just go!

[birds chirping]

[light piano music]

- Shit.
- What?

Alan had the poles.

[sighs]

[Alan sighs]

[leaves rustling]

Cirrus cloud.

It's more of a stratus.

See, it's flat on top.

[Adam] Hmm.

You think it's true
what Alan said about Dad?

I don't know.

Even if it was,
what would it change?

Everything.

He could've
still been here with us.

It would've been
his fault that he's not.

He could've given us more time.

Yeah.

It's crazy, you know...

to see all your friends
grow up...

get to know their parents,
you know, as people or whatever.

We're never going
to get that with Dad.

He's just, always
going to be a kid version.

I know, like, a lot of that
stuff is shitty or whatever,

but I just wish he
could see us as men, you know?

I know after 12 years we should
be over it or whatever, but..

I still miss him, every day.

This new guy comes in and...

[sniffs]

I just want Dad.

Me, too.

Me, three.

I do want Mom
to be happy though.

Well, maybe she'll
find another guy next year.

Imagine if we
had a year to plan?

Dude, [laughing]
you're such a dick.

You guys might hate me,
but I'm going to miss Alan.

He was nice to have around.
[sniffs]

I know, Kevin,
he's not who we thought he was.

I'm sure Mom will
find somebody else.

Yeah, you're probably right.

[light piano music]

Ants, ants, ants!

- Oh, oh shit.
- Dammit, Kevin!

There's no ants, dude.

[car engine rumbling]

What did you do?

I may or may not
have sent the, uh...

I was blinded by rage. There's
no way of knowing for sure.

- Sweetie, I tried calling you all last night.
- [Theresa] Stay away from me!

[crying] I don't want to hear it
from you, I just want you to go.

But babe, I can
totally explain those pictures.

Do not call me babe!

- I thought you were a decent man.
- I am a decent man.

No, no, no, save it!

God, I should've known.

I never should've gotten
involved with you. [sobbing]

I found
the love of my life once,

that should've been enough.

[sobbing]

I need you to
stay away from my boys, just...-

just stay away from them!

Kevin, get in the car!

But I don't...
I don't have my stuff.

[Theresa] No, Timmy and Adam
will bring it. Get in the car, now!

See you, Kevin.

[light acoustic guitar music]

♪ Little one crying
his teeth push through ♪

♪ Little one learning
a thing or two ♪

♪ Let him go this time
just let him fall ♪

♪ How're you going to learn to
climb up from your crawl ♪

♪ Love for you
is so deep and is wide ♪

♪ One day you're going to
have to walk away from outside ♪

♪ And your tears ♪

♪ And your tears
are just growing pains ♪

♪ And your tears ♪

♪ And your tears
are just growing pains ♪

♪ Awkward one growing tall ♪

♪ Yeah, one day
you're goin' see it all ♪

♪ But for now, love is young
and you found someone ♪

♪ And your heart, it overflows ♪

♪ But your heart
it doesn't know ♪

♪ That most good things
in this life, they end ♪

♪ And some things
in this world ♪

♪ They just don't bend to
some greater hope ♪

♪ But hope doesn't hold a flame
but just letting go ♪

♪ And your heartbreak ♪

♪ Your heartbreak
is just growin' pains ♪

♪ Your heartbreak ♪

Do you suffer from
erectile dysfunction?

Have you
suffered horrible side effects

from brand name treatments?

If you're ready to
try something different

and get your sex life back,
call me, Dr. Sheila Sterns today.

You can call
anytime, day or night.

Or call our 24 hour
hotline, I will pick up.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

[phone ringing]

- What's up, bro?
- [Adam] Sheila is a dick doctor.

- Shut up.
- No, dude.

I just literally saw a commercial
on TV. I called the hotline,

and they said
you could literally

send her a
picture of your penis.

Think about it,
he sends a picture.

She says, "That's so big,
you need to come in right now."

Holy shit, you're right.

What are we going to do?

Well, we got to fix it, now.

What time are
you up in the morning?

Don't you have
classes or something?

Dude, I've had enough credits

to graduate for
a year and a half.

Wow, uh, okay.

Um, so are you going to, like,
use your degree for your job or?

- Don't push it, bro.
- Right, right, right.

- What time?
- Uh, how 'about seven? Pick you up at seven?

- Be here at four.
- That's in, like, an hour.

I knew it, I knew Alan
would never send sex mails

to some woman named Sheila.

Yeah, Kevin, I think we
all got a little carried away.

Now, if it were Katie.

Stop talking about my wife.
Here's the plan.

Kevin, you know
Alan better than anybody,

so you and Tim
are going to go find him,

apologize,
and bring him back here.

Apologize?

I don't know what that means.

Just do it, asshole.

Sounds good to me.

- Let's do it.
- Put the sword down, Kev.

So, where are we going?

It's 11:30, Tuesday afternoon.

Do I have to
spell it out for you?

From the top and punch.

Yes, oh, you're doing so good.

Show me that body, yes!

Knee, double knee,
harder, harder, Leslie!

Harder, not that hard, Leslie.

Don't poop on the floor,
don't poop on the floor.

Elbow, one, two. Do it again.

If somebody comes to
attack you, what do you do?

We take it from
the punch and over.

And over, keep going, yes!

Up, yes, keep going.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!

- Whoa!
- No, no!

- [screaming]
- I don't think I'm ready to die, please don't, I'm innocent!

- Oh, my God.
- Go down, Mimi boy.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

[Kevin] This is normal!
This is normal!

Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up!

[screaming]

[groaning]

Seven, eight, and one, and two.

- Yeah. So.
- [Theresa sighs]

Well, I feel like a B-I-T-C-H.

It's not your fault.

You know, we kind of set you up.

The good news is,
now things can go back

to the way they
were before, you know?

You really think he's
going to take me back after me

treating him like a
sexual predator for three weeks?

Yeah, totally.

- [Tim] Chill, it's okay, we're helping.
- What the hell?

- [Alan grunting]
- You can breathe,

if you can talk,
you can breathe.

Okay, okay, okay.

- [Alan grunting]
- Sorry, Al.

Oh, that's okay.

- Oh, sweetie.
- So, happy family, huh?

- Listen...
- Look...

No, you start.

I am so sorry,
I feel like a complete fool.

- If you want nothing to do with me, I completely...
- Shh, shh, shh.

I waited 53 years to find
someone to fall in love with.

I don't think
I have another 53 years

to wait to see if it
happens again. [laughs]

I love you.

- I love you.
- Mm.

Cut him free, dude.

What, so they can do whatever
they want with their hands?

No dice, bro.

Let's go.

♪ Oh, you see
I could be anything ♪

♪ You want me to be ♪

♪ But I truly am just nothing
without you baby ♪

Happy family.

[door creaks]

[wedding bells music]

[smooth jazzy music]

- Go!
- [laughing]

- It's okay.
- [laughing]

- Hey.
- Hey, Kev.

What happened to the cape?

I don't need it anymore.

To Alan.

To Dad.

To family.

[Christy clears throat]
Hey, Tim.

She's right behind me,
isn't she?

- Christy.
- I was just coming over to say hi,

and see how you're doing.

- Really good.
- Good.

Uh, your mom said
college is going great.

Yeah. [chuckles]

She keeps talking about it.
[laughs]

Um, all right,
well, have a good night.

You, too.

Hold this.

I thought she was gross?

[Tim] Don't be stupid.

She's the perfect woman.

That's why I
could never be with her.

It'd be all over.

So?

I don't know,
maybe it's too late.

Kevin, tell him
what you told me.

The only place where
dreams become impossible

is in your own mind.

Go get them.

[smooth jazzy music]

[Tim clears throat]

Hey, um...

- I think she has a boyfriend.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Let's just let it play out.

- I kept those letters.
- [laughing]

Oh, I'm sure they're awful.

Pretty good,
one in particular was like...

"Roses are red, violets are
blue, I want to kiss you."

Okay, um...

Hey, hey, that's my
girlfriend, you son of a bitch!

It's too late, it's too late!

- Not now, Christy.
- Stop, stop, stop.

Andrew!

[chuckling]

[grunting]

No, no, no, no.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.

Go, buddy, go, go, go.

[laughing]

That's two, well, let's party!

- [cheering]
- ♪ Ooh, that's right ♪

♪ I bust a move up tonight ♪

♪ Oh, I know ♪

♪ When my feet
come up off the floor ♪

♪ I'm hooked ♪

♪ I leave tonight ♪

♪ It's just my heartache ♪

♪ No, my baby don't lie ♪

♪ It's just her own way ♪

♪ Hooked ♪

♪ Don't leave me behind ♪

♪ You know, it's our time ♪

♪ Come on, baby, let's dance
until the moonrise ♪

♪ She's strutting up
like magic ♪

♪ Strike a chord
within my soul ♪

♪ I feel like
my love's a loaded gun ♪

♪ Just ready to explode, whoa ♪

♪ I'm picking up the pieces ♪

♪ Try to connect the dots ♪

♪ I got to
leave it up to someday ♪

♪ Before I can
show the moves I got ♪

♪ Girl, my heart ♪

♪ Yeah, I got this feeling ♪

♪ Come on
love is going to steal it ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ Now, I just can't
think straight no more ♪

♪ Ooh, that's right ♪

♪ I bust a move up tonight ♪

♪ Oh, I know ♪

♪ When my feet
come up off the floor ♪

♪ I'm hooked ♪

♪ I leave tonight ♪

♪ It's just my heartache ♪

♪ No, my baby don't lie ♪

♪ It's just her own way ♪

- ♪ Hooked ♪
- ♪ Don't leave me behind ♪

♪ You know it's our time ♪

♪ Come on, baby, let's
dance until the moonrise ♪

- ♪ Hooked ♪
- ♪ I leave tonight ♪

♪ It's just my heartache ♪

♪ No, my baby don't lie ♪

♪ It's just her own way ♪

♪ Hooked ♪

♪ Don't leave me behind ♪

♪ You know it's our time ♪

♪ Don't act baby, let's dance
until the moonlight ♪

♪ Oh, that's right ♪

♪ I 'll bust a move
up tonight, that's right ♪

♪ Oh, I know ♪

♪ My feet
come up off the floor ♪

♪ Who girl, that's right ♪

♪ I'll bust a move up tonight ♪

♪ Oh, I know ♪

♪ You know, my feet
come up off the floor ♪

♪ Oh, that's right oh, I know ♪

♪ My feet
come up off the floor ♪

♪ Oh, that's right ♪

♪ I'll bust a move up tonight ♪

♪ Oh, I know ♪

♪ My feet
come up off the floor ♪

♪ I leave tonight ♪

♪ It's just a heartache ♪

♪ No, my baby don't lie ♪

♪ It's just her own way ♪

- ♪ Hooked ♪
- ♪ Don't leave me behind ♪

♪ My baby don't lie ♪

♪ You know, it's all right ♪

♪ Let's dance
until the moonlight, whoa ♪

♪ I leave tonight
it's just my heartache ♪

♪ No, my baby don't lie ♪

♪ It's just her own way ♪

♪ Hooked ♪

♪ Don't leave me behind ♪

♪ You know it sounds right ♪

♪ Baby, let's dance
until the moonlight ♪

- ♪ Hooked ♪
- ♪ I leave tonight it's just my heartache ♪

♪ My baby don't lie
it's just her own way ♪

♪ Don't leave me behind ♪

♪ You know it's our time ♪

♪ Baby let's dance
until the moonrise ♪

- ♪ Hooked ♪
- ♪ I leave tonight it's just my heartache ♪

♪ No, my baby don't lie
it's just her own way ♪

- ♪ Hooked ♪
- ♪ Don't leave me behind You know it's our time ♪

♪ Come on baby, let's dance
until the moonlight ♪

♪ Well, I got habits ♪

♪ Some good, some bad ♪

♪ I like to smoke and drink
and see women I've never had ♪

♪ Well, I got habits ♪

♪ Some big, some small ♪

♪ I don't know what it is
just the thrill of it all ♪

♪ All my habits
haven't killed me yet ♪

♪ I wish I could
just stop and forget ♪

♪ At the end of the day ♪

♪ I've indulged them all ♪

♪ Well, I got habits ♪

♪ Well, I got habits ♪

♪ Some good, some bad ♪

♪ I like to play guitar
write lyrics, call mom and dad ♪

♪ Well, I got ♪