Man About the House (1974) - full transcript

An unscrupulous property developer wants to flatten the street to make way for new buildings. Householder George Roper is happy to take the offered money and run but his wife Mildred and their lodgers join with other residents to take a stand and keep things as they are, finally winning the day.


(dramatic music)

♪ I've always had it easy
with a man about the place ♪

♪ Steaming up the mirror
when I'm making up my face ♪

♪ He's just a friend, a helping hand ♪

♪ A ready willing smile, but could it be ♪

♪ That love has been here on
my doorstep all the while ♪

♪ It's not easy when he's always been ♪

♪ Just a man about the house ♪

♪ One to rely on, a shoulder
to cry on now and then ♪

♪ It's not easy when he's always been ♪

♪ Just a man about the house ♪

♪ So close to home and yet so far away ♪

♪ And all the time, I thought that I was ♪

♪ Just a freewheeling girl ♪

♪ I looked around but now I found ♪

♪ Love was on my doorstep all the while ♪

♪ It's not easy when he's always been ♪

♪ Just a man about the house ♪

♪ One to rely on, a shoulder
to cry on, now and then ♪

♪ With all the little
things you try to hide ♪

♪ When there's a man about the house ♪

♪ How could I open my heart to him now ♪

[Jo] Can you put some
more hot water in please,

this bath's getting cold.

[Chrissy] Oh you do it, you're
nearer the taps then I am.

[Robin] Oh alright, I'll do it.

Has anyone seen my flannel?

[Jo] I've got it.

[Chrissy] No you haven't, that's mine.

Look yours is over there.

[Robin] Right.

[Jo] I'm getting cramp, I
wish you two would get out.

[Chrissy] Oh we're gonna
have to work out a rota system,

there just isn't room
in here for three of us.

[Robin] Well I suppose we
could finish off in the kitchen,

[Chrissy] No we couldn't,
there's no mirror in there.

Well look, I'll tell you what.

I'll show you where your eyelashes are,

if you show me where my chin is.

Oh you can have it.

Thank you.

Honestly I wouldn't mind
first thing in the morning,

if only it came later in the day.

I wish you'd hurry up, I
can't get out of this bath

until you've gone.

Well look I'll tell you
what, I'll shut my eyes.

See look, they're closed.

You sure they're shut.

Yes, yes they were.

Honestly we must get the
lock fixed on that door.

Oh no, no, that would
take all the suspense

out of having a bath.

Towel.

Do you mind?

Oh, sorry.

Listen if you want any
help drying yourself down,

you know I could do it by touch alone.

You'll be lucky.

And shut the door.

Oh no, not again, eggs.

Well you liked them
yesterday, and the day before.

Yeah and the day before that.

(imitates chicken) I'm
beginning to look like an egg.

Listen it isn't even my
turn to cook the breakfast,

it's Jo's.

Well then why doesn't Jo cook it?

She did, bacon and sausages,
do you want to eat it?

I tell you what, just for a
change, how about some eggs.

You like cooking we don't.

Listen it's part of the females function

to provide food.

So where do you think these
eggs came from, a rooster?

Look Chrissy, I'm not a male chauvinist.

I think you are.

Well what do you know about
it, you're only a woman.

Honestly, I'd have
nothing to do with men

if they weren't the opposite sex.

Look, when are you gonna
fix the lock on that door.

Oh, I'll get around to it.

I tell you what, I tell you what,

I'll put that bolt on that door.

What bolt?

The one from your bedroom door.

You know I can quite easily unscrew it.

You leave that where it is.

Alright, alright, if it gives
you the illusion of safety.

Illusion?

Only another three feet
and my tunnel is completed.

(chuckling)

(car horn blaring)

Hey there's Larry, you're gonna be late.

Oh everybody's gonna be late today,

it's the last day of term.

Including you.

Well I'll just say I was delayed.

I was a witness to a terrible accident.

Lies.

What else would you call it?

Listen do you want a lift?

Oh great.

Right come on then, see yah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(car horn blaring)

Morning Mrs. Roper.

Oh morning love, morning Mr. Tripp.

Did you friend get
anything else for Christmas?

Hmm, oh I know what you mean, I'm sorry.

Yeah he's got this theory
that it recharges the battery.

Well it doesn't worry
me love but you see

it might wake Mr. Roper.

Why is he still in bed?

Oh no he's been up for
hours, but he's not awake yet.

(coughing)

Oh dear, dear, best one of the day that.

George, those cigarettes
are gonna be the death of you.

Have another one.

Oughtn't be aloud first
thing in the morning,

that horrible noise.

It was only a car horn George.

No I mean you, talking.

George other men have
conversation with their wives.

You know they read them little
bits out of the newspaper,

cheer them up, give them a
bright start to their day.

Now why can't you do that.

Alright, alright, Mullins, age 73,

peacefully after a short
illness, sadly missed.

Oh here's another one, Murgatroy J.

Oh belt up, here's your post.

No Jo this morning then?

No it's her day off.

(car horn blaring)

Will you keep your eyes on the road

and stop trying to put
my knee into second.

Sorry love.

[Chrissy] Oh does he
always drive like this?

Yes, it's no good closing your eyes.

[Chrissy] I'm not closing my eyes.

I'm talking to Larry.

Look I tell you what, listen,

drop us off and we'll walk.

No we won't, we're safer in here.

He can't knock us over if we're in here.

You got a job yet then?

What?

For the holidays?

Oh yes, in fact we just passed it,

that little restaurant there.

Where?

No you keep your eyes on the road.

(brakes squealing)
(car horn blaring)

You cooking there are you?

Yeah, helping the chef you know.

It's only part time but the monies good.

Jammy begger.

I tell you what if you're not fixed up

they're looking for a waiter.

Where are you going?

Well we can't hang
about can we, waiter hey.

[Chrissy] Will you keep
your eyes on the pavement.

Oh nice, nice.

There we are then.

Oh accept the grateful thanks

of a white haired old lady.

- See yah.
- See yah.

Larry, Larry, look, look,
take it easy, I'm not that late.

You are mate.

Mind you if I shared
a flat with two birds,

I wouldn't get out of bed
in the morning either.

Yeah true, true.

Actually they put a new
bolt on the bedroom door.

- Yeah.
- So I can't get out.

For the forthcoming tasks
that lie ahead in front of us

we are showing promise on our progress.

But one or two of us have
fallen down on our custards.

Good morning Mr. Tripp.

Ah, good morning.

Mr. Tripp, how is it that Miss Grace,

who lives over an hour
away is always early,

are always late?

Yes well you see if she's late

she's got time to hurry up.

Yes.

You see if I'm late I'm already here.

Mr Tripp.

Sorry what?

What is the first priority

in the maintenance of the kitchen?

Well it must remain
spotless at all times.

Dirt and untidiness are the
enemies of the good chef.

A well run kitchen should
be ordered, hygienic,

a place for everything and
everything in its place.

Remember the three C's,
clean, clinical and...

Cobblers.

Clutterless.

Look, you can't tart
about when you're doing

60 meals a day, I've hardly got time

to pick me nose as it is.

Yes I know but you know, I
didn't expect all this you know

it looked like a nice restaurant.

Look, have you ever
tried cooking on a trawler,

up to your goolies in fish heads?

No I haven't.

No, well I have and compared to that,

this is straight out of
Ideal Home I'll tell yah.

I reckon you've lumbered me here mate.

Mousetrap and biccies for table nine.

Larry, Larry, no, no, no, no.

(speaking foreign language)

Yeah and if we're in the vicarage.

Oh yeah and one ice cream.

Coming up.

Here are, one vanilla.

Oh no sorry, can you
make that chocolate.

I'll do me best.

Abracadabra, ah, ah, ah.

It's not worked, here,
cover it in curry powder,

they won't know the difference.

I shall have to go for a
jimmy, cop hold of that.

Hey and when I come back
remind me to tell you

all about the daffodil, oh dear.

Daffodil?

They're a stingy lot
of customers in here.

The only tip I've seen
all day is this kitchen.

Right, do you know he's
got some disgusting habits.

Do you know what he used to
poke holes in those donuts?

No what?

A milk bottle, and
he didn't even wash it.

I mean how an anyone
create a classical cuisine

in a kitchen like this.

I mean you've seen the state
of his washing up water.

Do you know, if I wanted to
start a new religious cult

I could walk on that.

I thought it was soup of the day.

Probably will be tomorrow.

Yeah, she was a, here shove up,

she was having her bottom
scraped in Grimsby you know.

Who was?

The Daffodil, the boat
I'm telling you about.

She was in dry dock,
you know the daffodil.

And I was er, I met these
two nurses you know,

and er well they looked as if they fancied

a bit of the rough so I said to them.

Aren't you gonna wash your hands first?

What would I want to say that for?

No I said, look girls
would you like a little

walk round the ship like you know,

have a bit of a look round
and of course with nurses

you gotta be a bit subtle
you know what I mean.

I mean you can't just dash straight in,

you've got to lead up to it.

So I get 'em in the cabin eventually

and I said how do you fancy
a game of strip poker.

I actually usually put
a dash of garlic salt

in my batter.

Hey you're not a puff are yah?

No.

Thank the Lord for that.

Eventually we were playing
this strip poker you know,

and I got down to me
wellies like you know,

and they were starkers, garlic salt.

Well yeah, it sort of
brings out the flavour.

But go about the strip poker.

Oh yeah, well like, you
know, I mean hammocks like

they're only really built
for one aren't they.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Finished work already?

Yeah it's lunch this
week and dinners next.

Do you think you're gonna like it?

Yeah, yeah it's not too bad.

The chef's a character,
he's full of stories.

Do you er, do you play cards?

Yeah why?

Oh it's nothing, nothing.

Oh everything's being
pulled down isn't it.

What?

The cinema, they're
building another office block.

Oh yeah, yeah.

It's terrible, I mean where's
everybody gonna play Bingo.

Yeah I mean people
need to relax you know.

Play bingo, cards, poker perhaps.

They pulled that folk
club down to build offices.

It's true people are being
forced to entertain at home

with cards and things.

(gentle music)

I'm not going on about cards,

just happened to mention it, that's all.

Topic of conversation,
I'll change the subject.

What did you buy?

Clothes, underwear.

Oh great, fantastic.

You're in a funny sort of mood today.

Good afternoon.

Oh hello.

Embossed this letter head you know.

MF Plutherow, project manager.

George we are not selling this house,

especially not to any property developer.

No, no, no, of course not.

Full market value, here I
wonder what that would be.

I mean if we were thinking of selling it.

Which we are not.

Which we're not, no, still.

That's always been your
trouble George, greed.

I can remember our wedding reception.

Still haven't forgotten that.

Here, look, do you
remember that happy day.

Oh yeah.

Hmm, comes the time to cut
the cake and where are you?

Round the boozer
collecting on the empties.

I was just having a little
nip to steady my nerves.

Oh yes, you came on our
honeymoon as steady as a newt.

Well I may have had a few,
but at least I did my duty.

Duty?

Yeah well it was a
long time ago, wasn't it.

I still haven't forgotten.

Yeah but I'm thinking
about the future now Mildred.

I mean if they are pulling this
block down to build offices

we could make a nice tidy packet.

Who told you that?

Well a blonde next door, the
one with the poodle, Hazel.

She said they've all got
letters, the whole row.

Oh it's Hazel now is it?

On intimate terms are you.

No, no, she nipped me
once or twice in the ankle.

The poodle, not Hazel, what are you doing?

I'm phoning around George.

I think it's about time we had a meeting

of the Residents Association.

Yeah well don't have it tonight,

there's a good film on the telly.

Do you know, there must
be, must be something

better to do then
watching all this rubbish.

Look I haven't got time to mess about.

Are you after my body?

Of course.

Sorry, it's already
booked to do the washing up.

(wolves howling on the TV)

(gentle tinkling music)

- Chrissy?
- What?

Nothing, where's Jo?

In the bathroom.

Thank you.

Hey Jo, listen.

I might have been stark naked.

Not with my luck.

Look, Chrissy and I we're
gonna have a game of cards.

So?

Strip poker, I mean
we really need a third

but she says you won't
play because you're well,

too prudish.

What?

Yeah okay fine, yes,
no problem we'll manage,

just the two of us.

Yeah she's probably right.

What about?

Hmm, oh Jo and I we're
going to play strip poker.

She says you won't play you know,

because you're too prudish.

She's right.

She is?

Absolutely, do you want to
help me with the washing up?

No I don't.

Are you really going to
play strip poker with him?

Me, he said it was you.

We're ready when you are.

What for?

Strip poker you said you wanted to play.

Right, listen how do you
actually sort of play this game?

Well I suppose you do it
with clothes instead of money.

So the loser takes off
whatever clothes they bet.

Yes, yes, well you know
I'll go along with that.

Should I, what do you
call it, hand the cards out.

It's deal you see,
that's the word, deal.

Yes, yes, of you go.

(cards shuffling)

You've played cards before have you?

My dad taught me, off you go.

Pass.

Uh huh, okay well I'll open for a sock.

I'll stay.

I'm out.

It's just you and me Chrissy.

Just one small thing, what's
your equivalent of a sock?

Half a tight.

Right, I'll draw one please.

- One.
- Thank you.

I'll stay with what I've got.

Oh right, yes well I'll push
it around for another sock.

Coward, your sock plus my skirt.

I'll raise your skirt with my trousers.

Good film that.

(dramatic music on TV)

Here George, you know that wolfman,

he was the spitting
image of an army sergeant

I used to go around with.

What all hairy and that?

No when he was normal.

Arthur, Arthur Mulgrove, that was it.

Cor I nearly married him.

Well what stopped yah?

He didn't ask me.

Sounds a sensible sort of fella.

Oh thank you.

You know when that
wolfman ripped that blouse

off that helpless maiden, it sent a shiver

right down my spine.

Coming to bed George?

No, not just yet,
I've got to make myself

a cheese and onion sandwich.

I'll wait for you.

Oh no don't bother because
I've got to go upstairs

and tell them about the
meeting tomorrow night.

Arthur Mulgrove.

All I can say is your
father must have bee

a bloody good player that's all.

Do you want to go on?

Certainly, I'm not chicken.

Right, right well I'll
open with my underpants.

Haven't really got much choice.

I'll stay for a shoe.

Oh come on Chrissy my underpants

have got to be worth more then a shoe.

Alright two shoes.

Whoopie.

I'm out.

Jo, you've done this every time

and I don't mind telling you

you're spoiling this game for me.

Three please.

I'll stay with these, go on.

This is a bit awkward this, I mean,

I haven't got anything else to bet with.

Look if I can just put on one piece of...

No, oh a full house, tens and twos.

Tens and twos.

Four jacks, get them off. (laughing)

Ooh, oh Jo look I can see two bare feet.

It's all too much for me.

Right it's my deal.

I wouldn't get too
excited you've got to be

very, very lucky.

Oh you just listen to
me, my lucks changing,

I can feel it.

Right, off you go Chris.

- Pass.
- Pass.

Right, yes I'll open yet
again with my underpants.

I'll stay for a blouse
and I'll draw three.

Right, one, two, three, Jo?

- I'm out.
- I'm out thank you.

Right I'll have three, one.

Well I've got a pair, well
let's have a look at them then.

What do you mean?

I've got a pair too.

Yes, two queens.

Aces.

Oh well that's it.

Not quite.

Oh no come on you don't really

want me to pay that last debt.

You started this game,
it's of no interest to me

I was brought up on a farm.

I've never seen anyone
blush over such a large area.

Alright, right there okay.

Now what?

(doorbell buzzing)

I wonder who's going to answer it?

No come on you can't expect
me to go, I'm starkers.

I won't look.

I will, he would have done if it was us.

You're right, I will look.

You don't think I'll do it do you.

(Spanish music)

Olay.

He cheated.

He's not the only one.

Oh evening son, what's that?

Uh it's a table cloth
I don't normally wear it

only the curtains at the dry cleaners.

Oh yes, yeah, well, I just popped up

to tell you about the
meeting tomorrow night.

You alright?

Yeah, it's just breadcrumbs.

Which meeting?

The Residents Association,
they want you presence there.

(banging on table)

Well, we obviously need some volunteers

to serve on the committee.

Now's your chance.

Yeah right, excuse me.

(all applauding)

Thank you, I don't want
to push myself forward.

Good for you.

It's the least I can do.

But I would like to
volunteer Chris' services.

Hey?

Come on, up you go.

(all applauding)

Well I think it's
time for natural leaders

in the community to step forward

and shoulder their responsibilities.

Alright then.

Not you dear, me.

Well done.

(all applauding)

That's lovely dear.

Would you like to start us all off.

(all applauding)

Right, well first of all
um, I know how strongly

we all feel about this problem and er,

and er, I know one person
who has a lot to say

on this subject, Robin Tripp.

(all applauding)

Uh, well, I feel
myself we ought to oppose

the development that is, and if...

What you're trying to
say is that this community

cannot survive unless we all join together

and fight this scheme.

Yes.

And we ought to do something positive.

Oh absolutely.

Like what?

Hey, well like um...

Perhaps you think we ought to organise

a petition to our MP.

Yes, that's exactly
what I was thinking off.

Towels are off.

No wait a minute.

(quiet murmuring)

Well so much for community spirit.

Ouzo and soda.

Is it a large one?

Oh very, and a retsina
with a cherry in it.

How kind.

Because it's about the only
practical thing we can do.

Yes, well what's it to be?

A carefully worded protest about houses

being pulled down for office blocks.

You can do anything in London except live.

London needs houses, not
great concrete blocks.

I mean if our generation
doesn't do anything about it,

there aren't gonna be any
houses for the next generation.

I meant the drink.

Oh tomato juice please.

Tomato juice right.

- Jo?
- Lager please.

A lager, okay.

I don't see the point
in having a petition.

I mean if we don't sell our houses.

And none of us are gonna sell George.

- No.
- No.

So what can they do?

A lager and a tomato juice please.

Of course we first
acquired the taste for it

in a little bar near the Acropolis.

Oh yes.

Yeah, he's bonkers
about the ancient Greeks.

Well it's such a
marvellous civilization.

It's so civilised.

True, true, the
friendship of an older man

for a lad was not
misunderstood and frowned upon.

Quite, I think that Nigel
here has rather the look

of an Apollo about him.

Yes, yes.

You know, the Michelangelo Apollo.

Put that statue on a motorbike
and it's Nigel to a tee.

Quite and it's still
a glorious country today

the wine, the sunshine, the music.

Do you like the bouzouki?

Nah, I prefer the Yamaha super bike.

(laughing)

His wit is a constant delight.

Hmm, and property you
know it's so cheap there.

If one sold a tatty terraced house here

you could buy a villa there.

Still we don't want to
spoil a social evening

talking about business do we.

Of course it's not the first time

this has happened you know.

I mean Hitler did his best
to knock these houses down

during the war.

Oh yeah, they were good days them.

[Mildred] Oh my gawd.

Bombs raining down,
shrapnel flying everywhere.

A man knew what he had to do.

In your case you couldn't stop yourself.

Yeah, he had to, he had to do his duty.

One of his favourite words.

Yeah well I was ARP
warden for the whole block

and in my opinion Hitler
knew this you see.

Well that's probably what
made him lose his nerve

and turn on Russia.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Excuse me I've got to have
a little chat with Larry.

Same again?

Yeah tah.

Barman, same again please.

Here listen it's been over two months.

What has?

You know, go on like
this I'm gonna go blind.

Oh that.

Yeah that.

See listen the thing is I was thinking

about asking Jo if she
fancied coming for a drive,

you know.

A drive?

Yeah why not.

Well don't muck about,
does she or don't she?

Oh come on.

Good enough, say no more.

And they used to put this
stuff in your tea you know,

so you'd keep your mind on the job.

Off the job George.

Hey?

Excuse me I'm just gonna
have a quick word with Robin.

Then there were ration
books, do you remember them?

No.

I know this great little
spot on the river you see,

and you can park your car, hello Jo.

Hello.

Er, you er, got any plans
for the rest of the evening.

Two ounces of butter, ounce of lard,

and a bit of meat oh, about that long.

That's what you used to
get, weren't it love?

That's what I used to get George yes.

Oh excuse me I think I'll
go and have a word with Jo.

Well George I think that's a new record.

You've bored three people
away in two minutes,

well done love.

Just for a drive mind
you, for fresh air.

Well yeah and a spot
of supper somewhere.

Don't let him fool you Jo,
your arms don't go inside

the safety bar.

Hysterical.

Hey where are they going?

Oh just for a ride, well a drive.

Actually that does give
you and me a chance

to go back to the flat and
you know get it together,

the petition I mean.

Got to go back and type it up haven't we.

(typewriter keys clacking)

Chrissy can't you finish this later,

you know when Jo gets back.

I thought the idea was to get on with it

while she's out.

Come on let's stop messing about.

I second that.

I mean let's stop messing
about with the typing hmm.

Just sit back, relax, little drink hmm.

You can't hold out forever Chrissy.

What makes you think I have?

Well I don't.

Oh don't you.

Well yes, I mean yes, I do.

Oh do you.

Yeah, no, I do, sorry
look can we start again.

Alright.

No, no, no, I didn't mean the typing.

I know what you meant.

Look it's alright for you,
men can just turn it on,

a girl needs time, coaxing, chatting up.

Chrissy, I can't chat you up.

I mean how can you chat
up someone you care for?

Someone you have a deep
emotional feeling for.

How am I doing?

[Jo] Honestly Larry I
really don't feel like it.

Oh come on Jo, you'll
really enjoy it honest.

But I don't like cod.

Oh well please yourself.

It's nice here aint it,
got a sort of atmosphere.

Yes, vinegar and chip fat.

Sorry.

I've got a little confession
to make to you Jo.

I was born a girl.

Pardon.

Yeah, and ever since the operation

I've not had a chance
to find out if it works.

So I was thinking in the
interests of medical science.

Full marks for originality.

Yeah?

Has anyone ever told you
that you're terribly attractive

and have a wonderful way with women?

No, no they haven't.

Well where do you get the idea from?

Hey.

Oh look come on, take me home

and I'll make you a cup of coffee.

This is all a bit embarrassing Jo.

I mean I've got my reputation to think of.

Don't worry I won't tell
anyone you didn't score.

I'll even recommend you to my friends.

Would yah, would you
do that for me, really?

That's a better technique, pathos.

You should concentrate on that.

Where are you going?

Well if you're coming
back for coffee I'm driving.

What for?

Because you're a mad
driver, have you got the keys.

Here you handled one of these before?

No, all cars are the same aren't they.

(car engine revving)

Here mind, mind, oh nice.

Oh that's.

Oh nice, that's nice for the trousers.

(smooth music)

- Robin?
- Hmm.

Listen we should talk.

[Robin] What now?

Yes now.

It's got to be now, before
we get carried away.

Robin.

Alright what is it?

Well you and I, we've known each other

for some time now.

Well I don't think I'd be
going too far if I said,

well, you fancy me.

No you wouldn't be going too far.

Well I've decided it's okay.

What is?

Well if you really meant
what you said about caring,

it's okay.

Well then I mean why did you stop me?

Well I just wanted to
say it's okay that's all.

Well that's great.

Wait a minute, no this is
a bit of responsibility.

What is?

Well I mean you know, you're sort of,

you're putting it all onto me.

Well I thought that was what you wanted.

Oh yes I do, but I
hadn't sort of thought on

talking it over before the
you know, I mean beforehand.

Don't you dare lay a
finger on me or I'll scream.

Oh that's better.

I take it back, I'm not recommending you

to any of my friends.

Yeah it wasn't my fault was it.

Bad timing Larry,
this is not the moment.

Yeah well I didn't
choose the bloody moment.

She chose the bloody moment,
backed into the bloody lake.

Hey you're all wet.

I know that.

Well get those wet clothes off.

Not you, her.

What happened?

I don't know, I've
got frogspawn in my bra.

I'm sorry about that mate.

Well I didn't know you were sort of.

Yeah well I didn't either
if it's any consolation.

It isn't, yeah well, see you tomorrow hey.

(banging on door)

Down a bit, left, left hand down a bit.

Right easy, easy, whoa that's it.

Right we'll get the
locals to sign it first,

who shall we start with?

How about us?

Good thinking.

Jo.

Oh hello mate, here look
I'm sorry about last night.

Just sign there.

Hey is Mr Gideon in this morning.

Yeah look, I'm sorry about last night.

Yeah I'm not, it was
him and me against me

and I was losing.

Yeah, we'll go blind together hey.

Oh Jo, look I'm er...

He's sorry about last night.

Yeah.

(knocking on door)

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

I must say it's been
an absolute pleasure

doing business with you Mr Plutherow.

No, no, the pleasure is mine.

And thank you for that lovely record.

Yes well, plant an olive tree for me.

Good morning my dear.

Right, set it up.

Such a nice man, and
so straight forward.

I've got the petition.

Oh.

Well that's nice aint it,

I'll have to find new digs now.

Here, how about if I moved in with you?

How about if you jumped
back in the lake again.

Hey what did you say to him?

What, nothing, I just asked
him to sign the petition.

Must have been the way that you said it.

We're going to be late for work, come on.

Okay, look we'll try and
get some more signatures

in our lunch hour.

- Okay bye.
- See yah.

Listen what do you know about the lady

who lives in number four?

- Miss Bird.
- Yeah that's her.

You're not gonna go
in there alone are you?

Well I've got to get
her signature haven't I.

Best of luck mate,
keep your legs crossed.

Here son, not going up to
Miss Bird's flat are you?

Yeah.

Stick this outside her door will yah,

haven't got time this morning.

Psst, you're not going up
to Miss Bird's flat are you?

Yeah.

Shove these through her box for me.

I'm a married man.

(door bell chiming)

I'm terribly sorry I
thought you were the dustman.

Oh no, no I'm Tripp,
Robin, thank you, Tripp.

From number six, I've come
about the, the petition here.

How fascinating.

Ticklish.

Well yeah just a little bit.

If you could please,
if you could just sign.

They're not true you
know, the rumours about me.

What rumours?

They're not true, people
try to take advantage

of my warm nature.

I've got the pen here if you could just

put your signature.

While you're here, would
you like to see what I do?

Oh no, thank you, no, not really.

I'm a potter.

Oh yes.

I make erotic soup bowls.

Oh, oh that's very, oh good God.

Take one, I don't
know if you're in favour

of the permissive society.

Oh yes, yes I am but you
know I just sort of feel

that it shouldn't be made compulsory.

The needs of a man and a
woman are exactly the same.

Yes I know but I mean you, you women

can just sort of switch it on can't you,

but a man needs, needs time and coaxing,

and perhaps you'd prefer a pencil.

No I wouldn't.

Look, I'm sorry this
is far too early for me.

It's not as if I don't appreciate

your very kind offer but
it's, perhaps some other time

okay, terribly sorry, goodbye.

Bobba job miss,
anything I can do for you?

No I don't think so, why
don't you come back next year.

Did you get it then?

Bloody nearly, I hope
the girls are getting

more signatures then I am.

Hey.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's a petition to,

it's a petition to save
the Edwardian houses

on Middleton Terrace.

Hey?

It won't take a moment of your time.

Oh, it's half past one.

Oh excuse me would you
mind signing this please?

Petition, is it anything to do

with bringing back hanging and flogging?

Um, no actually it's to do
with a new office development.

Couldn't you add something
about bringing back

hanging and flogging?

I don't think so, I think
it might confuse the issue.

Excuse me.

Spiros, do sit down.

Nothing under half a million tonnes no.

And if necessary we could incorporate

a public amenity.

Raise the capital in Deutschmarks.

Perhaps the shell of a theatre,

easily converted into an
underground carpark later.

I want you to go to Japan.

Yes but I'm in the middle of
organising Middleton Terrace.

Stop making excuses and get on with it.

(laughing)

That's telling him sir.

I was talking to you Plutherow.

Yes well I have high hopes of finalising

the remaining properties by...

By the end of the month,
I want the dozers in,

I can't keep capital tied up indefinitely.

Quite, quite.

I am as keen as yourself
sir to see Plutherow House

on that site, and believe me.

Plutherow House?

Oh, whatever we, you,
you, decide to call it.

I just thought it being my
first real major project.

Nelson House.

Yes, yes, very apt
sir, lovely ring to it.

After the seafaring gentleman?

After my wife's bassett hound.

Enoch will you stop doing
that, behave yourself.

Excuse me.

What?

Oh put me down as a don't know.

Well you don't know what it's about yet.

That's what I just
said, I'm a don't know.

Leave it alone Enoch.

Another 20 this evening.

Oh you're not counting the
two Adolf Hitler's are you.

I'm not counting one,
but the other one did

look a bit like him.

Ooh.

And what time do you call this?

Quarter to seven.

Exactly, and my
(speaking foreign language)

has been ready for the last half an hour.

Blimey we should have
brought him some flowers.

I've done my best to save it

but I'm not promising you anything.

You are sweet.

You can't get round me like that.

Perhaps you'd like to join us.

Hey we better watch out,
otherwise he'll go back to mother

Right, we're starting off
with Lebanese cucumber soup.

Well give it a chance.

Followed by chicken with
peach and ginger salad.

You're making it up.

Sorry.

We must be late, the soup's gone cold.

It's supposed to be cold.

I just don't know why I bother.

It's very nice.

Hey we only need a couple
more signatures to make 1000.

Yeah I've still got to
get the woman down the road,

you know the one with the
poodle but she's never in.

Haven't been back to
Miss Bird yet either.

There's no way I'm going too.

Coward.

Right.

You're having us on, she
can't be as bad as all,

oh my goodness.

Oh thanks George, I could just do

with a nice cup of tea.

Oh yeah, well there's one in the pot.

I was thinking Mildred, perhaps we should

consider selling it.

What this?

It's all rust and rattles.

No, no, no I mean the house.

Think of the money we could make.

George, what good is money
if you haven't got your health?

I have got my health?

You won't have if you sell my house.

22 years of marriage, all
we've got to show for it

is our house.

Well it wasn't my fault,
I went to the clinic.

They said it wasn't my fault.

Well it certainly wasn't mine.

I'd have liked children.

Look George you can't hit the jackpot

if you don't put the money in the machine.

I suppose you think that Arthur Mulgrove

could have done better?

Who?

Well that fella you keep going on about.

George I've mentioned
him once in 22 years.

I don't call that going on, and the answer

to your question is yes
he could have done better,

and no you're not gonna sell my house.

Hello.

Oh hello dears, how's it going?

people interested.

Yes I know how you feel.

Yeah, I hear that Plutherow fella

got to number three before you did?

Yeah, still he hasn't
bothered anyone else.

Actually I haven't seen
him for a few days.

(knocking on door)

Hey, do you think she's
alright, look at this lot?

Perhaps she's ill.

Yes.

Oh hello, we were
wondering if you'd like

to sign this petition
against the development

of these houses.

Well I'll be off now Amelia.

It's been a real pleasure.

Must you go Morris?

Alas, I'm afraid so, business you know.

(milk bottles clattering)

Hello.

He's such a wonderful man.

Mr Plutherow?

Yes, I'll find a pen would
you like to step inside?

No, no I don't think I've got time.

Oh thank you.

Of course I don't own this house myself,

it belongs to a gentlemen friend.

Ah well perhaps you could
ask him to sign it as well.

He doesn't live here dear, be your age.

Right I got the lady
with the poodle to sign it,

how did you get on with Miss Bird?

How do you think?

(emphatic trumpet music)

We only need one more signature

and then we've got 1000.

There must be someone we
know who hasn't signed it.

You're not going to believe this?

- Oh.
- Stupid.

(laughing)

(clears throat)

Oh do come in, I'm sorry
to have kept you waiting.

I've been in the house, the
Prime minister was speaking

for over an hour.

Oh really, what about?

He didn't say.

Do sit down.

I'm one of your
constituents and I'd like you

to accept this petition to
save six Edwardian houses

from being pulled down
for an office block.

Oh very impressive, I don't know what

I'm expected to do.

Well you are President of
the Preserve London Society.

Oh, oh that yes, my
wife gets me involved

in the most extra...

A thousand people have
signed this petition.

Well the people who live in...

Middleton Terrace.

Middleton Terrace, did
you say Middleton Terrace?

Yes.

Near Columbia Square.

That's right.

I know it, charming
little row of houses.

They can't pull that down.

A thousand signatures you say.

(phone ringing)

Alright, alright, hello.

Hello, hello darling, it's Poopsie.

I've been trying to ring you.

I've been to the poodle parlour,

are you coming round tonight love?

Well um, it's the wife's birthday sorry.

Oh but I've got a
new gym slip specially.

Really.

And it's your size.

Well maybe just for five minutes.

I really rang to reassure
you about this development

nonsense, I wish you would
have told me darling.

But I haven't seen you
for absolutely ages darling.

And you said never to
ring you at home or your...

No, no quite, don't worry
I'll put a stop to it.

Bang the drum a bit you know,

they don't like publicity
these development boys.

Why not, you do?

Well that's different, don't
want to be a back bencher

all me life, no harm in letting the public

know the things you do.

Not all the things you do.

Sauce box.

Is it green or navy blue.

And would the minister agree
that the Middleton Terrace

scheme highlights the problem
of profits before people?

The octopus of office
development must be stopped

before inner London
becomes a concrete desert.

Cries of here, here and shame.

Here I think I've got a bunion coming.

Sir Edmond then asked the
minister for an assurance.

George, that only just missed me.

Oh sorry.

I've told you about
not doing that in here.

One of these day's you're
gonna have somebody's eyes out.

Alright well I'll do
it in the kitchen then.

You will not, I've got
a salad on the table.

Alright, alright.

Pig.

It's a big hooray for
battling Sir Edmund,

and a swift Harvey Smith for
the build 'em anywhere brigade

Great stuff, here's another bit.

Sir Edmund, President of
the Preserve London Society

accepted a 1000 snigature petition.

That'll be the Guardian.

Right, from local
residenets, and the society

are pressing the GLC for
a preservation order.

I'll tell you another thing we can do

if the worst comes to the worst,

we could occupy the building.

We already occupy it we've got a lease.

Oh well so much better,
it won't be illegal.

Is there anything in your paper?

Yeah, 38-24-36 has
appeared in Crossroads,

the Benny Hill Show and hopes
one day to be an actress.

Listen, does anybody
fancy a game of something?

What cards?

No, no, no, not cards.

How about a little game of Monopoly.

Oh half the monies missing.

Well we don't have to play with money.

I mean, you know, we can
play with something else.

Not strip Monopoly?

Why not.

Oh alright then, get the board out.

Alright.

Actually my grandad
taught me how to play this,

I always win.

Very kind of you to see me Sir Edmund.

I'm afraid it won't do
you much good Mr um, mr er,

Plutherow.

Plutherow.

I'm totally opposed to your scheme.

Yes indeed, you haven't spoken
out so strongly for years.

Not since your great campaign against

purchase tax on gym slips.

Oh yes, well, I shall
continue to speak out

on television tomorrow night.

I shall be putting the
facts before the public.

Including the fact that you
own one of the properties.

These faceless men, what?

Number five I think.

Um, yes well one has to have a house

in ones own constituency,
I seldom use it myself.

No, Miss Hazel Lovett
is I believe the occupier.

Ah, yes.

A friend of yours I presume.

Yes.

Or perhaps a friend
of your good lady wife?

No.

Really.

(triumphant trumpet music)

Hey Mildred they've got next door.

They got all of them except ours.

Just think of the strong
bargaining position it puts us in.

I mean if we were thinking of
selling it, which we're not.

Well I'm going into town to buy myself

a sexy see through nightie.

What for?

I'll tell you what for George.

Because if ever I die a violent death

you stand a fair chance
of recognising the body.

Silly bitch.

(slow dramatic music)

Typical of women that, selfish they are.

I mean when has she ever
given me anything hey,

apart from you.

No I tell you Arthur, women they've got,

Arthur.

(doorbell buzzing)

Good morning, Mr Roper.

Morris Plutherow, I wondered
if I might have a word

with your lady wife and yourself.

Yeah well go through,
she's out at the moment.

Oh what a pity, still
I'm sure you and I,

man to man so to speak.

I was expecting this
you know, follow me.

You need this house hey, the last one.

Puts me in a very strong
bargaining position hey.

Um, no.

Well, of course I know
all about these things.

How do you mean?

Well I really dropped
in to apologise you see.

When we knock down the other five houses

it's bound to cause you
a lot of inconvenience.

Dust, noise, possibly vermin,

reduce the value of your property.

Hang on, hang on I
haven't refused to sell it.

No I'll sell it yeah, the same price

as you paid the others.

Done.

And you'll take it
with the sitting tenants.

What sitting tenants?

Well them upstairs, they've
got a three year lease.

Are you suggesting I
knock down the bottom half

and leave them up there.

No, no, no, but it doesn't prevent you

buying the house does it.

How shall I put it
Mr Roper, yes it does.

Which one of them
actually signed the lease?

(suspenseful music)

Good afternoon, well, well, well,

fancy seeing you of all people.

Plutherow, off to lunch are you?

Yes.

Well perhaps I could give you a lift,

or even buy you a lunch.

What for?

Oh come now, does there
have to be a reason,

be my guest.

Any particular restaurant you fancy?

The Savoy Grill, the Ritz?

Do they take luncheon vouchers?

No I'm paying, I insist.

Why?

The pleasure of your company,

plus of course a small
business matter to tidy up.

Carlton Towers?

No, I know a very nice
little restaurant, straight on.

I thought I might add a
touch more nutmeg you know,

just a gnats like, you know a subtle hint.

I mean if you think it's alright
, if you don't just say so.

No, no, that'll be fine.

Great well I'll go wash me hands again.

I've been touching the flour.

Here you seen who just come in?

- 200
- Pounds.

Just for your lease.

What do you say hmm?

I'll tell you later,

I wouldn't like to spoil your lunch.

Ah come now.

Mr Plutherow, I'm a naive young girl.

I wouldn't say that.

Oh but it's what you were thinking.

Look you can't just buy people off.

Ah, idealism, I'm an idealist myself.

250.

There are other people
living in that flat.

Loyalty, a rare quality, 300.

What's the going rate for
motherhood and the flag?

I beg your pardon.

Is this the same fella
you were telling me about?

Yeah, it's 'cause of him
I've gotta look for a new pad.

I'll start with the
avocado, will you excuse me.

Of course.

What's going on then?

Well not much, he's in the
middle of trying to bribe me

into throwing you and
Jo out on the streets.

I've been thinking and
I've changed my mind.

Marvellous I knew you would.

I think I'll start with
the beluga caviar instead.

Oh yes, um, yes, one caviar

and I'll have the prawn cocktail.

Right oh monsieur.

He's got a nerve, he really has.

What he needs is a knuckle butty.

The salmon salad, and
a steak Diane for me.

Someone ought to teach him a lesson.

Right, what's he ordered then?

Well he's having a steak Diane.

Steak Diane, there's a lot
you can do to a steak Diane.

What you gonna do?

I am going to add just
a teeny bit too much

black pepper, that's what I'm going to do.

Oh, you can do a lot
more to it then that mate.

Hey you're right, nip
into the chemists next door.

Of course my mother wanted
me to be a concert cellist

but I didn't have the knees for it.

So I went into property management.

From one big fiddle to another.

Oh very good, yes.

Caviar for mademoiselle, and
prawn cocktail for monsieur.

Yes very artistic lady my mother.

She used to stand me on
the piano in the parlour

to do Drakes Drum with gestures.

Was this recently?

Oh no, no, no.

Does your starter taste alright?

Hmm, delicious, how's yours?

Unusual flavour, exotic.

How's it going then chief?

Yes actually I think I'll
cut down on the brandy.

Here try some of that
instead, syrup of figs.

Oh come on, no come on you can't do that

to a steak Diane, I
mean it's just, you can.

(laughing)

Castor oil, just a
dollop for the flavour.

Why not.

(laughing)

Here, bung some of
that in as well alright.

What is it?

Epsom salts.

(laughing)

Why not.

Oh my God.

Look I know you're only doing your job.

Yes.

It's underhand, it's sneaky, it's rotten

but it is your job.

Well.

And you could go up to 400.

400.

And the answer would still be no.

Oh.

Very rich this sauce, picot even.

Actually now I think
we might have gone a bit

too far here, it says
use half a teaspoon full.

Still nothing seems to be happening.

That's what they said about Kracatoa.

Look perhaps I just sort
of better go out there,

stroll out there and sort
of casually mention that,

it's not an easy thing to bring up

in a casual conversation is it.

Hardly.

If you really wanted
too you could stop it.

Oh, I don't think I could my dear.

The whole thing is too far advanced.

We've agreed terms with
five of the houses.

So you're going to pull them down?

Oh I am indeed.

Does your coffee taste alright?

Fine.

Must be me.

Look I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll make one final offer of,

excuse me a minute.

(phone buzzing)

Hello.

Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Where was I?

In there.

Oh no, no, what was I saying?

You were about to make a final offer.

Ah yes.

And I was about to refuse it.

Oh.

Oh, thank you, excuse me a minute.

What right away?

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting sir.

Had to stop off once or twice on the way.

Did you get all the houses?

Yes, yes, almost.

Not quite, no.

Small problem with sitting
tenants at number six,

troublemakers.

Communists?

No worse, idealists.

Hmm.

Public relations tells
me we're not getting

a good press Plutherow.

Ah, yes, well, I can't.

Will you excuse me a moment sir.

Sit down.

This could affect my knighthood.

(phone buzzing)

Spiros.

It may be personal sir,
I'll just leave you to.

Stay.

Hold on, I'm also informed
from a reliable source

that the GLC will grant
a preservation order

at their next meeting.

Speak.

- Um.
- Yes.

Yes, he's here with me now.

No I haven't told him, yet.

Public relations again.

What, what haven't you told me sir?

Morris you know I've always liked you.

Don't say that sir.

But I've been asked to appear
on television this evening,

to defend our, your Middleton
Terrace development.

Not an easy task sir.

No, no, that's why
I'm not going to do it.

Wise, wise, wise.

You are, and you will
disarm any criticism

of the project.

How?

By telling them it's cancelled.

Yes but, but why.

On environmental and moral grounds.

A sincere gesture to public opinion.

And because a certain
incompetent was unable

to knock down all six houses

before a preservation
order was planted on them.

If I was able to get all the houses,

I could still...

Six o'clock tonight
Morris, I'll be watching.

And should my name come up,

don't forget to stress that
I give a lot to charities.

Anonymously, children's
charities, no, no, make it dogs.

Plutherow where are you going?

Not in my private washroom, Plutherow.

(toilet flushing)
(suspenseful music)

Thames Television, Eastern Road.

No, stop off at Middleton
Terrace, number six.

Oh it's you, come in.

Mr Roper, I'll buy it.

Hey, you mean with the sitting tenants?

Yes, yes, I don't
think they'll stay long

once I've knocked down the staircase.

Sign this, there, there and there.

Can I use your washroom facilities?

You what, you mean the bog?

Yes.

Oh yeah, it's straight through there.

All I need now is a pen.

Oh God, those tube
trains in the rush hour.

All those men, pressing up against you.

You can't move, they're
breathing in your ear,

ooh it was lovely.

Very nice I'm sure.

By the way I got my see
through nightie though.

There, I bet that'll send
your blood pressure up.

Oh yeah.

In fact I'm sure of it,
look at the price tag.

Cor, struth.

Oh and what have you got here?

Oh, yeah.

If you've signed it
I'll just, oh afternoon.

I see.

Well he did try to
make me sign it my love,

but I didn't.

You turned down 400 pounds,
I think that's really daft.

(indiscernible shouting)

Yeah but it's nice it's worth.

Oh don't you believe it
I was holding out for 500

but he left.

[Mildred] Go on, out.

Mrs. Roper.

Coming in here, baffling
my poor greedy little husband

like that, here, get out.

Mr. Roper, this is
your last opportunity.

If you do not take it I shall
go on television tonight

and cancel the whole project.

- What?
- It's true, look.

Hey that's great.

Fantastic.

That's exactly what we
want, isn't it George?

Think, think of my wife and children.

That's them there, look, look.

If their daddy doesn't
make a success of this,

what will happen to the little mites?

Oh my Gawd.

It's not easy when
your father is a failure.

Your hard you people, hard.

Just see him to his car.

No George, you just get in there.

(sombre music)

You can have your
photograph back Jenkins.

Afternoon, how are you feeling?

Huh.

Thought you might be.

Thames Television, Euston Road.

So we cancel one project,
there'll be others for me.

You have your ear to the ground Jenkins,

you know who's on the way
up and who's on the way out,

don't you.

Oh.

That's it George, we won.

What's the name of that programme he's on?

Today six o'clock.

We must watch it.

Get the sherry out George, we
deserve a little celebration.

(doorbell buzzing)

[Jo] Oh hello.

Hello love, where's everybody?

Oh they're in the kitchen.

We were wondering whether
you'd like to join us for a,

(all laughing)

All that money.

I think we owe quite a lot to Mr. Roper.

After all if he'd sold the
house where would we be now.

Visiting him in hospital love.

It just shows you when
ordinary men and women

get together and put their minds to it,

they can really do things.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

So will I, oh hello, never mind dear

there's a drink waiting
for you downstairs.

I've only got sherry.

Oh nothing like a
pint of draught sherry.

Oh now come on, If I get
whisky in George drinks it.

George!

- Here are dear.
- Lovely thank you.

(car engine sputtering)

Come on, come on.

George!

Where's he going?

Just a minute, I've got an idea.

There, I was right, here look.

That's where he's going, well come on.

(dramatic music)

George, oh you, George, where you going?

This is where Plutherow's gone.

That's a bit of luck,
left the keys in the car.

Come on Jo, quick.

Shall we ask him first?

I'm sure he won't mind.

Oy!

Yes sir, I'll fix that up.

Just a minute, very good sir.

I've got to see a man,
that's his Rolls outside.

He's going on the, what's his
name, the Today programme.

That's studio three sir.

Just a minute, do you have a ticket?

What, no, just step
aside I'm in a hurry.

Unless you've got a ticket
you can't go in there.

Now don't you come that
with me, I know your sort.

Oh do you.

I pay my licence, jumped up twit.

Is this absolutely necessary?

Yes love, I mean we don't
want your nose flaring do we.

Oh dear, I do hope we
don't get any strobeing

off those wrinkles.

Ah Sir Edmund, oh, looking a bit peaky.

How do you do.

(bouncy music)

Hold it, hold it, where
do you think you're going?

Um, I'm a vicar,

I'm a freaked out hippy swinging vicar

of St. Theresa's of the Roses

and I'm doing the epilogue interviewing

Miss World, Miss World here.

I'm interested in
travel and meeting people,

and religion, which
way's the Today studio?

Have any of you got any tickets?

We want to catch my
husband, before he gets into...

What?

Arthur.

Hey.

Arthur Mulgrove.

Mildred, Mildred Asquith.

Oh Arthur.

Mildred.

Do you think those two know each other?

- Arthur.
- Mildred.

Well, well, well, Arthur.

Fancy that, my Mildred.

Stop it, stop it you
here me or you'll go blind.

Excuse me.

Who are you?

Mr. Roper.

What a good memory you've got.

Oh thank you, I'm looking for Today.

Today, this is Today,
here with us all day today.

No, no, no.

All day today, you're standing on it.

All these walls are today.

No, I mean the studio.

General direction, it's all the general

direction of today.

No, no, studio three.

Studio three?

Straight up here, left, and left again,

left again, and then left again.

Then I'll be there?

No, you'll be back here but by then

somebody might be here who knows the way.

Got to get these things out.

(blows raspberry)

Yes well I kept your photograph with me

all through the Malayan
campaign wrapped up in...

Oh Arthur, here I named
my budgie after you.

Oh Mildred.

I would have replied to your letters,

but you never wrote any.

Oh, well I didn't
want my feelings for you

going through the Army sensor now did I.

I didn't know, well
then you see I took up

with this butchers boy.

Oh, anything ever come of that then?

Oh no, nothing at all, I married him.

Tell Bill three minutes
to go if he wants too.

(indiscernible muttering)

Sir Edmund Weir, how do you do sir.

What?

Good lord, well I didn't expect this,

what a surprise, yes.

You certainly had me fooled.

No sir Edmund, this is not your life,

this is just the programme script sorry.

Mr Plutherow, how do you do sir.

How do you do, may I...

No, I'm afraid you can't.

We'll go blind, blind you hear me.

Oh excuse me.

Of course anything for a sailor.

Autographs right.

I didn't really want your autograph.

The new accupuncture,
see through autograph.

I wanted your autograph.

Sorry can you tell us
where studio three is.

Of course, you go straight up there

until you get to Stoke
on Trent and ask again.

I think you're very funny
and you really make me laugh.

I'm sure actually he doesn't
want to know about that.

Shut up, kung fu, go
and streak somewhere else.

Carry on, tell me more.

Excuse me but do you,

No, no, no white will win in the end.

No chance Jack, black
will win in the end.

- White.
- Black.

I've been doing these
chess problems for years,

white may be a pawn down but his...

Excuse me, do you know, here you're,

I know you, you're Sambo the Nig-nog,

straight out of the jungle.

Just a minute do you mind.

You mustn't talk to my friend like that.

Well you do on the telly.

He gets paid for it.

I mean you're just as bad, you call him

white honky and snowflakes.

Do you know the way to studio three?

That way.

Tah.

Dear, dear, dear, what you having mate?

Think I fancy a white lady.

Pardon.

John on two, look I
know you're a tit man love

but let's photograph the money hey.

Thank you on to Bill, thank you.

2:45, stand by tele cine.

Let me in, I've got to see...

Are you one of the invited audience sir?

Yeah, yeah.

Alright get in there, behave yourself

in an orderly fashion,
no fidgeting, no smoking.

Right.

And be quiet.

I'm sorry.

I em, I trust you're
not going to say a word

about Hazel.

Miss Lovett, I wouldn't
want the world to know

that I've been keeping a
young lady in number five.

No you wouldn't would you.

10 seconds to go, good
luck boys and girls.

Nine, eight, seven, roll tele cine.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Good evening and welcome
to tonight's edition

of the Today programme.

We're going to devote
the whole of this evening

to the Middleton Terrace controversy,

a project which really has
highlighted the scandal

of homes being swept away

and replacing them by office blocks.

With me in the studio
I have Sir Edmund Weir.

Good evening.

And Mr Morris Plutherow.

It's more then my jobs worth.

Couldn't you just let
us sneak in quietly?

It's very important.

I'm not allowed to let you in.

I'm not allowed to smoke on duty either,

or accept gratuities.

Um, perhaps.

Ah well the programme
has started but perhaps.

Fairy Liquid voucher.

Well I've got some press
cuttings here gentlemen,

here's one, these property
leeches, I'm quoting now.

These property leeches must be plucked

from the fair body of England's capital.

We shall fight them on
the planning committees,

we shall fight them on the local councils.

We shall never surrender
until this misbegotten

project is cancelled.

Your own words Sir Edmund,
you still stand by them?

Well,

no.
- No.

Mr Plutherow, you of course
believe that this development

is socially necessary and must go ahead?

Well, no.

No, I see, well there we
have the respective positions.

Hey, there's Roper.

Later in the programme
there'll be questions

from the studio audience
but in the mean time

if I understand the position correctly.

You sir are now in favour of the offices,

and you are against them.

Yes and no.

Who the hell's that?

Fred be a poppet and get him out will you.

Not altogether.

He's got the agreement.

You see Bill we property
people are misunderstood.

For instance I have here the plans,

the office development permit.

I just wanted a word with him,

he's got what he wants.

Evening.

And the agreements equitably arrived at

by five of the householders including

(clears throat)

Oh yes, but my superior Mr Spiros,

a man who has given several
children to dogs charities,

anonymously of course
and who is very anxious

about his knighthood has decided to cancel

the whole project on
environmental grounds.

So it only remains for me to publicly

tear this lot up, and
announce that compensation

will be paid to each and every.

Number six.

(sombre music)

Oh isn't that a lovely sight.

Right, hey.

(laughing)

Morning.

Chrissy, have you ever,

have you ever played chess?

Yes my grandma taught me.

Forget it.

Ah well at least everybody's
getting compensation.

Everyone except the Ropers.

Oh I don't know, I think Mrs
Roper might be getting some.

There's his taxi George.

Are you going to help
him in with his luggage.

Stuff his luggage, I don't know

what we want a lodger for anyway.

Arthur.

Oh marvellous to see you.

Morning Mildred.

Morning love, come on inside,

George is just dying to see you.

You're looking lovely.

I know.

Is that the game where
you try to huff people?

No, no, no, no, that's draughts.

Oh well then I can't play chess.

Can't you.

Well you see it's a very simple game.

But first of all you must find out

the value of the pieces you see.

Now say for instance here we have a pawn.

Pawn.

Pawn that's right, and that's
worth a pair of tights, see.

Here we have a bishop and
that's got to be worth a skirt.

And here we have the queen.

Queen.

Queen yes, and that's got to be worth,

well we'll sort that out some other time.

But you see the whole object of the game

is to try to mate.

♪ I've always had it easy
with a man about the place ♪

♪ Steaming up the mirror
when I'm making up my face ♪

♪ He's just a friend, a helping hand ♪

♪ A ready willing smile ♪

♪ But could it be that
love has been here ♪

♪ On my doorstep all the while ♪

♪ But it's not easy
when he's always been ♪

♪ Just a man about the house ♪

♪ Must rearrange things,
not to estrange him ♪

♪ Now I know ♪

♪ With all the little things
we've shared and said ♪

♪ Right from the start ♪