Mame (1974) - full transcript

"I, Edward Dennis,
of 352 Lakeshore Drive,

"Chicago, Illinois,

"in case of my death,
do hereby bequeath

"all of my worldly possessions

"to my only child, Patrick.

"Should I die before the boy
reaches 18 years of age,

"I appoint my sister,
Mame Dennis,

"of 3 Beekman Place,
New York City,

"as Patrick's guardian.

"He is to be reared
as a Protestant...

I'm sorry.



"...and sent
to conservative schools.

"All cash and securities
are to be handled

"by the Knickerbocker
Trust Company.

"Mame will be the first
to see the wisdom of this.

"She is to submit monthly bills
for my son's food,

"lodging, clothing,
and education.

"The trust company will have
every right to question any item

"that seems unusual
or eccentric.

"Mame will know what I mean."

♪ Saint Bridget ♪

♪ Deliver us to Beekman Place ♪

♪ Away from the wicked ♪

♪ And depraved ♪

♪ Your dear aunt is peeping ♪



♪ Through the curtain lace ♪

♪ Calling, "Come ye inside ♪

♪ Where you'll be saved" ♪

♪ For although Manhattan

♪ May be warped and wild ♪

♪ There's safety
In Auntie Mame's embrace ♪

♪ So if you have pity ♪

♪ On this helpless child ♪

♪ God love you
Dear Saint Bridget ♪

♪ Deliver us to ♪

♪ Beekman Place ♪

Is Miss Dennis
at home?

Come in, come in.
Come, come.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

The agency told me you are to be
here two hours ago. What happened?

Never mind.
Just follow me.

By the way, they didn't say
anything about a kid.

Just keep him away from the booze
and don't let him break anything.

In here.

Mame, what the
hell are we celebrating?

A holiday.

One I just invented.

The moon is full,
the gin's in the bathtub,

and all of my dearest
friends are here.

Even the ones
I haven't met yet.

♪ Light the candles ♪

♪ Get the ice out ♪

♪ Roll the rug up ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Though it may not be
Anyone's birthday ♪

♪ And though it's far
From the first of the year ♪

♪ I know that this very minute
Has history in it ♪

♪ We're here ♪

♪ It's a time for ♪

♪ Makin' merry ♪

♪ And so I'm for ♪

♪ Makin' hay ♪

♪ Tune the grand up ♪

♪ Dance your shoes off ♪

♪ Strike the band up ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ And we're livin' ♪

♪ And we're well, gang ♪

♪ So raise hell, gang ♪

♪ While we may ♪

♪ Call the cops out ♪

♪ Raise a racket ♪

♪ Pull the stops out ♪

♪ Pull out the stops ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Light the candles ♪

♪ JFill the punch bowl ♪

♪ Throw confetti ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Life can also be lived On a weekday ♪

♪ So don't depend
On a holiday date ♪

♪ If you need
New Year's to bubble ♪

♪ Then order a double and wait ♪

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ There's a thank you ♪

♪ You can give life ♪

♪ If you live life ♪

♪ All the way ♪

♪ Pour the Scotch out ♪

♪ Hold the roof down ♪

♪ Fellas watch out ♪

♪ It's today ♪

If anyone here
is your Auntie Mame,

it's better you never know.

♪ It's a time for ♪

♪ Makin' merry ♪

♪ And so I'm for ♪

♪ Makin' hay ♪

♪ Tune the grand up
Call the cops out ♪

♪ Strike the band up
Pull the stops out ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's today ♪

May I slide down
the banister?

Well, why not?

My father never let me.

Well, now, that's too bad.

You must come
from a dreadful family.

I only have one relative
in the whole world.

Oh, really, dear?
And who is that?

You.

That's right.

Who are you?

Agnes Gooch.

But that's impossible.

You're not coming
until tomorrow.

Your telegram clearly
said December 1st.

And this is
November 31st.

And everyone knows 30 days has
September, April, June and No...

Oh, my God.

I'm your Auntie Mame.

Listen, everyone.

Listen, everyone.

Everyone, listen to me,
please, shh!

Everyone,
listen to me, please.

This is my little boy.

My little boy.

What'd she say?

Actually,
he isn't mine.

He's my brother's son from

Chicago, my poor late brother.

This little tyke,
in the whole wide world,

I'm his only living relative.

And he's my only
living relative.

That's all we have,
just each other, my little love.

What's your name again?

Patrick. Patrick Dennis.

Patrick, yes.

Would you like a martini?

How about
some caviar?

Oh, yes, darling,
you must be famished.

Patrick, I'd like you
to meet Fred Kates,

my wizard of Wall Street.

He's the only man I know
who invests with any real flair.

Oh, and I'd like you
to meet Ralph Divine.

Hello, young person.

The most controversial
headmaster in New York,

and we both disagree violently
with the Board of Education.

Come along, darling.

Hello there, young man.

This is Judge Bregoff.

He just freed
the Hatchet Killer.

Vera, darling!

Patrick,
this is Vera Charles,

the first lady
of the American theater.

And your Auntie Mame's
dearest friend.

She just loves little boys.

Yes.

Have you noticed
you're very handsome?

I guess it runs
in the family.

So are you.

Listen, everyone. Listen.

This is a holiday.

It's Patrick's Day.

My Patrick's day.

♪ Light the sparklers ♪

♪ Crash the cymbals ♪

♪ Blow the bugle ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Someone gave me
A wonderful present ♪

♪ A little package
All shiny and new ♪

♪ So start the whistling
And clapping ♪

♪ 'Cause under the wrapping ♪

♪ Was you ♪

♪ And we'll ♪

♪ Give life ♪

♪ Quite a tumble ♪

♪ And we'll live life ♪

♪ All the way ♪

♪ Call the cops out ♪

♪ Raise a racket ♪

♪ Pull the stops out ♪

♪ It's today ♪

Auntie Mame?

Huh?

I wanted to show
you my bugle.

Huh.

Oh, yes.
It's lovely, dear.

Egads!

Patrick, please.

Your Auntie Mame is hung.

Oh.
Oh, wait a minute.

Come... Come back, dear.

Come back.

I-I really love the bugle.

It's just that it took me
a little by surprise.

Come here and give
your Auntie Mame a nice kiss.

Gently, gently.

Oh, that was lovely.

My, you're going to make some
lucky woman very happy someday.

Yeah, well, um...
I guess you'd like to discuss school.

Well, you met Mr. Divine
last night,

and, uh, he's opening
a new school.

It's coed
and very revolutionary.

And he's absolutely au courant

with everything
that's going on in Vienna.

None of that dead,
tired Montessori for him.

And there'll be lots
of nonobjective art

and eurythmics
and discussion groups.

No books
or anything like that.

I know you're going
to love it.

It will give your libido
a good shaking up.

What's libido?

Well, you'll find out
about that.

And I'm sure, there'll be
a lot of other words

that you'll want to understand.

So why don't you just
jot them down,

and once a week,
we'll go over them, hm?

Did you brush your teeth
this morning?

That's good.

Did you sleep well?

What did you hear about me?

Nothing.

Oh, come on now.

Somebody must've said
something about me.

- Only Mr. Babcock.
- Who's he?

- He's my trustee.
- Oh.

What did he
have to say?

He said you were
a peculiar duck.

And to be left in your hands

was a fate
he wouldn't wish on a dog.

That bastard.

The word, dear,
is bastard.

B-A-S-T-A-R-D.

And it means
Mr. Babcock.

Oh, my God.

Someone's been
sleeping in my dress.

Well, don't worry,

Vera, darling.

We'll get the wrinkles out.

A fate he wouldn't
wish on a dog.

Hmph!

Do you think it's so terrible

coming to live
with your Auntie Mame?

Don't answer that.

Your coming here
is the best thing

that ever happened to you.

I mean, look at you.
You're 9 years old.

And you look like
you just came from a funeral.

I did.

Oh.

Well, it's over.

And we're going to make up
for everything

that you've missed.

In fact, you know
who's going to be your teacher?

Me, the peculiar duck.

I'm gonna show you things
you never dreamed existed.

Look at that.

- At what?
- At everything.

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Open a new door ♪

♪ Travel a new highway ♪

♪ That's never been
Tried before ♪

♪ Before you find
You're a dull fellow ♪

♪ Punching the same clock ♪

♪ Walking the same tightrope
As everyone on the block ♪

♪ The fellow you ought to be
Is three-dimensional ♪

♪ Soaking up life ♪

♪ Down to your toes ♪

♪ Whenever they say you're
Slightly unconventional ♪

♪ Just put your thumb ♪

♪ Up to your nose
And show 'em how to ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Whistle a new song ♪

♪ Toast with a new vintage ♪

♪ The fizz doesn't fizz
Too long ♪

♪ There's only one way
To make the bubbles stay ♪

♪ Simply travel a new highway ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Whistle a new love song ♪

♪ Toast with a new vintage ♪

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Everyday ♪

♪ If you'll follow
Your Auntie Mame ♪

♪ I'll make this vow
My little love ♪

♪ That on the last day
Of your life ♪

♪ You'll be smiling the same
Young smile ♪

♪ You're smiling now
My little love ♪

♪ If you wake up every morning ♪

♪ And you pull aside
The shutter ♪

♪ And promise me
That these'll be ♪

♪ The first words
That you utter ♪

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Open a new door ♪

Mame sent me.

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Open a new door ♪

♪ Travel a new highway ♪

♪ That's never been tried
Before ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Whistle a new song ♪

♪ Toast with a new vintage
The fizz doesn't fizz too long ♪

♪ There's only one way
To make the bubbles stay ♪

♪ Simply travel a new highway ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Everyday ♪

Will you kindly tell
Miss Dennis

that Mr. Babcock of

the Knickerbocker Bank is here?

Miss Dennis no home.
Nobody's home.

- Is the boy in school?
- Oh, boy in school.

- Where is it?
- Me don't know. Maybe Brooklyn.

- Brooklyn?
- Maybe not.

Now, look here, young man...

My, what a pretty, pretty car.

Is this your pretty car?

You know, it's so refreshing to

meet someone who admires beauty.

I mean, I assume
you feel as I do,

that this age we live in
is so materialistic.

I've nothing to do. You'll never
find it by yourself,

so why don't I just come along
and show you?

Ito, get the car out.

I personally find bankers
the Renaissance men of our time.

I mean, for instance,

where would Flo Ziegfield be
without money?

I ask you that.

However, in Fallen Angel,

all of my clothes
were done by Chanel.

She said to me, "Cherie..."

She always used
to call me "cherie."

Oh, driver, right here.
Yeah, right up ahead.

She always called me "cherie."

"Cherie," she said,

"clothes not only make
the woman,

clothes make the world."

Oh, she's brilliant!

Sell her own mother,
but brilliant.

However, for my first entrance
in my new show,

the costume is so dazzling
that we expect complaints

from the orchestra.

It has an Empire sash
of polished...

pearls.

And a peekaboo bodice
of aluminum sequins.

Mame!

Oh, Mame, darling,
have you met?

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

You must be Mr. Babcock.

But the boy
enjoys it!

You call that
educating a boy?

Look, Mr. Babcock,
please let him stay with me.

We'll discuss
another school.

Miss Gooch, pack
this boy's bags immediately.

My God,
you're nasty.

Mame, I've got
to speak with you.

Oh, Fred, thank God you're here.
He's taking Patrick away.

- Miss Dennis' residence.
- I'm taking him

to a restricted school
in another state!

He's gonna be
so far away from her,

that the only time she'll
be able to breathe on him

is at Christmas and summer.

And if I can stop that,
I will!

- Mame?
- So that does it.

You want a fight,
you'll get it.

Mame, you've got to make
a decision this minute.

Auntie Mame,
I don't wanna go.

Don't worry,
darling.

It's illegal to interrupt
a child's schooling.

That's not a school.
That's the Garden of Eden.

Miss Dennis, your accountant
wants to say hello

before he jumps
out the window.

I'll take it. Yes?

This boy is gonna be turned
into a God-fearing Christian

if I have to break
every bone in his body.

Patrick...!

Everything?

I see.

Mame.

The market's gone crazy.

They say you're wiped out.

We all are.

Oh, thank God I never put
anything aside.

I don't give a damn
about money.

I lost my child.

I'm sorry, Mame.

I... better go see
what I can salvage.

Mame, I know how you must feel.

Vera, what am I going to do?

You must hate me.

I led him right to the school.
I had no idea.

Oh, forget about that.

Mame, I'm going to make it
up to you, I promise.

Vera, how could you possibly
help me get Patrick back?

Mame, you're going
to need money.

So I'm going to get you
a job in my new show.

Vera, I don't want charity.

Besides, I found out years ago
what you thought of my talent

when we were
in the chorus together.

I was never in the chorus.

Well, what difference
does it make?

The show won't run anyway.

I was never in the chorus.

Your shows never run.

I was never in...

What do you mean
my shows don't run?

My God, Vera,
they're so old-fashioned.

I'll have you know this is
an extremely modern operetta.

It's about a lady astronomer.

Lady astronomer?

I'd like to play
a lady astronomer.

I am the lady astronomer.

Oh.

But there is a part
that you might be right for.

Now, it's very small.
Actually only one line.

Only one line?

Well, it comes at
the very climax of the play.

You see,
I teach in this convent.

You...? You...?

You teach in... In a convent?

Do you want the job or not?

I do. I do.

But you in a convent?

I'll have you know
that once in Pittsburgh,

I played Mother Cabrini.

During Lent.

Anyway, I'm in love
with a professor

who teaches
in this men's seminary.

Only he's a terrible alcoholic.

However...

it is the night
of the rising of the moon,

and I've just discovered
something through my telescope.

And I sing.

♪ I have a little secret
I'd like to impart ♪

♪ That I hope doesn't give you
Too much of a start ♪

♪ Though it's shocking ♪

♪ It's completely true ♪

♪ I know it isn't gossip ♪

♪ Or rumor, of course ♪

♪ For I've had it
From quite a reliable source ♪

♪ And I'd like to ♪

♪ Pass it on ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ The man in the moon ♪

♪ Is a lady ♪

♪ A lady with lipstick ♪

♪ And curls ♪

♪ The cow that jumped over ♪

♪ Cried, "Jumpin' Jehovah ♪

♪ "I think it's just ♪

♪ One of the girls" ♪

Though, uh...

Though earthbound man

judge your love ill-fated,

be not afraid.

♪ It's a Saturn chemise ♪

♪ Oh, her friends ♪

♪ Are the stars ♪

♪ And the planets ♪

♪ She sends the Big Dipper ♪

♪ A kiss ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ So don't ever offend her ♪

♪ Remember her gender ♪

♪ The man ♪

♪ In the moon ♪

♪ Is a miss ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh ♪

The stars have brought
us together, my beloved.

And now we shall have proof
of my great discovery.

For it is the time

of the rising of the moon.

The time of the rising

of the moon!

Moon Lady, you're on!

The rising of the moon
is a bit late, my beloved.

But we shall see it soon

in all its glory.

Tell her to get her ass
on that moon!

- Though earthbound man judge...
- You're on, you're on!

Though earthbound man

judge your love...

Though earthbound man

judge your love...

III-fated!

III-fated, ill-fated!

III-fated!

Uh...

III-fated!

♪ So don't ever offend her
Remember her gender ♪

♪ The man in the moon
Is a miss ♪

Wh...!

The most shocking thing
that has happened

in the history of the theatre.

Vera, darling, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me, please.

Listen, everybody, Vera Charles
is my dearest friend.

I owe my whole career to her.

Come on, come on,
curtain calls.

Let go of me.
Get off stage.

Let go of me.

I can't, I'm stuck.

Has anyone
got some pliers?

Get a hacksaw!
Cut her arm off!

Vera.

Right there.

That's it.
No more curtain calls.

All right, house lights!

I have an astronomical
discovery for you.

The man in the moon
is a bitch!

Attention, everybody.

Eleven o'clock call tomorrow.
Replacement for the Moon Lady.

Sorry, Moon Lady.

Oh!

Oh!

I thought you were
very good, Auntie Mame.

Patrick!

Everybody noticed you.

Oh, Patrick,
what are you doing here?

How did you get to New Haven?

I hitchhiked.

Did they let you
out of school?

Not exactly.

Oh, Patrick.

Are you...? Are you terribly
ashamed of your Auntie Mame?

No, I'm proud of her.

Nobody liked the show
until you came on.

Oh, honey,
your Auntie Mame's a failure.

No, you're not.

Not to me. Not ever.

♪ You're my best girl ♪

♪ And nothing you do is wrong ♪

♪ I'm proud you belong to me ♪

♪ And if a day ♪

♪ Is rough for me ♪

♪ Having you there's enough ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ But if someday ♪

♪ Another girl comes along ♪

♪ It won't take her long ♪

♪ To see ♪

♪ That I'll still be found ♪

♪ Just hangin' around ♪

♪ My ♪

♪ Best ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ You're my best beau ♪

♪ You're handsome and brave
And strong ♪

♪ There's nothing we two
Can't face ♪

♪ If you're with me ♪

♪ Whatever comes ♪

♪ We'll see that trouble ♪

♪ Never comes ♪

♪ And if someday ♪

♪ Another beau comes along ♪

♪ Determined to take
Your place ♪

♪ I hope he's resigned ♪

♪ To fallin' behind ♪

♪ My best beau ♪

♪ And if someday ♪

♪ When everything
Turns out wrong ♪

♪ You're through
With the human race ♪

♪ Come runnin' to me ♪

♪ For I'll always be ♪

♪ Your best girl ♪

♪ My best girl ♪

Sorry, lady.

But why this?

Don't you realize
that I bought this piano

at the Paris Exposition?

Sorry, lady.

Oh!

May I help you, sir?

Well, now, maybe you can.

What did you have in mind?

I was looking for a present.

Perhaps you could suggest
something.

Well, for whom
would the present be?

Oh, cute little filly
down home said,

"Now, don't you dare
come on back here

without you bringin' me a
glistenin', sparklin' surprise."

Well, a cute little filly

who'd say a thing like that
should have a real surprise.

Why don't you give her

a glistenin', sparklin' pair
of these?

Well, you know, I think she
might get a kick out of those.

Except I don't know
the size of her tootsies.

Oh.

Well, are her tootsies
anything like these tootsies?

I'm not sure
they're all that pretty.

Well, perhaps you'd be able

to tell better
if I tried them on for you.

Now, I couldn't put you
to all that trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all.

- Well, then let me help you.
- Thank you.

I'm sure
she'll just love these.

Good sturdy toes

and pretty white laces

and sparklin' little wheels.

- Oh, so you're from Georgia.
- Yes, ma'am.

You know what I love?
Those trees with all that moss.

You know, you ought
to come down and visit

our little ol' plantation
one day.

Perhaps you'd like to see
these in action.

Are you purchasing
those skates, Miss Dennis?

Oh, no, Mr. Gorgon,
I'm merely performing

a little customer service.

Miss Dennis, you were not
employed to perform.

I'm buyin'
the skates, sir.

The little lady was just
modelin' them for me.

Yes, I think I'll write
the order up immediately.

Now, uh,
may I have your name, sir?

Beauregard Jackson
Pickett Burnside.

How was that?

Beauregard Jackson
Pickett Burnside.

Beauregard.

Jackson.

- Pickett, is that with two Ts?
- Yes, ma'am.

Burnside.

My, that's a lovely name.

Thank you.

Where in Georgia?

Peckerwood.

Peckerwood.

Now, how much will that be?

Oh, 15 or 20 dollars.

But that won't be necessary.
This is COD.

Miss Dennis.

Well, I can't
send a gift COD.

Oh, it's the only way.

That makes it even more
of a surprise.

Miss Dennis!

A small conference,
excuse us.

You write that up cash,
or you're finished.

Mr. Gorgon, you know
very well that I don't

know how to write up cash sales.

I taught you four times
this week.

And take off those skates
immediately.

Come on!
Come on, hurry up.

You got me so nervous
I knotted the laces.

Miss Dennis, you are the dumbest
clerk on the entire floor.

You're fired.

Well!

Your loss is Tiffany's gain.

Oh!

Hi, Auntie Mame!

Patrick, darling.
What are you doing home?

Time off for good behavior.

I got an A in French.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was hoping
you'd been expelled.

Uh-oh.

Hi, there.

Fired again?

No questions, all right?

- What's for dinner?
- Shredded Wheat.

Agnes, Ito, I'm sorry.

I was just so hoping

I'd be able to pay you
some of your back salary.

I just can't keep asking you
to work for me for nothing.

We wouldn't think
of leaving you, Miss Dennis.

No place else
to get a job anyway.

Please don't cry,
Auntie Mame.

Hell, we don't even
have any Kleenex.

Thank you.

You're a loving woman,
Miss Dennis.

You're peculiar,
but you're loving.

Well, thank you, Agnes.

You're... You're peculiar too.

I refuse to let
the Depression depress us.

At least they
didn't take these.

Merry Christmas,
everybody.

But it's not
till next month.

But we need it now.

Come on, open them up.

I bought them three jobs ago

before I was tempted
to spend the money

on something foolish
like food.

I don't believe it.

Long pants, at last.

- You like?
- Yeah.

- Thank you, Miss Dennis.
- You're welcome.

Miss Dennis,
I don't know what to say.

I didn't expect anything
like this.

Okay, now, where's all
of last year's tinsel and stuff?

- It's all packed away.
- Go and get it.

♪ Haul out the holly ♪

♪ Put up the tree
Before my ♪

♪ Spirit falls again ♪

♪ Fill up the stockings ♪

♪ We may be rushing things ♪

♪ But deck the halls again now ♪

♪ For we need
A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ Candles in the window
Carols at the spinet ♪

♪ Yes, we need
A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ It hasn't snowed
A single flurry ♪

♪ But, Santa dear
We're in a hurry ♪

♪ So climb down the chimney ♪

♪ Turn on the brightest string
Of lights I've ever seen ♪

♪ Slice up the fruitcake ♪

♪ It's time we hung
Some tinsel ♪

♪ On that evergreen bough ♪

♪ For I've grown
A little leaner ♪

♪ Grown a little colder ♪

♪ Grown a little sadder ♪

♪ Grown a little older ♪

♪ And I need a little angel ♪

♪ Sitting on my shoulder ♪

♪ Need a little Christmas now ♪

♪ Haul out the holly ♪

♪ Haven't I taught you well
To live each living day? ♪

♪ Fill up the stockings ♪

♪ But Auntie Mame
It's one week ♪

♪ Till Thanksgiving Day now ♪

♪ But we need
A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ Candles in the window
Carols at the spinet ♪

♪ Yes, we need
A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ It hasn't snowed
A single flurry ♪

♪ But, Santa dear
We're in a hurry ♪

♪ So climb down
The chimney ♪

♪ It's been a long time
Since I felt good neighbory ♪

♪ Slice up the fruitcake ♪

♪ It's time we hung some tinsel
On that bayberry bough ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Fa-la-la-loo-loo ♪

♪ For we need a little music ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Need a little laughter ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Need a little singing ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Ringing through the rafter ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ And we need a little snappy
Happy ever after ♪

♪ Need a little Christmas now ♪

♪ Need a little Christmas now ♪

♪ We need
A little Christmas now ♪

- Oh! Whew!
- God!

- Hey, Auntie Mame.
- Yeah?

Can I try on my long pants
right now?

Right now.

Miss Dennis.

I hope you don't get angry
about what we've done,

but we have a present
for you too.

Our worries are over.

We paid the butcher bill

all the way up through
the first of September.

We had some money put aside
for a rainy day.

But we didn't know
it was gonna get this wet.

I'll pay you back someday,
I promise.

Wow!

I didn't know you were gonna
have Christmas so early.

I didn't get you anything,

but would you take a kiss
on account?

Would I?

♪ For we need a little music ♪

♪ Need a little laughter ♪

♪ Need a little singing ♪

♪ Ringing through the rafter ♪

♪ And we need a little snappy ♪

♪ Happy ever after ♪

♪ Need a little Christmas now ♪

If that's Santa,
tell him we've already had it.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Come on, Dancer.
Come on, Prancer.

Come on, Donner and Blitzen.

Comet and Cupid,
Dasher and Vixen.

Evening. I don't know
if I have the right address,

but is this where Miss Dennis
lives? Miss Mame Dennis.

Miss Dennis, is that you?

I've been all over that
store trying to find out

how to get in touch with you.

Oh?

I wanted to apologize
for you losin' your job.

Oh.

Uh, we... We... We... We were
just celebrating Christmas.

It's a little early,
but we're free thinkers.

I want you to know
that I told that

floorwalker it was all my fault.

Uh, won't you let me
make it up to you somehow?

At least by takin' you
to dinner.

Oh, well...

All of you.

We'd love to.

Well, now, that
makes me very happy.

Family, I'd like you to meet

Mr. Beauregard Jackson
Pickett Burnside.

Well, now, you all get
your hats and coats,

and I'll go tell
my cab to wait.

Marry him the minute
he asks you.

I never believed
in Santa Claus.

I'm beginning
to change my mind.

Yeah, well,
I never expected Santa Claus

to look so much
like Rhett Butler.

- Are you ready?
- Almost.

Okay.

♪ For we've ♪

♪ Got a little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ Got a little Christmas now ♪

♪ Yes, we've got
A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ Candles in the window ♪

♪ Carols at the spinet ♪

♪ Yes, we've got
A little Christmas ♪

♪ Right this very minute ♪

♪ We've got a little ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Now ♪

Beau, darling.

Hey, there, Sally Cato.
Meet Mame Dennis.

Hey, how are you?

This is her nephew, Patrick.

Hi.

Well, we're lookin' forward
to y'all bein' here.

I just wanted to be
the first one to say welcome.

Hey, come on. Here they come.

They're here. They're here.

Come on. Come on.

Well, we got peaches
right here, ripe for pickin'.

Can't see why any man'd
go hankerin' after

a northern alligator pear.

Mother, the second you meet her,
you're gonna like her.

Well, where is she?

I'll go see
what's holdin' her up.

Patrick, have you seen
your aunt? We're all waitin'.

She'll be right down.
She's just changing.

Mame, honey,
what's keepin' you?

I'll be right down, sugar.

Sweet little darling.

I don't believe that you
have met Beau's mama.

How do you do,
Mrs. Burnside?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm just dying to meet
your little ol' mother.

She's just dyin'
to meet you too, honey.

Mother, may I present
Miss Mame Dennis?

Oh, Mrs. Burnside,

you're more than I expected.

Cousin Fan
and my Uncle Jeff.

Charmed.

And these are my kinfolk.

Charmed.

Oh, you'll be
first-namin' each other

as soon as I slosh another
gallon of bourbon in the punch.

Excuse me, honey.

Hi, there.

Hello, Sally Cato.

You know, I could tell from the
moment I first set eyes on you,

that we was gonna be
the closest of friends.

Oh, well, I hope so.
That's very nice of you.

Tell me,
was it the horses

brought you and
Beauregard together?

Horses?

I know my Beauregard
would be bored blue

with anyone who wasn't
practically born on a horse.

Oh, well, I wasn't
actually born on a horse,

but riding is my life.

Oh, dear me, yes.

Everyday,
up at the crack of noon.

Well, that settles it.

Here I've been wracking my poor
brain how to entertain you.

How to make your visit here
really unforgettable.

And what could be sweeter
than a hunt?

A hunt?

Tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning
we're having a hunt.

You're all invited!

Won't we have a lark,
all of us,

leapin' those hedges,
jumpin' those river gaps,

hounds yappin' around
those boulders.

I tell you, Mame,
every eye in this county

is gonna be on you
tomorrow morning.

Oh, well,
if I'd only known.

I didn't bring any
of my riding togs.

Don't you worry, Mame, child,

I have a dozen things
you can wear.

You do ride astride?

Oh, no, no.
Only sidesaddle.

Well, isn't that grand?

I have a little old sidesaddle
that will suit you just perfect.

Beau. Oh, Beauregard.

You wanna hear
something fantastic?

At the hunt tomorrow,
your little old Yankee girl

is gonna ride sidesaddle.

Sidesaddle?
But that's much too dangerous.

Yes,

but she insists on it.

Well, anything Mame says
she can do, she can do.

Mame, sugar, I'm gonna hold my
breath until tomorrow morning.

You do that, honey.

Oh, look at all
those beautiful dogs.

Yeah, ain't they?

Look out!

Whoa, look out!

Easy!

Now, did I get you

a delicious piece of horseflesh,

or didn't I?

Whoa! Easy! Whoa!

Ain't that Lightning Rod
they're givin' the Dennis woman?

I thought he went mad.

Did.

Easy, easy.

Whoa, boy.

Easy, there. Easy.

- He's all yours.
- Whoa, boy.

Easy. Good.

Okay, Cousin B.J.,
let's go.

Nice horsy, nice horsy.

Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup.

Nice horsy, nice horsy.

Nice horsy, nice horsy.

Nice horsy, giddyup.

Nice, nice.

Giddyup, nice horsy.

That can't be Lightning Rod.

Whoo-ha!
That's Lightning Rod.

Hey, look out.

Hey, watch it! Watch it!

Hey, watch it!
Watch it!

So long, Yankee girl!

Stop right here.

That Dennis woman has one of
the best seats I've ever seen.

Good God,
she's passin' the hunters.

She's passing
the dogs.

Mother of Jefferson Davis,
she's passing the fox.

Come on,
let's follow her.

If she's still on that horse,

we can see her from here.

Foxy. Foxy.

Come here.
Come on, baby.

Come on, foxy. Come on, baby.

Oh, look at the baby.

Look at the baby.

Hyah.

To Mame, the huntress.

To Mame, the huntress!

To Mame, the huntress!

The most amazing feat
I ever saw.

Mother Burnside,

I like her
just as much as you do.

But does she really
belong down here?

Listen, everybody.

Friends, please,
everybody listen.

On this plantation,

in this county,

in the whole blame state,

this morning will
go down in history

as the day
this lovely lady

has restored elegance
and humanity

to the gentlemanly sport
of the hunt.

And you know why, Mame?

'Cause you done more

for the South
than anybody

since Robert E. Lee.

♪ You coax the blues
Right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You charm the husk
Right off of the corn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You've got
The banjoes strummin' ♪

♪ And plunkin' out a tune
To beat the band ♪

♪ The whole plantation's
Hummin' ♪

♪ Since you brought Dixie
Back to Dixieland ♪

♪ You make the cotton
Easy to pick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You give my old
Mint julep a kick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Who ever thought
A Yankee would put ♪

♪ Our little Dixie belles
To shame? ♪

♪ You've made us
Feel alive again ♪

♪ You've given us
The drive again ♪

♪ To make the South
Revive again, Mame ♪

♪ You've brought the cakewalk
Back into style ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You make
The weepin' willow tree smile ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Your skin is Dixie satin ♪

♪ There's rebel in your manner
And your speech ♪

♪ You may be from Manhattan ♪

♪ But Georgia never
Had a sweeter peach ♪

♪ You make the old
Magnolia tree bud ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You make camellias
Bloom in the mud ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You make the bougainvillea
Turn purple ♪

♪ At the mention of your name ♪

♪ We're bakin'
Pecan pies again ♪

♪ Tonight
The chicken fries again ♪

♪ This time the South
Will rise again ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Since you brought Dixie
Back to Dixieland ♪

♪ You make our black-eyed peas
And our grits ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Seem like the bill of fare
At the Ritz ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You came, you saw
You conquered ♪

♪ And absolutely nothing
Is the same ♪

♪ Your special fascination'll ♪

♪ Prove to be inspirational ♪

♪ We think you're
Just sensational, Mame ♪

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

♪ You coax the blues
Right out of the horn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You charm the husk
Right off of the corn ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You've got
The banjoes strummin' ♪

♪ And plunkin' out a tune
To beat the band ♪

♪ The whole plantation's
Hummin' ♪

♪ Since you brought Dixie
Back to Dixieland ♪

♪ You make the cotton
Easy to pick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ You give my old
Mint julep a kick ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Who ever thought
A Yankee would ♪

♪ Put our little Dixie belles
To shame? ♪

♪ You've made us feel
Alive again ♪

♪ You've given us
The drive again ♪

♪ To make the South
Revive again ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

Oh, Beau, do you know
how happy I am?

You're not unhappy
with me, are you?

Unhappy?
Why should I be?

I brought
18 steamer trunks.

And you're gonna need
every last stitch, Mame.

I'm gonna show you
so many remarkable places,

so many incredible things.

I've always had to take
someone else by the hand.

I like it better
this way.

Did you ever live on
a houseboat in Kashmir?

Ever have a picnic
on the Matterhorn?

Did you ever sail over the coast
of Ireland on a balloon?

♪ Lovin' you is snow
And jasmine ♪

♪ And the noise
Of New Year's Eve ♪

♪ Loving you is now ♪

♪ And yesterday is real ♪

♪ And make-believe ♪

♪ Loving you is Rome
And New Orleans ♪

♪ And gazin' at
The lazy summer skies ♪

♪ Fireworks reflectin'
In your eyes ♪

♪ Foolish and improbable
And wise ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ Lovin' you
Is tart as lemonade ♪

♪ And sweet as April wine ♪

♪ Lovin' you is ♪

♪ Watching all the lovely things
Of life combine ♪

♪ In your arms
I'm all I wish I were ♪

♪ I'm brave, I'm strong
And I'm true ♪

♪ As long as I ♪

♪ Can go on livin' ♪

♪ Lovin' you ♪

♪ In your arms
I'm all I wish I were ♪

♪ I'm brave, I'm strong
And I'm true ♪

♪ As long as I ♪

♪ Can go on livin' ♪

♪ Lovin' you ♪

♪ In English Lit ♪

♪ I'm in the top 10 ♪

♪ I got a B-plus
Average again ♪

♪ Tahiti sounds the greatest ♪

♪ Of all the crazy places
That you've been ♪

♪ Wait till you hear
The latest ♪

♪ I think I've got
A whisker on my chin ♪

♪ I find it's getting
Harder to cram ♪

♪ I flunked my Latin
Grammar exam ♪

♪ I'm shaving every morning ♪

♪ And growing like it's
Going out of style ♪

♪ The debs all seem
To go for me ♪

♪ Please tell the Alps
Hello for me ♪

♪ A hug to Uncle Beau for me ♪

Hi, Ito.

- Hi, Agnes, where is she?
- She's upstairs, dear.

Hi, Auntie Mame.

Well, there's
not much I can do.

But I just wanted you
to know that...

whenever you need me,
I'm here.

Thank you, Patrick.

How about lunch?

I have a date,
but why don't you join us?

Oh, no.
No, you run along.

Come on, please,
we'd love to have you.

No, really,
I'll be all right.

Well, listen,
I want you to promise me

that you'll call,
you know, whenever...

Whenever you feel like it.
You promise?

Promise.

Auntie Mame, I love you.

Gloria.

Hello.

How do you do?

Look at yourself.

You look like you just
came from a funeral.

I was destroyed at the news,
absolutely destroyed.

So young, cut down
on the very prime of his life.

And he was so devoted,
so in love, so happy.

Double martini with twist
of lemon and very, very dry.

Very good,
Miss Charles.

Vera.

Mame, darling.

You look awful.

Vera, my old,

old, old friend.

Double Scotch,
please.

Mame, do you forgive me?

Forgive you, dear?
For what?

Oh! I've had regrets.

I tell you, I've lost
many a beauty sleep,

tossing and turning
because I was so cruel to you

that terrible time in New Haven.

You've lost beauty sleep,
Vera?

It hardly shows.

- But you do forgive me?
- Of course.

- Let's drink to old times.
- To old times.

There we are.

Friendship like ours
is very rare.

What is the female equivalent
to Damon and Pythias?

Uh... Daphnis and Chloé.

I think one of them
was a fella.

The wonderful thing is

that you and I can say
anything to each other.

Absolutely anything.

Do you have a quarter
for the john?

♪ We'll always be
Bosom buddies ♪

♪ Friends, sisters and pals ♪

♪ We'll always be
Bosom buddies ♪

♪ If life should reject you
There's me to protect you ♪

♪ If I say that
Your tongue is vicious ♪

♪ If I call you uncouth ♪

♪ It's simply that ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will sit down
And tell you the truth? ♪

Though now and again,
I'm aware that

my candid opinion may sting.

Though often my frank
observation might scald,

I've been meaning
to tell you for years

you should keep your hair
natural like mine.

If I kept my hair natural
like yours, I'd be bald.

♪ But, darling ♪

♪ If I say that your
Sense of style's ♪

♪ As far off as your youth ♪

♪ It's simply that ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will tell you
The whole stinkin' truth? ♪

Each time that
a critic has written,

"Your voice
is the voice of a frog,"

straight to your side
to defend you I rush.

You know that I'm there
every time that the world

makes an unkind remark.

When they say, "Vera Charles
is the w o rld's greatest lush."

♪ It hurts me ♪

♪ I'm thrilled
By the style and wit ♪

♪ Of each jest
That you make ♪

♪ It's bracing to ♪

♪ Trade quips
With my bosom buddy ♪

♪ You Woollcott, you Benchley
You snake ♪

I feel it's my duty
to tell you,

it's time to adjust
to your age.

You try to be Peg O' My Heart
when you're Lady Macbeth.

Exactly how old are you, Vera?

The truth.

How old do you think?

I'd say somewhere between

40 and death.

♪ But sweetie ♪

♪ I'll always be Alice Toklas ♪

♪ If you'll be
Gertrude Stein ♪

♪ And though I'll admit
I've dished you ♪

♪ I've gossiped and gloated
But I'm so devoted ♪

♪ And if I say
That sex and guts ♪

♪ Made you into a star ♪

♪ Remember that ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will tell ya
How rotten you are? ♪

♪ Just turn to your
Bosom buddy ♪

♪ For aid and affection
For help and direction ♪

♪ For loyalty, love
And for sooth ♪

♪ Remember that ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will sit down and level
And give you the devil ♪

♪ Will sit down
And tell you the truth? ♪

Vera, you know,
I think it's amazing

how we've always remained
such good friends.

Especially when you consider
how often we dated the same men.

Mame, I never dated
the same men you did.

How about Carlo,
the sexy Argentine,

the one with all
those shoulders?

Carl... I never dated Carlo.

I married him.
I never dated him.

Excuse me,
but listening to you ladies

makes me all goose-pimply.
You see, I never had one.

Never had one what?

A date with a member
of the opposite...

you-know-what.

Is anything wrong,
Mrs. Burnside?

Agnes, you're coming out.

Where?

Why, Agnes, you have
beautiful eyes.

Keep these glasses
off forever.

But, Ms. Charles, I can't see
anything out of my right eye.

Who can?
Look out of your left.

What do you call
those things you're wearing?

Orthopedic oxfords.

Take 'em off.

Good heavens, Agnes,
you have a bust.

Where you been hiding it
all these years?

Oh!

Agnes, I want you to take
all your clothes off,

do you hear me?
Take 'em all off.

Off!

I don't have a very clear
picture of what's going on.

Here, this'll
calm you down.

Oh, no.

Spirits do the most
terrible things to me.

I'm not the same girl.

Well, what's wrong
with that?

Will it mix with Dr Pepper?

He'll love it.

Come on,
into the tub.

We gotta do something
about her face.

We gotta close
those pores.

Get me a bucket of ice
and 16 egg whites.

And a small chisel.

Agnes, darling.

By tonight, you should be
Queen of the Nile.

Mrs. Burnside, I think I know
what you're suggesting I do.

I just don't think I can do
anything so provocative.

Agnes, stop being so afraid.

Get out there and live. Live!

Live?

Yes. Life is a banquet.

And most poor sons of bitches
are starving to death.

Live!

You know, I think
we are the greatest team

since Romulus and Remus.

I'm sure one of them
was a fellow.

♪ I know that of jokes
And of scandalous gossip ♪

♪ I'm often the butt ♪

♪ And that for your protection
I always can vouch ♪

♪ It hurts me the most
When they try and involve you ♪

♪ In off-color smut ♪

♪ Like the one about you
And the first casting couch ♪

♪ If life should reject you ♪

♪ There's me to protect you ♪

♪ Who else but a bosom buddy ♪

♪ Will sit down and level
And give you the devil ♪

♪ Will sit down
And tell you the... ♪

At my college,
I had this fantastic

psychology class
and a marvelous professor.

And every day is an exciting
adventure. It's so exciting.

I have learned that I can learn
so much from people.

For example,
I had this girlfriend

who really hates her mother.

I mean, she really hates her

and says so.

Now, I don't know a lot
about the Bible, but, uh...

I mean, it's in there.
It is in there, isn't it?

That you must love
your father and mother?

I believe, Gloria,
that the Bible says

you should honor your father
and mother, not love them.

Oh.

Oh.

Hello, Agnes.

Uh...

Well, after all, parents give
their children life.

Of course,
you're not Patrick's mother.

You didn't give him life.

But even with you, he has
an obligation to love you.

Your devotion to your parents
is so refreshing, Gloria.

They must be incredible people.

Oh, they are.

And they are always
asking about you.

They're just dying to meet you.

Well, fine. How about Friday
night, right here, dinner at 8?

We'll all get to know
each other.

Oh, how marvelous.

- You like that?
- Yes.

I would love that.

- Who was that, Ito?
- Agnes.

Agnes. Where is she?

In the kitchen,
afraid to come in.

Um, would you excuse me
for a moment?

Of course.

Where's she been?

I don't know.

I've only had one postcard
from her in six months,

and that was from
the Shangri-La Motel

in East Stroudsburg,
Pennsylvania.

Agnes?

My God,
Agnes, what happened?

I opened a new window.

I wanted you
to be the first to know.

Oh, uh,
Auntie Mame,

I think we really should be
running along.

Oh?

Thank you so much
for the scrumptious lunch.

- My pleasure.
- I think I'll say hello to Agnes.

Hi, Agnes, what's new?

She just adored
being a mother.

But once the pups
got their teeth,

she refused to nurse them.

Hm.

Agnes looks well,
don't you think?

You know, I was thinking,

uh, maybe it would be better
if you came up to Connecticut

to meet Gloria's parents.

I promise you it'll be fun here.

Well, I-I'll be coming down
from college,

and I got the feeling
it would be easier on me

if I didn't have to drive
all the way into the city.

You'll love it,
Mrs. Burnside. Do come.

Well...

Mother will call you
first thing in the morning.

- She'll be very excited.
- Okay. Well, see you.

Thanks.

Bye. So long.

Do you think he noticed?

Agnes, tell me about it.
Tell me exactly what happened.

I'll try.

♪ With my wings
Resolutely spread ♪

♪ Mrs. Burnside ♪

♪ And my old inhibitions shed ♪

♪ Mrs. Burnside ♪

♪ I did each little thing
You said ♪

♪ Mrs. Burnside ♪

♪ I lived ♪

♪ I lived ♪

♪ I lived ♪

♪ I altered the drape
Of a drop ♪

♪ Of my bodice ♪

♪ And softened the shape ♪

♪ Of my brow ♪

♪ I followed directions ♪

♪ And made some connections ♪

♪ But what do I do now ♪

♪ Who'd think this Miss Prim ♪

♪ Would have opened a window ♪

♪ As far as her whim
Would allow ♪

♪ And who would suppose ♪

♪ It was so hard to close it ♪

♪ Oh, what do I do now ♪

♪ I polished and powdered ♪

♪ And puffed myself ♪

♪ If life is a banquet ♪

♪ I stuffed myself ♪

♪ I had my misgivings ♪

♪ But went on a field trip ♪

♪ To find out ♪

♪ What living's about ♪

♪ My thanks for your training ♪

♪ Now, I'm not complaining ♪

♪ But you left something out ♪

♪ Instead of wandering on ♪

♪ With my lone remorse ♪

♪ I have come back home ♪

♪ To complete the course ♪

♪ Oh, what do I do? ♪

♪ Mrs. Burnside ♪

♪ I traveled to hell
In my new veneer ♪

♪ And look what I got ♪

♪ As a souvenir ♪

♪ But still I'll defend you
As guide and instructor ♪

♪ Would I recommend you
And how ♪

♪ Although I was leery ♪

♪ I thrived on your theory ♪

♪ That life can be a wow ♪

♪ I had too much gin ♪

♪ When I found my prince ♪

♪ And have I been nauseous ♪

♪ Ever since ♪

♪ Oh, what ♪

♪ Do ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Do ♪

♪ Now? ♪

Oh, I just don't know
which one you should go in.

- Here, use that one.
- Look, Mother.

- I don't like that.
- Look, here she comes.

Ohhh.

Yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!

You must be Mame.

Shall I call you Mamie?

You must be Doris.
Shall I call you Dorie?

Welcome to Upson Downs.

Pardon?

Upson Downs. Get it?

- "Ups and... "?
- Well, our name is Upson.

Oh, of course. Upson Downs.

Well, that is cunning.
That is cunning.

This is our little
Debbie-boo.

- And that's Peggy-boo.
- Oh, yeah.

Darling, don't get
your Auntie Mamie's dress dirty.

- That's all right.
- Are you my little Debbie-boo?

- Are you Grandma's favorite?
- Oh, what a beautiful place.

- Well, we like it.
- Really love it.

Debbie-boo,
my beautiful girl.

Mame, I want you
to feel right at home.

And I'm going to introduce you
to the rest of my family.

This is my
daughter-in-law, Emily.

How do you do?
We are so excited.

Yes, she's married
to my son, Boyd.

- Love your car.
- Oh, thank you.

- Boyd's in dentistry.
- Oh, is he?

This is my other daughter Midge
and her husband Bunny.

- Hello, Bunny.
- No, he's Bunny. I'm Midge.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, anyway, congratulations.

Yeah.
Yes. Congratulations.

Congratulations?

- Auntie Mame?
- Oh, hi, darling.

Auntie Mame,
Gloria and I are engaged.

Oh, isn't that scrumptious?

Scrumptious.

And isn't
this scrumptious?

Oh, you better not touch.
I'm dripping with oil.

Mamie, aren't we lucky?

Well, I think this calls
for a drink.

What'll you have, Mamie?

Straight Scotch.

And this is where we spend
all our time, Mamie.

It's a sort of
rumpus room.

Dorie, Claude,
I can't begin to tell you

what I think
of your house.

How about
a refill, Mamie?

Love it.

You'd never believe it,
but this part of the house

dates back to before
the American Revolution.

Why, this room was actually
an old slave kitchen.

Oh, there you are,
Bertha.

Bertha, I want you to meet
Mrs. Burnside.

Hello, Bertha.

Bertha is
one in a million.

We don't know what we'd do
without her, do we, Claude?

She's part
of the family.

She's so nice.

Most of them are
getting so snotty these days.

Mame, I made these

especially for you.

Oh, they look delicious.
What are they?

Well, I take two cans
of tuna fish,

run it through the meat grinder,
add a little clam juice

and peanut butter.

Mmm.

That's good, Mother.

Mamie, I've been giving
a lot of thought

about what I'm going
to give

Gloria and Patrick
for a wedding gift.

He's thought of something
so unique.

Don't tell me.
His-and-hers shotguns.

Mamie,
you are so funny.

Yes, seriously.

I hope you don't mind
if we talk a little business.

- Business?
- Yeah. I would like for us

to go into this together, 50-50.

Oh.

I don't know whether you noticed
that vacant lot next door,

but that is one of the choicest
pieces of real estate

left in this whole area.

This is all two-acre zoning.

Yeah, but the important thing
is that this section

is restricted only up to the
end of our property line.

In other words,
anyone could move in

on the other side
of our wishing well.

Like whom?

Anyone.

You know,

the wrong kind of people.

Gotcha.

So we settle the
kiddies in there,

then we protect the neighborhood
at the same time.

What do you say?

I'd like
a little more Scotch.

Oh, Mamie, I have planned
the most beautiful wedding.

I'm already
starting to cry.

So am I.

It's at the Church of the

Heavenly Rest
in East Mountebank.

That's the most
restricted community

in this part
of Connecticut.

I'll get a blood test.

Mamie, you're a card.

Darling.

Oh, so sweet.

I love them
when they're babies.

I wish they'd
stay that little.

Is that Gloria too?

Mm-hmm. That's Gloria.

Looks more like Midge here.

No, no. Midge is
on the next reel.

- Mmm.
- This is all Gloria.

Hold on, here's my favorite.
How old was she here, Mother?

Oh, I don't know.
About six months, I think.

Yes, six months.
I remember that dress.

I looked awful, Mom.
This is silly.

Look, be quiet, Glory,
we're all enjoying it.

You were beautiful.

Well, that was such fun. Such
fun. I really must be going.

- Oh, no.
- Don't go, Mamie.

Hey, Boyd, you got that reel
where she falls off the bicycle?

I'm sure you're gonna get
a big kick out of this.

I'm sure I would, Claude,
I'm sure I would,

but I really must be going.

Oh, but I feel we're just
beginning to get acquainted.

Well, next time,
it'll be at my place.

Now, nothing elaborate.

Just a very informal evening.

Oh, we would
just love that.

I'm perfectly capable
of walking to my car by myself.

I didn't say you weren't.

Or did you think I'd tied
on such a load

that I might fall on my face
in the driveway?

I only wanted to tell you

how much I appreciated
your coming up here.

Oh, it was
no imposition at all.

I can go to Fire Island
anytime.

Of course,
it would have been nice

if I'd known about
your engagement beforehand.

Well, all I wanted to do

was to have you make a good
impression on Gloria's family.

Well, how'd I do?

Well, fortunately, they really
seem to like you a lot.

Well, that just makes
my summer.

Oh, now, look, Auntie Mame,
let's get this straight.

Now I know how you feel
about Gloria...

and the Upsons.

You're about as subtle
as a pile driver.

But I wanna marry Gloria,
and I intend to.

Even if she's
wrong for you?

Well, that's for me
t o decide.

Look, you know why I didn't
tell you we were engaged?

It was because I was afraid
that you would come up here

dressed as a farm hand or
the queen of Sheba or something,

and ruin the whole thing.

Are you trying to tell me

that I have ever given you
reason to be ashamed of me?

You and your crazy friends.

My friends are not crazy.

My friends are colorful.

They're not like
the crashing bigoted bores

that you've been
hanging around with.

Now, look, the Upsons are nice,
normal, ordinary human beings.

And they don't have to know
all those things

that you think everybody
should have to know.

And should they know
that I think

you have turned into one
of the most beastly,

babbitty little snobs
on the Eastern Seaboard?

Or will you be able
to make that quite clear

without any help from me?

Forget it.

Forget you ever knew the Upsons.

Forget you ever knew me.

Patrick.

♪ Where's that boy
With the bugle? ♪

♪ My little love ♪

♪ Who was always ♪

♪ My big romance ♪

♪ Where's that boy
With the bugle? ♪

♪ And why did I ever buy him ♪

♪ Those damn long pants ♪

♪ Did he need
A stronger hand? ♪

♪ Did he need
A lighter touch? ♪

♪ Was I soft
Or was I tough? ♪

♪ Did I give enough? ♪

♪ Did I give too much? ♪

♪ At the moment
That he needed me ♪

♪ Did I ever turn away? ♪

♪ Would I be there
When he called ♪

♪ If he walked into my life ♪

♪ Today? ♪

♪ Were his days
A little dull? ♪

♪ Were his nights
A little wild? ♪

♪ Did I overstate my plan? ♪

♪ Did I stress the man
And forget the child? ♪

♪ And there must have been
A million things ♪

♪ That my heart
Forgot to say ♪

♪ Would I think
Of one or two ♪

♪ If he walked
Into my life today? ♪

♪ Should I blame
The times I pampered him ♪

♪ Or blame the times
I bossed him? ♪

♪ What a shame ♪

♪ I never really found the boy
Before I lost him ♪

♪ Were the years
A little fast? ♪

♪ Was his world
A little free? ♪

♪ Was there too much
Of a crowd ♪

♪ All too lush and loud ♪

♪ And not enough of me? ♪

♪ Though I'll ask myself
My whole life long ♪

♪ What went wrong
Along the way ♪

♪ Would I make
The same mistakes ♪

♪ If he walked
Into my life today? ♪

♪ If that boy with the bugle ♪

♪ Walked into my life ♪

♪ Today ♪

Oh! Good evening, sir.

Evening.

- You're new here.
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

- What's your name?
- Pegeen, sir.

- I'm Patrick.
- I know.

She spent hours showing me
photographs of you growing up.

I especially enjoyed
you at the zoo

with the giraffes eating
peanuts off your head.

Oh! Mind the steps.

The bottom one's
the lowest.

Pardon?

Sorry.

That's what me
grandmother used to say.

Oh, did she now?

She had a saying for just about
everything, that one did.

Ah, Mr. Patrick,
congratulations.

Thanks, Ito.

I promise you,
I won't use

one teensy-weensy "son of
a bitch" all evening, okay?

You look so terrific,
no one would notice anyway.

Mrs. Burnside,

would you like me to help
with the party tonight?

Hi, Patrick!

What is Agnes
doing here?

Well, where else could she
go in her friendless condition?

Nobody else wanted me.

I'm very grateful to
have someone to look after

now that I'm losing you.

You're not losing me.

I wish I had somebody
to look after.

You will, dear.
You will.

I'll get it.

- No, wait!
- I don't mind.

No, I want you to go to
your room and stay there.

And don't forget to take
your calcium pill.

I'm not loved!

Oh, you're loved,
Agnes.

My God,
have you been loved.

Dorie, darling.
Claude.

How I've looked
forward to this.

- Hello, Mamie.
- Hi, Mamie.

- Hi, darling.
- Oh, isn't this lovely?

Mrs. Burnside,
I can't tell you

how happy I am
to see you again.

Thank you.

Glory, you look
scrumptious.

You too, Mamie.

That's a sweet little dress.

Thank you.

Please, make yourselves
comfortable.

- Shall we have a drink?
- I could sure as hell use one.

Something wrong, Claude?

- The property's been sold.
- Kids' wedding present.

Some smart Jew lawyer outbid us
and grabbed it for his client.

Ohhh.

Well, now, I hope it doesn't
spoil your evening.

Oh, I insist you try
some of these.

Oh, they look delicious.

- What is it?
- Baked monkey.

Oh. No, thank you.

Ooh, how...?
How can you eat that?

Been eating it
all my life.

- ♪ It's a time for ♪
- MEN: ♪ It's a time for ♪

- ♪ Making merry ♪
- ♪ Making merry ♪

- ♪ And so I'm for ♪
- ♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Makin' hay ♪

♪ Tune the grand up ♪

These are some friends
I asked over.

And I think you're
going to love them.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

- ♪ It's today ♪
- ♪ Tune the grand up ♪

♪ Strike the band up ♪

♪ Pull the stops out ♪

♪ It's today ♪

Mame, darling.

Claude, that's the famous
stage star what's-her-name.

I'd like you to meet my dearest
friend, Vera Charles.

Vera, the Upsons.

Oh, Miss Charles!

I've simply
got to tell you

how I adored you
in "Reflected Glory."

Did you, dear?

That was
Tallulah Bankhead.

Vera's only
a baritone.

Oh.

Could you be persuaded
to have a drink, dear?

Well, maybe just
a tiny triple.

Ah.

Glory be,
I'm so sorry, madam.

Oh, what a mess.

Here, let me help
you with that.

Oh, no sir. You mustn't
soil your fine suit.

I'd like to propose a toast

to this lovely young couple
as they face life together.

Oh, uh...

Uh, no, Auntie Vera.
This isn't Gloria.

This is Gloria.

Pity.

Well, what the hell,
let's have a toast anyway.

What do you say,
Mrs. Upjohn?

Is that a member
of the family?

Agnes.

I thought you were going to
stay in your room.

But you told me to
take my calcium pills.

They're in
the kitchen.

Ito, get her
calcium pills.

Come here, dear.
Come on.

Dorie, Claude, this is Agnes,
Patrick's nanny.

Une petite enceinte.

Now, now, dear.

We know all about these
women things, don't we?

You just come
right over here

and sit down beside me.

What's your name, dear?

Gooch.

♪ Open a new window
Open a new door ♪

♪ Travel a new highway
That's never been tried before ♪

♪ Before you find you're
A dull fellow ♪

♪ Punching the same clock ♪

Now, tell me, dear,
what does Mr. Gooch do?

Oh, my father
passed on.

Oh, no, no.
I mean your husband.

I'm a bachelor girl.

My baby's gonna
be a little bas...

♪ Whenever they say you're
Slightly unconventional ♪

♪ Just put your thumb
Up to your nose ♪

♪ And show them how to
Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Whistle a new song ♪

♪ Toast with a new vintage ♪

♪ The fizz doesn't
Fizz too long ♪

♪ There's only one way
To make the bubbles stay ♪

♪ Simply travel
A new highway ♪

♪ Dance to a new rhythm ♪

♪ Open a new window
Every day ♪

Welcome, welcome!

Come on in, girls. Come on,
make yourselves at home.

You see, Agnes darling?
You're not alone.

Every year there are
hundreds of girls,

just like Agnes, who find
themselves expecting

and have no one
to turn to.

Mame,
how theatrical of you.

All of these fallen angels
finding a haven

right here
in Beekman Place.

Oh, no, dear.
No, no.

This is much too big
for Beekman Place.

I bought some
property up in Mountebank.

Wha-wha-wha...?
What did you say?

What's that
about Mountebank?

Claude, Dorie,

I'm the one who bought
the lot next door to you.

I'm going to build
the Beauregard Burnside

Memorial Home
for Single Mothers.

Oh, won't it be wonderful,
all these girls romping on

the other side of
your wishing well?

Claude,
take me home.

I thought you were one of us.

I should have known better.

Glory.

Look! My aunt didn't
mean to offend anybody.

It's just that
she's so big-hearted

that naturally
when somebody's in trouble,

she just naturally has
to come to the rescue.

- Gloria.
- Let go of me.

Glory.

Peter.

Bow to your
mother and father,

just like your
Auntie Mame taught you.

That's very good, Peter.

Indeed it is.

Well, Auntie Mame,
you're off again.

In Russian, that means, "Our
sleigh is waiting at the gate."

Of course, my sleigh is
waiting at La Guardia.

And Ito's gone on ahead
with my trunks.

So would you be darlings
and give me a lift?

Of course.

I would love to
have you see me off.

Oh, Peter and I had
a divine weekend.

And we came up with
the most beautiful idea.

No.

Oh, can't I go
with Auntie Mame?

Can't I, Mom?
Please, please?

No, darling,
I'm afraid not.

But the boy is deprived.

He's never even seen Siberia.

Auntie Mame, we said no,
and that's final.

Peter, when you have
a little boy

and he wants to take
a trip with Auntie Mame,

I hope you won't be as
antediluvian as your father.

What's "antediluvian,"
Auntie Mame?

Look, darling,
here's a pad and pencil.

I want you to
always write down

every word
you don't understand.

You know,
I am terribly upset.

What?

We spent the entire day
at Abercrombie's.

Thanks, Auntie Mame, but it's
just out of the question.

Absolutely.

You know what the trouble
with you two is?

You don't live.

Life's a banquet,

and most poor sons of bitches
are starving to death.

One thing you've
got to understand:

School begins
day after Labor Day.

He's gotta
be back by then.

Of course, Labor Day.

Sometime in November,
isn't it?

Oh, Peter,
I'm going to show you things

you never dreamed existed.

♪ Open a new window ♪

♪ Open a new door ♪

♪ Travel a new highway ♪

♪ That's never
Been tried before ♪

She hasn't changed.

She's the Pied Piper.

♪ You came, you saw
You conquered ♪

♪ And absolutely nothing
Is the same ♪

♪ Your special fascination'll ♪

♪ Prove to be inspirational ♪

♪ We think you're
Just sensational ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪

♪ Mame ♪