Mama's Boy: A Story from Our Americas (2022) - full transcript

(audience applauding)

Steve Martin:
And the Oscar goes to...

Dustin Lance Black for "Milk."

(audience cheering)

I wanna, I wanna thank my mom,

uh, who has always loved me

for who I am even when
there was pressure not to.

But most of all,

if Harvey had not been taken
from us 30 years ago,

I think he'd want me to say

to all of the gay and lesbian
kids out there tonight



who have been told
that they are less than

by their churches,
or by the government,

or by their families
that you are beautiful,

wonderful creatures of value.

And that, no matter
what anyone tells you,

God does love you

and that very soon,
I promise you,

you will have equal rights,
federally,

across this great
nation of ours.

(applause, cheering)

Thank you. Thank you.

And thank you, God,
for giving us Harvey Milk.

The day after the Oscars,

I was sitting with my mom
in our living room



and I remember
she just started to ask
what's gonna happen now.

And I, I said,
"Well, you know, I'm not sure."

And she said, "Mm... really?

"Because you made
a pretty big promise

up on that Academy Awards
stage last night."

I said, "That's true. I did."

And my mom said,
"I raised you to know

"that a promise
is a sacred thing.

So, what are you gonna do?"

(light music playing)

♪ ♪

My mom was born
on February 28, 1948.

And she was the seventh

of what would eventually
be nine children to Cokie.

And then, Cokie,
my grandmother,

she came from very
difficult circumstances.

She became an orphan

and ended up having
to go work for a relative

and that relative treated her
more like a servant.

And she met a young man

who was in his teens
named Victor.

They got married
and they start having children.

They start building a family,

living in, like,
Providence, Louisiana,

which then,
and still even today,

is considered the poorest city

in the United States of America

with the added honor of having
the largest income disparity

because it was deeply racist.

Deborah Westfall:
Lake Providence was

my main introduction
to segregation.

I remember, you know,
"whites only" signs.

And there was a separate
entrance to the movie theater.

Everything was
very, very segregated.

But yet, my family
worked on a farm

and they worked alongside
Black and white.

Dustin Lance Black:
And Cokie and Victor,
because they were so young,

and uneducated, and broke,

they lived in what was called
a paper brick home.

I mean, it was a shack.

And that's what
my mom was born into.

Nannette Radovich:
We lived in a small house

with a porch and maybe,
I don't know, two bedrooms?

It was very, very poor.

Lynn Mosley:
The more children you had,

the more money you could make
hoein' and pickin' cotton.

They'd tell me stories about

when she was ready
to have a baby,

they took all the kids out to

a little farm shack
and, you know,

they wasn't allowed
to come in the house

till after the baby was born.

Dustin:
Her full name on her
birth certificate was Roseanna

and this name would undergo
so many transitions

throughout my mom's life.

It would eventually become,
to some, Rose,

which my mom didn't like.

As she grew older,
it would become Anna.

And it would eventually,
when she became an adult,

she said, "I'm Anne

and you'll have
to deal with me."

Reporter:
This is 1949's war
against infantile paralysis

as seen
in Little Rock, Arkansas.

This year,
the enemy, poliomyelitis

struck with such
impact and fury

that it shook
the entire nation.

There has been
no escape, no immunity.

Dustin:
Polio was this new epidemic

starting in the early
20th century

and it would come in waves.

And these waves
would create terror

because it really
lived in water,

pools of water, dark water.

And who plays in that water,
who drinks that water?

The children.

It was hitting children
incredibly hard.

You would get a certain
percentage of people

who would get quite ill

and then you
would get that 1%

who it would start to eat away

at their neuromuscular system

to the point that they
would lose the ability
to move their limbs

and eventually,
to even breathe.

And there was
no treatment, no cure.

And my mother
was one of the first signs

that there was another wave
of this epidemic

that was going
to attack the South.

Don Whitehead:
The only thing that
I really remember

about the day
that Anne got polio,

she was lying on the couch
that evening

and I was sitting
on one end of the couch.

And then she started
complaining about my movement

causin' her some discomfort.

And I thought that she
was just bein' ornery.

But my mom made me
get off the couch.

And that was it.

Next day, she was just gone

and I did not know
where she had gone.

Dustin:
When Don was sent to bed,

Anne kept complaining
about the pain

and the discomfort
and eventually,

she was starting to lose
the ability to move her toes.

Cokie grabbed her up
and found a neighbor

who actually had a vehicle

and they had to drive
as fast as they could

to the nearest hospital
and that was

in Vicksburg, Mississippi.

And when they went
into that hospital,

those nurses and doctors
immediately saw what this was.

Reporter:
To what figure, this,

the worst polio
epidemic in history

will take us, we do not know.

Dustin:
My mom was in that hospital
in Vicksburg for years

because it's not like
all the symptoms
just came on at once.

You would degrade
and you would continue
to degrade.

And the doctors would
do what they could,

which was very little,
to try and stop it

from getting worse.

And then something
miraculous happened.

Reporter:
Once the public health service

authorizes its release,

the polio vaccine can begin

to protect American youngsters.

Dale Morgan:
As soon as we was old enough,

we had our polio vaccinations.

At the time,
that was one of the big things.

It was almost
like the coronavirus.

Dustin:
My mom always joked
that Jonas Salk,

if he had just worked
a little harder
and a little quicker,

that vaccine would've been
available for her,

but that vaccine came a couple
of years too late for my mom.

It was on the horizon,
but it wasn't there yet.

By the time the disease
had stopped eating away
at her body,

my mom would be
immobilized,

permanently,
from the chest down.

But, as she grew older,
she realized,

"Oh, I've got this
beautiful golden hair

and these blue eyes."

She had been
a March of Dimes girl

on the posters and all that.

And so, she really started
to learn how to flirt.

She used her eyes

and she did this her whole life.

And she would just draw you in.

And so, she became
the star of the ward.

A lot of the other kids
were happy just to be able

to get in a wheelchair again

and my mom was like,
"Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wanna be upright."

So she started
practicing on crutches.

And my mother,
we had one thing in common,

we had a scar that ran
across our chin.

And I have it here
from a bike wreck.

My mom had it
from constantly falling.

Falling, falling, falling

and they'd stitch it
back together,

say, "Come on,
just get in a wheelchair."

And my mom said,
"I don't need a wheelchair,

thank you very much."

Which was my mom's way
of saying, "Fuck you."

Nannette:
She was home some.

I mean, mostly at holidays
she was home.

So, I remember sitting
on the sofa with her.

I remember my mother
massaging her

because they would put her
on the dining room table

and massage her legs
because they thought
that might help.

But it didn't really help.

She always seemed like
she was very strong

and she would want
to do anything

that she could do herself.

Dale:
The things I always
remember about Roseann

was when we would
go there to visit

and her comin' out there
on them crutches

with her polio.

And I would
just feel sorry for her.

But she always had
a smile on her face.

She did not let
her handicap stop her.

Dustin:
And in a way, she had
started to defy the odds.

She was getting stronger.
She was falling less.

And I think she was starting
to feel a sense of hope.

But one of the things
that had begun

happening to my mom

was her spine had started
to bend and twist.

It was starting to look
like a very severe S

and she needed surgery

where they inserted steel
rods along your spine.

And I remember her saying how
she didn't know it was coming

and she was wheeled
into that surgery room.

And they put in these
metal rods into her back.

And she just started
to bleed out.

They were able
to sew her back up

but she wasn't waking up.

My mom went into a coma.

She said there was a nurse
on that ward named Willie

and Willie was
a older Black gentleman

who had a bird that he took

into the children's
ward with him.

The bird swore in Creole.

And when Willie saw her
lying there in the hospital
in a coma,

it broke his heart.

So he sat with her
and all she remembered

was hearing the voice
of that bird cursing.

And she woke up.

At this point, it was clear

the time had come for her
to be able to go home.

From 2 years old
to 15 years old,

after all of those years
in children's hospitals,

now she was going
home for good.

In a attempt to set
the expectations,

a nurse sat down with my mom.

She said, "These are the things

"you will be able to do
and won't be able to do.

"You don't need an education.
You don't need a husband.

"And you cannot have children.

"That is incredibly dangerous.
You will die.

"Forget that stuff.

"What's gonna work for you

"is that the government
will help support you.

"Go home.

"Collect the check.

And learn to accept this."

But I imagine she just looked
her right in the eye and said,

"Thank you very much."

So, my mom,
with this checklist in mind,

starts to try and prove
that nurse wrong.

I mean, one of the most
striking moments

is when she sewed
her own prom dress.

She was determined to go

and didn't care
that no one had asked her.

Sewed a beautiful
light blue dress,

tightened the corset,
expanded the bottom
of the dress

so that she looked
just like everybody else.

She also, in school,
started to excel

academically, very quickly.

And in fact, there's a letter
I find really moving

that she wrote to her father,

who she was
completely estranged from,

saying, "Dad, guess what?

"I got into college
with a scholarship.

Not because of my disability,
because of my grades."

And she went
to university in Louisiana

and she started
to study medicine.

My mom wanted to be a doctor.

(cheery music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

When she was in college,

she would flirt
with boys in person,

but one of the things
she figured out was

Vietnam was goin' on.

And so, she would
do her hair perfectly,

she would get
the little picture and
she would write notes

to the soldiers in Vietnam,

put her picture in.

And she would get letters back.

Deborah: In college,
she had been serious

about a man
whose first name was Don.

And his picture was
on the head of the bed

and she was writing him letters
and puttin' perfume on 'em.

She had
the big rollers in her hair

and she had makeup
and I just,

I just idolized her.

Dustin:
When he came back from Vietnam,

Don met my mom

and he loved her
and accepted her.

But Don's mom pulled
her son aside and said,

"This young woman,
as dazzling as she may be,

"will never be able
to give you the family

that you've
always wanted."

And Don ended it.

His mother

had convinced him that she
could not give him children

because of her polio.

And she was
absolutely heartbroken.

Dustin:
And I can almost
tell you the day

because my mom's grades
go from A's and B's

to some C's and D's and F's.

For my mom, being able
to get married and have kids

was the most impossible dream.

And then... knock on the door

and two of the most
gloriously put-together boys

you've ever seen in your life,

"Hello, ma'am, we are here

from the Church
of Latter-day Saints."

Two Mormon missionaries
and they preached to my mom,

"Ma'am, we'd like to tell you
that one of the promises

"that our heavenly father
has made is that when you
go to heaven,

"your body will be
made perfect again.

And family is
forever and eternal."

This was the ultimate
dream for my mom.

And they brought her to church

and they introduced her
to another missionary.

And his name was Raul Garrison.

Deborah:
I remember her
bringing Raul here

to introduce him to my parents,
Josie and James Mosley

because my mother
was worried about it

'cause this was
her baby sister.

And my dad
immediately hated him.

Hated him.
Because he saw through it.

The Vietnam War was going on.

And Raul had been
on his mission

for the Mormon church
for two years

and when that ended,
he was going to be drafted.

Oh, but if he married
a handicapped woman,

he could avoid the war.

And my dad saw that

and just immediately thought
he was taking advantage of her.

Because here was someone
who was determined,

since she was a little girl,
to be a doctor

because of everything
she'd been through with polio.

And then, all of a sudden,
everything is about Raul.

She's dropped outta college
after three years.

She just gave up her career
of being a doctor to be married

and to have children.

My mom heard all
of her siblings' concerns,

but my mom wanted love.

My mom wanted children.

My mom wanted this
promise of Mormonism,

this brand-new shiny religion.

And so, when she married
Raul in Garrison,

most of the siblings
didn't come.

But my mom still plowed ahead.

And the next day, they packed up
and they left the South

and ventured out to California,
an entire new world,

with a man who she loved,

but most of her family
did not trust.

(light music playing)

Now they're in Sacramento,

Raul was struggling
to pay the bills.

Holding onto a job
or getting a good-paying job
was tough.

But that wasn't my mom's focus.

She gave up getting a doctorate
to have this family.

She wanted children badly.

That was one of the things she
was told she would never have.

She was suddenly Mormon.

The expectation is
you have lots of children.

She was supposed
to have none, medically.

And she gets pregnant.

And on April 2, 1970,

my mother gave birth
to Marcus Raul Garrison.

And I can just see
in all the pictures

how incredibly happy she was.

Because she now had a child

and survived
the cesarean section

'cause God knows
she couldn't push.

But I think, with my mom,
it was never quite enough.
She wanted more.

I think she wanted
more for herself.

She wanted more
because she was a Mormon now

and you were supposed to.

So she tries again.

But she had a cold
when she went into the hospital

for the planned
cesarean section
in June of 1974.

And they put her under
and her respiration stopped.

Her heartbeat became irregular.
She was dying.

The miracle of that

would end up being that they
would be able to revive her

and deliver this.

And she says,
"You just opened your eyes

"and you made eye contact
with me immediately.

"And I just knew

you were gonna teach me
so many things."

My mom always wanted
to call me Lance,

but Raul wanted
to call me Dustin.

And so, because in Mormonism,
patriarchy rules,

my mom knew she had
to call me Dustin.

So, Dustin Lance Garrison.

But when he would
leave for work,

or on these work trips
'cause he was always away,

she would call me her lancer.

So, at home, I was always Lance

and at school,
and out in the world,
I was Dustin.

And so, I've had that split
identity my entire life.

But the truth was, I was
so incredibly shy as a child,

that meant I didn't
make any friends.

So my mom was
my best and only friend.

She was my lifeline.

And of course,
she doesn't give up.

She's going to build
this big family

and so, she gets
pregnant a third time.

And this time, in 1978,

she gives birth
to Todd Garrison.

Todd Black:
I was born in Sacramento,
March 4, 1978.

From a very early start,
my mom, she was a force.

I just always remember
she was...

(sighs)

ah... she was
a very powerful woman,

but she was very loving

and I never really noticed
she wasn't the same.

But there were moments
where people would stare
at her.

And I think we all had
the same reaction of like,
"What are you looking at?"

She was just proud all the time
and proud of us.

And I think that gave us
a lot of force for any time
we were knocked down

to be like,
"That's no big deal."

Lynn:
I remember Roseann comin'
when she had the babies

each time,
you know, they'd come.

We'd have a good
family together here

in Texarkana
on the Texas side.

You know, me and Marcus
played together

and Lance played,

and Todd was
just little-bitty Todd.

And I even remember her
just sittin' over there.

She had this beautiful smile,
this beautiful laugh.

I mean, you would have
no idea she had polio.

Donna Whitehead:
I just remember
offering to help her

and she said,
"No, no. I'm, I'm fine."

She was very, uh, clear

that she could
take care of things

and she just impressed me
as a very independent woman

that was very strong.

Dustin:
So now my mom has
these three little boys

and I think she's
incredibly happy about that.

But I don't think Raul was.

I think it was
too much for him.

And he was also
struggling to keep a job.

And so, now he's getting
either fired or laid off.

And Raul gets a new job.

We end up having to pack up
and move out of California

and says, "Let's go, let's go.

This is about survival.
We're movin'."

And we moved here...

to San Antonio, Texas.

And I think
for one brief moment

we felt like
a, a safe little family,

but... that wouldn't last.

One of the things that happened
was that my big brother

had this friend
who lived three doors up.

And he would come over
and, like, usually,
he was beatin' me up.

But I sorta didn't mind
and I didn't know
what that meant.

I sorta looked forward to it.

And then, there was
that moment where I realize,

"Oh, that's 'cause I love him."

And it was very clear,
at six years old,

this wasn't the love
you have for a friend.

This was a whole nother
level of something

and I thought he
was so beautiful.

And I think...

those butterflies... ah!

Lasted, like, five seconds.

Because if you're Mormon,
you know you're going to hell.

And at this time
in Texas, for sure,

you were a criminal,
mentally ill, pariah.

And all the little
butterflies died.

I was six years old, here.

And they would,
on special Sundays,

beam in the prophet
of the Mormon church.

It was Spencer W. Kimball.

Like all the disease
doctrines of the devil,

whether it is an increase
in homosexuality,

corruption, drugs, or abortion,

misery achieves
a ghastly monument.

Dustin: And on this
one special Sunday,

he compared the sin of murder...

to the sin of homosexuality.

So I knew I had
to keep it a secret.

I already knew I was,
you know, against the law.

I already knew what kids
called people like me.

And now,

according to a man I really
respected and admired,

I would be sent
into eternal nothingness.

I was so confused because--

I mean, listen,
they call it sexuality,

but sex had nothing
to do with it at the time.

I had a crush.

And I thought, "Man, this love,

"that feeling that doesn't
seem like it hurts anyone,

that's gonna, that's gonna
be my ultimate demise?"

They were teaching me
about a god

who said loud and clear,
"Your heart has no value.

Your love has no value."

I just think it's worth
asking the question,

"If you rob children
of their heart

"and of their ability to love

"and you threaten that they're
gonna lose their family,

"are you surprised

"that queer kids
kill themselves...

at four times the rate
of their own straight
brothers and sisters?"

I'm not surprised
'cause I felt it.

♪ ♪

Raul was gone all the time.

He was on the road,
traveling salesman.

I mean, my mom has
her theories of what he
was doing on the road.

And it was a bit more

extracurricular, shall we say.

And at one point,
he says to us,

"A visitor from my family
is coming."

And that was really rare.
And her name was Louise.

Aunt Louise
is what he called her.

Aunt Louise was
my father's first cousin.

And they were having an affair.

She caught Raul
and his first cousin

on the couch havin' sex
and his response was,

"Join in. We're gettin'
into the polygamy thing."

Well, that's not what she bought
out of the Mormon religion.

Dustin:
And he would run off
with her and disappear

because in most places

it was not legal to marry
your first cousin,

but he found a state
where he could.

And he knew he had
disavowed himself

from the mainstream
Mormon church.

He would be excommunicated.

And I just remember
going up to my mom

and she said,

"Your, your dad is gone."

And I was like, "Well, where?"

And, you know, "He'll come back.
He always comes back."

"No... Your dad's
not coming back."

He abandoned a paralyzed woman
with three small children.

She'd never had a job.

She'd never driven a car.

And we never, ever
heard from him again.

Deborah:
He never had anything to do
with any of the boys.

He never paid
any child support.

I mean, they couldn't even
find him to get a divorce.

They had to put ads
in the paper and everything.

He never looked back.

Todd:
I never really asked
about our real dad.

And so, he left when I was
so young, he wasn't a factor.

It sounds horrible,
but I never cared.

Just me, and my mom,
and my two older brothers,
and then...

the first stepdad. (inhales)
And that's a whole thing.

Dustin:
My mom was struggling
to make ends meet.

We were in a terrible
financial state

'cause she didn't have a job,

but we never had to collect

any government assistance

because the Mormon church

started slipping envelopes
with money into our mailbox.

We knew where it
was coming from,

but they never expected
acknowledgment.

And that community,
familial kindness,

I have to praise
the Mormon church for.

And we were
seven-day-a-week Mormons,

six days a week at church,

one day at home
for family home evening

on Monday nights
for those lessons.

The church was our everything.

Deborah:
The church helped her
a lot, financially,

before she got
a job or anything.

They do take care of people.

That's what churches
are supposed to do.

My mom had to learn
how to drive,

which thank God
for cousin Debbie

comin' down and helpin' her
install hand controls

on that massive Malibu Classic

and scaring the living crap
out of us trying to learn.

Deborah:
Here I am workin'
to get her a job,

to get her some wheels.

You know, we're gonna
get independent.

So, we typed up her SF 171
and she was hired

as a entry-level
GS five lab tech

at Fort Sam Houston.

But the good Mormon church,
as part of their policy,

she was a woman
and she had to be taken care of.

Dustin:
My mom had been abandoned
by a Mormon husband,

so the church has gotta
fix her up with somebody.

Who's gonna marry this woman?

Oh, I know, the Boy Scout master

of Troop 624
of the Windsor Ward.

He was an Air Force
and Staff Sergeant.

His name was Merrill D. Black.

And I have this picture
of getting on top
of his shoulders

and he helped us put
the star on top of the tree.

And I thought, "Okay,

we'll take all the help
we can get."

Deborah: She didn't really,
like, meet Merrill

and fall in love.

It was set up by the church.

He's divorced.
He had some kids.

She's divorced.
She had some kids.

He's going to support her.

Like my mom,
he also had been divorced.

He had two children of his own,

but we never really heard
from them, never saw them.

So, something was weird.

And they go and get married.

And I immediately
say to my mom,

"I want his last name.

I do not
want to be a Garrison."

And so, the paperwork came
in the mail and it says,

"Dustin Lance Garrison
is now officially adopted

"by Merrill Durant Black.

His name is now
Dustin Lance Black."

I was so happy.

What I didn't know yet was
that would be the best thing

this man ever provided.

What I would
find out really soon

is that he had a real problem
with his temper.

It was like, "Oh my gosh,
you know, we have this--

When they got married,
we have this father."

And then it just... (snaps)

I just remember
the, the switch flipping
pretty quickly to him being,

"We have a father
and he's a monster."

Dustin:
One day my room
just wasn't clean enough

for an Air Force
Staff Sergeant.

And with his full might,

he punches me
square in the face.

And I landed
on my back on the floor.

My nose is bleeding
and it's all so blurry.

I just remember my mom
charging in the door

on braces and crutches
and she comes up

to this six-foot-four man,
and says,

"You will not lay a hand
on my son again
or I will kill you."

And he... cowered,
and shook and cried.

Promised to get help.

But that was not
the last time he hit me.

Because I was told,
"We can't go to the police.

We have to go
to the Mormon church."

They didn't want
you calling the police.

They wanted you
to call the bishop.

And I would find out later

how many times
he hit my mother.

And the Mormon church,
the entire time is saying,

"The responsibility of the wife
is to create an atmosphere

that suits
your priesthood holder,"

which is the name
for the father in that house.

"And if, if he's having
to resort to this sort
of violence,

there's something
in the home that's not right
for your priesthood holder."

They put the responsibility
on my mom.

And the problem was,
there was nothing
my mom could do

to make that home suitable
for a man like that.

It just kept going.

Well... knowin' Roseann,
she hid it very well.

She might've told my mother.
I don't know.

For sure my daddy
didn't know, uh.

If Daddy would've known,
he'd have done the same thing
I'd have done.

We'd have... we'd have
been in trouble 'cause,

personally, I'd have beat
the hell out of him.

I mean, it wouldn't stop him
'cause that's,

you know, probably what
he's gonna do anyway.

But it's, it's just not right.

(ambient nature sounds)

Todd:
You know I think
about this park a lot.

-Dustin: Do you?
-Todd: A lot.

Dustin: What does it mean to yo?

Todd: It was, like, us time.

We'd get away from...

all of that
that was going on.

It felt like an adventure
coming out here.

-Dustin: I know.
-Right?

This was the area.
This is where we would come.

-Yeah.
-And it was, like,

in the spring...

it was just jam-full
of tadpoles.

You remember? And those
tiny, little minnowy things.

But, like,
I guess it was free fun.

-It was.
-Like, other kids
got Disneyland,

we got a bucket
full of tadpoles.

And it was like,
sort of like heaven.

Marcus would go
to the drainage ditches

and sit under the underpasses

-and smoke whatever.
-Mm-hm.

And I would take you down here

'cause you were
my responsibility.

And this was, like,
the best place to keep
you away from home.

I loved it out here.

And then that one day,
when we got home--

I don't know if you
even remember it.

We've never really
talked about it.

-But that day, we got home.
-Never.

I put the bucket down.

That was the day I went inside
and saw Merrill try to kill Mom.

(screaming)

I hear the screaming coming
from where the kitchen is

and then I see my mom running

as only you can
on braces and crutches,

like a pendulum
moving as fast as she can

screaming... for help.

And then... after her is
Merrill Black holding a knife,

a kitchen knife.

Going after her
with that silent,

terrifying look in his eye.

I took in the image
and I froze.

And the back
sliding glass door
flies open...

and Marcus, my big brother,
comes charging in

with an aluminum baseball bat,

goes straight after Merrill

and all I hear is
bing, bing, bing.

But Merrill ducked
into the bathroom
to escape the blows

and locked himself inside.

Marcus hadn't been
around a whole lot,

but he showed up
at the most important moment.

My mom would've died that day.

I'm sure I would've been next.

My big brother saved my life.

What we would
eventually find out

that the Mormon church
failed to tell my mom,

and of course,
he wasn't gonna divulge,

is that Merrill tried
to kill his first wife

and I guess the Mormon church

didn't feel like it was
a woman's business to know that.

And so, Marcus and I,

we took matters
into our own hands.

He said, "I got a plan.

"When everybody's asleep,

you're coming with me
into the garage."

And Merrill drove this
horrible avocado green Gremlin,

which was, like,
a car at the time.

And the, the Gremlin
was right here.

So, Marcus came out here
and he had, like, a toolbox,

so it was, like,
right along here

and he just grabbed
wire snippers

and he crawled under here
and all I heard was, "dink."

And he, and he crawled out
and in that Marcus way,

"Dude, it's done, all right?
Just go. Sneak back in.

Don't get caught.
Dude, let's go."

He had just cut the brake line.

The next day,
Merrill goes off to work...

but then he comes home.

Gremlin's fine.

We, I think, cut
the windshield wiper fluid,
not the brake fluid.

And Marcus and I
are sitting there like,
"We're dead."

Because Merrill
had this look in his eye.

He was so upset,
so clearly, he knew.

He was just waiting
for the moment to kill us.

But it turns out
he had had a meeting

with his supervisor that day

who instead of giving him
the raise he had hoped for

was sending him
to South Korea for six months.

Oh, it was the best.
He's leaving.

He's leaving.
The monster is leaving.

(laughs)

And I don't think
we had been more happy

then at any time
that he had been there.

Deborah:
When Merrill was sent to Korea,

she confided in me then
about what was goin' on.

We didn't know,
until after it had happened,

how violent this man was.

And she took steps
to actually divorce him
while he was gone

and get him out of her life.

I also remember bein' down there

when she told me about this
handsome guy in the Army

who was gonna take her
on a motorcycle ride.

Jeff Bisch:
I met Roseanna
in January of 1986.

I had just been reassigned

to Brooke Army Medical Center
at Fort Sam.

I was involved
in special forces training.

I had a parachuting accident,

so they reassigned me back
to hospital division.

And that's what brought
me to San Antonio.

And I oddly enough,
first noticed Anne as I was
walking into the building.

I saw this woman
pull up in a car.

Blonde hair, lookin' beautiful.

And I just went
about my business.

I went in and met
with the, uh, senior NCOs.

Had an interview.

They said,
"Okay, we're gon' put you

in a microbiology section."

And as they were introducing
me to the staff,

I come around the corner

and who's there
but the beautiful woman
in the car.

She was assigned as my mentor
when I started working there.

We just seemed to hit it off
and just kind of get along

and I don't think
either one of us

was looking for a relationship.

It's somethin'
that just gradually happened.

Yes, there was
an age difference.

There was (chuckles) 16 years.

But for us, it never
was an issue at all.

We had similar
interests in music,

a similar interest in movies.

And we both loved
the beach, ocean, um.

We just seemed to gel
so well together.

Deborah:
Jeff Bisch came and got her

and took her
on a motorcycle ride.

That's the Roseann I know,
the daredevil.

Roseanna was back...

and she was in love.

Jeff:
We did keep our affair quiet
from the people at work.

And initially, she wanted
to keep this from her children

until she felt like
now is a good time.

And she asked me to come over
to the house and meet the boys.

Todd:
The first time Jeff
walked in the house,

there was a light in her eyes
and we were like,

"It's gonna be okay, isn't it?

Everything's gonna be okay."

(cries) He saved us.
He literally saved us.

And I had no clue at the time,

(laughs, sniffles)
like, how bad we needed it.

Dustin:
My mom had to call Merrill
overseas and say,

"Listen, I, I want a divorce."

And I guess he
could've made it messy,

but she was well-armed.

I mean, at this point,
my mom was becoming

disenchanted
with the Mormon church.

We'd stopped going
when she met Jeff

'cause now,
she met a real man

who, yeah,
was macho and tough,

but he was gentle and loving.

Jeff:
Soon after she got divorced,

the Army transferred me out
to Fort Ord, California.

That was a very hard thing
for me to ask.

"Roseanna, are you sure you
want to go across the country,

taking the boys out of school,
away from their friends?"

And surprisingly enough...

the boys all viewed this
as a chance to start over.

Todd:
The divorce with Merrill
and leaving San Antonio,

it was a clean slate

and we're moving forward

and it was always
about moving forward

and looking at the future.

Jeff: We got married
in the basement of City Hall

in San Antonio
by the justice of the peace.

It was just Roseanna, myself,
and her best friend.

I was a little bit
afraid for her

because she met this guy
that was quite a bit younger

and I was afraid
because of the past
two relationships.

But she was
determined to do this.

Dustin:
Jeff packed up and moved

to Salinas, California,
before we left

so that he could try
and find a place to live
and get situated.

So, we were
behind him by a week.

And we drove
in the Malibu Classic
from San Antonio

through New Mexico into Arizona

and in Los Angeles,
you gotta kinda take a turn
north to get to Salinas

and, and we screwed it up.

We got lost in Los Angeles.

My mom is up front
workin' the hand controls

and my big brother, Marcus,
has a map spread out

and he's trying to help us
find our way out of LA.

I was curious about this place

'cause I knew
they made movies here.

But my mom said,
"This is the land of sinners."

Though my mom had stopped
going to Mormon church
when she met Jeff,

she did not ever stop being
faithful or conservative.

And so, she couldn't get
out of LA fast enough.

And as we're going up
out of Southern California,

I just remember thinking,
"Oh, boy.

I wanna take one last look."

And I, I just, I felt the call.

(ambient nature sounds)

Jeff:
When Roseanna came
to work at Fort Ord,

she initially was given
the only open slot there was

which was
that of a shipping clerk.

So, it was...
not the role she wanted.

And then,
a position became open

for a medical technologist
on the staff

and she took it
and ran with it.

She always got
through every inspection

with no deficiencies
and no findings.

And that made her so proud.

And it drove her

to be the best technologist
that she could be.

Todd:
Salinas, as a city,
wasn't the best place.

Salinas was a big
farming community.

Lots of gangs, lots of crime.

But it was a short drive
to Monterey and the coast.

It's beautiful.

Jeff and I
would take bike rides

out along the beach,

go kayaking in the bay.

And Salinas was just,
that's just where we lived.

Dustin:
Salinas was just another
game of survival for me

for a really long time.

I felt at home,
but we were in a slightly more

dangerous school
in terms of violence.

There was a teacher shot
by a student while I was there.

And it was the first time
walking into school one day

I was wearing
a black turtleneck
and I'd permed my hair

to look more like
a New Kid on the Block

and I walked
into school thinking,

"Maybe I look good now."

Uh, and instead,
a guy said, "Hey, faggot."

And I just kept walking.
I didn't turn, nothing.

I just was like, "Oh, my God,
he couldn't have been saying
that to me, right?"

Thankfully,
I found the theater.

Followed my brother
into it, really.

Marcus went into theater

and I desperately
wanted his approval.

I wanted to impress him.
And so, I said,

"Well, I wanna do that, too."
Even though I was shy,

I was like, "This will be
a great way to confront that."

But my brother would never
last in these things.

And he was slipping
further and further into drugs

and this very punk rock,
heavy metal culture.

Rebecca Clark Mane:
I met Marcus in 1989

in the more dangerous
parts of Salinas.

And Salinas was by a prison.

So, there's this nice
kind of middle-class area

and then I would say
70% of it is hardcore.

And the group of people that
Marcus and I hung out with,

I guess you'd call us rockers.

We listened to heavy metal.

We did drugs, drank,
all of those things,

We were a bunch of broken kids.

All of us were traumatized
in some way.

We didn't know
what had happened to Marcus.

He never told any of us.

But we knew he was damaged

'cause he was there
night after night with us.

Dustin:
Marcus was so tough.

He was an auto mechanic.
He was smoking cigarettes.

He was doing
all kinds of drugs.

He was just
a self-defined redneck.

And I was quiet
and shy and sensitive.

And it seemed
that we were just growing
further and further apart.

But he was my hero, man.

So, I thought,
"Okay, I'm gonna do theater."

And I learned
that I loved telling stories.

And so, at high school,
I was putting on a play

and I needed
some hands and help

and I just went into the hallway
'cause I was desperate

and there was this guy
with a big mustache,

kind of thinning hair
on top, husky,

and his name was Ryan Elizalde.

And he looked at me,
up and down, sized me up,

and said, "Spread your legs."

Ryan Elizalde:
Back then, I, I liked to play
a lot of jokes on people,

so I had
this poster in my hand,
it was rolled up,

and I took that poster
and kinda whacked him
between the legs.

He kinda collapsed on the floor
and everybody laughed

and I thought
that was kinda funny.

I've apologized
for that several times.
(laughs)

He wanted to put me in my place,
show me who was in charge.

And because I didn't just whine
and cry and freak out

'cause I'd... bolstered myself,

I got an invitation
to go to Denny's.

And in Salinas, California,

to go to Denny's was

an invitation
to the cool kid's table.

Ryan:
After everyone was done eating,
I took a spoon

and passed it to my right
and everybody sort of put

a little piece of something
on the spoon,

leftover food, sugar, ketchup,

whatever they could
find off their plates

and it came all the way
back around to Lance

and then Lance puts
something on it

and he's-- was
handing it back to me
and I just went, "No."

I'm like,
"If you wanna be here,
you have to eat that."

So, I ate that motherfucking
spoonful of hell

and it changed
the course of our lives.

I wasn't ready to put words

to the connection
I knew I had with Ryan,

but my mom could see it
and it terrified her

'cause she knew
my friendship with Ryan

meant that our relationship
would change.

(film projector WHIRRING)

Wanting to be
a filmmaker, for me,

goes all the way back
to renting a film

when I was a teenager
in Texas called

"The 400 Blows,"

Francois Truffaut's
French New Wave masterpiece.

And it's about a young boy
in a really troubled family

and those were
the stories I wanted to tell

that felt more like my life,

that moved people,
that changed people.

So, when I graduated
from high school,

I just said,
"I wanna go somewhere

where I can learn
how to make movies."

So I should be
where they make movies.

So I convinced Ryan
to move with me

and, uh, he had
to ponder it for a while.

He had a good job,

all his friends,
his family in Salinas.

Ryan:
It was shortly after Lance
graduated high school

we started having
the conversation

about moving to Los Angeles.

What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna survive?

It was a scary move.
I mean, when you think
about what we did.

Dustin:
We had no plan,
no real place to go.

And my mom was
just so heartbroken.

She just said, "My Lancer,
you can always come back."

She was terrified.

Ryan:
I think I had $400 in my pocket

and I had a car
that was 20 years old.

We just showed up in Pasadena.
We got a hotel.

And from there we decided,
"Okay, I gotta find a job."

We gotta get things goin'
because we don't even know
where we're gonna live.

And so, we ended up
finding an apartment,
but it was so tiny.

It must've been
300 square feet.

And I took a job right away.
He got a job right away.

So we were able to make
that rent and survive.

Dustin:
In those first couple of years
in the community college

out in Pasadena
where we were hearing
gunfire at night

because we weren't
in the good part of Pasadena.

We were in the rough spot
'cause that's what we
could afford.

And then I applied here
to UCLA's film school

knowing they only took
15 students a year

from outside the university.

And I remember my mom said,
"You gotta have a backup plan."

And in my mom's style, I said,

"No, I don't. I'm gonna get in.
I'm gonna be one of 'em."

I mean, this was
my dream school.

I had worked years
at multiple jobs,

hungry at night,
trying to get all A's
in community college,

studying film,

then working
on that application

and those essays for weeks.

And guess what?

I was one of those 15.

Speaker:
Today's ceremony marks
the official closure

of Ford Ord
as an Army installation

and brings to an end
a period of 77 years
of cooperation

between the military personnel
assigned to Ford Ord

and the people
of the Monterey Peninsula.

Jeff:
When they started to close
down the military bases,

Fort Ord was selected
for one of those.

And that forced us
to look for a job elsewhere.

We happen to have friends

at Walter Reed
in Washington, D.C.

And they said, "Hey, we think
we can get you on staff here."

And I said, "Well,
we're moving to Virginia.

We're starting over again."

And Roseanna

also applied
for a position there
and was accepted.

Again, it wasn't in her
favorite area of microbiology.

It was in another section
called immunology.

In this section,

Roseanna dealt with samples
from AIDS patients.

One day while she was working,

she inadvertently stabbed
herself with a needle

while extracting some blood
from one of the tubes.

And, of course, she was worried,

you know, that, that she
might contract the virus,

but she didn't.

We now have, uh, every day,

1,900 people in hospital beds
with HIV illness.

Uh, by 1993, we are gonna need

4,000 to 5,000
hospital beds a day.

Dustin:
Gay people were fighting
for their lives .

I mean, this is in the middle
of the AIDS epidemic

and there was no treatment.

This isn't the time
where you came out

and it was just
a Pride parade and a party.

It was complicated.

Ryan:
When we moved to Los Angeles,

I thought that I would
have a new opportunity

to rediscover myself.

And I didn't feel
comfortable even then.

I didn't have
a whole lot of friends.

I didn't really
have any friends.

The first two years
we were in LA,

all I had was Lance and
I didn't really go anywhere.

And I was even more terrified
of the possibility of even

telling anyone that I was gay.

And at that point,
I think I was heading

for a heart attack,
just gaining a lot of weight

and being really, really sad.

Dustin:
I had suspected and kind of
known Ryan was gay

and I started pushing him to do
what I knew I couldn't do,

that I was too afraid to do.
It's, like, I wanted to see it.

What does it look like
for someone to come out?

And I wanted to hear it.

And I wanted to know
if he survived it.

I mean, it's rather cruel.

Ryan:
Lance had finished
at Pasadena City College.

There was
a, a summer break there

where we were gonna be apart
from each other for the summer.

And so, we had stayed up
all night talking

and Lance just kept hammering
me about, you know,

"Why haven't you brought
any girls over to the house?"

By the end of the night,
I would just, you know--
I'll tell you.

Like, it's, it's
what you think it is.

He said it.

Eventually, he came out to me.

And I said,
"Well, okay, you know,

I understand. I hear you."

Um, "I don't know
if we can still be friends.
I don't know."

Ryan:
It was scary because he
said things such as like,

"I don't know if we
can be friends anymore,

if our friendship
is gonna be the same
because of this."

And so, I thought I lost him.

Dustin:
I mean, I was saying
all the things I thought

a genuinely straight person

was supposed to say
to a person who came out.

I was playing a part.
I was playing a role.

And it really hurt him.

I was treating people
really poorly.

You wanna know the recipe
for treating people like shit?

Hate yourself.

You turn into a monster.

And we didn't
talk much that summer.

And that summer, I was
in Virginia with my family

and had a girlfriend
for the first time.

I mean...

I just didn't want to be gay.

Ryan: There was one
phone call that we had

towards the end of the summer
where I told him, you know,

"Are we gonna still
be roommates?"

Like, "What's gonna happen?"

And then I told him,
"You know, I really,

really miss you."

He's like,
"Look out the window.
Do you see the moon?"

And I'm like,
"Yeah, I can see the moon."

He's like,
"I'm lookin' at the moon, too."

We're like,
"We're lookin' at the same
thing right now."

It's like,
"We're gonna be friends."

Ryan and I realized
just how much we
missed each other

and he agreed to two more years

to see me through UCLA.

And so, I flew back
to Los Angeles

and I met Ryan here.

But the man who walked
into the room

was not the Ryan I had left.

Mustache, gone.
Head, shaved.

Body, lean and tan
and tattooed.

I had left him in wreckage

and he'd risen like a phoenix.

While I'm here at UCLA,
he starts bringing home
all of these new friends

from a place called
West Hollywood.

And this is a time
when young queer kids

were attacked and killed,

even in West Hollywood.

And Ryan was
a genuine protector,

which meant my house
was filled with the cutest boys

who were out and gay
and had gaydar

and I could see them
seeing me.

And the clock was ticking.

I mean, it was either...

run away, jump off a bridge ,
or come out.

And I, over the course
of the next few days,

wrote this manifesto.

Ryan:
He came to my room
and he said,

"What would you think
if I told you I was gay?"

And I said,
"I would probably hate you."

And the reason I said that
is because he put me through
so much when I came out.

After that morning
when he told me that,

I got up late for work
and he had already gone
to school.

And on the mirror
of our bathroom,
he wrote in soap,

"Read this page for page,
word for word,

and whatever you decide
to do is fine with me."

And on the counter,
it was a big arrow pointing down

to this manifesto
that he had written.

So, I start reading
the first few pages

and I start thinking
to myself, "Oh, my God.

Like, what's going on?
Is he gonna hurt himself?"

And I, I was panicking
looking at this.

And at the very last page,

there was these
two dime roles on it

and it just says,
"I, Dustin Lance Black,"

and you flip it over,
"am gay."

And I was like, "Oh, my God."

And so, I, I immediately
ran out of the house

because I didn't know
what he was going to do.

And I saw him walking up
and he stopped.

The thing that's most memorable
from that moment

is he looked at me
and said, "Happy birthday."

He said,
"Well, this is the first day

of the rest of your life,
the first day of the real you."

But I had a lot to lose,
including my own family.

And I knew that that day
would eventually come.

Where if she found out,
I would lose my mom.

We never missed a Christmas.

My mom always wanted
to make sure that

every Christmas
was better than the last.

But the year I came out
in Los Angeles,

I remember saying,
"Oh, I can only come home
for a couple days."

Thinking that if I was
just home for less time,

she wouldn't figure it out.

And so, I always had an excuse
for going to my room,

going to bed,
being away from everyone,

not sharing stories.

And my mom really felt it.

So, I just remember
being in the bedroom

and I hear this sound
coming down the hall,

this click clack, click clack,
click clack, click clack.

It's the sound I've heard
my whole life,

braces and crutches
coming down the hall
to the room.

And she comes in
and she sits down on the bed

and she puts
her crutches down beside her

how she always would.

I wasn't gonna talk,

so she starts
with the news of the day.

And the news of the day
at the time was a thing called

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

Which meant that as long as
gay people didn't shout out

that they were gay and didn't
come out in the military,

they could participate
and no one would ask
that question.

It is right because it
provides greater protection

to those who happen
to be homosexual

and want to serve their country
honorably in uniform,

obeying all
the military's rules

against sexual misconduct.

Dustin:
But it was seen as a terrible
betrayal by gay people

because it shut
the closet door on them.

But to others, like my mom,

it was actually seen
as too accommodating.

And so, she just starts
going off about how could

Bill Clinton sign this law

that lets these deviants,
these perverts, these sinners

into her good military.

And I closed my eyes

and I felt that tear
blaze down my cheek.

And she knew.

And it was not good news.

And I just remember
her finally speaking...

and she just said, "Why?

Why, why would you choose this?"

But I looked at her legs
inside those braces

and I looked at those
crutches behind her...

and I said,
"Why did you choose those?"

And it was just silent.

The closest person in my life,
my hero,

was disappointed in me.

I went back to California

knowing that my mom
didn't accept me

and we started
to drift apart...

in her America,

the faithful, southern,

red,

and me in California,

blue...

progressive...

and queer.

The next six months or so
just raced by.

And now,
what's coming is graduation.

And I'm now living with Ryan
and one other roommate

and we decide we're
gonna throw this party.

And we're in this
little apartment

filled with friends,
many of whom are LGBTQ,

and I hear that familiar
sound again,

click clack, click clack,
click clack coming.

I hear the knock on the door
and I open it up

and there she was,
my little southern mom

in her braces and crutches,
had come for my graduation.

And I had not told her

that so many
of my friends were queer.

I also hadn't told my friends
that my mom hadn't accepted me.

And at this time,
there aren't a whole lot
of accepting parents.

So, they thought,
"Oh, my gosh, she's the mother
who loves her queer son."

I mean, this was
remarkable to them.

Ryan:
I didn't know that it had
been taken so negatively.

So I thought we were good,
you know, with Anne coming out.

And I thought that this was
going to be just a fun event.

She gets to meet
some of Lance's friends.

Dustin:
And they start sharing
their queer stories,

their very personal
stories to her

and talking about gay sex
and how lesbians do it.

And it just kept getting
deeper and deeper and deeper

and I think Ryan thought it
was probably hilarious.

I'm absolutely terrified
because I didn't expect that.

And so now, I start seeing
all of my friends leaving

and my mom just pats the, uh,
the, the cushion of the futon.

And, uh, that means,
"Come on, it's time.
Come sit next to Mom."

Now, one of these friends
at the party, Jason--

Ooh, I just was so
incredibly in love with Jason.

Jason didn't really give me
the time of day.

And my mom lead with that.

She said, "Well, I had
a long conversation with him.

"And, you know, I told him
that I think he ought

"to start treating
my son better.

"And that maybe
he, um, ought to take
my son out to dinner.

And because he's a bit older,
he should pay."

(chuckles, cries)

She just wrapped
her arms around me

and held me so incredibly tight.

It was the first time
my mom had ever held me

and loved me for me...
every bit of me.

Ryan:
For Anne to absorb
all that in one night,

just having
that emotional connection
with so many people,

it's, it's mind-blowing
to think that, in one night,

like, her opinion was switched.

Dustin:
It happened because my mother
was courageous enough

to share a space...
with my friends and listen.

That's how powerful

story in a shared space is.

You might still disagree,
but you start to change.

A bridge is built.

So, after graduation,
I waited tables

and I grabbed any and every
opportunity I could

to tell gay stories,
documentaries, short films,

gay episodes
of BBC's "Faking It,"

and then a big break.

Director Paris Barclay
read a script of mine

and asked if I would
write the screenplay

about the gay HIV activist
Pedro Zamora.

Paris Barclay:
Well, there's two things
I discovered about Lance

when we worked
together on "Pedro,"

which is this unique
sense of humor

and this ability to structure
things in very unusual ways.

And if you're dealing
with a real person,

in the case of Pedro Zamora,

he's completely committed
to that real person's life

being presented in the most
correct way possible.

He really wanted
to get at the truth.

And then, Lance writes "Milk,"

which had an urgency about it
and a potency,

and that story would
help impassion people

and, I thought, find a place
to put that passion.

Reporter:
As political parades go,

it was a little unusual.

Harvey Milk on his way
to City Hall to be sworn in

as a supervisor
in San Francisco.

I will fight to represent
my constituents.

I will fight to represent
the city and county
of San Francisco.

I will fight to give
those people

who had once
walked away, hope,

so that those people
will walk back in.

-Thank you very much.
-(applause)

Anne Kronenberg:
I worked for Harvey Milk
when I was a young woman.

And what Harvey Milk
tried to do in the 1970s

was to create
an environment of equality

regardless
of sexual orientation
or color of your skin.

Harvey Milk:
If I'm fighting for the rights
of gay people, and I am,

then I must fight
for the rights of all people,

you know, all the minorities,
the senior citizens,

the handicapped,
the disenfranchised people,

or I'm a hypocrite.

Anne:
Harvey was able to pass

a gay rights ordinance
in San Francisco,

so that people could not
be discriminated against
if they were gay.

But on November 27, 1978,
Harvey was assassinated.

Dianne Feinstein:
Both Mayor Moscone

and supervisor Harvey Milk

have been shot and killed.

-(crowd groans, exclaims)
-Person: Jesus Christ!

The suspect
is supervisor Dan White.

Dustin:
I first heard the story
of Harvey Milk

when I was a closeted teenager.

I mean,
I learned that there was such
a thing as an out gay person.

I didn't know that that existed.

And I heard the story
of a man who believed

that minorities
and disenfranchised folks,

including gay people
and disabled people,

could come together
to win more acceptance,
to have better lives.

And that message gave me hope.

But that life-saving message,
by the 2000s,

was mostly lost to history,
forgotten.

Anne:
After Harvey Milk's
assassination,

there were many attempts
at trying to make a movie
about his life.

And I spoke to numerous
people over the years

and the screenplays
or the scripts were horrible.

And so, I had come
to believe that

I would never see anything
made about Harvey.

And out of the blue
one day in 2007,

Lance came to my office
and he was so intense

and he was so passionate
about the project.

And he let me read the script
and I knew from that moment

that everything
was gonna work out.

-(crowd cheering)
-My name is Harvey Milk

and I'm here to recruit you.

Dustin: Getting "Milk" made

was a huge challenge.

It was a spec script.

It didn't have a studio at first

because I was working on a show
called "Big Love" at HBO,

but I wasn't
a big-time writer yet.

And so, it was
a bit of a coup that

I had gone head-to-head
with a competing project
at Warner Bros.

and here we were,
in San Francisco,

with Gus Van Sant directing,
Sean Penn starring,

and we're making this film
about my great hero,

a film a lot of people
in Hollywood

were probably
hoping would fall apart.

And so, I just was
dedicated to gettin' it right.

Jeff:
When Lance was
writing the script,

he would send drafts
of the "Milk" script

to her to review
and to ask her opinion.

And she thrived
on that with him.

We will no longer
sit quietly in the closet.

We must fight.

Lance felt that Harvey's story
needed to be told

to a wider group of people

because Harvey
had given him hope

and I think he wanted
to be able to pass that on

to the next generation.

Dustin:
I was so focused on "Milk,"

I was ignoring
incoming messages and calls.

And the one that I was
receiving most frequently

was from Marcus,
from my big brother,

'cause he was in Virginia at
this point living with my mom.

And it would be a few weeks
into the shoot of "Milk"

before I finally picked up
the phone on a Sunday

and I said, "Hey, bro.
Hey, Marcus, what's up?"

"I really need to talk to you."

You know, and I went,
"Oh, God," you know,

"Did you get someone pregnant?"

You know,
"Is-- What do you need?
Like, what happened?"

And he said,
"No, no, no, no.
You know Larry?"

I said, "Yeah," you know,
"I know your friend Larry."

"Well, um...

Larry broke up with me."

And I just was like, I-- That--

I'm sorry,
this does not compute.

And he said, "Larry's afraid
if anybody finds out

"what'll happen to us.

And I love him...
but he's afraid."

My brother is coming out to me.

I'm shocked.

I'm confused,
but I'm gonna get it right.

And I, I said, "Well, you came
to the right guy, right?

"I've got every hope speech

"in the world
memorized right now.

I can tell you how
it's going to get better."

And truly, nothing I said
made a difference.

He just was like,
"Yeah, okay, all right.

I'll talk to you later, bro."

He hung up,
as despondent and broken
as when the call began.

And it hit me

that he was coming out
in rural Virginia

where there were
no protections at the time,

no protections for housing,
for employment.

So, Larry and Marcus literally
had every reason to be afraid.

And I thought,
it was one of those
first moments

where I went, "My God,
we live in, at least,
two Americas."

I mean, how can we live
in the same country

and he's afraid for his job,
and his home, and his life

and I can be in California

where I can be relatively
stable and safe?

And here I am making
this civil rights movie

that's supposed
to be very hopeful

and I feel like
I've somehow left my brother

out of all of that.

The first solution
we came up with

was for my brother to move
from Virginia to California.

And he moved in with me.

And he tried and really failed
with any kind of dating.

I remember coming home one day

and he started to cry
and he just said...

"Are, are there
any gays like me?"

Rebecca:
Marcus was a man's man.

Marcus could talk to other men
about cars for hours

and that wasn't a kind of gay
you could be back then.

And I think that's
one of the things

that probably kept him
in the closet for so long

is that there was
one way to be gay

and that was the way
Lance is gay.

'Cause I was the same way.

When I went to college,
I came out as a lesbian.

And I went to Lilith Fair
and I was a heavy metal chick.

And I was like, "This music
fuckin' sucks," you know?

I was like,
maybe I'm not a lesbian

'cause I don't wanna
wear Birkenstocks.

I don't wanna go to these
stupid folk festivals.

So, maybe,
I don't know what I am.

And I feel like that is
what happened for Marcus, too.

Dustin: Eventually,
he started going online,

trying his best to meet anybody

who he thought he had
something in common with.

And one day,
he up and moved,

this time, into another
corner of America,

a conservative town
in Western Michigan

and kind of disappeared
into a relationship there.

And I would talk
to him intermittently,

uh, but not a whole lot.

And I didn't quite know
what was going on with him.

(light music playing)

Jeff:
Roseanna had just retired

after 27 years of working
for the Department of Defense.

She was given commendations
by President and Mrs. Bush

thanking her for her service
to her country.

There are letters
from the mayor of D.C.
at the time.

There are letters
from congressmen

and a Virginia state senator

for her outstanding work.

Then, something
horrible happened.

Dustin:
When we were doing
the score for "Milk,"

we were in London
and I got a phone call
from my mom.

And she said, you know,
"Can you come home?"

I'm like,
"Well, I'm in the middle
of this thing.

Can you please tell me why?"
And she finally confessed

that she had been diagnosed
with breast cancer.

Deborah:
It was devastating
to the whole family.

She had been through so much
and now to go through this.

But what was Anne
if nothing else?

She was a fighter.
So, she fought it

just as hard as she could.

Nannette:
She had surgery
and radiation,

but she was struggling,

not acting like
she was struggling,

but she was struggling.

Jeff:
A hard part with her

getting into the chemo
was she was getting weak.

She had to get used
to being in a wheelchair,

which she did not like.

But she just didn't have
the physical strength

to continue to walk on crutches.

But when we went
to the "Milk" premiere...

she got out of the wheelchair.

She walked down that red carpet
and into the movie theater.

Dustin:
And then I got nominated
for an Academy award.

Almost everyone
on the film got nominated.

It was this
incredibly exciting day.

And my mom calls me up
immediately and goes,

"Oh, my Lancer,
I can't believe it!"

I said to her,
"Mom, would you come with me?"

And she was like,
"Oh, my goodness.

Like, I don't
even know if I can."

Like, a little girl from
Lake Providence, Louisiana,

is gonna go to the Oscars.

And I said,
"Yes, let's do it."

And at this point,
she has a wig on,

uh, because she's been
going through chemotherapy.

And I'll never forget
my mom in her black dress

just starts pinning something
to her dress.

And when it's
all straightened up,

it's a little white ribbon
with a knot in the middle,

which at the time,
had become the symbol

of support
for marriage equality.

And I thought, "Oh, I never
thought I would see that day

when I came out to her."

-(audience applauding)
-Steve Martin:
And the Oscar goes to

Dustin Lance Black
for "Milk."

To all of the gay and lesbian
kids out there tonight

who have been told
that they are less than
by their churches,

or by the government,
or by their families,

that you are beautiful,
wonderful creatures of value.

And that, no matter
what anyone tells you,
God does love you

and that very soon,
I promise you,

you will have equal rights,
federally,

across this great
nation of ours.

(applause, cheering)

Thank you. Thank you.

And thank you, God,
for giving us Harvey Milk.

Lance took that spotlight
and he just targeted

what he wanted to say
to young gays and lesbians

and it will never be forgotten.

Millions and millions
of gay kids who were
like Lance,

just a few years
out of elementary school,

who saw that and felt seen,

and felt heard,
and felt comforted.

Chad Griffin:
The timing of Lance's
Academy speech

was critically important
'cause it came only months

after Proposition 8, uh,
had passed in California.

A ballot measure took away
the fundamental right

for LGBTQ people to marry.

And sent a terrible
and dangerous message

to young people all around,
not just the state
of California,

but all around the country
and the globe.

The battle tonight
has been won.

(crowd cheering)

Reporter:
Supporters of Proposition 8,

which bans same-sex marriage,
claim victory.

It'd already been
a bruising campaign.

Together, both sides
raised more than $70 million

making Prop 8 more expensive
than any contest

other than
the presidential race.

Dustin:
And shortly after Prop 8
was passed ,

I'd gotten up
and made a promise.

And my mother had reminded me,

in her conservative
Christian way,

that a promise
is a sacred thing

and I had a responsibility
to fulfill it.

And for the next
five, six years,

I stopped focusing
on making movies.

All of my attention went into

how do we reverse
Proposition 8 in California

and to do it in a way
where there's hope

that that decision
might apply to all 50 states.

'Cause if we won
at the federal level,

I get to celebrate
and so does my brother.

Chad:
Lance and I began
plotting the path.

How do we deliver
on that promise

that Lance made
on the global stage?

We ultimately decided
that a legal case

suing the state of California,

putting together
two of the best attorneys
in the country,

a conservative Republican
and a progressive Democrat.

And throughout that time,

while the lawyers
were working in the courtroom,

Lance was working
day in and day out

in the public square
to change hearts and minds

as that case rose all the way

to the United States
Supreme Court.

We pledge our allegiance
to one America,

not a red America
or a blue America,

a northern America
or a southern America.

We pledge our allegiance
to one America under God

indivisible with liberty
and justice for all.

'Cause we, as a people...

we do not leave
a single one of our brothers
or our sisters behind,

no matter who they love
or where they live.

Troy Williams:
We thought, if California,

the most progressive state
in the country

bans gay marriage,

there's no hope
for the rest of us.

And we discovered
that so much of the money

and the organizing
to pass Proposition 8

came from Utah directed by

The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints.

And this culture war
was ripping families apart.

Protestors: (chanting)
Equal rights!

Reporter:
From a PR perspective,

it's been a tough
couple of years

for The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints.

Recently, there have been
angry protests outside
Mormon temples

over the church's support
of Proposition 8.

Dustin:
Proposition 8 had passed
because of Mormon money.

And I was now engaged
in a fight to overturn that.

What we have to do,
what we must do,

is hold the leaders
of these religions responsible

for the lies, and the myths,
and the distortions

they've been telling
for generations now

that have plagued our people,
and made us feel second-class,

and had robbed us
of our rights in this state.

And around this time,

I started to think perhaps
the way to crack things open

is to follow my mom's example.

My mom showed the courage
and the curiosity to meet

with my friends in California,

people who she thought
and had been taught

were just too different
than her.

Now, wasn't it my obligation
to follow her example

and to travel back to my roots
to red America

and to sit down with the people
who I once called home?

And I got on a plane
and flew here to Salt Lake City

to meet with some leaders
from the Mormon church,

even when my queer
activist friends

began calling me foolish
for doing so.

And I went
into the Joseph Smith
Memorial Building

and, and sat around a table
with a lot of white-haired men

in a very pastel room
and we shared stories.

I followed my mother's example

and I asked 'em
about themselves.

I asked about their families.

I asked about their kids
and their grandkids.

And they were really happy
to share all that.

And because of that,
they asked about me.

And they even invited me
to the Mormon Tabernacle
Christmas Spectacular,

which is a hard ticket to get.

And I went with Troy
and some other queer people

right here
in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Reporter:
Black told ABC4
that it was an honor

to see the concert
and an extraordinary
act of goodwill.

He also told us
a conversation
has been started

between the gay community
and the church

and that, quote,

"Both sides are trying
to find common ground."

This is the power
my mom taught me.

Share space.

It does take courage.

And it can create change.

Troy:
It's really hard
to do this work.

It's not for everyone.

And when you make the choice

that you're gonna be
a bridge builder

from one tribe to another,

it's not without consequences.

It takes tremendous courage

to step out and reach out
to the other.

Dustin:
Within a year or two
after that first

breaking of the ice
with the Mormon church,

to start that conversation,

Troy Williams called me up
and said, "Would you come

and be the Grand Marshal
of Salt Lake City Pride?"

First of all, I couldn't believe
there was such a thing

as Salt Lake City Pride.
That blew my mind.

And so, I agreed to be
the Grand Marshal at the parade

as long as it was
a bridge-building opportunity.

Troy:
In 2012, something
significant happened.

A group of Latter-day Saints

callin' themselves
Mormons Building Bridges,
they called me up.

They said,
"We're gonna come march
in the Pride parade

"and we're gonna wear
our Sunday clothes

"and were gonna sing hymns

all the way down
the parade route."

And I was like,
"Have any of you ever been
to a Gay Pride parade before?"

Dustin:
And then it's, like,
hard to beli--

If there weren't
pictures of it,
I couldn't believe it.

Dozens upon dozens upon dozens
of active LDS folks

started to show up

enjoying the parade,

marching in solidarity
with queer people here in Utah.

And when they brought
their banner out

and it said,
"Mormons Building Bridges,"

I felt my mother's spirit.

Troy:
Three hundred active members

of the church showed up
with their signs.

"LDS hearts LGBT."

One sign said,
"Sorry, I'm late."

And that moment
changed everything for me

because I realized
the way forward,

the way we create change,

is through love.

Dustin: That image ended up
on newspapers around the world.

It shattered something.
It shattered an idea

that we could not
come together.

You know,
and of course, this wasn't
Mormon leadership yet.

These are rank-and-file Mormons
and, honestly, they have power.

And a lot of these
Mormon mothers

started sharing
their own stories.

And because they could now
communicate with one another,

they saw they weren't alone.

They were able
to start to organize.

And they called themselves
the "Mama Dragons."

Active LDS mothers who will
protect their queer children

with the fierceness of a dragon.

I feel certain that we can win
our full equality in Utah.

And I know that if we
redouble our efforts here

and we give 110%,

I know in my heart,

in our lifetime,
we will win full equality

in all matters
governed by civil law

in all 50 states
of this great nation.

And we will be free.

Troy:
Lance was one
of the major forces

that helped overturn
Proposition 8 in California.

And his style
of bridge-building activism

energized us
in the final years

leading up to marriage equality
becoming the law of the land.

The Supreme Court
of the United States

found gay
and lesbian Americans

have a constitutional right
to marry.

Cheers shook
the courthouse steps.

Licenses were issued
and weddings performed

in states where such
marriages were outlawed.

Dustin: I'll never forget
sitting in the United States
Supreme Court

and it wasn't the decision
that would come months later

that told me we'd won.
It was a question.

The swing vote
on the Supreme Court
was Justice Kennedy.

And Justice Kennedy,
at one point, leaned in

and said, "The opposition
to LGBT equality

"likes to talk a lot
about how this hurts children,

"but there are
thousands of children

"of gay and lesbian
parents out there

"who would like to know
that their parents'
relationships

"are equally honored
and protected.

"Why would we not
protect those children

by granting them what
we grant heterosexuals?"

He understood
that by discriminating
against queer people,

that's what actually
hurts children.

And all I wanted
was to reach into my pocket

and pull out my cell phone
and to call my big brother,

to call Marcus and say,
"Listen, bro, we did it.

It took all of these years,
but we made it there."

I know there's a lot
of other issues for LGBTQ folks,

but for the first time,
we are going to have a decision

that applies,
not only to California,

but to Virginia and Texas
and Michigan and the states

that he loved
and wanted to call home.

But I couldn't make that call

'cause my brother was gone.

-Dustin: Hi, Mother.
-Uh, oh no. No. I'm a wreck.

Dustin: Too late, it's video.

And, Jeff, what is your job?

-Bumble.
-Dustin: Yeah.

Grinch, whatever.

I don't have a job.
I'm unemployed.

-Dustin: What are the rules?
-No rules.

Dustin:
No! Only when the camera's on.

We don't, we don't, we don't
believe that for a moment.

Dustin: Hi! This morning,
look how pretty Allie's hair is.

She looks perfect, doesn't she?

Allison Black:
The first Christmas
that I spent with them

was so special.

And I got to see

their traditions
at its most finest.

That family was
always thriving to have
the best Christmas ever.

Lance was the older brother
for me that makes fun of me

and that knows
how to push my buttons.

And Marcus was always
the one that had my back.

He was that protective
older brother.

And I got very close
to Anne very quickly.

She was always
so accepting and loving

and I wish I knew then
that that was gonna be

the last Christmas
that was normal

because exactly a year later

was when Marcus was really sick.

-Fuck 2011.
-(Allison laughs)

Allison:
Say your lovely name for me.

(Allison laughing)

-Mr. Marcus Black
says, "Fuck 2011."
-Allison: Woo.

Dustin:
He started to have a burning
sensation when he urinated

and then instead of
just going to the doctor
and dealing with it,

you know, out of shame

and the fact
that he was broke,

he just kept putting it off.

And so, when the doctors
finally saw him,

when he finally got up
the courage to go in,
they did a scan

and saw that there was
a growth in his bladder.

They did a proper analysis

and said,
"Yeah, you have cancer.

And it's bad
and it's aggressive."

And then he said,
"Oh, my back is really hurting."

And, um... within days,

he found out that it
had spread to his bone.

And I got to Michigan
to find my brother

in an incredibly
desperate state.

His partner, at the time,
was not taking care of him.

The house
was a disastrous mess

and he had degraded
so much in those weeks,

he was almost unrecognizable.

My brother is
a hippie right now.

And I'm gonna use
kitchen shears to cut
the hippie's hair.

In fact, I'd cut his hair.

I'd never really cut
anyone's hair

but I did my very best
to get him looking good.

Christmas was
right around the corner

and I thought, we gotta
get him home to Virginia
in the dead of winter.

And I get ahold of Steve,

one of my big
brother's friends,

and I start packing stuff up
into my brother's truck.

What's that truck behind you?

-It's my moving truck.
-Dustin: Yeah.

-Where you goin'?
-To Virginia.

Dustin: We did that drive
over the course of a night,

a very, very long night.

Ah!

Dustin:
And we arrived in Virginia

at my mom's house
in the morning.

(indistinct chatter)

And that Christmas, we all
got together around the tree

and we opened presents.

Todd:
That's to barbecue in, right?

Dustin:
And my mom that year had
a fully restored 1967 Camaro

sitting in the garage
collecting dust

and she put the keys in a box

and she gave that

Camaro to my brother
as a Christmas present.

Let's see, Marcus. Hold it up.

The car he always
dreamed of was now his.

That's pretty cool, huh?

Jeff: For that one day,
having our family together,

it was like nobody was sick.

Everybody was fine.

And then, soon after that,

Marcus took a turn for the worse

and it was pretty clear
it wasn't gonna get any better.

Dustin:
To see him in that condition
in our home was really tough.

Before we knew it,
we're feeding him water

on, like, a little lollipop
with a sponge at the top

that you would dip in water

into his mouth
and he would suck the water

and that's really all
he could do,

and he couldn't
talk much anymore.

And Todd and I
were sitting there with him,

my mom and Jeff had gone to bed,

and we just were like,
"This isn't right.
This isn't Marcus."

And we had a tiny bottle
of Crown Royal... (sniffles)

and I was like,
"Hey, Marcus, you want
some Crown?"

And he was like...

That's about all he could do.

So, we dipped
that thing in there.

I'm like, "Here.
Giving you Crown."

And he's just like, "Yeah."

And I was like,
I know what he wants
to listen to.

So I put on "Bitchin' Camaro"
from The Dead Milkmen.

And he started jamming out.

And I just grabbed his hand.
(sniffles)

(crying)

And just watched him go.

Dustin:
This kid had been beaten
to shit and back,

emotionally and physically.

And he had just figured it out.

He had just come out.

And by coming out,
he dropped the drugs,

he had gotten into school,
he was just living his life.

And he had said to me,
"I'm just gettin' started, bro."

Nannette:
Losing Marcus, I think,

was just so painful for Anne.

You don't ever
expect to lose...

a child first.

You don't expect
that to happen.

Jeff:
For a mother to lose her son,

a son that she fought so hard
to bring into the world.

She's like,
"Bring him back.
Bring him back."

It's like, "Well, we can't."
She was devastated.

(mournful music playing)

Dustin:
In the midst
of all of this grief,

I met this miraculous,
sparkling warrior of a man

and he was an Olympian.

He was a diver.

He just won his first
Olympic medal.

I had won an Oscar.

He had just lost his father
and I had lost my brother.

Lance and I connected
on a much deeper level

than I ever have with anyone
in my life before.

There's not many people my age
that have experienced success

and then the crushing low
that comes with it afterwards.

People that have
experienced loss

in the way that myself
and Lance had.

I had lost my dad two years
prior to meeting Lance.

Lance had lost
his brother to cancer.

So, we were able to connect
on such a deeper level

and be able to understand
each other way more than,

I think, we've been able
to understand anyone.

I'll forever be thankful

that he wanted to come
meet my family

and he came to Christmas.

Tom Daley:
I first met Lance's
mum in person

with Todd and Allie and Jeff

and we all had this
really beautiful time together.

And I can really see how Lance
became the way he is today.

Being able to spend that time
with her really gave me that,

wow, like, I understand Lance
in a whole different light now.

Dustin: At the time,
I didn't know what was to come.

But certainly, that Christmas,

knowing that my mom met

the man who would
become my husband

and the father of my children.

It's gotta rank as one
of the best Christmases ever.

(light music playing)

Looking at this picture,
this must be almost exactly

40 years ago.

My big brother
and my aunt Josie are gone.

But Todd and I are still here.

When I came out,
there would be
a really long time

that I thought
I wouldn't be accepted here

by the family in Texarkana,

in a corner of Texas
that's quite conservative.

Was it true that people
in different corners of America

are just too different
from one another?

And so, I did
what people do these days.

I just cut it off.

I'm gonna stick
with my people in California.

I don't have to deal
with the possibility

of rejection by Josie
and this family who I loved.

I don't want them to reject me,

so it's better just to stay
quiet, stay away. And I did.

It would take that phone call
from my mom saying,

"Honey, your aunt Josie
passed away last night."

And, at this point,
my mom is so sick,

she can't get out of bed.

And Josie was like
my mom's second mom.

She said,
"You gotta go there, Lancer.

You gotta be there for me."

And I was terrified
to come back here.

Perhaps the family member
I was most worried

about meeting
was my cousin Lynn.

Partly 'cause
I had admired him
so much as a little kid.

But he was Baptist
and he was conservative.

He's from the South.

We were just so
incredibly different

and I didn't want him
to reject me.

And I called
my little brother Todd up

and I said,
"Would you come with me?"

Thank God he said yes.

And I'll never forget walking
back in through that door

30-plus years later.

It was like I'd never left.

-Lynn: Oh, look who showed up.
-Deborah: Oh. Hi! Finally!

Hey, hey!
(laughing)

I haven't seen you
in a while.

Lynn:
Yeah, I had not seen Lance
since he was a little kid,

but we knew he was,

you know, a famous screenwriter.

We knew he had won a Oscar.

We knew he was
a gay rights activist.

And he came in
for my mom's funeral.

And him and Todd showed up
out of respect for my mom.

But, yeah, I was
surprised to see him.

Dustin:
It's hard to think of now

'cause now we talk on Facebook
and whatever,

-make jokes,
but, like, at the time...
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

...I was terrified of you.
I was here for your mom

and I was terrified
of everything else.

And in the end,

I loved to be here for your mom,

really for my mom
who wanted me here.

But I just thought
that this part of my history
was history, right?

I just thought--
'Cause, you know, you--

I, I, I had to go somewhere
where I didn't feel like

I was gonna get killed
or have to kill myself.

Lynn: Yeah, I think
my opinions and my views
had changed dramatically

-from what you knew of me.
-Yeah.

'Cause before, you know,

when I was a kid,
I had different attitude.

-Right.
-And...

maybe then I wouldn't
have accepted you.

But I'd already accepted you
before you got here.

-You just didn't know.
-Right.

Well, one day,
I might accept you, too.
One day. (laughs)

Lynn:
Growin' up, I had
a different attitude

about gay people.
I really did.

I mean, when I was younger,
I was just a wild redneck.

If you was gay
I, I didn't want nothin'
to do with you.

But Lance helped me
with that a lot,
him being gay.

Then I met other people
that were gay, and, you know,

they were good friends,
they were normal people.

It wasn't like

what I had in my brain
or as I was raised.

Like I said,
I was raised Southern Baptist,

but now I'm more spiritual
and I believe

it's, it's all
between you and God.

Dustin:
You know, that was the thing
my mom was getting

really worried about years ago,

was it's getting
harder and harder

to get in the same room
with people you once loved

but now disagree with.
And people just are like,

"You know what,
I just don't want--
I won't even go in the room."

Like, "I'll just avoid the room
'cause it's uncomfortable."

I didn't care who you voted for.

I just knew, you know,
I had a really hot cousin.

(laughing)

Yeah, we live
in different places

and we believe
in different things

and we vote in different ways.

But blood's thicker.

I was family.

Politics is important.

It builds the systems
we live within.

But how can politics
ever be good

and serve our families
if we don't put family first?

Donna:
I had a phone call with Anne,

as I look back on it,

and I remember sensing
that she was saying goodbye.

We didn't say
officially goodbye,

but it was as if I was saying
a blessing over her life

and she was expressing
love to me.

Dustin:
My mom had beaten cancer,

but she was having
every other reaction there is.

And so, I said,
"Well, I'm gonna celebrate

turning 40 with my mom
in gratitude."

Really flew in, taking a stop--

I'm n-- I was supposed
to be going to London,

but I was like,
"No, no, no, wait.

I'm stopping in
to see my mom first."

And so, I went
to the house in Virginia

and we exchanged gifts
and we have cake

and my mom
just wasn't feeling well.

I said, "Mom, you gotta go,
just go to the doctor.

Just go get checked up."

And she said,
"All right, Lancer," um...

"help me get dressed."

And I remember as I was...

putting one of the, the socks
onto her feet

and she looked me
right in the eye

and she said,
"Fight for my life."

And I tried to laugh.
Like, "Okay."

And she said, "No, I need
you to fight for my life.

Promise me."

And so, I said,
"I promise you, Mom.

"I, I promise I'll fight
for your life, of course.

"If you need me to turn around
on the way, just call me.

I'll come right back.
It's fine."

I remember it so clearly

because Lance and I
hadn't seen each other

for about three or four weeks.

And it was a day that he was
coming back to see me in London.

We wish Lance farewell
and he takes off in the taxi.

Uh, carrying Anne downstairs
and get her into the car

and her last words were
to me, "Please hurry."

So, I turn around... to go back
to the house to close the door

and when I turn around,
she was slumped over in the car.

I got her out of the car.
She's not breathing.

There's no heartbeat.
I called 911.

I was doing CPR.

After the paramedics got there,
I called Lance and I said,

"I need you to come back.
Something horrible's happened."

When he was
on the way to the airport,

he texts me sayin',
"I have to go back.
My mom's collapsed."

I looked up
into the rearview mirror

and I just told that cab driver
he had to turn the car around.

And we got to the hospital
and I rush into the room.

And there she is
and she's conscious

and her eyes are
wide open staring at me.

And I'm thinking in my head
what she's tasked me with,

to fight for her life.

Todd: (crying)
You see a woman that's

you've known nothing
but can fight...

fight, fight her whole life.

And to see her energy
getting sucked out...

She fought harder
than anything to deserve this.

(sniffles)

It was the hardest thing.

My brother was holding her hand
and Jeff was touching her hair.

And I leaned into her ear.

I said to her...

"We're gonna be okay.
I'm gonna be okay.

"Fly. You can fly now...
You can walk.

"You've built us strong.

We'll survive
and we'll be okay."

She flew away.

The person
with the strongest heart
I'd ever known

had asked me
to fight for her life.

And I had failed her.

♪ ♪

Ryan:
At this point, I was
already living in Seattle

and, uh... I got a call
from a friend of mine

and he's like, you know,
"Lance is not doing well."

And so, I called him
and Lance didn't respond,

so I immediately got on a plane

and, yeah, he was
in a really dark place

after she'd passed away.

And to the point where

he didn't know
what made sense to him,

why it happened.

You know, he felt very lost.

(ambient nature sounds)

(birds chirping)

Dustin:
In all of my guilt and shame,
I just got busy.

She wanted to be buried,

so I needed to get
her next to her eldest son.

We buried Marcus in California
'cause that was the plan.

We were all moving back
to California to be close
to each other one day.

But there was
one other thing

that was incredibly
complicated for me,

which is my mom was not

a member of any faith anymore,

but she was still
incredibly faithful.

So, who do you have
run that ceremony?

And I call up
Bishop Gene Robinson

who had been
integral in our fight
against Proposition 8

and he was the first
openly gay bishop

ordained
in the Episcopal Church.

And that night--
And he could clearly tell
that there was something

really weighing on me
that went beyond

just the loss of my mother.

And it was the first time
I admitted that

my mother had made me promise
to fight for her life

and I'd failed.

He said, "Tell me what
your mother's life was."

And I said,
"Well, you know, my mom was

"this incredibly strong kid

"who... when she was told
what was impossible

she just didn't accept it."
She just decided,

"Well, this is what I want,
so I wanna have a family,

and I wanna have kids,
and a good job,"

and all the things that she'd
been told she couldn't have.

And she showed the curiosity
to listen more than she spoke.

My mom believed it was
incredibly important

to keep
relationships together,

to keep friendships together,

communities
and country together.

Courage... curiosity...
bridge-building,

that was my mom.

He said, "Your mom knew
what was happening to her.

"But she gave you a mission
and you promised to keep it

"and it was
to fight for her life.

"And you just said her life

"is about having the courage

"to not accept no,
to fight for the yeses,

"to fight for the possibility
to fall in love,

"and to have a family,
if that's what you want.

"And to not accept the lie
that our corners of the country

"are just too different
from one another,

"to show the courage to show up

"and meet people
who are different,

"to have the curiosity
to listen more than you speak,

"even when it's difficult.

"To do the hard work
to build bridges

"that keep family and community
and country together.

"Your mom gave you a mission
to fight for her life.

"And if you say a promise is
a sacred thing in your family,

"I have to believe that.

So, what are you gonna do?"

I'm gonna fight for her life.

And I hope...
I hope I'm not alone.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪