Mallrats (1995) - full transcript

Brodie Bruce, a Sega and comic book obsessed college student, and his best friend, TS Quint, are both dumped by their girlfriends on the same day, and to deal with their loss, they both go to the local mall. Along the way, they meet up with some friends, including Willam, a guy who stares at Magic Eye pictures, desprately trying to see the hidden image; Gwen, one of TS's ex-girlfriends; and Jay & Silent Bob, of Clerks fame. Eventually, they decide to try and win back their significant others, and take care of their respective nemesises (TS's girlfriend's father, and a store clerk who hates the two for not having any shopping agenda).

One time my cousin Walter
got this cat stuck in his ass.

True story. He bought it at our local mall,
so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.

It was embarrassing for my relatives and
all, but the next week, he did it again.

Different cat, same results, complete
with another trip to the emergency room.

So, I run into him a week later in
the mall and he's buying another cat.

And I says to him,
"Jesus, Walt! What are you doing?

You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in
your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?"

And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell
else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?"

My cousin was a weird guy.

# A skeleton
in a suit and tie #

# Tells us
what we oughta buy #

# Bag his Coke
and move to your heart #

# Support your conscience
That's a start #

# Here we are again
some afternoon #

# More parties
than you can choose #

# You were born
into a social class #

# Stuck there
and it's hard to pass it #

# Social norms
and social rules #

# With social skills
With social tools #

# They tell us all
better socialize #

# Ignoring all
our social drives #

# We lose again before we start
Watch us dance as we fall apart #

# We'd better teach ourselves
Never be social #

# We don't play the game
Never be social #

# Whoa, whoa #

One, two, three, four!

# There's social norms
and social rules #

# With social skills
With social tools #

# They tell us all
better socialize #

# Ignoring all
our social drives #

# We lose again before we start
They watch us dance as we fall apart #

# Let's be ourselves
Never be social #

# We don't play the game
Never be social #

# Whoa, whoa-oh-oh ##

Brandi Svening, come
on down. I'm takin' your ass to Florida.

Let's go, let's go. Where's your
luggage? The plane leaves in an hour.

T.S., did you see
Julie Dwyer last night?

Yeah, yeah,
I saw her at the video store.

She was talking about being on your dad's
stupid game show. He's not here, is he?

Yeah, he's inside.

Did you tell her every time you're
on TV you look ten pounds heavier?

Uh, well, yeah.

I told her that the way TV shows are shot
sometimes make you look a lot fatter than you are.

Why, what'd she do?
Call up and cancel?

No, not exactly.

T.S., you know Julie had a huge weight
problem in school. She had the fattest ass.

When you said that to her, she went straight
up to the Y.M.C.A. and started doing laps...

because she wanted to be fit
for the show tonight...

and... well...

in the middle
of her 700th lap...

this embolism popped
in her brain...

and she dropped dead,
right in mid-backstroke.

She's fucking dead?

Then her sister told her parents why
she was doing all the laps...

and it got back
to my father, and, and...

Shit, T.S.,
he's really pissed at you.

I mean, it's awful about
Julie's death, and...

now he doesn't even have
a female contestant for his show.

- Can't you calm him down?
- I've done that.

- Thank God! How?
- I told him I'd do the show.

Good. What?

Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no.
W-W-We're leaving for Florida.

- T.S., I can't go. I've gotta stay here.
- No, no, no, no.

I've got something planned for Florida.
No, we gotta go.

T.S., I'm doing this to get you out of trouble
with my father. Help him out of a bind.

Which, you know, you kind of...
well, at least a little responsible for.

I bet he's happy as a pig in shit
you're not going away with me.

Are you kidding?
He's absolutely devastated about Julie.

I can't believe you!
Brandi, the guy hates me!

I bet he sees this tragedy as an excellent
opportunity to keep you from going away with me.

Would you calm down?
I mean, you're being a complete ass.

Sometimes I almost forget that you're
such a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.


Well, you know what I think's sick?
This relationship.

Brandi, come on. I thought we weren't going
through this makeup/breakup shit anymore.

Yeah, well, you can just
forget about making up.

You know, you are exactly
like my father.

It's always about what you need,
what you've got planned.

"Screw everybody else.
My shit is more important."

You're as thoughtless
and self-absorbed as he is.

In fact, the two of you have so much in
common, I think you should date each other!

Brandi, wait!

- Sweet fucking Christ! Would you knock it off!
- God.


- What time is it?
- 9:30.

Man, go back to sleep.


- What the hell are you doing?
- Finishing my game.

- No, no, no. You promised me breakfast.
- Breakfast?

Breakfast, schmrekfest.
Look at the score.

I'm only in the middle of the second
and I'm winning 12 to 2.

Breakfasts come and go, Rene.

Now, Hartford, the Whale?

Hey, they only beat Vancouver once,
maybe twice in a lifetime.

Ya hit the bathroom

Don't worry, I didn't let
your mother see me.

- Who's worried?
- Are you kidding me?

I've never met a person who lives in
as much fear of his mother as you do.

I do not.

That's why I have to sneak in here after every
one's asleep and sneak out in the morning?

You want I should tell my mother
what we do in here at night?

That you play video games
and I fall asleep unfulfilled?

Go ahead. It beats this
sneaking-around shit.

- What can I say? She doesn't like you.
- You've never introduced me.

Yeah, 'cause you're always in the goddamn
bathroom. What do you do in there?

- You really wanna know?
- I asked, didn't I?

I'm playing the role
of the concerned guy.

I cry.

- You cry?
- I cry.

Any particular reason?


I think about people that make
decisions that affect our lives.

The doctors who make advancements
in curing diseases.

The engineer
that designs skyscrapers.

- The guy that maps out a plane's flight path.
- The navigator.

I think about how those people
are out there every day...

making a difference,
leading big lives...

and how they refuse to be intimidated by
the tremendous odds of failure they face;

how they only concern themselves with peers
and company that apply to their goals...

- and noble causes.
- Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what I think about in the bathroom.

I think about all that,
and I cry.

Because I have nothing
better to do than fuck you.

# Seventeen, seventeen #

# Seventeen years old
This can't be happening #

# Seventeen, seventeen #

You're dumping me?

Is this because I didn't
introduce you to my mother?

# La, la, la, la
la, la, la #

# La, la, la, la
la, la, la ##

You're a fickle broad,


Holy shit.
If it isn't mon frere.

The usual vault rules apply:
Touch not, lest ye be touched.

You're such an
anal retentive bastard.

I tried to teach you how to handle
comics in the sixth grade, but oh, no...

you wanted to play
Little League instead.

- What's that?
- Like it? I framed it before you got here.

Oh, my God!
Rene dumped you.

Hell hath no fury
like a woman's scorn for Sega.

Wow, look at this
laundry list of complaints.

"You have no direction;
no college ambition; no job prospect."

It also says I have no dick, but you'll
notice that follows the financial question...

proving once more
what women really look for.

- She calls you callow.
- You say that like it's bad.

Well, it means
"frightened and weak-willed."


Shit. That was the only part of the
letter I thought was complimentary.

Ah, well, you're lucky.

Unlike you, I didn't even get
a letter with obscure adjectives.

What are you
telling me here?

I, too, now am in
the framing business.

- Holy shit. Brandi dumped you?
- Yeah.

- Aren't you two supposed to go to Florida?
- We should've left this morning.

Oh, it gets worse.
I was gonna propose to her.

- Where?
- On the Universal tour.

You're kidding!
What part?

When Jaws pops out
of the water.

That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.

Well, too bad I'm not
trying to marry you.

Let me ask you something.
Did you ever fart in front of her?

Why do you ask?

I never farted
in front of Rene, not once.

Then last week, I let one slip.
Today, she dumps me.

You think that
that's why Rene dumped you?

Come on, she's not
the shallow type.

- She was going down on me at the time.
- Shut up!

What can I say?
I was feeling very relaxed.

- When I'm relaxed... I squirt.
- Ohh!

- If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
- I can't believe this shit.

Why are we trying to figure out where we
went wrong with our significant others?

We nailed it,
in your case.

There is something out there that can
help ease our simultaneous double loss.

- Ritual suicide?
- No, you idiot! The fuckin' mall!

- I prefer ritual suicide.
- Come on, it'll be great.

They got these new cookies
at the cookie stand. They're awesome.

# She's forever blowing
bubbles out of the way ##

I love the smell
of commerce in the morning!

- Wow, you're really making that last.
- Waste not, want not.

- You wanna say something?
- Yeah, about a million things.

But I can't express myself monosyllabically
enough for you to understand 'em all.

- Asshole.
- Prick!

- Fuck you.
- What was that all about?

He's the jerk from Fashionable Male, this
upscale, wanna-be shop on the second floor.

He's the manager. The guy's always
giving me shit. I have no idea why.

- Thought everybody loved you at this mall.
- "F" him.

- Where do you wanna go first?
- Back to Brandi's.

Brandi is the past, my friend.
She's behind you now.

You face forward, or you face
the possibility of shock and damage.

- You should learn to heed your own advice.
- Where did that come from?

- What's going on here?
- Looks like a stage is being erected.

- What is this monstrosity?
- Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.

Impossible! The Easter Bunny corner
is down at the other end of the mall.

It's been up since two days
after Christmas. I want answers!

- Ask one of the workers.
- No. There's a soul who might know what's up.


- Willam!
- Booby-trapped!

Brodie, man, what's goin' on?
You work here now?

- No, man, just hanging with T.S.
- Oh, T.S.

- Willam, what exactly are you doing?
- Looking for the hidden picture.

If you stare long enough,
you're supposed to see some hidden...


- Oh, yeah, look, it's a sailboat.
- You saw it too? Damn it!

- What?
- I've been staring at this thing for a week now...

- and I can't see a goddamn thing!
- You gotta relax your eyes.

Everyone sees this thing except me.
Today's my day. I brought a lunch and a soda.

I'm not gonna leave until I see this
sailboat everyone keeps talking about.

So, Willam, would you
happen to know...

what this stage business
is all about?

It's not a stage! I'm gonna see it
if I have to go blind trying.

No, man, this stage
over here.

Oh, that thing. Some game show in the
mall today. I think it's gonna be on TV.

It's called Truth or Date
or something.

- Oh, my God! That's Brandi's father's game show.
- What is it?

It's this cheesy Dating Game rip-off thing.
It's supposed to be for college kids.

Trying to capture the 90s youth market
with a staple of 70s television.

Why can't they bring back or remake
good shows like B.J. And The Bear?

Now, there's a concept I can't get
enough of; a man and his monkey.

Would you guys shut up?
You're breaking my concentration.

- Sorry, Willam.
- Now I have to start all over again.

- Good luck with that thing.
- Yeah, man, remember, relax your eyes.

- Wow, a sailboat.
- Shut up!

Could this week get any worse?

- Now she's gonna be auctioned off on live TV from a mall.
- Not a mall. The mall.

Show some respect. But it doesn't have to
go down like that if we trash the thing.

There's a unique way of getting back in her
good graces... ruining her father's show.

I can get somebody
to do it for us.

We'll be blame-free and Brandi
won't be able to do the show.

- Who is this imaginary hatchet man?
- Hatchet men.

Knock it off.
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

- Hey, Jay!
- Brodie, man. Noochie-noochies.

And look at this shit.
The mad, fat chick killer.

Can't believe how fast word travels
in this town. What's he doing?

Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi and
he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick.

Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit
with his thoughts. Knock it off!

- The force is strong with this one.
- Don't encourage him.

I was just telling T.S.
we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob.

If there's any one that can help us out, it's
the two guys who have less to do than us.

What is this shit?
Everyone's looking for us today.

We're duckin' Tricia 'cause she wants to
talk to Obi-Wan about her video setup.

- Why him?
- Silent Bob's an electrical genius.

He won the science fair
in eighth grade...

by turning his mom's vibrator into a
CD player using chicken wire and shit.

Motherfucker's like MacGyver... No,
motherfucker's better than MacGyver! Knock it off!

- It's that kind of smarts we need, right, Mopey?
- Leave me out of this.

So we need you to embark on a little sabotage
mission on behalf of T.S.'s love life.

Stage dive.

You know about this game show
they got goin' on here?

We need you guys to somehow
ensure that it doesn't happen.

- Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
- Why?

What else we gonna do? Silent Bob
stole the schematic of the stage...

from some foolish carpenter and found a
weakness, just like the fuckin' Death Star.

He figures you pull this crossbeam out...
bickety-bam! The whole stage comes down.

We were thinkin' about somethin' simple, but if
you wanna destroy the stage, we're all for that.

- Only problem is LaFours.
- Who's LaFours?

You don't know LaFours?
They don't know who LaFours is.

LaFours is only the most
feared security guard in the business.

Four hundred and sixty collars, all
convicted. I hear he's even got two kills.

Holy shit. I never thought I'd see the day
when two such reputable mischief makers...

douse their drawers at the sight
of a mall security guard.

Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust
that stage like a high school kegger.

We're just gonna outwit
LaFours, X-Men style.

- Should I call you "Logan," Weapon X?
- No, "Wolverine"!


He's imitating Wolverine's berserker
attack with his adamantium claws.

- I never would've guessed.
- You have your mission. Go forth, wreak havoc.

Bye, baby kitties.
Damn, Silent Bob, show some heart.

That's better. We're on the job.


I have to admit I'm shocked
you didn't try to dissuade them.

I would if I thought
they could pull it off.

Oh, ye of little faith.
Want a cookie?

What's he doing?

If you stare at this poster for a
few seconds, a hidden picture appears.

Can we do it, please, please?

All right, go ahead.
But hurry, the Easter Bunny's waiting.

Wow, it's a schooner.

You dumb bastard.

It's not a schooner;
it's a sailboat.

A schooner is a sailboat,

You know what?
There is no Easter Bunny!

Over there,
that's just a guy in a suit!

- But they're engaged.
- Doesn't matter, it can't happen.

- Why not? It's bound to come up.
- It's impossible.

Lois could never have
Superman's baby.

Do you think her fallopian tubes
could handle his sperm?

I guarantee he blows a load
like a shotgun right through her back.

What about her womb? You think
it's strong enough to carry his child?

- Sure. Why not?
- He's an alien, for Christ's sake!

His Kryptonian biological makeup
is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun.

If Lois gets a tan, the kid
could kick right through her stomach.

Only someone like Wonder Woman has a
strong-enough uterus to carry his kid.

Only way he could bang regular chicks is with
a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.

How is it I go from the verge
of hot Floridian sex with Brandi...

to Man of Steel coital debates
with you in the food court?

- Cookie stand is not part of the food court.
- Of course it is.

The food court is downstairs;
the cookie stand is upstairs.

We're not talking
quantum physics here.

The cookie stand counts as an eatery;
the eatery's part of the food court.

Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the
square downstairs qualify as food court.

Anything outside
of said designated square...

is considered an autonomous unit
for mid-mall snacking.

If you're gonna wax intellectual
about the subject... Holy shit!

- Wait here.
- Where you going?

Chercher la femme.

- That would look terrible on you.
- Didn't I dump your ass this morning?

Look, I know you've had some time to
think about the mistake you've made...

and I just wanna let you know
you don't have to apologize.

is your inability to function on the same
plane of existence as the rest of us.

Piss off.

Okay, okay, I see you wanna continue
with this charade of ending our union.

Fine, I'll play along. If we're divorced,
we're gonna have to divide our possessions.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You have my Punisher War Journal number six,
my copy of Fletch, and the remote to my TV.

It's gonna be hard to give this stuff up
because of its sentimental attachment...

Sentimental attachment? If I have that crap,
it's 'cause you brought it over and left it.

- Let's talk about a schedule for visitation rights?
- For what?

For the mall. You can have the odd days,
I'll take the even days and weekends.

- When there's any special function like a sidewalk sale...
- Brodie. Brodie!

I have always taken you
with a grain of salt.

Your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease
to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay.

On prom night, you asked me to sleep under
the bed in case your mother burst in, I did.

And even when we were at my grandmother's
funeral and you told my relatives...

that you could see her nipples through
her burial dress, I let it slide.

But if you think I'm gonna suffer
any more of your shit with a smile...

you're in for some serious
fucking disappointment.


Phase one. You take a run at
LaFours with a sock full of quarters.

I'd do it, but I pulled my back out
humping your mom last night.

You clock him on his headpiece
and knock his ass out cold.

That's when phase two kicks in. I attack
the structure, Wolvie-berserk style...

knock out the fuckin' pin, and
bickety-bam... the motherfucker's rubble.

Hence, no game show.

Ah, fuck!

You know that kid?

- I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues.
- What is with you today?

I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother
should suffer that horrific ordeal...

- so she'll learn how to manage her child!
- Sort of a harsh lesson.

Man, there's not
a year goes by...

that I don't read about some escalator
accident involving some bastard kid...

that could've been easily avoided had
some parent... I don't care which one...

but some parent conditioned him
to fear and respect that escalator!

Wow, look who it is.

- Jerk.
- Little Tricia Jones.

What's a pretty girl like you doing alone in
the middle of this monument to consumerism?

Updating my calendar and waiting
for Jay and Silent Bob.

And I suppose you're here
with no agenda, as per usual.

On the contrary, I'm here for comics.
T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones.

- They call her Trish the Dish.
- Nobody calls me that.

Our little Tricia here is only 15,
but somehow she's a senior.

How'd you manage that?

- Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.
- Yeah, right.

- So, what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. or what?
- Jesus, Brodie!

Calm down. Tricia's compiling data for this
book she's writing about the sex drive of men...

ages 14 to 30.

If I remember correctly, it's titled Bore-gasm:
Study of the Nineties' Male Sexual Prowess.

Ready to get sick?
Tell him about the advance you got.

Pendant Publishing gave me $20,000 based
on a treatment and a sample chapter.

- You're kidding.
- She'll be the youngest author to tackle the subject.

Tricia here sleeps
with a bunch of guys as research.

- And if that's not enough, she videotapes all of them.
- What?

I get everybody's consent
before we do it.

Most guys get off on it.
Men are easily amused.

Wh-What are you writing
in the calendar?

- I was coding last night's research.
- She means sex.

I know what she meant!
What kind of codes?

Here, look. The smiley face
is for when I go down on a guy.

The smiley face with lashes
is for when the guy goes down on me.

The circle is when we have sex. The circle
with the "X" is for when I have an orgasm.

The little house is when we do it
inside, and the grass is for outside.

That kid is back
on the escalator again!

How old was last night's subject,
if you don't mind?

Twenty-five. It was the guy who runs
that store Fashionable Male.

- Holy shit! You slept with that asshole?
- I needed a 25-year-old.

- And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add.
- He mentioned me during sex?

Afterwards. He says he wants to kick your
ass. I'd steer clear of him if I were you.

- Tell me you videotaped him saying that.
- No.

I shut the camera off after the sex. You
should've heard the stuff he wanted to do.

I'm having a hard time with this.
Do your parents know about this?

- Of course.
- It's remarkable.

That's criminal. That kid...
that kid is back on the escalator again!

- Would you leave it alone?
- What?

I heard you were going to propose
to Brandi Svening in some theme park.

When are men going to learn
women want romance...

not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?

Be fair, all right? Everyone wants
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

We gotta go.

And remember my offer. I'm young,
virile, sensitive to a woman's needs.

Somehow I doubt it, Sega boy.
Good luck with the comic book store.

"Sega boy."

God, Rene's got a big mouth. What does that
mean, "Good luck with the comic book store"?

How does that junior Masters and Johnson
know about my proposal?

- It's not like she's in an exclusive club.
- What are you talking about?

- Sean Hartle's giving everyone the inside scoop.
- What's he saying?

How her father made her do the game show
so you couldn't take her to Florida.

Now what the hell
is this shit?

What do you gotta do to get comics
around this place? One side, Red!

- Hey, what the hell's going on here?
- I was warned about you.

- Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
- What are you talking about?

- Tell him, Steve Dave!
- Fuck you, fan-boy!

You two testosterone-seething, he-man
comic book fans finish up with this.

- I got some questions that need answering.
- Who's in there?

- You gotta ask me nicely.
- Fuck you!

- Brodie, get the hell off.
- Come on!

You fuckers think that 'cause a guy
reads comics, he can't start some shit!

I'll fuckin' take all you on!

Somebody get a medic! There's
a little boy caught in the escalator!

- Come back here and arrest this goon!
- You're fucking next!

- I'm not going anywhere until I find out why I can't get my comics.
- All right.

- Excuse me?
- Don't hit me.

- Why is there a line?
- Stan Lee's signing comics.

Stan Lee?

Okay, lunch box,
let's try this again.

We tie you to the roof and you jump off and
sail like a spitfire passing over LaFours.

You then swing up to the stage
and knock out the pin.

When that's gone, the stage is trashed,
and we go smoke a bowl. You got it?

Now, get your fat ass up there. And,
dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.

Fly, fatass, fly!

What the fuck!

You fucker!

Security? This is Popular Girl.
We had something crash through the wall.

How does something as big as the creator of
the most important titles in comics history...

coming to my mall
get by me?

I must be slipping in my old age.
The name amongst names.

- God, there's a million questions I'd love to ask him.
- Her father.

I knew this game show was just a beard
for an attempt at breaking us up.

Why can't he leave us alone and let us
follow through with our plans?

What kind of man
are you anyway?

I'm talkin' comics, and you bring up
chicks and romance.

While we're on the subject, why get
married now anyway? You're in college.

I was just gonna propose. The wedding
wouldn't be 'til after we graduate.

Waste of time. My grandmother always said, "Why
buy the cow when you get the sex for free?"

- She did?
- All the time.

Of course she became a lesbian on her 60th
birthday, but that's beside the point.

Where the hell are these two
going in such a hurry?

- Is he gone?
- Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

Damn, that bastard's faster
than Walt Flanagan's dog.

- What's with all the running?
- What the hell happened to him?

The human brown-eye here
is a walking calamity.

We gotta take a pass on stage trashing
business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself.

- Sorry, bro.
- No hard feelings. Isn't that Rene?

Oh, yeah. She's probably
looking for me. I better go talk to her.

I don't know. She's with somebody.
Wait a minute. Isn't...

The asshole
from Fashionable Male! Son of a bitch!

- You think that they're...
- Could be. It'll explain why he hates me so much.

There's one way to find out.
Can you run interference with the lug?

- What are you gonna do?
- Get some answers.

You work at the Fashionable Male,
don't you?

Yeah. So?

Uh, that's a great store
you got there.

Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend
my lunch hour with my lady friend.

So, why don't
you beat it?

Oh, that's your girlfriend
right there?

If you don't stop gawking at me and get the
hell outta here, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Haven't you heard the phrase,
"The customer's always right"?

Let me tell you something.
The customer's always an asshole!

- Jesus Christ!
- What the hell gives with the cover boy?

None of your business, but he'll kick
your ass if he knows what you pulled.

Are you insane? The guy looks like
a date rapist. Is that my jacket?

- Start the elevator.
- Not until you tell me the situation...

with you and
the Sperminator!

- How long's this been going on?
- Since I mustered the good sense to send you packing.

- He's a much more suitable companion than you any day.
- Are you nuts?

The guy's pure testosterone. He's
a walking hard-on looking for a hole.

I'm need testosterone after baby-sitting
you. I forgot what real men were like.

I can't believe you have the nerve
to come to my mall and pick up guys!

Oh, no. Shannon did the picking up. He's
already taken me to lunch at the Cheese Haus...

purchased tickets for the opera tonight,
and brought me to stores I wanna shop in!

I took you shopping
all the time!

You took me where
you went shopping!

You think I care what store in that shitpit
dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs?

Do you call eating pizza in the same
dive pizzeria every night eating out?

Do I give a shit what two comic
labels are crossing over characters...

selling two editions of the book
in varied-ink chromium covers?

I'm a girl, damn it!
I wanna do girly things!

Like fix up someone's hair and get phone
calls expressing romantic sentiments!

- I call you all the time!
- "My mom's asleep. Come over." You call that romantic?

When was the last time you pulled out
my chair, or told me I was beautiful?

And this guy does
all this in a day?

- This guy already introduced me to his mother.
- Really?

He was at work by 9:00 this morning, unlike
my ex-boyfriend who would sleep until 1:00...

because all he did was play Sega all night long,
which has an enormous effect on your libido.

- Now you attack my libido?
- There's no libido to attack.

"No libido to attack"?

- You sure you saw her get on, right?
- Maybe she was getting off.

# Why do you build me up #

# Why do ya, baby
just to let me down Mess me around #

# Yeah, worst of all you never call
baby when you say you will ##

- Ow!
- Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

There, that was romantic, right?

- Passionate, yeah.
- No, Brodie, that was too little, too late.

Too little?
You said it was a good size!

The effort, you retard.
The effort was too little, too late.

But now that you mention it,
when a girl says it's a good size...

- it's a nice way of saying it's small.
- Hey!

Hey! Oh, my. I'm gonna kill
that son of a bitch!

No, no, forget about him. He wanted to give
me something he forgot to give me long ago.

He's harmless now, okay?

Fine. I gotta get back
to the store. Let's go.

- Right there in the elevator?
- I don't know what came over me.

She challenged my libido. I felt obligated
to defend myself against her accusations.

- Oh. It's not like you still wanted her or anything.
- Not in the least. I'm over her.

- Holy shit. You really love that girl.
- Yeah, right.

I never noticed it before,
but she really fuels your engine.

- There's this new glow about you.
- I don't have a glow.

- You're glowing.
- If I have any glow, it's because I just got laid.

I'd look the same if I banged anyone in
that elevator, present company excluded.

Deny it all you want. You're too proud
to admit you want her back.

I suddenly want something
very bad to happen to you.

- What is your problem? I don't understand...
- Ow!

- What is your problem? I don't understand...
- Ow!

- Oh, Gwen, I'm sorry.
- You fucker!

See? That's what you get
for fuckin' with me.

Hey, Gwen, he didn't
really mean to hit you.

He's got a funny way of showing it
by elbowing me in my freaking tit.

- Why the hell are you glowing?
- I'm not glowing.

Brandi dumped him.

Would you stop saying that?
- I heard.

- You heard? How?
- She told me. I ran into her a few minutes ago.

- Where?
- By the stage.

Do you want me to rub it?

Work with me, people!
Would you, please?

No, no, I want this
more towards the front.

The rug keeps popping up. If I
put the podium there, it'll stay down.

Give me the podium!

You put the podium
down over here.

Like this. And you stamp
the carpet down with your feet.

You speak English?
Like this. Huh?

Mr. Svening. Let me help you up.

Get off! Move!

- All right, where's Brandi?
- Let go of me!

Where's Brandi?

You're fired.
You get the hell outta here.

Get off my set!

- Where is she?
- You are out of her life.

Now, you stay out of her business
and mine. Understand me?

People, are we working here? Get the
backdrop ready. Those lights ready to go?

Excuse me.
You go on the other side.

You put the podium
over the bad spot in the carpet.

- Uh-huh.
- Go, please, now.

So you made her dump me and now you're gonna
auction her off to further your own career?

Not that it's any of your concern, but
Brandi agreed to be on Truth or Date.

After the shit you pulled last night,
she's looking forward to it.

It'll give her a chance
to find herself a decent guy.

- Somebody with a brain.
- So you admit it. You are behind our break-up.

Admit it? Hell, I'm as proud of it
as I am this game show here.

T.S., listen to me.

It's over between you two.

The sooner you get that,
the better off we're all gonna be.

Understand me?
You don't.

Guard, come here.
Get this guy off my set.

If he gives you any shit, you have
my permission to castrate him.

- You can't do this!
- I just did.

- Get me LaFours.
- Right away, sir.

Well, go on!

- How 'bout these?
- Very sexy.

- That sounds convincing.
- I'm preoccupied.

T.S., she told you.
She's doing it as a favor to her father.

- Regardless...
- It's not like she'll fuck the guy on public access.

- She might as well.
- You're overreacting again.

You know, that's why your relationships
fail. It's certainly why ours did.

You got bent out of shape the same way
over that costume party in high school.

You fucked Rick Deras
on a pool table with everyone watching.

It was a costume party, T.S.
No one could tell it was me.

Besides, who else but you
remembers shit like that?

- I would've been a sexy chick.
- Brodie, you remember that costume party?

Might that have been the one where you
banged Rick Deras on the pool table?

- Nobody remembers that?
- How is it that you recall the most trivial events?

I'll never forget it; how many chances do
you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?

- Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
- Except for the moustache.

They have a whole room
you're supposed to do that in.

Well, some pervert wanted to see me naked
so badly, he busted in on me twice.

- This saves some of the effort.
- Oh. Oh!

How much longer we gonna be in this chick
store? I'm startin' to get a mean hard-on.

Brodie, tell me
about the Rene breakup.

- I threw her away like a parking ticket.
- Ha!

Don't front, Brodie. I talked to Rene's
cousin this morning. It was vice versa.

They certainly aren't acting broken up.
Ask him about the elevator.

- Tell me about the elevator.
- It goes up and down.

- Rene seems so coarse anyway. What was it like to date her?
- Ever slept with somebody?

- Uh, yeah.
- No, I mean really slept with somebody.

Beside them, not just fucked them
on a gaming table.

- We slept together one time in high school, the ski trip.
- That was you?

Yes, Brodie, I have slept
beside many people.

You know how when someone
lays with their back to you...

and you lay behind them really close
and you throw one arm over them?

- It's called spooning.
- Yeah, but you gotta put the other arm somewhere.

You can either lay on it
or shove it between your bodies.

The only other option is
to stretch it above your head.

But sometimes my arm pops out
of socket when I'm sleeping like that.

So I was constantly searching for someplace to
keep my arm while still laying close to her.

- And?
- What do you mean, "And"?

That's like a metaphor
for our whole relationship.

I'm all out. I'll meet you
at the food court.

I know exactly how he feels.
Excuse me.

Fill this with Coke,
no ice.

Want a sip of my soda?

Smart-ass ex-boyfriend.

Now, I got two things to tell you.

One: I don't like you.
I see you every week in this mall.

I don't like
shiftless layabouts.

You're one of these
loser fuckin' mallrat kids.

You don't come down here to work or shop; you
hang out all day, act like you fuckin' live here.

I have no respect for people
with no shopping agenda.

Is this is what's known
as motivated salesmanship?

Rene told me to leave you alone,
but she's fuckin' clueless.

You see, Bruce...

I like to pick up girls on the rebound
from a disappointing relationship.

They're more vulnerable,
in much more need of solace.

And they're fairly open
to suggestion.

And I use that to fuck them some place
fairly uncomfortable.

What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?

No. Like someplace
girls dread.

Hey, whoa.

- Did we ever get along?
- Once or twice.

- How come we went out as long as we did?
- You had cable.

- You gonna stay for the show?
- Absolutely not. As soon as he gets back here, I'm gone.

T.S. Quint, where's
your sense of chivalry?

Oh, my God,
is that Brodie?

You're fuckin' kidding?
The Easter Bunny did this?

All I said was "The Easter Bunny at the
Menlo Park Mall was more convincing,"

- and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
- He's dead!

- Let it go. He's under a lot of pressure.
- What happened to him?

- The Easter Bunny kicked his ass.
- I had it coming.

- Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
- What really happened?

The proprietor of Fashionable Male
beat a rain check into my stomach.

- Shannon Hamilton?
- You know that guy?

I went out with him after we dated. He tried
to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable.

- Like the back of a Volkswagen?
- Sounds like his M.O.

- Can you get up?
- Am I still glowing?

Barely breathing.
Was Rene involved in this?

This was an independent
act of aggression.

He told me that his intentions
were to penetrate my ex-girlfriend...

- in the most notorious of body cavities.
- Sounds like him.

- You better tell Rene.
- If she's not smart enough to see him for what he is...

then she deserves
the discomfort.

I have had just about all
the discomfort I can stand for a day.

- I'm late. I gotta go.
- You're just gonna leave with him in this condition?

- You gonna be okay, Brodie?
- Couple pins in the hip, I'll be as good as new.

That's my boy.
Bye, guys. Be good.

Women. Always leaving you when you've
just had the crap kicked out of you.

You look like you're gonna live.
Stay here. I gotta hit the bathroom.

Please, don't say "hit."

# Here comes
Mister Easter Bunny #

All right, honey. Don't forget to look
for your Easter eggs on Sunday.

- Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.
- All right, who's next?

It's hot
in this goddamn suit.

Hey, guys, wait in line like
everybody else. What the hell is this?

This is for Brodie.

Oh, God.

- He's here.
- What?

- Him and Brodie.
- Don't sweat it. He's leaving. Oh.

He seems really broken up
over this whole thing.

Maybe because we're broken up
for good this time.

I remember when I dumped T.S., I was all
right with it until he started dating you.

- A little jealousy residue?
- I thought so, at first.

Then I realized
it was more than that.

When I saw how he was with you, how
well you two complimented each other...

it finally hit me
that T.S. is a great catch.

Gwen, you were always
cheating on him.

Capricious youth. Doesn't mean
I wasn't regretful about it.

Jesus, Gwen, the last thing I need at
this point is a lecture on my love life.

All I'm saying is that the really
good guys are few and far between.

In fact, I haven't
met one since T.S.

Even if I did meet one, I'd use
him as a basis for my comparison.

- You can have him if you want him.
- I might consider trying.

If he weren't
so hung up on you.

Well, I gotta get home.

- Have a great show.
- Okay. Bye.

Chocolate covered pretzel?

This is Roddy,
Mr. "Zvening's" assistant.

- Mr. Svening would like to have a word with you.
- Where?

- These are melting.
- Copy that. By the stage.

Tell him I'll be there
in a minute.

- What do you think?
- I don't trust it.

Maybe he's calmed down.
We'll talk about it reasonably.

Reasonably, schmeasonably. You should
go over there and give him shit.

- I'm trying to marry his daughter.
- So you can't scream at him.

- But after all he's done to you, you should stick it to him.
- How do I do that?

- You stink-palm him.
- Stink-palm?

You take your hand
and you stick it in your ass.

You been walkin' all day and you're
nervous, so you'll be sweaty as hell.

You should see yourself. A grown man
with his hand down his pants.

I probably look like
my old man.

You shake hands with the guy.
"Hey, Mr. Svening. How've you been?"

- What's the point?
- You know how long it takes for that smell to come off?

Scrub all you like,
it'll stick around for two days.

How does he explain it
to his colleagues and family?

They'll think he doesn't
know how to wipe his ass.

- Meanwhile, you are left with a hand that smells like shit.
- Small price to pay...

- for the smiting of one's enemies.
- I think I'll pass.

Do me a favor.
Stay here while I go talk to him.

I assure you tonight's program
will go off without a hitch.

I hope so, for your sake. You picked
a dangerous mall to host a game show in.

- I hear the Easter Bunny was accosted this morning.
- If there is anything...

remotely resembling the kind of trouble
you had at the Governor's Ball...

you're gonna be hosting the Lotto drawing
on public access the rest of your career.

Gentlemen, please,
trust me.

I have just taken
the necessary precautions...

to ensure everything
will go smoothly.

Look out!

Whoa, uh...

Noth-Nothin' to worry about. Nothin'
to worry about. Sound test. Sound test.

I'll tell you what.
Why don't, uh...

Why don't I meet you back here
around show time, huh?

- Somebody said you wanted to see me?
- Quint.

I accept the fact
that you no doubt fucked my daughter.

The two of you have been
dating long enough...

for you to have slimed
your way into her panties...

and I am sure you did just that at
least once or twice in my own house...

probably while
I was at home.


has a bright future.

She is an extremely...

and capable girl.

And I'm sure that one day
she'll be even more successful than me.


But you...

You, on the other hand...

have absolutely
no ambition.


And no chance of making it
in the real world.

My daughter...
is too good for you.

You will never, ever,
be with her. Hmm?

So, if there isn't anything else...

- Hey, fellas!
- Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbor.

Mr. Svening, how've you...

Damn! Would you feel that iron grip
handshake. Like Burt Reynolds and shit.

So, what's goin' on here?

Oh, well, T.S. and I were just
discussing a few of his lesser points.

Of which he does have many.
Hey, look at that ring.

- What is that?
- That is um... my Junior College class ring.

- Cum Laude, '69.
- I hope to come loud one day, preferably in a 69.

Say, would you like
a chocolate covered pretzel?

They're a little melty,
but damn, are they exquisite.

And if I remember correctly,
you're a big pretzel fan.

- Uh, dark, uh, chocolate?
- Yeah.

- No, oh, no.
- Oh, come on!

- No, no, please, son.
- Here you go.


Thank you.

Mmm. Oh.

That's good.
Good, good.

Very nice.

And, you know, being a man...

who believes in one good turn
deserves another.

Hmm? I have something
to offer...

- the both of you.
- Really? What's that?

Oh, well.

- What is this?
- I think they're called handcuffs.

Once I realized the both of you
were in the mall together...

I decided to set up
this little ambush...

to remove you
and your...

sidekick here
from the premises permanently.

Hey, why am I his sidekick?
How do you know he's not my sidekick?

You're nothin'
but a lot of talk in a badge.

Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob!

- Hurry!
- Did somebody call your name?

Um... look, I have to go
to the bathroom. Wait here, okay.

Hey, anything for you, babe.
It's your day.


What you need is a fatty,
boombatty blunt.

Then I guarantee you'd see
a sailboat, an ocean...

and maybe some of them big-titted
mermaids doin' some of that lesbian shit.

Look at me,
you sloppy bitch!

Dude, you are a mad chick magnet.

Uh... T.S., Brodie, security guards.

Under arrest!
They need help! Go!

Wow, a sailboat.

- Brenda?
- Dick!

This is illegal.
You can't arrest us for nothing.

Oh, all right. I believe
when Mr. LaFours...

turns us over to the police, the bag of
contraband he's found on our persons...

will give them more than enough reason to keep
us locked up for the duration of the show.

Isn't that right,
Mr. LaFours?

Come, son of Jor-El.
Kneel before Zod!

Snootchy bootchies.

- Vulcan nerve pinch?
- That was close!

- What about that stink palm? He even licked his hand.
- We gotta disappear.

They're gonna be
looking for us.

Thank you, man.
We owe you one.

- You wanna hide. I know just the place.
- Let's just go!

- Don't I even get to wash my hand first?
- Brodie!

What the shit
are we gonna do?


Yeah. Come on, we're fucked.
They're right behind us. Come on.

Yeah! Badass!

Where do you get
those wonderful toys?

This is where
we're hiding out?

Hey, man, this is
the dirt mall. Cops never come in here.

Neither does any
self-respecting consumer.

- I never could figure out what you saw in this place.
- Good buys. Great people.

Earthy aromas.
Hey, Walt!

- Brodie.
- They know me here.

- I wouldn't be too proud of that.
- Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice.

Might have something to do
with the fact that I've been defeated.

You're giving up? You? You used to be a
stand-up guy. What happened to that guy?

The guy who punched Amanda Gross's
mother after she called him "low class."

- That wasn't me, that was you.
- Oh, yeah.

It wasn't her mother.
It was her grandmother.

No wonder the bitch
went down so fast. Hey!

These should have boards in them.
All right. Bloody savage.

And that is one of your more
admirably deplorable traits.

You, unlike me, would beat up
somebody's grandmother...

or an entire senior citizens
community for that matter.

Yeah, but only
if they were really old.

Maybe I was deluded.

Or maybe you were right when you said
if something stupid like that...

could trip up Brandi's feelings
for me, that she's not into it.

You're gonna listen to me?
To something I said? Jesus, man!

Haven't I made it clear during the tenure
of our friendship that I don't know shit?

Half the time I'm just talking out
of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.

Sometimes, yes, but on occasion you've been
known to let a nugget of truth slip out.

- I think this morning might have been one of those occasions.
- You know what you need?

- Some sage-like advice.
- You've given me enough for one day, thanks.

Not from me.
From Ivannah.

Who's Ivannah?

- I can't even find the words.
- Is that ingenuity or what?

- What does palm reading have to do with being topless?
- Makes the news easier to take.

She could tell me I was gonna die in ten
minutes, so long as she told me topless.

Your maleness
amazes me sometimes.

What can I say?
I love tits.

- What kind of people patronize this service?
- People like us.

- You're not suggesting you...
- Come on! Don't be such a damned fundamentalist.

I've already reached my lowest today.
This is where I draw the line.

- You used to like tits too.
- Hey, I love tits as much as the next guy...

but why would I wanna pay some old hag good
money for some supernatural chicanery...

coupled with sagging,
wrinkled, weathered boobs?

Man, this place
is something out of Octopussy.

You've come
for a glimpse at your future?

Amongst other things.

Talents like those I possess
are not to be taken lightly.

If you have heart condition,
suffer from nervous nausea...

or have a family history
of stress-induced breakdowns...

Empire Entertainment

you do not partake in the fortune-telling
activities contained within.

You guys still in?

We're both healthy
and strapping young men.

You give me 58 dollar,
60 cents.

What? You expect me to pay for this?

- I'm broke. I'll pay you back.
- Oh, my God, I knew it!

- I can't believe you. I didn't even wanna do this.
- You'll thank me later.

Thank you.


All right, gentlemen, free your mind.

- I'd like to free something.
- "Fuckus."

That's what I was thinking.

- She said "focus."
- Whatever.

I sense a grave disturbance
between you both.

A difficulty
in affecting a resolution...

for a problem.

- Something hard.
- I'm convinced.

- She's got the gift.
- Try to contain yourself.

Look, Miss, I appreciate the effort. I'm
sure you're good at whatever it is you do.

But my shallow friend isn't exactly interested
in his future, so cut the theatrics.

What a relief.

I do so much better when I don't have
to say things in character.

You don't have to
say anything at all.

You paid. I should tell you something.
But in order to do that...

I have to work completely...


Ahh. Ohh, yes.

Oh, I can definitely
sense the problem here...

girl trouble.

Apparently, you're both
on the outs...

with your
respective steadies.

- Th-That's amazing.
- That's disgusting!

Oh, you both feel the pains...

ow... of loss.

But only one of you
makes it vocal.

The other one...
suffers silently.

- My God, you're right.
- We gotta go.

How can this be resolved?

I would say...

yes, combine your efforts.

- That's what I see.
- Let me tell you what I see.

- That's great.
- Look, I don't buy her power. When's my birthday?


Between the first
and last...

of October.

- Did you hear that?
- Very haunting. Let's go.

Miss Ivannah, why are you stuck here
in this dirt mall?

How come you're not in some larger,
upscale commercial setting?

You could be raking in the dough
with your kind of accuracy.

Well, believe it or not, some people
still frown on topless fortune telling.

And unfortunately,
it's the only way that I'm effective.

- Really?
- Well, it's the third nipple that does it.

Oh, you have
a third nipple?

What are you talking about?
It's as clear as day! Look at it!

You can stare at it.
I don't mind.

- No.
- Understanding is reached...

only after confrontation.

Of course!
Miss Ivannah, thank you.

I can't tell you how informative
you've been. Thank you very much.

- Don't ever lose that nipple.
- I won't.

- Do you have...
- Any other extra body parts? No.

- Just curious.
- You could double-check me, if you like.

- Really? Really.
- Come on!

Works every time.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're gonna what?
- Get on her father's game show.

Last time Svening had dope planted on
us. What do you think he's going to do?

He can't touch us once the thing starts.
It's a live feed.

- He can't risk losing face in front of the network execs.
- It can't happen.

I'm gonna make it happen. Understanding
is reached only after confrontation.

Brandi will respond
to confrontation.

Aren't you the guy that broke up
with Brandi Svening?

What the hell is your problem?
You're supposed to be the impetuous one!

- Why you fighting me?
- I'm being rational.

- You're scared that you might wanna follow my lead and win Rene back.
- Rene who?

Just do me a favor. Meet me by the stage once
the show starts. I'm gonna need your help.

- Where're you going?
- Shopping.

What the hell
am I supposed to do?

Dude, this looks
like your mom.

I've been looking all over
for you two.

- We're hiding.
- In a bookstore?

- Last place anyone'd look for me and this tubby bitch.
- I need your help.

- You two up for getting stoned?
- Look who you're asking.

You, uh, looking
at that couple inside?

Actually, I was just looking
at this little pink number over here.

Oh, yeah,
that's kinda nice.

- They look happy, don't they?
- What, the bras?

No, the couple.
They look happy.

I guess,
as far as couples go.

You know, it reminds me
of an issue of Spiderman I did.

When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy
went lingerie shopping.

Of course, the Green Goblin showed up and
pumpkin-bombed the hell out of the place.

But aside from that,
it's pretty much the same thing.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

- Aren't you...
- Oh. Stan Lee. Hi.

- What's up, boys? Youse guys on this show?
- That's the rumor.

Man, between hoping to win,
the crowd out there, and being on TV...

- I'd be scared as hell if I were youse two.
- Yeah?

What if you fuck up?
Your friends and family watchin'.

I'd be piss-scared I'd get a boner
or fuckin' fart or somethin'.

He's got a point, man. This is live.
Anything could happen.

Shut the fuck up, man.
You're making me nervous.

There's only one thing
that could take off that edge.

Make you feel relaxed as hell. Make you forget
how many people are staring at you on TV.

And what's that?

Snootchy bootchy noochies.

The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards.
Can his whole body stretch?

- Every part, like his...
- I know what you mean.

We never really tackled
stuff like that in the old days.

I mean, what with
the comic book code and all.

I can't believe I'm standing here talking
to you. You're responsible for the greats.

- Let's do the list. Spiderman?
- Guilty.

- The Incredible Hulk?
- 'Fraid so.

- Oh, man, this is so cool. The X-Men?
- Now that you mention it.

Shit, man, you are a god!

Hey, look at that couple.
Boy, they sure seem to be in love, huh?

What's with that? That's the second time
you've commented on couples in love.

I like that sort of thing. Tell me,
do you have a girlfriend, Brodie?

Had one.
We just broke up.

The Thing! Is his dork made of
orange rock like the rest of his body?

It's a superhero's secret.
Tell me, Brodie.

- Why did you and your girlfriend break up?
- She was a pain in the ass.

She wanted me to be
this typical boyfriend guy.

- Said I was too into my own world of comics and all.
- Yeah, I can relate.

There was a time when
it was all about comics for me.

I had a girl,
probably the same as yours.

She always complained that I spent
too much time with my own comics.

And, eventually,
we broke up.

See? What did she know?
Here you are now, a legend in the field.

- Probably had a slew of women since her. Am I right?
- Oh, lots of women.

Jagger and me, we had a running contest
to see who had the most.

Matter of fact,
last time I looked, I was way ahead.

- Damn, that's hot!
- But I never forgot that girl.

- Did you ever get back together?
- One day, I found out she got married.

I had blown it.
I had, uh... missed my window.

No way.
Well, what'd you do?

I went on with my life.

I created some special
new superheroes.

They were characters that reflected
my own heartbreak and my own regrets.

- How so?
- Doctor Doom wears body armor...

- to conceal his own mangled form, right?
- Yeah.

Okay. That was me
beneath the armor.

The Hulk... a normal guy one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.

Just like me when I thought
about what I'd given up.

So you created each character as a way
to deal with your one big regret.

Yeah. The girl
that got away.

Look, do yourself
a favor, Brodie.

Don't wait.
Because all the money, all the women...

even all the comic books in the world...

they can't substitute
for that one person.

- I don't know. All the comics in the world?
- Trust me, true believer.

- Well, good talking to you.
- Keep up all the good work.

You keep reading 'em,
I'll keep writing 'em.

- Hey, Stan.
- Yeah?

- She really meant that much to you?
- Brodie...

I'd give it all up...
all of it...

for just one more day
with her.

Take care.

- Stan.
- Hi.

- I think he bought it.
- What kind of story'd you give him?

Oh, it was the Vulture's soliloquy, you know,
from the Spiderman anniversary issue.

"Love Be A Vulture Tonight."

- I can't thank you enough.
- Oh, forget it.

But, you know, I think you ought
to get him some help.

He seems to be really hung up
on superhero sex organs.

But he'll outgrow it.

I think I felt it move.
Just kidding.

- I need your help.
- With what?

- Let me borrow that tape of Shannon Hamilton.
- Why?

- The future of my relationship depends on it.
- It's at my house.

- Take T.S.'s car. The station wagon.
- I don't have a license.

Just go! Still got
that stage schematic?

I need you to wire something
together for me.

- Jesus, what's with him?
- I don't know. I'm suddenly not feeling too well.

But everything is fine.
We're about to start.

Oh, you are in for something
really special tonight, gentlemen.

I have lined up...

- Excuse me!
- Oh, Jesus.


I've lined up some
really bright kids here.

And this promises to be
a lot of fun.

- I'm sure you're gonna love it.
- Shouldn't you be in bed or something?

No, no, I wouldn't miss this...
for the world.

Go and make sure everybody is ready,
and let's start, huh?

Uh, no, no, no, no.

# I smoke two joints
in the morning #

How much did you smoke?

All it took was a fat, chronic blunt.
These guys were lightweights.

- How much do I owe you?
- My treat.

As long as you promise, next time you pop
your old lady, you make her call you "Jay."

- Snootchy bootchies.
- Let's hope there is a next time.

All right, I'm ready.

You're never gonna believe
who I just met.

- What the hell happened to these two?
- Power of the dark side.

Wait a minute, there's only two. There's supposed
to be three. What happened to the third guy?

- I never saw a third guy.
- Who's this asshole?

- What the hell happened to those guys?
- They got lightheaded.

- You got that right.
- Oh, so what? They gonna cancel the show?

- What do you care?
- I'm supposed to be on it: Gill Hicks, suitor number 3.

We're gonna take their place.
I'm T.S. Quint. This is Brodie Bruce.

- Didn't Svening have you arrested?
- Don't give him any shit!

Something's going on here.
Where's Mr. Svening?

Mr. Svening has come down with a sudden case
of diphtheria. What happened to those two?

Homeboys got a case
of the mad munchies.

- Rowdy Roddy, isn't this the guy Svening had arrested?
- Yes, it is.

All right, Quint. I don't know how you got
back here, but I'm alerting Mr. Svening.

We'll postpone the start
until we figure this out.

You called down the thunder.
Well, now you got it. Security!

- Hey, Roddy.
- What?

- Jesus Christ, you knocked him out.
- Now hit him!

Somebody call security?
What happened to those two?

They got stoned and knocked this guy
out. He needs medical attention.

- That's not what... Ow!
- Have this guy removed. This show's about to start.


Look, dude, no more shit. Just go out
there and woo, and nobody gets hurt!

When Tricia shows up here with
the videotape, get it to Silent Bob.

I'm on it. Wait a sec.
Where is that tubby bitch?

Good evening, and welcome
to Truth or Date.

One match made here
ignites the fires of romance.

Hi. I'm Bob Summers,
your host.

And tonight we'll watch as one
of our three lucky suitors...

woos our beautiful,
eligible suitor-ette.

Ladies and gentlemen,
get ready for romance in the making...

as we introduce
the suitors.

Our first suitor goes to Marymount
College where he majors in economics.

Say hi to Doug Paging.

Do it, Doug!

Our second suitor hails
from Canisius College in Buffalo...

where he majors
in Communications.

Say hi to Rob Feature.

Our final suitor
goes to Rutgers...

where he majors in the fine arts
and Greek mythology.

A nice welcome
for Gill Hicks.

Pay attention, dick.

May the best man win.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...

I would like to introduce
our lovely suitor-ette...

from Monmouth State, where she majors
in Astronomy and Earth Sciences...

a big welcome for
the lovely Brandi Svening.

All right, everybody knows
how the game is played.

Our lovely suitor-ette will ask
a series of questions of our suitors...

and make her decision
based on their answers.

Anything goes.
Brandi, are you ready?

Uh, absolutely, Bob.

Then you may fire
when ready.


Suitor number one.

If you were a car,
what kind of car would you be?

Um, the kind
you never dump your boyfriend in.

Suitor number two.

Can't you call me
the "second suitor."

Suitor number two sounds
like a bathroom code, you know?

Second suitor.

- If we were making whoopie...
- What's whoopie?


Oh, well, uh, if we were...
if we were being intimate...

What, like fucking?


Yeah. If we were, uh...
What kind of noises would you make?

I think that's personal.
I don't think I should answer that.


Uh, suitor number three.
What would our first date be like?

Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping
to stores you'd wanna shop in...

and then we'd do lunch, probably at the
Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing.

And then at night, we'd take in
an opera, probably Die Fleidermaus.

And then I'd follow it all up
with a drive to a secluded beach...

where I'd pop on
the radio...

and then we could slow dance
'til the sun came up.

That was the biggest load
of crap I've ever heard!

Look at you. You're the kind of guy
that would beg for sex.

I should know.
We can smell our own.

Suitor number one.

If we fell in love,
how would you propose to me?

- When Jaws popped out of the water.
- Excuse me?

I'd propose to you right now. I propose that
you stop letting your father run your life...

be true to yourself and not give up
on somebody you know has value.

And take off your socks
when you make whoopie.

He hates it
when you leave 'em on.

- What?
- Hypothetically speaking.

Suitor number one,
you... you sound familiar.

- Like your conscience, maybe.
- Look, lady, you don't know him, all right?

Now make
with the questions.

Suitor number three.

Is your kiss like a soft breeze,
a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

- What's the funny guy doing with his hands?
- I don't wanna know.

What the fuck
is goin' on up there?

Definitely a jackhammer.

I'm in there with some pressure, and when
I'm done, you're not the same as before.

- You're changed.
- Where do you come up with this shit?

That is the cheesiest response
to an honest question I've ever heard.

I saw you kiss and it wasn't
anything like that.

Suitor number two, you have to wait until
you're addressed before you respond.

Richard Dawson, just go back to your
podium until it's time to play the Feud.

- Who'd you see me kiss?
- Some dude backstage. He seemed unimpressed.

I didn't kiss any guy backstage.
I swear. I'm not gay.

Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe;
you heard how repulsed he sounded.

Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend
a vacation with, this hate monger?

- I don't hate gay people.
- So you love them?

- Yes. I mean, no.
- Textbook closet case. Self loather.

Can't be comfortable
with his own sexuality.

- Brodie told me to give this to you.
- Are you watching this shit?

- It's fucked up!
- I don't wanna be here when that tape does what I think it's going to do.

Miss Suitor-ette, how 'bout
you answer a question for me?

- Um, I don't think that...
- How strong are your convictions?

- What are you talking about?
- How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us.

- Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh.
- I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.

Because he's fat? You got something
against fat people too?

Snootchy bootchies.
Are you ready?

Uh, if I have a conviction,
I stick to it.

- Were you ever in love?
- Yes, as a matter of fact.

Oh, really? And what happened
to your boyfriend?

Well, he, uh...
We broke up.

- Why?
- It just didn't work out.

- Were you unhappy?
- Sometimes.

- Why?
- T.S.?

Hey, what about the rest of us?
Why don't you ask me a question?

- Suitor number two.
- What about me?

Aw, Gill, just shut the fuck up.

Second suitor. Would you ever
make whoopie in public?

I already did once today.

But my cousin Walter
jerked off in public once. True story.

He was on a plane to New Mexico, when
all of a sudden the hydraulics went.

The plane started spinning around,
going out of control.

So he decides it's all over and whips it
out and starts beating it right there.

So all the other passengers take a cue
from him and they start beating like mad.

So all the passengers are beating off,
plummeting to their certain doom...

when all the sudden...

the hydraulics kick back in
and the plane rights itself.

It lands safely. And everyone puts their
pieces or whatever away and deboard.

And nobody mentions
the phenomenon to anyone else.

- Well, did he come or what?
- Jesus Christ!

There's just some things
you don't talk about in public.

Second suitor. If you were a comic book
character, what character would you be?

Wow, that's a great question. Tough one,
though. What does one gage his response on?

Physical prowess?
Keen detection skills?

The ability to banter well
with super villains?

- How's your comic book collection, Brodie?
- It's goin' good, but...

Oh, comics?
What are you talking about?

I don't collect comics.
Comics are for kids.

I knew it. Suitor number one, you just
don't know when to quit, do you?

No. No. But you sure do.
I thought you were in love.

I was in love.
But I thought that I had a partner.

Somebody who wouldn't fall to pieces
when things didn't go his way.

- How so?
- My father needed a contestant for his show, T.S.

- What was I supposed to do?
- Maybe show a little backbone.

Show a little "backbone"?
What did you do?

When I walked away, did you make
any effort to repair that breach?

No, you ran off and cried on the shoulder
of Bumble the Boy Wonder over there.

"Boy Wonder"?
I'm all man, lady!

So, you're here now
and you're ruining my father's new show.

You're airing all
our personal business on stage.

You've gone this far.
Why don't you tell them the whole story?

There we were, mere hours away from spending
an entire week together away from our family...

and she throws in the towel
because her daddy says so.

The girl who was meant to be
sitting in this chair died in a pool.

When I tried to explain this to him...

he was such an asshole about it, that
even though it killed me to do it...

I broke up with him.

I've been crying all day.
But what did he do?

He just goes on with his life. I mean,
here he is. He's hanging out at a mall.

You put yourself on an auction block
in front of a live studio audience!

- Do I get a chance to field any more questions?
- No!

I think I should say something.
I know both of you pretty well.

Suitor-ette, suitor number one has done
nothing but pine over you all day...

trying to figure out a way
to win you back.

And when this public opportunity
to literally do that arose...

he pulled his shit together...

and faced the odds to get up here
and give it his best shot!

I'm tired of this whole thing!
You're both retarded for each other.

Why don't you forget about the shit that
happened and do what you're supposed to?

I think the audience
would agree with me there.

Well, ask her,
you silly bastard.

Miss Suitor-ette,
suitor number one loves you.

Has always loved you
and will always love you.

He's only got one question
that he'd like to ask.

Will you marry me?


Snootchy bootchies,

- Are we set or what?
- Good to go.

Oh, a sailboat.

I think it's safe to say
we've made our match.

These two lucky people will soon be winging
their way to beautiful, sunny Florida...

for a week of theme parks, beaches,
and a lot more from the look of it.

Well, I guess that
about wraps it up for...

Not just yet, Pat Sajak.
All right?

You. I believe you have something
that belongs to me.

Yeah, what's that?

Not you, asshole.

The girl.
You have my heart.

What can I say?
I love the retard.

Well, wait a minute.
I thought tonight, we're supposed to...

Hey, Hamilton.

Let's try to wrap this up.
I promised her breakfast.

That's it.
You're dead, mallrat.

I am gonna fuck you up
beyond repair!

Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat.

Ladies and gentlemen, this
tall drink of water headed my way...

is a pillar of the shopping community who
informed me today of a nefarious plan of his...

- to screw my girlfriend in a very uncomfortable place.
- What?

Like the back
of a Volkswagen?

And as he comes up here to...

Holy shit.

Well, without further ado, I'd like to
present you with an accurate portrayal...

of the proprietor
of Fashionable Male.

Now, Silent Bob.

I said now, Silent Bob!

When, Lord?

When the hell do I get
to see the goddamn sailboat?

Now! Now, now, now!

Who's your favorite New Kid?
Call me Joey.

Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose.
That's it.

Ah, yeah, call me Donny.
Come on.

Ah, girl.
Yeah, please don't go, girl.

Goddamn, this is one
wacky game show.

Hey, that girl's
only 15.

Oh, 15?
I thought she was 36.

Come on, guys. Tell me
you wouldn't have popped her.

Hey, you know, where you're going, they
screw people in a very uncomfortable place.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hey, hey! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.
- Come on. Just once?

All right, but make it fast.

Would you have gone on vacation
with the winner?

Well, what do you think?

I don't know.
I think you would have.

But I would have sent you a postcard.

What the hell is wrong with me?

So, if the tape was out of your reach,
how the hell did you get it?

The Jedi mind trick. Holy shit!
Motherfuckin' Yoda and shit.


A Jedi craves not
these things.

# I know where you hide #

# I drive by there
often #

# I spy on the surface #

# And make with your friends #

# Heaven is harsh #

# Fire unfaithful ##

Did you see that shit?
Do you call that romance?

I call that illegal.


- So what?
- Well, I was just wondering if you're not busy tomorrow night...


Would you like to come over to
my house for dinner and meet my mother?

I can't guarantee you
she's gonna like you...

It was just a warm-up.
Aw, please, please, come on.

- The show would always go smoother and be less racy.
- The show was a piece of shit.

Unoriginal, uninspired. The only thing
that saved it was this guy here.

Hi. I'm Bentley Garrison with the network.
Me and Mason thought you were hysterical.

You got great presence, kid.

- Have you ever considered hosting your own talk show?
- Yeah.


# Susanne #

# You're all that
I've wanted of a girl #

# You're all that I need
in the world #

# I'm your child
Make me blush #

# Drive me wild, Susanne
Ooo-ooo #

# You're all that I wanted #

# When I met you
I was all alone #

# Cold and hungry
crying on the phone #

# You gave me the coat
off your back, Susanne #

# You're all that I've wanted
of a girl #

# You're all that I need
in the world #

# I'm your child
Make me blush #

# Drive me wild, Susanne
Ooo-ooo #

- # You're all that I wanted #
- Yeah?

# Even Izzy, Slash
and Axl Rose #

# When I call
You put 'em all on hold #

# And say to me
that you'd do anything #

# And all I can do is say #

- # That I haven't much I can give
you in return # - # In return #

- # Only my heart and a promise
not to turn # - # Never turn #

# I'll stick to you
every day and every night #

- # Susanne #
- # Susanne #

# I'm your man #

# Susanne #

# You're all that I wanted
of a girl #

- # Oh, yeah # -
# You're all that I need in the world #

# I'm your child
Make me blush #

# Drive me wild, Susanne
Whoo-ooo #

# You're all that I wanted #

# Of a girl #

# Yeah ##

# In the company of morons #

# I swear they're
unstoppable #

# You can't push
They're pushin' back #

# Watchin' the shoppers
race this track #

# And they got places to go
so fast #

# First connect
and then they pass #

# Never need to get up #

# Just sit and watch
and laugh and dream #

# Don't walk, walk
walk too fast #

# Like a trap
you trap it all in your bags #

# Damaged goods
and no, no receipt #

# No receipt #

# Lots of books
and credit slips #

# Day-Glo patterns
and old man trips #

# Sight of fall
and inconvenience #

# Patience runs out of stock #

# Get time to oneself
to make it right #

# To make it right #

# Don't walk, walk
walk too fast #

# Try to trap
you trap it all in your bags #

# Damaged goods
and no, no receipt #

# No receipt #

# Don't walk, walk
walk too fast #

# Try to trap
you trap it all in your bags #

# Damaged goods
and no, no receipt #

# No receipt #

# Don't walk, walk
walk too fast #

# Try to trap
you trap it all in your bags #

# Damaged goods
and no, no receipt #

# No receipt #

# Lots of books
and credit slips #

# Day-Glo patterns
and old man trips #

# Sight of fall
and inconvenience #

# Patience runs
out of stock #

# Get time to oneself
to make it right #

# To make it right #

# Don't walk, walk
walk too fast #

# Try to trap
you trap it all in your bags #

# Damaged goods
and no, no receipt #

# No receipt ##