Malice in the Palace (1949) - full transcript
Set in a desert land where the stooges run a restaurant, the boys set out to recover the stolen Rootin Tootin diamond after they learn from the thieves that the Emir of Shmo has absconded with the contraband jewel. They journey to the stronghold of Shmo where they disguise as Santa Clauses and scare the ruler into giving them the diamond.
[♪]
[♪]
[SCOFFS]
Just past the hour.
I wonder what delays
Affah Dollah.
Fear not, most illustrious
Hassan Ben Sober.
Fear not. Affah Dollah will
get the map by hook or crook,
as sure as my name
is Ghinna Rumma.
Quite so.
Service.
How about a little service?
SHEMP:
Comin' up here. Yes, sir.
Comin' up.
LARRY:
Yes, sir, we have
all the service.
At your service.
Whew.
Boy, if I hadn't ducked,
we'd have collided sure.
What a narrow escape.
[YELPS]
[GROANS]
SHEMP:
What? Wh--?
[SHEMP GROANS]
What's the matter with you?
Take this off.
Take this off!
Now, take it easy.
We'll have you all fixed up
in a minute. What's this?
Oh, happy birthday.
[CHUCKLES]
Hold this.
Just a minute.
I'll take it right off.
[GASPS]
I would leave it on.
People don't know if you're
comin' or goin' with this on.
There you are, sir.
You look very pretty.
And the spaghetti
is as good as new.
Why, you...
Moe. Wh--?
Dog of dogs, how dare you?
A thousand pardons.
It was unavoidable.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This would degrade you.
'Tis true.
I am an aristocrat.
I am Hassan Ben Sober.
I had a few too many
myself.
[LAUGHS]
Quiet.
We gotta clean up this mess.
[HEAD BONKING]
Why, you...
Ooh! Oh!
Get busy.
What are you doin'?
Stop it,
will you?
Oh, cut it out.
RUMMA:
We'll travel by night.
Perhaps if Affah Dollah--
Greetings, greetings.
Did you bring the map,
Affah Dollah?
Aye, chief.
But as I slit his throat...
[GROANS]
...with his dying breath,
he said someone else
had a duplicate map.
'Tis bad. We must leave at once
if we are to be the first
to reach
King Rootin'-Tootin's tomb.
Make preparations
to depart immediately.
Aye, chief,
but remember the curse:
He who touches
the jewel first
is doomed
to a thousand deaths.
We must secure
the services of three,
and when we get them
to do our bidding:
[GROANS]
Yes, but we'd best
have food
before we travel.
Aye.
Service.
Waiters.
Service.
Here we are.
At your service.
Oh! Ooh.
What'll you have?
We want--
We don't have any more.
All we got left
is rabbit and hot dogs.
Rabbit.
Hot dog.
Hot dog,
they'll take rabbit.
Okay, comin' up.
Comin' right up.
Comin' right up.
Here we are:
pepper and salt.
[PUFFS AIR]
That busboy's off.
[MEOWS]
Scat!
Come here.
Come here, you.
[CAT MEOWS]
LARRY:
We'll have to fix you.
Why, you...
[LARRY GRUMBLING]
[CAT MEOWING]
[BOTH CLEAR THROAT]
[CHUCKLES]
Here.
Oh.
[MEOWING]
[CLEAVER POUNDING]
[CAT MEOWS]
[CLEAVER POUNDING, CAT YOWLING]
[CLEAVER POUNDING]
[CAT YOWLS]
[CLEAVER POUNDING]
[POUNDING STOPS]
Catsup.
Cat-- Aah!
[WHINES]
Get outta here.
LARRY:
Come here, you.
Ah, you think
you'll get away, eh?
Now I got you.
Come on. Now I got--
[GRUMBLING]
[SIGHS]
It couldn't be.
Or could it?
Now, you stay here
and you be a good boy, you.
Now, sit there.
[DOG BARKS]
[GASPS]
[BARKS]
[DOG YELPS]
[CLEAVER POUNDING]
[POUNDING STOPS]
[GROANS]
Here you are,
gentlemen.
Hot dogs.
When it comes to cookin',
I'm the cat's meow.
[ALL GROAN]
Sit down.
Oh, but I'm not tired.
I'll just stand while you eat.
Sit down
with your head on or off.
Y-You talked us into it.
SOBER & RUMMA:
Eat!
[BARKS]
Did you hear anything?
Yeah, I did.
[MEOWS]
[BOTH YELP]
Sit down and eat.
Eat.
Eat.
Eat.
[DOG WHINING]
[CAT PURRING]
[CAT MEOWING]
[CAT YOWLS]
[SNEEZES]
Gesundheit.
[GASPS]
[BARKS]
[BOTH SOBBING]
SOBER:
Eat!
Well?
Whoa!
[GRUNTS]
I killed it.
I killed it.
[SOBBING]
Oh, I killed it.
Shh.
This just can't be.
[CAT YOWLS]
[SCREAMS, WHIMPERS]
[GRUNTS]
[HUMMING]
Forgot the mustard.
So you are the perpetrator
of this.
Sit down and eat.
Sit down.
A pleasure. Thank you.
Mm-mm-mm.
LARRY:
Mm.
[GROWLS]
[YOWLS]
[BOTH SCREAM]
[ALL SHOUTING]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
[CAT YOWLS, DOG BARKS]
[GROWLS]
[YOWLS]
[BOTH SIGH]
There's the dog and cat.
Why didn't you tell me?
What?
Shut up.
Let him alone.
You too.
Oh, cut it-- Oof.
Come here.
Oh!
Oh!
[LARRY AND SHEMP GRUMBLE]
There. Oof.
Ooh!
[LARRY & SHEMP GRUNT]
These three, they are the ones
to get the jewel for us.
Right.
Gentlemen.
Who came in?
No, you.
How would you boys like to
make a thousand shilbleenas?
Here.
You've convinced us.
What do we have to do?
There is a diamond
worth a king's ransom.
Do you hear? A king's ransom.
Gentlemen, this map will lead us
to the treasure.
Now, pay strict attention.
Huh?
[WHIMPERS]
RUMMA [READING]:
Oh. Ruined. Defeated.
That murderous cutthroat.
He has the famous
100-carat diamond.
A hundred carats?
He sure knew his onions.
[CHUCKLES]
Quiet.
This map is useless to me now.
With that diamond,
I could have quit my job
as the doorman
at the Oasis Hotel.
[BOTH SOBBING]
Hey, spinach chin.
Do you mean to tell me
you're only a doorman?
Yes.
Well,
there's the door, man.
[WHIMPERING]
[SOBBING]
Will you give me 5 for this?
No, but I'll
give you two.
I'll take it.
Get out.
[GLASS BREAKING]
Hey. There's only one
100-carat diamond,
and it comes
from Rootin'-Tootin's tomb.
That's government
property.
Right, and if we return it,
we'll get a big reward.
Yeah, maybe 50,000 bucks.
Boy,
with that kind of money,
we could rent a one-room
apartment in Hollywood.
Maybe.
But that Emir of Shmow
is a cutthroat.
Suppose he cuts
my throat?
Well?
Well?
Now, don't worry.
We'll be disguised.
We'll find the shortest way.
Now, here.
Study this map closely.
MOE:
We start here at Jerkola,
down the Inseine River,
over the Giva Dam,
through Pushover,
across Shmowland,
to the stronghold of Shmow.
Pass.
[BELLS JINGLING]
MOE:
Giddyap. Giddyap.
Whoa.
Halt. Who goes there?
STOOGES:
Santa Claus.
Oh, there ain't no
Santa Claus.
Oh, yes, there is,
and we got a present for you.
You have?
Right here.
[GROANS]
[BIRD CUCKOOS]
Okay, boys,
come on.
The coast is clear.
Come on.
[YELPS]
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hike.
Come on.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[HUMMING]
Okay, let's find
the diamond.
[LAUGHING]
It's the Shmow.
Let's go.
[SHMOW CONTINUES LAUGHING]
There he is,
and he's wearin' the diamond.
[LAUGHING]
Now is our chance
to get it.
Yeah.
[GROWLING]
SHEMP:
Fee, fi, fo, fum.
I'm the evil spirit that guards
the Rootin'-Tootin' diamond.
Give it to me
lest evil befall you.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
The spirit commands you
to stand on your head
in that lily pond
until further notice.
[GROWLING]
Uh-oh. Hide quick.
Somebody's comin'.
Moe, scram.
[ALL GROANING]
[STOOGES YELPING]
Whoa!
Whoa.
[WHIMPERS]
Here. Hold this.
I'll kill you!
[GUARD SCREAMS]
I'll kill--
Gotcha. Bull's eye.
Why, you...
Your hat.
Thank you.
MOE:
You're welcome.
GUARD: Why--
[YELPS]
[GASPS]
Well, that's that.
Get up here.
[GROANS]
[WATER SLOSHING]
Hey, the Shmow is flooded.
[STOOGES LAUGHING]
Sister, it looks like
you're out of a job.
Ha-ha-ha.
Where's that diamond, kid?
[ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY]
Hey! Hey!
[ALL GRUNTING]
[LARRY YELLING]
[♪]
[♪]
[SCOFFS]
Just past the hour.
I wonder what delays
Affah Dollah.
Fear not, most illustrious
Hassan Ben Sober.
Fear not. Affah Dollah will
get the map by hook or crook,
as sure as my name
is Ghinna Rumma.
Quite so.
Service.
How about a little service?
SHEMP:
Comin' up here. Yes, sir.
Comin' up.
LARRY:
Yes, sir, we have
all the service.
At your service.
Whew.
Boy, if I hadn't ducked,
we'd have collided sure.
What a narrow escape.
[YELPS]
[GROANS]
SHEMP:
What? Wh--?
[SHEMP GROANS]
What's the matter with you?
Take this off.
Take this off!
Now, take it easy.
We'll have you all fixed up
in a minute. What's this?
Oh, happy birthday.
[CHUCKLES]
Hold this.
Just a minute.
I'll take it right off.
[GASPS]
I would leave it on.
People don't know if you're
comin' or goin' with this on.
There you are, sir.
You look very pretty.
And the spaghetti
is as good as new.
Why, you...
Moe. Wh--?
Dog of dogs, how dare you?
A thousand pardons.
It was unavoidable.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This would degrade you.
'Tis true.
I am an aristocrat.
I am Hassan Ben Sober.
I had a few too many
myself.
[LAUGHS]
Quiet.
We gotta clean up this mess.
[HEAD BONKING]
Why, you...
Ooh! Oh!
Get busy.
What are you doin'?
Stop it,
will you?
Oh, cut it out.
RUMMA:
We'll travel by night.
Perhaps if Affah Dollah--
Greetings, greetings.
Did you bring the map,
Affah Dollah?
Aye, chief.
But as I slit his throat...
[GROANS]
...with his dying breath,
he said someone else
had a duplicate map.
'Tis bad. We must leave at once
if we are to be the first
to reach
King Rootin'-Tootin's tomb.
Make preparations
to depart immediately.
Aye, chief,
but remember the curse:
He who touches
the jewel first
is doomed
to a thousand deaths.
We must secure
the services of three,
and when we get them
to do our bidding:
[GROANS]
Yes, but we'd best
have food
before we travel.
Aye.
Service.
Waiters.
Service.
Here we are.
At your service.
Oh! Ooh.
What'll you have?
We want--
We don't have any more.
All we got left
is rabbit and hot dogs.
Rabbit.
Hot dog.
Hot dog,
they'll take rabbit.
Okay, comin' up.
Comin' right up.
Comin' right up.
Here we are:
pepper and salt.
[PUFFS AIR]
That busboy's off.
[MEOWS]
Scat!
Come here.
Come here, you.
[CAT MEOWS]
LARRY:
We'll have to fix you.
Why, you...
[LARRY GRUMBLING]
[CAT MEOWING]
[BOTH CLEAR THROAT]
[CHUCKLES]
Here.
Oh.
[MEOWING]
[CLEAVER POUNDING]
[CAT MEOWS]
[CLEAVER POUNDING, CAT YOWLING]
[CLEAVER POUNDING]
[CAT YOWLS]
[CLEAVER POUNDING]
[POUNDING STOPS]
Catsup.
Cat-- Aah!
[WHINES]
Get outta here.
LARRY:
Come here, you.
Ah, you think
you'll get away, eh?
Now I got you.
Come on. Now I got--
[GRUMBLING]
[SIGHS]
It couldn't be.
Or could it?
Now, you stay here
and you be a good boy, you.
Now, sit there.
[DOG BARKS]
[GASPS]
[BARKS]
[DOG YELPS]
[CLEAVER POUNDING]
[POUNDING STOPS]
[GROANS]
Here you are,
gentlemen.
Hot dogs.
When it comes to cookin',
I'm the cat's meow.
[ALL GROAN]
Sit down.
Oh, but I'm not tired.
I'll just stand while you eat.
Sit down
with your head on or off.
Y-You talked us into it.
SOBER & RUMMA:
Eat!
[BARKS]
Did you hear anything?
Yeah, I did.
[MEOWS]
[BOTH YELP]
Sit down and eat.
Eat.
Eat.
Eat.
[DOG WHINING]
[CAT PURRING]
[CAT MEOWING]
[CAT YOWLS]
[SNEEZES]
Gesundheit.
[GASPS]
[BARKS]
[BOTH SOBBING]
SOBER:
Eat!
Well?
Whoa!
[GRUNTS]
I killed it.
I killed it.
[SOBBING]
Oh, I killed it.
Shh.
This just can't be.
[CAT YOWLS]
[SCREAMS, WHIMPERS]
[GRUNTS]
[HUMMING]
Forgot the mustard.
So you are the perpetrator
of this.
Sit down and eat.
Sit down.
A pleasure. Thank you.
Mm-mm-mm.
LARRY:
Mm.
[GROWLS]
[YOWLS]
[BOTH SCREAM]
[ALL SHOUTING]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
[CAT YOWLS, DOG BARKS]
[GROWLS]
[YOWLS]
[BOTH SIGH]
There's the dog and cat.
Why didn't you tell me?
What?
Shut up.
Let him alone.
You too.
Oh, cut it-- Oof.
Come here.
Oh!
Oh!
[LARRY AND SHEMP GRUMBLE]
There. Oof.
Ooh!
[LARRY & SHEMP GRUNT]
These three, they are the ones
to get the jewel for us.
Right.
Gentlemen.
Who came in?
No, you.
How would you boys like to
make a thousand shilbleenas?
Here.
You've convinced us.
What do we have to do?
There is a diamond
worth a king's ransom.
Do you hear? A king's ransom.
Gentlemen, this map will lead us
to the treasure.
Now, pay strict attention.
Huh?
[WHIMPERS]
RUMMA [READING]:
Oh. Ruined. Defeated.
That murderous cutthroat.
He has the famous
100-carat diamond.
A hundred carats?
He sure knew his onions.
[CHUCKLES]
Quiet.
This map is useless to me now.
With that diamond,
I could have quit my job
as the doorman
at the Oasis Hotel.
[BOTH SOBBING]
Hey, spinach chin.
Do you mean to tell me
you're only a doorman?
Yes.
Well,
there's the door, man.
[WHIMPERING]
[SOBBING]
Will you give me 5 for this?
No, but I'll
give you two.
I'll take it.
Get out.
[GLASS BREAKING]
Hey. There's only one
100-carat diamond,
and it comes
from Rootin'-Tootin's tomb.
That's government
property.
Right, and if we return it,
we'll get a big reward.
Yeah, maybe 50,000 bucks.
Boy,
with that kind of money,
we could rent a one-room
apartment in Hollywood.
Maybe.
But that Emir of Shmow
is a cutthroat.
Suppose he cuts
my throat?
Well?
Well?
Now, don't worry.
We'll be disguised.
We'll find the shortest way.
Now, here.
Study this map closely.
MOE:
We start here at Jerkola,
down the Inseine River,
over the Giva Dam,
through Pushover,
across Shmowland,
to the stronghold of Shmow.
Pass.
[BELLS JINGLING]
MOE:
Giddyap. Giddyap.
Whoa.
Halt. Who goes there?
STOOGES:
Santa Claus.
Oh, there ain't no
Santa Claus.
Oh, yes, there is,
and we got a present for you.
You have?
Right here.
[GROANS]
[BIRD CUCKOOS]
Okay, boys,
come on.
The coast is clear.
Come on.
[YELPS]
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hike.
Come on.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[HUMMING]
Okay, let's find
the diamond.
[LAUGHING]
It's the Shmow.
Let's go.
[SHMOW CONTINUES LAUGHING]
There he is,
and he's wearin' the diamond.
[LAUGHING]
Now is our chance
to get it.
Yeah.
[GROWLING]
SHEMP:
Fee, fi, fo, fum.
I'm the evil spirit that guards
the Rootin'-Tootin' diamond.
Give it to me
lest evil befall you.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
The spirit commands you
to stand on your head
in that lily pond
until further notice.
[GROWLING]
Uh-oh. Hide quick.
Somebody's comin'.
Moe, scram.
[ALL GROANING]
[STOOGES YELPING]
Whoa!
Whoa.
[WHIMPERS]
Here. Hold this.
I'll kill you!
[GUARD SCREAMS]
I'll kill--
Gotcha. Bull's eye.
Why, you...
Your hat.
Thank you.
MOE:
You're welcome.
GUARD: Why--
[YELPS]
[GASPS]
Well, that's that.
Get up here.
[GROANS]
[WATER SLOSHING]
Hey, the Shmow is flooded.
[STOOGES LAUGHING]
Sister, it looks like
you're out of a job.
Ha-ha-ha.
Where's that diamond, kid?
[ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY]
Hey! Hey!
[ALL GRUNTING]
[LARRY YELLING]
[♪]