Malibooty! (2003) - full transcript

[explosion roars]

[bell rings]

♪ Donzelli

♪ Donzelli, Donzelli

♪ The money, the cars

♪ The houses, behind bars

♪ The platinum, the chains

♪ The diamonds, the rings

♪ Post it up, there
ain't no fever, doctor ♪

♪ Shootin' the shit

♪ All up in my
Escalade, parked ♪



♪ Workin' in the shade

♪ I got everything,
that's what they tell me ♪

♪ Shake yo' ass, pop your
collar, do it, Donzelli ♪

♪ Uh, ma'am, uh, miss

♪ Right now, just
twerking like this ♪

♪ Ballin' to the max,
tryin' to relax ♪

♪ Jackin' my slacks,
spittin' at all the rats ♪

♪ All right, one
just took the bait ♪

♪ And now it's time for the
Don to make his escape ♪

♪ Back to the Zelli Cave,
so I could have my way ♪

♪ Man, you got
some Courvoisier ♪

♪ All we drink is Rossi, babe

♪ All we drink is Rossi, babe

♪ All we drink is Rossi



♪ Everybody, don't
you know that ♪

♪ That's all we drink

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh,
Donzelli, Donzelli ♪

♪ Donzelli, Donzelli,
Donzelli, oh ♪

♪ If you got a whip like
mine with rims that shine ♪

♪ And watch the shine

♪ So watch your
eyes, it blinds ♪

♪ And some girls that fine

- Wake up!
- Hey, hey!

What the hell is
the matter with you?

- I am your supervisor.

Today is your first
day on the job,

and you need to be working.

- Can't a brother
take a two-hour lunch?

- It's 8:30, and you
just clocked in at 8:15.

- So the point you
trying to make is what?

- You have work to
do, so follow me.

[upbeat music]

- Boogie Beach Bash?

Record deal, that's where
the hell I need to be.

It smells like Ben
Gay up in here!

Ms. Wurthel?

- That's me.

Who are you?

- I'm Donzelli.

- You a doctor?

- No.

- [Ms Wurthel] A nurse?

- That's it, nah,
like right now,

I'm an assistant to
a nurse's assistant.

- [chuckles] Minimum wage, huh?

- Now you need to eat.

Sure looks good.

- Oh my arthritis is
hurtin' in both my arms.

Can you feed me?

- Why not?

Why not, I mean...

- And while I eat,
will you hold my hand?

- God.

- Mm, mm.

[grunts] Wait a
minute, oh Jesus.

- You all right?

- Oh Jesus, wait a minute, Lord.

- You not gonna die, is you?

- Oh Lord!
- Let me go!

Let me go!

Cut me loose!

[Ms Wurthel grunts]

[Donzelli grunts]

[Donzelli groans]

Let go of me!

[Ms Wurthel groans]

You are a nasty old lady!

- Ooh, sorry, sugar.

You all right?

- Get the hell away from me.

- Oh wait, where
you goin', sugar?

Don't leave.

- This is the third job
you've been fired from

in three weeks, and
it's always their fault.

You know what?

You got to start
taking responsibility.

You don't stick to anything
longer than I can blink.

You gettin' too old
for this, Donald.

- Donzelli, my name
is Donzelli now,

and you know this.

- That is not the
name Mama gave you.

- Donzelli is my rap name.

- You don't have a record deal.

- You don't got a man.

- So?

I don't have no
man, but I got a job

and a house and a cat.

You know, I've been taking care
of you since we was little,

and we ain't little no more.

It's time for you to
stand on your own.

- So I guess this
wouldn't be a good time

to hit you up for a loan,
so I can go to LA, huh?

- [laughs] No, no, no, it
wouldn't be a good time,

'cause remember that
little deal we made?

If you didn't stick to that
job in the hospital, what?

You were gonna join
the Army, 'member that?

Yeah.

- Yeah, see--

- The recruiter will be
here in 15 minutes [laughs].

How 'bout that?

[door bell chimes]

Oh my, how time
flies, ooh [giggles].

- I've got to get to LA
and get me a record deal.

[trumpet music]

- Donald?

- Donzelli!

- This is Sergeant
Atkins from the Army.

- Hey, what up?

- Come here, boy!

Face forward!

"Hey, what up?"

That's no way

to address a United States
Army drill sergeant.

24 hours from now you
will belong to me!

Just sign on the highlighted X's

then drop and give me 100.

- Man, I ain't
givin' you no money.

- Not $100!

[doorbell chimes]

- I'll get that.

- What's up, Donzelli?

- Look, everybody, it's Bird.

- Uh, look, I don't
mean to interrupt,

so I'm gonna take off.

I just came to say
goodbye, pretty much.

- Bird needs to say
goodbye to me in private,

so we gonna go in the
kitchen for a minute,

so he could talk
to me in private.

You said something about
coming by to say goodbye, man.

Where you goin'?

- I told you, remember?

I'm goin' to get my certificate
from lifeguard school.

So that way, if I decided
to go to graduate school

on the West Coast, I'd
get a decent part-time job

and won't have to worry
about flipping burgers

or shakin' my ass for cash.

- Lifeguard school?

- Yup.

- Where the hell is you goin'

that they got lifeguard school?

- Los Angeles.

♪ Oh Donzelli, Donzelli

♪ Donzelli, Donzelli

- Son, if I could just
get your signature,

I can begin to process
your paperwork,

and within 24 hours, you
will be officially enlisted.

- I'm goin' to lifeguard school.

- Little bro, we had a deal.

- I know, but I just
need one more chance.

And if it doesn't work out,
I'll join the Army, I promise.

[upbeat music]

[Bird hoots]

- You ready to roll?

- Let's be out.

- Where the car?

- Right there.

[quirky music]

- What the hell is that?

I thought you was
gettin' yo' mama car.

- I was, man, but
she started trippin'.

She said the only
way I could use it is

if I hook her up with somebody.

I can't even hook my own
self up, so how am I supposed

to hook her old 800-pound,
bow-legged ass up with somebody?

Come on.

- This is a piece of junk.

- Man, the guy told me
that this is a classic.

[bumper rattles]

Get in.

[playful music]

Hey, man.

You got to use the window, man.

Man, watch my interior, man.

I only paid $200
for this beauty.

- You paid $200 too much.

- Look, man, I know it
look all bad and all,

but the engine
runs like a dream.

[engine sputters]

- My guess woulda been that
it runs like a nightmare,

but apparently, it
don't run at all.

[engine sputters]

[engine rumbles]

♪ Ain't nothin' better
than a house on the hill ♪

♪ You live once, homie,
so do what you feel ♪

♪ The limelight, but
you gotta stay real ♪

♪ You make the skill, but
I'm realer than real ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' better
than a house on the hill ♪

- Can I borrow your pencil?

- No.

- I'm gonna give it back.

- Look, every time I
give somebody my pencil,

I never get it back.

And this is the only
one I got on me, today.

It's my favorite one, look,

with the big booty bitch on it.

- Ooh.
- And there's no way

in hell you gettin' it.

- Here you go, girl.

- [Alicia] Girl, thank you.

- Hell, no, I got
you, kid, chill.

- Raymond!
- Huh?

- The finals are comin' up.
- All right.

- You need to work on
your pedicure skills.

- Cool.

- Get over there on foot duty.

- I ain't finished
cuttin' my customer yet.

- I'll finish him up.

Now get your butt over there.

- Good luck, K-Man.

- You're done, next!

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

[engine rumbles]

- Man, hurry up.

It's hot out here.

- Why don't you come inside?

They got air conditioning.

- Oh no, man, I think we need
to keep this thing running,

'cause if we turn
the engine off,

I don't know if it's
gonna start back up.

- All right, man,
wait right here.

I'll be right back.

- Hey!

Five minutes, man.

♪ It was all a dream,
the girls, the cars ♪

- So what's your name?

- Georgia.

- So where's you
from, like Atlanta?

You're a real Georgia peach?

- Well, I like to think of
myself as a Southern belle.

So, you promise you're gonna
massage my feet nice and long?

- I promise.

[Raymond screams]
[ominous music]

What's that?

- It's my foot.

- What's wrong with it?

- Oh don't trip.

It ain't nothin' but a
little athlete's feet.

Uh, hello?

I don't have all day.

Foot massage, please.

[Raymond grunts]

[Raymond gags]

Yes, that's it, baby, ooh.

- Going somewhere?

I said it before, and
I'll say it again.

Raymond is busy
when he is in here!

He is not allowed
to have visitors.

Now for the 1,000th time,

get out of my beauty school!

- Excuse me, Ms. Bibbles.

The customer over there
said I messed up his hair,

so he ain't tryin' to pay.

- Oh he gonna pay the $3.

Ke Ke, go get my gun.

And if you're here
when I get back,

I'ma pump more holes in
you than Swiss cheese!

Bup, bup, bup, bup!

[engine rumbles]

- Damn!

- It's 200 degrees out here.

And I'm gettin' baked,

broiled and barbecued.

Would you come on?

- Just hang on, brah,

I'll be right back.

[Bird sobs]

♪ One day, he figured a way

♪ To get away from all
the people who hate ♪

♪ California was his goal

♪ So he packed up his stuff

♪ And decided that
it was time to go ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' better
than a house on the hill ♪

♪ You live once, homie,
so do what you feel ♪

♪ The limelight, but
you gotta stay real ♪

♪ You got the skill, but
I'm realer than real ♪

- Ms. Bibbles, would
you sign my time sheet?

♪ Do what you feel

♪ The limelight, but
you gotta stay real ♪

- Thank you.

[Ms. Bibbles screams]

[upbeat music]

- Oh sorry.

How come I got the
feeling you had something

to do with this?

- 'Cause I did [laughs].

- See, that's what I mean, man.

- What?

I did you a favor, man.

I got you out of school early.

Bird's in the car, let's roll.

LA's Cali Boogie
Beach Bash awaits us.

- Man, you know I just got
out of TA, Tricks Anonymous.

I just got back with my girl.

If I go to LA, on the beach,

with all them beautiful
women in bikinis,

man, I'm gonna fall
off the bandwagon, man.

I'm gonna start trickin'
like a $2 ho again.

- We not goin' for
the beach bunnies.

- We not?

- Well, not just for
the beach bunnies.

Or maybe like 90% we goin'
for the beach bunnies.

Man, but we goin' for
business too, man.

- What business?

- Bird's goin' down there
for some lifeguard thing,

and I'm goin' to
get a record deal.

[Raymond laughs]
Now you helped me

produce most of
those tracks, man,

but if I have to go
down there by myself

to do all the legwork,
you're only gettin' 5%.

But if you come with,
then you get 50%.

Check it out.
- Wait.

5%?

- That's it.

- You know somethin'?

You right, man.

You made one
important point there.

I did help produce
some of them tracks.

That's how I know
how whack that is.

I can't produce,
and you can't rap.

- Give me this, man.

- Give me these.

- A'ight, the spot might
get kinda hot for you, man.

I wouldn't suggest you stickin'

around the crime
scene much longer.

- The only time you bail

from a crime scene
is when you guilty.

- Or when they
think you're guilty.

You know, that
pencil stickin' out

of Ms. Bibble's
ass belongs to you.

- No, it don't.

- I'm gonna kill whoever's
responsible for this.

- I'll holla.

[quirky music]

Oh shit, uh, Your Honor,

my client is innocent of
these trumped up charges.

- Guilty!

Get that thug out
of my courtroom.

- You're not gonna
let them take me?

Donzelli, what are you...

Yo, yo, yo, Donzelli, man,

yo, wait up, man!

Be right back, dude.

- Hey, hurry up, man.

Malibooty awaits us.

Yo, what you gonna tell London?

- Man, I wear the
pants in this family.

I ain't got to tell her nothin'.

Besides, she at work, dog.

So I'm just gonna
write her a note

and call her when we get there.

♪ Situation's that

♪ When you messin'
with a chick ♪

♪ Your relationship just
sits over the fence ♪

- [London] Hi, boo.

Hey.

- Hey, hey.

London, what you
doin' here, girl?

- I live here, remember?

- [laughs] Right, right,

I knew that.

I was just testing you.

- What are you doing home?

Don't you have beauty school?

- Yeah, but I got
out early today.

[London grunts]

- Where you going?

- Hmm?
- Where you going?

- Oh, this?

Oh, man, you know,
me, Bird and Donzelli,

we just going to take a
little road trip, you know.

- Donzelli?

Mm-mm, anytime you get
involved with Donzelli,

there's always some
stank hos involved,

and you end up cheatin'
on me, Raymond.

- Baby, that's not even fair.

You know I haven't cheated
on you since I graduated

that Tricks Anonymous program.

- You only been out
the program one week.

And you ain't been
nowhere with Donzelli.

- [grunts] You got a point.

You are right.
- Yeah.

- But baby, baby, you
got to trust me, baby.

I mean, this is business.

We could possibly sell some
tracks, get a record deal.

I could buy you that car.

That way, your little
pretty ass ain't got

to take the bus no more.

[lips smack]

- Okay.

Go ahead.

- [Raymond] All right.

- But you better be good.

- Of course, Mama.

- Because if you
cheat on me again,

I'm gonna slice your balls off.

[both laughing]

- I guess I ain't got to
worry about that then.

- I hope not.

- Uh-huh, yeah.
- You have fun.

Oh!
- I'll try.

- Take my cell phone,

just in case I
need to get at you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Got to go!

- [London] What, hold up.

Where you going?

- Boogie Beach Bash in LA.

- [London] Oh hell no!

Raymond, hell no!

♪ Well, it feels so good

♪ Want to F double
EL, G double OD ♪

♪ Baby, how 'bout
some bubblegum pink ♪

♪ If I claim it, then name it

♪ Want to feel real good

♪ Make a meal with my skill

♪ But I'm still so

♪ Call it levitation

♪ 'Cause I really moved myself

♪ I'm tired of tryin'
to prove myself ♪

- My goal this weekend is to
be totally loyal to London.

I'm gonna prove to myself
how much I love her.

I ain't hookin' up
with nobody, watch.

- My goal this weekend [huffs]

is to hook up with
all the beach bunnies.

Man, I'm tryin' to come
back with as much panties

in my duffel bag as it can hold.

[all laugh]

- My goal is to
lose my virginity

and get my first slice of booty.

- That'll happen.

- Mm-hmm.

- [Raymond And
Donzelli] Not [laughs]!

♪ But it's still so good

♪ I wanna F double
EL, G double OD ♪

[hip hop music]
[crowd screaming]

- Now what can your fans
expect when they think

of the new album that
drops on Tuesday?

- Back-to-back slaps,
trunk-rattling rhymes,

straight LRPs, we're all
right, pimpin' on whack.

♪ You from the North but
if you're from the South ♪

♪ Get you all up in this
club and we gonna party now ♪

[girls screaming]

- I'm that nigga.

[girls scream]

Grab my ass!

Touch my ass!

♪ From the party

♪ We're sipping
more than Bacardi ♪

♪ Clubbin' all night long

♪ We're clubbin'
all night long ♪

♪ We're at the party

♪ It's time to get
it all started ♪

- Oh my God.

♪ And the party don't stop

♪ It's a quarter to four

♪ And we're still
drinking some more ♪

[triumphant music]

- Help, somebody help me.

Help!

[woman grunting]

[triumphant music]

Oh my gosh, thank you.

You saved my life.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know you're a bigger hero

than Batman or Spider-Man
could ever hope to be.

I think I need
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

from a big, strong, manly
lifeguard like yourself.

Ooh, take me, Daddy, now.

[woman grunting]
[gentle music]

[brake squeals]

- [Donzelli] Damn!

What?

What's wrong with you, man?

- Now you all know somebody
got to stay in the bucket,

'cause we got to keep
this engine runnin'.

I stayed the last time, and
I nearly died of a sunstroke.

And I got to pee.

So which one is it gonna be?

Hey!

- Hey, yo, blood!

What's up, baby?

Let me get some change.

Give me some smoke, weed,
sass, whatever you got.

What you got?

- What?

- Help this brother out, man.

Don't be like that.

Don't be stingy, dog.

- Come on, put it in there.

That's what I'm
talking about, yes.

- Psych [laughs]!

- You stupid.

- You ain't gettin'
my weed, bum.

[Donzelli and Raymond laugh]

- That's not funny.

[funky music]

- Man, what the hell
took you so long?

You know I gotta piss!

- [Donzelli] You ticklish?

- Huh?
[Donzelli squeaks]

Stop!

- Tickle, tickle, tickle!
- Stop!

- Oogie, oogie, oogie.

- Who that is in the background?

- Who is who?

- I hear females.

- You don't hear no females.

That's Donzelli and Bird.

We like a 100 miles from LA.

- All right, whatever.

But don't let there be
no females with you,

'cause I will come
through this phone, nigga,

and stomp you in your esophagus.

[dramatic music]

♪ Tell me that you
can't hold out ♪

♪ Tell me that you
will hold out ♪

♪ Tell me that you
can't hold out ♪

♪ You can't

♪ Tell me that you
can't hold out ♪

♪ Tell me that you
can't hold out ♪

♪ Tell me that you
can't stay, without ♪

- [Tommy] I did, but I
thought I, I don't know.

- What's up?

Let me start by saying
you are hella sexy.

- Thank you.

You know, I hear
that all the time.

- I'm sure you do,

when you dreaming.

- [giggles] Ooh, cute and funny.

I like that.

Look, I'm Sherry, and this
is my cousin, Tomasina,

but she go by Tommy.

- Hey, Tommy, how you doing?

- Hello.

- So, um, what's your name?

- Donzelli, but my close
friends call me FOPD.

- What is FOPD short for?

- Friend of P Diddy.

That's my boy, we close.

So where you all headed?

- Back home to LA.

We was up in the
Bay, visiting family.

Then on the way back, we took
a little detour to Vegas.

- We from Arizona.

Me and my boys is on
a little road trip.

We headed down to LA for
the Cali Boogie Beach Bash.

- Is that your ride?

- Yeah, yeah, that's
my boy's car, you know.

We brought his bucket,
'cause I ain't want

to put a lot of
miles on the Hummer.

- Well, somebody's stealing
your friend's bucket.

[Donzelli laughs]

- See you got jokes.

Let me guess.

You aspire to be a comedian

and get put on with
the Queens of Comedy.

- No, really, someone's
stealing your friend's car.

[horn squeaks]

- Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

[engine revs]

Hey!

Hey, hey!

Come back here, dog!

Hey!

- You shoulda shared
your weed, punk!

[girls laugh]

- [Donzelli] Hey, you
can have that weed!

You can have it.

I ain't mad!

You can have that weed.

I was just playin', man.

Ain't nobody trippin'
over no bag of weed!

Shit!

Dude, that bum stole our car.

- Huh?
- What happened?

- I was talking
to these females,

because, you know,
they looked lost.

And I'm trying to
give them directions

and what have you, and
the next thing I know--

- You owe me $300.

- I thought you said
you paid $200 for it.

- I did.

I want $100 for my
pain and suffering.

I grew attached to that bucket.

- Man, all our
stuff was in there.

I ain't got no more
clothes, no money.

We stranded.

What we gonna do?

- Bird, how much
money you got on you?

- $40.

- Cool.

I got a plan that'll
get us to LA,

and it'll only costs
us a couple of dollars.

[bright music]

- All right, that'll be $660.

Hello, does anybody in
this cab speak English?

- Yeah, see, that's the thing,

that we didn't, you know,
when we thought we could,

so when we had got--

- What are you
trying to say, kid?

- Run!

Go!

[dramatic music]

- Stop!
[Bird squeals]

- Hey, let me, let me go!

- Stop it, damn!

♪ We're at the party

♪ We sipping more than Bacardi

♪ Clubbin' all night long

♪ We clubbin' all night long

♪ We're at the party

♪ It's time to get
it all started ♪

♪ The party don't stop

♪ I rock too hot and
the party don't stop ♪

♪ All night long

♪ We're at the party

♪ We sipping more than Bacardi

♪ Clubbin' all night long

♪ We clubbin' all night long

♪ We're at the party

♪ It's time to get
it all started ♪

♪ The party don't stop

- Hey, hey, what's
up there, homie.

Man, how you guys doing, man?

My name is Pablo.

I'm what you might
call the hookup.

I got everything,
whatever you need, man.

I got cell phones, pagers,
golf clubs, jewelry.

Whatever you need,
man, I got it man.

- Hey, hey, hey, nigga,
why you talkin' like that?

- What?
- For real.

- I'm a Mexican, man.

I got everything you need.

You need some oranges?

I got 'em, man, you know.

- No, no, no.
- Hey, look, look.

- We straight, man.

- Look, man, you sure
you don't want anything?

- I'm sure I don't
want anything, man.

- We're cool, man.

- Forget you guys, then, man.

- How you don't know
it was your cousin?

- I don't know that man.

[gentle music]

- Hey, man, we need to go here

and do this
lifeguard thing, man,

'cause we can do
this together, man.

I ain't come, I need
you to do this for me,

to motivate me, man.

You know what I'm saying?

It seems like every
time we go out, man,

you always just
get so unfocused.

[gentle music]

[record scratches]

[Tommy grunts]

[gentle music]

- Now that's what I
call an American beauty.

You haven't listened
to a word I said.

- Huh?

Hold this, homie.

[laughs] You must be a long
lost member of Destiny's Child,

because your body
is bootylicious!

♪ This time I know
you're ready ♪

♪ You're ready

- It's you again?

- It's fate.

It's like kismet, the way our
worlds just keep colliding,

just boom!

You know, it's like
the world just,

all right, well, all right,

I'll just holler at you later.

You know, you probably
got new people

to rescue and stuff.

I'm just, you know,
so I just, hey, damn!

- You need to get up
out of my way, fool!

- You need to watch
where you goin'.

- Listen here.

I'm Marco.

Until I get down with the
female, she's unavailable.

Now I ain't got
down with Tommy yet,

but she's on my list.

It's all right.

You can have my
leftovers, capisce?

- Hey, dog, see, that
ain't, I ain't flinch.

I'm just ready, I'm ready.

- Yeah, that's real good.

I'm glad we
understand each other.

- Stop touching me, stop.

Kick rocks, before I
kick your ass, man.

Nobody's scared, I
know karate, dude.

I know karate, and I'll use it.

♪ Me, me, me

♪ Gee, oh my God

♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce

♪ Rush all of us back,
called to blocks ♪

♪ Off the block, off the couch

- What you doing, dog?

- What are we doing here?

- Oh snap, hey.

Check this out.

We catch the Beach Bandit,
we come up on $5,000,

just like that [snaps].

- I don't see no Beach
Bandit around here.

And if my math is
correct, between us,

we only got about
zero big faces.

And plus, man, I don't
think that my $38 is enough

to afford this hotel, so
what are we doing here?

- Don't trip, homie.

This one's on me.

- Where the hell did
you get all that money?

- A true baller keeps
an emergency stash
full of big faces.

- If you had all that money,
why the hell were we runnin'

from the taxicab driver?

Why didn't you just pay him?

- You spend your
money on what you want

to spend your money on,
and I'll spend my money

on what I want to
spend my money on.

- Those are all hundreds?

- Franklin's face on
every last bill, brother.

- Let me see this.

- Hey, stop.

- Every bill has Franklin's
face on it, all right.

It's Aretha Franklin,
not Benjamin Franklin.

When the hell did she
come out with a bill?

- Yo, they both Franklins, man.

I'm sure they're related
somewhere down the line.

Gettin' all technical.

- Man, this, I'm not
goin' in there with that.

It look like Monopoly money.

- Man, nobody look at
money that close, man.

Now we goin' in there, and
we gettin' the best suite

that money can buy.

- This ain't gonna work, man.

- I guarantee you that it works.

- It ain't gonna work.

- I mean, if it don't,
what they gonna do?

Throw us out?

[spring boings]
[Donzelli and Bird grunt]

[upbeat music]

My money, my money.

Help me pick up my big faces.

Help me pick up
my big faces, man!

- [Bird] Hey, man, what if
that Beach Bandit show up?

- Man, I'm the one
over here sittin'

on a knapsack full of money.

You're over there
sittin' on $40.

- $38, I bought this
shirt, remember?

- Man, just go to sleep, okay?

Just try to think of all the fun

we're gonna have
the next two days.

[Bird sobs]

What's wrong with you?

- I'm scared, man.

- Man, stop acting like
a little punk, man!

Ain't nothin' to be
scared of out here, man.

Start acting like a man,

instead of a
pig-tailed little girl!

Somebody come over here,
I wish they would, ooh!

- Hey, yo, guys--

[Donzelli and Bird scream]

Yo, yo, it's me,
man, it's me, man!

What's wrong with you all?

It's me!
- You can't be runnin'

on people like that!

- Yo, I got a place
for us to stay, yo.

Come on, let's talk on
the way there, come on.

This is where we gonna
stay for the weekend.

Watch where you're walkin', man.

- [Donzelli] Heavens
to Murgatroyd!

Yo, how you hook this up?

- Yo, yo, yo, we got
to keep it down, man.

They got some other
folks stayin' here,

and they sleepin' right now.

You know what I'm sayin?

- [Donzelli] Who?

- Just some females.

- Oh shit, oh shit [hoots]!

- This is it, yo!

- Yes, man!

Yo, you have always been
the pimp of the group.

- See, you got it all wrong.

See, first of all, I
was lookin' for you all,

and I ran into these girls,
told them what happened.

We lost our dough and the car.

It's like, "Yo, y'all
can stay the weekend."

Matter of fact, I
was talkin' to her.

She says she know you.

- Me?

- Yeah.

Says she met you at
a convenience store

and saw you on the beach
earlier or something.

- No, that's,
that's, that's that,

that's my lifeguard buddy, man.

I told you she dug me, bro.

You gotta...

That's okay.

- Yo, she said come check out
and say hi when you got here.

- It's like 1:30, one,
one, one in the morning.

- She said it don't
matter what time it is.

- You know what that means?

- [Raymond And Donzelli]
Panty raid [laughs]!

- Yo, her room's the
one upstairs, dog.

- All right.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

I know you gonna
need the essentials.

And I got a few of 'em.

Here you go, baby.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Uh, uh, uh, better take two.

You gonna have your
hands full with this one.

- I'm out.

- Hell, yeah.

- Hold on, hold on,
where are the other girl?

- Downstairs.

- Good.

- Bird!

Where you going?

- To get my bird
slice a nappy dugout.

- But you don't even
know what she look like!

- [Bird] It don't matter!

- Do you need a condom?

- [Bird] Hey, hell, no!

[funky music]

♪ Hey, lover

♪ Hey, love boy

♪ I'm so in love with you

♪ You came to my rescue

♪ And changed my view of you

♪ I hope we can make
this love forever ♪

♪ No change, I like
everything about you ♪

♪ You claim to be more
than what you are ♪

- Turn over and give
Pimpzelli a kiss.

- Okay.

[Donzelli shrieks]

♪ Supposed to know who you are

♪ But game recognize game

[Tommy yells]

- Out!

You pervert!

Get out!

- [Bird] Ow, ow!

- [Tommy] Pervert, go!

[Donzelli shrieks]

- Come on, come on.

Don't be shy.

I'm gonna get you.

[Donzelli and Bird panting]

- What?

- What, this bitch is fat.

[Raymond laughs]

- I ain't never
gonna get no vagina.

[birds squawk]

[dramatic music]

- Hey, that's my purse!

[upbeat music]

♪ Is it

[Donzelli hums]

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, hey, girl, I
told him that him

and his boys can stay here
for the next two days.

Isn't he fun?

- I'm gonna go get
ready for work.

- You know, normally
folks have dessert

only after dinner, but
as a special treat,

how would you like to have
dessert after breakfast?

[quirky music]

What about breakfast?

- I done lost my appetite.

[Donzelli groans]

- Donzelli, stop playin',
come back here, boy!

[smooth music]

- Even though I took a shower,
I still feel dirty, man.

I still got the clothes
I had on yesterday.

- It's time for
a shopping spree.

[hands clap]

Oh, dog, I told you.

- I didn't think it
was gonna work, man.

- Hey, you all get me some?

- Man, you scared,
you old fraidy-cat.

We in there stealin'
and carryin' on, man.

- Hey, hey!

- [Raymond And
Donzelli] Oh shit!

- Hey you, get back here!

This money no good!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- To lifeguards, let
the training begin!

[funky music]

And one, two, three, four.

Come on, come on, Bird.

[playful music]

And one,

two, three.

Come on, Bird.

Come on, Bird, suck it up!

Show some toughness, let's go!

Good.

Let's do it, guys, come on.

We got Bird.

He's got to catch up, let's go!

[playful music]

Come on, Bird.

Come on, hustle up!

Bird, hurry, hurry!

Good, Bird, you got
to save her life.

Give her CPR.

Come on, Bird, hurry.

You got to save her life!

Just give her mouth-to-mouth!

[playful music]

[lips smacking]

[Bird moans]
[lips smack]

- Excuse me, but for
your information,
the line to register

for the bikini beach contest
is a few booths up the beach.

Just trying to help you.

- What you here for?

- I'm here to register my
mixed CD in the contest,

so I can win that
money and get signed,

you know, get a deal.

- Mm-hmm.
- What you here for?

- Same thing.

- Oh, okay, you in line
for your man, all right.

While he out hollerin'
at another breezy, okay.

He got you
well-trained [laughs].

- I don't have a man.

I'm registering myself.

I'm a hip hop artist.

[Donzelli laughs]

- "I'm a hip hop artist."

- Next!
- All right.

Ooh, yeah.

- Come on, I'm gonna need
your $300 registration fee.

- Cool.

Keep the change.

[woman scoffs]

What, you aren't
allowed to take tips?

- We're not allowed
to take funny money.

And your money is hilarious.

[Rebel laughs]

It should be hosting
the new Def Comedy Jam.

Now bounce.

- [laughs] Oh it looks like
you're a little short, shorty.

- You know what?

Mind your own business,
you old fake-ass J-Lo.

- Uh, that'll be Rebel Rouser.

Don't let the good
looks fool you, homie.

- Next!

[Rebel laughs]
Come on, girl.

- That's...

- Woo-hoo, man, what's up, dog?

Oh, you got your new
lifeguard uniform on, hmm?

Lookin' spiffy there, man.

- Apparently, it
ain't that spiffy.

I mean, hell, females
still ignore me.

Man, I thought once
I became a lifeguard

that females would like me.

I'd become cool.

I'd be the man.

- Look, man, I'm
a reformed player.

I could tell you one
of the golden rules

about being a player, baby.

A man always want to put his
hand inside a woman pants,

but a woman always want to put
her hand inside a man pocket.

Do you see what I'm sayin'?

- I don't get it.

- Man, act like you got cash,

and you more liable
to get the ass.

- I don't have any cash.

- Fake it till you
make it, player!

Man, never mind, oh,
would you look at that.

A'ight.

- What you, what you doin'?

- It's called minding
my own business.

You should try it sometime.

- Look, Tomasina.

- Tommy.

- Okay, Tommy, I ain't
been nothin' but cool

with you ever since
I met you yesterday.

But you keep being
all saditty and stank.

That's it.

I ain't being cool
with you no more.

My friendship, either
you're in or you're out,

right here, right now.

- I'm out.

- So, well, do you want to,

yeah, you want to take, like,
maybe take a little time,

maybe think about
it or something?

That's a, you know, I'm
rushin' you, you know.

You're in or you're out.

- Here we go!

The winning team gets
to split up $1,000!

[crowd cheers]

Ladies, ready,

set,

go!

[crowd cheers]

- [Crowd] Pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!

- Pull!

Come on!

[crowd cheers]

- [Crowd] Pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull, pull!

Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull, pull!

Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull, pull!

Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull, pull!

[Miranda screams]

[crowd applauds]

- Hey, what's up?

How you doing?

I drive a Benz.

- Hi, my name is Kelly.

[bell dings]

- You see the thing
is, it's like,

I'm cool with most of the
people in the industry already,

so it's just like
a matter of time

before, you know,
I get a record deal

and just blow up your way.

You know, it's like
Master P, Russell Simmons.

They was all, like, the homies.

You know what I'm saying?

Me and E-40, we
like brothers, shit.

- Hmm, you'll have
to introduce me.

- To 40?

It's nothin', consider it done.

That's my boy.

Yo!

This is how I can make some cash

to enter into the Boogie
Beach Bash mixed CD contest.

And I'd have some
money left over

to go up into the studio.

- How?

- By catching this Beach Bandit.

- You're not gonna
catch the Beach Bandit.

- Why not?

- 'Cause I am.

- What you, what you...

[Tommy grunts]

All right.

Be like that then.

We'll see who catch
the Beach Bandit

and come up on some money.

May the sexiest person win.

And that's gonna be me,

'cause I got sex, sex
appeal, the sexiest.

- Hey, Tommy, you
ready for some lunch?

- Yes, let's go.

- What you doing?

- Hey, yo, homes!

You didn't get the babe, because
you're not flashy enough.

What you need to do
is get some ice, ese.

You need to get the
blingy bling, homes!

- I'm cool.

- Okay.

Hey, yo!

Blingy bling!

Blingy!

- You all right?

- Yeah.

I think I stepped on a seashell.

- Yeah?
- There's no blood,

only a bruise.

- Let me take a look at it.

Beautiful.

- The bruise?

- [Raymond] The feet

[Miranda laughs]

and your leg

and your arm.

- Gracias.

I'm Miranda.

- Raymond.

- Nice to meet you.

[upbeat music]

- [Bird] There it is.

- This is your car?

- Yup, this is all
me, the Yellow Canary.

- I thought you
said you had a Benz.

- Huh?

I, I do

and a Porsche, a Range
Rover and a Bentley.

- Ooh, take me for a ride,
papi, please, please?

- Yeah, we can do that.

- Hey!

Can you two kissin' fish
raise up off my car?

This is expensive paint.

[quirky music]

[tires screech]

- Um, see, uh,

that was my baby cousin.

You know, I just let him
use the whip sometimes

- No, no need to explain.

I understand.

I mean, I know how
family can get.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

Why don't we go somewhere
a little more private,

so we can get our freak on?

- Let's do that.

Come on, let's do that.

- [Raymond] How's that?

- It feels so good.

But it looks like my
girls are ready to go.

It was nice meeting you.

- How you gonna just walk out

of my life like
that, that quick?

- Maybe we should
exchange numbers?

- Definitely, we have
to exchange numbers.

[upbeat music]

- Call me.

[upbeat music]

- Look at you,

still gettin' more
ass than a pimp

with hydraulics on his Cadillac.

Ooh, she do got hella
three-wheel motion goin' on

with all that booty, yo!
- She do, don't she?

[both laugh]

Hey, it's not even
like that, man.

She was hurt, and I
was just helping her.

- So y'all didn't
exchange numbers?

- I mean, just to be polite.

Listen, man, I'm with,
my heart is, is with...

- London.

- My heart belongs to
London, man, you understand?

I won't even pick up a
phone to call Miranda.

- I'm glad you
feel that way, man,

'cause her number
just got washed away.

- No!

I know the first one was 760.

What's, come here, help me, man.

What is that?

Is that a three or an eight?

- Man, you are pathetic, man.

Look, I came over here
to tell you we need

to come up with some dough
to register our mixed CD.

I'm out, dude.

You pathetic.

You need to go back into that
Tricks Anonymous program.

You got problems, man.

You got problems!

You a ho!

[quirky music]

- What's up, Cali?

All right, we need
two more players

for the pie-eating contest.

The winner's gonna receive $300.

[crowd cheers]

All right, looks like
we need one more player

for the pie-eating contest.

[crowd applauds]

All right, looks
like we're gonna have

to work with what we got.

Ready,

set,

go!

[playful music]

Let's go, let's go!

All right, come on,
work it, work it!

Come on, you can do it!

[Donzelli growls]

We have no winner yet.

All right, looks like
we got a winner, oh!

Winner of the
pie-eating contest!

[crowd cheers]

[crowd applauds]

- You know, when you
purchased them handcuffs

at that vendor booth,

I knew right then you
like to do it real nasty.

- That's the only
way I like to do it.

[Bird moans]

Take off your shorts.

- Right here?

Look, man, I don't think
this is a good idea.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, this is my first
day on duty, you know,

and I can get in big
trouble if I get caught.

- If you get caught.

No risk, no reward.

- All right, all right,

all right, you got
me, you got me.

All right, I'll take 'em off.

All right, step back,
step back, step back.

I got this.

These too?

- Close your eyes.

- That's right.

[quirky music]

You know, I got to admit.

This is my first
time ever having sex,

and my first time ever
gettin' a mic check.

But I'm ready whenever you are.

[quirky music]

Kelly!

Kelly!

- Aw, damn!

- Hey, bro, bro,

man, come on,
listen, man, listen.

There's a vendor about a
quarter-mile up the beach

that sells a pair of handcuffs.

Go there and purchase a pair,

and they're gonna
give you a key.

Come back and see
me with the key.

And please, whatever you do,

don't tell nobody.

- All right, all right,

I ain't gonna say nothing.

- I appreciate that, man.

Please, hurry up, man, please.

- Yo, there's a dude
back here bucket-naked!

- Oh, oh, hell no!

Oh, oh!
[sirens whine]

[Bird sobs]

- What in the hell?

What's going on with you, huh?

[Bird sobs]

Uh-huh, you're butt-naked, huh?

- [Officer] What you
holding there, huh?

I'm just gonna
push you back here.

- [Bird] This ain't right.

- Uh-huh.
- This is insane.

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

- Yee-hah, woo hoo!

This shirt is
workin' for me, man.

Tonight, you can officially
declare me a ho magnet, man.

Beach bunnies beware!

- The magnet is here?

- That's right.

[both laugh]

Aw, hell naw!

I know you're not
sittin' there waitin'

for that Miranda girl to call.

- Man, I just want to make sure
her foot is all right, okay?

- She probably up there at
the Hoedown by the Beach.

- I doubt it, man.

Her foot had a pretty
bad swell to it, man.

She probably got it
kicked up with ice on it.

[phone beeps]
- All right, man.

Suit yourself.

You know you got a
foot fetish, right?

- Man!

- You need to seek some help,

some counseling or some shit.

I ain't never known
a nigga that feel on

and rub on so many
different feets.

You probably got
foot fungus all up

under your fingernails
[shudders].

- No damn foot fetish
under my fingernails.

[playful music]

- The fuck is...

What is you doing?

- Trying to kill myself.

- Man, and so you suicidal,

you probably not
in the mood to go

to the Hoedown by
the Beach, huh?

Didn't think so.

All right, carry on.

[Donzelli grunts]

♪ No matter if you
from the North ♪

♪ Or if you from the South

♪ If you roll up in this club

♪ We gonna party now

♪ Dude, the world
keeps trippin' ♪

♪ We gonna cut it down

♪ Yet we ain't about to leave

♪ Until they shut it down

♪ No matter if you
from the North ♪

♪ Or if you from the South

♪ If you roll up in this club

♪ We gonna party now

♪ If the world keeps trippin'

♪ We gonna cut it down

♪ Yet we ain't about to leave

- Woo, heavens to Murgatroyd!

Look like you got
two basketballs

in the back of yo' pants,

each cheek, pow, pow,
Spalding, just chillin'!

Hoo, I swear on it.

- You gots to step
on back, black.

Tommy here is with me tonight.

- Hey!

♪ And I ain't get that

♪ Kinda just want to get that

[Donzelli grunts]

- All that touchin' me, though.

All that touchin' me, though!

- Man, maybe her foot
wasn't that swelled up.

and she did go to the
Hoedown by the Beach.

Think I should go
down there, dog?

Or should I just chill and
wait for her to call me?

- Here,

have a sip of my drink.

It'll make you feel better.

[Bird laughs]

It'll wash away

all your troubles.

- I'm cool, dog.

I'm not messin' with you.

- You don't know
what you missing.

[phone rings]

- I knew I was the pimp.

Hello.

- Hey, baby, I miss you.

- Oh, hi, London.

- Well, don't act so
excited to hear from me.

What, you got some
bitch over there?

- I'ma get another 80.

- [Raymond] I think you
had enough to drink, dog.

- [Bird] I'm just fine.

Thank you.

[Bird thuds]

- I hear a voice.

Who the hell is that tramp?

- No, baby, that's
not another tramp.

That's Bird, okay.

Just let me all you back in
one minute, all right, London?

One minute, one minute.

- Uh-uh, seem like this...

Hello?

Hello?

- Yo, you a'ight, son?

Bird!

Bird!
[phone rings]

Oh.
[Bird thuds]

Hello.

[laughs] Miranda.

What's up, baby girl?

♪ I know I'm in love, boy

♪ I'm so in love with you

- Thank you.

[Tommy laughs]

You're gettin' kind of
close to me, you know that?

- Just tryin' to get a
little closer to you.

That's all.
- Hey.

Put your hands back there.

Come on, come on.

♪ Don't change

♪ I like everything

- Thank you.

Hey, man, come on.

- What?

- Don't touch me like that.

- [Marco] Why you trippin'?

- Marco, I don't like, stop it.

Stop!

- [Marco] Come here, I'm sorry.

- Marco, I'm serious, stop.

You are buggin'!
- Eat yo' ass out.

Give me some more of that, T.

Come on.

[cup clatters]

- [Tommy] Ow!

Ouch!
- Get your ass back there.

- The fuck?

- You are hurting my arm!

Let go of me, stop, Marco!

Let go of me, Marco.

- Shut your ass up!

- You heard the young lady.

Let her go!

- Hey, what you say to me?

- You heard me.

That's why you let her go.

- Ow [grunts]!

- Now mind your
goddamned business

before I bitch slap yo' punk ass

in front of all these people.

- Let her go.

- Or what?

- Or I'm gonna rip yo' ass off

and sew it on your face.

It's gonna hurt like hell
when you take a shit,

but you'll still look the same.

- Ooh!

[Marco spits]

- Yeah, what?

[Donzelli squeals]
[glass clatters]

[fist thuds]

- I told you about that shit.

Touchin' on me
and all that shit!

[fist thuds]
[Marco grunts]

[Donzelli and Marco scream]

- Boy!

I told you to mind your
own business, punk!

Get up out there!

You want some more, nigga?

You want some more?

Come on, nigga.

- Hey, hey, hey,
calm down, calm down!

Hey, hey, hey, calm down,
calm down, The Rock.

Look, look, look, we ain't
gonna have no violence

at the 2003 Boogie Beach Bash.

Now y'all brothers got beef?

We gonna settle it like they
settled it at a true hoedown.

Take it to the bull.

Let's go.

Now instead of
beating each other up

to see who's the biggest man,

we gonna determine who's
the biggest man by seeing

who can ride that there
mechanical bull the longest.

Now which one of y'all is
man enough to go first?

- Huh?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll, I'll do it.

- All right,

what's your name, man?
- Hey, hey.

- And where you from?

- Donzelli, I'm from
Phoenix, Arizona.

- All right, y'all, give it up

for Donzelli from
Phoenix, Arizona.

[crowd cheers]

All right, man, so
hop on over there

and see how long you
stay on that bull.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

and take this with you.

There you go.

- [All] Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- [Man] You can do it, Donzelli!

- [All] Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go!

[Donzelli screams]

[glass clatters]

[crowd applauds]

- [Woman] All right!

- 20 seconds.

Now let's see if the
next man can beat that.

- Aw, hell no.

- [Host] Hey, man,
where you going?

[solemn music]

- Should've socked
that fool in the mouth.

- Thanks for standing
up for me, tonight.

You didn't have to do that.

- I wanted to.

- I misjudged you.

I thought you were
this insensitive guy

who just ran around
sayin' slick shit,

and the only thing you
cared about was gettin'

in somebody's panties.

- Other things are
important to me.

None that I can
think of right now,

but I'm sure there's
some stuff out there

that's important to me.

[both laugh]

- You are so silly.

That's been one of the
things that's been hardest

for me to resist about you,

is your sense of humor.

[gentle music]

- [Donzelli] Oh shit.

- [Tommy] Got it?

- Yeah, yeah, I
got it, I got it.

[Tommy coughs]

- Like I was saying,

I mean, you're not one of
those just out for booty guys

like I thought you were.

That turned out to be Marco.

I've been kind of
short with you.

I bet you think I've
been running around here,

the last couple of days,
acting like a B-I-T-C-H.

- Yeah, yeah, you were, yeah.

Hey!

- You're not supposed
to agree with me.

- Well, hey, I wasn't
gonna say nothin'.

You the one who put
it on the table.

Shoot.

- Well, I'm gonna
go up to my room

and lay down and try and
figure some things out.

Can I get you
anything before I go?

- A condom.

[Tommy tuts]

I'm just playin', girl.

You so fine, I'll
hit it bareback.

- Oh God, good night.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on, now.

You said you had some
things to think about.

What were they?

- Well, Marco was
supposed to be my partner

in catching the Beach Bandit.

And it don't really look
like that's gonna work out.

I was really looking forward
to that reward money, too.

I need it to help pay

for college this coming
fall at Pepperdine.

- I didn't know
you was a brainiac.

You in college?

- Mm-hmm, business major,
going into my sophomore year.

- Well, I can use
some extra Benjamins.

My offer still
stands if you want

to partner up and
catch this foolio.

- Okay.

- Cool.

- If the bandit
comes down this way,

then you'll be prepared here.

And then, you know,
if he comes down,

like, if you can just set him up

or get him down here.

And then again, the
bird call is essential.

Do you remember the bird
call that we worked on?

Coo-coo!

Go to the store.

We need a really good wig
and like a really good dress.

And then, yeah, okay,

so I'm gonna wear this
whole bum costume.

It's a big competition.

We have to keep
the mind focused,

like a soldier, like a soldier.

We need to know exactly
what's going on right here.

Listen, listen.
- Coo-coo, coo-coo!

[gentle music]

♪ Ooh, ooh, I say this

- Good morning!

How's my boo?

- I'm not your boo.

Call me Donzelli.

- Okay, boo.

[hand slaps]

[Sherry giggles]

- Listen, Sherry.

I'm with yo' cousin Tommy now.

- I ain't trippin'.

I don't mind sharin'.

- Well, I do.

So you gonna have to chill with
all the aggressive advances.

I look at you like a
friend or a sister.

And if Tommy and
I stay together,

then that would make
us cousins-in-laws.

- [grunts] Oh so if you
and me got together,

that'd be like
committing incest.

Ooh, no, no.

- Friends?

- Shoot, boy, we family.

Come on and give me a hug.

[upbeat music]

[Sherry squealing]
[Donzelli groaning]

[solemn music]

- Hey, baby.

I didn't know you
was up already.

- I bet you didn't.

- You know, we should
probably get started

if we gonna catch
that Beach Bandit.

- Get dressed and meet me
on the patio in 20 minutes.

♪ Anything that can go
wrong, it goes wrong ♪

♪ And all I can I do is
maintain and hold on ♪

♪ Every day's been passing
me by for so long, man ♪

♪ Man, I want to
see some change ♪

♪ In this life before I'm gone

- We've been out here
for like an hour.

Sun beatin' down on me
like it's Ike and I'm Tina.

My balls so sweaty, they
got more salt on them

than popcorn at Magic
Johnson's theater.

- Stop being a baby, Donzelli.

It's just a little warm.

- It's more than warm.

It's hotter than four
fat hos in a closet.

I don't think nothin'
even going down today.

I'm fixin' to just
get out of here.

I'm through with this.

[Tommy sighs]

[ominous music]

[tense instrumental music]

[Donzelli screams]

- Hey, girl, what, you
a little Roy Jones Jr?

- I got brothers.

[bandit grunts]

- [Tommy And Donzelli] Pablo?

- Hey, man, where do you think

I get all this hot
shit from, man?

I steal it.

Then 24 hours later, I
sell it right back, man.

- Man, stop with that
damn accent, man.

- All right, man, look, man.

A brother's just
tryin' to come up, dog.

That's all, you know.

[siren whines]

- [Officer] All
right, we got this.

- Hey, hey, man.

[baton thuds]

Hey, what?

- Get up, get up!
- Hey, man,

don't hit me, man!
- Get up!

- Don't hit me!

You always tryin'
to hit a brother.

- Woo-hoo!

Can't wait to get up out this
dress and hop in the shower.

What's the matter with her?

[Miranda laughs]

- Take it easy [laughs].

[hand slaps]

- What's up Raymond, Miranda?

- What up, Donzelli?

What's up with the dress?

- Long story, man.

I'll tell you all
about it later.

But you all, you all
dirtier than the South, man.

Whatcha all been doin'?

- Making sandcastles,

playing in the mud.

[Miranda and Raymond laugh]

- I got sand everywhere,

in my ears, my toes.

I even feel sand in my pussy.

- Yo, man, you all done
had one too many cold ones

under the sun.

- We gonna go wash her pussita.

I'ma holler, dog.

- Hey, yo, you seen Bird?

- Huh, oh, nah, but
he got my cell phone.

You see him, tell
him I need my shit.

- [Miranda] I saw
birds and pigeons.

- You gonna see stars next.

[Miranda laughs]

♪ I got more pussies
than the Moulin Rouge ♪

♪ Miss Giuchie, Giuchie, ya
ya couldn't fill my shoes ♪

♪ 'Cause I got what it takes
to rock the mic right ♪

♪ And I got a platinum jet
and about to take a flight ♪

♪ So check your local listings

♪ Freezin' on the time of year

♪ It's Donzelli, baby

♪ So what you gonna do

♪ What you gonna do

♪ Donzelli, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Donzelli

- Yo, hold up, woman.

I was thinkin' we go celebrate,

maybe rent some jet
skis or something.

[Donzelli whines]

- I have things to do today.

- Oh, all right,
well, that's cool.

Maybe we just hook up
later or something.

- I don't want to
see you anymore.

Let's just forget
about last night

and act like nothing
ever happened, okay?

[solemn music]

[bright music]

[Miranda grunts]

- Aren't you getting in?

The water's nice.

[Raymond laughs]

[Raymond sniffs]

- Yeah, but I'm not
much of a bath guy.

So I'll probably
take a shower later.

- Well, can you at
least wash my back?

- Yeah.

- Can you wash it today?

- Yeah.

[Miranda laughs]

Sorry, it's just,

I'm just, like,
mesmerized by your beauty.

[Raymond laughs]

♪ Hey, girl

[doorbell chimes]

- I better get that.

- Hurry back.

- Damn, Bird, you
got the worst timing.

[upbeat music]

- Surprise!

Ooh, this is fabulous!

Oh my goodness, look
at yo' living room.

I'm comin' in.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, Bird's mother called me,

and I guess she spoke
to him last night,

and he sounded upset.

So she had to work, and
I missed my baby brother.

So I decided to come
check on you guys.

- Oh, it's cool then.

Donzelli, Bird and me is fine.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What, you know what?

I didn't want to make
the drive all by myself,

so I brought you
a surprise, too.

Surprise!

- Surprise, baby, hey!

- Sis, what you doin' here?

- Hey, baby, I came
to check on you.

I am so proud of you.

Oh my goodness, I cannot
believe you about to graduate

from a lifeguard school.

We gots to go celebrate.

Come show me the beach, boo.

You better go.

I'm gonna be, come on!
- When I got here,

I planned on, but--
- Whatever.

- Wow, what was that for, baby.

- 'Cause it's just my way
of telling you I missed you.

I missed you so much.

- Oh well, I missed you, too,

but I only been
gone for three days.

- I'm still with
you, 'cause I believe

that your cheating
days are over, baby.

- Raymond,

are you gonna watch
my back or not?

My bathwater's getting cold.

- Who the fuck is her, huh?

- What?

- Oh, let me at her.
- Miranda, run!

- Raymond, what the shit?

Oh no, when I fuck her up,

I'm gonna, let me
at her, Raymond!

- Baby, she's just talking.

She's just talking.
- Oh she's gonna know,

the homewreckin' hoochie!

[Raymond grunts]

- [Raymond] It's not
what it looks like, baby.

Baby, please!

[solemn music]

- What's up, buddy?
[Donzelli grunts]

- What's up?
- Where you been, Bird?

- In the city, in
LA, checkin' it out

in this sad state of
depression I'm in.

- Young, black and
in college, man,

what you depressed for?

- Man, I got kicked out

of the lifeguard
certificate program.

Man, the only reason why
I even came out here was

to lose my virginity.

Hell, the ratio of women to
men our here is five-to-one.

And I still can't score.

- You think you got
the blues, Bird.

I got the blues, 'cause
my live-in girlfriend

of four years just
left me, today.

And I know London.

I know she ain't comin' back.

I know she ain't.

- What happened?
- London popped up,

because of you, man!

Man, you told your mama exactly
where we was staying at.

London came and
popped up on me, man,

caught me cheatin' with Miranda.

- Wait, hold, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa [laughs],

I thought you said
nothin' happened

between you and Miranda.

- Well, nothin' happened,

but it might as well
have happened, man.

Man, I can't even
blame London, man.

I mean, she caught
me red-handed.

The evidence was thick.

- Man, it's better to
have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all.

- And you know the
thing about it, man,

the thing about it is if
even if London didn't pop up

at my door, I'd have probably
did some dirt anyway.

- You still gonna
hook up with Miranda?

- I wish, man.

I lost her, too.

It's like I lost two birds
tryin' to get one bone.

- A bird in the hand always
beats two in the bush.

- Man, what is you,
a cliche whore?

Then stop that, boo, stop it.

- Matter of fact, you
the only one that have

that bombay Boogie
Bash weekend, Donzelli.

- Are you kiddin' me, man?

I met the girl of
my dreams, man,

which before I came up here,

I didn't even think existed.

She hated me.

I got her to like me.

And now she hates me again.

- What she hate you again for?

- That's the thing, man.

I don't even know.

On top of that,
my sister's here,

thinking I done graduated the
lifeguard certificate program,

which I didn't even sign up for.

On top of that on top of
that, I didn't even get

to enter my tape in
the mixed CD contest,

'cause I ain't
have enough money.

- I thought you and Tommy
caught the Beach Bandit,

and y'all got the reward, huh?

- We did, man.

And I went down there
to register today,

and said it was too late, man.

They had already took
in all the submissions,

listened to the tapes.

Nothing they can do.

That was that.

- The early bird gets the worm.

- Hey, you, say, say it again.

Say it again, one more time,

with one of them
goddamned cliches,

I'm gonna slap the
shit out of you,

and you know I'd do it.

- You know he'd do it.

So what are we
gonna do now, man?

- We got a long, long,
long bus ride ahead of us

in the morning.

What do you say we just go
to this closing night shindig

and dance our badonkadonks off.

And I mean just party
like a motherfucker!

- Party like it's 1999!

[hand slaps]

[Raymond and Bird laugh]

- Man, let's do this damn thing.

- All right.

How 'bout Cali Beach
Boogie Bash on three?

- Yeah.

- [All] One, two, three,

Cali Boogie Beach Bash!

- [Bird] That's right.

We gonna do the damn thing, man!

♪ We sippin' more than Bacardi

♪ Clubbin' all night long

♪ We clubbin' all night long

♪ Rock the party

♪ It's time to get
it all started ♪

♪ Rock the party

♪ We're sippin'
more than Bacardi ♪

♪ Clubbin' all night long

♪ We clubbin' all night long

♪ Rock the party

- Hey, what's up, Sher?

- Hey, Bird.

- What's the matter with you?

Why you lookin' all sad?

- You know, I
haven't had much luck

with romance this weekend.

I guess my fantasy's not to be.

- What was your fantasy?

- All I wanted was to
have sex butt-naked

on the beach, in the
sand, near the ocean.

- For real?

All I wanted to do was
just to have sex, period.

That's why I drove out here.

- [Host] Okay,
everybody, give it up

for contestant number one--

- [Bird] Come on, come on now.

- [Host] Rebel Rouser!

[crowd cheers]

- Go on, hit that, ready?

All right, now move
your fist like this!

[crowd hoots]

♪ Since you doin' this
thing all crazy like this ♪

♪ I need to know these
girls goin' through now ♪

♪ Ladies comin' through now

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Get up

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Put your hands up

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Get up

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Put your hands up

♪ The girls flew
in from Kotahena ♪

♪ At a quarter past one

♪ So I took 'em to
the Latin quarters ♪

♪ And knew there
we'd have some fun ♪

♪ So many sexy papis

♪ Strollin' across the floor

♪ Just another chance for us

♪ To get what we came here for

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Get up

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Put your hands up

♪ It's getting hot now

♪ I can hardly breathe

♪ So nobody want to
leave the floor ♪

- [laughs] London!

- Sorry to disappoint you, papi.

- Oh no disappointment.

- Ah, ah, ah, where's
your girl, huh?

- She's not here.

Look, look, I'm sorry about
what happened this afternoon.

- Huh, don't fib.

- Okay.

- [laughs] Call me Marion Jones,

'cause I opened up that
window in the bedroom.

I jumped out and
did a 200-yard dash.

Vroom, I was gone.

- Damn, man, I am

sorry I didn't say I
had a girlfriend, too.

- Oh we were just hanging out.

It's no big deal.

I mean, maybe I should've asked.

Hey, you ever come
back to LA, look me up.

We'll hang out.

- I'm definitely
comin' back to LA.

- Mira, why we standing
around here moping?

Let's take it to
the dance floor.

If you're nice,

I might drop it like
it's hot [laughs].

- Oh Lord Jesus, help me now.

[crowd cheers]

- All right, man.

All right, y'all,

that was contestant
number one, Rebel Rouser,

make some noise!

[crowd cheers]

[solemn music]

- I got a man [laughs].

This is Jermaine.

Jermaine, this is my
baby bro, Don, Donzelli.

Look, you know, I met
Jermaine a few hours ago,

and I know I have a history
of not keepin' a man.

Well, honey, this
one is a keeper.

- Slow down, sis,
you just met the man.

You gonna scare him off.

- I ain't gonna scare him.

Will I scare you?

- Oh no, baby.

- Mwuah, tastes like chicken.

- You kids have fun tonight.

Take care of my sis, Jermaine.

- Oh for sure, player.

- Oh, um, you know, when
they called the new set

of lifeguards up on stage,

why didn't they call your name?

- Yeah, well, that's,
you know, it like,

it's like, uh, see,
that's the thing,

is when I showed up late.

And when you show up late,
they don't call your name

or call you on stage
or none of that.

- Late?

- All right, look, sis,

I didn't complete the program.

I didn't even sign up.

We just been out
here, just partyin'.

[crowd cheers]

- All right, y'all, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

gonna stop the party
for just a minute.

All right, all
right, the promoters

of the Cali Boogie
Beach Bash have asked me

to give out these reward checks

and a couple of
medals of courage

for those responsible for
catching the Beach Bandit

and for keepin'
our beaches safe,

Tomasina Stevens and
Donzelli Waters, y'all.

Make some noise!

[crowd cheers]

- That's why they didn't
call you up on stage

with everyone else.

My God, you're a hero.

That's like a lifeguard
valedictorian.

Boy, you had me fooled.

Playin' with me.

You better quit playin' with me.

You go on with your bad self.

Yeah, that my baby brother!

- There you go.

There you go.

[crowd cheers]

- Baby!

- Give it up for them, y'all!

[crowd cheers]

- Y'all see that?

He the man!

[crowd cheers]

- All right, back
to the music, y'all.

[gentle music]

- Donzelli, Donzelli, wait.

- What's this?

- I'm sorry.

I blew it.

Once again, I misjudged you.

But I did something special.

- Oh no, no, no, no,
no, look, Tomasina,

I mean, Tommy, you fine.

I mean, you really, really,
like, you, you, you know,

you real [laughs] fine.

But you play too many games.

And you're selfish.

You don't ever do nothin'
for anybody but yourself.

You can have your
damn flower back.

I'm gonna keep it movin'.

- Noise for contestant
number two, Donzelli, yeah!

[crowd cheers]

- You better get to the stage.

You don't want to
miss your big break.

♪ Donzelli

♪ Donzelli

♪ The money, the cars

♪ The houses, behind bars

♪ The platinum, the chains

♪ The diamonds, the rings

♪ Post it up, there
ain't no fever, doctor ♪

♪ Shootin' the shit

♪ All up in my Escalade parked

♪ Workin' in the shade

♪ I got everything,
that's what they tell me ♪

♪ Shake yo' ass, pop your
collar, do it, Donzelli ♪

♪ Uh, ma'am, uh, miss

♪ Right now, just
twerking like this ♪

♪ Ballin' to the max,
tryin' to relax ♪

♪ Jackin' my slacks,
spittin' at all the rats ♪

♪ All right, one
just took the bait ♪

♪ And now it's time for the
Don to make his escape ♪

♪ Back to the Zelli Cave
so I can have my way, man ♪

♪ You got some Courvoisier

♪ All we drink is Rossi, babe

♪ All we drink is Rossi, babe

♪ All we drink is Rossi

♪ Don't you know that

♪ Oh, oh, oh,
Donzelli, Donzelli ♪

♪ Donzelli, Donzelli, Donzelli

♪ Oh, oh, if you
got whip like mine ♪

♪ With rims that shine
and watch this shine ♪

♪ So watch your
eyes, it blinds ♪

♪ And some girls that fine

♪ No nickels, all dimes

♪ It's about that time

♪ For me to make
these girls mine ♪

♪ So skip the wine and dine

♪ You tryin' to read my mind

♪ I'm tryin' to read that ass

♪ And hit it so quick, so fast

♪ Zelli be here one minute

♪ Then he punch on the gas

♪ I've got more pussies
than the Moulin Rouge ♪

♪ Miss Giuchie, Giuchie, ya
ya couldn't fill my shoes ♪

♪ 'Cause I got what it takes
to rock the mic right ♪

♪ And I got a platinum jet
and about to take a flight ♪

♪ So check your local listing

♪ Freezin' on the time of year

♪ It's Donzelli, baby,
so what you gonna do ♪

♪ What you gonna do, huh

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh,
Donzelli, Donzelli ♪

♪ Donzelli, Donzelli, Donzelli

♪ Oh, oh, go Donzelli,
go Donzelli ♪

♪ Go Donzelli, go
Donzelli, go Donzelli ♪

♪ Go Donzelli, go
Donzelli, go Donzelli ♪

[crowd cheers]

- All right, y'all,

that was contestant
number two, Donzelli!

Make some noise!

[crowd cheers]

All right, all right,

if I can have both contestants
back on stage, please.

Give it up for them, y'all.

[crowd cheers]

All right.

Now the moment you've
all been waitin' for.

The winner of the
mixed CD competition

and the grand prize,
which includes $10,000

and a record contract
on E-40's label is

aw, yeah, Rebel Rouser!

[Rebel screams]
[crowd cheers]

- Oh, I would like to say
thank you to everyone.

[solemn music]

- Cat got your tongue?

- Thanks, girl, for entering me

into the mixed CD competition.

I owe you big-time.

- Then shut up and kiss me.

Are we cool?

- Like a butt-naked Eskimo
chillin' in the snow [laughs]!

- Hey, here comes your friend.

You still gonna
introduce me, right?

- Uh, yeah, see, the
thing is, you know,

he don't really
like to be bothered

right before he performs
or nothin' like that.

Maybe after the show [mumbles].

- [E-40] What's up, sis?

- [Tommy] Hey.

- [E-40] How you doing?

- I'm good.
- Yeah.

- Hey, I want you to meet
my boyfriend, Donzelli.

- What's up, pimp,
so how are you?

- Hey.

- No fingerprints, no evidence.

- Right, yeah, Mr., uh, yeah--

- E-40.

- Mr. E-40.

- Yeah, you doin' right
by my sister, right?

- Oh hell yeah, yeah,
for sure, yeah, man.

She's, I'm doing right.

- How would you all like
to join me on stage?

- Hell yeah!

That's, yeah, yeah, shit.

- See you there.

- All right.

- It's all gravy.

- Why you didn't tell
me your brother's E-40?

- Because you didn't ask.

- Well, if that's your brother,

what the hell you doin'
chasin' beach bandits

for tuition and lifeguarding?

- I like being a lifeguard.

Besides, he pays
for the beach house,

so the least I can do
is pay my own tuition.

- What?

Yo, Tommy, wait!

Hold up, Tommy!

You think you could
talk to your brother

about getting me in
the music business,

give me a record
deal or my own label?

A label would be nice.

You think he could do
that, like a label.

♪ I want to F double
EL, G double OD ♪

♪ Baby, how 'bout
some bubblegum pink ♪

♪ If I claim it, then name it

♪ Want to feel real good

♪ Make a meal with my skill

♪ But I'm still so good

♪ Want to F double
EL, G double OD ♪

♪ Baby, how 'bout
some bubblegum pink ♪

♪ If I claim it,sergeant
then name it ♪

♪ Want to feel real good

♪ Make a meal with my skill

♪ But I'm still so hood

♪ Call it levitation

♪ 'Cause I really move myself

♪ I'm grrr, tired of
tryin' to prove myself ♪

♪ Want to lose myself

♪ Like Eminem,
with carrying 'em ♪

♪ Pool parties, sip Bacardis

♪ Sip about 10 of 'em

♪ Hit you with my synonyms

♪ I like my ice on

♪ I'm the right guy for
honey with the light on ♪

♪ Who's that nigga on Venice
with the quick smile ♪

♪ In the baby blue Benz

♪ Ooh, look at that, child

♪ Ooze like a
crocodile out the tub ♪

♪ We butt-naked for a
second, sippin' on bubbly ♪

♪ Me and my bitches,
granting my wishes ♪

♪ Swordfish for appetizers

♪ Fuck those dishes

♪ But so vision, I
could buy you anything ♪

♪ Hell, hot as hell

♪ We could light a
fire in the rain ♪

♪ Jaguar on the thing

♪ It feels so good

♪ I think about the smile
but I'm still so hood ♪

♪ I want to F double
EL, G double OD ♪

♪ Baby, how 'bout
some bubblegum pink ♪

♪ If I claim it, then name it

♪ Want to feel real good

♪ Make a meal with my skill

♪ But I'm still so hood

♪ Want to F double
EL, G double OD ♪

♪ Baby, how about
some bubblegum pink ♪

♪ If I claim it, then name it

♪ Want to feel real good

♪ Make a meal with my skill

♪ But I'm still so hood

♪ Just to wake up and not
notice no notices and bills ♪

♪ That turn the perfect
day into a murder ♪

♪ Bills killed that

♪ Nigga, can you feel that

♪ H make the B bang

♪ Hundred grand advance

♪ Say they nothin'
but a cheap thing ♪

♪ T double OD

♪ We bubble slowly

♪ H two for the crew

♪ He ain't never told me

♪ Sleek, leather coats

♪ We break it down burgundy

♪ Ladies lookin' thirsty

♪ Hurts, she thinkin'
about slurpin' me ♪

♪ 'Cause we automatically
stroll in after we ♪

♪ 'Cause catastrophe,
caught up in the rapture ♪

♪ We don't have to
sun dance to play ♪

♪ The money, the cars

♪ The houses, behind bars

♪ The platinum, the chains

♪ The diamonds, the rings

♪ Post it up, there
ain't no fever, doctor ♪

♪ Shootin' the shit

♪ All up in my
Escalade, parked ♪

♪ Workin' in the shade

♪ I got everythin',
that's what they tell me ♪

♪ Shake yo' ass, pop your
collar, do it, Donzelli ♪

♪ Uh, ma'am, uh, miss

♪ Right now, just
twerking like this ♪

♪ Ballin' to the max

♪ Tryin' to relax

♪ Jackin' my slacks

♪ Spittin' at all the rats

♪ Oh boy, one just
took the bait ♪

♪ And now it's time for the
Don to make his escape ♪

♪ Back to the Zelli cave
so I can have my way made ♪

♪ You have some Courvoisier

♪ All we drink is Rossi, babe

♪ All we drink is Rossi, babe

♪ All we drink is Rossi

♪ Don't you know,
that's all we drink ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh,
Donzelli, Donzelli ♪

♪ Donzelli, Donzelli, Donzelli

♪ Oh, oh, if you got a whip
like mine with rims that shine ♪

♪ And watch the shine

♪ So watch your
eyes, it blinds ♪

♪ And some girls that fine

♪ No nickels, all dimes

♪ It's about that time

♪ For me to make
these girls mine ♪

♪ So skip the wine and dine

♪ You tryin' to read my mind

♪ I'm tryin' to read that ass

♪ And hit it so quick, so fast

♪ Zelli be there one minute

♪ Then he punch on the gas

♪ I've got more pussies
than the Moulin Rouge ♪

♪ Miss Giuchie, Giuchie, ya
ya couldn't fill my shoes ♪

♪ 'Cause I got what it takes
to rock the mic right ♪

♪ And I got a platinum jet
and about to take a flight ♪

♪ So check your local listing

♪ Freezin' on the talent
here is Donzelli, baby ♪

♪ So what you gonna do

♪ What you donna do, huh

♪ You don't know

♪ Donzelli, whoa, oh, oh,
oh, Donzelli, Donzelli ♪

♪ Donzelli, Donzelli,
Donzelli, oh, oh ♪

♪ Yeah, that's me,
Donzelli, Donzelli ♪

♪ Donzelli, Donzelli,
Donzelli, oh, oh ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it,
shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it, shake
it, shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it,
shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it,
shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Shake it, shake
that, shake that ♪

♪ Shake that, shake that

♪ Shake it, shake it,
shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Shake it, shake it,
shakety-shakety-shake it ♪

♪ Shickity, shickity shake it

♪ Shake it, shake it,
shake it, shake, shake it ♪

♪ Shake it, shake
that, shake that ♪

♪ Shake that, shake that

♪ Hey, Donzelli, uh-huh

♪ Hey, Donzelli,
you like me, huh ♪

♪ Hey, Donzelli, you
ain't gettin' none ♪

♪ I'm Donzelli

♪ See, uh-uh, go
Donzelli, go Donzelli ♪

♪ Go Donzelli, go
Donzelli, go Donzelli ♪

♪ Go Donzelli, go Donzelli,
go Donzelli, go Donzelli ♪

♪ Go Donzelli, go
Donzelli, go Donzelli ♪

♪ Go Donzelli, go Donzelli,
go Donzelli, go Donzelli ♪

♪ Go Donzelli, go Donzelli,
go Donzelli, go Donzelli ♪