Making Off (2012) - full transcript

Cédric Dupuis, a fledgling independent filmmaker, has set out to make the most terrifying horror film of all time. But shooting without any budget to speak of and a cast of his friends, Cédric soon realizes the frustration of indie film-making. The only way for Cédric to get the realism he wants is to actually murder his cast on camera. This is his documentary of the events that unfolded during the making of his opus. One of the most disturbing films of recent years with a sickening dose jet-black humor.


Story by

Written by

Produced by

Directed by/ Interpreted by
Cédric Dupuis

And now...
Believe it or not...

I am Cédric Dupuis.

In memorium

This is not an opening sequence.
It's merely a foreword.

A few things about this movie.

Frankly speaking, this is not
a real movie. In fact...

I wanted to direct the best...

horror movie flick ever...

Instead of showing you a turkey,
I'll show you the "dailies".

For those who don't know
what "dailies" are,

and I know you are a few...
it's "unedited footage".

You won't see a movie...
just a Making-Of.

Don't worry, I tried to make it
as punchy as possible.

Movies are dynamic.

I did some editing...

added some music...
sound effects...

I used a filter,
to make it look like...

a real movie...

The picture quality is quite poor.

This introduction is now over.

You might want to watch
the movie.

In my opinion...

this will be an outstanding
moment of cinema.

Enjoy.

- Hi, darling?
- Hey.

- You OK?
- And you?

I had a hard day.

A shower, some food
and a good night's sleep.

Wait, I want to show you
something...

1st Step:
Introducing the project.

- Look!
- What's that?

- A camera.
- I know.

- Are you shooting?
- Yes. Shouldn't I?

- I don't like that.
- Sorry, but I have to.

Really? What for?

- For my documentary.
- About me?

Not about you.

I need to record everything,
because I'm shooting a movie.

OK - you want to shoot
with this camera?

No! This is the movie.

- When did you have this idea?
- It's always the same!

You don't trust me?

- I don't believe it...
- It's not about trust.

Why did you buy this camera?
We can't even pay our taxes.

You want me to be happy?

- Let me show you something else.
- What?

A Power Mac G5.

- The PC?
- I threw it away!

- There was not enough room.
- But it was portable...

- You never used it anyway.
- Are you crazy?

What is happening?

Ok. How could I edit HD pictures
with your PC?

You're crazy!
Stop it!

Where did you get the money?

- Online credit. Very simple.
- "Very simple"!

Fuck you.
Leave me alone!

Aline is overwhelmed
by the good news.

She's always been a bit
emotional.

I'm sure she's very happy.
This is great news...

Quite normal.

Maybe I'll wait before telling her,
that I quit my job.

I want to focus on my project.

Since this is a Making-Of,

I want to show you my home.

This is my vault.
Home, sweet home.

Aline never comes down here.

I keep myself busy here.

Yes, I love DIY.
I'm very talented. Like my dad.

When we bought this house
with Aline, it was falling apart.

We wanted to renovate
all rooms by ourselves.

Well, one room a year.
Well... I did.

I did not marry Jane Lockhart.

At the other hand...
lucky for me.

When the movie is completed,
I'll be rich and famous,

I'll pay some guys
to fix this house.

I'll travel around the world
with Aline.

No Romanian workers...
Renovating is not like windshield cleaning.

Time flies, when you're
having fun.

I'll introduce you to
my best friend, Mathieu.

I asked my team members
for a meeting.

That's it.

I'll wait until someone opens the door.

- What's that?
- A camera.

Nice.

Quiet, please!

First of all... thank you.
Thanks for coming here today.

Let me introduce you.

My best friend, Mathieu.

Camille, his wife. They've been
married for 6 months now.

- Feels more like 6 years...
- Are you shooting?

- Her cat.
- Our wedding gift. Aract.

- Because cat's attract.
- Nice wordplay.

Jonathan, a work colleague.

- Where is Arnaud?
- He doesn't return my calls.

Try again.
I need him here.

Now we finished the introduction,

let me tell you why I wanted you
all here today.

We'll shoot the best horror
movie ever.

- Why are you shooting now?
- For the Making-Of.

Thanks, Jonathan!

For the best movie ever,

you need the best Making-Of
ever.

- You'll be shooting all the time?
- Of course.

Let me tell you the plot.

It's the story of a group
of friends...

They gather together
during a week-end...

and one of them goes crazy
and kills everybody.

I'm not a horror buff,
but I don't think it's very...

What? That's why you quit
your day job?

How could I shoot such
a great movie,

if I were still working in a factory?

Tell me?

You already quit, so...
maybe I should tell you...

Arnaud got your job.

- Arnaud?
- Yeah.

Let's read the script together.

After that, I'll interview you
for the Making-Of.

We'll talk about characters...
and what you think about them.

Thank you, Arnaud, for coming.

How did you react
when you saw me filming?

I thought you were ridiculous.

It's good to have dreams...
but don't overreact.

You see what I mean?
No?

I was a little surprised.

Dunno...
Same as my darling.

What do you think
of the project?

- You want me to tell the truth?
- Wait and see...

I prefer comedies.

What do you think of your part?

I love it!
I'm the lead actor.

But I'd like to review
the last scene.

You could have been more considerate.
I'm the first one to die.

I like my part,
since I get to kill Camille.

I don't want to be compared
to "Walker, Texas Ranger"...

- or some hero like that.
- What do you prefer most?

- Killing Camille.
- It's my friend's movie.

Once it's released,
I'll be able to show off.

The plot is scary...
so it might frighten all the girls.

You really want a double
for Camille?

2nd Step: First day of shooting.

I just edited the opening
sequence.

This scene is very accurate

and gives a good insight
into the plot,

which is great.

Let me show you the first scene.
The opening sequence.

I hope you'll enjoy it.

Hi, Baby. You OK?

I forgot my keys.
Luckily you're still home.

Jonathan called.

- Is he OK?
- Is he back from his holiday?

- I thought of inviting him.
- Stop thinking.

You don't want to see your old...
buddy?

You haven't seen him for
6 months.

Of course.

What? You seem troubled.

I can't forget about
this terrible mishap.

I'm so sorry for you.

I could invite Arnaud...
and Jonathan.

We'd have fun.

We'd spend some time
together and you might forget...

about your nightmares.

Yes... we'll have fun.

I admit, it's not as good
as I thought.

I decided to talk to them
tomorrow...

Even if they've been friends
for a long time,

I don't want such details
to threaten my project.

When you start a huge project
such as mine,

you realize 24 hours a day
are not enough.

I decided to re-organize myself.

I decided to skip sleeping.

We are quite useless
while sleeping.

How to skip sleep? Easy.

Three solutions.
Number one...

Coffee.
Gallons and gallons of coffee.

Number two...

Thermal shock.

Number three...

Hurting yourself.

Incredible.
Aline having breakfast.

A cup of coffee and...

- a cookie of unknown origin.
- You didn't sleep?

I know... But it's not as easy
as you think.

- How is it going?
- Some trouble with the score.

Wasn't Arnaud supposed
to help you?

Yes, but Arnaud is a DJ.

His music is good for nightclubs.
I'm doing a movie.

Ask him again to do it.

No, I'm gonna ask Raphaël.

- You remember him?
- Yes, he's cool.

- Did you tell Arnaud?
- Are you done with Arnaud?

Arnaud this, Arnaud that...

Stop it with Arnaud!

Stop shouting at me
so early in the morning!

- Go to bed and fuck yourself.
- Don't talk to me like that.

It's always the same
when talking about Arnaud.

What? You're shooting so
early in the morning. Stop it!

Stop fucking with Arnaud!
I'm watching you.

Turn the camera off!

Arnaud introduced us.
Why are you jealous?

I never said anything about you
and Camille.

- Camille is married to Mathieu!
- They weren't together before.

Stop shooting!

Step 3: Starting all over.

You're probably asking yourselves,
how did I get here?

Easy. I took the car.

If I'm here now, it's because...
I think this place...

is very peaceful.

Quiet and...good for a rest.

Yes, I need to rest.

I wanted to show you this bench.

This beautiful bench in front of...
this beautiful view.

I kissed Aline here
for the very first time.

Nice place to start a relationship,
right?

Actually we met in a nightclub,

like millions of other jerks.

She was so drunk, she mistook
me for her ex.

I'm fucked.

We're 40 minutes late...
thanks to Arnaud.

Get yourself a job.

Finally together.
I finished the editing

- and there is a small problem.
- Did you erase the tapes?

No way. Though I should have,
seeing it's all...

...crap. We need to start all over.

- From the beginning?
- Right! Don't act like that.

I was just asking.

If you'd have seen the movie...
You would understand.

- We start all over?
- Yes, we do it all again.

Listen, Darling...
especially you.

If you'd do better, we wouldn't
have to start all over.

On a mediocrity scale,
we'd be the champions.

- We're amateurs.
- That's for sure.

- I'm the director, right?
- Yes!

- And you are...?
- Actors... Comedians.

- It's the same, right?
- Yes, but who cares.

The actors need to
obey the director.

You do... what I tell you to.

Take 5 minutes.

I'll go for a smoke,
then we'll continue.

That's it...

I told them off

and restored order.

Right.

That was perfect...
I was perfect.

What are you doing?
Why did you knock the table?

You're the killer. You're moving calm,
but you should kick ass instead.

You didn't see them
in 6 months.

So?

Stop laughing!

- But...
- Are you shitting me?

What are you doing?
Walking like a zombie?

Mathieu, I wanted...
Where are you going?

- Stand on your mark.
- Shut up! Sorry...

I was really into it... sorry.

Mathieu...do you
know about Griffon?

We're not shooting
Harry Potter!

Fuck... you woke up,
that's great.

I asked you to put a shirt on!

You didn't sleep...
You had nightmares...

Your cat is dead!
This is cinema. OK?

It's cinema. Go!

- That's my last shot for today.
- Where are you going?

My friends are waiting for me.

No! You've were
40 minutes late...

- You are not leaving yet.
- Don't talk to me like that!

When putting on your shirt,

the audience needs to feel
something.

You don't want me
to see my friends? Shut up!

There's no emotion!

I'm trying to explain all to them.
They need to improve.

I really want to finish this,
but they need to be better.

I'm fucked!

Not everyone is born an artist,
but come on...

If we want to succeed,
we have to fight for it.

I decided to edit today's
dailies.

The sequence I'll show you
is the one before the slaughter.

It's truly an interesting scene.

It explains the reason for
the future massacre.

Enjoy.

- You OK, Arnaud?
- Yes.

I feel a little nervous.

What's going on? You know
you can tell me everything.

I can't tell you.

Go ahead.

I didn't tell you,

because of Mathieu.

You know, the black car...

I know, Griffon's death
was a real shock.

But come on...
Griffon was only a cat.

Nothing will ever replace
Griffon.

He should get over it.

He doesn't sleep any more.
He's not crazy.

Right.

He scared me cutting
the chicken.

- What are you talking about?
- Arnaud...

You scared him, cutting the
chicken as if it was a human body.

Right.
You don't like my humour?

Maybe you'll prefer my deeds.

Where are you going?

- To cut some wood...
- Right...

before cutting something else.

Did you see how he talks to me?
I'm sure, he was threatening me.

Stop it.
You're paranoid.

What is she doing?
I asked her to come home early

to show her the latest progress
on my project.

I don't have...
any more time to lose!

I can't lose any more time.

I hope she'll pick up the phone.

If she says she's with Arnaud...

I'll be pissed...

There she is...
Yes, that's her.

Step 4:
Everybody is pissing me off.

- What do you think?
- It's crap

What?

Is that why you're getting us
in trouble?

What?
We're not in trouble.

It's an investment.

Do you really think you'll
make any money from that?

It's not my fault,
if the actors suck.

You know from the very beginning,
if an actor is good or bad.

Maybe it's your fault?

It's not only the actors
that suck.

Tell me, why is it my fault?

The dialogues are well
and precise...

Your dialogues suck.

I had to cut out Aline's
scandalous remarks that followed.

I don't agree with what such
non-artistic people think.

Seeing you're the biggest fan
of "The Bold And The Beautiful",

you'd better shut up and listen
to people like me!

Talented artists like me!

- Foolish idiots!
- Where are you going?

- I need to calm down.
- I see.

- You can't stand the truth.
- What truth?

That you're an asshole?

Or that we're in dept
because of your shit?

Or that we won't have any friends
any more...

You're talking about Arnaud again,
bitch!

I never mentioned Arnaud!

He can't stand the fact
that I'm a director.

I think he can't stand
your fucking attitude!

You talked to him?

- What's wrong with you?
- When did you talk to him?

When did you fuck together?

Darling?

We got carried away!

Give me another chance.

If you want...
and I'm OK with it...

we could spend some
quality time together.

Did you hear me?

I'm coming.

Hello. Jonathan?

I'm not disturbing you?
You OK?

Don't worry, I'm fine.

I would like to...

I need someone to talk to...
What are you doing...

right now?

Will you have a drink
with me?

That sounds fine.

Let me freshen up
and I'll join you.

Thanks.

You're shooting here?
Don't!

- I'll be in trouble.
- Why would you?

I'm in deeper shit than you.

We came here to talk and relax.
The camera won't help.

I need to record everything.

I have to...
it's the best way to...

- Let's go over there...
- What's going on?

I don't want to talk about it.

- It's Aline?
- How do you know?

- I talked to Arnauld.
- You talked to this shithead?

They know each other
for a long time.

He said, she's not doing well...
He's fucking her.

You're right. It's about Aline.
We had a fight.

Fuck, Come here!
Shut up!

I don't give a shit about
your excuses!

- I'm sorry!
- I don't care!

Shut the fuck up!

- How did it all start?
- Because of that motherfucker!

You sure?

She said it was because of my
movie, but I know it was an excuse.

- You sure?
- I'm not stupid!

If I'm right,
I already made my decision.

I won't give up on my dream
for a simple love story.

- What are you going to do?
- Some changes...

That's all.

- Will you cool down?
- What do you mean?

I don't want to hurt you...

but these last few weeks,
you've been...

- Mean?
- I don't know...

Fuck.

Why don't you get wet?

Imagine you would stop with your movie?

You still have the dailies.

Why don't you do...
a Making-Of?

A movie within the movie...
That sounds great.

Pardon me...

You want me to stop my movie
to do a documentary about us?

It would be the first Making-Of
on the big screen.

You really think there would be
people stupid enough,

to go out and pay 8 Euros

to see a bunch of idiots
in a Making-Of, in the cinema?

The world is full of idiots...

You think I'm an idiot?

Impossible!

This bastard told me to stop
the movie! Doesn't he realize?

Every year, a bunch of clowns

become famous by doing stupid
things in front of a camera!

They're not smarter than me!

I don't want to wake up
every morning like an asshole.

I want to do something to prove
what I'm capable of.

I want to accomplish my dream.

I think they're jealous.
Right, they're jealous

of me and what I'm capable of.
They might be my friends...

But there should not be any
jealousy between real friends.

No friends are like that.

They want to let me down?

I trust them

and they shit on me!
I have to calm down...

I need to keep focused...
I'll change the script... cool...

because, I'll fuck them all.

I'll force them to play their parts
until the end!

They will see what I'm capable of.
They will see!

No way!
I don't know, if they realize.

They piss me off...Fuck!

Bastards!

She's still here...

I'm Raphaël... 30 years old.

I'm the movie's score composer...
I hope so...

I have no other choice.

I'll resume the plot for you.

4 friends spend the week-end
together

and one of them
has been traumatized,

- goes berserk and kills everybody.
- Simple story...

- You're the simple one!
- That's not what I meant.

Remember the classics...
Hitchcock, Kubrick...

Why not be inspired
by them?

- People who died 50 years ago...
- So?

You should refer to what
has been done before.

Ozu, Bresson...

My actors already
pissed me off. If you do...

I'll never finish this fucking
movie!

Listen and tell me
what you think.

- Sure... if it's OK for you.
- Here we go.

Not bad. When did you do that?

- Six months ago.
- Honestly... It's quite good.

It's good stuff.
The lyrics... great!

Can I have the rights
for my movie?

Step 5: First day of shooting.

Without Arnaud.

Sorry, Darling...
Where are the others?

- In the room next door.
- Fucking again?

I met Cédric yesterday.
We talked.

Apparently they had a fight.

- It's a little tense between them.
- She drives me nuts.

- She asks me to call her.
- Why doesn't she call back?

It's been less than
24 hours... I'm fucked.

Everything's fine, if only we spent
over an hour filming this scene...

Jonathan, stop laughing!

I'm just nervous...

Maybe a few kicks in your face
would help?

Dunno...
but it would certainly hurt.

- Let's go.
- I'm not ready yet.

Are you kidding me?

Action!

How are you feeling today,
Jonathan?

Not very god...
I mean good!

You're shitting me!

Focus, Jonathan!

Focus!
And you too, darling!

It's not my fault...

It's because of the Pope's
visit on TV...

- I don't get it...
- I'm fed up.

Fed up of this crap?

I'm fed up with you comedians!

- Don't get upset.
- Sit on your ass and leave it to us.

Don't talk to her like that!

If I'm like that, it's because
I have to deal with you!

You spend hours smoking
outside...

- If you were doing any good...
- What's going on?

Keep shitting,
I'm talking to Jonathan.

- You call this talking?
- I'm out of here!

- Bastard! You are leaving us?
- Yes! I'm fed up.

OK then, go fuck yourself.

Yeah, right!

When can't you admit being
a loser, you are upset.

- You OK?
- I'm pissed off.

- By what?
- Everything.

I'm releasing pressure,
that's all.

Why do you keep shooting
this movie?

Are you kidding me?
That's all I have left...

It was just asking.
I get it, everything is fine.

All I want is to rewrite
the script.

What do you want us
to do right now?

I'd like to shoot the opening
sequence again,

so it might match the scenes
we've already shot.

- Since we lost two actors...
- We continue shooting?

What's your problem?

Action!

Jonathan just called.
We should invite them.

He's spending his holidays
with Arnaud.

- Why are you closing your eyes?
- Because of the light...

Go back outside... go!

Fuck! Leave her alone,
we're shooting a movie!

- Should I open the door?
- Didn't you tell me to come in?

- Explain it to her!
- You suck.

He didn't say "Action".

Action!

- What was myline?
- Suckers...

The next shot will be fine.
Start with the phone call...

Jonathan just called.

He spends his holidays with Arnaud.
I thought we might invite them.

Are you thinking now?

Stop!

- No, wait...
- No, you are always laughing.

- I'm fed up.
- I did fine.

Camille... forget it...

Next is the bath tub scene.

The bath tub scene.

- What bath?
- That one.

- Go ahead.
- Are you crazy?

- You never told me to get naked.
- Right...

I only came up with that scene
yesterday, you couldn't know.

I won't do it.

You need to be prepared,
if you want to become famous.

I gave you the part without
taking your panties off.

- What do you mean?
- Trust me.

Do you trust me? Look here.

Don't touch my shirt!

I want to show your shoulder.
It will make things more exciting.

I don't want your tits
in the picture.

- I just want to see your ass.
- How dare you ask me that?

Who you think you are?

Don't touch my camera!

Leave me alone!

Let the water fill your lungs.

She was acting like a superstar.

Done is done...
It's impossible to go back.

It reminds me of Aline's death,

but this one lacks drama.
Every movie needs a guideline.

There are always rules.

I need to do to Camille
what I did to Aline.

And I will do to Camille,
what I did to Aline.

I can't stick it in!

Seems Mathieu hasn't been here
very often.

I know what you're thinking...
that she died too quickly

without imagination.
You're right...

but I might have the solution.

I almost forgot about
the camera.

Mathieu? Can I borrow some tools
from your cellar?

- Go ahead.
- Thanks.

- Careful! Don't mess around.
- I'm no pig.

Hammer and chisel...very efficient.

The hammer.

A broken bottle.

Getting serious.

Are you ready?
Let's go!

I'll mess up her face...
but with style.

Maybe you already saw
such a thing on the internet,

on YouTube or other sites...
I'll do the "beat box".

What that is?

People, who produce sounds
with objects or with their mouth.

The editing helps to create
the music. I'll do the same.

Watch.

3... 2...1... let's go.

Camille... what are you doing?

What did you do?

I'll call the police, motherfucker!

Why is everybody pissing me off?

Mathieu!

Cut the crap!

Hang up the phone!
I'll hurt you, Mathieu!

- I'll kill you!
- Cut the crap!

Motherfucker!
What did you do?

I'm so sorry!
I fucked Mathieu big way...

He looks strong,
but he didn't stand a chance.

I'm sorry.
This is the first time.

The battery died.

I killed Mathieu,

then I cut up Camille

and put her in those bags
over there.

Then I cut up Mathieu...

well... I started before realizing
the camera wasn't recording any more.

No more battery.

What?

Yes... I remember...

the guideline...
I came up with it.

I remember what I did to Camille
and Aline, but...

this time it's different.

It's those with the biggest mouth,
who have the smallest...

I was thinking... In every movie,
there are certain stars...

you know, people whose face
remind you of someone else,

but you never remember
their names.

They never get the leading part.

Not in my movie.

Today you don't become famous
by talent, but by popularity.

Like reality TV stars.

None of those people
have any talent...

but they still become famous.

Why?
Because they show their asses.

Like the guys from "Jackass".
They eat their own puke!

They eat puke and become
famous.

I also decided to become
famous.

I'll eat shit.

No good!

Fuck the Code of Harry.

Sorry... that was too tempting.

Every horror movie has its
"Boo" moment. Its surprising moment.

That was the one.

I just called Jonathan.

He'll pass by my house.

I had another idea.

An artist always needs
new ideas.

There's been no animal
in my movie.

Every horror movie
has its animal. Cats...

snakes... dogs... sharks...
spiders...

In my... great movie...

there have been none.

Just like the commercial breaks,

I'll do an "animal-break".

I'll go and get "Aract" for you.

Pussycat...

All right... you think I'm cruel.

They say cats have nine lives...
Not true.

Two, or three... OK...
but nine?

No way. All right...

Here we go again.

- Thanks for passing by.
- You're welcome.

You could have got here
a little faster, but no worries.

I called you.
I told you I wanted

to excuse myself for what
happened this morning.

I'll apologize in front
of the camera.

Sorry, Jonathan.

- You know...
- Don't worry.

- That doesn't mean, that...
- It's normal. I was wrong.

Otherwise, I think your idea
of a Making-Of is good.

At first, I wanted to shoot
a horror movie.

I changed the script, to make
a Making-Of out of my horror movie.

Mathieu is no longer
the killer... I am!

You're right! Not bad.

The director kills his own actors.

I already killed Aline.
With a hammer,

no troubles, really.
Camille... drowned.

I finished her with a grinder.

With a grinder? Great!

She didn't say...
Mathieu, he also got killed.

I cut him in half.
With his own chainsaw.

- I thought I'd use his tools.
- Great thinking.

Arnaud... well, fuck him.
He's a motherfucker...

- I don't want to talk about him...
- I'm the only one left.

- You're the only one left.
- How will you kill me?

I never think about that
beforehand.

At first, I wanted to kill you
in Mathieu's and Camille's bathroom,

but...seeing you're the last one...

The one the audience remembers.

It needs to be special...

- Yes, outstanding.
- Exactly. Outstanding!

I thought of killing you
in a new location.

In the cellar. That's different
from the other murders.

I'll make it into the
"unrated version"?

What? They only use such
taglines to sell more DVDs.

We don't need a reason
to sell more.

I don't want to rip anyone off
who's buying our movie.

- OK... When do we start?
- All right.

- Let's have a drink first.
- OK.

Take a coke from the fridge.
I'll grab myself a coffee.

Jonathan!

You OK?

You know I'm happy
you're here with me.

You're right on time
for the finale.

Things have changed.

You're asking yourself
what has changed? Good news!

I know what I'll do to you.
Not a great idea, but...

you'll like it.

I'll smash your face,

as a tribute to a movie I like
very much..."Misery", you know?

It's the story of a crazy nurse,

who tortures her favourite
author. I'll do the same.

I know you'll like such a homage.

This won't be a simple act.
I'm an artist.

I'll do something artistic.

I'll add some music.

An enlightening song,
which sets a good mood...

Like..."Downtown"
by Petula Clark, you know?

Or Bach, you know?
You're like a Belgian...

you don't know anything
besides fries and beer.

Imagine the music
accompanying...

your screams

and the sweet noise of the hammer
squashing your skin

and crushing your bones.

You see?
You don't know anything.

It's called the "heel-method".

They used it in mines
to make sure,

the slaves didn't escape
with the diamonds.

I'll be quick.

Pardon.

I didn't say it wouldn't hurt.

I said I would be quick.
See, only one left.

See?
I didn't lie to you, Jonathan.

This morning, you never thought
this would happen, right?

Destiny is a bitch.

You're upsetting the neighbours,
Jonathan.

Shut up, Chewbacca.

Help me.

At first, I wanted to club
his head off...

but I only managed to crush
his face. So I thought...

No... surprise!

The return of the grinder.
Improvisation.

I wanted this movie to be
instructional

I'll teach you a few things.

First, I'll show you a rather
eye-catching,

but unknown sexual act...
the "Dirty Sanchez".

What is a "Dirty Sanchez"?
Using your dick or your finger,

you paint a moustache
using excrements.

I told you it's not very
well-known.

This is a Dirty Sanchez.

Sorry, it's hard to see, but...
you get the idea.

I suppose you want me to do
the usual thing?

All right, let's do something new.

"Oesophageal coitus".

What to do to be famous...

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

I warned you before!

What?

Arnaud!
What do you want?

Talk to me? About what?

Well, listen...

Come and see me in one hour...

Looks like Jonathan wasn't
the last after all.

Arnaud might regret
this phone call,

but I kept the best for the end.

Surprise!

It's not raining frogs,
but Arnaud is punctual!

You wanted to see me?

- Yes.
- Why?

Actually...
I came to see you,

because I don't want us to be
mad at each other.

- You made a fool out of me.
- Stop!

I didn't come here to argue.

- Why are you here then?
- I dunno...

To talk.

- We can go and have a drink.
- You want to go out?

Why not.
Friends have drinks together.

- It might surprise you.
- For a coke?

- I have some in the fridge.
- Great.

- You want me to get it?
- No. Wait here.

Thanks.

- What about your movie?
- Are you really interested?

- You told me it was shit.
- I never said so.

And... I'm just asking how you're
doing? Don't get mad.

White flag...
Just like your T-shirt...get it?

I changed the whole movie.
I'm the killer now.

That's why I wear this shirt.
Since you came here...

If you're still interested
in having a part...

Or joining the shoot...

If you're not interested,
it's OK...

I'd still have a part for you...

- I'll take care of you.
- I stay here?

- Be careful.
- Close your eyes.

You'll get your money's worth.

We need to wait until Arnaud
regains consciousness.

I know what you're thinking...

"He ties up everyone up before
killing them".

If you're not happy, shoot your own
fucking horror movie!

To be honest, Arnaud is the one
who pissed me off most.

I had an idea of the perfect
ending. I'll trash his skull!

It's too late.
Stop complaining.

It won't take long.

All set?

I need to stop, this sandpaper
is useless.

It would take hours
to finish the job.

I'll take another sheet...

It will take less time...
and time is money.

I'll do that.

Fuck, fuck...

Shit!

I have to draw my murders.

You don't understand,
but it doesn't matter.

It's almost over.

I should have made a larger hole...

I bet people like you would
love to have a closer look.

I took all to this place, because
the environment is nicer for a burial.

I didn't want them to rot
in my basement.

This song...
I forgot somebody.

Raphaël?

Sorry, I don't have time
to explain.

Fuck...

I forgot to take care of Raphaël.

My fault for being careless.

Now, that everything is over,

we might observe a minute
of silence.

One minute of silence.

Sorry... I didn't bury it.

I knew it would be useful.

Since it's over, we might
conclude this story.

On the other hand,
since it's almost over,

I thought you'd love one last
disgusting act.

What do you think?

My balls feel like dried grapes.

It's time to say goodbye.
My parents just called.

They're on their way back
from their holidays.

They will surely pass by
to see me... as always...

to tell me about their great trip
and bring me a present.

A table mat, I guess...

Every story has its conclusion.

Here we go: the finale.

First of all,
I would like to apologize

to all the people I might have
offended.

I can already imagine the reviews...
"It's a scandal"... "It's horrific".

"It's horrible". "It's shit".
"It's free violence"...

Nothing is for free in life.

Why even "free violence"?

Since you're still watching,
you wanted to see this.

The reason I did all this

is not because I've seen too much
violence on TV

or because I played too many
violent video games, or...

because I'm not happy
or what other shit,

these so-called experts
would tell about me...

If I did all this, it's because
I wanted to.

I'm happy...

satisfied... free...

happy... yes... happy.

Yes, I'm glad.

There is only one thing
I'm sad about...

I won't be able to finish
the editing by myself.

That's why I left precise
notes on my computer,

so some professional
might finish the editing.

He'll be certainly able to enhance
some sound effects and picture quality.

A chapter of my story is ending.

Sorry...

I talked about many things.

Sex, blood... twists...

violence, frights, horror...

and even a bit of love...
even if it didn't end well.

Many things.

Cinema.

The purity of cinema.

I hope to see you soon.

Right, we'll meet again.

What would you do if
you were rich and famous?

I'd leave for Thailand.
Do you mean, really rich?

- I'd leave for Thailand.
- I'd buy a new car.

A trip around the world
with my honey.

With the rest of the money,
I'd invest in real estate.

Then, I'd buy a new house.

I'd become the biggest film
producer of... lesbian movies.

And maybe I'd get a new
girl friend.

If I were famous,

I'd watch out for the paparazzi.
Right now, I'm cool.

I'd have a lot of Thai girls
around me...

Half naked, they would rub my body.

They would massage me...
you know what I mean?

Why half-naked?

You have to be subtle...
I like it...

Gently, like that...

The End.

This crappy ending sequence
reminds me of something...

Something is bothering me...

Right...