Making Babies (2018) - full transcript

After years of "manually" trying to conceive, John and Katie Kelly put their bodies, wallet and marriage through the ringer of modern infertility treatments.

- [birds chirping]
- [Katie sighs]

- [bike bell ringing]
- [kids giggling]

Hey, kids.

What's wrong?

Nothing, I just,
I still feel like this

is a lot of house
for two people.

Well, who says it only
has to be the two of us.

- [upbeat music]
- Let's get started.

[Katie giggling]

[Katie] John.


Come in here.

Okay, be right there.

I think this batch
is contaminated

with a wild yeast infection.

Oh, I'll give you
a wild yeast inf... no.

I think you did one time.

Here we go.
Come on.

Is this one of these
blue plus things?

No, it's one of
the digital ones.

[test beeping]

[Katie sighs]

It's okay.
It's okay.

It's no big deal.

we're gonna get pregnant.

I know it.
I can feel it.

- I promise you, all right?
- Mm-hmm.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

And look at the bright side,
you get to get hammered at the wedding.

- Oh.
- [doorbell ringing]

Yeah, that's almost
exactly the same.

So, tell me the good news.



[organ music]

[John] Did you tell
your mother

you're taking
a pregnancy test?

[Katie] She memorized
my ovulation schedule.

[John] Oh, yeah, sure,
that's normal.


How is that possible?

Oh, my God, I don't
wanna talk about it.

Are you using the ovulation
strips that I bought you?

Okay, not here.

I just want you to know that

I've been praying to
St. Rita for you both.

Do you know who
St. Rita is, Johnny?


No, I don't know who that is.

She's the patron
saint of impotence.

- What now?
- Impotence.


- Okay.
- Bird, I am not impotent.

- Okay.
- Never have been, I never will be.

- Rock hard, every time.
- Oh, take it down, please

That's the problem because
I have to take it down.

- It's always up.
- Okay. She's my mother and...

- Can you tell her?
- Yeah, rock hard, every time.

St. Rita is the patron saint

of infertility, not impotence.

Anyway, just remember that your dad,
God rest his gentle soul,

you know, he died
without ever knowing

if his bloodline would continue.

That is a terrible
thing to say.

I just wanna be able to hold a

- before I die, that's it.
- Okay, well, look...

[organ music]

Where does she think she is?

[John] Is she chewing gum?

Yikers, aye,
what is she wearing?

Oh, a tip I forgot
to give you earlier.

Next time after
you're done, um, performing

you should raise
Katie's hips in the air.

That's what I did.
That's how she was conceived,

'cause we raised my hips in
the air and then that way

gravity pulled his semen
right into my uterus.

- All right, thank you, Bird.
- Oh, my God.

We'll just have her do
a handstand, how's that?

Well, it's just helpful.
It's just a helpful thing.

Looks like Uncle
Paulie is going

to kill somebody right now.

Actually, I think he's doing
pretty well...

considering her situation.

- What situation?
- Come on, you heard.

Young couple, short engagement.


She's pregnant?!

So now you know.

[upbeat music]

I used to babysit Jill.

Babysit her.

And now she's pregnant before me.
I just...

Oh, forget it.

- Sorry, um.
- No.

Just tell me something good.

Well, for one,
you're super hot.

You looked beautiful tonight.

And second... I stole three
bottles of champagne

- from the bar.
- Ooh.

[groovy music]

Don't touch my stuff.

What the...


Hey, hey.

Could your kids maybe not
break everything in my garage?

Oh. Kids, knock it off.

[speaking Spanish]

What they'd say?

Uh... He said he's very sorry

and she said
she loves her uncle very much.

You have no idea
what they said, do you?


[Maria] I feel terrible.

We're totally invading
your house, aren't we?

- Huh?
- We're ruining your cozy Sunday.

Oh stop it, we love it
when you guys come visit.

Say, how's the
software update comin'?

That's why you're here,

- you're checking up on me.
- What?

No. Just making small talk
with my little bro

and getting a lot of
heat from the higher ups.

You know, we've presold a lot
of this software John, so.

I got a few more tweaks to make,
and then I'll give it to you, all right?

All right.

What the hell are you
wearing, by the way?

My new motorcycle jacket.

- You love it.
- I don't.

- You don't own a motorcycle.
- Not yet.

But after this month's
commission check I will.

Gordon, you had training
wheels until you were 13.

John, don't worry
about me, bro.

Huh, I got the best
helmet money can buy

and I gotta take a state
mandated safety course.

You gotta see this hog I got.
Loud pipes save lives.

I hate motorcycles.
I hate everything about them.

I mean, he's really
gonna do that though?

I dunno, I guess.

Didn't he somehow break
a leg playing poker.

Last month he found
a gray peepee hair.

Every since, he's been
acting really crazy.

Just wanna back up,
a peepee hair?

let's not talk about it.

This big... oh, I can't.

It's weird that I can
picture that

- more than the motorcycle riding.
- Yeah, I know.

Look, I'm not trying
to stress you out,

but you're the best
developer we've got, John.

- What is that?
- This is my new India Pale Ale.

Took me a few batches,
but I think I got it.

This IPA is gonna
be the premier beer

when I open up the brewery.

- What do you think?
- No.

What do you mean no?
What's the problem?

The flavor's weak.
How many IBUs is this?

- 65.
- Oh.

You look so cute in your little pink nighty,
like a little baby girl.

It's supposed to be between
80 and 100 IBUs, man.

I'm trying to
make session beers.

I'm trying to make beers that
people can drink and enjoy and

have maybe more than one
without their faces melting off.

People want hoppy IPAs, John.

West coast style,
that's what sells - Oh, yeah?

You know what,
those people are morons.

I should be happy
for Jill, but I'm... I can't,

I'm just, I'm so jealous.

I hate that about myself.

You just need to relax.

You're never gonna get pregnant
if you're stressed out.

You need a vacation.

You should go camping.

Camping's pretty stressful.

I mean, that feels like
a really stressful...


That's a sleeping bag baby?

Perfect butterfly.

- [kids screaming]
- [speaking Spanish]

[Maria groaning]

- Here.
- No, I'm so, I'm so...

- Take it.
- Okay.

- You use hop oil?
- No, I did not use hop oil.

You're kid... You need
hop oil for an IPA, John.

No, it's against the laws,
everybody knows that.

- Says who?
- The Reinheitsgrebot!

Those are 500 year old
German beer laws, who cares?

The laws state
the proper techniques

and ingredients
to ensure quality.

Unless it follows the law,
it's technically not a beer.

Well, you're
technically a dork.

I mean, I love you, but you're a dork.
I'm not drinkin' that.

As a women, this is the
one thing I'm supposed

to be able to do
and I can't do it.

I mean, that need to
nurture, to be a mother.

That is, that's something...

it's something I've
wanted my entire live.

Have you thought
about adoption?

Yeah, we're on a list,
but I dunno,

it'll be years before
there's an opening.

And plus, we're just, we're
not ready to stop trying.

Have you seen a
fertility doctor?

Those procedures
seem so... invasive.

You're just afraid of
getting a shot, you big baby.

No, that's, that's, that's very true.

So, go see a doctor and
if it doesn't work out,

- I'll give you one of my kids.
- Oh okay.

- She up for grabs?
- Not her,

but I could get you
a sweet deal on Dougie.

[kids yelling]

[Katie] Ooh, hard pass.

Whatcha doin'?

[John] Oh, just finishing up some work.
What's goin' on?

I wanna go to a
fertility doctor.

Oh, now?

- I think they might be closed.
- Okay.

No, I've been doing some
research and I really think

this is the answer
we've been looking for.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I found this doctor

and he's supposed
to be the best.

Well, does our
insurance cover it?


- Is it safe?
- Yeah.

I mean, look, I'm not thrilled
about this either,

but we've gotta
face the facts.

What we've been doing,
it's not working.

Do you think we've
been doing it wrong?

You know, we should
try reverse cowgirl.

I think that might help us
and solve all of our problems.

- I'm being serious.
- I am, too.

- Don't you still want a baby?
- Yes, of course I do.

Okay, then I think
this is our last chance.

I'm gonna turn 35
this year and my uterus

is gonna shut down
like Chernobyl.

No, it's not.

We've been trying
to get pregnant

since we got married.

that's five years
without so much as a blip.

What if there's
something wrong with me?

There's nothing
wrong with you.

You don't know that.

Come on, this is
really important to me.

I need you to get on board.


- All right. Make the appointment.
- Okay.

We'll hear what the
doctor has to say.

This amazing doctor.

And then if it doesn't work we
really need to try reverse cowgirl.

Are you really hung up
on this reverse cowgirl?

- I don't why you
- I think it's great.

You're facing north,
I'm facing north,

but you're going in front of me.

[Katie] I don't wanna
look at your feet.

- [John] Look up.
- [Katie] I can't look up,

I'll lose my focus and I could...
I could hurt you.

As you're both
very much aware,

there are limits
to manual conception.

Nature is a capricious,
often times,

perplexing force
that can benefit

from the helping hand
of modern science.

But before I get
into any specifics,

I wanna ask you a question.

It's a question I ask
all my potential patients.

Are you both prepared to do
what it takes to have a baby.

- Yeah.
- Mm hm.


Let me tell you a story.

On his famed March to the Sea,

General William Tecumseh Sherman

presented an ultimatum to
the citizens of Savannah.

Should I be forced to resort
to assault, he warned them,

I shall then feel
justified in resorting

to the harshest of measures,
and shall make little effort

to restrain my army,
now burning to avenge

the national wrong of dragging
our country into civil war.

So I'm gonna ask you both again.

Are you prepared to do
what it takes to have a baby?

- Yes.
- Yes, yes.


Katie, let's talk
about your uterus.


My 40 plus years of
practicing medicine,

I've seen a wide range
of uteri and yours,

is one of the finest
specimens I've ever seen.


- It's a real showstopper.
- Oh, okay.

- I think I'm blushing.
- I knew that,

I always told her that.

So, if it's such
a showstopper,

then why can't I get pregnant?

Well, I think we have
to be open to the option

it may not be you
that's having the problem.

John, when did you last
have a sperm analysis?

I'm sorry, what?

You can not use
any lubrication and all

the specimen must make
it into the receptacle.

Wait a minute, I have
to masturbate into this?

You bet you do.

If any of the specimen
is not into the receptacle,

you will have to produce
another, but with others waiting

you'd have to go to
the end of the line.

There's visual aids in there,
I picked 'em out myself.

They're pretty good.

Titty Bonanza.


What's the other one?

Oh, one's called Dad.

- When you're done, bring the specimen to the nurse's desk.
- [softly] Come here, come here,

- come here, come here.
- [Katie] What, what, what, what, what?

I have to jack off into
this and I don't know

if I can do it, I don't
know if I can perform.

What do you mean perform,
it's not karaoke.

It's like Tupperware
where you store

like mashed potatoes
or something.

- I can't do this.
- Of course you can.

I'm not feelin' it -
I don't understand why you can't do it.

[John] I don't feel sexy.

You don't feel... I'm sorry,
you don't feel sexy?

Just look at all guys
sitting over there.

You're not gonna be
with these guys.

- I know.
- You're going in a different room,

- they're not gonna be there.
- I just don't know.

It's there,
it's a large opening.

- Is there a problem?
- Hm?

No, no, no, no.

He's just having a little,

a little case of
the old stage fright.


If it helps, we do
allow wives to assist.



[latch clicking]

[John] All right,
let's just get this over with

- as soon as possible.
- Oh, I don't know.

This is like the set
of a Saw movie.

Oh, oh.

- Yeah, Dad.
- It's there.

It really is a video called - Dad.
Oh, here we go, let's just.

Okay, all right,
what do you need from me?

You want me to take my
shirt off or my pants or?

- Give me a hand job.
- Okay, copy that.

- Whoa, wait.
- I'm sorry, they're cold.

- Blow in.
- Oh yeah, Mr. Miyagi it.

Okay, just make a
fire really quickly.


- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.

Can you not look
at me like that.

- Like what?
- You look like, like a Christmas elf.

Like, giving me a hand job,
it's just a little awkward.

Okay, okay.

- [phone ringing]
- All right.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I know, I know.

- You have to be kidding me.
- No, it's work.

I am supposed to be in
a meeting right now.

- Let me just ignore it.
- You are in a meeting.

It's a very important meeting.

Okay, well, I'm sorry.
What can I do to make it...

- Talk dirty to me.
- Talking dirty.

- Say somethin' nasty.
- Dirty talking' comin' at ya.

Here we go.
You are doin' such a great job.

I am so proud of you
and you are just...

I'm, you're such a...
you're a good person.

- Thank you, honey.
- A plus.

Thank you for all
the encouragement,

- but I'm not building a deck.
- Is that good?

Okay, I see how it is.

Now say something dirty.

Something nasty.
Call me something.

- Yes, uh, I think I got it.
- Turn me on.

[Irish accent]
You are a mighty steed.

Oh, you got the dirty
leprechaun thing, okay.

Yes, and I am a fertile
mare and I'm just galloping

through a wind blown field
and you're comin' up

after me and ya mount me...

- Weird, but...
- ...and ya get behind me.

- And you stick it in.
- Oddly effective.

- Is that good or is it bad?
- I kinda liked it.

- Yeah, it's good.
- Okay, we're going tighter.

- We're going a little tighter.
- Oh.

- Okay, we good, we got it.
- Oh, oh.

- You're the stead.
- Oh.

- Plant your seed.
- Oh, oh.

Nasty little leprechaun.

- I'm comin' for my pot of gold.
- [John moaning]

Get it in the Tupperware.

Oh, hey, Danica, could I get
your help with something?

Uh, yes, very quickly,
I'm late for a meeting.

Okay, I'm just new to
this accounting software,

- so I was just wondering
- What do you need?

- Our payables.
- Oh yeah,

if you just search
by invoice date,

then you can just tab through.

- Oh, okay, yeah, that is easy.
- It's easy.


Ah, sorry, one more thing.

Do we always wait 30 days
to pay our invoices?

- Yes, always.
- Huh, whose dumb idea was that?

[stutters] - Uh, mine.
We wanna show as much

cash on the books
as possible.

Yes, it's just that, um,

the vendors give us
a 2% discount

if we pay in 10 days.

I mean, that's like lending
money at 36% a year.

No, that can't be right.

Well, yeah,
it's 36.7 to be exact,

but what are our
210 Net 30 payables?

- For which time period?
- This month.

Company wide,
about 4.6 million.

So, if we actually
paid 20 days early,

then we would be saving
$92,000 a month, which would

then turn out to roughly,
like, $1.1 million a year.

- You're new here, right?
- I am first week.

Great, well,
I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but let's not try to
reinvent the wheel, okay?

Yeah, copy that.

You're the CFO,
I'm just the controller.

[Danica] Sounds like
we're on the same page then.

That's great.

I'm smarter than she is.
That's fine.

Dude, dude, where have you been,
I've been lookin' for you all morning.

I know, I know. The code blew up
the entire system in testing,

- but I'm gonna fix it
- No, no, no, that's not it.

They sold the company.

What? Who? When?

Over the weekend.

And that's not all.

I got a promotion.

- Yeah.
- Wow, that's great.

But, uh, they let the
entire IT department go.


That's your department.

- Yeah, I know dickhead.
- Oh, okay.

So, anyway, you're fired,
but that's not my call.

It's not my call.

You quit your job?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
even better.

I got fired.

Ah, and what about Gordon?

They made him VP of sales.

Katie, do you see
how wonderful this is?

They gave me
a severance package.

That combined with
what I've been saving,

I can focus all of my
energy on the brewery.

[stutters] I'm very,
I'm very happy for you.

What, what is it?
What's wrong?

I'm not, I don't, okay,
I don't wanna be like

a wet blanket here, but we are barely
making ends meet with two incomes.

I mean, we've got credit card debt
and mortgage and car payments.

I'm not saying that you can't
open the brewery,

- but, I mean...
- But?

We need another income.

Oh, Katie, I cannot
get another IT job.

I mean, this brewery is gonna take
all my time. It's a full time gig.

Okay, I'm not even saying you
need to get like a job, job.

But just something part time,

something to keep our
heads above water.

Like what?


You my driver?

Yeah, that's me,
I'm your driver.


Didn't think it was gonna
be a piece of shit Honda.

I apologize.

All right, dude,
flip a bitch, hop on the 10,

get off on Lincoln, I'll give
ya a holler when we get there.

- All right, what's the address?
- I wanna go home.

- What? You don't wanna go home.
- No, I wanna go home.

- What are you talkin' about?
- What's her address?

- She wants to go home. What's her address?
- What?

Don't worry, it's my girlfriend,
bro, she does this all the time.

You're comin' to my house.
We're goin' to my house.

Get on the 10,
what did I... hey, whoa.

She's your girlfriend, huh?

[man] Yeah, my girlfriend.

Yeah, what's her last name?

All right, I'm gonna take her home.
You get outa my car.

I'm not gettin'
outta your car, dude.

Step on the gas.
Hang on.

Come on, dude,
we're gonna have a...

God, here we go again.

- Listen, who pays the bills?
- Get out.

- I pay them.
- Get outta my car.

Now he's getting mad at me.

We're still goin'
to Tera and Bucks.

Just give me a second.

- Oh!
- [chuckling]

Let's go, bro.

I'll whoop your
fuckin' ass, dude.

You think you're big.

Let's go, big man, come on.

Hello. [laughs]

All right.

Oh, big day.


Don't mind if I do.

Katie, what are you doing?

Just getting a little snack.

Sorry, maybe nobody told you.

This is the Working Moms lunch.

We meet the first
Wednesday of every month.

Oh, that's... exclusive.

- Hi.
- Hi there.

Do you have children?

How's that now?

This is the
Working Moms lunch.

Do you have a child?

[stammers] I... yes.

- So blessed.
- Oh, a girl, boy?


Oh, how old is he?


What's his name?

Plate... Plato,

like the old philosopher.

You don't have a child do you?

Or do I?

I don't.

- I do not, I do not.
- Well, then,

maybe you just
wanna leave us to it.

Yeah, I'll leave you
workin' moms to it.

Good for you.
Working. Being mothers.

Look at that, huh.

- Well, screw you, 1950s.
- Thanks, Katie.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Hey, Rich, Pam.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- What's happening?

[Rich] Good to see ya.

- Who are they?
- Oh, you wouldn't know 'em.

Some of my bike friends.

Oh, they're your bike friends?

[Gordon] Yeah.

So what's this important news
you gotta tell me?

Mm. Okay.

I'm gonna quit job, I'm gonna
help you open the brewery.

I'm gonna be your partner.

- No.
- Why not?

'Cause you do this
every single time.

Every time I start
something new,

- you come in and stomp all over it.
- Name one time.

Uh, my landscaping
business in college.

Genghis Lawns?

Come on, your
overhead was insane.

No, look, I've got
it all figured out.

You're gonna brew the beer,
I'm gonna run the business.

- We'll make a million bucks.
- No.

Look, I've got money.
Okay, with me,

we can be up
and running in two months.

Oh yeah, you have
that kinda money?

Yeah, my 401K. My IRA,

- I can sell company stock.
- What are you talking about?

You don't wanna sell that,
that's blood money.

You just got promoted,
why would you wanna do this?

I don't wanna sell software

for the rest of my life,
John, all right?

I don't wanna look back and
think I never took a risk.

I mean, this is important.
What is it?

- I think I know that guy.
- Who?

- Is that Dr. Remis?
- Who's Dr. Remis?

Hey, John Kelly,
good to see ya.

Hey, Doctor, how are ya?

This is my brother, Gordon.

General, that's quite an
outfit you got on, I like it.

Oh, I teach American History
at the local community college.

Today we're studying
the Battle of the Bulge.

Germany's last feudal
offense on the western front.

- My favorite battle.
- Well, you probably have to get back.

- Good to see ya.
- No, no, I'm glad I ran into you.

We just got the results back
from your semen analysis.

- Oh.
- No, doc. Can we talk about this later?

No, no, it's not
all bad news though,

even though your
sperm count is low.

- Low.
- Please not now.

Let me ask you something.
What kinda underslacks do you wear?

Boxers or briefs?

Briefs, I wear briefs.

- There you go.
- Oh, briefs.

You're wearing Underoos,
little bro?

Come on, everyone knows
you gotta wear boxers.

He's right, in order to
produce a sufficient amount

of sperm, the temperature
of the testicles

needs to be lower than
the body temperature.

The briefs keep
the testicles warm.

You gotta cool those off.
Then what's the good news, doc,

you said there was
some good news.

Even though his
sperm count is low,

the sperm he does have
are excellent swimmers.

So there's nothing to
be ashamed of, mister.

I beg to differ.

Anyways, I gotta run.
Give me a call,

we'll decide
what our next steps are.

- Gordon, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Doctor.

I like him.

Wonder what kinda bike he rides.

- [Dr. Remis] Ducati.
- Oh man,

Ducati, that's an
Italian bike, I know that much.

Hey, here's to some
strong swimmers, huh?

[Dr. Remis] Okay, there are two
ways that we can go here.

The first is
ovulation stimulation

through medical regiment
of injectable hormones.

- Oh.
- Hmm.

Katie's afraid of needles.

She has tattoos, but
she's scared of needles.

It's different.
It's so different.

One is like this and
the other is like this.

- It's different.
- At the time of ovulation

- we would perform an IUI.
- What is that, what's an IUI?

It's when they take the sperm

and they implant
it into the uterus.

- Oh.
- Exactly, and the health of the sperm

and the ovaries is
essential to the process.

So I have to recommend
you abstain from alcohol,

tobacco and recreational drugs.

But that's just a
recommendation though, right?

You also have to refrain
from manual intercourse.

That's not just a
recommendation, that's an order.

I'm sorry, that, abstain?

He said, uh, that no sex.

It's a very delicate
process, John.

We can't have you
messin' up the works.

How long can't
we have sex for?

- Between one and six months.
- What?

Now, what's the
success rate of IUI?

Statistics indicate
it'll increase

the chance of
conception by 10 to 15%.

- [John] Six months, is there another option?
- In vitro fertilization.

We fertilize the egg
with a sperm in a lab

and implant the fertilized
egg into the uterus.

Okay, what's the
probability of IVF?

- Hm, fifty-fifty.
- Fantastic.

IVF, we can have sex
during that, right?

No way. And it's not
as simple as picking

one procedure over the other.

IVF while effective,
is very expensive.

Insurance usually
refuses to pay unless

you've gone through three
rounds of Clomid and IUI.

Well, how expensive is expensive?
Like, ballpark.

Ballpark? Talkin' 25.

25, 2,500, that's doable.


Okay, so if we wanted
to do IVF right now,

we'd have to pay out of pocket?

[John chuckling]

All right, Mr. Mumbles,
what's goin' on?

I just, you know, I mean,
six months without sex?

- $25,000 dollars. No beer.
- What are you, in college?

I have to drink beer,
it's part of my business.

- [Katie] Are you a professional booze bag now?
- Also sex is part

of my lifeblood too.
I am a man.

No, you don't have to do anything,
I gotta do all the work.

All you have to do is
just jack off into a jar.

- Jack off into a jar?
- You have to jack off into a jar.

Oh, like it's that easy.

- It is that easy, just fuckin'.
- [fist thudding]

- Listen to me.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm not just some run
of the mill doctor here

to give you the means to an end.

Think of me as an emancipator.

I invade the male and
female reproductive organs,

liberating children into
the world and I'm very good

at what I do, but the
one thing I can tell you

for certain, a house
divided cannot stand.

- [light dramatic music]
- If this works,

we'll have a baby.


Let's do it.

Did you guys rob a pharmacy?

Provera, Clomiphene.

Letrozole and Toxi...

- Exactly.
- Tamoxifen, okay.

All right.

- Who me?
- Here you go.

She's your wife.

You're the strongest,
you gotta get through this.

All right, think
you can handle this?

Yes, I just, as long as I don't
see the needle I am good to go.

Just don't tell me when you're gonna do it,
just do it.

No, tell me when
you're gonna do it.

Don't tell when
you're gonna do it.

No, tell me when
you're gonna do it.

Don't tell...
ah yeah, there it is.

- I did it.
- Yeah, no, I know.

- [Maria] It's good, you're doin' good.
- Thank you.

It's worth it, it's worth it,
it's worth it, it's worth it.

- Katie.
- Yeah?

- Your mother's here.
- What?

- What the hell is she doing here?
- [Katie groaning]

Farts. I told her that I would
look at a mole on her back.

- [John] Oh.
- Ah, okay.

Wait, why are we
freaking out though?

Because she cannot see
any of this, this is a sin.

- [John] What's a sin?
- The church only condones procedures

that assist conception.

- Yeah, it's gotta be natural.
- Yeah.

- What about the IUI?
- [Katie] No, IUI's okay.

- Hello?
- [Katie] No, it's not.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, Vatican says.


- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, what's goin' on?

Ah, why?

[Katie sighs]

Hello, hello.

[clears throat]
Hello, hello.

No, no, no, no, okay.

[knocking on door]

Come in.

- Hi.
- Hi, listen, I just wanted

to apologize for jumping down
your throat the other day.

Oh, no, that was...

Sometimes my mamma bear
instincts come out

- and watch out. You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

Well, you will if
you ever have kids.

But I do wanna
make it up to you.

You know, it's funny you
say that about the kids thing,

because my husband and I are
about to start a round of IUI.

We've been trying to get
pregnant for a really long time,

hasn't really been going our way.
So, we're gonna do this.

I don't know why I'm
telling you all this.

When I get nervous I tend to
blather a little bit, and...

Okay, great story,
Katie, thank you.

The reason I called you in
is because the executive level

- wants to hear more about those vendor discounts.
- What, really?

That would be the breast,

- I need you to make a complete presentation on it.
- Mm-hmm.

The C-level, they're
hearing good things about you

and this is your chance to
prove what you are made of.

- If you're up for it.
- Yeah, oh, my God. I'm pumped.

Katie, look at me,
I need you to focus here.

Normally, this is something
that I would take on for myself.

- Of course.
- But with Jimothy starting Montessori

and Higgins is just, like, flying back
and forth to Vienna for her recitals

- and I just have no time.
- I don't even know what that means.

And because you don't
have kids, I just thought that,

you know, maybe you would have
the bandwidth

to do a decent job.

Right, yeah.

Oh, and good luck with
the whole IUI thing.

Yeah, okay, Mamma Bear.

So, anyway, just
give you some privacy.

Oh, no, you can leave
that open, it's fine.

- Really, okay.
- Yeah, thank you.

[phone ringing]

Dr. Remis.

Hey, Dr. Remis, John Kelly.

[Dr. Remis] What can
I help you with, John?

Well, um, I think Katie
might be experiencing

some side effects from the
drugs you prescribed her.

What sort of side effects?

Like, she threatened
to leave me if I didn't

stop overloading the
dishwasher kinda side effects.

That's the Clomid,
it can trigger mood swings.

Any erratic behavior?


- You could say that.
- [Katie] Don't look at me!

The effect of these chemicals can
best be described as PMS on steroids.

Eventually her chemistry
is gonna balance out,

it's just gonna take some time.

All right, whatever
you say, Doc, thank you.

- John,
- [gasps]

I need you to go to
the store and I need you

to get me a pressure washer.

- A pressure washer?
- A pressure... yeah!

- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Yeah, you're gonna go

'cause I asked you to go.

[Katie groaning]

[light music]

[Katie sighing]

[Katie, with an accent] You're a
pirate and you're on your vessel

and it's full steam
ahead to fertile island.

[Dr. Remis] I've got a
good feeling about this.

[Katie] You roll up
in your Camaro

and you're wearing
a top hat...

- [groans]
- ...and I'm wearing

a wedding dress,
even though it's prom.

- [phone ringing]
- Oh, oh.

- Just one second.
- Are you serious?

No, no, I'm not busy.

[Dr. Remis] I've got a
great feeling about this.

The spinning's
making me dizzy.

[woman] We have others that
need this room, please hurry.

You know what,
we need the room.

[Dr. Remis] This is
the one, I just know it.

Look at it this way,

at least now you
can try IVF, right?

Oh, God no. I don't think
I can, um...

- Do we like this angle?
- [Maria] Yeah.

- Just kinda shows what it can do.
- [Maria] Yeah, it's sexy.

- Great.
- Yeah, I don't think I can do anymore of those treatments.

I just don't think... physically or
emotionally my body can take it.

I need to apologize to you.

For what?

I thought you not
getting pregnant

was just something in your head.

Oh no, don't. Please, I can't
expect you to understand.

I mean,
kids came easy for you.

Too easy.


But I gotta say,
being a parent to those kids

is somehow the hardest and the most
wonderful thing we'll ever do.

- Mm.
- What I'm saying is that what you're trying for is good.

And I wanna do anything
I can to help you get there.

Aw, thank you.
Still not gonna take Dougie.

[motorcycle rumbling]

I don't suppose
you're into this,

but have you ever thought
of alternative methods?

I feel like
I've tried everything.

What about quantum healing?

[Gordon] Honey,
the boss is home.

- We're in here.
- Does he really come himself The Boss?

- Yeah, no.
- I kinda, okay.

I don't know.

What's up, Katie?

- Where have you been?
- Gordon.

What I was just sparing
at the dojo with Sifu Kevin.

Is that your... what are you
showing us, what is that?

- [laughs]
- This, oh, my tri's.

- Where are the kids?
- Watching TV.


Doin', uh,
doin' some karate, huh?

No, Katie,
I'm not doing karate.

I'm studying the ancient
Chinese art of kung fu.

I did karate as a kid.

- I was a blue belt.
- [Katie] Really?

Yeah, I could like
break boards and stuff.

- Yeah, it was easy.
- Gordon's a white belt.

Well, everyone
knows the colors

are different in
kung fu and karate, so.

Do they?
'Cause I don't know if that's...

I feel like white's still
pretty much like the lowest.

You know what,
kung fu's way more badass,

so white belt in kung fu is
like a blue belt in karate.

- Ah.
- But can you break a board?

I can probably break,
like, six boards.

What are you guys
doing on my sculpt lab?

I'm going to sell this
hunk of shit online.

- And I'm helping by modeling.
- Yes.

- No, I use that.
- You never use this thing.

- [Katie] It's covered in dust.
- What are you talkin'...

How do you think
I get this, man?

[Katie] Beer and nachos?

When was the last time
you used that?

Seriously, give me a date.

Okay, I'm gonna get
my exercise journal,

I'm gonna show you.
Check that out.

So, quantum,
what is it, healing?


Right after I had
the baby I started getting

these terrible panic attacks.

You never told me that.

I was almost catatonic,
I could barely get out of bed.

My doctor was no help,
so my yoga instructor

put me in touch with
this holistic healer.

- And it helped?
- Like you wouldn't believe.

I know this sounds crazy,
but it changed my life.

So, you think he could
help me get pregnant?

It can't hurt to try, right?

But I have to warn you,
he's a little weird.

Weird how?

It's hard to explain.

- Honey.
- [Gordon grunting]

How would you describe Caesar?

- Oh, the holistic guy?
- Yeah.

Yeah, he's a fuckin' creep.

- He's perfect for Katie. Ha ha, burn.
- You know what?

Boom, boo-ba, bang.

[Katie] Is he a white belt?


Are you currently
experiencing physical,

mental or spiritual anguish?

How about lower back pain,
IBS, or suicidal thoughts?

Have you grown weary
of western medicine's

profit driven approach
to your well being?

[TV] Then join me at
Caesar's Healing Palace,

the San Fernando Valley's

most trusted holistic
healing center.

If it weren't for Caesar,
I'd be dead, and that's a fact.

Yes, it is. Together we can start
treating causes not symptoms.

Give me a call, I'm Caesar.

Give Caesar a call.

[TV] Namaste, are you currently
experiencing physical,

mental or spiritual anguish?

How about lower back pain,
IBS, or suicidal thoughts?

Have you grown weary
of western medicine's

profit driven approach
to your well being?

Then join me at
Caesar's Healing Palace,

San Fernando Valley's most
trusted holistic healing center.

[man] If it weren't
for Caesar, I'd be dead.

Oh, you gotta be
fuckin' kidding me.

Okay, can you please
try to keep an open mind?

- Keep an open mind?
- [TV] Give me a call.

That's society's
polite way of saying

"get ready to hear
some serious bullshit."

[Caesar humming]

- What is he doing?
- I don't...

Hi, I'm Katie,
this is John, and...

I just, I don't think
that he's...

- Can I just...
- [snapping]

- [Caesar screaming]
- [gasping]

Dammit! I was this close to total
enlightenment and then you came in.

I'm so sorry, I didn't
know you were in a thing.

I didn't, we didn't,
I'm so sorry.

You'll be pleased
to know I was joking.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- You actually can't break

my concentration,
it's impossible.

About two years ago I was lost
in the deserts of New Mexico.

I found my way out
by taking handful

- after handful of peyote.
- Oh.

I road the snake all the
way back to civilization.

When they found me I was
naked, running through

a turquoise
jewelry market in Taos.

- Wow.
- Every since then I've been living

in an inescapable state
of total awareness.

Oh, how fun for you.

So, I imagine you're here
for the weight loss program?

The what... what?
No, no, no.

Sorry, I was just
looking at your thighs.

- Oh, no, I'm, no.
- Skin rejuvenation?

No, wait,
do you do that here?

We're here because
we're trying to get pregnant.

Yes, we really
wanna have a baby.

Ah, kudos.

Oh, didn't know there
was a liquid "u" in kudos.


Feeling your energy.

[Katie] Feel away.


- You're ovulating.
- [Katie] I don't... okay.

When strippers ovulate,
they make more money

at the strip club because of the
pheromones they're giving off.

Isn't that interesting?

[Katie] Do you think
I'm a stripper?

So if you were a stripper
right now at a strip club,

you'd be making
it rain hardcore.

You'd be covered in cash.

- Good to know.
- Covered in cash.

Okay, uh-huh.


The good news is,
I can get you pregnant.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

You can get us pregnant,

But first I have
to get inside you.

- Oh.
- Excuse me?

- Okay, I mean...
- Herbally.

Right, yes, of course,
of course, herbally, herbally.

He needs to herbally
be inside me, okay.

It'll be easy,
so long as you haven't done

- any fertility treatments.
- [groans]

Let me guess.

You went to some
fertility specialist

who put you on a grueling three
month program of poisonous hormones

and invasive treatments.
And then when that didn't work,

- because it never works.
- Yeah, that's now exactly how it...

They sold you on some pie
in the sky in vitro treatment.

Right? Am I right?

Have you ever thought
for even one moment

that they don't want
you to get healthy.

They wanna keep you sick

so they can make
that filthy lucre.

It's all about the cash, baby.

You stay sick, they get rich.

Think about it?

Who would ever suggest to anyone

that you could have a baby
without having sex.

Yes, exactly.

That's what they did, right?
They told you not to bone.

They told us not to bone
for like a month to six months.

I want you to bone.

- I want you to slam.
- Are you hearing this?

- I want you to smash.
- Smash.

- Jackhammer, jackhammer.
- Nobody likes that.

- That's too fast.
- Yeah, well.


No, nobody likes that.

- I like it.
- You gotta bone down

all night long till
the break of god damn dawn.

I feel like
I'm gonna be in a lot...

- I feel I'll be very sore.
- [John] No.

- [Caesar] Ideally, yes.
- Oh.

You need to start
a detox program.

Just her or both of us?

It's for both of you, yes.

Tabby, get in here.

- Tabby.
- Tabby!

Is this a cat?

We also need to get
you started on FRP.

- I'm sorry, what now?
- For?

revitalization program.

It's an all natural,
GMO free, virility remedy.

It's kind of like the
dick pills you can get

at a truck stop if the
tuck stop was in ancient China.

Okay, um, and what does
the package include?

Just the basics.

Nano acupressure,
wellness formula,

a lunar fornication calendar.

I'm sorry,
what was that last part?

It's a calendar based
on the cycles of the moon

that tells you exactly
when you need to fuck.

- Yes, I like that a lot.
- Okay...

You guys are gonna
love this part.

It's an app.

Sounds an alarm
when it's time to smash.

- [dogs barking and howling]
- I'm in, we're in.

- Can you change the alarm?
- Take our money.

- Sound or?
- Take our money.

- Oh, yeah.
- That gets you going?

That gets me going.

Having a lunar,
you know, calendar.

I have a lunar calendar.

Every woman does,
but that's fine.

- Oh, hello.
- Tabby, be a lamb

and please
set these two souls up

with a two week supply of
Caesar's detoxifying tea blend.

- Wrong way.
- Thank you, Tabby, oh.

[Caesar] Thank you.

Is she okay?

- [upbeat music]
- [kettle whistling]

- Yeah? Okay.
- Mm.


Oh, my God.

Oh, it's like,
it's like a little bit lumpy.

Yeah, I lied, it's terrible.

It's a little bit
lumpy going down.


[trippy music]

[giggling] John.


There's something
wrong with the clock.

John, John.

Oh, where'd you go?

- [Bird's voice] Impotence.
- [numerous voices]

- Use hop oil?
- [woman's voice] Dad.

[Gordon] Those are 500 year old
German beer laws, who cares?

Titty bonanza.

[Dr. Remis]
It's a real show stopper.

[Caesar] Filthy lucres.

- Sperm count low.
- Slam.

- [Gordon] Loud pipes save lives.
- [motorcycle rumbling]

[light music]



Thank you, kind sir.

She's beautiful.

Built like John.

- Thank you, love her.
- [children giggling]

[Dr. Remis] Let me tell you
a little story.

After the first day of fighting
at the Battle of Shiloh,

Will T. Sherman saw General
Grant sitting under a tree,

contemplating the devastating
losses of the day.

Sherman said to
his friend, "Well, Grant,

you've had the
devil's own day, haven't we?"

Grant concurred and said,
"Lick 'em tomorrow, though."

- Lick?
- The next day Grant routed the enemy and won.

Do you know what he did to win?

[Katie] Hm?

Well, I tell you
what he didn't do.

He didn't go on a
magical mystery tour

with a god damn witch doctor,
that's what he didn't do.

He won because he didn't
have the option to lose.

He had that fire within him
and superior artillery

on his right flank,
but a fire just the same.

It's that fire, that desire
to win that I need from you.

Do you know why IUI
didn't work for you?

Uh, poor egg quality,
bad fallopian tubes, poor sperm.

No. John, tell her why.

'Cause we didn't
have that fire.

Bingo. Now I know
you've had a rough go of it.

Years of passionless
manual conception,

followed by three rounds of IUI

is enough to make
anybody wanna quit,

and I know that's
what you're thinkin',

"Let's quit, we weren't
meant to have a baby."

But we need to rise above that.
We need that fire.

I'm gonna ask you a
question right now,

are you ready for
in vitro fertilization?

Yeah, ready.

God damn it, I'll give
you everything I've got,

but if you're not willing
to give me everything

you've got then I'll climb
the steps to Appomattox

and I'll surrender right now.

I'm gonna ask you again,

are you ready for
in vitro fertilization?

- Yes.
- Ready to go.

Do you have the
fire within you?

Are you ready to procreate?

- Yes.
- Yes, I'm on fire.

- Ready, I've got fire.
- I'm on fire, yes!

- Back draft, put a baby in me.
- [Dr. Remis] John, are you ready?

- Say it with...
- [John] I'm ready to procreate.

[nurse] Ugh, again.

Father Callahan,
how are you?

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

- What do you got there?
- What?

- Cake.
- Cake, I got cake, that's right.

[Maria] Oh, you
want me to take it?

No, no, no, no, I got it.

I'm just gonna put
it in the kitchen.

Special cake I guess, okay.

Why you acting weird?

- Shut up.
- Okay.

I need to have sex right now.

- What is... oh my...
- I need to have sex right now.

God, you need to
put that thing away.

That is gonna hurt somebody.

Okay, okay,
no, no, no, stop it.

This is a child's
first communion party.

Oh, who cares,
I don't care about them.

Let's go upstairs really fast.

- I can be really fast.
- I know you can,

I'm fully aware it'll be fast,

- but I... No, we can't, we can't, we can't.
- Why?

I just started a whole
new round of drugs for the IVF,

my body is way too volatile
to handle all of that.

One time won't hurt, right?
One time.

Just one quick time.

Don't make me
be the bad guy here.

- Okay, I will give you.
- Oh, wow.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- 20, 40, 50... 5, 56, 57.

- $57, I will give you $57
- Honey, honey, honey.

- and a receipt,
- And a receipt.

if you have sex
with me right now. Please.

You can go get a mani-pedi.

You're gonna pay
your wife for sex?

That's just, that's a
whole other level of wrong.

- It's a turn on, right?
- You need to go upstairs,

you need to get changed.
I'm sorry.

- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry, just go.

- Get rid of that, okay?
- All right,

but it's
gonna take me a little time

'cause I have to...
unload the weapon.

All right, just fire off
a couple rounds.

- I'm gonna fire it off.
- Okay.

I'm gonna hit it everywhere.


[John] Oh hey kids, hey guys.

- [mumbles]
- [woman moaning]

- [music stops]
- We brought a cake.

- What happened to the music?
- [Bluetooth speaker beeps]

- [woman moaning]
- [hand pounding]

- [woman] Oh, that's disgusting.
- Oh, my God.

- That's gotta be John, right?
- How is this happening?

This is not, this is
not what you think it is.

- It sounds a lot...
- [Maria] Do something.

[woman] You better grab
that child right now.

- [Katie] Kids, sing a song.
- Come here, come here, come here.

Come here!
Cover those ears.

John, John, everyone
can hear you jacking off.


Well, if you drove
across the lawn

then you have to
pay for damages.

that's kinda how it works.

Because you drove across
the lawn, which means you...

I can't, you know what,
I gotta go, Mom, I gotta go.


WTF is right, Katie.

Have you talked to
the insurance company?

Yeah, of course.
I mean, we're over our limit.

Any other infertility treatments
will be out of pocket.

But they wanted us
to do the IUI first.

We wanted to go straight
to the IVF remember?

I know, I know, I don't
know what to tell you.

Well, that's it,
no IVF for us.

What, why?

Where are we gonna
get $30,000 from?

We could use
the brewery money.

You're kidding.

That would set me back years,

I'd have to start
all over again.

Well, you could
ask your brother.

- Bam, problem solved.
- I can't.

You mean, you won't.
He has the money and he wants to help.

It's too much to ask of him.

He's got his family,
he's got his job.

- I can't ask.
- John, we are so close.

- We've scheduled the retrieval.
- Then cancel it.

Why can't you
compromise on this?

Do you... do you
want a baby or not?

We have been saving
that money for years.

I don't wanna roll
the dice with it.

Oh, my God, we're not
rolling the dice,

we're not gambling.
We're having a baby.

What if it doesn't work?

It will.

You don't know that.

What if the IVF fails?
Then what?

We're out the 30 grand and then

we have to start all over again.

Have you even considered that?

Oh, my God, you're
being such a D head.

You know, the brewery
is not a sure thing either.

Oh hey, you know what, I just
thought of a great name

for your IPA, how about:
My Husband is a Selfish Prick

Who Only Cares About Himself,

That sounds really good.

I actually like that name,

but it won't sell as well as:

My Wife is
Completely Irrational

Financially Reckless, Pale Ale.

[Katie] How about this,
you should call your pilsner

My Husband Is
a Massive D Hole

Who Never Follows Through
With His Promises.

That's the one.
That's the one, I like that better.

You know what, I'm gonna
get that started right now.

[Katie] Yeah, well,
don't forget the hop oil.

[John] Okay.


Hi, I'm your driver.

I need you to take me
to the hospital.

Oh, my gosh, are you okay?

Holy shit,
this is so much pain.

Are you in labor?

- Oh, are you a fucking detective?
- Congratulations.

- You know, my wife and I...
- Shut up! Just take me to the hospital.

I'm gonna lose my window to get an epidural.
Just get me there.

You want me to take the
freeways or side streets?

Just drive, fuck face!

Side streets it is.

Go... in the go!
Why are the belts like this?

You're pulling it too fast. You
need to just pull it slowly

- and then it'll...
- Okay, I'm getting it on now.

Um, are you hungry?

I have a half eaten
protein bar up here.

Can I give you an Altoid?
I have Altoids.

- No, I need you to pull over.
- Pull over?

I thought you wanted me
to take you to the hospital.

I'm gonna have another

and your driving
is making it worse.

I'm sorry, I can't pull over,

it's the middle of
an intersection.

Stop the car or I will
choke you out

with your seatbelt.
Oh, fuck!

- [cars honking]
- Oh, my God,

I'd rather die
than get another.


Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- You're good?

- Uh-huh.
- Okay, okay.

We gotta get you
to the hospital.

Hold on to your shit.

Everybody, make way,
woman in labor comin' through.

- Oh, it hurts.
- Meg, honey, oh, are you okay?

- [John] Who is this guy?
- [Meg] My husband, Brad.

- Oh, well, thanks for showing up, Brad.
- Are you okay?

- How do you feel?
- Like I'm gonna explode.

Your wife's contractions
are five minutes apart,

we need to prep her
for anesthesia.

- Nurse!
- Anesthesia? You mean like an epidural?

Look, Brad, I know it
wasn't part of the birth plan,

but your wife wants the juice

and I'm gonna make
sure she gets it.

- Nurse.
- Hold on, are you the doctor?

- Stop.
- Brad, stand back,

she's having another

- Breathe.
- Okay listen, you breathe.

Okay, listen, thank you
for getting me here,

- but we have it.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- You want me to with you?

I'll stay with you
the whole way.

I don't think
that's appropriate.

- Yeah, all right.
- Okay.

I gotta have a baby now, okay?

- Who are you?
- I'm the driver.

Yeah, he's the driver.

All right,
we're havin' a baby.

[Meg] Yeah!

I really like the
names Blaze and Plum.

[Meg] I like Plum,
I don't like Blaze.

[light dramatic music]

I've got something
to show you, come on.

I'm not a fan of
not being in control.

I have a surprise for you.

- Ready?
- Uh-huh.

What is that?

What does it look like?
It's a crib.

Took me almost three hours
to put this together.


I wanna do IVF.

No, but what
about the brewery?

I'll save more money.

I wanna have a baby.

All right, but what if
it doesn't work?

- What if...
- It will work. Katie, it's gonna work.

No matter what,
we're gonna make it work.

[Katie giggling]

That's a pretty sweet crib.

Yeah, it took me almost seven
hours to put this together.

That doesn't match
what you said earlier.

Now we just have to fill it.

Let me ask you something.

Did you are Maria

ever have problems getting pregnant
when you first started out?

No, no, we had the
exact opposite problem.

I mean, look, first kid, bliss.

Second kid, game changer.

And then we had, um...
the third one.

- Lisa.
- Yeah, I wept.

- Tears of joy.
- Fear.

I had a massive anxiety attack.

I'll tell ya this,
I'm never going camping again.

It's just so weird, I mean,
we're trying all these things

and nothing's working
and I'm pumping Katie up

with all these drugs
like she's some race horse.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry you're
goin' through that.

Look, I'm gonna
tell you something

somebody told me
a long time ago.

You take the good
and you take the bad.

You take it all and there
you have the facts of life.

Is that the theme song
to the Facts of Life?

- [Gordon] No.
- That could be the worst advice I've ever gotten.

We're giving you a grandchild,
Mom, that's what you want.

But not like this.

A life isn't something
that should be ordered

from a catalog like a sweater.

Those treatments,
they dehumanize life.

It's not like that, Mom.

A life is something
that you earn.

Everyone, even the best
of us, has to earn that.

This is why
we didn't wanna tell you,

because some how you have
managed to make creating

a life something
I should be ashamed of.

Why can't you two just have

normal sex like everybody else?

Honey, nothing in
life is fair, okay?

And sometimes
we just have to realize

we're not gonna get what we want

and we accept it
in order to move forward.

- What are you saying?
- I am saying that maybe right now

you are not meant to have kids.

I'm actually not
looking for your approval,

so you can either hop on board

or you can just
leave us the hell alone.


Oh, good morning.

Morning, tiger.

You ready to be a father?

- You want this now?
- No,

what I need you to do,
is I need you to fill it up

and bring it to the
hospital, 11:00 a.m..

Why the hospital?

Well, because Remis has
to physically remove my eggs

and implant your sperm
directly into 'em.

- Sounds sexy.
- Mmm.

I mean, it's technically
a surgical procedure so...

It's gotta be done at the hospital, I got it.
11:00 a.m..

No, no, no, okay, that's not all,
that's not all. You can't...

- Honey, you can't even be a second late with the specimen.
- [John] Why?

Well, because then we're gonna
have to reschedule for next week

and we do not
have the money to do that.

Okay, great, so no pressure.

All right, 11:00 a.m.,
hospital, I'll be there.

- Okay.
- [phone ringing]

- Hey, babe.
- [Katie] I'm checking into the hospital, are you close?

Oh, babe, you don't
have to worry about me,

- I am currently in route.
- [Katie] That's wonderful.

I even had time to
pick up a passenger.

You picked up a passenger?

Oh yeah, taking him to the
hospital to see his mother.

- Grandmother.
- Oh, grandmother.

Do you have your specimen.

- You know I do.
- Great.

Oh, hey, did you remember
not to use any lube?


You can't use any lube.

Remember, it contaminates
the entire sample.

- You used lube, didn't you?
- No, I... yes.

[Katie] Shit, John.
You're gonna need to produce another sample.

Oh, come on.

You want me to go again,
what am I, 17?

[Katie] John, we're gonna need a new sample.
You have 37 minutes, handle it.

- Okay.
- [laughs] Did you hear what I said?

- Handle it.
- Bye bye.

Hey, I'm gonna have to
make a really quick stop.

It's gonna be about five, 10 minutes.
It's gonna be really fast, all right?

So you just sit tight.
You can play with the radio if you want.

Leave the engine running and
I'll be right back, okay?

[man] But, but what?

Do you have a bathroom?

It's over here,
come on, honey.

Oh, oh!
Oh, my God!


[John groaning]

A man, look, there he is!

That's the sick pig right here.

- He was masturbating.
- No.

No, no, no,
you got it all wrong.

[officer] Don't resist.

It's not what you think.

- [thudding]
- [John groaning]

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Ah. How ya feelin'?
- Pretty good.

- How ya doin'?
- Oh, good, thank you.

- Like, do you feel comfortable?
- I do.

Do you feel anxious,
a little nervous maybe?

What I like to do is
I take deep breaths,

- you know, when I feel anxious.
- Okay, sure, yeah.

I can tell,
your eyes are kinda

darting back and
forth and stuff.

- I don't think I...
- That's not gonna make a baby.

- Oh, okay, thank you so...
- You know, visualization helps a lot.

Let's make you look real
pretty for the doctor, okay?

- Oh, okay.
- All right, you feelin' good?

- Yeah, pretty good.
- Okay good.

- Is my husband here?
- No.

[groaning] Officer, officer,
this is really a misunderstanding.

[officer] A big boy like you,
shoulda filled up that jar.

- You guys today.
- Grab that bottle please.

Your diets,
what are you vegan?

He'll be here, he's...

- Sure, I'm sure he will.
- Okay.

Well, I can't blame
you for tryin' to run.

I can't imagine this is gonna be an
easy thing to explain to the wife.

Officer, I am so sorry
that I ran,

but hey, you have to listen to me.
I have to get to the hospital.

You know, most cops
hate it when perps run,

but I actually like it, I encourage it.
I enjoy that brisk cardio blast

- of a foot race, there's nothing like it.
- Sir, you have to let me go.

When I'm in the vehicle
sometimes I do isometrics.

I'm always on, off,
on, off, on, off,

- but like 2-300 of 'em.
- This is just a huge misunderstanding.

My legs are super strong.
It's genetics or something.

I don't know, the Irish
or the Scots in me.

I need one of those, you know,

those DNA tests
where you swab yourself,

you send it in for $99
and you see what happens.

But that gets weird because
the test comes back,

I don't know,
what are you, Native American?

Then you have to go out and
buy all new clothes

- and stuff.
- The doctor was gonna use that sample

to fertilize my wife's eggs.

Wait a minute,
you're saying right here,

this is for what,
fertility treatment.

Yes, yes,
that's exactly what I'm saying.

Is it IUI or is it in vitro?


Huh, did your insurance
company make you

go through three rounds
of IUI before the IVF?

- Yeah.
- Because I'm tellin' you

right now, my wife
and I were on the phone

for hours and hours,
hell I was gonna fly down

to Costa Rica, get a kid,
put it in a box

and then bring it back here.

Which is weird and probably
wrong but anything...

- Sir, sir, sir.
- to keep Debbie happy.

- I don't wanna be rude,
- Huh?

but the life
of my potential child

is sitting on your
dashboard and if I am not

at the hospital in the next
seven minutes all is lost.

Well, son,
I got some news for ya,

the hospital is 15 minutes away.

All right,
hold on to your shit.

- I'll get you there in five.
- [sirens wailing]

[tires screeching]

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Oh, come on.

Make way, comin' through.

Hi, hi, I'm John Kelly.

This is my semen.

Sorry, Mr. Kelly,
you're too late.

- What?
- Mm-hm.

Missed it by about
two minutes.

- No, no.
- [nurse laughing]

I'm just kidding, you fine.

Look at your face.

It was like, oh...

Where's my wife?

Oh, they puttin'
her under right now.

I wanna be with her.

Oh, well,
you'll have to wait here.

The doctor will be out
with you when he's done.

It won't be too long.

[light dramatic music]


Doctor, how is she,
is everything okay?

We need to talk.

Is something wrong?

Have a seat.

I have some
hard things to tell you.

And I'm not gonna
sugar coat it for ya.

What is it,
what's the matter?

It's about your IPA.


My wife and I had
the pleasure of indulging

in the beer sample
you sent over,

- you're truly an artist, John.
- Thank you,

- but how's Katie?
- I don't normally enjoy a wheat beer,

but that Hefeweizen was a true
delight, it was apple crisp.

That's wonderful,
but how is Katie.

- The surgery, is she okay?
- Oh, that couldn't have gone smoother.

- She's vibrant and strong as ever.
- Oh, thank god.

Wish I could say the same
about your India Pale Ale.

It lacked the customary boldness
I've come to expect in an IPA.

Weak as a kitten's meow.


Anyway, Katie's eggs have been
sent to the lab for fertilization.

Once they're ready,
we'll bring her back in,

implant them in her uterus.

Shouldn't take more
than a couple days.

In the meantime,
you should consider

using a more potent hop oil.

There's-there's laws that...

I don't use a hop oil.

Add that hop,
make it pop, baby.


[light dramatic music]

[Katie sighs]

Tell me something good.

Katie, we're ready for ya.

John, why don't
you wait outside?

No, I wanna stay with Katie.

It won't be long.
Have a seat in the lobby.

Doctor, I'm not gonna
leave Katie's side.

I'm gonna stay with her.

[Dr. Remis]
Very well, Mr. Kelly.

Put your gown on.

Okay, there you go.

How long till
we get the results.

Just a couple of minutes.

The doctor will
tell you in his office.

Fingers crossed.


[light dramatic music]

[somber music]

You haven't really said anything

since we left Remis's office.

Taste it.

Oh, my God,
that is so good.

You did it.

A west coast IPA,
it's what everybody likes.

And I gotta admit,
it's pretty good.

You should be really proud.

You worked hard.

We should celebrate.

- We can save more money.
- Oh, God,

I don't wanna
talk about that now.

Okay, you're upset.

No, I'm not upset.

I'm just... I'm just...
I'm disappointed.

Well, in me?

No, not in you,
in the situation.

- What does that mean?
- [sighs] Look, I just had

everything taken away from me that I've
been working for for all these years,

I think I'm allowed to
be disappointed, right?

And it's my fault,
you think it's my fault?

I didn't wanna do this.

I didn't wanna take all
of our money and put it...


- You know what, fuck it, okay?
- No, no, you can't do this.

Because we both chose,
we both chose this.

Okay, you're right,
you're absolutely right,

and I want to have kids,
I do, but I didn't know

that having babies with you
meant not having sex with you.

Or it meant getting hand jobs
in Trent Reznor's kill room

or taking Mescaline or
getting fucking arrested.

No, I don't believe any of
this, because you know what?

You actually never cared
about having this

- That's bullshit.
- All you cared about,

now you're trying to
make me feel like shit.

Okay, you keep
tellin' yourself that.

It's true, I have had to
drag you through every step

of this and now you're just
using your dumb brewery

as something to make me, I don't
know, somehow I'm wrong now.

You know what, I'm really
happy that this all happened

because I learned
something about myself.

What, that you're a
shitty fucking beer maker?

No, that I can't be with
a woman who can't have kids.

[Katie groans]


[door closes]

[John sighs]

Katie, please let me in.

Hey, I need you
to come pick me up.

Hey, little bro,
how you doin'?

Yeah, never been better.

Yeah, looks like it.

You're supposed to
be wearin' boxers.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Hey, wanna play some ping pong?

No, no, I'm good.

Uh... Listen,

Maria and I have some people comin' over,
new CFO from work.

Love to get ya to come inside
and clean ya up a little bit.

You're ashamed of me.

I could never be
ashamed of you, Bro,

Maria is ashamed of you,
but you're fine.

[Maria] Gordon, tell him
to put his pants on.

Well, I'm ashamed of myself.

I said things
that cannot be unsaid.

[Gordon] That's not true,
everything can be unsaid.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- [Gordon] I know.

Why don't we get you
inside and clean you up.

- [Maria] Gordon, now!
- I'm bringing him inside!

I'll be right down.

[John] All right,
bring your paddle.

We'll play some ping pong.


So I put baby corn,

baby carrots, baby peaches,

baby potatoes and he was like,
"This is the strangest dinner

I've ever had," and
I said, "Darling,

I have something to tell you..."

- Hey.
- Oh.

What's, uh, what's all this?

Oh, I'm pregnant.

[voice distorting] We weren't
even trying, it just happened.

Can you believe it?

Fuck you and your
fucking fertile face!


Aren't you happy
for me, Katie.

I have never been more happy

than I am
in this moment right now.

It's so great.

If it's a boy
we're thinking that

we're gonna name him Brendo
and if it's a girl, Talc.

- So cute.
- Yeah.

Talc, like the powder Talc,
like Talc powder?

Um, it's spelled the same way,

but it actually means song
in Portuguese, I think.



I don't wanna fight.

Bad timing, Mom.

Johnny told me what happened.

Yeah, well, you were right,
I'm not...

I'm not meant
to have kids.

No, I'm sorry I said that.

I just, I want you
to know, honey,

that I really do
understand the pain

that you're going through.

No, you don't know how I feel.

- You have no idea.
- Yeah, I do, Katie.

I mean, after Dad and I
got married we tried forever.

I mean, God, it was
years to get pregnant.

Right, but that was
different because dad wanted

to wait till he was out of
the service to have kids.

No, no, that is
what we told people,

but it wasn't the truth, okay?

We tried for years
before you came along

and it was really hard.

I mean, it tore us apart.


Oh, Mom, I don't
know what to do.

- [light dramatic music]
- I don't wanna feel like this.

I know, I'm sorry.

You know, I love you so much
and I'll always be here.

- Are you gonna kick it?
- No, just warmin' up.

- You are gonna kick it?
- Nope.

You can't get higher than
here, so I gotta put it down...

I'm not kickin' it, man.

Gordon, stop,
what are you doing?

Oh hey, Maria, if you
got your camera phone,

you're just in time to
watch me break this board.

- You're gonna break your hand.
- I'm not gonna punch it.

He's not gonna punch it,
it's way too thick to punch.

Yeah, I'm gonna use
my forehead. Titanium.

- Yeah, his forehead.
- No, no, no,

stop trying to
kill yourself, you dumbass.

Listen to me, you're a great
dad, you're a great husband.

You have three healthy kids,
a great wife that loves you.

You have everything a
man could ever ask for,

and you're taking
it for granted.

Maria, I hear
what you're saying.

You're an amazing wife,
a wonderful mother, kids love you,

I love them to death,
I love you to death,

which is why I need you
to move out of the way

and let me break this
board with my face.

Okay, all right,
wait, wait, wait.

If I let you do that,

will you take back
that stupid bike?

Okay, fine.

If you guys don't want me
to have bike, I don't care.

I'm doin' this.

- Go for it.
- [grunting]

- [yells]
- [board snapping]

- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- [thudding]

Ha ha,
told you I could do it.

Who looks stupid now?
Not me.

[Gordon chuckling]

- I'm gonna get you new ice.
- Okay.

- [Maria] John, you need anything?
- No, I'm good thanks.

- I'm gonna take off pretty soon.
- Oh, you're leaving?

Yeah, I gotta go home.

Beg Katie for forgiveness.

That's a good idea.

I'll see ya later, man.

Hey, um...

I'm lookin' for a partner.

Someone with a keen business
sense, somebody that's gonna

help me get this
brewery off the ground.

So, if you know anybody,
can you let me know?

I see where you're going.

Yeah, I think I do somebody
and I think he's available.

Good, have him give me a call,
all right?

- I will do that.
- And you know,

Maria's right,
you are a lucky guy.

Makes two of us.

[John] All right.

[light dramatic music]

We never, uh...

we never discussed... Cobra.

Thought it'd be cool
if a boy was named Cobra,

- or a girl.
- [chuckles]

Katie, I am so sorry.

I did not mean any of
those things I said.

- I am so sorry.
- No, I didn't either.

I want you to
understand something.

I'm okay if it
doesn't happen for us.

- You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do.

Baby or no baby, it does not
matter if I don't have you.

Okay, we need to make
a rule, like a law,

that we never let this
come between us again.

Yeah, absolutely, and then
the penalty is what, like...

It's like five to 10.

- Five to 10 years.
- Like in the hole.

[John] In the hole with
no possibility of parole.


Tell me something good.

I wanna keep trying.

I wanna keep trying.


Hey Jeff, I still need that
light bulb fixed in the office.

Coleman, can you
help him with that?

He doesn't know
anything about lighting.

[Coleman] Got it.

Oh, did you want your own?

This is mine.
I can get you one.

- Gordon.
- Mm-hmm?

Can you put this
in the fridge for me?

Are you serving the beer or
are you drinking all of it?

- I'm drinking.
- You have a customer at the bar.

What is this, I don't do this.

- Hey, what can we get you?
- Hi.

- [phone ringing]
- Oh I'm sorry, one second.

Hey, where are you?
We're busy as hell

and I need help
getting a shipment out.

I'm gonna release you, because

I really believe that this is fine - Oh,
my God, John, I'm dying.

- She's not dying.
- [John] What is goin' on?

It could be Malaria,
it could be Dysentery.

- No.
- We're not sure.

She's got a mild case
of diarrhea.

Hey, hey, hey, if this is it,
you go on without me, okay?

Maybe you don't get remarried,

maybe you just get,
like, a studio

in, like, Van Nuys or something.

Be a lone wolf out on the range.

You just roam.

So, go ahead and
give her some Kaopectate

and she should be
fine by the morning.

- No, no, wait, wait, wait,
- Feel better, honey.

I don't ever have
digestive issues.

Something's really wrong.

That's true,
she can eat like a goat.

- [man screaming]
- Mm-hm,

honey, do you hear
that man screaming?

He's got a magicians dart stuck

in his eyeball and
he really needs this room.

But, why is this
happening to me?

- Oh, my...
- I don't know, sweetheart.

- Maybe you're pregnant.
- [groaning]

[tires screeching]

[uplifting music]

[Katie] Jackpot.

Here, here, take one more.

Just do both.

Are you okay?

Okay, we have to promise
that no matter what

- this result is that we can't...
- No, absolutely.

We can never do that
to each other again.

- Something's coming up on mine.
- Yeah, mine too.

[test beeping]

- [test beeping]
- [giggling]

[light folksy music]