Make America White Again (2019) - full transcript

Mister Bandari

Sorry, do I know you?

My name is Winnie McKellar,
I'm here to interview you

Yeah of course, good to meet you

The pleasure is mine. I didn't
realize it was an in-person interview

I was expecting a phone call

Well my office is just a few blocks away

I find these things are
always better in person

I hope you don't mind. No not at all

um I'm Trying to make my flight

Would you mind doing
the interview in my car



That would be great Mister Bandari.

Please

Thank you so much for doing this interview

I've heard quite a lot about you

Anything interesting

There's a lot about your company

And its rapid rise into the
upper echelon of the tech Industry

So there's nothing interesting right

Well I also noticed that your name appears

at the top of nearly every charity
organizations list of contributors

I believe in giving back,
after all much has been given to me

You do a lot for people in need

This is the angle I want
to take with this article

What do you mean?



Most of what is written
about you is about Mr Bandari

The successful businessman entrepreneur

This information is good,
but I believe that people are

more interesting than just their job titles

Who is Avinash as a
human being. What's his story

What series of events
shaped him into who he is today

Well for starters it's Nash for short

Nash

I'm basically from India, where I studied

Computer Engineering I
typically fit the stereotype

Of Indians being prolific
at computer programming

yes

Well my story actually
started in the United States

Great

I moved here after being offered job in a

software company and I didn't know anyone

when I first came, as I was the first
one from my family to go into the US

but eventually you made friends I hope

Yes I did,
in fact they're still my best friends

tell me about them. How did you guys meet

There's Zorik, the Russian hacker

Is that another stereotype

Ok … what do you want?

Superman red sun signed by Mark Miller

Ha Ha Ha No No way I stood
in line for hours to get signed

I know Zorik you we both did
you were right in front of me

and when it was my turn the signing
was over and book store closed

But it's Redsun

Yaaa

You don't want anything else?

Noooo

Is it still in mint condition

So nice

Super man Redsun. The Sickest shit ever

Ok. Lets not rub it in

I am sorry

Bogdon…

Bring the duffel bag.

So, tell me. What you are
going to do with all this money?

I'm going to America.

After exchanging the Bitcoins for cash

Zorik made it to the US Mexico border

There he met the other two immigrants

Cameron from Nigeria and Dan Dan from China

The stars must have been aligned

because as a strange twist in their fate

they all realized that
they had a similar skill

which is computer engineering

And then they made it into the US together

Then there's Billy,
he knows how to handle everything

but actually not knowing
anything about it at all

And where is Billy from

He's from Austin

Next question... F***

Working at the office was a strange
experience for a person like me

I'm pretty sure I saw all
of my co-workers on TV

at the Charlottesville protest

They were the one that
wanted to keep the monuments

They were white supremacists

Language Library
language expressions

She's been gone for a while; you
think she's coming back anytime soon

Whatever

So, what are you,
like fresh out of the school

I've worked for this company for 2 years

Oh cool are they promoting you today

I'm actually being fired

What do you mean? What makes you think that

They left a note on my desk that's saying

that they can't sponsor
my H-1B and I'm being fired

Hey guys, Miss Davenport is unable to meet

with you in person today uh

but the conference room please

Kelsey could you please
set up a Skype interview

Thank you

I met Billy on the day of his interview

when I saw him, I realized that he
didn't know anything about software

Then,
I agreed on helping him ace the interview

Mister Ryan, thank you for your time today

I apologize for the unusual
circumstances on this interview

Not a problem

I just have a few questions
if you're ready to get started

How are you today?

I'm... I am great thank you, doing good

Can you explain to me what oops is?

Oh no problem take your time

No actually … Can you explain what oops is?

Object-oriented
programming language...

It has inheritance
abstraction and polymorphism

and what is inheritance?

That is where the money is

It's the feature of oops.

Its allows the case using its methods

and properties into another case

and What versions of java
have you worked with so far?

All the … You know, all the popular ones

1.9. 1.8. 1.7

And 2.0

and What is the difference
between 1.7 and 1.8?

0.1…

Excuse me

There is library
and language changes

Language changes include Lamda expressions

Which are annotations of Java types

and method handling and
library changes updates

and the API updates in time

Huh Mr. Ryan Everything
seems to be in order …

Do you have any questions for me?

Hmmm how long is typically is lunch..

Laugh .. You are the class clown aren't you

Well thank you for your time Billy

and Please see Cheryl in HR for paper work

Ok, Thank you

Lets see…Billy…

You answered no to health insurance?

Mhm… Is that bad

Just in case you change your mind…

Here is comprehensive
packet telling you various

enrollment options for you..

Do you have any questions so far

Oh No… Is that an Aloe Vera plant?

Indeed it is…. Are you in to horticulture?

No,
it's just that I'm highly allergic to Aloe.

When I am around my
face breaks out in hives

and swells up. It's pretty awful,

like Mickey Rourke space... fighter

or just in general

Congratulations on getting the job.

Thank you

You'll start on Monday
morning eight o'clock.

Perfect... Ok

just one last thing.

Here's a bit of literature for
you to review before Monday.

A bit is an understatement

It's everything you need to know
about the project you're taking over.

The fellow before that
was let go this morning.

Ohh Really? Wait..You mean Nash?

Yes. What a shame. He
was really good at his job

Is there a.. any way I can contact him…

You know if I have any
questions about the project

You can catch him before he leaves.

He is probably gathering his belongings.

Ok Okay Thank you Cheryl

Hi...

Billy? Ya

Look,
I know you just helped me replace you here,

but I could use your help again.

Sorry... That sounded bad.

They cut my severance.

Sorry.. I really don't
know what I'm doing here.

No shit.

Can i ask your number or something ..

And I owe you I owe you big time.

I'll promise I will make it up to you

I'm a different kind of white guy.

Wait.. Hold on

602..

I didn't think any one
would have hire me that point

So, I have decided to go
to the bank and withdraw

the cash I have the little I had known

I have been watched by gang of robbers..

Al right… As soon as he comes out,

one of you will push him in the back seat.

I can't see through the panties.

Is this.. Is this enough disguise?

I don't know, I can't see.

Are you guys listening?

Push him in the back seat.

Good. Now just... try to look normal.

Oh Look, the old decrypted woman again.

One of you should help
her cross the street this time.

Paper-Rock-Scissors

Go … Fine

Hi Ma'am need help

She is beating the shit out of him

Oh, god. Please Please
don't kill me. I have no money.

Shhhh....

Thirty-two dollars?

That's all I have.

You are lying.

No, no, no! Check the receipt.. receipt

Balance.. Zero

Look .We don't want your money.

You don't?

Why are you so broke?

I got fired... And I'm being deported.

We are also immigrants!

I couldn't tell that from your accents.

No no I didn't see anything I
haven't seen your faces! Even if

I see I am too traumatized
to remember anything.

We're not going to kill you.

No .. Not yet.

It's a joke, right? American style.

Very... American. American

We are sorry about your job loss.

We are not really criminals.

Depends on how you look at it.

We have not been able to find Employment

ever since came to the states.

We tried to rob you
because we are all hungry.

We used our last two
dollars on cheap panty hose.

That is Minor investment.
Look the point is,

We are just trying to survive.

You understand, yes?

Ya Yaa... I do understand...

Are you sure you don't want
to split my thirty two dollars?

Eleven dollars a piece

Keep your money.

Let him out, boys.

Thank you

You guys hungry?

Eating like pigs…

I guess… I am not having dinner tonight

Oh.. People of China and
Russia thank you for your sacrifice

When was the last time you had food..

Four days for me spent all
my money crossing the border

Three days no food and two days no water..

Have you seen ever Russian drink water

I never seen Russian in my life

Well... We won't... it is emergency

Eat Eat…

Save some for me

Not on your life buddy

Slow down, Speed Racer.

Speedy Gonzales.

Speedy Gonzales wore a sombrero.

That is right you are good

Sure did

What... like... It wore..
It wore red bandana too

yaa... Yaa He did

I love Speedy... what
ever happened to Speedy?

Cartoon Network pulled the series

back in... early 2000s

Yaa.. Yaa

Due to the Mexican stereotypes actually

Hmm. Political correctness killed the mouse

El Gringo Pussygato.

What is that - what is it?

Foreign pussycat

It's not.. I thought it was American

No.. Foreign Pussycat

No.. It is basically the same thing

Derogatory term for white folk

Actually used to call Sylvester the Cat of

El Gringo Pussygato

No shit.. so speedy was a racist too.

Mhm... I guess so

Salud. Cheers

So wait... Where,
Where this shit take place again?

Was it on the border? Right?

Yeah Yeah.. US Mexico border

It was at cheese factory actually

on the international border.

Sylvester the Cat was guarding it

from starving Mexican mice,

but you know Speedy's speed always won.

So, he was like Robin Hood type

Got it

He's a hero, and a thief.

I guess so

Isn't there a moral conflict there?

Sometimes law and morality are in conflict

What do you mean?

Well... It's unlawful
to steal obviously but

It's also immoral to just your
neighbors to starve to death

especially if you have the
power to do something about it

Yeah Tell me about it i just
walked into a software company

and took someone's job
today. Thats what i did

F*** man

I don't even know.. I
don't know anything about

software engineering. I don't
know one f***ing thing about it

I am just... White.

Yeah exactly.

They cut his severance pay

F***ing favoritism

I know everyone is always talking about

you know ahh everyone is talking
about taking back the jobs back

from the foreigners right now. But

I feel... like shit... right now

I'm El Gringo Pussygato... Me

How about I top you off

Okay

There you go

Thank you

That for the ragets for

Cheers

Phone Ringing…

Hello

Nash

This is Avinash

Nash. This is Billy

Billy?

Billy From the company

Hey… I need your help

I think we need to be together

we need to help each other,
We need to help each other out

I don't need your help

Really?

I know you lost your job today

I don't know whether you
saved up or anything… But

You know, we can start off there

I don't know how hard it is going to be

Trying to get another job

Especially since you are..

Indian

I was going to say not US citizen, But

Yeah, so earlier today I said that I
owed you one so I am owing you one

And want to make good on that promise

What are you proposing

I am proposing we two meet this weekend

I Start work on Monday,
And we can cram all weekend

I will pay you… How's that sound

Nash

Do you have any food?

Yes

Door Knock sound

Billy

I bought chicken

I don't know you were hindu… Or…

Thanks for bringing it. Yes, I am Hindu…

Excuse the mess please

Foood

Best chicken in town

These guys are your roommates?

Ohh they are. That is Cameron,
Zorik and Dan Dan

You have NATO in here

Hey.. I am Billy

Cool.. Cool. So we get to work or

Yeah Please

All right

It's back home I was doing

Makeup on different sets and things but..

You are a makeup artist?

Special effects makeup artist

What do you mean, like Avatar?

No, that is... that is CGI
again. More like Mrs. Doubtfire

And Eddie Murphy in Natty Professor

So you can make me look Rod Stewart

I can make you look like Barack Obama

Oh.. Wait… I am going raise

Show… Show

He less like Bruce Lee

He is more like David Carradine

Ha Ha Ha..

Snatch the pebble from my hand, grasshopper

I heard that… Laughs…

What do you call that move

That move is called Carry
the tiger of the mountain

Laughs

Did you teach it to Ronda Rousey?

Nooo

So... This is the money I owe you..

And i would get the rest
when i get my paycheck

Thank you

Yep… no problem

So what's next

The cash you gave me is gonna last for a
week maybe with these guys in the apartment..

Ohh Too bad

So So why are you have them

Why not they all need a roof and I have one

But I will be gone soon too

Hey.. You like cheese, right?

Ya Sure

I'm in the factory. I
can deliver the cheese.

What are you talking about?

Money. Your old job, my new job.

I mean Its not a lot but I mean

It's not Taj Mahal money,
but it's sustainable.

Do you want to sponser us?

No no no.. I want to hire you all of you

To do what?

My job

Look, I had great time

weekend being tutored and that's fun

But let us face it - I'm
barely a novice in this shit.

You guys are the best

but unfortunately no one is
hiring immigrants right now.

So we get paid like under the table

Yeah, exactly

Soon, you'll be buying us all iPhones.

So what's the catch?

No catch. No catch at all

It's a win-win situation.

If it all works out, you guys
get a job and I'll get to keep mine

Do I have deal?

Alright… you have a deal..... Alright

Hey cut that Dan Dan

Okay.. I am just getting warmed up

Oh.. You need to jump
in the pool and cool down..

Hey man.. What gives?

Ms. Davenport

They uh painted these
stripes a little narrow

I find it healthy... to be
close to my employees

Is that the doctors orders?

It's your voice… seems a little different

Really?

Oh.. you're not as pixelated,
unless you prefer the Minecraft look

You're funny, I like that

My office is at the far end of
the hall if you have any questions

Oh Cool cool

My name is on the door. You can't miss it.

Ok. I look for, look for it.. Thank you

Knock on the door… Come in

Uh.. You wanted to see me?

Yes. Please have a seat

Am I in trouble?

Not unless you want to be?

Uhh... No?

How do you feel about your first day out?

Good. I feel good

It's lot of work but I got a great team

Is there anything i can
do to make it better?

Umm.. No… Can't really think of
any thing with the top of my head

Can I get you anything…
like a coffee or anything?

I just love spritzing water in to my mouth

I could do 10 times a day

That's good. Pretty thirsty

Parched… I also get very hungry

So do kids in Africa

Uhh. Is it Is it lunch time?
Speaking of hunger, I gotta

I am looking at lunch right now.

Uhh. Okay… Thank you

Let me wipe that out for you

Okay.. Alright Alright you know, I should

I should get to work

Um... Sorry

Fine, Perfectly fine

Your project is due today

We haven't even started

Please ready to be present
to the department in one hour

But Ms. Davenport..

Go

Okay. Alright alright alright alright

Hello

I'm in trouble Nash

Project is due in 1 hour

That's funky

Ya I know tell me about it

What happened though?

Ms. Davenport pretty much
just tried to get it on with me

oh that's amazing

oh tear it up boss

I heard Ms. Davenport is banging hot

Oh she is banging hot

and her boobies felt
really nice against my face

but there are more pressing matters here

Alright don't panic

I want you to get all the
work from your team first

Okay alright I'm on it

Hey Dave

Oh.. F***

What a jerk. Who is that guy?

That's Sergio,
the official corporate stress reliever

Stress reliever?

Like squeezes hand kind of stress reliever?

Probably a counselor

Apparently,
there's a lot of stress behind those doors

Apparently so

Hello Ms. Davenport

Someone have an accident on their first day

Yeah good thing I have another shirt

You're more than welcome
to change in my office

I'll use the restroom, Thank you

No

What?

I said no

Dave,
the project is due in less than an hour

I need your part

What's in it for me

I don't know an A plus sticker? A

gift card to Corner
Bakery? What do you want?

How about the satisfaction of

knowing you did your job Dave.

Are we all gung-ho

no we are not all gung-ho

Dave this is our job

no it's my job it's my work

I've been doing this for 15 years

had to answer to some guy from

India in for 4

have to answer to you

okay Dave I'm sorry you hate yourself

but don't bring this down on me okay

I need to be leading this project

But you're not I am. I'm sorry

yeah so am I

Can you get zorich on the line please?

Sure

boss

I need you to hack into someone's computer

Can you do that?

Does an anteater eat ants

of course I can do it

great

alright tell me what you need

Give me colleague profile.

Woah! That's a lot of junk on your desk

What is this? A garage sale?

Not really

Oh, I know you

Really?

Yeah! You're the model

who promotes cheap junk online aren't you?

You follow my account?

No

But if these are products you're promoting

I hope you're not using the company's

high speed broadband

Actually, I am.

Ok. Why did you come here?

For an autograph

No, not for an autograph.
I need the check list.

We have a task in an hour. Showcase

Showcase on day one? Are you crazy?

I'm nucking futs

That's a 2-week task.
You just came on board.

I'm that good

Look, Ms. Davenport liked
the codes that I wrote up,

so she asked me to get
the checklist from you

and I need it

Can I have it in an hour? Please?

Hey, can I get a checklist popped up?

Thanks

After many hours of development

and rigorous UAT testing

We have released into production

our version 1.0 of the F.R.T.S software

this surveillance software

has facial recognition capabilities

and automatically tracks

any chosen subject

continuously between different cameras

In our home land

sorry let's focus... I'm sorry

Let's focus the importance

of this technology

Hospitals, office buildings,
large buildings

Security will Skyrocket

and efficiency

can you explain the
technology behind the scenes

Question is

How... is.. it.. created?

This is garam masala smells wonderful

How is it created?

The technology behind the back box

Cardamom and coriander colander

just tickled my throat for lunch

I had that for lunch earlier it..

Say data mining and data science

data mining data science

Google tensorflow tensor tensor flow

open face and Java web. W-E-B services

you know this is all

technology and stuff, for a lot of
people it's really hard to understand.

I am sorry could you refresh us
a little more on the functionality

of the software.

Functionality yep.

Nash Nash Nash Nash Nash

Basically, what happens is,
all this tracking occurs

because we have all these servers

that are attached to the cameras.

So really,
it's the cameras that send in the videos

to the central servers

Where, you know,
that's where all the tracking happens.

Is that..? Does that make sense? Yeah

good good good

Should have seen Dave's
face that sack of s***

Dave never liked me.

He used to harass me with Indian jokes

I don't I've even heard an Indian joke.

So, how do you blow up an Indian?

I don't know, how?

You press the red dot on his face.

Hahaha that's terrible

What do you call Indian dating app?

I don't know, what?

Connect the Dots.

That's pretty good.

Oh wait, hold on a second guys,

email from Miss Davenport

Hit it boss. Oh, insert salami in punani.

Uhhh... Mandatory meeting in 15 minutes.

Ok I got to run. Be available.

Thanks

First, let's take a moment to

congratulate

Natalie on an impressive release today.

Applause

Not only did she deliver a superb product,

but she brought it in 3
weeks ahead of schedule.

Although, I should say

we owe much of today success

to our new team lead, Mr. Billy Ryan.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Mr. Ryan

it's your first day here today...

You didn't overwork yourself did you?

Oh no. Nope, not at all,
just getting started.

Mr. Ryan you have a rare gift.

Hadouken

Let's hear it for Billy
Ryan: Software Superman.

Okay folks,
let's get to the heart of the matter.

I'm looking for a team to work on a

special project, it's urgent.

An Olympic software team
would take 8 months to do it.

We need to do it in less time.

How much less?

4 months.

So, what's the project?

Analyzing biological data using Java.

We can do it in 3 months.

We can do it in 2 months.

One month.

That's stupid!

No, he can't.

Never mind Dave. I can do it.

Now, that's b***S***.

You're a fake.

Dave, you and Holly can stop riding my

coattails, okay. Go form your own band.

You may be software Superman, but

you still need a team.

Look,
I know a group of really talented guys.

Literally software geniuses

I bring them on, we can pull this off.

Yeah, yeah. What is it software Spider-Man,
Iron man, and Batman?

Me me me me

It's an 8 month project.

You want to promise it to me? In 1 month?

2 or 3 would have been good,
but that was already taken.

But yeah. We can do it. One month.

Say it

I can do

one month

one month

What have I done?

Come on! You're leading the resistance.

More power to you.

Yeah, that's just the saying.

I wanted to lead a software team

I have no idea what that meant till today

Well obviously,
you leveraged your position.

To an effect,
I mean it worked right? Listen,

you are bringing the mice
in to the cheese factory.

I can't bring the mice

into the cheese factory.

That's the problem.

This last meeting might as well have been a

clan meeting with the grand wizard

himself. Except this guy is kind of likable

in a weird way.

Well then why did you speak up?

Because I'm impulsive.

I don't know, I didn't think it through.

I just

I just need that Nash and

the guys could do a
better job then anybody.

Yeah. Yeah, it does sound like

you're in a little bit of a dilemma.

I mean what are you going to do next.

Can I try one of those fuzzy navel shots?

How about tequila? And this one's on me.

I'll take a free tequila shot.

Always take a free tequila shot.

Any day of the week. Cheers.

Cheers.

Billy isn't book smart, but

I would be lying if I said
he wasn't pure genius.

He saw close resemblance of me with

Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson?

Yeah, let me show you.

Wow! Look at that, the King of Pop.

You're a doppelgänger.

This close resemblance brought

in a radical idea in to Billy's brain.

What is it Billy?

Anyone ever tell you

you look a lot like Michael Jackson?

Yeah you kind of do.

Hey Michael Jackson was black.

Was he?

That doesn't matter the
man transcended color.

Well I dressed up like Michael Jackson

once for Halloween.

What you guys have Halloween in India?

Now it's getting popular.

Well the point is,

Ms. Davenport is not going to hire

an Avinash or a Dan Dan.

But she will hire a Mike and a Dan.

What about me and Cameron?

Well Zorik you can be Zachary.

And Cameron... You can keep
your name. Cameron is fine.

That's fine

Have you looked at me and Nash?

What about our color?

Bingo, that's where you come in.

You guys ever hear of white face before?

You can't be serious.

What is whiteface?

White face, you know,

When people of color paint
themselves to look white.

Nick Cannon did it. Really?

Yeah! There's no way
painting ourselves white

will work.

Of course it'll work.

Cameron, you said you can make me

look like Barack Obama right?

Can't you make yourself look Caucasian?

Sure it will take hours at a time,

and then you have to maintain it

through out the day.

But it's possible, Right?

Sure it's possible.

I can make us look like whatever we want,
but

I cannot change our accents

Well I can help with that

that's fine

I'll tutor you.

Well, that's a long shot.

It's the only shot.

Otherwise I lose my job
and you guys go home.

Yeah

Yeah

I'm already White

I just sound scary when I speak.

I'm okay too.

Cameron?

Okay boss.

We know that in order to
pass as a normal white guy

we needed to have clear American accents.

And I thought YouTube tutorials would be of

some help

0 -0 -0 -0

Guys what's going on in here?

It looks like a weird
black magic voodoo party.

It's white magic we are practicing.

Yes which I just amazed at
the great American culture.

Okay, alright yeah, that's great.

We can do that later. Right now,

you need to fix your makeup

you guys look like the product

of an orgy between Ronald McDonald, Prince.

And an alpaca.

What the hell is orgy?

Cameron,
can you help with the makeup stuff?

Okay we'll do this stuff later.

Okay guys.

Big .. big... Black... Black

bear bear has has

big big blue blue

balls balls

big black big black

bear bear blue balls - frustration in Hindi

That's fine. That's okay. Take
five. You'll get it you'll get it.

Big black bear blue got big blue balls.

I got it. Yeah. I got it. Now sing it.

The big black bear's got big blue balls

and the big black bears

little big blue lo haha.

What about the f word?

Always a bad idea?

No, not necessarily.

Explain

Okay, well it could be used in a good way.

Like, uh... this Alfredo is F****** amazing

or, it's nice to f****** meet you.

Or let's get f***** up.

Dan Dan, tell me I'm a fat piece of s***

who's going to die of heart failure.

You're a fat piece of s*** and

you're going to die of heart failure.

Okay, now ask me if I give a f***.

You give a f***?

No, see by me saying

"Ask me if I give a f***"

It means I really don't care.

How that works?

That's a good one.

Cameron, your head's on fire.

Ask me if I give a f***.

Perfect

Now, take everything that I've taught

you, improvise, add to it, etc.

Evening gentlemen,

will you have room dessert?

Or possibly anything else to drink?

Uhhhh I'm good.

Do you guys need anything?

Yes, I would like a f****** Chardonnay.

Excuse me.

Please, and thank you.

How did I do?

Interesting, at least you smiled.

Do you know where the restrooms are?

No I don't.

Oh, ask the maitre d.

Excuse me Sir,

Do you know where the restrooms are?

Absolutely. They're on the opposite side

of the restaurant... F***

Yeah tell me about it. I

've been on my feet all day.

So gentlemen, how was everything?

Dan Dan do you want to handle this?

Exquisite.

I see you ordered the chicken marsala.

How was it?

I totally f***** it up.

Wonderful, if you need anything at all

please do not hesitate to ask us.

Your Chardonnay.

Unfortunately gentleman,
my shift has ended,

but it's been a pleasure serving you guys

this evening. I'm going to leave the check

right here, but no rush and

take your time. Thank you

Have a good night. Alright, appreciate it.

F*** off buddy

What?

That's not what he meant.

He meant

f*** buddy?

What? That's not what he meant either

You trying to get with me punk?

No, it's a misunderstanding.

Oh I understand perfectly fine s*****.

That's not creative homeboy.

Home-home-It's about... Ohh f***

Are you sure we're supposed
to be out here right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely,
this is the best way to find out

if it's going to work.

Okay, so the best way to interact is,
don't interact.

That make sense?

No. What do we do? Act natural.

Smile, wave

Like, smile at The Stranger.

Absolutely

Hi white person!

Don't say white person.

Hello. She actually smiled back.

See how it works?

Americans first.

For peeing?

You guys there.

Yes, you both.

Come here. Come now quickly.

Now pardon our intrusion,
but what are y'alls names?

Zachary... Dan

We... We are cousins.

No

You two are some of the

whitest people we have ever seen.

Thank you.

We need more people like
you representing the states.

Zachary, you and your Mongoloid cousin

clearly agree that us, true Americans

are the dominant race.

Toast to that.

Are you two show us how
much you hate immigrants?

Yeah hey

Black is whack.. quite so indeed.

Asian lives don't matter.

No they don't.

A toast!

To our race.

The best that god has ever been.

White power? White power.

So, you said you're from Montana?

Yes.

Your facial features strike me as

a little Mongoloid-ish?

My father f***** an immigrant.

Awesome.

You are in.

Billy says you're the best at

acquiring software tools.

Yes, oil from the middle east.

Land from the natives

and now, software from the Chinese.

Nothing a white man can't
acquire with high broadband speed.

Wow, you might be good at software,

but look at that piece of hardware.

Well, it if isn't the King of Pop.

Just remember that in this office,

I'm the queen. Period.

Okay, well,
it looks like we're all fine and dandy.

This is just a brief formality,

we have a lot of work on our hands.

Review meeting in 15 minutes.

This is the facial reading camera.

Or, FRC for short.

It's used for facial motion capture.

Just like they use in CGI in Hollywood.

Except this isn't Hollywood.

This is government.

Your facial muscles and

how they respond to any

particular stimuli tells quite a lot about

who you are.

It's meant to be used in conjunction with

this machine here.

The NVM or the natural vibrations meter.

The subject will place
his hand on the glass.

The glass will then read the vibrations

through his hands and fingers.

Our job is to design a processor

that will analyze this data.

That will then be tested by
the nervous system database,

or NSDB.

And what's the goal? What's the

government trying find out?

If the subject is lying.

Our goal is to use these
at every US Port of Entry.

To keep out the brown and
black sheep trying to get in.

Anybody want to say anything?

What?

Hey, keep your piss over there.

Sorry

It's over.

What do you mean over.

I mean we can't move forward with this.

We have to.

It's a lie detector Billy.

And we all are f****** liars.

It's bunch of liars writing a software code

to catch people like us.

What you are talking about?

They are going to use on our people.

That's not true.

You heard her.

She said every US port of entry.

Yeah, for the black and the brown sheep.

You guys are white sheep.

We are colored sheep
in white sheep's clothing.

That's not what I meant.

Look if the lie detector test is

meant to weed out the
worst of the immigrants.

You know, if you are criminal or

or liar, or threat to the society,
then you shouldn't be allowed in.

But if you are a decent human being,

trying to enter this county legally,

sure come on in. I'll buy you a drink.

What if we manipulate the system?

We create version for ourselves,

then we deliver the

real product at the very end.

No, this can't be done that way.

This software is way more complicated.

It does not have on off switch.

He is right. It can not be done.

We have to deliver good product.

But how?

By doing an honest good job.

We were bought here

because we are good at what we do.

That is what who we are.

Forget about our skin color,

Billy gave us this opportunity

when no one else would.

We owe it him and we owe it to ourselves.

To be the best versions of ourselves.

Let's do this.

Alright.

I'll make this easy guys.

We'll use variables X Y and Z

Facial reading will be X.

Hand reading is Y.

And the Nervous System database is Z.

We have 3 cases.

Now Case 1,

if X=Y then the subject is confident.

If X=Y=Z he is confident
and telling the truth.

However if X=Y does not equal Z,

then the subject is confident,
but is not telling the truth.

Now we have Case 3.

X does not equal Y.

Then we don't even look at Z

because we already
know the subject is a liar.

Right.

Easy stuff. You guys got it?

Billy? Yeah! You got it? Yeah.

Okay, so Nash,

you handle the FRC coding.

Ok Dan Dan, the NVM.

Will do. Alright.

Zorik,
you are the business analyst on task.

So, I need you to consult
with the marketing executives,

to get the customer requirements. Ok.

If Dave's a dick about it,
you know what to do.

Right.

Cameron, you're the tester.

So, start preparing the checklist.

Alright guys, let's rock 'n' roll.

Wait wait wait.

Yeah, you all need touchups.

What do we do? Restrooms. Alright.

Hi, this is Holly. Yes, with 5k followers.

Uhuh.

Dave!

Dave.

Shit, you startled me.

Update on Billy and his team.

Okay, lets hear it.

They are working on something big, but

I cant figure out what it is.

They're speaking in code.

Well, they are software people.

No! Like code speak.

They are using words like

X, Y, Z to talk about the project.

Where are they now?

The men's restroom.

Something about a touch up.

Why aren't you there?

It's a men's restroom.

Ok good point.

Let's see what I can find out.

Yeah,
so I told him that's syphilis brother.

Got to get that checked-out.

That's disgusting. Yeah.

Like a leaky faucet.

I'm like your brother Billy.

Only, the better-looking one.

Yeah, you do look like my brother.

We have company.

Dave is on his way.

Oh shit! Hide the makeup.

Go! Go! Go! Just go! Just go! Just go!

Hey, Dave.

How's that new job treating you over there.

Marketing executive, right?

Good one, good one to have.

Cool

Talk later.

Psst. Hey, hey buddy.

You got any toilet paper over there.

I'm all out.

Is this a wet nap?

Yes, it is.

And it's scented?

Royal treatment for my royal ass.

Do you need another one?

Sure,
I mean I'm always such a mess down there.

Hey buddy, I couldn't help but notice,

That your, your middle finger is black.

I got my finger stuck up sex doll.

Oh.

Yes, I should have unplugged

it from the wall first.

We're all sensitive to water.

You may see a gardening tool,

but I see the ultimate selfie light.

Move, get out of the video.

I just saw the most bizarre
thing in the restroom.

Are they gay?

No! It's more than that.

More? Like they have both parts?

No no no.

It's not about the parts.
It's about the color.

You saw the color of their parts?

Yes! No! Well, not exactly. It's like

they're coated.

Like a powdered donut?

Bingo! See, it's not their parts,

their hands and faces.

What do you mean?

Ok. I don't think these
people are really white.

Ew, gross. Nonwhites? What do we do?

Watson.

We'll start our own investigation
and get to the bottom of this.

Who's Watson?

Get with the program.

What's your password?

Dave is gay.

I knew that, password?

No, that's my password "dave is gay"

Oh, that great password! Thank you.

Hi Ms. Davenport.

Mike

The King of pop.

Ms. Davenport, the Queen.

Would you come over here and,

fix my hardware?

Well, come on. Don't be shy.

Okay, sure.

You're a handsome fellow,

You know that?

Thank you.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Well... I do have

You think I'm pretty?

Sure, you are.

Oh, that looks like you have a spot.

Right there.

Someone needs to change
their pants. I will take care of it.

No no no

I insist.

Please, don't.

Do I have to get rough with you?

Don't Don't Don't

Oh my god.

That's the Sunburn from
the Bahamas actually.

Oh, exotic.

Well, baby, let me

just go ahead and burn your lips

while we're at it.

Mike! Oh no, okay.

Sorry, Ms. Davenport, but I need him.

I need him! Well,
I need him for the deadline.

No No No.

Come on, let's go.

Pull your pants up.

My computer is still broken.

Hey it's Dan, right?

Yes.

Dan, how's your day going?

Ok...

How has your day been?

Ohh, not so good.

No sirree.

My girlfriend, she just broke up with me.

Left me for a damn chink.

Can you believe that?

What's wrong with chinks?

Dude, come on what planet are you from?

You know, Chinks, they got the

little, tiny, ultra, microscopic penises.

You must have seen lot of

Chinese dicks to come to that conclusion.

I mean, you know that's

the thing,
you don't have to actually see them.

Just have a look at their
crotch and you can tell.

Ohhhh

What's the matter, Dan?

Cat got your dick?

No. Coffee got your dick.

I got a bad feeling about Cameron at lunch.

He's got that black kind of vibe

going on and he refused to eat pork.

Sounds like foreign shit to me.

The Mongoloid spilled coffee

on my dick, it still hurts.

These guys are too phenomenal at software.

They can't be white.

Stop! My office! Right now!

What is the meaning of all of this?

I was just trying to use the restroom.

Dave, I was born at night, but

certainly not last night.

You and Holly have some explaining to do.

Ms. Davenport, we were simply

trying to show you something.

In the men's restroom?

What kind of software
company are we running here?

Ms.,
there's something you really ought to know.

It's about these guys.

Go on.

OK lets see. How do I put this?

They're really not Caucasian.

In fact, probably not even American.

Okay, that's offensive.

It's true! They're hiding something.

This is absurd.

Take a look at these dashingly

handsome white men.

Have you two gone color blind?

They're wearing a disguise.

It's makeup.

Prove it.

Move

Stop it! Give me that!

You apologize to Zachary, right now

Spray it on Mike!

He's definitely wearing makeup.

No. Mike is white.

He's just terribly sunburnt
from the waist down.

I know, I checked.

But...

That's enough Holly.

I don't know what's gotten into you two.

From what I understand, the two of

you were moved into marketing.

A significantly lower paying job.

If you keep it up,
you'll be working in sanitation.

Consider this your first warning.

Billy, have you completed the task?

Almost there.

Good, you and I have a meeting with

the senior manager in 30 minutes.

Can you manage that?

Absolutely.

And where is Cameron?

He is fixing his hardware,

you know what I mean.

Well I need that done soon.

Dave and holly were onto us.

They tried everything

they could to try and
expose our identities.

God,

Man. why did it have
to be a three prong plug.

What's this?

A signal jammer.

You have your own jammer?

I modeled the product
a couple of weeks ago.

It's suppose to block electronic signals.

We can block their communication.

Exactly. Billy will have to do the

demo meeting on his own.

Check check. One-two. Check check.

Nothing, I can't hear nothing.

Me neither.

No. Nothing.

No wifi.

Oh God, what am I gonna do

Billy, you ready?

Yes

Can you hear me, check check.

1 2 3 Billy?

Are you there Billy?

So our FRC has been carefully

calibrated to pick up

the most minute differences
between subtle biometrics.

Ah Bllly

Do you have anything you'd like to add?

Oh yes, well you have pretty much

covered everything. But..

Write unbeatable code.

That will be able to screen

the test subjects for any discrepancies.

How's this different from the

current detectors on the market?

Billy? Different. Different.

Uhhhh... It is different. Uhhh

Because, well

we are using the most telling

feature of the humanity, which is face.

Are you are you a poker player sir?

Yeah

Well even the most casual poker players

Faces have a natural flair or

How many times a person blinks

speaks volumes to their behavior.

What about the software screening

these biometric use.

Software screening is like a lot of stuff

like, you know, a lot of technical jargon.

Stuff you know. I'm sure
you're used to writing code.

It's like java, you know, data mining.

You know... it's a bunch of pushing
stuff like biometrics and readers.

*gibberish* Alright.

Ok

Congratulations guys. You did it.

A job well done team!

The company is treating all employees

to a special camping
retreat for the weekend.

I expect all of you to be there.

Yes, camping!

Sweating, swimming.

Sleeping over night.

Closed quarters.. Shit.

Hey, this is our chance. Holly.

We're in the outdoors,

away from the office walls,

there's no technology to get in the way.

I can't get a signal out here.

Can you get anything?

Holly!?

Oh wait here we go!

YAY SIGNAL!

Were you saying something?

Never mind. Just pay attention next time.

Oh look who's coming?

Hey Dave! Holly.

What do you want?

I'll take one of these burgers.

Thank you Holly.

Alright.. This is great.
Isn't this nice holly?

It's an amicable exchange.

Ew.

I'm not going to agree with you.

That's too bad cause I was going to

talk to you about promoting something.

I'm already promoting tons of stuff.

Yeah,
but you're stuff is really cheap and weird.

I mean, you know that right?

What's your point?

My point is..

Do you know why you can't
get past 5,000 followers?

Why?

Cause, your content sucks.

Okay?

You don't have a cause.

You don't stand for anything,

but you're pretty.

And that's why these cheap companies

pay you cheap money to sell their products.

But, if they knew your value

then you'd be getting paid a lot more.

Don't listen to him Holly.

He's up to something.

Not everybody's always
up to something Dave.

Okay,
what is it that you'd like me to promote?

It's this pin. It's my niece,

she's promoting left handedness.

I'm left handed.

So is my niece.

Okay, why is there awareness

for being left handed?

That's not a real cause!

Wow, that's real insensitive Dave.

This world unfairly caters
to right handed people.

You know, Jimmy Hendricks

flipped his guitar the other way because

they didn't make left
handed guitars back then.

It's true, it's a real cause Dave.

I'm wearing it,

and I'm going to promote it all weekend!

I stand for something, I have a cause!

There you go! Now watch those likes

and followers move right up!

Left handed high five?

Cool. See you guys.

I can't believe you're
going to wear that pin!

You wouldn't unterstand, Dave.

Well think about what Billy did!

I mean left handed or right handed,

he screwed us both.

You're right.

Okay, well now look,
we just need to expose them.

Alright?

And then we can get our old jobs back

and get in Ms. Davenport's good graces.

What do you suppose we do?

Okay look, here's a suggestion box for

the upcoming group games.

All we have to do is get them into games

that will compromise them.

What if our suggestions never get picked?

Well we'll empty out
everyone else's suggestions,

and fill the box up with our own.

Okay, sounds like a plan.

What are we suggesting?

Have you every heard of Beer Pong?

Beer Pong?

I know Ping Pong.

Oh is that neighbor of yours?

Racist bastard.

You guys are missing the point.

What's wrong with little beer pong?

The four of you need to
practice a little restraint.

Restraint from what?

It's just a couple of drinks Billy.

Not with Beer Pong.

Okay, it's a lot of drinks.

We knew nothing about the

American camping experience.

It was so weird to perform a dance

routine around the campfire

Yes, it is a little unusual.

It'll get more weirder, I promise.

That's why,
you never want to pee in the river in Peru.

Yeah those parasites will

swim right up your pee stream.

Get right inside you.

Oh.

Ew gross!

I have a story!

Sure Dave.

Okay, once upon a time,

I had a great job.

Then, I had to work for a stupid immigrant.

Now, I work with Billy and a bunch of-

An upbeat story Dave.
Let's leave work at work?

Fine. Why doesn't Zachary share something?

Okay. Uh, once upon a time...

There was a little boy with a little dog.

Oh no no no no it's gets better.

So the dad comes home one night,

and he has a present for
his little boy and the dog.

A real tear dripper isn't it?

No no no no just, just wait.

So the dog, he makes his cute little face

and unwraps the present.

They open it and they see a watch and

it's attached to a bundle of dynamites.

Three, two, one, Kablooey!

The boy is crying like a little bitch,

and the dad says that is what happens

when you don't clean up your dog's shit.

So, the boy he's totally pissed.

Grabs an axe,
climbs on top of his father's back

and chops his head off in twenty tries.

The end.

Oh, you know my father used to tell

me that story before bedtime.

Dan you've been a little quiet.

Do you have any stories for us?

Maybe a vacation story?

Yes. We went on
vacation to Florida one time

to catch the fall colours and

it was freezing cold that year.

In Florida?

Yes, when we got there,

there was a terrible snow blizzard.

Hey when was this?

Last year,
we went on the Fourth of July weekend

and we wore scary costumes.

Sounds a lot like halloween.

Don't steal the man's
spotlight. Please continue.

The next day, I was chopping firewood,

when a Polar Bear found me.

He chased me through the woods and

I ran and I ran and I closed
the door to my cabin just in time.

I almost died.

Well,
it's a good thing you made it to the cabin,

otherwise you might have

swallowed up by the big blue whale.

How did you know?

You've been looking at
my Instagram haven't you?

Here we go, team America.

It's a party! Alright

You guys having fun?

Now I'm not having fun…Billy.

Woah

Come on Holly.

I was just going to tell you,

you can bounce it if you want to.

Next time. Next time.

Please please please

That's fine. That is fine. That's fine.

Can I go?

Is it my turn?

Alright.

No no no no… I think you
need to go to other side.

Alright buddy.

Alright, come on.

Why don't you go join your own team.

Ok that's fine

Alright. Here we go.
Put the American first.

Step back

Ok. That's fine.. That's fine, come on

Ohhhh. It's ok.. it's ok.

I'll drink the next one.
I'll drink the next one.

It's all yours.

Good job!

It's mine, mine.

Cool! Whoa!

Ok. I'll drink these.

Excuse me, Ms. Davenport?

Yes?

We just want you to know that

these guys are not for real.

We can prove it.

Ms. Davenport they're so drunk,
just ask them where they're from.

They'll tell you the truth.

Ohh, where are you from?

I have a funny story.

What if I told you, I am not from Montana.

You guys are good at it.

I don't come from Montana, I am from China.

Ha Ha Ha

You are funny.

Ask! Ask! Ask!

Ms. Davenport just look.

Davenport want's you.

Ms. Davenport?

Ms. Davenport?

Wait, papers over there, lay it on my desk.

Enough of this.

What? What? What?

Dave?

Dave.

Dave?

How drunk did I get last night?

What's gotten in to you?

Is this Holly's hat?

I don't know.

Do you remember last night

what the new guys said.

Damn it Dave.

I haven't been that drunk
since 11th grade homecoming.

I was beginning to feel more relaxed.

So far we have gone through all the hurdles

thrown in our way by Dave and Holly.

But it was nature at the end, who beat us.

Sure your friends are going to
be okay peeing by themselves?

Yeah they will...

I just know how much you guys
like to support each other in there.

Nah

Oh my god.

Natalie

I can explain.

Don't touch me.

You're fired.

You're all fired!

What about the demo?
You don't care about it?

If any of you show up tomorrow,

I'll press charges.

Or have you deported! You got that?!

Billy...

We felt terrible for deceiving everyone.

So, we decided on going
to the office one last time,

and apologizing for it.

I thought I told you guys not to show up.

You did, but we did anyway.

Look, we're really sorry about everything.

You trusted us,
and we took advantage of it.

We weren't trying to.
We just needed the job.

Regardless, you gave us great opportunity.

We hope, that my work was satisfactory.

Aa.. Our work.

That's it. We just wanted
to tell you in person.

We're sorry.

Let's go guys.

Wait!

Don't' you guys have a demo to do today?

It's kind of happening right now.

Yeah.

Sure.

Ladies and gentlemen let me present to you,

our project lead Mr. Billy
Ryan and his team.

I will let Billy and his team
explain the lie detector machine.

Thank you Ms. Davenport.

Good morning ladies and gentlemen.

The facial reading camera,

natural vibrations monitor,

and nervous system
database compiled together,

to create the ultimate lie detector.

What goes in to it?

Really just a bunch of boring code and

It's frankly pretty dense and confusing,
but

the most important thing is the outcome.

Okay Nash.

Tell us your name.

I am Avinash, Nash for short.

For the past month, I was called Mike.

Ding

Alright, tell us about yourself Nash.
Ding

Alright, tell us about yourself Nash.

I am from India. My father
saved up some money,

he bought 2 acres of land
and built the small house in it.

Even before I was born.

Our dream is to build a school
for the local children who are poor,

and I have a sister who
is preparing for marriage.

So, I want to pay for it and
also attend the wedding myself.

As I recall, you also graduated at
the top of your class, is that correct?

Yes.

And where did you get the degree from?

MIT.

MIT. Alright.

How did you get in to MIT?

I took a student loan from bank in India.

That helped me.

And um

How are you doing on paying the loan back?

For from it. The tuition
fee is 50000 dollars.

Which is 3.3 million rupees in India.

What happens if you
don't pay the bank back?

The house that my father
built will be taken away

Our land will be seized
and dream of building

the school for the poor
will be taken along with it.

The
wedding have to be cancelled.

Would you consider development
of this software conflict of interest?

No, I believe in the greatness of America.

It's my privilege and honor to be
a part in strengthening this nation.

Thank you Nash.

Zorik?

Okay Zorik, what do you do?

I am a hacker from Russia.

Do you enjoy hacking?

Yes.

Tell us about it.

In the Russia internet is censored.

The government controls the masses by

suppressing the ideology that
could truly liberate its people.

We don't have free access
to literature of democracy.

Because real democracy
is threat to the Kremlin.

I seek out the truth by hacking
into the security networks.

But you are not looking to hurt anyone?

No, no I'm looking for social progress.

Alright thanks Zorik, I appreciate it.

Dan Dan?

Last but not least

Okay Dan Dan, what is your background?

I am from China,
and I am also a software engineer.

Growing up I always loved American movies.

I always dreamed of coming to the US,

because I thought it was so cool.

I had just finished University and I

was looking for a job when

I got an email for a job opening in the US.

So you came here for a job opportunity.

Yes,
but mostly for the American experience.

And what is the American experience?

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,

good people, and friends.

How is your experience so far?

The best ever. I'm hoping
this experience will help me in

starting my own company in China.

Okay Dan Dan,
you can take your seat, thank you.

Okay folks,
I think that about does it. Right?

Would you mind if I take the test?

Not at all I,
don't see why that's a problem.

Okay first off, I would like to say

how thoroughly impressed
I am by these guys for

creating this.

Let's give them a round of applause.

Let's have some fun.

Okay.

Like this?

Yeah, just like that. Do you
work for the government?

Yes.

Have you ever eaten your toenails?

No.

You have to keep it truthful now.

Let's refrain from asking
personal questions.

I'm afraid I can't do that,
we have to get to know

you and see if you're trustworthy.

Fair enough.

Okay, do you think Zorik is bangable?

He's okay.

All right, all right what will
you use this technology for?

Only at US ports of Entry.

Plus every courtroom

everywhere.

So, what do you think of Nash,
Cameron, Dan Dan, and Zorik?

How do I feel about these
guys. Aside from their accents,

they are Americans to me.

Well you guys did it!

Yeah, just give us a minute
and we'll clear our desks.

There won't be any need
for that. You guys screwed up

royally, but you also contributed
immensely to this company.

Not to mention the country,
I want you all guys all back here tomorrow.

Really?

Yeah, we have lots of work to do.

All right.

But leave the makeup off,
you guys look a lot cuter this way.

Was it that bad?

Excuse me, Homeland Security, come with me.

F*** man.

Are you kidding?

Is this a joke?

How did they know?

How do you think?

I can't believe Holly isn't
tweeting about this yet.

Where is she?

Oh yeah, Holly, she got
arrested for selling fake boner pills

off her social media.

We were detained by the
Department of Homeland Security,

and kept in a holding cell. We
all knew it was the end of us,

and we were being deported. But,
something really

unexpected happened. The
US government pardoned us.

They said that the work we
have done is recognized as

a service for the country and
just like that we were free again.

Soon after, we were all in high demand.

We all landed jobs
developing highly classified

projects for different companies in the US.

Sounds like you all hit the jackpot.

Well, the American dream is the jackpot.

Everything else is an added perk to it.

Well, here's where I get off.

Nash, you've got an incredible story.

Thank you for sharing this

I can't wait to start writing about this.

I'm glad we talked this
was the best interview, and

thanks for bringing all the memories back.

Anything you want to leave us with?

Yes, I got the citizenship
and that's the highest honor of

my life. As a piece of advice, I

would say,
do not react to any situation in life

always respond to it.

Thats amazing, congratulations.

Roger, please drop her back at her place.