Major Payne (1995) - full transcript

"Bad To The Bone" by George
Thorogood and the Destroyers

Now on the day
I was born

The nurses all
gathered round

And they gazed
in wide wonder

At the joy they had found

The head nurse spoke up

Said leave this one alone

She could tell right away

That I was bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone



Bad to the bone

Bad

- Let's move out !
- Get in front of that wall !

- B-B-B-B-Bad
- Follow me !

B-B-B-B-Bad

Bad to the bone

When I walk the streets

Kings and queens step aside

- Every woman I meet

They all stay satisfied

I wanna tell you about it
baby

What I see
I make my own

And I'm here
to tell you, honey

- That I'm bad to the bone
- My arm !



- Bad to the bone
- I've been shot !

- Bad to the bone

Let me take a look at that.

- Want me to show you a little trick ?

Take your mind
off that arm ?

Give me your hand.

Now, you may feel
a little... pressure.

Agh ! My finger !
My finger !

- Work every time.

And I'm bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

B-B-B-B-B-Bad

B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad

Bad to the bone

You had better give up, senor.
You cannot kill us all.

Nope, but I can clean
your colon out quicker than...

one of them burritos
with extra guacamole sauce.

And I'm bad to the bone

B-B-B-B-Bad

B-B-B-B-Bad

B-B-B-B-Bad

At ease, Payne.

Relax. Do you know
why you're here ?

Sir, no, sir !

The promotion board report
came out last week.

This is the new
lieutenant colonel list.

Your name is not on it.

You get two chances
to advance,

then we gotta
show you the hatch.

Base admin is cutting your
discharge orders right now.

General, are you tryin' to tell me
in all this man's military...

there is no room left for
a trained weapon of destruction ?

The fighting is no longer
done on the battlefields, Payne.

Now all the blood is shed
in the halls of Congress.

Boys like us
are becoming dinosaurs.

There gotta be somebody
need some killin'.

I'm sorry, Major,
there's no one left.

You've killed 'em all.
Good luck.

It's been two whole
weeks since I killed me a man,

and already I'm startin'
to get the itch.

Problem is I ain't
got nothin' to scratch.

God, I'm hungry.

Hungry for action.

- Hungry for blood.

Hell.

I'm just
plain ol' hungry.

- Feel I'm gettin' weaker...

while Charlie's growin'
stronger in the jungle.

I can't lose my edge.

I gotta keep my strength up.
I gotta maintain discipline.

Because the hard reality was...

I gotta get a job.

- And what better place...

than somewhere that would
allow me to employ...

my skills
as a trained killer.

Mister... Payne ?

This is a dramatization
of a domestic violence dispute.

You arrive on the scene to find
a woman, played by Ms. Goodwin,

- Hello, ma'am.
- claiming to have been assaulted...

by her husband,
played by Mr. Shipman.

- Happy to meet you.
- Same here.

Your objective is to effectively
neutralize the situation.

Neutralize.

Begin.

He hit me !

- You like to beat women ?
- Officer, l--

Don't never... hit...
her... again.

- Hear me ? Hear me ? Huh ?
- I-l can't-- Wait !
Agh ! Ooh !

Payne, what happened ?
You've only been out one week.

It's civilian life, sir.
I had a minor setback.

Listen, I made some calls,
and I got an assignment for you.

It's not great, you understand,
but it gets you back in the military.

So after two and a half weeks...

of livin' a civilian puke's
existence,

I was back in uniform,
back in the Corps.

Back to the sweet smell
of mustard gas...

and killin'.

Little did I know
what awaited for me.

I've toured 11 separate
engagements...

from Iraq to Haiti,

but nothin' I did would prepare me
for this newest assignment.

I was told it would be
my greatest challenge.

It was sure to be
a living hell.

The Glee Club...

- will be meeting at 3:30.

Will the teachers
please report to the quad...

for the science fair judging.

Tiger ? Tiger, come back here.

- I'm not gonna chase you.

What you runnin' from, boy ?

She's tryin' to give me
a shot !

You don't like needles ?

You want me to show you a little trick
take your mind off that pain ?

Here, gimme your hand.

Now, you may
feel a little bit of pressure.

Hi, I'm Emily Walburn,
the school counselor.

You must be Major Payne.

That's a mighty fine handshake
you got there.

- You wanna wrestle ?

Uh, no thanks.

I wrestle with these kids all day.
This one's usually my big helper.

Come on, Tiger.
Nice meeting you, Major.

Nice meetin' you,
Miss Ma'am.

Tiger !
Tiger, come back here !

I'm not gonna chase you.

Mmm.

- Come in.

Major Payne reportin'
for duty, sir !

What ?

Major Payne.
The new commandant ?

Oh. Right.
You're in charge of the green boys.

Come again ?

The green boys.

They wear those green things.

You know, it's funny, when they stand
in front of bushes, I can't see them.

Why are you here ?

The R.O.T.C. program.

I understand you've been placin'
last, eight years runnin'
in the Virginia Military Games.

- I am here to remedy that.

We have an R.O.T.C. program ?

- The green boys, sir.
- Oh, right.

Between us, I don't care
what you do with those boys,

as long as you keep them
out of my hair.

Is that all ?

- Oh ! Would you like
a tour of the campus ?

No. I'd like to see
my men.

Fall in ! Move it,
you idiots ! Let's go !

Come on, Williams !
Let's move it. Get a hop on it, boy !

Mo-o-o-o-ve !

Fall in, everyone !
Fall in ! Let's go !

Come on, people !
Mo-o-o-ve !

Hustle, hustle, hustle !
Let's go. Giddyap !

Giddyap, let's go !

Sir, the squad
is formed, sir !

Carry on.

My name is
Major Benson Winifred Payne !

As of 0800...

I am replacin'
Major Frankfurt...

as your commanding officer !

See now,
what we have here...

is a failure to communicate.

Do... not... attempt...

to challenge...

my... authority !

I have eight weeks
to turn you gaggle of maggots...

into a well-disciplined
cadet unit.

From this day forward,

your sorry asses belong to me.

You will not eat, sleep,
drink, blow your nose,

or even dig in your butts
without my say-so !

Know this: Killin'
is my business, ladies,

and business is good !

- Yoo-hoo !
- What ?

I have to go
to the bathroom.

- You hold it, turd.
- I can't !

I said hold it, or
I'll break that off...

and kick it around
on the ground.

Now, be advised, ladies,

- we are going to win
the Virginia Military Games !

- I said win: Whiskey, Indian, November.

Get used to the sound
of that word !

- Major Payne !
- What, boy ? What, what, what ?

I did somethin' bad.

- You nasty little worm !

Go change your Huggies, boy,

and be back here pronto !

Stop that cryin' !
You'll get no pity from me !

You think your tears'll stop Charlie
from takin' his bayonet...

- and stickin' it in
your little tiny heart ?

- What the hell was that, you
little freckle-faced cartoon ?

Did I give you
permission to sneeze, Opie ?

- No, sir.
- Then you hold it in,
you big-eared turd,

- otherwise I'll kick your ass
back to Mayberry !

I see we have a sickly boy
on our hands.

We're gonna have to boost
your immune system, son !

Drop down,
give me 25 pushups now !

- Count 'em out !
- One, sir.

- Two, sir.

What are you laughin' at, pig-boy ?

You find a piece of candy
in your pocket ?

- No, sir !
- What's your name, tubby ?

- H-Heathcoat, sir !
- Heathcoat.

You know, you remind me
of the doughboy.

If I poke your stomach
will it make you go

You know what ? I'm gonna help you
make room for lunch, bacon-boy.

Drop down, give me 30 situps
right now ! Let's go !

Count 'em out !
Let me see that belly roll !

- One, tubby, tubby !

- One, sir.
- Come on, pork chop !

- Two, chubby, chubby !
- Two, sir.

Whoo !
You's a pure genius !

Who you ? Redd Foxx ?
No, better yet.

You Richard Pryor, ain't you ?
Whoo !

What's your name,
girlfriend ?

Dwight Williams, but the boys
call me "D," sir.

- You can call me D.
- D, hmm ?

Yeah, brother.

- You like the way I handle
these white boys, D ?
- Oh, yeah !

It make you feel good to see
a black man runnin' things, huh ?

- Malcolm X.
- Well, let me tell you somethin', D.

- Yeah, brother ?
- Why don't you come closer.

I... am not...

your damn brother !

Now drop down, give me
20 squat thrusts now !

One, sir.

What are you lookin' at,
ass-eyes ?

- Nothing, sir !
- You plottin' on me, boy ?

- No, sir !
- Well, let me
tell you somethin', ass-eyes.

Let me tell you all somethin':
War has made me very paranoid !

And when a man
gets to eyeballin' me,

it make my Agent Orange act up,
and I get the urge to kill !

- Do you understand me ?
- Sir, yes, sir !

- Do you all understand me ?
- Sir, yes, sir !

- I can't hear you.
- Sir, yes, sir !

And what is your damage,
muscle-head ? You stupid ?

You ignorant, or you
just plain ol' deaf ?

Yes, sir.
Actually, he is deaf.

Oh. Thank you.

Now drop down,
give me 25 more...

for speakin' out of line !

- One, sir.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man.

I didn't mean to offend you.
Do you speak sign language ?

Can you read lips ?
Let me break it down.

If you don't answer me
when I speak to you,

I'm goin' put my foot in your ass !
Is that clear, dummy ?

Sir, yes, sir.

Hold on, guys.
Wait-- Oof !

Wait !

Hey, guys !
Don't start without me !

Come on !
Wait ! Hold on.

Comin'.

Hello, gorgeous.
Welcome to my party.

You know, you're out of
uniform there, Mr. Fonzarelli.

Yeah, well, uh, l-l like
this look better, General--

- Admiral-- whatever.
- It's Major, boy.

Oooh. Looks like...

we got another major
on our hands here, guys.

- Oooh !
- Ha-ha !
- Major, ooh, a major !

What's your name,
girlie-mouth ?

Uh, Cadet Alex Stone, sir !

Yes, sir !
Heigh-ho, sir !

Well, I'm glad to see
you got a sense of humor.

So do l. Heh-heh-heh.

From now on, my little group
of scrotum sacs,

you will strive
to be like me.

You will walk like me,
talk like me,

and until you win those games,

you will be bald like me !

Way to go this time, Alex.

Dotson, take these men
for two hours of P.T. !

Yes, sir ! First
exercise will be the side straddle hop !

- Side straddle hop.
- Squad. Ready.

One, two, three.

Come on, bacon-boy !
Come on !

- Ready, squad !
- Dotson, sit down and shut up.

I'm writin' you up, buddy !
That's it. No more of this !

I'm writin' you up, buddy !
That's it. No more of this !

You're scaring me !

Hello, Miss Walburn.

Major Payne, could you please
help me to understand...

why you shaved
the children bald ?

Oh, that's my little
incentive program.

These boys have to
earn their due.

Their hairdo, that is.
Heh-heh-heh.

Do they have to earn
their bathroom privileges too ?

What do you want,
Mister Pee-body ?

Oh, he's upset about this morning.
Apparently he had a little accident.

Apparently he pissed all over
the front of his pants.

Well, maybe that's
because he's six.

'Cause he's six ? Woman, when I was
six years old I had a full-time job.

Well, I told him that you have
something that you'd like to say to him.

You think I owe you
an apology ?

Want me to take back some of those
mean and hurtful little things I said ?

Okay. I'm sorry
you're just a little turd...

that can't hold your liquid
out in public.

Now you get on outta my face
'fore I pick you up and
toss you out that window !

- Major, have you ever done
this kind of work before ?

Woman, under this here hat...

I've trained 20,432...

combat killin' machines.

Well, that's just my point.

You see, now you're
dealing with children,
and children have special needs.

Do you know what
positive reinforcement means ?

Is that anything like where you take
a P.O.W. and you snap his neck...

after you torture him, so he don't have
to go through life with a colostomy bag?

Sort of.

I'd like to
make a suggestion.

Why don't you and I
become partners...

in the emotional growth and development
of these little ones ?

What do you say ?

Will you be my big helper
and help me do that ?

- Yes.
- Good !

Why do I feel
like a jackass ?

Ha ! Look at that baldy !

Hey ! Your head's
shaped like a bowling ball !

Nazi, fascist pig !

I know where I'm gonna shave him !
Damn Major Payne !

I didn't want you
to be brother !

Most of the body heat
travels through the head,

and if I'm sick,
I'm gonna start throwing up.

That damn Payne's already
starting to get on my nerves.

Turd this, turd that.
Who he think he is ?

Just shut up.

You tellin' me to shut up ?
Why don't you shut your damn mouth...

and stop eatin' all that
damn candy, you fat pig ?

I look like Curly
from "The Three Stooges."

Did I say you
could touch my bed ?

- No.
- Get off.

Ow !

Payne's gonna kill us.
You know I have a heart condition.

I'm not sure he's familiar
with my medical history.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go ! Come on !

Move it ! Saddle up
that horsey and ride !

You ever hear of knocking,
Dotson ?

You won't have to worry
about that anymore.

I have good news
for you, assholes.

Pack your bedding, your kit
and your clothes ! Let's go !

Where to ?

Hello, cue balls !
Welcome to the house of Payne.

He's gotta be joking.

The squad that lives together,
wins together.

Unity, turds.

That is the key word
in "unit," without the y.

Tiger, Leland,

you will reside
at the R.O.T.C. buildin'.

The rest of you garbage,

grab a rack and settle in.

grab a rack and settle in.

Let's move out.

You eyeball me again, I'll snatch it out
and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag.

It's so damp.
What about my allergies ?

You know how far we are
from the kitchen ?

- Why can't I stay here ?
- 'Cause I said so.

Major Payne, sir.

What ?

Sir, I think I speak for everyone
when I say that this place is...

unacceptable, sir.

Really ?

Love my barracks night and day

Love my barracks
night and day

Won't complain
That's where I'll stay

Won't complain
That's where I'll stay

- Good plan this time, Alex.
- Why don't you shut up ?

All right, my little
patch of Brussels sprouts,

uproot yourselves, climb out
the pool and get some rest.

You're gonna need it.

Tomorrow, ladies,

we gonna start
the hard stuff.

- The hard stuff ?

Let's move it, you turds !

You'll get no sympathy
from me !

You want sympathy, look in the
dictionary between shit and syphilis !

That's where
you'll find my sympathy !

This ain't no walk in the park !
Move it ! Hustle, hustle !

Hey, Dumbo ! You should be able
to fly through those tubes...

- with them big-ass ears, boy !
- Yeah, Dumbo ! Fly, baby, fly !

Hey, Williams ! You tell
Marlee Matlin's son...

if he don't get across that rope,
I'm gonna hang him with it !

He'll hang you with it !
Ha-ha-ha !

Heathcoat !

You get your fat body
over that wall !

- Take your fat,
pork chop body over that--
- You-- You shut up.

Nobody's leavin' here until
the average for this squad...

is one minute,
twenty seconds !

Come on, he can't do it !
Leave him alone.

I can barely do it.
It's slippery out here.

Slippery, he say !

You think Charlie care
anything about slippery ?

Only thing he knows
is slit your throat.

What if this was
a life or death situation ?

But it's not
a life or death situation.

- It is now.

One Mississippi.
Two Mississippi.

Come on, guys ! What, are you crazy ?
It's just a dummy grenade.

Come on, guys ! What, are you crazy ?
It's just a dummy grenade.

- Damn ! Oh !

Who's the dummy now ?

So what is it, exactly ?

Concentrated dithiazanine.

- What the hell is that ?
- It's like a super-laxative.

This here'll pack enough punch
to take out an entire football team.

Payne'll never
get off the can.

He'll be makin' beef stool
'til graduation.

- Yeah.
- All right. Payne'll
never know what hit him.

Kill !

Major Payne, sir ?

Can't you see
I'm eatin', turd ?

There's a call for you, sir.

He's coming !
He's coming !

Mmm. Mmm.

Hmm.

- Ready !
- Damn !
He nearly put you in a coma.

- Ready on the firing range !
- It can't be legal the way
he's been treating us.

- Turds, commence firing !
- Let's just tell Phillips.

- Nah, that senile old fool
ain't gonna help us.

What kind of shootin' is that ?

Hey ! Hey, dummy !

What's the matter,
you can't see, either ?

We gotta get rid of
that son of a bitch.

You maggots couldn't
hit a bull in the ass !

We're gonna
have to prove...

- Payne did something so vile,

so perverse,

so disgusting...

that Phillips will have
no choice but to fire him.

Like what ?

Why me ?

- 'Cause you have got the biggest tits.

- Shh. Shh.
- Ahem.

Well, why not Wuligar ?

'Cause Wuligar's
gotta take the pictures.

Look, it's been
four hours. He hasn't blinked.

These Special Forces guys
can sleep with their eyes open.

Trust me.

What happened to
the other dress ?

- This one's prettier.

- Shut up, Brian !
- Shh ! Come on.

Williams, go.

Man, you sure about this ?
He looks awake to me.

No, I checked on that.

Watch this.

Yo, turd-sniffer. Maggot-face !

See ?
He's dead to the world.

Let's go.

- Get in.
- Can't I just stand beside the bed ?

Get in.

- Get in !

Now put your head
on his shoulder.

- Are you crazy ?
- Do it !

- Closer.

Closer.

Now, now, now put
your arm around him.

Good. Now hold it.

Hold it. Okay.

- Hello, Betty.
- Aghhh !

Got no worry, got no stress

Got no worry, got no stress

'Cause we feel good
in our dress

'Cause we feel good
in our dress

Major Payne's
a major dis

Major Payne's
a major dis

Makes us squat
when we piss

He makes us squat
when we piss

Got no worries
Got no care

- Got no worries, got no care

I'm a baldheaded son
of a bitch without hair

I'm a baldheaded
son of a bitch without hair

Used to be Samson
Now I'm Ann

Used to be Samson
Now I'm Ann

Gotta earn my right
to be called a man

Gotta earn my right
to be called a man

I'll tell you, ladies,
you're the purtiest unit
ever underneath my command !

Maybe I'll have to
change my name...

- to Pimp Daddy Payne !

- Heh-heh-heh.
- Major !

What are the boys doing
in those dresses ?

They puttin' on
a fashion show.

I thought we had a little talk about
this kind of negative reinforcement.

Weren't you gonna
be my big helper ?

Yeah, but they started it.

- Well, I'm stopping it.
- Don't touch my whistle.

- I was just gonna--
- Don't touch the whistle.

All right, ladies !

Take off those dresses. Head to
your barracks. Fold 'em up neatly.

Let's move it.

- You should shave your legs more.
- Shut up !

Good day, Miss Walburn.

Do you really think
that this approach...

is the best way to gain
the trust of these boys ?

They may not like me,
but they will respect me.

Let me be more direct.

- They hate you.
- Good.

It'll draw them close together,
make 'em a team.

- That's a very cynical plan.
- Yeah, but it won't backfire.

Here. I would like you to consider
an alternative approach.

I want you to have this book.

Read it.
Apply it.

"The ABC's of the Loving
Male Role Model."

- I don't need your book.
- Take it.

- I don't want it.
- Take it.

- I don't want it.
- Please, Major ?

Okay.

Shut up.

All right. I got a surefire plan
to get rid of that son of a bitch.

- What is it ?
- What ? What ?

- It's gonna cost us. How much you got ?
- Twenty.

- I got 25.
- Put me down for 40.

- All right, Dotson !
- Yeah !
- Yeah !

All right, we're takin' out
Payne tomorrow !

- Yeah !
- Yeah !
- Yeah !

"Love is the key...

to understandin'."

"The Three Bees.

Bee a good listener.

Bee sensitive
to their needs."

Well, hello, Miss Walburn.

I just came by to let you know that
Wuligar has a slight temperature,

so you might not want to
torture him this evening.

I will be... sensitive...

to his needs.

Have you been
reading the book ?

I might have glanced at it
once or twice.

Oh, well, that's very good !
I'm very proud of you, Major.

- Oh, shucks.
It ain't hard bein' sensitive.

- He's back ! He's back !
- Who's back ?

The man who lives
in my closet.

Aw, boy, get on outta here with that
"I'm scared of the dark" crap.

Go on, now. Git !

Sensitive.

Sensitive, sensitive.

Hello, there, fella.
You know what you're havin' ?

It's called a nightmare.

You know
what a nightmare is ?

Well, that's all this is.

Why don't you run on back
to your room...

before that man jump out the closet
and chop your little head off.

Sensitive.

You call that
being sensitive ?

Let me give you
a little history on Kevin Dunne.

- Both of his parents are dead.
- Car accident, 1989.

Lived in the Chelsea orphanage
'til 1991 when the school adopted him.

I know all about it.

Well, then you should also know that
the last thing he needs right now...

is a sadistic father figure
scaring the life out of him.

Maybe what he need...

is for you to pop your titty
out his mouth...

and let the boy grow up.

Excuse me ?
What did you say ?

I didn't stutter.

I said:

"Pop your titty out his mouth...

and stop babyin' him !"

I don't call it babying.
I call it nurturing.

And I call it neutering !

And I call you an insecure,
overbearing, psychopathic,

dictatorial, egomaniacal,
frigid, lunatic asshole !

I ain't frigid.

He's still there !

You wanna see nurturin' ?

He's in there ?

- If he's still in there,
he ain't happy.
- What was that ?

Major Payne just terminated that
bad man with extreme prejudice !

And if he's still in there,
he ain't happy !

You run on back to bed.

That bad man ain't
gonna bother you no more.

Thank you, Major.

I love you.

What's your angle, boy ?
You plottin' on me ?

- No, sir !
- Don't you know I could snap your
neck in 20 different places ?

Major, Major !
It's okay !

He's just trying to show you
some affection !

I don't like it.

Make me feel all funny.

- Uh, good night, Miss Walburn.
- Good night, Major.

- Where is he ?
- He better get here.

Alex ! Alex !

- Alex, did you do it ?
- How much did it cost ?

- Where were you ?
- Shh. I did it. I did it.

Squad ! Atten-hut !

Let's go, maggots.
Follow my lead !

Payne's not here
He's in our ass

Payne's not here
He's in our ass

Butt's so tight
he can't pass gas

Butt's so tight
he can't pass gas

- Sound off
- One, two

- Sound off
- Three, four

Break it on down
Break it on down

Break it on down

Break it down

You like to rhyme,
boy ?

What's your name ?
Bushwick Bill ?

No, let me guess.
You Snoop Diggety Dogg.

Turds ! Front leanin'
rest position. Move !

I'm 'a teach you
how I rhyme military style !

One !

Don't you feel dumb ?

Two !
Look at you.

Three.

Don't you ever make no jokes
about me behind my back,

otherwise I stomp you
in the ground !

All right, ladies.

Hey, Dunne.
You missed all the fun.

Heh-heh.
That's another rhyme.

- All right, we're headin'
out to the field...
- There he is.

for two hours
of weapons drill.

Yo, Payne !

You Payne ?

I got somethin'
to say to you.

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

What beanstalk
you fall from ?

You know, I heard you've been
givin' these boys a hard time.

In fact,
I heard you couldn't cut it...

in the real man's military !

- I heard that it's time
for you to leave.

Know what I heard ?

I heard your mother was so fat
she played pool with the planets.

- Yes !

You thinkin'
about leaving yet ?

Actually,
I think the party just begun.

Heh-heh-heh.

Now, what I'm goin' do
is take this right foot...

and I'm 'a put it 'cross
the left side your face.

- Don't give me
that Billy Jack bullshit !
- Whoo !

Agh.

Y-You said you were gonna--

hit me in the face.

What, you callin' me
a liar ?

Ooh !

Oh, children.

Somebody's gonna answer
for this blood from my lip.

I want names.

I wanna know
who's responsible.

Don't all run at once.

I guess nobody's
responsible.

Guess I just had that one a-comin'.

Well, you know
what y'all got comin' ?

Seven 23-hour days...

full of fun and adventure.

I'm gonna
make you boys strong !

Sir.

Yes, turd ?

It was me, sir.
I hired him.

Well, that's one
death warrant signed.

Do I have
any more volunteers ?

What about you,
brown-nose ?

I acted alone, sir.

The rest of the squad
was unaware of my activities.

That's a pretty bold move
there, Mr. Stone.

What do you think
I oughta do with you ?

I don't know, sir.

You don't know.

I guess you should
probably expel me, sir.

What, and send you
on a vacation ?

Dotson !

- Sir, yes, sir !
- You are no longer the squad leader.

Stone. You are now
cadet sergeant.

If these men win
the Virginia Military Games,

it'll be because you
have led them to a victory.

If they lose,

it'll be
because you failed them.

- I don't accept that responsibility.
- It's not negotiable.

If I'm the new squad leader,
my first order is to screw you, sir !

What'd you say to me, turd ?

Why don't you go back to hell
where you came from ?

Boy, I am two seconds
from bein' on you...

Like white on rice and a glass of milk
on a paper plate in a snowstorm !

I will put my foot
so far up your ass,

the water on my knee
will quench your thirst.

Try it.

- You want me gone, boy ?
- Yes, sir.

I said, "Do you want
me gone, soldier ?"

Yes, sir !

Then you meet me outside
the R.O.T.C. buildin' at 2100 hours.

You ladies want me gone,
you'll get your chance.

Where is the first place trophy
from the Virginia Military Games ?

Wellington Academy, sir !

I want that trophy.

If you turds can bring me
that trophy,

I will resign my command.

This is a black op, gentlemen.

If you are discovered,
I will deny all knowledge...

and you will pay the price.

That is my deal.

Do you accept it ?

Sir... yes, sir.

Then bring me my trophy.

This is it, our big chance
to get rid of Payne.

We got two miles to get
to Wellington. Let's get it
outta there as fast as we can.

Hustle, move it !
Let's go !

Go, go, go ! This is
your last chance, Dotson.

What, you think I'm gonna come
and help you make me look bad ?

Anyway, I called my dad.
I'm leavin' this stupid school.

Bye. Have a good time.

- Whoa. Where you goin' ?
- I'm goin' in the black op.

You can't come.
You're too little.

Why don't you stay back here
and guard the base, okay ?

What's the matter with you,
boy ?

They won't let me go on no black op.
Th-They say I'm too little.

No one ever lets you do
anything when you're too little.

Aw, phooey !

What about all those stories about
the little people that do big things ?

Like Little Red Riding Hood ?
Them three little pigs ?

Spike Lee ?
Or them Little Rascals ?

You ever hear the story about
The Little Engine That Could ?

Let me tell you that story.

Once upon a time,

deep, deep in the jungle,

there was a little engine
that could.

He was chuggin' his way
across the enemy line.

Chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot !

This little engine's
mission...

was to take some AK-47s
and a nuclear payload...

over the mountain
to the 2063 Battalion.

Needless to say,

there was plenty opposition.

You think that stopped
the little engine that could ?

No, siree, Bob.
He just kept chuggin' along.

Chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga.

Toot, toot !

Not even when they climbed
aboard the train and popped out
the eyes of the conductor,

and blood and snot was
drippin' out his eye sockets.

You think that stopped
the little engine that could ?

Damn skippy.
He just kept chuggin' along.

Chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot !

It wasn't until...

Charlie rigged a bridge
with plastic explosives...

just as the little engine was makin'
his way across the trestle.

Boom !
An explosion happened.

And blood and guts and spit
and ass was everywhere !

And Bubba come
crawlin' out the back door,

both legs missin'.

Lula May's baby boy !

He look up at me.
He said, "Payne !

I can't feel my legs."

I said, "Bubba,
they ain't there."

And I looked down,

and them little bloody nubs
was kickin' real fast, like this here.

And I said, "Bubba, it's
30 miles to the nearest town.

'Less you can flip upside down
and walk on your hands,
you ain't gonna make it."

All of a sudden,
Charlie was all over the place !

It was just me and my sidearm.

And I had
no other alternative...

but to blast my way out.

"Die, pig ! Die ! You'll never take
Major Benson Winifred Payne alive !"

Bam ! "I saw what you did
to my friend !" Bam !

- Major ! Major ! Major !
- Bam ! Bam ! Bam !

Hello, Miss Walburn.

You just missed
a little bedtime story.

No. I didn't, actually.

In fact, I'd love to talk to you
about that story.

Perhaps over dinner ?

Okay.

Okay. I'll go get ready.

- Me too.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right, good-bye.

To be continued.
When I come back, I'll tell you...

- what Bubba used as a penis.
- Ooh.

Well, ain't you gonna eat ?

I think I'll wait a moment.
My stomach's a little upset.

Them some mighty fine vittles.

Shouldn't let 'em
go to waste.

You know, I think you're really
making some wonderful strides...

with the way you're
dealing with the children.

That was almost
a really good thing...

you tried to do
for Tiger tonight.

May I make a suggestion ?

Proceed.

Well, your story,
while colorful--

was a bit rough.

You mean,
the explosion !

Yes, and the eye-gouging part.

You need to loosen up.

Not everything
can be about war.

What do you
like to do for fun ?

I like to hang upside down
blindfolded,

take my gun apart
and put it back together...

before my nose
starts to bleed.

Oh, that's great !

But is there anything that you like
that doesn't have to do with battle ?

- Like what ?
- Like golf.

Negative.

Do you like the movies ?

Negative.

I don't suppose you dance.

I've been known
to cut a little rug...

in my day.

There's only one place
where we can go

To see freaky girls
doin' shows

Doin' tricks
to make us holler

Ain't you gonna dance ?

Benson.

Not like others
but above the rest

Just do any effect to turn us on
Them girls got it goin' on

Benson.

Nobody does the robot anymore.

Then I guess I gotta dig
further into my repertoire.

- I get hard after seein' you
- Heh-heh-heh.

How hard
Hard like a rock

When you make
that coochie pop

Pop that coochie
Hey, pop that coochie, baby

Pop that coochie
Hey, pop that coochie, baby

Pop that coochie

Pop, Pop that coochie, baby
Pop, pop, pop that coochie

Pop, pop
that coochie, baby

Freaky girls
with plenty of class

Roamin' to the music
and shakin' real fast

Bend over backwards, make me shout
Work that body in and out

- Moving that body
with plenty of action

Bringin' to the man
more satisfaction

Doin' what they did
to turn us out

Just work that body
all the way out

Shake it, don't break it
It took your mama
nine months to make it

Bend over
and spread 'em, girl

Show me those
cultured pearls

Play that butt
and don't you quit

Then blow me
a freaky kiss

Girl, you know
you look so cute

Williams, you take these guys and fan
out the left flank of the school. Go !

Gotcha.

Wuligar. You take these two
and cover the right.

- Got it ?
- Got it. Come on !

Don't move !

Madison is a loser.

Man, get in there.

All right ? And then
his chest cavity exploded.

Boom ! Heh-heh-heh.

You know, that was the first time I ever
drove a man's nose up into his brain,

causin' instant death
and simultaneous bowel evacuation.

But enough about me, woman.
What's your story ?

I'm surprised you ain't dropped
about 12 puppies by now.

- Ain't you never been married ?

Yeah, I was.

What happened ?
You terminate his command ?

No.
Actually, he left.

I wanted children.
He didn't.

Any man that'd leave you
oughta be monkey-stomped...

and have his brains
mailed back to his mother.

Well, thank you, Benson.

How about you ?
Was there ever a Mrs. Payne ?

Negative. I figured if the Marines
wanted me to have a wife,

they'd have issued me one.

Well,

I had a really
nice time tonight, Benson.

Heck, bein' with you is
almost better than cleanin' my gun.

- I got somethin' for you.
- Oh, what is it ?

It's a bullet.

It's somethin' special.

It's from my heart.

Really ? Well,
where'd you get it ?

From my heart.
Left ventricle.

I took it out myself
with a field knife.

And I want you
to have that.

Thank you, Benson.

Good night.

Good night, princess.

Whee-e-e-e, doggie !

What the hell
are you doin' in my office ?

It was a trap.

You set us up.

I mighta made a little
anonymous call.

You didn't think they was
just gonna hand it to you, did ya ?

We got the crap kicked out of us
because of you !

Tonight wasn't
about fair or unfair.

It was about
achievin' your objective.

Did you ?

Did you even
see that trophy ?

Oh, I saw it.

And when you saw it,
did you want it ?

Yeah, to get rid of you.

That's not
what I asked !

Did you want it ?

I wanted it.

- To own it ?
- Yeah.

- Deserve it ?
- Yeah.

- To win it ?
- Oh, yeah.

Then let's win it,
you bruised-up turd !

If you really want it,
I'll show you how to earn it.

Welcome, parents, to Madison School.

For your convenience,

we will be announcing activities
throughout the day,

if they happen.

Hey, Heathcoat,
your parents comin' today ?

Nah, of course not.

- How 'bout you, Williams ?
- What, are you kidding ?

My parents said they'd
come, but they said they got allergies.

What the hell
happened to you ?

Me ? Nothing.
I'm great.

Look at you, though.

Regular little soldier man.

You a hard-ass now ?

What are you
doin' here ?

It's Parents Day,
and I am your legal guardian.

You're drunk.

Don't you walk away
from me.

Oh.

Gimme a little salute.

I'm not gonna salute you.

You salute your superiors.

- Or don't they teach that around here ?
- What superior ?

They kicked you out.
Remember ?

Don't you sass me
like your mother.

You're mine now.
I own you.

And you will respect me.

Now you salute me.

No !

You hit that boy again,
I'm gonna do more than salute you.

- This is between me and my son.
- Stepson.

Whoever he is,
he's on my time now.

Now I'm gonna ask you nicely,
please return to your vehicle.

You go on now.

Go on back
to your bunk, son.

Major Payne, sir.

Yeah.

I wanna
get that trophy, sir.

Come again ?

I wanna
get that trophy, sir.

- What, you want to steal it ?
- No, sir.

- You want to win it ?
- I want to earn it, sir.

The rest of you men
feel the same way ?

Meet me on the parade ground,
1700 hours.

We got work to do.

Squad, atten-hut !

What you want

Baby, I got

What you need
You know I got it

All I'm askin'

- Is for a little respect when you come home
- Just a little bit

- Hey, baby
- Just a little bit

- When ya get home
- Just a little bit

- Mister
- Just a little bit

I ain't gonna do you wrong
while you're gone

I ain't gonna do you wrong
'cause I don't wanna

All I'm askin' is for a
little respect when you come home

- Just a little bit just a little bit
- Baby, when you get home

And all I'm askin'
in return, honey

Is to give me my propers
when you get home

- Just a, just a, just a
- Yeah, baby, when you get home

- Just a little bit
Just a little bit
- Yeah

Two. Three.

Four. Five.

Six. Seven.

Eight.

Ooh, your kisses

Sweeter than honey

- And guess what, so is my money
- Forty inches breast-to-back.

All I want you to do for me
is give it to me when you get home

- Re-re-re-re, re-re-re-respect
- Yeah, baby

Whip it to me

- Just a little bit
- When you get home, now

Just a little bit

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take out T-C-P

- Sock it to me, sock it to me
- A little respect

- Whoa, yeah, a little respect
- Just a little bit

- You're runnin' out of food
- Just a little bit

- And I ain't lyin'
- Just a little bit

- Re-re-re-re, re-re-re-respect
- Respect when you come home

- Well, you might want
- Just a little bit

- To keep on tryin'
- Just a little bit

- You're runnin' out of food
and I ain't lyin'
- Just a little bit

- Respect when you come home

- I get tired, keep on tryin'
- Just a little bit

- Or you might walk
even further out the door
- Just a little bit

Squad ! Atten-hut !

Present arms !

Order arms !

Left face !

Right face !

Rank, rest !

You're still
a shit sandwich.

You're just not a soggy one.

From now on,
you are no longer turds.

You've graduated...
to maggots.

You're a family,
a team.

Let's win them games.

Squad !

Atten-hut !

General on deck.

Major, I have news so good
I've decided to deliver it personally.

America needs you.

There's a situation in Bosnia
that requires your special services.

As of this moment, you are reinstated
in the United States Marines...

at the rank
of Lieutenant Colonel.

- Thank you, sir !
- Congratulations.

Your unit will be
leaving out of Washington.

You will arrive tomorrow
at 1600 for briefing.

Here are your tickets.

Uh, General, uh, tomorrow are
the military games, and I was hoping--

Games ? Payne,
I fought to get you reinstated.

You wanted in.
I got you in.

You don't take this,
there won't be any more chances.

Sir, the major
will be there, sir !

Good man. I'll see you
in Washington.

Hey, hey, hey, Major.
Where you goin' ?

Back to killin'.
You wanna come ?

I didn't think so.

Go lead your men
into victory.

Great. What happened
to unity and family...

and all that other bullshit
that you taught us ?

I never said families
don't break up.

Don't you watch Oprah ?

So it's true.
You're just gonna leave.

You know, when they're through with you,
they're just gonna cut you loose again.

I asked to leave.
Them boys are makin' me soft.

Them boys need you !

All that hard work they did,
they did for you.

- They did it for themselves.
- Benson.

Look, woman.

I toured
11 separate engagements.

I didn't do that to come back
and be conquered by no woman
and a bunch of kids.

What'd you really think
I was gonna do, marry you ?

Put up a white picket fence ?
Adopt Tiger and become
the lovin' male role model ?

That's not me.
It's not Payne !

You're a no good
heartbreaker

You're a liar
and you're a cheat

And I don't know why

I let you do these things
to me

My friends keep tellin' me

That you ain't no good

Oh-h-h-h
but they don't know

That I'd leave you
if I could

I guess I'm uptight

And I'm stuck like glue

'Cause I ain't never

I ain't never

I ain't never no, no

Loved a man the way--

I can't believe
he actually left.

Alex, where
are you going ?

To the games.

You guys better start getting ready.
We gotta be there in an hour.

We don't have to go to the games.
Payne's gone.

We don't have a chance
without Payne.

Listen, Payne or no Payne,

I'm gonna go out there
and win that stupid trophy.

We busted our asses off
out there gettin' ready for this.

Now I didn't go through all that
to come out empty-handed.

So how 'bout it, guys ?
You with me ?

- Uh, I'm--
- Sure.
- Yeah.

- I can't hear you !
- Sir, yes, sir !

Just a little bit
louder now.

Sir, yes, sir !

One more time,
you maggots.

Sir, yes, sir-r-r-r !

Taggert, present arms.

Stapleton, present arms !

Wellington, present arms !

Madison, present arms !

Cadets, order arms !

Welcome, men,
to Wellington Academy,

to the 58th annual Junior R.O.T.C.
Virginia Military Games.

This morning,
you are all equal.

But by the end of the day today, we will
honor the finest of you with a trophy.

The trophy of a champion.

Let the games begin !

Good shot, Williams.
I got nothin' to say to you.

All right, Fox.
Keep goin'.

Yes !

Come on, guys ! Maggots !

Pull !

Go, Tiger ! Go !

Whoa ! Catch it !

Oh, I gotcha now !

Benson.

- On your mark. Get set.

One, sir. Two, sir.
Three, sir. Four, sir.

Five, sir. Six, sir.
Seven, sir.

Four, sir. Five, sir.
Six, sir.

Listen, Heathcoat.
Over the wall. Go ! Go !

Come on !
You can do it !

Come on !
Let's move it ! Move it !

See you later, loser.

- Is that him ?
- Yeah, come on !

- He just tripped him !
- The winner of the relay
race is Wellington Academy.

Second place:
Madison Preparatory.

Third place: Stapleton.

Fourth place: Taggert.

All right, knock it off!

Get off of him !

Hold it right there !
Hey, hey, you !

Knock it off ! Knock it off !

I want
that man arrested !

This is unsatisfactory !

I demand that
the Madison squad...

be disqualified
from the final competition !

Lieutenant, I can only disqualify
the cadet who started the disturbance.

That's not enough !
Look at 'em !

These animals are so pathetic, their own
commander didn't even bother to show up.

Ain't no need
for name-calling.

Major Payne.
What are you doing here ?

I was told you were
on an important assignment.

Well, what could be more important than
my boys winnin' this here competition ?

I suggest
we get this party started.

Is that okay with you,
Colonel ?

Cadets. I'm pleased to announce
the two top-rated squads...

who will compete for first and second
place in the parade drill competition:

Wellington Academy
and Madison Academy.

Arms, hut !
Left face !

Ladies and gentlemen, Wellington Academy.

- Forward march !
- Drill leader:
Sergeant Michael Rachmill.

Hup. Hup.
Hup. Hup.

All right, gentlemen. Let's look
alive here ! We got trophies to win !

Hello,
Mr. Denial.

While you were on vacation, we've been
havin' some real problems here.

I don't see no problem.
You made it to the finals, didn't you ?

Yeah,
no thanks to you.

So why'd ya come back ?
We don't need you.

Maybe I didn't come back
for you.

Why'd you
come back then ?

Maybe I told myself that I want
to see you win first place...

and ain't gonna leave
until you do !

So that's it ?

It's all about the trophy ?

Maybe... I like ya.

Just like ?

Maybe... I like you a lot.

That's it ?

Don't push the "maybe," baby.

Now let's win this thing !

We have nobody
to lead the drill.

- 'Course we do.
- Who ?

- Tiger.
- Are you crazy ?

- What ?
- That's right.

That boy know the drill
like the knob on the back of his head.

I can't do it.
I'm too little.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Wellington Academy Drill Team.

You need me to tell you the story about
the Little Engine That Could again ?

Then you get out there
and you toot that horn, boy.

Toot. Toot.

Toot. Toot.

Ladies and gentlemen, Madison Preparatory School.

Drill team leader:
Private Kevin "Tiger" Dunne.

Bust a move !

Now here we are together

Ready to do whatever

We started out as boys
Now we're men and we're makin' noise

So stand back and step clear
Madison cadets are the ones to fear

If you don't believe
battle us and you will see

Oh, yeah, here we come
Here we come, here we come

Hip-hop, hip-hop
hip-hop, ho

Hip-hop, hip-hop
hip-hop, ho

We can get down
'cause it's in our souls

We can get down
'cause it's in our souls

- Hit me with a one, two
- One, two

- Hit me with a three, four
- Three, four

Hit me with a one, two,
three, four

- One, two... three, four
- Mark time, march !

- Ahhhhh-hoo
- Present arms

Forward march

Huh, huh, huh, huh

Order arms

Philly stomp

Ho

Hit it

Oh, yeah

One, two, three
Get down on the hip-hop

Get down and get funky and you
don't stop, what, do dat, do dat

Go, Tiger
Do dat, do dat

Get down, do dat, do dat
Go, Tiger, do dat, do dat

- Get down, do dat, do dat
- Whoo ! Whoo ! Whoo ! Whoo !

- Get down, do dat, do dat
Go, Tiger, oof, oof
- Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h !

Salute

Madison Preparatory School.

Company ! Atten-hut !

Sir, squad
is formed, sir.

Post.

My name...

is Major Benson
Winifred Payne !

I'd like to be the first
to welcome you...

to the Madison School.

What we've tried
to develop here...

is a family environment.

One of trust
and understanding.

I'd like for you to think of me
not only as your commanding officer,

- but as your friend.

And what the hell is that ?

He's mine.

That-a-boy. Sit.

Good boy.

You know, there ain't no pets allowed
on these here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.

Yeah, well,
maybe that doesn't apply to me.

He's my blind seein'-eye dog.

What in the world would anybody want
with a blind dog ?

The dog ain't blind.

I'm the one that's blind,
you idiot.

Oh, I see you
and your friend Cujo here...

got a little attitudinal problem
needs some readjustin'.

I'm gonna fix that up
quick, fast and in a hurry.

Hey, Corporal !

Go tell Mama
bring my field knife.

Heh-heh-heh.

Ah, heh-heh-heh.

Oh, heh-heh.

Ah, heh-heh-heh.

Ho-ho-ho. Heh-heh-heh.

Ho-ho-ho. Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, heh-heh-heh.

Ah, heh-heh-heh.