Maid to Order (1987) - full transcript

Spoiled Jessie Montgomery, whose wild behavior and spending excesses cause her well-meaning but exasperated millionaire father Charles to wish he never had her, is visited by fairy godmother Stella. In an effort to save Jessie, Stella casts a spell which causes Charles to no longer have a daughter. Jessie, now penniless and without a friend, must take a maid's job to earn a living, and hopefully to learn her lesson...

Transcript by rabbit_01

Trini, how do I look?

- It's... You, Miss Jessie.
- Thank you.

Heavy date?

I am going to a banquet for
the Starlight Foundation.

Alone. Unless you'd like to join me.

No, thanks. I've got other plans.

Daddy, what would happen if
the Starlight Foundation

decided to grant some
old geezebag a wish,

and it turned out that what he wanted was
to torture and kill small animals?

We don't grant old geezebags wishes, Jess.

We try to help people who deserve it,
like children who need it.

- Dad, please! I'm zeroed out!
- I gave you two hundred.

- Well, it's ancient history.
- I believe it was lunchtime.

- I'll make do with a fifty.
- No!

- Is that fair?
- Yes.

- Woodrow!
- Oh Lord!

Woodrow! My best friend... my buddy!

Listen. Daddy stiffed me again
and I was wondering

if you could see your
way clear to...

- Great!
- I love you too.

Thanks man. I'll get it back
to you tomorrow.

Brett! Hey!

Hey babe. I have a present for you!
It's the Beaujolais Nouveau. Catch!


Don't worry. I have a case.

- Jessie, this is the last time, I swear.
- Yeah, I know. You always say that.

Well, this time I mean it.

Are you out of your mind?
Jessie, that's not funny!

- Touchy!
- Touchy! You could've killed us.

I know, you're so cute!

Yoo hoo! Waiter!
Another bottle of champagne!

- Who's paying for all this?
- Don't you just love Jessie?

I just met her and I already do.

Jessie, cut it out!

Jessie, Jessie... just stop it.

I love you.

You said the same thing
to the lead guitarist, you know.

- Did I?
- Yes. You did.

Jessie, cut it out. Some of us
have to work tomorrrow! Okay?

- It's four a.m.!
- Can you stay?

No! It is over! Really over.
Read my lips: we are finished!

- Just for that, I'm keeping the Beaujolais.
- Try not to drink it all tonight.

What an asshole!

- Good morning, Mr. Montgomery, sir.
- Good morning.

I'm afraid I have a problem. It happened
again. I loaned her some money.

- How much?
- Fifty dollars.

Thank you very much, Mr. Montgomery.
I'm sure Jessie'll straighten out.

- Mr. Montgomery, I'm so sorry.
- That's alright, Trini.

Go and wake Jess and tell her
to get downstairs right away.

- Nine hundred and eight dollars?
- I can explain it.

Alright. Go ahead.

Daddy, there were ten
poor people.

I met them in the street.
I took them dancing.

Boy, I thought if I gave you
everything you wanted,

it might make up for your mother's death.
But I succeeded in spoiling you.

Daddy, is it true Aunt Mildred's a lesbian?

- You are completely lacking in character.
- Yes, I know. I'm sorry.

- No you're not.
- No, I am! I am.

- Let's make up, shall we?
- It's not going to work this time, Jess.

You have to make something of yourself.
You're not a kid anymore.

I'm very disappointed in you.

Join the club.

I'm bored!

- Yeah?
- May I see some identification, please?


You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say may be used
against you in a court of law.

- Hands please.
- What?

No, Officer, you're making a
big mistake. See, I'm rich!

Would you mind not doing that?
I'm kinda bummed and I have a headache.

- What are you in for?
- I don't remember.


Oh, my poor father! When this hits
the papers... He's a philanthropist.

Is he servin' time too?

No. A philanthropist is...
never mind.

- So what are you in for?
- Jaywalking.

I'm sorry, Mr. Montgomery.

For what it's worth,
I think that deep down...

... way deep down, she's a good girl.

I never thought I'd hear myself
say something like this, Woodrow.

I wish I'd never had a daughter.

Another day,
another damsel in distress.

You're outta here.

Rise and shine, doll.

- Who are you?
- I'm your fairy godmother.

The nightmare continues.

Look, I didn't ask for this job, okay?
Let's just make the best of it.

I haven't worked in ages. Literally.

They wake me up this morning,

they say there's a problem
in Los Angeles, and you're it.

Are you from a drug
rehabilitation program?


At least you can tell me
where we're going.

You're getting out.
The charges have been dropped.

They have? I knew it!

Tell me, what?
Did Daddy grease a few palms?

Not exactly.

Hey. Where's my money? Where're my
credit cards? What's happening?

- I bruise easily, okay?
- You're a real peach, aren't ya?

Okay. There's good news and bad news.

- Which do you want first?
- The good news.

The good news is you have no criminal
record. Last night didn't happened.

Fabulous. And the bad news?

- Neither did the night before that.
- I don't like this. I wanna see my father.

Oh, you can't, you can't, you can't.

Well, that is, you can see him,
but he won't be your father.

What do you mean,
he won't be my father?

What I'm trying to tell you
is that, as of five minutes ago,

the old Jessie Montgomery
ceased to exist.

You're the same person
and yet... you never were.

- Where are my credit cards?
- You have no money.

You have no past, you
have no family, no friends.

You're, ah... you're
on your own now.

I don't know who you are,
but you are a major wacko.

My dad is gonna fix this.
I'm outta here. I'm history.

Precisely. Well, good luck!
You're gonna need it.

Damn it!

This is an absolute nightmare.

A nice hot bath,
that's what I need!

- Trini, it's me, open the door.
- And who are you?

- It's Jessie! Open the door!
- I don't know any Jessie.

God damn it!

Daddy! Daddy, I'm so glad to see you!
Listen, I can explain everything.

- Do you have any idea who this girl is?
- Excuse me. I think you made a mistake.

Yes, I know I made a mistake.
I made a lot of mistakes.

And I'm sorry for all of them, daddy!

- Look, I'm tryin' to be nice.
- See what she wants.

- Would you leave Mr. Montgomery alone.
- Hey!

- Be on your way!
- Woodrow, man. Come on!

Alright, look it's a great joke. It's really
funny. I've learned my lesson.

Daddy, I said I was sorry, dammit.
What, d'you want it in writing?

I'm hyperventilating!



Jimmy! Alright, Jimmy, Jimmy stay!
Stay, Jimmy!


Jimmy! Remember
puppy lessons!

I've got to get out of here!

- Freeze!
- Don't shoot!

Hold it right there! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Stop!

Halt! Immediately!

Hold it, right there!


Who in the hell is that?

I don't know. I've never seen
her before in my life.

Kimmy! Oh my God!

Oh, thank God! Kimmy, you're not going
to believe what I've been through!

Listen, can you advance me some bucks?

My dad is sorta pissed off at me,
and I'm kinda in deep shit...

- which is why I look so trashed out...
- Hey!

Get out of my car!
What is your problem?


Unbelievable! What nerve!
Watch the paint, sister!

- Kimmy!
- She scratched my car!


Daddy, I know you're really angry
with me and it's understandable.

But I have to tell you, I think
this has been a very cruel joke.

- Are you listening?
- Young lady, I don't have a daughter.

Hey, Jimmy. What've you got here?

Must belong to that poor girl.
I wonder who she is.

Hi! You look terrible.You really shouldn't
let yourself go like this, Jess.

Who or what are you?

You're a slow learner, aren't you kid?
Have you got a... damn!

- You're a witch!
- I'm perfectly harmless.

- That's what they said about asbestos!
- Jessica, I have to tell you something.

Youre a spoiled, silly, boring,
insignificant little twit.

Hey. Who are you calling boring?
Some fairy godmother you are!

I thought you guys were supposed to turn
maids into princesses and shit like that.

Some maids deserve to be princesses.

But some princesses deserve to be maids.


I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hey! Where are you going?

Wait up! What did you do
to my father anyway?

- Voodoo?
- He's under a spell.

- Is it a permanent situation?
- It is unless you clean up your act.

- Hey. My act is clean.
- Look at the life you live!

You don't even have
the sense to feel guilty.

Guilty? You want me
to feel guilty?

Look,you just turned my life into a
bad episode of the Twilight Zone.

Okay, I mean I am bummed!

No, I'm not! No, I'm guilty! I am!
I'm really guilty.

Please, wait. Help me!

I don't want to be poor, I don't want
to be boring. I don't want to be alone.

Help me, fairy godmother, please!


I've gotta stop with these cigarettes.
It's the strain of this job.

Where were we?

I think we're at "help me,
fairy godmother, please."

Right. Okay. Now, first of all,
call me Stella.

I really hate the fancy titles.

- Stella?
- You got a problem with that?

- No! I love it.
- Okay. Next, get a job.

- Then we'll talk.
- A job? What kind of job?

I mean, what kind of job,
fairy godmother? Help me!

Stella! Stella, wait!




Oh God! Stella, don't leave
me alone like this!


Sweetheart, there is no such thing
as a white maid in Los Angeles.

Bonus? How much would that be?

You are kidding me!

Would you take a light
skinned Chicana? Very light!

No, she can not learn English
by five o'clock. Okay, okay.

Just give me one hour before
you call anybody else.

I gotta get back to you, Louise.

- What can I do for you?
- I'm looking for a donut...

- I mean... a job.
- Take a load off, honey.

- I've never done this sort of thing before.
- What kind of thing?


Well, we're not exactly talking
brain surgery here.

No, of course not.
I faint at the sight of blood.

Yeah. Why don't we start at
the basics. Name?

- Jessica Montgomery.
- Okay. Address and phone?

Well, I'm sort of between
addresses right now.

I get the picture.

You need something quick,
preferably live-in.

I just happen to have a position

in one of the most beautiful
mansions in Malibu.

- What do I have to do?
- Nothing too taxing.

There's a full staff. A cook, chauffer...

Sounds perfect. When do I start?

- Today. You'll need a uniform.
- A uniform?

- Size ten, right?
- No. I think there's been some mistake.

Wait a second. Can we talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about.

I did not spend six years in
junior college to be a maid.

Lubrication... systems.


Oil pump... drain plug...
Ah! That's the baby.

Drain plug.

Okay, I can handle that.
No problem.

Goddam oil leak! Unbelievable!

What a life! Okay. Mr drain plug.

Prepare to die, you little sucker.

Ah, No! Dammit!

Unbelievable! Come on!

Gimme a break.

Are you alright?

- No problem.
- Well, as long as you're alright...

I hope I'm better than alright.
Can I help you?

No, you can't help me.
I have a meeting.

Excuse me. The servants' entrance
is right around this way.


Excuse me !

Excuse me.

Pardon! Pardonnez!

Lolos siento muchas dondes esta...


Darn piece of junk! I paid thirty
bucks for this. Who are you? The nurse?

I think I'm the new maid.

Mrs. Starkey?

Oh, Maria, I want you to take these little
soap slivers, run 'em under hot water.

Mash 'em into a lump... and voila.
New soap for the servants' quarters.

Now, everybody uses the
downstairs bathroom,

so, I think we should use
the best soap in there.

Now, in case they go upstairs,
I think maybe we should put...

George Sanq, maybe the Plaza. Thank you.

Okay. This is Jessie Montgomery,
from Celebrity.

Come in.

I understand that you used to
work for the countess Pagozzi.

I did? I did. I did. I worked for the
countess Lozzly for ages.

- She moved here in March.
- But we became close so quickly.

- Such a shame about her death. Tragic.
- Yeah. Yes.

- Especially in one so young?
- She was ninety three.

- At heart. She was young at heart.
- Yes, young at heart.

Well, I'll try you for one week.

Six days, Sundays off.

Hundred and forty dollars. Now go find Maria
and she'll show you to your room.

One forty!

- What's she like?
- She's white.

- Over sixty five?
- Under twenty five.

And pretty.

- You got the job.
- Pinch me I must be dreaming.

This is Audrey, our cook.
This is Jessie Montgomery.

- I'm charmed I'm sure.
- What kind of cooking do you do?

- California, Nouvelle, Cordon bleu?
- Home.

- Airball.
- Why don't you go check your room.

Third door on the left.
Down that hall.

- Hope you'll be real happy here.
- Later!

I give her twenty four hours, tops.

Sunny, I know how you feel and
I'm trying to do my best.

I swear it! It just isn't happening.

Of course I wanted to get you
that concert spot. Didn't happen.

Oh, while I got you on the phone...

You know those two weeks
in Vegas? Didn't happen.

No. Nothing's happening, Sunny. I'm sorry.
I busted my ass to try and get it for you.

Hey, it's about time you started living in
the real world, as well as the possible.

You want other representation?
You got it!

Hah! Are you kidding?
Yeah, I know you're only kidding. Okay.

It's just, Sunny, after all these years,

I don't like you walking on me with
those 'fuck you' shoes, okay?

'Course I love you. Bye.

He's dead. He just isn't happening.

You have to concentrate on
the new people, Stan.

What new people? All the good ones,

like Sting and Madonna, The Boss
- they have representation.

- I like that group Loaded Blanks.
- I don't...

After I couldn't get them that
"We are the World" gig, it's not happening.

Theat lead singer, Dude, star material.

- Maybe, with the proper exposure.
- Well, you can do that.

Sure! How?

How 'bout a charity gig?

That's it! A charity gig!

That's the big thing with selling
talent today! A charity gig.

- Now 'bout Africa?
- It's been done.

- Been done. How 'bout the seals?
- Done.

- Save the whales?
- Done.

Save something! There's gotta be something
in America. Moose! Sheep! Something!

Baby, can you help me?
Can you think of something?

Come on. Something with class.


That's my pussycat! I love ya!
I'm gonna go workout now.

And I'll be right back. Not bad, huh?
Another two weeks, I won't even need these.

Is Maria Mexican?

She's from El Salvador.
She's been here nine years.

Put another piece in your mouth,
and I'm coming after it.

- Have you always been a cook?
- Used to be a singer.

Then I had that elbow trouble,
ended my career.

- What kind of elbow trouble?
- I bent it too much.

Lorelei, Brie... either of you know a
band called Loaded Blanks?


What do you think of the
lead singer, Dude?

- He's crazy.
- No, he isn't.

A lot of people confuse
enthusiasm with craziness.

He's a major wacko. He throws
raw meat at the audience.

Well, I think he's gonna be a big star.

- What do you say makes a star, Stan?
- Pressure.

Being able to cope with pressure.
Wayne understands that.

So does Pia.

Do you know that Wayne
is a real human being?

That's because he does everything his way.

I thought Frank Sinatra did it his way.

Yeah, Frank Sinatra does
it his way, too, but, ah...

Wayne does it his way, too...

Those are nasty bandages, Mr. Starkey!
Were you in an accident?

- Who is this?
- That's the new maid.

- Get rid of her.
- Mr. Starkey, I just started!

I said get rid of her!

But Stan, she's white!

- I can't believe it, he fired me!
- In under an hour?

I was way off. What did you do?

- I asked him about the bandage.
- Bad move.

- Why? What happened to him?
- Hair transplant.

Your father knows so many famous people.
And your mother is so... so stylish!

They're both jerks.

The more I think about this
charity gig, the better I like it.

It's a great idea, Stan.


Every mover and shaker in Hollywood
comes to these things.

I bet I could net Dude an album,
and maybe a three picture deal.

Here baby. Come on.
It's from Europe.

Mr. Starkey, Steve on line 5,
Edie on 6.

- Oh, they're fighting again.
- Thanks, Nick.

Hey, have you had a chance
to listen to my tape yet?

Working on it, kid.

- Well, it's been three months.
- Just a question of time.

Well what should I do?
Should I grovel? Should I beg?

If you've got no place to go, you better
be ready to kiss ass and suck toes.

Oh, Mrs. Starkey, I'm so sorry,
I had no idea!

Never open your mouth unless
someone asks you a question.

- But Mrs. Starkey, I-I...
- Did I ask you a question?

No. Now, I have had a long
conversation with Mr Starkey

and, because of your exceptional

I have convinced him to give
you one more chance.

The tin foil! Get over here.

I can't believe you did that.

Big piece!

Look at all this! Look.
This is a huge piece!

Huge! I mean, do I have to take care
of all the details around here?

What does she do with the tin foil?

She sells it and gets ten cents a pound.

This woman needs professional help.
Well, I'm trashed out, I'm crashing.

Not yet you aren't. I'm the cook.
You're the maid. You clean up.

Your kidding.

- Jessie, open the door! Get out here!
- Jesus Christ! What is this, a fire drill?

What is your problem?
It's seven o'clock in the morning!

What exactly did you put
in my dishwasher?

Why do you ask?


Oh no.




Hold... hold it!
Hold it.

What have you done to my wrinkled suit?

I pressed it.

I know, but you're not supposed
to press it. It's a wrinkled suit.

I bought it wrinkled.
It's a Giorgio Armano wrinkled.

Wrinkles are in!
It's the '80s, kiddo. Wake up!

I can't believe this!
My Giorgio Armano! Pressed!

Jessie, I'll kill you!

- Maria.
- What is it?

Can I borrow some jeans
and a t-shirt?

I want to wash my uniform and
I don't have anything to wear.


How are you doing this morning?

I think I got off on the wrong
foot with Maria.

- No shit, Sherlock.
- I don't know how to talk to maids.

I know how you feel. Why'nt try to
move into my neighborhood.

Audrey, can you show me how
to use the washing machine?

What are you, anyway?
Some kind of reporter or something?

- You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
- Try me.

I grew up in Beverly Hills,
in a house as big as this one.

I was rich. Then one day,
my fairy godmother appeared.

and poof... she took it all away.

Right. Come on, I don't want to
end up with a cascade in my Maytag.

- What're you doing here?
- I swim here every night.

- Well, back off!
- Alright.

- Where are you going?
- I'm getting out.

I don't usually swim naked with
women I don't know.

- I'm Jessie Montgomery.
- Nick McGuire.

- You're the new maid.
- No. I'm not a maid.

- Not really.
- So I heard.

- So you're the chauffer?
- And the mechanic.

- Actually, I'm not really a mechanic.
- Yes, so I heard.

- No!
- No, what?

You don't have any clothes on.

- So?
- So.


- So, what're we gonna do?
- I'll tell you what.

Let's shoot for it. Odds, I go out first.

Evens, you go out first. On four, right?

- 1, 2...
- You go out first!




I really like this floor to shine,
I mean really shine.

Now to get it clean, completely clean,

it is necessary to get down
on your hands and knees,

and scrub every little square
inch by hand.

No mop. Any questions?

- When's lunch?
- There is no lunch until the work is done.

You know Oscar, there is a certain
satisfaction in a job well done.

Marvellous ride! Simply marvellous!

Oh, you're kidding.

Oh, God.

Where is it... I want to go home!

- Charles Montgomery and Miss Winston.
- Right this way, please.


Mr. Starkey, the people from the
Starlight Foundation are here.

- Hi. Stanley Starkey here.
- Charles Montgomery.

- Stella Winston, Starlight Foundation.
- Georgette.

- Hello.
- Hello, Georgette. How are you?

- Well, come. Sit down, pick a couch.
- Oh, thank you, after you.


From Europe.




Your house is... remarkable.

Well, I had a decorator, but I helped.

Chuck? I suppose you're wondering
why we asked you two over.

It's Charles and, yes, the
thought did pass my mind.

Well you see Chuck, as you can see,
Georgette and I have been blessed.

And, well, we feel a little guilty.

I mean, there are children in China
who are starving, and here we are.

It's uncomfortable. We haven't even been to
a chinese restaurant in over a month.

- You know what I mean?
- What I think Stan is trying to say

is that, well, being of a certain social
and financial level of the community

umm, we'd like to share some
of what we have with others.

So you thought of the
Starlight foundation?


- Please let me take it in Maria, please!
- She told me to do it.

What difference does it make?

The difference is, if you screw up,
my ass is grass. And she's the lawnmower.

I won't screw up. I promise.

As you may or may not know,
the Starlight Foundation has granted

over two thousand wishes to sick children.

That's sweet.
Listen: I handle a lot of big names.

There's a new group - Loaded Blanks.

They have a lead singer, Dude.
He is happening.

Very happening.

We can arrange a benefit for
the Foundation, featuring Dude,

and hold the dam thing right
here in our own home.

- Wieney?
- Ah. No. Thanks.

- What kind of fee would that involve?
- No fee.

The talent will perform free of charge.

There'll be no financial gain for
Starkey Management.

- We just love charity.
- Yes, it's second nature to us.

So if you could give us the say-so
to use Starlight Foundation...

For the benefit of Starlight Foundation.



Oh. Ah. You'll have to
excuse Jessie.

She's part of a reverse
affirmative action program.

I think I should put some water on this.
Could you tell me where the, ah...

Second door on the left.

So difficult to find good
white help these days.

Oh! You must try this mustard.

It's from Spain, very hot.

So, did you move into
my house now, too?

- Quiet, Jessie!
- Some fairy godmother you are!

You're more like a wicked step-mother
who brain-washed him.

I have done no such thing.

I don't make the wishes.
I just carry them out.

- What're you talking about?
- I follow orders.

His wish was granted.
It's as simple as that.

You're talking nonsense again!
I don't believe in you, there's no magic!

This is some elaborate setup you came
up with to get me out of the picture,

so you could get your hands
on his money. My money!

Where I come from, we don't use money.
We don't use people, either.

You're wrong, Jessie. There is magic.

Prove it. You told me to get a job.
I got one, now send me home.

I can't. You haven't earned it.

I've cleaned this house
from top to bottom.

Big deal!

You're even lousy at that.

Has anyone ever told you, that a job
worth doing is worth doing well?

I can see you haven't spent much
time as a washroom attendant.

- You're hopeless.
- And you're no Easter basket yourself.

I'm trying to help you, Jessie!

Some help you are!

Look, I wish you'd just cast your broomstick
right out of my life out of my life.

Careful, careful now. I can grant that wish.

- Go ahead.
- Alright.

If that's what you really want, I'm not
your fairy godmother anymore.

- You'll never see me again.
- Good.

- You're on your own.
- My heart is broken.

We'll have to keep a tight reign on revenues
and expenditures, you understand.

- Oh, I can do that.
- She's very good at math.

Oh, that's fine. Takes care of it.
Stella, can I drop you somewhere?

- Yes, please.
- Mr. Montgomery!

Mr. Montgomery!

What's the matter with that girl,
is she choking on something?

Let's hope it's her pride.

- I beg your pardon?
- Nothing, Charles. C'mon, let's boogie.

Well shouldn't we...

No, no, she's fine. She just
hates to see company leave.

Does it every time.
Whenever the guests leave.

- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.

- Have a nice trip. Drive careful.
- Carefully.

Jessie, what is your problem?

I don't like charades, and
certainly not with the help.

Are you studying mime, dear?

Dad! Dad! Dad!


- What strange behavior.
- Daddy's gone away! Come back!

Come back!

Come back!

Oh god, he's gone! I think I just
made the biggest mistake of my life!

Actually, I think the evening
went very well, don't you?

I think so too. They seem
like a very nice couple.

Oh, but she has no taste in
dressing, at all.

I know. And his clothes,
those three button vests!

- It's definitely not today's man.
- Maybe we can help them.

I think so. He needs a
little more shoulder.


Looks like little Miss Thing
will soon be history.

I think little Miss Thing
probably broke a fingernail.

Thank you.

You said one forty.

Well, I had to take thirty
dollars off for the curtains

and fifty for the vacuum
cleaner. Didn't I?

- Here.
- No, it's okay. I can manage.

No, it's okay. You can pay
me back next week.

It's alright.

Okay, a hundred pounds. That's five bucks.

Okay! Hurry. Come, come.

Oh, look at you! Come on, Nick,
we'll be late for the plane.

Brie! Shake it!

Nick, just think! Five dollars this month!

I hate Las Vegas.

- I don't think she has anyhere to go.
- It's no wonder.

- I'm asking her.
- If she's coming, I'm not.

She ruined my whole week.
I'm not letting her ruin my day off.

Listen, on Sunday, we have
a big dinner at my house.

If you're not too busy,
I thought maybe you'd like...

No, thanks. I have other plans.

Well, I left instructions on how to get
to my house, on the dresser.

- If case you change your mind. Okay?
- Okay.

♪ There was a time,
I thought I had everything ♪

♪ Happily blind I did nothing but play ♪

♪ Now everything's changed,
the world feels cold and strange ♪

♪ And nothing seems
the way it used to be ♪

♪ I'm on my own now ♪

♪ I'm on my own now ♪

♪ All the best of best friends have
gone on their seperate ways ♪

♪ But this road never ends
leading farther from home ♪

♪ There's nothing to lose,
I've got to shake these blues ♪

♪ What's the worst that
could happen now ♪

♪ I'm on my own now ♪

♪ I'm on my own now ♪

♪ I'm on my own now ♪

So the whole sixty voice choir said,

"Crrunch!" And the face scan. And your
grandfather said: "you and you, out!"

And threw us out of the church.
Out of the church, he threw us.

Hey Momma! Look what I found.

- Hi!
- Jessie, come on in!

- Maria, look who's here.
- Shit!

Jessie, this is my dad, Johnny James.

Dad, this is Jessie, she works
at the house with us.

- I'm Sam.
- Hi.

And this is Janine, my oldest.
And Tiffany. My boy, Jomo.

- This is for you.
- Thank you, Jessie.

Look at that... Just what I need.
A Walkman.

No... yours is the other one.
I'm sorry, Maria...

- You didn't have to do this.
- Yeah, I did.

We're glad you could make it, Jessie.

Anyone's welcome who
can peel a potato.

Don't worry.
I'll talk you through it.

- It's delicious.
- Thank you.

Pass the gravy.

Mr James, Audrey says she...

Everybody calls me Slide, Jessie.

Oh. Slide, Audrey says
she used to be a singer.

One of the best. She started
singing in the church.

Anything Audrey put her voice to
came out sweet as honey.

Now you got him started,
you gonna regret it.

She had everything.
The looks, the moves, the talent.

No-one cared what you did yesterday,

all they care about is what
you doing today.

And today it's time to do the dishes.

Maybe we should talk about
something else.

- Why don't you add some ice cream to it?
- It's better this way.

Hey wait a minute. That's mine!
I don't want chocolate... It's not yours!

- Janine, we've got to go.
- Now?

- Now you take good care of my baby.
- I will, momma.

- What'd you hear about the tuition at UFC?
- They went up again.

Well, I'll try to think of something
on the way home.

Good-bye daddy. I love you!

You kids walk your mother to the car.

- Good night, Slide. Thank you.
- Good night. It's a pleasure.

Jessie, I want to show you something.

- Audrey?
- Yeah. The fat one.

She's lost a little weight
since then. Lead singer.

Don't you tell her I showed you.
I'm taking my life in my own hands.

Well, I wanted you to know

that the woman you're working with

once really was somebody.

She still is.

Good-bye !

Nick always picks us up on Sundays.
The bus ride takes two hours.

- How was it?
- I missed you baby.

Next time.

What you doing? Where's Audrey?

Um. She's sleeping in.
I want you to try something.


- How is it?
- Good.


- GHey. You're Dude, right?
- Yeah, that's right.

Caught your show at the Roxy last month.
I almost got hit by some meat.

Where's Starkey? And who are you?

Downstairs. I'm Nick. I'm the chauffeur.

Actually, I write songs.

As a matter of fact,
I got this ballad.

It's got a real hooky chorus,
bridge that won't...

Look man, I'm not into submissions, alright.
If I let you give me something,

my lawyers have to stamp it
and send it back,

with a letter that says I never
heard it anyway. See?

- Right.
- Dude! Good hair, baby.

- Dude, cut the fear.
- Hi, Dude!

- So how's the gig shaping up?
- Sterling's coming.

- Capitol Records Sterling?
- And that's just the beginning!

We've got the heads of four
studios, actors, agents.

It's gonna be something really big.
Forget about Africa!

Forget about Ethiopia and the seals, hah!
We got the Starlight Foundation, my boy!

And you are going to be the
Cabbage Patch Doll of rock'n'roll!

It makes me feel real good doing
something for others, you know?

- Especially when it helps my career.
- Rock and roll!

Dude, It's so nice to see somebody
who knows how to dress for a change.

Now tell me, where do you shop?

- Jessie, can I help?
- It's all done.

What's the matter with you
anyway? You been born again?

Anyone can change.

That was pretty. What was it?

- I was just fooling around.
- Play me something you wrote.

- No.
- Why not?

- You're not interested.
- Says who?

- Do you know any of Audrey's old songs?
- Sure. You remember this.

Hey Audrey. Come on in.
Sing something for Jessie.

Look, I'm the cook, guys.

I drive cars, she cleans floors.
Who cares?

You're never gonna get a classier audience
than this one, right here.

Okay, you put your ass on the line, McGuire!

- Alright.
- Let's do one of yours.

- Which one?
- The good one.

- B-flat?
- Is there any other key?

♪ I've loved good and I've loved hard ♪

♪ Better days I've never seen ♪

♪ I've made some wrong and
some right moves ♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ just like you, I've been waiting ♪

♪ for the right one to come through ♪

♪ Love is hard to find ♪

♪ And, though I've been hurt
some time ♪

♪ I can still shine ♪

♪ I can still shine ♪

♪ Yesterdays mistakes are
all in the past ♪

♪ I was living too fast ♪

♪ Sometimes I fell, and no-one cared ♪

♪ But who said life was fair? ♪

♪ So, when things get rough ♪

♪ I find piece of mind,
I give it one more try ♪

♪ And I shine! ♪

♪ I can still shine ♪

♪ I can still, you know it ♪

♪ I've got it, you know it ♪

♪ I can still shine ♪

♪ Like the sun in the morning ♪

♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna shine ♪

♪ I can still shine ♪

That was great!


- I think it's time to say good night, Maria.
- "Good Night, Maria."

- So you want to go for a drive?
- Yeah.

- You're not from LA, are you?
- Buffalo. What about you?

I don't want to talk about it. It's... very strange.

Yeah, my family's pretty weird too.

- What's your real story?
- I'm an heiress.

No, actually, this is the only
job I could get.

Come on!

- No, I'm not good for much. Really.
- I think you're wonderful.

So where're you taking me?

Out for the best meal of your entire life.

My friend, good luck!

Did you know there a more tortillas

made every day in Los Angeles

than in all of Mexico?

No, I didn't know that.

Do you want to hear the
complete history of the tortilla?



It's the best meal of my entire life.

We have the individual napkin
rings with a single rose

and the black urns with tropical flowers.

But those black urns are two
hundred dollars apiece!

For quality, you pay, Mrs. Starkey.

Yes, but you see, every
dollar that we spend,

that's one less dollar for
Starlight Foundation.

Now as much as I would love
for everybody

to think what beautiful
work you do,

I'm afraid we'll have to stick
with the carnations.

I have my reputation to consider.

If someone dies,
I will handle carnations.

Funerals only for carnations.

Well, however. If you could see
your way into donating the urns,

I'll bet you I could get your
name on the invitation.

See if they'll wait another
couple of weeks.

Well, why won't they?

Janine, I'm doing everything I can.

Stall, honey.

And go talk to the lady in
financial aid again.

- Right, honey? Bye.
- Janine's tuition?

- Yeah.
- I got a couple hundred saved up.

That's real sweet, Jessie,
but I need at least ten thousand.

Stan, are you sure I shouldn't
put a bow in my hair?

No, no no, it's fine.

Remember, less is more.
Besides, it's only a wiener roast.

Yeah, but it'd add a little color...

No, no no, remember they said
the dress is casual. It's casual.

There's no sense in
gilding the lily, baby.

The last thing we want to do is
attract too much attention.

We're going to a movie.
Do you want to come?

No. But thanks anyway.

What about you, Nick?

No, I think I'll just curl up
with a book or something.

Flowers? What a twit!

Relax. You're very tense.

I'll just be glad when this
Starlight thing is over with.

You did an incredible job, Georgette.
I don't know what I'd do without you.

I don't deserve to cut your toenails.

Although it was the highlight
of my breakfast.

Here we are, Mr. Montgomery.
You have a nice time.

See you in a couple of hours.

- The keys, please. I'll park it.
- No, no sugar. I'll keep these.


Those three over there?

Harvey Bestman from Universal,
George Serling - Capital Records

and Alicia Nolan from CAA.

Those three can make or break
Dude and I overnight. Shall we?


- Harvey.
- Stan.


George. I'm Stan Starkey.

And this is my wife, Georgette.

You're going to have wonderful entertainment
tonight, thanks to Starlight Foundation.

Yes, well I certainly hope it's better than
the last time I saw Loaded Blanks.

They threw raw meat at
the audience, you know.

You're kidding.

Oh, that's right. You are a
vegetarian, aren't you?

Did he say 'meat, raw meat'?

Of course, the entertainment's
just the icing on the cake.

We're here for the
Starlight Foundation.

Raw meat...

- Well. What do you suggest?
- Excuse me?

- The shrimp or caviar?
- They're both good, Mr. Montgomery.

Now you're the... I'm sorry,
I don't remember your name.

- Jessica.
- Jessica.

- Charles!
- Stella!

- How's it going?
- I can't complain.

Looks like a great night for
Starlight Foundation.

I have to admit, that Tuesday
board meeting was a bit of a snooze.

Well, shall we, er, mingle?

Well. Thanks.

- Isn't it beautiful?
- When does the music start?

Soon, I hope.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

What is Starlight Foundation

It's a charity that grant
children's wishes.

- Maybe I could apply.
- What do you want?

Oh, nothing, I make enough here to send
money to my family in El Salvador.

I'm okay.

Yeah, but if you could have one wish.
What would you wish for?

Somebody to clean the kitchen
after the party.

- No. I'm serious.
- So am I.

- What about you, Audrey?
- Janine's tuition.

- What about you? What would you wish for?
- Well, right now I guess...

... I wish I could get all these
people to listen to my music.

- What about you?
- I'd wish...

I wish that all your wishes come true.

Okay, okay. Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen...

We have a show that's about
to start... Unbelievable show!

We've got one of the greatest...
Excuse me one second please.

Dude. Where is Dude?

No, no luv. You don't understand,
I am an artist,

a pioneer, a rebel. I'm changing
the face of music as we know it.

I guess you could say I'm the
Jesse James of rock'n'roll...

Put him down here. Easy, easy.

What happened?

He was telling me how he's
the Jesse James of rock'n'roll.

And then, right in the middle of a sentence,
bump, a coconut fell on his head.

A coconut fell on his head?

- Can you believe this mess?
- It's going to take a week to clean it.

Audrey, my father needs help, quick.
There's something wrong with Dude.

Come On, Dude! Good boy!
Come on, Dude. Wake up!

Come on, boy! Come on boy.
I said get up!

What the hell's he got on board?
Animal tranks?

No man. It's not drugs.
He got hit by a coconut.

Dude, Dude. Wake up Dude! Come on!

You crazy, stinkin'... Wake up!

- Dude, Dude. Are you alright?
- Dude? Who's Dude?

- I'm Irwin Razelhoff.
- He's got amnesia!

No. He is Irwin Razelhoff.
At least he was, before he was Dude.

Listen to me. There are four hundred
people out there, come to see you.

- Do you remember the words to the songs?
- What songs?

- Somebody call a doctor!
- No, No! We don't have time!

Hey! You guys! You guys
gotta go on without him.

Hey, Dude's the singer, man.
We're just the backup band.

Backup band?

Mr. Starkey, Audrey can sing.

- Audrey? Who's Audrey?
- Hold on a second!

Hey! You're Audrey James.
I grew up on your music.

You're Audrey James?

Sorry for the delay
ladies and gentlemen,

but there's been a slight
change in the program.

I know how you feel. I know how
you feel, but we're ready to go.

I think...

Here. Put this on.

And here she is,

Miss Audrey James

and the Loaded Blanks! Come on!

♪ Does he love me? I want to know ♪

♪ How can I tell if he loves me so ♪

♪ Is it in his eyes?
Oh no, you'll be deceived ♪

♪ Is it in his eyes, oh no,
you'll make believe ♪

♪ If you want to know, if he loves you so ♪

♪ It's in his kiss ♪

♪ Why don't you kiss him,
squeeze him tight ♪

♪ And find out what you want to know ♪

♪ If it's love, like it should be ♪

♪ It's there in his kiss ♪

♪ About the way he acts
Oh no that's not the way ♪

♪ And you're not listening
to a word I say ♪

♪ If you want to know
if he loves you so ♪

♪ It's in his kiss ♪

♪ In his kiss ♪

♪ Why don't you kiss him,
squeeze him tight ♪

♪ find out what you want to know ♪

♪ If it's love like it really is ♪

♪ it's there in his kiss ♪

♪ How 'bout the way he acts,
oh no that's not the way ♪

♪ And you're not listening
to a word I say ♪

♪ If you want to know,
if he loves you so ♪

♪ It's in his kiss,
that's where it is ♪

♪ It's in his kiss,
that's where it is ♪

♪ It's in his kiss,
that's where it is ♪

♪ It's in his mmuh,
that's where it is ♪

♪ It's in his kiss,
that's where it is ♪

♪ It's in his kiss,
that's where it is ♪

Bravo, Audrey!

Thank you!

I'd like to sing a little song

and I need your help, it's a lovely little
ballad written by a friend of mine.


♪ I've loved good and I've loved hard ♪

♪ Better days I've never seen ♪

♪ I've made some wrong and
some right moves ♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ just like you, I've been waiting ♪

♪ for the right one to come through ♪

♪ Love is hard to find ♪

♪ And, though I've been hurt
some time ♪

♪ I can still shine ♪

♪ I can still shine ♪

♪ Yesterdays mistakes are
all in the past ♪

♪ I was living too fast ♪

♪ Sometimes I fell,
and no-one cared ♪

- Mr. and Mrs. Starkey.
- Look who's here!

I'm very proud of you. It's a
wonderful night for the Foundation.

Listen. I been meaning to
talk to you about that.

There's been a slight error
in the figures.

We spent a hundred dollars
a head, not two.

which means,
with our personal donation,

there'll be another forty thousand
dollars for the Starlight Foundation.

- Right baby?
- That's wonderful. Thanks.

It's the least we can do.
Excuse me for a minute.

Your husband's a lucky man.

Good night.

First thing Monday morning we start
working on the record contract.

Miss James, I want to give you
my personal check.

As a bond between us tonight. From
now on you'll be working for Capital.

Capital Records?


You're both going to be very big.
Very big.

- See you Monday.
- Thank you.

Ten thousand dollars!

- Let me see.
- Isn't it great?

The only way I am going to be big
is if I eat another one of these.

- I'm going to go clean up.
- I'm with you.

- I'll help.
- I'll just go call Janine first.

Madre de Dios!

Stan, fabulous gig. Just fabulous.
Let's do lunch.

- Fantastic, call me.
- Sushi.


Stan, why don't we have
lunch on Monday.

Lunch on Monday, Monday Monday...
I'm busy Monday.

But call me in about a week.
What is your name?


Harvey, of course. Make it three weeks.
Good to see you, Harvey.

Hi, doll.

Could you step outside
with me for a moment?

- You want to talk to me?
- Just a moment.

Come on, Jess.

Alright, but only if you promise
you won't do anything funny

like turn me into a frog.

I have to get moving on. I have to go to
some place called Grand Rapids, Michigan.

- I hate the cold.
- So am I your first failure?

- I wouldn't say that.
- Did you enjoy the party, Miss Montgomery?

- Woodrow?
- Yeah.

You know me?

Know you? I've been knowing you
since you was that high, girl.

Can I have your ticket, please?

Jessie. Honey, I'm a little tired.
I'm gonna go home now.

If you want to stay, I'll have Woodrow
come back with the car.

- Car?
- Take you home.

- Home?
- Home.

- Daddy, I love you so much!
- I love you too, sugar.

And listen, don't stay up too late, alright?

And if that attractive
friend of yours is single,

bring her by for dinner, okay? Okay.

I can't keep up with your outfits,
honey. Good night.

Good night, daddy.

Stella, you're not gonna want my first
born child, or anything like that, are you?

Don't be absurd! We don't do that!

For everything. Thanks.

Don't get mushy.

Thanks. Good night.

- Will I ever see you again?
- Not if you play your cards right.

I sort of thought you were gonna go off
in a bubble or something like that.

Get real! This is the twentieth century.

Hey, where you been?
I've been looking for you everywhere.

Transcript by rabbit_01

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