Magic Mike XXL (2015) - full transcript
Three years after Mike bowed out of the stripper life at the top of his game, he and the remaining Kings of Tampa hit the road to Myrtle Beach to put on one last blow-out performance.
- Yo, let's go.
- Yup.
We have got to get a retail space.
I'm so over these contractors
nickel-and-diming our margins all day.
I hear you, man.
- Watch the mirror.
- Yep.
That's it.
Come on, man.
VOICEMAlL: Hey, pal, it's Tarzan.
Found your number on Google.
Hope it's the right one.
Look, I know it's been a while...
but since we're coming up through Tampa,
I figured you'd want to know.
I got some real bad news about Dallas.
He's gone, bro.
- Can I help you?
- Hi. I'm here for the wake.
There's no wake here.
Okay. Sorry. I think I actually hear it.
Come on, baby! Woo-hoo!
Holy shit, what the fuck
are you doing here?
- You dropped your towel.
- Yeah, just go with it, baby.
- Hey, fellas! Catch and release!
- No, no, no!
Nice entrance.
Hey, what's with this fucking suit, bro?
Well, I don't know.
Somebody told me this was a wake.
A wake?
Yeah, Dallas. He's not dead?
You told him he was dead?
We were going to invite you, but...
we had a couple drinks and were like,
"He's got the girl and the job, and...
he's not going to come
unless we really get his attention."
Okay, if he's not dead,
then where is he?
He fucking bailed on us.
He took the Kid.
Started a new show overseas.
- Wow. Where?
- Macaw.
Macau.
Fucking China. Some d-bag investor offered
Dallas a whole bunch of money...
Don't say his name, man.
Don't give it that power.
I can say his name.
He's not fucking Voldemort.
First time you backflipped off
that balcony in the middle of the night.
I was thinking about doing it again
and then I punked out.
Yeah, liquid acid. That'll take you back
to the original self.
No, fuck that shit. I woke up
under a car in the parking lot.
White Shadow, meet Mikey.
- Mikey Lane, White Shadow.
- Yeah, we've met.
I think she likes you, Mike.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, yeah, she definitely likes you.
Jesus fuck.
You look good, Mike.
How's everything going, man?
Heh. Things are good, man. Really good.
The business is crushing it.
We got so many orders,
I don't have enough employees.
Uh... I don't know.
We're about to expand and get a retail spot.
- That's nice, man.
- Yeah, dude, I'm just...
happy to be running
my own show for once.
- I bet.
- Feel that one.
- How's the old girl?
- She's good, man. Yeah, I mean...
You guys still haven't told me
what the fuck y'all are doing in Tampa.
Today, you are looking at it, brother.
Just basking in the glory
of our good fortune.
But tomorrow we start the pilgrimage
to Myrtle Beach for the convention.
- Oh, that's right.
- One last fucking ride, baby.
How's that work without Dallas?
Well, you see...
Tobias is going to M.C.
"All right, all right, all right!
How y'all ladies doing here tonight?"
Heh-heh.
That's totally going to work.
Do it just like that.
We got a couple days
to perfect that. Uh...
The point is, we still got two freak shows,
one who can barely dance.
One person of color?
I think you mean two.
You're fucking Algerian, bro.
- Armenian, asshole.
- Oh, yeah, Armenian.
One snowy white Ken doll
for all those good little Christian women.
Present.
What the fuck more do you need? Right?
- Seize the day. Am I right?
- Yeah!
I'm goddamned if I'll let my last memory
of this business be getting laid off.
If I'm going down, I'm going down
in a fucking tsunami of dollar bills!
- Can I get an "Amen"?
- Amen, brother!
Make it rain! Amen!
All right, let's cut this,
then sand it and stain it.
Hey, Mike, any word
on that thing we talked about?
Uh...
Yeah. Yes, uh, is the answer, but...
it just can't be right now.
We need a couple more reliable accounts
before I can get a policy for you.
All right?
Yo, get outta here. Go have dinner
with your family. I can do this.
- No, man. It's no problem.
- Come on, it's fine. Seriously.
- Yeah?
- I got it. Go home.
Thanks, brother.
You're listening to the Golden Age
of Hip-Hop. Only on Spotify.
I'm just a bachelor
Looking for a partner
Someone who knows how to ride
Without even falling off
Gotta be compatible
Takes me to my limits
Girl, when I break you off
I promise that you won't want to get off
If you're horny, let's do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
If you're horny, let's do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
Sitting here flossing
Peeping your steelo
Just once if I have the chance
The things I will do to you...
- Pack the pump?
- I brought one for you too.
- That's got the brace.
- You got the knee brace in there. Copy.
Ken, you got that Endless Summer
Spray Tan Mix?
You know I do, brother.
First thing I packed.
Y'all got room for one more
on this motherfucker?
What? Ha-ha.
What in the hell are you doing here?
What do you think? You said,
"Seize the day." I ain't missing this shit.
You got off work?
CEO of my own company.
I take vacations when I want them.
Wait, your girl gave you a hall pass?
I don't need a hall pass, just somebody
to tell me this isn't a terrible idea.
Oh. This is a horrible idea.
But you can't take it back now.
So get the fuck on the van. Let's go!
Yeah! This is like when Justin
came back to Backstreet.
You kidding me?
Justin was in 'N Sync. Kevin Richardson
came back to Backstreet in 2012.
Get your Orlando history straight.
I'm not from Orlando.
I don't give a shit.
You know who does?
People who actually have musical taste.
Backstreet was the only legitimate boy band
that ever came out of Florida, period.
And that conversation just happened.
Welcome back, Mike!
Welcome back, brother.
Hey, Mikey!
What do you think of the truck, bro?
This thing's fucking crazy.
Right? My buddy Martin hooked me up
with his uncle's old roach coach.
Then I got Tarzan to paint it up
all sick Picasso style.
Yeah, I'm mostly
an oil-on-canvas guy, but...
- ...I did the best I could.
- Ha-ha-ha.
What exactly
are you doing out of it, though?
I'm making artisanal probiotic froyo.
I serve it out of this side.
Tobias spins out of the other.
The whole thing's like a healthy,
mobile block party.
It's crazy, right? We'll keep your feet loose
and satisfy your sweet tooth.
That's actually a pretty good idea.
Yeah. Appreciate that, Mike.
Good show.
Is this, uh, how the whole trip
is going to be?
You'll be on this thing the whole time?
Are you kidding?
Relax. A bunch of orders just came in.
The guys in the shop are freaking out.
If you're gonna be here, be here.
Be present.
Okay, I'll be present.
What are you even doing?
Narcissus is taking pics
of his eyebrows.
You zoom in, you find the shit
you can't catch in the mirror.
See? I need a tweeze right there.
Shit works.
Mike, come on, man.
All right! Relax.
Yo.
All right, that's it.
- Yo! What the fuck are you doing?
- iPhone went "Bye, phone!"
Are you serious?
- Buy another one, you rich motherfucker.
- Turn the truck around.
- How do you like that, bitch?
- Oh, I welcome it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- That wasn't my phone.
- It was mine.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Fuck, I'm sorry. Fuck!
I only had seven minutes left on it, man.
Here. Have a shake.
I don't want a fucking shake.
What am I supposed to do? I should
chuck your big ass right off this truck.
That's the Mikey I remember!
If you ain't ready to bring it
old school this weekend...
you need to hop up
off this truck right now.
What are you talking about?
Why do you think I came?
I don't know, man.
It's been a long time.
But I do know this. You better be ready
to follow my ass down the rabbit hole.
I'm talking out of body, baby.
Astral projection!
Tobias, we're going to Mad Mary's.
- Hell, yeah!
- Oh, shit.
Nobody messes with the mojo
on the last ride, brother.
Hot, hot, hot, hot
Hot, hot, hot
Hey, you guys remember the last time
we were in this club...
and you and Ken were fucking
with those two girls from the club?
What was the girl
with the black hair's name?
I don't know.
How am I supposed to remember that?
You don't fucking remember that.
Come on.
Man, you are fucking dusty. Julie.
Julie, man! The barely legal paralegal.
- Here we go.
- It's getting late.
Hot stuff
Bonjour, lovelies.
How are all y'all nasty motherfuckers
doing out there tonight?
Doing great, yeah!
That's the ticket, Miss Thing.
Now, I am Miss Tori Snatch...
your host for this glamorous evening
of good old swamp country debauchery.
And I've got some good news...
for some of y'all budding queens
hiding out there in the shadows.
I've got four...
crumpled-up, coke-dusted $100 bills...
for the best amateur queen
here in Jacksonville!
Yes. So let's get some Vogue popping
in this bitch, shall we?
Come on now. Young and old,
hot and cold, get your ass on this stage.
Go, go, go.
You guys really want
to go down the rabbit hole?
- So you were listening.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go dig it for you, Alice.
Let's see how far you're really willing to go.
All right? Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- Mikey.
- Oh, it's on.
That's the plan.
Take over South Beach,
then the entire East Coast.
Fucking mobile. You know,
low overhead, high-revenue shit.
That's how you get flush
in the food industry.
- What is this? It's really good.
- Goddamn right, what is this! Jeez!
- What am I eating right now?
- You like that, Mike?
- That's gold, right?
- This is amazing!
That's toasted marshmallow tangerine.
Whatever it is, it's fabulous.
Put marshmallow in my pants right now.
- You gotta sell this.
- Tip of the iceberg, baby. We got...
kiwi olive oil with freeze-dried basil,
Crème Brûlée.
And my personal favorite,
the flavor of truth.
Come on, you've been talking
about this shit forever.
Tell everybody what you're really
gonna be doing come Monday morning.
Grinding those snow cones
at the Northdale Mall.
Yeah, well,
that's just market research, bitch.
Until we get the funds
to do what we really need.
That's all it is, bro. Fucking hater.
Besides, I think it beats
raking the infield at Tropicana.
Well, at least the shit I'm working on
can go global.
- Wait, what? I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah.
Why don't you enlighten us,
Constant Gardener?
Yeah, please enlighten me.
I have to know what this piece of genius is.
ShamWow us with your genius invention.
Come on, Richie. Tito laid his shit out.
Everybody's cool. Just tell us.
It's us, bro.
- Just tell us.
- Come on, let's go, come on!
All right. But if any of you motherfuckers
steals my idea, I swear to God I will...
Why you got to point at the Mexican
when you say "steals"?
- We get it. Just go.
- Let's have it, tough guy.
Condomints.
What are the two most important things
you need to take...
when you go out on the weekend?
Ketchup and mustard?
Your condoms...
- ...and your mints.
- What?
I put them together in one package,
like a pack of gum. Sell it at a gas station.
"Condomints."
- It's not bad.
- Boom!
Um, they already have that shit, bitch.
- You can get it...
- Ha-ha-ha!
I get it all the time at the minimart.
I'm sorry.
They're at every single Circle K
and 7-Eleven across Florida.
I'm so sorry, man.
- They didn't sign the nondisclosure.
- Sorry about it.
Hey, Richie, don't worry about it.
I got something for you, top secret.
Imagine this. A small, little rectangle.
You hold it up to your ear,
you speak into it...
somebody in a distant land
with the exact same thing can hear it.
I haven't come up with a name for it.
I figure...
- Fuck you.
- I'm so sorry, man.
Oh, God.
Hey, I forgot to ask,
you still with Mercedes?
No. We agreed to try monogamy and...
you know Mercedes.
That shit lasted for about two seconds.
That fucking sucks. I'm sorry.
It's like Oprah said: "When someone
shows you themselves, believe them."
What? Really?
- Are we doing this passive-aggressive shit?
- That's what she said.
- That's not passive-aggressive.
- Let's make it aggressive.
How about this? Let's do a little therapy
session. Old-school therapy session.
- Get up. We'll get this out in one swing.
- Are we fucking primates now?
One hit and let's not talk about it anymore.
I get it. You're mad that I left.
- Come on! Just don't hit me in the nuts.
- Stupid.
- Are you kidding? Stop being a pussy.
- You happy?
Stop being a pussy. Let's go.
- Don't call me a pussy, Christian Bale.
- He didn't.
He just said you exhibited
pussy-like behavior.
- Y'all want to unleash the tiger?
- Release the demon!
- Oh!
- Shit!
Tiger's out.
- Are you okay, man?
- Mm-hm.
You feel better?
No, I don't fucking feel better.
That was seriously fucked up.
Okay. Good.
- You all right?
- Yeah, I just got to pee a little.
Everybody happy?
You get your gladiator show?
That was awesome.
No, it wasn't. There are a lot
better ways to handle that shit.
It's our last fucking ride.
I'm outta here.
You know, it's always the pretty ones,
like Bundy.
It is, man.
There you go, that's it. That's perfect.
- That's protected land, sir!
- Yo.
You're destroying sea turtle biosphere
with that urine.
Heh. Are you serious? Come on. Really?
Don't look at me.
Look out into the ocean.
I got it. Get the picture?
I'm running out.
- Yes, thank you. There we go.
- I'm done. That's it.
That's... That's usually what happens
when I pee on the beach.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Drag queens. That's, uh...
- Heh-heh-heh.
Ooh, doing drag queen stuff.
- You love drag queens.
- Ha-ha-ha. Yep.
- I am one, so I seek out my people.
- Heh.
- You are one? You are one?
- Mm-hm. On the inside.
- Mostly.
- Of course, on the inside. What's her name?
Dolly Titz.
- Dolly Tits?
- With a Z.
- With a Z. Where is she from?
- Mm-hm.
Here. And she loves couponing
and NASCAR.
I got an inner drag queen too.
- Oh. Really?
- Yeah.
Okay. I figured. Ha-ha.
Uh, what's her name?
Her name is...
Clitoria Labia is her name.
- That's actually not bad.
- It's not bad at all.
She's the main bitch.
She's like Cheetara and Grace Jones.
And they always sing "Rapper's Delight"
everywhere they go.
So you and your friends, uh,
frequent drag shows, do you?
No. Well, sometimes.
We just do it on the way up
to Myrtle Beach every year.
Oh, right. A stripper convention
I keep hearing about.
Yep, it's the infamous convention.
And which one are you?
Which what?
Are you cop in a thong
or a fireman in a thong?
I am... I am...
You're going to have to pay to see that.
That's what I am.
Or I'll just load up on all those fantastic
'80s hair bands for my drive instead.
- Where you going? Where you headed?
- Uh...
Just on the road again.
New York this time.
- And I...
- Yeah?
Basically, I'm just trying
to avoid ending up on the pole.
Like you.
But you never know.
Stripper Pissing on Beach in Contemplative
Pose could sell for thousands one day.
If that's true, I will whip it out and start
peeing on whatever you tell me to pee on...
- Heh.
- ...and we can just cash in.
Fantastic. I love the enthusiasm.
Save some of it, though, because you and I
are going to untie that sailboat...
and organize a first-ever cross-dressing
search party out to that island.
What do you say?
- Win or die, stripper guy.
- Uh, I say that...
I would actually love to do that.
But I'd say I know what happens
on that island, and that's just...
- I think I'm going to opt out.
- Oh.
What happens on that island?
No, it's just I know what happens
for me on that island.
Oh, I see.
- You think I'm gonna hook up with you. Mm.
- That's not at all what I said.
That's the farthest thing from what I said.
I said I would want to go...
to that island. I know what I would do.
And then that probably wouldn't work out on
any level that I would want it to work out on...
and then I think that it's probably better
if I just go back.
- Yeah.
- Wow. Okay.
Well, fret not, Casanova.
You're safe with me.
I'm not going
through a guy phase anyway.
Oh. Well, in that case, that makes
things easier, because then...
all the more reason for me to probably
just go do the "good night" thing.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Uh...
It was nice to meet you,
though, Dolly Titz.
Back at you, Clitoria.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
You sleep okay?
Yeah. Actually, I did.
Mm-hm.
My meditation
was really clear this morning.
I just feel like I got a lot
of the negativity out.
That's good.
That's good. I'm happy you feel lighter.
I'm happy you finally got
what you wanted.
- I am.
- Yeah?
We say shit all the fucking time,
but you went and did it.
I'm jealous.
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
- I am.
- No, if anybody was jealous, it was me.
- What?
Every time I would come over to your
apartment, I'd put on your Tide commercial.
That shit was dope.
For that extra clean!
- Ding!
- Oh, shit.
I was... I would think to myself, I'd be set
if I could just get to where Ken was.
Yeah, I'm real set here.
I'm real set. My agent's got me
doing YouTube videos now.
What you gonna do after this weekend?
Send my headshot around,
hope for the best.
There's a casting director
comes by the club sometimes, so...
I'm still pretty.
Yeah, I know you're still pretty, but...
look at these guys.
What are they going to do after this?
I don't know.
Morning, gorgeous.
Oh, my God, did you guys even sleep?
Yeah. Are the girls still here
or they leave?
They left about an hour ago.
Did you, uh, bangee?
Show him your bangee.
Wow.
That's... Okay.
She said if I had reason to call before
it faded, then maybe it was meant to be.
Oh. That's romantic.
They're staying
in Charleston tonight, so...
I don't know. It's smack dab on our way.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Good work on that, by the way.
What about you? Did you bangee?
- No.
- No?
I haven't had actual sex
in almost five months.
Every time a chick gets a look at it,
she's like:
"How about a blowjob or handjob?"
Just got to find the right lady.
That's unfortunate for you.
It's like a blessing and a curse
at the same time, huh?
Laugh at my plight.
Look, maybe it's like the glass slipper.
You just need to find the right one.
Dude, I'm 35 years old. If it hasn't
happened already, it ain't gonna happen.
Let's face it, I'm probably fucked.
Oh. All right. On that note, uh,
let's get this circus back on the road.
Who wants to see if Tarzan died
in his sleep last night?
Fuck that. I woke him up last time.
I'll do it. I got it.
I'll clean up the nonbiodegradables.
What's up, bro?
A little, uh, breakfast of champions?
- Molly?
- Yeah.
You realize we'll be useless in an hour.
What are you, 12? Just take it.
Argh. Fuck! All right, fine. Guess I know
what today is going to be like.
All right, get your moon rock!
So, what's the plan about this thing?
We got it all planned out.
Tobias will warm up the crowd...
then we'll hit them
with the old 4th of July Army routine.
That makes me feel like a warmonger with
everything going on politically right now.
Oh, come on with the hippie shit!
It's in season. We're doing it.
Hey, if you want that karma, go for it.
We'll hit them with "Raining Men"
right after.
Right. Then Tobias is gonna
intro the solos. Listen...
I think you should
bring back "Pony," bro.
I could do that.
And, look, "Pony" is great.
I have... Uh, can I pitch you something?
Let me just throw something out.
I completely understand that...
I'm coming in at the eleventh hour,
and I don't want to step on toes.
But what if...
If this really is our last ride, what if we make
up some new shit and go out with a bang?
Just burn this shit down
with some new routines.
We can't do that. We got two days.
Mike, that's what we've rehearsed.
- Don't call our shit lame.
- Right. I'm not calling your shit lame.
I'm just saying that cowboys and firemen
dancing to '80s rock is not not lame.
You know what is lame? Looking like a bag of
dicks because we don't have our act straight.
Okay, point taken.
Let me ask you a question, though. Um...
You're still doing
the fireman routine, right?
- You know it.
- Have you ever wanted to be a fireman?
- A real one?
- Yes, a real fireman.
- No, I got the phobia thing.
- You have a fire phobia, okay.
- You still doing it to that KISS song?
- Fuck, yeah. "Hotter Than Hell."
- Do you like that song?
- Crushes.
I know it crushes, but do you like it?
Do you play it when you're not onstage?
- I don't see your point.
- My point is, if you don't like it, why pick it?
I didn't pick it. Dallas did.
Exactly. You didn't pick it,
so it's not on the inside.
Just because you made up some
of your own routines...
doesn't mean you get to waltz back in
and tell us how to run our own shit.
- I'm not trying to tell you...
- No!
There is no fucking universe in which
I am not doing that fireman routine!
You can find it, man.
You got to just let go, okay?
- I fucking got it!
- What?
- It's like a real wedding except like a fantasy.
- Oh, my God!
Then I go out in the crowd
and find myself a real fucking bride.
- Oh, fuck!
- And I do everything with her!
I'll have a ring and everything, and I'll
propose to her, and people throw rice.
- They're throwing rice!
- Rice out of our pants!
- You're fucking incredible!
- It's just so complex.
What are you talking about?
Yo, man, I'm not a dancer like you.
I just can't come up with shit on the spot.
It's not about being a dancer, Richie.
It's not.
Okay, look.
"Pony," that wasn't a dance routine.
All it was is I was at a party
and saw this badass girl.
She was with her boyfriend, and he did not
look like he was hitting that shit right.
So that song came on, and all I did
was imagine what I would do to her.
That was it.
That was all "Pony" ever was.
- It sounds fucking complex.
- No, it's not.
Look at you! You're a fucking Greek god.
You could tie your shoe
and make some girl's entire year.
It's just got to come from in here.
You just have to be you. I know so.
You know what? Fuck that.
I bet you can go in there right now
and fucking make her day.
- Who, her?
- Hell, yeah.
That girl looks like she never smiled
in her entire life.
Then that's your goal.
That is your goal.
Go in there and make her smile,
that's all you've got to do.
If you can't do that, no one can,
and I'll go back and do the old routines.
- Oh, fuck!
- That's a fair deal.
You're not a fireman, Richie!
You're not a fireman.
I want to hear you say that.
"I am not a fireman."
- Well, I'm not a fireman.
- You hate fire!
- I'm a fucking male entertainer.
- Exactly!
Male entertainer.
You can do it. Now go do it!
B.D.R.!
B.D.R.! B.D.R.!
- Make her day.
- Be yourself. Show that big beautiful heart.
Yeah
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way
But we
Are two worlds apart...
When you say
That I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
Am I your fire
Your one desire
Yes, I know it's too late
But I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say...
How much for the Cheetos and water?
Yeah! Whoo!
That was spiritual, man.
- I'm proud of you, buddy.
- We can do this. We can do this!
We can do this. We've got
to come up with new shit, okay?
Fucking history right here.
This shit is history. Gone.
We've got to get rid of it.
Out with the past.
I never wanted to be in the Navy!
- I don't want this Top Gun shit. Gone!
- Yeah!
Oh, baby! It's time.
That shit itched. Boom!
- Boom, that's out of here!
- Fuck that thing!
Richie? Done!
- Fireman over!
- I'm not a fireman!
- Get it out of here.
- Don't. I'll throw it away when we get back.
No, no, no. Now! It's over. History!
New stuff.
I love you guys. I... Look.
I've missed you so much.
I know we're rolling face right now, but...
I just need you to know
how much I love you.
I missed you so much, man.
There was a giant hole inside of me
created when you left.
Now I feel like it's full again.
- I love you.
- Let's sync this shit up.
We gotta sync this up.
- We're syncing up the energy.
- I fucking love you!
Give me your hands, man.
- I take it y'all motherfuckers feel that?
- Oh, yeah.
That is our energies, man.
We are connected.
Toby! Throw it back here, brother.
We need you.
- Come on, man, sync up.
- This is powerful, man!
- You feel that rhythm?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Oh, yeah.
- I love you guys!
That's our pulse.
I am so thankful we are all here
together on this last ride.
Everybody close your eyes...
and let's just appreciate it,
not as six beings, but as one.
As one. As one unit, man.
As one fucking unit.
As one. We've got to move
into the future as one.
- As one unit. Moving as one.
- The past is over!
Shit!
- Fuck!
- What the hell happened?
- Get off my fucking leg!
- Fuck!
Is everybody okay?
No, I'm not fucking okay!
I'm not okay at all!
Oh, shit. Hey, we got a man down!
- Where'd that come from?
- He hit his head there.
- Oh, shit.
- He's okay.
Your friend suffered a Grade 2 concussion
and required some stitches.
- So he's going to live?
- Yes.
He'll need to stay here for 48 hours
of observation. He's in here.
My pupils bugging out?
- Be cool.
- You think she knows?
Oh, shit, man.
Hey, Toby.
- What's up, buddy?
- Hey, bro. What's up?
- Hi, guys. I'm so fucking sorry.
- No, I shouldn't have reached for you.
- I shouldn't have closed my eyes.
- Well, that's definitely true.
Fuck, yeah. What were you thinking?
- Hey, go easy on him.
- Easy? He's fine.
Right?
Yeah, I'm fine, but the truck...
Yeah, the truck is towed.
It's going to take a few days to fix it.
I think we can afford it.
I don't know about the paint job.
It won't be original,
but I can get it close.
Are you in pain?
Yeah. They gave me something,
but it's shit.
Yeah, I'm feeling that.
- What are you doing?
- Reiki. I'm a Level 3 healer.
Oh, shit.
This fucking sucks.
No fucking M.C. No fucking whip.
No fucking costumes!
That was a brilliant idea, throwing
the costumes out the window? Stupid!
- Just chill, man.
- No, it's an omen, okay?
It's a sign.
We're exactly where we're supposed to be.
All right?
Please spare us
the fucking Gandhi routine right now!
You have so much anger, and it is all
in your heart chakra, and it's fucking toxic.
- I don't even know what that means!
- Guys, just chill.
This is the comedown from the Molly.
Get a grip.
You're goddamn right it's a comedown.
This trip's over!
All I wanted was one more fucking ride!
Is that too much to ask?
Aw.
Is Richie gonna cry because life isn't
exactly the way he wants it right now?
Oh, okay, Mr. CEO.
Why don't you take your bullshit advice
and give it to your fucking employees?
Employees? I have one employee,
and I can't even pay for his healthcare.
But I bust my ass every month
to keep it going.
So don't act like we
don't all have problems.
Whatever. I'm the one who told you
coming with us was a horrible idea.
It's been the year
of the horrible idea, man.
You want to see another horrible idea?
I got one for you.
Bam. There you go.
There's a nice,
juicy horrible idea for you.
Brooke said no?
I had my life all planned out with her.
All right? It was all perfectly set up.
I had the house, the dog,
Downton Abbey on the weekends.
I even did the proposal on the beach
with bacon...
and mimosas and pancakes and all that.
And for whatever reason
that I'll probably never understand...
she wanted something else.
So I came on this trip with you fucks
to just try to get on with it.
So I'll be damned if I'll just let it end
right here and now.
You're right.
You're goddamn right.
We can't let the train stop here.
No. We got a tsunami of dollar bills
to get to, daddy.
- We're on a mission.
- Fuck, yeah.
Look, we'll get another
M.C. Right, Tobias?
That's the energy
I'm talking about right there.
Look, we'll pick him up on the way home.
All we got to do is get a rental car.
We're not gotta need a rental car,
I don't think.
This is another horrible idea, but...
I know an M.C. in Savannah.
- Gentlemen. How can I be of service?
- Hey.
Uh, is Rome in tonight?
- Are you a member, sir?
- No.
No, we're not members.
Uh... Mm.
I used to dance here,
before it was this.
Can you do me a favor
and get my name to Rome? Mike Lane.
And if that doesn't do the trick,
I guess we'll just stop bothering you.
You can follow me.
Y'all chill down here. I'll be back.
What's up?
Sit your ass down.
Malik, I'm sorry for the surprise,
but a ghost is a ghost.
I'll see you downstairs
in a minute, okay?
So they said, "Mike Lane and company."
- Mm-hm.
- Who's your company?
It's what's left of the Kings of Tampa.
Oh, let me guess! Mr. Crocodile Dundee
done did a little Houdini act?
- Yep. Ahem. Seems so.
- Mm.
Just so you know, I got out
on my own accord three years ago.
But yet here you are.
You got my curiosity, Mike.
Floor is yours.
No, I was just in the neighborhood
and wanted to see...
if I could stop by and borrow
a cup of brown sugar.
Boy, I tell you, shit don't change, huh?
Always got to lead with a joke
before you ask for what you want.
So, what did you do, turn this place
into some sort of country club?
Guess you could say that.
You know, back in the day...
in the Roman Empire, as long
as you paid the emperor your taxes...
you could worship who you wanted,
where you wanted, how you wanted.
Freedom had a small price.
Do you know what people value
more than freedom?
- Please say strippers.
- Nope. Beauty.
So if beauty is something
you really wish to behold...
you can behold all the beauty
you want right here.
All I ask is for a little
monthly fee, you know?
So it's a subscription-based pleasure
that you're selling?
You got it.
Why don't you let me show you around?
See what we do here.
Maybe you'll learn a little something.
- How you doing, queen?
- Good.
- You feeling good? Having a good time?
- Mm-hm.
All right, Mr. Augustus, I want you to keep
taking care of this beauty, you hear me?
- Yes, ma'am.
- All right.
That was beautiful, baby, as always.
Just beautiful.
All right, ladies.
Are you having a good time tonight?
That's what I thought.
But you know
there's always a queen up in here...
who must be reminded
of how beautiful she is.
Don't be shy. Where you at?
Ooh. Boom.
There you go.
Give me your hand.
Do you know how beautiful you are?
Queens, ain't she beautiful?
You hear that? But you know what?
If you're not gonna take our word for it,
we just gonna show you. Okay?
So let me present to you...
the absolutely adorable...
Andre.
What's your name?
Caroline.
Don't be shy. That's a beautiful name.
It was my grandmother's.
What did she do?
Um, she was the first female,
black grocery owner in the state.
Strong woman.
What brings you to Domina?
Other than the obvious.
Celebrating my divorce.
And your girlfriends brought you out
to have a good time. Huh?
Good job. I'll take it from here.
Caroline...
would you mind sitting
for me right here?
That would be great.
And, um, one last thing:
What's your favorite thing?
- Alcohol.
- Alcohol.
- Heh.
- Okay. Alcohol.
I'm gonna need some crowd participation
on this one, so just follow my lead.
Yeah. Uh-uh-uh.
Okay.
Young Caroline
Give a nigga half your time
She like alcohol
But you ain't here to hear me whine
I'm looking at your backside
I'm trying to stay patient
Make that thing clap
That's a standing ovation
Grandma independent
She don't need your help
But you don't really feel that way
About yourself
That's why the name feel funny in your mouth
You don't believe it, but I can see it
And fuck that dude, he don't get you
I know you cool and I just met you
Pick you up around 8
I can come and get you
On the coast, and we ballin'
Back and forth like it's ping-pong
And you ain't got a thing on
Let me sing your theme song
Caroline
This could be something special
This love of mine
Will never let go
If I could make you mine
Oh, I'd treat you so special
Be mine
Oh, be mine
All right, I need y'all to clap
on this one.
Caroline
This could be something special
This love of mine
Could never let go
And if I make you mine
Oh, I'd treat you so special
Be mine
Why are you here?
You know, me and the guys were, uh...
We were near Savannah.
And I couldn't not see you.
Okay.
And?
Don't laugh. We're going up
to the convention and...
I don't know, we're going to have
one crazy night to put this to bed and...
I don't know,
I just thought it could be fun.
The convention?
You mean to tell me
you came all the way here...
to see me
about that bullshit convention?
No. Look, I know.
I just thought it...
presented itself as an interesting
opportunity for us to...
No, no, no.
For you maybe. What the hell
do I need a convention for?
You don't. That's not what I'm saying.
Let me finish.
No. Uh-uh. No.
I haven't talked to you for eight years
since you walked out.
Did I walk out on you? Because if I remember
correctly, I went and took a job.
When I came back,
someone wouldn't let me in the house.
Mike, what makes you think you can
come up in here after all this time...
and snap your fingers
and I'm supposed to do a favor for you?
Okay.
Maybe...
I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. I'm...
not saying that at all.
Really?
I don't need a favor from you.
Fuck the convention.
Don't... All it is...
is an excuse for us to try
to put this shit between us to bed.
That's all.
Oh, shit.
Thank you, Octavius.
Ooh. You're wonderful.
My queens, gather.
I need you. I need you.
You ever had a ghost
come to your front door?
A ghost from your past,
one that still makes you shiver?
I had one today. So I need your help.
I need you to help me...
make a decision of whether
I should leave that ghost in his grave...
or give him an opportunity
to be resurrected.
Resurrected!
Okay.
I got a little treat for y'all tonight.
It's a man I knew...
as White Chocolate.
Some might know him...
as Magic Mike.
Woo-hoo!
We're gonna see if he's still got
some magic in that Mike.
Hello, beautiful.
You down for a little fun tonight?
- Yes.
- All right. Have a seat.
Mike?
- Come on, let's not do this.
- Ah.
- Mm.
- Mm-mm.
Malik?
I'm gon' make you feel it...
Come on, man. You got this.
Yeah, come on!
Yeah, baby! Yeah, Mike!
I'm gon' make you feel it
I'm gon' make you feel it
I'm gon' make you feel it...
Yeah.
Show them how it's done, Mikey!
Sweating while you callin' me daddy
Giving you the best you ever had, babe
Make me feel like you ain't ever had it
Stretching you out like you are elastic
Turn around,
poke it out so I can grab it
Flip that ass over
like we in gymnastics...
Baby, tell me that you want it deeper
I don't ever wanna come out
Put you in a coma, you're a sleeper
I know that your body's been drowsed
I'm gon' make you feel it
I'm gon' make you feel it
Tell me, do you wanna be bad
Tell me, do you wanna be bad, babe
With the shots, pow-pow
You bust off like an UZI
Think I'm gonna need another mat, babe
Back that ass up on me like I'm juvie...
It's going down, turn around
Let me feel yo booty
I'm a private in your parts
I'm at duty
Girl, give it to me
Baby, you remind me of my jeep-er
The way you body's bouncing up and down
Feels like a tsunami or Katrina...
I'm gon' make you feel it...
So seeing as though
you are leaving again...
I have Andre over here to take care of you.
He'll take you wherever you want to go.
We got to get on the road.
This was, uh... This was fun.
Whatever, I guess, that this was.
- It was good seeing you.
- Likewise.
So...
what was that?
Y'all used to dance together?
Uh... Yeah. Look, it's a...
It's a long, long story, but, uh...
Rome and I met each other at a very
interesting time in our lives and...
I guess you could say
that we had a thing.
- Yeah.
- For real, man.
- I'd say you had a thing.
- Yeah, well...
until I, uh, went to work
with Dallas. Yeah.
So is she going to come
help us, or what?
No.
No, I don't think
that's going to actually happen.
Rome likes to stay in her castle.
That's why she built it.
So I'm getting on 95 North, right?
Yeah. It's just outside of Charleston.
She texted me the address.
I'll tell you when we get closer.
- You need a copilot?
- Yes, please.
That was insane tonight, man.
- Thanks.
- I'm serious, dude.
- It was a good night.
- Your stuff is revolutionary.
- Sometimes the songs are a little...
- No, it was perfect. Are you kidding me?
- I appreciate that.
- You just made that up on the spot.
Rome likes us to put our passion
in our work.
Well, it shows.
I've never seen anything like that.
Are you doing anything else
with your music?
I'm trying. I put it up online.
Hopefully it'll spread
through social media, but...
honestly, with this E.P.
coming out, it's...
- Cool, man.
- It's hard to get people to pay attention.
Because there's so much shit
that comes on the Internet every day.
I just want to stay authentic.
At least you're trying, man.
At least you're trying.
That's why I moved down to Florida
back in the day, to do music stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I sang in "Dream Along With Mickey"
at Disney World from '03 to '05.
- What?
- Yeah, man.
I started out as the Donald Duck understudy,
but I was playing Mickey by my second year.
I got signed by an agent, booked
a couple regional commercial spots.
One day I heard an ad
on the radio looking for dancers.
And you know how that shit goes, so...
Heh-heh.
When I started this, I thought...
man, I thought I'd hate it.
But now, if the E.P. blew up tomorrow...
I'd probably still do this on the side.
- I'm serious.
- You're shitting me.
Do you see how many girls
I meet every day? For free?
For free! I don't got to pay for dinner.
All I do is sing.
Think about that.
These girls have to deal with men
in their lives every day who...
don't listen to them,
don't ask them what they want.
They don't even ask them what they want!
All we got to do is ask them
what they want.
And when they tell you,
it's a beautiful thing.
We're like healers or something.
Yes, man.
- Fuck, yes!
- We are.
- That's right.
- We're healers.
We're healers, man.
We can be. We can be.
I like that.
- Thanks for the ride.
- No problem.
- Good talking to you. Safe home.
- Look us up when you get back.
You sure this is the place?
I'm positive. She said it,
and I got the text.
Looks like somebody hooked up
with a trust fund baby!
I just hit her with her favorite flavor,
baby, and we're living large.
Megan?
Hello?
Megan?
There's some law of attraction
going on here.
Megan! It's Tito! Hey!
Oh, shit.
Who are you?
- Just, uh, friends of Megan.
- Ah.
Is Megan here?
My daughter and her friends are outside.
Who are you?
Oh, you're having a party.
We'll just go out. Megan is back this way?
You hold on.
Y'all can't just walk in my house...
like strangers
without having a hello drink.
You come on now and have a seat.
What you want? You want red?
You want white?
We got whiskey. We got shine.
Y'all get some. Ha-ha.
How about we start with wine
and end with shine?
- I like that rule.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Why don't you come sit right here?
Come on.
- Oh, shit!
- Thank you so much.
It smells good.
- Well, cheers!
- All right. Cheers.
Eye contact.
Thank you for your hospitality, ma'am.
Quit that proper shit!
You sound just like my ex.
What are your names?
I'm Mike. This is Tito, Ken, Richie...
Uh...
- Ernest.
- Ernest. Ernest.
Well, I'm Nancy.
And this is Mae, Julia,
Diane and Jessica.
- Hey. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Y'all don't look like
you're from around here.
We're from Miami.
- Florida.
- Yeah.
There's one in Ohio, dude.
Just passing through on our way
to Myrtle Beach.
- Oh! Myrtle Beach!
- Redneck Riviera.
Y'all should try Kiawah instead.
- Oh, yeah, I heard that's real nice, ma'am.
- "Oh, yeah, I heard that's real nice, ma'am."
- Listen to him!
- Is that what I sound like?
You're good!
Damn.
Don't think I don't know
what you're doing here with those girls.
How do y'all know my daughter?
We just met her in Jacksonville at a...
- It was a bar.
- A bar!
Well, that's my daughter.
Always making new friends!
So, what do y'all do?
- We are...
- I, uh...
Hey! How are you?
- Hey.
- Hi.
- There you are.
- Hi. What are y'all talking about?
The boys are just about to tell us
what they do for a living.
Mm-hm. We, uh...
- Well, I have my own furniture company.
- Yeah.
Tito here is into yogurt.
Frozen yogurt. Artisanal.
Ken is a budding actor and, uh...
Level 3 Reiki healer.
So if you need any work done, uh...
Ernie is an artist. He's a painter.
Mom, they're male strippers.
Now that makes sense.
Why didn't you say so
in the first place?
- It's fucking awkward to do that!
- This is fucked up.
Enough with that fucking language!
My God, I don't think I've ever had
a real live stripper in my house before.
- You have now.
- Well, actually...
- ...the technical term is male entertainer.
- Oh, my.
Mom, they're not here for that.
They're just friends.
Of course not.
Diana, go down and grab us
some more vino.
No, no! Don't you worry, I got this.
I'll reload, Nancy.
Okay, baby. Just get anything
that looks expensive.
As much of the good stuff
as your little arms can carry.
You got it.
I got arms. I'll help.
Are you Native American, Tito?
Yes, on my mother's side.
Really, I've got it. Thanks, though.
Oh, you do not have it.
By what I just saw up there, we are going
to need a fucking pack mule...
to water that bunch. So I don't know...
let's fucking do this.
I thought you were supposed
to be in New York, by the way.
Oh, wait, is that not
where we are? Whoa.
Hmm?
I changed my mind.
Does that mean you are gonna be
on the pole or not? Because...
"Dolly Titz on the main stage,
coming up for you, boys.
Get your dollar bills out and let's brighten
her day" sounds awesome to me.
Ha, ha.
Nice callback, Clitoria.
It's low-hanging fruit.
I can't help myself.
What's the plan now?
- Currently?
- Yep.
Find the perfect dynamite
for that powder keg upstairs and...
watch it blow.
Okay.
What are we looking for?
Something old and expensive.
To fit in upstairs.
Cool.
They all look the same to me.
Racist.
- Hmm?
- 1959 Château Lafite. That'll do.
You see, what I hear is that guy
isn't taking care of his own shit.
How are you going to expect your lady to
trim the hedges, if you're not willing to...
prune the tree?
I have a three-day max growth rule.
- Really?
- Abso-fucking-lutely, ma'am.
- Wow.
- Pardon my language.
- Oh, please.
- We got wine!
- A basket full of wine!
- We got a basket of wine.
You are missing out
on some husband tales in here.
Or ex-husband tales.
Julia and I are trying to lure
Mae and Diana over to the dark side.
Use the Force, Nance.
Come on, Mae, it's your turn.
Come on, Mae.
Come on, Mae, we know it ain't
all peaches and roses in that bedroom.
Cone of Silence here.
Fine. I'll go then.
Ugh. Here's a whopper for you.
- Here we go.
- Roger's the only man I've ever slept with.
- Terrible.
- Then you are going to get more wine.
Yeah.
I lost my virginity to him when I was 17,
and that was that.
Two beautiful daughters...
but only one penis
my entire fucking life.
Sadly, I was too naive to recognize
that he was a gay man.
Mom, you don't know that.
I knew enough. I knew he liked it
when I put my fing...
Mom! I don't want to hear that.
- Well, you need to!
- It's not so terrible.
Because I pissed away
all of this on one man.
And you are not going
to make the same mistake.
- Got it.
- That's why I tell these girls...
to play the field.
And don't stop until
you find one that...
rocks your fucking socks off!
- My motto.
- Hear, hear! Ha-ha-ha.
Well, you know, Nancy,
that plays both ways.
I think I've had as good
a run as anybody.
But I'd trade it all in a heartbeat
to come home to a wife, a kid...
people that love me.
That hole is never going to be filled.
That ship fucking sailed.
Wow.
I...
- I think my soul just died a little bit.
- I love you, Ernie.
Well, Hank and I have never had sex
with the lights on.
What?
Every time it starts,
he just goes and turns them off.
And I try to drop hints, but, uh...
Maybe it's me, I don't know.
Come on. Never once?
Never.
He's not showing you
how beautiful you are.
You're gorgeous. You know that, right?
She's gorgeous, right?
I'm not just talking about the paint job.
I'm not talking about this vessel.
I'm talking about what's inside you.
I read energy in my work,
and yours is...
pure and sweet...
and loving and nurturing.
Talk to him. If he won't worship you,
there's a lot of guys out there who will.
And the line starts here.
- Winds around this room too.
- Absolutely.
You know that, right?
Good. No, don't get shy on me.
I want to hear you say it.
Own it.
I don't know what to say to him.
Tell him what your fantasy is.
And make sure he does it with the lights on.
If he doesn't,
then y'all have a serious problem.
Well, I, um...
When we were in college
and falling in love...
we used to listen to that song "Heaven."
Oh, shit! Yes!
I love that song.
Oh thinkin' about all our younger years
- Yeah.
- Come on.
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
- Will you hold this for me?
- Come on.
Now nothin' can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more
Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
- Come on, boys.
- Yeah.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
Do you feel good?
- That's wonderful!
- Whoa!
I don't think Hank can do that.
Doctor's in the house, baby.
The doctor has checked into the building!
Oh, thank you.
Yeah! Fuck, Ken!
- Whoo!
- What the fuck?
Y'all know that was my audition song.
Yeah, it was one of them.
It's awesome.
Oh, God, I just love this fucking night!
I love it!
I wish we had known you guys
back in our day, you know?
Well, I'd say it's still
your day, ma'am.
Thank you, Richie.
Stand up.
- Oh, no.
- Come on, stand up.
Oh, my God, just look at you.
You are just perfect.
Damn!
Oh, God.
Oh, damn, look at you.
I hate to be rude, but...
You want to pop the hood.
Okay.
Oh, my God!
- Mom!
- Oh, please!
Of course, you're eating cake
by yourself when...
the fireworks are about to go off in there.
This isn't concerning at all.
What can I say? I like cake.
Do you have any idea
what's going on out there?
A lady is about to get...
I don't even know
how to put it into words.
No, I'm a cookie guy.
What?
- Yeah.
- It's red fucking velvet.
I would take a pack of Oreos
over that bullshit any day of the week.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing's wrong. Cookies are awesome.
I don't think we have anything
to say to one another.
If you don't want to talk about it...
I don't know if it's about New York,
but I intuit it might be...
I'm going to start hiding
the kitchen knives in a minute.
Seriously, it is that obvious.
What's up?
I met a photographer in Miami
at this party I was working at.
He was nice and married and all of that.
Took a look at my photos
and said I had an eye.
Offered me a job right there
on the spot as his assistant.
That's cool. Did he offer
a place for you to stay as well...
that happened to be his house
when his wife was away?
That...? Yeah.
Wait, were you there?
I was there, but in drag.
You wouldn't have recognized me.
- Mm.
- But I just want to throw this out there.
Um, this might be God's way of giving you
a second chance at Myrtle Beach.
Mm. Any God worth believing in certainly
sends you dudes in thongs when in need.
Or she just knows
that some asshole in Miami...
- She?
- Yes, my God is a she. Um...
She just might know that...
some asshole in Miami stole your smile,
and you need it back.
And I can guarantee you
that strippers...
will give smiles a-plenty
and make you forget about New York.
And if that doesn't work,
then there will be 3000 women there...
seeing as you're not in a boy phase.
- That was quite a pitch.
- Mmm.
When shit's not going your way, getting
a little crazy with some random friends...
has a way of helping you
sort out your own shit.
So I'm your friend now?
You've seen me pee. I don't know anyone
that's not my friend that's seen me pee.
Fair enough.
Look, I don't normally
trust a cookie guy...
but I'll think about it.
That's valid.
All right. You think about it, Dolly. I'm
going back in there and feed the wolves...
because it's getting
a little rabid in there. All right?
It's Zoe, by the way.
Zoe. Nice to meet you.
Magic. Magic Mike.
Morning, gentlemen.
- Morning.
- Hey, buddy.
- Everyone sleep all right?
- Yeah.
You boys have fun.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mm.
Did you bangee?
Did you bangee?
- Yes.
- You banged her?
Was she the glass slipper?
Yes, man!
That beautiful nice lady
was the glass slipper?
- Hold it. Every inch?
- Wow.
Y'all had a crazy connection.
I could feel it.
I'm so happy for you.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- What?
You got to be kidding me.
You got to be fucking joking.
- This is us?
- It was the ex-husband's.
She didn't care what shape I brought it
back in, as long as I brought it back.
Didn't realize she'd actually
been married to Shawn Kemp.
- Pimping!
- Sweet!
Beautiful piece of machinery.
Holy shit!
We're gonna kill on the strip in Myrtle.
This is gonna kill.
Gentlemen, welcome.
We've been expecting you.
Mrs. Davidson called ahead, upgraded your
rooms and booked you our conference space.
- Oh. What's up, Mrs. Davidson?
- Yeah.
I know what was up Mrs. Davidson!
That's sick, man.
- No! Get out of here!
- Come on, man.
So you think it's okay to have me wait
for you for two hours.
It's not okay,
but someone should've told me.
- Don't say I never did anything for you.
- I ain't never gonna say that, I promise you.
- Look at this.
- What's up?
- How you doing, Rome?
- What's up, man?
- So 3000 women, man?
- Three thousand women. You got some ideas?
- Yeah, I got some ideas.
- They ain't ready for you.
They ain't ready for us.
Good night.
- Good night, y'all.
- Later, guys.
Where is your yogurt now, man?
I'm starving.
Yeah.
You really think it's going to work?
You think I can pull this off?
- What, the yogurt truck?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Man, I hope so. I hope I can keep it afloat.
Because nothing...
feels that good.
Other than being onstage.
But that's why it's going to work.
You love it too much.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It's not gonna be easy.
If you want, on the way back down,
I'll go over everything you got.
We'll go through it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- That'd be cool, man.
- Heh-heh.
You know, I get why you left.
I'm just glad you're back.
All right, Hypnotize.
Make sure you see sound and lighting.
They'll hook you up.
Go on, make some money.
Give him a locker key.
Next!
Paris?
Holy fucking shit. Heh.
- What are y'all doing here?
- Hi.
- Give your mama some sugar!
- How are you? How are you?
- They always come back.
- Mm-hm.
I am great. I'm a little confused, because
Dallas didn't let me know y'all were coming.
- Where is he?
- Dallas is not coming. It's just us.
- Baby, I don't have a spot for you.
- You got a spot, come on.
Honey, you know how this works.
You're not special.
Especially you. You've been out!
How long?
- Don't worry about it.
- A couple years?
- You can find us a spot.
- You've not been dancing. Look at you.
- Are you even in shape?
- It's like riding a bike.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm.
I don't know.
Who's this? Big Dumb Rick?
How you doing?
- It's "dick."
- Okay.
- So you don't have an M.C.
- We do have an M.C.
You don't have an M.C.
What am I supposed to do?
We do have an M.C.
Hey, gorgeous.
- Shut the fuck up.
Mm-hm.
Hey. How you been?
- How have you been?
- Good.
So you got a spot for us?
This girl taught me everything I know.
Who is at 10:20? Bumper Grinders?
All right.
For her.
- 10:20.
- That's why I love you.
That's a money spot. I expect y'all
to make some money in that spot.
Thank you.
- How are the knees?
- Rotten.
Yeah? You good?
To tell you the truth, I haven't felt
this nervous since Desert Storm.
What?
How have I known you this long and
I don't know that you were in Desert Storm?
Just never came up.
Look, I don't know, me and you,
we haven't really...
had a chance to have our moment.
Are we good?
You know, Mike, when I called you...
I didn't call to fuck with you.
I called because I missed you, man.
Read my fangs.
Let her make her own decisions.
- Whatever.
- Chill, guys!
I fucked Bella!
Shit.
- Who's killing it out there?
- Fucking vampire bullshit!
Did you guys see this? They're doing
a fucking Twilight routine and mopping up.
All those tweeners are growing up.
Makes perfect sense.
- That's true.
- Yep.
Well...
- Dude, I just don't want to fuck this up.
- You're not going to fuck this up.
And on the off chance that we actually
go out and shit the bed, who cares?
- Don't say that.
- Why? Fuck it.
Look, I love you guys.
This trip has been ridiculous and amazing.
So please do not make me give the whole:
"It's not about how we go out there and do it,
it's about getting to do it together" speech...
that I just gave you.
Okay.
Richie, what are you?
You're not a fireman.
What are you?
I'm a...
male entertainer.
Oh, yeah. What are we?
- Male entertainers.
- Come on, get it in.
Hey! Hold that up!
It's not bro time, it's show time.
Are you guys ready?
- Yeah, we're ready.
- All right, let's do this.
Ready? One, two, three.
Male entertainers.
We're strippers. We're strippers.
Whoa! Yes, give it up!
Oh, Men of Steel
in the Twilight routine!
Oh, that was hot!
Can I hear y'all say "hot"?
- Hot!
- Whoo!
That's a nice Southern welcome.
All right.
Now, I know this is not a competition...
but y'all are gonna go home
with your favorites tonight.
One of my all-time favorites...
is making an appearance on this stage
after a little while away.
Magical little dancer.
He's been gone a little while,
but he's back.
He has hooked up
with the devil himself...
and he is back tonight
with those friends...
to entertain your beautiful selves.
Here they are.
Reserrection!
Good evening, friends.
This is what you came here for.
Liftoff in five, four,
three, two, one...
Ignition.
Hold this.
Just wait until you see
what we got coming up.
Did you like that, ladies?
Was it good to you?
Well, just so you know, my name is Rome.
I'll be your M.C. tonight.
Now, ladies, do you mind if I refer
to you all as queens?
Because every last one of you up in here
is a queen and don't you ever forget it!
Now, with that being said...
are you ready to be worshiped?
Are you ready to be exalted?
Are you ready to meet
a special kind of beast...
that can bring
all the beauty out in you?
Well, without further ado,
we have our first king tonight.
Tarzan.
I don't know about you, queens...
but I'd let that beast throw
whatever he wanted on me any day!
You know how the alchemy of opposites
can be so satisfying?
Have a little bit of cold
with a little bit of hot.
Have a little bit of yes
with a little bit of no.
And you know how we like our kings to be
really, really sweet and really, really...
hard all at the same time.
Yes, Lord.
I introduce to you our candy king.
Tito!
So seductive
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Go ahead girl, don't you stop
Keep going till you hit the spot
I'll take you to the candy shop
Boy one taste of what I got
I'll have you spending all you got
Keep going till you hit the spot
You can have it your way
Now, queens, wasn't that a tasty treat?
You know, past those closed doors don't you
get tired of everybody trying to tell you...
what is a "good woman"?
How a good woman talks?
How a good woman should be sexed?
Sometimes you just want somebody
to ask you what you want and just...
give it to you just like that.
And then whisper in your ear,
"How does it feel?"
I got the king for you, ladies.
King Ken!
Girl, it's all on you
Have it your way
And if you want, you can decide
And if you'll have me
I can provide
Everything that you desire
If you get a feeling
Feeling that I am feeling, baby
Won't you come closer, closer
To me, baby?
Mmm, then you've already got me
Right where you want me, baby
And I
I just want to be your man
How does it feel, baby?
I wanna know
How does it feel?
I wanna know
How does it feel, baby?
Let me take off your clothes
And now
How does it
How does it
Let me show you
What I'm talking about, baby
How does it feel, baby?
Yeah, yeah
How does it feel, baby? Yeah
I wanna know
How does
How does it feel?
Y'all give it up for my boy Ken
right now, with the pipes.
Y'all ladies hear those high notes?
But now on to a more serious subject.
Dearly beloved...
we are gathered here in the presence
of every male entertainer in the hemisphere.
Y'all do this every year,
and every year you do it well.
You do it well, that hide and seek,
that don't go tell...
It's okay, you can touch.
...that every woman
in this room deserves.
And simply because there are
so many of you, and so few of us...
there is something we simply can't give.
But we're gonna try to tonight.
Because everybody deserves just...
a little commitment.
It's a beautiful night
We're looking for something dumb to do
Hey, baby
I think I wanna marry you
Is it the look in your eyes
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares, baby
I think I wanna marry you
Well, I know a little chapel...
No one will know
Come on, girl
Who cares if we're trashed
Got a pocket full of cash we can blow
Shots of Patrón
And it's on, girl
You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me...
Help me
I've got no soul to sell
Help me
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you...
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Marry me!
Ravage me! Please! What?
All right, let's slow it down, ladies.
We got some serious things
to talk about right now!
All right, is there anybody
up in here...
that ain't on birth control?
Oh, no. I'm keeping it real
with you, ladies.
Because there's about to be
some grown-woman shit up in here tonight!
So if you ain't
on birth control, we have...
illuminated exit signs
to your left and your right.
All right?
But I'm looking
for two grown-ass women...
to deal with these grown-ass men
coming to the stage.
What?
Ungh.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
I see me a beauty queen right here.
Zoe. I heard about you.
I heard you real grown with it.
Come here.
Don't be scared.
Give her some encouragement, queens.
Come on, let's not hate.
I know we wish it was us tonight,
but it's her.
She's the lucky one.
She's the lucky one!
What? Yeah.
All right, beautiful, have a seat.
Don't worry. You're going
to be well taken care of, I promise.
These two don't need an introduction.
Here we are all alone
You and me, privacy
And we can do anything
Your fantasy
I wanna make your dreams come true
Can you hear?
She's calling me
Between your legs
Loud and clear
I wanna talk back to her
Make love to her
I wanna hear you scream my name...
I'm kissing you
Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway
Making love away beside the stairs
We can do it anywhere
Early in the morning's
when I think about you
I hit you like what you sayin'
And the morning's when I wanna **** you
Yeah, I hit you like what you sayin'
I could **** you all the time...
Face time on the go
She gave me dome from the distance
She love to climb on top
But she love to walk off limping...
Cookie, cookie, cookie,
I'm a cookie monster
Break your back,
crack it open like a lobster
I kill the pussy, dig a
Grave
She grab the wood like grippin'
Grain
I told her put it in my face
Let it rain, let it rain
Girl I got a sweet tooth
Ain't nothin' sweeter than you
I'm-a eat it up, beat it up
Till you holler out truce
My bed could be your stage
And I'm-a make you a star
Your legs in the air and my hands all up
In your cookie jar, like mmm
Like an Oreo
I love to lick the middle like an Oreo
Turn it up
Oreo, Oreo, like an Oreo
I wanna bite it and get inside it
Till I get you gone
Wanna know how I get down?
Wanna know how I get down?
You wonder how I'm the best
And how I can do all this with my mouth?
Wanna know how I get down?
Wanna know how I get down?
I see somebody got their smile back!
I did.
- Yup.
We have got to get a retail space.
I'm so over these contractors
nickel-and-diming our margins all day.
I hear you, man.
- Watch the mirror.
- Yep.
That's it.
Come on, man.
VOICEMAlL: Hey, pal, it's Tarzan.
Found your number on Google.
Hope it's the right one.
Look, I know it's been a while...
but since we're coming up through Tampa,
I figured you'd want to know.
I got some real bad news about Dallas.
He's gone, bro.
- Can I help you?
- Hi. I'm here for the wake.
There's no wake here.
Okay. Sorry. I think I actually hear it.
Come on, baby! Woo-hoo!
Holy shit, what the fuck
are you doing here?
- You dropped your towel.
- Yeah, just go with it, baby.
- Hey, fellas! Catch and release!
- No, no, no!
Nice entrance.
Hey, what's with this fucking suit, bro?
Well, I don't know.
Somebody told me this was a wake.
A wake?
Yeah, Dallas. He's not dead?
You told him he was dead?
We were going to invite you, but...
we had a couple drinks and were like,
"He's got the girl and the job, and...
he's not going to come
unless we really get his attention."
Okay, if he's not dead,
then where is he?
He fucking bailed on us.
He took the Kid.
Started a new show overseas.
- Wow. Where?
- Macaw.
Macau.
Fucking China. Some d-bag investor offered
Dallas a whole bunch of money...
Don't say his name, man.
Don't give it that power.
I can say his name.
He's not fucking Voldemort.
First time you backflipped off
that balcony in the middle of the night.
I was thinking about doing it again
and then I punked out.
Yeah, liquid acid. That'll take you back
to the original self.
No, fuck that shit. I woke up
under a car in the parking lot.
White Shadow, meet Mikey.
- Mikey Lane, White Shadow.
- Yeah, we've met.
I think she likes you, Mike.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, yeah, she definitely likes you.
Jesus fuck.
You look good, Mike.
How's everything going, man?
Heh. Things are good, man. Really good.
The business is crushing it.
We got so many orders,
I don't have enough employees.
Uh... I don't know.
We're about to expand and get a retail spot.
- That's nice, man.
- Yeah, dude, I'm just...
happy to be running
my own show for once.
- I bet.
- Feel that one.
- How's the old girl?
- She's good, man. Yeah, I mean...
You guys still haven't told me
what the fuck y'all are doing in Tampa.
Today, you are looking at it, brother.
Just basking in the glory
of our good fortune.
But tomorrow we start the pilgrimage
to Myrtle Beach for the convention.
- Oh, that's right.
- One last fucking ride, baby.
How's that work without Dallas?
Well, you see...
Tobias is going to M.C.
"All right, all right, all right!
How y'all ladies doing here tonight?"
Heh-heh.
That's totally going to work.
Do it just like that.
We got a couple days
to perfect that. Uh...
The point is, we still got two freak shows,
one who can barely dance.
One person of color?
I think you mean two.
You're fucking Algerian, bro.
- Armenian, asshole.
- Oh, yeah, Armenian.
One snowy white Ken doll
for all those good little Christian women.
Present.
What the fuck more do you need? Right?
- Seize the day. Am I right?
- Yeah!
I'm goddamned if I'll let my last memory
of this business be getting laid off.
If I'm going down, I'm going down
in a fucking tsunami of dollar bills!
- Can I get an "Amen"?
- Amen, brother!
Make it rain! Amen!
All right, let's cut this,
then sand it and stain it.
Hey, Mike, any word
on that thing we talked about?
Uh...
Yeah. Yes, uh, is the answer, but...
it just can't be right now.
We need a couple more reliable accounts
before I can get a policy for you.
All right?
Yo, get outta here. Go have dinner
with your family. I can do this.
- No, man. It's no problem.
- Come on, it's fine. Seriously.
- Yeah?
- I got it. Go home.
Thanks, brother.
You're listening to the Golden Age
of Hip-Hop. Only on Spotify.
I'm just a bachelor
Looking for a partner
Someone who knows how to ride
Without even falling off
Gotta be compatible
Takes me to my limits
Girl, when I break you off
I promise that you won't want to get off
If you're horny, let's do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
If you're horny, let's do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle's waiting
Come and jump on it
Sitting here flossing
Peeping your steelo
Just once if I have the chance
The things I will do to you...
- Pack the pump?
- I brought one for you too.
- That's got the brace.
- You got the knee brace in there. Copy.
Ken, you got that Endless Summer
Spray Tan Mix?
You know I do, brother.
First thing I packed.
Y'all got room for one more
on this motherfucker?
What? Ha-ha.
What in the hell are you doing here?
What do you think? You said,
"Seize the day." I ain't missing this shit.
You got off work?
CEO of my own company.
I take vacations when I want them.
Wait, your girl gave you a hall pass?
I don't need a hall pass, just somebody
to tell me this isn't a terrible idea.
Oh. This is a horrible idea.
But you can't take it back now.
So get the fuck on the van. Let's go!
Yeah! This is like when Justin
came back to Backstreet.
You kidding me?
Justin was in 'N Sync. Kevin Richardson
came back to Backstreet in 2012.
Get your Orlando history straight.
I'm not from Orlando.
I don't give a shit.
You know who does?
People who actually have musical taste.
Backstreet was the only legitimate boy band
that ever came out of Florida, period.
And that conversation just happened.
Welcome back, Mike!
Welcome back, brother.
Hey, Mikey!
What do you think of the truck, bro?
This thing's fucking crazy.
Right? My buddy Martin hooked me up
with his uncle's old roach coach.
Then I got Tarzan to paint it up
all sick Picasso style.
Yeah, I'm mostly
an oil-on-canvas guy, but...
- ...I did the best I could.
- Ha-ha-ha.
What exactly
are you doing out of it, though?
I'm making artisanal probiotic froyo.
I serve it out of this side.
Tobias spins out of the other.
The whole thing's like a healthy,
mobile block party.
It's crazy, right? We'll keep your feet loose
and satisfy your sweet tooth.
That's actually a pretty good idea.
Yeah. Appreciate that, Mike.
Good show.
Is this, uh, how the whole trip
is going to be?
You'll be on this thing the whole time?
Are you kidding?
Relax. A bunch of orders just came in.
The guys in the shop are freaking out.
If you're gonna be here, be here.
Be present.
Okay, I'll be present.
What are you even doing?
Narcissus is taking pics
of his eyebrows.
You zoom in, you find the shit
you can't catch in the mirror.
See? I need a tweeze right there.
Shit works.
Mike, come on, man.
All right! Relax.
Yo.
All right, that's it.
- Yo! What the fuck are you doing?
- iPhone went "Bye, phone!"
Are you serious?
- Buy another one, you rich motherfucker.
- Turn the truck around.
- How do you like that, bitch?
- Oh, I welcome it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- That wasn't my phone.
- It was mine.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Fuck, I'm sorry. Fuck!
I only had seven minutes left on it, man.
Here. Have a shake.
I don't want a fucking shake.
What am I supposed to do? I should
chuck your big ass right off this truck.
That's the Mikey I remember!
If you ain't ready to bring it
old school this weekend...
you need to hop up
off this truck right now.
What are you talking about?
Why do you think I came?
I don't know, man.
It's been a long time.
But I do know this. You better be ready
to follow my ass down the rabbit hole.
I'm talking out of body, baby.
Astral projection!
Tobias, we're going to Mad Mary's.
- Hell, yeah!
- Oh, shit.
Nobody messes with the mojo
on the last ride, brother.
Hot, hot, hot, hot
Hot, hot, hot
Hey, you guys remember the last time
we were in this club...
and you and Ken were fucking
with those two girls from the club?
What was the girl
with the black hair's name?
I don't know.
How am I supposed to remember that?
You don't fucking remember that.
Come on.
Man, you are fucking dusty. Julie.
Julie, man! The barely legal paralegal.
- Here we go.
- It's getting late.
Hot stuff
Bonjour, lovelies.
How are all y'all nasty motherfuckers
doing out there tonight?
Doing great, yeah!
That's the ticket, Miss Thing.
Now, I am Miss Tori Snatch...
your host for this glamorous evening
of good old swamp country debauchery.
And I've got some good news...
for some of y'all budding queens
hiding out there in the shadows.
I've got four...
crumpled-up, coke-dusted $100 bills...
for the best amateur queen
here in Jacksonville!
Yes. So let's get some Vogue popping
in this bitch, shall we?
Come on now. Young and old,
hot and cold, get your ass on this stage.
Go, go, go.
You guys really want
to go down the rabbit hole?
- So you were listening.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go dig it for you, Alice.
Let's see how far you're really willing to go.
All right? Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- Mikey.
- Oh, it's on.
That's the plan.
Take over South Beach,
then the entire East Coast.
Fucking mobile. You know,
low overhead, high-revenue shit.
That's how you get flush
in the food industry.
- What is this? It's really good.
- Goddamn right, what is this! Jeez!
- What am I eating right now?
- You like that, Mike?
- That's gold, right?
- This is amazing!
That's toasted marshmallow tangerine.
Whatever it is, it's fabulous.
Put marshmallow in my pants right now.
- You gotta sell this.
- Tip of the iceberg, baby. We got...
kiwi olive oil with freeze-dried basil,
Crème Brûlée.
And my personal favorite,
the flavor of truth.
Come on, you've been talking
about this shit forever.
Tell everybody what you're really
gonna be doing come Monday morning.
Grinding those snow cones
at the Northdale Mall.
Yeah, well,
that's just market research, bitch.
Until we get the funds
to do what we really need.
That's all it is, bro. Fucking hater.
Besides, I think it beats
raking the infield at Tropicana.
Well, at least the shit I'm working on
can go global.
- Wait, what? I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah.
Why don't you enlighten us,
Constant Gardener?
Yeah, please enlighten me.
I have to know what this piece of genius is.
ShamWow us with your genius invention.
Come on, Richie. Tito laid his shit out.
Everybody's cool. Just tell us.
It's us, bro.
- Just tell us.
- Come on, let's go, come on!
All right. But if any of you motherfuckers
steals my idea, I swear to God I will...
Why you got to point at the Mexican
when you say "steals"?
- We get it. Just go.
- Let's have it, tough guy.
Condomints.
What are the two most important things
you need to take...
when you go out on the weekend?
Ketchup and mustard?
Your condoms...
- ...and your mints.
- What?
I put them together in one package,
like a pack of gum. Sell it at a gas station.
"Condomints."
- It's not bad.
- Boom!
Um, they already have that shit, bitch.
- You can get it...
- Ha-ha-ha!
I get it all the time at the minimart.
I'm sorry.
They're at every single Circle K
and 7-Eleven across Florida.
I'm so sorry, man.
- They didn't sign the nondisclosure.
- Sorry about it.
Hey, Richie, don't worry about it.
I got something for you, top secret.
Imagine this. A small, little rectangle.
You hold it up to your ear,
you speak into it...
somebody in a distant land
with the exact same thing can hear it.
I haven't come up with a name for it.
I figure...
- Fuck you.
- I'm so sorry, man.
Oh, God.
Hey, I forgot to ask,
you still with Mercedes?
No. We agreed to try monogamy and...
you know Mercedes.
That shit lasted for about two seconds.
That fucking sucks. I'm sorry.
It's like Oprah said: "When someone
shows you themselves, believe them."
What? Really?
- Are we doing this passive-aggressive shit?
- That's what she said.
- That's not passive-aggressive.
- Let's make it aggressive.
How about this? Let's do a little therapy
session. Old-school therapy session.
- Get up. We'll get this out in one swing.
- Are we fucking primates now?
One hit and let's not talk about it anymore.
I get it. You're mad that I left.
- Come on! Just don't hit me in the nuts.
- Stupid.
- Are you kidding? Stop being a pussy.
- You happy?
Stop being a pussy. Let's go.
- Don't call me a pussy, Christian Bale.
- He didn't.
He just said you exhibited
pussy-like behavior.
- Y'all want to unleash the tiger?
- Release the demon!
- Oh!
- Shit!
Tiger's out.
- Are you okay, man?
- Mm-hm.
You feel better?
No, I don't fucking feel better.
That was seriously fucked up.
Okay. Good.
- You all right?
- Yeah, I just got to pee a little.
Everybody happy?
You get your gladiator show?
That was awesome.
No, it wasn't. There are a lot
better ways to handle that shit.
It's our last fucking ride.
I'm outta here.
You know, it's always the pretty ones,
like Bundy.
It is, man.
There you go, that's it. That's perfect.
- That's protected land, sir!
- Yo.
You're destroying sea turtle biosphere
with that urine.
Heh. Are you serious? Come on. Really?
Don't look at me.
Look out into the ocean.
I got it. Get the picture?
I'm running out.
- Yes, thank you. There we go.
- I'm done. That's it.
That's... That's usually what happens
when I pee on the beach.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Drag queens. That's, uh...
- Heh-heh-heh.
Ooh, doing drag queen stuff.
- You love drag queens.
- Ha-ha-ha. Yep.
- I am one, so I seek out my people.
- Heh.
- You are one? You are one?
- Mm-hm. On the inside.
- Mostly.
- Of course, on the inside. What's her name?
Dolly Titz.
- Dolly Tits?
- With a Z.
- With a Z. Where is she from?
- Mm-hm.
Here. And she loves couponing
and NASCAR.
I got an inner drag queen too.
- Oh. Really?
- Yeah.
Okay. I figured. Ha-ha.
Uh, what's her name?
Her name is...
Clitoria Labia is her name.
- That's actually not bad.
- It's not bad at all.
She's the main bitch.
She's like Cheetara and Grace Jones.
And they always sing "Rapper's Delight"
everywhere they go.
So you and your friends, uh,
frequent drag shows, do you?
No. Well, sometimes.
We just do it on the way up
to Myrtle Beach every year.
Oh, right. A stripper convention
I keep hearing about.
Yep, it's the infamous convention.
And which one are you?
Which what?
Are you cop in a thong
or a fireman in a thong?
I am... I am...
You're going to have to pay to see that.
That's what I am.
Or I'll just load up on all those fantastic
'80s hair bands for my drive instead.
- Where you going? Where you headed?
- Uh...
Just on the road again.
New York this time.
- And I...
- Yeah?
Basically, I'm just trying
to avoid ending up on the pole.
Like you.
But you never know.
Stripper Pissing on Beach in Contemplative
Pose could sell for thousands one day.
If that's true, I will whip it out and start
peeing on whatever you tell me to pee on...
- Heh.
- ...and we can just cash in.
Fantastic. I love the enthusiasm.
Save some of it, though, because you and I
are going to untie that sailboat...
and organize a first-ever cross-dressing
search party out to that island.
What do you say?
- Win or die, stripper guy.
- Uh, I say that...
I would actually love to do that.
But I'd say I know what happens
on that island, and that's just...
- I think I'm going to opt out.
- Oh.
What happens on that island?
No, it's just I know what happens
for me on that island.
Oh, I see.
- You think I'm gonna hook up with you. Mm.
- That's not at all what I said.
That's the farthest thing from what I said.
I said I would want to go...
to that island. I know what I would do.
And then that probably wouldn't work out on
any level that I would want it to work out on...
and then I think that it's probably better
if I just go back.
- Yeah.
- Wow. Okay.
Well, fret not, Casanova.
You're safe with me.
I'm not going
through a guy phase anyway.
Oh. Well, in that case, that makes
things easier, because then...
all the more reason for me to probably
just go do the "good night" thing.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Uh...
It was nice to meet you,
though, Dolly Titz.
Back at you, Clitoria.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
You sleep okay?
Yeah. Actually, I did.
Mm-hm.
My meditation
was really clear this morning.
I just feel like I got a lot
of the negativity out.
That's good.
That's good. I'm happy you feel lighter.
I'm happy you finally got
what you wanted.
- I am.
- Yeah?
We say shit all the fucking time,
but you went and did it.
I'm jealous.
- Oh, shut the fuck up.
- I am.
- No, if anybody was jealous, it was me.
- What?
Every time I would come over to your
apartment, I'd put on your Tide commercial.
That shit was dope.
For that extra clean!
- Ding!
- Oh, shit.
I was... I would think to myself, I'd be set
if I could just get to where Ken was.
Yeah, I'm real set here.
I'm real set. My agent's got me
doing YouTube videos now.
What you gonna do after this weekend?
Send my headshot around,
hope for the best.
There's a casting director
comes by the club sometimes, so...
I'm still pretty.
Yeah, I know you're still pretty, but...
look at these guys.
What are they going to do after this?
I don't know.
Morning, gorgeous.
Oh, my God, did you guys even sleep?
Yeah. Are the girls still here
or they leave?
They left about an hour ago.
Did you, uh, bangee?
Show him your bangee.
Wow.
That's... Okay.
She said if I had reason to call before
it faded, then maybe it was meant to be.
Oh. That's romantic.
They're staying
in Charleston tonight, so...
I don't know. It's smack dab on our way.
Maybe it was meant to be.
Good work on that, by the way.
What about you? Did you bangee?
- No.
- No?
I haven't had actual sex
in almost five months.
Every time a chick gets a look at it,
she's like:
"How about a blowjob or handjob?"
Just got to find the right lady.
That's unfortunate for you.
It's like a blessing and a curse
at the same time, huh?
Laugh at my plight.
Look, maybe it's like the glass slipper.
You just need to find the right one.
Dude, I'm 35 years old. If it hasn't
happened already, it ain't gonna happen.
Let's face it, I'm probably fucked.
Oh. All right. On that note, uh,
let's get this circus back on the road.
Who wants to see if Tarzan died
in his sleep last night?
Fuck that. I woke him up last time.
I'll do it. I got it.
I'll clean up the nonbiodegradables.
What's up, bro?
A little, uh, breakfast of champions?
- Molly?
- Yeah.
You realize we'll be useless in an hour.
What are you, 12? Just take it.
Argh. Fuck! All right, fine. Guess I know
what today is going to be like.
All right, get your moon rock!
So, what's the plan about this thing?
We got it all planned out.
Tobias will warm up the crowd...
then we'll hit them
with the old 4th of July Army routine.
That makes me feel like a warmonger with
everything going on politically right now.
Oh, come on with the hippie shit!
It's in season. We're doing it.
Hey, if you want that karma, go for it.
We'll hit them with "Raining Men"
right after.
Right. Then Tobias is gonna
intro the solos. Listen...
I think you should
bring back "Pony," bro.
I could do that.
And, look, "Pony" is great.
I have... Uh, can I pitch you something?
Let me just throw something out.
I completely understand that...
I'm coming in at the eleventh hour,
and I don't want to step on toes.
But what if...
If this really is our last ride, what if we make
up some new shit and go out with a bang?
Just burn this shit down
with some new routines.
We can't do that. We got two days.
Mike, that's what we've rehearsed.
- Don't call our shit lame.
- Right. I'm not calling your shit lame.
I'm just saying that cowboys and firemen
dancing to '80s rock is not not lame.
You know what is lame? Looking like a bag of
dicks because we don't have our act straight.
Okay, point taken.
Let me ask you a question, though. Um...
You're still doing
the fireman routine, right?
- You know it.
- Have you ever wanted to be a fireman?
- A real one?
- Yes, a real fireman.
- No, I got the phobia thing.
- You have a fire phobia, okay.
- You still doing it to that KISS song?
- Fuck, yeah. "Hotter Than Hell."
- Do you like that song?
- Crushes.
I know it crushes, but do you like it?
Do you play it when you're not onstage?
- I don't see your point.
- My point is, if you don't like it, why pick it?
I didn't pick it. Dallas did.
Exactly. You didn't pick it,
so it's not on the inside.
Just because you made up some
of your own routines...
doesn't mean you get to waltz back in
and tell us how to run our own shit.
- I'm not trying to tell you...
- No!
There is no fucking universe in which
I am not doing that fireman routine!
You can find it, man.
You got to just let go, okay?
- I fucking got it!
- What?
- It's like a real wedding except like a fantasy.
- Oh, my God!
Then I go out in the crowd
and find myself a real fucking bride.
- Oh, fuck!
- And I do everything with her!
I'll have a ring and everything, and I'll
propose to her, and people throw rice.
- They're throwing rice!
- Rice out of our pants!
- You're fucking incredible!
- It's just so complex.
What are you talking about?
Yo, man, I'm not a dancer like you.
I just can't come up with shit on the spot.
It's not about being a dancer, Richie.
It's not.
Okay, look.
"Pony," that wasn't a dance routine.
All it was is I was at a party
and saw this badass girl.
She was with her boyfriend, and he did not
look like he was hitting that shit right.
So that song came on, and all I did
was imagine what I would do to her.
That was it.
That was all "Pony" ever was.
- It sounds fucking complex.
- No, it's not.
Look at you! You're a fucking Greek god.
You could tie your shoe
and make some girl's entire year.
It's just got to come from in here.
You just have to be you. I know so.
You know what? Fuck that.
I bet you can go in there right now
and fucking make her day.
- Who, her?
- Hell, yeah.
That girl looks like she never smiled
in her entire life.
Then that's your goal.
That is your goal.
Go in there and make her smile,
that's all you've got to do.
If you can't do that, no one can,
and I'll go back and do the old routines.
- Oh, fuck!
- That's a fair deal.
You're not a fireman, Richie!
You're not a fireman.
I want to hear you say that.
"I am not a fireman."
- Well, I'm not a fireman.
- You hate fire!
- I'm a fucking male entertainer.
- Exactly!
Male entertainer.
You can do it. Now go do it!
B.D.R.!
B.D.R.! B.D.R.!
- Make her day.
- Be yourself. Show that big beautiful heart.
Yeah
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way
But we
Are two worlds apart...
When you say
That I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
Am I your fire
Your one desire
Yes, I know it's too late
But I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say...
How much for the Cheetos and water?
Yeah! Whoo!
That was spiritual, man.
- I'm proud of you, buddy.
- We can do this. We can do this!
We can do this. We've got
to come up with new shit, okay?
Fucking history right here.
This shit is history. Gone.
We've got to get rid of it.
Out with the past.
I never wanted to be in the Navy!
- I don't want this Top Gun shit. Gone!
- Yeah!
Oh, baby! It's time.
That shit itched. Boom!
- Boom, that's out of here!
- Fuck that thing!
Richie? Done!
- Fireman over!
- I'm not a fireman!
- Get it out of here.
- Don't. I'll throw it away when we get back.
No, no, no. Now! It's over. History!
New stuff.
I love you guys. I... Look.
I've missed you so much.
I know we're rolling face right now, but...
I just need you to know
how much I love you.
I missed you so much, man.
There was a giant hole inside of me
created when you left.
Now I feel like it's full again.
- I love you.
- Let's sync this shit up.
We gotta sync this up.
- We're syncing up the energy.
- I fucking love you!
Give me your hands, man.
- I take it y'all motherfuckers feel that?
- Oh, yeah.
That is our energies, man.
We are connected.
Toby! Throw it back here, brother.
We need you.
- Come on, man, sync up.
- This is powerful, man!
- You feel that rhythm?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Oh, yeah.
- I love you guys!
That's our pulse.
I am so thankful we are all here
together on this last ride.
Everybody close your eyes...
and let's just appreciate it,
not as six beings, but as one.
As one. As one unit, man.
As one fucking unit.
As one. We've got to move
into the future as one.
- As one unit. Moving as one.
- The past is over!
Shit!
- Fuck!
- What the hell happened?
- Get off my fucking leg!
- Fuck!
Is everybody okay?
No, I'm not fucking okay!
I'm not okay at all!
Oh, shit. Hey, we got a man down!
- Where'd that come from?
- He hit his head there.
- Oh, shit.
- He's okay.
Your friend suffered a Grade 2 concussion
and required some stitches.
- So he's going to live?
- Yes.
He'll need to stay here for 48 hours
of observation. He's in here.
My pupils bugging out?
- Be cool.
- You think she knows?
Oh, shit, man.
Hey, Toby.
- What's up, buddy?
- Hey, bro. What's up?
- Hi, guys. I'm so fucking sorry.
- No, I shouldn't have reached for you.
- I shouldn't have closed my eyes.
- Well, that's definitely true.
Fuck, yeah. What were you thinking?
- Hey, go easy on him.
- Easy? He's fine.
Right?
Yeah, I'm fine, but the truck...
Yeah, the truck is towed.
It's going to take a few days to fix it.
I think we can afford it.
I don't know about the paint job.
It won't be original,
but I can get it close.
Are you in pain?
Yeah. They gave me something,
but it's shit.
Yeah, I'm feeling that.
- What are you doing?
- Reiki. I'm a Level 3 healer.
Oh, shit.
This fucking sucks.
No fucking M.C. No fucking whip.
No fucking costumes!
That was a brilliant idea, throwing
the costumes out the window? Stupid!
- Just chill, man.
- No, it's an omen, okay?
It's a sign.
We're exactly where we're supposed to be.
All right?
Please spare us
the fucking Gandhi routine right now!
You have so much anger, and it is all
in your heart chakra, and it's fucking toxic.
- I don't even know what that means!
- Guys, just chill.
This is the comedown from the Molly.
Get a grip.
You're goddamn right it's a comedown.
This trip's over!
All I wanted was one more fucking ride!
Is that too much to ask?
Aw.
Is Richie gonna cry because life isn't
exactly the way he wants it right now?
Oh, okay, Mr. CEO.
Why don't you take your bullshit advice
and give it to your fucking employees?
Employees? I have one employee,
and I can't even pay for his healthcare.
But I bust my ass every month
to keep it going.
So don't act like we
don't all have problems.
Whatever. I'm the one who told you
coming with us was a horrible idea.
It's been the year
of the horrible idea, man.
You want to see another horrible idea?
I got one for you.
Bam. There you go.
There's a nice,
juicy horrible idea for you.
Brooke said no?
I had my life all planned out with her.
All right? It was all perfectly set up.
I had the house, the dog,
Downton Abbey on the weekends.
I even did the proposal on the beach
with bacon...
and mimosas and pancakes and all that.
And for whatever reason
that I'll probably never understand...
she wanted something else.
So I came on this trip with you fucks
to just try to get on with it.
So I'll be damned if I'll just let it end
right here and now.
You're right.
You're goddamn right.
We can't let the train stop here.
No. We got a tsunami of dollar bills
to get to, daddy.
- We're on a mission.
- Fuck, yeah.
Look, we'll get another
M.C. Right, Tobias?
That's the energy
I'm talking about right there.
Look, we'll pick him up on the way home.
All we got to do is get a rental car.
We're not gotta need a rental car,
I don't think.
This is another horrible idea, but...
I know an M.C. in Savannah.
- Gentlemen. How can I be of service?
- Hey.
Uh, is Rome in tonight?
- Are you a member, sir?
- No.
No, we're not members.
Uh... Mm.
I used to dance here,
before it was this.
Can you do me a favor
and get my name to Rome? Mike Lane.
And if that doesn't do the trick,
I guess we'll just stop bothering you.
You can follow me.
Y'all chill down here. I'll be back.
What's up?
Sit your ass down.
Malik, I'm sorry for the surprise,
but a ghost is a ghost.
I'll see you downstairs
in a minute, okay?
So they said, "Mike Lane and company."
- Mm-hm.
- Who's your company?
It's what's left of the Kings of Tampa.
Oh, let me guess! Mr. Crocodile Dundee
done did a little Houdini act?
- Yep. Ahem. Seems so.
- Mm.
Just so you know, I got out
on my own accord three years ago.
But yet here you are.
You got my curiosity, Mike.
Floor is yours.
No, I was just in the neighborhood
and wanted to see...
if I could stop by and borrow
a cup of brown sugar.
Boy, I tell you, shit don't change, huh?
Always got to lead with a joke
before you ask for what you want.
So, what did you do, turn this place
into some sort of country club?
Guess you could say that.
You know, back in the day...
in the Roman Empire, as long
as you paid the emperor your taxes...
you could worship who you wanted,
where you wanted, how you wanted.
Freedom had a small price.
Do you know what people value
more than freedom?
- Please say strippers.
- Nope. Beauty.
So if beauty is something
you really wish to behold...
you can behold all the beauty
you want right here.
All I ask is for a little
monthly fee, you know?
So it's a subscription-based pleasure
that you're selling?
You got it.
Why don't you let me show you around?
See what we do here.
Maybe you'll learn a little something.
- How you doing, queen?
- Good.
- You feeling good? Having a good time?
- Mm-hm.
All right, Mr. Augustus, I want you to keep
taking care of this beauty, you hear me?
- Yes, ma'am.
- All right.
That was beautiful, baby, as always.
Just beautiful.
All right, ladies.
Are you having a good time tonight?
That's what I thought.
But you know
there's always a queen up in here...
who must be reminded
of how beautiful she is.
Don't be shy. Where you at?
Ooh. Boom.
There you go.
Give me your hand.
Do you know how beautiful you are?
Queens, ain't she beautiful?
You hear that? But you know what?
If you're not gonna take our word for it,
we just gonna show you. Okay?
So let me present to you...
the absolutely adorable...
Andre.
What's your name?
Caroline.
Don't be shy. That's a beautiful name.
It was my grandmother's.
What did she do?
Um, she was the first female,
black grocery owner in the state.
Strong woman.
What brings you to Domina?
Other than the obvious.
Celebrating my divorce.
And your girlfriends brought you out
to have a good time. Huh?
Good job. I'll take it from here.
Caroline...
would you mind sitting
for me right here?
That would be great.
And, um, one last thing:
What's your favorite thing?
- Alcohol.
- Alcohol.
- Heh.
- Okay. Alcohol.
I'm gonna need some crowd participation
on this one, so just follow my lead.
Yeah. Uh-uh-uh.
Okay.
Young Caroline
Give a nigga half your time
She like alcohol
But you ain't here to hear me whine
I'm looking at your backside
I'm trying to stay patient
Make that thing clap
That's a standing ovation
Grandma independent
She don't need your help
But you don't really feel that way
About yourself
That's why the name feel funny in your mouth
You don't believe it, but I can see it
And fuck that dude, he don't get you
I know you cool and I just met you
Pick you up around 8
I can come and get you
On the coast, and we ballin'
Back and forth like it's ping-pong
And you ain't got a thing on
Let me sing your theme song
Caroline
This could be something special
This love of mine
Will never let go
If I could make you mine
Oh, I'd treat you so special
Be mine
Oh, be mine
All right, I need y'all to clap
on this one.
Caroline
This could be something special
This love of mine
Could never let go
And if I make you mine
Oh, I'd treat you so special
Be mine
Why are you here?
You know, me and the guys were, uh...
We were near Savannah.
And I couldn't not see you.
Okay.
And?
Don't laugh. We're going up
to the convention and...
I don't know, we're going to have
one crazy night to put this to bed and...
I don't know,
I just thought it could be fun.
The convention?
You mean to tell me
you came all the way here...
to see me
about that bullshit convention?
No. Look, I know.
I just thought it...
presented itself as an interesting
opportunity for us to...
No, no, no.
For you maybe. What the hell
do I need a convention for?
You don't. That's not what I'm saying.
Let me finish.
No. Uh-uh. No.
I haven't talked to you for eight years
since you walked out.
Did I walk out on you? Because if I remember
correctly, I went and took a job.
When I came back,
someone wouldn't let me in the house.
Mike, what makes you think you can
come up in here after all this time...
and snap your fingers
and I'm supposed to do a favor for you?
Okay.
Maybe...
I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. I'm...
not saying that at all.
Really?
I don't need a favor from you.
Fuck the convention.
Don't... All it is...
is an excuse for us to try
to put this shit between us to bed.
That's all.
Oh, shit.
Thank you, Octavius.
Ooh. You're wonderful.
My queens, gather.
I need you. I need you.
You ever had a ghost
come to your front door?
A ghost from your past,
one that still makes you shiver?
I had one today. So I need your help.
I need you to help me...
make a decision of whether
I should leave that ghost in his grave...
or give him an opportunity
to be resurrected.
Resurrected!
Okay.
I got a little treat for y'all tonight.
It's a man I knew...
as White Chocolate.
Some might know him...
as Magic Mike.
Woo-hoo!
We're gonna see if he's still got
some magic in that Mike.
Hello, beautiful.
You down for a little fun tonight?
- Yes.
- All right. Have a seat.
Mike?
- Come on, let's not do this.
- Ah.
- Mm.
- Mm-mm.
Malik?
I'm gon' make you feel it...
Come on, man. You got this.
Yeah, come on!
Yeah, baby! Yeah, Mike!
I'm gon' make you feel it
I'm gon' make you feel it
I'm gon' make you feel it...
Yeah.
Show them how it's done, Mikey!
Sweating while you callin' me daddy
Giving you the best you ever had, babe
Make me feel like you ain't ever had it
Stretching you out like you are elastic
Turn around,
poke it out so I can grab it
Flip that ass over
like we in gymnastics...
Baby, tell me that you want it deeper
I don't ever wanna come out
Put you in a coma, you're a sleeper
I know that your body's been drowsed
I'm gon' make you feel it
I'm gon' make you feel it
Tell me, do you wanna be bad
Tell me, do you wanna be bad, babe
With the shots, pow-pow
You bust off like an UZI
Think I'm gonna need another mat, babe
Back that ass up on me like I'm juvie...
It's going down, turn around
Let me feel yo booty
I'm a private in your parts
I'm at duty
Girl, give it to me
Baby, you remind me of my jeep-er
The way you body's bouncing up and down
Feels like a tsunami or Katrina...
I'm gon' make you feel it...
So seeing as though
you are leaving again...
I have Andre over here to take care of you.
He'll take you wherever you want to go.
We got to get on the road.
This was, uh... This was fun.
Whatever, I guess, that this was.
- It was good seeing you.
- Likewise.
So...
what was that?
Y'all used to dance together?
Uh... Yeah. Look, it's a...
It's a long, long story, but, uh...
Rome and I met each other at a very
interesting time in our lives and...
I guess you could say
that we had a thing.
- Yeah.
- For real, man.
- I'd say you had a thing.
- Yeah, well...
until I, uh, went to work
with Dallas. Yeah.
So is she going to come
help us, or what?
No.
No, I don't think
that's going to actually happen.
Rome likes to stay in her castle.
That's why she built it.
So I'm getting on 95 North, right?
Yeah. It's just outside of Charleston.
She texted me the address.
I'll tell you when we get closer.
- You need a copilot?
- Yes, please.
That was insane tonight, man.
- Thanks.
- I'm serious, dude.
- It was a good night.
- Your stuff is revolutionary.
- Sometimes the songs are a little...
- No, it was perfect. Are you kidding me?
- I appreciate that.
- You just made that up on the spot.
Rome likes us to put our passion
in our work.
Well, it shows.
I've never seen anything like that.
Are you doing anything else
with your music?
I'm trying. I put it up online.
Hopefully it'll spread
through social media, but...
honestly, with this E.P.
coming out, it's...
- Cool, man.
- It's hard to get people to pay attention.
Because there's so much shit
that comes on the Internet every day.
I just want to stay authentic.
At least you're trying, man.
At least you're trying.
That's why I moved down to Florida
back in the day, to do music stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I sang in "Dream Along With Mickey"
at Disney World from '03 to '05.
- What?
- Yeah, man.
I started out as the Donald Duck understudy,
but I was playing Mickey by my second year.
I got signed by an agent, booked
a couple regional commercial spots.
One day I heard an ad
on the radio looking for dancers.
And you know how that shit goes, so...
Heh-heh.
When I started this, I thought...
man, I thought I'd hate it.
But now, if the E.P. blew up tomorrow...
I'd probably still do this on the side.
- I'm serious.
- You're shitting me.
Do you see how many girls
I meet every day? For free?
For free! I don't got to pay for dinner.
All I do is sing.
Think about that.
These girls have to deal with men
in their lives every day who...
don't listen to them,
don't ask them what they want.
They don't even ask them what they want!
All we got to do is ask them
what they want.
And when they tell you,
it's a beautiful thing.
We're like healers or something.
Yes, man.
- Fuck, yes!
- We are.
- That's right.
- We're healers.
We're healers, man.
We can be. We can be.
I like that.
- Thanks for the ride.
- No problem.
- Good talking to you. Safe home.
- Look us up when you get back.
You sure this is the place?
I'm positive. She said it,
and I got the text.
Looks like somebody hooked up
with a trust fund baby!
I just hit her with her favorite flavor,
baby, and we're living large.
Megan?
Hello?
Megan?
There's some law of attraction
going on here.
Megan! It's Tito! Hey!
Oh, shit.
Who are you?
- Just, uh, friends of Megan.
- Ah.
Is Megan here?
My daughter and her friends are outside.
Who are you?
Oh, you're having a party.
We'll just go out. Megan is back this way?
You hold on.
Y'all can't just walk in my house...
like strangers
without having a hello drink.
You come on now and have a seat.
What you want? You want red?
You want white?
We got whiskey. We got shine.
Y'all get some. Ha-ha.
How about we start with wine
and end with shine?
- I like that rule.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Why don't you come sit right here?
Come on.
- Oh, shit!
- Thank you so much.
It smells good.
- Well, cheers!
- All right. Cheers.
Eye contact.
Thank you for your hospitality, ma'am.
Quit that proper shit!
You sound just like my ex.
What are your names?
I'm Mike. This is Tito, Ken, Richie...
Uh...
- Ernest.
- Ernest. Ernest.
Well, I'm Nancy.
And this is Mae, Julia,
Diane and Jessica.
- Hey. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Y'all don't look like
you're from around here.
We're from Miami.
- Florida.
- Yeah.
There's one in Ohio, dude.
Just passing through on our way
to Myrtle Beach.
- Oh! Myrtle Beach!
- Redneck Riviera.
Y'all should try Kiawah instead.
- Oh, yeah, I heard that's real nice, ma'am.
- "Oh, yeah, I heard that's real nice, ma'am."
- Listen to him!
- Is that what I sound like?
You're good!
Damn.
Don't think I don't know
what you're doing here with those girls.
How do y'all know my daughter?
We just met her in Jacksonville at a...
- It was a bar.
- A bar!
Well, that's my daughter.
Always making new friends!
So, what do y'all do?
- We are...
- I, uh...
Hey! How are you?
- Hey.
- Hi.
- There you are.
- Hi. What are y'all talking about?
The boys are just about to tell us
what they do for a living.
Mm-hm. We, uh...
- Well, I have my own furniture company.
- Yeah.
Tito here is into yogurt.
Frozen yogurt. Artisanal.
Ken is a budding actor and, uh...
Level 3 Reiki healer.
So if you need any work done, uh...
Ernie is an artist. He's a painter.
Mom, they're male strippers.
Now that makes sense.
Why didn't you say so
in the first place?
- It's fucking awkward to do that!
- This is fucked up.
Enough with that fucking language!
My God, I don't think I've ever had
a real live stripper in my house before.
- You have now.
- Well, actually...
- ...the technical term is male entertainer.
- Oh, my.
Mom, they're not here for that.
They're just friends.
Of course not.
Diana, go down and grab us
some more vino.
No, no! Don't you worry, I got this.
I'll reload, Nancy.
Okay, baby. Just get anything
that looks expensive.
As much of the good stuff
as your little arms can carry.
You got it.
I got arms. I'll help.
Are you Native American, Tito?
Yes, on my mother's side.
Really, I've got it. Thanks, though.
Oh, you do not have it.
By what I just saw up there, we are going
to need a fucking pack mule...
to water that bunch. So I don't know...
let's fucking do this.
I thought you were supposed
to be in New York, by the way.
Oh, wait, is that not
where we are? Whoa.
Hmm?
I changed my mind.
Does that mean you are gonna be
on the pole or not? Because...
"Dolly Titz on the main stage,
coming up for you, boys.
Get your dollar bills out and let's brighten
her day" sounds awesome to me.
Ha, ha.
Nice callback, Clitoria.
It's low-hanging fruit.
I can't help myself.
What's the plan now?
- Currently?
- Yep.
Find the perfect dynamite
for that powder keg upstairs and...
watch it blow.
Okay.
What are we looking for?
Something old and expensive.
To fit in upstairs.
Cool.
They all look the same to me.
Racist.
- Hmm?
- 1959 Château Lafite. That'll do.
You see, what I hear is that guy
isn't taking care of his own shit.
How are you going to expect your lady to
trim the hedges, if you're not willing to...
prune the tree?
I have a three-day max growth rule.
- Really?
- Abso-fucking-lutely, ma'am.
- Wow.
- Pardon my language.
- Oh, please.
- We got wine!
- A basket full of wine!
- We got a basket of wine.
You are missing out
on some husband tales in here.
Or ex-husband tales.
Julia and I are trying to lure
Mae and Diana over to the dark side.
Use the Force, Nance.
Come on, Mae, it's your turn.
Come on, Mae.
Come on, Mae, we know it ain't
all peaches and roses in that bedroom.
Cone of Silence here.
Fine. I'll go then.
Ugh. Here's a whopper for you.
- Here we go.
- Roger's the only man I've ever slept with.
- Terrible.
- Then you are going to get more wine.
Yeah.
I lost my virginity to him when I was 17,
and that was that.
Two beautiful daughters...
but only one penis
my entire fucking life.
Sadly, I was too naive to recognize
that he was a gay man.
Mom, you don't know that.
I knew enough. I knew he liked it
when I put my fing...
Mom! I don't want to hear that.
- Well, you need to!
- It's not so terrible.
Because I pissed away
all of this on one man.
And you are not going
to make the same mistake.
- Got it.
- That's why I tell these girls...
to play the field.
And don't stop until
you find one that...
rocks your fucking socks off!
- My motto.
- Hear, hear! Ha-ha-ha.
Well, you know, Nancy,
that plays both ways.
I think I've had as good
a run as anybody.
But I'd trade it all in a heartbeat
to come home to a wife, a kid...
people that love me.
That hole is never going to be filled.
That ship fucking sailed.
Wow.
I...
- I think my soul just died a little bit.
- I love you, Ernie.
Well, Hank and I have never had sex
with the lights on.
What?
Every time it starts,
he just goes and turns them off.
And I try to drop hints, but, uh...
Maybe it's me, I don't know.
Come on. Never once?
Never.
He's not showing you
how beautiful you are.
You're gorgeous. You know that, right?
She's gorgeous, right?
I'm not just talking about the paint job.
I'm not talking about this vessel.
I'm talking about what's inside you.
I read energy in my work,
and yours is...
pure and sweet...
and loving and nurturing.
Talk to him. If he won't worship you,
there's a lot of guys out there who will.
And the line starts here.
- Winds around this room too.
- Absolutely.
You know that, right?
Good. No, don't get shy on me.
I want to hear you say it.
Own it.
I don't know what to say to him.
Tell him what your fantasy is.
And make sure he does it with the lights on.
If he doesn't,
then y'all have a serious problem.
Well, I, um...
When we were in college
and falling in love...
we used to listen to that song "Heaven."
Oh, shit! Yes!
I love that song.
Oh thinkin' about all our younger years
- Yeah.
- Come on.
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
- Will you hold this for me?
- Come on.
Now nothin' can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more
Baby, you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
- Come on, boys.
- Yeah.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
Do you feel good?
- That's wonderful!
- Whoa!
I don't think Hank can do that.
Doctor's in the house, baby.
The doctor has checked into the building!
Oh, thank you.
Yeah! Fuck, Ken!
- Whoo!
- What the fuck?
Y'all know that was my audition song.
Yeah, it was one of them.
It's awesome.
Oh, God, I just love this fucking night!
I love it!
I wish we had known you guys
back in our day, you know?
Well, I'd say it's still
your day, ma'am.
Thank you, Richie.
Stand up.
- Oh, no.
- Come on, stand up.
Oh, my God, just look at you.
You are just perfect.
Damn!
Oh, God.
Oh, damn, look at you.
I hate to be rude, but...
You want to pop the hood.
Okay.
Oh, my God!
- Mom!
- Oh, please!
Of course, you're eating cake
by yourself when...
the fireworks are about to go off in there.
This isn't concerning at all.
What can I say? I like cake.
Do you have any idea
what's going on out there?
A lady is about to get...
I don't even know
how to put it into words.
No, I'm a cookie guy.
What?
- Yeah.
- It's red fucking velvet.
I would take a pack of Oreos
over that bullshit any day of the week.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing's wrong. Cookies are awesome.
I don't think we have anything
to say to one another.
If you don't want to talk about it...
I don't know if it's about New York,
but I intuit it might be...
I'm going to start hiding
the kitchen knives in a minute.
Seriously, it is that obvious.
What's up?
I met a photographer in Miami
at this party I was working at.
He was nice and married and all of that.
Took a look at my photos
and said I had an eye.
Offered me a job right there
on the spot as his assistant.
That's cool. Did he offer
a place for you to stay as well...
that happened to be his house
when his wife was away?
That...? Yeah.
Wait, were you there?
I was there, but in drag.
You wouldn't have recognized me.
- Mm.
- But I just want to throw this out there.
Um, this might be God's way of giving you
a second chance at Myrtle Beach.
Mm. Any God worth believing in certainly
sends you dudes in thongs when in need.
Or she just knows
that some asshole in Miami...
- She?
- Yes, my God is a she. Um...
She just might know that...
some asshole in Miami stole your smile,
and you need it back.
And I can guarantee you
that strippers...
will give smiles a-plenty
and make you forget about New York.
And if that doesn't work,
then there will be 3000 women there...
seeing as you're not in a boy phase.
- That was quite a pitch.
- Mmm.
When shit's not going your way, getting
a little crazy with some random friends...
has a way of helping you
sort out your own shit.
So I'm your friend now?
You've seen me pee. I don't know anyone
that's not my friend that's seen me pee.
Fair enough.
Look, I don't normally
trust a cookie guy...
but I'll think about it.
That's valid.
All right. You think about it, Dolly. I'm
going back in there and feed the wolves...
because it's getting
a little rabid in there. All right?
It's Zoe, by the way.
Zoe. Nice to meet you.
Magic. Magic Mike.
Morning, gentlemen.
- Morning.
- Hey, buddy.
- Everyone sleep all right?
- Yeah.
You boys have fun.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mm.
Did you bangee?
Did you bangee?
- Yes.
- You banged her?
Was she the glass slipper?
Yes, man!
That beautiful nice lady
was the glass slipper?
- Hold it. Every inch?
- Wow.
Y'all had a crazy connection.
I could feel it.
I'm so happy for you.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- What?
You got to be kidding me.
You got to be fucking joking.
- This is us?
- It was the ex-husband's.
She didn't care what shape I brought it
back in, as long as I brought it back.
Didn't realize she'd actually
been married to Shawn Kemp.
- Pimping!
- Sweet!
Beautiful piece of machinery.
Holy shit!
We're gonna kill on the strip in Myrtle.
This is gonna kill.
Gentlemen, welcome.
We've been expecting you.
Mrs. Davidson called ahead, upgraded your
rooms and booked you our conference space.
- Oh. What's up, Mrs. Davidson?
- Yeah.
I know what was up Mrs. Davidson!
That's sick, man.
- No! Get out of here!
- Come on, man.
So you think it's okay to have me wait
for you for two hours.
It's not okay,
but someone should've told me.
- Don't say I never did anything for you.
- I ain't never gonna say that, I promise you.
- Look at this.
- What's up?
- How you doing, Rome?
- What's up, man?
- So 3000 women, man?
- Three thousand women. You got some ideas?
- Yeah, I got some ideas.
- They ain't ready for you.
They ain't ready for us.
Good night.
- Good night, y'all.
- Later, guys.
Where is your yogurt now, man?
I'm starving.
Yeah.
You really think it's going to work?
You think I can pull this off?
- What, the yogurt truck?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Man, I hope so. I hope I can keep it afloat.
Because nothing...
feels that good.
Other than being onstage.
But that's why it's going to work.
You love it too much.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It's not gonna be easy.
If you want, on the way back down,
I'll go over everything you got.
We'll go through it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- That'd be cool, man.
- Heh-heh.
You know, I get why you left.
I'm just glad you're back.
All right, Hypnotize.
Make sure you see sound and lighting.
They'll hook you up.
Go on, make some money.
Give him a locker key.
Next!
Paris?
Holy fucking shit. Heh.
- What are y'all doing here?
- Hi.
- Give your mama some sugar!
- How are you? How are you?
- They always come back.
- Mm-hm.
I am great. I'm a little confused, because
Dallas didn't let me know y'all were coming.
- Where is he?
- Dallas is not coming. It's just us.
- Baby, I don't have a spot for you.
- You got a spot, come on.
Honey, you know how this works.
You're not special.
Especially you. You've been out!
How long?
- Don't worry about it.
- A couple years?
- You can find us a spot.
- You've not been dancing. Look at you.
- Are you even in shape?
- It's like riding a bike.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm.
I don't know.
Who's this? Big Dumb Rick?
How you doing?
- It's "dick."
- Okay.
- So you don't have an M.C.
- We do have an M.C.
You don't have an M.C.
What am I supposed to do?
We do have an M.C.
Hey, gorgeous.
- Shut the fuck up.
Mm-hm.
Hey. How you been?
- How have you been?
- Good.
So you got a spot for us?
This girl taught me everything I know.
Who is at 10:20? Bumper Grinders?
All right.
For her.
- 10:20.
- That's why I love you.
That's a money spot. I expect y'all
to make some money in that spot.
Thank you.
- How are the knees?
- Rotten.
Yeah? You good?
To tell you the truth, I haven't felt
this nervous since Desert Storm.
What?
How have I known you this long and
I don't know that you were in Desert Storm?
Just never came up.
Look, I don't know, me and you,
we haven't really...
had a chance to have our moment.
Are we good?
You know, Mike, when I called you...
I didn't call to fuck with you.
I called because I missed you, man.
Read my fangs.
Let her make her own decisions.
- Whatever.
- Chill, guys!
I fucked Bella!
Shit.
- Who's killing it out there?
- Fucking vampire bullshit!
Did you guys see this? They're doing
a fucking Twilight routine and mopping up.
All those tweeners are growing up.
Makes perfect sense.
- That's true.
- Yep.
Well...
- Dude, I just don't want to fuck this up.
- You're not going to fuck this up.
And on the off chance that we actually
go out and shit the bed, who cares?
- Don't say that.
- Why? Fuck it.
Look, I love you guys.
This trip has been ridiculous and amazing.
So please do not make me give the whole:
"It's not about how we go out there and do it,
it's about getting to do it together" speech...
that I just gave you.
Okay.
Richie, what are you?
You're not a fireman.
What are you?
I'm a...
male entertainer.
Oh, yeah. What are we?
- Male entertainers.
- Come on, get it in.
Hey! Hold that up!
It's not bro time, it's show time.
Are you guys ready?
- Yeah, we're ready.
- All right, let's do this.
Ready? One, two, three.
Male entertainers.
We're strippers. We're strippers.
Whoa! Yes, give it up!
Oh, Men of Steel
in the Twilight routine!
Oh, that was hot!
Can I hear y'all say "hot"?
- Hot!
- Whoo!
That's a nice Southern welcome.
All right.
Now, I know this is not a competition...
but y'all are gonna go home
with your favorites tonight.
One of my all-time favorites...
is making an appearance on this stage
after a little while away.
Magical little dancer.
He's been gone a little while,
but he's back.
He has hooked up
with the devil himself...
and he is back tonight
with those friends...
to entertain your beautiful selves.
Here they are.
Reserrection!
Good evening, friends.
This is what you came here for.
Liftoff in five, four,
three, two, one...
Ignition.
Hold this.
Just wait until you see
what we got coming up.
Did you like that, ladies?
Was it good to you?
Well, just so you know, my name is Rome.
I'll be your M.C. tonight.
Now, ladies, do you mind if I refer
to you all as queens?
Because every last one of you up in here
is a queen and don't you ever forget it!
Now, with that being said...
are you ready to be worshiped?
Are you ready to be exalted?
Are you ready to meet
a special kind of beast...
that can bring
all the beauty out in you?
Well, without further ado,
we have our first king tonight.
Tarzan.
I don't know about you, queens...
but I'd let that beast throw
whatever he wanted on me any day!
You know how the alchemy of opposites
can be so satisfying?
Have a little bit of cold
with a little bit of hot.
Have a little bit of yes
with a little bit of no.
And you know how we like our kings to be
really, really sweet and really, really...
hard all at the same time.
Yes, Lord.
I introduce to you our candy king.
Tito!
So seductive
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Go ahead girl, don't you stop
Keep going till you hit the spot
I'll take you to the candy shop
Boy one taste of what I got
I'll have you spending all you got
Keep going till you hit the spot
You can have it your way
Now, queens, wasn't that a tasty treat?
You know, past those closed doors don't you
get tired of everybody trying to tell you...
what is a "good woman"?
How a good woman talks?
How a good woman should be sexed?
Sometimes you just want somebody
to ask you what you want and just...
give it to you just like that.
And then whisper in your ear,
"How does it feel?"
I got the king for you, ladies.
King Ken!
Girl, it's all on you
Have it your way
And if you want, you can decide
And if you'll have me
I can provide
Everything that you desire
If you get a feeling
Feeling that I am feeling, baby
Won't you come closer, closer
To me, baby?
Mmm, then you've already got me
Right where you want me, baby
And I
I just want to be your man
How does it feel, baby?
I wanna know
How does it feel?
I wanna know
How does it feel, baby?
Let me take off your clothes
And now
How does it
How does it
Let me show you
What I'm talking about, baby
How does it feel, baby?
Yeah, yeah
How does it feel, baby? Yeah
I wanna know
How does
How does it feel?
Y'all give it up for my boy Ken
right now, with the pipes.
Y'all ladies hear those high notes?
But now on to a more serious subject.
Dearly beloved...
we are gathered here in the presence
of every male entertainer in the hemisphere.
Y'all do this every year,
and every year you do it well.
You do it well, that hide and seek,
that don't go tell...
It's okay, you can touch.
...that every woman
in this room deserves.
And simply because there are
so many of you, and so few of us...
there is something we simply can't give.
But we're gonna try to tonight.
Because everybody deserves just...
a little commitment.
It's a beautiful night
We're looking for something dumb to do
Hey, baby
I think I wanna marry you
Is it the look in your eyes
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares, baby
I think I wanna marry you
Well, I know a little chapel...
No one will know
Come on, girl
Who cares if we're trashed
Got a pocket full of cash we can blow
Shots of Patrón
And it's on, girl
You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me...
Help me
I've got no soul to sell
Help me
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you...
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Marry me!
Ravage me! Please! What?
All right, let's slow it down, ladies.
We got some serious things
to talk about right now!
All right, is there anybody
up in here...
that ain't on birth control?
Oh, no. I'm keeping it real
with you, ladies.
Because there's about to be
some grown-woman shit up in here tonight!
So if you ain't
on birth control, we have...
illuminated exit signs
to your left and your right.
All right?
But I'm looking
for two grown-ass women...
to deal with these grown-ass men
coming to the stage.
What?
Ungh.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
I see me a beauty queen right here.
Zoe. I heard about you.
I heard you real grown with it.
Come here.
Don't be scared.
Give her some encouragement, queens.
Come on, let's not hate.
I know we wish it was us tonight,
but it's her.
She's the lucky one.
She's the lucky one!
What? Yeah.
All right, beautiful, have a seat.
Don't worry. You're going
to be well taken care of, I promise.
These two don't need an introduction.
Here we are all alone
You and me, privacy
And we can do anything
Your fantasy
I wanna make your dreams come true
Can you hear?
She's calling me
Between your legs
Loud and clear
I wanna talk back to her
Make love to her
I wanna hear you scream my name...
I'm kissing you
Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway
Making love away beside the stairs
We can do it anywhere
Early in the morning's
when I think about you
I hit you like what you sayin'
And the morning's when I wanna **** you
Yeah, I hit you like what you sayin'
I could **** you all the time...
Face time on the go
She gave me dome from the distance
She love to climb on top
But she love to walk off limping...
Cookie, cookie, cookie,
I'm a cookie monster
Break your back,
crack it open like a lobster
I kill the pussy, dig a
Grave
She grab the wood like grippin'
Grain
I told her put it in my face
Let it rain, let it rain
Girl I got a sweet tooth
Ain't nothin' sweeter than you
I'm-a eat it up, beat it up
Till you holler out truce
My bed could be your stage
And I'm-a make you a star
Your legs in the air and my hands all up
In your cookie jar, like mmm
Like an Oreo
I love to lick the middle like an Oreo
Turn it up
Oreo, Oreo, like an Oreo
I wanna bite it and get inside it
Till I get you gone
Wanna know how I get down?
Wanna know how I get down?
You wonder how I'm the best
And how I can do all this with my mouth?
Wanna know how I get down?
Wanna know how I get down?
I see somebody got their smile back!
I did.