Mafiaen - det er osse mig! (1974) - full transcript

Con-man "Viffer" is now involved with the mafia, but when the mob boss Don Luigi wants him married to his appalling daughter, he runs off, with even the heist from a big con act.


(scolds in Italian)

(from the house a woman
is heard practicing singing)

Now we have again forgotten
to give the prefect a salary.

I think my cashier
has lived long enough.

It's not my fault.

(the girl starts to cry)

Bambina mia, sorry.

Can you forgive Grandpa?
Poor little doll.

Buy a new head for the doll.

Viktorio Viffer Hansen.

- Congratulations.
- All the money.

9 million for the tower.
Americano. Disney-lando.

9 million, even
though it is extortion.

They promised us the
money upon delivery.

Up and stand.

- Elvira, my dear.
- You know I do not want to be disturbed.

See, my girl, what
father has for you.

May I introduce my beautiful
daughter, Donna Elvira.

Donna Wetter...

(the children play gangsters)

The dear children...

I have considered a
significant place for the family...

- Don Luigi, an idea.
- It's just a small matter.

I owe it to my fatherland to
get a high sum for this tower.

Now it's about twisting yourself.

Will you explain to Sheikh Abdul
that the Prime Minister could not come.

But he looks forward to greeting
Sheikh Abdul when the deal is in order.

As you will have noticed,
it is an excellent quality.

No slobby work!
As the Prime Minister said to me:

This tower will stand in
Buwait for 1,000 years.

Sheik Abdul, hello! This way!

From this tower, the sheik will
have a good overview of its oil towers.

It is with pain that we
part with this fine old tower.

- They said 10 million dollars?
- Yes, it was found for the money.

- Does the young lady follow in the price?
- It can without a doubt be arranged.

(City Hall bells ring)

(messing voices)

The young lady will be delivered to
your hotel, she needed to get dry clothes first.

The sheikh to gladly hand over
the money to the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister looks forward to the
meeting with the greatest... expectation.

The Prime Minister is waiting
at the over-mayor's office.

We deliver the tower in 3,000 boxes,
shipped from the free port in mid-July.

Yes, careful. If you want to
give Sheikh Abdul some support, -

- then I have to take
the bag in the meantime.

(angry voices)

Turn left here.

(a police car with an
emergency call is heard)

It was 2 fools who said they
had bought the Round Tower.

- And it was...
- 10 million dollars with the loose.

Congratulations, Viktore.

Now await the great reward
from our dear Godfather.

- How much?
- The best Don Luigi owns.

Don Luigi has left me to say he
will give you his daughter's hand.

And the rest of the daughter
... is she coming along?

Donna Elvira in person.
Don Luigi's own bambina.

- They're overwhelmed?
- Yes.

Don Luigi has only
this one bambina.

- 3 times he has married her.
- And divorced her again?

Our Godfather is a
good Catholic man.

He separates no one, no.
All of Donna Elvira's men are dead.

Yes, where there is trade that is wasted.
And now off to Rome.

- Machine run first in 4 hours.
- I've got to see a un-monkified...

Money bag stay here... in safety
for departure. We meet at the airport.

Yes, that's probably best.

Hey, Viktor!

Good day, Valde.

- What are you doing these days?
- A little small business.

I just sold Round Tower.
Get it out of the machine.

- And grab your $100 cliché.
- I have promising the church magazine finished.

- (the sound of chatter)
- Do you have a lady visit?

It's Poppe.
How much do you need?

10 mill dollars. In large banknotes.
In the suitcase here.

Can't use the 1,000-Mark cliché?

- No, 100-dollar bills.
- Okay.

It will be fine work.
Not made better in Horsens penitentiary.

- Are you in bad company again?
- That's what Mom always said.

- Then we meet at the airport as agreed.
- You can count on me.

- How much do you need for it?
- Yes, 10 million dollars...

It will be 350 crowns, Viktor.

- 350 crowns!
- Then it's even without VAT.

Everything is rising.
I get 450 for the ward magazine.

But this is meaningful work.

- And a taxi to the airport.
- Take the bus.

- Be careful with your beautiful habits.
- Maybe you'm right, Viktor.

I have always been
happy to work for you.

My greetings to Donna Elvira
and our dear Godfather, Don Luigi.

Excuse me, I'm
terribly retarded.

Shall we not let the poor
retarded lord pass by?

Thank you, lady...

Thank you.


- Viktore, my beloved.
- Elvira has a little surprise.

She is a surprise in itself.

She's learned your
terrible language, Viktorio.

I want to sing my happiness out.

I will not stand in the
way of this pure happiness.

I will sing for you so you
will never forget it again.

I want to sing the one I sang
at my first husband's funeral.


(Donna Elvira sings)

Will you turn my page?

He died of fungal poisoning.


Robertino, do
not disturb mother.

Do you need a
penny from grandpa?

This one I sang for my
other husband's funeral.

He exploded in his car.

Bum... bum... bum...!

- Why the hell is Robertino crying?
- Robertino says it's fake.

- He said I sang falsely.
- How could he?

Donna, sing for me.

Victor! My big Viktore!

- Dad!
- Bambina, calm.

He was just about to catch a plane.


Come on, Benny!

Isn't that my good
old buddy Benny?

How are you, Benny?

You're sitting here with your flyer-juice.
Be well.

You've always been good to me.

Olfert, what are we going to do here
at this time?

Shut up, Dafne! Businesses.

Huge business.

We take whiskey and
cigarettes home from Poland.

Did I buy a mansion to
make it look like a pigsty?

- The work must be taken care of, Olfert.
- There will be nice guests.

Get some bulbs in that chandelier!
And gwet rid of the rest of your shit!

Stop it, Olfert.

- Hello.
- Salam aleikum.

It is not about the 10 million, but
about redress for Sheikh Abdul.

That's damn exciting, Olfert.

Tell Sheikh Abdul that it
is not so straightforward.

That case stinks far away of
Viktor Viffer. He's inside the mafia.

- Sheik Abdul...
- (speaks Arabic)

- The sheikh is not afraid of the mafia.
- Why does he not go to the police?

The Danish police have
insulted Sheikh Abdul by arresting him.

The police order nothing
but to fool themselves. What I live from.

He will give you 2 million dollars
if you provide him with redress.

Say yes, Olfert.
I miss so much.

- 2 mio dollars...
- Julius, come a minute!

It's Julius.
We call him the Herring Shark.

6 men in Koge Bay...

(it drips)

There is quality in Julius.

- What the hell is that?
- The people are taking a bath.

That's damn crap!

I'm taking 2 of my best people with me.

Just get Trigger...
Trigger is American, veteran.

- From the Civil War?
- No, the gang wars. Chicago.

Is there an opportunity to
buy the young beautiful lady?

- No... she's not for sale.
- you know nothing about that.

- Hi, Olfert.
- It's Trigger.

I could not find Trigger.

What was it he
wanted to pay for me?

Viktor, can you not do something with the money?
Hide, travel away or use them?

- Use them?
- I can not snatch the Italians.

Viktor, if those mafia
people get on your trail...

Take it easy, Valde.

I'm moving into the Hotel
Sheraton until it's all over.

- That's where the sheik lives.
- There they will not look for me.

Here we part.
You know where you're going, Julius.


Trigger, you're staying
next to Sheikh Abdul, -

- as a businessman interested
in art on the black market.

And Trigger? Grab a used cart.

- Do you have dollars?
- Yeah.

Where can I buy a
fast second hand car?

One moment, please.

Miss? My television is locked.

- Now I'll be there.
- Thanks.


The gentleman who called for a
used wagon, does he live here?

- I think he's at the bar.
- Thank you.

Sob... sobs.

- Can I help the lady?
- Nobody can.

- But maybe you can comfort me.
- Sure.

If anyone's bothered the
lady, then I'm at your service.

If it was just that...

It's about my poor husband.

He is ill in South America.
And I must go down there right away, -

- to have time to give
him one last goodbye.

And now all that needs to be fixed first.
The car for example, what about it?

Did you say the car, madam?

30,000 for an almost new wagon.
It is a find.

Thanks. I trust you.

Here is my business card if there is ever anything.

Get away, you fool!


(police sirens)

- Julius, is that you?
- Well, Valde...

It's a long time ago.
Was it not in Horsens in '64?

The settlements in '67.
Where's Viffer?

I have also asked
myself this many times.

- He lives here. Out with it!
- Valde, Valde...

- Who is it?
- It's just Poppe.

- Are you in bad company again?
- Yes.

Julius, I'm innocent.

I count to 10. If you do not
say anything before, then...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

What have I done though?
Pastor Lorentzen's lovely article.

It's called "Love each other".

- Who is the unattractive man?
- I've never seen him before.

It's not company for you.
He must have a strong head.

I'm waiting to get the magazine on Tuesday.

- Who is it, Valde?
- Marguerita de la Bonafide.

Sir. Morning Star is hitting
my genealogy register.

It would have pleased her that
you have such nice customers.

Yes, it's the Herring Shark, Viktor.

Are you letting him lie there?

Olfert's gang is on its way,
and Trigger is coming soon.

Trigger is neutralized.
Help me with him there.

When the police tell
you two to refer to me, -

Emilio Costello, a
respected art dealer, -

- then I say to myself, I
refuse, do not know you.

But then I think: No, Danish
police do not fuck people.

Danish prison luxury pension,
recreatione, delicatessen, amore.

Then I say to myself:

Danish prison too
good for the 2 bastards.

They can be put in boxes and sent
to our dear Godfather. Understand?

But only when they
have found Viktore Viffer, -

- and 10 million dollars. Understand?

Here! You better get it all.

Do not save one for consumption?

I manage with the
Youth Education Fund.

Sleeping bag, dough, guitar.

Take care of it.
It belongs to the church's boys' choir.

(there is complete silence)

- Stop that spectacle!
- How mad are you, Olfert.

- What are we sitting here for?
- We're waiting for the 2 idiots.

Preferably with Viktor Viffer.
Preferably with the 10 million dollars.

Does it last a long time?

They should have
been here 8 hours ago.

Halloo! Mmm.... mmm.

- It fits too.
- Is that Julius?

One moment...
Olfert, this is a lady.

And what else, madam? No, no.

Olfert? It's a lady
named Mrs. Jørgensen.

She just moved in at
Brøndby Beach yesterday.

When they came with the couch,
who do you think was lying on it?

- Who was it then?
- The herring shark.

One named Julius Andersen.
And he has hit his head.

Hello, madam? He holds enough.
He's so thick-headed.

Many thanks, madam, and goodbye.

If I understand what the Herring
Shark is going to do at Brøndby Beach.

- (the phone rings)
- Yes?

Olfert, I have to hurry.

- Does the name Eddie Brown mean anything to you?
- It's Trigger!

He is brought in for stealing a
cart and weapons possession.

- Is Trigger also at Brøndby Beach?
- Shut up!

Where the hell is Viktor Viffer?
And the 10 million?

Where the hell am I?
Surrounded by power idiots!

Why the hell have they not put
themselves in the ass of the mafia like I told them?

Look upstairs.

- (the parrot screams)
- Just a bird.

- It was there... the bag.
- Then we must have mounted it here.

Quick, up with it!

Trigger, could you
not hurry a little?

I should be to the
hairdresser in half an hour.

Look upstairs.

- Julius, it's up there.
- Have you seen if the money is in it?

- Trigger jumped in the air.
- I had no idea he was so sporty.

Well, then you found it.

Good boys!

Shut up man and stop up.

To towing it is something

the one who bothers to take a
job he has a damn bang on the lid

the one who bothers to take a
job he has a damn bang on the lid

down with those with neat
homes in civic association

up the ass with all those
who do not have my opinion

up the ass with all those
who do not have my opinion

hope it is light green empty
just someone else's pockets

life becomes so fucking beautiful
when the revolution comes

life becomes so fucking beautiful
when the revolution comes.

Pist, pist...

They're on the track, Viktor.
They have been after me for several days.

- They've ruined my home, Viktor.
- Valde, take it easy.

If you do not believe in me,
then you can see over there.

And there.

- Are they in front or behind?
- Who?

- Is there still someone behind us?
- No, in front!

There's the mafia.

Ecco to Dad.
Unidentified object approaching.

Ready for firing!

- Hello, ma'am.
- Miss.

A mocha with a snail.
No... gallop pretzel.

It's this way, miss.

In a little while a lady becomes very ill.
Maybe she's dying.

Now, Viktor Viffer, we are not
going to come forward, are we?

(music from inside the house)

And 1 and 2, and 1,2,3...

Stop! Come here, little one.

and 1 and 2 and 1, 2, 3...

A gentleman!
Come on, you there.

Over again! And 1 and 2 and...

More hip contact.

Stop. Now we'll show you
what real tango looks like.

Hello, From there.
The lady who was called about, -

- it is me.

Take them down to the kitchen.
Nothing must be wasted.

The Adams apple slightly raised.

It is not me.
This is Chief Physician Brixe.

They are brought to the County
Hospital in women's clothing -

- and with memory loss.

- When did it start?
- Which one?

But you mean to
remember your name?

It strikes me that...

... the name is... Balle. (buttocks)

And the first name?

- Brother.
- Yes?

But at school, they
called me Sister.

That is, my little mother
always said Brother!

They were found
without personal papers.

But I have a cousin
who can quickly make...

... a cousin who might
be able to get some.

You begin to remember
your loved ones.

Their cousin's name is...

Other family?
Wife... children?



- Yes, Brother...
- Balle.

We now know that you have
been here for a long time -

- in a state of...

How should I put it?
... Soul excitement.

I think we should lie
down, ms Mortensen.

- Well, I better go.
- No, you have to lie down.

- With ms Mortensen?
- No, with me.

I always lie down myself
when I am in analysis.

Now we have not lost
memory again, have we?

I've sweated it out.

(loud music)

(turns off the music)

- When was the next time?
- To what?

That this urge to go in
women's clothes came over you?

I had to knock the cat off the barrel.
For fastelavn...

My mom wanted me
to be a chimney sweep.

- They wanted to be shepherdess.
- Where could you guess that?

They will be amazed at my
insight into the soul life of others.

You will now be transferred
to one of our departments.

Preferably one that
is fire and break in free.

(dance music)

Spit it out! Out with it!

Uh, why that?
I am not too fat.

It was even one of
those with cherries...

Now he would hate to die of
it before we have the money.

He gets blacked out after 3 pieces,
reveals the secret, and then...

I always personally show
the patients at the ward.

Great, right? It has been lent to
us because it is a closed department.

Here it is in safety.
A real van der Bocke.

- "Blue child in the blue hour".
- Child?

How much is such a blue
journeyman worth between brothers?

Priceless, my good Mr. Balle.

Even before his death...
he cut off his own head...

... van der Bocke went
in about ½ million crowns.

Last time he was sold, the price was 3 million crowns

- for a canvas of that size.
And that wasn't even blue.

Then we came this far, Poppe.

Take it easy, Poppe.

Now you're standing there.

That's it, Poppe.

(there is a knock on the door)

- Here we have several colors.
- Dry.

Well, how have we become skilled.

The therapy can not understand
what we want with all the blue.

Don Luigi, how long
are you staying here?

There's the Donna.

Do we need casino's in Denmark?

Don Luigi thanks
for the reception.

But the visit is of
a private nature.

See what has come to us.

The chief physician is on his way.

- Shall we not open it?
- We do it outside.

As quickly as possible.

The item delivered.

Then I will wait until you come with
him to the medical department. Switches.

- He did not dare open it.
- Still anxiety sensations.

Someone must have
thought of us, huh, Mr Balle?

Today it's so that
we have to find out, -

- when did we
stop being happy...

... at home in... the forester's farm.

Was that the day Dad came
home with the big antler?

No, that was when mom came
home with the forest runner.

And then? We must work together.
They must help me.

I'm not having it too easy.
It can ms Mortensen talk about.

It was a beautiful day.
The birds chirped.

Behind the old watermill
stood my grandmother waving.

Here I sat.

Then I lifted my little clenched
child's hand and waved again.

- And then?
- Then they came and tore me off.

My sister was going to use the pot.
Ever since, I have wanted to be a girl.

Yes, yes, Brar Bolle... Brother Buttocks.

We all have ours.
My wife does not understand.

It can ms.
Mortensen talk about.

Well god, Morten.
Chief Physician Brixe, tho.

So do something, man!

Quick, a stretcher for
Chief Physician Brixe!

Entrance under continued observation.

We advise the medical department.
Cover Chief Physician Brixe completely.

Is it the unconscious patient?
Then he's mine.


Rub the teddy bears now, Julius.

He's damn good
at masking himself.

Then it's this way.

This way. With him.

Then it is that way, 100 meters.

- Off. Get in the race!
- Yes, yes, calm.

Foreign workers!

There is good news.

Oh, father.
I will sing for joy.

Not with food in
my mouth, my girl.

- My Viktore.
- Calm down... first the money.

(rings the bell)

Our cousin, Mr. Balle.

You can easily. You go in
here and feel safe and well...

- The money?
- They're dug down.

In the square between
the small statues.

How I wish we were
safe and well again

- behind the bars,
little Poppe and me.

Take it easy, Valde.
Now you have to see what I have.

A real van der Bocke.
3 million between brothers.

- It is beautiful.
- 2 million on the black market.

- Sell it to him here.
- Is it not...

Yes, he will be a dog after that.
But he knows you.

So you better find a straw man.

- Viktor, you're brilliant.
- Then the visiting time is over.

We will fulfill your innermost
desire and operate on you.

We will fulfill your innermost
desire and operate on you.

When you wake up, you
will no longer be a man.

Then you will be a beautiful
and endearing woman.

I understand that
you are surprised.

But I've had a visit
from a colleague, -

- for many years has worked
with this type of surgery in America.

It will be Professor Ullerman's
pleasure to demonstrate his art.

It will be a very, very great
pleasure for me, Mr Balle.

Come on, the patient is yours.

And I have my own
anesthesiologist with me.

The staircase!

Under the middle tile,
behind a bench, -

- in a small space
between two statues.

The task has been on the wrong track.

When do I get that sable?
You also promised me an ice cream.

I can 't damn well conjure!

(there is a shot)

(another shot sounds)

Hello! Is anyone here?
An ice cream with cream bun.

- Was it not with cream bun?
- Yes.

Disappear, Daphne! Off!

To the carriage.

Remember my ice cream.

You are recognized, Viktor Viffer.

I'm just going to pee.

Viktor! Viktor Viffer!

- It costs an ice cream.
- You should get 10.

(shot from the shooting tent)

(gun goes off)

(the hat and the flap)

- The new bird king live!
- Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

There goes the sweet old
man that Olfert wanted to shoot.

- Who?
- Ham, ice baskets man.

After him!

Viffer! Then it's here!
Into the carriage.

Yes, drive!

You're waiting here.

Then I'll take care of the rest.

Just around there.
Then we'll talk to this one.

It's convenient with
a little noise, Viktor.

With 2 million crowns.
It is 4 million worth.

- Me an honor.
- Good day.

No, what do I see?
And van der Bocke.

Where do you get one
like this from today?

We are not going to talk art. We need
to talk money and about your funeral.

It reminds me of...
How's Donna Elvira?

- Where did you get with my ice cream?
- I became a bird king.

- What is it now?
- It's really the Herring Shark.

I did not think I could
let him go in the cats.

You drive the cart around
the corner, shut up and wait!

Do you have the explosive charge?

(happy hum)

Now the trigger
is as it should be.

- The others have arrived.
- So much the better.


What the hell.
It looks like a sleeping bag.

Well, Viktore.
Soon you will have to revisit money.

And you have to choose
whether Donna Elvira or Don Luigi -

- must cut your throat.

Olfert, damn it!

Kenneth, for Satan's sake!

Hit with the explosive charge.

Thank you for last time, Viktor Viffer.
And the mafia.

Is it a soap lottery?

(police sirens)

They have been arrested!

Oh, Dad!

They have been arrested for
stealing a picture from the Danish state.

Farewell, Olfert.

- Where are you going?
- Where are you going?

To Buwait. I know a sheik
who will give something for me.

I'm arranging that trade.

(dealer in Arabic)

"$11 million + 15% sales tax"

So goodbye then.

(sheikh protests)

It's you they bought.

--- Subtitles Essery----