Madhouse (1990) - full transcript

Honey, jiggle the handle.

Can't we get that fixed?

After our down-payment,
we've got about eight dollars left.

All right, then we'll jiggle.

Mark.
Whoa, Mark.

- We have to go to work.
- I am working.

Are you sure
you want to do this?

I never realized living
in an apartment was so inhibiting.

All these walls are ours.

Makes me want to go out
and buy handcuffs.

- I love this house.
- Oh, I can't believe we got in.



There was only a five-minute
dip in the market.

And you were right on top of it.

- You know what I want to do?
- What?

I want to buy one of those big,
vulgar televisions.

Oh, yeah, and those tacky,
pink flamingos for the lawn.

Are those pink flamingos deductible?

We can deduct
that shit out of everything.

Oh, oh, Mark, oh...

- Oh, rats.
- What?

Well, these are all postmarked
three weeks ago.

Did you call the post office?

Yes. I called the post office.
I sent forms,

I sacrificed small animals
in front of the mailbox.

- Who do you know in New Jersey?
- I do not know. Let me see.



- Is it an old girlfriend?
- Could be.

Oh, wait.
It's my cousin Fred.

You never mentioned a "Fred".

Oh yeah, sorry.
"Ever Ready Freddy"? Come on.

Hey, guess what? He and his wife
want to spend their vacation with us.

That sounds fun. When?

Today.

Are you sure they wouldn't be
more comfortable in a hotel?

Jessie...
It's just house guests.

It'll be fun.

Bye.

Oh, I do not know, Mark.
It sounds like a disaster to me.

Oh, come on, Wes,
we're talking five days.

Yeah? Chernobyl only took 5 minutes, pal,
and it didn't come into LAX at rush hour.

This is family.

- Good morning, Pepie.
- Good morning, Mark.

- Has the Grindle meeting started yet?
- Just now.

I give it three minutes.

- What are you talking about?
- Markisson is going to woof it.

- Busted his ass on this.
- Oh yeah?

Right now he is asking everybody
to turn to page 6 in their prospectus...

I changed my mind.
One minute.

- What's wrong with page 6? Mark?
- Morning Lory, copy those, please.

Mark?

Right now he is suggesting a major
investment in Slaughter Security.

- So?
- So, Grindle caught his second wife...

in the merger mode
with one of their junior executives.

- Forget it!
- Bob, I'm sorry.

Now I know we can
work something out here.

- We can explore...
- Nobody explores with my ass, Brooks.

Bring around my car.

Bob, please.

12 percent growth with companies
that don't sleep with my wife.

It is a simple thing to ask.

- I can get you that, Mr. Grindle.
- Who the hell are you?

- Mark Bannister, sir.
- He's one of our brightest, Bob.

Now I know, sir, Martensen
was somewhat adventurous.

But I guarantee you I can build you
a portfolio that's not only conservative,

but aggressive.

You'll be earning 14%,
in three months.

14?

Okay, last chance. Amaze me.

I want your suggestions for a
new portfolio on my desk by closing...

I can't believe you want to
get in bed with Bob Grindle.

I'm not going to wind up like Markisson.

- And Croft and Gervitz...
- I am in complete control.

Jacob, do you want a timeout?
Go sit in the car and wait for me.

Excuse me, what's your
secret summer fantasy?

Chloroform.

A date with Tom Cruise.

A date with Tom Cruise...

Enemy space people
come down in this big space ship

and eat my mom and dad.

What's your secret summer fantasy?

If you've got a question,
Los Angeles, let me know.

I'll find the answer.

- Karen?
- That was Jessica Bannister,

our question girl.
Thanks, Jessica.

Coming up next,
some hot ideas on how to stay cool.

Clear.

Oh, Jessie?

Hi Russel, what's up?

I'm... I'm thinking about trying you out
on the Eight o'Clock Report.

That's great!

But it's a harder news hour, so we'll
have to toughen your image a little.

Oh, I can do that.
I think I can work on that.

- I'd like to go over some questions.
- I can do that.

What?

I can't believe I put off Russel Fenn,

when he wanted to talk to me
about getting me my big break.

I'm sorry, I just wanted us to make the
in-person airport gesture.

I know you didn't mean it,
it's okay, I'm fine.

Thank you.

Wait till you get a hold of this guy
he used to have girls hanging all over him.

Is that him?

No.

Here comes a good-looking guy.
Is this him?

No, he's too young.

- Well, you look that young. You do.
- Well, thank you.

Fred?

- Pudge?
- Pudge?

- Hi. How are you?
- God, it's great to see you.

- It's my wife, Bernice.
- Bernie.

- Hi. Hello.
- Hi. Oh, we're family.

You know, I've heard
so much about you.

- Hi there, I'm Jessie.
- Hi.

She looks just like a movie star,
doesn't she?

- Much better. You see our TV's...
- Honey they don't want to hear about our TV.

Tell them the big news.

- We're uh...
- Pregnant!

That's great, congratulations.

Well, we do have something
to celebrate then.

The TV station
that Jessie works for

is just about to give her
a very big promotion.

And Mark got a major assignment
this morning.

I just got canned.

Let's get the luggage.

- Oh yeah, there's another one.
- I got it.

The decorative lid.
They were out of zebra.

Whoa, what have you got here,
bowling balls?

Uh, yeah.

Yes, wait.
Move everybody out.

That's the one,
move everybody out!

Baby, you made it.
Yeah you did, little one.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Did your little ears explode?

Fred, you didn't
mention anything about a cat.

Scruffy Bannister,
meet your cousins.

Mark and Jessie.

Oh no, no, no.
It's an inexpensive dress really...

- You're okay, aren't you?
- No.

Is this terrible heat bothering you?

You don't look so good, Baby.

So, Fred. What did you do
before you got laid off?

I worked in a
sewage treatment plant, Pudge.

You know, the best part
about that whole job was

that I would keep any goodies
that came down the pipes.

Sounds, uh, great.

Yeah, one time I found a genuine
snakeskin wallet with $80 in it.

Had to clean it up though.

I can't believe this traffic.

- Oh my God, Scruffy's going on the run.
- Don't let him get under our seat.

God, he looks nauseous.

What the hell?

I'm so sorry, Scruffy's never
been carsick before.

It's in my ear.

Look, the windows are stuck,
he has puked...

I can't believe that that stomach
could hold so much.

A little Club Soda
will take that right out.

Go play, hon.

Oh, earth tones.
Hides the dirt.

Well.
Welcome to L.A.

- Yeah, it's...
- What?

- Nothing.
- No, no, no, no, no. What?

It's a little small.

- Smaller than we pictured.
- Awfully small.

Come on.
I'll show you your room.

Well, here we are.

Bernice?
Is this okay?

Oh sure. I mean I don't mind
sleeping on a... tofu...

if the baby doesn't.

I cannot believe you gave them
our bedroom, Mark!

- Our little haven of privacy.
- I'm sorry. But she is pregnant after all.

It's obviously been
a little rough on Fred too.

I don't know,
maybe this was a bad idea.

You see the guy in there?
He's a wreck!

Like some sort of pod-version
of the Fred I grew up with.

- Mark, it is only for five days.
- That's right, it is.

And they are trying to be nice.
I mean Fred gave us these watches.

Cartiers, I can't believe
he could afford them,

he just lost his job
fishing stuff out of the sewer.

I'm sorry we lost touch like that,
you know?

- Hey!
- What?

"Polar Bear Squad"

- Okay.
- Ready?

All right.
Can't run from them forever.

What?

Well, we're family, right?

So I'm just going to
come on out and ask you.

Your nose.
How much did it cost?

- What?
- Oh, come on.

I saw that nose in Cosmo.

Yeah, I know you all do it out here,
that's fine.

Bernice, I did not have my nose done.

Right.
Sorry.

You don't have to be ashamed of me, Hon.

It's only the trained eye of a beautician
that can see that.

You know, we got
this great guy in Trenton, Dr. Nick.

I've been thinking
of getting it done myself.

Honestly, maybe just a little bob, you know,
something to lift my eyes up, show my teeth.

Cute.
Excuse me one second.

Yeah, my cousin Ronda
went to Dr. Nick.

Got a free set of Ginsu knives
and her old nose in a jar of formaldehyde.

- I'll get us a couple of fresh ones.
- Okey-dokey.

I think I know
what's wrong with Fred.

Hey Pudge, remember
the Oboikski twins?

"Pudge"?
What is this "Pudge" deal?

- Why does he call you "Pudge"?
- Nothing.

- Why do you call him "Pudge"?
- Nothing.

Nothing.

- Is that you, sweetie?
- Yes.

- Oh my God!
- Hey Pudge.

Horizontal stripes...

Which one are you, Fred?

- I believe I'm off the camera here.
- See him blow the thing in my face.

- How many reels of the stuff did you bring?
- A couple dozen.

You're a barrel of laughs.

Hey.

I'm sorry.
My God, did you ever do anything but eat?

Well apparently not.

You know when you told me
that you were big for your age,

I thought you meant you were tall.

- Oh, God, what are you doing?
- Mark you have breasts.

Oh, it's a game we used to play.

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

I'm going to get something to drink.
All right?

Grab a snack while you're there.

All right.
Strike three, he's out of there.

Hey Pudge.
Never lost that old pitching arm, huh?

Rise and shine, lazy bones.
We got a big day ahead of us.

We do?

Hey, watch the vulva.

- It's not working.
- Stop jiggling, I'm kind of gassy.

- Fred, he's going to drop her.
- No more. I feel sick.

Graumann's Chinese.
I always wanted to eat here.

Joan Crawford. She used to beat the kids
with like coat hangers. Come on.

Oh, Fred.
You're pressing on my prenatal boobs.

Come on, squeeze in, squeeze in.
All right, everybody say "trick".

Hon, you got the traveler's checks?

You put them in your pocket this morning.
I watched you.

- Did you call the traveler's check people?
- Their machine said they're on vacation.

They'll be back after labor day.

You know I told him not to buy them
from some guy in the Kmart parking lot.

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

What's this?

It is an itinerary.

You know Jessie and I aren't going to be
able to see everything with you guys.

And we don't want you
to miss any of the hot spots.

Probably take you the rest of your vacation
just to see all of that.

Geez, there's a lot of great stuff on here.
But we're broke.

Thanks anyway.

- Here.
- No, no, no, Mark. No, no.

- Oh Fred, come on.
- I couldn't, Mark, I couldn't.

Fred...

We'd rather spend the rest of our vacation
just sitting right here.

- We not insist.
- Take my car.

Ah, yes.

You know something?

That was the best $300
we ever invested.

Mark?

When do your cousins get back?

Not for several hours.

Forget it. Yes.

Jessa?

Oh shit, that's my sister.

- Oh, no, no!
- It's my sister.

- Honey my clothes, hurry.
- I'll get rid of her.

The pants, the pants.

Okay. Just tell her we're not here.

Jessa!

- Claudia, this is not a good time.
- Kaddir kicked me out!

Jessa!

So then Kaddir didn't actually
kick you out of the house.

That is a matter of opinion.

Let's put it this way:
does he even know you're gone?

He barely knows I'm alive.
He cut my allowance.

He cut her allowance, Honey.

To what?
$9000 a month?

Makes me drive his
old Jaguar.

You know Claudia, some people
have worse problems.

- Like who?
- Like people who don't have cars.

Who cares about them?

Yes, hello.
Hi, Kaddir.

Yes, salom back at you.
Uh-huh.

- He found your note.
- I won't talk to him.

Right, yeah. She's...
He just wanted to know if you were here.

- Why?
- Why?

To let you know
he canceled your credit cards.

What?
That Middle Eastern maggot.

- Okay. He wants to talk to you.
- He can talk to my lawyer.

The nerve of that towel-head.

Oh, yes, she is very upset
about your little love spat, Kaddir.

Right, I...
Uh-huh.

He says he will forget everything, if you
just go home and fix dinner for him.

Oh grind some glass, Ayatollah!

Jessie, turn down the TV,
would you, babe?

- Give me that phone.
- No. No.

- Kaddir, she's too grief-stricken right now.
- Give it to me, Mark. Hand over...

Hello Kaddir. No you listen.
I cannot live on that.

I cannot live on that.

Do not speak Farsi to me, Kaddir.
Stop it.

All right, that's it.
That is it!

- I want a...
- ...don't say it!

- I want a...
- ...nice Dega Painting in the bathroom

- I want...
- ...don't!

A divorce.

- Honey, wait. Just wait.
- She said the D-word again, Jessie.

- Yeah, but she didn't mean it this time.
- Bullshit. She means it every time.

She is going to a hotel, right?

Jessie, no, we are not taking her in.

Oh come on, Mark.

If you can have
your idiot cousin stay with us

then we can certainly
take in my poor sister

who has been thrown out on the street
without a nickle.

Jessa? You wouldn't happen to have
any good Scotch, would you?

Put it over here.

A little more this way.

- A couple of days, Claudia, that's it.
- As if I wanted to live in a garret.

Now madam, if you need anything else
don't hesitate... to get it yourself.

Get out.

I missed you.

Mark?

How anybody with half a brain...

...could drop a whole day's
worth of film into the La Brea Tar Pits...

Stop with the eeking.

You get hit by Shamu once
you think you're a porpoise.

Jessa?

Could you go ahead?
I don't want to strain my uterus any more.

I didn't know anybody's eyes
could be that red.

Boy, those are bulging out.

Well what was I supposed to think?
They looked insane.

We're not insane.
We're from New Jersey.

Yeah, the Garden State.

Deja-vu.
You two have the same nose.

They must have had a
two-for-one special, huh?

What?

You know.
At the chop-shop.

I told that butcher
not do make it too perfect.

Oh no, wait honey,
he didn't make it too perfect.

She just has some
bizarre nose fetish.

See, he left one nostril
a little bit bigger than the other.

I had a deviated septum,
I had to get it fixed.

Excuse me.

You know, I was thinking.

Maybe I can interview you two for this new
budget beauty book I'm trying to write.

I'm going to call it
"Pretty for Peanuts".

- Get it?
- Play with the cat, Bernice.

- Where is Scruffy? Scruffy Bannister?
- He was in the kitchen.

It's too perky.
I hate perky.

No, it's perfect.
I didn't say perky, I said perfect.

Dear God,

here lies the body of
Scruffy Bannister,

our beloved companion.

$42 worth of angelfish.

This is ridiculous.
Why don't we just flush it down the toilet?

Not our toilet.

Why? Why do you always
take the good ones?

Sleep well, little prince.

Mark.
There's something in there.

Mark.

God.

Honey, Honey! Look!
The dead cat! It's alive!

Are you all right?
Are you all right?

Whoever is down there,
I'm carrying an Uzi.

Scruffy.

Oh, baby.
It's a miracle.

Mom is so sorry for burying you alive.

Yes she is.

P.U.
Is that you or this kitchen?

No, no, Anthony listen to me.
Forget Tropic Core, okay?

Orange juice stock isn't worth a shit
after the cold and flu season.

Also I noticed the collar
on TNT is coming down,

I want a thousand shares
once it hits Bernice.

Yeah, what?

I'm sorry, no.
Once it's 99. Yes, thank you.

Um, Mark?

Stark wants to see an update
on the Grindle portfolio.

Oh, yes.

- Wait a second, pal.
- What?

You're shedding.

Oh, Jesus.
It's Felix the Rat.

You know something?
I opened a can of peaches last night,

there was cat hair inside of it.

I've been coughing up furballs
for the last two nights.

So when do you get rid
of these people?

Today.

Oh listen,
give me another hug.

You know what?

When the baby comes, we're going to
have to all come out and visit you again.

Or pictures. You know pictures are worth
a thousand words.

...a little baby camera on his shoulders
during the birthing process.

But I'm going to cover up
all my unmentionables...

Oh, please do, please, honey, yeah.
Bye Bye.

I had so much fun, oh my God.
I'm going to miss everything...

- I know this wasn't easy for you guys...
- Oh, no. It wasn't... Come on.

No, Bernice can be a little handful.

Listen, you're going to have to
come out and visit us.

We will.
Really, we will.

I'm going to
show you the Turnpike,

it's beautiful like
in the spring and fall.

- I can't think of anything...
- I'm going to miss you.

Hey, Fred, come here
and say goodbye.

Go, hon, goodbye.

All right, Bernice,
you're going to be late, honey.

- You take care, honey.
- I will.

- I'm on... I'm on the ground.
- Honey!

Don't move your head.
Don't move your head, Bernice.

- Honey, are you all right?
- Wait, wait, don't touch her.

Quick, check and see
if anything fell out.

Oh, God,
I'm going to have a flat baby.

I'm going to call my doctor.

No. No LA quacks. I need
my real doctor. Call Dr. Jack Penix.

Oh, my God,
oh my God!

I can feel the insides exploding.
I know what I'm doing.

Yes, Trenton, New Jersey,
for a Dr. Jack Penix.

With an X!

Don't touch me.
Get away.

Where are you going?

He said we need to get her to the
nearest bed as quickly as possible.

Okay. Okay, that's fine.

No Mark. it isn't fine.
She has to stay here.

Well yes,
of course she'll stay here.

- How long?
- For the rest of her pregnancy.

- No...
- No!

- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Oh God, oh God, oh God.

I lost all feeling in my womb.

Here.

How am I supposed to
stay like this for six months?

Oh, this is just stupid. I'm going to
go get my doctor, Bernice.

No! Never. I need a man of science,
not some ass-lifter.

Whatever we do
has to real cheap.

Since I lost my job, no...
medical coverage.

Hi, Mr. Bannister.
Want to bounce?

No Katie.
There are laws.

C.K., how many times did I tell you
not to play with dolls?

Come on, go watch your sister.

Dale?

So what's the problem, Bannister?
Espresso machine down again?

No, No, no.

Did you put more artichoke leaves
down your disposal?

No.

What's the problem?

How's that? All right?

Lower, you ape.

- Don't get excited, honey.
- Guess what?

- What?
- I got my first period today.

That ought to do her.

No thanks necessary.
Just name the little bugger after me.

Yeah, Sluggo Bannister.
Right.

I feel like a human swing set here.
Fred, don't touch that.

You know I could
dry-wall her into your basement.

I'll keep that in mind, Dale.

We never should have come, Pudge.

Fred, stop talking like that.

And also, please. Do me a favor.
Don't call me "Pudge" anymore.

Okay.

"Stretch".
Look at you.

You're living the life.
You've got a nice house.

You paid a little bit too much,
but it's still very nice.

Real estate market
has gone crazy out here.

You're important at your office.

And you've got a wonderful wife.

Yeah.

To wonderful wives.

Bernice is giving me cancer.

Would you stop talking like that.
Would you listen to yourself?

Do you know what your problem is?

You let that woman walk all over you.
You've got to stand up to her.

What the hell happened to
the Fred I knew in high-school?

The Fred that could have any girl
in the senior class he wanted to.

When he was a freshman.

A guy who could break up
any class without even trying?

I don't know.
Somewhere between graduation...

and the Jerry Lewis telethon.

I just lost it.

Hear that? Bernadette.
Remember her?

What was her last name?

Moisecracket,
Bernadette Moisecracket,

Her father owned the battery shop
outside of town?

- Beverly.
- No, Bernadette. Don't you remember?

- Beverly.
- We did the choreography for her.

You did the...
You built the dance routine.

You started it
in gym class.

It started like this. The thrusting.
The pelvis thrusting thing.

- No.
- Well come on, show me how it started.

You thought it up.

Get your hemorrhoids off the bar stool,
come show me to it started.

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey!
Come on.

Yeah.

Get it in. Get it tight.
Get it greasy.

All right, come on.

Hey Baby, say hello to the King.

Ready for takeoff.

A little rusty.
It took me a while to get going.

What you have,
you don't lose.

Way to go.

- Jessie!
- What?

- He's gone.
- Who's gone?

Fred is gone.
He ran away.

I've been abandoned.

No wait.
Now Bernice we don't know that for sure.

I went to find the Fred Bannister
I used to be.

Where did he get that crap?

Fred!

Fred!

- Fred!
- Fred!

- What did you tell him?
- I didn't tell him anything.

All I said to him was that maybe he should
try standing up for himself once in a while.

You saw what a wreck he was.

Yes, Mark, but he was her wreck,
she liked him like that.

She craves human sacrifice,
and he was it.

Let's just call the police.

A guy skips out on his wife,
they're going to rush right over.

Okay then let's hire a detective.

We can't afford that, Honey.

All right, then maybe we can talk
Claudia into watching after Bernice

while we work.

Are you serious? Your sister would
smother the woman in her sleep.

- We should have taken care of it.
- Mark! Oh, Mark!

How the hell am I supposed to pee?

You deal with your evil twin.

Oh for God's sake
Don't make me do this.

Wouldn't you just this once
like to handle something like an adult?

No.

- Pouting makes wrinkles.
- Oh Jessa, please.

I know that by the end of the week
he will be in his knees begging.

That gate was not here yesterday.

Neither was Slaughter Security.

Kaddir is Jessie.
Kaddir?

Kaddir, I know you
can hear me,

now it took an awful lot for Claudia to come
here today and try and work this thing out.

So I think she deserves
a little credit.

Credit?

That's the last thing
in the world she needs.

The woman bleeds me dry.

You want to see blood?

You just let me in there, you two-bit
desert rat, I'll slash your throat.

You try to come in here
and I'll sell you Bedouin.

That's it.

Don't you choke my cherub.
Don't choke my cherub.

- Kaddir, Claudia loves you.
- I do not.

Well sir, I think you can see
Hydrolux is a real comer.

They're young, but they've already
got the trust of the State Department.

And they've just acquired
a major contract from the Navy.

I'd like to make them a cornerstone
of your new portfolio.

Navy, huh?
You know, I was a swabbie once myself.

No.

- Excuse me, Mark?
- Yeah?

- Line two's for you.
- I'll call back. Well.

I really think
you ought to take this one.

- She says it's an emergency.
- Oh. Excuse me.

Hello?

Bernice, what...?

No, I don't know what time
Wheel Of Fortune is on.

I left you the TV Guide,
it's right on the dresser.

Yes, I realize you're in change, you stupid.
Could you at least try...?

Goodbye.

- Sorry.
- That was an emergency?

Well, yes actually,
in some warped alternate universe.

Not so fast, Missy.
It's time to shift my butt.

Mark!

Mark!
Jessie!

Move to the right. You're blowing
my fluffy hair all over the place.

Look! A puss, my pussy.

It's so majestic,
Oh, I've got to have it.

And an iced tea. With lemon.
In a nice glass.

Somewhere.

Jiggle the handle.

- How do you handle stress?
- I take a fistful of valium.

I get drunk.
Real drunk.

Polka.

Bust somebody.
Anybody.

Pump iron.

Meditation.

Sex.

Excuse me, sir...

Wait a second, this guy can't
come in here with his camera.

No, we're from Channel 12 News
and we're doing a survey.

How do you handle stress?

Well, usually I find the source
of the stress and break his legs.

How much does...

How much does something like that cost?

I don't know. It all depends on
how much stress is involved I guess.

Usually about $200.

What could you get for say 100?

100? I don't know.
A kneecap or something.

I don't know.
200 is usually the rate though.

Okay but what if that was your budget,
what could you get?

Well look if you're having money problems,
we can work something out.

You can maybe do something like this,
you know I'm also a producer

and I work on some
independent films.

No, I couldn't do anything like that.

- No I think you could.
- No really.

You're on TV, you got a good look.
This could be a beautiful thing.

No, I'm fine thanks,
and just, okay, thanks.

Well let me know,
you know where to find me.

Cut that last part.

Come in.

What is that?

Strategy.

There are plenty of old acquaintances
just dying to sweep me off my feet.

Ranked in financial order?

This is no time
to beat around the bush.

What is that asterisk?

Over 80.

Claudia, don't you think that you could
give Kaddir another chance?

He tried to crush me
with his automatic gate.

I think he made his feelings
quite clear.

Oh, no.
No.

- Jonathan.
- Hi, Mom.

- Hey, honey.
- Hi, Jess.

Is Kaddir ready to apologize?

- No, he threw me out.
- Damn.

Anyway...
Uncle Mark?

I need a place to crash.

- Jonathan, this is not a good time.
- Of course you can stay here, darling.

Thanks, thanks.
Oh, Uncle Mark...

- Yes, Jonathan?
- I think I just ran over your cat.

Dear God, here lies the body
of Scruffy Bannister.

And this time,
it's for real.

In your infinite wisdom, you saw fit
to give him back to me once.

But now you've ripped him
from my busom once again.

What are you guys doing?

- Cat funeral.
- Wait a minute. Can I have him?

- No.
- What would you do with a dead cat?

I'll keep him in the freezer
until school starts.

You disgusting little ghoul.

Who are you?
It's mother?

Now be good to him.

And get me out of this little piece
of hell on earth you call California.

Amen.

I'll kill you again,
kitty-litter breath.

Jerome, I understand.

Some other time then.
Right. Bye.

- You pathetic worm.
- Not going so well, huh?

Married. Turned gay. Married.
In jail... malpractice. Dead.

I'll tell you, marriage material
is getting tough to find.

Claudia.

What would you say to a nice,
handsome, divorced car dealer?

Foreign or domestic?

Jessa, I know what you're up to.

You think you can just force me off
on some total stranger,

but I'm telling you, if I don't like...

Is that his?

Lead on.

- Here she is.
- Growl. Hello.

So, Jess tells me you and your boy
need a place to stay.

That's right.

Be my guest.

I can't believe it Mark,
they were like two sex magnets,

just straining
not to slam into each other.

Oh yeah?
I know the feeling.

Let's make love, Jess,
we'll start right here,

work across the lawn and then
we wind up in the begonias.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about Bernice?

I threw some raw meat in earlier,
she'll be fine for a while.

I can't believe you're old enough
to be Jonathan's mom.

I'm not.

Is something burning?

Dad, can we get some marshmallows?

Shut up!

I cannot believe it.
Sixteen pair of Italian pumps incinerated.

C.K. did you get those fireworks
out of there?

Yeah.

Well...
most of them.

My tools. My tools.

Your tools? My shoes.

Back off, Gold Card,
I just lost my goddamn house.

Well I don't understand
what the big fuss is all about.

Even a cretin like you
must have insurance.

Insurance? Oh, I got insurance all right.
It ought to kick in in about three months.

What do I do with my kids
in the meantime?

Take them to the Bel-Air hotel,
I mean anyone who owns a Lotus...

Who says I own it?
It's a perk I get for trying to sell them.

So, Bannister.
What are we going to do about this?

Make sure Fangster stays in his box.

Waste of a good belt.

Jonathan, put down that stuff

- and get me a scotch.
- and get me a scotch.

Oh, just make yourself
comfortable, son.

Brenda, you won't believe it.
Our house burned down.

- These are all I could find.
- Fine, Jonathan, just...

Mark, we don't have to do this.

Yes, we do darling, if we want to
avoid a lawsuit for arson.

Does this fold out?

Hey, Mr. Bannister.
Guess what didn't burn up.

I'm calling about the room for rent
for $300 a month.

It is? Terrific.
Immediately?

Uh... seven people?

Uh huh, that's great, Phil.
Listen, by the way,

what's happening with
your guest house out back?

Uh huh.
How long is she expected to live?

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

You hang up first.

No, you.
Brenda.

I can hear you breathing.

Jonathan, did your grandmother send you
a birthday check?

Grandma's dead, mom.

No, Brenda, you hang up first.

No you.
Brenda.

Hey, did they get another cat?

No, it's the same one.

They buried him alive.
Cool.

Don't you be getting any ideas.

- But if they can bury him, I can too.
- Well, you get permission first.

- No.
- No.

Don't worry about me having dinner.

I'll just lick the crumbs
off my filthy sheets.

- Jessie!
- What is it?

- Don't look in there.
- What do they want?

- They want... to stay here.
- Why, Mark, why?

I don't know. Maybe we're in
some vacation guide for the damned.

Oh God! Oh God!

- Oh, Mark!
- Jessie!

- Go to a hotel!
- Jessie, get out of here!

I don't trust you people!

Get out of my house!

Jess, run.

Leave her...

Leave her alone.

Jess, leave Jess...

Take Bernice.

Mark.
Honey, I know you're frustrated.

Oh God, honey,
I'm not in the mood.

- Just...
- What?

Jessie?
I'm way over here. What?

Have you guys seen Fangster?

- Mark?
- What?

We have to do something
about these people.

Yes.
Uh huh.

Well, I have only one question: do they all
have to pass out flowers at the airport?

Uh huh.
And shave their heads.

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Jonathan, what are you doing here?

Look, Uncle Mark,
I've been watching you.

Having to take care of all of us.

And, so, I'm job hunting.

And I though, you know, maybe...
Well I was wondering if...

You mean something here?
I do not think so, Jonathan.

Well that's cool. I just...
wanted to get my own place.

I'll call personell.

Well, no special treatment or anything.
I mean, I'll start anywhere.

The mail room would be great.

In here. Frank.
This is my nephew Jonathan.

Now listen, I want you
to take good care of him, okay?

Welcome aboard, Jonathan.

Hey, wow. Great stamps.
I got a collection.

Good. So listen, if you need anything,
you call me, all right?

You know, my mom was wrong.
You're not an asshole.

I'll be out of your hair
in no time, Uncle Mark.

Hi. Bernice, hi.
Yes, how are you? Good.

Yeah, I want the Wings Of The Night
it's beautiful.

Oh my God, yeah,
I have nails that go just with it.

Oh, I lost mine. Listen...
Yeah, send it COD.

Oh yeah. Two-two for me.
Okay. Bye, bye, hon.

Jessa, what pumps do I wear with this?

No, that's pee for Dr. Penix' test.

He's got to check
the ovum count or something.

You want me to mail
urine to New Jersey?

Yeah, would you?

Wait, wait...

I need your opinion
on something here.

These are my favorite names
for the baby so far.

Amaretta, Anziv, Caramel or Treblinka.

You yokel. Naming a baby
after a German concentration camp?

I thought of Treblinka was one
of those cute little fairies in Cinderella.

You moron.

Well, I hope my water breaks
all over your fur coat.

Are you okay?

- Remember when that used to be our room?
- Yes, I know. In the days before time.

Baby.

I hate those people.

Jonathan got a job.
It's going to get better. I promise.

Right now, just you and me,
all alone, right here, in the closet.

There.

I don't think he'll be
coming back this time.

Let me ask you a question.
What does the C.K. stand for anyway?

Confirmed Kills.

But I might change it to cat killer.
What do you think?

I think we have a little problem here.

C.K...

do you know what happens when
you cram too many laboratory rats

together in the same cage?

- Yeah, they turn into fags.
- Right, some of them do.

Others just turn into cannibals,
they tear each other apart.

Now when you minimize that space
by blowing rooms apart,

it really aggravates
the situation.

It's just so boring here.

Now you listen to me,
you psychotic little shit.

You either get your act together, or
you're going to be a face on a milk carton.

- You got it?
- You touch me, I sue you.

I got a lawyer on retainer.

Hi, hi.

Hi honey.

Do you hear that noise outside?
That is C.K. mowing the lawn.

All that kid needed was a little discipline,
a little positive motivation.

We can take control
of this situation, darling.

We can be the captains
of our own destiny.

Yes, things are looking up. I think
that this is going to work out just fine.

Don't you, hon?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Shoot them.
- Strangle them.

Cook them in the oven.

- Hide his medication.
- What?

Kindness.

We're talking about someone with
a clean bill of health, right?

The I guess I'd use insulin.

Inject 30 CCs into,
say, a freckle.

Bingo, all the symptoms
of a massive coronary.

A hammer.
Definitely a hammer.

Oh, I don't know.
Clorox in the bean dip?

Jessie, we're back.

How would you murder someone?

If you have a question,
Los Angeles...

Ask somebody else. I mean,
I swear to God,

I don't know, I don't know the answers,
I don't know anything anymore.

Well, that's quite an
interesting question, Jessica.

I'm sure that's crossed
everybody's mind now and then.

How would you
murder someone, Karen?

If you were absolutely desperate
to get rid of them, because they were

- driving you out of your fucking mind.
- Whoa.

Well, I'd probably...

It looks like insulin's the way to go

- from what that doctor said.
- Oh, yeah, right.

Oh, like you can just tap-dance your way
into a drugstore and get that stuff?

Please. Oh and that Clorox bit,
oh man, there is a real winner.

Those people were up
all night with the runts.

And they refused to jiggle the handle.

What are you talking about?

House guests.

I am talking about
house guests from hell.

Listen to me, ladies and gentlemen,
no, get that snack later,

you listen to me,
lock your doors.

Don't answer the phone.

If you have to leave the country,
then leave the country,

but don't let them in.

Don't let them fool you,
they're very, very tricky.

They might look like your mother or
your father or your best friend,

but they're not.

They're animals.
They're cockroaches.

If we have a nuclear war,

the only living thing
to survive will be house guests.

We'll be right back.
With weather.

Mark?

Hello?

Hey buddy! Excuse me!
Seen Mark?

Have you seen Mark?

Upstairs, I think.

Are the Bannisters doing
a little remodeling here?

I guess you might say that, yes.

I'm building a bleacher
for the TV set.

Sure you are. Okay.
Sure.

- Thank God.
- Move, dork.

You compulsive little midget.
Next time, flush.

Excuse me, have you
seen Mark Bannister?

Well, he was in the kitchen.

Mark, my chains are squeaking.
It's time for my lube job.

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Sure.

Come on, Scruffy,
let's go visit Mr. Microwave.

I'm going to make you
a cat soufflé.

Come on.

Excuse me, son?
Have you seen Mark Bannister?

Backyard. Shit, look at what
you made me do.

Sorry. Sorry.

Jessie?

God, Wes,
you're not moving in too are you?

What?
No.

Mark didn't come in
to work though,

and your phone's been
off the hook all morning,

and I just thought I'd...

Mark, what the hell's going on here?

Hello Wes.
I didn't sleep too good last night.

At four o'clock in the morning

I think the sprinklers went off
and woke me up.

I believe I've got a short in one
of these extension cords too.

No, no, no, no. I mean this.
I mean them.

Why don't you get rid of them?

- Oh no.
- Well if you don't, I will.

- No! We've tried that.
- It just makes more.

We just hand over our paychecks,
stay out of their way.

It's for the best.

Hey, hey, hey, come on.
You've got to listen to me, pal.

If you don't get to work soon,
you're not going to have a paycheck.

Hey, come on, big guy.
Come back to me. Okay? Mark.

Hydrolux down 32 points.

Grindle has gone completely apeshit.
We got to go.

- What should I do?
- We got to go to work.

- To work?
- Chop, chop.

- We should go to work.
- Go to work.

I got to go to work, Jessie.

- OK, hon.
- Bye, Jessie.

Bye.
Don't be late for dinner, honey.

- OK I won't. What are we having?
- Just squab again.

- What happened here?
- Well, you know...

Crackpot's file indictments
for lawsuits every day, sir.

Well, even the Navy can make a mistake.
No, I didn't know that.

I guess I missed the
Wall Street Journal all last week.

No, don't worry. I'm sorry.
Yes sir.

Your Hydrolux stock
will be sold immediately. Yes, sir.

- Bannister?
- Yes.

I hope you have
a good explanation.

The Grindle situation
is under control.

- That is not what I'm talking about.
- What?

This.

Almost $6000 worth of calls to
South America. From your office.

What? Obviously it's a mistake.
I've never made any of these.

- Oh. Who did?
- How the hell do I...?

- I will find out.
- You do that.

Jonathan, do you know anything
about phone...

Hey, Mr. Bannister,
you got another one of these packages.

What packages?

Well, these.
Well didn't you get them?

Jonathan said you'd take care of it.
I got to go. See you.

Bannister.
What the hell are you doing?

Sorry.

- Mark.
- Come on.

- Can't you see that I'm not in?
- But, but, but...

Tiny, no!

Fred?

It's all right. Steady.
Steady, all right.

What the hell is going on?

I did it Pudge. Stretch.
I did it like you said.

Listen, Fred,
I'll be right back.

Mark!
Meet Tiny Bannister.

- Fred, this is not a good time.
- Mark. I've followed my heart.

- I found the real me.
- What? You joined the circus?

No, I traveled.
I met interesting people.

Well strangers, mostly.

Wait. Let me get rid of this box
and then we'll have...

Oh God.

- Howdy.
- Are you the owner of this animal, sir?

What?
Oh, no.

- She's mine, officers.
- Do you have a permit?

No, not yet.
We just got into town.

- Is this your residence?
- No.

But my wife's upstairs,
they got her strung up in there.

What?

She's all right and everything.
She just tried to stab me.

No.

Excuse me.

- Jonathan? Jonathan?
- Hey, Mark, did you see the elephant?

- He's got diarrhea.
- You are diarrhea.

No, Tiny, not the flower bed.

How do we radio this in?

I'll tell you how we radio it in.

Rock house.

- Hey, Mark.
- What is this?

It's got your name on it.
Guess it's your cocaine, man.

Baker 63, possible rock house.
Repeat, rock house.

Elephant on premises,
send backup.

Hey, Mark,
What's 1051 in Roman?

Get off the bed.
What are you doing?

This is the police.
Come out with your hands up.

We have you surrounded.

Bastards want to play hardball, huh?
Call in the battering ram.

To hell with this.
Get...

Hey, Claude,
what the hell's going on out there?

- Men. Lots of men.
- What the men?

The police.
They're arresting your husband.

That's a good girl, Tiny. Now steady.
Now we're going to head back to the garage.

All right now.
Real slow to the squad car.

Get your hands up.

Hey! Hey you! Buddy!
What the hell are you going out there?

Get off my new driveway.
I just put that in.

Those pebbles are worth $600.
$600!

$600.000.
You old fart.

- Russell, please.
- I can't.

Please let me go on.
I swear to God, I'm better now,

and I will never ever let my home life
affect my professional life again. Ever.

Please?

This is my ass, Jessie.
Get in.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Ten seconds.

This is the channel 12
eight o'clock report.

- With your...
- Camera one, tape in five,

- four, three, two.
- ... question girl, Jessica Bannister.

Good evening.
Our top story tonight:

A SWAT team strike has been called in
on a Santa Monica home.

We now go live to
field reporter Brad Bovie. Brad?

That's right, Karen.
Details are still a little sketchy,

but apparently police suspecting
cocaine on the premises

have called in a full strike.

What we've heard is that they have
reason to believe that this is a rock house.

Holy shit!

Wait a minute,
someone's coming out.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah. That was cool.

Are we on TV?
Brenda, call me.

- Sir, are you the homeowner?
- No.

- Did you say he was dealing drugs?
- Well we don't...

I never did trust that guy.

It's them quiet,
wimpy types

who always get involved
in this sort of thing, ain't it?

Flipping out, raping, killing...

Karen, back to you until we can
make some kind of sense out of this.

Tiny please, come on,
this is not your mama.

Thanks, Brad.
We understand that the homeowners

are being sought
for questioning.

And that that baby elephant that you
just saw, is apparently unlicensed,

and will be taken
into police custody.

We'll keep you updated
as this bizarre story unfolds.

More poisonous gases.

Investigators at this hour
are still trying to determine

the source of poisonous gases
which rendered twelve employees

of the Midwilshire District
businesses unconscious.

Jessie.

- Thank God, I found you.
- Mark, what happened?

Our nephew is a drug czar and
now I'm David Jansen.

- I have this whole...
- The Dow Jones plummeted again today.

Among the hardest hit
was the Hydrolux Corporation,

which amid allegations of fraud
by the US Navy,

fell a record 85 points.

Hydrolux president,
Robert Nellins was unavailable for comment,

Channel 12 News has learned however
he's on vacation in Bora-Bora.

Great. I'm an unemployed David Jansen,
I forgot to sell Grindle's stock.

- Shit, shit, shit. Come on.
- No. I don't want to go.

No, I'm staying here. You're not
going to get me out of here, Mark.

- Honey.
- Let's live here.

What?

Look, it's beautiful, everything's clean
and nice and...

Oh, Mark, there's food in the...
Oh, look, Mark, mock-chicken pot pie.

- Come on Jessie, let's go.
- No. No.

You're not going to take me away.
I'm not letting go of the...

Jessie!
Jessie. Jessie.

Listen to me, Mark. We can
live in one of the soap opera sets.

They'll never know we're here, Mark.
We can be the phantoms of Channel 12.

Listen to me,
everything is going to be...

Don't you say everything's
going to be all right.

It's not going to be all right.
Ever! Ever!

Honey, honey, listen, listen,
all right fine. Listen.

We'll stay here tonight.
Tomorrow we're leaving town.

Changing our name.

- We're going to start all over.
- What about our house?

Forget the house, I don't give a damn
about the house, let them repossess it.

I don't care about our jobs,
I don't care about any of our stuff.

The only thing that matters...

...really matters...
is us.

Oh, honey.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

Oh, come on. Let's just grab what we can
and get out of here, okay?

Yes, this is Dr. Penix,
calling from Trenton.

Bernice I've been trying
to reach you for weeks,

but this line's always busy.

I've got your test results here.
I don't know how to tell you this, but...

You're not pregnant.

What?

Dr. Penix just called and he said
there is absolutely no way in the world

that you are pregnant.

You must have sent
the wrong pee.

Look at that, Bernice,
your stomach is flat as a board.

I got a thin fetus.

Bernice, get over it
and get out.

You're just jealous because no sperm
in it's right mind

would swim
up your shriveled canal.

Let go of me!
Hey, hey!

- Stay away from me, crazy lady.
- Say it.

What?

I want to hear you say it.

I guess...

I'm not pregnant.

But, you know, I could have sworn...
I felt my breasts swelling, constipation...

- Say it!
- Somebody help.

Aren't you going to do something?

- No.
- No.

I'm going to count to three, Bernice.

- One.
- I want a second opinion.

Two.

- Say it.
- All right, we're leaving.

Fred, start packing.

Honey, it's over, it's finally over.

Not quite.

Let's clean house.

Yeah.
Kick ass.

- Company!
- Company!

Oh, sis!

Sister's got a surprise for you!

Oh, you want to play?
Let's go, Bannister.

Now let's play Cuisinart.

Oh, Claudia.

I'm not decent.

Tell me something I don't know.

Now Jessie, calm down,
I'll get you a valium.

- You think you're real sharp, don't you?
- People are like going totally mental.

Let me ask you a question!

- Are you circumcised?
- I'm warning you.

Stop, they're Charles Jourdan!

Now, I want you
to get your gold-digging,

lilly white ass
out of my house.

- Uh.
- No!

You psycho. Hey, man.
Don't kill me, don't, don't.

You wimp!

It always figured you'd come up
short in a clinch. Come on!

Stay away!
Stay away from me!

Jesus, what's this?
Jesus Christ. Jonathan.

- Now you get the hell out of my house!
- Back off! Back off!

You try that again and I'll cut you,
I swear.

- Give me your keys.
- What?

Give me your car keys now!
Shut up!

Wouldn't you rather
take the Lotus?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's an excellent idea.
Here you go... oh.

I'm real sorry about that.

You know what? You know what?
I think if we just rested a minute

and thought about this,
we might be able to work it out.

Bullshit!

Now, you know, Jonathan, we're all family,
we could sit down, have a talk, maybe...

- That's bullshit! Shut up!
- Let's call the prayer line.

Uncle Mark.
You are a yuppie dickhead!

One day, I'm going to
buy and sell people like you.

- I'm going to make some noise.
- We know you are.

- Jonathan?
- Move!

Hey, that's my fireworks!

Where do you think you're going?
Get away from that car!

That's a loaner!

Stupid things didn't work.

They always work.

- I am the king of this castle!
- And I am his queen!

And we will burn it to the ground
before we let any of you back in!

You... parasites!

Are you the home owners here?

That's right,
what are you going to do about it?

Well, on behalf of the P.D.,

I've been authorized to issue an official
apology for what happened last night,

we're prepared to pay for the damages.

- All the damages?
- Yes, ma'am.

What, what about the criminal investigation?

Well, yeah, there was
some talk about pursuing that.

Until we found all our
hard evidence was missing.

What hard evidence?

That cat that dropped dead
on your lawn?

Yeah, it disappeared
out of the evidence room.

Believe me, there's going to be
hell to pay over that one.

Jesus Christ, Bannister!
I've been looking all over for you!

Oh yeah, Grindle?
Let me tell you something.

I have had it up to here
with loud-mouth bullies like you.

The Navy dropped their fraud charges.

You want to fire me, go ahead.

Hydrolux went up 157 points.

Do you know
what your problem is?

I made a bundle
because you hung in there.

You're the worst kind
of arrogant, small-minded...

- I want you to work for me.
- Buts!

- I'll double your salary.
- Screw you.

- All right, triple.
- Screw you blue.

Senior Vice-President at four times
your present salary.

That's my final offer!

- If that's okay.
- Let me tell you something, asshole.

Honey.
Shut up.

We'll let you know.

Great! Your kind of hard balls
are exactly what I've been looking for.

You and me are going to make millions!

I don't believe we've met.

Bob Grindle, ma'am.

- And you are?
- Your wildest dreams come true, darling.

Well, Lotus is definitely
the car of the future.

When my insurance kicks in,
I'm going to be back on easy street.

But in the meantime I was wondering
if you might happen to have room

at your place for me
and a couple of wonderful kids.

Maybe.

- Dad, I don't want to live with some cop!
- Hey!

You want to eat brussel sprouts
three meals a day, punk?

Yo baby, chop-chop.

Don't "yo baby" me.

You said you were going to change,
I thought might you change,

and maybe you'd shave,
you know you look like Fu Manchu.

- you could...
- Bernice. Remember what we practiced?

- No yupping.
- That's right.

Fine, good, you can do
all the talking from now on

because my jaws are tired
after all these years...

Scruffy-doodle! Oh, there is a God.
Come to me.

Bernice,

I don't think he wants to go with you.

According to my calculations, he has...
five lives left.

He's welcome to spend the rest
of them with us if he wants to.

He's earned it.

Don't be silly,
come to mama, sweetie.

Traitor.

We really got to stay in touch, Stretch.

I'll call you once a month.

Is collect okay till I get a job?

All right.
If you ever get to New Jersey...

We'll stay at the Holiday Inn.

I cannot believe this place
is really ours again.

I'll be back.