Madea's Farewell Play (2020) - full transcript
Filmed version of Tyler Perry final stage tour production of 'Madea's Farewell Play'.
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[Cheering and applause]
[Music playing]
Darlene:
♪ I can't stand the rain
♪ Against my window ♪
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ Hey, window pane ♪
♪ Tell me, do you remember ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ How we used to be ♪
♪ When we was together ♪
♪ And everything was so grand? ♪
♪ But now that we've parted ♪
♪ There's one thing
that I just can't stand ♪
♪ I can't stand the rain ♪
♪ Against my window
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ I can't stand the rain ♪
♪ Against my window ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ 'Cause he ain't here with me ♪
♪ Mm, mm, yeah ♪
♪ When we was together ♪
♪ And everything was so grand ♪
♪ But now that we've parted ♪
♪ There's one thing
that I just can't stand ♪
♪ Against my window ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ I can't stand it, no ♪
♪ Against my window, whoa ♪
♪ 'Cause he ain't here with me ♪
♪ I can't stand it, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ I can't stand it, no ♪
♪ Against my window,
oh, whoa, oh ♪
♪ 'Cause he ain't here with me ♪
♪ I can't stand it, no,
no, no, no... ♪
Robin: Whoo! Whoo!
Darlene, girl, I am so glad
it stopped raining outside.
It was coming down
like crazy out there.
Darlene: Oh, Robin,
Robin, OK now.
Now get off my carpet because
you're getting it all wet.
Robin: Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, look.
I forgot to make the greens
and the potato salad.
Darlene: You forgot
to make the greens?
- Yeah. I--
- Whoa! Thank you, God!
Darlene: I prayed,
and you heard me, God.
Whoo! I heard. Ooh!
Robin: Well, did you
make your pies?
Darlene: Ooh, yes,
I made my pies.
- You know my baby love my pies.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Look who I found.
- Darlene, Robin...
- Oh, girl!
- Oh!
Sylvia: guess who flew out
for the graduation. Ha ha!
- ♪ Mm! Mm! Hah! Hah!
- Wait, y'all.
Woman: ♪ Hey ♪
- Hey, boo.
- Hey.
- Come here.
- Whoo, girl, this dress.
- You know how to wear it.
- Ha ha! Thank you, girl.
Sylvia: Girl, I cannot believe
Malik is graduating.
Robin: Yes, he is.
Darlene: Yes, he is, and I am
so proud of my baby, y'all,
but--come on--
let's sit down.
Robin: Sylvia, how was
your flight, hon?
Sylvia: Girl, good, long, but
look at us all together again.
Robin: I know.
It's been a while with you
being so busy and all.
Sylvia: I know. I know,
but no matter where I am,
we're still like sisters.
Darlene: Ooh, yes, girl,
and you know you have
always been like kin
to our family, Sylvia.
We love you.
Robin: And thank you so much
for helping Darlene
get through this divorce.
Sylvia: Girl, come on.
Robin: She told me about all
the money that you loaned her.
Sylvia: Yeah. I just wish
I could've got you more
in the divorce.
- What? No. Sylvia,
you were great, all right,
and don't worry about me.
I'm holding on to my house.
It's all good.
- Oh.
- Don't even get me started.
Robin: I cannot believe she is
letting him come to this party
after all he did
to destroy her.
Omar: [Clears throat]
Well, hey, hey,
that's my cue.
Sounds like the male bashing's
about to go on.
Robin: No, it's not.
Darlene: Well, you know,
not everybody can have
a man as good as you, Omar.
- You know that.
- Oh, oh, I try. I try.
- Mm-hmm.
- Robin, where are the kids?
Robin: Girl, with their father.
Don't even get me started,
honey.
Sylvia: Mm, he must have custody
this weekend, huh?
Robin: Girl--
Darlene: Like she said,
do not get her started.
Robin, as far as I'm concerned,
you got everything you needed
out of your divorce.
I'm trying to hold on
to this house after mine,
so, please, no complaining
today, all right?
- OK.
- Oh, I apologize again.
Sylvia: Let's change
the subject. How can I help?
Robin: Whoa! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Sylvia, this ring!
Did you see this?
- Um, ring?
- Yeah. I'm en--
- Oh, are you engaged?
- Yes, but wait, wait, wait.
Darlene and Robin: Ooh!
♪ We gettin' married,
We gettin' married ♪
Darlene: Oh! Oh, my God,
this is amazing.
I'm so happy for you.
Girl--
TiTi: Hello!
Hello, hello, hello. I am here.
- Hey, TiTi.
- Hey.
Sylvia: Ooh, look at you looking
all grown and cute.
TiTi: Thank you.
Versace on the flow.
Darlene: Tiffany,
what is your problem,
and where is your brother?
TiTi: Mama, they left me.
I don't know why Devin
be acting so stuck-up.
- Um, Devin?
- Yeah. Mama, look at me.
TiTi: He know he like me.
Ha ha ha!
Robin: Baby, I don't think
he likes you.
TiTi: Uh, Robin,
not the time or the place.
Sylvia: Yeah. I'm sure he does.
Baby, don't worry about them.
Darlene: Actually, TiTi,
I think it's about time
for you to find somebody else,
baby, anybody else.
TiTi: No, Mama. That's exactly
what he keep telling me, Mama.
He told me to stop showing up
at his mama house.
He told me to stop showing up
at his basketball practice,
stop e-mailing him, and he
told me to stop showing up
in is window, but he shouldn't
have locked the door. Shoot.
- His window?
- Yeah.
Malik: Hey, Mama! Ha ha ha!
Darlene: Ooh, is that my baby?
Boy, you better come over here.
Oh, look at you.
Ooh, go say hi to your aunties.
- Miss Sylvia?
- Check you out, Malik.
- Oh, hey, Auntie.
- Hey, Mr. Graduate. Come here.
Devin: Hey, everybody,
Sylvia, Robin.
- Miss Samuels, how you doing?
- Hi, Devin. How are you?
TiTi: D., I text you,
like, 12 times,
and none of them said delivered.
- Did you block me?
- I changed my number, TiTi.
TiTi: And you ain't did
to let me know, D.?
Malik: Tiffany, stop,
TiTi: Ooh, if you don't mind
your business--
and y'all didn't have
to leave me.
Malik: Look.
We did not leave you.
You weren't supposed to ride
with us. Chill out.
TiTi: Anyways...
who we texting, boo?
Devin: Ladies, something
is smelling pretty good.
- Oh, that's me, babe.
- What?
Robin: Well, now, Devin,
we didn't know
you were coming today.
Devin: Oh, of course.
You know I had to come
support my boy's graduation
- Ma...
- Huh?
Malik: is that OK?
Darlene: Yeah. Yes. Of course.
Of course it's OK.
That's your friend, baby.
You know, I get it.
Devin: Yeah, so how are you,
Miss Samuels. How's everything?
Darlene:
Um, you know what, Devin? I--
Bam: ♪ Hootie-hoo, hootie-hoo ♪
- Whoo!
- ♪ Hootie-hoo ♪
- Waah!
- ♪ Hootie-hoo ♪
- Aunt Bam, Aunt Bam!
- Hey, Rob. Hey, Rob.
Hey, Rob, Robin, Robin,
get off me. Get off me.
Get your little breasts
off my big breasts. Ha!
Thank you, baby. You can put
that right there by that door.
I appreciate you coming out
there helping me, honey,
because--let me tell you
something--
Aah! Don't put my purse
on that floor!
Omar: I'm sorry.
Bam: Baby, that's bad luck.
Don't do that.
Thank y'all.
Thank you for this chair.
I walked all the way in here
from the sidewalk out there,
and those stairs
almost took me out.
Omar: Miss Bam,
is was only two stairs.
Bam: Well, it felt like
22 stairs, thank you very much.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait. Who is this?
Robin: This is my husband.
Bam: Oh, Robin, this is
your second husband--ha!--
because you didn't do nothing
with that first one, hon.
Come here, Robin.
Come here. Come here. Look.
I want you to lock
this one down, baby,
because I think I can
take him from you.
- Aunt Bam!
- Oh, yes, I can, honey.
- I'll be back.
- Come here. Come here.
Bam: Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here, baby.
Where you going?
Omar: To the store.
You need something?
Bam: You gonna go to the--
Ooh ooh. Ha ha ha!
You know what, baby?
I'd really like to just have
a six-pack of you, hon--
ha ha ha!--
and some candy I can suck on.
Ha ha ha!
I can suck on some now--
ha ha!--and I can
suck on some later.
Ha ha ha!
[Cell phone ringing]
Telephone for somebody.
Robin: Hello? What?
Jeffrey--
Jeffrey, if it doesn't have
anything to do with the kids,
then don't call me,
don't call me, and I mean it.
Bam: Jeffrey?
Is that your ex-husband?
Robin: Yes, ma'am,
getting on my nerves.
- You all right, baby?
- I'm fine, baby.
Omar: Look. I was gonna run
by the store, but I could stay.
Robin: No.
I'm good, sweetie, OK?
- OK.
- All right. Mwah.
Bam: Hee hee hee!
Oh, me next. Hee hee!
Mwah mwah mwah!
Mwah mwah mwah mwah! Hey, hey!
Oh, Robin, I love how
he loving on you, honey.
Darlene: Aunt Bam, thank you
so much for coming today.
Bam: Thank you, baby.
Thank you for the invite.
Darlene: Of course, and look.
I even made your favorite--
- ♪ Coffee
- Coffee?
Darlene: Yes, ma'am.
Bam: Man, baby, I don't
want no coffee.
- Honey, coffee make you black.
- What?
Bam: Yeah. I don't want
no coffee, baby, but thank you.
I see you heart.
I see your heart. Ha!
Sy--Sylvie, is that you.
Sylvie, I knew you were
gonna be here, girl.
I said, "I can't wait because
I know Sylvie gonna be--"
- Uh!
- Look at that. Oop! Ha ha!
- Ah!
- Still nasty.
Sylvia: You know it, Bam.
Bam: You still nasty,
and you wear nasty so well.
- Thank you, girl.
- You wear it well.
Bam: Oh, pass me my purse.
Hey to the 3 boys over there.
Hey, y'all, to the 3 y'all boys.
Hey, 3 boys.
- I'm gonna give it to him.
- Aunt Bam--
Bam: Uh-huh? Yes?
TiTi: Aunt Bam, I'm a girl.
Why you always do that?
Bam: Who is that?
Darlene: Aunt Bam,
you need to cut that out.
Now, you know that is
my daughter. Now stop that.
Bam: Ha! Who had her?
Darlene: Will you
stop it now, Aunt Bam?
That's TiTi, my baby,
my youngest.
Bam: Is that TiTi?
That's little TiTi?
- Yes.
- Hi, little TiTiTiTiTiTi.
Bam: Hey, TiTi, baby,
I wasn't looking way over there.
I didn't see you over there.
I was really looking
right here on this couch
at these two boys
sitting back here
looking like a snack.
- Aunt Bam--
- Leave me alone, Robin.
Bam: Leave me alone.
You know I like them fine
and little and wearing boots.
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
Bam: Here, baby, this is
for you. That's for you.
I picked that up for you. Heh!
Ain't no money in it, OK,
because--
but it's from my heart.
Hee hee! Mm.
Hey, guys, let me see
if I can't squeeze
my little self right on here.
Look at that, squoze right on
in there with y'all like that.
Don't do this man spread.
Man spread. Ha ha! Oh, yes.
Oh, so who is this?
Malik: Oh, this
is my friend Devin.
Bam: Hi, Devin. How old are you?
- I'm 26.
- You 26?
- And how old are you?
- I'm 23.
Bam: You're 23?
Aw, 26 and 23.
That's 49--ha ha!--
right in my prime.
Ha ha! Oh, yeah, boys.
Look here.
If I was just 5 years older--
huh huh!--
oh, I'd really mess y'all up.
Robin: OK. Now, if you were
5 years older?
Bam: Yes. If I was
5 years older, baby,
I'd really mess y'all up.
That way, see, yeah, that's when
my double Social Security'd
kick right in,
uh-huh, from when I worked at
the post office licking stamps--
ha ha ha!--and at Party Central,
I was blowing balloons.
Heh. Oh, yes.
I was licking and blowing
and blowing and licking.
Ha ha!
For about 10 years,
I was licking and blowing
and blowing and licking--
ha ha!--
and I'm gooooooooood
at it, too.
Oh, yes, sir.
I can licks and blows
with the best of them.
Darlene: Aunt Bam, stop it.
Now, you're gonna
scare these boys.
Bam: Oh, don't let me
scare you, baby. Just come on.
Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
I'll take a hug from you.
TiTi: No, no, no, no, no,
not him. Why you on my man?
Bam: No, no, no, no, no, baby.
The question is, why does your
hair look like an Easter egg?
TiTi: Hmm. OK. All right, Mama.
I tried. I tried.
I don't know why she
keep messing with me.
She don't know me like that,
and, Aunt Bam,
what is wrong with my hair?
Darlene: Nothing. Nothing, TiTi,
and, Aunt Bam,
please leave my daughter alone.
- Thank you.
- OK. All right. Sorry.
Bam: Hey, TiTi--hey, TiTiTiTi...
♪ Are they watching me
walk away? Whoo! ♪
♪ Are they watching me
walk away, walk away ♪
♪ Walk away, walk away,
walk away, walk away, walk-- ♪
TiTi: No. No, Aunt Bam.
They're not watching you...
limp away. They're not.
Bam: You know what, TiTi?
You really, really should not
act ugly, too.
Robin: Aunt Bam--ha!--
how'd you get here?
Bam: Huh? Do you know what?
I took the Ubber
over here, baby.
That's how I get around now.
I just call up the Ubber people,
and they come and pick me up.
TiTi: Aunt Bam,
you mean an Uber?
Bam: No. I mean an Ubber,
thank you.
That's the black people's
transportation, thank you.
I know what I'm talking about--
Ubber, thank you.
Listen, so I started requesting
the female drivers
because the male drivers
was always asking me
to rape them when I got
out of the car,
and I didn't like that.
Robin: Wait. What?
Bam: Yeah. That's what they say.
They said, "Rape me, please.
Rape me. Don't forget
to rape me. Rape me."
- Aunt Bam--
- What?
Bam: That's what they
would be saying to me, oh, oh,
and today when I got
out of that car,
the girl said to me,
"Don't forget to rape me."
I said, "What is the world
coming to?"
Sylvia: Now, Miss Bam,
that doesn't even sound right.
Bam: Sylvie, that's why
I'm telling you that,
because the girl
said it to me.
Devin: Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, Miss Bam.
I think they were trying to say
rate them, not rape.
I mean, who would say that?
Doesn't make no sense.
Bam: Now you want to
talk to me. Ha ha ha!
You better get on back over
there on that couch, baby,
before I take you up
on your offer.
Robin: No.
Auntie, no, no, no, no.
Rate, as in rate the service,
you know, give a good review...
- Oh, a "T"?
- with a "T."
Bam: Oh, rate them for
the serv--and a review.
Devin: Yes, ma'am, with a "T,"
and I got it right here for you.
OK. I'm gonna show you, OK?
Look at this.
- What you got for me?
- Babe, hold on.
TiTi: You know we a team.
Hold on. Make sure.
I got it pulled up right here.
Look, Aunt Bam.
Bam: Move back. baby. Move back.
You don't always
have to be in front. Move back.
Devin: OK. OK.
Now, you see this right here?
Bam: Oh, I see this
right here, hon.
Devin: Now, this is how you rate
your service. Look at that.
Bam: Oh, I'd like to rate
your service, baby.
I'll start up here
at the top of your head,
and I'll go all the way down
to your feet.
Darlene: Aunt Bam, Aunt Bam,
I am so glad
that you took an Uber
to get here today.
Bam: Yeah. No, no, no, baby.
It's an Ubber.
- I took the Ubber--
- Oh, the Ubber.
- thank you very much, baby--
- All right. My bad. I'm sorry.
Bam: and I had to take
that Ubber because,
you know, I don't drive no more.
I don't drive no more since
my cataracts started
acting up on me
and feel like it's done
bled down off into my knees.
Devin: Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Cataracts in your knees?
Bam: Yes, and that's why
I like my weeeeeed...
Devin: Now, that's
highly medical.
Bam: and I like it strong
as chemo.
TiTi: Mama, uh, yes,
speaking of weed,
we gonna need
a whole bunch of it.
- Daddy coming.
- Oh, TiTi--
Bam: Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're still talking to him?
I wouldn't have nothing to say
to him but 4-letter words.
Devin: And that's what I said.
Bam: You wait till Madea
hear about this.
TiTi: Whoa. Madea?
Bam: Yes. Baby, Madea coming
to the graduation.
TiTi: No! Because she used to
tease us when we was little--
right, Malik--and, Mama,
I'm not trying to be funny--
I'm not--but you know Madea
got a mustache.
You know, she got
a whole, little--
Bam: Hee! Well, I'm not trying
to be funny, either, baby,
but you some kin to her.
Ha ha!
You got a mustache popping out
and a beard coming out
down at the bottom.
You better be careful with that.
Ha ha ha!
Hey, Darlene--Hey, Darlene,
Darlene, back to you,
I can't believe you let that man
come in this house,
the way he dogged you out.
We had to put all of our money
together to help you
put that boy through school.
That man dogged you out
in them streets, baby.
He did. He said your twerk
did not work.
Darlene: What? Uh!
Bam: He said when you wiggle,
it made him giggle. Ha!
He said that when you pop,
he stop,
said you didn't have no skills
in the bed at all,
say you just lay there
dead and stanking.
- What?
- I said, "She was stanking?"
Bam: He said, "Stanking.
I'm talking stanking."
Darlene: Aunt Bam, stop it.
Now stop.
I am trying to do
the right thing
and to be an example
for my babies.
Is that all right with you?
Bam: What babies, honey?
You talking about them
grown children of yours
over there on that couch?
Cora: Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
- Cora! Sweet Cora.
- Look at you.
- Hey, Mama.
- Well, hello, sweetheart.
- Look at my baby.
- Hey, Miss Cora.
Cora: Well, hello, Sylvia.
Ooh, it's so good
to see all y'all.
- You, too.
- Hey, Grandma.
Cora: Oh, that's my grandson.
Look at you, boy.
- I'm so proud of y'all. Ha ha!
- Anyway...
TiTi: how's the best
grandma in the world?
How's the best grandma
in the world?
Cora: Hey, Ti, it's so good
to see you.
- You're looking good, baby.
- Thank you, Grandma.
- I'm glad you think so.
- Ooh, don't you--
- Girl, don't do that.
- What'd she do?
Cora: I'm so sorry, Bam.
How you doing?
Bam: I'm doing all right, Cora.
How are you doing
with your lying ass?
Cora: Wait a minute now,
and why do I have to be a liar?
Bam: Right. Why do you have
to be a liar, Cor--
- Where'd that girl go?
- Oh, she went to the back.
Bam: OK. Why you tell that girl
she look good?
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
Bam: Now, you know you know
that girl don't look good.
Cora: Now, I'm her grandmother.
I have to encourage her.
Bam: Cora, ain't that much
'couragement in all the Bible.
Cora: Oh, ha ha!
It's good to see you, Bam.
Bam: It's good to see you, too,
with your pretty self.
Cora: Thank you so much.
Hey, hey, Malik, I got something
for you, sweetheart.
I'm so proud of you
graduating from college.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, I'm so proud.
Darlene: Yes, because,
Lord knows, it wasn't easy.
Cora: No. It was no easy,
all the money we spent.
Boy, I mean, you better
do something with yourself.
- You hear me?
- That's right.
Malik: Trust me,
I'm gonna make it all back.
Robin: That's right, because
you're gonna be a lawyer.
Malik: Yep, and I'm moving
to New York
to be an intern
in Miss Sylvia's firm.
- Really? Oh.
- Yeah.
Darlene: Yes, baby, and you know
I'm gonna miss you,
but it's because
of this girl right here.
Sylvia, thank you so much
for getting my baby this job.
- Of course.
- That is so sweet.
Cora: There's nothing
like having
a good, good girlfriend, though.
Darlene: You are so right, Mama.
There sure ain't.
Now wait, wait now.
I know you didn't drive this way
all by yourself.
Cora: Oh, no. I didn't.
I don't know what's taking him
so long to get in here, though.
Get on in here.
What you doing out there?
Come on, y'all. Get in here.
Get in. There it is.
There he is. There he is.
Bam: Oh, Yeah. Oh!
Cora: Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ooh, Lord, have mercy.
Hee hee hee!
Brown: Lord, have mercy on who?
- On you.
- Is something funny?
- Yes.
- Do I look like a joke to you?
Brown: What you not fixing
to do is, you now fixing
to sit here and be laughing
at me in my face
around near people.
That's what you're not
fixing to do, Cora.
Cora: Well, you walked in here
like you a model or something.
Darlene: Right.
Brown: Cora, I'll have you
to know I'm something
like a senior citizen
runaway model.
- What now?
- Hey.
Brown: Cora, I'm tired.
We've been riding all day.
I'm hungry. I ain't ate nothing.
Darlene: Oh, Grandpa, come here.
Come give me a hug. Come here.
Brown: Uh-uh. You especially
don't say nothing to me.
Darlene: What?
What did I do to you?
Brown: You moved way out here
in the middle of nowhere
behind God's back.
That's what you do.
Darlene: well, Mr. Brown,
stop that.
Now, I got to live
where I can afford.
Cora: That's right.
Brown: Well, why you can't live
where the rest of us
broke people live, like,
in the 'hood or somewhere?
- Oh, Mr. Brown--
- What?
Brown: You trying to be all
boogie in this big, old house.
Cora and Darlene: "Boogie"?
Brown: That's what I said--
boogie.
- You mean "bougie."
- Whatever it is.
Brown: Cora, you ain't fed me
all day. I'm tired. I'm hungry.
Robin: Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown,
calm down. Calm down. It's OK.
Brown: You calm down, Robert.
Robin: It's "Robin," Mr. Brown.
Brown: Well, Robin,
tell Batman I said hi.
Cora: Mr. Brown...
Brown: I've been trying
to eat something.
- now, she's right.
- You wouldn't stop to get--
- Calm down.
- Do I look calmed up?
Cora: Well, I don't know.
Well, I told you I would drive
for you earlier now.
Brown: Cora, I should've took
a Yubber over here.
Cora: You--ha! No.
That ain't the thing you're
supposed to take, but look.
That's OK. We got it.
We made it.
Brown: "But we made it," Cora.
Anyway, Cora, why you buy
that little, old clown car?
Cora: Oh, that's a Mini car.
That's what it is.
- But you ain't no mini Cora.
- Watch it.
Brown: "Watch it"?
I'm tired, Cora. I'm hungry.
I don't feel good or nothing.
Cora: Well, look.
Let's speak to everybody.
Brown: Everybody, spoke.
- Yeah, Brown.
- Now look.
Cora: This is Malik
right here,
you're great-grandson,
and this is his best friend
right here--Devin.
Brown:
Hey, Malika and Demon.
- Well, what is wrong with you?
- well, I spoke to everybody.
Brown: Y'all got a problem?
Anybody got a problem?
Cora: Why are you so cranky?
Brown: I'm not cranky, Cora.
I'm crook.
Cora: Well, I think
your sugar's acting up.
Brown: It's your sugar.
Cora: I don't have
a problem with sugar.
Brown: You look like sugar.
I bet you, you sweat jelly.
- Ha ha ha!
- Leave me alone.
Bam: Well, I bet you
it's apple jelly
because I know
it ain't grape jelly.
Ha ha ha!
Cora: I know that ain't
the peanut butter
laughing at the jelly
over here.
Bam: Who the--who the--
who the peanut butter?
Cora and Brown: You.
Bam: Ha! Well, I bet you, it's
some smooooooth peanut butter!
Oh, I know it ain't crunchy.
Ha ha ha!
Brown: I bet you,
you sweat prune juice.
Cora: Mr. Brown!
Bam: Don't you talk
about me, Brown,
sitting over there looking
like a little Raisinet
with some white boots on.
Cora: Would y'all be nice?
Don't do that.
Bam: All right. Cora, listen.
Let me tell you something.
My Jimmy used to act
just like that.
He just used to act like that.
All you need to do is just give
him a little piece of candy.
Cora: OK.
Bam: It will regulate
his sugar for him.
Omar: Hey, hey, hey, that's not
a good idea, Miss Bam.
Bam: What?
What's not a good idea?
Omar: I know you're my elder,
but I'm a doctor,
and I'm telling you,
it's not a good idea
to just give him sugar.
- I can check it for him.
- Mm.
Bam: Check?
I can check it for him.
I don't need you checking, babe.
We didn't even have no doctors
back in our day, baby.
We just died with dignity.
We don't need you
to check it for us.
I could check it.
I told you,
Jimmy used to have this.
Brown, stick your tongue out.
I know how to check it for him.
I can check it for him.
Stick your tongue out.
Let me check your sugar for--
See, right--uh-oh.
See right there?
That ain't even no sugar.
- Well, what it is?
- What is it?
- That's the cancer.
- What? Well, how you know?
Bam: It's because he got
two white lines
and two white dots
outside each other,
and his tongue is real ashy.
Brown: Yes. I was looking
in the mirror this morning,
and I looked, and I said
to myself, I said, "Self..."
Myself said, "Huh?"
I said, "You got the cancer
on your tongue."
- You did?
- Just like that.
Brown: I already--Cora, am I
gonna be able to talk anymore?
Cora: I don't know.
I don't know.
- I think I might be--
- Well, how about--
Cora: I don't know.
How about a piece of this?
Omar: Hey, hey,
y'all fixing to kill him.
Bam: Cora, don't give him
this candy, boy. Ha ha!
Oh, you know, you remember
that commercial.
He may be Aretha Franklin
up under all of them colors. Ha!
Brown: Uh-uh.
You not gonna sit there
and talk about Aretha Franklin.
She was the queen,
God rest her soul.
- Yes, she was. The queen.
- Yes, she was.
Bam: She was the queen, now--
sure, she was--
but she ain't
the only queen, honey.
There's a whole lot
of queens around.
You just got to watch them.
Watch and look for them.
You can find them.
You can see them.
Cora: Stop. Stop that, Bam.
Here, here.
Eat this piece of candy.
Maybe this'll regulate
your sugar.
- OK.
- Lord, have mercy.
- You'll put him in a coma.
- Or make it even worse.
Darlene: Boys, go get
their bags, please.
Brown: Uh-uh. Nuh-uh. I don't
want them touching my Louis.
Cora: Oh you got
Louis Vuitton, Mr. Brown?
Brown: No.
I got Louis Armstrong's.
Darlene: What?
Brown: I got them bags traveling
with Louis Armstrong hisself.
Cora: You did?
Brown: We used to travel
the dangerous highways,
byways, and back ways.
- Oh.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Brown: I played in his band.
Darlene: Oh.
Well, what did you play?
Brown: Oh, I played the whistle.
- The whistle?
- Yeah.
Brown: He would do a solo,
and he'd point at me.
Whenever he'd point,
I knew to whistle.
- Oh.
- Really?
Brown: He'd point, I'd just...
[Whistling]
Bam: He'd just point like that.
He'd just point like that.
What if he held it like--
- Uh...
- Oh, no. He's going.
- Girl, you gonna kill me.
- Ha ha ha!
Darlene: Well, I think
they can handle it, Grandpa.
- Golly!
- What is it?
- That's a big, old girl.
- What? Who--
Cora: Would you stop that.
Brown: She look like
she lift weights.
You lift weights?
She look like
a strong cheerleader.
TiTi: And you know what,
Paw Paw?
I was a strong cheerleader,
just as strong as them colors
in your jacket.
- Oh.
- Ti!
Brown: Why she look
like a Ghetto Barbie?
Darlene: Don't mind him, baby.
Don't mind him.
- Cora...
- Hmm?
- I feel good now.
- Well, that's good.
- I'm glad you feel better.
- You know what I feel like?
- Oh, don't you start, Brown.
- No. I feel like church.
Bam: I knew it.
Brown: I feel like you should
be able to have church
wherever you want
to have church.
- All right. All right.
- OK.
Brown: Sometime I'm sitting
in the bathroom,
and I just church.
I'm riding in the car, church.
I go to the mall, church.
I go down to the food court,
church. Mm.
Sometimes I sit there,
and it's just me, my savior,
and my sandwich,
and it's just...
- Church.
- church.
Brown: I can hear music.
Sometime I just hear it
in my ear, just like that,
and then I can hear angels
in the back just...
♪ Oh, oh, Mary ♪
Chorus: ♪ Oh, oh, Mary ♪
Brown: I say...
Chorus: ♪ Oh, oh, Mary... ♪
Brown: ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Yeah, hee hee ♪
♪ Hee hee ♪
♪ I said, Mary ♪
Chorus: ♪ Oh, Mary,
don't you weep ♪
Cora: Go ahead now!
Brown: ♪ Tell Martha not--
not to moan ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Chorus:
♪ Tell Martha not to moan ♪
Brown: ♪ Oh, oh, Mary ♪
♪ Aw, Mary ♪
♪ Hee hoo ♪
♪ Tell Martha not--
not to moan ♪
♪ Ah, yeah ♪
Bam, can you sing a little bit
of it for me? Take your time.
Bam: ♪ Pharaoh's army ♪
♪ One day, one day,
they got drowned up ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I said, Mary ♪
♪ Come on, Mary ♪
♪ Just don't weep ♪
♪ Tell Martha,
tell her not to moan ♪
Brown: I want you
to take your time
and sing it like when you
was a little girl at church.
Take your time but hurry up.
Darlene: ♪ Some ♪
♪ Glad morning ♪
♪ When--when this life ♪
♪ Is over ♪
- Ha ha ha! ♪ I
- ♪ I ♪
Darlene: ♪ I said, I ♪
♪ I'll fly away ♪
♪ Oh, but when I die ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'll fly,
I'll fly away ♪
♪ Hey ♪
Whoo! Praise the Lord.
Brown: See, sometimes we didn't
even have music in our church.
We would just go like this.
Bam: Look at that right there.
Brown: ♪ By and by ♪
♪ When the morning comes ♪
♪ All the saints of-- ♪
Chorus: ♪ Of God gathered home ♪
Brown: ♪ Oh
Chorus: ♪ Tell the story ♪
Brown: ♪ I'm gonna tell
how high ♪
♪ And we'll--whoo! ♪
Chorus: ♪ We'll understand it
better by and by ♪
Brown: ♪ Hey, by and by ♪
♪ When the morning ♪
♪ And all the saints ♪
♪ Of God ♪
♪ We will ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell how high ♪
♪ And we'll under-- ♪
Can I say it one more time?
♪ Hey, by and by ♪
♪ When the morning ♪
♪ And all the saints of--
saints of God ♪
Chorus: ♪ Of God
are gathered home ♪
Brown: ♪ We will ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell how high,
whoo! ♪
Chorus: ♪ And we'll
understand it better ♪
All: ♪ By and by ♪
Brown: ♪ Yeah, whoo! ♪
♪ Yeah, hee hoo ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, whoo! ♪
Whoo!
Cora: Hallelujah.
- My, my.
-You sang that great.
Brown: ♪ Whoo hoo ♪
- What y'all doing, baby?
- We singing church.
Madea: Oh, I heard it.
I heard y'all out there.
- I got a church song.
- Yes!
Madea: ♪ I
Bam: Huh!
Madea: ♪ I need a drink ♪
♪ I need a smoke ♪
Ha ha ha!
Bam: Madea.
Madea: ♪ I need some strong weed
to make me joke ♪
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
Brown: Mabel that's just
ignorance standing there
looking like a big sake of trash
stuffed in a Spanx.
Madea: And you standing there
looking like a bag of Skittles
just vomited
all over that damn suit.
Get the hell up out
of my face, Brown, with that.
- Hey, Grandma, come here.
- Hey, Grandma.
Madea: No. No. Back the hell up.
Got that Corolla virus
going around.
Y'all back the hell up.
Get off me with that.
Cora: Oh, Madea.
- Hey, Madea.
- Omar, is that you?
- Yes, ma'am.
- You still a doctor?
- That I am.
- Ooh!
- You OK, Madea?
- My hip just went out.
Madea: Can you write me
a weed prescription
so I can smoke a little
to get my hip out--
Cora: He is not writing you
no weed prescription.
- Cora...
- Huh?
- how much weight you lost?
- 50 pounds, Madea.
- 50 pounds, girl?
- Yes. Yes. Thank you, Lord.
Madea: Well,
you looking good, baby.
- You looking good.
- I'm looking good?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Mabel...
- Hmm?
Bam: let me tell you something.
Madea: No. Don't say
nothing to me, Bam.
I told you to wait for me,
and you go jump
in one of them Ubber
lubbedder-dubbedder things,
whatever they call this.
Ain't even no real Uber,
just people just trying
to make some money.
Bam: Mabel, I called you
yesterday,
told you I wasn't gonna
ride with you, baby.
You remember the last time
we made that stop.
We almost got killed.
Madea: That's because
I told you to duck.
Who the hell
don't know how to duck?
If somebody said, "Hey, duck,"
you do this, right?
- Yes. You do.
- You get down right there,
Madea: but watch this.
Concentrate.
- Bam...
- What?
- duck.
- Nngh!
- What the hell is that?
- It's a duck.
- That's it?
- That's it.
Brown: What kind of stop
y'all make
where you almost got killed?
Madea: I had to drop something
off at one of my clients'.
Cora: So what are you
doing now, Madea?
- Oh, I'm selling weed again.
- What?
Madea: Yeah. Now that it's legal
in a lot of places,
baby, I'm selling it.
I'm getting
my reciprocicussion.
I mean, I went to jail
for about 3 months
back in the Eighties
for selling weed.
Now that it's legal, baby,
I'm getting--
Weed is a wonderful thing,
honey.
God did that for people.
Yes, he did.
Brown: Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
You're not about to put "God"
and "weed" in the same sentence.
Madea: Brown, I'm gonna tell
you, that weed is a miracle.
They pulling stuff called CBD
out of it,
and you make creams
and ointment.
You got some swelling and stuff,
you put it on your ankle thing,
your joints,
everything is wonderful.
You know I had all them injuries
from when I was
at the Field, you know.
Omar: Oh, yeah, like me, Madea.
I was an athlete.
- Really?
- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- What did you play?
- Linebacker.
Brown: She was a big-backed
linebacker like a bear.
Madea: I'm about to play
stab a black bastard
for all the slights.
- Say one more thing to me.
- Ha ha ha!
Madea: No, baby.
I wasn't on the field.
I worked at a place
called the Field.
I was a stripper.
They called me Bodacious.
I dropped that shoulder
like that,
and all them quarters
came rolling up next to me.
- It was wonderful, baby.
- Oh, wait. Wait.
Madea: Bodacious.
TiTi: Madea, did you just say
that you used to be a stripper?
Madea: Yes, and I didn't
make it rain,
but I sure knew
how to make it drizzle.
Speaking of that, Cora,
Lord, Dr. Phil said,
if you are a bad mother,
you need to apologize
to your child, so, baby,
I was watching this show,
so I'm just gonna go
and apologize to you.
I'm gonna apologize to you
right now.
I wasn't the best mother to you.
I didn't even know
I was pregnant.
I was sitting at the bar
drinking and went into labor.
- What?
- Baby, I was getting totaled.
Madea: I went to the doctor.
I said, "Something wrong
with my stomach."
He said, "Ma'am,
you've been drinking?
I said, "Yeah."
"Well, you're in labor."
- I said, "Oh, hell."
- What?
Madea: I looked down
at my belly.
I said, "Listen, kid.
Life is tough.
"If you want to come
out of there,
"you'll have to come on
on your own.
I'm hot helping you at all.
I'm not pushing for you."
I was getting you ready
for the world, baby...
- Oh.
- so I went on back to work.
Madea: He said, "Ma'am,
you gonna leave the hospital?"
I said, "Yes.
I'm not helping this child."
I went on.
I put on this--
I went on back to work,
and they called me up.
They said,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bodacious
to the stage."
I went up there.
I grabbed that pole,
spin around,
and there you were on the floor.
- On the stage?
- It was so beautiful.
- It was beautiful?
- Yes.
Madea: You was just
covered in glitter and money.
It was just beautiful,
dollar bills,
all dollar dollar bills,
y'all, all over you.
- Glitter and money?
- Yes. It was wonderful.
- That's terrible.
- That was good?
Perry: Yes.
Brown: The baby stripper.
Perry: Wait a minute.
I'm sorry. Ha ha ha!
- Baby stripper.
- Ha ha ha!
Perry: Just glitter.
That's so stupid.
- Do you need a drink?
- That is so stupid.
Just glitter.
Madea: Baby got glitter.
Ooh, my hormone dropping low.
I got to figure out
what's going on with it.
♪ Mi mi mi ♪
Brown: Maybe you need to get
your prostate checked.
Madea: I will as soon as you
get your uterus scraped.
Cora: Oh! Ha ha ha!
Sylvia: Ooh, Madea, you--
you have not changed a bit.
Madea: That ain't Sylvia
sitting over there, baby.
- Yes, it is.
- Lord, have mercy.
- How you doing, baby?
- I'm good, Madea.
Madea: It's so good to see you.
Yes, indeed.
You're sitting there smiling,
and they tell me
your mama's in the hospital
on life support.
Baby, let me tell you something.
That is just so wrong.
People have started a pool
on the date and a time
- your mama's gonna die.
- What?
Madea: You can win $400 if you
guess the right date and time.
- Who would do that?
- I mean, people are low down,
baby, but--listen--your mama
was a strong woman.
She wouldn't want to be
landing like that
with people taking care of her,
so y'all go up in there
on Tuesday morning
at 8:11 in the morning...
Bam: Hee!
Madea: and y'all unplug her.
- Madea--
- Don't let it get to 8:12.
Madea: Grab that hose and cut
it off real quick and choke--
- Madea!
- Choke her out. Choke her out.
Sylvia: Madea, that is terrible.
I've been trying to tell you,
she better now.
- Thank the Lord.
- What you mean, she's better?
- She on life support?
- No.
Sylvia: She's not
on life support anymore.
- She still in the hospital?
- No. She's at home.
- You should come visit her.
- Lost my damn money.
Bam: Mabel--hee!--you started
that pool, didn't you?
Madea: Yeah.
Didn't like her mama.
I didn't like her mama, didn't
like her grandmother, either.
- Why?
- Why?
Madea: Oh, her grandmother
stole my man.
I'll never forget it.
It was Montgomery, 1954,
December 1.
- Oh.
- It was a cold day...
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Madea: and I was messing around
with this white man,
- Cora's daddy...
- Cora...
Bam: I though
you was the da--
Madea: and he left me,
him and Rose.
He was definitely messing around
with this woman named Rose.
She was my roommate.
Then she just moved out, left me
there in the house by myself.
- Really?
- Oh.
Madea: Yeah, and I was so mad, I
was going to work crying one day
singing Negro spirituals,
and I looked over up on the bus,
and there she was.
- Uh-uh.
- Really?
Madea: Yeah. There she was.
I saw her on the bus.
She was sitting there like that,
and he over there
sitting
♪♪
♪♪
[Cheering and applause]
[Music playing]
Darlene:
♪ I can't stand the rain
♪ Against my window ♪
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ Hey, window pane ♪
♪ Tell me, do you remember ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ How we used to be ♪
♪ When we was together ♪
♪ And everything was so grand? ♪
♪ But now that we've parted ♪
♪ There's one thing
that I just can't stand ♪
♪ I can't stand the rain ♪
♪ Against my window
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ I can't stand the rain ♪
♪ Against my window ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ 'Cause he ain't here with me ♪
♪ Mm, mm, yeah ♪
♪ When we was together ♪
♪ And everything was so grand ♪
♪ But now that we've parted ♪
♪ There's one thing
that I just can't stand ♪
♪ Against my window ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ I can't stand it, no ♪
♪ Against my window, whoa ♪
♪ 'Cause he ain't here with me ♪
♪ I can't stand it, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ Bringing back sweet memories ♪
♪ I can't stand it, no ♪
♪ Against my window,
oh, whoa, oh ♪
♪ 'Cause he ain't here with me ♪
♪ I can't stand it, no,
no, no, no... ♪
Robin: Whoo! Whoo!
Darlene, girl, I am so glad
it stopped raining outside.
It was coming down
like crazy out there.
Darlene: Oh, Robin,
Robin, OK now.
Now get off my carpet because
you're getting it all wet.
Robin: Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, look.
I forgot to make the greens
and the potato salad.
Darlene: You forgot
to make the greens?
- Yeah. I--
- Whoa! Thank you, God!
Darlene: I prayed,
and you heard me, God.
Whoo! I heard. Ooh!
Robin: Well, did you
make your pies?
Darlene: Ooh, yes,
I made my pies.
- You know my baby love my pies.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Look who I found.
- Darlene, Robin...
- Oh, girl!
- Oh!
Sylvia: guess who flew out
for the graduation. Ha ha!
- ♪ Mm! Mm! Hah! Hah!
- Wait, y'all.
Woman: ♪ Hey ♪
- Hey, boo.
- Hey.
- Come here.
- Whoo, girl, this dress.
- You know how to wear it.
- Ha ha! Thank you, girl.
Sylvia: Girl, I cannot believe
Malik is graduating.
Robin: Yes, he is.
Darlene: Yes, he is, and I am
so proud of my baby, y'all,
but--come on--
let's sit down.
Robin: Sylvia, how was
your flight, hon?
Sylvia: Girl, good, long, but
look at us all together again.
Robin: I know.
It's been a while with you
being so busy and all.
Sylvia: I know. I know,
but no matter where I am,
we're still like sisters.
Darlene: Ooh, yes, girl,
and you know you have
always been like kin
to our family, Sylvia.
We love you.
Robin: And thank you so much
for helping Darlene
get through this divorce.
Sylvia: Girl, come on.
Robin: She told me about all
the money that you loaned her.
Sylvia: Yeah. I just wish
I could've got you more
in the divorce.
- What? No. Sylvia,
you were great, all right,
and don't worry about me.
I'm holding on to my house.
It's all good.
- Oh.
- Don't even get me started.
Robin: I cannot believe she is
letting him come to this party
after all he did
to destroy her.
Omar: [Clears throat]
Well, hey, hey,
that's my cue.
Sounds like the male bashing's
about to go on.
Robin: No, it's not.
Darlene: Well, you know,
not everybody can have
a man as good as you, Omar.
- You know that.
- Oh, oh, I try. I try.
- Mm-hmm.
- Robin, where are the kids?
Robin: Girl, with their father.
Don't even get me started,
honey.
Sylvia: Mm, he must have custody
this weekend, huh?
Robin: Girl--
Darlene: Like she said,
do not get her started.
Robin, as far as I'm concerned,
you got everything you needed
out of your divorce.
I'm trying to hold on
to this house after mine,
so, please, no complaining
today, all right?
- OK.
- Oh, I apologize again.
Sylvia: Let's change
the subject. How can I help?
Robin: Whoa! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Sylvia, this ring!
Did you see this?
- Um, ring?
- Yeah. I'm en--
- Oh, are you engaged?
- Yes, but wait, wait, wait.
Darlene and Robin: Ooh!
♪ We gettin' married,
We gettin' married ♪
Darlene: Oh! Oh, my God,
this is amazing.
I'm so happy for you.
Girl--
TiTi: Hello!
Hello, hello, hello. I am here.
- Hey, TiTi.
- Hey.
Sylvia: Ooh, look at you looking
all grown and cute.
TiTi: Thank you.
Versace on the flow.
Darlene: Tiffany,
what is your problem,
and where is your brother?
TiTi: Mama, they left me.
I don't know why Devin
be acting so stuck-up.
- Um, Devin?
- Yeah. Mama, look at me.
TiTi: He know he like me.
Ha ha ha!
Robin: Baby, I don't think
he likes you.
TiTi: Uh, Robin,
not the time or the place.
Sylvia: Yeah. I'm sure he does.
Baby, don't worry about them.
Darlene: Actually, TiTi,
I think it's about time
for you to find somebody else,
baby, anybody else.
TiTi: No, Mama. That's exactly
what he keep telling me, Mama.
He told me to stop showing up
at his mama house.
He told me to stop showing up
at his basketball practice,
stop e-mailing him, and he
told me to stop showing up
in is window, but he shouldn't
have locked the door. Shoot.
- His window?
- Yeah.
Malik: Hey, Mama! Ha ha ha!
Darlene: Ooh, is that my baby?
Boy, you better come over here.
Oh, look at you.
Ooh, go say hi to your aunties.
- Miss Sylvia?
- Check you out, Malik.
- Oh, hey, Auntie.
- Hey, Mr. Graduate. Come here.
Devin: Hey, everybody,
Sylvia, Robin.
- Miss Samuels, how you doing?
- Hi, Devin. How are you?
TiTi: D., I text you,
like, 12 times,
and none of them said delivered.
- Did you block me?
- I changed my number, TiTi.
TiTi: And you ain't did
to let me know, D.?
Malik: Tiffany, stop,
TiTi: Ooh, if you don't mind
your business--
and y'all didn't have
to leave me.
Malik: Look.
We did not leave you.
You weren't supposed to ride
with us. Chill out.
TiTi: Anyways...
who we texting, boo?
Devin: Ladies, something
is smelling pretty good.
- Oh, that's me, babe.
- What?
Robin: Well, now, Devin,
we didn't know
you were coming today.
Devin: Oh, of course.
You know I had to come
support my boy's graduation
- Ma...
- Huh?
Malik: is that OK?
Darlene: Yeah. Yes. Of course.
Of course it's OK.
That's your friend, baby.
You know, I get it.
Devin: Yeah, so how are you,
Miss Samuels. How's everything?
Darlene:
Um, you know what, Devin? I--
Bam: ♪ Hootie-hoo, hootie-hoo ♪
- Whoo!
- ♪ Hootie-hoo ♪
- Waah!
- ♪ Hootie-hoo ♪
- Aunt Bam, Aunt Bam!
- Hey, Rob. Hey, Rob.
Hey, Rob, Robin, Robin,
get off me. Get off me.
Get your little breasts
off my big breasts. Ha!
Thank you, baby. You can put
that right there by that door.
I appreciate you coming out
there helping me, honey,
because--let me tell you
something--
Aah! Don't put my purse
on that floor!
Omar: I'm sorry.
Bam: Baby, that's bad luck.
Don't do that.
Thank y'all.
Thank you for this chair.
I walked all the way in here
from the sidewalk out there,
and those stairs
almost took me out.
Omar: Miss Bam,
is was only two stairs.
Bam: Well, it felt like
22 stairs, thank you very much.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait. Who is this?
Robin: This is my husband.
Bam: Oh, Robin, this is
your second husband--ha!--
because you didn't do nothing
with that first one, hon.
Come here, Robin.
Come here. Come here. Look.
I want you to lock
this one down, baby,
because I think I can
take him from you.
- Aunt Bam!
- Oh, yes, I can, honey.
- I'll be back.
- Come here. Come here.
Bam: Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here, baby.
Where you going?
Omar: To the store.
You need something?
Bam: You gonna go to the--
Ooh ooh. Ha ha ha!
You know what, baby?
I'd really like to just have
a six-pack of you, hon--
ha ha ha!--
and some candy I can suck on.
Ha ha ha!
I can suck on some now--
ha ha!--and I can
suck on some later.
Ha ha ha!
[Cell phone ringing]
Telephone for somebody.
Robin: Hello? What?
Jeffrey--
Jeffrey, if it doesn't have
anything to do with the kids,
then don't call me,
don't call me, and I mean it.
Bam: Jeffrey?
Is that your ex-husband?
Robin: Yes, ma'am,
getting on my nerves.
- You all right, baby?
- I'm fine, baby.
Omar: Look. I was gonna run
by the store, but I could stay.
Robin: No.
I'm good, sweetie, OK?
- OK.
- All right. Mwah.
Bam: Hee hee hee!
Oh, me next. Hee hee!
Mwah mwah mwah!
Mwah mwah mwah mwah! Hey, hey!
Oh, Robin, I love how
he loving on you, honey.
Darlene: Aunt Bam, thank you
so much for coming today.
Bam: Thank you, baby.
Thank you for the invite.
Darlene: Of course, and look.
I even made your favorite--
- ♪ Coffee
- Coffee?
Darlene: Yes, ma'am.
Bam: Man, baby, I don't
want no coffee.
- Honey, coffee make you black.
- What?
Bam: Yeah. I don't want
no coffee, baby, but thank you.
I see you heart.
I see your heart. Ha!
Sy--Sylvie, is that you.
Sylvie, I knew you were
gonna be here, girl.
I said, "I can't wait because
I know Sylvie gonna be--"
- Uh!
- Look at that. Oop! Ha ha!
- Ah!
- Still nasty.
Sylvia: You know it, Bam.
Bam: You still nasty,
and you wear nasty so well.
- Thank you, girl.
- You wear it well.
Bam: Oh, pass me my purse.
Hey to the 3 boys over there.
Hey, y'all, to the 3 y'all boys.
Hey, 3 boys.
- I'm gonna give it to him.
- Aunt Bam--
Bam: Uh-huh? Yes?
TiTi: Aunt Bam, I'm a girl.
Why you always do that?
Bam: Who is that?
Darlene: Aunt Bam,
you need to cut that out.
Now, you know that is
my daughter. Now stop that.
Bam: Ha! Who had her?
Darlene: Will you
stop it now, Aunt Bam?
That's TiTi, my baby,
my youngest.
Bam: Is that TiTi?
That's little TiTi?
- Yes.
- Hi, little TiTiTiTiTiTi.
Bam: Hey, TiTi, baby,
I wasn't looking way over there.
I didn't see you over there.
I was really looking
right here on this couch
at these two boys
sitting back here
looking like a snack.
- Aunt Bam--
- Leave me alone, Robin.
Bam: Leave me alone.
You know I like them fine
and little and wearing boots.
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
Bam: Here, baby, this is
for you. That's for you.
I picked that up for you. Heh!
Ain't no money in it, OK,
because--
but it's from my heart.
Hee hee! Mm.
Hey, guys, let me see
if I can't squeeze
my little self right on here.
Look at that, squoze right on
in there with y'all like that.
Don't do this man spread.
Man spread. Ha ha! Oh, yes.
Oh, so who is this?
Malik: Oh, this
is my friend Devin.
Bam: Hi, Devin. How old are you?
- I'm 26.
- You 26?
- And how old are you?
- I'm 23.
Bam: You're 23?
Aw, 26 and 23.
That's 49--ha ha!--
right in my prime.
Ha ha! Oh, yeah, boys.
Look here.
If I was just 5 years older--
huh huh!--
oh, I'd really mess y'all up.
Robin: OK. Now, if you were
5 years older?
Bam: Yes. If I was
5 years older, baby,
I'd really mess y'all up.
That way, see, yeah, that's when
my double Social Security'd
kick right in,
uh-huh, from when I worked at
the post office licking stamps--
ha ha ha!--and at Party Central,
I was blowing balloons.
Heh. Oh, yes.
I was licking and blowing
and blowing and licking.
Ha ha!
For about 10 years,
I was licking and blowing
and blowing and licking--
ha ha!--
and I'm gooooooooood
at it, too.
Oh, yes, sir.
I can licks and blows
with the best of them.
Darlene: Aunt Bam, stop it.
Now, you're gonna
scare these boys.
Bam: Oh, don't let me
scare you, baby. Just come on.
Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
I'll take a hug from you.
TiTi: No, no, no, no, no,
not him. Why you on my man?
Bam: No, no, no, no, no, baby.
The question is, why does your
hair look like an Easter egg?
TiTi: Hmm. OK. All right, Mama.
I tried. I tried.
I don't know why she
keep messing with me.
She don't know me like that,
and, Aunt Bam,
what is wrong with my hair?
Darlene: Nothing. Nothing, TiTi,
and, Aunt Bam,
please leave my daughter alone.
- Thank you.
- OK. All right. Sorry.
Bam: Hey, TiTi--hey, TiTiTiTi...
♪ Are they watching me
walk away? Whoo! ♪
♪ Are they watching me
walk away, walk away ♪
♪ Walk away, walk away,
walk away, walk away, walk-- ♪
TiTi: No. No, Aunt Bam.
They're not watching you...
limp away. They're not.
Bam: You know what, TiTi?
You really, really should not
act ugly, too.
Robin: Aunt Bam--ha!--
how'd you get here?
Bam: Huh? Do you know what?
I took the Ubber
over here, baby.
That's how I get around now.
I just call up the Ubber people,
and they come and pick me up.
TiTi: Aunt Bam,
you mean an Uber?
Bam: No. I mean an Ubber,
thank you.
That's the black people's
transportation, thank you.
I know what I'm talking about--
Ubber, thank you.
Listen, so I started requesting
the female drivers
because the male drivers
was always asking me
to rape them when I got
out of the car,
and I didn't like that.
Robin: Wait. What?
Bam: Yeah. That's what they say.
They said, "Rape me, please.
Rape me. Don't forget
to rape me. Rape me."
- Aunt Bam--
- What?
Bam: That's what they
would be saying to me, oh, oh,
and today when I got
out of that car,
the girl said to me,
"Don't forget to rape me."
I said, "What is the world
coming to?"
Sylvia: Now, Miss Bam,
that doesn't even sound right.
Bam: Sylvie, that's why
I'm telling you that,
because the girl
said it to me.
Devin: Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, Miss Bam.
I think they were trying to say
rate them, not rape.
I mean, who would say that?
Doesn't make no sense.
Bam: Now you want to
talk to me. Ha ha ha!
You better get on back over
there on that couch, baby,
before I take you up
on your offer.
Robin: No.
Auntie, no, no, no, no.
Rate, as in rate the service,
you know, give a good review...
- Oh, a "T"?
- with a "T."
Bam: Oh, rate them for
the serv--and a review.
Devin: Yes, ma'am, with a "T,"
and I got it right here for you.
OK. I'm gonna show you, OK?
Look at this.
- What you got for me?
- Babe, hold on.
TiTi: You know we a team.
Hold on. Make sure.
I got it pulled up right here.
Look, Aunt Bam.
Bam: Move back. baby. Move back.
You don't always
have to be in front. Move back.
Devin: OK. OK.
Now, you see this right here?
Bam: Oh, I see this
right here, hon.
Devin: Now, this is how you rate
your service. Look at that.
Bam: Oh, I'd like to rate
your service, baby.
I'll start up here
at the top of your head,
and I'll go all the way down
to your feet.
Darlene: Aunt Bam, Aunt Bam,
I am so glad
that you took an Uber
to get here today.
Bam: Yeah. No, no, no, baby.
It's an Ubber.
- I took the Ubber--
- Oh, the Ubber.
- thank you very much, baby--
- All right. My bad. I'm sorry.
Bam: and I had to take
that Ubber because,
you know, I don't drive no more.
I don't drive no more since
my cataracts started
acting up on me
and feel like it's done
bled down off into my knees.
Devin: Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Cataracts in your knees?
Bam: Yes, and that's why
I like my weeeeeed...
Devin: Now, that's
highly medical.
Bam: and I like it strong
as chemo.
TiTi: Mama, uh, yes,
speaking of weed,
we gonna need
a whole bunch of it.
- Daddy coming.
- Oh, TiTi--
Bam: Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're still talking to him?
I wouldn't have nothing to say
to him but 4-letter words.
Devin: And that's what I said.
Bam: You wait till Madea
hear about this.
TiTi: Whoa. Madea?
Bam: Yes. Baby, Madea coming
to the graduation.
TiTi: No! Because she used to
tease us when we was little--
right, Malik--and, Mama,
I'm not trying to be funny--
I'm not--but you know Madea
got a mustache.
You know, she got
a whole, little--
Bam: Hee! Well, I'm not trying
to be funny, either, baby,
but you some kin to her.
Ha ha!
You got a mustache popping out
and a beard coming out
down at the bottom.
You better be careful with that.
Ha ha ha!
Hey, Darlene--Hey, Darlene,
Darlene, back to you,
I can't believe you let that man
come in this house,
the way he dogged you out.
We had to put all of our money
together to help you
put that boy through school.
That man dogged you out
in them streets, baby.
He did. He said your twerk
did not work.
Darlene: What? Uh!
Bam: He said when you wiggle,
it made him giggle. Ha!
He said that when you pop,
he stop,
said you didn't have no skills
in the bed at all,
say you just lay there
dead and stanking.
- What?
- I said, "She was stanking?"
Bam: He said, "Stanking.
I'm talking stanking."
Darlene: Aunt Bam, stop it.
Now stop.
I am trying to do
the right thing
and to be an example
for my babies.
Is that all right with you?
Bam: What babies, honey?
You talking about them
grown children of yours
over there on that couch?
Cora: Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
- Cora! Sweet Cora.
- Look at you.
- Hey, Mama.
- Well, hello, sweetheart.
- Look at my baby.
- Hey, Miss Cora.
Cora: Well, hello, Sylvia.
Ooh, it's so good
to see all y'all.
- You, too.
- Hey, Grandma.
Cora: Oh, that's my grandson.
Look at you, boy.
- I'm so proud of y'all. Ha ha!
- Anyway...
TiTi: how's the best
grandma in the world?
How's the best grandma
in the world?
Cora: Hey, Ti, it's so good
to see you.
- You're looking good, baby.
- Thank you, Grandma.
- I'm glad you think so.
- Ooh, don't you--
- Girl, don't do that.
- What'd she do?
Cora: I'm so sorry, Bam.
How you doing?
Bam: I'm doing all right, Cora.
How are you doing
with your lying ass?
Cora: Wait a minute now,
and why do I have to be a liar?
Bam: Right. Why do you have
to be a liar, Cor--
- Where'd that girl go?
- Oh, she went to the back.
Bam: OK. Why you tell that girl
she look good?
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
Bam: Now, you know you know
that girl don't look good.
Cora: Now, I'm her grandmother.
I have to encourage her.
Bam: Cora, ain't that much
'couragement in all the Bible.
Cora: Oh, ha ha!
It's good to see you, Bam.
Bam: It's good to see you, too,
with your pretty self.
Cora: Thank you so much.
Hey, hey, Malik, I got something
for you, sweetheart.
I'm so proud of you
graduating from college.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, I'm so proud.
Darlene: Yes, because,
Lord knows, it wasn't easy.
Cora: No. It was no easy,
all the money we spent.
Boy, I mean, you better
do something with yourself.
- You hear me?
- That's right.
Malik: Trust me,
I'm gonna make it all back.
Robin: That's right, because
you're gonna be a lawyer.
Malik: Yep, and I'm moving
to New York
to be an intern
in Miss Sylvia's firm.
- Really? Oh.
- Yeah.
Darlene: Yes, baby, and you know
I'm gonna miss you,
but it's because
of this girl right here.
Sylvia, thank you so much
for getting my baby this job.
- Of course.
- That is so sweet.
Cora: There's nothing
like having
a good, good girlfriend, though.
Darlene: You are so right, Mama.
There sure ain't.
Now wait, wait now.
I know you didn't drive this way
all by yourself.
Cora: Oh, no. I didn't.
I don't know what's taking him
so long to get in here, though.
Get on in here.
What you doing out there?
Come on, y'all. Get in here.
Get in. There it is.
There he is. There he is.
Bam: Oh, Yeah. Oh!
Cora: Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ooh, Lord, have mercy.
Hee hee hee!
Brown: Lord, have mercy on who?
- On you.
- Is something funny?
- Yes.
- Do I look like a joke to you?
Brown: What you not fixing
to do is, you now fixing
to sit here and be laughing
at me in my face
around near people.
That's what you're not
fixing to do, Cora.
Cora: Well, you walked in here
like you a model or something.
Darlene: Right.
Brown: Cora, I'll have you
to know I'm something
like a senior citizen
runaway model.
- What now?
- Hey.
Brown: Cora, I'm tired.
We've been riding all day.
I'm hungry. I ain't ate nothing.
Darlene: Oh, Grandpa, come here.
Come give me a hug. Come here.
Brown: Uh-uh. You especially
don't say nothing to me.
Darlene: What?
What did I do to you?
Brown: You moved way out here
in the middle of nowhere
behind God's back.
That's what you do.
Darlene: well, Mr. Brown,
stop that.
Now, I got to live
where I can afford.
Cora: That's right.
Brown: Well, why you can't live
where the rest of us
broke people live, like,
in the 'hood or somewhere?
- Oh, Mr. Brown--
- What?
Brown: You trying to be all
boogie in this big, old house.
Cora and Darlene: "Boogie"?
Brown: That's what I said--
boogie.
- You mean "bougie."
- Whatever it is.
Brown: Cora, you ain't fed me
all day. I'm tired. I'm hungry.
Robin: Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown,
calm down. Calm down. It's OK.
Brown: You calm down, Robert.
Robin: It's "Robin," Mr. Brown.
Brown: Well, Robin,
tell Batman I said hi.
Cora: Mr. Brown...
Brown: I've been trying
to eat something.
- now, she's right.
- You wouldn't stop to get--
- Calm down.
- Do I look calmed up?
Cora: Well, I don't know.
Well, I told you I would drive
for you earlier now.
Brown: Cora, I should've took
a Yubber over here.
Cora: You--ha! No.
That ain't the thing you're
supposed to take, but look.
That's OK. We got it.
We made it.
Brown: "But we made it," Cora.
Anyway, Cora, why you buy
that little, old clown car?
Cora: Oh, that's a Mini car.
That's what it is.
- But you ain't no mini Cora.
- Watch it.
Brown: "Watch it"?
I'm tired, Cora. I'm hungry.
I don't feel good or nothing.
Cora: Well, look.
Let's speak to everybody.
Brown: Everybody, spoke.
- Yeah, Brown.
- Now look.
Cora: This is Malik
right here,
you're great-grandson,
and this is his best friend
right here--Devin.
Brown:
Hey, Malika and Demon.
- Well, what is wrong with you?
- well, I spoke to everybody.
Brown: Y'all got a problem?
Anybody got a problem?
Cora: Why are you so cranky?
Brown: I'm not cranky, Cora.
I'm crook.
Cora: Well, I think
your sugar's acting up.
Brown: It's your sugar.
Cora: I don't have
a problem with sugar.
Brown: You look like sugar.
I bet you, you sweat jelly.
- Ha ha ha!
- Leave me alone.
Bam: Well, I bet you
it's apple jelly
because I know
it ain't grape jelly.
Ha ha ha!
Cora: I know that ain't
the peanut butter
laughing at the jelly
over here.
Bam: Who the--who the--
who the peanut butter?
Cora and Brown: You.
Bam: Ha! Well, I bet you, it's
some smooooooth peanut butter!
Oh, I know it ain't crunchy.
Ha ha ha!
Brown: I bet you,
you sweat prune juice.
Cora: Mr. Brown!
Bam: Don't you talk
about me, Brown,
sitting over there looking
like a little Raisinet
with some white boots on.
Cora: Would y'all be nice?
Don't do that.
Bam: All right. Cora, listen.
Let me tell you something.
My Jimmy used to act
just like that.
He just used to act like that.
All you need to do is just give
him a little piece of candy.
Cora: OK.
Bam: It will regulate
his sugar for him.
Omar: Hey, hey, hey, that's not
a good idea, Miss Bam.
Bam: What?
What's not a good idea?
Omar: I know you're my elder,
but I'm a doctor,
and I'm telling you,
it's not a good idea
to just give him sugar.
- I can check it for him.
- Mm.
Bam: Check?
I can check it for him.
I don't need you checking, babe.
We didn't even have no doctors
back in our day, baby.
We just died with dignity.
We don't need you
to check it for us.
I could check it.
I told you,
Jimmy used to have this.
Brown, stick your tongue out.
I know how to check it for him.
I can check it for him.
Stick your tongue out.
Let me check your sugar for--
See, right--uh-oh.
See right there?
That ain't even no sugar.
- Well, what it is?
- What is it?
- That's the cancer.
- What? Well, how you know?
Bam: It's because he got
two white lines
and two white dots
outside each other,
and his tongue is real ashy.
Brown: Yes. I was looking
in the mirror this morning,
and I looked, and I said
to myself, I said, "Self..."
Myself said, "Huh?"
I said, "You got the cancer
on your tongue."
- You did?
- Just like that.
Brown: I already--Cora, am I
gonna be able to talk anymore?
Cora: I don't know.
I don't know.
- I think I might be--
- Well, how about--
Cora: I don't know.
How about a piece of this?
Omar: Hey, hey,
y'all fixing to kill him.
Bam: Cora, don't give him
this candy, boy. Ha ha!
Oh, you know, you remember
that commercial.
He may be Aretha Franklin
up under all of them colors. Ha!
Brown: Uh-uh.
You not gonna sit there
and talk about Aretha Franklin.
She was the queen,
God rest her soul.
- Yes, she was. The queen.
- Yes, she was.
Bam: She was the queen, now--
sure, she was--
but she ain't
the only queen, honey.
There's a whole lot
of queens around.
You just got to watch them.
Watch and look for them.
You can find them.
You can see them.
Cora: Stop. Stop that, Bam.
Here, here.
Eat this piece of candy.
Maybe this'll regulate
your sugar.
- OK.
- Lord, have mercy.
- You'll put him in a coma.
- Or make it even worse.
Darlene: Boys, go get
their bags, please.
Brown: Uh-uh. Nuh-uh. I don't
want them touching my Louis.
Cora: Oh you got
Louis Vuitton, Mr. Brown?
Brown: No.
I got Louis Armstrong's.
Darlene: What?
Brown: I got them bags traveling
with Louis Armstrong hisself.
Cora: You did?
Brown: We used to travel
the dangerous highways,
byways, and back ways.
- Oh.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Brown: I played in his band.
Darlene: Oh.
Well, what did you play?
Brown: Oh, I played the whistle.
- The whistle?
- Yeah.
Brown: He would do a solo,
and he'd point at me.
Whenever he'd point,
I knew to whistle.
- Oh.
- Really?
Brown: He'd point, I'd just...
[Whistling]
Bam: He'd just point like that.
He'd just point like that.
What if he held it like--
- Uh...
- Oh, no. He's going.
- Girl, you gonna kill me.
- Ha ha ha!
Darlene: Well, I think
they can handle it, Grandpa.
- Golly!
- What is it?
- That's a big, old girl.
- What? Who--
Cora: Would you stop that.
Brown: She look like
she lift weights.
You lift weights?
She look like
a strong cheerleader.
TiTi: And you know what,
Paw Paw?
I was a strong cheerleader,
just as strong as them colors
in your jacket.
- Oh.
- Ti!
Brown: Why she look
like a Ghetto Barbie?
Darlene: Don't mind him, baby.
Don't mind him.
- Cora...
- Hmm?
- I feel good now.
- Well, that's good.
- I'm glad you feel better.
- You know what I feel like?
- Oh, don't you start, Brown.
- No. I feel like church.
Bam: I knew it.
Brown: I feel like you should
be able to have church
wherever you want
to have church.
- All right. All right.
- OK.
Brown: Sometime I'm sitting
in the bathroom,
and I just church.
I'm riding in the car, church.
I go to the mall, church.
I go down to the food court,
church. Mm.
Sometimes I sit there,
and it's just me, my savior,
and my sandwich,
and it's just...
- Church.
- church.
Brown: I can hear music.
Sometime I just hear it
in my ear, just like that,
and then I can hear angels
in the back just...
♪ Oh, oh, Mary ♪
Chorus: ♪ Oh, oh, Mary ♪
Brown: I say...
Chorus: ♪ Oh, oh, Mary... ♪
Brown: ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Yeah, hee hee ♪
♪ Hee hee ♪
♪ I said, Mary ♪
Chorus: ♪ Oh, Mary,
don't you weep ♪
Cora: Go ahead now!
Brown: ♪ Tell Martha not--
not to moan ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Chorus:
♪ Tell Martha not to moan ♪
Brown: ♪ Oh, oh, Mary ♪
♪ Aw, Mary ♪
♪ Hee hoo ♪
♪ Tell Martha not--
not to moan ♪
♪ Ah, yeah ♪
Bam, can you sing a little bit
of it for me? Take your time.
Bam: ♪ Pharaoh's army ♪
♪ One day, one day,
they got drowned up ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I said, Mary ♪
♪ Come on, Mary ♪
♪ Just don't weep ♪
♪ Tell Martha,
tell her not to moan ♪
Brown: I want you
to take your time
and sing it like when you
was a little girl at church.
Take your time but hurry up.
Darlene: ♪ Some ♪
♪ Glad morning ♪
♪ When--when this life ♪
♪ Is over ♪
- Ha ha ha! ♪ I
- ♪ I ♪
Darlene: ♪ I said, I ♪
♪ I'll fly away ♪
♪ Oh, but when I die ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'll fly,
I'll fly away ♪
♪ Hey ♪
Whoo! Praise the Lord.
Brown: See, sometimes we didn't
even have music in our church.
We would just go like this.
Bam: Look at that right there.
Brown: ♪ By and by ♪
♪ When the morning comes ♪
♪ All the saints of-- ♪
Chorus: ♪ Of God gathered home ♪
Brown: ♪ Oh
Chorus: ♪ Tell the story ♪
Brown: ♪ I'm gonna tell
how high ♪
♪ And we'll--whoo! ♪
Chorus: ♪ We'll understand it
better by and by ♪
Brown: ♪ Hey, by and by ♪
♪ When the morning ♪
♪ And all the saints ♪
♪ Of God ♪
♪ We will ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell how high ♪
♪ And we'll under-- ♪
Can I say it one more time?
♪ Hey, by and by ♪
♪ When the morning ♪
♪ And all the saints of--
saints of God ♪
Chorus: ♪ Of God
are gathered home ♪
Brown: ♪ We will ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell how high,
whoo! ♪
Chorus: ♪ And we'll
understand it better ♪
All: ♪ By and by ♪
Brown: ♪ Yeah, whoo! ♪
♪ Yeah, hee hoo ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, whoo! ♪
Whoo!
Cora: Hallelujah.
- My, my.
-You sang that great.
Brown: ♪ Whoo hoo ♪
- What y'all doing, baby?
- We singing church.
Madea: Oh, I heard it.
I heard y'all out there.
- I got a church song.
- Yes!
Madea: ♪ I
Bam: Huh!
Madea: ♪ I need a drink ♪
♪ I need a smoke ♪
Ha ha ha!
Bam: Madea.
Madea: ♪ I need some strong weed
to make me joke ♪
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
Brown: Mabel that's just
ignorance standing there
looking like a big sake of trash
stuffed in a Spanx.
Madea: And you standing there
looking like a bag of Skittles
just vomited
all over that damn suit.
Get the hell up out
of my face, Brown, with that.
- Hey, Grandma, come here.
- Hey, Grandma.
Madea: No. No. Back the hell up.
Got that Corolla virus
going around.
Y'all back the hell up.
Get off me with that.
Cora: Oh, Madea.
- Hey, Madea.
- Omar, is that you?
- Yes, ma'am.
- You still a doctor?
- That I am.
- Ooh!
- You OK, Madea?
- My hip just went out.
Madea: Can you write me
a weed prescription
so I can smoke a little
to get my hip out--
Cora: He is not writing you
no weed prescription.
- Cora...
- Huh?
- how much weight you lost?
- 50 pounds, Madea.
- 50 pounds, girl?
- Yes. Yes. Thank you, Lord.
Madea: Well,
you looking good, baby.
- You looking good.
- I'm looking good?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Mabel...
- Hmm?
Bam: let me tell you something.
Madea: No. Don't say
nothing to me, Bam.
I told you to wait for me,
and you go jump
in one of them Ubber
lubbedder-dubbedder things,
whatever they call this.
Ain't even no real Uber,
just people just trying
to make some money.
Bam: Mabel, I called you
yesterday,
told you I wasn't gonna
ride with you, baby.
You remember the last time
we made that stop.
We almost got killed.
Madea: That's because
I told you to duck.
Who the hell
don't know how to duck?
If somebody said, "Hey, duck,"
you do this, right?
- Yes. You do.
- You get down right there,
Madea: but watch this.
Concentrate.
- Bam...
- What?
- duck.
- Nngh!
- What the hell is that?
- It's a duck.
- That's it?
- That's it.
Brown: What kind of stop
y'all make
where you almost got killed?
Madea: I had to drop something
off at one of my clients'.
Cora: So what are you
doing now, Madea?
- Oh, I'm selling weed again.
- What?
Madea: Yeah. Now that it's legal
in a lot of places,
baby, I'm selling it.
I'm getting
my reciprocicussion.
I mean, I went to jail
for about 3 months
back in the Eighties
for selling weed.
Now that it's legal, baby,
I'm getting--
Weed is a wonderful thing,
honey.
God did that for people.
Yes, he did.
Brown: Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
You're not about to put "God"
and "weed" in the same sentence.
Madea: Brown, I'm gonna tell
you, that weed is a miracle.
They pulling stuff called CBD
out of it,
and you make creams
and ointment.
You got some swelling and stuff,
you put it on your ankle thing,
your joints,
everything is wonderful.
You know I had all them injuries
from when I was
at the Field, you know.
Omar: Oh, yeah, like me, Madea.
I was an athlete.
- Really?
- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- What did you play?
- Linebacker.
Brown: She was a big-backed
linebacker like a bear.
Madea: I'm about to play
stab a black bastard
for all the slights.
- Say one more thing to me.
- Ha ha ha!
Madea: No, baby.
I wasn't on the field.
I worked at a place
called the Field.
I was a stripper.
They called me Bodacious.
I dropped that shoulder
like that,
and all them quarters
came rolling up next to me.
- It was wonderful, baby.
- Oh, wait. Wait.
Madea: Bodacious.
TiTi: Madea, did you just say
that you used to be a stripper?
Madea: Yes, and I didn't
make it rain,
but I sure knew
how to make it drizzle.
Speaking of that, Cora,
Lord, Dr. Phil said,
if you are a bad mother,
you need to apologize
to your child, so, baby,
I was watching this show,
so I'm just gonna go
and apologize to you.
I'm gonna apologize to you
right now.
I wasn't the best mother to you.
I didn't even know
I was pregnant.
I was sitting at the bar
drinking and went into labor.
- What?
- Baby, I was getting totaled.
Madea: I went to the doctor.
I said, "Something wrong
with my stomach."
He said, "Ma'am,
you've been drinking?
I said, "Yeah."
"Well, you're in labor."
- I said, "Oh, hell."
- What?
Madea: I looked down
at my belly.
I said, "Listen, kid.
Life is tough.
"If you want to come
out of there,
"you'll have to come on
on your own.
I'm hot helping you at all.
I'm not pushing for you."
I was getting you ready
for the world, baby...
- Oh.
- so I went on back to work.
Madea: He said, "Ma'am,
you gonna leave the hospital?"
I said, "Yes.
I'm not helping this child."
I went on.
I put on this--
I went on back to work,
and they called me up.
They said,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bodacious
to the stage."
I went up there.
I grabbed that pole,
spin around,
and there you were on the floor.
- On the stage?
- It was so beautiful.
- It was beautiful?
- Yes.
Madea: You was just
covered in glitter and money.
It was just beautiful,
dollar bills,
all dollar dollar bills,
y'all, all over you.
- Glitter and money?
- Yes. It was wonderful.
- That's terrible.
- That was good?
Perry: Yes.
Brown: The baby stripper.
Perry: Wait a minute.
I'm sorry. Ha ha ha!
- Baby stripper.
- Ha ha ha!
Perry: Just glitter.
That's so stupid.
- Do you need a drink?
- That is so stupid.
Just glitter.
Madea: Baby got glitter.
Ooh, my hormone dropping low.
I got to figure out
what's going on with it.
♪ Mi mi mi ♪
Brown: Maybe you need to get
your prostate checked.
Madea: I will as soon as you
get your uterus scraped.
Cora: Oh! Ha ha ha!
Sylvia: Ooh, Madea, you--
you have not changed a bit.
Madea: That ain't Sylvia
sitting over there, baby.
- Yes, it is.
- Lord, have mercy.
- How you doing, baby?
- I'm good, Madea.
Madea: It's so good to see you.
Yes, indeed.
You're sitting there smiling,
and they tell me
your mama's in the hospital
on life support.
Baby, let me tell you something.
That is just so wrong.
People have started a pool
on the date and a time
- your mama's gonna die.
- What?
Madea: You can win $400 if you
guess the right date and time.
- Who would do that?
- I mean, people are low down,
baby, but--listen--your mama
was a strong woman.
She wouldn't want to be
landing like that
with people taking care of her,
so y'all go up in there
on Tuesday morning
at 8:11 in the morning...
Bam: Hee!
Madea: and y'all unplug her.
- Madea--
- Don't let it get to 8:12.
Madea: Grab that hose and cut
it off real quick and choke--
- Madea!
- Choke her out. Choke her out.
Sylvia: Madea, that is terrible.
I've been trying to tell you,
she better now.
- Thank the Lord.
- What you mean, she's better?
- She on life support?
- No.
Sylvia: She's not
on life support anymore.
- She still in the hospital?
- No. She's at home.
- You should come visit her.
- Lost my damn money.
Bam: Mabel--hee!--you started
that pool, didn't you?
Madea: Yeah.
Didn't like her mama.
I didn't like her mama, didn't
like her grandmother, either.
- Why?
- Why?
Madea: Oh, her grandmother
stole my man.
I'll never forget it.
It was Montgomery, 1954,
December 1.
- Oh.
- It was a cold day...
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Madea: and I was messing around
with this white man,
- Cora's daddy...
- Cora...
Bam: I though
you was the da--
Madea: and he left me,
him and Rose.
He was definitely messing around
with this woman named Rose.
She was my roommate.
Then she just moved out, left me
there in the house by myself.
- Really?
- Oh.
Madea: Yeah, and I was so mad, I
was going to work crying one day
singing Negro spirituals,
and I looked over up on the bus,
and there she was.
- Uh-uh.
- Really?
Madea: Yeah. There she was.
I saw her on the bus.
She was sitting there like that,
and he over there
sitting