Madame (2017) - full transcript

Dr. Schwiman was so right.
Isn't this romantic?

This bike weighs as
much as a dead cow.

Who designed these
bikes, Hitler?

My God. They use these
in the Tour de France?

Well, everything is old here.
It's part of the charm.

Mine's broken, I think.

And I think it's going to rain.

Why do you have to
be so pessimistic?

I'm not pessimistique.

I'm realistique.

Exact same thing for you.



Where are we? What
arrondissement is this?

Why don't you ride next
to me instead of behind me

because I may as
well be riding alone.

Well, suit yourself.

I'm tired anyway.

Suit yourself.

Huh?

Okay?

Olè!

Is my husband here?

No, Madame. We were
worrying about you.

No, no harm done.
What about Jacques?

Ready and waiting!

Brace yourself, pal.



Look at that. Madame,
I'm doubling my fee.

Security man out there
didn't let me in.

Of course not. We have the
Lord Mayor of London coming.

Really? Sexy!

Can I say hello?

Well, he's coming
with his husband.

Too bad.

Today's mail, Madame.

And this came by messenger.

I want some chocolate milk.

And I'll have a double
vodka on the rocks.

Steven!

How are you, silly monkeys?

Sean.

How are you, Maria?

Oh, Mr. Stevens, when
did you get here?

Just this afternoon.

What's happening here? Is it
someone's birthday or something?

Nothing like that. Just a
small dinner for twelve.

Ohh.

Thank you.

Come on, Rose, you
need to eat something.

No.

Please, Mr. Steven, tell her.

What are you doing, Rose,
starving yourself like Mommy?

Skinny Mommy, yes!

Well, don't.

Nobody likes a human toothpick.

Going to find my dad.

Listen to your big brother and
finish those potatoes, please.

Okay, try that.

Aren't you gonna miss it?

Of course I'm gonna miss it.

This was your grandfather's
greatest acquisition.

He'd cut my balls off.

Why don't you sell
something else?

You still don't get. I'm
hanging by my fingernails here.

I need the money.

Anne's costing you that much?

Sell her jewels.

You're not funny.

Do you want me to
lend you something?

Could you? 50,000.

Just for a few days, until
the sale goes through?

- I'll call Mom.
- Don't do that.

Don't give her the satisfaction.
How is she anyway?

Getting older and
heavier by the day.

Richer too.

Never leaves foggy London.

She voted Brexit.

Makes sense.

When you were born, she was
nuts about Margaret Thatcher.

She said I had to
vote for Reagan.

- Did you?
- No.

We were in Athens.

Our last horrible year.

How's the writing going?

Yeah, my publisher's
coming to Paris.

I've got nothing to show him.

He knows it.

So why is he coming?

When he writes off
the Eurostar trip,

I'm one of his best assets.

C'est I'heure.

Go on, sir. Take one.

In my country, we call
it mektoub: your future.

"Tonight you will
meet someone special."

That's not very original.

No? And what if
that someone special

is a mysterious, beautiful lady?

Zip me up.

I'd rather undress you.

Well, you had your chance.

Ten, eleven, twelve...

thirteen?

- Madre de Dios.
- Exactly.

- Who did this?
- I did.

Hello, Anne.

And welcome to Paris, Steven.
Please make yourself at home.

Yes, and invite
yourself to dinner.

No, no, Bob invited me.

He didn't say a word. Typical.

Well, I am not having thirteen at my table.
It is bad luck.

And what's worse, it's me.
Sorry about that, Anne,

but my father's really
excited to see me.

Especially now, as it happens.

Oh, my God.

Get rid of those.

Anne, be proud of me!

How about I kill you?

Head down. Rotate
for a single axis.

See, I remember every word.

Admit it. I'm a fast learner.

So is my father.

Add another place setting.

There's one more chair in the corner.
And hurry.

You look beautiful, Anne!

This one is fine.

Hey, stop, all of you. Turn around.
Look at me.

Oh, I need another woman.

Madame? No.

There's no other solution.

Madame, I am the maid.

Maids don't have
dinner with the bosses.

Oh, nonsense. You're
part of this family.

- I have terrible accent.
- Your accent is charming.

But what will I say?

Well, it's not about talking.
It's about sitting.

You know how to sit, don't you?

Now come. We have
no time to argue.

Okay.

Okay, come on. Which?
No, no, no.

Here. See if this one fits.

We are not the
same size, Madame.

What about Mandy?
Mandy can do this.

Maria, be serious.
Mandy is a Filipino.

Nobody invites Filipinos
to a dinner party.

Maybe Aung San Suu Kyi because
she won a Nobel Peace Prize.

And she's from Burma.
That's different.

Mandy speaks terrible
English and terrible French.

I'm not even sure she knows
how to speak Filipino.

No, no. We'd be found
out in a second.

Found out?

Yes, we're not gonna tell
them you're the maid.

So what are we going
to say, Madame?

Nothing! Just act like a friend.

I think I'm going to faint, Madame.
I'm unable to lie.

No, it's okay.
All women can lie.

It's all about smiling.

Like this?

And Josiane? What about Josiane?

She just started here.
I don't know her.

Josiane is very funny, Madame.

She know how to make jokes.
She even imitates Sarkozy.

She could be the perfect guest.

Josiane is at least a 12.

You're pear-shaped,
but you're not fat.

Okay, so we'll go with
the pants you have on.

It's not a good idea, Madame.

Yes, it is a good idea. Come on, Maria.
Come on!

We'll look back on
this and laugh one day.

It's gonna be like
that time at the chalet

when Rose was two, and
you dressed up like Santa.

Remember that? With the beard?
Jacques!

Okay, now listen, make it not
too big and not too showy.

Just make it quick.

What about her shoes?

What size are you?

I'm an eight, Madame.

Oh, my God! Just... hide them.

No rich woman wears an eight.

Louboutin doesn't
even make an eight.

Stay.

Toby! Welcome to Paris.

Glad they didn't stop
you at the border.

Well, as Lord Mayor, I'm
issuing visas for London.

You say the word, Bob,
I'll give you one.

London? Where is that anyhow?

Little England. Former empire.

I remember now!

- Rule, Britannia!
- That's the one.

You must be Michael.
Bob Fredericks.

Pleased to meet you.

Nice little place you have here.

Family pied-à-terre.

Small but cozy.

Hi, Toby.

Fabulous.

Hello, Michael.

My dears!

I'm sorry about the
security detail.

It's Toby's favorite
style statement.

Did you bring your food taster?

What if we're serving
poison tonight?

No news, Bob, but calm down.

It's okay, it's okay.

Just give them another week.
It'll be fine.

Antoine! Hélène!

Bonsoir.

So nice to see you again.

This place is so amazing.

Ah, Steven! I read your book.

- Really?
- It's so very funny.

Your father's naked hole-in-one,
Anne taking all the credit,

firing all the
sexy girl caddies.

Nothing's changed. They're
still Punch and Judy.

Congratulations on the
reelection, by the way.

Keep going, and you'll be
England's first family.

Well, don't you write about us.

Don't want the entire world
knowing our every little secret.

Don't worry. I couldn't
be more blocked

if I'd eaten a pound of cement.

- Put me somewhere nice.
- I have. In the corner.

Look at that. Homemade.

Lovely.

The trick is to
pretend you're carrying

a Chinese vase on your head.

- You walk tall and slow.
- Steven!

And you shine, Maria.

You shine.

- This is not going to work.
- Mais sìr.

You know, baby,
it's cold outside,

so I think you're gonna
need an extra layer.

Mr. Steven, it's summertime.

Exactly. It's party time.

Antoine, you still haven't told
me how to deal with the press.

It's not every day a
Caravaggio changes hands.

There's no rush, is there?

Of course not.

We both have to be
satisfied with the results.

The X-ray team are asking
for another 10,000 euros.

They're sending their best
people over from New York.

Bob, let me split
the fee with you.

Absolutely not.
I wouldn't hear of it.

Just give me an invitation
once it's on your wall.

I won't keep it at home.

It will have a pride
of place at my museum.

Once we know it's real.

Maria?

What is this nonsense?

It's not going to work, Madame.

Your friends, the Bernards,
they have been here before.

- They would have seen her.
- They haven't seen her.

Nobody looks at a maid.

Now come on out here,
Maria, right this minute.

They will recognize me, Madame.

Well, if they find
your face familiar,

they'll just think they
saw you at a fashion show.

Madame, you know
it's a sin to lie.

You're not lying. You're
not hurting anybody.

It's like a part in our own little play.
It's fun.

It's like being in a movie,
except you're changing your life

from ABC to HBO, you get it?

Not really.

I'll make it simple: avoid them.

You're at the far end
of the table anyway.

What about Jacques?

He could make a
perfect guest, Madame.

Yes! Steven, you have
a dress I can wear?

No. Forget it, okay?

This is Bob's fault, and
I want him to suffer.

Now, Maria, let me look at you.

Oh, my God. She's
not even dressed.

Will you get her pulled
together, please?

And listen to me.

Don't speak too much,

don't smile too much
and don't eat too much.

Yes, Madame.

Don't drink too much either.
Nobody likes that.

Trust me.

How do I rate amongst
your students?

You're definitely not
the most disciplined one.

You're the most studious.
You're the most studious one.

- The most studious one.
- Yes.

I wish I could think of
something to say now in French,

but I'm baffled.

You're always baffled.

Anne! Not always.

You remember my French teacher.

Ah, yes, Melanie.

Fanny. I'm Fanny.

Oh, of course. How silly of me.

Don't worry about it. I'll
answer to almost anything.

Don't speak too much.

Don't eat too much.

Don't smile too much.

Yes?

Are you out of your mind?

Who is that?

What's her name or
who is she really?

What are you talking about?

She'll claim she's
Maria Escalante,

but the truth is
she's Maria Immaculata

of the Two Sicilies.

- You're not serious.
- Countess of Asturias.

The House of Bourbon, second
cousin of Juan Carlos.

She'll deny it.

And I never told you.

Are you a fan of Caravaggio?

I-I love the holy family.

Oh. Good for you.

I keep a portrait of the
Baby Jesus by my bed.

Oh, by whom? I'm a big
fan of the masters.

Let me guess.

- El Greco?
- No.

- Goya.
- No.

No, I've got it.

Dalì. I'm right, yes?

The artist doesn't
matter so much.

It's the expression
on the baby's face.

Yes. We mustn't take
that for granted.

And the holy mother?
How she loves him.

Madame, le diner est servi.
The dinner is served.

So tonight's a...

a sort of a last
supper, in a way.

This maybe the last time
you see this painting.

I'm brokering its sale
to Antoine Bernard.

Oh, monsieur Antoine.

He's a friend of the family.

Excellent.

Let me introduce myself.

I am David Morgan.
I live in London.

I am Maria.

No second name?

No, not tonight. I'm
a friend of Madame.

A friend of a friend.

HBO, not ABC.

Ah.

Oh, thank you.

Bon appétit.

Bon appétit, darling.

So being married to the mayor
of London makes you what?

Everybody's asking.

Just another queen, I guess.

Wow. That's great. You
should carry a purse.

And what do you do for a living?

- I'm a hairdresser.
- Oh, great.

No, I'm joking. I used to be.

Then I thought I can't
be gay and a hairdresser.

Too much of a cliché,
so I changed everything.

Oh, and you became?

- A butcher.
- Oh!

I'm joking.

He's a shrink.

He let you run for office?

I know. Malpractice.

I'll say.

So, France, Paris,
why did you come here?

This house for one thing.

- And my grandfather was French.
- Oh.

And to keep a woman,

at some point, you have
to satisfy their neuroses.

Or satisfy her
analyst in New York.

- She talks about him?
- Well, not to everyone.

I think the good doctor Schwiman

could teach Michael
a thing or two.

About billing, no question.

Did you rehearse?

Or do you always
speak this fast?

Yes, and in such a
brilliant and sarcastic way.

Years of training, my dear.

It's harder to lie
when you speak fast.

I guess that's way my
husband speaks so slowly.

Is the Eiffel Tower
as a sexual symbol

supposed to save your marriage?

I will ask him.

Do you really think
love can last?

I mean, you're so smart. Could
you still be one of those?

You have to let go.

Well, flowers freeze
and blossom again.

Don't be so cynical.

Oh, and what do you suggest?

Adultery, darling.

You're just taking the problem
with you wherever you go.

Make a best friend
of your husband

and have lunch with me tomorrow.

Oh, you're evil.

No, I'm French.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh!

Go, go. Let me help.

It's only water.

I like to pour water on myself

so women come and help me.

- Looks like fun.
- It's genetic.

When a woman sees a stain,
she must come and rub.

You're funny. I mean, for
an American, obviously.

Wow. Every guy from Cambridge
knows how to judge funny.

All the Englishmen I
know think they're funny,

but they never laugh.

- Grrr! I hate 'em.
- Yes, so do I.

What do you think, Maria?

I don't like English people.

But I do like Hugh Grant.
You know Hugh Grant?

In Bridget Jones.

He's also the one dancing
in Love, Actually.

Like this.

♪ I take you down
I take you down ♪

♪ You're more, more, more ♪

♪ Jump ♪

♪ Jump in ♪

You know Hugh Grant?

The beautiful one.

He has also an affair with...

The prostitute!

Of course we all know
who Hugh Grant is.

You look like him,
like Hugh Grant.

We all look the same from
the same part of the world.

Same face,

same blue eyes,
same funny teeth.

That's beautiful.
Very beautiful.

But I don't like the stupid
films he's in though.

Always happy endings
and kisses in the rain.

You should not despise people.

People love happy
endings, you know?

They can't fight it.

The hero runs.

He kisses her in the rain.

People love that.

Well...

Would you ever consider
running for Prime Minister?

I thought Supreme Leader. Would
you ever run for president?

If you were my First Lady.

Are you in politics?

No. I'm a musician.

A classical pianist,
to be precise.

Oh, great. How old are you?

Nine and a half.

- And you?
- Thirty-two and a half.

Is that your father
sitting next to you?

Oh, no. That's
Fedor, the master.

Oh.

I hope you enjoy dinner.

I'm so glad you could come.

Does he speak English?

Oh, no. He never speaks.

Our kids, Frank and Robin.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Just like their mother.

Thank you.

You know, it is so
hard to keep being sexy

when you're a single mom.

It's a constant battle.

I went to this great seminar

about fighting for
yourself last month.

Justin Tender. Do you know him?
It was in London.

Oh, my God. He is so spiritual.
Amazing.

Anyway, he says that it
all starts with food.

He also recommends
that you drink less.

What, water?

Anne told me you were funny.

You know, she's been wanting
us to meet for a long time.

Yes, she's a force
of nature is Anne.

Talk to me. This
woman's a nightmare.

How do you know
she's not my friend?

Well, if that's the truth,
I'm gonna fake a heart attack

and get dragged out
of here by my ankles.

Say something to me. Talk to me.
Tell me a joke or something.

She's all over me
like a bad suit.

I don't know any joke.

Make something up.

You're putting a lot
of pressure on me.

Where's that
charming accent from?

I-I'm Spanish. I
was born in Majorca.

Not Asturias?

I would have thought
it was Asturias.

My ancestors were from Asturias.

See, I'm Celtic like you.

Where is your family from?

Well, my family is from a very
lovely county called Downe.

My father owns most
of it, you know.

He always wants me to get my
art hobby out of my system

and come back and run
the family estate.

You came here to
escape your father.

Well, I came to London
to be an artist,

but I would up
being a consultant,

so I spend my life now
flitting between hotels

in New York and
Paris and London.

To be fair, I don't know
where my real home is.

Probably because
it's still in Din.

Din?

- Downe, Downe.
- Dan.

- Din, Downe.
- Din, Downe.

Maria? Sorry, David.

I'm stealing her for a minute.

Don't drink too much.

No, sir.

Madame told me what to do

and what not to do.

What's with this silly idea?

You must be dying here.

It's like me sitting in
on a plumber's meeting.

I was supposed to
sit close to Madame,

but I think somebody
mixed up the place cards.

The scary fashion
lady should be here.

Don't talk like a maid.

Just yes or no, entiendo?

Be... really...

impossible.

Unpleasant.

- Yes, sir.
- Hey, Bob.

Maria's got some great jokes.
I bet you didn't know that.

No, I didn't.

Yeah. She was just
about to tell me one.

Madame Bernard, would you like
to hear one of Maria's jokes?

Yes, of course.

Don't force her.
She's embarrassed.

And very shy.

- I'm very unpleasant.
- Oh, come on.

You're very funny.
We're all friends here.

Who'd like to hear a joke?
Come on, love.

Everyone's funny with
a Spanish accent.

The only joke I
know is very vulgar.

My Uncle Pedro used to
tell it when he was drunk.

I don't think it's appropriate.

- Oh, no. Don't bother.
- Don't force yourself.

Come on, live a little.
Tell us a joke.

Okay. You want it, you have it.

A family's at the dinner table.

The son asks the father,

"Dad, how many kinds
of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised,
answers, "Well, my son,"

a woman goes through
three phases.

In her twenties,

a woman's breasts
are like melons,

round and firm.

In her thirties and forties,
they are like pears,

still nice, but hanging a bit.

"In her fifties, they
are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yes, you see them,

and they make you cry."

Hilarious!

Wait, wait, I didn't finish yet

because I'm translating straight
from Spanish in my head.

This woman's amazing. She's
like Google Translator.

The daughter asks the mother,

"Mom, how many kinds
of willies are there?"

The mother answers,
"Well, my dear,

a man goes through
three phases too."

Love the voice of the wife.
Keep going.

"In his twenties,"

his willy is like an oak tree,

mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties,

it's like a birch tree,

"flexible, but reliable."

- Maybe not.
- "After 50..."

it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree, Mommy?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up,

and the balls are
just for decoration."

- Fantastic.
- Sure is.

That's a rude joke.
It's not even funny.

I have one about chorizo.
Do you want to hear it?

No, that will be fine.
Thank you!

I think that's plenty.

Thank you, you're so...

She's so funny!

I can understand now why my dad
is making progress in French.

I bet he took one look at you,

he said, "I want to learn
French immediately."

No.

His wife forced him to
learn la langue de Molière.

Thank you for this. It's
become my instant favorite.

Oh, so you're the revenge.

I don't get it.

She used to be his golf teacher.

So what do I need to wear
to look more Parisian?

Women are always asking me that.

Le chic Franáais,
no one can buy that.

That's why I'm asking
for your advice.

Oh, I love what you did with
the new issue, by the way.

As my grandmother always said,

"Tell the truth. It's
easier to remember."

You know, in therapy,
I hear so many...

lies, contradictions.

But even your lies say
something about you.

Yeah, I'm gonna marry you.

And what makes you
think I would say yes?

Are all women mad about you?

The night is young.

Listen, sorry for
ignoring you, buddy,

but this girl next
to me is really sexy.

It's okay. I'm used
to not talking.

You know, with Fedor.

Go and get her.

Cheers, buddy. High five.

I'm not insured for high fives.

Oh?

Are you allowed to touch boobs?

I guess so, but I've
never had the opportunity.

I hope I'm not
being too forward,

but I'd just like to say...

you look absolutely
beautiful tonight.

Thank you.

How long have you been in Paris?

How long have you been
sleeping with my dad?

Are you crazy?

I'm just his teacher.

Look at you. Your dad.

Makes you sound so childish.

You look like a child.

I'd really like to spank you.

Well, your dad warned
me that you were rude,

alcoholic, and unemployed.

Yeah, but I also have
some really bad points.

Did he tell you what those were?

You look very elegant too.

Well, I'm the best
in my price range.

Fanny, you're going to
be my new mother-in-law.

It's like you and your dad are
the only two men on the planet.

Ah, I see.

Why would you want the egg when
you've already got the goose?

I don't want the goose,

and I don't like the
rotten egg, actually.

Um...

Dearest darling Daddy

and his...

ageless, gorgeous concubine...

Steven...

Sorry, sorry.

Stepmom Anne.

Thank you so much for
inviting me tonight to this...

amazing place,

where generosity
holds no bounds.

Actually, Dad, who's
getting the tab?

Anyway, not important.

I digress.

I'd just like to
make an announcement.

My engagement to this amazing,

beautiful, talented creature.

- What's your name again?
- Fuck you.

Fuck you. That's
an unusual name.

Don't be shy, honey.

Dona Maria! Your Highness,
I would like your blessing.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Well, dear guests,

we have the great honor of
sharing the table tonight

with a very young,
talented prodigy,

Gilles Durand,

and his master Fedor Krachinsky.

Gilles is only nine years old
and needs to get some sleep

because he's playing
a very special concert

in Vienna tomorrow night.

So we will have dessert
in the music room

after we hear some...

"Songs My Mother Taught Me."

Arranged by the master.

Well, there you have it.

Please.

- Clean this!
- And she rub, rub, rub.

Did it for a long time!

Not true, Mandy!

We said hardly speak.

I made them laugh, Madame.

Yeah, even the
scary fashion woman.

Madame, you heard that from
the other side of the table?

Dinners are my job.

I can follow five
conversations at the same time.

And do you know what
your job is, Maria?

You don't even know how
to recognize laughter.

You don't know if you're
making people laugh

or if they're laughing at you.

I mean, can you tell
the difference between

ha ha ha ha ha...

and ho ho ho ho ho?

So actually, you
never really laugh.

You were supposed to play the
part of the missing guest.

Silent. Forgettable.

If someone finds out about
this, I will be embarrassed.

And so will they.

That they laughed
at the maid's joke?

Don't you play the victim.

You know I'm a
lifelong democrat.

It's about their
mindset, not mine.

I'm so sorry, Madame.

I had too much to drink.

Wine is so delicious.

I've been drinking
it like juice.

No. Haut-Brion '82 is an
incredibly expensive juice.

We should go back
before the music ends,

don't you think, Madame?

No, no, I think that's
enough for tonight.

You just go to bed.

Won't they wonder
what happened to me?

Let me take care of that.
We'll see you tomorrow.

Thank you for everything, Maria.

You don't want me to
help the others clean up?

Not tonight.

See you tomorrow, Madame.

Maria.

Yes, Madame?

You look beautiful
with lipstick on.

Thank you, Madame.

Come on, come on.

A bit harder.

Come on, upsy-daisy.

- I'm coming.
- Upsy-daisy.

God, you stink!

This is outrageous behavior.

- Okay, okay.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, look, look, hey.

- Thirteen at the table as...
- Yes.

Because of Judas. Thirteen.
That's...

That's why it's bad luck.

Where's Maria?

Gone to bed.

She was the belle of the ball.

I want him out of here.

He almost ruined
the whole evening.

- But he didn't!
- And Maria.

God, I was a nervous wreck.
Did you see those shoes?

You know what?

Everyone loved her.

Don't ever do that
to me again, okay?

You put me in a
horrible position.

Hey! You improvised.

You pulled it off.
Congratulations.

David Morgan was flat
out flirting with her.

What's up with that?

Chill. Congratulations, I said.

Hey!

- Hello?
- Hi, Steven.

- It's David Morgan.
- Sorry. Bonjour.

Do you remember the
beautiful lady named Maria?

I think.

You couldn't give me Maria's
phone number, could you?

- Uh-huh.
- I'm trying to chat with her.

Um...

If she's available for
a bit of fun sometime.

Yeah, sure.

- Stay on the phone.
- Okay.

I'll just get her
number for you now.

Okay, hold on. Hang on.

Maria, jot down your
phone number for me.

Jot it down quick.

I'll explain later.

Thank you.

Hello? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I have it here, yeah.

06, 89...

13, 91, 34.

Yeah.

Yeah, I will. I'll tell
him you said thank you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hey, Dad, guess what?

What?

Uh, uh, nothing.

I just had a bad
dream, that's all.

What about your French lesson?

Tard aujourd'hui.

Voulez-vous coucher
avec moi ce soir?

Ooh, oui, volontiers.

Stop it, okay?

I'm doing this
for you, remember?

Oh, you're not learning
French for me anymore.

That's plain enough.

Sean, give Maria back her phone.

"Let me be direct."

You are amazing.

Very cool, but red hot too.

May I see you again?
Text yes or yes.

"David M."

What?

It's a wrong number, Madame.
No one ever texts me.

It's David Morgan.

You're kidding. He's kidding.

"Excellent. I felt something
the moment we met."

My God!

I knew it. This
is because of you.

- And you!
- The Oscar goes to Maria.

Here, somebody take this.
I think I'm gonna throw up.

Good luck, Maria.

Maria.

This is not funny, Bob. Shut up.

Did something happen at the dinner?
Something specific?

No, Madame. Nothing specific.

He didn't play footsie with you?

Footsie? What is that?

What? You know, like...

Oh, no, Madame.

Madre de Dios.

He didn't touch you somewhere
or make you touch him?

- No, Madame.
- Well, what is this all about?

What? It was
something, I must say.

What thing?

I don't know. I felt something
when he looked at me.

Yes, the Haut-Brion.

The thing you felt
inside was drunk, Maria.

Nothing else.

Here, I'm gonna help
you get rid of him.

What is this cell? Nokia?

You keep it for
sentimental reasons?

I'm gonna get you a new iPhone

for putting up with
David's insanity.

Yes, Madame.

"Be kind. Please do
not insist." There.

I beat Rose.

Yeah, barely. I got an eight.

How great you are,
my little stars.

You weren't even watching me.
You were talking to Maria.

Look, I tagged you
all over my Instagram.

How many likes did I get?

Go collect your clubs.
Go on, now.

Oh!

"Meet me at the
George V at nine."

Oh, my God, I am an idiot.

He's excited by your resistance.

He wants you in his bed.

But I thought the George
V was a movie theater

on the Champs Élysées, Madame.

No, not in this context.
It's a hotel.

The George V Hotel.

A hotel?

Steven, Steven! Stop
fucking around, Steven!

- I'll turn you into a frog!
- Oh, no!

Okay, I'll turn you
into a princess,

but only until midnight.

Then poof!

Abracadabra!

I don't trust her.

I think we should
tell David the truth.

Don't. Not yet anyway.

What do you mean, not yet?

Wait till he's
verified the painting.

I don't want him thinking
we're a household of liars.

God forbid.

It's a real Caravaggio, Anne.

Don't muddy the waters.

What are we going to see?

A horror movie, of course.

So you jump into my arms.

Madame... Anne, our friend,

thought it was the
George V Hotel.

Anne does not know the
first thing about romance.

Listen, Maria,

there's something I must tell
you straight off the bat.

I know who you are.

What I mean is...

I know who you really are.

Somebody told me at the party.
I promised I wouldn't say who.

Oh, my God. It was Steven.
He wasn't supposed to...

Listen, it's all right.

I don't care.

It makes no difference to me.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you honestly feel that way?

And I have a daughter.
Did he tell you that?

A princess, I'm sure.

The topic, mi amor,

is closed.

You know they were
supposed to destroy them?

It was a big
scandal at the time.

Like everything new.

People are afraid when
they can't link a feeling

with another one.

And how do you feel right now?

Empty.

Let's make a wish.

Are you okay? You look sad.

Your mother never been
so happy in all her life.

Now I will pop this in FedEx,

and you will have
it by Saturday.

I wish you could
come and see me.

- Look.
- A ver.

Ah!

- Where were you?
- Oh, you know.

Doing a little shopping
at the Galeries Lafayette.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Just starving, that's all.

Maria just asked
me if she could go.

She just left.

Mandy is with the kids.

Did she have makeup on?

- Lipstick? A skirt?
- Excuse me?

There is something very strange
going on with Maria, trust me.

Okay, can you tell me
about it over steak?

There's this nice
bistro on the corner.

She is seeing him, Bob.
This morning she came late,

and she looked like
she'd been fucking.

Oh, my God!

- Coming!
- Come on, Bob!

My God, I'd hate to see
it if there was a fire!

You move like a tortoise.
Oh, my God.

Okay, let's follow her.

Come on, turn it on!

Let's go. Now, drive fast.
Be like the French.

Go, go, go! Oh, my God!

Shut up.

Do not talk to me that way!

They're parking. Go
around the block. Fast.

Go!

It's nice, no?

Oh, please! He can't be serious!

Look, Bob, he's taken her
Le Petit Bistrot d'Auteuil.

Obviously. I'm not blind.

That's one of my favorite restaurants!
I mean...

At least it's food.

Can we go back home now?
You can fire her tomorrow.

I can't fire her.

She runs the house
like clockwork.

Well, you trained her.

She's not a biochemist.

She's just a housemaid.

You don't get it. It
takes at least half a day

to learn how to fold my
skirts alone, you know?

I mean, it's a mess. It's
a total fucking mess!

I think you're overreacting,
but I'll talk to her.

Could he be in love with her?
Is that possible?

Well, admit it. She's
got a great ass.

Maybe vacuum cleaning's
the new Pilates.

She's terribly ugly, right?

I don't know.

She's got a kind of charm.

Oh, my God. Now you too.

How about we both go in
there and have our dinner?

Because they would see us.

- She's the guilty one, not us.
- Oh, Bob.

It's good.

You see?

Everything's new to you.

You're like a kid, Maria.

And you have a play
date after dinner.

You realize I'm a
fervent believer, David.

Oh, I know.

I hear you calling for God
when you're in bed with me.

Maybe I am a kid, but you?

You're a teenager.

Oversexed.

In the worst way.

I'll have you know
when I was a teenager,

I was going to be a priest.

Oh, my God!

You see? You're doing it again.

Calling his name.

I'm starting to
get jealous, Maria.

It's like a
slow-motion car crash.

I've never seen you this way.

Well, it's like my own
little catastrophe.

She knows the color
of our underwear.

She cleans our sheets.

She knows when we have sex.

She knows when I throw up.

You're still throwing up?

Well, not in a major way.

I just want to stay, you know...

sexy.

Hang on.

What are you doing?

Hunting.

Hunting for what?

God, it's not 1878.

I wanted to send you flowers.

What kind of flowers?

Well, give me an address.
You'll find out.

Don't be afraid of me, Maria.

You and your family,
I give you my word.

Complete and utter discretion.

Meanwhile,

a gift...

for you.

Oh, my God.

I can't accept. They're...

Perfect.

For your hair.

For your eyes.

For your tattoo,
my white princess.

That's it.

I'm gonna have to
tell him the truth.

Don't. He'll think we
were making fun of him.

I cannot afford that.

Come on, are we having
any money problems?

Absolutely not.

But Monsieur Antoine
Bernard and his museum

must have a Caravaggio.

I'm only too happy to oblige.

That is if it's the real thing.

I'd pocket a king's ransom.

So keep your mouth shut.

Finally! Dr. Schwiman.

Are you all right?

I saw your text
about an emergency.

No, I'm not all right! I'm
about to kill that woman.

What's happening?
Are you in bed?

Yes, I am.

It's the middle of
the night for you.

Are you gonna listen or
just make stupid remarks?

It's the middle of the night.

- See?
- If you'd called back sooner...

Hello, Doctor.

Hello, Bob.

Bob, this is a
private consultation.

Please.

Okay. I just...

I mean, you know, I've had
to fight my whole entire life

for everything, even men.

How can this woman, this...
this maid,

inspire such feelings?

Go on.

I feel so alone.

You know, even in
a crowded room,

I feel lonely, Doctor.

Are you serious?

Tell me the truth, Maria.

What is your secret dream?

Everyone's got a secret dream.

I gave up on dreams, you know?

I have a simple desire.

I want my daughter to be happy.

Oh, tell the truth. Come on.

Everyone's got a project.

- You must have a plan.
- Well...

It will sound ridiculous to you.

Sweetheart,

anything you'd say to me

will never, ever sound
ridiculous to me.

Come on. What is it?

I would like to invent...

the half-pack of baking powder.

- Baking powder?
- Yes.

I cook a lot, you see,

and no recipe uses the whole
packet of baking powder.

None!

It's always half of the packet.

Then you leave the
rest in the cupboard.

But you don't use
it, never again,

because you're afraid
it got spoiled.

Or you're not sure it's a
real half remaining there.

Perhaps more, perhaps
less, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I get the point.
It's, um...

It's very smart. Very smart.

You're a very
unusual woman, Maria.

Yes, I am.

Maybe you could cook
for me sometime.

Invite me back to your place.

You have that Velazquez.

I could come and
appraise it for you.

You could take me to Madrid.

I could meet your family.

I'm brilliant at groveling.

Buenas noches.

Buenas noches, cariÒo.

Oh, madre mia.

- Que rico.
- Que rico.

- Que rico.
- Que rico.

- Que rico.
- Que rico. Yep, yep.

Bonsoir, monsieur. Bonsoir.

Bonsoir.

Wow.

What's with the outfit?

Well, it was
Dr. Schwiman's idea.

It's an exercise to expunge
my anger against Maria.

Are you jealous?

Stop it.

Anne, you're a beautiful woman.

But that's not
why I married you.

Am I not pretty anymore?

I think you're jealous
because you're...

insecure.

Of course I am.
We never have sex.

The world is full of
young pretty women,

and Paris is the worst.

Shh, shh, shh...

Don't shush me.

We have doctor's
orders, don't we?

I must get this.

Bob, the bank's
breathing down my neck.

Your accounts are running low.
This is it.

We really need the
money from the painting.

How much time do I have?

A month, maybe, before
the foreclosures begin.

I can't do anything
else without you here.

How was your evening?

You scared me, Madame.
Is everyone okay?

You're never up so early.

- How would you know?
- Well, sorry.

I'm going to get
breakfast ready.

What's in that bag, Maria?

- In this one, Madame?
- Exactly.

It's a dress from the
dry cleaner, Madame.

Hmm. They gave it
back to you like that

with no hanger or plastic?

It's for the dry cleaner.
I wanted to take it yesterday,

- but it was closed.
- Really?

You just said you picked
it up from the dry cleaner.

Sometimes I get confused
with my English, Madame.

Oh, no. Your English is perfect.

Let me see the dress.

- This is the one I...
- Give me the dress, Maria.

Yes, Madame.

It's dirty, Madame. It
belongs at the dry cleaners.

No. It belongs to me.

But I haven't worn it in months.

And it smells like you

with your cheap vanilla perfume.

I don't smell anything.

I trusted you, Maria.

I sat you at my table.
I thought you were honest.

Just so I know, do
you wear my underwear

when he takes you to the hotel?

I don't understand, Madame.

You know I hate it
when people cry.

I'm so sorry.

Just hurry up. The kids are
gonna be late for school.

I'm so sorry, Madame.

I don't know what to say.

I am in love, and I just...

Please!

Just stop it!

Okay, I am not your friend.

Try to put an end
to this nonsense.

I'm advising you to
think of what's important

for you and your daughter.

Yes, Madame.

How is she by the way?

Still very well. Thanks, Madame.

She's got the freestyle
finals coming up.

Well, I'm really proud to pay
for such a nice girl's study.

Really.

I'd hate to have to
be forced to stop.

Yes, Madame.

Stop with this phone.

He will not call.

We do not belong to this world.

He knows who I am.

He doesn't know.

But the world does.

Is that a Filipino saying?

Maria, we serve, they eat.

They don't love people
like you or Josiane or me.

We're slaves. Same as slaves.

How can you say
such a thing, Mandy?

Are you crazy?

I'm worth as much as Madame,

even if I bring
her tea on a tray.

We are human beings. You
better respect yourself.

We work for our kids. They
will be strong at study.

What does any of this
have to do with love?

Everything.

There's no such thing as love.

You're showing me the
best baker in Paris,

as if you would know
better than I would?

Je voudrais deux
croissants bien cuits.

Is that right?

Perfect.

Let me order something else.

Madame, s'il vous plait,

deux pains au chocolat
et un baguette.

How do you say "lemon tart?"

Tarte au citron.

No, no, no. We don't. We stop.

On va devenir très gross, Bob.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Let's play, kids!

Yay!

So... what do you
think, boy or a girl?

Let me see.

You're trying to play
a trick on me here.

I can feel...

There's twins in there, no?

Oh, my God! It's unbelievable!

I told you she was amazing.

When there is two, I
cannot tell if boy or girl.

Isn't it better than ultrasound?

One of you is worried.

One of you is in love.
You don't have to worry.

He's going to call and ask
you away for the weekend.

Finally! George Clooney
is going to call me.

What else?

Well, you should go.
You should say yes.

Life wasn't always nice to
you and will not always be,

so enjoy now.

I don't know who
she's talking to,

but one of you is gonna
have a nice weekend.

Maybe it's you.

The woman I am talking about

knows exactly who she is.

Should we open the
presents, Madame?

Are you drunk, Maria?

You Americans and guns.
You can't fight it.

Well, they give us guns at
ten, so we're not tempted

to play with the toy
pistol between our legs.

And does it work?

The guilt works.

I always have a little
guilt when I'm having sex.

How delicious that must be.

You must tell me all about it.

Here we are.

It's so beautiful.

Is it a hotel?

No, my dear, it is not.

I want you to witness
my big announcement.

Check.

I'm going to get you!

What has got into you?

Let's have sex.

Or let's run away.

We can have sex tonight, and
we can run away tomorrow.

Now, come on.

What I like about
chess is the vision.

You know where you're going,
but nobody else has a clue.

There is no such thing
as vision in chess.

Only options.

Hmm.

I have my own...
shortcuts, my lucky tricks.

Lay there for a minute
and smell the flowers.

What is going on?

I can't go in there.

- Are you ashamed of me?
- Of course not.

David, you know me.
You know who I am.

I cannot mix with these people.
I can't.

Darling Maria...

it is the 21st century.

Queen Elizabeth has
dinner with Jay-Z.

Come on, let's go.

Stefan Zweig said
that he loved chess

because it had nothing
to do with luck.

Maria! Maria!

I won't be caught
again, believe me.

Maria! Maria!

You're amazing.

Does every child in
the world love you?

Let's play.

Ah, gentlemen, if I can
have your attention, please.

I bring news from London.

Your painting has
been authentified.

Hallelujah.

Congratulations, mon vieux.

Mm. Thank you.

We have many things
to celebrate today.

First, our friendship.

To our wives,

to our families,

and let's not forget...

Michelangelo Merisi
da Caravaggio,

that rogue.

And master fornicator.

At least he had fun.

Taste it.

It's one of the greatest
wines in the world.

Bourgogne.

- To life.
- To life.

- To life.
- To life.

Thank you.

They are both with the
nice Portuguese nanny,

going down for a nap.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my gosh, you must have
the magic touch. Shazam!

Maria, tell us about yourself.

The mysterious woman
who stole David's heart.

Or his liver.

His heart is difficult to steal.

My heart is easy to steal,
but it's hard to hold.

I'm Irish, after all.

When did the Irish become
experts in affairs of heart?

They're supposed
to be happy drunks.

Oh.

The French do adultery,

and the English
do spanky-spanky.

And the Americans, they have sex

like they're invading
a third-world country

and didn't have to
pay for it afterwards.

I can explain it. In
France, we choose adultery,

so we can stay married
to our beloved wives.

The English, well,

after twenty years of getting
punished in boarding school,

fighting their
homosexual feelings,

they only have the guts to
speak to one girl, that's it.

They are settled for life.

What do you think, Maria?

Oh, well, I am an
old-fashioned Spanish,

but I do believe marriage
is an important matter.

So you don't lie to anyone.

- Interesting.
- She's adorable.

It's like you're from the
19th century or something.

Because you think women
were pure back then?

Did you ever read a book, David?

Yes, and I'm nearly
finished coloring it in.

Seriously. Vice has been around
since human beings themselves.

And needed an excuse
to invent virtue.

So, Anne, tell me.

How did you meet Maria?
She won't tell me.

Oh, no!

These two are very secretive
about their friendship.

I don't even know when they met.

Why such a mystery?

I am their maid.

I have been cleaning
their underwear

and their toilets...

for about, what?

Ten years now, Madame?

No, no! We traveled when
we were young, together,

and we ate at all the
finest restaurants.

Did you eat at Alain Ducasse's
new restaurant in Italy yet?

L'Andana? Oh, my God!

You must absolutely go there.
The meat is amazing.

How can you eat so much
and stay that thin?

She was always like that.

She was born like that.
Beautiful.

Never ages.

She's a mystery.

Thank you, darling.

When are you going
back to New York?

Oh, soon.

Are we... Are you leaving?

Yes.

Fun's over!

There's an investment banker
in New York I have to kill.

I'm going back to packing.

Taking the kids and the
staff and heading home.

But that doesn't
change your feelings.

What's a few miles
between friends?

Ah, Maria.

Do you realize what a mess we're
in because of your behavior?

I never asked for
anything, Madame.

He just...

Well, it's good you didn't ask.

You're a housekeeper,
not a prostitute.

It's not what you
think it is, Madame.

He's deeply in love with me.
True love.

He told me.

The way he holds me
during the night.

The way he looks at me.

Maria, just listen to me.

Anne, I beg you.

Don't call me Anne!

You abused my kindness,
and you lied to me.

I just did what you
asked me to, Madame.

I sat at that table
because you asked me to.

Look, I don't want to hurt you.
I know your life is hard.

But you're playing
out of your league.

How do you know?

How can I explain this
without hurting your feelings?

This is not your world.

If your opinions were
really interesting,

substantial,

if they had any impact
or a real interest,

why would you be a maid?

Because I'm a Spanish immigrant.
I had no options, Madame.

Cervantes, El Bulli,

Almodóvar, Antonio Banderas.

They're all Spanish, and
they're not maids, are they?

He loves me, Madame.

Perhaps you should
believe in love too.

You're in love.

You sing and you don't eat.

I eat.

But not so much.

That's how it starts.

Filthy genius!

I read it. Tell me it's true.

All true. Just
like the first one.

Only this time it's
not Anne and my father.

It's Anne and the maid.

Totally cool.

And you know what? Political.

How does it end?

Who knows?

Badly.

Join me.

David!

How are you?

Hello, Anne.

This is so funny because
I wanted to organize

a double date with my friend.

Remember the pretty brunette
from our dinner party, Jane?

- Oh, yeah.
- I know.

She can seem a little
boring at the beginning,

but she's a little lonely,
what with her divorce

and trying to figure out what
to do with all of her millions.

I hear she's a real
tornado in bed.

Anne, I think you're
getting me confused

with some sort of gigolo.

I'm just a humble academic.

I hear you have other talents.

Maybe I could take you
out some night, Anne.

Why not? When my beloved
husband is out of town.

But in the meantime, I'll
get the details from Jane.

Maria hasn't already told you?

Maria? Oh, my God.

I thought that nightmare was over.
I feel terrible.

I wanted to call you. I thought
things would end quickly.

Well, I surprised
myself, to be honest.

But what can I say?
She beguiles me.

Look, I held back because
I'm a nice person,

but there's something
I have to tell you

that should remain between us.

Nobody should be embarrassed.

I'm so sorry. It's
so good to see you.

- I'll call you, okay?
- Okay.

Oh! God!

Ah. Not too tight.

- All done.
- Okay.

No, I'm fine.

Oh, God.

Hello. This is David Morgan.

Please leave a message.

Hi. Hi, David. It's me, Maria.

Uh, nothing. I hope
you're doing well.

I sent you message.

I hope you received them.

And nothing. Um...

Call me back.

Take care.

Maybe something bad
happened to him.

I don't know, an accident.

I know what kind of
accident happened to man

that never called back.

It's an accident with boobs.

But it's not possible.

He was so in love with me.

You don't send text. You wait.

She's right. In French,
we say, "Fais le courir."

Make him run.

Ca lui fera les pieds.

Which mean, uh...

I don't know.

A mortal wanted...

to marry my wife?

Yes, and I had to
confront his violence.

Was it a prince
from this country,

or the king himself?

It is he who reigns
over this land.

The son of Proteus.

Ah.

So the hidden meaning...

behind the maid's words.

Oh, Bob.

It's not very professional.

Quasimodo's not watching.

Quasimodo would like this.

You know, Maria,

I can feel you're embarrassed
with everything that's happened.

But I want you to know you're
still important in this house.

I've spoken with Bob,

and we're giving you
a raise for Christmas.

Thank you, Madame, but
it will be not necessary.

Oh, nonsense.

Now, will you bring tea and cake
for two in the salon, please?

Yes, Madame.

So now that we've suddenly
got all this wall space,

I was thinking, if you want to
stick with the 17th century,

there is this.

- Oh, it's stunning.
- Yeah?

Oh, it really is.

But Christie's are
having a sale in London

in a couple of weeks' time.

We could go modern, maybe
pick up a Delacroix.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful.

I don't even know what to say.

I have to show Bob.

Is he not here? Is he away?

He's at his French lesson.

His accent is hilarious.

Oh, yeah.

Paris has been great for us.

We're in love like we
were when we first met.

Congratulations.

Bye, Steven.

Bye, Maria.

Take care.

Did you find your ending?

I'm not sure yet.

You know something?

A woman I was fond of once

told me not to despise people.

That people love happy endings.

They can't fight it.

The hero runs.

He kisses her in the rain.

People love it.

Really?

People.