Mad Heidi (2022) - full transcript

Could you hand me my shirt,
baby girl? I oughta get going.

Come on. Stay a little longer.

What about round two?
- You for real?

What?

You all outta mojo?
- Hell, you tryin' to kill me, woman?

Don't you want to stay with me?

You know it, baby girl. But
the goats need lovin', too.

Folks don't call me
Goat Peter for nothing.

Very funny.

There you go.

Hey.



Heidi!

You've been visiting
Goat Peter again!

And how was your day?
- Look.

That boy is trouble, I'm telling you.
- Here we go again.

Boys his age, they got
one thing on their mind.

So you just stay away from
him before you get hurt.

I know, but I just so
happen to like him a lot.

And I'm old enough to
make my own decisions.

You know, I only want
what's best for you.

You're all I have.

Can we just eat, Grandfather?

They say he's involved
in some shady business.

They? Who's they?
- In the village!

How about trusting your own
granddaughter's judgment



instead of some old hag's gossip?
- Heidi!

You know what? I'm
not hungry anymore.

Goat Peter and I love each
other. And that's that.

My dear, dear Heidi.

If only you knew.

You the guy?

I'm the guy, alright.

Straight to
business. I like it.

Rich, creamy,

smooth texture,

exquisite taste.

This goat cheese is
truly out of this world.

Nothing like the crap they
used to sell in the cities.

So it's true what
they say about you.

Happy goats...

make happy cheese.

Grüezi, Swiss citizens.

This is a special message
from our Very Swiss Leader.

Today's topic: Nutrition
and patriotism.

What could be better

than delicious, cheesy,
traditional Swiss home cooking?

Thanks, honey. Smells delicious.

And what could be worse than
someone who doesn't eat it?

Lactose intolerance is
a threat from within.

One that will smother the Swiss way
of life if we allow it to continue.

Whenever you observe anyone acting
suspiciously lactose intolerant,

call 1-800-LACTOSE!

I'm doing my part.

Your colleague.

I'm doing my part.

Or your girlfriend.

I'm doing my part.

Are you doing your part?

Keep Switzerland free
of lactose intolerance!

Call 1-800-LACTOSE!
Anonymity guaranteed.

This message is brought to
you by Meili's Cheese Co.

I look fantastisch.

Good work, Gutzweiler!
- Thank you, my Very Swiss Leader.

I'm very proud of the results.

It could definitely use
some sexy girls, though.

Okay. That is enough praise for
today. Anything else you have for me?

Good news, sir. The French.

They are ready to agree
to our export terms.

But...

My Very Swiss Leader.

I am...

You are one minute
and 52 seconds late.

This is not Swaziland.
This is Switzerland!

My sincere apologies.

Apologies?

You are hereby relieved
of your duties. Guards!

Anyway. Where were we?

The French, sir.

They insist on sending a
delegation of food inspectors

to see if we meet their standards
before they make a final decision.

You know the French.
They love their cheese.

Those Brie-eating bastards want
to lecture me about cheese?

Who do they think they are?

Maybe I should invite them to
the National Day celebration.

So... how is the Ultra
Swiss cheese coming along?

Ah, very good, sir. I think you will
be very pleased with the results.

Good.

First France...

and then...

the world!

I heard someone ordered fondue.

Oh, I love the smell of
cheese in the morning.

That wasn't so bad, now, was it?

Please.

No more cheese.

I can't take it.

I am lactose intolerant.

Of course you are.

You filthy foreign fuck!

Well, who is your supplier?

His name is G...

G... G... G...

G... G... G... G... G... G...

Goat Peter.

And where can we
find this Goat Peter?

The Alps.

The village above Davos.

Tomorrow. Please.

I told you what
you want to know.

You promised to let me go.

I did. But first...

How about some
chocolate for dessert?

Goat Peter!

There you go.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

I love you, Goat Peter.

I love you too, baby girl.

Definitely our goat fucker.

This man has been charged
with the production,

sales and distribution of
illegal dairy products.

Let this be a lesson to you all.
Traitors get what they deserve.

Noooooo!

And who might you be?

Take her away!
- Come with us!

Meili's gonna love this one.

Don't let her get away. Quick!

See, what did I tell you? They've
been down to the village again.

Just wait 'til I give
him a piece of my mind.

Grandfather!

Did you really think you
could get away from me?

Leave the girl alone.

Mind your own business, old man.
It's better for your health.

I said... leave
her alone, Knorr!

Or I'll blow your
fucking head off.

Wait a minute. Alpöhi?

Is it really you?
- You better believe it.

Get on your merry way and
forget you ever saw the girl!

She's yours? This just keeps
getting better and better.

Final warning!

Your pathetic rebellion
failed a long time ago.

Grandfather!

Don't bother.

It's pointless.

Where are they taking us?

I don't know.

My name is Klara.

What's yours?

Fräulein Rottweiler.

This is the one.

I'm rather unimpressed.

Meili is gonna love
her. You'll see.

Is that so?

Lutz!

You are now property
of the Fatherland.

Welcome to Camp Alpenblick!

Next.

Next.

Next.

Well...

Open up.

As suspected.
Lactose intolerant.

Guards!

Never mind that one.

Good. Next.

Well, hello.

Open!
- I'm fine, thank you very much.

Don't worry. You're
in good hands.

I see. Spirited,
aren't you, huh?

I could do this all day
long. What about you?

Watch out.

The way you were resisting, I was
certain that you would be intolerant.

Oh. Fresh meat.

Just ignore them.

This is Rosie.

She's all bite and no bark.

Me and you, we're going to
have a real good time together.

Quiet in there!

Lights out!

I'm gonna make them pay.

I promise you.

I'm scared. Aren't you?

I gotta get out of here.

We gotta get out of here. We
gotta come up with something.

Klara, you hear me?

We need to stick together.

Even if we managed to
sneak past the guards,

how would we make
it out of here?

I mean... We don't
even know where we are.

We'll find a way.

We have to.

Quiet!

Good night, Klara.

Good night.

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning,
Fräulein Rottweiler!

Congratulations,

new arrivals.

You are the chosen ones!

As you all know...

Schwingen, also known
as Alpine Wrestling,

is our nation's
most popular sport.

Today you begin your training!

Lutz!

As there are some newbies here,

we'll start with the basics.

You!

And you.

Into the ring!

We start with the basic
moves of Schwingen!

The "kurz" is the most commonly
used grip on the Schwing court.

Go!

Enough! You're going to kill her!
- Alright!

Get back in line!

Let's see if there's some talent

behind that big mouth of yours.

You.

The next move is
the "wyberhaagge".

Not only because of its name,

it is one of the more
spectacular swings.

I told you we're gonna have fun.

Found any fishes down
there? No? Check again!

Attention! Stand straight.

You, you, you. Out!

We'll continue the swimming
lessons tomorrow, Bambi.

I present to you our Very
Swiss Leader, President Meili.

Oh. That is what it's like.

Not too shabby at all. I'm
starting to like this place.

Anyway. Knorrli!

It's Kommandant Knorr!

That's the one.
Maienfeld, Adelheid.

24 years old.

Granddaughter of Alpöhi.

Recently deceased. I took
care of that personally...

Ooh! Quite the lively one.

I like that look on your face.

That starry-eyed cluelessness
one only find in the Alps.

Perfect.

I am positively surprised,
Kommandant Knorr.

I did not expect that from you.

Anyway, I have got important things to
do. Cow business, if you know what I mean.

The girl.

I want her to be the main attraction.
This'll be the best Schwing fest in years.

Of course, sir, I have...

I've had it with cheese.

Isn't there anything else?

Oh, let me check.

Oh, no. Just cheese.
Take it or leave it.

All prisoners pick
up your meals.

What's the problem, Bambi?

I'm not eating that crap.

Ooh. Are you suddenly
lactose intolerant?

Stuff your fat faces with
that garbage all you want.

I'd rather starve to death
than end up as one of you.

Leave her alone!
Leave her alone!

Anyone else wants some?

And these two...

Take 'em away!

How the hell did she
get that in here?

I have had it with your
sloppy strip searches.

I expect better.

Yes, ma'am, Fräulein Rottweiler.

Oh, is that how you
want to play it?

Very well!

In just a few days, you'll be on
your knees, begging for cheese.

In Switzerland, in
Switzerland In Switzerland...

What a pain in the ass!

Woof, woof, woof.

Pugsie!

Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

You truly are insatiable, hm?

Woof, woof, woof, woof.

Very well.

Smell that?

All the delicious cheese.

Till tomorrow!

You've been visiting
Goat Peter again.

Lunch is getting cold.

Smell that?

I love you, too, baby girl.

Delicious cheese...

What are you staring at?

Delicious cheese.

Lunch is getting cold.

Don't you want some?

Grandfather?

For fuck's sake!

I should have you all arrested.

I'm sure it's just a...
- Matter of logistics.

That is what you told me the last time.
Yet here we are, you've nothing to show.

Some more milk.

My Very Swiss Leader,

I promise you, your
new Ultra Swiss cheese

will be ready in time
for Swiss National Day.

It better be

because you are hanging
on a really thin thread,

Schwitzgebel!

Speaking of Swiss
National Day...

How is the mountain girl doing?
- Oh...

Very promising. You were
right to choose her.

Good. You would not disappoint
me, would you, Knorrli?

I wouldn't dare,
sir. You know me.

I do indeed.

Gentlemen.

To world domination!
- To world domination!

Rottweiler.

Finally! Meili is
getting impatient.

If the girl doesn't deliver at the
fest, he'll have our heads on a platter.

You are giving me
orders, Pugsie?

Damn right I am.

That almost sounds like you
are questioning my abilities.

I don't care how you do it.

Just make it happen!

You know...

I'm so glad...

that you didn't listen.

Because...

I'm going to enjoy this...

very much.

It's party time, bitch.

I think she's had enough.

Give us a minute, will you?

You know... I'm not as
bad as you think I am.

I really do care about my
girls, especially you, Heidi.

I only want what's best for you.

Sometimes that requires a
little bit of tough love.

But tough love is still love.

Wouldn't you agree?

Anyway. I've got you
a little something...

to cheer you up.

Now how about you have a
little something to eat? Hmm?

What do you say?

Such a good girl.

I'm not a good girl anymore.

Time to leave.

Why?
- I got keys.

Cheese?

No, keys! We can finally
get the hell out of here!

But it's going to
be breakfast soon.

Wait, what?

What the hell are you on
about? We gotta hurry.

I need my daily cheese

so I can be big and strong...

and become Switzerland's next top
Schwinger for our Very Swiss Leader.

For fuck's sake,
Klara, snap out of it!

Fuck!

Goddamn it, Klara, get
up! I can't do this alone!

I'm leaving.

I'll fix this. I promise.

Ruthli!

This way!

There's nowhere for
you to run, Heidi.

Unless you want to join
the rest of your family.

What?

Your grandfather never told you?

I made sure your parents
got what they deserve.

And now it's your turn.

It would be my
pleasure to reunite you

and to once again see
that look on a face I saw

when I drained the life out of your
whore mother and your deadbeat dad.

All your sheltered
life in the mountains

still led your
right into my arms.

You know, personally, I
couldn't give a rat's ass

how much Meili wants
you at his Schwing fest.

So, which will it be?

You do not control my destiny.

God damn her!

Knorrli, I did not
expect you here today.

I've got some unfortunate news that
I wanted to tell you in person, sir.

It's the mountain girl, Heidi.

Get to the point. I
haven't got all day.

She's dead.

She's what?

Killed herself.

Un-fucking-believable!

How could you let this
happen? You incompetent fuck!

How hard can it be,
guarding a fucking girl?

We couldn't...
- Shut the fuck up!

We will deal with this later.

My Very Swiss Leader, it's a great honor
to show you the culmination of my work:

Meili's

Ultra

Swiss.

None of this would be possible
without your brilliant plan

for the future of Switz...
- Blow that smoke up your own ass.

Are we going to see results or not?
- Of course, my Very Swiss Leader.

Oh, hello there.

Cheesemaster.

I managed to increase
the lactose proportion

to no less than 88%.

With this new formula,

we can not only reach peak muscle
mass upon short term consumption,

but also peak
cerebral softening,

which will result in near
total lack of linguistic skills

and renders the consumer

unconditionally obedient.

Good God, spare me the
scientific mumbo jumbo!

Try speaking like a
normal person for once.

Well, as you would put it, sir,

it's going to make
everyone dumb as fuck.

Talk is cheap. Show me!
- Of course, my Very Swiss Leader.

Kari here will have the honor
to sample the new Ultra Swiss.

Oh...
- Go ahead, Kari.

Unbelievably delicious.

Best I've ever eaten.

Well, don't stop now.

It's... But it's...

It's...

It's what?

Come on, spill it!

Cerebral softening, sir.

You also said obedience.

I did indeed. Try it.

Stand straight.

Show me how strong you are.

What, what, what, what? No!

M... Meili! Do something!
- Not him, you idiot!

Sir, I... I'm terribly sorry.

I promise you, I...
- I...

love it!

You crazy genius!

You've created the perfect
Swiss super soldier!

I guess the position for
propaganda minister just opened up.

Sir. You can't be serious.

This thing is supposed
to be a soldier?

I don't see how...
- Of course you don't.

You and your soldiers can't
even handle a little girl.

The future is now, old man!

Produce as much
of it as you can!

Of course, my Very Swiss Leader.

You may leave
whenever you please.

The weapons, they stay.

I am Helvetia, Guardian
of the Motherland.

Lust for vengeance flows
through your veins.

Many things you shall
learn, young cub.

Forget joy,

forget sorrow,

forget love, forget hate.

Follow the whispering leaves

and the call of
the mountain goat.

Meili's blood's gonna boil
when he sees that one.

I hope he gets a
motherfucking heart attack.

Easy now! It's only me.

Alpöhi?

You got some nerve showing up on
my doorstep after all these years.

Knorr killed your boy.

What the hell you talkin' about?

Goat Peter?

My beautiful boy?

And now he's after my Heidi, so
I'm going to kill the bastard.

And I need your help.

You want us three old
guys to... go after Knorr,

without even knowing where to
go, or what we're up against?

Is this what you're saying?

Exactly.

Alright...

let's go tear that
motherfucker a new asshole.

I knew I'd find you in here. As
predictable as a good old Swiss watch.

My Very Swiss Leader.

Stop moping around, Knorrli. There's
plenty enough boots left to lick.

You actually look pretty good
sitting behind that desk.

Who knows, I might have to
"promote" you to prison warden.

What?

Relax! I'm just
fucking with you.

Although... I did tell you to
not disappoint me, remember?

Of course, sir.

My staff informed me that these are
the two most promising candidates.

That's it.

Those two? Is this
your idea of a joke?

They are fierce warriors and more than...
- I wanted the fucking mountain girl.

You let her get away.
- She didn't get away.

She died.
- Whatever, Knorrli.

This year's fest was destined for
the history books. Now it's just...

Sir, there is a soldier who
insists on speaking to you.

Herr... Herr Kommandant!

Herr Kommandant.

Our patrol was attacked.

We didn't stand a chance.

Get a grip on yourself,
soldier. Now what happened?

We were... just finishing lunch.

Suddenly there was this noise.

That's not a weapon.

This is.

She... She left me alive
to give you a message.

She?

She said...

Death to the Fatherland!

Knorrli!

Are you telling me she did this?

The fucking mountain girl?

Not only is she not dead,

she's also massacring
your goddamn soldiers?

This is your last
goddamn chance.

You better fucking fix this!

Summon the Neutralizer.

I'm out of ink.

Just take the ink pad
from the other stamp.

What other stamp?

Right away.

Long live our Very Swiss Leader.
- Alright, fuck off!

Got you, fucker!

Right. This should
be the last one.

Time for a break.
- Well, well, well...

Something's yodeling
in my pants.

I wouldn't push her off
my bed, that's for sure.

I heard she took
down an entire squad.

I wish I could be
the one to find her.

I'd teach her some real good
manners, if you know what I mean.

That's some real big talk
for such puny little boys.

Ha! It's my lucky day!

Yodel me this!

Now that's what I
call a swan song.

You're coming with me!

What the fuck are
you supposed to be?

Bonjour, gentlemen.

It is my great honor to welcome you
to our National Day festivities.

Bonjour, monsieur le president, on
behalf of myself and my colleagues,

let me extend our sincere appreciation
for inviting us to this event.

Mon pleasure. It is a great opportunity
to celebrate the dawn of a new era.

But for now, relax, eat.

We will discuss business later.

Super. Splendid.
- Excellent.

Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up to our...

Very Swiss Leader,
President Meili!

Happy Swiss National
Day, dear citizens.

Today we shall celebrate 20
years of Switzerland's new order!

The Meili era!

Not even the sky
shall be the limit...

Hey, Klara!

Ladies and gentlemen!

I now present you the first
Schwing fight of today.

Klara!

Versus...

Rosie and Flora!

Let the festivities begin!

Yeah!

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, allow me to present

today's main attraction.

A traitor to her own country.

The rebel spawn: Heeidiii!

To honor this special occasion,

this fight will be carried out using
only traditional Swiss weapons.

Guys! We don't have to do this.

Shut up and fight, traitor!

Look what you made me do, bitch!

Do it!
- Don't you see?

We're in this together, for fuck's
sake. I am not the enemy. They are.

Faster, pussycat.

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

What is she waiting for?

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Just fucking do it, mountain girl! It's
not like I've ever been nice to you!

Alright, enough of this!

It's time to wake up, people!

Look at yourselves!

You're blindly following
Meili and his crooks!

All that cheese clogged
your brain cells.

What about your dignity?

Your fucking freedom?

Don't you remember how things
were before? The lives you lived.

The ones you loved?

All of that is gone now,

replaced by the shallow
vision of a spoilt man-child!

Is that really what you want?

Oh, for fuck's sake,
people, wake up!

What are you gonna do
now, mountain girl?

I'm coming for you!
You fucking bastard!

All part of the show.
All part of the show.

Do something, Knorrli!

Send him in!

Say goodbye to your
little friends.

We're in this
together, remember?

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Are you happy now?

Heidi! Heidi!
Heidi! Heidi! Heidi!

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
gentlemen...

it's time for the factory tour.

Monsieur le president, we cannot
leave now! This Heidi is amazing!

My heart is melting like
butter on a baguette!

Forget about her. The real highlight
is yet to come! Now please, follow me!

Heidi! Heidi! Heidi!

Heidi! Heidi! Heidi!

There is no escaping
fate. No escaping me.

You know, given
the circumstances,

I'd say we've actually had
quite some fun together.

Don't you think so?

But as you know, all good
things must come to an end.

I'm not done with you.

Citizens,

behold the fate that
awaits a traitor.

Say hello to your rotten family

when you join them in hell!

Oh, not again!

Shoot them!

You fucked with the wrong Heidi!

This is for Goat Peter and
all the people of Switzerland

you deprived of their freedom.

Boo-hoo! My heart is bleeding.

You're goddamn right it is.

Death to the Fatherland!

Fuck you!

Long live the Motherland!

Heidi!

Grandfather!

How could you lie to me about my parents?
- Heidi, I didn't...

I thought you were dead.

I hate to interrupt the family
reunion, but we're not done here.

Shit!

Klara!

He...

He ran into the tunnel.

He... Meili!

Voilà!

Monsieur Meili,
you are a genius.

What you have achieved
here is truly magnifique.

C'est mon pleasure.

Mr. President.

Is there a problem, monsieur Meili?
- Oui.

Non! Non! Non!

Let us celebrate
this historic moment.

It is a tradition
here in Switzerland

to have a cheese dessert
after signing a contract.

Schwitzgebel!

I'm proud to present to you the
latest creation from our gourmet line.

Bon appetit, monsieurs!

Formidable!

Holy cow!

Those sick fucks!

Impressive, isn't it? I
call them the mother cows.

The secret to our new delicious
Ultra Swiss product line.

Soon the world will be mine!

Not if I can help it!

Aww, so cute!

But it doesn't matter
what you do now anyway.

Attack!

Bon voyage, bitch!

Now that's what I
call Swiss cheese!

Where do you think you're going?

Hit it, Ueli!

Rest in cheese, bitch.

Grandfather!

Looks like the fuckers
got me this time.

Okay, people, let's
rig this place.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Heidi.

I just tried to protect you.
I didn't want to lose you too.

Just look how you've turned out.
I should never have doubted you.

I don't care. Just
don't die, you hear?

It's alright,
Heidi. It's alright.

This old-timer's time is up.

Oh, I'm turning into
one of those things!

Ueli! Come on, let
me take care of that.

My Heidi,

I'm so proud of you.

Now go!

I think I'll just stick around
here. Just for a little while.

Goodbye, Grandfather!

Alright! Get all the women and
let's get the hell out of here!

Goodbye, old friend.

The only good cheese...

is fried cheese.

It was my wife's, you know?

She gave it to Goat Peter
shortly before she passed away.

I'm glad it's yours now.

I will always keep
it close to my heart.

It looks good on you.

I hope it always reminds you
of the days in the mountains

and that it will preserve
that innocence within you.

Let's go!

You ready to do this?

Fuck, yeah!

There is no snow in Yokohama

There are no ski
slopes on Hawaii

In Barcelona, no
such thing as ski

Which is why we let it be
And don't leave home at all

There is no slalom in Acapulco

And no downhill in Corinth

On the Bahamas it's too hot
That's why we travel not

And just stay put
where we are...

Fuck!

Our mountains, they are so
lovely So much to do and see...

Heidi and Klara
will return in...

"Heidi & Klara"!