Mad About Men (1954) - full transcript

(Cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen,

the hundred yards race has been won

by the sports mistress of our local high school,
Miss Caroline Trewella.

- I lost my bathing cap.
- you won the race, though.

- That was just luck.
- Proud of you, Caroline!. Proud of you!

- Congratulations, Miss Trewella.
- Thank you.

Now you've won the cup for the third time,
you've won it outright.

I know that I'm speaking for everybody here
when I say...

- Caroline's lucky week.
- yes.

Jolly good show,
her aunt leaving her that house in Cornwall.



Pity it's in such an outlandish place, though.

She's frightfully thrilled about it.

- If they don't hurry up, she'll miss her train.
- Uh-oh.

TANNOY.. The next train from
platform 3 is for Penzance,

calling at Westbury, Taunton,
Exeter, Newton Abbot, Plymouth,

Liskeard, Bodmin Road,
and all stations to Penzance.

What a rush!

(Flatly) I hope you have a nice weekend
at Smuggler's Rest.

you sound as though you do.

It's a ridiculous waste of money
to be travelling first class.

It's a long journey and I wanted to relax.

Oh, well.
Have you got sandwiches and things?.

- I'm going to have a meal on the train.
- Isn't that rather extravagant?.

Caroline, the more we save now,
the sooner we can get married.



That is what you want, isn't it?.

yes, Ronald.

Good. Here is the newspaper for you.

- Thank you.
- It's all right. I've finished with it.

I should hope so. It's yesterday's.

(Guard's whistle)

Goodbye.

Bye.

GUARD.. Pencarrow!. Pencarrow!.

I can manage.

Pencarrow. Pencarrow.

Passengers for Pencarrow get out here.

Thank you.

Tickets, please. All tickets, please.

(Seagulls cry)

- Is there a porter?.
- No, miss. No porter tonight.

- Could I have a taxi, then?.
- No taxi neither.

How do I get to a house
called Smuggler's Rest?.

Smuggler's Rest is up along,
about three quarters of a mile.

- Oh, dear.
- I'll carry it for you, miss.

Thank you.
I'll make it worth your while.

That's very kind of you.

Hello.

That's Smuggler's Rest up there.

Now, here we are.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, isn't it enough?.

Quite enough, miss.

- Miss Trewella.
- Ah, Mrs Forster.

you're very welcome, miss, I'm sure.

you've got a look of the Trewellas, bless you.

- Good evening, Mr Jeffrey, sir.
- Good evening, Mrs Forster.

I've just been doing my good turn for the day.

Very kind of you indeed, sir.

If ever you feel like a little fishing,
Miss Trewella, I shall be delighted.

Any time.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mrs Forster.

- Well, now, this is most attractive.
- Oh, I am glad.

Mrs Forster, who exactly is Mr Jeff...?.

Mr Jeffrey Saunders, miss.
One of the richest gentlemen hereabouts.

- I thought he was a fisherman.
- He does fish. It's his hobby, like.

I see.

you know, I haven't been here
since I was a child.

you won't find things change much
round about here.

It's funny. That picture's
the only thing that I can remember.

She's the lady that enticed your
great-grandfather down to the sea.

Was he drowned?.

Not exactly, but they do say he was sunk
the moment he set eyes on her.

Ah. There's a lot of nonsense talked
about mermaids in Cornwall.

Hello, boys. Thirsty?.

- Good evening, sir.
- Evening, Mr Jeffrey.

- Two more pints, Charlie.
- Right, sir.

- How are things?.
- Bad, Mr Jeffrey, bad.

Last night's catch was the worst this year.

I reckon there's a shark of some sort
round abouts.

- Why?.
- No fish.

And the gulls won't rest on the water.
They always know, all right.

Besides, Old Rundle saw something funny
out in the bay.

Oh, I saw it all right. I saw it all right, Mr Jeffrey.

A great big shiny tail.

Like nothing I'd never seen before.

- Was it after closing time?.
- (Laughs)

Now, have I seen everything?.

- yes.
- What's here?.

That goes down to the old smuggler's cave,
but the steps are all fallen away.

- Have you been down?.
- No! I don't want to break my neck.

It ought to have been bricked up years ago.

- Is that the sea?.
- yes.

It makes strange noises sometimes.

At night, most particular.

- What do you mean?.
- Well, sort of eerie sounds.

Almost inhuman.

M- m-m-m-m-m-ruh!

M- m-m-m-m-ruh!

Gracious!

If you're nervous,
you're welcome to sleep at my cottage.

It would take more than echoes
to make me nervous.

(Echoing horn blast)

(Tune continues)

I'm sick of playing this dreary trumpet.

It's no good being nervous. It's nothing.

It is! I've heard it twice.

(Screams)

Is anybody there?.

Hello.

But you're me! you can't be.

I'm Miranda. Who are you supposed to be?.

I don't know.

Oooh!

Berengaria, be quiet. Submerge.

you're a Trewella, by the look of you.
I'm one, too.

The wrong side of the blanket, of course.
I was born on the ocean bed.

The ocean bed?.

But... then you're a mermaid!

Naturally.

Look.

- See what I mean?.
- But you can't be. There aren't any.

(Musical blast)

Is she a Trewella?.

Oh, no. Between you and me,
she's a bit simple.

Her mother was frightened
by an octopus.

Poor thing.

As a matter of fact,

she's a silly creature,

but she's always been my accompanist.

(Horn blast)

I think I'll come ashore.

We must have a mutual great-grandfather.

That's right.
Old Matthew Trewella was terribly gay.

He used to take my great-grandma
on dry land sometimes.

As a matter of fact, I've been on dry land also.

How did you manage?.

I had a whale of a time!
I met the most lovely men. Do you know any?.

I'm engaged to one.

Has he got pretty legs?.

I don't think I'd call them "pretty".

Well, then, you must get another one.

Do you like being a mermaid?.

It's dull at the moment. All the men are away.

- The mermen, of course.
- yes. They've gone to a coral convention.

They go every year for two weeks.

Would you like to come into the house
and have a talk and a drink,

if your husbands or friends are away?.

Wouldn't you think it strange
to have a mermaid in the sitting room?.

Not any more. It seems quite natural.

Rather fun to have a fish in the family.

I think you're a darling.

It must be lovely to be you.

Caroline, would you let me be you,
just for two weeks?. I'm so lonely.

But how could you?. What about your...

I'd wrap it up and go as an invalid.

Well, I did half-promise a friend
to go on a cycling tour.

I suppose you could take my place
for two weeks.

But who would look after you?.

There's a nurse in London
who looked after me last time.

She understands my little ways.
Nurse Carey.

(Knock)
- Come in.

There's a young lady to see you, Nurse.

- Put it on the table, please.
- I said a young lady, Nurse.

- What?.
- A young lady to see you.

Oh?. What's her name?.

- Miss Trewella.
- Miss Trewella! Miranda!

But you're walking. you've grown legs!

How do you do?. I'm afraid I'm not Miranda.

Not Miranda?. But your face, your voice...

We have the same family tree,

it's just that Miranda is the underwater branch.

Incredible.

I've just come from her.
She needs your help.

- Needs my help!
- She wants to come on land again.

The darling creature!
She shall! She shall! She shall!

Hello, Mrs Forster.
I hear Miss Trewella's coming back.

Morning, Mr Jeff. Morning, George.
That's right. Tomorrow afternoon.

I thought I'd better give her
one of these as a peace offering.

Ooh! What a beauty! This'll cheer her up.

- Here's one for you, Mrs Forster.
- Thank you very much, Mr Jeff.

Poor girl's had an accident. Did you know?.

yes. She fell out of them parallel bars,
whatever they may be.

- Is she badly hurt?.
- It's her legs.

She won't be able to walk for some time.

Well, if there's anything I can do...

She'll need someone to carry her round.

yes. Thank you, Mr Jeff,
but she's bringing a trained nurse with her.

Good morning.

- Hello, Mrs Forster.
- Oh, Miss Trewella! My poor dear!

Where are my boys?.
Where's the porter?. Ooh, there you are.

That's right.

- Just put the bags down there, will you?.
- No trouble, madam.

Thank you very much.

- One moment, my man.
- It's a pleasure.

- There we are. Thank you very much.
- Thank you, madam.

Oh! Take care! Take care!
Those are my dear, darling boys.

Are you sure you're going to be all right?.

Well, I shan't be quite myself
for the next two weeks.

- (Tuts)
- Nurse Carey.

Coming, Miss Trewella. Coming!

- This is Mrs Forster.
- How do you do?.

(Cat miaous)

Oh, dear. A pussy.
Where will our sanctuary be?.

- Well, your room's in there, Nurse.
- Thank you very much.

Naughty pussy! you mustn't!

I'll be going.
The meal's all ready. See you in the morning.

Thank you.

.. 98, 99...

Does it shine?. I want it to look wonderful.

If I went on shore, I should have a perm.

But then I never shall.

you're really much more fish than I am.

I know.

I've only to sit on a rock for ten minutes
and I get landsick.

I only get lovesick.
I think men are so beautiful.

Huh! Men!

The only one I ever trusted
tried to harpoon me.

Fabulous!
Oh, what a miraculous cavern.

Miranda! Miranda! We're here!

- How blue the sea is.
- We've come to fetch you.

- So, this is her home.
- Be careful, now.

I'm very sure of foot. Oh!

Thank you.

I'll get her rug.

Miss Miranda!
Miss Miranda! Here I am!

Nurse! I knew you'd come.

Of course I came.

Oh! you pretty thing!

- But where's the other young lady?.
- young lady?.

She's down there shrimping.

Berengaria!

Nurse Carey - Berengaria.

Oh! How do you do?.

How do I do what?.

Well, just how do you do?.

I like your bonnet.

Do you?.
Couldn't you make one out of seaweed?.

Would you wear a cabbage on your head?.

No, perhaps not.

(Screams)

Very interesting, of course,
but not quite a lady.

Here comes Miss Caroline.

Ready?.

We'll wrap you up
and get you up to the house.

Goodbye, Miranda. Keep your tail wet.

Bye-bye, Bere!

oodbye!.

I'd better take a change of shoes.
Even if it pours, Viola cycles through.

Camping with the girls.
What a waste of a tent!

Miranda, you must behave.
you're supposed to be me and you're engaged.

Come along, dear, come along.
you've a long cycle ride ahead of you.

Miranda, please be good.

I'll be better than good.

I'll be the best they've seen here for years.

Nurse, you must look after her.
See that she doesn't get into any hot water.

(Laughs) She could hardly do that, eh?.

Don't you worry,
you just look after yourself.

I should be clear of the village by daylight.

If only all our British girls
were as brave as you.

See you in two weeks' time.

On! On, Britannia!

Well, she's gone.
The poor, buttoned-up creature.

Isn't it funny to think that
Great-Grandma was in this very house?.

yes, yes, yes.

The dear, pretty soul.

What a pity Miss Caroline's
having to sell the house.

Sell the house?.

Why?.

Financial reasons, dear.
Besides, very soon she's going to get married.

But why can't they come and live here?.

Her fiance is some sort of engineer,
and he's got to work in London.

What's he like?.

Well, look.

- hardly bursting with sex appeal, is he?.
- None at all.

Still, I dare say he's very dependable.

Dependable, my tail!

I'll hook a better one than that for Caroline.

- Nurse!
- yes.

- Open up the wardrobe.
- yes, yes.

Oh, my!

How awful!

No wonder she only caught Ronald,
with that for bait.

Let's see what else there is.

Ah, here we are.

Here's something a little less refined,
rather more chic.

It's too hot and it wouldn't show enough of me.

- Now, Miss Miranda...
- We must buy some new ones.

yes, yes, but what about the money?.

I've got plenty in the cave below.
Berengaria will give it to you tomorrow morning.

Oh, good, good, good.

Arise and shine!

Hello, old trout.

Old trout yourself!

I want Miss Miranda's breakfast.

Well, here it is!

Steady on! I'm not a seal!

She wants me to fish up her ditty box.

Catch.

Pandora's box.

Ooh, look at this.

That belonged to my great-granny.

Oh, poor soul.

- I fancy that.
- A little too big for you.

Perhaps it is.

This looks more like you.

Oh, how lovely!

For a grand occasion.

The cat's whiskers.

- Can I keep it?.
- Certainly..

Thank you.

Good gracious!
What are all these coins?.

- Doubloons.
- Spanish doubloons?.

But you'll never be able to spend them.

Can't we exchange them somewhere?.

I don't think there's
a pawnbroker's in this village.

I don't want to get my clothes in this village.
We've got to go to Torquay.

Good, good, good.

Here we are.

I've never been inside
one of these places before.

I'd like to go in alone, please.

Would you, dear?.
I do hope they won't cheat you.

Don't worry, I'm used to dealing with sharks.

yes, very well.

Good morning.

Good morning.

What lovely curls!
Are they permanent?.

They've been with me
ever since I can remember.

They must be such fun to comb.

yes.

Er, what can I do for you?.

- Think of something nice.
- Is there something you fancy in the window?.

Not in the window.

I want to sell these.

Oh, yes, of course.

Old gold.

- Spanish?.
- They've been in my family for years.

Well, they're worth quite a lot of money.

Would you like ready cash or would you care
for me to arrange a credit with your bank?.

They'd be most surprised if you did.

Oh, really. Which is your bank?.

- The Dogger.
- The Dogger Bank?.

yes.

We must get on, dear.
We've such heaps to do.

He's bought them. Isn't he sweet?.

- Charming.
- Oh, it was a great pleasure.

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

I didn't think he'd take them.

He can't have seen anything
like those before.

He can't have seen anything like me before.

Well, no, of course not.

Now, clothes!

Christopher Columbus!

She's off!

What delicious abandon.

- Thank you.
- It's been a pleasure.

- Are you having trouble?.
- yes, we are.

- Let me help you.
- Thank you very much.

you're very strong.

It's a pleasure.
I knew the late Miss Trewella.

Oh, I'm always early.

you never know
what you'll miss if you're late.

My name is Sutton. Barclay Sutton.

- I shall call you Barclay.
- yes, please do.

May I introduce my fiancee,
Barbara Davenport?. We're distant cousins.

The distance is merely relative.

I was afraid you were his wife.

you teach at St Hilda's, don't you?.
Kensington?.

- That's right.
- My uncle, Sir Felix, is one of the governors.

- you know him?.
- I'm his favourite mistress.

- We're going to be close neighbours.
- The closer the better.

The Hall is half a mile from your house.

- yes, you must come over and see us.
- Sometime.

- Is tomorrow soon enough?.
- By all means.

- Why don't you come to dinner?.
- I'd love to. How do I get there?.

I'll come and fetch you in my car.

- Oh, I love motoring.
- you can hardly call half a mile motoring.

- It all depends how fast you go.
- If you please.

Until tomorrow, then.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

She's oddly ingenuous, isn't she?.

I should say she was just odd.

We must be nice to her.
She's having a rough time.

From what I can see, I should think
she would like it to be even rougher.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting,
but the most extraordinary thing has happened.

Someone's put six Spanish doubloons
in the collection.

- They're pretty rare, aren't they?.
- Museum pieces, Colonel.

- Have you any idea who it could be?.
- I can only think it must be Miss Trewella.

- That's where we settle.
- Don't you love the Colonel's moustache?.

- yes. Very handsome.
- He reminds me of a walrus I once knew.

My late husband had a moustache,
a ginger one.

I used to trim it with my surgical scissors.

- Did you like it?.
- It was rather ticklesome.

Sometimes it retained the froth from his ale.

- How lovely!
- Oh, no, it wasn't.

I hope Caroline likes them because
the Colonel would make rather a good match.

He evidently thinks you most fascinating.

Shall we add him to our list of possibles?.

A very good beginning.

But he's not the only pebble on the beach.

Can you see that beautiful man there?.

- I should say so.
- I could fall for him hook, line and sinker.

- Hello!
- Miranda, please.

- Good morning, Miss Trewella.
- He knows my name.

- Isn't he beautiful?.
- yes, yes.

- I'm sorry about your accident.
- yes, it is trying.

If I could walk, I could come down there
and see what you're doing.

I can soon remedy that.

Ooh! How intrepid.

Be careful! She's rather delicate.

Oh, don't take her down there.

Mind how you go!
you might lose your foothold!

Don't slip on the mackerel.

(Mutters)

Hello, old gentleman.

Hello, missy.

Would you be a darling
and go and keep my nurse company?.

Aye, I would.

It's a long time since I kept company,

but once you know how,
you never lose the knack.

- How's that?.
- Perfect.

The young lady sent me up
to keep you company, nursey.

- Oh, she did, did she?.
- But I came willing, all right.

- Do you mind if I sit down?.
- you seem to have sat down, don't you?.

I love your legs.

What's your name?.

But you know. Jeff Saunders.

I like you, Jeff.

- Does my pipe worry you?.
- Well, no. I like the smell of good tobacco.

Oh! (Coughs)

Perhaps you'd hold that skein for me,
would you?.

- yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.

There we are.

By the way,
who's that young fisherman down there?.

He's no fisherman. He's a gentleman.

What?.

And very rich, they say.

Oh, well, that's splendid. Is he married?.

No. I reckon he's too wise.

I don't know what you mean by that.

He'd rather make several ladies happy
than one miserable.

Oh, yes, I see.
I suppose that's rather level-headed.

(Chuckles) I'm glad you like my tobacco.

I don't like it all that much.

It's not a brand I'd choose to smoke myself.

(Coughs)

you feel wonderful.

you're different, somehow.

Different?.

From the last time we met.

Oh, yes.

Do we know one another very well?.

Hardly very well.

Don't you think it's about time
we got to know one another better?.

yes.

Another little titbit, Rupert, my love?.

Morning, miss.

Morning.

Thank you.

There. How are your legs this morning?.

I can't feel them at all.

Morning, Nurse. Lovely morning.

yes, indeed.

- My boys are glad to be alive.
- your breakfast is in the dining room.

Thank you, Mrs Forster.
I'll be out in a minute or two.

Sausages and coffee.

Salt water and shrimps.

Lovely!

Thank you, Nurse.

Two lunches.
Two dinners. Two brekkers.

Very bad for my figure.

(Telephone rings)

yes?.

yes?. All right, I'll hold on.

Operator, this is ridiculous.

I've been waiting 17 minutes
for a call to Cornwall...

Good.

(Garbled voice from phone)

Oh, all right. Keep your wool on.

yes?.

Hello. Is that Smuggler's Rest?.

Mr Baker here.

Must be Miss Caroline's fiance from London.

That'll be Ronald. I'll take it.

Hello, Ronnie.

"Ronnie"?. Now, Caroline,
you know how I detest abbreviations.

Now, time is money, you know.
How are your legs?.

Fine.

What?. Well, I still think a nurse
was quite unnecessary.

Oh, I see.

I really rang up
to give you some good news.

I am coming down to Cornwall for a day or two.

Oh, you are! When are you arriving?.

9.49 this evening.

This evening?.

I just can't wait.

This evening you're dining at the Hall,
with the Moustache.

That's why I can't wait.

(Hums to herself)

If you're not back before Ronald arrives,
what shall I say?.

- Tell him I'm dining out.
- yes, yes, of course.

Ooh! Look here!

If they should ask you about your accident,

don't forget to tell them
you fell between parallel bars.

That's right - bars.

I can't think what you are going to do
about the food.

- Get rid of it.
- But where, dear, where?.

- In my sponge bag.
- Oh! yes, of course.

(Doorbell)

- That'll be the Moustache.
- yes, yes, yes.

- Good evening, Colonel.
- Good evening.

She's all ready for you.

Hello.

Well! Well, well, well, well, well.

you look very cool and calm.

And waiting to be collected.

Up you come.

you smell delicious.

- Bye, Nurse.
- Bye, love. Take this with you.

- Thank you.
- Look after her, Colonel.

The dear naughty thing!

It was sweet of you to fetch me yourself.

We can't have every Tom, Dick and Harry
manhandling you, can we?.

Well, not all at the same time.

- I say, Miss Trewella.
- Call me M...

Caroline.

Caroline.

When you say Caroline,
your moustache gives a lovely twitch.

Twitch it again.

Caroline.

Nurse Carey says it'll tickle. Will it?.

Goodbye! Have a fine frolic!

(Car drives off)

Miss Berengaria!

Miss Berengaria!
Are you anywhere about?.

(yawns) Hello, nursey.

Oh, there you are.

I was having a snooze.

What?. Under the water?.

- My gills still work.
- Of course, of course.

I brought my sewing down.
I thought you might be lonely.

- What are you making?.
- I'm embroidering a boudoir cap and a nightie.

- Whoever for?.
- For myself.

- Oh, show me.
- All right. I'll try them on.

I must do it properly.

It took me simply months to embroider this.
I must have the bows.

(Chuckles)

Is it funny?.

Now, how's that?.

I want it.

Naughty!

No, no. Mustn't touch.

If I had legs, I'd wear pyjamas.

Oh, yes.
Well, I do... on alternate weeks.

May I have some more?.

I'm terribly thirsty.

Delicious.

Do you find that champagne rather dry?.

No, it's lovely and wet, thank you.

(Chuckles)

Barclay was saying you don't look
in the least like a schoolmistress.

Oh?. Why?.

Rather too charming.

Thank you.

What er... subjects do you take?.

- Games.
- Fun and games?.

There's plenty of fun out of school.

It's certainly fun having you so near us.

Barclay simply pines for female company.

He's so easily attracted.

I suppose he must be.

But his enthusiasm... never lasts for long.

How trying for you.

But never mind.
We always say where I come from,

"There are as many good men on dry land
as ever fell in the sea. "

Mm. I dare say there's
a great deal of truth in that.

- I suppose you swim well.
- Like a fish. Why?.

Barbara's very good in the sea.

I'm not particularly good in the sea.

(Clangs)

How very extraordinary.

- Most extraordinary.
- Oh! Will you have some more chicken?.

No, thank you.
I haven't quite got my appetite back yet.

Most unfortunate about your accident.

It has its compensations.

How did it happeng?.

I was going from one bar to another,
and I fell down.

I see you're engaged.

yes, but I don't mind breaking it off.

Oh, really?. Why?.

I find my fiance rather repulsive.

(Soft piano music)

Brandy, madam?.

Oh, thank you. I'll help myself.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Delicious.

That Miss Trewella.

- What?.
- Drinks like a fish.

Really?.

Half a pint of Napoleon brandy
gone in one gulp.

She must have a strong head.

- It's as well she has a full stomach.
- But she hasn't. Look!

# I can't resist...

# Men

# Can't do without them

# Weak ones or strong, right men or wrong

# I don't mind

# Here in my arms, they all have charms

# I'm so fond of men

# Can't resist men

# I love them all, then...

# Easy to date, that's been my fate

# From the age of...

# Ten

# I can't resist...

# Men

Enchanting.

That was quite charming.

yes, wasn't it?.

- Where were you trained?.
- The Canary Islands.

I studied singing once.
But I got so lazy about my scales.

Oh, really?. I've never had
any trouble with my scales.

Why don't you ask her
to sing at your concert next week?.

What concert?.

A charity affair I'm organising
over at the theatre in Pennregis.

In the theatre! Oh, I'd love to.

I'm afraid we've got rather a full programme.
Some other time, perhaps.

- Shall I sing to you?.
- No, thank you.

Has Miranda said anything
against my voice?.

No, no, no. She said you
played a conch shell very nicely.

- I sing much better.
- Do you?.

My high notes are so high
that only a dogfish can hear them.

Wouldn't it be a pity to waste them on me?.

Of course, Miranda has never really forgiven
me

for scaring away a very handsome lifeguard.

Oh?. How did you do that?.

By singing.

It was last year.
There I was sitting on the Needles.

Perhaps that was the trouble, dear.

(Doorbell)

Ten to one that's Miss Caroline's fiance.

And no-one to answer the door.

Now, be as quiet as a clam.

I'll be right down back here
as soon as I've settled him.

Bye-bye.

What a hullabaloo!
Patience! Patience!

Oh. Mr Baker?.

yes.

Do come in.

I'm afraid Miss Trewella is out.

But she's expecting me.
Will she be long?.

Well, I really don't know.
She's dining at the Hall.

She can walk again, I see.

No, no, no.
The young gentleman carried her.

I don't care for that at all.

She seemed to enjoy it.

Goodbye, Barbara.
Thank you for a lovely evening.

- your playing was perfect.
- Oh, thank you.

I do so like a musical background.

Excuse me, madam,
I think you left this in the dining room.

Ah! My toothbrush.

I never go anywhere without it.

It's a habit that I picked up from my
great-grandfather, Old Matthew Trewella.

He always used to say,
"Where I dines, I sleeps. "

He was a very determined man.

Goodbye, Barbara.

Goodbye.

- Simes?.
- yes, madam?.

- Was that a sponge bag?.
- yes, madam.

- What was in it?.
- Miss Trewella's dinner, madam.

- Her dinner?.!
- yes, madam.

Very tiresome customer.

I'll settle him, all right.

Miss Berengaria! Miss Berengaria!

Oooh!

- Take it off at once!
- Try and get it, you old trout!

My nightie! My nightie! My...

you naughty girl!

It's naughty of you, doing that!

I'll catch you!

I'll catch you!

I'll catch you!

# I can't resist men

# Bo-bo-bo-bo

# Can't do without them

# Bo-bo bobo-bo

Barclay, it's been wonderful.

Has it, Carolineg?.

Now, where will you kiss me?.

It doesn't tickle at all.

(Chuckles)

Caroline, your breath is like ozone.

What's ozone?.

A condensed form of oxygen
emitting a pungent odour.

Ah, Barclay!

This is my fiance, Ronald.

- How do you do?.
- Not at all well, thank you.

I didn't know you were in Cornwall.

So it seems.

- Well, I expect you'd like to take over.
- yes.

- Right?.
- Right.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Sweet dreams.

And what do you mean
by allowing that man to kiss you?.

He's a very beautiful man, and I liked it.

I don't think there's
nearly enough kissing goes on.

Don't you want to kiss me?.

Well, I... I can't kiss you just like that.

Have you got another way?.

What's come over you?.
you've never been like this before.

We did waste time, didn't we?.

you know, you could be quite attractive.

Let's take your glasses off.

Perhaps not.

But you always seemed so sensible
and level-headed, and...

Dull.

I don't want a wife who sparkles.
Just look at that dress.

It's lovely, isn't it?.

It's far too revealing.
I'd be ashamed to wear it.

I doubt if it would suit you.

And all those pearls.

If you go on spending at this rate,
you'll be on the rocks in a fortnight.

I know.

Well, she's either a roaring drunk
or a raving lunatic.

- She's just full of spirits.
- Overflowing.

She tossed a neat half-pint of brandy
into the flowerpot.

I meant high spirits, Barbara.
I've done the same sort of thing myself.

- At the regimental dinner last...
- yes, dear. We know.

Did you put the regimental dinner
into a sponge bag?.

- Dinner?.
- Or put doubloons into the church collection?.

Well, I... I can't help feeling sorry for her.

Oh!

you haven't met her fiance. I have.

He wears glasses.
He comes from Beckenham.

I'm glad he's turned up.
It'll keep you out of trouble.

Everyone knows she hasn't a penny.

Old Miss Trewella left practically nothing
except the house.

- you don't think she's after my money, do you?.
- I don't see what else.

Well, I'm bound to tell you, Barbara,
there might be something else.

Oh?. What?.

My moustache.

Now, business.
I came down here to sell the house.

Not to see me.

Might as well be frank about it.
No time for slop.

Quite a nice little place,
but give me a modern maisonette any day.

It's been in my family for generations.

The sooner it isn't, the better.
What have you done about selling it?.

Nothing.

Tomorrow morning you and I
go to the house agent's together.

Tomorrow morning I am going fishing.

It must be wonderful
being a fisherman's wife.

you can have too much of a good thing.

I don't believe it.

This is a new line I've got.

Is it?. It's most effective.

Where do you live, Jeff?.

Over at Pennregis.

That's where Barbara Davenport's
giving her concert.

yes. What we suffer for charity.

I'd love to be in it.

I've got a bite!

It must be enormous!

Doesn't your fiance
mind you being out with me?.

He's furious.

- Aren't you in love with him?.
- No, I'm not.

- Then what about...
- He was forced onto me.

Oh, you poor darling.

Jeff, you're so understanding.

Oh! (Giggles)

Only an old gull.

- Excuse me.
- Good morning, sir. Lovely morning.

Where could I find a fisherman
named Jeff Saunders?.

Oh, he went out some time ago.

- That's his boat over there, look.
- Oh, yes.

I wonder if I might
look through your telescope.

I don't suppose
Mr Saunders would mind.

Oh!

(Laughs)

There. It's a very unusual recipe.
I hope it's to your liking.

That's lovely. Thank you.

- What on earth is it?.
- Mussel soup.

Oh. A very little for me.

Good.

But it's cold!

That's the way I like it.

And raw fish. I saw you this morning
in the boat, with that man.

We didn't fish for long.
He wanted to kiss me.

- And you let him.
- I had to encourage him slightly.

Whilst you were out,
I put the house in the hands of the agents.

The sooner I get you back to Beckenham,
the better.

Nothing would induce me
to leave the coast.

And what about my career?. In a hole like this?.

your career as what?.

Sanitary Officer, of course.

Sanitary Officer.

So you're one of those people

that think it's a good idea
to dump all sorts of horrid things into the sea.

What better place is there for refuse?.

I've always wanted to meet one of you.

yes. For once, I'm ashamed of you.

It may have been ill-mannered,
but it got rid of him.

- But the poor damp boy...
- He'll be dry by the time he gets to London.

- That's all very well, but...
- He should have brought another suit.

We haven't all got two of everything.

Think of my one lovely nightie,
floating out there all alone in the bay.

Hello.

Barclay?.

It's me.

Ronald's gone back to London.

I've broken off my engagement.

What?.

Capital. That's really quite something, isn't it.

Very encouraging all round.

Look, er... shall I canter over
to see you this afternoon?.

Oh, yes. Then I can ride with you.

I tell you what.

I'll gallop.

Here's the Colonel arriving.

This is where I go and feed my birds.

- Good evening, Colonel.
- Good evening.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I'm awfully sorry.
I'm afraid I got rather carried away last night.

Don't apologise. It was your turn to be carried.

- Has your fiance gone for good?.
- Yes.

And are you staying for good?.

I'm staying, Barclay.

I've er... I've bought you a present.

How sweet of you! What is it?.

Something rather personal.

They say a girl can't have too many.

That's right, Barclay. A girl can't.

I just thought that's what Caroline would like.

yes, Barclay. Caroline would.

(Hums to himself)

Ooooh!

Good afternoon, ma'am.

(Giggles)

you've swum a good way out, ma'am.

- you're not in trouble, I suppose.
- Oh, in trouble!

you naughty old man!

I didn't mean anything disrespectful, lady.

I'm no lady.

The currents are very strong around here.
Mind you're not carried out to sea.

Would you like me to sing to you?.

Sing to me?. No, thank you, ma'am.

I've got a voice like a siren.

I reckon you might have, at that.

No, ma'am.
That'd upset the mackerel, that would.

After all, there's a time and place for all things.

What's that you're doing?.

If that's the way you're feeling,
you'd better come aboard.

Argh!

I've always wanted to ride a horse.

Can't we go any faster?.

Faster?. you're an invalid, remember.

(Horse whinnies)

Hold on!

Barclay.

Darling Barclay.

I shall hate to leave Cornwall.

Must you?.

My lovely house is up for sale already.

Oh, Caroline.

Never mind.
I've got such sweet memories.

Caroline, stay.

How can I?.

As my wife.

Could I keep my house?.

Why, yes, of course.

Lovely.

May I think it over?.

Don't keep me in suspense.

Ask me again, Saturday week.

I feel in stamping good form. Do you?.

yes. Stamping.

Good. Now, with any luck,
we should reach Cheddar tomorrow,

and Glastonbury the next day.

Good.

(Telephone rings)

- Baker here.
- Hello. Ronald?.

If you have rung to apologise,
you're wasting your time.

Apologise for what?.

You know perfectly well.

But I don't know what you mean.

your deportment
whilst I was down in Cornwall.

Down in Cornwallg?.

Making love to strange men
right under my nose.

Throwing a tureen of soup over me.

I smell revolting and my suit is ruined.

Well, I must say, it does sound rather awful.

I don't know what I could have been thinking of.
Are you very scalded?.

you know perfectly well
the concoction was freezing cold.

Oh, it was! Oh, yes, of course it was.

And... I request the return of my diamond.
Immediately.

Certainly. By registered post.

Finished already?.

yes, completely.

Has Miss Berengaria
always pinched things, dear?.

- yes, and she's getting worse.
- Really?.

Kleptomania caused by depression,
I should say.

- Have you nearly finished that, darling?.
- Nearly.

(Doorbell)

That'll be Mr Saunders.

There we are.
Put it away, and curl up your tail.

- Good evening, Nurse.
- Good evening, Mr Saunders.

For me?. How charming of you.
Thank you very much.

Go in, will you?. you'll find her all agog.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I've brought you a present.

- Not a pair of shoes.
- Shoes?.

No, a pair of lobsters.

Oh, thank you.

I've come to say
I shan't be going fishing tomorrow morning.

Why not?.

I'm going out with
the regular fishing fleet tonight.

They've been having a lean time.
I hoped I might change their luck.

If you cast your nets
near the Durdle Rocks...

.. you will change their luck.

But everyone knows
that's a rotten fishing ground.

Promise me you'll fish there tonight.

All right. But where do you get
your inside information?.

I'm Cornish.
Perhaps I've got second sight.

I wish I didn't feel that
I'd double-crossed those mackerel.

(Peal of bells)

- Terry Rundle.
- Hello, Miss Barbara.

- Why are the bells ringing?.
- Great news.

There's been a record catch
down by Durdle Rocks.

Never saw so many fish in my life.
And all thanks to that Miss Trewella.

She showed us where to cast the nets.
A proper fish diviner she's turned out to be!

Oh, really. That's very interesting.

I reckon the Trewellas
always had a way with fish.

Old Matthew Trewella had, anyway.

you don't really believe such things, do you?.

I don't know, but...

My old father used to tell me
of a very strange catch

in the cave under Smuggler's Rest.

Oh.

Did he?.

Oh!

Oooh!

Pink pilchards for pale people.

# Oh, Shenandoah

# I love your brother

# Away, you rolling river

# Oh, Shenandoah,
I love your daughter...

Someone stole her clothes
while she was swimming.

I wonder who that could have been.

Jeff, do you know
where she was swimming?.

Somewhere down here, I think.

What was the time?.

About an hour ago.

She didn't say anything about me, did she?.

No.

Except that she wanted
to ask you to sing at her concert.

Oh.

Will you be there?.

Not unless you promise to sing.

Darling Jeff.

I shall hate to leave Cornwall.

Then don't. Stay.

How can I?.

As my wife.

- Could I keep my house?.
- Why not?. We could live here.

How lovely.
Will you ask me again next Saturday?.

(Telephone rings)

I changed my mind
about asking Caroline to sing.

- That's very nice of you, Barbara.
- yes.

I think I'm going to enjoy launching her.

- you must admit, she's got something.
- Oh, yes.

Something no-one else has got.

Oh, Caroline?.

Erm, about my concert, over at Pennregis.

I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to sing,
after all.

I'd love to, if you really want me to.

I suppose there's no hope
of you being on your feet by then?.

None at all.

I thought not. Well, now... your song.

Suppose we have you perched on the pianog?.

We want everybody to see you.

Lovely.

Will the people
from the newspapers be there?.

Oh, yes. The press will be there.

I think I can promise you quite a splash.

I must have the most lovely dress.

yes, yes, yes.
Extra-long, since you have to sit on the piano.

And Bere must be there to hear me.

Berengaria, at the Pier Theatre?.

Underneath the pier.
you can hear very well.

- Can you?.
- yes, there's a soft, seaweedy slab.

- We go there very often.
- yes, yes, of course.

- What are you going to sing?.
- I don't know. Have you got any ideas?.

I always used to fall back on
the Mother's Song from The Merry Matador.

I don't know whether it's quite your style.
It's a song with action.

Do it for me.

Goodness me.

I'll have a try.

- I must have a mandolin.
- A mandolin.

Oh, yes, yes.

(Castanets)

# I'm Maria, the matador's mother

# Ole!
# Ole!

# Hey-hey!

# There's nobody keener
in all the arena

# To keep him out of the dirt

She really has a fish's tail?.

Oh, yes.
It's quite beautiful, rather like a whiting.

you're sure somebody
isn't playing a trick on you?.

Of course not. I've seen it myself.

Hm. Tail like a whiting, eh?.

I tell you what, I'll come down myself,
tomorrow night.

- Good.
- What time?.

About 730.
you'll bring a photographer?.

Of course.
What other personalities will be there?.

First of all, I'm getting onto Dr Fergus.

He's a member of the Zoological Society...

The mating cry of the chimpanzee
differs from that of the...

Er, no. No, alter that.

.. the love cry of the larger ape.

(Telephone rings)

yes?.

Trunk call for you, Doctor.

Hello.

Barbara Davenport! How are you, my dear?.

A discovery?. How interesting.

A what, did you say?.

A what?.!

Are you sure it's not a seal?.

Catch her!
We must catch her at all costs!

On land?.

Masquerading as a woman?.

yes, of course I'll come down. Sure.

Beautiful face?. Never mind the face.

What about her piscatorial extremity?.

you've got a namesake down in Pendower.

Oh, really?.

yes, another Caroline Trewella.

- What's she been doing?.
- Well, she hasn't done it yet.

What do you mean?.

It says.. "Miss Caroline Trewella, Pendower,

will make her debut as a singer
at the Pennregis Pier Theatre tonight. "

Miss Barbara Davenport, the organiser, says..

"Miss Trewella is to be my surprise item. "

Surprise item?.

(Orchestra tunes up)

- Good luck tonight, Barbara.
- Thank you.

I think we'd better have this down.

That's fine. Thank you very much.

Oh, Signor Mantalini...

Miss Davenport,
who is this Caroline Trewella?.

- She comes from Pendower.
- An amateur?.

- A very exceptional one.
- I am exclusive!

I do not share a cage
with a Cornish nightingale.

Cantare una canzone...

A great prima donna! Mantalini has been used
as bait - a sprat to catch a mackerel! Hm!

There you are, my love.
Ready for the great moment.

Thank you.

One last little finishing touch.

Which flowers will you wear?.

Roses from the Moustache?.

Or Mr Jeff's orchids?.

Mr Jeff...

I'd be tempted, if they didn't clash.

you don't think she'll get away?.

Impossible.
There are policemen all around the pier.

And seal trainers are on guard
outside her dressing room.

And used to dealing with slippery customers.

Their mobile tank is ready to transport her
to London.

(Seal barks and splashes)

Come in.

Hello.

Hello.

- you look beautiful.
- Doesn't she?.

She's going to be a sensation.

Are Marco and Zampa's
performing seals in your show?.

- Performing seals?.
- What do you mean?.

They're in a tank at the stage door.

If I'm not mistaken,
Marco and Zampa are in the corridor now.

Nonsense. They're not in my show.

I thought they were,
particularly when I saw old Fergus.

- Er, I think...
- Who is old Fergus?.

A professor of the Zoological Society.

Mad about aquatic mammals.

Jeff, you must go out front.
I don't want you to miss this.

- Can't I carry her?.
- No, Barclay will do that.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Good luck, dearest... Caroline.

She knows! She knows what I am.

- I'm in a trap!
- No, never.

- Let me have a look-see.
- Hurry! Hurry!

- We're imprisoned.
- Try the corridor.

What am I going to do?.

They shan't get you! They shan't!

Caroline!

(Applause)

# Sing hey
# Sing ho

# Sing hey,
# Sing ho

# Sing hey, sing ho,
sing nonny-nonny-no

# Our summer is a-coming

# Sing hey, sing ho,
sing nonny-nonny-no

# With joy my heart is humming

# Come and ring the bells with me

# Ding-dong, ding-dong
what a pretty sing-song

# Dance around the maypole tree

# Fa-la-la-la la la laa

# Sing hey, sing ho,
sing nonny-nonny-no

# Good weather is expected

# Sing hey, sing ho,
sing nonny-nonny-no

# To loving we're directed

# My love is a farmer true

# Is a farmer true
Is a farmer true

# My love fishes all day through

# Fishes all day through
Fishes all day through

# My love is so young and handsome

# He could hold me up to ransom

# Until we are wedded,
we are wed as we can be

# Sing hey!
# Sing ho!

# Sing hey!
# Sing ho!

# Sing hey, sing ho,
sing nonny-nonny-no

# Our summer is a-coming

# Sing hey, sing ho,
sing nonny-nonny-no...

Oooh!

# Sing, cuckoo! Sing, cuckoo!

# Fa-la-la-la la! Sing, cuckoo!

# Sing, cuckoo! Sing, cuckoo

# Fa-la-la-la-la la, cuckoo

(Morris bells jingle)

(Fiddle and accordion strike up)

(Heavy thudding)

Oooh!

- Good evening, Colonel.
- Good evening.

- Colonel Barclay Sutton.
- Good evening.

Hello, Barclay.
How very nice to see you again.

I've come to whisk you off your feet.

Whatever for?.

Nervous?.

yes, a little.

I've never been on a public stage before.

you'll be all right.
The audience will adore you.

This way, Colonel.

(Chuckles)

(Applause)

(Gentle music)

Now, love.

Hope it all works out.

See you one day soon.

(Seal barks)

(Splashing)

Hello, Bonzo! Hello, Trixie.

There you are.

- Bye-bye.
SEAL: Bye-bye!

(Piano continues)

Hello.

Good luck.

Bere!

(Squeals)

- Oh, Miranda!
- I've had a terribly narrow squeak.

Bere, they found me out.

They'll be after you in speedboats!

They won't. Caroline's up there.
She's taken over.

- Can she sing?.
- Not a note.

(Laughs)

Signor Mantalini will now play for us

the celebrated cello solo entitled La Violette.

The Violin.

Signor Mantalini.

(Melancholy tune)

(Booming crash)

(Bottles clatter)

- Infernal machine.
(Feedback shrieks)

(Whispers)

Woo-hoo!

Where are you, love?.

Wonderful, Catch it.

you just sing into it like this.

# I'm Maria the matador's mother

They'll think you're singing up here.

All right?. I'll send it down.
Here it comes. Catch it!

Got itg?. Good!

Lovely!

Good luck!

(Discordant notes)

If only Caroline could fall in love with one of
the men, we'd keep the house in the family.

I do so hope it could be Jeff.

you should worry. you'll be back in our nice
semi-detached cave any day now.

you're so cold-blooded, Bere.

It's just that I know
which side my eels are jellied, that's all.

(Barks)

(Laughter)

(Roars of laughter)

(Applause)

(Angry bark)

Think she'll break out our way, Bill?.

Can't say. Never handled
one of these mermaid jobs before.

What's that?.

A blinkin' seal. I saw his whiskers.

Good evening, Sergeant.
Are you busy?. (Giggles)

Here, Bill. She's here. In a hat.

- What's that?.
- A mermaid! In a hat.

It was a seal, I told you.

(Bark)

Good evening, Inspector!
Coming for a stroll?.

Go away!

Go away!

She nicked my hel...

Leave me alone, miss! I'm a married man!

# Bo-bo-bom bom

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

I think policemen are wonderful.

Shh! I'm on next.

# I'm a girl with secret worries

# Not what I seem to be

# Got to change my life in a hurry

# Make up my mind, you see

# For I'm under the spell
of a soldier divine

# I want him for mine

# Wouldn't you?.

# yet, if truth were to tell

# I'm not single-minded

# Another man has blinded my view

# How can I be sure

# My feelings are quite pure

# When I can't choose between them?.

# How can I be wed

# When I'm so easily led?.

# Is it just my meekness?.

# Or can it be my weakness?.

# That I can't resist...

# Men

# Can't do without...

# Them

# Weak ones or strong,
right men or wrong

# I don't mind

# Here in my arms
they all have charms

# I'm so fond of men...

# Can't resist...

- # Men
- Oooh!

- Bere! No!
- (Giggles)

(Shrieks) # Rich men or strong,
right men or wrong

# I don't mind

# They can do what they like

(Echoes) # Rich men or strong,
I don't mind

# I'm mad about men...
Oooh!

She's a siren, all right.

# Easy to date, that's been my fate

# From the age of ten

# I can't resist...

(Shrieks) Let go of my tail!

Oooh! (Giggles)

(Murmuring)

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, I'm so sorry.

I must apologise for this awful upset.

But you have clear proof now of something
I have known for the past three days.

The extraordinary performance
that you have witnessed is due to the fact

that Miss Trewella is not a woman,
but a mermaid!

(Murmuring)
- Mermaid, show your tail!

(Audience gasps)

(Samba strikes up)

A regular red-hot mammal.

Barclay, what happened?.

I don't know.

The whole thing's extremely fishy to me.

I think you and I had better walk home.

What's the matter?.

Nothing. Why?.

For a moment, you seemed to be
like you were before your accident.

I'll never be like that again.