MacGruber (2010) - full transcript

In the Dzhugdzhur Mountains, Eastern Siberia, the criminal Dieter Von Cunth steals a Russian X5 nuclear warhead. Colonel James Faith travels to Rio Bamba, Ecuador, with the efficient Lieutenant Dixon Piper to summon the retired special operative MacGruber to retrieve the X5. MacGruber is considered deceased after the death of his beloved wife Casey by his archenemy Cunth in their wedding. MacGruber teams up with Piper and Vicki St. Elmo and they learn that the evil Cunth intends to use the warhead to destroy Washington D.C.

Zeke! Hurry the fuck up!

Almost there!


Open it.

Load it up.

Sorry, I don't
speak Russian.



Making life-saving inventions
out of household materials.


Getting in and out
of ultra-sticky situations.


The guy's a fucking genius.



He made a fucking movie.


Sir, I still don't
understand why we had...

to come all
the way out here.

Because, Lieutenant,
we need the best.

And this guy's that good?

Yeah. He's that good.

Then why isn't he on active duty?


he's been dead for 10 years.

Hello, Colonel.

Hello, MacGruber.


How did you find me?

You forget l taught you
everything you know.

Not everything, Colonel.

Hello, Jim.


This is Lieutenant Dixon Piper.
Lieutenant, this is...

The legendary MacGruber.

Former Navy SEAL,
Army Ranger and Green Beret.

Served six tours in Desert Storm,
four in Bosnia...

three each in Angola, Somalia,
Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.

Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts...

three Congressional
Medals of Honor...

seven Presidential
Medals of Bravery...

and starting tight end for
the University of Texas, El Paso.

That was a long time ago.

Listen, Mac...

Colonel, with all due respect...

whatever it is
you're here for...

the answer is no.

My life is here now. Everything
I care about is in these walls.

l'm a man of peace. This is
my home, these are my people.

Hey, hey! Shit!
He'll give it back.

Look, MacGruber.
Two days ago, a Russian convoy...

carrying the X-5 nuclear
warhead got jacked.

Yesterday, reliable sources informed
us it made its way to US soil.

That's not my problem anymore.

MacGruber, the X-5 is one of
the most powerful nuclear...

Yeah, I know
what the X-5 is.

Lieutenant, give us
a minute, will you?

Yes, sir.

Mac, you're our only hope.

Your country needs you.

I think l've given more than
enough to my country already.

Mac, if this is about Casey, she...

It's not about Casey. It's about
a promise I made to myself.

- Listen to me, Mac.
- No, you listen!

I'm out of the game.

Well, the game has changed.
But the players are the same.

MacGruber, it's Cunth.


We have reason to believe...

the X-5 is now in the possession
of Dieter Von Cunth.



This is your chance
to finally take him down.

Sorry, Jim. I can't do it.

If you change your mind...


Do you,
Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

take MacGruber to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, MacGruber,
take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

Fuck you.

to be your
lawfully wedded wife?



I'm in.


I'm in.

Thank God.

Your God can't help you,
Jim. But I can.

So what do we
know so far?

Very little, unfortunately.

We think Cunth smuggled
the X-5 into the US...

but we lost the trail before we
could pin any hard evidence on him.

I was actually talking
to the Colonel. Colonel?

Everything Piper
just said is correct.

Thank you, Colonel.

Well, then, if you'll excuse me...

it's time to go
pound some Cunth.

Mac. lt's not that easy.

Sure, to us, he's a black market
arms dealer. But to everyone else...

he's become a respected

and a major political donor.

He's untouchable.

Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.

I'll touch him
wherever l want.

Now, Mac, one thing
we have working in our favor...

is that Cunth needs passcodes
to make the X-5 operational.

It is imperative that Cunth
does not get those codes.

Oh, thanks.
Because before you said something...

I thought it'd be fine
if he got them.

Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, Mac.

This is a very tall order.

Word on the street is
Cunth's put together a team...

of the most ruthless criminals
this planet has to offer.

Zeke Pleshette. Constantine Bach.
The Culebra brothers.

It's a veritable dream team of killers.

Well, then, I'll just have to put
together my own dream team...

of killer-stoppers.

Regarding that, Mac...

Lieutenant Piper here
is one of the best men we have.

He'll be your
second-in-command on this thing.

I got a better idea.

No fucking way.

MacGruber, I know
I'm not what you expected.

Let me guess.

One year out of the academy,
zero combat experience...

little punk thinks
his shit don't stink.

Well, just to let you know...

your shit does stink.

It stinks like shit.

If you'll just give me a shot.

Give this a shot.

My fricking nose!

Now, if you'll excuse me...

it's time to round up a real team.


I got it, Rico.
I got it.

Same old Frank.
Always wants to go it alone.


Man, I thought you were dead.

Last time I saw you, you had
a grenade launcher in one hand...

and an M-16 in the other.

And you had just ripped a dude's
throat out with your bare hands.

Classic MacGruber.

So, looks like you're keeping
your bod pretty tight.

You're looking
pretty good yourself.

Well, every day's a workout...

when you gotta carry around a
20-pound python in your jeans.

You and your dick comments.

It's fun to say them.

It's fun to hear them.
That's why I say them.

And that's why I listen.

Wow, we had some
good times together, didn't we?

We had some great times.

We're about to
have some more.

Uh-oh! l know that look.

I need you, Frank.
It's serious.

I'm putting together a team.

Then I'm in.

Two is a wonderful number.

And three is a crowd,
that's true.

But four is the perfect
number for sure.

If it's two kids and me...

and you.

I love you.

That was beautiful, Vicki.

I thought you were dead.

So did I.
But I'm not.

I'm alive and I'm putting
together a team.

Good for you.

No, good for us.
And good for America.

And good for fans
of justice and truth.

Because you're on that team.

I can't.

Just give me one
good reason, Vick.

I do.

And do you, MacGruber,
take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

to be your lawfully wedded wife?


I lost my best
friend that day.

I did, too.

And now we have
a chance to get revenge.

It's Cunth.

I'm sorry, I've started over.
My life is my music now.

If you change your mind.

It was good to see you, Vicki.

Is everything on schedule?

Yes, sir. We should have
the passcodes by Tuesday.


Have you ever been to D.C?

No, sir, I haven't.

I was talking to the missile.

All right, you guys strapped in?

Yes! Tag 'em and bag 'em,


Just like old times!

Shit. l gotta go
deal with the brass.

Fuck the brass!
Let's go, man.

Hang tight.

Fuck the brass!

Fuck the brass!

Fuck the brass!

One second, Grubes.

Yes, Mr. President.

Yes, sir. Well, we got MacGruber
on this team right in front of us.

No, we're certain it's Cunth.

How's your nose, rookie?

It's fine. I just banged
it into a giant vagina.

So, my face is a vagina, huh?

Well, I bet you wish
your nose was a dick...

so you could use it to fuck butts.

I forget.
The last time I saw you...

did I remember to tell you
how ugly l think you are?

No, you didn't.
Well, I think you're really ugly.

I think you're looking in the mirror.
You want to go?

Any time, any place.

I'm starting to like this guy.

Just kidding. I still hate you.

Well, I hate you.
You want to go?

Hey, guys, guys. Guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys. Cool it.

So, MacGruber, we understand
you've recruited quite a team.

Quite a team? Yeah,
you could say that.

Frank Korver, Tanker Lutz, Tut Beemer,
Tug Phelps, Vernon Freedom, moi.

Yeah, I'd say
it's a pretty good team.

Look, Mac, are you sure
you won't change your mind...

about letting Piper here join you?

He'd make a hell of an asset.

Oh, I would love to,
but the van's pretty full.

You see, it's filled
with American heroes

with over a hundred years
of combined combat experience...

and a whole lot
of brotherhood.

And no, you can't ride
in the trunk, bud!

'Cause the trunk is filled with over
75 pounds of homemade C-4 explosive...

that l personally packed
in there with my own two...

Oh, fuck!

No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no!

Tut, Tug!
You guys okay?

Oh, somebody's
gotta be in there!

Oh! Oh!

Call 911! Call 911!

Oh, God!
Oh, God!

They were nice funerals.

Yeah. What did you
think of my eulogies?

Very touching.

I might have cut back
on the F-words a little.

Well, they were
fucking great guys.

And this is a fucking
asshole of a day.

I know.

It's just that their kids were there.

They laughed.

Because of your use
of heavy language.

Well, fuck 'em.

I should have been in that van.

But you weren't.

No, I wasn't.

And nobody's gonna regret
that more than Cunth.

MacGruber, about that.

Look, l'm taking you off the case.

I'm sorry, I must
have heard wrong.

'Cause I thought
I just heard you say...

''MacGruber, about that.

"Look, I'm taking you off the case."

That's exactly what I said.

Damn it, Jim.
You can't do that. Okay?

I'm the best chance you got.

You told me yourself
at the monastery.

But the game has changed!

But the players are the same!

Mac, I got no choice.

Look, you've been through
a very traumatic experience.

You're too close.

And without a team
behind you...

I just can't chance it.

I'm sorry, Grubes.

- Sir, I just...
- Piper.

Where's the Colonel?

You gotta help me. They want
to kick me off the mission.

Well, under
the circumstances...

- Fuck you, dickhead!
- All right.

Wait, wait, wait!
I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.

What do you want, MacGruber?

- Join my team.
- What?

Join my new team,
and tell the Colonel I can do this.

I can't do that.

Okay, don't make me beg here.

'Cause I will do it.

I am so sorry.

I'm so goddamn sorry.

Look, I'm freaking out here.

I killed them.
I killed them all!

I'm so fucking stupid!

I don't know what I'm doing
and everybody hates me!

Look, I will suck your dick.

I will suck your fucking dick.

I will do it, just join my team.

I'll suck your dick.

You can fuck me
or get fucked by me.

You can watch me
fuck something.

Just point at something in
the room and I'll fuck it for you.

Come on, just tell me
what you want me to fuck!

Jesus Christ, MacGruber.

Just tell me
what you want me to fuck.

Okay, I don't have any lubricant.
Do you see any Wite-Out?

Or, like, copy toner
should work, or...

Put your pants back on.
What are you doing?

I don't know!

I don't know what l'm doing!
I'm so fucked here!

I am so fucked.

Come on, MacGruber.

It's not so bad.

Oh, it's not?

The man who killed my wife...

is in control of
a nuclear warhead...

and I can't do
a goddamn thing about it!

And it's not so bad?

Cunth killed your wife?

It was never proven
in a court of law...

but I saw it
with my own eyes.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

This mission was
my chance to do...

what I should have
done 10 years ago.

And I blew it.

MacGruber, we have
a chopper waiting to take you...

back to Ecuador.

Well, Colonel,
I'm sorry I let you down.


I'm in.


- I'm in. I'm on the team.
- Really?

Sorry, Lieutenant.
Two people don't make a team.

- But three do.
- Vicki?

I heard about
what happened.

I thought you could
use some help.

What about your music?

It can wait.

Dixon Piper, Vicki St. Elmo.


Well, Colonel, looks like
I got myself a new team.

Looks like you do, MacGruber.

Looks like you do.

What are we doing
here, MacGruber?

Well, it's simple, Vicki.

Cunth owns this place,

so if we wanna find out where
that passcode deal is going down...

we gotta turn over some stones.

Nice car, dickhead!

Fuck you!


So we're gonna see
if we can't make some contacts...

gather some intel?

Something like that.

Can I help you, bro?

Yeah, I'll have the X-5.

He doesn't know anything.
Come on.

Turn off the music.

Turn off the music!

Turn off the fucking music,
or I will kill this woman!

I'll do it. I'll kill her.
I will snap her neck.

Don't worry.
She's with me. She's safe.


But I can't say the same
about the rest of you!

Whoa! Son of a bitch!

I'm sure that some of you guys
are just here on vay-cay.

But most of you are
big pieces of shit...

who are somehow connected
to Dieter Von Cunth.

Now, this guy is up to something
incredibly illegal and astoundingly deadly.

I should say that for legal purposes.

But don't worry.

'Cause I am coming for him,
and I am going to kill him.

Who am I, you ask?

My name is MacGruber.

Remember that name!

Capital M-A-C-capital G

Anyone wants to come find me...

I will be at the Gold Street Cafe
tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.

Please spread the word,
ya frigging turds.

Whoo! Whoo!

That went great.
That was fucking tits.

MacGruber, what the hell was that?

It's called "sending a message."

And I think it will be
received loud and clear.

That's what I'm worried about.


Because he thought
you were dead.

That was a huge advantage.

Yeah, and now he's going
to be coming for us.

Exactly. It's all
part of the plan.

What is the plan?

I kind of make it up as I go.

That's not really a plan, then.

Okay, so it's not a plan.
Look, l'm not good with plans.

And l'm not good with clues.

What I am good with is
kicking ass and ripping throats.

So Cunth is gonna come after me?
Well, bring it on.

'Cause then he'll be
on my turf, playing my game.

And that's not a game
I plan on losing. Let's go.

K-F-B-R-3-9-2. K-F-B-R-3-9-2.

Wetter. More.

Sorry to disturb you, Dr. Cunth.


Sorry, sir.

What is it?

Some lunatic smashed up
the club last night.

He said he was
coming after you.

Oh, I'm terrified.

Said his name was MacGruber.


Well, well, well.

Alive after all these years.

MacGruber, MacGruber.

Bring him in.

I don't have him, sir.

You let him go?

They didn't feel
he posed any real threat.

They actually thought
he was mentally handicapped.

No real threat.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you remember the assassination
of President Jimmy Carter?

No, sir, but that never happened.

No, it didn't.

Do not underestimate this man.

He can be quite
a fly in the ointment.

So what would you like us to do?

Round up a couple
of flyswatters.

Yes, sir.

your toilet is disgusting.

It's pretty good, huh?

Can we talk about this, please?

Well, there's nothing to talk about.

Everybody knows
that rats like cheese.

And you, Vicki, are the cheese.

But you're the one
he wants to come after.

Why can't you be dressed like you?


You are.

I have to say, I have some serious
concerns about this operation.

If you think that I would
let that monster Cunth...

touch one hair on Vicki's head...

then you're sorely mistaken.

Thank you.

He'll get close to her,
possibly dangerously close.

And of course, in this line of business,
anything can happen.

But l know that Vicki
can take care of herself.

Are you sure
this is gonna work?

Don't worry.

When you turn around
at gunpoint...

and they see that it's not me...

they are gonna be so furious...

they're not gonna
know what to do.

And that's when we got them.



You just look really pretty.

Thank you?

Come on, Piper.
Come on, MacGruber.

All right, Vick.
If we're gonna draw this bastard out...

he's gotta think he's got eyes
on the real live MacGruber.


Okay, don't worry,
we got your back.

We're only seven blocks away,
so if anything goes down...

Seven blocks?

Okay, you got me.
About 20 blocks.

But if anything goes down,
we'll be right there.

Wasn't anything closer?

There were tons of spots closer.

Yeah, with meters.

Fine. Look, I don't think
I should be talking to you anymore...

because people are gonna be staring
at me and thinking that l'm talking to myself.

And I don't want
to attract attention.

And I'm at the counter...

so just gonna order now.

Can I help you?

Can I have a small latte?

No, no, no.

MacGruber would
never order that.

I'm all about
the large Tazo tea.

I'm sorry. Sorry.
Can l change that?

Can I get a large Tazo tea?

Sure. Anything else?



Can I get your name?

I'll let you take this one, Vick.

Um... MacGruber.

Good job.

It's gonna be $3.45.

Yes, it is.
That's what it is every time I get it.


No, Vicki, no tip. What are you doing?
Get that tip back.

I have to...

I'm sorry.

No, say you're not sorry.

I'm not...
I'm not sorry.

I mean, I'm sorry.
As me, I'm sorry.


Okay, now why don't you move
down to the end of the counter?

Further. Further...
Stop! Stop!


That's me.

Now, here is the most
important thing. Listen carefully.

With your left hand,
lift the cup up to your mouth.

Open your lips,
then tilt the cup back

until the liquid...

Down, down, down!

We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!

Hand me that Incredi-Mop!

I'm a little busy at the moment!

Hand me that lncredi-Mop,
and that is an order!


Oh, my God! No!

Oh, God! Oh, no!
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! You're alive?

Yeah, we're alive. We're coming
over there. Meet us out in the alley.


My teammates were getting shot.

They're alive.
They made it.

Thank you.

That was nice work
with that lncredi-Mop.

Yeah, it would be a good
commercial for their product.

I'm not so sure that it would be.

Hoss Bender. Dead at the age
of who-the-fuck-cares.




MacGruber, I was
so worried about you.

Well, I was really worried
about you, too, Vick.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, I only have,
like, two of these vests...

so if either of them
got shot up...

it would be a real bummer for me.

I mean, they're not expensive.

- But they're really hard to find.
- Yeah, I got it.

Hey, guys!
I found Hoss' car.

Oh, mama!

That's a whole lot of wampum.

He's got every strip club
in the city in his GPS.

Hoss Bender, what the hell
are you planning on doing...

with all this money?

I think it's fairly obvious.

He was going to use it
to buy the pass...

Buy the passcodes! Yup.

Got there at the same time...

maybe even slightly before you.

Yep, he's gonna use it
to buy the passcodes.

This is weird.

He has an appointment this afternoon,
and all it says is "STD."

Been there.

STD is also code for
the old Stansfield rail yard...

which is about
10 miles from here.

I'm just going to pop
that into this GPS.

Yeah, pop it in.

Well, what do you know?
It's already routed.

What do you say we go get
ourselves some passcodes?

Yeah, but if Hoss doesn't show up,
they'll abort the drop.

Who said Hoss isn't
gonna show up?

Okay, now,
before we do this, any questions?

Why do I have to be Hoss?

Because you're good
at what you do.

And why do I
have to be you?

First of all, you will never be me.
And second of all...

I forget your question.


So it looks like we're dealing
with three guards here.

Then it's three on three.

Okay, so once we take
out the guards...

Vicki will walk in
dressed as Hoss...

and then we'll just...

you know,
see what happens.

- You ready?
- Wait.

Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?

Piper, there's a big difference
between winging it...

and seeing what happens.

Now let's see
what happens.

- No, thanks.
- What?

MacGrubie don't play like Homey.

And Homey don't play like that.

I'm sorry, I don't understand
what you're saying.

I'm saying I don't use guns.

So it's true what
they say about you.

Guns are for the weak.
Guns are for the stupid.

No offense.

Let's see,
what do we got in here?

A piece of cloth,
a spool, a tennis ball...

What are you doing?

Making a little distraction.

What the hell is that?

What the fuck?



Now! Now! Now!


I gotta admit, that sort of worked.

Sort of worked?
I just killed three bad guys.

They're dead
because I shot them.

Because they were distracted.

Okay, now, piece of advice.

When you use the old celery trick...

you're gonna wanna go
with the thick end.

Seems counter-intuitive...

but if you go thin end first...

it just slides right out and you're...

You're wasting your time.

I'm never, ever gonna do that.

Never ever say, "Never ever."
Okay, follow me.

That's Constantine Bach
and Zeke Pleshette.

And if I'm not mistaken,
which I never am...

that briefcase-carrying pile of shit
has the passcodes.

All right, Vick, it's go time.

Do I really have to do this?

Nice one, Vick.
Start walking.

Okay, I'm walking.

Nothing bad has happened yet.

I'm still alive.

Look, you're gonna be fine.

This is just like Nicaragua.

I got shot in Nicaragua.

Don't worry,
this is nothing like Nicaragua.


Okay, I think I see you
through the window.

Now just walk on in here,
and, I don't know...

fingers crossed.

This is so exciting.

Okay, now head through
the entrance, slowly.

And don't worry.

Remember, they think
you're Hoss Bender...

so it's gonna take them
a little while to...

That's not Hoss!

Oh, my God!


What are you doing?

Making a homemade grenade!

Can I borrow your gun?
I need something to stir this with.

No! I'm using it!
Use your finger!

Watch your tone!

Oh, hold on!
Don't worry, I got this one.

Damn it, they got the passcodes!

Hey, guys?

Vicki! You all right?

I lost the money.

And I peed my jeans.


I peed them.


I washed it.

I didn't.

Looks like
this cell phone's all we got.

Then we better make
the most of it.

'Cause at this point,
this is our only connection to the X-5.

Holy shit! It's ringing!
Vicki, call tracer.

Call tracer.

Set to jet, MacGruber.

Now remember, MacGruber...

you gotta keep him on the line
long enough to get a location.

Don't worry.
I've done this before.

Listen to me, you piece of shit.
Hoss and Zeke are dead...

and if you don't tell me who this is...

He hung up.
Did you get it?

- No.
- Wow.

Damn it. ls that thing working?

Yeah. But you gotta keep them
on the phone for at least 20 seconds.

That was 20.
That was maybe three.

Shit! You're right.
Shit, shit, shit!

Second chance!
In your face!

Listen to me, you piece of shit.
Hoss and Zeke are...

That's my phone.
Talk to me.

MacGruber, it's Faith.

- Colonel!
- How's it going?

What's the mission status?

Positively banging,
Colonel. Right, guys?

Oh, they're jazzed.
How's everything at the P-Gon?

Well, we do have one lead.

You probably already
know about it.

Cunth's having a fundraising
event at his mansion tonight.

We do know about Cunth's party...

and we will be there with bells on.

Absolutely not, MacGruber.

Sir, I'm not gonna wear bells.

No, Mac.
You are not to enter that party.

Right now, Cunth has no idea
you're even alive...

and that is a huge
advantage to us.


This is surveillance only.

I want to know exactly
who comes through that door.

Is that clear?

Loud and.

So, Cunth is having a party?

Yeah, he is.

And guess who just
made the guest list.

Guess who just made the guest list.

- Us?
- Yes.

For the record,
I think this is a really stupid move.

Don't worry, l'm gonna
keep a real low profile.

- May I take your coat?
- No.

Your car stereo?

Nice try.

Okay, I think our definitions
of low profile...

might be a little different.

You think?
Where's Vicki?

She arrived
10 minutes ago. She's out back.

I'll find her in a sec.

First, I got a little business to attend to.

MacGruber, come in.

Jesus Christ.

Where have you been?

Sorry, I just took an upper
decker in the master bathroom.

Upper decker?

Yeah, it's where you take a dump
in the water tank and not in the bowl.

You look great.

Thank you.

Look, Vick...

I'm going to need you to poke around,
see what you can dig up.

I'm way ahead of you.

You see that guy over there?

I saw him coming out
of Cunth's office.

I think he's one of his goons.

Which guy?

That handsome guy.

That guy?
You think he's handsome?

Yeah, he's very handsome.

Really? Well, if you think
he's so handsome...

then why don't you marry him?

No, seriously.

If you think he's so handsome,
go marry him.

Leave the case.
Piper and I will do it. Okay?

Is he that handsome to you?

Are you willing to
quit your job for him?

- No.
- Good.

Now that's the guy
I want you to check out.

He's teeming with intel.


Follow that guy,
and that is an order.

And stay away from that guy...

who I actually would
describe as ugly.

And that is another order.

So, two orders.

Piper, you got a location on Cunth?

He appears to be
in the south wing.

On my way.

That guy.

I will see your 25,000
and raise you 50.

He's bluffing.

I can tell by the look
in his beady little eyes.

MacGruber. We've been expecting you.

Bet's to you, Senator Garver.

I'm all in.

The Senator's
all in for $750,000.


Straight flush.
Damn it!

My associate will assist you with
your debt, Senator. Good night.

- Sorry about that.
- Really.

I thought he was bluffing there, so...

Thank you, MacGruber.

You just made me a teeny-weeny
bit wealthier than I already am.

Well, I'm sure you'll find something
useful to do with it.

Your companion's
a very beautiful young woman.

Thank you.

Hope you enjoy being
date raped, ma'am.

This is my daughter.



He killed my wife.

Will you excuse us
for a minute, please?

Where's the X-5?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Where's the fucking warhead?

What would I want
with a nuclear warhead?

I never said it was nuclear.

That's right, because most
warheads are filled with air.

You know, I ran into Zeke Pleshette

and Hoss Bender the other day.

How were they?

A lot less dead
than they are now.

Oh, really.
That's too bad.

Yeah, it's too bad for you.
'Cause they were a part...

of your little dream team
of thugs, weren't they?

Oh, that's right.
You got me. Past tense. They were...

Yeah, it's really
quite a sad story, actually.

What do you mean?

I had assembled the greatest
dream team of thugs...

in the history of the world.

I had them all in one room...

and I also had some homemade C-4.

And wouldn't you know it, it exploded.

And I lost them all.

You're shitting me.
You're shitting me!

Well, we have
a lot in common

because l basically did
the same thing...

Oh, no, wait.
That didn't happen to me...

because l'm not a fucking retard
who blows up his own dudes.

Fuck you, Cunth.

And by the way,
I have a new team now.

Not only do I have
Vicki St. Elmo...

Maybe you've heard of her?

But I also have one of the greatest
young military minds around.

I mean, this guy's
the real deal.

And we're gonna stop you.

Well, you certainly have
a healthy imagination, MacGruber.

But I don't know anything about
a warhead, nuclear or otherwise.

You're lying.
And you're a piece of shit.

We're all done here.

Would you show
Mr. MacGruber the door?

Let me tell you how
this is gonna go down.

First l'm gonna
kick you in the chin...

breaking your jaw in four places.

I'm gonna take you and
karate flip you over my back...

and then knee your nose
into your brain, killing you instantly.

I do wanna get throat rip in here.

I think that's gonna be you, small fry.

One thing I do know,
at the end of the day, Cunth...

I'm gonna rip your dick off
and shove it in your mouth.

And that is
non-negotiable. Who's first?


My fucking back.

You did not just do that.
That is a Blaupunkt!

You owe me
a Blaupunkt!

Where's Vicki?

I'm not sure I can do this.

Vicki, where are you?

Don't do it for yourself.
Do it for your family.


My family?

Good night, Senator.

Vicki, l just got
thrown out of the party.

- I got thrown through a window.
- Shh.

Threw my Blaupunkt out, too.

And it's broken, and I'm really
fucking bummed about it.

MacGruber, I'm watching Senator Garver
talk to Constantine Bach.

Oh, well, I'm glad
that you're having so much fun

checking out all the cute guys
at the party, Vicki...

but there's a nuclear
threat going on...

and we could use
all the help we can get.

So can you please
get out here?


First of all, great party.

Let's get that out of the way.

I loved the music,
I loved the dancing...

the sushi, excellent.

I particularly enjoyed
being humiliated...

by MacGruber in front
of my daughter and all my guests.

By the way, does anyone
know how he got in?

He walked in
the front door, sir.

He walked in the front door.

I imagined there'd be a more
complicated explanation than that.

Sorry, sir.

Jeff, there's no need
to apologize.

I appreciate your honesty.

Would you move a bit
to your left, please?



Anyone else feel like being honest?

Great, hang that in the foyer
and go kill MacGruber.

Damn it, MacGruber!

I specifically told you
not to go in there.

I got him exactly
where I want him.

Do you? 'Cause l think
it's the other way around.

Agree to disagree, Jim.

Look, I'm really sorry, okay?

''Sorry'' is not going to keep us
safe from this goddamn warhead!

Mac, you've turned into a liability.

And l have no choice
but to take you off this mission.

And this time, it's for real.

But he has the passcodes now!

Because you couldn't stop him.

Jim, you can't do this.

Oh, l can and I just did.

I will suck your fucking dick.

I will let you fuck me.

I'm sorry, Mac.

It's over.

I can't stop thinking about that
envelope that Senator Garver got.

I bet there was some
kind of a clue in there.

It's cute that you're still
thinking about that, Vicki.

But, trust me,
there's nothing to Garver.

I have a feeling in my gut.

Yeah. Sorry.

No, you have nothing
to be sorry about.

Both of you guys
have just done a great job.

If there's anyone
to blame here, it's me.

If it's any consolation...

being with you the last few days...

I've learned a lot.

All of it was what not to do...

but that's an important part
of the learning process.

I'm gonna go use the ladies' room.

Number one
or number two?

Number none-of-your-business.

That means number two.

Shut up!

So when are you
gonna make your move?

What are you talking about?

Come on, man.
You can see it from a mile away.

Shut your butt!

No, seriously.
You two are perfect for each other.

I mean, look, don't get me wrong.
She's a good woman.

Loyal, great at what she does...

good-looking, rocking bod...

smooth dresser, talented lyricist.

But l can very confidently tell you...

that Vicki and I will never
ever be like that.

Never ever say, "Never ever."

No, this time I can.

After Casey, I made
a promise to myself...

that I would never be
with another woman.

Must have been really hard.

Why did he do it?
Why did Cunth kill your wife?

To this day, I have no idea.

We actually all went
to college together.

Believe it or not,
we were very close friends.

Then after graduation,
he got engaged to her.

He asked me to be his best man...

and right about that time...

I started banging her
and mowing her box.

She was actually the first person...

I felt comfortable enough around...

to let eat out my butt.

Anyway, shortly thereafter...

she left him for me.

She was actually carrying
his child at the time.

I asked her to terminate it,

so we could start fresh.

And she agreed.

We were so in love.

And he took that from me.

That's really fucked up.


You know, you're a good guy.

And I need to apologize
for something.

- No, you don't.
- No, I do.

I treated you so badly.

I guess l just felt threatened by you,
believe it or not.

And I'm not used
to feeling that way.

I mean...

I'm fucking MacGruber.

Water under the bridge.

You know it.

You know it!

Another beer, Grubes?

Let's see,
we got Molsons...



We got company.

Piper! No!

Vicki! Get
behind him!

Get in, get in, get in!
I'm trying to get in!

Stay low!
Stay low!

Oh, my God, is he dead?

Yes! Yes, he's dead!

Oh, fuck!
Holy shit!

Oh, my God.
I thought we were goners.

How did you know
I was wearing a bulletproof vest?

You're wearing a bulletproof vest?

What, you didn't know?

No, of course I knew.

I knew the whole time, yeah.

Pull over and let me out.

No. Why?

Because you just used me
as a human shield!

- I did not! No, I didn't!
- Yes, you did!

Vicki, did I just use him
as a human shield?

Yeah, you kind of did.

Okay, you're blowing this
out of proportion...

and thanks.

Pull over.

- Pull over!
- Fine.

Did you just kick my car?
Oh, no, you don't.

No, you don't!
Real mature!

You suck, MacGruber!

Bye, Piper!
Get home safe!

Are you okay?


My God, what happened
to your leg?

It's nothing.
MacGruber, you've been shot!

I wish it was through the head.

Don't say that.

Come inside.
Let me get that bullet out of you.

This is gonna sting a little.

I'm going to remove the bullet now.

Do you want to
bite down on this?

I deserve pain.

I don't know
what happened back there.

I just freaked out.

Everybody makes mistakes.


Not me.

He didn't die.
But he could have.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Or maybe the Colonel was right.

Maybe l've lost it.

Why do you stick around?

Because I believe
in what you're doing.

You do?


You're an amazing man.

You're gorgeous,
you have a perfect body.

A great sense of style.

You're smart and brave.


Casey was a very lucky woman
to have a guy like you.

Well, you're a very
special woman, too.

Tell me, why didn't you
ever settle down?

I've only ever loved one man.

He's taken.


He's married?

He was.

But she's still in his heart,
God rest her soul.

I just hope he doesn't
blame himself...

for her getting blown up
at their wedding.

Maybe one day...

you'll get the courage
to tell him how you feel.


I got it.



I always get an erection...

when a beautiful woman
uses a pair of pliers near my balls.


Thank you.

I better get you sewn up.


Leave it open.

I like holes.

I'm a virgin.

Not for long.

My God, l'm gonna
frigging explode inside you.

I'm going to spill it.

I'm going to fill you up.

I'm going to fill you up.

I'm going to fill you up!

Okay. Just let me do the talking.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

You were amazing.

I have to go.

What's wrong?

I have to go.





I'm so sorry, Casey.

I just made love
to another woman.

I can't help but feel
that l've betrayed you.

It's okay, MacGruber.


It's okay.

Be with Vicki.

But I can't do that to you.

You have to move on
with your life.

I don't know what to say.

Then don't say anything.


Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow!

I'm going to shoot.

I'm going to fucking shoot.

I'm gonna shoot, too.

Let's shoot together.


I shot.

I did, too.

Now go, MacGruber.

Go tell Vicki how
you feel about her.

I will.

Oh, and Casey?


What are the chances?

Go for Grubes.

Oh, sweet.

Look, I just wanted
to apologize

for how things went
down the other day...

and give you the good news.

Good news?

I'm all ears.

We just received intel

that Russian special forces
have recovered the X-5.

That's great!

I want to be there when
you take Cunth down.

MacGruber, listen.
We were wrong about Cunth.

He's not involved.

It was Chechen rebels.

Jim, you're wrong about being wrong.
This is textbook Cunth.

I'm telling you, Mac, he's clean.

Yeah, as clean as a pig dick.

Look, Jim, this has gotta
be some kind of distraction...

so he can use the X-5.

And my gut tells me
he's gonna use it soon.

I don't know what he's gonna do...

Oh, my God.

Jim! Jim! Cunth is gonna nuke
the State of the Union!

MacGruber, this intel
comes from a very reliable source.

Now, do me a favor.
Take some time off.

Just go to a beach somewhere...

kick off your boots
and drink a few Molsons.

I have a better idea.

I'm gonna go save the world.

Hey, what the fuck?

Fuck you, asshole!

That's my car!

Senator, tell me again
where you got this intel.

I'm sorry, Jim.
I had no choice.


I'm so sorry, Vicki.

What the hell?



"Songs for My Gruber."

Oh, Vicki.

Vicki. Where are you?

Hello, MacGruber.

Cunth. What did you
do with Vicki?

Oh, I haven't seen her.

I somehow stumbled
on her cell phone.

Listen to me, Cunth.

I know what you're planning,
you frigging turd.

Look, if you care at all
about Vicki's cell phone...

you'll stay away.

If you don't, I'll smash it...

into a million, trillion little pieces.

Do you understand me?

I understand.
Or at least I think I do.

Vicki's cell phone is Vicki, right?

Goodbye, MacGruber.

Dieter, wait!

Look, uh...

I just wanted to say that
it's been really good...

to mix it up with you.

And, you know...

I think that you would
admit that we make...

pretty damn good adversaries.

And, you know...

thanks for being there, dude.

Wow. I didn't expect that.
Thanks, MacGruber.

Cunth, one more thing.

Uh... Let's see, how do I put this?


Oh, yeah.
I cannot wait to cut off your dick

and shove it in your mouth!

Goodbye, MacGruber.

Time to go pound some Cunth.


Thanks for doing this, Pi.

And, look...

sorry about last night.

It was a real rookie maneuver.

Let's get something straight.

I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing it for all the innocent
people out there...

whose lives are at stake.

Well, my life is just as at stake.

So in a way,
you are doing it for me.

And I thank you
for that.

You know what?
Just stop.

That's all you do, is talk.

You talk and you
fuck things up.

And I rip throats.

I seriously doubt it.

Oh, you do?
Well, then, I guess you'll see.

Will I?
Yeah, you will. And so will they.

Sorry to bother you, sir,
but... Colonel?


MacGruber was right.

Looks like 11, 12 that l can see.

But there will be more inside.

Well, I hope they got a ditch
dug out back for all the bodies.

Otherwise things are going to
get real smelly here later on.

That's a pretty gross
way to look at it.

Well, I'm a realist.

I don't know how many people
you're planning on killing...

but I am definitely going to
kill that guy with the pony...

Shh! Shh.

No, just let him pass.

We don't want to attract
any more attention.



Jesus Christ.

Pretty cool, right?
Bet you weren't expecting that.

Yeah, that was really disgusting.

Well, get used to it,
'cause that's my main move.

Besides, he would've done the exact
same thing to me if he had the chance.

No, he wouldn't have.
He would've shot you, not...

Down, now.

All right, that was too close.

We need a new point of entry.

Let's move!

Vicki, Vicki, Vicki.

Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride.

What was that?
Didn't quite catch that.

Stick it where the sun
don't shine, Dieter.

Oh, yeah?
Where might that be?

Your butt?

Up your butthole?

Let's just put this back in, shall we?

Now, I know
MacGruber's after you.

And I can't wait.
You know why?

'Cause I'm going to
watch him watch me

kill you right in front of him, and then...

I'm going to watch me kill him...

in front of a mirror.

And then, l'm going
to watch some TV.

I hope there's something good on.

This will be one of the most anticipated
State of the Unions in history.

I'm told the President is
about to enter the chamber.

Oh, good.
I love disaster movies.

Here he is,
ladies and gentlemen,

the President of
the United States.

And then I told her,
''Not for long,'' and then we rammed.

You what?
Yeah, I humped her.

I don't want to use the F-word...

'cause I don't want to diminish
its beauty in any way.

But it was fucking great.

And I've never felt that way
about a bone session before.

Yeah, sounds really special.

This looks like the main duct.

We should be right underneath
the control room.

Oh, yeah.
You ready?

Time to go pound some Cunth.


- What?
- Nothing.

No, what?

It's just I've noticed
you say that line all the time.

It's a good line.

Is it?

Yeah. I know good lines.
I'm really good with them.

I work them up, and I even have
a line for after I defeat Cunth.

Great. Can't wait to hear it.
Practiced it in a mirror. It is ready to go.

Yeah, you'll hear it.
You'll know.

I'll look at you and...
Yeah, you'll know.

Should we get going?


Oh, I can go...

You go. You go.

Miller, do you copy?

Miller, are you there?

God damn it, Miller.

Throat lozenges?

You're going to want
to take the whole box.

Got another throat rip in.


Might go for the turkey.

The turkey?

Yeah, it's a bowling term for
when you get three strikes in a row.

And I applied that
to throat rips.

That's sick.


But if ripping throats
gets that warhead back...

I'll suck as many dicks as it...

Rip as many throats as I have to.

- Did you hear that?
- No.

Okay, good.

Check this out.

Hey, Cunth.

Guess who's in your
stupid compound.

It's me, MacGruber!

And I am with my brother
from another mother...

Lieutenant Dixon Piper.

What are you...
Let me do this. What are you...

Let me do this!

Just lick it up.
Back on the air, fuckface!

Kill him.

Now, look. Even though
there are only two of us here in this,

call it a control room,
we are going to destroy you.

Control room! Now!

So anyways, come on over
to the control room.

We'll be waiting,
and we have a little surprise for you.

Pretty good idea, huh?

Which one,
the desecration of the corpse...

or the water ambush?

You know, you make
fun of this stuff, but trust me...

that is going
to buy us some serious time.

They're in the machine room!

Machine room! Go!

Okay, I rounded up this wrench...

and I already have this bottle cap.

But be on the lookout
for one large brown egg.

Shut the fuck up, MacGruber!

I am trying to help here!

There are too many guys.
I need you to take two of these guns.

I told you, I do not use guns.

Well, you better start...

because sticking a piece of
fucking celery up your ass...

ain't gonna hack it this time.

I'm not going to use a gun!


I don't know how. Okay?

I don't fucking believe it.

They scare me.

Do you want to save Vicki?

Okay, okay.
So what do l do?

You point it and you shoot it.

Okay, okay.
Okay, here goes.

Oh! I got a barrel!

Aim for a person!
Oh! Good call, good call. Okay.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
I got that guy! Did you see that?

I think I actually got him,
but you're doing a great job.

Thank you.
I'm going to take those two guys out.

No, no, no!
I want to do it! I want to do it!

This is so awesome!

This is so much better than those
stupid fucking gadgets I used to make.

We gotta make a run
for that door.

We're gonna go on
the count of three...

and whatever you do,
just keep shooting.

Okay, okay, okay.

We just keep shooting?

- Yeah.
- Okay!


two, three!

That was a close one.

- Where are the guns?
- Shh. Shh.

We got company.

Nice gun butt.

One of us should probably
finish him off.

You really want
that throat rip, don't you?


I mean, yeah, but l know
you're not into it, so.. .


Go for the turkey.


Thank you.

No, thank you.
For trying to save my life.

Well, I owed you one.

Put her there, Grubes.

That's it.

Vicki's in there.

I can feel it in my balls.



Game's over, gentlemen.

Ah! MacGruber.

You're just in time.

You guys hungry?
You want a potsticker, a Molson?

We made a pretty
substantial Costco run.

Might not be able to get food
for a while, so we got enough...

for, like, an entire nuclear winter.

Constantine, would you be a
lamb and take these two...

while I have a little fun
with MacGruber, here?



First of all, I'd like to thank you
for that upper decker you left me.

I can't wait to kill you.

I want my mommy!

What, is MacGruber
gonna rip my throat out?

No, I want your throat
to stay right where it is

so I can hear you
scream bloody murder

when I cut off your dick
and shove it in your mouth.


That sounds like a real fun Tuesday...

but I've already got other plans.

See, in about four minutes...

I'm going to turn Washington D.C.
into a pile of ash.

And then I've got a big pile
of money to count.

How do you make money
killing millions of innocent people?

Really? I thought that was clear.

Uh... Someone pays me to do it.

You see, I can't say who 'cause
that would be gossiping.

It's the Chinese.

You make me sick.

How could you do this?

Oh, I'm not doing it.
You are.

You're mad.
You're mad!

Incensed. Disillusioned by a government
you blame for the death of your wife.

Your trampy,
backstabbing wife.

You killed Casey.
You killed Casey!

Not according
to your manifesto.

What? What are you talking about?

Your manifesto.

In here...

you blame the government
for the death of Casey...

and you're going to make
them pay dearly for it.

Cunth, you gotta believe me,
I didn't write that.

I'm being framed by somebody.
I don't know who it is...

but you gotta believe me!
This has been a big misunderstanding...

Oh, my God!
It's me. I'm writing it.

I'm the one that's
framing you. Me.

You son of a bitch!
You'll never get away with this.

Oh, God. Colonel Faith knows all
about this, and he is going to...

- Colonel Faith?
- He's dead.

You're lying.

Am I?

Screw you, Cunth!

Is that an invitation?

Ew! No.

Okay, can we get on
with your deaths now?

But first, there's something
I've been wanting...

to do for a long time.

Anyone up for a little trim?

What are you doing?

I just want you to look
good in your coffin.

Don't fucking do it,
Cunth! Don't do it!



Oh, look at me!

I'm MacGruber.
Hey, I'm gonna go pound some Cunth.

You wanna go?
Fuck you, fuck you.


What the fuck?

Now, Vicki!

l didn't think
you used a gun.

I don't.

You punch like a little girl.

Well, you're gonna walk
around like a little girl.

'Cause after I disarm this nuke...

I'm gonna cut off your dick and...

Shove it in my mouth.
You're like a broken record.

The only record I'm gonna break...

is the ''amount of your own dick
in your mouth'' record.

Launch commencing
in three minutes.

Three minutes, MacGruber!

Let's move!


All right.
Don't worry, gang.

I've been in this situation before...

and nothing bad has ever happened.

Right, Vicki?

All right. Before we start,
there's something I need to say here.

Vicki, I have been
doing so much thinking

since we had intercourse last night...

MacGruber, the bomb!

You're right, you're right. Okay.

Piper, toss me that copper wire.

You got it, MacGruber.

Vicki, that ball bearing.

Here you go, MacGruber.

Piper, those pliers.

Coming at you, Grubes!

Hurry up, MacGruber!

We're running out of time!

Vicki, make me the happiest man
on the face of the Earth.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Yes! I porked Casey's ghost last night.
We can talk about that later.

All right, we got a nuclear
warhead to... Holy shit!

What's wrong, MacGruber?

What the fuck is this?

It's a warhead, MacGruber.
You can defuse it, right?

Are you kidding me?
Look at all this crap.

There's, like,
a million wires in here.

I'm more like a three-wire guy.

Look at this wire.
Where does this go?

What does that.. .
There's a green one.

There's, like, a bunch of green.

Launch commencing
in two minutes.

Two minutes, MacGruber!

Yeah, I heard it, Vicki!
Jesus, nag, nag, nag!

I'm really sorry,
sweetie. l'm so sorry.

MacGruber, can you
do this or not?

No. I cannot defuse this missile.

Bravo, MacGruber!

I expected no less
from a washout like you.

Once again,
I win. You lose.

I didn't finish
my sentence, Dieter.

No, I cannot defuse your missile.
But I can do this.

Launch commencing
in one minute.

A nuclear warhead's...

not quite the same without
its thermonuclear core.

Damn it!

It doesn't matter.

There's still enough ammonium
nitrate left in that warhead...

to blow up the White House
and Congress, combined.

Right again, Cunth.

Of course, it's going to be awfully
hard to fly it without...

the guidance system.


So l guess you do win.

And your prize will be getting
blown to smithereens...

in about how long, Mrs. MacGruber?

Thirty-two seconds!

Well, we better scoot.
We do have a wedding to plan.

Let's move.

Launch commencing
in 20 seconds.



Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six,

five, four, three,
two, one, zero.

Classic MacGruber.

I love you both.

Theirs is a love
that knows no bounds.

A love that heals
in times of sickness.

A love that forgives
in times of anger.

A love that loves
in times of love.

- Vicki wrote that.
- Hmm.

It's beautiful, honey.

Thank you.

Now, is there anyone here with
just cause why these two souls...

should not be joined
in holy matrimony?

You scared me!


Then let's get to it.

Do you, Vicki
Gloria St. Elmo...

take MacGruber to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, MacGruber...

take Vicki Gloria St. Elmo
to be your lawfully wedded wife?


- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

- Are you all right?
- I'm okay.

No, Vicki, don't.

I gotta admit...

I'm kind of glad
you're still alive.

'Cause there's something I've been
wanting to say to you for a long, long time.

Hey, Cunth,
suck your own dick.

Come and get it.

What the fuck?
Where is it?

It was blown up in the explosion.

You are shitting me!

Are we done here?

God damn it!

Are we...
No, we're not done here!


Fuck you, dude!

I do.