Ma vie est un enfer (1991) - full transcript

MY LIFE IS HELL

Those X-rays?

I'm looking for them.

What a slowpoke!

Legall's after Ludwig.

You call that filing?

Take care of Mrs. Legall.

Everything's fine.

Move over!

It'll be fine, Mrs. Legall.

Don't tense up.



Prepare the Novocain,

don't just stand there!

Don't tense up!

You won't feel a thing,

just a slight shock, like a slap. See?

See? It's nothing.
Give me the tray!

I'm sick of that job, of that dentist.

Only you care about me, Dr. Langsam.

CLEANERS, BREAD, DETERGENT...

I can't sleep at night:

it's those dumb dreams.

Where were we with that dream?

- It's embarrassing...
- Try to tell me...

You undressed:
you were in string briefs...



Be specific...

Those narrow briefs
with an elastic in the cleft...

With a roar, a Greek grocer
came in and tried to rape me.

I couldn’t do a thing:
I was tied down.

Why the Greek grocer?

Maybe it's to do
with that insurance broker.

Was he Greek?

No, but I met him on a cruise
in the Greek islands.

Crummy trip, only old farts.

I was so depressed.

That was the last time I had sex.

A year and a half ago.

Very disappointing...Twice.

Then he sold me some life insurance.

It's a long way down!

- Evening, Miss Lemonier.
- Evening, Mr. Chpil.

No love letters today?

What's the video, may I ask?

"Cries and Whispers".

I've seen it. Lousy...

Tiny tits, no close-ups.
It stank.

Must be another film.

I rented it. "Cries and Whispers".

I got a good memory.

I assure you, it's not the same film.

Excuse me...

I bulk buy them now. It's cheaper.

I'm a real fan. I can lend you some.

Thanks,
but I don't like those movies.

- Ever seen any?
- Not interested.

Have a nice evening!

If you change your mind, come over.
I've got 650!

Gorby, what are you doing here?

Mother?

In the living room, dear.

I'm so glad you came today, Mum.

Be careful!

As if I never thought of you!

I'm exhausted, dear.

Shopping: women battling over rags...

I envy you, Leah.

I'd love to be like you:

not caring if I'm fat,
dressed like a sack and no make-up.

- Noticed anything?
- A new hairdo?

The eyes...Look at my eyes!
No more bags!

A Brazilian doctor.

He's a genius. Isn't it fabulous?

Could you keep Gorby tonight?
I'll be by tomorrow.

- Been in Paris long?
- Since this morning, dear.

Dimitri and I leave for Zurich tomorrow.

First comes a little shopping.

And George?

Don't mention him.

Dimitri is an adorable boy.

I met him at the Muzellis, in Rome.

I feel 20 years old.

I am 20!

I'm so happy, I'm floating...

What are you doing?

What's that horror?

Don't you like my mirror?

It's 18th century.

It's revolting!
You can't leave it here!

That was my only photo with Dad!

Poor Dad...

Keep that mirror for me.

I'll collect it later.

I've already got
all your furniture and sculptures.

I live in an auction house!

Pity you lack my natural good taste.

You miss out on so much...

We're not dining?

Some other time.
Tonight is for Dimitri.

By the way,
I didn't get your last rent check...

I was going to mail it.
Want it now?

No...Well, let's get it over with.

Have a nice evening, dear.

See you tomorrow, Gorby.

Mum, forgotten anything?

I don't think so...
I have my bundles...What?

Today's my birthday.

The 22nd. I'm 35.

So it is. Sorry, dear,
I have no head for dates.

Happy birthday, dear.
I'll send you a gift, I swear!

Happy birthday to you...

It's unbearable!

Stop that!

You're wrecking a masterpiece!

Relax. We're having a party.
You know Bill Burnett,

rock star?

No, I don't!
I'm tired and I need sleep!

The party's for his gold record.
Come in for a drink!

A line? Loosens you up!

Coke relieves that tired feeing.

Mr. Chpil,
do what you want in your place.

But I'm sick of the racket
you make every night.

If you keep it up,
I'll complain to the management!

Dogs like her can be

great in the sack.
She's so uptight, it's a turn-on!

1...2...3...4...

What's this?

Abargadon...

Neziru...

Oboremere...
Stop it, Gorby!

What is all this gibberish?

Abargadon... Neziru...

Oboremere... Astarte...

Come here, Gorby.

Who's there?

Is someone in the bathroom?

I can defend myself!

Sorry, I usually land
in the living room. What happened?

Don't move!

Abargadon. Your servant.

Don't come any closer:
I'll mace you!

Call me Abar, it's shorter.

Tough luck! It's empty!

Gorby?

Listen, if you want money,
I have some cash.

It's all yours
if you'll go away, OK?

Money? I've got as much as you want!

Please, think it over.

Raping me won't be any fun.
I won't even fight,

I'll switch off my mind.
Nobody'll enjoy it.

Really?

Why dramatize this, Leah?

How do you know my name?

We'll be together the rest
of our lives: I did my homework.

Sometimes a person can just...
flip out...

Got any friends to help you?
None?

I'm a bit vulnerable now:
I can't do much for you...

I'll make you very happy.

Police?

Cops are swamped.

It's the full moon.

This is ridiculous!

What do you want from me?

Your soul!

So you're the Devil?

The Devil! Don't go overboard!

I'm just a 5th-circle demon
on a surface mission.

I'm very easy to get along with.

Anyone I've serviced could tell you,
if they were still alive!

You want me to sign a pact?

Thanks for reminding me.

It's a standard contract.

Just a formality to ensure
our smooth cooperation.

Isn't it signed in blood?

That's folklore.
Cloven hoof, tail, little horns...

The world changes,
and we change with it.

Initial each clause
and sign at the bottom.

Nice doggy.

Very funny!

Sorry?

Tell Mr. Chpil I died
laughing at his gag. Gorby!

Stop that!

Now get out! Tell my idiot neighbor

next time I'll sue him!

Relax, Leah!

The joke's over!
I get up early tomorrow.

I have no time

for dimwits like you.

Go away!

I didn't bug anyone,
so quit bugging me!

On my birthday, too!

Crummy life...

If I'd known I'd have
brought you a gift...

Leave me alone!

Not a moment's peace...

I have to take the mirror.
It's only rented out.

Get lost!

I'll let you calm down.

Sleep on it: we'll talk it over
quietly tomorrow, Leah.

Stop using my name. You claim
you know me? In a pig's eye, you do!

Yeah, in a pig's eye!

Gorby?

Gorby, is that you?

It's only a nightmare...

My favorite neighbor! See?
I turned down the music.

Mr. Chpil, can you help me?

What is it? You're all shook up!

It's insane: there's a pig

wrecking my living room.

I'll take care of it.

Thank you. Excuse my behavior
before: I was edgy.

Sensitive women airways are.
I'll just get my slippers...

Slippers, honey!

She's zonked! A pig?

That's just a come-on.

She wants me.
And she's gonna get me!

I'm gonna hump her!

Coming!

So where's that pig?

In the living room.

Let's chase it into the bathroom.

I make passes at girls
who wear glasses. They ooze sex!

Yes, but...

Then let's trap it in the hall...

Mr. Chpil, please!

Relax. Isn't this nice?

Not now.
Things are complicated enough.

Come here, Gorby.

What's that?

It's a pig!

I told you so!

Why's this pig here?

It's my Mum's.

She's nuts! Pigs aren't pets!

Get away from me!

Easy, Gorby.

Let go!

Easy!

Filthy swine! It stinks!

It's worse at this end!

- Move your ass!
- I'm doing my best!

I meant the pig!

Mr. Chpil,

your hair!

Gorby's eating it!

You swine!

Let go!

Smelly thing!

Give it back!

A pig eats my wig!
That's funny?

I'm sorry!

Baldness is funny?

Look at yourself, hysterical bitch!

You pig-fucker!
I'll report you to the ASPCA!

What's happening to us, Gorby?

You're sweet.

So sweet...

Move over, Gorby.

Go to sleep!

Hi, Mum.

What time is it?

You're kidding! I'll be late...

Why can't you stop by?

I can't bring you back your dog.

I can't take Gorby to work.
You know Dr. Fournel.

Sure, Gorby's fine.

In fact,
I had a nightmare about Gorby...

It was awful...

I'm sorry, Dr. Fournel.
I had an awful night.

Excuses, excuses.

Prepare some paste,

I need a mold of his teeth.

What now?

Gone mad?

The gentleman has pyorrhea.

It happens.

Why is your assistant staring at me?

Are you sick?

Speak up!

Please listen, Dr. Fournel.
It's very important.

I'm sorry... Well?

This man...

is very dangerous!

What's all this?

You don't know who he is.

A 5th-circle demon
on a surface mission.

Outrageous!
She insults me! You wait!

I'll spread the word about you!

Please don't leave.
I don't know what's going on.

I apologize abjectly...

You're fired! You're mental!

Get out! Or I'll crack you
in the mouth with a forceps!

Mrs. Schmidt,

did you see my patient go by?

Answer me, dummy!

No, Dr. Fournel.

Too bad. Your turn, Mrs. Silvani.

He's ugly! I'm scared!

Hi, little girl.

Thanks...

Sorry,

but I had to prove who I was.

Let go or I'll scream!

Someone's finally interested in you:
at least be sociable.

Your purse!

You forgot your purse!

Trot out all your tricks,
I won't give in.

You may be a demon,
but you don't scare me!

My kind of talk!
We can communicate after all.

Sit down a minute,
since I don't scare you.

OK, let's hear your pitch.

You dislike me that much?

I've made myself quite handsome, no?

That's supposed to be
devilishly clever?

That's not nice.

Stop taking us for half-wits!

Dammit to Hell's fuckin' bells!

You're gross! I'm going!

I'm sorry,

but we've been slandered for centuries,

when we've done fabulous things
for mankind!

No kidding!

- You bet!
- Like what?

War!

A good war benefits everyone.

The economy...

The birth rate skyrockets...

Even if you lose, war pays off.

You all through? Can I go?

Sure you can, you're free.

Only sign if you want to.

But you'll wind up like her.

Alone....

Her cat just died...
She gets a tiny pension...

Trying to be dignified
on £2.50 a day. Sad, no?

You bastard!

Where's Gorby?

At home.

You didn't bring him?

I had a problem...
It's complicated to explain.

I just got fired.

You scared me:
I thought it concerned Gorby.

But why you didn't bring him?

Leah!

I couldn’t find a cab that took dogs!

Madam.

My little sweetie...

You're a mess...

I'll call you tonight.

Leah, introduce me to your friend!

My mother, Flo.
What was your name?

Abar.

You're her mother?

You can't be!

I am!

Unbelievable.
I'd swear you're her big sister.

Where have you been hiding him?
Sit down, Babar.

Abar. Babar's an elephant.

Gorby as an elephant! Funny?

Hilarious!

Sit down, Leah!

I see you twice a year
and you want to leave already!

Capricorn!

How'd you guess?

Capricorn women are very seductive.
Their magnetism is...

very special...

You're very Capricorn.

How did my daughter meet
such a delightful fellow?

Don't look so grim, Leah!
You have no sense of humor!

My daughter and I are so different.
I suspect...

there was a switch at the hospital!

I love to laugh...

To have fun...

I airways did.

Leah's the opposite.

You'd think she liked being alone.

Or gabbing to her shrink.

Last night Dimitri and I went to a disco...

I danced like crazy...

Until 2 AM!

Youth must be cultivated,
like a flower.

You have a green thumb, dear Flo.

Abar, I like you.

For once I'm a teensy bit jealous
of my daughter.

There's Dimitri!

He can't see us. Blind as a bat!

Flo, darling!

Good-bye...

Abar.

I'm sure we'll meet again,

someday.

Get a move on, Gorby!

Bye, Leah.

Wrinkles suit her,

don't they?

Mum!

Don't scream "Mum"! You're not 5!

Don't worry.
We all have paranoid tendencies.

I once felt persecuted
by the Inland Revenue.

I'm rushed.
I'll try to fit you in tomorrow.

5:12 PM.

That OK?

I hope nothing serious happens
meanwhile.

Could you make it...

Of course...

There.

Doctor,
I'm embarrassed to mention it...

Now that I'm out of work...

It'll be tougher...

If you could...

if we could reach
an arrangement until I find a job.

Of course...

But it's a bit complicated.

In 2 months I'll manage...

I trust you.
That's not the problem.

But free analysis won't help you.
You know that,

you've read my book.

How about half, then?

No, you must try to pay.
It's very important. To you.

What'll I do till
I get unemployment pay?

What will you do?

You'll figure it out.

I'm in danger, doctor!

Don't refuse me help
when I most need it!

Let go of my sweater, Leah!
You must decide!

You can't drop me!

I have only you to talk to!

I'm sorry, Leah. I'm in a hurry.

Please!

I'm in a hurry! I mean, really!

What a bastard!

Even I wouldn’t do that.

A guy you really trusted.

It's revolting!

In 2 years,
I've given him £10,000!

Just to tell you I don't exist.

Talk about a quack!

"All of Leah Lemonier's wishes
and desires,

except those in Art. 5,
will be fulfilled

by then..."

That's important... "and upon
the Lord Devil’s signature.

Once signed,
the deed is irrevocable.

The parties are bound forever."

You give me your soul

at the end of your earthly life

in exchange for my total devotion...

What's he paying you?

Sorry?

Don't worry,
she's getting a fine deal.

Some people got luck.

I'd sell my soul,
but nobody wants it.

Here.

It's an advance.

Sign.

He hasn't had a job in 5 years.

Don't overdo it.

I mean it.

What's the fine print?

Pick one.

What?

Pick a hand.

What for?

Just pick.

I don’t know... That one.

Happy birthday, Leah.
I'm a bit late.

Should be your size.

It's lovely! Thanks.

No one ever gave me a ring.

Why would they?

Because you deserve it.

You're such a special person...

Gimme a break.

I interest no one.

Not a glance! I'm barely noticed.

If I was a busty blonde with
a great ass, I'd have no trouble

being understood...

You're very gifted for this sport.

Yes, I do pretty well.

I was 42nd in the Normandy Open.

It's such an appealing
and intelligent game...

Get the ball in the hole!

That sums up the game.
You've never played?

Me? Never!

I'm so clumsy, I couldn’t hit
a cow in a corridor.

Have a try...

No fears...

Go on...

It's there.

Watch out!

Great start!
How do I hold this shaft?

Freudian slip!

Sorry?

It's called a club. Not a shaft,
or a cue. That's for pool.

Stand there...

There...Now spread those legs...

The club is an extension
of your body...

That's a lucky club!

Good!

Can we meet this dazzler?

Guy's got a cosmic ego!

Arnaud, Jean...
the mystery lady of the links.

I'm Le...I'm Scarlet.

Off the Grenada coast

we ducked a storm,
and got away with a good scare.

Loads of fun.

I've only sailed in Greece.
It's pretty, too.

Please...

Could you play "Brazil" for me?

Know Brazil?

No, I'd adore to go.
I hear it's 'marvy'.

I can take you there.

Are you serious?

Watch out, Scarlet. He's a pimp!

A white-slaver in S. America.

- Really?
- No, a joke!

I'm awful.
You can make me swallow anything.

It's mean to make fun of me,
Arnaud. Wicked man!

I wasn't joking...

I really can take you.
I'm at the French embassy in Rio.

Getting in deep, pal.

Brazil can wait.
Let's you and I have dinner.

Lovely! I'll go touch up
the war paint. My hair's a mess.

Fabulous!

Well? Happy?

What's happening is terrific,
Abar. Thanks a million!

What bothers me is my vocabulary.
I feel limited.

That doesn't matter.

One can say it all with 250 words!

You're magnificent, Leah.

They're so charming, so sweet to me.

Especially Xavier.

He's so cold at his desk,
and now he's such a dear.

You really think he likes me?

Are you kidding?

You're a bombshell!

Sorry...

If you knew what they're saying
about you now...

I'd love to be tiny as a mouse...

She's built
like a brick shithouse...

You can't stop being vulgar!

Look who's talking!

She's like that Aussie
who was hot for me.

Here we go again...

You were dying to ball her!

Anyway, you can't afford this one.

And you're not her style.

How do you know?

The way she looked at me.

I bet you £60

I get to screw her.

You'll lose. I'll double that bet.

In cash?

Why? Don't you trust us?

£300 says not only do I make her,

but I bring you in for seconds.

It's horrible!

No, it's very funny.
Perk up! Your mascara's running.

I was better off ugly

and unsexy.

I had no let-downs..

Nonsense! Do you trust me?

Look at me, Leah.

I'll give you
the ultimate defensive weapon.

I don't really feel like dinner.
Coming, Xavier?

My pleasure.

£300!

Coming, Xavier?

Right with you.

You have the same voice
as someone I know...

That so?

Luckily,
the resemblance stops there.

You are...what shall I say?

...devastatingly feminine.

I want you so much.

Me, too.

Let's do some slow exploring...

I feel I know you to a T...

You won't be disappointed.

Neither will you.

Scarlet, what's going on? Stop it!

What's that?...Let go of me!

Please...No, Scarlet! Not that!

Please...It really hurts!

Abar!

I didn't know you'd surfaced.

Happy hunting, panthers.
Claw 'em good!

- Say hi to an old friend!
- Melmoth! What's up?

Me! I'm up here!
Better than down in Hell!

Hey, Abar, wanna play for drinks?

No, thanks!
Not liar-dice with demons!

Hi, Pazou.

Look who's here! What'll it be?

Drinks are on me tonight, Pazou.

Shot of Drano?

Don't mind if I do.

Here. Before I forget.

That's my lighter!

Quit fucking around!

It's the third one
he swiped from me!

I'm wise now.

I saw you, asshole!

Madam Lilith,
he was being friendly!

You got friends, now?

You look glum, Astaroth.

Yeah, I'm stuck with a wimp:

he's got scruples,
can't make up his mind.

I just signed the pact
of the century.

You ready?
A short-term deal: 90 days!

You lucky devil!

She signed her death warrant,
didn't read a line.

In 3 months I'll bring the Boss
a nice soul,

in prime condition,
a gem.

That should get me into
the 4th Circle!

Drinking the customers' dregs now?

I don't drink, Lilith.
I'd tell you if I did.

Cut it out, you smell of Drano!

I'll be damned!

What's the matter?

Look who came in!

Shit, the Archangel Gabriel!

It's Gabe.

Drink up...

Nervous?

What's this?

A pact form.

Read it!

It's Leah Lemonier’s pact.
You made a mistake!

What kind of a mistake?

We got her soul.

This pact was for her mother, moron!

What mother?
The daughter summoned me.

The mirror was for her mother.
To use when she got it back.

Listen, Gabriel,

mortals have to look out
for themselves.

I did my job by the book.

Who decides what
the book says, worm? Who?

You do.

This pact is void.
All its effects are canceled!

If I were you,
I'd leave this earth.

You can come out, chickenshit!

He's gone!

I always wondered
what I missed in women,

and you helped me find out:

a penis.

Abar? Please, Abar!

Yes?

No, nothing, thanks.

You unblocked me.

Let's go eat? It's made me ravenous.

Sorry, Dr. Langsam,

I wasn't myself.

I hope I didn't hurt you too much.

It wasn't my fault, I swear.

I'll never bother you again.

They think I'm a cherub?

They don't scare me!

My conscience is clear!

Watch your step, Abar!

He can do anything
because of his halo?

Then he says we're to blame,

and we do the dirty work
without a protest.

No one stands up to him!

What can we do?
Have we got any choice?

Look at me.

Same again, Pazou.

That's enough!
He's crocked to the eyes.

Madam Lilith,

I'm celebrating my departure.

Is that wrong?

You're not down below yet.

Why not?

What if...

you freaked your client

and she blows her brains out?
It happens!

Let her do what she wants,
it's not my problem.

If she commits suicide, jerk...

it's a mortal sin!

She won't need a contract
to go down below, jackass!

Too late!

There!

I don't care!
I've got a cupboard full of pills.

Now listen...

I sold my soul to a creep!

A nobody! A pisser!

Here, take your ring and shove it!

You didn't sell a thing.
The contract's off. You're free!

I couldn’t come when you called.
Gabriel nixed the deal.

The Archangel Gabriel.

The guy with two wings and a halo.
You dig?

The Archangel Gabriel.
Of course!

What'd Gabe say to you?

That I got the wrong person.

The pact was for your mother!

My mother?

Always my mother!

Always her!

Always my mother!

It's a break for you.

You deserve a lot better.

I was beginning to like you,
I almost trusted you.

Leah, look at me.

I'm an abject creature...

I know that.

You didn't read the fine print.

Nobody does. I was a louse!

You only had 3 months to live.

In 3 months you were dead.
See what you escaped?

That wasn't nice!

Not at all.
Don't regret a thing!

I would have been able to do so much
in three months!

Don't say that!

Words can't describe
what it's like below.

If you tear off a nail,
it hurts, right?

Sure.

Imagine all your nails
being torn off, all the time,

even your toenails.

That's peanuts compared to Hell.

What's the matter?

I don't know.

It's your cocktail.
What'd you put in it?

Halcyon...

Valium...the rest is on the table.

Can't be that...Nothing else ?

No...

Yes...a drop of Chartreuse to kill

- ...the whisky taste.
- Chartreuse?

That crap made by monks!

But don't worry,
I won't die: I'm immortal!

But it has side-effects...

Look at my hand...

Now it's getting to my feet...

I need a pick-me-up!

Coming!

Evening, Mr. Chpil...

Got any Drano?

I'm all out

and my sink's stopped up.
I can't sleep...

Don't stand there, come in.

Still angry about the pig?

No, I'm a hothead,
but I forget fast.

Hi there, miss.
Tell me, if I'm in the way...

Not at all! Have a seat!

Champagne?

I'd love some!

A drop!

You look dandy!
Tight clothes suit you!

Drano and some coke!

Sorry!

My glasses!

Troublemaker!

But I love trouble!

Easy there...

Where are you?

What the fucking Hell are you up to?

Where's the Drano?

Who's he?

A friend. Abargadon...

What's the nut doing?

I don't want no corpse!

That's better!

Look!

Look what you did to her!

She's ruined!

Bastard!

Finest German import! £2,000!

What's the other nut up to?

All my coke!

Gone!

She swallowed it!

I'd call the cops

if I could,

mo'fuckers!

We're all civilized people.
I'll make it up to you.

Will this do?

What for, dickhead?

It's Devil Dust...
The latest craze in the Bronx!

Know it?

Check it out!

Careful, it's uncut.
Hellish stuff!

Stick around!
How about some video action?

We've bothered
you enough for one night.

And you have company...

Who are you two?

You've got a nose full...

Haven't we met?

We're going.

'Bye! Have a nice time!

We're off and running!

They're crazy!

I'm not going home!

Then where? It's late,

you're tired, you need sleep!

Not true!

I'm wide awake.

I want to walk! I need fresh air!

Wait for me!

Take it easy.

Fire Department?

Come quick!

Shut up!

I feel great!

Fabulous!
Like I just lost 10 pounds!

I prefer you like this:
happy, full of pep!

Like it?

It's gorgeous!

I love pink,
but I never dared wear it!

Life really stinks!

What'll happen to me? All alone,
no job, no analyst, nobody!

Not that again! Everything's fine!

Maybe for you.

I'm dreaming in front of
a shop window, like a poor slob!

It was made for you!

Turn around!

This is our night, Leah!

I'm your humble servant...

A cheap trick,
but I fall for it every time!

And now...

I need a volunteer...

A fearless one...

You, sir?

Sure!

You'll look a fool!

C'mon, it's just...

I'll do it!

A brave man, give him a big hand!

Come up and sit down, sir.

Ready to lose your head?

Let's go!

Trust me, you won't feel a thing.

Don't worry about me...

'Bye-bye!

You OK? Comfy?

Just fine.

Still OK?

Fine! One's gone through my cheek,
but otherwise...

A joker!

You're tickling me!

I now ask

for complete silence!

Here we go!

One!...Two!...Three!

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'll perform for the first time

a unique trick!

I need some volunteers...

You, sir...

Gladly.

You'll make a fool of yourself!

You'll get him back whole!

One moment...

Smile...

You, miss and you, sir...

- Your name, miss?
- Evelyn.

- And your fianc�’s?
- Bernie.

Please come on stage.

Leah?

Please stand behind my magic cape...

Now, so we don't see your faces,
please crouch...

By the Powers of Evil...

O great Satan...

Prince of Darkness...

Fill me with your power!

Are they all here?

George?

Evelyn and Bernie?

Where is Leah?

Here she is!

George!

Come back, you silly goose!

See how high I can fly!

Life is sweet, Leah.

Where are you? I can't see you!

Fly to the right.

Dive at me!

Good...gently...

Slow down...brake...

Landing's tricky...

I don't want you to leave...

I have no choice.

You had your fun,
now put away the toys...

I was trying to save her!

She wanted to kill herself.
You know it!

I warned you.

No more satanic immunity.

Now you're just another human.
It's lots of fun, you'll see!

And you're doomed,

that's the least I can do...

You'll die in 3 months.

So what? I've died dozens of times!

There's a subtle difference...

You'll endure forever

the pain you inflicted
on your former clients.

Why?

I was strictly minor league!
You have no right!

I have the right to an attorney!

True...

This man's The Devil’s Advocate...

My client pleads...

guilty.

He gets 3 months, as in
the pact he made his victim sign.

He accepts the verdict

and submits to the justice
of his Mighty Creator.

What about mercy?

How about showing a little mercy!

Are you hurt?

What happened?
Who were those people?

They sure nailed me...
Shit! I'm cold.

Who's "they"?

The Archangel!
The thug of the one...

whose name I can't mention!

I'm going to die, Leah.

Nonsense, you can't die!

Yes, I can. I'm going to die.
They made me human.

Then we can be together?

Are you kidding? I have 3 months...

Then I die like a dog.

It's starting already...

It itches, it's scratchy!
What is it?

Your beard! It's normal...

Happens to all men...Get up!

I'm chilled to the bone.

I'm scared, Leah.

It's all my fault!
I'm mad at myself, Abar.

There must be a way!
We'll find an answer!

You know anyone who can help?

Yes, but it's not close by...

Let's go.

That's it...

Your hell of a bar?

It can't be...

They can't do it!

I don't believe it!

- Sure it was here?
- You bet!

I was here last night,
drinking with my buddies!

Pazou!

Madam Lilith! Can you hear me?

Nothing!
They've sealed off my way back down!

This place was like home to me!

Now I can never go back!
I'm finished!

I'm screwed!

Come here. And stop moaning.

It won't help.

I bet you're laughing up there!

You cowards!

Shit! Ouch!

They didn't like your insult.

You're hopeless.

It'll be OK.

It'll get infected...

- No, it won't.
- It will.

C'mon, let's get out of here.

If I die of blood poisoning now,

I won't have to wait 3 months...

Let's see...

It's just a scratch, thank God!

Don't say that name!

It slipped out...

And Gabriel? If I could meet him

and explain what happened...

You can't change his mind!

Now what is it? Get up!

But if he's pure goodness...

Archangels are stubborn as mules.

Pretentious, too.

But they call the shots.

We just do what we're told!

Forget it, Leah. It's no use.

No, I won't! Come on!

No, I'll never go in there!

- C'mon!
- No!

You're wasting your time.
He's unavailable!

He's too busy for the likes of us!

I'm so sorry, Madame.

I'm in urgent need.

Poor fellow, so young!

You're too kind, ma'am.

Thanks...
the guy upstairs won't forget you.

I must talk to Archangel Gabriel.
It's very important.

Sorry? I didn't get that, child...

The Archangel Gabriel...

I sodomized my psychoanalyst...

I was under a spell, I regret it...

But I signed that pact on a whim...

Messenger angel needed at Gate 4...

St John the Baptist

is wanted in the conference room.

St John the Baptist wanted
in the conference room.

HOLY SEE TV

You're in the wrong place, child.
Are you under medical care ?

Don't you start, too! I'm not crazy!

A demon wants redemption.
Don't fail him!

You asked to see me?

What's it about?

Please, Archangel Gabriel...

give Abargadon a chance!

I saved you from the Devil,
you fall for one of his minions!

I didn't...

Look, Leah,

the Devil is a seducer.
He tricked you.

He's vicious, he admitted it.

Give him a chance to go straight.

He'll make a fine human being,
I swear.

I know far more perverse people.

Please, Archangel!
For the love of God!

Don't lecture me. I know my job!

I grant a 3-month reprieve
to that...creature.

If by then he renounces Satan
and all his acts,

I'll reconsider his case.

Thanks...Thank you,

thank you!

Don't tell me you saw Gabriel!

A will finds a way! Whose is that?

I borrowed it.
What did you tell him?

- Whose is it?
- Some kid's.

- You stole it!
- So? What can I lose?

I got you a reprieve!

What?

Behave 3 months
and you're saved!

I toil for your soul,
and you steal!

Shit!

The old lady's purse!

You stole a purse?

How could I know?
I'm just a man now!

Did you hit her?

Just a little...She's OK...

Now we'll go give the purse
and the bike back!

If I'm busted, I got no ID.
It'll be jail!

Better than burning in hell!

Prisons breed crime!
I'll be exposed to temptation!

Where's the old lady?

- Over there.
- Where?

- At the corner...
- C'mon.

C'mon!

I never walked so much.

- Step lightly, be devil-may-care...
- Don't make fun of me.

Abar? Where are you?

I've got my powers back!

Look, my outfit! Everything!
I fooled those creeps!

Who's the greatest? Beelzebub!

Stop it, Abar!

It's no big deal!

But it's true! Look!

It's a trap! They're tempting you!

- To do what? I do the tempting!
- Well, now they are!

You have to resist!

It'll be rough.

I know but I'm here...
Behave like a normal man.

What are you doing? Let go of me!

What is this?

I'm being a normal man.

They won't go for this upstairs!

Why not? Love, that's all
they talk about! We're doing it!

What is it?

Be right back.

Abar! What's happened?

What's wrong? Open up!

Answer me!

Whatever I did,
I don't deserve this!

Deserve what?

They castrated me!

What?

They cut off my dick and the rest.

That's terrible! Does it hurt?

No...

There's a little cloud there
instead.

It's been 2 years since I had sex.
Forget orgasms, I mean the act.

So it's all theoretical to me...

I'd have shown you my fire power.

132 rounds a second, unbeatable!

Well you can't now!

Why rub salt in the wound?

Have a siesta...

I'm never tired!

I'm edgy!

- If he starts up now, too!
- Want ear plugs?

He's doing it on purpose!

Please, Abar!

Take it easy.

Don't worry, it'll be OK.

Sorry to trouble you...

Could you turn down your TV set
a wee bit, please?

That'll teach you, asshole!

Control...

Try to control yourself...

What are you doing?

Stop! Abar!

Don't yield to temptation.
Think of your soul!

What's 3 months at your age?
You're 27,000 years old!

What's that revolting trick?

He called me an asshole!

BE KIND

BE PATIENT

It won't work!

Unbelievable...

I don't believe it!

Why?

Why won't it work?

I did it the right way!

I order you to work!

You shitty electrical fixture!

They sell useless crap!

When it's so simple...

Why scream?

I'm doing handiwork.

So am I. I fixed the bathroom door,

I'm not screaming.

- No, you're perfect!
- Get off it!

He complimented you.

You should thank him!

I thought you were in Zurich.

So much is changing in my life...

This is the hallway...
That's the living room...

I haven't told you...

the good news!

Dimitri and I are getting married!

Better luck this time!

Congratulations, Flo!

Thanks, Abar.

We're moving to Zurich.
Isn't that fabulous?

I'm selling

this place. You don't mind?

- I'll show it at once...
- Good, I want a fast sale.

It's trickier with tenants...

- We'll store the furniture.
- But Mum...

I've got a million-pound offer.

I'll make it a million and half.

Will you take cash?

You nuts?

Stay out of this.

Wait in the car?
I've business here. Take Gorby.

No, those are small bills...

Abar, this is my business.
Stay out of it!

Leah, let your friend invest...
It's a very good deal.

Don't do it! You're on trial!

There it is, a million and a half...

Mother,

don't take his money, please!

- Why not?
- It's from...a robbery!

Don't listen! That's crap!

Looks...

innocent to me!

Innocence itself!

Mother, please!

For once, do me a favor...

Get out!

- Excuse me?
- Get out!

I've paid the rent, it's my home!

Don't talk to me like that!

You're a pain, Mother!

Since I was little,

you've put me down, trampled on me,
wrecked my life. Enough!

Get out! Take your husbands,
your money, and your furs!

Little fool!

I have two buyers:
once it's signed, you're outta here!

Or bailiffs will evict you!

Get out!

Out!

I never thought I'd manage that!
You realize?

I realize your principles
have put us on the street.

Pessimist!

Big apartments are tough to sell.

- Seen Abar?
- Yes, I have.

Where is he?

- Abar!
- Hi, love!

You're incorrigible!

- Get up here!
- Let me finish!

Get up here! Refund their money!

All the money!

- What you want?
- She say all the money!

Stop it!

It'll get us nowhere...

Just a little...

What's this?

Abar, wake up! Please, wake up!

- What is it?
- Look!

What have you done?

Can't I even dream any more?

What's left?

I'm sick of this crummy life!

Are you mad?
At midnight you'll be saved!

What'll it get me?
A 50-year reprieve at best!

I'll be like him tomorrow!

I won't know the winners.
I'll be a lousy lay!

Stop it!

Don't believe me?

I'm not shitting you: 1-12-18!

Wanna win the daily triple?

Put three quid on 1-12-18!
You'll win £7,876!

Doesn't believe me! Tomorrow,
I'll be like him: a dumb mortal!

Don't despair...we'll find a way.

Sure! Ask them!

They wait in line for a pittance!
Ask them!

Hell's better?

At least I know where I stand!
No false hopes!

Hot pokers up your ass,
burning coals in your gut!

You get used to it after eons!

Coward! You put down humans,
but you're the same!

I busted my ass for you!
For what?

So you can walk off saying
it's too tough?

It isn't tough for me?
To love a dickhead like you?

You thought I loved you?

Who are you? Look at yourself?

I don't love you.

I love no one.

I won't say good-bye,
it's too tacky!

Then what?

I reappear in Paris in 1793,
the day they beheaded the King!

Don't ask me why...

but I was dressed as a priest!

Bingo, the bastards impaled me!

The very rare sirloins?

For the young ladies.

I'm starving!

My last night!
I want to go out in style!

Not easy when you've got hot air
in your pants!

So what!

Sex isn't everything!

With a bit of imagination,

there's ways to have fun!

Watch your step, fuckface!

It was an accident, you cow!

Apologize,
or I'll rip off your nuts!

Dirty faggot!

Faggot yourself, cocksucker!

Let go of me, slut!

What's going on?

The jerk and his floozy
insulted me!

I'll teach that limey some manners!

Catch!

C'mon Abar!

The night is young!

- Don't walk out on us!
- Go back where you came from!

Tell Satan I quit the Company!

We'll see you soon, Abar!

We're all out of beer?

Where you goin'?

- I live here. What happened?
- A fire in a hotel.

It was a firetrap!

Leah!

A young woman with glasses,
2nd floor?

Move on, it's dangerous.

Let go of me!

Are there people inside?

We can't go in.
The building’s collapsing!

You're crazy! Come back!

You'll die!

Don't worry! I'm in my element!

Save my little girl!

I'll get you out.

He saved my little girl!

One moment...

Well?

Her lungs are in lousy shape.

Will she make it?

We did our best. Sorry, fella...

You win some, you lose some.

Leah, can you hear me?

I promise you, you'll live.

It's almost midnight.

In a few minutes we'll be separated.

I feel...

I feel strange...

I don't know how to put it...

I'm at a loss for words...

Shit! I've never cried before.
Feels weird...

I'm going to give you one last gift.

When you wake up,
you won't remember me.

It's all I can give you.

Are you crazy?

Get out of here!

Get lost!

Doctor Belin!

Incredible!

I'm saved! I'm saved!

I'm saved!

Wait!

Leah!

It's Abar! Remember me?

Who?

- You know this guy?
- No.

She doesn't.

Abar!

Abargadon!

I love you!

- I'm saved!
- You still here?

- You family?
- Not really...

Then you got no business here!

Wait, it's important!
I must speak to her!

I understand, Lord,

but in Your infinite mercy,

You may have forgotten that
he didn't keep all his promises...

Yes, he did save a child...

But does he deserve to be mortal?

Has he earned salvation?

If You say so, Lord.

There's also
this transfusion business:

it isn't very kosher in my view.

Far be it from me to
question Your judgment, Lord...

What?

You'll say I'm being
unduly cautious...

But I smell a trick...

Gentlemen,
we've made lots of money.

In 6 months we've become
the world leader

in laser prosthetics!

By inventing

disposable dentures,
everyone now, for a pittance,

can have a Hollywood smile!

People say they're carcinogenic!

Let 'em prove it!

You called, Miss Lemonier?

Fournel, I don't want our windows
cleaned during meetings!

It's never happened before.
I'm sorry.

Is it really a bother?

Heard of industrial espionage?

A fan of disposable dentures?

Who's your boss?

The Japanese? Well?

Are you deaf? Remove those goggles!

Leah...

Stay there.

Got a criminal record?

A tiny one.

Well?

Take your pick...

Jail...

Or a signature.

You just knocked me on my ass!

Pardon me?

You don't know me, but I remember
everything! Raping your shrink!

The shit coming out of Chpil's door!
Turning Gorby into a pig!

The transfusion...My blood's
in your veins! I'm so happy!

You're not my kind of customer.

Why?

We never sign up mental cases.
They're protected up there.

I'm not crazy!
I'm normal, the ideal customer!

Easy now!

I decide who's ideal!

You can't turn down a soul
as black as mine!

Really?

You do seem sincere...

It may work out.

Sit down.

You won't regret it, Leah!

Neither will you.

Well...

Initial the paragraphs
and sign below.

Which hand?

I know that trick.

I'm crossing out the 15-day clause.
And initialing it.

You're clever, not an easy catch!

Well, that's out of the way.

So?

We're now bound together
for eternity.

Terrific!

So what do you want?

Power?

Women?

Money?

What I want is... you!

That's already in the contract...

Yeah, but right now, on the rug.

And I want to spend
the next 40 years with a hard on.

No problem, you signed up.

And that's just...

...the beginning!