Ma and Pa Kettle on Vacation (1952) - full transcript

The Kettles are in Paris along with their daughter-in-law's parents the Parkers. Pa tries to buy racy postcards. He also gets in big trouble when he is given a letter to deliver to Adolph Wade, a spy who gets killed by spies Inez and Cyrus Kraft.

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♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up ♪

JWill you get up
wlll you get up ♪

♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up ♪

;Will you get up today;

♪ No, no, Mother
I won't get up ♪

;I won't get up
I won't get UP ♪

♪ No, no, Mother
I won't get up ♪

♪ I won't get up today;

[TimerTicking]

[Grease Sizzling]

[ Bell Dings]



[ Bell Dings Again]

[ Timer Buzzes]

[Bell Dings]

[ Deep Fryer Buzzes]

♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up ♪

JWill you get up
wlll you get up ♪

♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up
will you get up today;

♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up ♪

JWill you get up
wlll you get up ♪

♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up
will you get up today;

♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up
will you get up today;

♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up will
you get up ♪♪ [ Doorbell Rings ]

- Who is it?
- I've got a special delivery airmail for you, Pa.

Well, I--
I got my hands full, Hank.



Slip it under the door.

♪ General Sherman had an army
ofloo,000 men;

♪ He marched them up the hill ♪

;And then he marched them
down again ♪

♪ When they were up
they were up ♪

♪ And when they were down
they were down ♪

♪ And when they were
halfway up ♪

♪ They were neither
up nor down ♪♪

[ Door Opening,
Closing 1

How ya feelin' now, Ma?

Same as I always do
after a hard day's washin'.

You sure
you ain't sick?

If anybody's sick around here,
it must be you.

'Tain't natural for you to work hard
enough to get my breakfast. Now, now, Ma.

There ain't gonna be no more tough
days for you, 'cause I'm gonna help.

With the washin'?
Mm-hmm.

Startin' today, I'm gonna
make a clean shirt...

last a month
instead of two weeks.

Oh, here's a letter for us.
Who's it from?

Must be from Kim's folks.
The postmark says Boston.

Two airplane tickets
to New York...

and then to Paris.

Is it from Kim's folks?

It must be. It's signed byjonathan.
I wonder what it's all about.

If you'll read it,
you'll find out.

“Dear Ma and Pa--“
That's us, all right.

“Dear Ma and Pa--“
You said that before.

Do you want me to read it
or don't you?

Oh, sure, Ma.
Go ahead.

[indistinct Mumbling]

“Affectionately yours,
Elizabeth and j onathan.”

Well, I'll declare.
What do you think about it, Pa?

Well, I don't
rightly know...

because I never
heard a word you said.

Elizabeth andjonathan want us
to go to Paris with them!

Paris, France? Well, it
ain't Paris, Kentucky!

Two of their friends
were going with them,

but after buying the tickets,
their friends can't go.

Now they want us to go with them.
That's wonderful, Ma.

I always wanted to go
to Paris, France.

I almost did during
the First World War.

What stopped ya?
I don't know.

They said I couldn't go until they
scraped the bottom of the barrel.

The change will do us
both good, Ma. Oh--

Let's do it, huh? I'm afraid I'd
worry too much about the kids.

But they say they won't take no for an answer.
Them's my sentiments too.

Don't worry.
Leave everything to me.

I'll find someone
to look after the kids.

We don't get the chance to go to
Paris, France every day, you know.

Thanks for the breakfast.

Oh, don't mention it, Ma.

I'll fixyou up
a good lunch too.

Be sure you fix me
something you can eat!

[ Door Closes]

Our only problem now...

is to find someone to look after
the kids while we're gone.

You don't have to look
any further, Pa.

I know a young squaw who'll papoose-sit
for four dozen eggs a week.

That's kind of steep,
ain't it?

Chicken feed's hard
to get these days.

If you don't believe me, just
go out and try to borrow some.

I'll get you
better rate.

Could you lend me
a pipe-ful of tobacco?

Sure, Pa.

Oh, Pa, don't forget to bring
us some postcards from Paris.

Thought neither
of you fellas could read.

Who has to read 'em?

You got a match?

Where you goin'
with the wheelbarrow?

We gotta take it back
to Lem Tullett.

Then you're going
right by my house.

No use going empty-handed.
I'll go back with ya.

Huh.
Shut up!

You talk too much.
Keep it in order, boys.

Keep it orderly.

[ Door Opening,
Children Chattering]

[Chattering Continues]

All right, children!
All right!

Now, quiet down!
Quiet down!

What was it you wanted? A small bottle
of perfume, if it isn't too expensive.

[Laughing]

What can Ma
bring you, honey?

A big flock
of french-fried potatoes.

[Laughing]
Now, listen, children.

If you'll all be good while Ma's gone
and do what Little Red Fawn tells ya,

I'll bring everyone a present
when I come back. [ Horn Honking]

[Children Cheering]

Ma, your taxi
just pulled up.

- You got the tickets and passport, Pa?
- Right here in my hand, Ma.

Well, get a move-on, you.
The taxi's waitin'.

Won't have to borrow tobacco while you're gone.
Going-away present.

Well, thanks,
Geoduck.

I was beginning to worry how I was
gonna say “borrow“ in French.

Little Red Fawn,
take good care of my litter.

So long, kids.
[Children] Bye, Pa!

Come on, Ma.

Ain't you gonna take ahold of these suitcases?
Oh, I can't, Ma.

My arm's still sore
from that vaccination.

Ain't nothin' wrong with
your right one, is there?

I got the passports
in that one, Ma.

Geoduck, help Ma with the bags.
Sure, Pa.

Pick them up.

[Girl ]
Hey, Ma, you forgot something!

Oh.
[Laughing]

Come on, children.
Come on.

Now, Ma's gonna be missin'
you all while she's away.

They'll give you some trouble,
but they don't mean any harm.

They'rejust like all other kids, I guess.
Full of the dickens.

Iwouldn't take
$10 million for'em.

I wouldn't give a nickel
for another one.

[Children Chattering]

Him stuck.

You oughta
give him a hand.

The handle came off.
We'll have to fix that.

Jonathan, here they come! Yeah.

[Ma Laughing,
Couples Chattering]

You old son of a gun,
you haven't changed a bit!

Hel lo, j onathan.
Ma, how are you?

I wish Tom, Kim and the baby
could have been here.

Kim and the baby are still
visiting Tom in camp.

They send you their love
and wish you bon voyage.

That was nice of'em. Did you wish
them the same thing from us?

Yes, of course.

How was the trip, Ma? Were you sick?
No, but I was afraid to yawn.

In another three-quarters ofan hour, we'll
be winging our way over the Atlantic.

We'll have dinner
on the plane.

[Man On PA] Bus for Idlewild
Airport now loading.

Connections for Paris
and intermediate cities.

That's us, Ma.
Here we go.

You old son of a gun, will we
have a good time in Paris.

Paris, France. Yeah. [Chuckling]

[ Stewardess ]
Fasten your belts, please.

Fasten your seat belts,
please.

Fasten your belt,
please.

Pardon me, sir. Fasten your belt, please.
Don't wear any.

Would it be all right if I
take a tuck in my suspenders?

She means
this belt here.

That's the best supper
I've had since lunch.

What's the matter, Ma? 'Tain't like
you to leave any of your vittles.

Can't finish it. My stomach's rollin'
around like the waves down there.

You ain't lightin' up
that smokestack, are you?

Theyoung lady said it was all right to
smoke the minute we was off the ground.

Here's an old lady
who says you can't.

If you've got to smoke
that smelly thing,

why don't you go back to one of those empty seats?
just as you say, Ma.

But this pipe
is sweet as a nut.

Oh, excuse me.

I'll take it, sir.
Oh, thank you.

Where you going, Pa? Back
here to take a smoke.

Ma's stomach
is a bit skittish.

Don't you feel good, Ma?
I'll be all right.

Pardon me.

Doyou mind if I sit here?
Not at all.

Thanks.
[Sighs]

You see, Ma,
that's my wife,

she don't feel
so good.

She don't want me blowing
smoke in her face,

so if you don't
mind-- Certainly not.

I was just about
to smoke myself.

My name's Kettle,
Pa Kettle.

What's yours?
[Sniffs]

Wade. Adolph Wade. Adolph, eh?

I had a hog
by that name once.

But when Adolph showed up one
day with a litter of pigs,

I had to change his name to “Alice.“
Very interesting, Mr. Kettle.

Pa is the name.
[Sniffs]

Mighty fine
smelling tobacco.

Yes.
Special blend.

You know-- You know,
we're going to Paris.

[Clicks Tongue]
That's fine.

Where are you stopping?

At the Hotel Louis XIV.

You mean
the Louis Quatorze.

No, this is Louis XIV
Hotel, I'm sure.

Mr. Kettle--
Pa's the name.

Pa,you look like a man
who can be trusted.

Been chargin' tobacco at Billy
Reed's store for 25 years.

Good. I want
to give you something.

That is, if you do not
mind doing me a favor.

Always believe
in being neighborly.

Then you will bring this letter
to me in Room 408...

in the Hotel Louis XIV
tomorrow night at 8:00.

Why do you want me to deliver the
letter to you when you already got it?

Mr. Kettle--
I mean Pa.

I've been quite ill.
I get dizzy spells.

Get 'em myself when I lace
my shoelaces too tight.

I was shellshocked
in the First World War.

Uh, sometimes
I don't know what I'm doing.

Don't feel too bad. Ma says
I'm that way all the time.

[Laughs]
It's amnesia.

Ma says with me
it's dumbness.

Mr. Kettle, should anything happen
to me during one of my attacks,

I don't want to lose this
or have it found on me.

It is very valuable.

I can trust you,
can't I... Pa?

Likel said, Billy Reed's been
trustin' me for 25 years...

for tobacco.

By the way, would you like to
try some of my private blend?

It's put up especially for me.
Oh, thanks.

Sure is about time... Huh?

I had a smoke
for myself.

[Air Blowing]

[Airplane Engines Droning]

[Car Horn Honks]

[Bicycle Bell Rings]

[ Horns Honking]

Franklin Kettle.

That's me, but it sure
don't sound right.

Maybe I'd better put down “Pa.“ Oh,
no, I think that'll be all right.

The clerk will remember it.
It'll be all right.

Suite 422 for Madame
and Monsieur Parker.

Suite 419,
Madame and Monsieur Kettle.

I want to see
the cashier.

I want to change some of this
American money into French money.

Would you let me have some francs
for this, please? Sure, sir.

Magnifique!
N 'es t-ce pas?

How did you know
my name was Pa?

Pardon?
You just called me “Pa.”

No, no, no, monsieur.
I said, "Afest-ce pas. ”

I mean your taste,
it is good.

[Sighs] What I wouldn't
give to be 59 again.

You are an American,
no, monsieur?

Well, how'd you guess? A gift.
But, monsieur, we waste time.

I have for you
a wonderful bargain.

Twelve authentic postcards
showing the beauties of Paris.

All for the unheard-of price
of one American dollar.

One dollar, eh?
Twelve for a dollar?

Not bad.

And these postcards are--
how you say--

sensational!

Hellqjonathan. I was just gonna buy
some postals from this young fellow.

I don't think you want
those postals, Pa.

There's a much better selection
over here at the newsstand.

I'm afraid I'll have to
buy them from this party.

After all,
I made a bargain.

Why, he's gone.

Why do you suppose he disappeared so fast?
I can't imagine.

I think we'd better
join the ladies.

What you doin', Ma? Pickin' out
postal cards for the children.

Oh, that's fine, Ma.
You think of everything.

That reminds me, I mustn't forget
to deliver that letter to Mr. Wade.

I hope Pa ain't gettin' mixed up in nothin'.
just bein' neighborly.

We'll have to hurry or we won't
have time to dress for dinner.

600 fiance,
s7! vous plaTt.

Well, I haven't
any francs yet.

You'll just have to put it on the bill.
I'll take care of it.

That's mighty nice of you. Oh, come on.
Come on now, Pa.

Monsieur!

Has he got some change coming?
No.

Monsieur, what would you say
if I tell you how to become...

the most desirable man
in all Paris?

I don't think
you could do it.

They call this
"L fxpectative. ”

Come again?

It means hope.

It means confidence.

I t m ea n s Pexpectatxbn.

Gosh, ifGeoduck and Crowbar
could get a whiffofme now.

[inhales]

Better keep
your eye on Pa.

Looks like he's got a crush
on that pretty salesgirl.

He's old enough
to be her father.

Father? Grandfather! [Chuckles]

[Girls Sighing]
Frank!

[ Girls Swooning]

How did they know
my name was Franklin?

Mon chéri!
Mon petit chou!

[ Swooning]

II est charmant!

[All Swooning]
Frank!

[Girls Shrieking]

[Girls Squealing]

Bonsoir, monsieur.
Bonsoir.

You have Room 408
reserved for Adolph Wade?

Ah, Monsieur Wade.
We almost gave you up.

Have a Mr. and Mrs. Kettle
checked in yet?

0m; quite some time ago. They're
on your floor. Room 419.

Take Monsieur Wade's bags
to Room 408.

Bonsoir, monsieur.

Our information
was correct.

We will wait till
the bellboy leaves,

then we will pay
Mr. Wade a visit.

Oh, I do hope Ma and Pa
have a good time.

[Cork Pops]
[Knocking]

We'll make it our business
to see that they do.

Hello, folks. We're all set
in our best bib and tucker.

- You look simply lovely!
- You'd never think she was the mother of15 kids!

[Chuckling] Come right in,
folks, and join the festivities!

Ma, I simply can't get over
how wonderful you look.

Thanks, Elizabeth. You look
kind of highfalutin yourself.

Folks, we are going to start
the fireworks with champagne.

Well, ain't you got
any buttermilk?

[Chuckles]
Sit down, Pa.

Take a load
off your feet.

[Nervous Laughter]
[Stifling Laughter]

Have a canapé, Ma.

I Ma]
Thanks, Elizabeth.

Pa?

Hmm.
What's this?

It's “cave-iar“! Now, don't go acting
like you don't know what it is.

It'; fish Eggs!
Fish eggs, eh?

I'll tell you something.

I don't think
these eggs are fresh.

[Jonathan]
Ma.

No, thanks.
I'll wait for the buttermilk.

Pa?

Down the hatch, Pa.

[Sighs, Hiccups]

[Ticking]

How do you like
the champagne, Pa?

It sizzles up the nose and tickles
all the way down. [Others Chuckling]

Reminds me of the Saturday
night keg parties...

Lem Tullett used to throw.
[ Hiccups]

Only we didn't have champagne.

We had hard cider.
[ Hiccups]

But Lem didn't really
throw those parties...

'cause you had to pay
for whateveryou drunk.

The boys tell me it was
real good cider though.

[Gasps] Tuckyour bib in, Pa.
[Clock Chiming]

It's 8:00. You'd better deliver
that envelope to Mr. Wade.

That' s fight, Ma.
[ Chiming Continues]

I almost forgot to remember.

It won't take me a minute.
It's right down the hall.

Jonathan, you'd better
go with him.

I'm all right.

[Clicks Tongue]

406.

407.

408.

[Hiccups]

You killed him.
You shouldn't have.

I had to do it.

He wasn't bluffing.

The envelope.

He hasn't got it.

I'm afraid he was
telling the truth.

[ Knocking]

The door is unlocked.

We will put him
behind the sofa.

[ Pa 1
Oh, Mr. Adolph Wade!

I've got your envelope
here for you!

justa minute.

[ Man]
Come in.

He hasn't got that
envelope either.

He's got to have it.
He said he had it.

[ Knocking]

Pa would forget his head
if it wasn't tied on.

Leaving this
in his other suit.

Pa! You in there!

He'd better be in there if he
knows what's good for him!

Will you tuck
that bib in?

How do you expect to give this envelope
to Mr. Wade if you don't take it?

Pa, will you stop playm' possum?
He's unconscious!

No more than usual. He's had
too much of that bubble water!

What happened?

“What happened?“
You had too much too fast!

No, it wasn't
the champagne, Ma.

Somebody must have hit
him over the head. Hmm!

Whatjonathan says
is right, Ma.

I knew this envelope
would get him into trouble.

Who hit ya, Pa?

I don't rightly know. The roof
caved in before I could see him.

[ Knocking] I beg your pardon.
ls Mr. Wade ill?

Father, this isn't Mr. Wade.
No, of course not.

What happened here? That's
what we're trying to find out.

Pa came in here to deliver
this envelope to Mr. Wade,

and somebody smacked him
over the head!

Good heavens. You didn't
see who hit you, Pa?

Oh! My head feels like
it's full of buzzing bees.

I don't think
it could have been Mr. Wade.

My daughter and I saw him leave
the lobby quite some time ago.

Hence my curiosity
when I heard voices in here.

Someone must have known
that he had that letter.

Ma, this is
beginning to add up.

Perhaps I can offer
a suggestion.

There is no need of subjecting your
husband to any more risks, madame.

I'd be more than happy to
deliver the letter to Mr. Wade.

I am Cyrus Kraft,
a very close friend of his.

And this is my daughter, Inez.
Well--

[ Ma Stammering]

Thanks just the same, Mr. Kraft,
but we'll see that he gets it.

Just as you say, madame.

Pa, I guess I'd better cancel the
reservations for the show tonight.

What show are you talking about?
Well, you know.

The one with the beautiful, uh--
the beautiful-- the beautiful...

pictures you saw
in the lobby.

Oh, we oughta go.

Iwouldn't think
of spoiling Ma's fun.

What show are you going
to see, may I ask?

The one at the Cafe d'Ete.
What a coincidence!

We are going there too!

Allow me to take you.

It is only that I want to do
something for my friend Wade.

Won't you be my guests? Your guests!
That's right neighborly of you.

The more the merrier,
I always say.

Kettle's the name, Pa Kettle.
Then we are agreed.

We will change now and-- Father, hadn't we
better report this unfortunate incident?

Of course, my dear.

Please don't worry
about anything.

We'll take care of it.
Come on, Pa!

Meet you later at the café.
Good-bye.

Well, uh...
see you later.

Get] acques!

G; [ Piano Playing]

£3

Steward, there must be some mistake.
We didn't order wine.

Avec les compliments
de Monsieur Kraft.

Mighty fine fellow,
that “Mon-sewer“ Kraft.

Now, watch your bib, Pa. Don't worry, Ma.
I got it snubbed.

G," [ Band Starts Playing]

£3

Mesdemoiselles,
messieurs...

Ie cancan!

£3

,' Une chanson
I es mots 50m' dans man coeur,'

♪ Un petit air léger
monsieur;

,' Un air de va/se
ft me voi/J lancée,'

♪ Tout pour vous plaire
monsieur;

jfgi méme appris
a dzre “non, non " ♪

g,' [ Singing Continues] Look it!
Those are the same girls we saw...

in the hotel lobby,
in the posters.

You got a pretty good memory, haven't you, Pa?
Nothing to it, Ma.

Easy to recognize 'em
by their... faces.

Jvenez donc plus prés
monsieur;

♪ Si vous vouiez mes iévres Si vous vouiez
mes charmes Si vous vouiez mon coeur;

,' Venez don: plus prés
monsieur, monsieur,'

; Oh, dites moi donc
que vous me voulez g;

Hope we didn't
keep you waiting.

No, no, not at all.
And thank you for the wine.

Yeah, that was right
friendly, Mr. Kraft.

Oh, not at all.
My privilege.

I hope the show comes up
to your expectations.

Never was anything like this at Lem
Tullett's Saturday night keg parties.

£3

That's the kind of par/ez-
vous I can understand!

Uh, Mr. Kraft, were you
able to contact Mr. Wade?

No, but I left word that
he couldjoin us here.

By the way, did you bring
the envelope with you?

Oh, I sure did.
It's right here.

I ain't like Pa. I'm
glad you're not, Ma.

£3

£3

Oh,jonathan!
This is like a dream!

[Jonathan] You haven't seen anything yet!
You enjoying yourself, dear?

[ Elizabeth] Mm-hmm. Good. Good.

Mrs. Kettle, mayl have this dance, please?
Oh, my goodness!

I haven't done much outside of
square dancin' since I was a girl.

Don't pay her no mind,
Mr. Kraft.

In her day, she was
a mighty fancy stepper.

Won a cup once
for doin' the hoedown.

Ever had a whirl at that, Mr. Kraft?
Not that I recall.

Go on, Ma. Loosen up
and make whoop-de-do!

Please do, Mrs. Kettle. Now, you stay
here and watch your P's and (Is.

I'd rather watch my par/ez-vous.
[Clicks Tongue]

£3

What's the matter?
[Chuckles]

Forgive me.
I am so carried away.

The music
and you in my arms.

£3

Ma seems to be having a good time.
She sure is.

She's a cutup when
it comes to zingin'.

♪♪
What are you tryin' to do?

I feel like
a Mexicanjumping bean.

This is the rhumba.

Did you lose something?

I thoughtl heard
something drop.

Feel like I've dropped everything
but my upper plate. [ Laughing]

£3

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Kettle.
We must do it again sometime.

Yes, if I can get everything
back in place again.

[jonathan ] You 're quite
a Eng/stepper, Ma.

[Panting]

Ma kind of gave you a workout,
didn't she, Mr. Kraft?

Do you see anything on the menu
that appeals to you?

Don't know. Looks the same
this way as it does the other.

Can't seem to figure
this out, Ma.

Of course you can't.
It's in French.

Suppose we leave it
to the maTtre d'?

It would save
a lot of trouble.

We'll leave it entirely to your good taste.
Mara; monsieur.

Oh, uh, MT. “ Meter-Gee“ 7.
Yes, monsieur?

How does that taste?

I'm afraid that would be
tough, monsieun.

It would? Our? That
is the manager.

Stop showin' off, Pa, and let the man
get our supper. Mara; madame. Merci.

Mercy m you mo,
Mr. Meter-deer.

[ Woman Screaming]

g," [ Band Starts Playing]

£3

£3

£3

That ain't no way to treat a lady!
it's just an act, Ma.

It's all rehearsed.
They're probably man and wife.

£3

Even if they are married, that
don't mean he can beat her up.

[Clapping] Where I come, they
don't treat women that way!

£3

[Audience Murmuring]

♪♪ [Dishes Crashing,
Audience Laughing]

[Laughing]

[ Laughter, Applause Continue]

[ Laughter, Applause]

[ Laughter,
Applause Continue]

Ma, you shouldn't have done that.
Why not?

[ Laughter, Applause Continue]

Here comes
the manager.

Madame was a great
exhibition!

The lady was simply carried
away by your talented artists.

It won't happen again, I assure you.
Please do not apologize.

I am delighted! My guests are
delighted and we are delighted!

Frangois!
Our?

Tell the wine steward to serve my friends
the finest champagne in the house...

and bring
their dinner check to me.

Bien. Mille fois merci, madame!

Mara; messieurs/
Mara; merc/I

Seems to me it was the fellow
Ma tossed into the kitchen...

that should've asked for mercy.
[All Laughing]

[Clock Chiming]

11:00 a.m.
and I ain't dressed yet.

Back in Cape Flattery, we'd have
halfa day's work done by now.

- Who would?
- You would.

Well, that's better.
Now, get up and get dressed.

Better take a bath first Too
many baths are weakening, Ma.

Hmm!

[Knocking]
Who's there?

It K/ona than.
Well, come in.

Ma, Pa, have you seen the morning paper?
[ Door Closes ]

Here, look.
Look at this, Pa.

[Pa]
Why, it's Mr. Wade.

Let me see it, Pa. “Man's
body found in River Seine.

Believed murdered.
Identified as Adolph Wade.“

Too bad.
He was a nice man.

I can't give him
the envelope now.

- You think that envelope had anything to do with this?
- It's quite possible.

It's also possible that Cyrus Kraft and his
so-called daughter are mixed up in it.

Jonathan thinks that Pa should get rid of the envelope.
Get your clothes on, folks.

I have a friend at the
American Consulate,

and we'll take
the envelope to him.

Seems like the right thing to do, Pa.
It's the only thing to do.

We'll meet you
down in the lobby.

[ Door Opens, Closes] Too bad.

lfthe Kettles see this, we are in trouble.
You shouldn't have killed him.

I had no choice.
He was armed.

If you had done a betterjob in disposing
of the body, this wouldn't have happened.

There was no time.
It was almost daylight.

We must get that envelope before
they turn it over to the police.

[ Inez] Quiet! Quiet!

You say Mr. and Mrs. Kettle do not answer?
Oh, they left the hotel?

Do you know when they'll be back?
I see.

No, no, it's all right.
Thank you.

They left 1 O minutes ago with the Parkers.
There's no telling where they went.

It's your business
to find out where.

Check with the cab drivers.
Talk to the hotel doorman.

We will wait
for your call there.

I'm afraid this means
nothing to me whatsoever.

That's why I've asked Commander Fordyce,
our naval attaché, to look at it.

Well! It's part of a missing file.
The important part.

Are you sure?
No question about it.

The file disappeared
from Washington 1 O clays ago.

Wefi/e all been alerted Then, then
you mean it's kind of important?

It certainly is. I only wish I could
tell you how important, Mr. Kettle.

Pa's the name.
Excuse me. Pa.

I can tell you they're plans
vital to your country's defense.

You've earned the nation's gratitude
for turning these papers over to us...

and keeping them out of unfriendly hands.
I hung on to 'em all the time...

except for the time
Ma had 'em for a spell.

And she ain't exactly unfriendly
except after a big day's wash.

Kinda touchy then. Pa, you old son of a gun.
Let me shake hands with a hero.

Oh, it was nothing, Jonathan.
[Fordyce] 0h, Pa?

Yes, sir. Hmm? Oh. [Chuckles]

Congratulations.
Don't mention it.

Pa, you've been under considerable
danger, perhaps without knowing it.

Would you be willing to go on a few
days more now that you know the risk?

Why, of course. It's my
duty, ain't it? Good.

I want you to help us track down the men
behind the theft of this top secret.

I'm your man, Mr. Fordyce.

Like Patrick Henry once said,
“I have but one life...

to give
for my country.“

Nathan Hale said that.

Hale, you say?
You're a smart one, Ma.

Pa, I want you to carry
this envelope...

with dummy plans and let these
people see you with it.

Especially the man Kraft and the
girl Inez you told us about.

When these spies know you're
still carrying the plans,

they'll make desperate attempts to get them.
I'll foil 'em.

No, no, don't do that.
Let them take the plans.

That'll give us the evidence we need
to close in and clean up this ring.

Okay, Mr. Fordyce.
I'm itching to go to work.

Seems to me you're making a guinea pig out of Pa.
A defenseless one.

Not exactly, Mr. Parker. We'll have two of
our best men following Pa clay and night.

Mr. Fordyce, you can
get the bait ready.

[Giggling]
Pa, we're proud of you.

That's right. Youjust said something
that'll go down in history.

Oh, you mean, “You can
get the bait ready“?

No. “I'm itching to go
to work.“ [Laughing]

Here you are.
Now, remember, Pa,

you'll be under
constant surveillance.

And should you feel yourself actually
in danger, call on the men for aid.

However, we'll have more success if the men
following you remain entirely in the background.

[ Ma, Pa] Good-bye. Good-bye,
Mrs. Parker, Mr. Parker.

[Ambassador]
Good luck, Pa.

When Farrell and Harriman return,
tell them I want to see them.

[ Intercom ] They just came in.
All right, send them in.

You sent for us, Commander?

Yes. Come over here.
[ Door Closes]

Take a good look
at that partyjust leaving.

You see them clearly? [
Harriman, Farrell] Yes, sir.

[Fordyce ] Especially
the man in the derby?

That'll be a cinch. There can't be
another man in Paris who looks like him.

He's carrying papers we hope will
smoke out a nest of important spies.

Don't let them out of your sight.
Yes, sir.

Look, Ma.
Oh, that'd look lovely on you.

What do you think, Pa?
Little drafty, ain't it?

[Chuckling] I don't think
they'd have it in my size.

Let's go in and ask. Now, you
two better not wait for us.

After we're through here, Ma and I
are going to have our hair done.

Now don't worry about us. We gotta go out
and smoke out some spies, eh,jonathan?

Now you be careful.

Bye, bye. Pa, how'd you like
to go and see Notre Dame?

Hmm, a little too hot for football, ain't it?
Pa, that's a hot one.

That's what I said. It's
more like baseball weather.

Yeah, yeah.

[Tires Screeching]

[ Traffic Noises]

Hmm, you know.

It's dinnertime
back home.

Well, I could stand something to eat.
Come on. Let's sit down.

[Tires Screeching]

Bonjour, monsieur.
Voilà.

Now don't go ordering the
manager again, Pa. [Chuckling]

You'd better order, Jonathan.
All right. All right.

Mmm! Bring us two orders of
the specialty of the house.

Trés bien, monsieur.

[Sighs]

Yes, Jacques.
At the Café La Cigogne?

Good. Don't leave 'em.
We'll be there.

We must find out
if they know about Wade.

If they do, we must get the plans before
they turn them over to the police.

What if we fail? Then you
will have to get them...

to go to Henri's
perfume shop.

They're here.
Who's here?

Shh. Those two G-men. They're sitting
right over there at the end table.

Well, that's pretty clever.

They really look the part.
You're right, Pa.

Atypical G-man would stand
out like a sore thumb.

Yep,
they're G-men all right.

Don't look now, but there's two
of'em right behind you. Two what?

Shh. Two of the spy gang
Mr. Fordyce was talking about.

They think they're smart, wearing American
clothes, but they ain't fooling me.

Well, you have nothing to worry about.
Fordyce's men are here.

Ahh.

[Sighs]

You know, these things
look awfully familiar.

Escargot bourgignone.
Wait'll you taste 'em, Pa.

Mmm!
[Sighs]

They taste something like the steamed clams Ossie
Doolin used to serve in his dredgin' scow.

[Chuckles] Nice nutty
flavor, haven't they?

Mm-hmm. What do you call these things?
Escargot.

At home,
we call them snails.

I've had plenty, I think.

Well, Mr. Kettle,
how nice to see you.

Won't you join us?
Oh, do sit down.

Where are the ladies? Shopping at
Pierre Leroux's down the street.

If you will excuse me,
I think I'll join them.

I must tell them of a
wonderful perfume shop.

Father, why don't
you stay here?

[ Inez] We'll meet later. [ Cyrus]
A pleasant suggestion, my dear.

Bye, gentlemen.

Did you read
this morning's paper?

Well, uh-- As a matter
of fact, no, we haven't.

Look at that. My, my.
Poor Mr. Wade.

One of my best friends.
A great shock.

Have you any ideas
to the motive?

Maybe it had something to do with the
letter Mr. Kettle's been carrying.

Do you mean this letter? What do you
think Mr. Kettle should do with it?

Well, Mr. Wade had a wife back in
the States whom I knew very well.

I'd be only too glad to mail
it to her, if you so desire.

How stupid of me! I just remember I
have an important meeting to attend.

So, if you'll kindly excuse
me-- Don't you want the letter?

You can give it to me
later at the hotel.

See? We were right.
It is part of his spy gang.

One of them
is following him.

Look, the two G-men
are following Mr. Kraft.

We'd better stay here
and watch him.

Oh.

Here they are!
[Chuckling]

Well.
[Gasps]

Why, Ma,you look simply ravishing!
She's pretty too.

Some difference to her looks than when
she's back home feedin' the chickens.

[Chuckles] Thanks for the flowers, Jonathan.
They're beautiful!

I love mine too. They are the,
um-- the piéce de résistance.

Well, that's funny. The man who
brought 'em said they was orchids.

Well, I guess we're
all set then, huh?

Just a minute, mister.

Say, I've been thinking
about those French postcards.

If you still got 'em,
why, I'd kind of like to, uh--

I make the deal, monsieur, but you
will not open the envelope...

until you get back to America.
Yeah. Here.

Here you are.

Say, Pa, did you
remember to--

Where in tarnation
did he go?

What's he doing over there?
[Screams] Hey, Pa!

Coming, Ma.

Am I gonna have to put a
halter on you? No, Ma.

Just doing a little errand.
Come on.

I'll keep an eye on him, Ma.

Ah, good evening. You are just
in time to take over our cab.

Thank you, thank you. I suppose you're
all kinda broken up about poor Mr. Wade.

Oh, we both feel too dreadful for words.
Oh, Mr. Kraft?

Yes, Mr. Kettle? Do you
want that letter now?

Mm-hmm.

Father, wouldn't it be safer for
Mr. Kettle to keep the letter?

[ Cyrus] I think you
are right, daughter.

But I thought you wanted it? Mr. Kettle,
you are returning to America.

You can personally
deliver the letter...

and extend our condolences
to Mrs. Wade.

Where does she live?
I'll get her address.

Now we must not detain you any longer.
Good night. Good night.

If he's a spy,
he's a lulu.

[ Doorman]
Café Robespierre.

[Engine Starts]

Ur? taxi.

[Blows Whistle]

Aprés ce taxi.

01) son t-i/s al/és? Qui?
C es deux hommes?

Non, non, imbécile! Les deux
dames et les deux messieurs!

Ah! Café Robespierre.
Chez Robespierre?

Oux; monsieur: [Blows
Whistle] A ppe/ez an taxi.

g; [ Band Playing]

£3

Mighty fancy hash-house, I'd call this.
Mighty good eatin' too.

And those fiddle players sure know
how to scrape that horsehair.

Sure is pretty,
ain't it, Ma?

Gives you kind of a flutterin' feelin'.
[Chuckles]

Sounds like the tune I played
for you on the Gramophone...

the night
I proposed to you.

“Till the Sands of the Desert
Grow Cold,“ wasn't it?

No.
“Roamin' in the Gloaminl“

Ma, if anything should happen
to me while I'm being a G-man,

I just want you to know that I thinkyou're
the most wonderful girl in the world.

[Giggling] Oh, nothin' ain't
gonna happen to ya, Pa.

Can't tell. I'm on a pretty
dangerous mission, you know.

Now don't go puddlin' up, Ma.
[Crying]

Oh, now,
go on with you.

[Jonathan ]
Oh, uh, look. Look.

£3

[ Crowd Applauding]

ls there any request you
might like to have us play?

Anything special you'd like to hear, Pa?
Something in keeping with the occasion?

Well, how about, uh,
“Hail the Conquering Hero“?

- I'm sorry, monsieur. We do not
know that number. -[Coughing]

Oh, here comes
our crepe suzettes.

Watch the maTtre d'
make these, folks.

What do we do, eat it or drink it?
[Laughing]

[Jonathan]
You'll see.

Look, Ma.

There are the two spies who followed
me in the restaurant this morning.

- But I ain't scared.
- Well, of course not.

And those G-men
are right behind you.

Those spies can't
put anything over...

on Uncle Sam, or me.

Never thought you
had it in you, Pa.

Hey! Watch out!

Women and children first!
[Laughing]

Oh, monsieur, monsieur, stop! Control yourself!
Control yourself!

They're cooked in
flames on purpose!

- On purpose?
- Certainly, Pa. I'll pay for everything. I'm terriblysorzy.

[Maitre D'] Trés b/en, monsieur.
A fine show you gave us, Pa!

£3

What's the matter, Pa?

Ma, I think I'm getting
one of my hot spells again.

Cricketies!

[Crowd Gasping]

[Crowd Laughing]

[Clock Chiming]

Pa, it's time to get up.

[ Chiming Continues]

Come and get it!

[Groans]
Where's the grub, Ma?

When you snap yourself out
of it, it's downstairs. Oh.

You all dressed
already, Ma?

Where ya gain '? Elizabeth and I are going
with that hussy to buy some perfume.

I thought you didn't trust her.
I don't,

but what's trusting her got to do with it
as long as she can get it for me wholesale?

Better be careful, Ma.

Well, I guess I'd better
get some duds on.

You're taking a bath. The
maid's filled the tub for ya.

But I gotta keep
all the strength I've got...

for this dangerous
mission I'm on.

Mission or no mission,
you're gonna take a bath!

[ Compress Sloshing]

Well, all right.

But if I get a fainting spell,
it'll be all your fault.

Ah. Good morning, Elizabeth.
Ma!

Hello, Miss Kraft. I'm all set.
But, Mr. Kettle? Pa?

[Laughing] Land sakes, Pa can't
go no place the way he is.

Well, we can wait for him.
Miss Kraft, you don't know Pa!

He likes to borrow,
but he don't like to shop!

Oh, but I'm so disappointed.
Well, if we're gonna go,

let's get goin'. Uh, well, maybe
we could phone him later.

[Engine Stops]

Here we are, ladies. We may need you
to carry things. 0m; madame/sells.

- Hello, Henri.
- Mademoiselle Kraft! What a delightful surprise.

I brought my friends because of the
liberal discount you gave me last year.

Will you make the same
arrangement now?

Certainement,
mademoiselle.

I have a more exclusive selection
in the other room, ladies.

This way, please.

Hmm, that's funny.

I thought that door
was made out oflookin' glass.

It is, from the other side.

From this room we can see what's
going on in the other room,

but they cannot see us. Why
do you need such precaution?

Why didn't you bring Mr. Kettle along?
Mrs. Kettle is going...

to phone him
to join us here.

Will somebody tell me what these
shenanigans are all about around here?

The idea is this, Mrs. Kettle.

We are going to hold
both of you as hostages...

until we get that letter
Mr. Wade gave to your husband.

Well, Pa's got it, I ain't!
Sol gathered.

I'll get him on the phone for you. You are
going to tell him to bring that letter here.

Hotel Louis Quatorze please. You will
make it urgent, won't you, Mrs. Kettle?

Hmm. I should have known better than to trust
a woman with black hair and blonde roots!

Mr. Kettle, please.
Mrs. Kettle?

Hello! Pa?

Yeah.
Yeah, this is Pa.

Where you at, Ma?

I see.

415 Rue de Rivoli.

Mm-hmm.
Huh?The letter?

For heaven's sake, Ma, what do you want the letter for?
You know there's nothing in it.

Now, Pa, don't argue! You
gotta bring that letter here!

Tell him to come alone. [Gasps]

And Pa, you come alone.

I don't care if you have got a
date withjonathan! Bust it!

What's that? Listen! The Eiffel
Tower'll still be there!

Jonathan, that-- that was Ma, but she
don't make sense. What do you mean. Pa?

Well, she told me to bring the
letter to 415 Rue de Rivoli.

Said I was to bust a date I had
with you to see the Eiffel Tower.

Well, we-- we had no date.

I get it! It was Ma's way of
making sure you'd tip me off!

She couldn't talk,
she was being intimidated!

Butjonathan, I've already
seen the Eiffel Tower.

Pa! It means that Ma and
Elizabeth are in trouble!

Trouble? Well, what are
we standing here for?

The G-men.

Come on, fellows.
Follow us.

We're in trouble too. Those
spies are still following us.

415 Rue de Rivoli! Quatre
cent quinze Rue de Riva/I.

[Blows Whistle]

Follow that cab! Vite!

[Blows Whistle]

Sui vez ce taxi!

01) son t-i/s al/és? Qui?
C es deux mess/burs?

No! I e type aver
le chapeau melon.

Ah! Quatre cent quinze
Rue de Rivoli.

A ppe/ez an taxi Vite!
[Blows Whistle]

[Blows Whistle]

Jonathan, those crooks
are still following us.

Yes, and those G-men
are nowhere in sight!

- Faster, driver, faster!
- Eh, monsieur?

Uh, Vite! lfite!
Uh, our; monsieur: Our'.

Stop that noise!
You make me nervous!

There's nothing to be nervous about, ladies.
I assure you.

Unless Mr. Kettle fails you.
Hmm!

[Blows Whistle]

[Tires Screeching]

I thinkwe lost 'em, Jonathan.
Good. Good!

[Blows Whistle]

[Tires Squealing]

There! There's
a police station! Stop!

Now, Pa, get all the policemen
you can and hurry!

Meek me
at M '5 Rue de Hue“!

[D00r5huts] All right.
Al/e; al/ez Vite. Vite!

[ Panting] Ma's in trouble, boys!
I mean, my wife!

Follow me!

[Speaking French]

Spies! Spies!

Come on!
Hurry, will you?

It's life or death!
Spies!

They take pictures
of the fort!

Click-click! Click-click!
Click-click!

Ah, oui!
Click-click. Click-click.

Ah, you understand!
Let's go ahead, boys!

Spies! They--
They blow up bridges!

Don't ya understand?

Look.

Bomb. Bomb.

[imitates Sizzling Fuse]

Boom!

Oh! Zut alors! L'Américain, I!
est un idiot! Arrétez-le!

[Clamoring]

[Tires Screeching] Keep going!
Don't stop!

Go! Passed Vamoose!
Oh!

[Tires Squealing]

[Tires Squealing]

[Clamoring]
[ French]

Now, don't go puddlin' up,
Elizabeth!

Foryour sake, Mrs. Kettle, I hope
your husband will be here soon.

He'll be here!
Keep your shirt on!

You can't hurry Pa.

Ow!
Ow!

He's taking
too much time. Maybe--

Maybe he's not coming at all!
Oh, Henri, keep quiet.

Suppose he became suspicious and
went to the prefect of police?

Be of no concern,
friends.

If we see any indication
of trouble through that glass,

our guests, afterjacques has clone
his work, will simply vanish.

[ Horn Honking]

[ Police Whistle Blowing]

Mr. Kettle, at last!

Pa. Pa! Pa! We're in
here in the back room!

Stop him!
Pa!

Save yourself, Mrs. Kettle. He can
neither hear you nor see you.

[Whistles]

[Whistles]

[Clamoring]

Just a minute!
Where's Ma?

[Groaning]

Atta boy, Pa!

Where is she?
Where's Ma?

Boys, it was the only way I
could get ya to follow me.

My wife's in here,
and she's in trouble!

Jacques, throw 'em in!

[Screams]
Ma! Ma!

[Groaning]

[jonathan ] Pa! Pa! This man will
tell ya I'm speaking the truth!

Arrest those men! They're spies!
What are you talking about?

- Do spies carry credentials like these?
- [Pa] Gee whiz!

Real G-men.
Heavens to Betsy!

Nous travaillons avec la
préfecture de police. Trés bien.

We gotta save Ma!
Ma!

Ma, how we gonna
open that door?

Huh!
That's easy!

[ Glass Breaking] Pa, come on in!
It's all 0 verl

Jonathan!
Elizabeth!

Oh, Elizabeth.

Oh. Are you all right?

[Laughing] Oh, Pa!
Bless your heart!

Am I glad to see you!

I'm glad I got here in time
to save ya, Ma. [Gags]

Mr. Kettle, you've done a wonderful
service to your country.

Congratulations.
Oh, that's all right.

Any red-blooded American would
have done the same thing.

[Chuckling]
You know, it's funny, but...

all along we thought you
two fellows were the spies.

[All Laughing]
Th-That's right.

We thought these two were the G-men.
Posing as G-men, eh?

G-men?
Certainly not.

Then why
were you following us?

Pardon, madame. lam André
and this is Chef Chantilly.

And, madame...

this is the greatest French
dressing in the world.

French dressing? We thought we would
like you to manufacture it in America...

and we would go,
what you say, 50-50.

Promoters!
Get 'em out of here!

Allez, allez, filez!
Dépéchez-vous!

You and your Marshal Plan. Bah!

[All Laughing]

You, uh, bring 'em?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure.

You talkum
too much!

You look mighty
pretty, Ma...

and mighty Frenchy too.
[Giggling]

It'll be nice acting
like those Paris-ites.

♪♪ [Tone] What'd you
do that for, Ma?

From now on, that's the way
we're gonna call the ki--

children to dinner.

♪♪ [Ascending Tones]

JM Descending Tones]

I'm gonna have culture in this house
if I have to beat it into 'em!

Come and get it!

[Children Clamoring]

Hmm.

You know, Pa,
to coin a new saying,

“There's no place
like home.“ Home.

And it takes a heap of coin
to keep a home too, Ma!

[Both Laughing]