Ma and Pa Kettle at Waikiki (1953) - full transcript

Ha. Couldn't take it!

For goodness sake, Ma. Why do you

wash on a hot day like this?

Things get dirty on hot days

same as they do cold.

Be a lot easier if Pa'd fix

the washing machine.

You might at least turn on the air conditioner.

It's busted too!

Everything's busted around here...

including the family.

Whew!

I've been after Pa

to fix things.

Said he'd take care of'em,

but today he had to go out

and swing somethin'.

Now, what in the world

would he be swingin'?

Dear Cousin Rodney,

as usual, I'm working like a

beaver back here in the states.

Just closed a deal

for the First National Bank.

You bought First National

Bank in last letter.

Make it the Second.

Gotta keep on expanding.

Crowbar, there's a horsefly

just over my right ear.

Why every time you write your

cousin, you tell same big lies?

Oh, I ain't lyin',

just exaggeratin'.

Ma don't know I'm doin' it,

but Rodney is rich

and successful.

Owns a factory and a mess

of pineapples in Honolulu.

[ Pa ] Me and Rodney both courted

Ma when we were young sprouts.

I got Ma, and Rodney

took the pineapples.

Done so good with 'em,

he never come back here.

No harm letting him think

I done just as good.

Can't have him thinkin ' Ma made a

mistake marrying me instead of him!

Yes, sir!

May be hard to believe,

but over in Honolulu...

a member of the Kettle family

is wallowin' in money,

takin' life easy

with never a care in the world!

[Man] Stop that hammering Stop

that confounded hammering!

Get this through your head, Coates. You're not gonna

get my factory at that price or any other price!

As per our conversation, close

pineapple crop at price quoted.

Rodney Kettle doesn't need

anything from anyone!

You're already in hock.

We've talked to the bank.

They won't lend you a quarter.

You're crazy!

Not you, Foster!

Get the labels here by tomorrow

or cancel the order!

11:47, Mr. Kettle. Time for

your blood pressure pill.

I'm trying to give you a chance

to get out with a little cash.

When I need money,

the bank is at my disposal!

Letter to

Faulkner Tin Company.

Don't give us any of that.

Get out!

No, not you. We'll be back,

Kettle, to take over.

[Phone Ringing]

Come on, let's go.

Hello. [Rodney] What about those

papayas I ordered ten days ago?

Hello, Rodney. Came over from the

bank right after the meeting.

No, you idiot, bananas won't do!

Get me papayas!

Careful, Mr. Kettle.

Remember your blood pressure.

[ Ringing] Oh, no, no!

Finish what you started.

Tell them to call later.

Mr. Kettle's in conference.

What about the loan? I need the cash.

The board turned you down.

What?

The bank refused to lend me a measly million?

They feel you're a bad risk.

Bad risk? I'm the best risk

your bank ever had!

Without my account, you'd be out of business.

Take it easy, Mr. Kettle.

Don't get excited.

I'll get as excited as I please.

[Groaning]

Fresh water.

Get Dr. Fabian.

His digitalis

is in the second drawer.

As your doctor, I say

you can't stand the pace.

You'll simply have to put someone

else in charge for a while...

or I won't be

responsible.

Rodney, with another capable

man in charge temporarily,

I might persuade the board

to advance the loan.

Where can I find a man...

with the brains, the nerve,

the iron will?

P.A. Kettle!

Who?

His cousin back in the States.

That's a great idea!

He's a big operator, Fulton.

An empire builder.

Boundless energy, drive,

uncanny foresight.

Oh, what's the use?

I'll never be able to drag him

away from all his activities.

He's a Kettle, isn't he?

It'll be a challenge to him.

You're absolutely right, Bob. He

won't turn me down. He can't.

Where's his last letter?

Oh, here it is.

“Just brought in two oil gushers

on the south 40.

Gave one to Phoebe and one to the kids.

They love to play in oil!“

[Laughing] That isn't all. He's

got cattle, banks, lumber!

He owns half the state of Washington.

That's good enough for me.

Get him over to take charge, and

I'll guarantee you'll get the loan.

Come in immediately.

[ Women] Remy Mr. Kettle. Take a letter.

My dear cousin--

Kill it.

I'll cable him.

P.A. Kettle, Cape Flattery. No,

too impersonal. I'll phone him.

Cancel the call. It's too easy

to turn me down on the phone.

You, Bob! You take the next plane to

the states and bring him backyourselfl

That's a must!

You hear me? A must!

Now, on your way, and don't fail!

Yes, sir!

Stop that

confounded hammering!

All out.

What we do next?

Ask Pa.

Pa, we got this thingamajig

all apart.

How we get 'em back

together again?

Don't rush me. I'm... studying

the blueprint right now.

Thinkyou can fix machine, Pa?

Nothing to it.

I'll figure it out.

I took Benjamin's watch apart once, and

I put it right smack together again.

Did it work? Well, he

don't get lost no more.

I changed it into a compass.

[Humming]

This is one time I envy people with

modern homes and cooling systems.

If you're hinting that we stop

at the Kettles' place, forget it.

Cooling system or no

cooling system.

Excuse me.

Ma Kettle gets me

hot under the collar.

I seem to be lost. Can you tell

me where P.A. Kettle lives?

P.A. Kettle? The only Kettles

we know live down this street.

Is he the industrialist?

Ha! If you call having children an industry.

If you care to join us,

we... we might be going there.

I'd be delighted.

Thank you very much.

Whew! Soon as I complete

my business course,

I'm gonna get a job

and help with the bills.

You wouldn't have to if your Pa'd get the

lead out of that hammock and go to work.

Oh, my cookies!

Just in time.

They're perfect.

We better find someplace to put them

before the kids find out about them.

No matter what you do,

they'll find out.

[Sniffing]

They got noses, ain't they?

[Shouting]

See what I mean?

No difference what you want,

it's too hot for it.

We want to go to summer camp.

School's getting off.

I've already given you

2O reasons why you can't go.

First, we ain't got the money.

The other 19 don't count.

Oh, Ma!

Howdy, Rosie.

What's going on?

Mmm! Still warm. You shouldn't be eatin' this.

It'll spoil your dinner.

Aw, Pa! As spokesman for

your children, Pa--

just a minute, Benjamin.

You're part Ma's too!

We gotta be fair

about these things.

She won't let us go to camp, Pa.

You make her!

Force ain't quite the way

to handle it, Billy.

You can catch more flies with

sugar than you can with vinegar.

I don't care how you catch the flies.

They're stayin' here, and that's final!

Aw, Ma!

Well, I did my best!

[ Benjamin] Come on. Let's

go play in the sprinklers.

Hold on there, Pa! You can make

yourself useful by settin' the table.

I'd like to, Ma, but I gotta finish

hookin' up the coolin' system.

It breaks me all up to see you

suffering in the heat like this.

This is the Kettle house.

Thanks again.

But I thought you were coming in.

Now that you mention it--

Come on, Birdie! At least

we'll be out of the heat.

Oh, all right!

But personally, I'd prefer being

under a nice, cold shower.

What's that? Oh! Oh, no!

[Screaming]

It's those Kettle brats!

I'll find the valve.

[Shouting]

[ Doorbell Ringing] First the washing

machine, then the cooling system.

Now, the bell's stuck!

Well, I'll declare!

Birdie and Miss Pennyfeather,

just dripping of perspiration.

Didn't know it was that hot.

Don't be cute!

Those children of yours

turned the sprinklers on us.

Are you gonna steam off or come

inside and dry off? If I catch cold--

Oh, for goodness sake, get in the kitchen

before you wash the flowers out of my carpet.

There's the man who chased us

out of the sprinklers!

I really wasn't chasing them,

it's just--

You seem to have gotten more

water on yourself than they did.

It's a problem keeping 14 youngsters

in check on a hot day, or any day.

AW!

You mean, Mr. Kettle has 14 children?

Fifteen including me.

I'm Rosie Kettle.

How do you do?

I'm Bob Baxter.

I came from Honolulu to see

your father on urgent business.

Urgent business?

My father?

Well, come on. Let's see

if we can find him.

Oh, oh! Your family is a

disgrace to the neighborhood.

Just because you ain't got a

husband and kids, Birdie Hicks,

no use a-runnin' down folks

that has.

Pa Kettle is some husband

to hold up as an example!

Anyway he's a man, and that's more

than you've been able to get.

I wouldn't trade Pa for any other man

in the world!

You callin' me, Ma?

Pa Kettle, you get out of here.

We aren't even dressed!

I can't see it makes

any difference.

Got the cooling system

all hooked up.

Figure it'll work

all right now.

[ Fan Blowing]

Pa, this month'll be gone

before you know it!

Turn that off!

Quick!

Guess I must've

got it in backwards.

Poo“

[ Laughing] You sure fixed

those two sourpusses!

[ Door Slams]

Disgrace to

the neighborhood!

[Rosie] Pa, there's somebody here to see you.

You help me clean up this mess.

I can't, Ma.

You heard Rosie.

Cleaned the vent for you, Ma.

Yeah... thanks.

Pa, this is Mr. Bob Baxter. He has

something wonderful to tell you.

How do you do, sir? I've traveled

2,000 miles to meet you.

You did? You must be tuckered out.

Sit down. Thank you, sir.

Pa, Mr. Baxter is the assistant general

manager to Cousin Rodney in Honolulu.

You don't say!

Will you excuse me? I can hardly

wait to tell Ma the news.

Wonderful girl, sir.

So vibrant, so alive!

Takes after me,

some folks say.

Well, well,

so you work for Cousin Rodney.

How's his liver these days?

That's all right, I believe.

It's his heart

that's causing the trouble.

I knew it was some part of the giblets.

It ain't serious, I hope.

No, but his doctor has ordered

him to take a long rest.

That's good advice. I try to get

some myself whenever I can.

Your cousin Rodney wants you to come

to the islands and manage his company.

I couldn't do that! He's counting on you.

He needs your judgment, your--

Well, all the things that

stand out in your letters.

Oh, my goodness.

I just as soon you didn't mention

those letters to Ma or Rosie.

They might think I was braggin'.

just as you say.

I appreciate

your modesty.

Hawaii. Waikiki.

Palms swaying

in the moonlight.

Oh, it's just too romantic

and wonderful!

Ma, do you think Pa'll go?

He will if I have anything

to say about it... and I do!

Hello there.

I'm Ma Kettle.

A pleasure and a privilege. I was just

offering your husband a proposition.

I know all about it.

We accept.

Don't be hasty, Ma.

I was figurin' doin' a heap of work

around here this summer.

Figurin' and doing's

two different things!

Your husband has

a crowded calendar.

Cousin Rodney could never

pay for his time.

But this check for

expenses-- Two thous--

And there'll be a generous stock bonus when P.A.

puts the plant back on its feet.

Who, me?

Pa?

Gee, the kids will be able to

go to camp, and then we can go.

I'm stayin' right here like I said,

and nothin's gonna make me budge.

[Gasps]

But, Ma, there's something about this

whole shenanigan you don't understand.

I understand it's a chance

for Rosie to learn something,

a chance for the kids

to go to a camp,

a chance for me to see something

besides a washboard...

and for you to make something

out of yourself.

But, Ma.

Up to now, Pa Kettle,

you've been shiftless,

lazy careless,

good-for-no thin '--

Careless?

You're just like Rodney.

I still got faith in you.

You're gonna take this job

and make us proud of you,

or we just might pick up

and leave you.

You don't mean that,

do you, Ma?

I sure do!

That does it then.

Then we're goin'

to “Hiwaii“?

I suppose so.

Looks that way.

Press the button that raises

the window and come to bed.

Nothing's gonna stop you, Pa.

You're goin' right up to the top!

Pa! Pa! Pa!

Point game!

Service!

Excuse me, Pa.

I didn't mean to hit ya, but you

got in the way of my serve.

What you been doin' all morning?

Enjoying myself.

Sure a lot of things to see

on this trip.

All you've seen so far

is the inside of your hat.

Well, I gotta get my rest

if I'm gonna work.

Say, Ma, there's somethin' I gotta

tell you about Rodney and thisjob.

Don't tell me now.

I'm exercisin'!

You ain't doin' all this exercisin'

and stuff for Rodney, are you?

Oh, 'course not.

What put that in your head?

Oh, I was just thinking.

Maybe you was tryin' to look

the same as you did...

when Rodney and me was courtin ' you.

Go on with you, Pa!

Have a banana, Ma? Don't mind if I do.

Oh, no, better not.

That proves it. You're

trying to reduce for Rodney.

I'm just tryin' to keep my hips

down so I can get in my new dress.

Well, better be careful you don't

bust something. [Bones Creaking]

You ain't no gazelle,

you know.

Sea air sure

does somethin' for ya!

No doubt about it, Pa. Travel

really broadens a person.

Meetin' people and seein' things makes

you spread out. [Creaking Continues]

Maybe this trip will make

you change your whole life.

Pa! Wake up!

What's... wrong?

We ain't sinking, are we?

You haven't heard a thing I've been sayin'.

I heard every word.

What'd I say? You said,

travel makes you kinda broad.

Eatin' makes you spread out.

And maybe this trip will

make me... change my wife.

You gotta do better than that

when we get to “Hiwaii.“

Do you mind if I sit down here?

Gee whiz.

New shoes sure make

my feet sore.

I'd as soon have a toothache

as a foot ache!

My name's Kettle, Ma Kettle.

What's yours?

Mrs. Fulton Andrews.

Glad to know you. Ain't

seen you around the deck.

I've been in my cabin most of the trip.

I've a very delicate stomach.

Ohh! That's too bad.

I can eat anythin'.

Salt pork, sardines, liver

and onions-- Phrase'!

I'll bet if I could cook

a couple of meals for ya,

I'd put

your stomach in shape.

I don't doubt it.

You're the wife of

that peculiar little man...

who sleeps on deck, area 1:' you?

That's Pa!

He's goin' over to Honolulu

to take over a big factory.

How interesting.

Does he sleep all the time?

[Chuckles] Oh,just about...

except around mealtime.

But put a fork in his hand with a pork

chop on it, and he'll come to all right.

Oh, that's my daughter.

[Shouts] Hello, Rosie!

Oh, hi, Ma.

Say, that's Teresa Andrews, wife of

the president of the Honolulu Bank!

I didn't know she was on board. Trust

Ma to make friends with everybody.

If you see Pa, tell him I want him.

Okay Ma.

Here he is now, Ma.

Come down here, Pa. I want you to

meet a lady Be down in a jiffy, Ma.

Excuse me.

I think I see a friend.

Oh, don't run away.

Pa'll be right down.

I... beg pardon.

[Screams]

Hey! Pa!

[ Ma I Get outta there!

You'll get all wet.

Howdy. Pleased to meet you.

Oh, you! You!

When the boat docks this

afternoon, you've got to meet P.A.

And I'd better not miss

meeting Mrs. Andrews.

Don't worry.

We'll be there.

I'm looking forward to seeing the

Kettles again after all these years.

Especially Phoebe.

Oh, once over lightly,

Rob, and hurry, please.

Very well, Mr. Kettle.

Same for me.

I'll call a director meeting for tomorrow

morning so that P.A. can start nght in.

Put it back.

I wonder if by any chance

P.A. bumped into Mrs. Andrews.

Very likely. I reserved

a cabana here for P.A.

Why don't you and Teresa drop in and say hello?

That's a good idea.

Meantime, we're drawing up papers for P.A.

to sign agreeing to manage the factory.

After I send them, you've got to get

his signature within 24 hours...

or you'll have to do business with

Coates on his terms. Let it alone.

That doesn't give us

much time.

The papers won't be ready

for a couple of days,

but that's

the bank's ultimatum.

P.A.'s signature within

24 hours or no loan.

But, sir, I haven't finished.

Yes, you have.

It's been a wonderful trip.

I'll never forget it.

Did I have anything to do with making it wonderful?

Just about everything.

I... don't know how

to thank you.

I do!

[ Ship's Whistle Blowing]

Sure glad I brung my own

radio from home, Ma.

I'm used to it,

and it's used to me.

Nice sightseeing trip Rodney

took us on this afternoon.

The scenery was all right. I wished we

could've made it in a car instead of on foot.

You should've brung

your old shoes.

How'd I know we was gonna

traipse all over the island?

I swearl got blisters

big as a saddle blanket.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

See who it is, Pa. I can't

do two things at once, Ma.

Who is it?

Bob!

Be right with you, Bob.

Zip me up, Ma.

Hurry.

Thanks, Ma.

Good night. Good night, Pa.

[Ma] Have a good time, honey.

Hi. Sorry I couldn't let you in,

but Ma's dressing.

Rosie, you look lovely!

Thank you.

[Hammering]

Stop that hammerin'!

It makes my feet hurt more.

Got it all hooked up. Little

music'll take your mind off'em.

There.

That's better.

Looks just like home,

don't it, Ma?

If I wanted things to look

like home, I'd have stayed there.

That's funny. Always

starts her up at home.

Must be that japanese

current I read about.

That japanese current happens to

be in the middle of the ocean.

You don't say! That's a funny

place for it, ain't it?

I guess it musta got jarred

on the boat comin' over.

[Knock on Door]

Come in!

Well, well,

how's the little--

What's the trouble,

Phoebe dear, touch of cold?

No.just that my feet

are swelled up a little.

I don't suppose you could slip into

something a little more formal.

Fulton Andrews and his wife are

dropping over to pay their respects.

That's real friendly. We have

to dress again after supper?

P.A., Fulton's president of the bank.

A business associate.

His wife is very social.

They're impossible people. I don't see

why we have to continue the association.

Aw, for heaven sakes, Teresa,

be yourself!

He's an important man with important money.

I want it in my bank.

On second thought, don't be yourself.

Be nice.

Well!

That must be them.

Get a shirt, P.A.

You better put something

over your feet, Phoebe clear.

Why?

Ain't she never had sore feet?

Why, Teresa, Fulton,

come right in.

Phoebe, this is Mr. Fulton

Andrews and his charming wife.

Mrs. Kettle and I have met.

We sure have! Hiya, Tessie!

Fulton, I was once madly in love

with this enchanting lady.

Now, go on with you, Rodney.

I can understand that perfectly.

Where is your husband?

[Shouts]

Pa, come on in!

Company's here.

[ Gasps ]

Just gettin' into my shirt

when Ma called.

Better heat up the pot, Ma. Won't

do you no good unless it's hot.

Ow! Pa, take it easy! I just want

to soak my feet, not boil 'em.

P.A., this is Mr. Fulton Andrews,

president of our largest bank.

Uh--

Ah, nice to meet you.

It's a great privilege, P.A.

Pa's the name. You and Teresa

met on board, I understand.

Believe we did.

In the pool, wasn't it?

Teresa just dropped in to invite Mrs. Kettle

to a cocktail party at our home.

That's real neighborly of her. Give me a chance

to wear my new dress with the high collar.

That's impossible, Fulton. Nonsense!

One more won't matter.

If you could be there

about 4:00?

I'll be there, Tess. I always

did like to go to parties.

We better be leaving.

I have one of my headaches.

Stay right here.

I can fix that in a jiffy.

No, really.

I'd rather--

I learned from a medicine show man.

Came to our town when I was a girl.

Please don't trouble.

It'll go away.

Oh, no it won't!

It's no trouble at all.

Pa can tell ya. I'm pretty good at curing

up headaches, earaches, chilblains.

I'll be all right the minute I get

out in the fresh air. Sit down!

Ma knows all the cures. Keeps me in

perfect shape. Stop bragging Pa.

Let Tessie relax. Just take

a deep breath and let go!

[Cracking Noise]

[Screams]

♪♪ [ “Tiger Rag“]

I knew she'd work! Fulton,

help me get out of here!

Turn that darn thing down!

Please turn it down a little.

[Pa] Can't turn it down.

Knob's busted. Is that all?

You'll be feeling fine in--

Doggone!

I forgot to go into reverse!

[Cracking]

There! That

oughta make you feel good.

Never fails.

Cures me every time.

Fulton, take me out of this madhouse!

She was only helping you.

She'll see you tomorrow.

Good night, P.A. Pa's--

Coming, Rodney?

In a minute, Fulton.

Seemed in sort of a hurry

to get away, didn't they?

Don't mind that, P.A. Fulton's a little eccentric.

You know how bankers are.

I've called a board meeting at 9:00 tomorrow.

That seems a little early.

Don't worry, Rodney, he'll be there.

That's fine.

P.A., don't wear your sport clothes.

Wear what you wear every day to work.

Good night.

Good night.

[indistinct Chatting]

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning, Rodney.

[Gavel Pounding]

Gentlemen, you're gathered to meet one of

the most successful men in the States...

who has generously come to save

our company in time of crisis.

His sensational ideas

might seem eccentric.

But our salvation lies

in following his lead,

riding with his ideas,

walking as he walks.

Howdy.

Who's the tramp? Shh!

That's P.A. Kettle.

That's the new boss?

That's it.

Howdy, gentlemen.

Over here, P.A.

Gentlemen, my cousin Frank,

better known as P.A. Kettle.

How do you do, Mr. Kettle?

Name's Pa.

Nice little set

you got here.

Just a little thing I picked up for you.

Noticed yours wasn't playing too good.

Well, now, that's mighty

neighborly of you, Rodney.

[Clears Throat]

Gentlemen, let's proceed.

Somethin' wrong?

I think maybe

it's your hat, P.A.

Had it for 22 years.

Couldn't do a lick of work without

it sitting right here on my head.

Well, if that's the way you

got where you are today--

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen,

let's settle down.

The meeting

will now come to order.

Once more, Rodney.

All right, fellas. Thejob we've

done on the island is okay.

All we've got to do

is get P.A. over there.

Don't worry. We'll get him there.

No rough stuff.

We don't want to start an investigation.

We'll go easy on him.

Just keep him happy for a couple of days, and we're in.

What kind of a job is this?

You want us to collar this character, only

it ain't supposed to look like a grab.

And we gotta be nice to him.

I don't get it.

I just want him kept out of circulation for 48 hours.

That's all you need to know.

Oh, and don't let this guy

throw you.

He may look like a hick,

but he's dynamite.

This is our vat decompression room.

[Radio: Hawaiian]

Each vat decompresses

at different intervals.

There is no mixing of juices, each juice

retaining its individual flavor.

In the old days, it took a separate

day to squeeze each fruit...

with a complete cleaning

of presses.

This lever does it automatically

taking the place of five men.

- Very interesting, isn't it?

- Sure is.

Mighty nice of you

to give it to us.

Ma always wanted a portable to

set on the washing machine.

[ Music Continues]

Oh, yeah, that's very good, P.A.

I must tell that to Teresa.

Come on.

This is the receiving bin. From here, the

fruit is taken to the cleansing room.

Come on along.

In there we have

the testing and tasting room.

Each juice is personally tested and tasted

before it goes to the sealing room.

Don't you think we'd better

dispense with the, uh--

I mean,you can hear me

all right, P.A.?

It's okay, Rodney.

I can hear it fine.

[ Music Continues]

Couldn't they speed things up

a little, Rodney?

The assembly line is

my department, Fulton.

Note to the department heads:

clean underneath the tables.

After the core is taken out of the fruit,

it's given a final inspection here, P.A.

It does seem to me they

could move a little faster.

Are you still on that subject?

I was merely pointing out...

that by increasing working pace,

we could double production.

[Rodney] I've been running

this firm for 20 years.

If there were any steps to increase

production, I would've taken them!

You run your bank and leave

plant operations in my hands.

Maybe P.A. would have a suggestion. That's

what you brought him over here for.

Very well. lf it'll make you

feel better, I'll consult him.

I was wondering if you have any method

at home to speed up your workmen.

Pretty hard to speed up Geoduck and Crowbar.

Give it some thought.

It seems our workmen are

lagging behind in production.

I'll think about it soon as I

get my shoe tied. Thanks, P.A.

♪♪ [ Swing]

For goodness sakes, P.A.!

P.A., will you at least

show me a little consideration?

I'm showing you the factory

that means everything to me!

Everything I've got

is tied up in this enterprise.

I want you to know everything about

it so you can take over immediately.

You're absolutely right.

Nice tune, ain't it?

It's a miracle, P.A.! What did you do?

Stepped up the volume.

Stepped it up?

You doubled it, tripled it! Look!

Look!

It's pure genius! A simple thing like

music, and we never thought of it.

It's terrific, Mr. Kettle. Make a note:

loudspeakers in every department.

It's wonderful, stupendous,

colossal!

Congratulations, P.A.!

How did you ever hit on it?

Oh, wasn't nothin' no red-blooded

American wouldn't've done.

And there she was, my dears, dressed in something

that must have been bought at a fire sale,

soaking her feet in some sort of

evil-smelling brine, and-- Ouch!

And that emaciated leprechaun that Fulton

thinks will put the factory on its feet...

was running around half-naked in underwear

that must've come over on the Mayflower.

Evidently he had been

wearing it ever since.

Because-- Oh!

Do be more careful, Doreen.

Every muscle in my neck is

simply screaming with agony.

It must've been a frightful

experience, Teresa dear.

Mama thought she'd never see her

precious little Hookie-Hookie again.

I'm quite upset at the thought of meeting her,

though Edward says they're filthy with money.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

As my closest friends,

I do hope you'll all bear

with me in this tribulation.

Of course we will, Teresa. That's

what friends are for, dear.

A Mrs. Ma Kettle

is calling, madam.

Show her in, Bradley.

That'll be all for now, Doreen.

I'll never forgive Fulton

for putting me through all this.

Do stop fiddling with that lamp.

I'll call when I want you again.

Mrs. Kettle.

Hiya, Tess!

Am I late for the shindig?

So nice of you to come.

You asked me, didn't ya?

May I present Mrs. Lawrence,

Mrs. Hill,

Mrs. Walter

and Miss Epplewhite.

Pleased to meet you all. How

do you do, Mrs. Kettle?

Won't you sit down?

Don't mind if I do.

Any of you with bunions know

how they can bite on a hot day.

Will madam have

some refreshment?

Why don't you whistle when you

come pussyfootin' around?

Like to scared the gizzard

out of me.

Bradley wants to know

what you'd care to drink.

A glass of cold buttermilk if

you've got it handy.

Buttermilk?

Best drink in the world on a hot clay.

Cools you off in a jiffy.

Yes, indeed, madam.

Shall I serve the hors d'oeuvres,

Mrs. Andrews?

Yes, Bradley.

Have you heard that delightful recording

of Tchaikovsky's “Prelude in 'E' Sharp?“

I've ordered it

from the mainland.

Anything of Tchaikovsky's

is fascinating!

I've heard this new rendition by the

Manhattan Symphony is the last worn'!

Do you care for Tchaikovsky,

Mrs. Kettle?

How's that?

Do you like Tchaikovsky?

Tell you the truth, I ain't had time to

try any of your “Haywiian“ dishes yet.

But I expect it's

pretty good eatin'.

One doesn't eat Tchaikovsky,

Mrs. Kettle.

One drinks it in.

I'll drink my buttermilk, if it's

all the same to you. Much obliged.

Hors d' oeuvres?

Don't mind if I do!

Cute way of fixin' 'em,

ain't it?

Even got the toothpicks handy!

I'll try this on Pa sometime.

I'd like to see his face when he gets

a pork chop with a toothpick in it!

Must've jumped

clean down my throat!

Are you interested in modern

painting, Mrs. Kettle?

Pa does the paintin' around our

place when I can get him to do it.

I just whitewash

the fences.

Ain't got much taste to 'em,

have they?

Have you read the new

collection of Herman Melville?

It's simply exquisite. I haven't had a

spare moment in weeks, but I intend to.

You'll adore it! It has the

quality of Sir Francis Bacon.

Do you like Bacon,

Mrs. Kettle?

I sure do! I feel like a piece right now...

done good and crisp.

Madam.

Thanks.

just what I needed.

[Crunching]

Oh!

Can you imagine!

Quiet, girls. I want you to hear this

violin recording by Vittore Segaski.

It's simply exquisite. Fulton

paid a collector $200 forit.

[ Classical ]

[Whining]

What happened to your dog?

Get caught in an electric fan?

Shh.

[ Continues ]

[Crunching]

Quiet, please,

Mrs. Kettle.

[ Continues]

[ Crunching Continues]

Listen to the perfect phrasing

of this passage,

the delicate overtones,

its breathless beauty.

Yeah, he plays

a nice fiddle.

Hey, you bring that back!

[Women Screaming]

My priceless record!

It don't fit so good, but it's

better than goin' barefooted.

[Sighing, Groaning]

[Excited Chatting]

[Snoring]

Uh, Mr. Kettle?

Mr. Kettle?

Oh, where was I?

“Dear Crowbar.“

And Geoduck.

Got just a moment

to spare, so, uh--

Mr. Kettle,

how do you spell Geoduck?

You know how to spell “go,“ don't ya?

Mm-hmm.

Know how to spell “duck,“ don't ya?

Well, shove 'em together.

Dear kids, me, Ma and

Rosie are feelin' fine.

Hopin' you're behavin' yourself and

you haven't wrecked the camp yet.

I remain very truly yours,

your father Pa.

[ Buzzing]

Hello, Pa Kettle speaking.

[Buzzing Continues]

Hello.

This is Pa Kettle.

[ Buzzing Continues]

Hello!

One of you answer. It's in the

inner office, Mr. Kettle.

[Intercom ] There's a Professor

Gilfallen here, Mr. Kettle.

I can't see him now.

I'm all tied up.

Good morning.

I am Professor Gilfallen of the

Honolulu College of Agriculture.

M.D., Ph.D., D.A.

and P.F.

With all them letters,

you oughta know quite a lot.

May I speak to you

in confidence?

[ Door Closes]

Mr. Kettle.

Pa's the name.

Oh, Mr. Pa,

how would you like to increase the

quality of your product 165%?

Well--

Of course you would!

After 3,756

gruelling experiments,

I have struck

a formula.

Poured into the pressure pump, it

brings out and locks into the juice...

a lost element,

which I have named XP-252.

You don't say.

You being a man of vision and

action, I have brought it to you.

That's right neighborly of you.

I guarantee a quality

and flavor of juice...

no firm on Earth

can duplicate.

Mm-mmm. Looks like

potato bug poison.

Experiment today.

If it does not fulfill every

promise, I demand nothing.

When it doubles your sales,

a small percentage.

My attorney will call on you

this afternoon to talk terms.

Good morning.

Do you wish to go on with

your dictation, Mr. Kettle?

Not now. I got

business to attend to.

Memo: Have the heads of all the departments

meet me in the vat pressing room in an hour.

Get Ma on the phone.

Yes, sir.

Never mind.

I'll get her myself.

[Ringing]

Yeah?

Pa Kettle speaking.

That's funny. Nobody answers.

lfl may make a suggestion.

I think you're trying to talk to yourself.

Is that so?

Wrong number.

Pa sure must have

somethin' good this time.

I hope we'll have the success with

this as we had with his music.

P.A., we're sure anxious

to see this experiment work.

No use rushin', Rodney.

Spoils your digestion.

If this does what you say it

does, you'll save the factory.

Once I set my mind to a thing,

I always get results.

Get off that thing, Pa,

'fore you fall in.

Don't go to frettin', Ma.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Well, that's it, fellas.

Here she goes.

[ Exploding]

[Shouting]

Just when I was figurin' on

you amountin' to somethin',

you go and do

a fool thing like that.

I wonder what Rodney will do

when he comes to.

Most likely fire ya. We'll have a

hard time gettin' back to the kids.

You think it will be that soon?

What do you expect him to do?

Give you a prize

for blowing up his factory?

How do we get him away from her?

They might sit there for hours.

Relax. We'll get our chance.

Cut the motor.

You know, Ma--

You got a piece of pineapple in your hat.

Got some down my back too.

If you had some mayonnaise, you

could dish me up as a fruit salad.

Can't understand it explodin' like that.

The man said it was foolproof.

Hmph! Maybe it was,

but you're not.

Why do you do what other people tell you?

Why can't you be more like Rodney?

I wish I could be. You'd

have more use for me then.

I like his get-up-and-go! He

always did have a lot of gumption.

That's somethin'

you never had.

Maybe you should've married him

in the first place 'stead of me.

Mmm,

maybe I should've.

Then I wouldn't be sittin' here

on a bench in a foreign island...

wonderin' if I'm ever

gonna see my kids again.

Wish you

hadn't said that, Ma.

It's just you make me

so doggone mad!

C'mon! Let's go back to

the hotel and start packin'.

You go ahead. I'm gonna sit

here a while and think.

About what? I haven't

thought that up yet.

In that case,

you'll be here all night.

Don't sit there

till you get cold.

Okay, Eddie.

and remember the orders.

Treat him gently.

Don't worry about me.

I'll do okay.

[ Engine Rewind]

All right, get goin'.

[Pa Thinking]

Best thing to do for Ma...

is to fix it so

she can marry Rodney.

But lf I did something to make her

proud of me, she wouldn't want to.

That's the thing to do,

I guess.

I beg your pardon,

but do you have a match?

Oh, howdy.

I must've been thinkin'.

That's a good thing to do once in a while.

Brushes the cobwebs out of your hair.

That ain't cobwebs.

That's pineapple.

Cigarette?

You seem to have something

on your mind.

Ma. That's my wife,

you know.

I let her down.

She's real mad at me.

You have lots of other

married men for company.

Match?

Yeah, thanks.

Ma's thinkin' of leavin' me

for another fella.

Come now, sir. I bet you're exaggerating.

No, I ain't.

Gotta do somethin' mighty quick to make up for it.

Wouldn't wanna lose Ma.

My dear sir,

this is a coincidence.

I thinkl can help you. That's

mighty friendly of you.

What I can offer has an element of risk and danger.

Would you be willing to take it?

As long as there ain't too

much work connected with it.

Do you know what this is?

Looks like a map.

This is a map of a treasure

buried on the island of Kaiaiu.

You don't say. You goin'

over there to dig it up?

I can't, but that's

where I can help you.

Poor Pa.

He must feel terrible.

Anybody can make

a mistake, Rosie.

Don't forget Pa's still the most

important man in the company.

In fact, if he doesn't sign the papers

soon, there won't be any company.

That looks like Pa over there.

I wonder who he's talking to.

Let's go see if we

can cheer him up a bit.

You see, unsavory characters here

in Honolulu know I have this map.

If I were to go over to Kalalu, they'd

follow me and take the treasure.

Now, a man in your position could get

over there without being suspected.

We'll split 50-50.

Will you do it?

Finding a buried treasure

might do the trick.

How could I

get over to this island?

Go to dock 46. There's a boat called

the Huma Huma that goes to Kalalu.

Keep this under your hat.

My hat.

Pa? Hello, Rosie. Howdy, Bob.

That fellow you were talking to

looks familiar. Who was he, Pa?

A good friend. So long, kids.

Where're you going?

I'm not allowed to say.

It's a secret.

A round trip to Kalalu

will be ten bucks.

Sounds reasonable.

Have to wait a few minutes.

I'm expecting other passengers.

I'll give you five now,

five when we get back.

All right.

All set, Skipper? Okay, hop in.

Let's shove off.

You say you haven't

seen him?

Any word from Pa?

No, Rosie.

Did you and Bob find out anything?

No, Ma.

Rosie, I'm worried.

When your Pa don't show up for meals,

you can bet your boots he's in trouble.

I thought you were

mad at him, Ma.

I can be mad at him and fret about

him at the same time, can't I?

[ Phone Ringing]

That must be Pa.

Hello? Hello?

Bob, did you find out anything?

Yes, plenty. Coates is trying to

prevent Pa from signing the agreement.

Kidnapped?

To the island of Kalalu?

Where's that? How do you get there?

Bob, can you--

I've got one of them

right--

Bob! Bob, what's wrong?

Answer me!

You stay here. I'll find

out where he is! Bob!

Hey, General, how do

you get to Kalamazoo?

Kalamazoo, madame? Maybe I

ain't pronouncin' it right.

It's an island.

Ah! Kalalu.

That's it. I've got to hire a boat.

Get me a taxi quick.

The last cabjust left. However,

he might take you. He ohanakane.

I don't care what he is. Call the

baby buggy, and let's get started.

[Whistling]

This lady wants a boat to Kalalu.

She's in awful hurry.

Americans always in hurry.

[Speaking Hawaiian]

Stop thatjabberin'.

Let's get goin'.

Nice day.

Yeah.

You fellas know this island

pretty well?

Yeah.

Maybe... you know where

this place is.

Why, sure. We can take

you right to the spot.

Well, much obliged.

You seem like

real strong fellows.

Comes from clean livin', pop.

Figure you'd be pretty handy with a

pick and shovel. Pick and shovel?

Got an idea there's some

treasure buried over there.

Thought we, uh, might find it,

if you fellas care to dig a little.

Dig?

Oh, dig. Why don't

you dig for it?

My back troubles me.

I can't stand any strain.

If you fellas

wanna help me,

I might cut you in

for 10% or so.

Much obliged, pop,

but we wouldn't want to rob ya.

Oh, you wouldn't be robbin' me.

You'd be doin' your share.

I don't wanna be selfish,

you know.

Thanks, but we don't

know much about diggin'.

The gentleman asked you to help

him dig, you help him dig.

Oh, kinda hot

for that sorta stuff.

You fellas gonna do a little

shooting on the island?

Not unless it's

absolutely necessar-

Faster!

Step on it! Faster!

Step on it!

Faster! Faster!

Hold your horses!

You're supposed to wait!

Well, at least I saved

five dollars.

That him?

Yeah.

Who's he? Guide. Knows the

island like a racing form.

Well, better be movin' if you fellas

expect to finish the diggin' by sundown.

Digging? Yeah.

Ain't it gruesome?

Cmon.

I'll explain it to you.

'Spose that boat fella'll be back?

Sure.

Ma frets if I'm out after dark.

She's the frettin' type.

All we've gotta do

is find the right tree.

Ain't gonna get rich loitering around, men.

Let's get started.

Coates's orders.

Come on.

One, two, three,

four, five,

six.

Now according to the map, you

can start diggin' right here.

What are you gonna do? There's gotta

be a boss in every job, you know.

Okay, boys.

let's keep him happy.

You know, you can carry

this sort of thing too far.

Hey, wake up!

If you're alive,

snap out of it!

You speak to me, missy?

I sure did.

Me run no more.

Me pooped.

Nobody's askin' you to run. I just

wanna know where that boat dock is.

One mile straight ahead.

You pull.

[ Honking] Get that

thing off the street!

[ Honking Continues]

I got fingers

I never knew I had.

Let's knock this off...

him at the same time.

As long as he's happy,

we keep goin'.

Let's keep on workin', boys.

Never get nowheres talkin'.

Hey, thought you said I could catch

a boat here for that island.

I show you.

Very good boat.

[Whistles]

I'm supposed to ride in one of those peanut shells?

Yes, very good boat.

He very good too.

He ohanakane.

ls everybody in “Hiwaii“

a “hany“ whatever-you-call-it?

Ohanakane

means brother.

The doorman, he, me,

him... we all ohanakane.

I hope he can paddle

faster than you can run.

I can't pull that thing over water.

I ain't webfooted, you know.

Find anything yet?

The only thing I found

is more dirt.

Well, keep diggin'.

We're bound to strike it.

Gotta figure this

from all angles.

That's right, he was kidnapped.

And now Phoebe's disappeared.

How many men?

How should I know?

While you waste time asking

questions-- That's more like it.

Meet you at the dock

in 2O minutes.

Police are gonna take us to Kalalu. We'll have P.A.

out of this in no time.

This isn't gonna do

your heart any good, Mr. Kettle.

When we find P.A.,

my heart will be as good as new.

C'mon, use some

elbow grease!

Faster! Faster!

Howdy.

Howdy. Aloha.

My name's Pa Kettle.

Me Papa Lotus.

I'm pleased to meet you, Papa.

Likewise, Pa.

Kettle! C'mon up here

on the double.

What's cookin'?

Kettle took a powder.

What? That's why he

kept us digging.

Cmon, let's get 'im. He's gotta

be around here someplace.

Kettle!

Mighty tasty this.

You say this stuff is made

with sugarcane? Uh-huh.

I always thought Lem Teller's

cider was powerful,

but it never hit me like this.

Whoopee.

Yeah, Whoopee.

Kettle!

Guess I've had about enough,

thank you, Papa.

Say, you wouldn't happen to have

any pipe tobacco, would you?

Always plenty on hand.

It spit a little at first,

but it quiet down.

[Crackling]

Sure is nice and peaceful.

Not a sound to disturb

a man's rest.

[ Horn Bellowing]

Let' s get mcmn'.

It's only Mama Lotus

call the family to lunch.

You eat with us. That's mighty neighborly.

I could eat a hot dog.

Cmon, you “honykanies?

We haven't got all day.

Sorry, no can paddle faster.

Arms tired.

Arms tired? Hah!

You oughta try doin'

a full day's wash.

You like lomi lomi?

Can't say as I ever tasted it.

Nice to have company for lunch.

I sure am enjoying myself.

Wish Ma was here to see the kids.

What's their names?

Lomi lomi!

January.

February.

March.

April. May. June.

July.

August.

September .

October .

Novemmber .

December .

What are you gonna do

from here on in?

We've always got

the alphabet.

I hope Ma never thinks of that.

April?

Pass the poi.

Pa hasn't had any.

Well, uh, doesn't seem

to be any spoon.

This is poi.

You eat like this.

All right to eat with your

fingers in front of the kids?

Ma always makes me

watch my manners.

It's Hawaiian custom.

Try it.

Well, if you're sure

it's all right.

Mama make good poi.

Delicious.

[Hawaiian]

[Singing In Hawaiian]

[Snoring]

[ Singing Continues]

♪ I'll go to California ♪

JWhen I return

we'll be married ♪

♪ What do you want me

to bring you ♪

♪ She answered

very shyly;

♪ I want a hat

with a crooked crown ♪

♪ I want a pair

of high-heeled shoes ♪

JA Spanish shawl

with a fringe;

♪ A scalloped petticoat ♪

♪ And a very tight

short dress ♪

♪♪ [ Continues In Hawaiian]

JA hat with a crooked crown ♪

; A pair of

high-heeled shoes g

[Hawaiian]

Remember, just a little tap.

Not too hard.

Look, Mama!

Pa is gone!

That's strange!

March, you go upstairs and look.

The rest of you search!

Hey, Papa. Wake up.

Pa's gone. [Ma Shouting] Pa!

Pa! Pa Kettle! Pa!

Where are ya?

Pg]

Mama, it sounds like

the banshees of Kalalu.

Pa! Pa Kettle!

Pa, where are ya?

Pa!

I'm lookin' for Pa Kettle.

You are Ma Kettle?

Sure am.

Aloha. Welcome to Kalalu.

Howdy. Where's Pa? He

was there a minute ago.

He ain't there now, and Pa

ain't one to sprout wings.

Three men carry Pa

through jungle that way.

They're the kidnappers.

Howdy. Aloha.

Me Papa Lotus.

We find Pa.

Kids, prepare for battle.

[Kids Cheering]

Come on.

[indistinct Shouting]

Company, attention!

Where there's a fight on,

kids sure are a blessin'.

You are used to children. I oughta be.

I got 15 commandos of my own.

Company,

turn to the right.

Forward march.

Papa, this way.

Somebody gotta

hold down the fort.

No worry, Mama.

Keep going.

There's somethin' about him

that reminds me of Pa.

I hope not.

Papa laziest man I ever met.

Hah! That's it.

I knew it was somethin'.

Ma, you try this.

Those pineapples are too little to

be away from their ma, ain't they?

You come back.

You watch.

Forward march.

Where'd your kids learn to make those torpedoes?

Soldiers show them how.

Lucky for Cape Flattery mine

don't live near an army camp.

Sure beats digging.

Should've knocked him out in the first place.

You topped him too hard.

He's still out. Why

didn't you take it easy?

With all these blisters, did

they know what they was doin'?

You two kids run ahead, and watch out.

Here, Mama.

We'll see how the rest

of'em are doin'.

Now, move on slow.

Who's that?

That's December.

Hah! Chip off

the old block!

lust along for the ride? He'll

be there when we need him.

Shh.

Stay here.

[Bird Whistle]

What was that?

A bird, stupid.

Deal.

[ Bird Whistle]

That's February.

He must've spotted them.

Come on, kids,

and be careful.

[Whistles]

That was no bird.

That was someone whistlin'.

The old man's out like alight.

It wasn't him.

They're just up ahead.

We'll surround them.

You take six months.

The rest will come with me.

Keep down.

Come on.

Get ready, kids.

Fire!

Fire!

- Fire!

- Fire!

- Fire!

- Fire!

Fire!

They got us surrounded!

Fire!

Kettle must've tipped us off

someway, but how?

Who cares?

They outsmarted us.

I've only got a couple of slugs left.

Me too!

Hold off till you see

something to aim at.

You draw their fire, and we'll

draw them from behind the rocks.

Okay.

Fire!

Fire!

Shorty, take a look.

You take a look!

There they are.

Let 'em have it!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

They got me.

I'm plugged.

It's only coconut milk, Ma.

Gee whiz!

I thought they had me for sure.

Keep firin'!

Fire!

We got three of'em. I'm gonna save

my last slug to make it count.

Fire!

Fire!

- Fire!

- Aah!

Get into the shack!

Must have Pa in that shack.

Keep down, everybody.

We'll get to them rocks.

Mama, here's Honokai. This should

send them out that other door.

Here you go, Honokai.

It's too quiet out there.

Must be up to something.

Shorty, crawl over to that

window and take a look.

- Ouch!

- Aim for the window.

Ouch! Ouch!

Ouch! Ouch!

Here comes Mama.

She's come to join up with us.

We gotta figure a way

to get 'em out that back door.

Gimme that baby pineapple.

We'll scare 'em out.

Your kids in the trees ready?

Yes, Ma, they're ready.

Do your duty, and look out for Pa.

Get rid of it, Ma!

Now hit 'em with

everything you've got!

[Coughing] What do

we do about him?

It's every man for himself now.

Chicago was never like this.

Cover'em like

gophers in a salt sack!

Cmon, kids!

Let's go get 'em!

[Men Groaning]

[ Pa]

In here! I, I--

[Mumbling] Unfasten him. He's

squeezin' the life outta me.

Stand still so

I can unlatch him.

Goodness, Pa Kettle, you can cause

more trouble than a handful of bees.

Don't scold him.

What he did, he did for you.

That's the truth, Ma,

so help me.

If blowin' up a factory and gettin'

kidnapped's for me, you can quit right now.

He was searching for treasure

to make you proud of him.

The only treasure I want,

Mama Lotus, I've got.

That's our children.

What about Rodney?

If I'd wanted Rodney, I wouldn't be here

fightin' the Battle of Bull Run for you.

Ma!

Pa!

That's Rodney, Rose and Bob.

They've come to get us.

[indistinct Shouting,

Cheering]

Pa, I'm so glad

nothing happened to you.

I can't exactly say

nothin' happened, Rosie.

You too, Ma. You had us worried sick.

You should've waited for us.

If I'd waited for you, Pa migh've

been eaten alive by land crabs.

Congratulations, P.A.

You did it again.

What'd he do now?

Fooled us all.

If you're talkin' about them letters I

wrote you, I've been tryin' to explain.

I'm talking about the explosion.

It was a stroke of genius. It was?

Our chemist analyzed

the liquids you used,

which homogenized the varied and

combined juices into a sensational nectar.

You don't say. The bank is

showering us with credit.

With no more worries, my doctors have

given me a clean bill of health.

I'd like you to stay with us

as my partner.

That's mighty kind of you,

but there's pressing business

calling me back to the mainland.

That's right. It sure is pretty here,

but it's no place for Pa and me.

He's got 15 important things to

take care of in Cape Flattery.

Well, I'm sorry.

But as our farewell,

we'll have a luau tonight

that you'll remember forever.

[Singing In Hawaiian]

What are you smokin'? Smells

like somebodys shoein' a horse.

You're pretty close.

It's coconut plug.

Pour somethin' on it.

Let's sit down.

Rodney's gonna make

a speech.

Friends, we are gathered here tonight to

honor a man of foresight and courage.

What more fitting way to honor him than to

dress as he did when he first came to us,

the clothes that symbolize

the man... and his success.

I always did have

faith in ya, Pa.

I knew you'd make good someday.

Thank you, Ma.

Have some poi? Keep your

fingers out of the food.

That's Hawaiian custom.

Try some.

Glad the kids

can't see me doin' this.

Tasty, isn't it? Best

wallpaper paste I ever ate.

Well... thanks.

Another Hawaiian custom?

Well, it sure is, Ma.