Ma and Pa Kettle at Waikiki (1953) - full transcript

Ha. Couldn't take it!

For goodness sake, Ma. Why do you
wash on a hot day like this?

Things get dirty on hot days
same as they do cold.

Be a lot easier if Pa'd fix
the washing machine.

You might at least turn on the air conditioner.
It's busted too!

Everything's busted around here...
including the family.

Whew!

I've been after Pa
to fix things.

Said he'd take care of'em,

but today he had to go out
and swing somethin'.

Now, what in the world
would he be swingin'?



Dear Cousin Rodney,

as usual, I'm working like a
beaver back here in the states.

Just closed a deal
for the First National Bank.

You bought First National
Bank in last letter.

Make it the Second.
Gotta keep on expanding.

Crowbar, there's a horsefly
just over my right ear.

Why every time you write your
cousin, you tell same big lies?

Oh, I ain't lyin',
just exaggeratin'.

Ma don't know I'm doin' it,

but Rodney is rich
and successful.

Owns a factory and a mess
of pineapples in Honolulu.

[ Pa ] Me and Rodney both courted
Ma when we were young sprouts.

I got Ma, and Rodney
took the pineapples.

Done so good with 'em,
he never come back here.



No harm letting him think
I done just as good.

Can't have him thinkin ' Ma made a
mistake marrying me instead of him!

Yes, sir!

May be hard to believe,
but over in Honolulu...

a member of the Kettle family
is wallowin' in money,

takin' life easy
with never a care in the world!

[Man] Stop that hammering Stop
that confounded hammering!

Get this through your head, Coates. You're not gonna
get my factory at that price or any other price!

As per our conversation, close
pineapple crop at price quoted.

Rodney Kettle doesn't need
anything from anyone!

You're already in hock.

We've talked to the bank.
They won't lend you a quarter.

You're crazy!
Not you, Foster!

Get the labels here by tomorrow
or cancel the order!

11:47, Mr. Kettle. Time for
your blood pressure pill.

I'm trying to give you a chance
to get out with a little cash.

When I need money,
the bank is at my disposal!

Letter to
Faulkner Tin Company.

Don't give us any of that.
Get out!

No, not you. We'll be back,
Kettle, to take over.

[Phone Ringing]
Come on, let's go.

Hello. [Rodney] What about those
papayas I ordered ten days ago?

Hello, Rodney. Came over from the
bank right after the meeting.

No, you idiot, bananas won't do!
Get me papayas!

Careful, Mr. Kettle.
Remember your blood pressure.

[ Ringing] Oh, no, no!
Finish what you started.

Tell them to call later.
Mr. Kettle's in conference.

What about the loan? I need the cash.
The board turned you down.

What?

The bank refused to lend me a measly million?
They feel you're a bad risk.

Bad risk? I'm the best risk
your bank ever had!

Without my account, you'd be out of business.
Take it easy, Mr. Kettle.

Don't get excited.
I'll get as excited as I please.

[Groaning]

Fresh water.
Get Dr. Fabian.

His digitalis
is in the second drawer.

As your doctor, I say
you can't stand the pace.

You'll simply have to put someone
else in charge for a while...

or I won't be
responsible.

Rodney, with another capable
man in charge temporarily,

I might persuade the board
to advance the loan.

Where can I find a man...

with the brains, the nerve,
the iron will?

P.A. Kettle!
Who?

His cousin back in the States.
That's a great idea!

He's a big operator, Fulton.
An empire builder.

Boundless energy, drive,
uncanny foresight.

Oh, what's the use?

I'll never be able to drag him
away from all his activities.

He's a Kettle, isn't he?
It'll be a challenge to him.

You're absolutely right, Bob. He
won't turn me down. He can't.

Where's his last letter?

Oh, here it is.

“Just brought in two oil gushers
on the south 40.

Gave one to Phoebe and one to the kids.
They love to play in oil!“

[Laughing] That isn't all. He's
got cattle, banks, lumber!

He owns half the state of Washington.
That's good enough for me.

Get him over to take charge, and
I'll guarantee you'll get the loan.

Come in immediately.

[ Women] Remy Mr. Kettle. Take a letter.
My dear cousin--

Kill it.
I'll cable him.

P.A. Kettle, Cape Flattery. No,
too impersonal. I'll phone him.

Cancel the call. It's too easy
to turn me down on the phone.

You, Bob! You take the next plane to
the states and bring him backyourselfl

That's a must!
You hear me? A must!

Now, on your way, and don't fail!
Yes, sir!

Stop that
confounded hammering!

All out.
What we do next?

Ask Pa.

Pa, we got this thingamajig
all apart.

How we get 'em back
together again?

Don't rush me. I'm... studying
the blueprint right now.

Thinkyou can fix machine, Pa?

Nothing to it.
I'll figure it out.

I took Benjamin's watch apart once, and
I put it right smack together again.

Did it work? Well, he
don't get lost no more.

I changed it into a compass.

[Humming]

This is one time I envy people with
modern homes and cooling systems.

If you're hinting that we stop
at the Kettles' place, forget it.

Cooling system or no
cooling system.
Excuse me.

Ma Kettle gets me
hot under the collar.

I seem to be lost. Can you tell
me where P.A. Kettle lives?

P.A. Kettle? The only Kettles
we know live down this street.

Is he the industrialist?
Ha! If you call having children an industry.

If you care to join us,
we... we might be going there.

I'd be delighted.
Thank you very much.

Whew! Soon as I complete
my business course,

I'm gonna get a job
and help with the bills.

You wouldn't have to if your Pa'd get the
lead out of that hammock and go to work.

Oh, my cookies!

Just in time.
They're perfect.

We better find someplace to put them
before the kids find out about them.

No matter what you do,
they'll find out.

[Sniffing]
They got noses, ain't they?

[Shouting]
See what I mean?

No difference what you want,
it's too hot for it.

We want to go to summer camp.
School's getting off.

I've already given you
2O reasons why you can't go.

First, we ain't got the money.
The other 19 don't count.

Oh, Ma!

Howdy, Rosie.
What's going on?

Mmm! Still warm. You shouldn't be eatin' this.
It'll spoil your dinner.

Aw, Pa! As spokesman for
your children, Pa--

just a minute, Benjamin.
You're part Ma's too!

We gotta be fair
about these things.

She won't let us go to camp, Pa.
You make her!

Force ain't quite the way
to handle it, Billy.

You can catch more flies with
sugar than you can with vinegar.

I don't care how you catch the flies.
They're stayin' here, and that's final!

Aw, Ma!
Well, I did my best!

[ Benjamin] Come on. Let's
go play in the sprinklers.

Hold on there, Pa! You can make
yourself useful by settin' the table.

I'd like to, Ma, but I gotta finish
hookin' up the coolin' system.

It breaks me all up to see you
suffering in the heat like this.

This is the Kettle house.
Thanks again.

But I thought you were coming in.
Now that you mention it--

Come on, Birdie! At least
we'll be out of the heat.

Oh, all right!

But personally, I'd prefer being
under a nice, cold shower.

What's that? Oh! Oh, no!
[Screaming]

It's those Kettle brats!

I'll find the valve.

[Shouting]

[ Doorbell Ringing] First the washing
machine, then the cooling system.

Now, the bell's stuck!

Well, I'll declare!

Birdie and Miss Pennyfeather,
just dripping of perspiration.

Didn't know it was that hot.
Don't be cute!

Those children of yours
turned the sprinklers on us.

Are you gonna steam off or come
inside and dry off? If I catch cold--

Oh, for goodness sake, get in the kitchen
before you wash the flowers out of my carpet.

There's the man who chased us
out of the sprinklers!

I really wasn't chasing them,
it's just--

You seem to have gotten more
water on yourself than they did.

It's a problem keeping 14 youngsters
in check on a hot day, or any day.

AW!

You mean, Mr. Kettle has 14 children?
Fifteen including me.

I'm Rosie Kettle.

How do you do?
I'm Bob Baxter.

I came from Honolulu to see
your father on urgent business.

Urgent business?
My father?

Well, come on. Let's see
if we can find him.

Oh, oh! Your family is a
disgrace to the neighborhood.

Just because you ain't got a
husband and kids, Birdie Hicks,

no use a-runnin' down folks
that has.

Pa Kettle is some husband
to hold up as an example!

Anyway he's a man, and that's more
than you've been able to get.

I wouldn't trade Pa for any other man
in the world!
You callin' me, Ma?

Pa Kettle, you get out of here.
We aren't even dressed!

I can't see it makes
any difference.

Got the cooling system
all hooked up.

Figure it'll work
all right now.

[ Fan Blowing]

Pa, this month'll be gone
before you know it!

Turn that off!
Quick!

Guess I must've
got it in backwards.

Poo“

[ Laughing] You sure fixed
those two sourpusses!

[ Door Slams]

Disgrace to
the neighborhood!

[Rosie] Pa, there's somebody here to see you.
You help me clean up this mess.

I can't, Ma.
You heard Rosie.

Cleaned the vent for you, Ma.

Yeah... thanks.

Pa, this is Mr. Bob Baxter. He has
something wonderful to tell you.

How do you do, sir? I've traveled
2,000 miles to meet you.

You did? You must be tuckered out.
Sit down. Thank you, sir.

Pa, Mr. Baxter is the assistant general
manager to Cousin Rodney in Honolulu.

You don't say!

Will you excuse me? I can hardly
wait to tell Ma the news.

Wonderful girl, sir.
So vibrant, so alive!

Takes after me,
some folks say.

Well, well,
so you work for Cousin Rodney.

How's his liver these days?
That's all right, I believe.

It's his heart
that's causing the trouble.

I knew it was some part of the giblets.
It ain't serious, I hope.

No, but his doctor has ordered
him to take a long rest.

That's good advice. I try to get
some myself whenever I can.

Your cousin Rodney wants you to come
to the islands and manage his company.

I couldn't do that! He's counting on you.
He needs your judgment, your--

Well, all the things that
stand out in your letters.

Oh, my goodness.

I just as soon you didn't mention
those letters to Ma or Rosie.

They might think I was braggin'.
just as you say.

I appreciate
your modesty.

Hawaii. Waikiki.

Palms swaying
in the moonlight.

Oh, it's just too romantic
and wonderful!

Ma, do you think Pa'll go?

He will if I have anything
to say about it... and I do!

Hello there.
I'm Ma Kettle.

A pleasure and a privilege. I was just
offering your husband a proposition.

I know all about it.
We accept.

Don't be hasty, Ma.

I was figurin' doin' a heap of work
around here this summer.

Figurin' and doing's
two different things!

Your husband has
a crowded calendar.

Cousin Rodney could never
pay for his time.

But this check for
expenses-- Two thous--

And there'll be a generous stock bonus when P.A.
puts the plant back on its feet.

Who, me?
Pa?

Gee, the kids will be able to
go to camp, and then we can go.

I'm stayin' right here like I said,
and nothin's gonna make me budge.

[Gasps]

But, Ma, there's something about this
whole shenanigan you don't understand.

I understand it's a chance
for Rosie to learn something,

a chance for the kids
to go to a camp,

a chance for me to see something
besides a washboard...

and for you to make something
out of yourself.
But, Ma.

Up to now, Pa Kettle,
you've been shiftless,

lazy careless,
good-for-no thin '--

Careless?

You're just like Rodney.
I still got faith in you.

You're gonna take this job
and make us proud of you,

or we just might pick up
and leave you.

You don't mean that,
do you, Ma?

I sure do!
That does it then.

Then we're goin'
to “Hiwaii“?

I suppose so.
Looks that way.

Press the button that raises
the window and come to bed.

Nothing's gonna stop you, Pa.
You're goin' right up to the top!

Pa! Pa! Pa!

Point game!
Service!

Excuse me, Pa.

I didn't mean to hit ya, but you
got in the way of my serve.

What you been doin' all morning?
Enjoying myself.

Sure a lot of things to see
on this trip.

All you've seen so far
is the inside of your hat.

Well, I gotta get my rest
if I'm gonna work.

Say, Ma, there's somethin' I gotta
tell you about Rodney and thisjob.

Don't tell me now.
I'm exercisin'!

You ain't doin' all this exercisin'
and stuff for Rodney, are you?

Oh, 'course not.
What put that in your head?

Oh, I was just thinking.

Maybe you was tryin' to look
the same as you did...

when Rodney and me was courtin ' you.
Go on with you, Pa!

Have a banana, Ma? Don't mind if I do.
Oh, no, better not.

That proves it. You're
trying to reduce for Rodney.

I'm just tryin' to keep my hips
down so I can get in my new dress.

Well, better be careful you don't
bust something. [Bones Creaking]

You ain't no gazelle,
you know.

Sea air sure
does somethin' for ya!

No doubt about it, Pa. Travel
really broadens a person.

Meetin' people and seein' things makes
you spread out. [Creaking Continues]

Maybe this trip will make
you change your whole life.

Pa! Wake up!
What's... wrong?

We ain't sinking, are we?

You haven't heard a thing I've been sayin'.
I heard every word.

What'd I say? You said,
travel makes you kinda broad.

Eatin' makes you spread out.

And maybe this trip will
make me... change my wife.

You gotta do better than that
when we get to “Hiwaii.“

Do you mind if I sit down here?
Gee whiz.

New shoes sure make
my feet sore.

I'd as soon have a toothache
as a foot ache!

My name's Kettle, Ma Kettle.
What's yours?

Mrs. Fulton Andrews.

Glad to know you. Ain't
seen you around the deck.

I've been in my cabin most of the trip.
I've a very delicate stomach.

Ohh! That's too bad.
I can eat anythin'.

Salt pork, sardines, liver
and onions-- Phrase'!

I'll bet if I could cook
a couple of meals for ya,

I'd put
your stomach in shape.

I don't doubt it.

You're the wife of
that peculiar little man...

who sleeps on deck, area 1:' you?
That's Pa!

He's goin' over to Honolulu
to take over a big factory.

How interesting.
Does he sleep all the time?

[Chuckles] Oh,just about...
except around mealtime.

But put a fork in his hand with a pork
chop on it, and he'll come to all right.

Oh, that's my daughter.
[Shouts] Hello, Rosie!

Oh, hi, Ma.

Say, that's Teresa Andrews, wife of
the president of the Honolulu Bank!

I didn't know she was on board. Trust
Ma to make friends with everybody.

If you see Pa, tell him I want him.
Okay Ma.

Here he is now, Ma.

Come down here, Pa. I want you to
meet a lady Be down in a jiffy, Ma.

Excuse me.
I think I see a friend.

Oh, don't run away.
Pa'll be right down.

I... beg pardon.

[Screams]

Hey! Pa!

[ Ma I Get outta there!
You'll get all wet.

Howdy. Pleased to meet you.
Oh, you! You!

When the boat docks this
afternoon, you've got to meet P.A.

And I'd better not miss
meeting Mrs. Andrews.

Don't worry.
We'll be there.

I'm looking forward to seeing the
Kettles again after all these years.

Especially Phoebe.

Oh, once over lightly,
Rob, and hurry, please.

Very well, Mr. Kettle.
Same for me.

I'll call a director meeting for tomorrow
morning so that P.A. can start nght in.

Put it back.

I wonder if by any chance
P.A. bumped into Mrs. Andrews.

Very likely. I reserved
a cabana here for P.A.

Why don't you and Teresa drop in and say hello?
That's a good idea.

Meantime, we're drawing up papers for P.A.
to sign agreeing to manage the factory.

After I send them, you've got to get
his signature within 24 hours...

or you'll have to do business with
Coates on his terms. Let it alone.

That doesn't give us
much time.

The papers won't be ready
for a couple of days,

but that's
the bank's ultimatum.

P.A.'s signature within
24 hours or no loan.

But, sir, I haven't finished.
Yes, you have.

It's been a wonderful trip.
I'll never forget it.

Did I have anything to do with making it wonderful?
Just about everything.

I... don't know how
to thank you.

I do!

[ Ship's Whistle Blowing]

Sure glad I brung my own
radio from home, Ma.

I'm used to it,
and it's used to me.

Nice sightseeing trip Rodney
took us on this afternoon.

The scenery was all right. I wished we
could've made it in a car instead of on foot.

You should've brung
your old shoes.

How'd I know we was gonna
traipse all over the island?

I swearl got blisters
big as a saddle blanket.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

See who it is, Pa. I can't
do two things at once, Ma.

Who is it?
Bob!

Be right with you, Bob.

Zip me up, Ma.

Hurry.
Thanks, Ma.

Good night. Good night, Pa.
[Ma] Have a good time, honey.

Hi. Sorry I couldn't let you in,
but Ma's dressing.

Rosie, you look lovely!
Thank you.

[Hammering]

Stop that hammerin'!

It makes my feet hurt more.

Got it all hooked up. Little
music'll take your mind off'em.

There.
That's better.

Looks just like home,
don't it, Ma?

If I wanted things to look
like home, I'd have stayed there.

That's funny. Always
starts her up at home.

Must be that japanese
current I read about.

That japanese current happens to
be in the middle of the ocean.

You don't say! That's a funny
place for it, ain't it?

I guess it musta got jarred
on the boat comin' over.

[Knock on Door]
Come in!

Well, well,
how's the little--

What's the trouble,
Phoebe dear, touch of cold?

No.just that my feet
are swelled up a little.

I don't suppose you could slip into
something a little more formal.

Fulton Andrews and his wife are
dropping over to pay their respects.

That's real friendly. We have
to dress again after supper?

P.A., Fulton's president of the bank.
A business associate.

His wife is very social.

They're impossible people. I don't see
why we have to continue the association.

Aw, for heaven sakes, Teresa,
be yourself!

He's an important man with important money.
I want it in my bank.

On second thought, don't be yourself.
Be nice.

Well!

That must be them.
Get a shirt, P.A.

You better put something
over your feet, Phoebe clear.

Why?
Ain't she never had sore feet?

Why, Teresa, Fulton,
come right in.

Phoebe, this is Mr. Fulton
Andrews and his charming wife.

Mrs. Kettle and I have met.
We sure have! Hiya, Tessie!

Fulton, I was once madly in love
with this enchanting lady.

Now, go on with you, Rodney.

I can understand that perfectly.

Where is your husband?

[Shouts]
Pa, come on in!

Company's here.
[ Gasps ]

Just gettin' into my shirt
when Ma called.

Better heat up the pot, Ma. Won't
do you no good unless it's hot.

Ow! Pa, take it easy! I just want
to soak my feet, not boil 'em.

P.A., this is Mr. Fulton Andrews,
president of our largest bank.

Uh--
Ah, nice to meet you.

It's a great privilege, P.A.

Pa's the name. You and Teresa
met on board, I understand.

Believe we did.
In the pool, wasn't it?

Teresa just dropped in to invite Mrs. Kettle
to a cocktail party at our home.

That's real neighborly of her. Give me a chance
to wear my new dress with the high collar.

That's impossible, Fulton. Nonsense!
One more won't matter.

If you could be there
about 4:00?

I'll be there, Tess. I always
did like to go to parties.

We better be leaving.
I have one of my headaches.

Stay right here.
I can fix that in a jiffy.

No, really.
I'd rather--

I learned from a medicine show man.
Came to our town when I was a girl.

Please don't trouble.
It'll go away.

Oh, no it won't!
It's no trouble at all.

Pa can tell ya. I'm pretty good at curing
up headaches, earaches, chilblains.

I'll be all right the minute I get
out in the fresh air. Sit down!

Ma knows all the cures. Keeps me in
perfect shape. Stop bragging Pa.

Let Tessie relax. Just take
a deep breath and let go!

[Cracking Noise]
[Screams]

♪♪ [ “Tiger Rag“]

I knew she'd work! Fulton,
help me get out of here!

Turn that darn thing down!

Please turn it down a little.

[Pa] Can't turn it down.
Knob's busted. Is that all?

You'll be feeling fine in--
Doggone!

I forgot to go into reverse!
[Cracking]

There! That
oughta make you feel good.

Never fails.
Cures me every time.

Fulton, take me out of this madhouse!
She was only helping you.

She'll see you tomorrow.
Good night, P.A. Pa's--

Coming, Rodney?
In a minute, Fulton.

Seemed in sort of a hurry
to get away, didn't they?

Don't mind that, P.A. Fulton's a little eccentric.
You know how bankers are.

I've called a board meeting at 9:00 tomorrow.
That seems a little early.

Don't worry, Rodney, he'll be there.
That's fine.

P.A., don't wear your sport clothes.
Wear what you wear every day to work.

Good night.
Good night.

[indistinct Chatting]

Morning, gentlemen.
Morning, Rodney.

[Gavel Pounding]

Gentlemen, you're gathered to meet one of
the most successful men in the States...

who has generously come to save
our company in time of crisis.

His sensational ideas
might seem eccentric.

But our salvation lies
in following his lead,

riding with his ideas,
walking as he walks.

Howdy.

Who's the tramp? Shh!
That's P.A. Kettle.

That's the new boss?
That's it.

Howdy, gentlemen.
Over here, P.A.

Gentlemen, my cousin Frank,
better known as P.A. Kettle.

How do you do, Mr. Kettle?

Name's Pa.

Nice little set
you got here.

Just a little thing I picked up for you.
Noticed yours wasn't playing too good.

Well, now, that's mighty
neighborly of you, Rodney.

[Clears Throat]

Gentlemen, let's proceed.

Somethin' wrong?

I think maybe
it's your hat, P.A.

Had it for 22 years.

Couldn't do a lick of work without
it sitting right here on my head.

Well, if that's the way you
got where you are today--

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen,
let's settle down.

The meeting
will now come to order.

Once more, Rodney.

All right, fellas. Thejob we've
done on the island is okay.

All we've got to do
is get P.A. over there.

Don't worry. We'll get him there.
No rough stuff.

We don't want to start an investigation.
We'll go easy on him.

Just keep him happy for a couple of days, and we're in.
What kind of a job is this?

You want us to collar this character, only
it ain't supposed to look like a grab.

And we gotta be nice to him.
I don't get it.

I just want him kept out of circulation for 48 hours.
That's all you need to know.

Oh, and don't let this guy
throw you.

He may look like a hick,
but he's dynamite.

This is our vat decompression room.
[Radio: Hawaiian]

Each vat decompresses
at different intervals.

There is no mixing of juices, each juice
retaining its individual flavor.

In the old days, it took a separate
day to squeeze each fruit...

with a complete cleaning
of presses.

This lever does it automatically
taking the place of five men.

- Very interesting, isn't it?
- Sure is.

Mighty nice of you
to give it to us.

Ma always wanted a portable to
set on the washing machine.

[ Music Continues]

Oh, yeah, that's very good, P.A.
I must tell that to Teresa.

Come on.

This is the receiving bin. From here, the
fruit is taken to the cleansing room.

Come on along.

In there we have
the testing and tasting room.

Each juice is personally tested and tasted
before it goes to the sealing room.

Don't you think we'd better
dispense with the, uh--

I mean,you can hear me
all right, P.A.?

It's okay, Rodney.
I can hear it fine.

[ Music Continues]

Couldn't they speed things up
a little, Rodney?

The assembly line is
my department, Fulton.

Note to the department heads:
clean underneath the tables.

After the core is taken out of the fruit,
it's given a final inspection here, P.A.

It does seem to me they
could move a little faster.

Are you still on that subject?
I was merely pointing out...

that by increasing working pace,
we could double production.

[Rodney] I've been running
this firm for 20 years.

If there were any steps to increase
production, I would've taken them!

You run your bank and leave
plant operations in my hands.

Maybe P.A. would have a suggestion. That's
what you brought him over here for.

Very well. lf it'll make you
feel better, I'll consult him.

I was wondering if you have any method
at home to speed up your workmen.

Pretty hard to speed up Geoduck and Crowbar.
Give it some thought.

It seems our workmen are
lagging behind in production.

I'll think about it soon as I
get my shoe tied. Thanks, P.A.

♪♪ [ Swing]

For goodness sakes, P.A.!

P.A., will you at least
show me a little consideration?

I'm showing you the factory
that means everything to me!

Everything I've got
is tied up in this enterprise.

I want you to know everything about
it so you can take over immediately.

You're absolutely right.
Nice tune, ain't it?

It's a miracle, P.A.! What did you do?
Stepped up the volume.

Stepped it up?
You doubled it, tripled it! Look!

Look!

It's pure genius! A simple thing like
music, and we never thought of it.

It's terrific, Mr. Kettle. Make a note:
loudspeakers in every department.

It's wonderful, stupendous,
colossal!

Congratulations, P.A.!
How did you ever hit on it?

Oh, wasn't nothin' no red-blooded
American wouldn't've done.

And there she was, my dears, dressed in something
that must have been bought at a fire sale,

soaking her feet in some sort of
evil-smelling brine, and-- Ouch!

And that emaciated leprechaun that Fulton
thinks will put the factory on its feet...

was running around half-naked in underwear
that must've come over on the Mayflower.

Evidently he had been
wearing it ever since.

Because-- Oh!
Do be more careful, Doreen.

Every muscle in my neck is
simply screaming with agony.

It must've been a frightful
experience, Teresa dear.

Mama thought she'd never see her
precious little Hookie-Hookie again.

I'm quite upset at the thought of meeting her,
though Edward says they're filthy with money.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]
As my closest friends,

I do hope you'll all bear
with me in this tribulation.

Of course we will, Teresa. That's
what friends are for, dear.

A Mrs. Ma Kettle
is calling, madam.

Show her in, Bradley.
That'll be all for now, Doreen.

I'll never forgive Fulton
for putting me through all this.

Do stop fiddling with that lamp.
I'll call when I want you again.

Mrs. Kettle.
Hiya, Tess!
Am I late for the shindig?

So nice of you to come.
You asked me, didn't ya?

May I present Mrs. Lawrence,
Mrs. Hill,

Mrs. Walter
and Miss Epplewhite.

Pleased to meet you all. How
do you do, Mrs. Kettle?

Won't you sit down?
Don't mind if I do.

Any of you with bunions know
how they can bite on a hot day.

Will madam have
some refreshment?

Why don't you whistle when you
come pussyfootin' around?

Like to scared the gizzard
out of me.

Bradley wants to know
what you'd care to drink.

A glass of cold buttermilk if
you've got it handy.
Buttermilk?

Best drink in the world on a hot clay.
Cools you off in a jiffy.

Yes, indeed, madam.

Shall I serve the hors d'oeuvres,
Mrs. Andrews?

Yes, Bradley.

Have you heard that delightful recording
of Tchaikovsky's “Prelude in 'E' Sharp?“

I've ordered it
from the mainland.

Anything of Tchaikovsky's
is fascinating!

I've heard this new rendition by the
Manhattan Symphony is the last worn'!

Do you care for Tchaikovsky,
Mrs. Kettle?

How's that?
Do you like Tchaikovsky?

Tell you the truth, I ain't had time to
try any of your “Haywiian“ dishes yet.

But I expect it's
pretty good eatin'.

One doesn't eat Tchaikovsky,
Mrs. Kettle.

One drinks it in.

I'll drink my buttermilk, if it's
all the same to you. Much obliged.

Hors d' oeuvres?

Don't mind if I do!

Cute way of fixin' 'em,
ain't it?

Even got the toothpicks handy!
I'll try this on Pa sometime.

I'd like to see his face when he gets
a pork chop with a toothpick in it!

Must've jumped
clean down my throat!

Are you interested in modern
painting, Mrs. Kettle?

Pa does the paintin' around our
place when I can get him to do it.

I just whitewash
the fences.

Ain't got much taste to 'em,
have they?

Have you read the new
collection of Herman Melville?

It's simply exquisite. I haven't had a
spare moment in weeks, but I intend to.

You'll adore it! It has the
quality of Sir Francis Bacon.

Do you like Bacon,
Mrs. Kettle?

I sure do! I feel like a piece right now...
done good and crisp.

Madam.

Thanks.
just what I needed.

[Crunching]

Oh!
Can you imagine!

Quiet, girls. I want you to hear this
violin recording by Vittore Segaski.

It's simply exquisite. Fulton
paid a collector $200 forit.

[ Classical ]
[Whining]

What happened to your dog?
Get caught in an electric fan?

Shh.
[ Continues ]

[Crunching]

Quiet, please,
Mrs. Kettle.

[ Continues]
[ Crunching Continues]

Listen to the perfect phrasing
of this passage,

the delicate overtones,
its breathless beauty.

Yeah, he plays
a nice fiddle.

Hey, you bring that back!

[Women Screaming]

My priceless record!

It don't fit so good, but it's
better than goin' barefooted.

[Sighing, Groaning]

[Excited Chatting]

[Snoring]

Uh, Mr. Kettle?

Mr. Kettle?

Oh, where was I?

“Dear Crowbar.“
And Geoduck.

Got just a moment
to spare, so, uh--

Mr. Kettle,
how do you spell Geoduck?

You know how to spell “go,“ don't ya?
Mm-hmm.

Know how to spell “duck,“ don't ya?
Well, shove 'em together.

Dear kids, me, Ma and
Rosie are feelin' fine.

Hopin' you're behavin' yourself and
you haven't wrecked the camp yet.

I remain very truly yours,
your father Pa.

[ Buzzing]

Hello, Pa Kettle speaking.

[Buzzing Continues]

Hello.
This is Pa Kettle.

[ Buzzing Continues]
Hello!

One of you answer. It's in the
inner office, Mr. Kettle.

[Intercom ] There's a Professor
Gilfallen here, Mr. Kettle.

I can't see him now.
I'm all tied up.

Good morning.

I am Professor Gilfallen of the
Honolulu College of Agriculture.

M.D., Ph.D., D.A.
and P.F.

With all them letters,
you oughta know quite a lot.

May I speak to you
in confidence?

[ Door Closes]
Mr. Kettle.

Pa's the name.
Oh, Mr. Pa,

how would you like to increase the
quality of your product 165%?

Well--
Of course you would!

After 3,756
gruelling experiments,

I have struck
a formula.

Poured into the pressure pump, it
brings out and locks into the juice...

a lost element,
which I have named XP-252.

You don't say.

You being a man of vision and
action, I have brought it to you.

That's right neighborly of you.

I guarantee a quality
and flavor of juice...

no firm on Earth
can duplicate.

Mm-mmm. Looks like
potato bug poison.

Experiment today.

If it does not fulfill every
promise, I demand nothing.

When it doubles your sales,
a small percentage.

My attorney will call on you
this afternoon to talk terms.

Good morning.

Do you wish to go on with
your dictation, Mr. Kettle?

Not now. I got
business to attend to.

Memo: Have the heads of all the departments
meet me in the vat pressing room in an hour.

Get Ma on the phone.
Yes, sir.

Never mind.
I'll get her myself.

[Ringing]

Yeah?
Pa Kettle speaking.

That's funny. Nobody answers.
lfl may make a suggestion.

I think you're trying to talk to yourself.
Is that so?

Wrong number.

Pa sure must have
somethin' good this time.

I hope we'll have the success with
this as we had with his music.

P.A., we're sure anxious
to see this experiment work.

No use rushin', Rodney.
Spoils your digestion.

If this does what you say it
does, you'll save the factory.

Once I set my mind to a thing,
I always get results.

Get off that thing, Pa,
'fore you fall in.

Don't go to frettin', Ma.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Well, that's it, fellas.

Here she goes.

[ Exploding]
[Shouting]

Just when I was figurin' on
you amountin' to somethin',

you go and do
a fool thing like that.

I wonder what Rodney will do
when he comes to.

Most likely fire ya. We'll have a
hard time gettin' back to the kids.

You think it will be that soon?
What do you expect him to do?

Give you a prize
for blowing up his factory?

How do we get him away from her?
They might sit there for hours.

Relax. We'll get our chance.
Cut the motor.

You know, Ma--

You got a piece of pineapple in your hat.
Got some down my back too.

If you had some mayonnaise, you
could dish me up as a fruit salad.

Can't understand it explodin' like that.
The man said it was foolproof.

Hmph! Maybe it was,
but you're not.

Why do you do what other people tell you?
Why can't you be more like Rodney?

I wish I could be. You'd
have more use for me then.

I like his get-up-and-go! He
always did have a lot of gumption.

That's somethin'
you never had.

Maybe you should've married him
in the first place 'stead of me.

Mmm,
maybe I should've.

Then I wouldn't be sittin' here
on a bench in a foreign island...

wonderin' if I'm ever
gonna see my kids again.

Wish you
hadn't said that, Ma.

It's just you make me
so doggone mad!

C'mon! Let's go back to
the hotel and start packin'.

You go ahead. I'm gonna sit
here a while and think.

About what? I haven't
thought that up yet.

In that case,
you'll be here all night.

Don't sit there
till you get cold.

Okay, Eddie.
and remember the orders.

Treat him gently.

Don't worry about me.
I'll do okay.

[ Engine Rewind]

All right, get goin'.

[Pa Thinking]
Best thing to do for Ma...

is to fix it so
she can marry Rodney.

But lf I did something to make her
proud of me, she wouldn't want to.

That's the thing to do,
I guess.

I beg your pardon,
but do you have a match?

Oh, howdy.
I must've been thinkin'.

That's a good thing to do once in a while.
Brushes the cobwebs out of your hair.

That ain't cobwebs.
That's pineapple.

Cigarette?

You seem to have something
on your mind.

Ma. That's my wife,
you know.

I let her down.
She's real mad at me.

You have lots of other
married men for company.

Match?
Yeah, thanks.

Ma's thinkin' of leavin' me
for another fella.

Come now, sir. I bet you're exaggerating.
No, I ain't.

Gotta do somethin' mighty quick to make up for it.
Wouldn't wanna lose Ma.

My dear sir,
this is a coincidence.

I thinkl can help you. That's
mighty friendly of you.

What I can offer has an element of risk and danger.
Would you be willing to take it?

As long as there ain't too
much work connected with it.

Do you know what this is?
Looks like a map.

This is a map of a treasure
buried on the island of Kaiaiu.

You don't say. You goin'
over there to dig it up?

I can't, but that's
where I can help you.

Poor Pa.
He must feel terrible.

Anybody can make
a mistake, Rosie.

Don't forget Pa's still the most
important man in the company.

In fact, if he doesn't sign the papers
soon, there won't be any company.

That looks like Pa over there.
I wonder who he's talking to.

Let's go see if we
can cheer him up a bit.

You see, unsavory characters here
in Honolulu know I have this map.

If I were to go over to Kalalu, they'd
follow me and take the treasure.

Now, a man in your position could get
over there without being suspected.

We'll split 50-50.
Will you do it?

Finding a buried treasure
might do the trick.

How could I
get over to this island?

Go to dock 46. There's a boat called
the Huma Huma that goes to Kalalu.

Keep this under your hat.

My hat.

Pa? Hello, Rosie. Howdy, Bob.

That fellow you were talking to
looks familiar. Who was he, Pa?

A good friend. So long, kids.
Where're you going?

I'm not allowed to say.
It's a secret.

A round trip to Kalalu
will be ten bucks.

Sounds reasonable.

Have to wait a few minutes.
I'm expecting other passengers.

I'll give you five now,
five when we get back.

All right.

All set, Skipper? Okay, hop in.
Let's shove off.

You say you haven't
seen him?

Any word from Pa?
No, Rosie.

Did you and Bob find out anything?
No, Ma.

Rosie, I'm worried.

When your Pa don't show up for meals,
you can bet your boots he's in trouble.

I thought you were
mad at him, Ma.

I can be mad at him and fret about
him at the same time, can't I?

[ Phone Ringing]
That must be Pa.

Hello? Hello?
Bob, did you find out anything?

Yes, plenty. Coates is trying to
prevent Pa from signing the agreement.

Kidnapped?
To the island of Kalalu?

Where's that? How do you get there?
Bob, can you--

I've got one of them
right--

Bob! Bob, what's wrong?
Answer me!

You stay here. I'll find
out where he is! Bob!

Hey, General, how do
you get to Kalamazoo?

Kalamazoo, madame? Maybe I
ain't pronouncin' it right.

It's an island.
Ah! Kalalu.

That's it. I've got to hire a boat.
Get me a taxi quick.

The last cabjust left. However,
he might take you. He ohanakane.

I don't care what he is. Call the
baby buggy, and let's get started.

[Whistling]

This lady wants a boat to Kalalu.
She's in awful hurry.

Americans always in hurry.

[Speaking Hawaiian]

Stop thatjabberin'.
Let's get goin'.

Nice day.
Yeah.

You fellas know this island
pretty well?

Yeah.

Maybe... you know where
this place is.

Why, sure. We can take
you right to the spot.

Well, much obliged.

You seem like
real strong fellows.

Comes from clean livin', pop.

Figure you'd be pretty handy with a
pick and shovel. Pick and shovel?

Got an idea there's some
treasure buried over there.

Thought we, uh, might find it,
if you fellas care to dig a little.

Dig?

Oh, dig. Why don't
you dig for it?

My back troubles me.
I can't stand any strain.

If you fellas
wanna help me,

I might cut you in
for 10% or so.

Much obliged, pop,
but we wouldn't want to rob ya.

Oh, you wouldn't be robbin' me.
You'd be doin' your share.

I don't wanna be selfish,
you know.

Thanks, but we don't
know much about diggin'.

The gentleman asked you to help
him dig, you help him dig.

Oh, kinda hot
for that sorta stuff.

You fellas gonna do a little
shooting on the island?

Not unless it's
absolutely necessar-

Faster!
Step on it! Faster!

Step on it!
Faster! Faster!

Hold your horses!
You're supposed to wait!

Well, at least I saved
five dollars.

That him?
Yeah.

Who's he? Guide. Knows the
island like a racing form.

Well, better be movin' if you fellas
expect to finish the diggin' by sundown.

Digging? Yeah.
Ain't it gruesome?

Cmon.
I'll explain it to you.

'Spose that boat fella'll be back?
Sure.

Ma frets if I'm out after dark.
She's the frettin' type.

All we've gotta do
is find the right tree.

Ain't gonna get rich loitering around, men.
Let's get started.

Coates's orders.
Come on.

One, two, three,

four, five,

six.

Now according to the map, you
can start diggin' right here.

What are you gonna do? There's gotta
be a boss in every job, you know.

Okay, boys.
let's keep him happy.

You know, you can carry
this sort of thing too far.

Hey, wake up!

If you're alive,
snap out of it!

You speak to me, missy?
I sure did.

Me run no more.
Me pooped.

Nobody's askin' you to run. I just
wanna know where that boat dock is.

One mile straight ahead.
You pull.

[ Honking] Get that
thing off the street!

[ Honking Continues]

I got fingers
I never knew I had.

Let's knock this off...
him at the same time.

As long as he's happy,
we keep goin'.

Let's keep on workin', boys.

Never get nowheres talkin'.

Hey, thought you said I could catch
a boat here for that island.

I show you.

Very good boat.
[Whistles]

I'm supposed to ride in one of those peanut shells?
Yes, very good boat.

He very good too.
He ohanakane.

ls everybody in “Hiwaii“
a “hany“ whatever-you-call-it?

Ohanakane
means brother.

The doorman, he, me,
him... we all ohanakane.

I hope he can paddle
faster than you can run.

I can't pull that thing over water.
I ain't webfooted, you know.

Find anything yet?

The only thing I found
is more dirt.

Well, keep diggin'.
We're bound to strike it.

Gotta figure this
from all angles.

That's right, he was kidnapped.
And now Phoebe's disappeared.

How many men?
How should I know?

While you waste time asking
questions-- That's more like it.

Meet you at the dock
in 2O minutes.

Police are gonna take us to Kalalu. We'll have P.A.
out of this in no time.

This isn't gonna do
your heart any good, Mr. Kettle.

When we find P.A.,
my heart will be as good as new.

C'mon, use some
elbow grease!

Faster! Faster!

Howdy.

Howdy. Aloha.

My name's Pa Kettle.

Me Papa Lotus.

I'm pleased to meet you, Papa.

Likewise, Pa.

Kettle! C'mon up here
on the double.

What's cookin'?
Kettle took a powder.

What? That's why he
kept us digging.

Cmon, let's get 'im. He's gotta
be around here someplace.

Kettle!

Mighty tasty this.

You say this stuff is made
with sugarcane? Uh-huh.

I always thought Lem Teller's
cider was powerful,

but it never hit me like this.

Whoopee.
Yeah, Whoopee.

Kettle!

Guess I've had about enough,
thank you, Papa.

Say, you wouldn't happen to have
any pipe tobacco, would you?

Always plenty on hand.

It spit a little at first,
but it quiet down.

[Crackling]

Sure is nice and peaceful.

Not a sound to disturb
a man's rest.

[ Horn Bellowing]
Let' s get mcmn'.

It's only Mama Lotus
call the family to lunch.

You eat with us. That's mighty neighborly.
I could eat a hot dog.

Cmon, you “honykanies?
We haven't got all day.

Sorry, no can paddle faster.

Arms tired.

Arms tired? Hah!

You oughta try doin'
a full day's wash.

You like lomi lomi?
Can't say as I ever tasted it.

Nice to have company for lunch.
I sure am enjoying myself.

Wish Ma was here to see the kids.
What's their names?

Lomi lomi!
January.

February.
March.

April. May. June.

July.
August.

September .
October .

Novemmber .
December .

What are you gonna do
from here on in?

We've always got
the alphabet.

I hope Ma never thinks of that.
April?

Pass the poi.
Pa hasn't had any.

Well, uh, doesn't seem
to be any spoon.

This is poi.
You eat like this.

All right to eat with your
fingers in front of the kids?

Ma always makes me
watch my manners.

It's Hawaiian custom.
Try it.

Well, if you're sure
it's all right.

Mama make good poi.

Delicious.

[Hawaiian]

[Singing In Hawaiian]

[Snoring]

[ Singing Continues]

♪ I'll go to California ♪

JWhen I return
we'll be married ♪

♪ What do you want me
to bring you ♪

♪ She answered
very shyly;

♪ I want a hat
with a crooked crown ♪

♪ I want a pair
of high-heeled shoes ♪

JA Spanish shawl
with a fringe;

♪ A scalloped petticoat ♪

♪ And a very tight
short dress ♪

♪♪ [ Continues In Hawaiian]

JA hat with a crooked crown ♪

; A pair of
high-heeled shoes g

[Hawaiian]

Remember, just a little tap.
Not too hard.

Look, Mama!
Pa is gone!

That's strange!
March, you go upstairs and look.

The rest of you search!

Hey, Papa. Wake up.

Pa's gone. [Ma Shouting] Pa!

Pa! Pa Kettle! Pa!

Where are ya?

Pg]

Mama, it sounds like
the banshees of Kalalu.

Pa! Pa Kettle!

Pa, where are ya?

Pa!

I'm lookin' for Pa Kettle.

You are Ma Kettle?
Sure am.

Aloha. Welcome to Kalalu.

Howdy. Where's Pa? He
was there a minute ago.

He ain't there now, and Pa
ain't one to sprout wings.

Three men carry Pa
through jungle that way.

They're the kidnappers.
Howdy. Aloha.

Me Papa Lotus.
We find Pa.

Kids, prepare for battle.

[Kids Cheering]

Come on.

[indistinct Shouting]

Company, attention!

Where there's a fight on,
kids sure are a blessin'.

You are used to children. I oughta be.
I got 15 commandos of my own.

Company,
turn to the right.

Forward march.

Papa, this way.

Somebody gotta
hold down the fort.

No worry, Mama.
Keep going.

There's somethin' about him
that reminds me of Pa.

I hope not.
Papa laziest man I ever met.

Hah! That's it.
I knew it was somethin'.

Ma, you try this.

Those pineapples are too little to
be away from their ma, ain't they?

You come back.

You watch.

Forward march.

Where'd your kids learn to make those torpedoes?
Soldiers show them how.

Lucky for Cape Flattery mine
don't live near an army camp.

Sure beats digging.

Should've knocked him out in the first place.
You topped him too hard.

He's still out. Why
didn't you take it easy?

With all these blisters, did
they know what they was doin'?

You two kids run ahead, and watch out.
Here, Mama.

We'll see how the rest
of'em are doin'.

Now, move on slow.

Who's that?
That's December.

Hah! Chip off
the old block!

lust along for the ride? He'll
be there when we need him.

Shh.

Stay here.

[Bird Whistle]

What was that?

A bird, stupid.
Deal.

[ Bird Whistle]

That's February.
He must've spotted them.

Come on, kids,
and be careful.

[Whistles]
That was no bird.

That was someone whistlin'.

The old man's out like alight.

It wasn't him.

They're just up ahead.
We'll surround them.

You take six months.
The rest will come with me.

Keep down.
Come on.

Get ready, kids.

Fire!

Fire!

- Fire!
- Fire!

- Fire!
- Fire!

Fire!

They got us surrounded!

Fire!

Kettle must've tipped us off
someway, but how?

Who cares?
They outsmarted us.

I've only got a couple of slugs left.
Me too!

Hold off till you see
something to aim at.

You draw their fire, and we'll
draw them from behind the rocks.

Okay.

Fire!

Fire!

Shorty, take a look.

You take a look!

There they are.
Let 'em have it!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

They got me.
I'm plugged.

It's only coconut milk, Ma.
Gee whiz!

I thought they had me for sure.
Keep firin'!

Fire!

We got three of'em. I'm gonna save
my last slug to make it count.

Fire!

Fire!

- Fire!
- Aah!

Get into the shack!

Must have Pa in that shack.

Keep down, everybody.
We'll get to them rocks.

Mama, here's Honokai. This should
send them out that other door.

Here you go, Honokai.

It's too quiet out there.
Must be up to something.

Shorty, crawl over to that
window and take a look.

- Ouch!
- Aim for the window.

Ouch! Ouch!
Ouch! Ouch!

Here comes Mama.
She's come to join up with us.

We gotta figure a way
to get 'em out that back door.

Gimme that baby pineapple.
We'll scare 'em out.

Your kids in the trees ready?

Yes, Ma, they're ready.

Do your duty, and look out for Pa.
Get rid of it, Ma!

Now hit 'em with
everything you've got!

[Coughing] What do
we do about him?

It's every man for himself now.
Chicago was never like this.

Cover'em like
gophers in a salt sack!

Cmon, kids!
Let's go get 'em!

[Men Groaning]

[ Pa]
In here! I, I--

[Mumbling] Unfasten him. He's
squeezin' the life outta me.

Stand still so
I can unlatch him.

Goodness, Pa Kettle, you can cause
more trouble than a handful of bees.

Don't scold him.
What he did, he did for you.

That's the truth, Ma,
so help me.

If blowin' up a factory and gettin'
kidnapped's for me, you can quit right now.

He was searching for treasure
to make you proud of him.

The only treasure I want,
Mama Lotus, I've got.

That's our children.
What about Rodney?

If I'd wanted Rodney, I wouldn't be here
fightin' the Battle of Bull Run for you.

Ma!
Pa!

That's Rodney, Rose and Bob.
They've come to get us.

[indistinct Shouting,
Cheering]

Pa, I'm so glad
nothing happened to you.

I can't exactly say
nothin' happened, Rosie.

You too, Ma. You had us worried sick.
You should've waited for us.

If I'd waited for you, Pa migh've
been eaten alive by land crabs.

Congratulations, P.A.
You did it again.

What'd he do now?
Fooled us all.

If you're talkin' about them letters I
wrote you, I've been tryin' to explain.

I'm talking about the explosion.
It was a stroke of genius. It was?

Our chemist analyzed
the liquids you used,

which homogenized the varied and
combined juices into a sensational nectar.

You don't say. The bank is
showering us with credit.

With no more worries, my doctors have
given me a clean bill of health.

I'd like you to stay with us
as my partner.

That's mighty kind of you,

but there's pressing business
calling me back to the mainland.

That's right. It sure is pretty here,
but it's no place for Pa and me.

He's got 15 important things to
take care of in Cape Flattery.

Well, I'm sorry.
But as our farewell,

we'll have a luau tonight
that you'll remember forever.

[Singing In Hawaiian]

What are you smokin'? Smells
like somebodys shoein' a horse.

You're pretty close.
It's coconut plug.

Pour somethin' on it.
Let's sit down.

Rodney's gonna make
a speech.

Friends, we are gathered here tonight to
honor a man of foresight and courage.

What more fitting way to honor him than to
dress as he did when he first came to us,

the clothes that symbolize
the man... and his success.

I always did have
faith in ya, Pa.

I knew you'd make good someday.
Thank you, Ma.

Have some poi? Keep your
fingers out of the food.

That's Hawaiian custom.
Try some.

Glad the kids
can't see me doin' this.

Tasty, isn't it? Best
wallpaper paste I ever ate.

Well... thanks.

Another Hawaiian custom?

Well, it sure is, Ma.