Ma and Pa Kettle Go to Town (1950) - full transcript

When Pa wins a jingle-writing contest, he and Ma head for New York City. They they get in trouble with gangsters when they lose some stolen money which they had already agreed to deliver to one of the thugs.


Pancake flour.

Didn't do much good winnin' the
new house, Ma. How's that?

Three bathrooms
and I still can't get in.

You got to expect that
when you got 15 kids.

We should have had less kids
and more bathrooms.

Wash up afteryou finish
milkin' the cow.

All right, Ma.

[Timer Rings]

Hi, Bossie.

[Thumps Chair]

JJ_'[ Radio,
“Tlger Rag“]

[Thumps Chair]
[Radio Stops]

Wrong station.

[ Radio] It's 6:15, and KMAF,
the farmer's station...

“Music to Milk By.“

Science has proved that the
relaxed cow gives more milk.

Here's a musical medley to give
your cow that contented feeling.

♪♪ [ “The Blue Danube“]


Here's a letter
for you...

from the
Bubble-Ola Company.

Must be about my winning
that free trip to New York.

Go ahead and open it.

All right, if you're
sure you don't mind.

“Dear Mr. Kettle: Confirming
our telegram of the 16th,

“enclosed are your rail road
tickets to New York.

“A reservation has been made for
you at the Waldorf-Astoria.

“Congratulations again...

“on winning the big
Bubble-Ola letter contest.

“Your envy on
Why! Like Bubble-Ola...

“was a sincere and magnificent
tribute to our product.

“I'm looking forward to meeting you
and your charming wife personally.

“Very truly yours,
1.]. Schumacher,

“Vice Pres.

“RS. On rereading
your flattering letter,

“the stockholders voted to
send you an additional prize:

“a ten-year supply
of Bubble-Ola...

for each and every member
of your family.“

A ten-year supply!

I don't know what we're gonna do with the stuff.
'Tain't fit for drinkin'.

Wonder what it is good for.
Don 't rightly/mow

Was gonna write and
tell 'em how bad it was...

but I found out they don't
give prizes for that.

Too bad we can't
take that trip.

How's that?
Can't go?

Ain't nobody'll stay
with the kids.

I tried to tell 'em they ain't
really wild... just growin'.

Now, Ma, ain't no need
to apologize for our kids.

All 15 are chips
off the old block.

Any more chips, there won't
be any more old block.

Sure would have had
a whoop-de-doo in New York.

Could've seen
Tom and Kim too.

What's it say, Ma?

Beginning tonight, they're gonna
stop ringin' the 9:00 curfew bell.

'Bout time!

I always said it was
wakin' up too many people.

Hmm. They haven't caught that
bank robber, Shotgun Munger,

who stole $100,000.
You don't say?

They think he's
headin' out this way.

Got all the
roads blocked.

Oughta put up
a towel rack, Ma.

Ain't nobody stoppin' ya.

maybe after breakfast.

I'll have to go up to the old
house and get some tools.

Sure would like to have seen New York.
Sit down, Pa.


[Children Chattering,

Much obliged.

Hold it!

P.S. If you can see your way clear
for Ma and me to take the trip,

much obliged again.

There you are.

All right.
I'll go get the milk.

Pa, why are you puttin'
ketchup on your cakes?

It comes out easier.


[ Indistinct Bang]

[ Chickens Clucking]


Anybody home?
Anybody home?






[ Barks]



Who are you?

Pa Kettle.

What's your game?

I don't mind checkers now and then
if the stakes ain't too high.

Cut it!
What do you want?

Excuse me for
disturbing you,

but I own this house and-- Oh.

I was taking a nap. I've been driving
all night and I've got a flat.

I figured you saw the sign
and wanted to rent the place.

Rent this? Let me
show you around.

It's very livable.

Yeah, if you happen
to be a cockroach.

You can see for yourself
it's airy,

mighty comfortable.

Make yourself to home.

You must be hungry,


What brings you
up our way, Mnjones?

Well, you see,
I'm a, uh--

I'm a... apoet.

I came up here to get
away from it all. A poet?

I thought you might be
a traveling salesman.

Lot of them visit farms,
you know.

I heard stories
about that.

What kind of poetry
you write?

Well, the regular kind. Oh.

Like what? 'jackandjill
went up a hill--“

That's a mighty well-known poem.
You write that?

To be honest, on that poem
I had to cut another guy in.

Oh. Well, there ain't
nothing to eat here.

Come down to the new place and
Ma'll fix something for ya.

No, no time.
I'm headin' up north,

someplace where
I can hide out.

And write.

I need peace and quiet.

Plenty of peace and quiet
around here.

Where you from?
New York.

I won a free trip to
New York, but I can't go.

You see, I-- I got a tire
that needs changin'.

Lemme give you a hand.

I got a son in New York,
Tom Kettle.

Maybe you
heard of him?

There's eight million people
in New York, Pop. It's Pa.

Sure would like to go to New York.
I ain't stoppin' ya.

Can't. Got nobody to watch the kids.
That's too bad.

What's the name of this town, Pop?
It's Pa.

This here's
Cape Flattery.

How far are you from a city?

That's a
hundred miles away.

Not bad.

I was thinkin' ofwritin' a poem about a small town.
This may be the place.

Tell me about the...
the birds,

the trees, the grass,
the police department.

Got much of a police department?
just a sheriff.

Course he only works
part time.

I think I know how you can go
to New York, Pop. it's Pa.

I'll stay at your house, write
me poetry and watch the kids.

You can go to New York with Mom.
It's Ma.

Oh, the kids'll bother you.
Nah, I love kids.

As far as I'm concerned,
this is a perfect setup,


Thanks, son.

I don't like it.

How can we leave our kids
in the hands of a stranger?

How can we leave a stranger
in the hands ofour kids?

It's him or nobody, Ma. We don't
know a thing about this Mnjones.

Well, I'm a pretty good
judge of character,

and that boy has an honest
face if ever I saw one.

Take another look.

All he needs
is a shave.

Take a lawn mower
to shave him.

What's his business?
He's a poet.

A Poet!

An honest to goodness poet
stayin' at my house!

Why didn't you say so?

I'm Ma, Mnjones.

A pleasure, madam. You're even
prettier than your picture.

That's Kim,
my daughter-in-law.

You could fool me

Pa says you're a poet.

Why, I, uh--
I dabble at it.

I don't know much about poetry, but I
used to recite a poem for the kids.

I don't know whether I remember it or not.
Well, go on, try.

“Tom, Torn, the piper's son
stole a pig- ♪ A heistjob.

“Tom, Torn, the piper's son
stole a pig and away he run.”

Took it on the lam? No, Mary had the lamb.
This was a pig.

“The pig was eat and Tom was beat.
And Tom went- ♪

Now, where did he go?
Up the river?

No, it wasn't up
any river.

Maybe he went
to the rock.

No, it wasn't any rock.
Oh, I know.

“The pig was eat
and Tom was beat.

And Tom went marching
down the street.“

Gee, I like that.
I'm glad you do.

It's got a moral:
“Crime don't pay.“

Now, get this, Louie. They're
leaving for New York tomorrow.

I'm givin' them the bag
with the hundred Gs in it.

Don't worry, they're square.
[ Doorbell Chiming]

Hold on, Louie.

I have your monthly quota of Bubble-Ola.
Bring it in.

Where'll I put it? Right here.
Anywhere's all right.

They check into
the Waldorf on Saturday.

With their kissers, nobody'll
suspect they're carrying the stuff.

Shotgun, ain't this risky? They
may be smarter than they look.

They'd have to be.

I'm sending a snapshot
so you'll recognize them.

We gotta take this chance.

New York is the only place
we can shove the hot money.

Suppose Kettle opens the bag.
Then what?

He won't. I'm a good
judge of character,

and this ol' boy has an honest
face if I've ever seen one.

Call me the minute
you get the bag. Ow!

What happened?

What a collection
of brats!

These people are raising their
own reform school. Now, Louie--



Run along and play,
little one.

I'd sooner drink D.D.T.

So, good-bye,
dear brother Louie.

And don't forget to take me
poetry books back to the library.


Well, they're overdue
and it ain't nice...

to keep things that
don't belong to us.

Hey, Shotgun,
you all right?

[Motor Whirs]

Benjamin's underweight.
No, George is underweight.

No, it's Sarah. Which one
of you kids is underweight?

Me, Ma! Oh, Billy. Of course!

Be sure he gets
plenty to eat.

And keep Rosie and Ted
from fightin'.

Make sure the kids have a big breakfast
before they go off to school.

Pa, I don't think
we oughta go.

It's gonna be too much for Mnjones.
You gotta go.

It's the first vacation you've ever had.
Don't worry.

Leave everything to me. I won't
take me eyes off'em for a minute.


Ah, Willie!
He's a rascal.

You gotta watch him.
I sure will.

Come on, folks.
Time to get aboard.

Come on, Pa.

Pa! Hey, Pa!

Howdy, Geoduck.

Howdy, Crowba r. Mm m.

Good-bye gift.
It's a dandy.

Look inside.

Well, that's
mighty nice of you.

What's it for? Pa
take to New York.

Buy back Manhattan Island...
for us.

I see.

All aboard!

Uh, Ma, Pa. I promised to send
this empty bag to me brother.

Doyou mind?
Be glad to oblige.

Where'll we find him? He'll
pick it up at the hotel.

[ Train Whistle

All aboard!


Al/aboard' Come on, Pa!
You kids bring the bags.

[Whistle Blowing]

Don't hold much
with trains underground.

Feel like a gopher
when you come out.

[ P.A. Announcer,

How 'bout a redcap,

No, thanks.
I'm a derby man myself.

Had this one
15 years.

Ma and Pa!

Oh, there's Kim!

Ma and Pa,
how are you?

How are ya? You both
look wonderful!

Where's Tom? He's trying to
raise money for his incubator.

He'll meet us back at the hotel.
Nice-lookin' city.

Pa, this is the station.
Wait till you get outside.

Let me help you with your bags.
All right.

[ Horn Honking] [ Woman] Taxi!






Hello, Mr. Masterson.
Glad to see you back.

Roberts, I'm staying at the club tonight.
Take the luggage.

Yes, sir.
I'll tell Mrs. Masterson.

Cmon, Kim.
Cmon, Pa.

You can see better
up here, Ma.


Never mind, Pa. The bellhops'll
take care of that.

I could've sworn
I brought it.

I'll look in the lobby, sir. Was it tagged?
It had Pa's name on it,

in care of the

I'll check with Grand Central Station.
That's mighty nice.

Oh, boy.

Thank you.

What'd you do that for?
You owe the boy money?

That's a tip.

In New York, when people do things
for you, you give them money.

Don't seem right.

Ma's always doing things for me, and
I ain't had to give her a cent.

[ Doorbell Buzzes]

Don't stand there, Pa.
Go ahead and answer the door.

I'm a friend of Louie's.

He sent me for the bag
his brother give ya.

I don't have it.

Well, I, I-- They, uh--
What'd you say, Ma?

Our things haven't come
from the station yet.


Well, I'll keep
in touch with you.

I didn't have the heart
to tell the boy we lost it.

Don't feel good about losin'
somebody else's property.

- Was there anything valuable in it?
- He said it was empty.

Ifit don't show up,
we'll buy him another one.

Ma, that idea
is a lulu!

Shouldn't be
too hard to match.

Town as big as this
must have a general store.

Looks just like the
postcard Tom sent us.

Hello, Louie?

Kettle got here,
but the black bag didn't.

just like I said.

They tell me the bag ain't come from the
station, but their room is full of luggage.

I warned Munger about this!

Kettle's trying to cut himself in.
He's got to have that bag someplace.

Don't let him out of your sight. He's got
the bag somewhere, and we're gonna get it!

How do you do?

Don't tell me.
You're Ma and Pa Kettle.

Guess who I am. 1.]. Schumacher
of the Bubble-Ola Company.

How do you like New York? Great city!
No place on earth like it.

How'd you like your trip?
I knew you'd like it.

How do you like
these accommodations?

You can 5a y that again! There isn't
a finersuite in the Waldorf-Astoria.

Is this all Bubble-Ola is
gonna do for you? No sirree.

Have we got a program
planned for you! And how!

You're going to the Rendezvous
Room of the Plaza for dinner...

and back here to the
Starlight Room for dancing.

You'll shop in the best stores on
Fifth Avenue-- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Excuse me.

Come in. Put it
right down there.

And pour it.
Thank you, sir.

You'll see the best shows on Broadway,
the ball game, Coney Island.

Are you gonna have fun?
You bet you are.

Now, here's your schedule
and your tickets.

How much is this gonna cost? Nothing.
It's all on Bubble-Ola.

Know what this is?

Took the liberty
of ordering a toast.

There you are.

To the Kettles!
Long may they wave!

Ahh! You have no idea what
this does for your stomach.

What time is it?

Oh, gotta run!
Busy man.

I'll see you later. Want to
hear more about your trip.

Hey, do the Kettles live here?
Oh, Tom!

Howdy, son.
Hiya, Pa.


Oh, hello, Ma!
Bless your heart.

Let me look at you.
You haven't changed a bit.

You think so? Well, I'd
know you anywhere.

Oh, Tom!

Hello, Pa.

It sure is good
to see you two.

Sure do things funny here.

Back home you couldn't keep a young
married couple from kissin'!



I guess I have
incubators on my mind.

Got a problem?
About $ 70,000 worth.

I can't go into production until I get it.
If you weren't so stubborn--

Look, Ma, all he has to do
is-- All I have to do...

is find the bank that
will lend me the money.

Sit down, Ma. I got a million
questions to ask you.

Numbers one to fourteen, how are the kids?
Oh,just fine.

Hope they're not gettin' in
that nice Mr.jones's hair.

Mlijones, did Benjamin
throw his oatmeal at you?

No. I got a poor memory.
I forgot where my mouth was.

Why did you throw your oatmeal at Mnjones?
I don't want any more.

I don't blame him! Since Ma
left, all we eat is oatmeal.

Yeah. I've eaten
so much of this stuff,

every time I sit down
I squish.

Mnjones, maybe we'd better
get one of Ma's friends...

to come in and help. No, no, no!
I, coul-- Uh--

I couldn't write me poetry
with too many people around.

I don't need help.
Benjie's a good boy.

This time we're gonna eat our cereal.
Ain't we, Benjie?

Nope! I wanna play leapfrog.
Not now!

Come on, Benjamin.
It'll put muscles on ya.

Open your mouth.

It'll grow hair on your chest.
Open your mouth, Benjamin.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

Open your-- on!

Somebody get me
a towel!


I Munger]
Hurry! A napkin!

[ Laughing]

Stop it!

[ Doorbell Chimes]
Don't nobody move.

I'll be right back.

[ Chimes Continue] Take it easy.
I'm comin'!

Here's the rest of your monthly
allotment of Bubble-Ola.

More? Every month for
the next ten years.

Say, that's a sweet setup you got here.
What was that?

Look at all those buttons:
radio, television, windows.

Everything's automatic.


[ Children Laughing]

I told you
to stay in there.

We want to play leapfrog.
No, you're too wild.

Can we play the radio? Yeah,
anything to keep you quiet.


JM Radio: Fanfare]

Good morning.
And now for the 9:00 news.

State police are still baffled by the
disappearance of notorious bank robber...

Shotgun Munger, who is
believed to be hiding out...

in Oregon
or Washington.

Munger is 5 '70 ” tall,
has brown hair--

You don't want radio,
not when you got television.

[TV] The next criminal on KTjT's
“Cash For Clues“ program is...

Shotgun Munger.

We want the television. Come on!
Let's play leapfrog.

Okay, now
it's your turn.

- [TV] Shotgun Munger-
-;;[ Radio]

[ Spieler] See the sign. It's
only a buck for the trip.

Step right in. just
got room for two more.

See New York for a buck.
My feet are killin' me.

Everywhere you look
there's more tall buildings.

Look at that one
over there.

[ Guide ]
See New York!

Hurry hurry! See the Bowery.
See Chinatown...

and also other places
of interest.

Step right up. Only two seats left.
See New York for a buck.

It'd save a heap
ofwalkin', Ma.

It'd save my feet.

Why walk when you can see New
York from a comfortable seat?

Attaboy, Pop.

I gotta get on that bus!
Sorry, full up.

But I gotta see New York.
It'll still be here.

Follow that bus. It's
a sightseeing bus.

Follow it! Okay!
It's your dough.

[Guide] Folks, we 're now on New
York'; famous Fifih A venue.

On your left, you are passing
the New York Public Library,

the world's largest.

[Woman] Look at
the lions,junior.

We'd like to see
the library too.

You're now coming to the
famous St. Patrickk Cathedral.

There it is on your right.

Pardon. Like to see
the Cathedral.

Cmon, Pa.
Let's get outta here.

But lady, I thought you
wanted to see New York.

We do! That's why
we're gettin' off.

This looks like
Mr.jones's bag.

I don't reckon you can
tell the difference. No.

Can I help you? How
much do you want?

Eight dollars. You better
keep your eye on this one.

You bet. Eight dollars is a
lot of money to put in a bag.

Ten dollars.
Thank you.

Two dollars back, please.
Yes, sir.

See the New York

What's panor-rama,

Everybody knows what
a pam-aroma is.

Well, what is it? It's
a place over on, uh--

Something where they have,
uh, kind of a--

Why don't you go and see for yourself!
I will.

In direct line from us
is the Empire State Building,

the world's
tallest building.

To our right, along thejersey
coast on Bedloe's Island,

is the
Statue of Liberty.

Pa, come here quick!

Look! Look!

The river beyond to the
right-- Look! Look!

Look how small
the people look.

Look at those little cars!
Look at the buses!

If you want me to look at
all the things down there,

Why'd you bring me
up here?

1,050 feet high.

I wonder how long this
would take to get down there.

Oh, Pa!
You shouldn't have.

[ Guide] The first bridge crossing the
East River is the Williamsburg Bridge.

Next, Manhattan Bridge;
and third,

the oldest and more fiamous, the
Brooklyn Bridge. Stop! Stop!

Ma, he took the bag.
He took it.

Yes, we'll just have--

Hmm. Took longer
than I expected.

This is a waste of time,
watching Louie's place.

Mungerisn't gonna show.

No, but the dough might. Nah!

Well, they gotta--


Must be a payoff. He's
carrying a black bag.

The money they took from the
bank was in a black bag.

That's it.
Let's go.

I got it, Louie. I got it.
Good work.

You're right.
Kettle is up to something.

He gets on the bus
without the bag.

A few minutes later,
I pick him up with it.

They must be working with someone.
Baby, I love ya.

A hundred grand!

- Okay, Louie, drop the bag.
- What do you want, copper?

Just the black bag with $100,000
from the bankjob. Open it, Mike.


Hey, Sam, it's empty.
lt'sjust like I said.

It can't be!

Look for yourself.

Uh, fellas-- Excuse us.
Accidents can, uh--

Well, so long.

what a break!

Are we lucky there wasn't
any money in that bag.

If there was money
in that bag--

No money!
That Kettle!

This is his way ofteiiin' us
he wants a cut.

Nobody does this to us.

That's our dough and we
don't have to make a deal.

keep after Kettle.

From now on we meet at Tony's place.
Thisjoint is too hot.

Why would anyone want
to steal a bag,

an empty bag?

Pa, you're gonna have
to watch yourself.

Trouble ain't with
watchin' myself.

It's with watching
those black bags.

You and Ma hurry or we're
never gonna get a table.

Why didn't you make
a reservation?

I did, but they're not
gonna hold it forever.

Tom, why couldn't you
have been here earlier?

Why, why. why?

When you're trying to convince bankers
to give you a loan, you don't say:

“Think fast. I have to take
my parents to a nightclub.“

We have to get another bag
for Mr.jones's brother.

Do that in the morning. He might come tonight.
We don't want to disappoint him.

I'll get it now.
What kind of bag was it?

It was, um, uh-- Kim remembers.
She'll go with ya.

Come on.

We'll meet you downstairs
in 1 O minutes.

Hurry up.
All right, son.

Here it is.
Oh, that's the bag.

Got to put it in the room
where it'll be safe.

I'll just have to keep
the cab waiting.

Uh, pardon me, buddy.
You got a match?

Got one here

Mind holding this?

I'm sure I got one here

Hey, you got my bag.

You know it?
You got my bag.

Stop that man!

Stop this thing!

Pa, what happened
to you?

He didn't wait for the match.
He took the bag instead.

That makes three bags. There's
something rotten in Denmark.

It ain't good
in New York either.


Why can't you get a table?
For the simple--

You were so slow, they
canceled the reservation.

I was slow?
I like that!

Mr. Gigi, isn't there some way
you could get us a table?

I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.

There will be at least
one hour wait.

Thank you.

It'll be at least an hour
before we can get a table.

We could go to
the Starlite Roof.

It'll bejust
as crowded there.

Do all nightclubs
have hat stores?


Pa, that's a checkroom.
You give your hat to the girl.

She '// watch it for you.
She's gonna watch my hat?

Do New Yorkers have a
hankerin' for hats too?

Give me the hat.

Pardon me.

George, what a
pleasant surprise!

How's the prettiest
girl in town?

My mother and father-in-law, Mr. and
Mrs. Kettle, George Donahue.

Pleased to meet you.
Mr. Kettle. Howdy.

You know Tom, of course.
Hi, Tom.

Those plans Kim showed me
on the incubator are great!

I thought you were going to
bring it down for me to see.

Well, I've been
tied up with the banks.

Don't let the bankers
cheat you. Come to us.

Besides, I've already got money tied
up in it: two martinis, three dollars.

Don't forget the tip. That's right.
That's seven dollars!

You're leaving so early.
We're waiting for a table.

You still have that old
influence with head waiters?

There will be
one hour's wait.

There's nothing like finding out.
I'll speak to Mr. Gigi.

Good evening, Monsieur Donahue.
How 'bout a table?

For you and the young lady? No.

Tonight we have
three chaperons.

If you're not waiting
for anyone,join us.

That's all I was waiting for.
This way, please.

I just had
a cancellation.

Come on, Ma.

Pa, they're waiting for us. Oh.

Maybe we didn't do the right
thing in following Louie.

Could be a decoy.
What do you mean?

While we're watching him, the
other mugs are busy operating.

Might be. You watch.
I'm gonna take 4O winks.

That's what you think.
Look. Hmm?

with a black bag.

Come on!

I'm bringing home the bacon, boys!
Good boy, Littlejoe!

That's the bag, all right. I spotted
Kettle's payoff man handing it to him.

Kettle must be working
with another mob, the crook!

Baby, I love ya!
A hundred grand.

[ Policeman] I'll finish
that for you, Louie.

You'll get at least
2O years for this.

Hey, Sam,
this one's empty too.

W-Well, uh--

just a routine checkup,

We'll see you
around, huh?


“Just a routine checkup.
See you around.“

Kettle ain't gonna make
a sucker out of us.

I'll see him myself
and I'll get that bag!

Thank you.

Here's your hat, Tom. Did you
give the girl a quarter?

All she give me
was our hats.

I think I better say good night.
it's been a pleasure.

Kim, it's always good to see you.
Thank you for a wonderful evening.

Donahue, what was
our share of the check?

Forget it. lfthat incubator is all
Kim claims, we'll make a fortune.

Why don't your bring it
to the office?

Why don't you cut it out? You're
interested in Kim, not the incubator!


I'm sorry, George. Don't
apologize for me.

You're mixed up, Tom.
Good night, everyone.

Good night.

Ma, I'm sorry this had
to happen in front of you.

No use to apologize,

It takes a while for young'uns
to understand each other.

But Tom hasn't any reason
to bejealous.

He didn't take his eyes off you for a minute.
He's still in love with you.

So what? I'm in love
with you, you big--



Maybe I am
a Duckal-oof, but--

I just needed to hear
you say you love me.

One good thing about married
people having a quarrel:

When they make up, they find out
they love each other that much more!

Come on, folks.
Let's get going.

It's gettin' late. We better
get back to the hotel.

Got to get up early
and buy another bag.

I've got to check on those bags.
It's more than coincidence.

Look, Pa!
A horse and buggy!

Just like back home.

We could take it to the hotel.
Go ahead. We'll walk.

Can we give you a lift?
The walk'll do us good.

Good night.
Thanks for everything.

Callyou in the morning.
All right, Tom.

Sorry, sir.

I just go round the park and come back here.
That don't make sense.

Most of me customers
are young couples.

They like to ride through the
park at night. It's dark.

Bu! there's the moon
and the stars.

You remember.

Ma, how old
do you feel?

Pa, right now I don't
feel a day over 18.


Giddap, Charles.
Once around the park.

Never ate out of anything
so fancy in all my life.

Mighty handy-

When you've finished eating, you can
see how much is left on your face.

[ Phone Ringing]

Answer the phone.

[ Ringing Continues]


Hello, Kettle?
This is Louie.

Mr.jones's brother.

Let's not beat around the bush.
I want the right bag.

Glad to oblige.
Want to pick it up here?

Oh no, you don't. I'll meet
you somewhere in the open,

like, uh--

The zoo... how 'bout
the Central Park Zoo?

I'll meet ya in front of
the monkeys' cage at 12:00.

How'll I recognize you?

I'll recognize you.
just have the black bag.

How'll I get there?

Take a cab.

And Kettle, be there
if you wanna stay healthy.

Nice fella,
Mr.jones's brother.

Worried about
my health.

We gotta meet him at the zoo.
You'll have to go by yourself.

This is the morning
Mr. Schumacher is sending me...

to the Lucien et Louise
de Paris Beauty “Saloon?

Well, all right, Ma.

I'll meet you back here.

Ah! Gotta stop
and buy a bag.

Well, gentlemen, what
do you think she needs?

I think her eyebrows should go up.
No, no. Down.


I think-- [Together]
Madam, please!

[Clears Throat]

I, uh, think we should
give her rosebud lips.

Bring them out.

I think they should
be brought in. Mmm.


I think--

Madam, please!

I just want to say--

look how long
you've had your face.

You've done
nothing with it.

They should be out! In!

Out! Out:

Make up your mind!

Please, madam. A lady
never has to shout.

You can get most anything
you want from a man...

by just using
your feminine charms.

That's one of the things
you will learn here.

There is no time to waste.
Let's get started.

She'll need a new face, new
wardrobe, manners, speech lessons.

Ladies and gentlemen, Madam Kettle
will need the full treatment.

Come, come, now.
This way, madam.

Ow! Ow!

How's it going, Harvey? Terrible.
Lost two more monks yesterday.

Poisoned peanuts again? Yeah.

What kind of guy goes around
poisoning harmless animals? A fiend!

If I get my hands on 'im,
I'll beat his brains in.

I'd better not
catch him.


Have a peanut?

[ Monkey Chattering]

Hey, don't feed
the animals.

Why not? I've been
doin' it all my life.

Try it again, wise guy,
and I'll run ya in!


Mr. Louie?

You alone?
Oh, sure.

I can handle this myself.
You're callin' the signals.

What's the deal on the bag? Your
brother said to give it to you.

You know, you don't look much like
your brother. Don't stall me.

Okay, Kettle.
Gimme the bag.

With pleasure,
Mr. Louie.

I also want to give you this.
Oh, no, you don't!

You'll want the key.
Hey, wait a minute.

Nervous fella.

Not friendly
like his brother.

Why that dirty,
double-crossin' rat!

What'd I tell you
about feeding the animals?

But I didn't!

He was, uh--

Poisoned peanuts!

You! You murderer, you!
You fiend!

What's the matter?
This man is a killer.

No! I know a killer
when I see one.

Come on. Confess. You poisoned
the animals. Admit it.

Why'd you do it?

Come on,
sign this confession.

Like to oblige you, but I'd
be puttin' my name to a lie.

Look, Pop.
It's Pa.

Sign that and we'll
turn off the light.

I wish you wouldn't.
It feels good.

If you'd move it over here, it'd
take the dampness out of my bones.

£0ok, Kettle, we let you call your wife.
But if you don't talk, you won't see her.

Talk! Talk! Talk!

All right.
What'll we talk about?

He's a tough nut
to crack.

Grilling a monkey poisoner.
Nice assignment.

If we don't break him, that
lieutenant is gonna have us...

back in uniform
pounding the pavement.

Talk! Talk! Talk!

You think Munger
andjones are the same?

With what you told me
about the bags, I'd say yes.

But we've got to have
positive identification.

Where can I get ahold of your father?
He's at the Waldorf.

Get me the Waldorf.
If he isn't there?

Probably out
seeing the sights.

Confess you poisoned the monkeys
and we'll give you a cigarette.

Thanks, but I don't
smoke cigarettes.

You're only human. How much more
of this do you think you can take?

Admit you fed
the monkeys.

Sure. But they gotta
eat, too, you know.

Funny town. Get arrested
for feeding animals.

But people take my black bags
and no one does nothin'.

New Yorkers are the finest people ever I
see, but they got a weakness for black bags.

Now look, Kettle--

Black bags?

Black bags!

I'll be right back.

Is there a chance the bag with
the money being returned to Pa?

Very unlikely. Without it, there's no
evidence to convict the Munger mob.

that animal poisoner?

Don't bother me with
animal poisoners!

He said he had black bags stolen from him.
Black bags stolen?

Is he a thin man who wears a derby?
That's him.

That's Pa. Where have you got him?
Wait a minute.

I got an idea.
Stay here.

Don't worry about your father.
I've got a plan. Come on, Eskow.

Hi, Lieutenant.
Hello, Hawkshaw.

Gimme the keys to the
Rogues Gallery file.

Thank you.

[ Ma In Distinguished Voice]
I'd like to see Mr. Kettle.

[Wolf Whistle]

I said, I'd like
to see Mr. Kettle.

You can't
see him now.

But he called me.
You can't see him.

Why? What' re they
dam' to hm?

I'm sorry. I can't
give out that information.

It's against the rules.

Look, you--

I was hoping you
could help me.

You know, my weakness
is men in uniform.

You're kind of"

What's your name, big boy? Well,

everybody thinks it's Hank,
but it's really Horace.

My favorite name.


I'd appreciate it

if you told me what
they're doin' to Mr. Kettle.

It's against the rules,
but they're grilling him.

Grillin' him!
Uh...grilling him?

Yeah, questioning him.

Where, Horace?
Which room?

I couldn't tell you that.

This means a lot
to me, Horace.

And it could mean
a lot to you too.

It's the door marked


Thank you,

Talk! Talk! Talk!

I come afterya, Pa.
What's goin' on in here?

Oh, you sure
look pretty, Ma.

And smell pretty too!

Mmm, never mind the sweet talk!
What've they been doin' to ya?

It's been right sociable.

I'm takin'you outta here, Pa.
just a minute, lady!

What about his
habeas corpus?

I'm takin' that too!

Mrs. Kettle?
Yes, that's me.

There's been a misunderstanding. We
wanted to speak to Mr. Kettle...

about the black bags
and somehow this happened.

How'd you know about the black bags?
Your son phoned us.

I have pictures of the men we think
might have stolen your bags.

Recognize this guy?

I Pa 1
The absent-minded fellow.

Wouldn't wait for the match.
Took the bag instead.

How 'bout this guy?

Oh, that's Mr. jones,
the poet.

He gave us the bag.

Of course! How did this get in here?
He's a great poet!

I'm one of his fans! We'll get to
work right away. You're free to go.

Thanks. How do we
get back to the hotel?

Take the subway and get offin four stops.
Cmon, Eskow.

Nice fella.

Come on, Ma.
Where we goin', Pa?

For another ride through the park.
Oh, Pa!

The chauffeur brought this
with your luggage, sir.

I don't think it's ours.

That's funny. Mustve picked
it up at the station.

It belongs to Mr. Kettle at
the Waldorf-Astoria. Kettle?

Kettle. Kettle.

Not C. P. Kettle!
Who's C.P. Kettle?

You've heard of him.
The underwear king.

One of the richest men
in the country.

I've been trying to do business with
him, but he never comes to New York.

What would he be doing
with a cheap bag?

He has a reputation for
being stingy and eccentric.

I wonder what's inside.

Oh, Harold!
You shouldn't!



There's nothing
but money!

Operator, get me
the Waldorf-Astoria.

This'll put me in solid
with the old gentleman.

[ Phone Ringing]

Answer the phone,

[ Ringing


Mr. Kettle, I don't know
if you remember me.

Harold Masterson. I've
written you several letters.

Never got 'em.

Are you the Kettle
in underwear?

Yeah, but how
did you know?

Why, everybody knows!

Waita minute.

Go ahead.
I'm back.

Get ready for
a big surprise.

I have your black bag. It got mixed
up with my luggage at the station.

So, that's what happened!

Mr. Kettle, we're having
a little party tonight.

Come out and pick up the bag. You
can kill two birds with one stone.

What do they do to you
ifya kill 'em?

I got arrested
for feeding them.

What a sense of humor!

I won't take no for an answer.
My car'll pickyou up at 8:00.

If there's anybody you want
to bring, don't hesitate.

That's right neighborly
of you.

Glad to oblige.

Oh, Ma!
Man found Mr.jones's bag.

We better find Louie
and tel! him what happened.

Might as well give him the
right bag, long as we found it.


Ifand when this bag shows up, we've
gotta be prepared for action.

That's why this plan. I
still don't like it.

You're making clay pigeons
out of my folks. What else?

If we told them about the $100,000,
they'd get nervous and tip off Louie.

It's the only way. As soon as Pa gets
the real bag, the mob'll move in.

We need to nail 'em
with the evidence.

Who's gonna protect my folks?
We will and you will.

Me? Yes, you can be around
without arousing suspicion.

What about the kids? They're
living with a killer. Don't worry.

I'll notify the police
and the kids'll be safe.

Is it a deal, Tom?

Okay... but I hope
it's the right thing.


Hey, I got the white ring.
It's my turn!

Stop! No, please,
kids, not again.



[ Manger] He/p! L ea' me do wn!
He's got one of the kids.

Three men come with me, the rest
of you go through the front.

We're going around
the back. Come on.

[ Munger Yelling]

[ Munger] Help! Help!
Let me down!

Okay, kids.
We'll take over.

Let him down.
Nice goin', Benjamin.

How'd you know that was Shotgun Munger?
The bank robber?

We didn't. We werejust playing cobs and robbers.
Cops and robbers?

Oh, boy! Am I glad to see you.
Get me outta here.

Boys, get him a nice,
comfortable cell. Thanks.

Just so long
as I'm safe.

Murphy, stay here
and protect the kids.

Brodney, stay here
and protect Murphy.

Follow that car.

Follow that cab.

Follow that cab.

[indistinct Chattering,

The salesman said
to the farmer,

“lfyou find me in the barn,
I deserve to get shot.“

Robert, they've just pulled in.
Uh, good.

We'll meet the Kettles at the door.
Excuse us. Of course.

Victoria, go out of your way
to be nice to Kettle.

I can make a million
out of this.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

Mr. Masterson,

Mr. Masterson is inside, sir.
Who shall I say is calling?

Uh, Kettles calling.

Won't you come in?
Why, sure!

Nice place
you got here.

Your hat, sir?
Course it's my hat.

Haven't the Kettles
come yet?

are the Kettles, sir.

Mr. Kettle, I am Masterson,
and this is Mrs. Masterson.


This here is Ma;
and these are my two kids,

Tom and, uh... Kim. Kim!

Hope you don't mind
my bringin' 'em here.

You're welcome. Any friend
of yours is a friend of--

Charles, take
Mr. Kettle's hat.

No, you don't! I ain't gonna
pay no quarter to get it back.

That's so funny!

Isn't it, dear?

Uh, it's all right, Pa.
Let him take it.

Darling, take the Kettles into the garden?
I'd love to.

I'll join you in a moment. There's
something I must attend to in the library.

It's right out here.
Come on.

[ Doorbell Buzzing]

I'm a friend of the Kettles.
Your hat--

In the garden, sir. Thanks, bud.

[ Doorbell Buzzing]

Friend of the Kettles.

Uh, in the garden, sir.
Thank you.

I'm sorry,
Mrs. Masterson.

We didn't realize your party was going to be formal.
Harold should've told you.

But, you all
look lovely.

That's a pretty dress
you got on.

Too bad the top wasn't finished
in time for the party.

Uh, won't you two dance?
Yes, thank you.

Excuse me. I'll see
what's keeping Harold.

You'd think she'd be
afraid ofcatchin' cold.


What they won't think of next!
Buckshot on toast.

Mmm. Tastes good, Pa.
We'll have to try cookin' some.

Why, George! What are
you doing here? Kim!

Hello, Tom.

I'd like to apologize for being
so stupid the other night.

Forget it. I have. I didn't
know you knew the Mastersons.

We didn't until tonight.
Masterson's my partner.

He's the one interested in backing
your incubator. Oh, really?

I've got something to tell you.
Where can we talk?

Let's go
right over here.

Kettle said the bag
would be here.

The place is crawlin' with cops!
So what?

What can they arrest us for? Crashing a party?
Maybe it's a trap.

We gotta get to that bag before they
do or it's good-bye a hundred Gs.

Havin' to steal the same dough twice!
It's a crime.

What are we going to do? Sell
Kettle $1 million worth of bonds.

$1 million worth of bonds?
He doesn't spend $20 on a suit!

I told you he was eccentric.

They're fantastic! Did you see those
friends that followed them in?

Maybe they're bodyguards. Make
sure they're enjoying themselves.

I'll get his bag
out of the safe.

We better tell H.M. so he'll
know what to expect. Tom!

Lieutenant, I saw your men.
I was hoping you'd be here.

I tried to get you at headquarters.
What's up?

Masterson claims he has
the original bag. Great.

If the dough's in it, we can pinch
the whole bunch. Where's Masterson?

In the library. Lt.
Klein, George Donahue.

How do you do?
This way.

G," [ Orchestra
Continues ]

Don't you like to dance?
Sure do!

We only do square dancin'.
Square dancing!

It might be fun.
Let's see about it.

Mr. Saul, can you play a square dance?
We can play it.

But we need someone to call.
I can do that!

How wonderful!

Mr. Saul,
stop the music, please.

Listen, everyone!

We're going to square dance, and
Mr. Kettle has consented to call.

Howdy, folks. Grab your
partner, set your squares.

[indistinct Chatter]

Help 'em, Ma. All right, Pa.
I will.

Excuse me, folks.
Make a square, now.

Make a square.
Come on.

All right, Pa!
Start the music.

Let's have a little quiet,

This is going to be
ladies' choice.

I'll call my version
of a square dance twister.


♪ Everybody stomp and swing
Swing 'em half the time ♪

; Side couples split and step right
back Stand there four in line ♪

♪ Everybody forward and back
I'll tell you the reason why;

,' Pass right through 5a y how are you
and look 'em straight in the eye,'

,' Wea ve back and forth across the
set Folks, you're doin's well , '

,' You reach the end and tum right
back Clap hands and give a yell,'

,' If you get lost don't get upset
while the others promenade,'

; Swing your honey till the rest
get back And don't you be afraid g

,' Stop right there and grab your
pardn ' Swing 'em high and lo w,'

;Swing Lulu Bell and Happyjack
Swing your Unclejoe;

There's the bag.
I'll warn Pa.

;Treat 'em all alike Treat 'em all
the same No cheatin' in the game ♪

Pa, listen! That black bag
of yours has $100,000 in it.

Mnjones and his brother
are bank robbers.

Bank robbers?
Yeah. Look!

Look, he's getting away.
I'll fix 'im.

♪ Ma, cage that bird with seven hands
round Close in and make it tight ♪

; Someone else is in the deal
But wait, I'll make it right;

,' Now rip and snort Go through the
rings Gee, there it goes again,'

,' Ma, head 'em 0h' and tackle
low and kick him on the shin,'

♪ Get in there, Ma and swing Grandpa
with one, two, three, you know ♪

,' Give an upper cut andgrab that
bag Then duck and awa y you go,'

; Promenade Indian style Watch
the guy comin' down the aisle ♪

;A dirty trick, a rotten shame Don't
worry, Ma You're not to blame ♪

♪ Signals nine and forty-four That's
all there is There ain't no more ♪♪

Here's your bag,

You did a finejob. I couldn't
have done it without Ma's help.

Ah, now, Pa!

[Sighs] Ah. home sweet home.

Have a good time in New York?
We sure did!

It's a nice place to visit, but
there's no place like Cape Flattery.

Here you are, Ed. Keep the change.

I learned that in New York.

Sure is peaceful like,
ain't it, Pa?

It sure is, Ma.

Well, of all things!


What are you mm' to do,
rum my carpet?

lfit isn't Murphy
from the sheriff's office.

So it is.
Untie him.

What're you doin'
in here anyway?

Sheriffleft us here to protect the kids.
We're leavin'!

He should've sent
the state militia.

Help me clean up
this mess.

[Children Chanting
Indian War Cry]

They're loose!
Put a blanket over 'em!


[ Ma 1 Let me outta here!
Turn on the lights!

Let us outta here!
[Children] Ma!

The little darlings.

Yep. But you gotta watch 'em.
Oh, Pa!