MASH (1970) - full transcript

- Radar!
- Yes, sir.

- Get a hold of Major Burns.
- I guess I better call Major Burns.

- Tell him we have to hold…
- Tell him to put another

- day surgeon on night shift.
- … a couple of surgeons

over from the day shift
onto the night shift.

I'll put in a call to
General Hammond in Seoul.

Get General Hammond in Seoul,

tell him we gotta have
two new surgeons right away.

I hope he sends us
those two new surgeons.

We're sure gonna need them.

- What was that, sir?
- I gave everything to Radar.



What?

- What the hell do you think you're doing?
- What? I'm just…

Just because you're captain,
don't think you run the joint.

- Come on…
- I run it.

- Yeah, all right. I'm just supposed to…
- I know what you're supposed to do.

Your driver will be with you shortly.
He's having his coffee now.

Racist.

Attention. The following men,
report to the departure area.

Carey, Michael S, Phelps, Robert A,

Colbert T, Cleaver, Herschell B,

Roosevelt, Charles B…

- Goodbye, ladies. Thank you.
- Bye-bye.

- So long.
- Roosevelt B,

Govowska, Theodore G, Miller…



- 4077th MASH?
- This is the jeep, yeah.

All right.

Okay, let's go, boy.

Get my other bag.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Schermerhorn! Get that son of a bitch!
He just stole my jeep.

Hey! Watch what the hell you're doing,
will you?

- What the hell…
- What do you mean, it wasn't…

- Where is she?
- I couldn't stand it…

- Not another. Another…
- … for my period…

There you are, sir. The officers' mess.

Perhaps you would like
to take a small repas.

I don't think I could eat after that ride
you gave me. You want any of this?

No, thank you, sir,
but I could do with my lunch.

Well, why don't you come on in with me
and get a sandwich?

I'll follow you anywhere, sir.

How about that piece of scenery,
Yankee, huh?

Yes, sir.

Really a drag.

- No. No.
- When they cut it out, she looked fabulous.

Who are those men?
Friends of yours, Murrhardt?

- No, sir. First time I've ever seen them.
- Well, maybe those are the replacements.

Don't be silly. We're expecting
some really sharp surgeons.

Well, I guess
they just got separated from their unit

and are looking for something to eat.

They've got a hell of a nerve.
Coming in here, eating our food.

Pardon me, can I ask you
to move over just a little bit? Thank you.

- Be careful with that.
- Yeah.

- But, you know, she's got to use…
- I think I'm in love.

… that Phisohex soap on her face.
She really needs something drying.

- She really has a bad complexion.
- Acne, it really is.

- But she's got a bad complexion…
- She won't use soap.

Well, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant,
I don't have anything to do tonight.

I just got into town and, well,

I thought maybe
you could show me around.

Captain, I think if you'll notice
the lieutenant's beautiful hand,

she is definitely married.

Well, I'm the commanding officer,
and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Boy, Bandini, they're eating here
because they wanted to.

Captain Murrhardt,
please report to the commander's…

The office of the commanding officer…

- You men just passing through?
- I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.

Captain, you are speaking about
a lieutenant in the United States Army.

I'm Colonel Blake.

Colonel, I'm Duke Forrest, your new cutter.

- That's my driver over here.
- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

- Are you leaving?
- Yes, I am.

- Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish.
- Good afternoon, Captain Hawkeye.

Captain Hawkeye Pierce,
I had a TWX about you.

It seems that you stole a jeep
up at headquarters.

No, no, no, sir. No, I didn't steal a jeep.
No, it's right outside. Right there.

So it is.

Captain Forrest, don't you know that
when you report to your new duty station,

you go to your commanding officer
with a copy of your orders?

Captain Pierce, is it?

Captain Pierce and me
have been boozing all day…

Good. Good.
You've been working close to the front.

Now we have our slack periods here,

but when the action starts,
you'll get more work in 12 hours…

How many nurses
do we have on the base, sir?

- 17.
- How many nurses will there be on my…

- Four, then a civilian surgeon.
- … young girl here…

- A dozen a month.
- I'd like her as my nurse.

- Yes, I think that could be arranged.
- I could use her.

And the young girl, over here, the blonde.

Father Mulcahy, I'd like you to meet
Captain Pierce, our new surgeon.

This is the Catholic chaplain.
And here's Captain Forrest.

- Dago Red.
- Dago Red!

- Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.
- I'm better known as Painless Pole.

This is Captain Black,
our anesthesiologist.

I'm Painless Pole. I'm the dentist here.

- John Black. I'll be passing gas for you.
- Duke? Welcome.

- Captain Bandini, here.
- Thank you.

- John Black. How are you?
- I'm proud of that man.

- If you boys have any problems, my tent…
- Bandini, here. Duke, glad to meet you.

I was saying if you boys
have any problems, my tent is right…

Radar! O'Reilly.

Gentlemen, I'm Corporal O'Reilly.
They call me Radar.

- You'll be staying in Major Burns' tent.
- Major Burns' tent.

- I'll take your things over there now.
- Everything out of the jeep.

Don't worry about the jeep,
I'll change the numbers.

And change the numbers on that jeep.

Corporal O'Reilly,
you're not billeting these enlisted men

in the officers' area, now, are you?

Excuse me.

I'm collecting for my blind brother

- who can't afford the trip to Korea.
- Don't you trust that man. He's a mad dog.

- He'll do anything.
- Unhand me, sir.

Hey, Duke Forrest.

Now, that one's mine.

- Hi, fellas.
- Who? That one?

- Yeah.
- Who told you that?

- How do you know that?
- "Yea, though I walk through the valley

"of the shadow of death,

"I will fear no evil, for thoo art with me."

Thou. "Thou art with me."

- Jesus Christ.
- What's all that about?

That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.

- New personnel, Major.
- Good.

- Hiya. Hawkeye Pierce.
- How do you do?

- Duke Forrest.
- Frank Burns.

- How are you?
- Go ahead, Ho-Jon.

"My cup runneth over.

"Surely goodness and mercy

- "shall follow…"
- What's this here?

This is Ho-Jon.
He's one of our mess-hall boys.

I'm teaching him how to read.

Is that right?
Reading the Bible, huh? That's nice.

Listen, I'll tell you what. I got a book here.
It's got a lot of pictures in it,

and I think it's easier to learn how to read
when you look at pictures.

A little adventure in pictures.

- May I leave now, Major?
- Sure, Ho-Jon.

You have fun, you hear?

There it is. Suture, Mary.

What kind of sutures are these?

- I can't see what the hell I'm doing.
- Storch, I need some more sponge clamps.

- Give me…
- Okay. Just a minute, Les.

- Okay.
- Give me some big hunks of sponge

or something, for crying out loud,
and get that thing right in there.

Also some big sponges.
You'll have to use these.

That's bleeding. That's gotta come out.

I can't stop that bleeding down there.

- What's so funny?
- Nothing, sir. Not a thing.

- Is that true what I hear about you?
- Duke, back to the kidney. Come on.

- Yeah.
- He's cute.

Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.

- Here we go.
- Captain Pierce, did you call me?

No, I didn't, and my name's Hawkeye.
Give me the saw.

I can't really see.
It's like the Mississippi River down there.

- Give me another one.
- Doesn't feel like it's in one piece,

I'll tell you that.
I think it's gotta come out of there.

Get in. Get in there.

And give me some more
of that gauze wrapped up there.

Here. It won't stick otherwise.

Big, honey. It's… You know, this thing…

- You ready?
- I'm ready.

- Nurse, you got a clamp, please?
- Yes, sir.

Scratch my nose. Just there.

There. A little harder, please.

Attention. Attention.

All non-commissioned…
Attention. Attention.

All non-commissioned officers will report
for short-arm inspection at 0400.

That is all.

- What's that?
- That's a martini, Frank.

Finest kind.
We're training Ho-Jon to be a bartender.

- Would you care to imbibe, sir?
- I don't drink.

Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

- I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
- I think you're right, babe.

I don't think it's right to involve a boy
who's not 17 years old yet.

- You go to sleep now?
- Yeah.

- I go wash clothes.
- Okay.

Hey, you make a mean martini there,
Ho-Jon. You keep it up, you hear?

"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.

"Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven…"

You ever catch this syndrome before,
babe?

No, not with anyone beyond the age
of eight years old, I haven't.

"And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

"For thine is the kingdom, the power
and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen."

- Amen.
- Amen.

And dear God, protect
our young men on the field of battle,

that they may return home
to their dear ones.

And dear God, protect
our supreme commander on the field

and our commander-in-chief
in Washington DC.

Frank, were you on this religious kick
at home or did you crack up over here?

Frank, how long does this show go on?

It gets longer all the time.

Now I have your soul to pray for
and Captain Pierce's.

Onward, Christian soldiers

- Marching as to war
- Marching as to war

- With the cross of Jesus
- With the cross of Jesus

- Going on before
- Going on before

- Christ, our royal master
- Christ, our royal master

- Leads against the foe
- Leads against the foe

- Forward into battle
- Forward into battle

- See his banners go
- See his banners go

- Onward, Christian soldiers
- Onward, Christian soldiers

- Marching as to war
- Marching as to war

- With the cross of Jesus
- With the cross of Jesus

- Going on before
- Going on before

- Yeah?
- What's the line-up?

Four waiting for surgery,
two waiting for the IV,

and two waiting for the antibiotics
to take over.

We can probably handle that
if there's no more choppers. Pickup.

Scissors.

- Hi, ladies.
- Now, wait a second.

- You can't go in the colonel's office.
- That's who we're looking for, Dave.

Henry, you gotta do something.

We have stuck it out
for a whole week now. Pretty girl.

Yeah, she kind of grows on you.

- What is it, men?
- That sky pilot.

You have got to get him out of our tent.

- Your tent?
- Yeah. Get that nurse in there.

She doesn't look like the kind who'd
keep you awake all night praying.

I've been in the army a long time.

I know what you guys are trying to pull,
but you're not gonna push me around.

Henry, not for the world
would I push you around,

but, look, there is one more thing,
now that you're talking about it.

We need a chest cutter.

Yeah. We gotta get an A-one chest cutter
in here quick, Henry,

or we're gonna be in
a hell of a lot of trouble.

Forget it.
No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.

We're not about to get one.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah?

They're behind in the OR,
and the pre-op ward is all jammed up.

The helicopters and the ambulances
are coming in full.

You guys are gonna have to go to work
early today.

And add overtime to a 12-hour day?
What the hell is that?

The union'll raise all kinds of Cain
with you, Henry.

Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours,
you sure need your rest.

And you can't get them with
a sky pilot jabbering to heaven all day.

Major Burns will be out of your tent
in 24 hours.

Tell him Captain Pierce
and Captain Forrest are on the way.

Henry, there's just one more thing.

I told you Major Burns will be out
of your tent in 24 hours.

- The chest cutter.
- No.

I'll try, damn it.
You can't ask any more than that.

Pull that back. Put your little finger in.

My abdominal operation was doing fine.
It's the head wound that did him in.

Dish, get over here and hold this retractor.

- Okay.
- No. No, no…

Dish, let me have a long needle holder.

Go ahead.

- Dago!
- Amen.

- Pull it back, Duke.
- Hell, I can't…

- Get hold of the other one.
- Dago.

Dago, I want you over here
to hold this retractor. Now.

- Please, come on. Now.
- Yes, I'm sorry.

- Hi, Dago.
- Hey, hold on.

- My hand…
- Don't wiggle it. Just hold on.

Clamp.

I'm sorry, Dago, but this man's still alive,

and that other man is dead,
and that's a fact.

Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago?
Hell. Where the hell… Did you see it?

- Sergeant, you know where Hawkeye is?
- You mean Captain Pierce?

- No, I'd have to look at the duty roster.
- They're in there.

Oh, baby.

Hawkeye, you gotta remember
I'm married.

I'm married. I'm happy. I love my wife.
If she was here,

- I would be with her.
- I am, too. I'm very happily married.

There is no question of loving anybody.
It is a question only of helping…

You see, I made a vow to myself
that while I was gone,

I was gonna be faithful to my husband.

Those are the vows you make
when you're with somebody.

Hawkeye?

- Ho-Jon?
- Duke say you better haul ass home quick.

- We got a new chest cutter in our tent.
- Okay.

This is Radio Tokyo bringing you
musical interlude for your enjoyment.

- That's him.
- Hiya. I'm Hawkeye Pierce.

Yeah. See? So all I can get out of him
is he's from Boston,

and he's been in the army two months.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. And that's all.

Well, listen, where were you
when you were drafted?

I was just curious.

Back home. I told you before.

No, I mean, what were you doing?

Were you like a resident
or on staff some place?

Where?

Hospital.

Which hospital?

Back home.

Is there some reason
I shouldn't know which hospital?

I don't know. I will ask.

Is there some reason my friend
should not know the name of the hospital?

There doesn't appear to be any reason.
I've seen you somewhere before.

I don't know your name, stranger,
but your face is familiar.

Have you always had that moustache?

Are you a beer drinker, sir, or would
you like to share a martini with me?

Martini, that would be… I'd love a martini.

Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini.

I think you will find these accommodating.
They're quite dry.

Don't you use olives?

Olives? Where the hell
do you think you are, man?

We do have to make
certain concessions to the war.

We're three miles from the frontline and…

Yes, but a man can't really
savor his martini

without an olive, you know.

Otherwise, you see, it just

doesn't quite make it.

Attention. The Evangelical United
Brethren Church has donated 34 hymnals

to the 4077th MASH unit.

These hymnals are located
in the camp library

and may be checked out
by those with cards.

That is all.

Listen, am I going to get paid
for giving you guys lessons? Rib cutter.

Small bones, huh?

- I need a retractor also, nurse.
- Let's get her, baby.

What do you think? Can I tie this for you?

- You need some suction?
- Yeah, that's fine.

Here, pickups for me, please.

- How's he doing, John?
- He's doing well.

- You're doing a live suture.
- Yeah, looks like that's it.

Looks like that's it.

What the hell did you do with our thread?
It ran out.

- More thread, please, and larger needles.
- Will you let me?

- Let me have another suture.
- You surgeons are all alike, I tell you that.

If this guy knew the clowns who are
operating on him, I think he'd faint.

- I think he has!
- Come on, nurse. I need a suture, please.

- Coming.
- Keep ahead of him, babe, will you?

And we need a couple
more stitches in there.

That's fine, yeah. Thank you.

Just turn it around.

It's a good thing you have a nice body,
nurse, otherwise we'd get rid of you quick.

- Don't stick me.
- Keep it clean.

Come…

- You know, I can tie that for you.
- Yeah.

Okay, let's have the big stitches
for holding up the chest.

Fine.

- Larger needles, Knocko.
- Now sutures.

Start wrapping up.
I could use another one.

Does anybody know if this is
an officer or an enlisted man?

- He's an enlisted man.
- Make the stitches big.

Attention.
Captain Bani… Captain Bandini.

Attention. Attention.
Captain Bandini is now performing

a palmaral pop, poplit, a pop…

A palmaral p-o-p-l-i-t-e-r-a-l

artery exploration

and possible graft.

The following memo
has just come through.

Please remove all pictures, postcards,
nude calendars, et cetera, from the walls

so that our rooms may look
clean and orderly. That is all.

- It is you. It's you!
- What?

Duke, I ever tell you
how Androscoggin College

beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard 6-0

- 'cause I intercepted a pass?
- Yeah. You told me.

They had this great passer, see,

and we held them 0-0
till the last 20 seconds,

and then, snow and all, he let one go,
and it went sailing, boom!

Lucky your mouth wasn't open
or it would've gotten stuck in your throat.

Oh, baby! How is Trapper John?

- I thought you'd never remember!
- John McIntyre!

John McIntyre! Trapper John.

Only man ever found fulfillment in
a Boston Maine Railway, in the ladies' can.

Conductor opened the door, the girl
looked out and yelled, "He trapped me!

"Oh, my God, he trapped me!"
Honest to God. How are you?

I'm great. What's going on over there?

Well, well, well, must be
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent.

Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?

Walt Waldowski, the dentist. You met him.

Well, what, are those guys waiting
to scrub his back?

No. He's what you might call
the best-equipped dentist in the army.

- You may call it that.
- Yeah.

I saw once in med school, in pre-med.

I did an autopsy on a guy. He would have
been drowned and all swollen up…

- You an authority on that?
- I heard that one, too.

- The most extraordinary thing.
- You told that one…

And a friend of mine had a…

Boy, I'd surely love to see that angry!

Nurse!

Boone, get me a cc of adrenaline
and a cardiac needle.

- I'm sorry…
- Just get it!

And you can cut me about
a four-inch piece of wire

and about an inch and a half of tape.

- Hi, soldier.
- Who is it?

It's Trapper, Trapper. Don't worry.
Let's get some of this stuff off.

You idiot! I said a cardiac needle.

- You want me to get a nurse?
- It's too late, Boone. You killed him.

At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan,
our new chief nurse.

This is where we do the dirty work.

- Captain Murrhardt.
- Sponge.

- Hi.
- Hi, Captain.

Dennis, don't you remember? I helped
carry your luggage from the airfield.

- Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis.
- Hi.

- This is Captain Black.
- Hello, Captain Black.

- Hi, I'm Ugly John, your gas passer.
- Ugly John.

It's only you, Judson. Captain Sacks.

Hello, Captain Sacks.
How's the operation going?

Are you kidding?

Scissors.

- And this is Captain Knocko McCarthy.
- Hello, Major. Right.

Now I'll show you the rest of the
operation, if you'll excuse the pun.

This is the pre-op ward.
I'll take these things.

This is the post-op ward.
If you don't mind…

Vollmer, take care of these, will you?

- Finished work for the day?
- Yes. Why?

Good, good. I just wanted to make sure
you had time to sleep this off.

Son of a bitch!

Trapper! Captain McIntyre!
What the hell…

- That's a captain?
- What's going on? Who started this?

I hit him! I hit him!
He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!

He wouldn't have touched me
if I'd had my guard up.

Let us settle this, Colonel,
between ourselves. Alone!

What do you think I'm running,
an English boarding school?

McIntyre, you're under arrest.

Confine yourself to quarters
pending an investigation.

- Henry, are you kidding?
- I deeply regret this unfortunate incident.

We try to remember
we're a military organization.

I should certainly hope so.

Vollmer, that man is under arrest.
Confine him to his quarters.

- Captain McIntyre, you are officially…
- Come on. Cut it out, Vollmer.

Attention, camp compound.
Urine specimens will be required from all…

Disregard last transmission.

- I'm sorry, Colonel.
- What the hell's the matter with you?

- Henry, you want some coffee?
- Yes, please.

- Ho-Jon, get him some coffee.
- Well, what's wrong with you?

I don't know. I must have lost my punch.

I never expected
the son of a bitch to get up!

That's no kind of an answer.

Come on, Henry. You know why he did it.

I can't have my junior officers
striking each other.

Now, damn it, Henry.
Frank Burns is a menace!

Every time a patient croaks on him,

he says it's God's will
or somebody else's fault.

Yeah, this time he blamed it on some kid
who was stupid enough to believe him.

The hell with that.

I'm tired of you guys
trying to run this outfit.

This time, there's going to be
disciplinary action.

What are you going to do, Henry?

Well, I'd planned to name Trapper
chief surgeon

- to consult on your shift and Frank's.
- That's damn good thinking.

Yeah, but now I can't do it
for at least a week.

If I announced it now after what
our new chief nurse saw this afternoon,

you'd hear her yelling
from Washington to Seoul.

Don't you have any sugar in this place?

Good morning. Today's musical
selections will be rendered by

Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats.

Colonel Blake, General Hammond
did not answer the phone, sir!

They said he was at a football game.

- Those generals have all the fun!
- Yes, sir.

Attention. Attention.
May I have the camp's attention?

This week's movie will be
When Willie Comes Marching Home.

The biggest parade of laughs
of World War II.

All the loves, laughs and escapades
of the Willies who came marching home.

This film stars Dan Dailey,
Corinne Calvet and Colleen Townsend.

Captain Pierce, may I join you?

You've already joined me, gorgeous.
You're a sight for sore eyes.

Where do you come from?

Well, I like to think of the army
as my home.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Ho-Jon, you bring me some ketchup,
will you?

Captain, I've been observing
the nurses on your shift.

Yeah, I know. I saw you.

Naturally, your own opinion
is more informed than mine.

I think you would like to know what I think
of the nurses on my team. I'll tell you.

I think they're fine.
I think they're just great,

and I'm totally satisfied with them.

- Oh, no, that's the second time this week.
- Of course, what do you expect?

Welcome, gentlemen.

- When the lights go on again
- When the lights go on again

- All over the world
- All over the world

You got enough room?

Get rid of the line for me.

All over the world
All over the world

- Is he all right, Hawkeye?
- Is he all right, Dago?

Yes, you mean he's going to live?
He'll live.

I hope somebody's going to be around
tomorrow morning when he wakes up

to tell him that he hasn't got
anything between his legs anymore.

Syngman Rhee's paying the light bill.

- But Major Burns is far from satisfied.
- That doesn't surprise me.

Frank Burns does not know his way around
an operating theater.

He does not know his way around a body.

And if you'll have observed anything,

you'll have observed that
Major Frank Burns is an idiot.

He has flipped his wig, that he is out
of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.

On the contrary, I have observed

that Major Burns is not only
a good technical surgeon,

- he is a good military surgeon.
- You finished?

I have also noticed that nurses, as well as
enlisted men, address you as Hawkeye.

Yeah, because that's my name.
Hawkeye Pierce.

Well, that kind of informality
is inconsistent

with maximum efficiency
in a military organization.

Come off it, Major!

You've put me right off my fresh fried
lobster. Do you realize that?

I'm going to go back to my bed,

I'm going to put away
the best part of a bottle of Scotch

and under normal circumstances,
you being normally what I'd call

a very attractive woman,
I would have invited you back

to share my little bed with me
and you might possibly have come.

But you really put me off.

I mean, you're what we call
a regular army clown.

I wonder how a degenerated person
like that could have reached

a position of responsibility
in the army medical corps.

He was drafted.

- Radar!
- Your briefcase, sir.

- You're going to see Hammond…
- I'm spending the day with Hammond.

I'm gonna stay overnight.

Major Burns'll be in charge.

- Good luck.
- See you in the morning.

Sir, are there any last-minute instructions
you want to give to the men?

No, Radar has all
the necessary information.

Yeah, but who's going to be
on CQ tonight?

Wait a minute. What about the…

- Captain.
- Yes, sir.

I left some shirts on my bunk.
The buttons are missing.

Just ask somebody
to sew them up, please.

- I'd be glad to do them for you.
- You don't have to.

- It's nothing, really. Great jacket. Is it new?
- Oh, yeah, my… It was sent to me.

- You don't have to do that.
- Take care.

Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the surgeons

- He needs a queen to satisfy his urgings
- He needs a queen to satisfy his urgings

Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the trappers

- He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers
- He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers

Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the cutters

He needs a queen
with a bigger pair of udders

- Hail to the chief…
- Hail to the chief…

Blake's gone out of his mind.
Is that going to go on all night?

He took his orders
and shoved them up his rectum

No, no. No food. No food.

- Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex.
- Storch, Storch, come forth.

- No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one.
- He's chosen you! Congratulations!

That one. The sultry bitch with the fire
in her eyes. Take her clothes off.

I want that one! Yes! Yes!

Take her clothes off and bring her
to me now! I want her now!

Doctor! Doctor!
You forgot your shingle, Doctor.

"This letter has been written

- "in the interest of…"
- Army morale.

Good. "Army morale."

Get that thing out, will you?

You want to sing one, too?

Wait a second. Wait a second.
Radar's going to sing us our verse.

"This letter has been written
in the interest of army morale.

"As officers, we feel
it is our duty to bring this

"unwholesome situation
to your attention.

"We are writing this letter jointly
to assure you that

"no one's personal feeling
has any way influenced this report.

- "Respectfully, Margaret J. Houlihan."
- That's perfect.

- "Major Burns."
- That's perfect.

I think it's a marvelous letter.

- We make a good team, don't we?
- We think the same way.

Of course we do.

It's almost suppertime.

- You're not hungry, are you?
- Ravenous. How about you?

For you, Margaret.

Now, the sooner this reaches him,

the sooner we can turn this
into a tight military outfit.

Attention, camp compound. Corporal
Judson has informed the colonel's office

that three cases of amphetamine sulphate
are unaccounted for again.

This is the third occurrence
of this type in the last month.

It must stop,
by order of Colonel Blake's office,

4077th MASH unit.

I only wish I could deliver
that letter personally.

- Good night, Frank.
- Good night, Margaret.

I'll stop by later on to see if you're all right.

- Why, that won't be necessary.
- No, I don't mind.

I'll leave the door unlocked.

Attention.
Captain McIntyre will give a lecture

on blood and fluid replacement
in the mess hall at 0800.

Correction. At 021…

At 9:00 this evening.

Take your hat off, Radar.

- You're before the king… Queen.
- Don't get nervous, Radar.

Long live the chief…

The colonel… The colonel…

Long live the chief
The colonel did elect him

But he took all his orders
And shoved them up his nose

- You all right?
- Fine.

Godless buffoons, all of them.

It's the disrespect for you, Frank.
That's what I can't forgive.

I'm used to it.

- Licorice?
- No, thank you.

What makes me sore
is how they behave towards you.

They ought to be grateful to have you.

I certainly am.

I'm grateful to have you, Frank.

We've grown very close in a short time.

It isn't just chance. I'm sure of that.

God meant us to find each other.

- His will be done!
- Darling!

Frank! Frank!

I'll help you. Oh, yes.

Wait, wait. Get my robe.

Get my zipper. My zipper.

Oh, God! Careful, careful.

Get the searchlight on. Look.

Hey, put the light out.

Hi. What's going on? May I join you?

A little radio show from home.

- Yes, Frank.
- My zipper. Zipper.

- Frank. Yes. Frank.
- Is this the Bickersons? I love them.

- Who?
- The Battling Bickersons. I love it.

Frank.

Hard. Frank.

Harder, harder. Oh, my God.

No, I forgot. No, I…

- You're shining that thing in my eyes.
- I'm sorry.

Darling…

He is such a sweet man.

Frank! Frank, my lips are hot.

Kiss my hot lips!

- Yes, they are hot.
- Hot? Hot Lips?

We have got to share this
with the rest of the camp.

- Switch it over.
- Okay.

Frank. Frank. Yes!

- Darling…
- Frank.

Frank, strangle me hard.

- Frank!
- What the hell is that?

Oh, yes!

Dr. Frank Burns is doing a bit
of dilatation and curettage.

- Sounds like the major's having a dream.
- She's plugged in.

Major. Frank.

- Frank. Wait a second.
- Frank. Wait a second.

- What is it?
- What is it?

- Turn the light off!
- Turn the light off!

- No! Let go! Turn the light off!
- No! Let go! Turn the light off!

- Get your clothes on.
- Get your clothes on.

- Get your pants on.
- Get your pants on.

- Don't shout at me.
- Don't shout at me.

- Don't shove me.
- Don't shove me.

It's too bad Henry wasn't here.

He would've thought it was
a real radio program.

I thought it was a radio program.

I think we should send
a letter of commendation

to the Armed Forces Radio Network.

Wonderful. Yes. It was the most
uplifting program I have ever heard.

It was climactic.

Morning, ladies.

Well, hiya, Hot Lips.

Oh, my goodness, over my…
I'm so sorry to touch you, but I…

Well, what's the matter with her today?

I don't know.
I think it's one of those ladies' things.

- It's not like her to act like this.
- No, I mean, she's made such a…

She's a bitch.
Look at my new flannel sweater.

I think she's gonna have
a nervous breakdown.

She can't even get out of the door. Look…

Morning, Frank.

Heard from your wife?

Morning, Colonel,
you forgot your briefcase.

Yes, I left it in the jeep.

- You left it there.
- Yes. I forgot it. Got it.

- Morning, Captain.
- Morning, sir.

I hope you didn't have to…
Here, take care of this.

I hope you didn't have to bother
with those shirts. It wasn't necessary.

- Too late, sir. It's a done thing.
- Well, thank you. Morning, padre.

You know, I really got to assume…

- Colonel, sir. How was your visit, sir?
- Great. The general wasn't there.

Listen, about last night, sir, there was
just nothing I could do about it, sir.

- Nothing?
- Nothing.

- Well, it couldn't have been helped.
- Thank you, sir.

What's that?

Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce.
Very encouraging.

A bunch of the boys asked me to ask you,
Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack.

- You know, was she…
- Mind your own business.

No, Frank.
You know, is she better than self-abuse?

What's that all about?
He gonna get some pointers or something?

No, Hawkeye's gonna sign him up

to make a personal appearance tour
in all the camps in Korea.

Is that a fact?

Wonder what they're saying.
Can you make it out?

Does that big ass of hers
move around a lot, Frank,

or does it sort of lie there flaccid?
What would you say about that?

Hawkeye's questioning the major
on a point of anatomy.

Very professional, exchanging ideas.

Would you say that
she was a moaner, Frank?

What is Burns saying?

Major Burns isn't saying
much of anything, sir.

I think he's formulating the answer.

Seriously, Frank. I mean, does she go…

Or does she just sort of lie there quiet
and not do anything at all?

- Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
- Or does she go…

Get him off me! Get him off me!

What's going on, Frank?
Is that lesson one?

Frank Burns has gone nuts!

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye.

That man is a sex maniac.
I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him.

You're gonna kill him.

Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.

Colonel, fair's fair. If I nail Hot Lips
and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?

- Hawkeye!
- Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

- Hawkeye!
- Shit.

Okay. Hey, listen, Seidman,
get another guy.

We gotta take this into the OR,
just on the stretcher.

Hold on, you're gonna be just fine, fella.

Okay. I can't move my hand.
Now, come on.

Have you got the cutdowns, darling?

You're gonna go to sleep.
You're gonna be just fine.

Hot Lips, let me have
one of your sterile knives, please.

- I'm gonna need two vascular clamps.
- All right.

And an arterial suture.

As soon as you give me the clamp,

I want you to be ready to gown
and glove me. All right?

- Ready? Okay.
- Yeah.

Here we go. It's gonna spurt a bit. Okay.

- You got it?
- Aye, aye, baby.

- Clamp.
- Yeah.

Okay, gown.

- Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready?
- Yeah.

Okay. Ugly, move out of the way
'cause I'm looking around over there.

Baby, we're gonna see some stitching
like you never saw before!

Attention. Attention.

- You got it?
- Okay. Here she goes.

This is Colonel Blake's office.

- The American Medical Association…
- Straight off and running.

… has just declared marijuana
a dangerous drug.

Despite earlier claims by some physicians

that it is no more harmful than alcohol,
this is now found to be the case.

That is all.

Oh, really?

When did you get them?
Let me try it on you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Hey, Dago Reddo!
Hi. You're just in time for cocktails.

- Come on in.
- No. No, thank you. I can't, really.

- Hawkeye. Hawkeye.
- Okay, Red.

- Could I speak to you?
- Yeah, sure.

No, outside.

- What?
- I have to talk to you outside.

- You all right?
- Hiya, Pup-Pup.

Sorry to drag you away from the gang
in there, but…

- What?
- This'll only take a moment.

- There's a problem with Walt Waldowski.
- Painless?

- Painless.
- You got a toothache? He's a good dentist.

No, no, no, it's not my problem.
See, it's his problem.

- What do you mean? What is it?
- Well, what is it… That's…

It's difficult to talk about, you see,

because I learned about his problem
in confession.

- And you can't…
- I can't divulge.

- Can you give me a hint?
- But I…

- Just an idea?
- Well, no.

But I can tell you how serious it is.

He and the boys were playing poker

and one of the boys turned to him
and asked him

for a ruling on one of the hands.

And Walt said, he said,

"What does it matter? It's only a game."

Painless said,
"What does it matter? It's only a game"?

- Poker, only a game?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

I guess I better go see a man
about a tooth.

Thank you.

- See, I didn't know what to do.
- Pup-Pup.

You see, there are some…

There are some things
that absolution just…

Well…

Seven, eight, Jack.
Straight. Three on a low.

Four, three… Hawkeye, there's
an empty chair here looking for a player.

Baby, I've got a toothache
like you can't believe.

Why do you bring that dog in here?
Last time you did I lost $30.

Listen, why do you have to sit right
behind me? It makes me very nervous.

It brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone.

- Come on. Let's play, man.
- Deuce. Ace.

- Can I take some of your Scotch?
- Sure.

- You want some?
- No.

- How you feeling?
- No, no, don't touch me.

Look, if…

If a man isn't a man anymore,

what's he got left
that he should be living for?

Okay, tell me about it. What's the story?

Well, you know that little nurse that was
through here last night with the 325th?

- The little one with the big boobs.
- Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Well, anyway, I…

I wasn't gonna fool around out here
because I got these…

I got these three girls
that I'm engaged to back home.

And you wanted to be faithful to them.
Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home.

Yeah, well, anyway,
I took her out last night and I failed.

- You mean she wouldn't put out? Well…
- No, she wanted to, in the worst way.

But it was me. I just couldn't…

- You couldn't… It wouldn't…
- Yeah, nothing happened. Not at all. No.

Baby, that happens to everybody.

It's happened to me
maybe four or five times.

It's 'cause you're tired…

Yeah, well,
it's never happened to me before.

Come on. You're the best-equipped dentist
in the army.

- You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit.
- That's just a cover-up.

- What's a cover-up?
- Don Juanism.

I've been reading about it all day.
It's a cover-up.

It's a cover-up for what?

Well…

I'm a fairy.

A victim of latent homosexuality.
I've turned into a fairy.

- Have you… Have you done anything?
- No, but it's only a matter of time.

Boy, I just can't face it.

Look, Hawkeye, suppose that
you found out that you were one, huh?

- One…
- Yeah.

Well, you wouldn't like breaking the news
to your wife.

No, I can see that that would be a problem.

Yeah, well, I got the same problem,
only multiplied.

Well, you know, Man O' War,

after they retired him from racing,
they put him out to stud.

And he had an average of about 120,

130 foals every year,

and he lived to be 36.

And then when he died,
they did an autopsy

and they found out
that he was a raving queen.

No, that's a little-known fact,
but it's the truth.

Well, then, Painless has got a couple
of good years left in him, doesn't he?

Maybe more.
He hasn't even started raving yet.

Painless is a dentist, and a dentist
shouldn't read. That's his whole problem.

His problem is that he believes it.
I mean, he really is convinced.

It's an obsession, and it's a vital force.

Here he comes! The jawbreaker.

No, don't worry.
He's not gonna break anything.

Just act natural.

Hey, Painless. How's she going?

Something in a marshmallow?

No, it's okay, fellas.
I know you've been talking about me.

Well, I came over to tell you
that I've decided that

I'm going to commit suicide.

Well, if you're really gonna
go ahead and do it,

do you think you could leave me
your record player?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Gonna miss you, Painless.
How do you plan to do it?

A .45 between the eyes?

- That's awful sloppy.
- It's reliable, though.

Well, that's another thing
I wanted to ask you.

I'm sort of new at this game, and…

Do you have any particular method
that you'd recommend?

I don't know. I think my colleagues and I
could come up with something

- to relinquish the vital forces of their…
- Black capsule.

- Black capsule.
- Of course. That's neat.

What's a black capsule?
Do you have any of them? Does it work?

It worked for Hitler and Eva Braun.

- It should work for you.
- It's simple and it's effective.

Hawkeye, I really must…

I should check with
the military vicar's office.

You see, I cannot give absolution to a man
who is about to commit suicide.

It's a mortal sin.

Look, Dago, he is not committing suicide.
He is only intending to commit suicide.

So you're not dealing with an act,
you're dealing with an intention.

And if it works, if what we're doing works,
then he will not commit suicide,

so therefore
you're preventing a mortal sin. Okay?

Well, I should check.

- Well, you check on it.
- Well, there's…

All right, where you at? There you go.

Now, then, you've all come here
to say your final farewell to old Walt here.

- Farewell, Walt.
- Dear old Walt.

You know, I got an idea that maybe
it's not such a final farewell after all.

I think maybe old Walt's going on
into the unknown

to do a little recon work for us all.

I just want to say one thing.

Nobody ordered Walt
to go on this mission.

- He volunteered for certain death.
- That's true.

That's what we award
our highest medals for.

- That's beautiful.
- That's what being a soldier is all about.

- Yeah. Hear! Hear!
- Yes. Yes.

Gentlemen, I think there's only one person
who has anything to add to that,

- and that's Dago Red.
- The padre. Let's hear it for the padre.

Walt, here's your black capsule.

Look, this thing works pretty fast,
doesn't it?

I think I better go lie down over there.

Walt, that'll help you.

Through early morning fog I see

Visions of the things to be

The pains that are withheld for me

I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

And I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life is hard to play

I'm going to lose it anyway

The losing card I'll someday lay

So this is all I have to say

That suicide is painless

Wherever you go, take this. Good luck.

It brings on many changes

And I can take or leave it if I please

I'll always remember you just like this.

The only way to win is cheat

And lay it down before I'm beat

And to another give my seat

For that's the only painless feat

Painless.

Suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

It was really nice of you.
Thanks for asking me.

And I can take or leave it if I please

Thing is,

you're throwing
your whole education away.

And you can do

Good night, jawbreaker.

The same thing

If you please

Hi, baby.

- Hi.
- I'm glad you could come.

Sorry it was so late.

That's okay. I really couldn't sleep anyway.
I'm so nervous.

You leaving tomorrow?

Yeah. I'll be on my way
in less than 12 hours.

I suppose who it's going to be really
roughest on, though, is your husband.

Why are you all of a sudden
so concerned with him?

I mean, a man would be
more considerate to his wife.

He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck.

You're just going to have to stop using
logic 'cause you're just proving…

It could be a purely impersonal thing.

… why I shouldn't go to bed with you.

I didn't mean me.

You have the rare privilege that happens
on certain occasions

to chief executives of states or nations.

You have the privilege
of restoring a human being's life

by a tender act of mercy.

What is this? Hawkeye, is he dead?

No, no.

He's not dead. Not yet.

Painless has a grave
psychological problem,

and you're the only person
who can help him.

Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on.

No, Maria.
No, you've got to look on this as a nurse.

Painless needs it for therapeutic value.

It will help him, and it certainly
wouldn't do you any harm, either,

to think about it for a bit.

If you think that your virtue
is more important

than Painless' life, that's fine.
That's entirely up to you.

I just want you to stay here
and be with him for a minute.

Just look at him.

- Just stay close to the whole man.
- Oh, Hawkeye!

And look at him.

Hawkeye!

This is ridiculous.

You forgot your hat! You wouldn't
want to leave without a souvenir.

Have a good trip.

Lieutenant Schneider, you forgot to pick up
your traveling orders. Wait a second!

You're supposed to pick…
These are your traveling orders.

- Morning, Painless.
- Hi, Hawkeye.

How's she going?

Slept like a doll last night.

Well, can't waste time. Big day.

Got two jaws to rebuild.
Come on, Seidman.

Have a good day.

Attention. Attention.

Religious services for Yom Kippur
will be held this…

Will not, will not be held this Friday
due to mitigating circumstances.

For those who wish to observe
said holiday,

Sunday has been reserved. That is all.

- Trapper, this one's for you, babe.
- Knife.

That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.

So are you, sweetheart,
but you don't know it.

- It's in pretty deep.
- I think that was my finger.

Now, I need your help, Hawkeye.
It's hit more than a lung.

- What do you think?
- I don't know.

- Hey, Radar.
- Yes.

Radar, has that A negative come in from
Seoul yet? I need some in right away.

- We keep ordering it, but it never arrives.
- How'd the kid take the induction, Ugly?

Good. He's ready.

Pickups and irrigation, please.

- We good?
- Yeah.

All right, give me some gel foam.

Not now, honey. Go back to sleep.

Scissors.

- Sponge.
- More sponges.

- Let's have the suction up here. Thank you.
- Rib spreader.

- Clamp.
- Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.

There's a lot of blood.

- Sponge.
- Go ahead.

- Scissors. Watch it.
- Give me something to stuff it in with.

- Clamp.
- Pickups to me, please.

How's he tolerating this, Ugly John?

- Good. He's young.
- Things get slippery in there, man.

You're a backhanded guy.

Let me have the forceps
and a sponge stick.

Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass,
but you're a damn good nurse.

- Thanks, Trapper.
- Put in the blood there, will you, John?

There's a clot on the cava,
just above the atrium, though.

Must be the point of entry.

Clamp.

I feel a fragment right underneath the clot.

- You control the cava.
- Okay.

- We got to stop that spurting.
- Clamp.

- Do what?
- Stop the spurting.

That's a very good technical term.

Oh, Christ. It's not in the cava.

It's in the pulmonary artery
in the left side.

Okay, let me close him up, sit on it
for a couple of days till we get the blood.

We can't sit on it for a couple of days.
What if we get jammed up?

We don't have the blood!

We got to turn him over.
If you cut again, you'll lose him.

Look, Hawkeye, the artery can erode.
I would…

Now's the time to take our shot.
We got to shoot crap.

- A negative. It's been cross-matched.
- You said you didn't have any blood.

I found a donor.

You know, up close, all crumpled up like
that, they don't look like much, you know.

Hey, was he loaded or empty
when he crashed?

No, he was loaded,
but it didn't matter much.

You see, the two guys
he was carrying were dead already.

What about the pilot?
What happened to him?

Pilot's fine. Took off a kneecap,

and he lost the function
in his right hand, but he's great.

I didn't hear. What color was her hair?

Black, shiny. Shiny, black hair.

Black? You like black?
I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.

I knew it. I knew you had
an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan.

- Hear! Hear!
- Go to hell, Captain Pierce.

You know I damn near puke
every time I look at her.

Besides, I'll bet she's not a real blonde.

How dare you say that about
an officer of the United States Army, sir?

I'll not only say it,
but I'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?

You have yourself a bet, sir.
You're my witness.

I'll be a witness, but who's going to be
the poor schmuck who finds out?

Well, I could, if no one else wants, I…

No, no. We got to all see it together
somehow.

You know, it's five minutes after the time
the nurses usually take their shower.

- Where are they?
- They will be here.

Finest kind, Ho-Jon.

- What's happening?
- Radar.

- You see the papers?
- What?

- You don't know about the papers?
- What papers?

The Colonel left some papers.

- Why didn't you tell me about the papers?
- I tried to tell you.

Here you go, here you go. They're coming.

- Evelyn, could you give me a hand?
- Sure.

Hey, Frankie, could you take a look
at my corns, please?

Knocko, the pictures of my kids
have come.

The pictures of my kids have come.

Hot Lips, would you like to see
the pictures of my kids?

I'm not the slightest bit interested.

Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Author! Bravo!

Bravo! Author! Author!

20 bucks, huh?

You win the bet.

You bastards!

- Major, what went on over there…
- Where's Colonel Blake?

Wait a second.
You can't go and see Colonel Blake.

You shut up, you twerp!

This isn't a hospital!
It's an insane asylum!

And it's your fault because you don't
do anything to discourage them!

- What do you want me to do?
- Put them under arrest!

See what a court-martial thinks
of their drunken hooliganism!

At first they called me Hot Lips,
and you let them get away with it,

and then you let them
get away with everything!

If you don't turn them over
to the MP this minute,

I'm going to resign my commission!

God damn it, Hot Lips,
resign your goddamn commission.

My commission!

My commission!

My commission!

A little more wine, my dear?

Yes, please.

Don't forget to get your mother
her present.

You know what I want to get her?

Come on, baby.

Come on. You all right?
Keep it straight, eh?

No. First of all, the present,
then dinner, then the movie.

- You mean all, all three of us?
- Who is this?

Where I go, Warren goes.

What? You don't want me to go with you?

- It's not that.
- I think…

Oh, yes, I do!

He's Syngman Rhee's son,
and he goes right in.

Come on, Bandini.

Hey, soldier!

- Me?
- Yeah, you. Where you from?

- A MASH outfit at the frontline.
- No, I mean your hometown.

It's on the East Coast.

Have you been wounded yet?

Yeah, a little, a slight…

Would you like to say hello
to your mother?

Well, my mother's dead, actually.
She's deceased.

Well, I'm sorry.

- I'd like to say hello to my father, if I could.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine, fine.

Hi, Dad.

Excuse me. I am making an examination
of this young man

to find out if he would be
a soldier in our army.

Oh, yeah, I know. Hi, Ho-Jon.
How's she going, boy?

His heartbeat is much too fast,

and his blood pressure
is dangerously high.

Oh, yeah?

I guess you probably think
he's unfit for the army, eh?

Yes, at first. But when I saw on his paper
he worked in an American hospital

where there are many drugs,
and he could have taken some by mistake.

- What would he do a thing like that for?
- Who knows?

To find the truth, I will keep him here
with me for a couple of days.

By tomorrow, his fast heart
and high blood pressure may be gone.

- Look…
- So I suggest you say goodbye to him now.

- Doctor, I've…
- It was a nice try. It was a nice try.

Come on, Ho-Jon.

Oh, man!

The following program is brought to you
through Radio Tokyo by courtesy

of the Veterans of Foreign Wars,
Post Number 63 of Sedalia, Missouri.

A federal court rules that
E.I. Du Pont De Nemours & Company,

Remington Arms Company Inc.,

and the Imperial Chemical Industries
Limited of Great Britain

have conspired to divide munition…

Hey!

Idiot! He knocked me down the hill!
He broke my umbrella!

I wish they wouldn't land these things here
when we're playing golf.

- That's him on the right.
- Fore!

- Wait! Wait!
- Captain…

The lieutenant's come all the way
from Seoul, sir, just to see you.

- You're Captain McIntyre?
- Yes, I'm Captain…

Lieutenant, you look terrible.

Captain, look at his eyes.
Let me see your tongue.

Oh, no, no. Here, take your shirt off
and tell me where it hurts.

I haven't seen a case like this
since I was in school. Oh, my goodness.

Listen, Vollmer, tell them
to prepare the major surgery.

This is one case in five.
I think I can save you, Lieutenant.

You're to proceed to
Kokura, Japan immediately.

Kokura, Japan! What's this all about?

Yeah. His dad's a Congressman.

Grenade went off in practice.
There's a piece in his heart.

- What?
- GI's dad's a Congressman.

Grenade went off in practice.
Piece in his heart.

- That the x-rays?
- Yeah.

Apparently some big heart surgeon
in Boston told the Congressman

the only man to take care of his son
is Captain John McIntyre.

Of course, I suppose there could be
two Captain John McIntyres.

No, no, I'm the only John McIntyre.

Look, Hammond says I can take along
someone to assist me if I need him.

- You want to come?
- Yeah.

Lieutenant, I think I can save you.
Look, take one of these every half-hour.

Now, get into your helicopter and button
up your shirt, for crying out loud!

You're in the military army!

- That piece isn't even close to his heart.
- I know, I know. It's nothing.

But, look, how many times do you
get to go to Japan with your golf clubs?

Come on, Shirley.

Goddamn army.

Goddamn army.

Goddamn army jeep.

Excuse me, soldier.

I wonder if you could tell me
where the Congressman's son is?

- He's in Ward 6.
- Darling, would you register for us?

- Just a moment!
- Ward 6.

You can't go in there. Who are you?

Who am I? I am the pro from Dover,

- and this is my favorite caddy.
- I don't believe you.

You can't go in till I call Captain Peterson.

- We already called Captain Peterson.
- Wait a second.

If this soldier wants to enforce
her own orders,

I'm going to take her on single-handedly.

- Get away!
- You open this.

- He's won two Purple Hearts.
- You can't…

- I'll ravage your body, lady.
- You stay away from me. I'll call the police.

- You can't come in here! You can't.
- You have not seen such a beast, lady.

I'm going to call Captain Peterson.
You stay away from me!

Captain Peterson, please.

Captain Peterson!

What are you two hoodlums
doing in this hospital?

Ma'am, we are surgeons
and we're here to operate.

We're just waiting for a starting time,
that's all.

Well, you can't even go near a patient

until Colonel Merrill says it's okay,
and he's still out to lunch.

Look, Mother, I want to go to work
in one hour.

We are the pros from Dover,
and we figure to crack this kid's chest

and get out to the golf course
before it gets dark.

So you go find the gas passer,

and you have him
pre-medicate this patient,

then bring me the latest pictures on him.

The ones we saw
must be 48 hours old by now.

Then call the kitchen
and have them rustle us up some lunch.

Ham and eggs will be all right.
Steak would be even better.

And then give me at least one nurse
who knows how to work in close

without getting her tits in my way.

Oh, you fool.

How do you want your steak cooked?

Towel.

Say the magic words, you make $100.

All right! I demand an explanation.

Somebody get that dirty old man
out of this operating theater.

Dirty old man…

I'm Colonel Merrill.

I don't care if you're Jack Armstrong,
the All-American Boy.

If this chest gets infected,
I will tell the Congressman who did it.

- Scissors, please.
- Will you let me have a skin suture?

Load pickups.

- Who was that?
- That's Colonel Merrill.

- This is his little store here.
- Oh, yeah?

Who are you?

I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually.
This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.

Then why don't you save
your rapier-like wit

for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye?

Approximate her.

Did I ever tell you about my friend,
"Me Lai" Marston?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That friend of yours
who would go around saying,

"Me lay, you lay" to all the girls,
and, what, he'd score once out of 50 times.

Yeah, you told me about him.

He's passing gas
for the Congressman's son here.

Really? When he's not passing gas,
does he play golf?

I don't know.

- Do you play golf?
- No. I have no time for golf.

I'm moonlighting down at Dr. Yamachi's
New Era Hospital and Whorehouse.

This old guy that I met
when I first came over here,

he's got a little crude hospital for kids

and he finances it with a whorehouse,
all in the same building.

It's the NEHWH. Come on down,
and we'll get something going for you.

- I've got an in, in Kokura!
- Here, soldier, take these,

and take our golf carts, and… Be careful.

Don't drop any of those things
'cause we're going to play golf later.

- It's important.
- Goodbye, pimp.

- Ladies.
- Girls.

Gentlemen. Be careful with that…

Military police.

All right, fellas, the game's over.

Finally caught up with us, huh?

Where did we fail?

I don't know. I think it was the woman.

Something tells me
I've seen her some place before.

She was the one in Tangiers.

You can wait in the colonel's office.
He'll be back in a few minutes.

We don't blame you.

You're only doing your job.

United Press International, today,
voted the Korean War

- the top news story of 1951.
- We're in the middle of putting.

My God.

All right. You men are under arrest.

- I'll have you court-martialed.
- Come off it, Colonel.

You won't have us. We have you.

Your boys blew this case
and we bailed you out.

Now we are going to stay here
for one more day

and check out the Congressman's kid

and get in some golf for ourselves.

If that's okay with you, then we got a deal.

And if it isn't,
then we can always call Washington

and you tell them your story
and we'll tell them ours.

It's as simple as that.

In the meantime,
we are going to be at the pro shop,

where we are going to have
a shower and a shave.

If you want to get in touch with us,
that is where we will be.

Is that a client? Excuse me.

- I've got sinus, too.
- Put some of that in that one.

- Put it in a plate.
- How about sake?

Excuse me.

That really looks terrible.

- Okay.
- You try one.

- Good?
- It's terrible.

Listen, I hate to do this to you, fellas,

but do you think you could take a minute
and look at a kid for me?

- Now?
- A kid?

Yeah.
We had a little carelessness around here,

and the other day,
one of our girls presented us

with an eight pound
American-Japanese boy.

Whatever we feed him,
it either comes right back up,

or he coughs and he turns blue.
He just has a hell of a time.

We don't have to see him.
Just call that half-assed army hospital

and tell them to get some Lipiodol
ready for his stomach,

and we'll go over and take some x-rays.

We can't get near that place.

You know, with a civilian,
the colonel has a big thing about it,

especially a native,
as he likes to call them.

Then don't tell him
any more than necessary.

Tell him the pros from Dover
are on their way with an emergency.

Tell him to get the OR ready,
get the kid asleep

and Trapper and I'll fix
his tracheoesophageal fistula.

Okay, Me Lai, put him down in here.

Get him to sleep
as quick as you can, will you?

- Where did this baby come from?
- Watch him.

- Is this what you got us up for?
- Yeah. That's what we got you up for.

Now, come on. Look, we stumbled on him.

We don't want him, but we don't feel
we can back away from him.

All right.
This time, I will not be intimidated.

I command that this
illegal and improper use

of army facilities cease immediately!

On this point, I stand as firm
as the Rock of Gibraltar.

And furthermore… You can't do…

This one is for West Point.

What the Sam Hill's going on here?

That's what they all say.
What a filthy, disgusting, despicable…

There's no competition to the Painless
Pole, but it's pretty healthy, I think.

You know, Colonel,
we caught you with your pants down.

- The men that are fighting…
- The men are fighting on our frontline!

Attention! Attention!

Colonel Blake has secured for us
the Halls of Montezuma,

so big only the biggest of the screen
can bring it to you all.

Technicolor's. "Tell it to the Marines,
those lovable lugs with wonderful mugs,

"who we now love more than ever.

"Tell them they're still
the greatest guys in the world."

Follow Lieutenant, Punchy,
Limey, Baby-Face, Doc,

the Poet, Pretty Boy and Slattery

through some of the most
interesting war films yet created.

Due to a possible camp infection,

Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill
is now off limits. That is all.

- Could I have some longer needles?
- Get this sponge out of the way.

Cut down on the back, will you?
Hey, Dago.

- Hi. Did you have a nice time in Japan?
- Yeah, I screwed a kabuki dancer.

- Let me have the long-fingers.
- It's okay for a while.

- Yeah, but I can't stop this bleeding.
- Okay.

Keeping the blood internal.

- How's the intake, Painless?
- Normal.

Clamps down there.

- I'm here if you need me, Henry.
- I can't talk to you now, padre.

No, I mean, he's going to be all right,
isn't he?

- He's going to be fine.
- Good.

Does anybody else need help?

Ask around.

What's he got the flaps down for?

- Duke. Come on, Duke. Open up.
- What? No, I don't want any.

Hey, Duke. Come on. Open up, man.

Who is it?

What the hell you doing back here?

Come on. We've been working for hours.
Will you open up?

Wait a minute. I'll be right with you.

- Hi, Hot Lips.
- You miss us?

- Shame, shame on you
- Shame, shame on you

Well…

- Radar.
- Yes, sir.

Hold this, please.

Colonel Blake.

Henry? Yeah. Charlie here. Yeah.

I've got news for you.

You were so concerned
about the battle for Old Baldy.

- Well, it's all over.
- That's great news, General. Who won?

By the way, I have a report here, Henry,
from your chief nurse Major O'Houlihan.

She makes some accusations, Henry,
I find pretty hard to believe.

Don't believe them, then.
Thank you, General. Goodbye.

Yeah… What?

- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.

Attention. Attention. Friday night's movie
will be The Glory Brigade.

Rock 'em, sock 'em, kisses you never got.

It's Uncle Sam's combat engineers
charging side by side with Greeks, Anzacs,

showing the world a new way to fight,
as they use bulldozers like bazookas,

bayonets like bazookas… Bullets.

Starring Victor Mature. That is all.

I'll be with Colonel Blake.

Check this place out.
See what the nurses are like, huh?

Right, sir.

- 4077th Mobile Army Surgical…
- Yeah, yeah.

- Sir, do you know where…
- Yes, I know where he is.

All right.

All right.

- Thank you.
- Look, Charlie,

you can't blame Henry

because Hot Lips Houlihan
can't stand her name.

You know, she's just a lady, though.
What the hell?

Come on, for crying out loud.

She's regular army.
She's a fanatic about ritual.

She won't even let us play football.

- Football?
- Gentlemen. She's all lined up, Charlie.

Yeah. I didn't know
you had a football team.

It's pretty much in the planning stage.

No, no, we have a very fine football team.

Yeah? Well, we had a team
back with the 325th Evac last year.

- And what a team that was.
- Yeah. I coached the boys myself.

- He's the finest coach in the Far East.
- Yeah.

We're now trying to work out
a schedule of the outfits

that we're going to play this year.

Of course, we, you know, throw
a little money into a pot and make bets.

How much money
do you put into your pot?

- $5,000, $6,000.
- $5,000!

Look, you know, I don't think we're
in the sort of league that you're in.

Well, I'm sure we can find a date
when we can play your team.

- It can be arranged.
- Yeah. I think I'll talk this over with Henry.

Thanks, boys. Thanks for the drink.

- Thank you.
- What the hell you…

Sir, ever since the dark days
before Pearl Harbor,

I've been proud to wear this uniform.

- What the hell is this?
- A helicopter.

Hawkeye, that man has five times
the manpower to draw on than we do.

Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right?

We get Henry to apply, make a specific
application for a neurosurgeon.

He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.

- Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones?
- He's… Who is Oliver Harmon Jones?

He is better known as Spearchucker Jones.

- He's a good ballplayer.
- Yes!

He's a negro boy,
played with the 49ers, didn't he?

- Sure.
- Yeah. Sure, I remember.

He's good. He's good.

Henry, if we had closer relations,

we wouldn't have
this misunderstanding, right?

Now, that's where a football game
would help between your outfit and mine.

- A football game?
- Yeah, yeah.

We put up a few bets,
$5,000 maybe, and have a little fun.

Special Services in Tokyo says
it's one of the best gimmicks we've got

to keep the American way of life
going here in Asia.

- Betting?
- No. Football.

But what about Major O'Houlihan?

You mean Hot Lips? Screw her.

- Gee, I don't know…
- It's a helicopter, General.

I know it's a helicopter.

You know what?
You guys have one problem.

I just wondered about the social problem,
you know.

I mean, he's the only Negro officer
in the whole camp, you know.

We got a problem, then
we'll stick him in here with us, baby boy.

- You're serious, ain't you? You'd do that.
- Sure, I'm serious. Yeah.

It's enough for me to have to put up
with you two Yankees,

but I'm, you know, that's…

Because of his wife, was that why?
Or was it a religious problem?

- It was a conditioning problem.
- Why do they call you Spearchucker?

I used to throw the javelin.

All right, men, we're not here
to sell lemonade. We're here to practice.

But first I'd like to
officially welcome Spearchucker.

- Is it all right to call you that?
- Call me whatever you want to.

Good. Well, I just want you to know
that we're all the same here

on the playing field, officers and men alike.

Now, we're going to begin
with the three basic principles.

Organization, discipline and teamwork.

- Now…
- Pardon me.

- Do you mind if we limber up first?
- That's a good idea. You organize that.

Move that line, hey! Hold that line, hey!

All right, Seidman, keep on
pushing that… Whatever you call it.

That's good. All right, Hot Lips,
keep their arms and limbs moving there.

Radar, you're a coach.
You're not a corporal. You're a coach,

so keep them going through there.

Good, Hot Lips.

All right, Seidman, give them five.

All right, men, take five.

Spearchucker.

Well, we look pretty lousy, don't we?

Well, for college players
that have been out of training

for seven or eight years,
yeah, you look pretty lousy.

Listen, I got an idea
how we can make some money.

We leave him out
of the first half of the game.

We bet half our money.
They roll up some points, okay?

Second half of the game, we stick him in.
We get odds from them.

We bet the other half of the money.
We clean up.

- That's very good thinking, Captain.
- Yeah. It sounds good to me.

And I had another idea.
I think we should have some plays.

You know, usually in football,
you have some organized plays.

- Well, if you don't mind, I took the liberty.
- You have.

- I drew up about seven or eight plays.
- These are good.

I think that's about all
this bunch can handle.

Very good. Yes. Very, very good.

What are these little arrows?

- Right into his hands.
- Right on!

- Well, it's only six points.
- Six points.

- Well, it's only one point.
- One point!

Who's that number one? That man
runs like a rabbit. We can't stop him.

Yeah. I remember him from the pros.
They call him Super Bug.

He had one year with the Rams
before the army got him.

- We can't do anything with him in there.
- Hey, listen. You got to come in now.

- We can't wait till the second half.
- No, no.

We got to stick to our strategy,

but the first thing you guys have to do
is get him out of the ballgame.

Hey, Davidson! Here.

Let's ease up just a little bit.
We don't want the score too lopsided.

He caught it!

- Get him!
- Get him!

- Go get him!
- Go get him!

Who's he giving it to?

- Isn't that Corporal Judson with the ball?
- Judson's a lineman. Judson can't run!

He's loose. He's loose.

For crying out loud, Judson,
what're you doing?

- Duke, you threw me that damn ball.
- Come on, let's get in a huddle.

What the hell?
You had the whole field open!

Why'd you go and fall down for?

I'm no goddamn runner. I'm a lineman.

We're going to really clean up today.

Hut one, hut two!

- It's only two points.
- Two points.

What the hell you think you are,
a cannon?

What kind of a snap was that?

We got a lot of money on this game.
This is embarrassing, man.

- Oh, go, we want some dough!
- Oh, go, we want some dough!

- Let's go!
- Let's go!

- What happens now?
- We get a free kick.

A free kick! Girls!

- Hit that ball! Kick that ball!
- Hit that ball! Kick that ball!

- Another six points.
- Another six points.

Look, look, he's hurt.

He's leaving the game!

He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!

He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!

What the hell's the matter with you?
Smith!

- Goddamn bastards pulled something.
- Hey, Coach, did I break my 9 in 400?

400! This is not a track meet.
This is a football game.

What the hell do you think I pay you for?

Get him up. Walk him around.
Do something.

- I think I'll run the 440.
- 440! This is a football game, God damn it!

All right, you guys,
get in there and kill them!

All right, bub, your fucking head
is coming right off.

- I'm ready, Coach. Ready, Coach.
- Ready for what?

- I'm in the broad jump, Coach.
- Get him back on the bench. Broad jump!

- Still 16-0.
- 16-0.

Well, that's not bad. 16-0 in the first half.

I guess I have to give them
the old Knute Rockne at half-time.

- About time for the gun.
- Right.

Hurts like a mother,
but how are we gonna score…

Men, ever since the dark days
before Pearl Harbor,

- I've been proud to wear this uniform.
- Boone, you got a towel?

- Henry, have you pressed the bets yet?
- Today we are wearing…

Henry, have you pressed
the bets yet, babe?

- The bets, the bets!
- Henry, press the bets, man.

Finish, finish the half-time speech.

Hit them with a mortar!
Kick them off the hill!

- Mash them! Smash them! Kill! Kill! Kill!
- Mash them! Smash them! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Hot Lips! There's a time
and a place for everything, damn it!

- Right. Bo-bo.
- Bo! Bo!

Come on, Smitty. Come on, boy.

- What's the matter with him?
- What's the matter with him?

Hell, you ought to know.
You guys pulled something out there.

Well, I guess you don't
want to double the bet.

The hell I don't.

We were beating you without him,
and we'll go on beating you.

Are you prepared
to back that up with odds?

Damn right. Three to one. Double the bet.

Who's that 24? Who is he?

Stop him! Stop him!

Stop him! Stop him! Who is that guy?
He wasn't in the game in the first half.

Stop him!

- That's Spearchucker Jones.
- Spearchucker who?

He played with San Francisco
before he got drafted.

Boy, he's going to be tough to stop, too.

Henry, you brought in a ringer, did you?

- Radar, what's the general trying to say?
- Didn't bring him in the first half, did you?

He's just been informed
as to the identity of our Spearchucker.

His ringer's spotted our ringer.

How do you like them apples, Charlie?

- You can't trust anybody.
- Now watch him make the extra point.

Isn't that illegal?

What kind of team is it?
They're falling all around like dead flies!

- Look! A red flag! We've got a red flag!
- Hot Lips!

It's a penalty, you blithering idiots.

Judson, get off of him.
You'll be thrown out of the game.

Judson, kill him!

What's wrong with you, huh?
We're here to play football, not fight!

- Bastard 88 called me a coon.
- Called you a what?

Coon.

Okay, that's an old pro trick
to get you thrown out of the ballgame.

Why don't you do the same thing to him?

What, call him a coon?

No, no, the boys in camp
used to talk about his sister.

Her name was Gladys. Use it!

- Yeah.
- All right, all right.

What the hell are you doing,
for God's sake?

What's the matter here?

They're taking him out.

- 69 is divine! 69 is divine!
- 69 is divine! 69 is divine!

There you go, Charlie.
Another side of beef for your butcher shop.

Let's get the ball and really go!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

- Who's the brunette? She a new one?
- Yeah, I just had her shipped in.

Yeah. Not bad.
Kill them! Kill them, God damn it!

My God! They've shot him!

Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop.
It's the end of the quarter.

What did I make you a major for?
For a team like that?

I did the best I could, Charlie.

I didn't know
they were going to bring in a ringer.

I ought to put you in there
and let them kill you,

is what I ought to do.

What about my knee, Charlie?
Remember my knee.

You better get on your goddamn knee
and start praying. Trick knee, my ass.

My God!

- How's that?
- Did you see that?

Get the hell back there. Get back there.

Well, looks like we may make it.
Seconds to go.

Okay, fellas,
we don't have very much time left.

Now, I just checked with the ref.

I got a special play I want to run with,
a center eligible play.

We line up with everybody to the right
of the center except Hawkeye,

who drops back one yard
just before the snap of the ball.

Now, that makes you the semi-eligible,

but all you have to do is take the ball
right back from Trapper between your legs

and hide it under your belly
and walk toward their goal. All right?

Trapper.

We got it.

All right. This is only one time. $5,000.

- Worth a try.
- It'd be a miracle.

I'm short one.

- What do you say? What do you say?
- Let's do it now!

Ready, Hawk?

Ready!

Set!

- What are you doing? Get back!
- I got the ball!

Run with it!

- Two dollars.
- Two dollars.

Four dollars.

Out. I fold.

Raise you two more. You raise his two?

Raise you another two.

- I have an Oklahoma.
- Oh, God!

- What is that?
- Oklahoma. It's a pair of eights,

- a ten of spades, a deuce, and a five.
- You win!

What are you talking about?
What do you have?

Tokyo.

The United States Armed Forces
Radio is on the air.

Duke? You busy?

- What is it?
- Henry's got our orders. We can go home.

Right now?

Any time. Whenever we want.

Do you mind
if we get out of this guy's brain first?

Can't you sew this thing up?
You got that vessel under control.

Haven't you?

I want to make sure the oozing
is completely checked before I close up.

Damn perfectionist.

Yeah, well, I'm…

I'll see you.

Five goddamn months,

and they don't even give a guy
time off for good behavior.

Hey, hey, man, see you around.

It's possible.

Take care of the squirrels.

So long, Pup-Pup.

Will you go, for Christ's sakes?

Will you go before they change their mind?
Get out of here!

"O Lord God,
listen favorably to our prayers

"and with your right hand bless this jeep.

"Send your holy angels
so that all who ride in it

"may be delivered and guarded
from every danger.

"And as you granted faith and grace

"by your deacon Philip
to the man from Ethiopia,

"who was sitting in his chariot
and reading holy scripture,

"show the way of salvation
to your servants,

"so that helped by your grace
and always intent on doing good works,

"they may, after all the trials
of their pilgrimage and life on earth,

"attain to everlasting joys
through Christ, our Lord. Amen."

Captain Pierce,
your driver will be here in just a minute.

- Yes, sir.
- Have a good trip, sir.

Now, let's go, driver.

Attention.
Tonight's movie has been MASH.

Follow the zany antics
of our combat surgeons

as they cut and stitch their way
along the frontlines.

Operating as bombs…

Operating as bombs and bullets
burst around them,

snatching laughs and love
between amputations and penicillin.

Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?

- No, sir. That's the one he came in.
- Very good. Come along, my dear.

Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red,

Painless, Radar, Hot Lips,
Dish and Staff Sergeant Vollmer

as they put our boys back together again.

Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould,

Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman,
Robert Duvall,

Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois,
Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin,

John Schuck, Fred Williamson,
Indus Arthur,

Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort,

Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara
Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman,

Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy,
G. Wood, Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup.

- Goddamn army.
- That is all.