Lynne Koplitz: Hormonal Beast (2017) - full transcript

[beeping]

[on voicemail]
Hey, Mom, it's Lynne, your daughter.

You do have Netflix.

It's not on the TV.

I gave it to you for Christmas.
It's on the tablet that I gave you.

It's the one that you thought
was a phone.

OK, so you just open that up.

And then you hit Netflix.

And then it's gonna say,
"Who is watching?

Mom or Lynne?"

You're not Lynne, so you hit "Mom."



Listen, I am running to go on stage.
I'll call you later.

OK, don't forget, hit "Mom."

OK, I am coming.

My mom's fucking crazy.

- OK. Oh, shit.
- [beeping]

[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Lynne Koplitz.

[cheering, applause]

Hi.

Hello!

Hello, hello, hello!

It's so exciting.

Oh, my gosh. I would love to act like
I am not comfortable like this,

but I am so comfortable like this.

I love it. I love this whole thing.
I feel like...



Barbie, years later.

After she sold the dream house

and she is living in her loft.

She found out that Ken is gay
and she is all right.

Now she likes to be called Barbara.

She let herself go a little bit.

Not too much, little cankly.

All right, before we talk about anything
else, but there's so much to get into,

there's one thing that happened... today.

Pissed me off. Um...

I know, it feels weird
like I'm in a pretty testy...

"Piss me off," like I am from Jersey.
"Piss me off."

The guy that I am... We'll call it dating,

said... that I was crazy.

He called me crazy.

On a day that I am taping
my first one-hour special,

he called me crazy.

Men, I just want to know...

what is it you think's gonna happen...

when we are behaving in a way
that you perceive as crazy

and you say to us, "You're crazy"?

Like, what do you think's gonna...
Do you think you're doing something good?

Do you think in your heart?
'Cause maybe you do.

Do you think that you're shining
some "man light of reason"

on the "lady crazy?"

Like, maybe, our crazy is so shadowy
that we can't see it,

and you're putting your
"man light of reason"

and we're gonna go, "Oh, thank you."

First of all,
let's be real clear, we are not crazy.

We are hormonal.

We are fucking hormonal most of our lives.

Do you understand that?

At 13, around that time,

we get messages as women,
and, men, I feel it right now.

I don't even have to look at you.

I can feel the people at home
rolling their eyes.

Fuck you! Stop rolling your eyes.

We are hormonal, I am not making it up.

At around 13,

we find out that people
could live inside us.

And then once a month,
we get a message.

Our brain tells every organ, "Get ready.

This could be the month
that we get the guest.

This could be the month...

that the guest is gonna come...
Everyone's involved, tell 'em...

Tell uterus we're proud of her.
Get everybody, the Fallopians.

Tell both intestines.

'Rectum?' Yes. Rectum.

Rectum's gonna play
a very big role in the end.

Everybody."

He's involved too.
I always make rectum a man.

And then, when we are my age,
I am almost 50,

then all of a sudden
the brain sends a message,

"All right, tell everybody, close it down.

No one's coming. Sorry."

I am the exact age right now
that my mother was.

I am 49. I am the same age my mother was
when we thought she was crazy.

The great cold cut fiasco of 1985.
True story.

We found my mother in the kitchen
throwing luncheon meat at the dog,

and crying and saying,
"I'm just a sandwich maker to you people.

Nobody cares about me."

And that's cause we ate the turkey meat.

We left salami and bologna,
or as mother called it, "The cheap meat."

And she said that by us eating it,
like the heathens we were,

that we just proved
that she was cheap meat.

That's how we were treating her.
And we thought she's fucking crazy.

She's lost it.

And now, I look back
and I think, she was so justified...

in her behavior
'cause I remember eating the turkey.

We ate it right off the wrapper.

We didn't put it
on a sandwich or anything.

We didn't... Had no regard for my mother.

We just plundered it
like a bunch of fucking Vikings.

Men never have the same
hormonal issues that we do.

When you're 15, what's the biggest issue?

Thirteen, you find out that you have
guests that need to be dropped off...

three, four, five...
eight times a day.

This is a true story. I have a friend
whose grandmother died. Sad.

And...

That's sad. That's a sad thing.

His grandma died. He loved her very much.

I called him at night.
He said, "It was a horrible day.

But, you know, I felt really exhausted.
I just came home,

rubbed one out...

and fell asleep.

I feel much better now,
want to get ice cream?"

That's who men are.

Like, they can masturbate out
"dead nana" sadness.

And to the point where
they can get ice cream.

We can't do that.
If I did that, I'd be, like,

"I am sorry, Nana. I am disgusting."

We'd be so grossed out at ourselves.

You know what it is? Men...

your behavior is more
predictable than ours.

That's why you perceive us as crazy

'cause when you're emotional,
when you're hormonal,

it's predictable. It's like a hurricane.

You can plan for a hurricane.

Remember when you were a kid

and if you fucked with something
of your father's

you knew exactly how he was gonna behave.

If something happened
to his Steelers Jersey,

"OK, I am gonna run to the Kmart
and try and find another one."

And by the way, side note,

the audacity you have to call us crazy

when, I know men

who believe they can wear
an entire outfit for their team

and watch it on television
and help the team win.

But we are crazy.

Seriously? You know how nuts that is?

That would be, like,
me sitting in a swivel chair

to watch The Voice.

Women aren't hurricanes.

You can't predict our behavior,
that's why it appears crazy.

"Crazy."

We are like tornadoes.
Have you ever been in a tornado?

You're just sitting, relaxing,
enjoying the day...

and all of a sudden
shit don't feel right.

The climate changes just like that.
It just changes.

You look out in the distance,
"What's that?"

Run.

It's a tornado.
That's what mothers are like, tornadoes.

You can't prepare.

What men don't understand
is what you think,

you think we got upset
over some small thing?

We didn't get upset over this small thing.
The tornado's been up there, brewin'.

It's been brewin'.

This small thing triggered it.

This small thing was a trigger.

Who left the sock
in the middle of the living room floor?

What do you mean, you don't know?

How do you not know?

Four people live here.
Two are small, one's me, one's you.

I don't wear big, stinking socks
and I don't go in the living room.

You know why? 'Cause I want one nice room.

Is that wrong for me
to have one nice thing?

No, it's not wrong.

Don't roll your...
Don't walk away from me.

Don't walk the fuck away from me.

And they think we're crazy.

You know who I think is crazy?

Somebody who goes out
to a level five twister

and tells it you need to calm down.

"You need to relax.

What happened?" Don't you think we know?

We're acting a little
fucking nutty at this moment.

Don't you think we see the cows flying by?

We know shit's fucked up.
We can't stop this.

Have you... Did you not see the movie?
You can't stop this.

When we are at that place,
when we are in the eye of the storm.

We can't stop it.

When you are in a diaper
driving from Florida to Texas,

shit is fucked up.

I can't stop that.

All I can tell you is that someone's
gonna die at the end of this trip.

A tornado is the only natural disaster

that can whip itself into such a frenzy.

It can go down the block
to its sister's house,

talk to that bitch for a few minutes
and boom, there are two.

Two.

"He left the sock
in the middle of the living room floor."

"Remember the time
he kissed your friend in high school..."

[screams]

Don't worry, men,
I don't give you a problem

without giving you a solution.
I'd never do that to you.

Here's how you fix it.

You don't fix it.

You just ride this shit out.

That's the only way,
you gotta tie yourself to something.

Maybe sing a song of worship.
I don't think that ever hurt anything.

And just hang on, just hang on,

'cause I promise you, if you hang on...

We... Doesn't it happen, ladies?
We get exhausted.

We will spin out,
we will spin out and then...

We just... [panting]

I am feeling a little bit better.

Who wants cake?

Why does everyone look sad?
What happened?

Why's there bologna on the floor?
We still going to the movies?

Do you still wanna see a movie?

Your poor husband is in the bathtub
with the children, like...

"Yeah, we can do a movie. Sure.

Put the mattress
back on the bed, boy. Run.

Don't look at your mama. Just run."
[laughs]

Ah... So I told ya,
I am kind of in a fight...

with my guy right now.

You know why, he was supposed
to come here for this taping.

It's an important night, it's a big night.

For me it is. Maybe not for you people.
But for me, it is.

[laughs]

I think it's pretty good and...

he said I gave him the wrong date.

Now, I don't know about you.

I don't know how many of you
get an hour special.

[cheering, applause]

And I have been a comedian for 22 years

and I've had specials, but not an hour.

Not on some network like Netflix.

This is amazing for me.

I did not get
the motherfucking date wrong.

I did not give anyone the wrong date.

I must have told him the date 4000 times.

That's what I do. I am a woman.
I fucking communicate.

Then I re-communicate,
then I communicate again.

Then I double check.
Make sure I have communicated.

And I know the asshole has some, like,
trivia night thing he wants to go to

so I am, like, "I already looked
in your phone. I know what you're doing."

All right, so this is a gift
I am gonna give you

because Auntie Lynne has studied men...

very well, and I have information.

Girls, write it down.

Girls at home, write it down.

Men are simple.

You think you know this, but you don't.

They're really simple.

Like, not...
I don't mean, like, special needs.

I mean, like, not complicated.

Look at them.
I do comedy every single night

for 20-something years.

And every night I look out,
no matter where I am,

whether it's the Chicago Theater
or just some...

shithole in the back of a yoga studio,

there's always a man...
Yeah, that's right. It's a glamorous life.

There's always some man,
sitting like this.

This is not the posture
of a complicated person.

This is the posture of a Labrador.

Like, just a big dog

that wants to sit in the sun
and think sun.

That's it.
Maybe once in a while he thinks,

"My ears are really heavy." [laughs]

Right now there are men at home
and in this audience going...

"I do enjoy a nice sun patch."

OK, so here's the deal.

Men are so simple
that I can give your three things

if you want to get along with them.
It doesn't mean you have to do it.

But it means that all men
fall in these three categories,

matter to all men in the world.

I can't do this for the men
because women are complicated.

Look at purses over vaginas,
hands over vagina.

As you get older, you'll learn a purse
will not stop a really determined cock.

But...

Three things you wanna get along with men.

The first one, it's simple and old school,
but I swear it's true.

Food.

If you have food,
men will always be happy to see you.

You have food,
you know where to find food,

you smell like food.

You don't even need perfume,
that's a waste of money.

Just put some bacon behind your ears.

He won't know why.
He'll be like, "I love her.

I gotta start my day with her.
I am gonna call her pancake."

That's the first thing.

What do you think the second thing is?
There's only three.

[woman] Blowjobs.

Blowjobs. Interesting.

No. You're close.

Blowjobs, well, I am gonna put in sex.
And sex is third.

But thank you for trying.

All men... in the world...

not just New York,
not just this country, the world,

want all women to shut the fuck up.

They want it.

Right now some of them are going,
"Oh, my God, how does she know this?"

They all want it.
Not be quiet, not tone it down.

Shut the fuck up! Stop talking.

Some of you're thinking,
"No, not my meemaw and peepaw.

They've been married 50 years."

Next time, meemaw comes in and...
[mumbling]

Look in peepaw's eyes.

There's a little man
behind peepaw's eyes going,

[sotto] "Shut the fuck up."

Peepaw thinks he's never gonna ever
get to see Final Jeopardy

'cause she won't... [mumbles]

And men don't mind talking.
They don't wanna talk to us

the way we want to talk.

When we talk,
we want to get to the bottom of some shit.

Women love to get
to the bottom of shit.

I know I do. If I don't have shit to get
to the bottom of, I will create shit.

How do get to the bottom of shit?
You ask questions.

See, right now, some of the men
are looking at me, like,

"This old stripper is so chatty."

Men don't ask each other questions,
have you noticed it?

They don't. Most men
just tell each other things,

unless they are at work
or a sporting event.

Very rarely do you hear a man
ask another man questions.

You might not have noticed
because you have lives, but I don't.

Men just say things, like,
"I'm goin' to the comedy club tonight"

"Me too." "See you there." "All right."

They don't even know
if it's the same fucking show.

They don't know until they get home to her

and she starts asking
pertinent questions.

She's just sitting in there,
making dinner,

and he walks in with this
stupid little piece of information.

"I saw Tom.
He's going to the comedy club... tonight."

And she's like...
"What does that mean?

Are we going? I was making dinner.

Who's the comic?

Are we gonna eat there?
'Cause I was making something.

You know the children are home.
What are we gonna do about the children?

Are your parents in town? Or are you just
gonna tie them to the fucking radiator?

Is that your plan?"

You see, how it sounds
like we're nags, ladies.

It sounds naggy, doesn't it?

It sounds naggy, but,
men, do you see how you fuck our lives up

with your stupid information nugget?

With that dumb
little piece of information.

"Tom's going to the comedy club."
What the fuck does that mean?

She wasn't bothering anyone.
She was just making dinner.

She wasn't talking to you,
not testing you, not asking you anything,

just by herself and you came in with,
"Tom's going to the comedy..."

She just wants to know, what do you mean?

Do you know most of us
have wasted so much of our lives

just trying to figure out
what the fuck men mean

when they say some of
the dumb shit they say.

You ever get a text like this?
I've gotten a text like this,

that say, "I am thinking about
fixing... make something to eat."

I turned to a girlfriend.
"What's this mean?

Is he inviting me to eat?

'Cause I... I just finished
making my own sandwich.

Shall I call him
and invite him to make one?"

She looks at it.
"Oh, yeah, I don't know.

I don't know what this means.
I think he wants you to..."

He's already eating his sandwich.

He's already eaten his whole sandwich.
He doesn't give a shit.

Sex is third
because men can give themselves sex.

They haven't learned
how to make us shut the fuck up.

Do you understand
that is the male dilemma?

How do you have what is woman
and get it to not talk?

What is soft and beautiful,
and smells good, and don't talk?

That's why men invented oral sex

'cause it combined
two of their favorite things.

You don't think we invented it?
You think we invented blowjobs?

Job is in the title.

When we like things,
we give 'em cute names like mani-pedi.

We would call it a lickety-split.

Or a fun-suck, or something like that,
we would not... "blowjob."

Thinking about the history of women,
it doesn't makes sense.

You think some pioneer women

was churnin' butter and she was, like,

"You know what I was thinking
I might do tonight,

after I churn this here butter

and make the soap and the candles?

I was thinking, when Ezekiel gets home,

I might suck his dirty pioneer penis."

I know, it's a radical decision, I agree,
but we've escaped such hardship and...

I just feel like
it's a Christian thing to do.

Look at this.
Look at my jaw, look, I noticed this...

I don't wanna waste that.

I might as well breathe out of my nose
for four minutes

and try not to vomit on my man.
Who's with me? Let's do it.

Because I gotta tell you...
that is a thankless task.

You know, this is a PSA I am gonna do,

now that I have a national platform
to be heard... finally.

Um...

Can we do a close-up on me?

If you have...

husbands or sons, or anything,

bring them right now
to the computer or the television.

Hello.

My name is Lynne,
and I need you to know this.

This noise...

[gagging]

[gagging]

[gagging]

That's not a good noise.

You might not know me or recognize me,
but I have traveled the globe

and I have never ever seen anyone
eat chocolate cake and go...

[gagging]

Delicious.

If you had a cat and the cat was going...
[gagging]

you would not be, like,
"Oh, look, the cat's happy.

Press its face into the carpet."

I don't want to.

I am worried for the cat.
I feel like it's in duress.

"No... it loves it.

Push her face in...
Tell her, "That's a good kitty.

Eat its treat. Eat it."

If you were deaf
and you looked down,

this was all you saw...

You should stop.

There's never a reason to put a man paw

on the back of a head,

that's making a gaggy, vomity noise

and that's what that noise mean.

It means, I am going to throw up,
but I am trying not to

because I love you
and I do not want to clean right now.

It's such a double standard.

Can you imagine
if they were doing their thing on us?

And they made any kind of noise...

even the slightest just...
[soft grunt]

We'd be, like, "What happened?

Am I not fresh?
I showered right after the gym.

Come up here, I will make you a sandwich.
I am mortified."

We'd be calling our girlfriends,
"And then he, like, choked or something."

We'd have wet wipes
in our purse all the time.

"Hold on a minute, I gotta shower again."

It's such a double standard.

OK, how do we make it change?

That's gonna take all of us.

All of us.

The whole world.

Everybody, we can do it.
Now that I have this platform,

we can do it.

Now, I don't care how old you are.

I don't care how young you are.

Next time your man's making a noise,
I want you to say,

"I am sorry. You started this.

Now you're gonna finish it."

And then you lock him in.

You lock him in.

You lock him.

If you can wrap your leg around his head,
God bless you. You do that.

But if you can't, you just hold on.

When he realizes he's there,
it'll take a second for him to realize

he's there against his will,
and when he realizes it,

trust me, I have done this,

he's gonna fight you
like a ferret in a bag.

But you just hold on.
Don't let go. Don't let go.

If he takes you to floor,
you just keep holding on,

just lock him in like you are
squeezing a walnut for Jesus.

Just keep him in there.
Just keep yelling at him,

"I am sorry, you started it. I'll let
you out when you are done. Get done."

Now, when he's done, jump out of the way
'cause he's gonna come up

spitting and twitching
like a crazy man, like,

"You crazy bitch,
you covered up my nose holes.

I couldn't breathe.

You had your thighs over my ears.
It was like white noise.

I think you chipped my tooth.
You are crazy."

And then you just look him
right in the face and go,

"You know you love it."

[applause]

So I accidentally gained, like,
40 pounds last year.

I went shopping, though,

'cause I decided I wanted
to try and look nice

and I went shopping and...

'Cause now I finally have a little
bit of money and I've put some weight on

and I figured, whatever...

You know there's a point where you decide
I am not gonna diet anymore.

I am just gonna buy clothes for this.

So...

I go into SoHo, into a...

skinny white girl's store in SoHo.
Like, really skinny, attitude.

She looked like an Avatar,
like everything...

And when she saw me,
she looked me up and down, which I hate,

and then she said,
"Can I help you?"

Like, she wasn't sure she could.

Like, maybe I was looking
for a meatball kiosk

and I accidentally wandered
into this fancy t-shirt store

on Prince Street.

I don't want a lot. I knew what I wanted.
I am a very self-assured woman.

I said I want something where I can
pull the bra out of the sleeve.

I need to sleep in it, I need to wake up,

I need to get the bra back on
without taking the shirt slash nighty off.

It'd be nice if it was
flame retardant and gravy resistant,

but that's not a deal-breaker.

With the same douchey attitude,
she's, like, "We don't have that."

I was, like, "Oh, you don't?

You might wanna look for it.

You work here, peasant."

That's how they think
'cause my mother told me that.

'Cause she was really tan too.

Back in the day, you know,
you are tan and really super skinny,

you're a field worker.

I mean, I look a little thin right now
'cause I am wearing, like, tan wipes.

Like, I put...

This isn't real. I can wash,
scrub this off, and I am alabaster.

Yeah. Go to a museum.

You see, my body is the regal one,

that's got pugs sitting all over it,
just eating grapes...

and make me feel bad about myself

So I called my friend Linda,
who's a woman of color. She's wonderful.

And Linda said,
"Why do you do this to yourself?

I told you these clothes don't own you,
you own the clothes.

Get out of these skinny white girl stores
and go uptown to 126th Street,"

which is Harlem,
for those of you who don't know.

And I went into...
Had the best experience of my whole life.

I went into
the Confident Black Girl Store.

And I learned a lot. For example,

if you can get it on, it fits.

And they took me into the room,

and they will literally send the bitch
into the dressing room with you.

They had me like this. I've never been
in a dressing room like this.

They had me like this,
with the knee in my back going,

"Suck it in, girl. Suck it in."

I was, like, "I am a white lady.
I don't struggle like this.

I don't know how to do this."

They had a woman on the premises
that was a, like, a...

she helped with foundation garments.

And she was an older woman.

And she had all Jesus posters
and stuff in her little nook.

And she said, "Come in here."

She said, "That bra doesn't fit right."

It's like a 38 double D,
and that's big.

She goes, "Let me fit you."

The way she fit me was just kinda, like,
hugged me, which was...

odd, but OK, you know, whatever.

You know, it's nice to be touched.
[laughs]

And then she said...
came back with this bra, no lie,

she goes, "Here." It was a 40F.

F, like Frank.

And I said this is really big.

I put my head in it, by the way.

So I said it's really big.
She goes, "Don't worry."

And she had me lean over
and she put the bra on,

like she's pulling and pushing,
and shoving, there's one in the back,

they're doing stuff.
I stood up, I was, like...

"My God, am I wrong
or is my waist smaller?

She goes, "I put it in the bra."

I just loved that. I gave her,
the confident black lady,

the same criteria I gave the avatar.

And she said,
without even blinking,

"You want it in snake or leopard?"

I am getting warm.

I need my fan. I love this.

Isn't this great?

It's like a fan and a merkin.

I am not a mom.

I have nice things to say to children.

It weirds people out.
I had a woman come up to me

after a show one night and she was, like,

"I couldn't be in my 40s and not have
children. I'd feel really selfish."

Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah. Well, sometimes I do feel selfish,

then I wake up at noon
and look at all my nice shit.

Takes the sting out,

'cause I have sisters and friends
and I know...

I know that it's hard to keep
your shit nice now with millennials

'cause you can't hit 'em.
You just gotta try and talk, like,

"Please, we wanna keep it. Don't hurt it."
"OK."

And...

My sister, she gets up at 6 a.m.

and just drives ungrateful people
around all day.

Like a sad Uber Pool driver

And I've seen her try to even
get in on their conversation, like,

"That sounds like fun,"
and they are like...

Like, you're never
going to get a good rating.

Here's the best thing about New York City.

If you're... for the people at home,
and all of you who are tourists,

I have to say
one of the best things about the city.

Not all the things you think,
not all the touristy things.

If somebo... Well, two things.

One. You can say "fuck"
as much as you want.

You can say "fuck" to anyone.

You see an old lady. "Hey, excuse me,
Get the fuck, I gotta..."

She can be, like, 90.

She'll turn around and go,
"My fucking bad. Sorry."

Everybody, with a walker.
"My fucking bad..."

That's one thing... Um...

The other thing is...

If somebody says,
"Do you wanna see pictures of my kids?"

Or they tell you about kids,
"I have kids."

You are allowed in New York...
right to their face, you can go...

Ugh!

Why?

It's a great city. [mumbles]

Don't they fuck it up?
Like, how do you have fun?

Someone says, "You wanna see
a picture of my child?" "No, thank you."

You don't even think about it.
"No, not interested. I've seen children.

You got a dog?
Yeah, I'll look at that. Sure.

[laughs] It's a pug dressed as a pumpkin.
That's funny.

Kid. Ugh! Kid. Ugh!

Take it back."

I was just at my sister's house.
My sister has three children.

Three girls. A big one,
a middle one and the best one.

Smallest one. She's so beautiful.
She's seven. She's great.

The big one is the worst one.
Used to be the best one, now she is...

I don't know what to do about it.

My sister told...
it was 2:00 in the afternoon

and she had to study for PSATs or
something but it was, like, a Saturday.

My sister said,
"You got to get out of bed."

And I am in the room.

My niece looks at her,
right to her face and goes, "No."

Should I lock the door?

My niece says to my sister,
"I am not getting out of bed.

There's no reason
I can't study right here.

Why don't you just leave me alone?"

I felt like the scene from Goodfellas,
when Pesci shoots...

Spider?

I am, like, "You're gonna let her
talk to you like that?

You're gonna let that happen?
You need to fuck her up.

[laughs]

Fucking shoot her, hit her, do something.

Let's hang her out the window.
Let's hang her out the fucking window."

What... I mean,
I couldn't just believe that kid.

Un-fucking-believable!

I couldn't believe
we weren't doing anything.

My sister's, like,
"There's nothing we could do."

I am, like, "We can fucking pop her.

Just hit her, I am on TV,
no one's gonna believe her."

I told her, I am, like, "If you
were my daughter, I'd hit you so much,

every time I looked at you, you'd flinch.

That's what a dick you're being."

This is what she says to me:

"No, you wouldn't. You'd go to jail."

[laughs]

I am not scared of jail, lil' bitch.

That's my retirement plan.

I wanna spend my last days in jail
or a mental hospital.

Either way, I am braiding hair
and doing crafts. Call the po-po.

I have a 15-year-old dog
and my mother is 70.

Listen, I've figured, in about 20 years,

I'm gonna be living pretty free
and loose with the law.

I have a very dark bucket list.

And I suggest everybody get one.

It's fun to just come up with shit
you want to do when you are, like,

85 and just ready to fuck shit up.

It starts... My list starts
with things that are like

open-hand slapping people in CVS.

"You don't have my arthritis medication?"

And then it gets even darker and darker.

Like, I think I have...
I won't bore you with the whole thing,

but I do have things on there,
like I take a turkey baster,

like, that's full of...

hand lotion and I just
go to pro-lifers' houses and just...

squirt it on 'em and scream, like,
"I'll spill my seed wherever I want."

Just stuff like that.

Anyway, I'm a good aunt
and I do love my nieces very much

and I feel like my job is coming up now

because the big one's
about to go off to college

and I am gonna matter...

a lot to her... because my sister...

Mothers are great.
But most mothers are kind of soft.

Most really good moms
got a little softness to 'em,

that's why they are good moms.
Like, my sister...

She's great for picking out colleges

and helping you make
good choices on friends to pick,

getting you motivated, telling you
get out of bed and getting over guys.

She's great at all that.
She doesn't... I know her.

She's had sex with three people
that I know of. Maybe four.

That's like a Wednesday for me.

And I keep telling that big,
ungrateful one, I'm like,

you're gonna need me.
Like, I am important.

Your mom doesn't know
how to put a condom on in the dark.

She doesn't know where
to buy a roofie kit.

I bought a roofie kit.
I bought a roofie detecting kit for her.

I gave this to her. I am, like,
I have showed her how to use it.

That is fucking thoughtful.

That's something you're gonna use
out here in the world, a roofie kit.

She says to me,
"Aunt Lynne, have you been roofied?"

Probably.

I mean, I don't know that I have
or have not.

I mean... You make it to 49 and...

I fucked a clown once, kid.
You know, like... [laughs]

I don't want you to do what I did.
That's why I bought you the kit.

I don't want you to wake up and see the
noses on the dresser like I had to see.

The big shoes on the Bowflex...
You don't want that life.

I made mistakes so you don't have to

I mean, I don't know
if I have been roofied, but...

I have definitely seen men
in a club looking at me

the way I'd expect them to look at a rhino
they just shot a few tranq darts into.

"When's this thing going down?"

Listen, it's wrong.

You know, the whole Cosby thing?
It's definitely wrong

to do that to somebody.

Absolutely. I mean, you can't...
It's undeniable.

But, personally, if you wanna
have sex with me unconscious, no problem.

Just let me know. I'd prefer it that way.

[laughs] Just don't get anything
in my hair and don't wake me, OK?

Don't get anything in my hair.

That's such bad sex etiquette
to jizz up someone's hair.

Listen to me.

Let me tell you.

And I hate when they act like
it was an accident.

Like, their penis is some
runaway garden hose, like...

"I don't know what happened."
You don't know what happened?

Listen, you're fine
when you're jerkin' off.

You don't walk around with an eye-patch
'cause you had an accident.

You're gonna look at me...
Seriously, are you kidding me?

You're only gonna do it to me once.

I swear, you'll fuck me
for the rest of the relationship

with the shower cap on my head.

[laughs] I am gonna be
in a full hazmat suit.

Go ahead, Pollock, paint the place.
Knock yourself out.

I live... in Greenwich Village,

and that's on NYU campus.

I live right there, so...

I have been recently
infested with millennials. And, um...

Don't get me wrong.

I am a sister and I am proud
of their... enthusiasm.

[laughs] Yeah,
I feel it the way I said it.

I don't understand
why at 7:30 in the morning...

and it was 7:30 in the morning.

There were four girls on my corner...

in a megaphone...
No lie, I would not lie...

saying, "Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.

Be proud of your pussy.

Don't be scared to say 'pussy.'

Be proud of your pussy. Pussy."

It was the most annoying alarm clock ever.

And I am laying there and thinking,
all right, I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do, God,
because I don't wanna discourage them.

I see what they are trying to do, but they
are doing it in such a stupid manner.

And they have the hats on
and everything. I got it.

Yeah, you're feminist.
That's great.

But I have to say, I opened the window

and I tried so hard. I just said,

"Excuse me, can you please take your
annoying pussies somewhere else?"

Because for those of you who don't know,

Greenwich Village is traditionally
very avant-garde.

We are not frightened of that word
in any way, shape or form.

There are lot of men
in Greenwich Village right now

saving to buy their own pussy.

[applause]

So, I told the girls. I am, like,
"Look, I am on to you, girls.

I get it, you're in front of your dorm.
You don't wanna go far.

But this... You're not doing
any kind of change here. OK?

I don't wanna be a cunt,
but get on your Citi Bikes

with your little shaved millennial badges
and drive uptown somewhere.

Go to, like, Kellyanne Conway.
Where's she?

She needs you to scream 'pussy' at her.

She's never seen it. Give her a mirror."

I don't even know where you'd go.
I don't know where she lives.

Probably in a van outside
wherever Trump is.

Wherever she is, go to her.

Or just don't scream it.

Don't scream it.

Can we get the same point across
by saying nicely, like,

maybe people come out of Starbucks, like,
"Enjoy your macchiato. Pussy.

Be proud of pussy." [laughs]

Can we have a rule, feminists?

Can we have a rule, like, we just
don't scream "pussy" into a megaphone

before 11:00?

I will even meet you if just keep it...

not before 11:00.

Let me get some coffee.

I have a new millennial friend,
I guess.

She's sweet. She lives in my building.
She, like, 21 years old and...

I didn't make friends with her.
She made friends with me.

She saw me do stand-up
and then she comes over once a week,

and asks my advice and I...
As you can see, I enjoy my voice.

And, um...

It's kind of like Tuesdays with Whore-y.
Like, I tell her stuff that's...

And she is a virgin too, which is kind
of cool. I think it's why I like her.

'Cause I feel, like, there's so much
wisdom to give her. I really feel, like,

"Listen, kid,
I am a hooker with a heart of gold."

But... [laughs]

But, every now and then,

because these millennials
are so incredibly, um...

What's the word?
Just dramatic, you know, so...

I can't... So dramatic.

Oh, my God, you have no idea
how good that feels.

Oh, my God, both of my breasts are, like,
"Thank you so much."

I don't care, but look...

You just looked at me, like, "Oh, my God,
it's gonna look like pee." Really?

That's real pee probably.

So my new millennial friend,
she's so dramatic.

No lie, she calls me up this week,

"I am thinking about killing myself."

Call me when you know
what you're gonna do.

I don't wanna be a jerk, but really?

I could hear Friends
playing in the background.

Are you kidding me?
Like, "I am thinking about..."

We are living in New York City. Who isn't
thinking about killing themselves?

I'm gonna hang up with you
and think about killing myself.

Like, thinking about it and doing...

Call me when the gun's loaded.
Are you fucking crazy?

I am gonna go home, though,
after the set.

I live right... I told you
I live in Greenwich Village and I live...

on Sullivan Street,
between Bleecker and Houston.

I usually... This is where
I usually give my real address,

but Netflix said that was, um...

a problem.

The reason I don't mind doing it is that
I feel, like, it's gangster, first of all.

Because there's nothing...

This is a good lesson
for young woman too, like,

there's nothing I am not prepared for.

How do you live alone in New York
for 22 years and not be prepared?

I am prepared for anything and everything.

No, you can't rape me.
I will kiss you on the mouth.

How're you gonna rape that?
You think I don't have a rape plan?

That's the worst predator on the planet
next to a pedophile or polar bear,

and I have plans for them too.

Fuck a rapist.

You crawl in' my window,
you are crawlin' out

half the rapist you were
when you crawled in.

I will rape you.
I will rape your rape.

I will mouth-kiss you. Listen...

The minute I hear the window open, OK?

I am gonna be, like, game on.

I don't work during the day.
I have nothing but time

to sit around and think,
how will I turn the tables on a rapist?

When I was in my 20s,
I used to lay in bed.

This is true,
I'd lay in bed and I would think about,

what would my wedding look like?

Will I have bridesmaids?
You know, all that crap.

Then in my 30s, it changed.

I would do my Oscar speech in my 30s.

Like, who will I thank
when I win the Oscar?

Now, I spent the better part of my 40s,
right before I fall asleep, thinking,

how will I turn the tables on a rapist?

And I have gotten to what I think
is a very good plan.

I am gonna mouth-kiss him.

I'd whisper, like,
[whispers] "I love you.

I love you so much."

And try look in his eyes and shit.

I hold him. I'd hold a rapist

I'd just hold him, just like...

just grab him and hold...
He's never been held, not like this.

Just hold him and... shh...

"I got you.

I am gonna keep you."

I'd put a little baby-kisses
on his rapey hands like this.

I'd do it real soft so that he can
feel the tenderness through the gloves.

We don't need a condom.
I don't think I can even get pregnant.

We're good.
"I am your girlfriend now."

I am not sure that would scare a rapist,
but it really terrifies regular men

so I think it will work.

Thank you. Make your choices.

- Turn on the fans.
- [cheering, applause]

- [music plays]
- Whoo!

Hold on. Jen?

I need help 'cause I...
If I get down to get this, that's it.

This girl is young,
she does not need full

girdle snatch right at her...

You will learn.

No need to hit you
with that reality tonight.

[woman] One sec, we're gonna sweep
the petals real quick.

OK.

You know, weirdly enough,
I hear that a lot.

Sometimes I hold them in my vagina
just so that I can walk through the city

and just have petals drop out of me.

Oh, the looks...

[laughs]

And then when they look,
I go, "Smells like roses."