L'uomo, la bestia e la virtù (1953) - full transcript

MAN

INTERPRETED BY

BEAST

INTERPRETED BY

VIRTUE

INTERPRETED BY

MAN, BEAST AND VIRTUE

Professor!
- What is it?

Professor, you forgot you bag.
- Throw it right down.

I can?t, there?s the fountain pen.
It might break.

Obey me!
- Fine!



Donna Ros?!
- Eh?

What?s with the professor this morning?
Bitten by a tarantula?

Professor, Professor,
I remembered that song's melody.

Melody! I'm late for school.

Eh! No one has been able
to talk to you for 3 days!

Did the bell ring? - You bet.
The headmaster heard it too.

Professor!
- Good morning, Headmaster.

I'm so sorry. Sorry for being late.
You know how it is...

Morning, Sir.
- Professor, stop. - Yes?

For 3 days, you've been arriving,

indeed to be exact,
3 quarters of an hour late. - True.

The other day you woke up
with a flooded house.

Yesterday, you couldn't
get the cat out of the bed.

True.
- And what is it today?



The thing... whatchmacallit...?

...who does the stuff around the house?

You mean the maid?
- The maid.

How did you know? - Lucky guess.
Go on. What did she do?

It was like this... and at her age too.

At her age, you see?
- No, I don?t. What do you mean?

What? She did the thingie with... with

She did the thingie with...
the Ba...Ba...not the barbecue... the...

Barbiturates? - Barbiturates!
- She poisoned herself?

Yes, Sir.
- Ah, for love, I suppose?

No, no, no.
- No?

She did it but not for love.
- And she's dead? - Yes.

Dead? - No.
No? - I got there just in time.

Enough!

You must take care to arrive on time!

Just school!

Instead you?ve been late
for the last 3 days!

Hurry up! Quick!

And where are you going?
- To class, Headmaster.

Ah, yes?
- Nice time to come to school, eh?

A quarter and a half after the bell!

You know time at school is sacred?
- Professor, Professor...

Allow me.
- Leave to me the question of tardiness!

I did it for discipline.
- That's my concern.

Meanwhile, Mr. Perella, go home, eh?
And come back with your mom.

But mom already knows that I came late.

I've been doing the chores for 3 days
'cause she's sick. - That's enough!

Go home and get your mother!
Got it? Go on! - Move it!

What's been going on in this village
for the last 3 days? Is everybody sick?

Dear headmaster, for 3 days such
things have been happening that...ooh!

Don't make me say!
- What do you mean? - Mean?

That boy feels his father's absence.
- Really?

Oh. yes! Yes, dear headmaster!

He's been away from his family for months!

Doing whatever the hell he likes!
Get me?

But you can only do so up to a certain
point, dear professor. - Oh, no!

The child's father is Perella, no?
- So?

The captain of the steamship Segesta?
- So?

How can you speak like that
of one who sails to feed his family?

His family? But let it go.
- Exactly. Let the captain go too.

I agree: let it go.

And Captain Perella too.
- No, I say, let it go.

Will you talk to me, please? Let it go with
Captain Perella who's no concern of ours!

You return to class now.

And don?t forget to remind your students

that they all must bring their
notebooks without exception!

Today there are only 2!

Notebooks?
- Yes.

Notebooks.
- Notebooks.

The notebook! Excuse me so much,
Headmaster, I?ll be right there.

Professor! - I?m going!
- Professor, professor!

Non?, Non?, Non?!

Non?, what are you doing here?
- Buying cotton candy.

I bet you came to school
without your notebook, eh?

No, Sir, I have it. Here it is.
- Give it to me.

Very serious situation,
my husband arrives tonight...

At 3 o'clock at your house.
Assunta

Professor, my notebook!

Thanks.

You're still doing that?
You're cleaning up and it's almost 3!

I'm expecting a very important visit!

A private lesson!
- What?s going on?

You don?t sleep, don?t eat,
you?re always agitated!

May I know who?s coming?
- Coming? Who should come?

A fever's coming! I'm getting a fever!
Go in the kitchen! Obey me! Hurry!

I'm going! - If anybody rings,
don?t open it. I?ll do it myself, got it?

Calm down!
- Go, go!

Damn my luck!

If I were born a wretch,
I wouldn?t need a housekeeper.

Oh, why was I born a professor?
Down with they who rule!

What time is it?
What... what time is it?

This one's stopped.
This one is stopped too.

What the heck?

Donna Assunta, please, what time is it?

Almost 3, Professor.
- Almost 3?

Expecting anybody?
- That's my business.

I expect whomever I like. Good day.

Ugh! They always got their eyes on you!

And they watch everything you do.

That?s her.
- Professor!

Who is it?
- Professor!

Professor!
- What is it? - Professor...

I wanted to learn that tune,
you know the one that goes...

What tune?
- The one the pharmacist likes!

How should I know what he likes?
What do I know about tunes?

Their eyes are always on you like owls!

For God's sake!

That?s her. Yes, it's her.

I said I would open the door!
- Fine! You do it!

Good morning, Professor.
- You? What do you want?

What do we want?
- Our lesson, eh!

Ah, right, I forgot.
However today I have no time. Go away!

If it were up to us...
So I can tell papa it was you...?

I see. Let's go in.

For what your parents
pay me for these lessons...!

200 lire an hour.
200 lire an hour.

Your parents rent out knowledge
like they rent a car or a taxi!

Come on, sit down. - Thank you, Professor.
- "Thank you, Professor."

Shame on you!
- Why? - For your hypocrisy.

Then we would hafta tell you to go to hell,
Sir. - I'd prefer it. Man must be loyal.

You with these faces...
what could you understand? - Yeah.

What? What?
What? Young man...!

Young man, today is my day!

Nobody knows that today is my day!

Let it become public knowledge!
Let it be said today

that today is my day!
Got it?

Proceed!
What have you brought today?

Italian and the Odyssey summary.

Odyssey! Go on, let's read
this summary of the Odyssey.

There.

"Homer's Odyssey 'arates' the adventures..."

'Arates'? Homer's Odyssey 'arates'?
Narrates!

I missed an r.
- You?re missing everything.

You're missing a brain!
Only your nose is growing!

'Arates'!
Proceed.

"The adventures of Ulysses,
warrior and navigator,"

"when the Trojan war ended,
he sailed for several years"

"to reach his native isle Ithaca
and his wife Penelope." - Good.

"This cunning and valiant Greek hero..."

"This cunning and valiant hero!"

Cunning and valiant hero?
Ulysses was a pig!

But Homer?
- Him too!

Let's finish this for once
and tell the whole truth!

We say ?pig? to who is pig!
We go whole hog!

Please tell me who told
Mr Ulysses from Ithacrap

to be a navigator,
abandoning his wife and son,

and stay away for so many years?
Tell me!

I think...
- Silence! Silence!

And while that poor Penelope,
left alone at home,

must fight and suffer to defend herself
from the tricks of a 1000 pigs,

what did Mr Ulysses do?

Oh, God! It would be a pleasure
to know what Mr Ulysses did!

Sailed on!
That's right, sailed on!

Let's finish this!

We could all sail away
during tough family times!

I?ll give you a slap! You too!

Penelope. - Who?
- Pe... pe... pe...

Aunt Penelope! Boys, I'm expecting people.
You can?t stay here, go.

We always study here!
- And now you can?t! Genteel people! Up!

Take this book, vocabulary.
You must do the translation.

But today isn't...
- I translate every day!

"Toujours, je traduc toujours."
Move it! Move it!

One more step and you're there.

Rosaria, don't open it! I'll go! Go on!

"Don't open it! Don't open it!",
he insists!

Don't go and open it, understand?
- Please! - Please, put it off!

Good day.

What do you want?
- Is Professor Lo Vico at home?

I'd like to speak to him.

I said I was going to open it!
- But...

Go away. Good day, Ma?am, please come in.

Come in.

Good day, Professor,
have we come for being late?

The headmaster's right,
dear Non?, you were late.

Please, come in.
You go close the door!

I'd like to know just who this visitor is!

Secret visits.
But what are these mysteries?

Rosaria, Rosaria! - Yes, Professor?
- What are you doing there?

Nothing. - Then close the curtain,
I've business! - OK. - Hurry!

Crazy stuff!

Oh, the globe!
- Yes.

Yes, Non? dear, look at the globe.
Make it spin, eh!

Here is the whole world even the sea.

Now then, tell me what happened.
What?s the matter?

How you express yourself!

No, I wanted to know.
Yes? No?

Yes? Yes!

Yes...
- Professor, Professor!

What is it?
- Look how nice it is!

The sea is everywhere.
- Yes, Sir.

There is 3 times more water than land.

Professor!
- What is it?

Do you know that I was at the port?
- To see the boats?

No, to ask when papa arrives.

I haven?t seen him for 5 months.

And now?

And there is no doubt?
- None.

The same symptoms like Non?s.

Damn! That?s all we needed!

But be honest with me, are you sure?

And I'm very afraid
my husband will find out.

Your husband? Why?

Because of my craving.
- Craving? What craving?

My craving for champagne.
- Champagne?

But this is crazy!

How does one crave champagne?
- You know I only drink water.

But when I'm like that,
I've a great craving for it.

Champagne! Champagne!
But this is just incredible!

You can?t imagine what days
we spent when I was expecting Non?.

But with so many cravings on the market,
you had to crave this craving?

It is fate.
- Don?t give me no fates!

Oh God, what is it? - There it is.
- Oh God, what? - There.

You scare me. - Just talking about it
makes it come. - A craving for a craving?

And where could I find
champagne at this hour?

Would something half fizzy do?

The one with the ball... is good.

A coca cola!

It's good and American.
Made in the USA.

They all drink it.

Professor!

Someone's there! Is this a trap?
- What traps? They?re 2 students.

2 students?
- Retarded but students.

Eh?
- Professor, a candle!

We can?t see a thing!

We can?t decipher the letters
in the dictionary.

You don?t need to see the letters!

Smart people feel the letters! Got it?

Retards. - What are they doing here?
You're crazy. You want to ruin me!

But no, no!
My darling, don?t worry. Trust me.

Do you trust me, eh?
- No. - That's what I said.

Professor, a lamp!
- I?ll bring it immediately!

Who?s there?
- Dunno.

Let's just see.
- Eh!

Get down, get down!
There?s the professor.

Here?s the lamp.

For you.

Make use of it and study because
the time is not yet over.

Got it?
Where is she? Where is she?

Perella!
Who?s that?

But who?s that?
What a fright!

They saw me.
- Who?

The retards!
- They understand nothing!

I'm lost! - Oh, no!
- What do I do? - Nothing!

No! Oh God, here she goes again!
No! Perella!

Translate! Translate! Easy to say!
- What kind of light did that idiot give us?

And when I go home today,
papa's going to hear it. Crazy stuff!

You don?t understand!
What if it comes when he's there?

I do understand but try to be strong.
Make an effort.

Oh, I can't!
- Willpower!

Oh, God! - There it is!
- It's back?

Do this, do this!
No, harder. Harder.

No... no... - Professor!
- What?

I?m coming.
Like this, for heaven's sake. What?

It says here Vercingetorix
laid the horn on his right side.

Is side is ablative or dative?
- Ablative! Ablative! Wretches!

Side in Latin is translated as cornus!
Of the fourth conjugation.

Cornus, cornu.
Plural of cornibus.

Cornorum, cor..co... co...
(sound like cornuto - cuckold)

Do you think it's in good
taste to go on like that?

You're right. Sorry.

And you don't talk about in my house...!

And translate, got it?
You keep doing this.

Professor, what's all that yelling?
- Nothing. Go away. Close the curtain.

And mind your own business!
Nosy! Always sticking her nose in!

No, you're crazy!

The shame! The shame!
- Calm down, calm down!

The point is you're a student's mother.
Excuse me.

Then why did you come?
I just come from there, no?

But the Segesta arrives today at 5.
Don?t you see? - At 5? - Yes.

And when does it depart?
- Tomorrow. - Tomorrow?

You're saying your husband will spend
the night here? Then we're safe!

Of course! We're saved!
Between a husband and his wife...

Yes, I know, I understand.
I can imagine how sad that makes you.

But what can you do?
I'd do it for you.

We have no other...
no other way.

You mustn't count on that, Paolo.
- No, no, I do.

And how I count on it!
I can't stop counting!

No?
- No. - No?

So that means
between you and your husband...

Oh, God!

Between him and me, nothing.
After the birth of Non?.

Fine.

You don't think I make you do that?

No, no! But let me at least note that
this man behaves in an unworthy way.

What kind of husband do you have?
Is he a husband?

No.
- Well then?

Is it possible that... there's...
really nothing?

Eh, yes.
- No hope?

But then we are done for!
We are done for!

And how!

I don't understand.
Not even... nothing!

Professor!

Professor!
- What is it?

Who called you, eh?
What do you want?

They brought this package.
- Who?

Mr. Saro sent it.
- Who is this Saro, eh?

The pharmacist!
The doctor?s brother.

The doctor!

It's the bottle of the drops.
He says he forgot at the pharmacy.

I'll put it here.

But what's the matter with you?
I don?t understand.

All right?

When does your husband leave?
Tomorrow?

Yes.
- For how long?

6 months.
- 6 months?

Yes.
- 6 for 8... 105.

Yes!
It adds up.

There is no other remedy.

The doctor! Yes.
He'll know what to do.

What could he do?

Oh, Paolino!
You scare me when you start thinking.

You have an idea.
- Not yet. But...

Dr. Poeo is a friend of mine.
He?s like my brother.

He?s a man full of initiative.
I'll go to him and he?ll help me.

Can he help you with me?
- Surely, let me try.

At the point where we're at...

The intervention of a doctor
always fixes such cases.

But you will compromise me!
- Really? Then you want to die.

If a scandal breaks out and that beast
of a husband finds out, he?ll choke us!

Eh, yes, on account of my skin...
I don?t want to put it off.

Ah, I know, Paolino, it's frightening.
But your idea is even more so.

Ah!
- Ah, the Segesta arrives at 5.

I got a craving and you got an idea:
All the misfortunes at once!

But calm down, calm down!

Follow my lead.
You see how calm I am.

See, if I were trembling,
see I'm all... I'm not.

Now go home.

I?ll go to the pharmacy to look
for the doctor. - No! - Yes!

I'm going to look for him.
I hope he gets here before the ship.

And tonight I'll be
at supper with you like usual.

Look me in the eyes!
Go!

Go, go!

Professor!
- Open up!

Professor, open up!
- Open! - It's hot!

Ah, right.
I forgot about the retards.

We can?t breathe anymore!
- Open up!

Breathe through your nose!

Go now.
Goodbye, Ma?am!

Don?t worry.
We'll meet again tonight at the house.

Be brave. Brave!

Brave! - Professor!
- Coming! Brave.

Open up!
- Professor, we can?t take it anymore!

All this over a little smoke!

Silence!
How brave! Over a bit of smoke!

This is bullying!
- Your light has suffocated us!

I couldn?t see, you know?
- We?ll tell our parents!

Get out, out!

And tell your parents for what
they pay me, I already had enough!

You are ignorant, retards, the...!

No, no, no, no,
the 7th done, the chord in 3rd.

Don Maciste, I?ve been waiting a half hour.
- OK, have some patience, you'll be served.

My son is home sick, alone,
and I'm here listening to a concert!

This is not a pharmacy.
It?s a singing school!

Fa, la, re!
- Hey, Paganini!

Your doctor brother, when does he return?
- He went to get the sick list.

Pharmacist, my son is sick!
- Ma'am, we're all sick.

Everybody! The whole world is sick!

I could die any moment!

Help! Help!

Patience, Ma?am.
Don?t scream, Ma'am, don?t scream!

Blood everywhere! See, Ma?am,
there's nothing you can do.

There are more serious injuries! Go now.

Go now with God's help. Go.

Go away! Ah!

Marian?, what?s the matter?
- The matter is that I feel bad.

You feel bad? - Yes.
- Here, drink a sip of water.

Drink a sip of water, a sip of water!

There, tell me what it was.

What it was?

It was that you men should be locked up

between bars like wild beasts!
They should lock you up!

What happened?
- You see that woman?

That woman is a saint,
they could put her on the altar!

Yet her husband thinks she betrayed him!
Look what he did her to this morning!

Her husband? - Yes, her husband!
Returning with the boat to the harbor.

Returning to the harbor...

Oh. my God, I feel sick.
- Professor, what?s with you?

A drink of water.

Professor!
- I feel sick too. - Give it to me.

He's crazy! Crazy!
- Don?t go on so!

No, no, no, no!
Fa, la, re, fa, la, re!

Just like that.

Excuse me, that lady?s husband
is Gennaro, called ?Dog's Nose?

Yes, Sir. - The sailor?
- Yes, Sir, the sailor.

Who does such things? Sailors!

Because they're pigs,
they think their wives stink!

Look what he has reduced that
poor woman to! Just look!

La, re, la...

Shut up!
You'll make me miss the notes.

Professor, I'm not just saying this,
but the women in this town, excluding me,

are pure as drinking water, so pure!

While the men...
- Men?

Ehhh, the men!
- What is it?

Let's forget it, Professor.
Forget it.

For example, look at that
woman's husband there.

He has come to me at least 20 times.

20 times he found the door
slammed in his face like that!

Because, professor, I go with everyone, eh!

But never with my neighbors?
husbands! Never, absolutely never!

Good, it's to your credit, good.

Yes, it is!
And that scoundrel there,

when I went to keep him from his wife,
look what he did!

Ay!
- A bite, yes a bite!

Look, their teeth are like sharks!
Stay away from them! Take if from me.

Stay away, Professor! - You're so right,
my girl. Keep away from sailors!

Dear Doctor!
- Hey, Hi Paolino.

I?ve been waiting a half an hour for you.
- Me? Excuse me one moment. Saro!

What is it? - Are all the calls here?
- Yes. - OK.

Stuff and nonsense.
- Nonsense? These people are sick!

Probably all little colds. - What is it?
- I must speak to you urgently.

Yeah, I see.
You?ve invented another disease.

No, it's serious, very much.
- You're as healthy as a fish!

It's not about fish or illness.

It's about a thing...
- I get it, we'll talk tonight.

No, be patient.
- Tonight after the visits. I've no time!

But this is a matter of tragedy...
- I said I can?t! - Listen...

Don?t insist, I can?t.
- Will you listen?

Come here.
Listen to me!

Nino, Nino, Nino!
- I'm here.

A monstrous thing.
Two houses: one here and one in Naples.

Captain Perella, eh!

He really must be lucky!

Eh, with this housing crisis
two houses make a nice return.

Nino, Nino!
- Nino!

Shut up, don?t yell, don?t yell.

Why do you play dumb?
Two families: one legal and one illegal.

Right, 'cause Perella taking advantage
of his situation as captain of the Marina,

has created two little families.

Don't these things seem shocking?
Like the Turks! Like the Turks!

There. - No.
- No?

No...! Yes...! Fine! Probably like the Turks.
- Probably? They are!

Nino!
- I have my patients!

Listen to me! Listen to me!
- Yes, I?m listening.

Do you know what Captain
Perella gets up to? - No!

I'll tell you.

Whenever he lands,
the rare, very rare times he lands,

he looks for any reason
to bicker with his wife.

Goes to sleep alone, shuts himself in a
room and bars the door with a big pole.

In the morning, he leaves
and if you see him, you're lucky.

You understand?
- But no!

What are you telling me?
- Go to heaven!

But how?

He comes back after a long time,
closes with a pole...

When he does.

And the next morning...
- You think it's funny?

Well, of course it is.
Excuse me, a, a...

But, tell me,
how do you know these things?

Right, how do I know, eh?
How do I know? I know.

I know.
- Yes, yes, but how?

In my role as a pedagogue.
- Eh?

Yes, because I?ve been giving
lessons to Perella?s son for a year.

Ah! In your role as a pedagogue, eh?

You could've said so from the first, no?

Excuse me, but I'm there.
- No, don?t leave me that way.

Listen.
- What a day, what a day!

Listen to me! You must help me.

Help, help save this poor woman!
I have my patients! - Let the sick be!

One more sick, one less dead, it's all
the same, no? - What do you mean?

You must help me save this
poor woman from the precipice.

What precipice?
- You don?t understand? - No!

You're really thick, you know?
- Who's there?

It's the doctor.
- The doctor.

No, I don't understand. - This poor
woman is left alone by her husband

and now she finds herself...
Got it now? Eh?

Ah! - Eh!
- And you want me to help you?

You're a friend and a doctor.
- Really?

But this is penal code territory.
You understand?

And they who get involved
face a penalty from 3 to 6 years!

You misunderstood!
- 3 to 6! - I didn?t mean that!

Doctor, hurry!
- Hello, Donna Amedea.

How bad he is, Doctor!
- He?s bad enough.

He?s 75 and doesn?t know us anymore.

Don?t worry, now we'll see.

Hi, Professor.
- I'm with the doctor.

Please, take a seat. You're the master.

Hurry, doctor, hurry,
for heaven's sake, he?s bad!

Look how he is, poor thing!

Eh, yes, yes, yes, just as I thought.
Let's take a little look.

Eh, how long has he been sick?
- For some time.

Eh! You could've waited longer to call me!

What do you mean?
- What do you mean, what do you mean!

How old is he?
- 75.

75 years! Now we're getting there.
- Why are we "getting there now"?

I must do the talking now, no?
- But I also know a thing or two.

Ma'am, this is an embolism.
- Got it? Empoli.

He lost consciousness. - And should we
waste our time with somebody like that?

We've more serious, important things
to talk about! - Will you cut it out?

Ma?am, please do me a favor.
Go immediately to the pharmacy

and get some leeches.
- What are you sending her to do?

Boil this syringe for me.
- Fine, go then.

And please knock it off.
- Now then?

Returning to our previous talk...
you don?t understand anything!

I don?t? What are you talking about?
- Mrs Perella... - Yes, the lady!

The lady finds herself in a state of...!
- Well?

And you want me to do an...!

Tell me, how dare you think such a thing
of me? Whom do you take me for?

I'm a good person, an honest gentleman!

I am an upright professor!
Whatever you may say!

Got it?

Mrs Perella conversely,
is an honest person.

A decent, honest person.
My apologies.

Honest, modest.
She is virtue personified!

I?m telling you!
- Yeah, OK.

Let it go! Let it go.

Let it go? - Yes, let it go!
- Let it go!

I won?t allow it, understand?
I won?t allow it!

I want only one thing from you.
An honest and moral thing.

Yes? And what, according to you,
would this honest and moral thing be?

That Captain Perella does
his duty as husband.

And when he comes back, when he lands,
he won?t slam the door in her face!

That's what I want!

That's what you want? - Yes.
- You just want that?

And you would like that from me?

Where do you get these ideas?

So you imagine,
I can force a donkey to drink?

I could pick up that dead man
and slap your face with him! Sorry, eh?

Listen, Marcello,
where did you get this idea?

But why do you laugh? Why?
- Sorry, if I laugh.

Tragedy looms, a woman's honor is at stake
and this idiot, a licensed doctor laughs!

This is too rich!
- Laugh, Sir, but is the godfather better?

He's better!
- No, no!

Come, come! Godfather is better!

Better? Is he really better?
- Better? Silence! He?s dead!

No, what dead?
- He's pre-dead.

No, don?t listen to him, please.

Go away and let me do my work.
- I'll go in the kitchen.

Where's the basin?
- In the kitchen. - The kitchen.

And you... how come you,
what do you want?

Oh, hey. Hey! - Yes?
- Don?t run! - No.

Hold this, please.
- What are you going to do?

Don't you see the syringe?
- For whom?

For him. Who else?
- Him? - Yes.

What are you doing?
- Look, you've already done enough.

Let me work in peace. Be still.
- Then to summarize... - Yes?

Regarding what we said, Captain Perella...
- Ah! - Perella!

Perella, I get it.
- Sailed for 3 months... - Yes.

Comes back today. - Yes.
- In 2 hours. - OK.

Yes, he'll only stay here tonight.
You get me? Only tonight.

Only tonight, got it.
- Tomorrow he leaves for Algeria.

He'll be away from home 6 months.

Tonight must be taken advantage of.
Otherwise, all is lost.

Got it? - Eh?
Got it? - What? - Got it?

Eh, I got it, yes!
- Are you deaf?

I'm not one of your students.
I understood perfectly.

You would like to bear the responsibility
on the shoulders of her husband.

You call that a husband?
Him a husband?

He neglects his wife, shirks his duty?
You call that a husband?

Yes, I agree.
He's certainly not a normal husband.

And we must force him
to be a normal husband!

Force him to do his duty!

You understand? And you must help me!

And... and... did you notice?
The effect of my injection.

Eh, I told you so!
Donna Matilde!

Donna Matilde!
He?s come to! Come!

But... it's a placebo!

Papa!

You?re all here, Don Pasquale,
Donna Maria, Donna Carmela,

the professor, the doctor,
all of you so good.

All here.
- But now I must get up.

No, no, no!
- I have to fish!

Calm down!
- You must stay in bed!

In bed! - In bed!
- What are you doing?

It's just for a little while! Stay in bed!
- Keep quiet! Don't push!

Well then?

We?ll see.

I say this captain tonight
will eat at home, right?

Of course he will. I'm invited too.

Right. As a pedagogue, eh?

Well, I suppose you won't
show up empty-handed.

No, I promised pastries for the boy.

Well, then it?s quite simple.
Buy those pastries.

What do pastries have to do with this?
- Don?t worry.

Buy the pastries and
bring them to my brother at the pharmacy.

Leave it to me.
- But they're for the boy!

OK! The lady eats them too, right?
- So?

You'll also offer them to the captain!

Those pastries, right?
- So?

You still don?t get it?
- No.

Look, today modern chemistry
is capable of anything.

It confesses the sins
that have been committed.

And those which haven?t been committed.

And if necessary, makes them commit sins.

Buy the pastries and bring them to my
brother's pharmacy. Leave the rest to me.

Am I clear enough now?

By Jove! You're a genius!
You're immense!

I'll buy 20, is that enough?
- Probably too many. - Oh, no!

I'll buy 20, 30, 40,
one billion, two million!

All the pastries!

Love is a song of 100 notes,

trembling like the cords under my fingers,

and 100,000 times,
with sugared lips

all the ladies' eyes begin to wreak havoc.

Professor.
- Hurray! Let?s go!

May I, eh!

Ah, that's what love does!

When it aims at your heart,
when an arrow gets inside you,

your peace of mind will be gone.

Ah, that's what love does!

It wants this, it wants that,
give it all, it still wants more,

it always makes you yearn.

Beautiful girl,

when love introduces himself,

And he tells you, "If I may,
whatever happens tomorrow,"

"your peace of mind will be gone."

Love doesn't have a good candle,

my girl, be careful, where you look,

he's not looking for a wife,
he'll deceive you I swear it,

he chases women just for fun
and friends just to play with.

Ah, that's what love does!

When it aims at your heart,
when an arrow gets inside you,

your peace of mind will be gone.

Ah, that's what love...

Come on, come on, let's go!
Put your backs into it!

Get everything ready now
we're going to get Perella, eh!

Be happy, Mariann?!
- And why should I be happy?

Eh, the Segesta is coming soon!

There are 15 crewmen, all under 30.

It'll be 90 days since they touched land.

With those beards of 3 months,
there'll be little to be happy about.

What do you care about beards?

Is Papa coming with the ship?
- Not yet. Fortunately.

And that jerk of a pharmacist
is nowhere to be seen.

The pharmacist? Who's sick?
- Everyone. We're all sick!

We?re all bad!
Now then...

Let me see this geography lesson. Go on!

My glasses.

What a wretched day!

What a wretched day,
I'll remember it as long as I live!

Eh, eh? What do you want?
I?m talking to myself. Now then.

So.

"The capital of France is Vienna."

"Crossed by the river Po
which flows into the Black Sea,"

"bathing Palermo,
the capital of Northern Italy."

Well, not bad.

Nothing too bad, I'll give you 9, eh!

Hurray!
3 eights, 1 ten and 2 nines!

Are you happy?

So when papa comes,
you'll show him your notebooks

and he'll be happy.

Remember that you must do your utmost
today so papa will be happy tonight!

100, 200 and two 400...
- What are you counting?

400... 800... A 1000 lire, professor,
a 1000 lire! - What's all this about lire?

Yes, papa gives me 100 lire for every 8 and
200 lire every 9, so that?s a 1000 lire.

Really! You're happy, eh?

I am but not him.
- No? My good boy, why?

Because at first he gave me 300 lire
for every 9 and 500 lire for every 10.

But then he says you rain 8s, 9s and 10s.

Really? He said that I rain them, eh?

Yes, he said, "By Jove,
this professor rains 8s, 9s and 10s!"

He took the notebook and threw it away
very angrily, like this!

He got angry?

Yes, he immediately lowered the rate.
- He lowered the rate?

By Jove, then we?ll lower it too.
Wait, yes!

Yes, we must go lower.
Here I gave you 8. An 8!

Let?s do a 5.
- Professor!

Silence, I said!
I?m the professor!

Here you wrote things from another world!
I gave you 9. What 9? 0!

Absolutely 0!

Professor, the 1000 lire, Professor!
The 1000 lire!

All right, I'll give it to you!

Here you are.

What a day! What a day!

Here it is.

Goodbye, dear bread! Help yourself.

Good day, Professor!
- Now we'll all go to get papa!

Eh, papa hasn't entered the port yet.
There?s still some time.

What? The Segesta not yet seen?
- No, it should be spotted any moment.

There was a rough sea last night.
And when you sail, you leave and...

Any danger of a storm? - No!
- Shipwreck? - Please!

Any collision, rocks?

Let?s have the captain arrive,
for the love of God!

What do you imagine?

You are a man of the land,
you can?t understand certain things.

Captain Perella is
the best captain on the whole coast!

He beats the clock faster than a train.

That's a man!

He learned geography on the sea!

Not at school, Professor!
- Shall we get papa?

Let's go. - Ma'am said that Non? mustn?t
get cold because he had pneumonia!

Be careful, please!
- Go!

Professor!

Here, I'm ready.

Are you happy, Paolino?
- Oh, my God!

I followed your advice.
I made myself pretty.

I put on my ball dress. The one I had
made on purpose for the Segesta dance.

My dressmaker helped me alter it.
It's nice and very tasteful. And in fashion.

See these folds? The idea was hers.
And this lace! I would've never dared.

But she said, "Oh, yes, oh, yes,
my dear, you will be a wonder!"

You think Perella will like it?

Won?t he think it a bit much ol?, ol??

Tell me you're joking? Eh?
Are you joking?

Have you looked at yourself
in the mirror? Have you?

Don't you know they would
reject you for a scarecrow?

Reject you for a scarecrow!

You don't understand anything about men!
You're an agnostic!

Paolino...! And yet you liked me!

What does that matter? I'm not a man!
I mean I am, but not a husband!

I mean you don't understand husbands,
you don?t understand...!

Not a thing! Nothing!

It's obvious, eh? Yes.

You don?t understand anything about men!
Not one thing!

Wha... wha... wha... what are you doing?

Why are you turning pale?
Come here, let's try and fix it.

Let's try and fix it.
Where are you going? Don?t cry!

Eh, eh, don?t cry!
I can?t look at women who cry.

It hurts me. Understand?
Oh, rouse yourself!

Like I said, husbands want
to find it hot and ready.

Hot and ready!

Hot and ready?
- Ho...an...rea..., yes. Hot and ready.

Why, if your husband comes
and finds you likes this,

it's true, you won?t be attractive!

You are not appetizing.
And not being appetizing,

he won?t eat!

And not eating, we are dishonored!

Understand that we are dishonored.
Look at this dress, how you got put it on.

You see, this...
this is a dress for Befana!

And what is this artichoke supposed to be?

Husbands don?t like artichokes!

But, but they?re roses!
- Roses?

Must be artichoke roses.
We must do something.

Something must absolutely be done.

Then... then you tell me what to add!

What do I want to add?
Ooh, what do I want to add?

What I want to add...
is a bite to this chair!

Adding? You need to subtract!

Let some air in!
What?s with this mosquito net?

Tell me what's with that mosquito net!
Open it up! Air! Make room!

But how?
- A universal display of the theme!

Like that!
Show some cleavage!

Show some cleavage!
Uncleave!

No, no, never!
- But don't you understand

our honor is at stake?
Will you understand, yes or no?

No, no, no, no!
Don?t cry, please.

Please, be good, no, no!

Yes, I see, dear. I understand.

The sacrifice you, so chaste and pure,
must make is huge.

I know.
Fine, try to repress

the revolt of your ravished modesty.
Eh! Be good.

But you see dear, you have graces,
treasures you jealously keep guarded.

Why do you want to keep them so jealously
guarded, these graces and treasures?

Show them off, be good,
my love, show them off.

Eh?
Listen to your Paoluccio, OK?

Do you want to show them?
Eh, you understand?

They won?t interest him,
he?s already seen them!

Then remind him of them!

I say, are you or are you not a woman?

Yes, but I'm not one of those!
Remember that!

But who said that? Who?

I only said you must do
your conjugal duties.

If your husband comes
and finds you dressed for Lent,

what will become of our efforts?

My efforts, the pharmacist's,
the pastries', heh? How will it end?

Show them off!
Show them off!

No! I?ll throw myself out of the window!
- No! I'll throw myself out!

Oh, no!
- Yes! I'll die!

I can?t take it!
I?ll kill myself so it'll be over!

Let us all die!
I can?t take this anymore! I can?t!

Why did I have pick this lady!

Calm down, Paolino. Paolino,

I'll go change. I'll do anything
you want. But calm down, eh!

Yes, I'm calm. I'm calm,
but I can?t take this anymore. I can?t.

What time is it?

That damn pharmacist
must bring me the pastries.

It's 5 o'clock and he hasn?t shown up.

He?s no a pharmacist but a braggart.

And he?s making a mistake.
A mistake because I?ll break his head!

He just made my list.
- Paolino!

Do you believe in the
efficacy of that powder?

Tell me, you believe it?
- But what do I know?

But what do I know?
We?re trying it, aren?t we?

We try everything, right?
There's no harm in trying!

What's this? You?re not dressed yet?
Still like that, not changed, but...!

Oh, god, an undershirt!
Cleavage with that!

Crazy!
But where do you live? The moon?

Put something on.
What ugly clothes, all old!

Old, out of fashion, rancid, ancient stuff!

Belongs to... the 13th century, the 12th!

Oh God, it's him!

It's him!
- No, no, no!

Come on, for heaven's sake.
It's not time to faint, up!

Get up, get up, get up!
Get...

Stay up!

Don?t act like that!
You look so pale!

But you told me I'm so beautiful
when I'm pale.

Me! So what? I?m a professor,
I?m refined. I understand these things.

But what do you expect him to understand?
Blood is beautiful!

He?s a beast, you understand!
A beast!

Jerk, more to the left!
The left, you idiot!

More!

There it is that damn village!

Look, they aren't even capable of one
Christian port! - But now we're there.

Enough! - It's been many
years since I?ve seen my home.

And 6 months since I?ve seen my wife.
- Enough! - 6 months!

And then, tonight'll be
both Christmas and Easter for me.

I bet you too, Captain...
- Me? Yeah, right! - Love is like the sun...

Tonight I want to rest.

I did Easter and Christmas at Naples.

It?s now Lent!

Lent!

Pasquale, what's with him?
- Eh, who understands him?

Whenever we're about to arrive
in this town he becomes a beast.

Dear Don Peppino!

You're the owner of this boat, but if
you weren't... - I know, dear Francesco.

Look to see if my wife is at the window.

Oh, yes, she'll certainly be there.

Oh!
- Well? What is it?

Is that...
- What is it?

Your wife's not there. There?s a man.

What are you doing?
Halfwit, it's late!

Eh, eh, calm down!
I'm talking about music. Keep calm!

That's not a man, it's a professor.

Ah, by the way,
are you going to Naples tonight?

Yes, after checking
and unloading the load.

I forgot! Do you know Concetta?
- Yes.

Why not? We have no secrets.

4 kids.
- Right!

Expensive.
Do me a favor instead.

I forgot the money for Concetta.
Here is 30,000 lire for Concetta.

What? I pay you too well.

You go away for 5 months
and leave 30,000 lire? - Too much?

Look, dear Francesco,
I can?t understand how a thrifty man,

stingy like you, has placed the weight
of 2 kids on his shoulders.

See, if I didn?t land in Naples
before arriving in this town...

You met my wife?
- Of course.

There would be a child every time.
Instead I do Naples first.

So I'll only get my laundry washed here, eh?
It?s better for me, right?

Open the pastries, come on.
- Speaking of that, I was saying...

The kid being here by chance,
it was dangerous to bring the pastries.

If a kid takes one, you know what'll happen?
- I didn't even think about that!

If the kid eats one of these sweets...
Ooh!

Please! - That?s why I didn?t want to.
- What didn?t you want to?

What did you do? And the pastries?
- The pastries? They were eaten!

Damn it! You ate all them? All! Holy God!
- But not all!

Yes, all!
I can eat 40 pastries!

I ate half!
- I said 40 pastries!

How could you?
- Indeed, 40 pastries!

The other half my brother ate.

I'll take a bite out of your head!

And then?
Then what's this stuff here?

What's this? A bunny? A tank? What?
- What bunny! What tank!

I brought you a cake instead of pastries.
- A cake? - Yes.

Instead of pastries? - Yes.
- Prepared according to our plan?

Yes, according to our agreement.

See this yellow part? - The cream.
- Yes, the cream.

The boy can eat that.

Harmless?
- Truly harmless.

This dark part...
- The chocolate? - Yes.

None for the child, please!
- Because in the chocolate there is...

Listen, is it effective?

You're a friend.
- You're welcome.

I'm counting on you.
- I'll wind up in jail, dear.

And now go, goodbye.
- Good luck, best wishes, eh!

Best wishes, goodbye.

Say... like the tomb, eh?
- Starting again? Agreed.

Go... go.

The future of a family...

the honor of a woman...

everything hangs on this concoction.

Papa, I waited you for so long!

Eh, your tuft, well combed tuft,
your sweater!

But how did you treat your mother?
Oh, but you grew up, eh! How are you?

What have you been doing? - I studied a lot.
- Yes, a sailor must study.

Your father studied a lot before coming.

Tell me, did you learn to swim?
- No.

No?
- You know, mama is afraid.

Then, let's go! Swimming is instinctive!
- No, Papa!

Dogs swim alone,
even idiots swim, you can swim too!

Trust me, dear. I?m a man of the world.
Leave it to me.

You'll see.

It burns!

The fringe goes like this,
like a diva, you see?

My love, for the pleasure of that beast

you must look like one of those.
Got it? Trust me.

Here, take this!

Your brush.
- Took long enough, snail!

Really? Now because of you
the captain will be mad at me!

They call me here, there!
I can?t take it anymore!

Wait, we're missing something.

Be still, eh?
There.

Like that.
See, see?

Now you have the eyebrows
like those in the cinema.

Magnificent.
Get up, get up.

Go look at yourself in the mirror.

Very nice!

And now tell me, Captain Perella!

Tell me if she?s not more beautiful
than the ladies of Naples!

Oh, my God!

But I'm a fright!

No!
You?re exactly as you should be for him.

But so changed,
he won?t even recognize me.

He mustn't recognize you.
He must see you like this, different.

But me, a mother of a family!

See what you did!

Who's home? Where are you?

So there?s no one home?

At least give me the baggage!

I return twice a year to this damn house

and of course there?s nobody at the port!

Sorry, but the professor...!
- What are you saying?

Welcome back.
- Thank you, dear professor.

Francesco...
- Hi. Here's your student.

Oh, my Non?!

But he's all wet! What happened?

What did you do? Mama!

Are you hurt?
- Hurt?

Not at all! No, not at all.

I did to him as my father done to me.

He threw me into the sea dressed shouting,
?Sink or swim!?

And you're not dead.

I became a swimmer.

What an idea!
Throw a child into the sea!

Oh, God, help us!
He's already had pneumonia twice

Mama, do you know you look really funny?
Papa, come see how funny mama looks!

Hush, you understand? Or else!

Here you go, I bought meat.
How should I cook it?

Leave it to me, don't worry about it.
- Mama Mia! - What is it?

Ma?am, what did you do?
- What did I do?

I don?t get it, what?
- You're dressed like the circus.

Circus! Why do you butt
into your employers? affairs?

But...
- Go to the kitchen!

Papa, Papa, come see
how changed mama is!

Come and see! - Changed?
- Yes.

Captain, see: The lady made such
a change that you won?t recognize her.

Let?s hope so.

A gift for the lady, I bet.
- A gift?

Pajamas.

In this house,
it's the one thing that's done right.

They get washed reasonably well.

Reasonably.

This is the last time I let you
meet your papa on the dock.

Papa, mama didn?t want me to swim!
- Will you hush? I'm nervous enough.

But you?re not nervous.
You're silly, silly, silly!

Papa, are you coming
to see mama, yes or no?

I can?t. - No.
- I can?t! - Non?!

Non?! Don?t make daddy angry.

Daddy? Daddy!
- Eh!

Dear professor,
you?re too nice to this child.

I'm nice? - You spoil him!
- Really? - Yes. - Really? - Yes!

I spoil him? - Yes
- I spoil him?

Since we?re already on this subject,

dear captain, you must know
that the problem lies elsewhere!

His mother?
- What mother?

Let's stop naming this poor lady
who is a saint! Understood?

She?s the embodiment of purity in person!

I acknowledge that we all have our faults.

Who doesn?t?

No, look captain, the problem is
that the child, being alone,

an only child, is a bit spoiled.

Only child!

That's what she says.
Only child!

Vice versa, if instead of one,
there were two, that is a pair,

things would be different. Instead
the child is alone, goes crazy, you see.

2? Don?t joke, eh!

In this house, just one and that?s it!

Non?! Non?!

Look, a gift for you.

Boxing gloves.
- Yes, nice, thank you.

But come see mama! Come on!
- Why should I?

Go see the lady.
- Come, see mama!

Go see the lady.
- Come and see mama!

Come see mama!

She's there!

Go away.

Non?, Non?, enough!
Stop laughing!

Why? Why?

Don?t you think that face is funny?

That carnival face.
- But, to be honest...

I don?t think so, far from it.
I find the lady has done her maquillage

to make herself more charming,
more soign? in your eyes, Captain.

She did it for you.

Really?

And you know you've been 5 months away.
Eh, eh, eh, eh!

Yes and you stay only
for one night, Francesco.

Then do me a favor.

I can't eat with this carnival mask
before my face! Move it!

You two exchange places!

And you drink some wine.

Please, Ma'am, have a seat here.

Be brave.

You thought he'd like it, eh?

What is it?
- I say ah! I forgot my plate!

I'll exchange it.
- Thank you.

Drink! - No, not the red wine!
- It's good for you.

I want champagne!
- Champ...

Champagne!

Maquillage, champagne, soign?...

In this house they all turned French.

Professor, why are you laughing?

Why did I smile?
- Don't you know you're smiling?

With my mouth?
- Of course.

Why exactly I don't know.
Maybe it was nerves. Yes, nerves.

Why do your nerves make you smile?
- You see, it's the sympathetic nerve.

If anybody should be nervous here, it's me.

But where's the second course?
What's going on in this house?

I'm coming, one moment! Mama Mia!
- It never arrives!

Here.

What's this?
- Its beef alla pizzaiola.

What?
- Beef alla pizzaiola.

Who cooked it?
- Not me.

You?
- Yes.

I made it especially for you, Francesco.

Everybody is doing "something for me"
in this house today!

OK, take it away!

And you, go on!
Wash your ridiculous face!

Ma'am, a little patience.
Maybe your husband is right.

Yes, yes, yes yes.

Women know nothing about men!

But did you see that?

Did you see how that woman was got up?

Hey, eat, eat!

No, because I see something...

What?
- That over there.

Yes, it's a cake
that I allowed myself to bring.

And I'm sure it'll be to your liking.
I'm going to present it.

Here you are.
- What is it?

What is it? You'll soon see what it is!
It's a specialty!

This is just the night for specialties!
- For you!

This is a cake.
See, half cream and half chocolate.

Hurray, hurray, I want this!
Chocolate, this part!

Good, eat the chocolate but shut up!

Are you mad? Are we all mad?
- What is it?

Give kids chocolate? Not on your life!
It heats and they're already heated!

Listen here, I've traveled the world.
All boys eat chocolate.

In India, China, South America. Even
pygmies grow visibly if they eat chocolate!

So I'll give him chocolate.
- I know, those are other children.

Our children are Latin.

And I'm a professor of Latin and I know
that chocolate is bad for Latin children!

Believe me, Captain. Believe me.

Eat the chocolate.

Hurray! Papa gives me the cake!
- Got it? I told you to eat the chocolate!

No, but no!
- Hurray!

Non?, no! What are you doing?
Have we all gone mad?

But papa said so! - Said so, my foot!
Have we all gone mad?

You don't know that...
Silence! Understand?

Or I'll reenact the Massacre of
the Innocents! Like Attila! Like Herod!

Go to bed, go to bed without dinner!
Go away, go away!

And you don't intervene?

Because you don't know
but he is an ignoramus!

Yes, he said that Vienna
was the capital of Germany!

That Germany was the capital of Palermo!
That Palermo is in northern Italy. - Enough!

My God! - All right.
- Enough! - All right.

This house has turned into a madhouse!

I ask for a moment of silence,
a moment of silence! - OK.

Hello? Naples!
Yes, right away.

Captain, they want you from Naples.

Coming.
- He's coming.

Excuse me and pardon.

Who invited that pest?

He's always around.
- Is this a house or a hotel?

Francesco I must tell you something
very important, very important.

Understand? I'm in papa's house.
I must tell you something very important.

Is that you, love?

I'm leaving. - What do you mean?
After all I've done for you?

Now you want to?
- Yes, and tell my husband the truth!

Truth? He's just about to eat the cake!

Silence, eh!

So what happened tonight?
Can I know what happened?

No, dear, don't get angry.

No, enough! I'm leaving! Goodbye!

What?
- I said that's enough!

Enough to who?
I don't understand you tonight...

No, dear, I wasn't speaking to you.

Not to me?
I say "enough", understand?

I've had enough of your machinations!

Wait one moment!

The other line is gone.
Communication is closed.

No, damn it, Miss!

My decision is made. I must pay!

Pay with you life?
Say, you don't play around with your skin!

Come here!

I think the evening can
end well in harmony.

Leave it to me, Ma'am.
I'm a man of the world.

I'll try to convince the captain
and you'll see that all...

What is it?

Francesco, I must speak.
- One moment, Ma'am. And stay calm.

Allow me to advise you that you use
the wrong tactics with your husband.

Don't you see how angry he is?

I would recommend,
why don't we return to the table

and eat that fine cake, eh?

Professor, you propose this,
you advise that.

I'm fed up, understand,

that you make yourself master in my house.

Go away, get out.
- Actually, Captain, I was saying...

Out!

No, I was saying let's have some
of that nice cake which is magnificent.

Goodnight.

OK.

Look, it's great, you know! Part cream
and part chocolate. The chocolate, eh!

Made in your honor.
However, that's fine.

Finally!

And you listen.

When I'm not here,
the professor can teach what he wants.

But when I return twice a year,
I don't want any pests around me.

I've already got you.

I could not wait for that
good for nothing professor to leave!

And did you hear him?
He said that Non? is an ignoramus!

So what good is he?
What do I pay him for?

Crazy stuff!

I'm going to bed.

Goodnight.

And what are you still doing here?
Go away, leave!

Yes, I'm leaving. Of course!

You've thoroughly ruined me.
It's all your fault.

You dress like a penitent,
take him on, treat him badly,

you make a scene, you say words

and you would like that unfortunate...
But go on, where are we?

Some things must be understood!
- Grazia!

Grazia!
- What do you want?

The accounts.
- They're in the usual place.

No they're not. Bring them here.

I want to go over them.

Here, look over the books.

At this time of night
he's looking over accounts?

Here it is.
- Something here needs to be washed.

Something?
All this? When can I wash it?

Tonight. - Tonight?
- I'm leaving tomorrow. - Mama Mia!

Now I must do an all-nighter! - So?
- Put it here, now I must clear the table!

As long as it's ready by tomorrow.
- Look, what a waste!

This nice sweet will be thrown out tomorrow
because the cream will sour. - OK.

What a pity, what a pity!
4,000 lire, 4,000 lire thrown away!

Eh? 4,000 lire!

There's chocolate, cream...
- I know chocolate.

But 4,000 lire! 20 eggs?
- ...sugar, of course!

Leave it to me.
- It takes a lot to make a cake, no?

20 eggs.

Crazy stuff!

How lovely! How lovely!
Finally we're safe.

Did you see?
He ate all the chocolate.

It's obvious you don't know him well.
That won't help. - No, why be that way?

Two men of science have told me
not to doubt the outcome.

Assunta, why all this
incredulous agnosticism?

Listen to me,
everything will be fine, you'll see.

It will work, it will work!

Don't be like that! Don't do that!
Now... where is she?

It's now in the hands of science.

This night, due to emotion, I won't sleep.

Actually, let's do one thing.
One thing tomorrow

if all goes well, if the result is positive,
give me a signal from the balcony.

A nice vase of flowers, eh!

This way, seeing the vase, I can say all
went well, went ad hoc. Understand?

A vase of flowers, remember.
A vase of flowers at the window.

Professor!
- Who is it?

Good morning.
- Good morning, Captain, good morning.

Don't look at me with that long face!

Come up!
- May I?

Well, let's have coffee and make peace.
- Then I'm coming, eh! Right away!

Grazia, Grazia! - I'm here!
- Coffee right now!

One moment! With all the clothes I washed
I did an all nighter, Captain, you know?

All night! - Would you want me to give
it to the washerwoman? - Of course.

With all the work I do in the day,
at night a poor girl should sleep, no?

Good morning, Professor, sit.

Morning, Captain. - Oh, Professor,
what brings you around here at this hour?

Well, I found myself passing by and I saw
a group of people and I stopped. - Nice.

Right. By any chance,
did a vase of flowers fall down?

A vase of flowers?
No.

Nothing?
Are you sure?

Captain, Captain,
I'm speaking and you're whistling!

Eh? - Excuse me, can't one whistle?
Yes, whenever you like.

Later, but first answer me.
Give me strength!

You sure a flower pot didn't just fall?
- Look, the flower pots are there.

5 of them.
- 5? - Yes.

Have there always been 5?
- 5, there's no room for anymore

There has always been exactly 5 vases?
- Yes! - Thanks.

5, they were always 5.
So nothing happened.

Nothing happened.
- What nothing?

Ah, no, just saying. I said nothing
ever happens in life. Just that.

In politics, nothing.

Wretch, yet you assured me, you did.

That's trusting friends!
- What's with you this morning?

Me? Nothing.... nothing.

Rather... you...
You look rather strange.

Me?
- Yes.

Strange? You're strange.

Am I strange?
Right, because...

I'm a little nervous, eh!

I spent a sleepless night.

And you? - Eh?
- And how did you spend yours?

Me?
- Eh!

I slept very well.

Grazia, Grazia! Is the coffee coming or not?

He makes me run with
the coffee maker in my hands!

Didn't you bring the professor's cup?

How should I know
if I should bring it or not?

Has he ordered it?
- Grazia! Grazia!

Is this the way to answer the captain?
- Yes, I want to answer him!

Because you all take advantage
of me in this house!

Not only do I have to do his bidding
in the day, but also in the night!

Wha... wha... what?

Yes, Professor, the night too.

Oh, God!

Horrible... the maid!

Professor, what's wrong with you?
- With me?

Wrong with me?
It's that I'm truly amazed.

In fact, I would say dumbfounded.
- Of what?

Of what? Of what?
It seems nothing to you...

a maid who takes so much liberty!
- Yeah...

Even this is my wife's fault.

My wife...
- Enough of these poor wives!

Enough with these holy women!

And let's talk a little bit
about the husbands!

Because I'm an honest man!

And I tell you a husband
should never neglect his wife!

Because, in neglecting her
he commits a crime!

Yes! Yes, a crime!

Indeed, a series of crimes!

Because he forces his wife,
who could be a saintly woman,

to fail in her conjugal duties,
I say marital duties!

Also, a husband who neglects his wife,

forces another man to be unhappy for life.

Yes, dear captain.

Yes, this man is reduced
to the extreme limit of his suffering!

He may lose his mind,
he may commit nonsense

and lose his freedom!

What's with the shouting?

What's happening?
- I don't know, dear.

The professor has got himself into
a rage, but I don't know why.

No, I wanted to say...
- Calm down, calm down, Professor.

You don't have to get angry on such
a beautiful day with such a beautiful sun.

Uh, by the way I have to put
my flower pots in the window.

Flowers?
- Yes.

You'll excuse me?
- Of course.

The... the... the flowers!

Ah, professor, finally I see you happy.

Well, long live the captain!
- Long live the professor.

Long live the captain!

5 vases, eh!

5 vases.

Professor!
- What is it?

Somebody wants you.

5 vases!

Ah, is it you? Well? - I was just
looking for you. What can one do?

5 vases, 5 vases!

Last night I looked for you everywhere.

I went up to your house and
couldn't find you.

It was a fine mess. - You know it too?
Who knows what he put in it?

But it's not the quantity! - How much?
- Not the quantity!

That idiot assistant of mine messed up.

Instead of the stuff, he put baby cereal.

What? - Baby cereal.
Harmless stuff, baby cereal!

Baby cereal?
Oh, my God!

And if he didn't mess up,
what would've happened? Oh, God!

Saint Francis of Assisi!
- Paolino!

Professor.
- No, it was nothing.

He was my assistant janitor.
He wanted to ask me something.

Eh, good.
No, I say good like that!

Because you've made peace here.

Ah, the credit is all yours, Professor.

Mine?

Yes, I ate the cake
you brought last night.

Well tonight
it must have been three, three-thirty...

I woke up.

That cake, though delicious,
was sitting on my stomach.

I couldn't take it anymore.
Such a stomach ache!

Assunta!
Is there any bicarbonate?

As you know, last night
I had a fight with my wife.

Well, going to get some bicarbonate,

I had the opportunity to see her again.

And in the calm of the night,

I thought about what you had said,
dear professor.

That is the evening could end
very well in perfect harmony.

That basically it was worth it
to talk to my wife again.

And that's how we started talking again.

We talked, we spoke maybe too much.

Until dawn.

But I must admit the arguments
my wife brought up

were many and very convincing.

So you see, Professor, the credit is yours.

Eh, yes!

Eh, yes!

All owing to you!

My dear professor, you'll no longer
have to concern yourself about the boy.

We'll take care of him.

In fact, my husband decided to stay.

Yes, I will see to Non?'s education.

But not only to his.

Also that of any others that come,
God willing!

The professor was of great help to me
when you were gone. We must thank him.

I blush, Ma'am.
Please, I did nothing.

It's me who probably should
thank the captain.

Indeed I apologize if a little while ago
I behaved like a beast.

In all circumstances, you must
behave like a man, Professor.

I know, I know!
It's easy for the captain,

who has a woman like you:
virtue personified.

Well, seeing and considering
I may have overstayed my welcome,

I say goodbye, good day, my respects.

Good day, goodbye, Professor.

Dear, you won't set foot
in Naples ever again, eh?

Naples? No way!

I told you that I decided
to come back home more often.

And not just to get my laundry washed.

This love is song
which you can never forget.

It is useless to explain
because its chains are sweet?

Professor!

Professor, good day!
Already awake at this time?

?and live only for love.

It is useless to explain
because its chains are sweet

to make two hearts sing
and live only for lo?

Professor, how are you?

How did the night business go?
- Let's not talk about it.

5 vases.
- 5 vases?

What do you mean?
- I know what I mean.

The bicarbonate, the cleavage,
the baby cereal!

Professor, do you know
what they're saying in town?

They say the last few days, you've been
talking to yourself, treating people badly.

That you've become a little "like this".

Really? They say that?

Oh God, certainly they're not
wrong deep down.

I know, I live alone too much.

All the holidays among those
stupid idiots, my students

and my old obnoxious housekeeper.

I know, I know.

Say Mariannina,
now that the Segesta is leaving,

you'll be like...
as one would say, unemployed.

Of course, I'll try to get by
but I'm always unemployed.

Yeah, eh?
- Eh!

Say, 'ould 'ou 'ike 'o 'ome 'o 'y 'ouse?

What?
- I say: 'ould 'ou 'ike 'o 'ome 'o 'y 'ouse?

I don't understand. - Need I scream?
Would you like to come to my house?

In place of that stupid old
intriguing hag of a housekeeper?

Eh? - Then professor,
what they say is really true?

That I'm a little crazy?
Yes, I'm a little crazy.

So will you come to my house, yes or no?

But maybe you wouldn't like to?
- No, Professor, far from it,

Your house is really nice.

It's the home of a great gentleman.

God, maybe a little sad,
but it's nice though.

You see, if I lived there,
I would put curtains on the windows

and I would whitewash the walls outside.
- Yeah?

Then you know what I'd like to put there?
Many beautiful vases of flowers.

Vases?
- Vases.

Did you say vases?
- I said vases.

Yes, sometimes a vase is all you need!

And they'll be fine there, no?

It is useless to explain
because its chains are sweet

to make two hearts sing
and live only for?

?love.

English subtitles by sineintegral@KG