Lucy Moves to NBC (1980) - full transcript
Contacted by Fred Silverman, the President of NBC, Lucille Ball accepts to go back to work as a producer. With the help of her faithful production assistant, Gale Gordon, she starts working on a new series titled "The Music Mart".
- [Driver] And on thislovely Beverly Hills street
are the homes of many ofthe world's most popular
and instantly recognizablefilm and television stars.
On the left is the spaciousof the Henry Fonda's.
Over there is the estateof Jimmy Stewart's.
And right here in the corner,
is the house that the delightfulLucille Ball calls home.
- [Lucille] Hold it driver.
- [Driver] What?
- [Lucille] I want out.
- [Driver] Why lady?
- [Lucille] Because this is where I live.
(laughter)
This is my way of saving gas.
(laughter)
[Announcer] A Lucille Ball Special.
(applause)
Staring Lucille Ball.
With her guests, Bob Hope,
Johnny Carson,
Jack Klugman,
Gene Kelly,
Gary Coleman,
Co staring, Donald O'Connor,
also staring, Gloria De Haven,
Gale Gordon,
Sidney Miller,
and introducing Scotty Plummer.
(doorbell rings)
- Ah good afternoon.
- Good afternoon Chuchula,
I've go to see Ms. Ball.
- Is Madame expecting you Mr. Ruden?
- That's Luden,
not Ruden.
- I said Ruden,
you don't risten.
(laughter)
- Where is she?
- Oh, she is busy and cannot be disturbed.
- Oh yes she can.
This is more important than backgammon.
- How he know she's praying.
(laughter)
- Come on Lucy, make your move.
- Don't rush me.
- Well there's only one move you can make.
You've got to block her sixes.
- And who made you captainof the Kipising Team?
- Trudy, you know my lawyer, Mickey Luden.
- Oh, yes of course.
He got you off jury duty once.
Remember that Mickey.
- It was nothing.
Oh I merely explained to the judge
that she's
(laughter)
- What?
- Well any woman with your talent
who spends all her time playing backgammon
has got to have her head on hold.
Are you going to spendthe rest of your life
playing this silly game?
- It's not a silly game.
- Well it's silly when it's all you do.
There's more to lifethan playing backgammon.
- That's right.
There are swap meets.
(laughter)
- Swap meets?
- Yeah, where do you thinkI got this backgammon board?
(laughs)
- Now Lucy, it's a criminalact against society
if you don't give the world what it needs
now more than ever.
The gift that you can provide
better than any woman hasever been able to provide.
The precious gift of laughter.
- Oh, here, here.
- What are you talking about?
- Lucy, you've got to get upoff your big fat backgammon.
You're going back to work.
- Oh, no I'm not.
- Oh, yes you are.
- Oh, no I'm not.
- Oh, yes you are.
- Oh, you keep out of this.
(laughter)
I am not going back.
I've spent my entire life working,
I have earned the right totake life easy for a while.
I want to relax and enjoy myself.
- Now Lucy,
you've just,
- You're wasting your time Mickey.
You're just wasting your time.
I'm not ready to go back
to work anymore than Ruta is.
(laughter)
- I'd give my right arm for a good job.
- Now Lucy before you makeany irrevocable decisions,
I want you to do me a favor.
- What?
- I want you to meet Fred Silverman.
- Who's Fred Silverman?
(laughter)
- (Together) Who's Fred?
(laughter)
- He's a very importantbroadcasting executive.
He runs NBC.
Ugh, I'd give my left arm to meet him.
- You'd give your right arm for a job,
you'd give your leftarm to meet Silverman.
What do you want to play?
Venus De Milo?
(laughter and applause)
(doorbell)
- I think that's Silverman now.
I took the liberty of asking him here.
- You did?
- Yes I did.
Nevermind Chuchu.
I'll get it.
You know Mr. Silverman'sa little wary of Orientals
ever since he cancelled Kung Fu.
(laughter)
- You're wasting your time.
- Lucy, why not back into television?
- Look, all my old showsare running morning,
noon, and night.
And if I went back I'dbe so busy rehearsing,
I wouldn't be able to watch my old shows
morning, noon, and night.
(laughter)
- Ms. Ball, allow me topresent Mr. Fred Silverman.
(laughter)
- He runs NBC?
- This is a great personalpleasure Ms. Ball.
May I shake your hand?
- Oh, yes.
I'm really shook.
(laughter)
Oh, I'd like you tomeet my friend Ruta Lee.
- Hello.
- Ms. Lee, it is my pleasure.
- Oh, I hope you rememberthat when you're casting.
(laughter)
- Ah, Mr. Silverman,may I get you something?
A scotch and soda, bourbon of water,
milk and cookies.
(laughter)
- Nothing, thank you.
I'm satisfied just to bein the same room with you,
Ms. Ball.
I've been a devoted fan ofyours ever since you started.
- Oh, you had a TV set in your nursery?
(laughter)
(phone rings)
Excuse me.
Hello?
Oh yes he is.
Who's calling?
The White House?
The real White House in Washington DC?
You know anybody in the White House?
- I hope you don't mind.
I left your number with my office.
Hello?
Yes.
It's only the Vice President.
(laughter)
- Only the Vice President.
- Hello Fritz,
yes, that's what I told Jody.
Look, I'm sorry but Ican't give the Oval Office
an hour of primetime.
After all, that's only the White House,
not the Little House on the Prairie.
(laughter)
I'm sorry Fritz.
Goodbye.
It's not an easy job running a network.
- Oh you poor boy.
And you could be out at Malibu surfing,
or you could be in CentralPark roller skating.
(laughter)
- Ms. Ball,
Let me get to the point.
NBC needs comedy shows.
And there's nobody in theentire spectrum of entertainment
who has provided more comedy,
to more people for more years than you.
- Ugh, look, I've heardthat speech before,
and I appreciate it and all.
- I'm here to coax you outof your self imposed exile
from the public,
and help bring a smile
to the faces of all of those millions.
(phone rings)
- I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh, yes, it's for you.
- Not you, him.
(laughter)
It's the Oval Office, himself.
- The President himself, on my telephone.
- Hello?
Yes, Jimmy.
Yes, I did tell Jody and Fritz.
15 (voice cracks).
15 minutes Jimmy.
(laughter)
No, no, no, don't put Roseline on,
I can't talk now.
I'm in a very important meeting
with the First Lady of Television.
That's right, Lucy.
Well yes, I'll tell her.
Goodbye.
- Tell me what, what, what, what?
- The President said,
that of all the people who make him laugh,
you are his favorite.
- Oh, really?
Oh, I'm so flattered.
- You should be.
He's surrounded by clowns in Washington.
(laughter)
- Mr. Silverman, in spiteof all this flattery,
I have to tell you I am notgoing to go back on television.
- I don't want you back.
- Fine, because there'snothing you can say,
there's nothing you can offer me.
What?
(laughter)
- Lucy, all Fred wants is your expertise.
He wants you to producea new comedy for NBC.
- Me a producer?
- Yeah.
- Nobody knows more aboutmaking people laugh than you.
I want you to put together afirst rate half hour for us.
- And you can do it Lucy.
- Absolutely.
- You really think I can?
- I haven't the slightest doubt.
Just sign this contract.
(laughter)
- Oh, but this is so sudden.
I, I have to have time to think.
- Well don't think too long,
I need an answer by tomorrow.
- Why so soon?
- Well thing happen fast in television.
By tomorrow I might not be in it anymore.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(applause)
- Good morning Ms. Ball.
- Good morning.
- Welcome to NBC.
- Well thank you, thank you.
- My name's Wanda Clark,
and I am really lookingforward to working with you.
- Well thank you Wanda, what do you do?
- I'm your secretary.
- My secretary?
- Yes.
Though I must confess,
I don't type very well,
I can't take shorthand,
and I'm not very good at filing.
(laughter)
- Well do you play backgammon?
- Oh yes.
- You'll do.
(laughter)
And you know something I think
they should put anotherdesk in here for you.
- But this is my desk.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- You're desk is in your private office.
The workmen are just puttingthe finishing touches on it.
- Oh, it's magnificent.
Absolutely beautiful.
(applause)
- Lucy.
- Jack Klugman.
(applause)
Oh, aren't you sweet.
Oh, good to see you.
- What a morning I had.
I'm glad I got here in time.
- I time for what?
- Oh, I'm the honorarychairman of the studio's
hospitality committee.
And just as I drove in,
I was attacked by wild savages.
- Wild savages in Burbank?
- Haven't you ever seen thedollar 98 beauty pageant shows?
(laughter)
- What's that Jack?
- Something to welcome you to NBC.
Hit it boys.
♫ Hello Lucy,
♫ well hello Lucy
♫ It's so nice to haveyou here where you belong
♫ You're looking swell, Lucy
♫ You can tell Lucy
♫ You're so ball, and you're so crow,
♫ And you're still going strong,
♫ We feel the room swinging,
♫ For the fans playing,
♫ With a welcoming for you to NBC,
♫ So give a cheer fellas,
♫ Let her hear how glad we are to see Lucy
(applause)
(applause)
- Oh
(invigorating music)
(applause)
Oh Jack, that was wonderful.
What a welcome.
- It was my pleasure.
- Well thank you.
- Lucy,
- What?
- I want to give you a little advice now,
as Dr. Quincy.
- What's that doc?
- You know the NBC commissary?
- No.
- Keep it that way.
(laughter)
come here doll.
- Thank you Jack, thank you.
(applause)
- [Announcer] Lucy willbe back with Bob Hope,
Johnny Carson, GaryColeman, and Gale Gordon.
- No, I am sorry Mr. McClay,
but I cannot give any interviews as yet,
this is my first day on the job,
and I'm very busy.
Thank you.
Wanda?
- Yes Ms. Ball.
- Who's turn is it?
- It's mine.
- Okay.
(laughter)
Uh, oh.
You rolled a two, one, you're on the bar
and boy are you in trouble.
(laughter)
(knock on the door)
Who that?
- Here's Johnny.
(cheers)
(laughter)
- Johnny Carson.
- Oh, Lucy, how are you?
- Johnny what a wonderful surprise.
- Well you know it's a delightful surprise
to see you here at NBC.
- I was just going to saythe same thing about you.
(laughter)
- Lucy I happen to work here.
- Oh really?
- I got a court order to prove it.
(laughter)
How did they snag you?
Did you loose a pro bowl bet or something?
What?
- Oh, John, you're so frequently witty.
(laughter)
No, I just decided to go back to work.
- Yeah
- Do you know how excitingit is to make a comeback?
- I make one every Wednesday night.
(laughter)
You know Lucy, you're return to Television
is the most excitingthing that's happened here
in Burbank since theylifted the odd even days
on the supermarket prune line.
(laughter)
- There you go hitting uppoor little Burbank again.
- Can I help it ifBurbank's the only place
where the Avon lady sell pacemakers.
(laughter)
I tell you what, enough of liver spots.
- Yeah.
- I'm really, I'm reallydelighted to see you
back on the tube performing again.
- Wrong, guest host breath.
- What?
(laughter)
- I am not going to perform.
I'm here strictly as a producer.
Yeah, it's a dirty rotten thankless job
but somebody's got to do it.
- Don't tell me you'rethe one that's got to find
the new pilot for Don Rickles?
(laughter)
- No, I'm here to do a comedy show.
- Freddy Silverman mustthink a lot of you,
this is really some kind of office.
- Isn't it.
Three color TV sets,
wall to wall stereo.
(horn)
Oh, quite Clyde.
- Clyde?
- Yeah, Freddy even gave me a live peacock
to remind me that I'm now with NBC.
(laughter)
(applause)
- You're very own peacock?
- My very own.
- Would you save me one of the eggs?
(laughter)
- Peahens lay eggs, not peacocks.
- You don't know the NBC peacock.
Many eggs all over yeah.
Lucy now that you're a producer,
you've very luck I stopped by.
Because I happen to havewith me this little pamphlet,
that tells you exactlyhow to be a successful
television producer.
Everything
(laughter)
you ever wanted to know aboutproducing a television show
is right here in these four pages,
would you like to hear some of them?
- Do I have a choice?
- Is Dolly Parton undernourished?
(laughter)
- Okay, fire away.
- First rule is right here.
Always hire the rightactor for the right job.
For example if you're doing a,
oh a show about and Olympic poll vaulter,
immediately you do not hire Orson Wells.
(laughter)
- I'll try to remember that.
- Alright, here's another one right here.
No star, no star is indispensable.
Now even when MiltonBerle was Mr. Television,
the network gave him the pink slip.
- Yeah, and he's still wearing it.
(laughter)
- Yeah, but he's cut downon the makeup, you know.
Now the most importantthing of all right here,
is to stay within your budget.
- Oh, you are so right.
You know, it's absolutely ridiculous
what some of these stars get paid
just for showing up.
(laughter)
Oh, not you Johnny.
(applause)
No, no you deserve every penny.
- Yeah.
- You keep more people up at night
than Mexican food.
(laughter)
- You hear that Freddy.
I'll be right over,
we're going to playtrick or treat tonight.
(laughter)
Hey Lucy, good talk,
so long.
- Thank you, thank you.
(applause)
Wanda?
- [Wanda] Yes Ms. Ball?
- Who's turn is it now?
- [Wanda] It's yours.
But there's a Mr. Coleman here to see you.
- Coleman?
- [Wanda] Yes, he's oneof the Vice President's
of the network.
- Oh, well, send him in then.
- Ms. Ball, Mr. Coleman.
(laughter)
- Where?
- Here my dear.
(laughter)
- Gary Coleman.
- These are for you.
Welcome to Burbank.
- Oh, thank you, that's so nice of you.
And they're lovely.
Wanda, give them a drink of water,
will you dear?
- They're not thirsty,
they're hungry.
Give them a pizza.
(laughter)
- Oh Gary,
you are so cute.
No wonder you're the starof Different Strokes.
- That's just part time work.
I'm now in charge of allprime time programming.
(laughter)
- You are putting me on.
- Ms. Ball, in my job, Icannot only put you on,
I can take you off.
(laughter)
- Ugh, how long have youbeen a vice president Gary?
- Since the last board meeting.
Half the board insisted NBC executives
should be young peoplewith wild imaginations,
and the other half held on for veterans
with wisdom and experience.
- Well sounds like hiring you and me
was Fred's way of placating both sides.
- You got it girl.
(laughter)
Your wild imagination andmy wisdom and experience.
(laughter)
- You're experience?
- Let's face it Lucy,
you're brand new here,
and I've been with NBCfor two whole years.
(laughter)
- Two whole years.
- It may not sound like much to you,
but that's practicallymy whole adult life.
(laughter)
- Young man, do you have any idea how long
I have been in show business?
- No.
- Gonna be a great pleasureworking with you Gary.
(applause)
- Good, now, let's sit down
and I'll tell you what we're going to do.
- Pleasure.
(laughter)
- Now then,
after a lot of study and thought
I have come to the conclusion
that the thing television does best
is take old ideas anddo them as new shows.
- Uh huh, you mean update them,
and recast them with new faces.
- Right, you're mind's not out to lunch.
(laughter)
- Thank you.
- Now then.
What I want you to do is take an oldie,
then bring in some young artist
who can offer the public
what I call T and A.
(laughter)
- T and A?
- Talent and Ambition.
- Oh.
(laughter)
By all means, yes.
- Country's full ofkids who can bring back
the kind of show business we need.
Funny kids,
who know how to move, and dance.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Oh, Gary you're absolutely wonderful.
And I want to thank you forall of your sage advice.
- That's why I'm here Lucy,
to help you new producers.
(laughter)
Now excuse me, I've got to run.
- Oh, got another meeting?
- Yeah, oh, before I leave,
you mind if I do something?
- No, what?
- Well, I've wanted to do thisfrom the minute I saw you.
You're so adorable.
(laughter)
(buzzer)
- Yeah Wanda?
- [Wanda] Ms. Ball, youhave a very special visitor
who just came in.
- Who is it?
♫ Oh thanks for the memories
(applause)
- Bob Hope.
(applause)
- Hello Lucy.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
♫ Thanks for the memory
♫ Of all the parts you've played
♫ In pictures we have made
♫ Each rave review I sent to you
♫ Instead of getting paid,
♫ How thrifty you were
(laughter)
- Me thrifty?
- Yes,
- How about you, I didn't know Jesse James
had a sister.
(laughter)
- Well now don't stop now.
Finish the song, go ahead.
- No, not now.
We'll finish it on oneof my specials, huh.
I just stopped by tocongratulate you on your new job.
- Well thank you Robert.
- Hey who's office is this?
- Well it's mine.
- Oh, very plush.
Looks like a branch of myfavorite savings and loan.
(laughter)
- Yeah, well I've seen your office Bob.
It's not exactly Ms. Piggy's play pen.
(laughter)
- You mean the Taj Mahal in Toluca Lake?
Hey, we both come a long waysince we first met Lucy, huh?
- Haven't we.
I was a naive young Goldwyn girl
sharing a dressing roomwith about 20 others
and you,
- Yeah, I was an eager young comedian
looking for the pot atthe end of the rainbow.
- Yeah.
And we both made it.
I have an office of my own,
and you got the pot.
(laughter)
- Now wait a minute.
Don't fondle the flab please.
(laughter)
When I get home Delorisdusts me for fingerprints.
(laughter)
- Bob, is Deloris really jealous of,
- Jealous of what?
- Well that's what I'mtrying to figure out.
(laughter)
- Oh this is just what we needed,
another funny executive at NBC.
(laughter)
Lucy Silverman, say,
(laughter)
I can't wait to see your new show, baby,
that's all I dropped by.
- Oh thank you, Bob.
- Bye, bye honey, bye bye.
(applause)
(cheers)
- Ms. Ball,
- Yes?
- The personnel manager just called
to ask if there's anyonespecial you'd like
for your production assistant.
- Oh, that's a very important job.
I want an executive type whoknows how to make decisions.
I want to give that some thought.
- And, the supervisor called
to find out if parkingspace should be painted
to read "Lucy" or "Lucille Ball"
- Well when I hire my assistant,
I'll let him make that decision.
(laughter)
- Oh, yes, and there'sa Mr. Gordon to see you.
- Gordon?
Gale?
Gale Gordon?
(applause)
- Oh, Lucy.
I am so proud of you.
- Thank you.
- My little Lucy, now abig television producer.
Oh, that's the kind of challenge
that makes me envy you.
- Envy me?
- Yes, going from acting to producing.
I think it's wonderful.
Tell me, now what kind ofshows are you planning?
- Well one of my ideas is toget some exciting newcomers,
you know, and surround them with great,
experienced performers who,
you know, still have somesnap left in their bubblegum.
(laughter)
- I know what you mean.
People who know there craft.
- Right.
- Not old fogies like me,
but who are still able to do things
like Yahaa!
(drumming)
(applause)
But where would you find anyone
with that much snap in his bubblegum?
(laughter)
- I think I have.
- Oh?
- Did you see today's Variety?
- No, no.
- Come here.
Listen to this,
Donald O'Connor,
star of stage, screen, and television,
who started out as a childperformer in Vaudeville,
is making a triumphantreturn to his first love,
performing for a live audience.
O'Connor debuts his new act tomorrow night
at the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco.
- Oh, Donald O'Connor,what a tremendous talent.
- Yeah, fantastic isn't he?
You know I've adored his work
ever since we werechildren together at MGM.
Well he was a children.
I was, well never mind.
(laughter)
Anyway as soon as he gets back to town,
I'm going to grab himfor my very first show.
- Lucy, if you are smart,
you'll get up there and signhim before somebody else does.
- Oh, good thinking.
Boy, I sure wish I had someonelike you for my assistant.
- Could I have an instant replay on that?
(laughter)
- Oh, I mean I have a position open
for a production assistant.
- You have, you have, you have, have?
(laughter)
Really?
- Yeah, but Gale, itwouldn't be right for you.
- Why wouldn't it?
Why, why, why wouldn't, why?
(laughter)
- Gale, I'd feel awkwardhaving you as my assistant.
After all Gale, I playedyour secretary for so long,
I'd be, I'd just feeluncomfortable giving you orders.
- Oh, nonsense.
When you played mysecretary on the Lucy Show,
you always gave me moreorders than I ever gave you.
(laughter)
- You mean you're reallywilling to be assistant, now,
- Willing and delighted
at the opportunity.
(laughter)
oh I will do anything.
I will wash you car.
I'll walk your dog.
- Gale, Gale, Gale.
Stand up, stand up.
(laughter)
Now first of all,
let's talk money.
- Oh, please don't evendiscuss anything like that.
- It's a deal.
(laughter)
Okay, and Gale with you as my assistant,
I can't wait to get started.
- Then don't just stand there,
get on the phone,
call the airlines,
get us on the plane forSan Francisco tonight.
- Uh huh.
- And contact the FairmontHotel about Donald's opening.
- Yeah,
- Then you better callmaintenance department
and get another desk set up here.
- Another desk?
- For you.
(laughter)
- Me?
- Have them put it in the outer office.
- Out there?
- Lucy!
- Yes, sir.
(laughter)
- Ms. Ball.
- What?
- They're calling againabout your parking space.
They want to know is it going to be "Lucy"
or "Lucille Ball"?
- Well, tell them it'sthe same old "Lucy".
- Move.
(laughter)
(applause)
- [Announcer] Lucy will return with Gale
to meet Gene Kelly,
and to dance with Donald O'Connor.
- Oh, isn't this place beautiful.
Gene Kelly.
(applause)
- Lucy.
Hi Gale.
- Hi.
- Well, what are you doingup here in San Francisco?
- Well I just flew up tointroduce Donald O'Connor
for his opening.
We're old friends you know.
- Oh, I know.
Who ever forget the twoof you singing up a storm.
(laughter)
- Some of us forget.
(laughter)
It was called "Singing in the Rain"
- Oh you made a sequel?
(laughter)
- Is that the only reasonyou're here Mr. Kelly?
- Well yeah, sure why?
- Oh well you're a big director,
I thought maybe you came up here
to sign up Mr. O'Connor for another movie.
- We never know do we.
- See you later Gene,
we want to get a bitebefore the show starts.
- We've got to get to Donaldbefore Kelly grabs him.
- You're right, you're right.
I'll see him right after the show.
Thank you.
- May I get you something from the bar?
- Oh, I don't think weshould have anything to drink
before we talk to Donald.
- I think you're absolutely right.
I'll have two dry martinis please.
(laughter)
- I'll have the same.
(laughter)
- [Announcer] Ladies and Gentlemen,
Mr. Gene Kelly.
(applause)
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
it's my great pleasure to present
a young man who started in Vaudeville
at the age of two.
Sang and danced his way into the movies
with Bing Crosby,
and went on to make some ofthe most memorable musicals
ever put on the screen.
One of your favorite stars,
and certainly one of mine,
he proves that
we Irish, also have rhythm.
(laughter)
Donald O'Connor.
(applause)
(tapping)
♫ You know some guys come outand sing their golden records
♫ And the gals all scream
♫ And I don't mean perhaps
♫ I've never had any golden records
♫ But now I lay me down some golden taps
♫ Oh I remember dayswith Bing just singing
♫ Kept other singers up their toes
♫ And anything goes
♫ Cole Porter's music madeit happen like this song
♫ That kept me tapping with all those pros
♫ And anything goes
♫ I heard singing
♫ There was someone there
♫ Ethel Merman's voice would fill the air
♫ One high note andall the trees were bare
♫ I wonder why
♫ I wonder why
♫ I don't need analyzing
♫ That is not so surprising
♫ I feel very strange but nice
♫ I watch late television
♫ I got great double vision
♫ Seen Call Me Madame more than twice
♫ I was once young and older
♫ I need someone who's older
♫ A rub down with a velvet glove
♫ But before the night is gone
♫ And before I travel on
♫ Here's a song I'll always love
♫ I'm singing in the rain
♫ Just singing in the rain
♫ What a glorious feeling
♫ I'm happy again
♫ I'll walk down the lane
♫ With a happy refrain
♫ And singing
♫ Just singing in the rain
(tapping)
(applause)
(music from "Singing in the Rain")
(applause)
(applause)
(cheers and applause)
- Bravo, oh, he's wonderful.
(applause)
(cheers)
- Thank you.
I am wonderful.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen,
do you know I've beenvery lucky in my career
because I've had theopportunity to perform
with some fabulous ladies.
Like Debbie Reynolds, Gloria De Haven,
Ethel Merman,
and other talented lady,
who's in the room tonight.
- Oh, no.
- A beautiful redheadwho's a real superstar.
I'm sure you've watchedher show on television
thousands of times.
- Oh I hate things like this.
- One of the world's great comediennes,
- Why does he do this to me?
- Ms. Lucille Ball
(applause)
- Oh, gosh.
Oh, gosh.
Really you shouldn't have.
- Well now Lucy,
now that you're up here,
why don't you do a number for us.
- Oh no, no I couldn't, Don,
not on your opening night.
- Well if you don't want to.
- Donald.
(laughter)
Do you remember the numberwe did at the Faelian's?
- Which one was that?
- It was a few years ago.
- Oh yeah, that one.
- Yeah.
- Oh yeah, I've got it in the books.
- Have you?
- Yeah, Timmy, number six.
(applause)
♫ Pardon me miss
♫ But I've never done this
♫ With a real live girl
♫ Straight off the farm
♫ With an actual armful
♫ Of real live girl
♫ Pardon me if you're affectionate squeeze
♫ Fogs up my glasses and
♫ Buckles my knees
♫ I'm simply drown atthe sight, and the sound,
♫ And the scent and the feel
♫ Of a real live girl
♫ Pardon me miss
♫ But I've never done this
♫ With a real live girl
♫ Straight off the farm
♫ With an actual armful
♫ Of a real live girl
♫ (Muffled) pardon me ifyou're affectionate squeeze
♫ Fogs up my glasses and
♫ Buckles my knees
♫ I'm simply drown inthe sight and the sound
♫ And the scent
♫ And the feel
♫ Of a real live girl
(applause)
- [Announcer] When Lucyreturns with Donald and Gale,
there'll be a few surprises.
- Did you get a chance to tell Donald
that we want to talk to him?
- Yes, and he said thathe would come to the,
here he is.
- Oh wonderful.
- Donald, you were so wonderful.
Oh we just loved it.
- Thank you.
You know I'm so pleased thatyou and Gale came up here
for my opening.
- Oh, I wouldn't have missed it.
But now I have to hurry back to Burbank
and I want you to come too.
- What for?
- Donald, Lucy is a big producer at NBC.
- Really, well that's wonderful.
- Thank you.
- And she want's to staryou in a show of your own.
- Me, back on television.
- We really need you back Donald.
I want to get back to musicals,
singing and dancing.
Today television's sofull of sex and violence.
- Yeah, give the peoplewhat they yearn for.
Musical sex and violence.
(laughter)
- Well what we were discussing is a story
about a theatrical family.
A father, a mother, and their son.
- Yes, you know like that movie you made,
"There's No Business like Show Business"
That was super.
- Oh thanks.
Who've you got in mind to play my father?
- Uh, well,
I, we a,
we thought this time,
you might play the father.
- Oh.
(laughter)
- Well don't you think peoplewould believe you as a father?
- My own kids don't.
(laughter)
- Oh, you have children, huh?
- Oh yes, four, yes.
Two boys, a girl, and onewho won't tell us what it is.
(laughter)
- Well, in your show Donald,
I want one clean cut teenage boy
who sings and dances, andplays a musical instrument.
- Just leave it to us to find a good cast
and a good script.
Then after we check it out with NBC.
- What do you mean check it out with NBC?
- Well you know networks,
they're always surveying audiences,
measuring their
- Forget it Gale.
Forget it, I'm going totrust my own instincts.
The public is fed upwith computers deciding
what they're going to see.
(applause)
- I'm with you Lucy.
I like the way you think.
- Does that mean you'recoming with me to NBC?
- Indubitably.
- Oh, Donald, oh.
(chipper music)
(horn)
- Quiet Clyde.
(laughter)
- What was that.
- The NBC peacock.
Keep reading please.
Just keep reading.
- NBC peacock.
- Yes.
(laughter)
(horn)
(laughter)
- That bird's a nuisance.
- Keep reading please, just keep reading.
Will you shut up.
(laughter)
(applause)
Sorry.
- Thank you.
- Well hi there.
Finish reading the script.
- Oh just about Lucy.
Yeah, and it looks good.
- Well it should.
For you I got the best writer in town.
- Well I have just one little suggestion.
- Anything you want,
I'll fire the writer.
- No, I like this.
- Oh good.
- I like my wife being a band vocalist.
And we're retired running a music store.
Yeah, but why in Chicago.
Why not a nice quite little community?
- Like Burbank?
- No, no, all wrong.
- Burbank's perfect.
- I like Burbank.
I've always like Burbank.
- And I also think that our son
should be into contemporary music,
while we're still hookedon the big band sound.
- What a great idea.
Conflict.
Oh, you could cry your heart out.
- Well I see it more as a comedy.
- Right, laugh your heart out.
(laughter)
- Well I guess the nextthing for you to do
is to find someone to play my wife.
- Donald, I have foundthe ideal wife for you.
- Oh really, who?
- Ah, you practically beganyour careers together.
You worked as kids ina movie at Universal.
And later you were both at MGM,
where she became a star,
then she got married and raised a family,
and you haven't seen each other
in at least a dozen years.
- [Gloria] Hello Donald darling.
Remember our first datein the rumble seat?
Of course we didn't go very far.
Your mother wouldn't let youtake the car out of the garage.
- Donald O'Connor sayhello to Gloria De Haven.
(applause)
- Oh, Gloria.
- Oh, Donald, I just, I can't believe it.
- Wait a minute,
now let me take a look at you.
Why, you look absolutely sensational.
You know I've missed you.
- And I've missed you.
- Isn't Gloria perfect to play your wife?
- Well I've got news for you Lucy,
if my mom had let me takethe car out that night,
today this kid would wouldn'tjust be playing the part.
(laughter)
(crying)
(laughter)
- Oh boy.
- Well good morning everyone.
- [All] Good morning.
- I assume you've all met.
- [All] Oh yeah.
- Got your scripts?
- [All] Yeah, yep.
- Alright.
- Now a couple of the smallerparts haven't been cast yet.
So Lucy would you readthem for this rehearsal?
- Yes, and you read Mr. Tetley then huh?
- Tetley.
- Okay, now Donald is Wally Coogan,
Gloria is Carol Coogan,
and Scotty Plummer,
- I'm Scotty Coogan.
- Right.
Okay, now here we go.
First page.
I don't always wear these.
I just use them to find my contact lenses.
(laughter)
Alright page one, fade in, long shot,
Day, city of Burbank.
The exterior of a music store
known as Coogan's Music Mart,
owned and operated by aformer big band musician,
known as Wally Coogan.
(laughter)
(phone rings)
(laughter)
- Coogan's Music Mart,Wally Coogan speaking.
Huh, do we have a what?
Well I a,
well I,
just a minute, I'llcheck in the storeroom.
(laughter)
(loud rock music)
(laughter)
Scotty, there's a guy on the phone
- Dad.
- Don't talk back to me.
- Dad.
- Oh, oh.
(laughter)
there's a guy on the phone,
he wants a DCX Humbugger,
or whatever it is.
- Dad a Humbucker is anelectronic distortion
pickup for acoustic guitars.
- Oh really.
Nevermind.
Have we got one?
- We've got a whole shelf full.
- Alright well then take care of it.
- Sure.
But dad.
(laughter)
you aught to get with it,
and take an interest in the new music.
So you'll know what these things are.
- New music.
- Yeah.
- When I left the big band,
I opened a music store.
Trumpets, trombones, clarinets.
Now look.
Used up guitars.
Hundred amp amplifier.
Half a piano.
(laughter)
Every time you play,
my electric bill jumps higherthan my blood pressure.
(laughter)
Take care.
(loud rock music)
(applause)
(laughter)
Hey Lola, what's with the earphones?
- It's Earth, Wind and Fire.
- Oh, I don't care if it'sOlivia Newton and John.
(laughter)
Now will you please,will you do the books,
will you go back in the office.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you, rushed like always.
(applause)
Well.
- Hello, Wally.
Hello, Wally.
- Well Sister Hitchcock,
what can I do for you today?
- Well, some atheist kickeda hole in my tambourine.
(laughter)
- What a shame.
- Yeah, well I'm lookingfor an old fashioned,
inexpensive one.
- Well you're in luck.
I have one that's so old fashioned,
it's not even electric.
(laughter)
here, you can have this wholesale.
- Oh, bless your heart.
- And it's only 350.
- Oh.
Three dollars and 50 cents?
Oh.
Excuse me a minute.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Wally, Wally, did you see this?
- Hi Al, what's cooking?
- What's cooking?
I'm cooking.
I'm boiling.
I'm steaming, I'm sizzling.
- You're upset aren't you.
(laughter)
well what are you so burned about?
- About this item that they printed
in the paper this morning.
Look at this, Mrs. CarolCoogan, entertainment chairman
for the Burbank Political Rally,
announced that theentertainment will be provided
by her husband Wally Coogan,
and his musical Merry Men.
The group features localpiano bar favorite,
Al Cody, and other old time greats,
Speedy Novack, Go Go Benson,
Cookie Baker and Junior Collins.
- Yeah, well it sounds good to me Al.
- Good?
You like being called old time greats?
- Well let's face it Al,
we are great.
(laughter)
- I could beat out a disco tune
that'll make Donna Summers spring.
(laughter)
You, you used to lay a lotof slip on the slip horn man.
- Yeah, well that's you and me pal,
but let's be honest.
Now Junior Collins, now a senior citizen,
Speedy's dropped to second gear,
Go Go looks like he may go any minute.
(laughter)
And it's pretty sight
watching the way Cookie'sstarting to crumble.
(laughter)
- Yeah but Wally.
- Look the most importantthing is that you and me,
we can still make music.
And Friday night we'll make that cat
eat that old timer line.
- You're right man.
Later man.
I got a date with my hairstylist.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Hairstylist?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm getting a new toupee
that makes a guy prematurely gray.
(laughter)
Give me some skin.
- You've got enough already.
- Oh come on.
(laughter)
- Give me some heel.
Give me some sole.
- Sole.
- See you later alligator.
- In a while crocodile.
- Crazy.
(applause)
- Whoo wee, I just lovethat old time jive.
You must have been the real groovy roony
to cut a rug while you jut a bug,
and swing and sway with Sammy K.
(laughter)
- Well it sure beats trying to dance
with that hooey, of David Bowie.
(laughter)
Now look Ivory,
you're late to work again.
- Sorry about that chief,
but I had a very big evening.
I wound up with the raisin in the snow.
(laughter)
- What's a raisin in the snow?
- That's a black chick withan apartment in the marina.
(laughter)
- Sounds like she's wellhealed, she got money?
- She must have.
I can't find my wallet.
(laughter)
- Well here you are Wally.
Three dollars and 50 cents.
(laughter)
- Well that be 21 cents sales tax.
- Oh.
(laughter)
Another penny.
Thank you, thank you Wally.
You're a nice man.
(applause)
bless you all.
(applause)
- Whoa, I thought youpoliticians only kissed babies.
- I thought that was one.
(laughter)
That's my new aftershave,
tiny tush.
(laughter)
- Honey, I just came byto put this on display.
And to give this littlereminder to Scotty to register.
Now that he's turning18, he can vote you know.
- Oh big deal.
Kids grow up fast enough.
At 18 they're still innocent,
trusting, open minded, beautiful people.
Why turn them intodemocrats and republicans.
(laughter)
- It's all part of growing up.
- Well kids are spoiled enoughwithout letting them vote.
- Oh, come off it.
How can voting spoil them?
- When Scotty was 12,he had his own TV set.
When he was 17, he had his own car.
Now he's going to have his own President.
(laughter)
- Look who's talking about spoiling him.
You just spent 25 hundreddollars on his birthday present.
- Well I just want him to realize
when we said he could have a motorcycle,
it wasn't the money.
Well you didn't want him tohave a motorcycle either.
- I know, I know.
It's just that, well Idon't want him to think
that we're a couple ofold square fuddy daddies.
- Well how could he think that?
- Well we're not gettingany younger, Wally.
- Well, nobody's getting any younger.
By the way, how old are you now?
(laughter)
- 36.
- Well you're getting younger.
(laughter)
- So I lied a little.
38.
- Well honey, if you're only38, that makes me only 39.
- Be my guest baby face.
I'll see you at home.
Bye.
(applause)
- [Announcer] The Lucille Ball Special
continues with more guests,
music and fun.
- Hey look after things Ivory,
I'm going to pick upScotty's birthday cake
and then head for home.
- What time do you want us over?
- Oh after you and Lola lock up,
wait about 40 choruses of Lazy bones.
- What tempo?
- What tempo?
Like so.
(applause)
- Hey Scotty.
I was just checking outyour dad's bank statements.
Look.
A cancelled check for 25 hundred dollars.
Made out to Brad Diamond.
- Brad Diamond.
From the guitar division of Yamaha?
- Yeah, he's a sales manager.
But we haven't ordered any guitars
for the last month.
Don't you know what this means?
- I know mama.
It means the chiefbought us something else
that they manufacture.
- Yeah, Ivory.
Like a motorcycle.
Oh wow, I can't believe it.
- Scotty, happy birthday.
- Oh, hey wow Lola.
You shouldn't have.
Wow.
- Well if it's too big, youcan always let your hair grow.
(laughter)
- And here's somethingto go with it my man.
- Oh Ivory, fantastic.
Thanks.
- If they're too big,let your knuckles grow.
(laughter)
- Hey out of sight huh dad.
- Oh they sure are.
Especially for a guy whodoesn't have a motorcycle.
- Yet.
- And now for our present.
We've got something thatwill make this evening
and your birthday a milestone
that you shall always remember.
- Hey anytime you're ready dad,
just roll it out.
- Look at that face Carol.
I've never seen him so surprised.
- You can say that again.
Dad I got a banjo when I was 10.
- This isn't just a banjo.
Honey, this one is a collectors item.
- Yeah, I paid 25 hundred dollars for it.
It was built and designedfor Eddie Peabody himself.
- Who's Eddie Peabody?
(laughter)
- Who's Eddie Peabody?
- Who's Eddie Peabody?
- Oh he was a banjo player.
- A banjo player?
Eddie Peabody a banjo player.
Was Nijinsky a hoofer?
(laughter)
Was Rembrandt a cartoonist?
Is the Pope Danny Thomas?
(laughter)
Eddie Peabody was onlythe greatest banjo player
that ever lived.
And on this very instrument.
(laughter)
- Gee dad,
it was just that I wasexpecting a motorcycle.
I mean my old wagon is so shot,
I only get 29 miles gallon.
- 29 miles a gallon's terrific.
- I'm talking about oil.
(laughter)
I mean if I'm old enough to vote,
I'm old enough to ride a motorcycle.
- Age has nothing to do with it.
We're worried about you getting hurt.
- Well after all, it's my body.
- It is not.
Your mother and I builtit before you moved in.
Now listen son,
if anything happened to you,
after I bought you a motorcycle,
I'd feel responsible.
- But if I got it on my own,
I'd be responsible.
- But where would you get money like that?
- Scotty listen,
I just thought of something.
18's not only the voting age,
its also when a person with a job
can apply for credit.
- You're right.
She's right.
I can get those wheels on credit.
- Now according to this young man,
you are applying for creditto finance a new motorcycle?
- Yes sir, that model.
That's the one I want.
- And excellent choice Mr. Coogan.
It says here you work for your father
but you don't state any salary.
I assume you receive one.
- Well not exactly.
- Not exactly?
(laughter)
- Dad gives me an allowance every week.
$35.
- That much.
(laughter)
Well I trust dear old dad will guarantee
this $2,000 loan.
- Oh no sir.
- No, no?
(laughter)
- He said I have to get it on my own.
- Oh, clever man.
(laughter)
Well, do you have any collateralto guarantee the loan?
- Collateral?
- Something of value,
real estate, stocks, bonds, meat.
- Oh I know.
I have something of value you can keep
til the bike's paid off.
- For example?
- A musical instrument.
- Oh, a musical, worth $2,000.
- It's no ordinary instrument.
It's a collectors item.
It once belonged to thelate, great Eddie Peabody.
- Eddie Peabody.
Wasn't he a banjo player?
- A banjo player?
You call Eddie Peabodyjust a banjo player?
Was Nijinsky a bush pilot?
(laughter)
Was Limburg a dancer?
Is the Pope Danny Thomas?
(laughter)
I can prove that banjo's worthat least 25 hundred dollars.
- How?
- I'll bring in the sales receipt.
And my dad's cancelled check.
Please.
- You don't have to kiss my ring.
(laughter)
Sit down.
Well, with that kind of verification,
and leaving the banjo here as collateral,
I think,
- Oh thank you Mr. Tetley.
You're one credit managerwho's a credit to credit.
- Thank you very much.
I was until you made apawn broker out of me.
(laughter)
well.
(applause)
- [Announcer] Stay tuned for Lucy
when Sister Hitchcock returnsfor the surprise ending.
- At last they take a C, an F,and the bass take an A, okay.
Carol, Carol, I've got a problemabout what to wear tonight.
- We're all wearing tuxedos.
- I'm talking about my hair.
(laughter)
I don't know which one fits the occasion.
- Gee, I've never seen this one before.
- That's brand new.
That's my Robert Redford, huh.
(laughter)
- You look more like Barbara Streisand.
(laughter)
- Come on.
- Well, it's you.
- Okay, thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.
- Honey, can I cut yournumber down to one chorus?
- What?
- Well this year, I'mcutting everybody down
to make room for anextra added attraction.
- And what is that?
- Well Al wrote an arrangement for Scotty
to do a solo on his Eddie Peabody banjo.
- Oh, oh, won't he be so surprised.
- Yeah, and honey,
I got another idea.
Listen, one, two, three, four.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Well you said if I got it on my own.
And the payments are only 90 a month.
- Well how'd you get financing?
- There was some red tape.
But I guess the credit manager figured
I've got an honest face.
Aren't you proud of me?
- Proud of what?
That our bundle from Heavenis now a Hell's Angel?
(laughter)
- Dad, I came in herehoping you'd be surprised.
- Oh we are.
- Oh, and we have awonderful surprise for you,
your dad and I,
you're going to be in our show tonight.
- With my group?
- Oh, are you kidding?
You're doing a solo onyour Eddie Peabody banjo.
- Isn't that exciting?
- Yeah.
Real heavy.
(laughter)
Gee, I don't think I ought to.
- Well why not?
- Well, it's just becauseit's kind of a big night
for you guys.
And well dad, it's nothing personal,
I'm just trying to protect my image.
- Protect your what?
- My image.
With the group that plays today's music.
- Now listen Scotty.
I've heard what you play,
and stop calling it music.
What these guys play, now that's music.
And when they play, theelectricity is in the artist,
not in their instruments.
(laughter)
And when they book a date,
they don't have to find out first
if the building is AC or DC.
(laughter)
- Dad, you guys are great.
But I want a chance tobe great with my guys.
Not playing a banjo at a gig,
where the groupies areplugged into hearing aids.
(laughter)
- Hearing aids?
If we're so over the hill,
how come this is the third straight year
that they booked us?
- I don't know, ask mom,
she's head of the entertainment committee.
(laughter)
- That had nothing to do with it.
- You don't owe him any explanation.
- Dad I didn't mean that mom,
- And you don't owe me any one either,
now, you just take, youjust take a 3000 bar rest.
(laughter)
And now you take it on the A D A.
- Right okay.
- I'd better split til he simmers down.
See you later mom.
- Ah, don't spoil your image
by kissing and old broken down groupie.
You might pop my hearing aid.
(laughter)
- A little rough on him weren't you?
- Not any rougher than he was on you.
- Well he was just backed intoa corner looking for an out.
- What do you mean.
- Well nobody extendscredit on an honest face.
This kid's either sold his banjo,
or he's hocked it.
- Okay, let's take it from the top Wally.
- One, two, three, four.
I always brag about how honest my son was.
How loyal my son was.
- I know dear.
- And now to see that kid of yours
pull a trick like this,
I'll kill him.
- My kid?
Why will you please listen to me.
Scotty is at an age now where he needs,
he needs your help and gentility,
not for you to yell at him.
- Well, alright.
I'll tell you what.
When I get home tonight after the show,
I'll have a heart to heart talk with him.
- Awe, that's good.
- And then I'll kill him.
(laughter)
One, two, three, four.
(band music)
- Carol honey, hurry it's your big finale.
- Oh I hope I get through this.
I'm just frantic about Scotty.
We haven't seen himsince 11:00 this morning.
- Oh, he's 18 now dear.
- But he's got a motorcycle.
(big band music)
(applause)
- Pull yourself together Carol, you're on.
♫ Gee it was great after being out late
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
♫ Arm in arm over meadow and farm
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
♫ We go along harmonizing our song
♫ Or I'm reciting a poem
♫ Owls go by and they give me the eye
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
♫ We stop for awhile, he gives me a smile
♫ I snuggles my head to his chest
♫ We start in to pet and that's when I get
♫ Her talcum all over my vest
♫ After I kinda straighten my tie
♫ I have to borrow his comb
♫ One kiss then we continue again
♫ Walkin' my baby back
♫ I'm walkin' my baby back
♫ I'm walkin'
♫ My baby back home
♫ Baby, won't you come home
♫ I'm on the whole day long
♫ All through the cloak and dial
♫ I'll pay the rent
♫ I know I've got you wrong
♫ Remember that rainy evening
♫ I go to your house
♫ Nothin but a fly to go
♫ No one to blame
♫ Ain't that a shame
♫ Baby, won't you please come home
(applause)
(cheers and applause)
- Didn't everything turn out just great.
- Oh super, just super.
- Hey mom,
would you and dad giveSister Hitchcock a lift?
- Oh I thought she came in her pickup?
- She loaned it to me to take Lola home.
My VW's back in intensive care.
- No motorcycle?
- He traded it in on a banjo.
- Oh.
- See you later dad.
- Good night.
- Still planning aheart to heart with him.
- Not me.
I know when I'm over matched.
You raised a good man sweetheart.
- I didn't do it alone baby face.
(laughter)
- Pardon me, Scotty said
you're going to give me a ride home.
- Help yourself sister.
- Oh, well how are you going to get home?
- Well it's such a nice night,
we'll walk.
♫ Gee, it was great after bein' out late
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
♫ Arm in arm over meadow and farm
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
(applause)
- Well there you are gentlemen,
that's my idea of entertainment.
What do you think?
- I like it.
- What do you think Gary?
- Uh, very good,
but I want some changes madebefore it goes on the air.
(laughter)
- Of course Gary, anything you say.
- Ugh, what do you mean anything he says?
I though you were running this network?
- He was until this morning.
I'm running it now.
(laughter)
- That's right Lucy.
- Oh boy, you were right.
Things change fast intelevision these days.
- Gary was nice enoughto give me his old job.
- Well, boy.
I can hardly wait
to see the next episodeof Different Strokes.
(laughter)
are the homes of many ofthe world's most popular
and instantly recognizablefilm and television stars.
On the left is the spaciousof the Henry Fonda's.
Over there is the estateof Jimmy Stewart's.
And right here in the corner,
is the house that the delightfulLucille Ball calls home.
- [Lucille] Hold it driver.
- [Driver] What?
- [Lucille] I want out.
- [Driver] Why lady?
- [Lucille] Because this is where I live.
(laughter)
This is my way of saving gas.
(laughter)
[Announcer] A Lucille Ball Special.
(applause)
Staring Lucille Ball.
With her guests, Bob Hope,
Johnny Carson,
Jack Klugman,
Gene Kelly,
Gary Coleman,
Co staring, Donald O'Connor,
also staring, Gloria De Haven,
Gale Gordon,
Sidney Miller,
and introducing Scotty Plummer.
(doorbell rings)
- Ah good afternoon.
- Good afternoon Chuchula,
I've go to see Ms. Ball.
- Is Madame expecting you Mr. Ruden?
- That's Luden,
not Ruden.
- I said Ruden,
you don't risten.
(laughter)
- Where is she?
- Oh, she is busy and cannot be disturbed.
- Oh yes she can.
This is more important than backgammon.
- How he know she's praying.
(laughter)
- Come on Lucy, make your move.
- Don't rush me.
- Well there's only one move you can make.
You've got to block her sixes.
- And who made you captainof the Kipising Team?
- Trudy, you know my lawyer, Mickey Luden.
- Oh, yes of course.
He got you off jury duty once.
Remember that Mickey.
- It was nothing.
Oh I merely explained to the judge
that she's
(laughter)
- What?
- Well any woman with your talent
who spends all her time playing backgammon
has got to have her head on hold.
Are you going to spendthe rest of your life
playing this silly game?
- It's not a silly game.
- Well it's silly when it's all you do.
There's more to lifethan playing backgammon.
- That's right.
There are swap meets.
(laughter)
- Swap meets?
- Yeah, where do you thinkI got this backgammon board?
(laughs)
- Now Lucy, it's a criminalact against society
if you don't give the world what it needs
now more than ever.
The gift that you can provide
better than any woman hasever been able to provide.
The precious gift of laughter.
- Oh, here, here.
- What are you talking about?
- Lucy, you've got to get upoff your big fat backgammon.
You're going back to work.
- Oh, no I'm not.
- Oh, yes you are.
- Oh, no I'm not.
- Oh, yes you are.
- Oh, you keep out of this.
(laughter)
I am not going back.
I've spent my entire life working,
I have earned the right totake life easy for a while.
I want to relax and enjoy myself.
- Now Lucy,
you've just,
- You're wasting your time Mickey.
You're just wasting your time.
I'm not ready to go back
to work anymore than Ruta is.
(laughter)
- I'd give my right arm for a good job.
- Now Lucy before you makeany irrevocable decisions,
I want you to do me a favor.
- What?
- I want you to meet Fred Silverman.
- Who's Fred Silverman?
(laughter)
- (Together) Who's Fred?
(laughter)
- He's a very importantbroadcasting executive.
He runs NBC.
Ugh, I'd give my left arm to meet him.
- You'd give your right arm for a job,
you'd give your leftarm to meet Silverman.
What do you want to play?
Venus De Milo?
(laughter and applause)
(doorbell)
- I think that's Silverman now.
I took the liberty of asking him here.
- You did?
- Yes I did.
Nevermind Chuchu.
I'll get it.
You know Mr. Silverman'sa little wary of Orientals
ever since he cancelled Kung Fu.
(laughter)
- You're wasting your time.
- Lucy, why not back into television?
- Look, all my old showsare running morning,
noon, and night.
And if I went back I'dbe so busy rehearsing,
I wouldn't be able to watch my old shows
morning, noon, and night.
(laughter)
- Ms. Ball, allow me topresent Mr. Fred Silverman.
(laughter)
- He runs NBC?
- This is a great personalpleasure Ms. Ball.
May I shake your hand?
- Oh, yes.
I'm really shook.
(laughter)
Oh, I'd like you tomeet my friend Ruta Lee.
- Hello.
- Ms. Lee, it is my pleasure.
- Oh, I hope you rememberthat when you're casting.
(laughter)
- Ah, Mr. Silverman,may I get you something?
A scotch and soda, bourbon of water,
milk and cookies.
(laughter)
- Nothing, thank you.
I'm satisfied just to bein the same room with you,
Ms. Ball.
I've been a devoted fan ofyours ever since you started.
- Oh, you had a TV set in your nursery?
(laughter)
(phone rings)
Excuse me.
Hello?
Oh yes he is.
Who's calling?
The White House?
The real White House in Washington DC?
You know anybody in the White House?
- I hope you don't mind.
I left your number with my office.
Hello?
Yes.
It's only the Vice President.
(laughter)
- Only the Vice President.
- Hello Fritz,
yes, that's what I told Jody.
Look, I'm sorry but Ican't give the Oval Office
an hour of primetime.
After all, that's only the White House,
not the Little House on the Prairie.
(laughter)
I'm sorry Fritz.
Goodbye.
It's not an easy job running a network.
- Oh you poor boy.
And you could be out at Malibu surfing,
or you could be in CentralPark roller skating.
(laughter)
- Ms. Ball,
Let me get to the point.
NBC needs comedy shows.
And there's nobody in theentire spectrum of entertainment
who has provided more comedy,
to more people for more years than you.
- Ugh, look, I've heardthat speech before,
and I appreciate it and all.
- I'm here to coax you outof your self imposed exile
from the public,
and help bring a smile
to the faces of all of those millions.
(phone rings)
- I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh, yes, it's for you.
- Not you, him.
(laughter)
It's the Oval Office, himself.
- The President himself, on my telephone.
- Hello?
Yes, Jimmy.
Yes, I did tell Jody and Fritz.
15 (voice cracks).
15 minutes Jimmy.
(laughter)
No, no, no, don't put Roseline on,
I can't talk now.
I'm in a very important meeting
with the First Lady of Television.
That's right, Lucy.
Well yes, I'll tell her.
Goodbye.
- Tell me what, what, what, what?
- The President said,
that of all the people who make him laugh,
you are his favorite.
- Oh, really?
Oh, I'm so flattered.
- You should be.
He's surrounded by clowns in Washington.
(laughter)
- Mr. Silverman, in spiteof all this flattery,
I have to tell you I am notgoing to go back on television.
- I don't want you back.
- Fine, because there'snothing you can say,
there's nothing you can offer me.
What?
(laughter)
- Lucy, all Fred wants is your expertise.
He wants you to producea new comedy for NBC.
- Me a producer?
- Yeah.
- Nobody knows more aboutmaking people laugh than you.
I want you to put together afirst rate half hour for us.
- And you can do it Lucy.
- Absolutely.
- You really think I can?
- I haven't the slightest doubt.
Just sign this contract.
(laughter)
- Oh, but this is so sudden.
I, I have to have time to think.
- Well don't think too long,
I need an answer by tomorrow.
- Why so soon?
- Well thing happen fast in television.
By tomorrow I might not be in it anymore.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(applause)
- Good morning Ms. Ball.
- Good morning.
- Welcome to NBC.
- Well thank you, thank you.
- My name's Wanda Clark,
and I am really lookingforward to working with you.
- Well thank you Wanda, what do you do?
- I'm your secretary.
- My secretary?
- Yes.
Though I must confess,
I don't type very well,
I can't take shorthand,
and I'm not very good at filing.
(laughter)
- Well do you play backgammon?
- Oh yes.
- You'll do.
(laughter)
And you know something I think
they should put anotherdesk in here for you.
- But this is my desk.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- You're desk is in your private office.
The workmen are just puttingthe finishing touches on it.
- Oh, it's magnificent.
Absolutely beautiful.
(applause)
- Lucy.
- Jack Klugman.
(applause)
Oh, aren't you sweet.
Oh, good to see you.
- What a morning I had.
I'm glad I got here in time.
- I time for what?
- Oh, I'm the honorarychairman of the studio's
hospitality committee.
And just as I drove in,
I was attacked by wild savages.
- Wild savages in Burbank?
- Haven't you ever seen thedollar 98 beauty pageant shows?
(laughter)
- What's that Jack?
- Something to welcome you to NBC.
Hit it boys.
♫ Hello Lucy,
♫ well hello Lucy
♫ It's so nice to haveyou here where you belong
♫ You're looking swell, Lucy
♫ You can tell Lucy
♫ You're so ball, and you're so crow,
♫ And you're still going strong,
♫ We feel the room swinging,
♫ For the fans playing,
♫ With a welcoming for you to NBC,
♫ So give a cheer fellas,
♫ Let her hear how glad we are to see Lucy
(applause)
(applause)
- Oh
(invigorating music)
(applause)
Oh Jack, that was wonderful.
What a welcome.
- It was my pleasure.
- Well thank you.
- Lucy,
- What?
- I want to give you a little advice now,
as Dr. Quincy.
- What's that doc?
- You know the NBC commissary?
- No.
- Keep it that way.
(laughter)
come here doll.
- Thank you Jack, thank you.
(applause)
- [Announcer] Lucy willbe back with Bob Hope,
Johnny Carson, GaryColeman, and Gale Gordon.
- No, I am sorry Mr. McClay,
but I cannot give any interviews as yet,
this is my first day on the job,
and I'm very busy.
Thank you.
Wanda?
- Yes Ms. Ball.
- Who's turn is it?
- It's mine.
- Okay.
(laughter)
Uh, oh.
You rolled a two, one, you're on the bar
and boy are you in trouble.
(laughter)
(knock on the door)
Who that?
- Here's Johnny.
(cheers)
(laughter)
- Johnny Carson.
- Oh, Lucy, how are you?
- Johnny what a wonderful surprise.
- Well you know it's a delightful surprise
to see you here at NBC.
- I was just going to saythe same thing about you.
(laughter)
- Lucy I happen to work here.
- Oh really?
- I got a court order to prove it.
(laughter)
How did they snag you?
Did you loose a pro bowl bet or something?
What?
- Oh, John, you're so frequently witty.
(laughter)
No, I just decided to go back to work.
- Yeah
- Do you know how excitingit is to make a comeback?
- I make one every Wednesday night.
(laughter)
You know Lucy, you're return to Television
is the most excitingthing that's happened here
in Burbank since theylifted the odd even days
on the supermarket prune line.
(laughter)
- There you go hitting uppoor little Burbank again.
- Can I help it ifBurbank's the only place
where the Avon lady sell pacemakers.
(laughter)
I tell you what, enough of liver spots.
- Yeah.
- I'm really, I'm reallydelighted to see you
back on the tube performing again.
- Wrong, guest host breath.
- What?
(laughter)
- I am not going to perform.
I'm here strictly as a producer.
Yeah, it's a dirty rotten thankless job
but somebody's got to do it.
- Don't tell me you'rethe one that's got to find
the new pilot for Don Rickles?
(laughter)
- No, I'm here to do a comedy show.
- Freddy Silverman mustthink a lot of you,
this is really some kind of office.
- Isn't it.
Three color TV sets,
wall to wall stereo.
(horn)
Oh, quite Clyde.
- Clyde?
- Yeah, Freddy even gave me a live peacock
to remind me that I'm now with NBC.
(laughter)
(applause)
- You're very own peacock?
- My very own.
- Would you save me one of the eggs?
(laughter)
- Peahens lay eggs, not peacocks.
- You don't know the NBC peacock.
Many eggs all over yeah.
Lucy now that you're a producer,
you've very luck I stopped by.
Because I happen to havewith me this little pamphlet,
that tells you exactlyhow to be a successful
television producer.
Everything
(laughter)
you ever wanted to know aboutproducing a television show
is right here in these four pages,
would you like to hear some of them?
- Do I have a choice?
- Is Dolly Parton undernourished?
(laughter)
- Okay, fire away.
- First rule is right here.
Always hire the rightactor for the right job.
For example if you're doing a,
oh a show about and Olympic poll vaulter,
immediately you do not hire Orson Wells.
(laughter)
- I'll try to remember that.
- Alright, here's another one right here.
No star, no star is indispensable.
Now even when MiltonBerle was Mr. Television,
the network gave him the pink slip.
- Yeah, and he's still wearing it.
(laughter)
- Yeah, but he's cut downon the makeup, you know.
Now the most importantthing of all right here,
is to stay within your budget.
- Oh, you are so right.
You know, it's absolutely ridiculous
what some of these stars get paid
just for showing up.
(laughter)
Oh, not you Johnny.
(applause)
No, no you deserve every penny.
- Yeah.
- You keep more people up at night
than Mexican food.
(laughter)
- You hear that Freddy.
I'll be right over,
we're going to playtrick or treat tonight.
(laughter)
Hey Lucy, good talk,
so long.
- Thank you, thank you.
(applause)
Wanda?
- [Wanda] Yes Ms. Ball?
- Who's turn is it now?
- [Wanda] It's yours.
But there's a Mr. Coleman here to see you.
- Coleman?
- [Wanda] Yes, he's oneof the Vice President's
of the network.
- Oh, well, send him in then.
- Ms. Ball, Mr. Coleman.
(laughter)
- Where?
- Here my dear.
(laughter)
- Gary Coleman.
- These are for you.
Welcome to Burbank.
- Oh, thank you, that's so nice of you.
And they're lovely.
Wanda, give them a drink of water,
will you dear?
- They're not thirsty,
they're hungry.
Give them a pizza.
(laughter)
- Oh Gary,
you are so cute.
No wonder you're the starof Different Strokes.
- That's just part time work.
I'm now in charge of allprime time programming.
(laughter)
- You are putting me on.
- Ms. Ball, in my job, Icannot only put you on,
I can take you off.
(laughter)
- Ugh, how long have youbeen a vice president Gary?
- Since the last board meeting.
Half the board insisted NBC executives
should be young peoplewith wild imaginations,
and the other half held on for veterans
with wisdom and experience.
- Well sounds like hiring you and me
was Fred's way of placating both sides.
- You got it girl.
(laughter)
Your wild imagination andmy wisdom and experience.
(laughter)
- You're experience?
- Let's face it Lucy,
you're brand new here,
and I've been with NBCfor two whole years.
(laughter)
- Two whole years.
- It may not sound like much to you,
but that's practicallymy whole adult life.
(laughter)
- Young man, do you have any idea how long
I have been in show business?
- No.
- Gonna be a great pleasureworking with you Gary.
(applause)
- Good, now, let's sit down
and I'll tell you what we're going to do.
- Pleasure.
(laughter)
- Now then,
after a lot of study and thought
I have come to the conclusion
that the thing television does best
is take old ideas anddo them as new shows.
- Uh huh, you mean update them,
and recast them with new faces.
- Right, you're mind's not out to lunch.
(laughter)
- Thank you.
- Now then.
What I want you to do is take an oldie,
then bring in some young artist
who can offer the public
what I call T and A.
(laughter)
- T and A?
- Talent and Ambition.
- Oh.
(laughter)
By all means, yes.
- Country's full ofkids who can bring back
the kind of show business we need.
Funny kids,
who know how to move, and dance.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Oh, Gary you're absolutely wonderful.
And I want to thank you forall of your sage advice.
- That's why I'm here Lucy,
to help you new producers.
(laughter)
Now excuse me, I've got to run.
- Oh, got another meeting?
- Yeah, oh, before I leave,
you mind if I do something?
- No, what?
- Well, I've wanted to do thisfrom the minute I saw you.
You're so adorable.
(laughter)
(buzzer)
- Yeah Wanda?
- [Wanda] Ms. Ball, youhave a very special visitor
who just came in.
- Who is it?
♫ Oh thanks for the memories
(applause)
- Bob Hope.
(applause)
- Hello Lucy.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
♫ Thanks for the memory
♫ Of all the parts you've played
♫ In pictures we have made
♫ Each rave review I sent to you
♫ Instead of getting paid,
♫ How thrifty you were
(laughter)
- Me thrifty?
- Yes,
- How about you, I didn't know Jesse James
had a sister.
(laughter)
- Well now don't stop now.
Finish the song, go ahead.
- No, not now.
We'll finish it on oneof my specials, huh.
I just stopped by tocongratulate you on your new job.
- Well thank you Robert.
- Hey who's office is this?
- Well it's mine.
- Oh, very plush.
Looks like a branch of myfavorite savings and loan.
(laughter)
- Yeah, well I've seen your office Bob.
It's not exactly Ms. Piggy's play pen.
(laughter)
- You mean the Taj Mahal in Toluca Lake?
Hey, we both come a long waysince we first met Lucy, huh?
- Haven't we.
I was a naive young Goldwyn girl
sharing a dressing roomwith about 20 others
and you,
- Yeah, I was an eager young comedian
looking for the pot atthe end of the rainbow.
- Yeah.
And we both made it.
I have an office of my own,
and you got the pot.
(laughter)
- Now wait a minute.
Don't fondle the flab please.
(laughter)
When I get home Delorisdusts me for fingerprints.
(laughter)
- Bob, is Deloris really jealous of,
- Jealous of what?
- Well that's what I'mtrying to figure out.
(laughter)
- Oh this is just what we needed,
another funny executive at NBC.
(laughter)
Lucy Silverman, say,
(laughter)
I can't wait to see your new show, baby,
that's all I dropped by.
- Oh thank you, Bob.
- Bye, bye honey, bye bye.
(applause)
(cheers)
- Ms. Ball,
- Yes?
- The personnel manager just called
to ask if there's anyonespecial you'd like
for your production assistant.
- Oh, that's a very important job.
I want an executive type whoknows how to make decisions.
I want to give that some thought.
- And, the supervisor called
to find out if parkingspace should be painted
to read "Lucy" or "Lucille Ball"
- Well when I hire my assistant,
I'll let him make that decision.
(laughter)
- Oh, yes, and there'sa Mr. Gordon to see you.
- Gordon?
Gale?
Gale Gordon?
(applause)
- Oh, Lucy.
I am so proud of you.
- Thank you.
- My little Lucy, now abig television producer.
Oh, that's the kind of challenge
that makes me envy you.
- Envy me?
- Yes, going from acting to producing.
I think it's wonderful.
Tell me, now what kind ofshows are you planning?
- Well one of my ideas is toget some exciting newcomers,
you know, and surround them with great,
experienced performers who,
you know, still have somesnap left in their bubblegum.
(laughter)
- I know what you mean.
People who know there craft.
- Right.
- Not old fogies like me,
but who are still able to do things
like Yahaa!
(drumming)
(applause)
But where would you find anyone
with that much snap in his bubblegum?
(laughter)
- I think I have.
- Oh?
- Did you see today's Variety?
- No, no.
- Come here.
Listen to this,
Donald O'Connor,
star of stage, screen, and television,
who started out as a childperformer in Vaudeville,
is making a triumphantreturn to his first love,
performing for a live audience.
O'Connor debuts his new act tomorrow night
at the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco.
- Oh, Donald O'Connor,what a tremendous talent.
- Yeah, fantastic isn't he?
You know I've adored his work
ever since we werechildren together at MGM.
Well he was a children.
I was, well never mind.
(laughter)
Anyway as soon as he gets back to town,
I'm going to grab himfor my very first show.
- Lucy, if you are smart,
you'll get up there and signhim before somebody else does.
- Oh, good thinking.
Boy, I sure wish I had someonelike you for my assistant.
- Could I have an instant replay on that?
(laughter)
- Oh, I mean I have a position open
for a production assistant.
- You have, you have, you have, have?
(laughter)
Really?
- Yeah, but Gale, itwouldn't be right for you.
- Why wouldn't it?
Why, why, why wouldn't, why?
(laughter)
- Gale, I'd feel awkwardhaving you as my assistant.
After all Gale, I playedyour secretary for so long,
I'd be, I'd just feeluncomfortable giving you orders.
- Oh, nonsense.
When you played mysecretary on the Lucy Show,
you always gave me moreorders than I ever gave you.
(laughter)
- You mean you're reallywilling to be assistant, now,
- Willing and delighted
at the opportunity.
(laughter)
oh I will do anything.
I will wash you car.
I'll walk your dog.
- Gale, Gale, Gale.
Stand up, stand up.
(laughter)
Now first of all,
let's talk money.
- Oh, please don't evendiscuss anything like that.
- It's a deal.
(laughter)
Okay, and Gale with you as my assistant,
I can't wait to get started.
- Then don't just stand there,
get on the phone,
call the airlines,
get us on the plane forSan Francisco tonight.
- Uh huh.
- And contact the FairmontHotel about Donald's opening.
- Yeah,
- Then you better callmaintenance department
and get another desk set up here.
- Another desk?
- For you.
(laughter)
- Me?
- Have them put it in the outer office.
- Out there?
- Lucy!
- Yes, sir.
(laughter)
- Ms. Ball.
- What?
- They're calling againabout your parking space.
They want to know is it going to be "Lucy"
or "Lucille Ball"?
- Well, tell them it'sthe same old "Lucy".
- Move.
(laughter)
(applause)
- [Announcer] Lucy will return with Gale
to meet Gene Kelly,
and to dance with Donald O'Connor.
- Oh, isn't this place beautiful.
Gene Kelly.
(applause)
- Lucy.
Hi Gale.
- Hi.
- Well, what are you doingup here in San Francisco?
- Well I just flew up tointroduce Donald O'Connor
for his opening.
We're old friends you know.
- Oh, I know.
Who ever forget the twoof you singing up a storm.
(laughter)
- Some of us forget.
(laughter)
It was called "Singing in the Rain"
- Oh you made a sequel?
(laughter)
- Is that the only reasonyou're here Mr. Kelly?
- Well yeah, sure why?
- Oh well you're a big director,
I thought maybe you came up here
to sign up Mr. O'Connor for another movie.
- We never know do we.
- See you later Gene,
we want to get a bitebefore the show starts.
- We've got to get to Donaldbefore Kelly grabs him.
- You're right, you're right.
I'll see him right after the show.
Thank you.
- May I get you something from the bar?
- Oh, I don't think weshould have anything to drink
before we talk to Donald.
- I think you're absolutely right.
I'll have two dry martinis please.
(laughter)
- I'll have the same.
(laughter)
- [Announcer] Ladies and Gentlemen,
Mr. Gene Kelly.
(applause)
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
it's my great pleasure to present
a young man who started in Vaudeville
at the age of two.
Sang and danced his way into the movies
with Bing Crosby,
and went on to make some ofthe most memorable musicals
ever put on the screen.
One of your favorite stars,
and certainly one of mine,
he proves that
we Irish, also have rhythm.
(laughter)
Donald O'Connor.
(applause)
(tapping)
♫ You know some guys come outand sing their golden records
♫ And the gals all scream
♫ And I don't mean perhaps
♫ I've never had any golden records
♫ But now I lay me down some golden taps
♫ Oh I remember dayswith Bing just singing
♫ Kept other singers up their toes
♫ And anything goes
♫ Cole Porter's music madeit happen like this song
♫ That kept me tapping with all those pros
♫ And anything goes
♫ I heard singing
♫ There was someone there
♫ Ethel Merman's voice would fill the air
♫ One high note andall the trees were bare
♫ I wonder why
♫ I wonder why
♫ I don't need analyzing
♫ That is not so surprising
♫ I feel very strange but nice
♫ I watch late television
♫ I got great double vision
♫ Seen Call Me Madame more than twice
♫ I was once young and older
♫ I need someone who's older
♫ A rub down with a velvet glove
♫ But before the night is gone
♫ And before I travel on
♫ Here's a song I'll always love
♫ I'm singing in the rain
♫ Just singing in the rain
♫ What a glorious feeling
♫ I'm happy again
♫ I'll walk down the lane
♫ With a happy refrain
♫ And singing
♫ Just singing in the rain
(tapping)
(applause)
(music from "Singing in the Rain")
(applause)
(applause)
(cheers and applause)
- Bravo, oh, he's wonderful.
(applause)
(cheers)
- Thank you.
I am wonderful.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen,
do you know I've beenvery lucky in my career
because I've had theopportunity to perform
with some fabulous ladies.
Like Debbie Reynolds, Gloria De Haven,
Ethel Merman,
and other talented lady,
who's in the room tonight.
- Oh, no.
- A beautiful redheadwho's a real superstar.
I'm sure you've watchedher show on television
thousands of times.
- Oh I hate things like this.
- One of the world's great comediennes,
- Why does he do this to me?
- Ms. Lucille Ball
(applause)
- Oh, gosh.
Oh, gosh.
Really you shouldn't have.
- Well now Lucy,
now that you're up here,
why don't you do a number for us.
- Oh no, no I couldn't, Don,
not on your opening night.
- Well if you don't want to.
- Donald.
(laughter)
Do you remember the numberwe did at the Faelian's?
- Which one was that?
- It was a few years ago.
- Oh yeah, that one.
- Yeah.
- Oh yeah, I've got it in the books.
- Have you?
- Yeah, Timmy, number six.
(applause)
♫ Pardon me miss
♫ But I've never done this
♫ With a real live girl
♫ Straight off the farm
♫ With an actual armful
♫ Of real live girl
♫ Pardon me if you're affectionate squeeze
♫ Fogs up my glasses and
♫ Buckles my knees
♫ I'm simply drown atthe sight, and the sound,
♫ And the scent and the feel
♫ Of a real live girl
♫ Pardon me miss
♫ But I've never done this
♫ With a real live girl
♫ Straight off the farm
♫ With an actual armful
♫ Of a real live girl
♫ (Muffled) pardon me ifyou're affectionate squeeze
♫ Fogs up my glasses and
♫ Buckles my knees
♫ I'm simply drown inthe sight and the sound
♫ And the scent
♫ And the feel
♫ Of a real live girl
(applause)
- [Announcer] When Lucyreturns with Donald and Gale,
there'll be a few surprises.
- Did you get a chance to tell Donald
that we want to talk to him?
- Yes, and he said thathe would come to the,
here he is.
- Oh wonderful.
- Donald, you were so wonderful.
Oh we just loved it.
- Thank you.
You know I'm so pleased thatyou and Gale came up here
for my opening.
- Oh, I wouldn't have missed it.
But now I have to hurry back to Burbank
and I want you to come too.
- What for?
- Donald, Lucy is a big producer at NBC.
- Really, well that's wonderful.
- Thank you.
- And she want's to staryou in a show of your own.
- Me, back on television.
- We really need you back Donald.
I want to get back to musicals,
singing and dancing.
Today television's sofull of sex and violence.
- Yeah, give the peoplewhat they yearn for.
Musical sex and violence.
(laughter)
- Well what we were discussing is a story
about a theatrical family.
A father, a mother, and their son.
- Yes, you know like that movie you made,
"There's No Business like Show Business"
That was super.
- Oh thanks.
Who've you got in mind to play my father?
- Uh, well,
I, we a,
we thought this time,
you might play the father.
- Oh.
(laughter)
- Well don't you think peoplewould believe you as a father?
- My own kids don't.
(laughter)
- Oh, you have children, huh?
- Oh yes, four, yes.
Two boys, a girl, and onewho won't tell us what it is.
(laughter)
- Well, in your show Donald,
I want one clean cut teenage boy
who sings and dances, andplays a musical instrument.
- Just leave it to us to find a good cast
and a good script.
Then after we check it out with NBC.
- What do you mean check it out with NBC?
- Well you know networks,
they're always surveying audiences,
measuring their
- Forget it Gale.
Forget it, I'm going totrust my own instincts.
The public is fed upwith computers deciding
what they're going to see.
(applause)
- I'm with you Lucy.
I like the way you think.
- Does that mean you'recoming with me to NBC?
- Indubitably.
- Oh, Donald, oh.
(chipper music)
(horn)
- Quiet Clyde.
(laughter)
- What was that.
- The NBC peacock.
Keep reading please.
Just keep reading.
- NBC peacock.
- Yes.
(laughter)
(horn)
(laughter)
- That bird's a nuisance.
- Keep reading please, just keep reading.
Will you shut up.
(laughter)
(applause)
Sorry.
- Thank you.
- Well hi there.
Finish reading the script.
- Oh just about Lucy.
Yeah, and it looks good.
- Well it should.
For you I got the best writer in town.
- Well I have just one little suggestion.
- Anything you want,
I'll fire the writer.
- No, I like this.
- Oh good.
- I like my wife being a band vocalist.
And we're retired running a music store.
Yeah, but why in Chicago.
Why not a nice quite little community?
- Like Burbank?
- No, no, all wrong.
- Burbank's perfect.
- I like Burbank.
I've always like Burbank.
- And I also think that our son
should be into contemporary music,
while we're still hookedon the big band sound.
- What a great idea.
Conflict.
Oh, you could cry your heart out.
- Well I see it more as a comedy.
- Right, laugh your heart out.
(laughter)
- Well I guess the nextthing for you to do
is to find someone to play my wife.
- Donald, I have foundthe ideal wife for you.
- Oh really, who?
- Ah, you practically beganyour careers together.
You worked as kids ina movie at Universal.
And later you were both at MGM,
where she became a star,
then she got married and raised a family,
and you haven't seen each other
in at least a dozen years.
- [Gloria] Hello Donald darling.
Remember our first datein the rumble seat?
Of course we didn't go very far.
Your mother wouldn't let youtake the car out of the garage.
- Donald O'Connor sayhello to Gloria De Haven.
(applause)
- Oh, Gloria.
- Oh, Donald, I just, I can't believe it.
- Wait a minute,
now let me take a look at you.
Why, you look absolutely sensational.
You know I've missed you.
- And I've missed you.
- Isn't Gloria perfect to play your wife?
- Well I've got news for you Lucy,
if my mom had let me takethe car out that night,
today this kid would wouldn'tjust be playing the part.
(laughter)
(crying)
(laughter)
- Oh boy.
- Well good morning everyone.
- [All] Good morning.
- I assume you've all met.
- [All] Oh yeah.
- Got your scripts?
- [All] Yeah, yep.
- Alright.
- Now a couple of the smallerparts haven't been cast yet.
So Lucy would you readthem for this rehearsal?
- Yes, and you read Mr. Tetley then huh?
- Tetley.
- Okay, now Donald is Wally Coogan,
Gloria is Carol Coogan,
and Scotty Plummer,
- I'm Scotty Coogan.
- Right.
Okay, now here we go.
First page.
I don't always wear these.
I just use them to find my contact lenses.
(laughter)
Alright page one, fade in, long shot,
Day, city of Burbank.
The exterior of a music store
known as Coogan's Music Mart,
owned and operated by aformer big band musician,
known as Wally Coogan.
(laughter)
(phone rings)
(laughter)
- Coogan's Music Mart,Wally Coogan speaking.
Huh, do we have a what?
Well I a,
well I,
just a minute, I'llcheck in the storeroom.
(laughter)
(loud rock music)
(laughter)
Scotty, there's a guy on the phone
- Dad.
- Don't talk back to me.
- Dad.
- Oh, oh.
(laughter)
there's a guy on the phone,
he wants a DCX Humbugger,
or whatever it is.
- Dad a Humbucker is anelectronic distortion
pickup for acoustic guitars.
- Oh really.
Nevermind.
Have we got one?
- We've got a whole shelf full.
- Alright well then take care of it.
- Sure.
But dad.
(laughter)
you aught to get with it,
and take an interest in the new music.
So you'll know what these things are.
- New music.
- Yeah.
- When I left the big band,
I opened a music store.
Trumpets, trombones, clarinets.
Now look.
Used up guitars.
Hundred amp amplifier.
Half a piano.
(laughter)
Every time you play,
my electric bill jumps higherthan my blood pressure.
(laughter)
Take care.
(loud rock music)
(applause)
(laughter)
Hey Lola, what's with the earphones?
- It's Earth, Wind and Fire.
- Oh, I don't care if it'sOlivia Newton and John.
(laughter)
Now will you please,will you do the books,
will you go back in the office.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you, rushed like always.
(applause)
Well.
- Hello, Wally.
Hello, Wally.
- Well Sister Hitchcock,
what can I do for you today?
- Well, some atheist kickeda hole in my tambourine.
(laughter)
- What a shame.
- Yeah, well I'm lookingfor an old fashioned,
inexpensive one.
- Well you're in luck.
I have one that's so old fashioned,
it's not even electric.
(laughter)
here, you can have this wholesale.
- Oh, bless your heart.
- And it's only 350.
- Oh.
Three dollars and 50 cents?
Oh.
Excuse me a minute.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Wally, Wally, did you see this?
- Hi Al, what's cooking?
- What's cooking?
I'm cooking.
I'm boiling.
I'm steaming, I'm sizzling.
- You're upset aren't you.
(laughter)
well what are you so burned about?
- About this item that they printed
in the paper this morning.
Look at this, Mrs. CarolCoogan, entertainment chairman
for the Burbank Political Rally,
announced that theentertainment will be provided
by her husband Wally Coogan,
and his musical Merry Men.
The group features localpiano bar favorite,
Al Cody, and other old time greats,
Speedy Novack, Go Go Benson,
Cookie Baker and Junior Collins.
- Yeah, well it sounds good to me Al.
- Good?
You like being called old time greats?
- Well let's face it Al,
we are great.
(laughter)
- I could beat out a disco tune
that'll make Donna Summers spring.
(laughter)
You, you used to lay a lotof slip on the slip horn man.
- Yeah, well that's you and me pal,
but let's be honest.
Now Junior Collins, now a senior citizen,
Speedy's dropped to second gear,
Go Go looks like he may go any minute.
(laughter)
And it's pretty sight
watching the way Cookie'sstarting to crumble.
(laughter)
- Yeah but Wally.
- Look the most importantthing is that you and me,
we can still make music.
And Friday night we'll make that cat
eat that old timer line.
- You're right man.
Later man.
I got a date with my hairstylist.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Hairstylist?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm getting a new toupee
that makes a guy prematurely gray.
(laughter)
Give me some skin.
- You've got enough already.
- Oh come on.
(laughter)
- Give me some heel.
Give me some sole.
- Sole.
- See you later alligator.
- In a while crocodile.
- Crazy.
(applause)
- Whoo wee, I just lovethat old time jive.
You must have been the real groovy roony
to cut a rug while you jut a bug,
and swing and sway with Sammy K.
(laughter)
- Well it sure beats trying to dance
with that hooey, of David Bowie.
(laughter)
Now look Ivory,
you're late to work again.
- Sorry about that chief,
but I had a very big evening.
I wound up with the raisin in the snow.
(laughter)
- What's a raisin in the snow?
- That's a black chick withan apartment in the marina.
(laughter)
- Sounds like she's wellhealed, she got money?
- She must have.
I can't find my wallet.
(laughter)
- Well here you are Wally.
Three dollars and 50 cents.
(laughter)
- Well that be 21 cents sales tax.
- Oh.
(laughter)
Another penny.
Thank you, thank you Wally.
You're a nice man.
(applause)
bless you all.
(applause)
- Whoa, I thought youpoliticians only kissed babies.
- I thought that was one.
(laughter)
That's my new aftershave,
tiny tush.
(laughter)
- Honey, I just came byto put this on display.
And to give this littlereminder to Scotty to register.
Now that he's turning18, he can vote you know.
- Oh big deal.
Kids grow up fast enough.
At 18 they're still innocent,
trusting, open minded, beautiful people.
Why turn them intodemocrats and republicans.
(laughter)
- It's all part of growing up.
- Well kids are spoiled enoughwithout letting them vote.
- Oh, come off it.
How can voting spoil them?
- When Scotty was 12,he had his own TV set.
When he was 17, he had his own car.
Now he's going to have his own President.
(laughter)
- Look who's talking about spoiling him.
You just spent 25 hundreddollars on his birthday present.
- Well I just want him to realize
when we said he could have a motorcycle,
it wasn't the money.
Well you didn't want him tohave a motorcycle either.
- I know, I know.
It's just that, well Idon't want him to think
that we're a couple ofold square fuddy daddies.
- Well how could he think that?
- Well we're not gettingany younger, Wally.
- Well, nobody's getting any younger.
By the way, how old are you now?
(laughter)
- 36.
- Well you're getting younger.
(laughter)
- So I lied a little.
38.
- Well honey, if you're only38, that makes me only 39.
- Be my guest baby face.
I'll see you at home.
Bye.
(applause)
- [Announcer] The Lucille Ball Special
continues with more guests,
music and fun.
- Hey look after things Ivory,
I'm going to pick upScotty's birthday cake
and then head for home.
- What time do you want us over?
- Oh after you and Lola lock up,
wait about 40 choruses of Lazy bones.
- What tempo?
- What tempo?
Like so.
(applause)
- Hey Scotty.
I was just checking outyour dad's bank statements.
Look.
A cancelled check for 25 hundred dollars.
Made out to Brad Diamond.
- Brad Diamond.
From the guitar division of Yamaha?
- Yeah, he's a sales manager.
But we haven't ordered any guitars
for the last month.
Don't you know what this means?
- I know mama.
It means the chiefbought us something else
that they manufacture.
- Yeah, Ivory.
Like a motorcycle.
Oh wow, I can't believe it.
- Scotty, happy birthday.
- Oh, hey wow Lola.
You shouldn't have.
Wow.
- Well if it's too big, youcan always let your hair grow.
(laughter)
- And here's somethingto go with it my man.
- Oh Ivory, fantastic.
Thanks.
- If they're too big,let your knuckles grow.
(laughter)
- Hey out of sight huh dad.
- Oh they sure are.
Especially for a guy whodoesn't have a motorcycle.
- Yet.
- And now for our present.
We've got something thatwill make this evening
and your birthday a milestone
that you shall always remember.
- Hey anytime you're ready dad,
just roll it out.
- Look at that face Carol.
I've never seen him so surprised.
- You can say that again.
Dad I got a banjo when I was 10.
- This isn't just a banjo.
Honey, this one is a collectors item.
- Yeah, I paid 25 hundred dollars for it.
It was built and designedfor Eddie Peabody himself.
- Who's Eddie Peabody?
(laughter)
- Who's Eddie Peabody?
- Who's Eddie Peabody?
- Oh he was a banjo player.
- A banjo player?
Eddie Peabody a banjo player.
Was Nijinsky a hoofer?
(laughter)
Was Rembrandt a cartoonist?
Is the Pope Danny Thomas?
(laughter)
Eddie Peabody was onlythe greatest banjo player
that ever lived.
And on this very instrument.
(laughter)
- Gee dad,
it was just that I wasexpecting a motorcycle.
I mean my old wagon is so shot,
I only get 29 miles gallon.
- 29 miles a gallon's terrific.
- I'm talking about oil.
(laughter)
I mean if I'm old enough to vote,
I'm old enough to ride a motorcycle.
- Age has nothing to do with it.
We're worried about you getting hurt.
- Well after all, it's my body.
- It is not.
Your mother and I builtit before you moved in.
Now listen son,
if anything happened to you,
after I bought you a motorcycle,
I'd feel responsible.
- But if I got it on my own,
I'd be responsible.
- But where would you get money like that?
- Scotty listen,
I just thought of something.
18's not only the voting age,
its also when a person with a job
can apply for credit.
- You're right.
She's right.
I can get those wheels on credit.
- Now according to this young man,
you are applying for creditto finance a new motorcycle?
- Yes sir, that model.
That's the one I want.
- And excellent choice Mr. Coogan.
It says here you work for your father
but you don't state any salary.
I assume you receive one.
- Well not exactly.
- Not exactly?
(laughter)
- Dad gives me an allowance every week.
$35.
- That much.
(laughter)
Well I trust dear old dad will guarantee
this $2,000 loan.
- Oh no sir.
- No, no?
(laughter)
- He said I have to get it on my own.
- Oh, clever man.
(laughter)
Well, do you have any collateralto guarantee the loan?
- Collateral?
- Something of value,
real estate, stocks, bonds, meat.
- Oh I know.
I have something of value you can keep
til the bike's paid off.
- For example?
- A musical instrument.
- Oh, a musical, worth $2,000.
- It's no ordinary instrument.
It's a collectors item.
It once belonged to thelate, great Eddie Peabody.
- Eddie Peabody.
Wasn't he a banjo player?
- A banjo player?
You call Eddie Peabodyjust a banjo player?
Was Nijinsky a bush pilot?
(laughter)
Was Limburg a dancer?
Is the Pope Danny Thomas?
(laughter)
I can prove that banjo's worthat least 25 hundred dollars.
- How?
- I'll bring in the sales receipt.
And my dad's cancelled check.
Please.
- You don't have to kiss my ring.
(laughter)
Sit down.
Well, with that kind of verification,
and leaving the banjo here as collateral,
I think,
- Oh thank you Mr. Tetley.
You're one credit managerwho's a credit to credit.
- Thank you very much.
I was until you made apawn broker out of me.
(laughter)
well.
(applause)
- [Announcer] Stay tuned for Lucy
when Sister Hitchcock returnsfor the surprise ending.
- At last they take a C, an F,and the bass take an A, okay.
Carol, Carol, I've got a problemabout what to wear tonight.
- We're all wearing tuxedos.
- I'm talking about my hair.
(laughter)
I don't know which one fits the occasion.
- Gee, I've never seen this one before.
- That's brand new.
That's my Robert Redford, huh.
(laughter)
- You look more like Barbara Streisand.
(laughter)
- Come on.
- Well, it's you.
- Okay, thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.
- Honey, can I cut yournumber down to one chorus?
- What?
- Well this year, I'mcutting everybody down
to make room for anextra added attraction.
- And what is that?
- Well Al wrote an arrangement for Scotty
to do a solo on his Eddie Peabody banjo.
- Oh, oh, won't he be so surprised.
- Yeah, and honey,
I got another idea.
Listen, one, two, three, four.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Well you said if I got it on my own.
And the payments are only 90 a month.
- Well how'd you get financing?
- There was some red tape.
But I guess the credit manager figured
I've got an honest face.
Aren't you proud of me?
- Proud of what?
That our bundle from Heavenis now a Hell's Angel?
(laughter)
- Dad, I came in herehoping you'd be surprised.
- Oh we are.
- Oh, and we have awonderful surprise for you,
your dad and I,
you're going to be in our show tonight.
- With my group?
- Oh, are you kidding?
You're doing a solo onyour Eddie Peabody banjo.
- Isn't that exciting?
- Yeah.
Real heavy.
(laughter)
Gee, I don't think I ought to.
- Well why not?
- Well, it's just becauseit's kind of a big night
for you guys.
And well dad, it's nothing personal,
I'm just trying to protect my image.
- Protect your what?
- My image.
With the group that plays today's music.
- Now listen Scotty.
I've heard what you play,
and stop calling it music.
What these guys play, now that's music.
And when they play, theelectricity is in the artist,
not in their instruments.
(laughter)
And when they book a date,
they don't have to find out first
if the building is AC or DC.
(laughter)
- Dad, you guys are great.
But I want a chance tobe great with my guys.
Not playing a banjo at a gig,
where the groupies areplugged into hearing aids.
(laughter)
- Hearing aids?
If we're so over the hill,
how come this is the third straight year
that they booked us?
- I don't know, ask mom,
she's head of the entertainment committee.
(laughter)
- That had nothing to do with it.
- You don't owe him any explanation.
- Dad I didn't mean that mom,
- And you don't owe me any one either,
now, you just take, youjust take a 3000 bar rest.
(laughter)
And now you take it on the A D A.
- Right okay.
- I'd better split til he simmers down.
See you later mom.
- Ah, don't spoil your image
by kissing and old broken down groupie.
You might pop my hearing aid.
(laughter)
- A little rough on him weren't you?
- Not any rougher than he was on you.
- Well he was just backed intoa corner looking for an out.
- What do you mean.
- Well nobody extendscredit on an honest face.
This kid's either sold his banjo,
or he's hocked it.
- Okay, let's take it from the top Wally.
- One, two, three, four.
I always brag about how honest my son was.
How loyal my son was.
- I know dear.
- And now to see that kid of yours
pull a trick like this,
I'll kill him.
- My kid?
Why will you please listen to me.
Scotty is at an age now where he needs,
he needs your help and gentility,
not for you to yell at him.
- Well, alright.
I'll tell you what.
When I get home tonight after the show,
I'll have a heart to heart talk with him.
- Awe, that's good.
- And then I'll kill him.
(laughter)
One, two, three, four.
(band music)
- Carol honey, hurry it's your big finale.
- Oh I hope I get through this.
I'm just frantic about Scotty.
We haven't seen himsince 11:00 this morning.
- Oh, he's 18 now dear.
- But he's got a motorcycle.
(big band music)
(applause)
- Pull yourself together Carol, you're on.
♫ Gee it was great after being out late
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
♫ Arm in arm over meadow and farm
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
♫ We go along harmonizing our song
♫ Or I'm reciting a poem
♫ Owls go by and they give me the eye
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
♫ We stop for awhile, he gives me a smile
♫ I snuggles my head to his chest
♫ We start in to pet and that's when I get
♫ Her talcum all over my vest
♫ After I kinda straighten my tie
♫ I have to borrow his comb
♫ One kiss then we continue again
♫ Walkin' my baby back
♫ I'm walkin' my baby back
♫ I'm walkin'
♫ My baby back home
♫ Baby, won't you come home
♫ I'm on the whole day long
♫ All through the cloak and dial
♫ I'll pay the rent
♫ I know I've got you wrong
♫ Remember that rainy evening
♫ I go to your house
♫ Nothin but a fly to go
♫ No one to blame
♫ Ain't that a shame
♫ Baby, won't you please come home
(applause)
(cheers and applause)
- Didn't everything turn out just great.
- Oh super, just super.
- Hey mom,
would you and dad giveSister Hitchcock a lift?
- Oh I thought she came in her pickup?
- She loaned it to me to take Lola home.
My VW's back in intensive care.
- No motorcycle?
- He traded it in on a banjo.
- Oh.
- See you later dad.
- Good night.
- Still planning aheart to heart with him.
- Not me.
I know when I'm over matched.
You raised a good man sweetheart.
- I didn't do it alone baby face.
(laughter)
- Pardon me, Scotty said
you're going to give me a ride home.
- Help yourself sister.
- Oh, well how are you going to get home?
- Well it's such a nice night,
we'll walk.
♫ Gee, it was great after bein' out late
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
♫ Arm in arm over meadow and farm
♫ Walkin' my baby back home
(applause)
- Well there you are gentlemen,
that's my idea of entertainment.
What do you think?
- I like it.
- What do you think Gary?
- Uh, very good,
but I want some changes madebefore it goes on the air.
(laughter)
- Of course Gary, anything you say.
- Ugh, what do you mean anything he says?
I though you were running this network?
- He was until this morning.
I'm running it now.
(laughter)
- That's right Lucy.
- Oh boy, you were right.
Things change fast intelevision these days.
- Gary was nice enoughto give me his old job.
- Well, boy.
I can hardly wait
to see the next episodeof Different Strokes.
(laughter)