#Lucky Number (2015) - full transcript

(film reel rolling)

(dramatic music)

*

(film reel rolling)

I haven't been
this beat up

since my Aunt Fifi's
bridal shower.

(male #1)
Guys, I'm gonna
make this right.

(male #2)
The ride's over, Bret.

(male #3)
Yeah, you're on your own, pal.

(Bret)
Oh, fellas!

Come on!



(upbeat dance music)

Who would've thought
a simple change

of phone number
could've caused

so many problems?

You actually thought
that you could use

my old number
and pretend to be me

for your own personal gain?

You moron!

(Bret)
Go right ahead, judge me.

Jules?

But to fully understand
the pickle

I got myself into,

I think we should
start from the beginning.

(Jules)
You hug the seam.



And you, big boy,

you go right
up the middle. Ready?

(blows whistle)

(male #4)
Yo man, no cuts!

(Bret)
Time out!

Hey, baby.

Aren't you supposed
to be at work?

(punk rock music)

*

(notification pings)

*

(male punk singer)
* We're the kids
in the school *

* Who get trashed
and we break all the rules *

* They try to drag us
to the office,

but what can they do? *

*

* We puff, puff, puff, suck

* A cigarette till
we've gotten enough *

* The teachers pulling
out their hair

'cause there's nothing
they can do *

* We're a problematic youth *

* Hey, hey mister

* We ain't goin' nowhere *

* Hey mister

* We ain't goin' nowhere,
nowhere, nowhere, nowhere *

*

* The tall boys
hit the streets *

* With such a ruckus
it awakens the trees *

* The dogs are barking
but it's our block *

* What can they do?

*

* We ain't goin' nowhere *

* We ain't goin' nowhere *

(Bret)
And that, my friends,

is how a guy catches
a class A case

ofthe stink.

(arguing)

(male #2)
Come on, this the box out.

Right there,
right there, boom, boom!

Oh!

(glass breaks)

(male #3)
It was--you didn't need that.

That's great.

One way to make
more room in the truck.

Nice.

(male #2)
Ah, piss warm,
but so be it.

(male #3)
Whoever invented yoga pants

deserves a Nobel Peace
of ass prize.

(sound of disgust)

What?

(male #2)
We gotta talk.

(male #3)
You got the stink,
Bretty boy.

And a mad motherfuckin'
case of it.

(Bret)
No kiddin'.

Ever since Jules
dumped my sorry ass.

(male #3)
Tell me about it.

That girl full-on puked
in her mouth

when she saw you.

All you have to do is be
confident in who you are

and you could have
anything or anyone you want.

(male #2)
Yeah, fake it till you make it.

Act like you're packing
a baker's dozen.

(phone beeps)

-That's your phone again?
-I'll check it later.

(male #2)
What, is that--
Oh, that's Jules, ain't it?

(Bret)
Just mind your own business.

(struggling)

(male #2)
Give it up, give it up,
give it up.

What the?

Holy shit!

Paz man!
Jules just sent Bret

a text of her
blowin' some dude.

(Paz)
Don't fuckin'
tease me like that, G.

(G)
"This one plays for the Jets,

and unlike you,
he has endurance."

Oh, that is grim.

(Bret)
It only happened one time.

It was supposed
to be a quickie.

(Paz)
Let me see it.

(Bret)
Give me my phone.

Topping it all off,

I was forced to wash
down the shit sandwich

of Jules cheating
by moving

to where the rent
was cheapest.

(female #1)
Hey boys!

Mwah!

Hey Ma!

Now, here we go, boys.

Thirty seconds left, G,

Check it, we're gonna steal
this game.

(G)
Keep counting
your chickens, son.

My Founders are
still up by one.

Yeah, but we got The Saint.

(Paz)
Yo, do your thing, cuz.

This is where Tyson St. James
is magic.

He's watching the clock
tick down.

Seven, six, five...

(announcer #1)
And The Saint goes hard
to the hole!

(cheering)

(chanting "Saint")

(Paz cheers)

Welcome back,
I'm Vance Avery

live from the Knights'
locker room,

and that was
a sizzle-riffic game one.

Philly came tonight
ready to play...

(Bret)
There he was.

My childhood idol.

A New York hero,
The Saint.

Living the dream
with millions of dollars,

a supermodel wife,

and endless talent
on the court.

Oh, thanks, Vance.

I feel, uh,
it was a good game.

You know, I've gotta
give all the credit

to my teammates,
the coaching staff,

our owner, Phil Page,

and, of course,
the big guy, God.

So, my son has the stink.

Go do something
about it, I say!

Look at these ball players,

not much older than you,
most of them.

And not a stinky
one among them.

Michael, he has a successful
landscaping business.

-Thanks, Ms. R.
-Garrett is a well-paid suit.

(G)
Thank you, Marie.

(Ma)
And you got bupkis.

Thanks, Ma.

Except a nice face.

And a silver tongue.

You wanna be
a sportscaster,

be a sportscaster.

(Bret)
It's not that easy, Ma!

(Ma)
Nothing's easy.

I took out a second
mortgage to pay

for six years of college.

And here you are
back at home unemployed.

(Bret)
I'll get another job.

What you need to get first
is a good girl.

Or just go out
and bang out an ugly one

and rebuild from there.

Thanks,
I'll get right on that.

Well, not with this
you won't.

Ladies pick up
on the little things

like duct tape

and disgusting BJ pics
from exes.

Well, Jules does have
nice breasts.

I'll give her that.

A skank's a skank.

Tomorrow when you go
job hunting in the city,

I want you to get
a new phone,

and a new number.

(breaks)

(Bret)
Mom, was that
really necessary?

I can't afford
a new phone.

(Ma)
Well, listen,
I am doing you a favor.

Go prosper.

And get yourself laid.

(quirky music)

(Vance Avery)
A little birdie told me
this in my ear.

Now, if New York
wins the finals

is it true that you'll
be donating

a million greenbacks
to charity?

(Saint)
You're good, Vance.

-Staged!
-Not!

(Saint)
But yeah, I've
agreed to donate

my bonus
to Jump Higher,

a charity formed by
our team owner's daughter,

Nikki Page.

Wave to the camera, boo!

(Bret)
Nikki was perfect

from the moment
I saw her.

Look at that girl.

But why would
a high-class girl like her

ever want a schmuck like me?

She deserved a prince.

Or a saint.

(Saint)
That was a nice plug
on the charity bit.

Very good.

(Vance Avery)
Oh, you betcha.

S Man.

Sure thing.

So, uh, you got
my kickback?

(intense music)

(Saint)
Have you lost
your mind, motherfucker?

Shut your mouth
and know your role.

Scar be in touch.

How 'bout the boss'
daughter, though?

Her shitty charity
is worth a million

if I get to tap
that ass.

(Vance Avery)
I'd be tapping.

(Saint)
Yeah.

(dramatic techno music)

*

Hey, hey baby,
what's going on?

(tiger growls)

(orchestral music)

Who are these whores?

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Son of a bitch!

"Congrats, daddy.

Let's hook up soon.

XOXO."

You pig!

Ah!

Goddamnit, girl,
that hurt!

I done told you
I don't know

who them bitches are,
I swear!

I had the same number
since my rookie year.

It's getting late,

I had a big night,

now come on.

Get in the bed
and let's celebrate.

Whoa!

*

Yeah.

That's what I'm
talkin' 'bout, baby.

Serve your king!

Yes!

Yes!

Ah, what the fuck, Gianna!

I told you I had
that phone

since my rookie year!

Well, now it's broke.

You need a new phone
with a new number.

And amore...

nopusetauntil
finals are over.

What? Wait a minute.

You know I can't function
without thepuseta.

(Gianna)
Well, too bad.

If I find you
cheating on me,

I ruin you right before
I take half your money.

Capisce?

I make love
to shower head tonight.

*

You fuckin' bitch!

(hip hop music)

(female #2)
Bret Reynolds?

As in the actor?

(Bret)
Uh, that's Burt Reynolds.

Okay, I'm supposed
to meet my friend.

Are we almost done here?

*

I want you to smack
yourself in the face.

-Hard.
-What are you talking about?

(Scar)
Then dunk
your head in the bucket

until I call you back.

All set.

My guy slipped
your phone into the system,

backdated six months
untraceable.

(female #2)
I just need to assign
a number. Wanna choose?

(Bret)
Wow, that's a lot
of options.

(Saint)
Damn, all my people
had that number.

Might take some time,
but I'll get the word out.

We'll rebuild.

(Bret)
That one.

Good choice, Bret Reynolds.

Just be careful 'cause Gianna's
keeping a close watch.

Maybe you should abstain
until the finals are over.

Abstain?
Are you serious?

I'm not like
other athletes, Scar.

I need sex.

My game depends on it.

(Scar)
I know, baby, I know.

*

(Bret)
It was a relief
to be free of texts

from crazy Jules.

But what I got instead
was a stream

of cryptic messages.

*

(Paz)
York House. Cool!

I've been kicked
outta there twice.

Nikki Page has always
been an obsession of mine.

If I can bang that out,

I know I can win
the finals.

(Scar)
On it. Meanwhile there's
an escort waiting inside.

Custom fit.

*

(Saint)
She know what she
signing up for?

Already paid her extra.

Room 1302.

*

That reminds me,

I should call this guy back

before he drowns.

(Saint)
Yeah, you do that.

(Bret)
That afternoon,
Paz helped me hunt for temp jobs

by calling around
to his buddies

in the Blue Collar Mafia.

You have no idea
how much power

these guys actually
wield around town.

Don't believe me?

Talk to the Deputy Mayor
when City Hall's

sewage pipes back up
next Thursday

and crap flows
like the Nile.

The mob can kill you.

But the BCM can make
your life miserable.

(rock music)

(G)
Yo, what's the emergency?

(Bret)
You're not gonna
believe this, man.

I get a text
on my new phone, right?

Telling us to go
to the York House.

Now, I think it's just
you messing with us,

but when we get there,

look what's waiting for us.

(angelic voice singing)

(Paz)
Gold bling
and killer bud, dude!

Stop playing.

(Paz)
Fuckin' sweet, right?

(Bret)
What do I do, G?

I just stole thousands
of dollars.

(G)
Stole? Bro!

This is a swag bag.

A what?

(G)
Gratis.

Rich people get
this shit for free all the time.

Keep it, dog.

Oh, that's pimp.

Really?

I'm not sure how I feel
about this.

(G)
Well, how about we test
out this stankity dankity,

and then see how you feel.

(glass clinks)

(Paz)
I'm in.

Just, if you were wondering,
I'm in definitely.

(Bret)
So, I did what any
red-blooded American would do.

Got high as a kite,

and by the time
we finished smoking,

my phone was blowing up.

Again?

This thing is non-stop.

(Parisian music plays)

(Paz)
I say we go.

(Bret)
That's because you're
stoned and stupid.

I say we return the phone.

(G)
What? Come on, yo.

This is Oz,
like the hottest club in town.

If you wanna meet
movers and shakers,

Mr. Sportscaster,
that is where to hang.

(male #5)
And what is your question,
monsieur?

(male #6)
So, I think my wife
is sleeping with a co-worker,

but it could also
be in my head,

because my numbers
are down this month,

and then he's killin' it.

What do you think?

Never look a butterfly
in the eye

when it's time
for bees to mate.

*

(male #6)
Yeah, mm-hmm.

Yeah, you're right, Henri.

Thanks a lot, man,
thanks a lot.

Here's something
extra for you.

Fuck that bitch.

(G)
Gotta love this guy.

He's the fuckin' Yoda of
hot dog carts.

(Bret)
That made sense to you?

(Paz)
Yo, you're next, ask him
about Oz.

(Bret)
Two foot longs with
mustard and ketchup,

and Henri,
I have a question, too.

Uh, so there's
this club like...

(Henri)
Time is a precious
flower, monsieur.

Allons-y,let's go.

(Bret)
Should we go to Oz
or should I return the phone?

(Henri)
It is what it is,
it be what it be.

Sometimes you're the dog,

sometimes...

you're the tree.

(Bret)
Okay.

(G)
Yo, yo, yo, yo!

My main man, Henri!

The usual. Will I--

(Bret)
Oui, monsieur,
you will get laid tonight.

Deux fois.

(G)
I told you!
Fuckin' Yoda!

(Paz)
Eh, Henri,
I already know

the key to the universe
is pussy.

So, I'm gonna get two dogs,
heavy on the kraut.

Thank you.

(Bret)
What have I got to lose?

(phone keys clicking)

(laughing)

(notification ping)

(club music)

*

Oz was everything
I dreamed it would be.

Where the pretty people
rubbed elbows

and various other
body parts.

The guy who had
this number before me

had a life that I didn't.

And right about now,
I needed.

*

(male #7)
All right, so your boy
told us to take care of you,

so we're gonna put you
in our prime seating area.

For real.

So, who's your boy anyway?

(Bret)
I knew this was
a bad, stupid,

dumb, moronic, idiotic idea.

Honestly,
I have no idea.

(male #7)
Good, kid,
way to keep it discreet.

Listen, the bottle's on us,
don't even tip.

And Big Sweat knows
he'll let you bring ladies up

from the dance floor.

If you need anything.

(snaps finger)

Have a good time.

(laughs)

She's cute.

(Paz)
She's like a Barbara Streisand,
but now.

My type.

Guys, I'm gonna roll
a few appletinis

and circle back.

And don't worry,

the Paz man...

has got it under control.

*

(female #3)
Listen, if you're not
gonna at least pretend

to try to impress me,
I'm never going home with you.

(G)
Hey, uh, how about
we head to my crib

and smoke a little cheba?

(female #4)
I'm in!

(Bret)
Okay.

Gotta find Paz,
let him know we're out.

(G)
Let's split up.

I got the girls.

And focus, son,
find your game.

Don't be stinkin' up
the stabbin' cabin.

Ladies.

*

(male #8)
Consider this to be
your lucky night.

(Nikki)
Get your hands off of me!

(Bret)
Hey, man, that's enough.

-Hey, who the fuck are you?
-That's enough!

(male #8)
I will end you.

(Bret)
Oh, yeah?

(snaps fingers)

(male #8)
Whoa, what the f--

(murmur of crowd)

(Nikki)
Hey, thank you.

(Bret)
Oh!

It, it's you!

(Nikki)
Do I know you?

(Bret)
No, no, I'm a...

(G)
Yo, Bret!

(dance music)

(male singer #1)
* Oh yeah,
shake it, shake it *

* Oh yeah,
shake it, shake it *

(Bret)
Oh no!

Excuse me.

(Nikki)
Yeah.

Thank you.

(Paz)
Hey!

Get over here.

Yeah, yeah!

(screaming)

(Bret)
No, Paz, not the dip.

(thump)

(Paz grunts)

(music winds down)

Okay, all right, buddy.

(Paz grunting)

(Paz)
I danced, I danced!

(Bret)
Yes, you did dance.

(G)
Yeah, man.

You did the cha-cha.

(Paz)
I danced, I danced.

(Bret)
You did.

(Paz grunts)

Wow.

This is his address.
You take the tunnel,

he'll wake up on route 3,
he always does.

Thanks!

Good night, buddy.

(vomit sounds)

(Nikki)
Hey, cute cell phone case.

Hey!

I wanted to thank you
for saving me

from Mr. Date Rape.

I owe you.

Bret, right?

(Bret)
Yeah, and you're Nikki.

How did you know that?

(Bret)
Oh, I saw you last night,

but, but not in a stalker way.

(G)
How you doin'? I'm G.

And I would like
to apologize

for everything he just said.

(Bret)
Yeah, I mean, on TV,
your charity.

(female #3)
Are we, like, going?

(female #4)
Or like, not?

Yes! Absolutely!

(muffled music plays)

Looks like you're
in for a treat.

(Bret)
Actually, the girls
are both going home with G.

(sound of indifference)

(wind whipping)

(G)
Later.

Wow.

(Bret)
You need a cab?

No, no, I'm actually
waiting for my friends.

(Bret)
Oh, cool.

You maybe wanna
go out sometime

with a fellow Knights fan?

(laughing)

(Nikki)
Oh, nice!

And you weren't actually
gonna go home

with Tweedledee?

(Bret)
Pft, nah.

(Nikki)
Because that would've been

a really big sacrifice

just to...ask me out.

(Bret)
Well, I am asking.

*

Wow.

A lot of unread messages.

(Bret)
Party invites.

(female #5)
Nikki, come on.

Don't lose my number.

(Bret)
Not a chance.

(laughs)

(Nikki)
Bye.

(Bret)
Bye.

Wow!

I couldn't believe it.

In a single day
I had partied

with New York's elite

and met the girl
of my dreams.

What other powers did my
new best friend possess?

(Vance Avery)
He brought the all-around game,

and The Saint played
the rim well

with eight rebounds
and 24 points last night.

The key thing is you
can't carry the whole load,

but he does promise
to give a million dollars

to the Jump Higher charity
for underprivileged kids.

So, stay tuned
because Philly

is back here on Tuesday

in the house
The Saint built

for game two
of the finals.

Holy shhhit.

Are you 100%?

(Bret)
I got 18 texts so far.

Five of them confirm
without a doubt.

(Paz)
Can you bitches please

bounce that ball
a little softer?

(Bret)
Trust me, guys,
it's The Saint's.

I don't know, guys,

as much as I loved
last night,

I'm thinking I'm gonna
go to the store today

and get a new number.

(Paz)
Are you nuts?
You struck gold!

(G)
Yeah, Paz man speaks the truth.

Score with this Nikki chick,

and take advantage
of the access.

(Bret)
Sure, until I get caught.

(Paz)
Why, you think The Saint's
getting these messages, too?

(Bret)
Nah.

It's gotta be an old number.

Getting texts from girls
wondering why

he's not responding.

(G)
Whoa, you're not responding?

(Bret)
And say what?

Guys, it turns out
that my childhood hero

isn't just secretly
a major player,

he is fucking Caligula.

(Paz)
That's crazy, yo.

With that primo
supermodel ass waiting at home,

I'd be ordering take in
every night.

(G)
Dude, you have to respond
to these texts

and keep it going.

What else has come in?

Well, let's see here.

Besides from
the nasty sexting

and the multiple
titty shots...

He just got a text
from a car dealer

offering to let him
test drive the new Bentley

for a month,
no obligations.

(Paz)
And I'd suppose
The Saint could, I don't know,

send over an assistant
to pick up the car?

No fucking way.

(cheering)

(hip hop music)

*

(screaming)

(G)
A black man
driving a Bentley,

I am going the speed limit.

*

(laughing)

(Paz)
It's a thing of beauty!

(G)
You are not lying.

It's so easy.

They just handed me
the keys and say,

"Say hi to The Saint."

(laughing)

All right, we need
some ground rules.

Gold phone
rule number one:

We only take
what's coming to us.

Gold phone rule number two:

we can imply
that we know him,

but we never use
The Saint's name,

not spoken,
not in text, nothing.

(G)
Mm-hmm.

(Bret)
And number three,

we don't steal anything.

All the offers
have to be gratis,

no strings attached,
just like the car, got it?

(Paz)
Totally.

Okay. Let's see
what this bitch can do.

(female singer #1)
* Couple of misfits
walking through life *

* With our middle fingers up
'cause we don't give a fuck *

* Just a couple of misfits
tryin' to get a quick fix *

* Selling our soul
for a buck *

* A couple of misfits
walking through life *

* With our middle fingers up
'cause we don't give a fuck *

* Just a couple of misfits
tryin' to get a quick fix *

* Sellin' our soul
for a buck *

(Bret)
The phone was magic.

It was opening doors
that my ass

could never open on my own.

Suddenly I had a surge

of newfound confidence.

I was the man.

In fact,
the phone had become

my secret weapon
to eradicate the stink.

(Bret and Paz)
Three, two, one!

(screaming)

(G)
Zip, you can't talk shit.

Until you, until you know

how to play some basketball,
you can't talk!

If Rebus would've played
it would've been great.

(Paz)
"If Rebus would've played,"

if Rebus would've played."

The Founders,
Founders are

about as good
as the gum on my shoe.

(G)
If Rebus was playing
we would've won that game.

(Paz)
Oh yeah, if Rebus was playing
we would've won that...

(G)
He would've won that game!

(Paz)
If Moses would've
split the ocean!

(photographer)
That's great,
big smiles everyone.

(Nikki)
Thank you so much for having us
in your home.

Anything for you
and the kids, Nikki.

(Nikki)
And again, I am so sorry
that your secret got out there.

I've, I've grilled everybody
at the charity,

but I can't seem
to get a culprit.

(Saint)
Sports reporters
can play dirty.

But look on the bright side,
it frees me up

to do more publicity
for you.

(Nikki)
Oh, thanks.

All right, that's it.

So, kids, let's wave
goodbye to The Saint.

(kids)
Bye!

(Nikki)
Bye, guys!

-So precious.
-So cute!

(Saint)
Yes, they are the future.

Hey! How about
we exchange numbers.

I, uh, have this
event later,

if you wanna join.

(Nikki)
Oh, I, I would,
but I have...

(Saint)
A hot date?

(Nikki)
Kind of.

But really,
thank you so much,

you really are amazing.

And, um, I hope
you and Gianna

have fun tonight.

(Saint)
Thanks, bye.

"Hope you and Gianna
have fun tonight, bye."

Looks like Page's
little girl

is playing hard to get.

(Scar)
You can't just go
full force like that.

You've gotta
grease her up first.

(Saint)
I did, why the hell you
think I'm doing

this charity bullshit?

(Scar)
Last I heard Nikki
didn't have a man.

I'll find out what changed.

(Saint)
Well, do it and do it fast.

Five days without a nut
is draining my battery.

I need, I need it.

(Scar)
Shh.

I'm trying.

(Saint)
Make something happen.

'Cause I need
to recharge my mojo.

Soon.

(crow squawks)

(Scar)
How's this?

You'll be at Gianna's
fashion show Friday, right?

(Saint)
Unfortunately, why?

(Scar)
We use it as cover.

When the show starts,
Gianna will be on the runway.

For the next 30 minutes,
you can play out

any fantasy you like.

I'll reserve a private
room in the basement.

I've used it before.

(Saint)
All right, fine.

Get me three girls,
Neapolitan style,

and make sure they know
what they're up for.

(Scar)
Circus is coming to town?

(Saint)
Goddamn right.

(orchestral music)

(Bret)
We'll have your best
caviar with the cabernet

while we decide on entrées.

(phone vibrates)

(male server)
I apologize,
but we do not offer caviar

for complimentary guests.

Complimentary.

I appreciate
the gesture,

but I can cover
our bill just fine.

(male server)
Oh.

Uh, so it must be fun
working with your dad

and the team, huh?

(Nikki)
I really just try
and focus on my charity.

The kids are my team.

There's this girl
named Rachel

and she just loves
basketball.

And when she has
the ball in her hand,

she just...

Your phone sure
goes off a lot.

(Bret)
Sorry, let me just...

(Nikki)
Yeah! Yeah, sure, go ahead.

(phone vibrates)

*

(phone keys clicking)

*

(Bret)
Sorry.

(male server)
We owe him?

Him?!

(restaurant falls silent)

*

(female server)
Caviar will be right out.

*

Honestly...

I hate caviar.

You serious?

Yeah.

I'm more of a burger/dog
kind of girl.

I'm sorry
if I disappointed you.

(Bret)
Are you kidding me?

I, I had no idea
how I was gonna

choke this crap down.

You like dogs?

I got the spot.

Here it is.

(Bret)
Willie! We're out.

*

Put it on my tab.

*

(Nikki)
Thank you.

(Willie)
But...

*

(groans)

(male singer #2)
* Energy

* You bet you didn't
shift my ground *

Mmm!

(Bret chuckles)

This is incredible.

Nikki Page!

New York Knights fans
wanna know...

you love basketball,

you hate fancy restaurants,

youloveChez Sabret.

So, what's your story?

Is this an interview

or a date?

Can you help out
a future sportscaster?

(Nikki)
Oh, right!

Shoot.

So, Miss Page,

America wants to know
how you got to be so awesome.

Oh, no, no,
I wouldn't say awesome.

But I come from
a good family.

My dad's a blue collar guy
who worked his tail off

to get to where he is, so...

he's a huge
inspiration to me.

I try and live up to that.

But when it really
comes down to it,

I'm just a simple girl
from Jersey.

(Bret)
Wait, you're from Jersey?

That's where I live.

(Nikki)
I thought you said
you lived in Tribeca.

Well, yeah, now,

but that's where I grew up.

I didn't know
you were Jersey.

(Nikki)
Yeah! Born and bred.

(Bret)
Oh!

(laughing)

(Nikki)
But, sadly,
I don't really get back much.

Well, how about
a boat ride?

I got a hookup.

Nothing like watching
the city as you drift away.

Works great on dates.

(Nikki)
Well, since this is a date...

I will confirm
the effectiveness.

Well, you better
be careful.

This boat thing
is a pretty smooth move.

I call it
"the reverse Titanic."

Why's that?

(drum music)

(Bret)
I'm the king of the city!

Do you trust me?

*

(male singer #3)
* So the story goes,
so I've heard it said *

* That you left
your land

to trade for a place
so far away *

* So out of date that only
you could understand *

* And at the ceiling
of my feeling

backed up against the wall *

* Sweet thang

you know
I'd fall in line *

(male singer #4)
* You'd better dig

and take a look
inside yourself *

*

* She

(male singer #3)
* She

wants to be free *

*

(male singer #4)
* I

(male singer #3)
* I wanna know

*

(male singer #4)
* She

(male singer #3)
* She wants to be free

* Yeah

(male singer #4)
* I

(male singer #3)
* And I...

(Nikki)
I keep on waiting
for the shoe to drop.

Are you sure you don't
have a wife or some, like,

deep, dark secret?

(Bret)
I had a girlfriend,

but she was certifiable.

And I'm not talking
normal chick crazy,

I'm talking...

Sorry, let me rewind that.

(Nikki)
No, no, I agree.

Most chicks are crazy
like most guys are liars.

Liars?

(Nikki)
It, it's probably just me,

but I seem to have
a chemical attraction

to guys who are
truth challenged.

(Bret)
You don't say?

(Nikki)
Yeah, I mean,
it's not like

I go out looking for them,
but somehow they find me,

or I find them.

Or maybe I'm just
super gullible.

No!

I mean it.

The last guy,
he lied about everything.

His, his job,
his car,

the fact that he still
lived with his mother.

Anyways...

This is me.

Do you, um...

(chuckles)

...wanna come up?

(Bret)
Oh, I'd love to.

But I should go.

(Nikki)
Good answer.

(soft rock music)

(female singer #2)
* Always

* On the run

* Always

* On the run

*

* On the run

*

* On the run

(Bret)
With that one
incredible kiss,

I knew she was the one.

(Gianna moaning)

(sighs)

(Gianna)
Oh dio!

(Saint grunts)

Oh dio!

(grunts)

(Gianna moans)

Oh! Oh dio!

Oh, yeah.

Oh God no!

(grunts)

(high pitched moan)

Vance Avery?

As in the sports
commentator?

Yeah.

I found out he's going
to the Intimate Disguise

Lingerie Fashion Show
on Friday.

I think you should
totally go

and see if you can
strike up a conversation.

(Bret)
Oh yeah, that sounds good.

(Ma)
Your laundry's on the bed.

Who's that?

(Bret)
Um, the maid

comes in
on Thursdays.

(Ma)
Your room's a pigsty,
by the way.

Wow, she doesn't
hold back, does she?

(Bret)
Yeah, very judgmental,
in fact.

(Nikki)
Anyway, so I was thinking

I would score you
some tickets

so you can go
and meet with him.

(Bret)
No, no, no,
don't worry about it.

I got a hookup.

(Ma)
You want
chocolate chip pancakes?

She cooks, too?

(Bret)
Premium service.

I, I, I should probably
tend to the help.

Enjoy the game tonight,
I'll look out for you.

Bye!

Bye.

(exhales)

(Ma)
What?

(rock music)

(announcer #2)
It's true, they just
didn't have an answer

for Philly's newfound
defense.

Tyson St. James
couldn't shake his

startling 7 point,
3 for 13 shooting performance.

(G)
Yes, yes, the ain't!

Tyson ain't James!

(Vance Avery)
Erectile dysfunction.

(announcer #2)
Get some Viagra, boy.

(Paz)
What the hell just happened?

The start of a comeback,
losers.

Yes!

(Bret)
Look, there she is.

(G)
Oh, poor little debutante.

It's not funny, G. She's got
a million bucks riding on this.

(G)
No sympathy.

(Paz)
Did you seal the
deal last night?

(Bret)
No, it didn't feel right.

Oh, gee.

(sniffs)

You smell something stinky?

(G)
Oh yeah,
that's some stank all right.

Yo, guys, I'm serious.

I sold her a total
bill of goods last night.

We gotta find me some bank
from this phone and quick.

She's gonna realize
I'm not all I said I was.

(G)
Or you could just
tell her the truth.

-That's not an option.
-So, does that mean

we're going to the lingerie show
to meet that producer?

I'm texting around
to find a way in.

(Paz)
Uh, yeah!

(G)
Wait, wait, wait,
hold up, hold up, hold up.

What about gold phone
rule number one,

only take what comes to us.

(Paz)
Boo!

I want my lingerie.

You know
that sounds gay, right?

Sometimes rules
gotta get broken.

(Saint)
Scar, I'm dying!

We all are, honey.

I've got the girls
lined up for tomorrow night.

Come on.

(kisses)

Limo's waiting.

(Saint)
Son of a...

(upbeat techno music)

*

(Bret)
Bret R. plus two.

Not here, man, sorry.
Back of the line.

My, my guy likes
to keep it on the DL.

It's a rough game
for him last night, huh?

Oh, you ain't lying,
you ain't lying.

(Bret)
Hey, big man,
it's all cool

if you wanna text
The Saint,

make sure we're legit.

I'll tell you what,
chill here,

let me check things out,
all right?

(Paz)
You never got on
the list, did you?

(G)
And you just broke
gold phone rule number two.

(Bret)
Yeah, yeah.

Just get ready to run
if my plan fails.

I'm betting he still
has The Saint's

old phone number.

(G)
You call that a plan?

(notification ping)

*

(chuckles)

(Paz)
Faux bro.

I gotta remember that.

(G)
Easy, Jersey Shore.

"Fo sho"?

What are we,
boys in the hood?

I'm pulling the chute,
I'm out.

(Bret)
Oh no, guys,
come on, come on.

(bouncer)
Whoa.

Well, looks like
you're in, fellas.

Let 'em in,
let 'em in.

Sorry about that.

Name's Roti.

Have a good time, fellas.

All right, playboy.

Nah, nah, nah.

Watching you all night, kid.

*

*

*

(G)
Yo, this is off the hook!

(Paz)
And they're serving
appletinis.

Appletinis, Bret!

(Bret)
Yo! Easy, killer.

Pazmanian devil
stays in his cage.

(Paz)
Name the last time
he came out.

(Bret and G)
Oz.

(Paz)
Sure.

Throw that in my face.

*

*

*

*

Thank you, sweetheart.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you bring
my wife

another drink
in the back?

That girlie one she likes.

All right,
appreciate that.

Mm, mm, mm.

(G)
So, uh, do you model?

(female #6)
I do online porn.

(G)
Wow.

I like porn.

(Bret)
Keep an eye on the Paz man.

Gonna network.

*

(Scar)
Text Saint "Boiler room C."

*

(Bret)
Name any basketball
player any year.

(Vance Avery)
Come on, man,
what are you doing?

Do I look like
a game show host?

Breaking up
ebony and ivory here.

Oh, okay, okay,
you wanna play?

All right.

How about, uh...

Jefferson Whitmore, boom!

(Bret)
Six foot four, 180 pounds,
played at Arkansas.

First rounder in '81,
12th overall.

Three seasons
with New York,

then he went to Denver.

(Vance Avery)
Ho-ho! Well, well, well.

You wanna close this deal
with some PBG stats?

(Bret)
27.3.

(Vance Avery)
Oh, boom!

What do we have here?

Vance Avery, man,
and you are?

(Bret)
Bret Reynolds.
Future sportscaster.

(Vance Avery)
You and everybody else, kid.

*

(Bret)
Hey, by the way,
Nikki Page says hello.

(Vance Avery)
Oh, yeah,
how do you know Nikki?

(Bret)
We're hanging.

(Vance Avery)
Oh, you must talk a good
game, huh?

Beating out those
high profilers,

chasing that tail?

(chuckles)

You got a real deal reel?

(Bret)
You'd watch my reel?

(Vance Avery)
This don't waste time.

*

(laughing)

(sighs)

*

(Scar)
He didn't get it.

Did you text
his new number?

(Roti)
When did he get
a new number?

(Scar)
Recently.

(Roti)
Well, yeah, I guess so.

(notification ping)

*

Business calls, ladies.

Peace!

(Bret)
The phone was granting
my every wish.

Text by text,

my dreams were starting
to materialize.

*

(whipping)

(horn honks)

*

(grunting)

(whipping)

(muffled speaking)

(circus music)

(screaming)

(male rapper #1)
* What what

(male rapper #2)
* What it hit like

* Tell me what
it hit like *

* Yeah, I'm talking to you,
shorty, ain't no skin tight *

* Come to my station,
I just ordered about 10 more

bottles of the... *

(Bret)
We're hitting the eject button.

(Paz)
No way, I got one
in my sights.

(Bret)
Too bad!

Guess who I just saw
playing kinky the clown?

My childhood idol?

(Paz)
Oh, Scooby-Doo?

(Bret)
What? No! The Saint.

Wait, he's here?
Wait, I wanna meet him.

(Bret)
Next time. Hey, G.

-Come on, we're out.
-Are you loco?

I am making time
with a porn star.

(Bret)
You guys don't understand.

(Scar)
So soon?

-That punk walked in on me.
-Shit!

Oh no.
He's talking to the bouncer.

(Roti)
You mean that dude
standing next to your boy?

-My what?
-Your boy, your boy Bret.

(Saint)
Look, I don't know
that motherfucker.

Bring it in.

Roti, you watch the door.

Me and Scar,
we'll flush him out.

Fuck him up on three.

One, two, three.

(all)
Fuck him up!

(upbeat quirky pop music)

(male singer #6)
* Man, you're stressing
on the small things *

Incoming.

(G)
Definitely time to go.

Ahh!

I'll check out your work.

(Paz)
Yeah, me too.

*

(mumbling apologetics)

(female singer #3)
* You gotta slow way down

'cause you're
moving too fast *

(Saint)
Come here.

(female singer #3)
* 'Cause when you're
running on a hundred *

Ah, bellissimo!

Mwah!

(applause from crowd)

(Paz)
Gianna, I love you!

(Saint)
I'ma kill you!

(Bret)
Come on!

(laughing)

(gasps)

I can die now.

I had a dream
about this once.

I love my phone.

(smacks)

(Paz)
Again.

Marry me?

(Bret)
Sorry, guys,
we gotta go.

(G)
Hi, Garrett Brown.

Hey, Garrett Brown.

Oh, wow,
Garrett B-B-Brown.

(male singer #6)
* And you worry about
the wrong things *

* Gotta stain
on your shirt,

at least you
had dessert *

* Man, you stressing
about the small things *

* When the rain is dropping
on Mary Poppins *

* Man, you're worrying
about the wrong things *

(Scar)
Easy, easy,
we've got eyes.

(Saint)
Bring me back
to those girls.

(Scar)
Too late, Gianna's wrapped.

(Saint)
How did they get
in there, Scar?

(Scar)
Wait, wait,
let me see your phone.

(male singer #6)
* You had it, you got it

* Don't think about it *

(Scar)
He's got your old number.

(Saint groaning)

(Saint)
Shit!

(cameras snapping)

No, no!

I just want some pussy!

No!

(G)
I don't know, dog,

it's been a fun ride,

but it may be time to...

(Paz)
Hang it up.

(G)
So to speak.

You mean, give it back?

Guys, you can't be serious.

Things are finally
starting to go my way.

I just had a potential
career breakthrough,

things are really
happening with Nikki.

(Paz)
Well, you're lying
to her, cuz.

She thinks you're
Mr. Money Bags.

(Bret)
Wasn't it you two
telling me I need to fake it

until I make it?

Well, guess what,
it worked.

And I'm not lying
if I can actually

get this job
and become this guy.

Help us out, Henri.

Should I keep
using this phone?

(Henri)
Only the phone knows
when it's time to disconnect.

(Bret)
Yeah, thanks,
useful as always.

(Parisian music plays)

(Henri)
Hey, oui monsieur,
you will get laid

this weekend.

(G)
Oh, that's good.

(Henri)
But you will win
the lotto.

(Paz)
Wait, n-nah, right?

Here you go.
Thanks, Henri.

(Bret)
Not giving up my phone.

I had become addicted

to the phone's power
like a junkie

looking for a fix.

Oh!

Just scored
a Tribeca loft.

I was hooked.

(television announcer)
Looks like The Saint
is going to hell.

(Saint)
I just want some pussy!

(Scar)
Okay, send me everything
you have on him.

His name is Bret Reynolds.

(Saint)
Where's this guy live?

(Scar)
He lived on East 31st Street

up until he got your number,

then vanished.

Sneaky son of a bitch.

Numbers usually have
a waiting period

before re-release,
but since we had

to backdate yours
by six months...

Goddamnit,
do you realize

the type of texts
that came into that number

on a daily basis?

This guy could
destroy my image.

My marriage.

This could cost me
my Under Armour endorsement.

Which is why
we lay low

until the finals
are over.

Agreed?

You mean no sex.

(Scar)
For all we know,
this guy poisoned

any number of contacts.

We can't trust anyone.

Let's just lay low

until my guy
pulls the phone logs,

and then we'll decide
on a plan of attack.

(Saint)
But Scar, how am I
supposed to play

tomorrow night's game
with no sex?

(Scar)
Don't even think about it.

(Saint)
Come on, Scar,
I mean, this is business.

Don't be stingy,
I'm desperate!

(Scar)
Honey, unless you grew tits
and a vajay-jay overnight,

it ain't happenin'.

(sighs)

(announcer #2)
Saint started off better
tonight,

but the magic,
she would not last.

(Vance Avery)
With New York down by 24
in the closing minutes,

it was Coach B.
who waved the white flag

and took The Saint
out of the game.

Just a shocking,
shocking game five.

(announcer #2)
Put a fork in it,
they're done.

(Vance Avery)
Lights out on the Knights.

(Nikki)
Turn it off,
just turn it off.

(Bret)
Well, if you're gonna
miss a game down in Philly,

that was the one.

(Nikki)
Well, it's a lot
more civilized here

than dealing with
all those crazy fans at night.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

(Bret)
What do you mean?

(Nikki)
Well, let's just say if
we don't win the finals,

my charity's
in some serious trouble.

(Bret)
I had no idea,
I'm sorry.

(Nikki)
No, no,
it's not your fault.

(laughs)

And, well,
at least that really

cute couple got engaged
on the Jumbotron.

(Bret scoffs)

(Bret)
Are you serious?

(Nikki)
That's how my dad proposed,

and they're still
going strong.

(Bret)
Yeah, the fact that he
owns the team

probably helps with that
a little bit.

(Nikki)
You are such a wise guy!

I happen to think
Jumbotron professions of love

are the most romantic gestures
in the entire world.

(phone vibrates)

Oh, what's that?

(Bret)
Sorry, it never stops.

(grunts)

And what's that?

(hip hop beat)

(Bret)
That was the night
I officially lost the stink.

And someone else
was developing

a bad case.

(Latin inspired music)

(Saint)
Goddamnit, girl,

would you put
some fucking clothes on

unless you planning on
giving me some lovin'.

(Gianna)
My heart still not
trust, amore.

*

And you don't
look so hot.

(Saint)
But you do, sweetheart,
come here.

(Gianna)
Icky, take a shower.

And I go tan by pool...

...nude.

*

You hear that, Horatio?

We ain't invited
to the pool party.

(phone rings)

What did you find out?

(Scar)
My guy hacked
into the phone.

This kid Reynolds
is either an idiot savant

or just a colossal idiot.

He's been hitting
the scene all over town

by pretending to be you.

That piece of shit.

(Scar)
Now, baby, baby.

I want you
to keep calm,

but it's my job
to tell you.

You'll never believe
which team owner's daughter

he's dating...

(thunk)

(Vance Avery)
Hey man, I have to admit,

it's a killer reel.

You got skills!

(Bret)
So give me a job.

Reynolds, do you have
any idea how many

sportscaster wannabes
there are out there?

(Bret)
Yeah, but how many
have the balls

to come up to you
cold like that?

Okay, there's no doubt,
you got some nuts.

Hi, Vance!

Oh, I know
that sultry sound.

You tell darling Nikki
I said "hello."

(deep exhale)

Okay, listen,
I'm getting ready

to cash a nice,
big bonus,

which means I'm gonna take
a little vacay next week.

When I get back,
I wanna get this

new show in development,

which means I'm looking
for younger anchors

who really know
their stuff,

but got the looks
to lasso the ladies.

(Bret)
I'm your guy.

(Vance Avery)
Easy stallion,

I gotta kick
the tires first, okay?

Make sure you and I
are simpatico.

So, uh, how about
a night out on the town?

(Bret)
Fine by me.
Let me take you out.

I'll pick the place.

Done, and Reynolds,
make it good.

(Nikki)
So, how'd that go,
my sexy sportscaster man?

(Bret)
You know, baby,

for the first time
in my life...

everything's falling
into place.

(phone notification ping)

Anyone with half a brain
would've figured out

something was fishy,
but not me.

Oh, perfect timing.

(female #7)
He took the bait.

(Bret)
The phone was officially
in control.

(Vance Avery)
Oh, ho-ho.

Always a pleasure
doing business

with you fine folks.

(Saint)
Double D,

when you arrive here with that
motherfucker and his friends,

bring 'em to VIP.

Bret Reynolds
has no idea

the kind of pain...

he's about to feel.

(Vance Avery)
Ouch, there was no
coming back from this one

as game six
comes to a close.

(announcer #2)
Could you imagine
at the start of these finals

that it would go
to game seven

and that tonight
The Saint would have

by far his worst performance
made even worse

by challenging the coach
on the sidelines?

What we are watching
here tonight,

ladies and gentlemen,
are the sins of The Saint.

(Vance Avery)
Woo, I smell a meltdown.

(Scar)
We'll take care
of this guy tonight,

and get you back
on track for game seven.

(Saint)
Scar...

I could give
two fucks

and a slice of cheese
about the finals right now.

All I care about
is taking down Bret Reynolds.

(Nikki)
Bret Reynolds?

(Saint)
Nikki, hey, what are you--
what are you doing here?

Well, I, I was
worried about you.

And I have
a charity at stake.

How do you know Bret?

(hip hop music)

(male rapper #3)
* Rain man, rain man

* Do I play my cards right?

* Rain man

* I call you,
you answer *

(Bret)
Bret R. plus two VIP.

(Jules)
Bret! It's me, Jules!

Excuse me, excuse me.

How the hell are you guys
at Decadence?

(bouncer #2)
Miss, get back in line.

(Jules)
Chill, he's my boyfriend.

-Boyfriend?
-We never had the talk.

(Bret)
I've never seen her
before in my life.

(bouncer #2)
Miss, this is VIP only.

-They're not VIPs.
-They're on my list,

and you most
definitely are not.

Now get back in line
or I'm gonna get ugly.

*

(Bret)
Boom.

(Paz)
Oh no!

(G)
Ugh!

(male rapper #3)
* Do I play my cards right?

* Rain man

(techno club music)

*

(male singer #7)
* I seen her dancing
in the middle of the floor *

* Body moving,
we let the music take control *

* Oh

* Oh, oh

* Oh

* Oh, oh

* Oh

* Oh, oh

* Oh

* Oh, oh

* Hey, no stop,
let's go *

* Body rock and roll

* Hands are smooth,
control *

* Till you can't no more *

*

(Double D)
Credit card.

(Bret)
Put it on The Saint's tab.

Text him to confirm.

*

What?

Dude, you just broke
gold phone rule number three.

(Bret)
Yeah, it's like five hundo
a bottle.

That's like full on
thievery, bro.

Guys, The Saint
is a total dirtbag

and a rich one,
he can afford it.

That's not the point.

Well, now's not the time
to discuss.

(Paz)
Uh, actually it is.

(Vance Avery)
Whoa-ho-ho!

Nice hookup, Reynolds.

Oh, I love art.

Hey, what's up,
what's up, what's up?

Be right with you guys.

Gotta finish
this phone call

with my broker in China.

Huh?

No, ni fuckin' hao.

(Bret)
Guys, Vance is
my ticket in.

I'm trying to get
a job here.

So, you get
on board with that

or you go fuck yourselves.

-Go fuck ourselves?
-Yeah, that's right.

(Paz)
Do you really think
I would be here

if I could do that?

Wow, The Saint's
not the only one

who turned out
to be a real douchebag.

(Bret)
Oh! This coming from the guy

who turned this phone
into his own

private brothel,
that means a lot.

All right,
we're having an intervention.

Hand over the phone, Mr. Hyde.

(Bret)
Don't even think about it.

(G)
Give him the phone before your

douchebag transformation
is complete.

(Vance Avery)
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Everything copacetic there?

(Bret)
Yeah, yeah, yeah,

we're all just, uh,

insisting
to pick up the check.

(Vance Avery)
Well, well, well,
look who's arrived!

Darling, Nikki,
how are you?

(Nikki)
Good, hi.

(Vance Avery)
You look wonderful.

(Bret)
Hey.

Sorry about the game.

(Nikki)
Oh, it's amazing

how quickly things
just fall apart, isn't it?

(Bret)
Guys, can you excuse us?

(G and Paz)
Oh yeah, sure,
no problem.

*

Nikki, I like you a lot.

In fact, sometimes
guys do stupid things

because we like
someone so much.

(Nikki)
Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

You don't have
to make excuses

for all my old boyfriends.

You are so much better
than all of them combined.

Oh, another text.

You are justsopopular.

Aren't you gonna
answer it?

-I'll check it later.
-Oh, no, no, no, I insist.

It can wait,
I need to tell you something.

(Nikki)
Check it!

*

Uh, Bret.

Not now, G.

(Paz)
Hey, Bret.

(Bret)
I said not now...

(Paz)
I think he knows.

(Saint)
Bret Reynolds.

Let's rap.

(dubstep music)

*

You actually thought

that you could use
my old number

and pretend to be me

for your own
personal gain?

You moron!

Scar, read him the tally.

(Scar)
Oz, 2 Gs.

York House gratis bag,
11 Gs.

Multiple shopping
excursions, 17 Gs,

Bentley rental, 40 Gs.

Tribeca penthouse
for six months, 80 Gs,

for a total
of $150,000.

(Saint)
That's some serious bank, nigga.

Okay, hold on.

Look, I, I,
I may have bent

the truth a bit
pretending to know you,

but all of this stuff
was offered for free.

(Saint)
For me!

Not for some loser

and his two fuckin' stooges.

(Vance Avery honks)

Game's over, Reynolds.

If I were you, I'd get good
at flipping burgers.

Oh, Vance, come on,
I can explain.

(scoffs)

Who are you?

Nikki, I...

(shuffling)

(Saint)
Wait, Nikki...

I wanna give you
the million dollar check

win or lose.

How about we, uh,
meet before the game in private?

Yeah, uh,
my dad's office, seven o'clock.

Perfect.

See you there.

(Nikki)
You know what?

You really are a saint.

(Bret)
Oh, you have gotta
be kidding me!

This guy is a total dog!

I can prove it?

You wanna see some
of the text messages

that come into his phone?

Don't you meanyourphone?

You are the only
girl in my life.

I promise you know
everything now.

(Jules)
Bret, Bret!

I saw you come in here.

(Nikki)
Who are you?

(Jules)
I'm Jules, his girlfriend.

Who are you?

(Nikki)
I amsoout of here!

She isn't,
she is not my girlfriend!

(Nikki)
You are such a loser!

*

So you guys aren't VIP,
are you?

Thought so.

Totally a fan.

*

(whack)

*

(Bret)
And that's when
my buddies and I

got that serious
ass whoopin'.

You know how I got
my name, Bret?

I have divine powers.

I'm a walking miracle.

I wasmeantto be worshipped.

And you try and take
that away from me.

You will live
and die a mere mortal.

You arenothing!

Get rid of that number tomorrow.

Or next time
you won't be able to tell

which of your friends
are which.

(Paz)
That's messed up,
'cause I'm white and he's black.

(Scar)
Yeah, boy wonder,
we got it.

(Saint)
Oh, just so you know...

I'm gonna win
game seven tomorrow.

Right after I bang out your
little girlfriend, Miss Page.

(intense music)

On her daddy's desk.

(wham)

I haven't been
this beat up

since my Aunt Fifi's
bridal shower.

(Bret)
Guys, I'm gonna
make this right.

(G)
The ride's over, Bret.

(Paz)
Yeah, you're on your own, pal.

(Bret)
Oh, fellas!

Come on!

(soft rock music)

*

(male singer #8)
* If we're going under,

got my scuba gear *

* And I got one for you

in case we take a dip *

* I ain't really
good at swimming,

but I heard you were *

* So you can help me out
as we sail about *

* And with every kiss
we share,

I give you my breath *

* So, no matter how deep

you gon' have some left *

* Peace out

* See ya later, world

* Free falling just me
and my... *

(Ma)
Well, you screwed up
good this time.

I don't know
what to do, Ma.

(Ma)
Honey, I love you,

but it's time
that you became a man.

Figure it out.

And don't come home
until you do.

Ma!

(female singer #4)
* All we have

is far from love *

* Oh, you just gotta
take my hand *

* 'Cause if we're
going down,

we're going down together *

* Na-na-na, na, na

* Na-na-na, na, na

* Na-na-na, na, na

* 'Cause if we're
going down

we're going down together *

(echoes)

(dog sniffing)

*

(male singer #8)
* Head first we gon'
splash that Olympic score *

(dog peeing)

What the...

(shriek)

God, you stink!

Stay away from me!

Come on, Stallone.

(Bret)
The Lord giveth,
and the Lord taketh,

and apparently
he Indian giveth, too,

'cause the stink was back

and in a bad way.

Ah, bonjour, monsieur.

Shitty day, huh?

(Bret)
It's this damn phone, Henri.

It's ruined everything.

My shit is stuck,

and I don't know
how to fix it.

How about a dog
to ameliorate the soul?

(Bret)
Oh!

So, tell me, Henri,

what do I do
with this phone now?

(Henri)
Ah, for this I have
a simple solution.

Following your instincts
will not do,

but shadows
always understand.

(Bret)
What? Shadows may,
but I don't.

What are you talking about?

(Henri)
Uh, listen to the whispers
of the grass.

It shall lead the way.

The whispers of the grass?

Come on, man!

Are you kidding me?

I am lost here,
I need some help.

(Henri)
What do you fuckin'
want from me, kid?

(Bret)
Whoa, Henri, your accent!

(Henri)
Look, kid,
it's actually Henry, okay?

Henry Sasnowitz
from the Bronx.

(Bret)
The Bronx?

(Henri)
Yeah, the Bronx!

Let me give you
the straight poop.

Everybody lies
to get an edge up.

This whole French bit
was my wife's idea.

When I first staked out
this park,

some ten-odd years ago,
there was five other carts.

We was all fightin'
for our lives.

So, I had to come up
with something

to differentiate.

Seemed like a good enough idea.

And it began to work,
so I ran with it.

(Bret)
Wow.

I feel like I just
saw Santa Claus

banging the tooth fairy.

(Henri)
Sorry to disappoint you.

But hey,
I still make a mean dog, no?

And at the end
of the day,

that's what really counts.

Yeah...

Yeah.

So, um, by the way,

I'm a little short
on scratch today.

Is it all right
if I just pay...

(Henri)
What do I look like?
Meals on Wheels?

Get the fuck outta here.

Hey!

And kid, some advice
from the Bronx!

When your shit's stuck,
call a plumber!

Henry!

You are a fucking
Yoda genius!

I love your dogs!

I love your dogs.

Shit.

See you tomorrow, monsieur.

(punk rock music)

*

(Paz)
I see you're calling
from the old digits.

That mean you're alive?

(Bret)
Barely, hold on,

I'm gonna conference in G.

(phone rings)

Bretty boy,
you still breathing?

(Bret)
I got Pazzy on
the line, too.

(Paz)
Whattup, G?

-Paz man!
-Look fellas,

I totally understand
if you're done with me,

but I need your help
right now more than ever.

If you choose
to tell me to fuck off,

I get it, but I am down
on my knees, boys.

(Paz)
You know that sounds
gay, right?

(G)
I think we all can agree
that nobody here is blameless.

(Paz)
Yeah, 'cause you may have
been the monster,

but G and I
Frankensteined that shit.

(Bret)
Oh, you guys rock!

(G)
So, I suppose you want us
to help stop The Saint

from banging Nikki tonight?

(Bret)
That's kind of
a top priority.

(Paz)
Well, we're here to help.

(Bret)
Good. Paz, I need you
to go to my mom's place.

-Get me a change of clothes.
-You got it, bro.

(Bret)
Oh, and my old flip phone,
I have an idea.

But first, we need
to stall The Saint.

(G)
And how do you propose
we do that?

(Bret)
Call a plumber.

The mob may kill you,
but the BCM

can make your life
miserable!

(Paz laughs)

Wipe front to back,
I'll catch you later.

(phone rings)

Yo, Joey V.,
it's Paz, bro.

Paz!

I hate to hit
you up like this,

but Bretty and me,
we're in a bind.

Listen, let me make
a couple of phone calls,

I'll take care of this
no problemo.

Yeah, yeah,
I know those guys.

Yeah, Paz man introduced
me to the appletini.

That guy cracks me up.

Yeah, yeah, I got a key
to the back gate, no prob.

I'll spread the word,
I'll meet you there.

Yeah, yeah,
I know where he lives.

Sure, I know his driver.

Yeah, I'm happy
to help.

What do you need?

Tell Paz you can
count me in.

Yeah, I can get him
into the game.

Hey, man, tell him
to go the north entrance.

Yeah.

I'll hook him up
with the AV guy.

(Bret)
North entrance?

Joey, that's awesome.

Yeah, me and Paz
owe you a night

of Papa Mucci's.

You the man.

All right.

Gentlemen,
one more call...

and it's game time.

(G)
Yeah!

("In the Hall
of the Mountain King" by Grieg)

*

(Saint)
* I got a date
with the boss' daughter,

'cause I'm The Saint, baby *

*

Nikki gonna get all this man!

Ahh!

Let the shit storm begin.

(laughs)

(metal screeching)

(Saint)
* I know you like it
when I'm dirty, baby *

* I get dirty, baby

Ooh!

Huh, what the...

Hey!

*

(groaning)

(heavy breathing)

And now for the coup de grâce.

(chuckles)

(pipes groaning)

*

(bubbling)

(Saint screams)

(electrical short)

*

(clicking)

(grunting)

(construction worker)
Whoa, what are you doing?

Back it up.

No one's going
through here.

I said back it up.

Come on, Jeevesy,
back your ass up.

(Paz)
Ronnie fixed your old phone

and texted you
the files no problem.

Everything else is set up.

(Saint)
Come on, come on,
time is wasting.

Let's do it.

What took you so long?

(Bret)
We stalled The Saint
long enough

to implement
a strategy

where we could lure
Nikki away.

Places everyone.

*

Classic bait and switch.

(security guard)
So, how do you know
The Saint?

(Nikki)
I don't.

My loser ex got into
trouble with him,

so he was forced
to call me

and arrange for
The Saint and I to meet up.

(security guard)
Sounds about right.

I was instructed to tell you
to keep the lights out,

and to wait
beneath his desk.

No chit chat,

just get down to business.

Oh, and, uh, he might use
another girl's name.

Just so you know.

Whatever he wants.

(Bret)
Yeah, Saint raced up
to Phil Page's office

and changed
into one of his

little kinky getups.

(instrumental music)

*

(mechanical whining)

*

Conference room screen now!

(quirky music)

(Saint)
Nikki?

(Jules)
Mm-hmm.

(Saint)
Oh, ho!

You bad girl.

You knew just what
it was gonna take

to get this million dollars,
didn't you?

Gotta hurry up, though.

Big daddy got
a game here.

Put that on
right there.

Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Yes!

This is a million dollar
blow job, Nikki.

And worth every penny.

(Saint screaming)

(Saint clattering)

(Bret)
Saint.

(camera clicks)

Now, that's a money shot.

(Saint)
Who the hell are you?

(Jules mumbling)

(Jules)
I'm Jules.

(Saint)
Reynolds!

I'm gonna kill you!

Elevator decoy now!

(whining)

What the fuck
is happening today?

Get this fuckin'
shit outta here.

(rattles gate)

(male singer #9)
* As this time
watches over me *

* Slide on,
on a rainy day *

(Nikki)
Oh, ho, oh!

You can keep
your money, you creep!

(Saint)
Fuck!

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, shit!

(cries)

(sighs)

(soft techno music)

Scar.

*

What happened?

Trapped where?

(dramatic intro music)

(Paz)
Twenty-five, twenty-six.

(Bret)
Got it!

(Paz)
Hey!

(Ronnie)
Here you go, just text
the number I gave you.

It should work.

You guys pull this off,
I'm buying.

(Bret)
Thanks, Ronnie.

Where'd you get
the microphone?

(Vance angrily screaming)

*

(mumbles)
Hello?

*

Amore.

Why aren't you
dressed for the game?

(Jules)
Hey, baby!

(Gianna)
And who's this floozy?

(Jules)
Hi, I'm Jules.

Do you happen to have
a breath mint

by any chance?

(shouting in foreign language)

(Saint)
Gianna, we'll talk
about this later, okay?

I got a game to go to.

(Jules)
Wait, can you sign this?

(security guard)
Sorry, ladies,
only players

beyond this point
at game time.

*

(Gianna)
That player is my husband
for five more minutes.

*

(Phil Page)
Hello, sweetheart.

(Nikki)
Hi.

(crowd chants "Saint")

(Phil Page)
What's the matter?

(Nikki)
Oh!

Just some...boy troubles,
Daddy.

(Phil Page)
Hey.

You wanna punch it out?

-No.
-Come on,

it always used to work.

Afraid you can't
take me anymore? Come on!

All right, all right,
all right.

(sentimental music)

*

(Phil Page)
Ooh.

It's that bad, huh?

You wanna talk about it?

Why is it that every guy
is a lying jerk?

*

(Phil Page)
Let me have it, come on.

I love you, sweetie.

(Nikki)
I love you, Dad.

It all comes down
to this.

(dramatic music)

*

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm Bret Reynolds

and welcome to game seven

between the New York Knights...

Oh my God.

(Bret)
The Philadelphia Founders.

(Saint)
No, no, no, no, no.

(G)
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(Saint)
Get your hands off me.
I'm gonna kill him.

(Bret)
I'd like to take a moment
to tell the crowd here tonight

and all of the viewers

watching at home...

I'm a liar.

And I just majorly
screwed up

with the girl of my dreams.

(Phil Page)
Tyrell.

Get that guy
off my court.

(Nikki)
Daddy, please, please,
just stop.

Just let him talk.

(Phil Page)
Is that the guy?

(Bret)
Nikki Page, it's true.

I only met you
because I inadvertently

got The Saint's
old phone number.

(Saint)
I'm gonna kill him!

(scream)

Get off me!

(Joey V.)
You wanna know why
nothing worked today, Saint?

Well, now you know.

Unless you want a problem

with every electrician,
plumber,

and limo driver
in the Tri-State area,

you're not going nowhere.

(Bret)
It all started
when my ex, Jules,

dumped me
and started texting me

pictures like...this.

(crowd gasps)

Oh my God!

(Bret)
And this one.

(audience cheering)

(laughs)

(Jules)
Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, that's me,
that's me, that's me.

(Bret)
Yes, yes, she is
an awful human being.

So, I changed my number,

and then I realized
I had The Saint's old digits

and when the offers
started coming in...

well, I couldn't say no.

So, yes, it's true,
I lied about being rich.

I'm actually
flat broke.

(crowd booing)

I know, I know.

I don't blame you.

As a result...

I betrayed the trust
of a woman

who I care deeply about.

(Gianna)
You'll hear frommylawyer.

(Saint)
Gianna! Gianna!

Mi amore!

(Bret)
Okay, everybody,
everybody calm down!

Everybody, okay,
everybody wait--

Whoa, whoa, wait.
I have another picture

that I can show.

All I had to do
was hit send

and the picture
of Saint and Jules

would be splashed
all over the world.

And as I looked
at the fear

in The Saint's eyes
I couldn't help

but feel that this phone
somehow connected us.

We both understood
its power,

and with great power
comes a lot of free shit.

(thump)

(G)
Oh!

(crowd boos)

(Phil Page)
I'm sorry, sweetheart.

(Bret)
All right,
all right, all right.

Nikki!

Nikki!

(Saint)
New York City!

That is enough!

This man is putting
everything on the line here.

The least we can do
is hear him out.

Officers.

(officer)
Anything for you, Saint.

(Bret)
Thanks, Saint.

What I'm trying to say
is I'm sorry

to everyone that I've knowingly
or unknowingly hurt.

I will earn back
your trust.

I'm gonna make up
for my mistakes

and I will pay
everybody back in full.

Even if it means I have to live
with my mom until I'm 40.

I, I live with my mom.

And Nikki...

I just want you to know

I am falling
in love with you.

(Saint)
That was deep. Truce.

(Bret)
I'm kinda tied up
at the moment.

(Saint)
Yeah, don't worry about it.

Look, somebody's here for you.

(uplifting music)

(crowd erupts in cheers)

(G)
Yeah!

(Paz)
I'm crying again.

(Saint)
What's up, New York City!

Yeah!

What's up?

What's up!

Yeah!

(Phil Page)
Finally...

a guy with balls.

(Ma)
Hah, yes, yes!

You're finally
a man, Bret!

And that girl
has a sweet rack.

You did good.

We should talk.

*

(Saint)
You could've destroyed me
out there.

Why didn't you?

(Bret)
You were my hero
growing up.

(Saint)
Oh, too bad I'm not
that guy, right?

(Bret)
Not yet.

But I wanna become
the person

that I was pretending to be.

Maybe you should
try that, too.

(Saint)
You wanna be
a sportscaster, right?

(Bret)
Yeah, like that'll
ever happen now.

(Saint)
I'll tell you what,

after I win
this here game,

I'll do my first
sit down interview with you.

Deal?

(Bret)
Uh, yeah! Deal!

Oh!

(Saint)
All right, all right,
all right, all right!

Game time.

(Bret)
Yeah, hey,
good luck tonight.

(Saint)
Luck? Not necessary.

Thanks to you,

just the pick-me-up
I needed right there.

Yeah, you know.

You know.

(male rapper #4)
* I need a hero
to save this game *

* From all these actors
and lames *

* No I ain't
namin' names *

(Bret)
And that pretty much
brings us full circle.

The video of me
at game seven went viral.

The Saint granted his
first tell-all interview.

And here I am now
as your co-anchor.

(announcer #2)
Fascinating.

Bret Reynolds, folks.

One man's journey
from stink to fink

then the pink.

Speaking of...

bet that ex-girlfriend
of yours

is kicking herself
right about now, huh?

(Bret)
Well, as a matter of fact,

she keeps calling me.

Might have to get
myself a new number.

(announcer #2)
Oh, zowey!

You heard it
here first, folks.

And Jules, I'm not
doing anything Friday night.

No, no, no, come on.

Just kidding.

I'm also available Saturday.

And until tomorrow,
I'm Gus Jacobson.

(Bret)
I'm Bret Reynolds.

We'll see you
tomorrow on Sports Huddle.

(Gus)
You know, you smell
better than Vance, too.

(male singer #10)
* Heroes make the sun rise
in the morning *

* Heroes make the moon
shine bright at night *

(Bret)
Clean slate.

Buh-bye, Jules, forever!

(Nikki)
Yes, convenient, she wants you

back now that
you're famous.

(G)
Well, I doubt
that's gonna happen.

Wow, I think it's official,
Bretty boy,

you have lost the stink.

(grunts)

(Paz)
Ugh, get a room.

Let's go!

(car turns over)

So, what are
the new digits, bro?

(G)
Yeah, what's the lucky number?

(notification ping)

(Bret)
Huh, that's odd,

I haven't given this out
to anyone yet.

(upbeat hip hop music)

*

(male singer #11)
* New York City man

(soft rock music)

* New York City man

*

* Year 2002
I was caught stumbling around *

* There she was
standing, man *

* I finally
found my home *

* New York City man

*

(Vance screams)

(boards snapping)

(director)
Action!

(Paz)
Here we go!

(grunt)

(laughs)

Just a shocking,
shocking game five.

-True dat.
-All hats and no cattle.

Don't pee on my leg
and tell me it's raining.

Bricks all over the place.

Ooh, one just came
through the window.

Duck.

(laughs)

(director)
Call the mark.

For dumping that...

(Bret)
You having trouble there?

(G)
You all right?
Need help?

I'll make it--
come on, you good?

(Paz)
Ah, the fuck?

Take a shower.

And I'll be waiting
for you

by the pool...nude.

(Saint)
Well, if she waiting for me,
shit, I'm 'bout to...

(crew laughs)

(Gus)
That was some
divine intervention

from The Saint
right there.

And in the immortal
words of Jay Z,

that shit cray.

You actually thought
that you could use

my old number and get the...

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

(Vance)
Woo, I smell a meltdown.

(Gus)
She doesn't sweat much
for a fat girl.

(Vance laughs)

(Vance)
Oh my God.

(director)
Soft sticks, mark.

Next time you give me
the regular sticks, all right?

(crew laughs)

(director)
And action!

* I was gettin'
some head *

* Gettin' some head *

* From the boss' daughter *

* Got Nikki in my bed

Woo, she gonna get
all this man.

All this man. Woo!

(funny noise)

(Gus)
Is he the one
that went off the script?

(Vance)
Yeah, I'm trying to stay
on script.

-He went off the script?
-He's a veerer.

(Saint)
I'm gonna kill both of you,
too, you know that?

Both of you are dead, too.

Look!

(groans)

Can we bring them in?

Where's their fuckin' cue?

(Paz)
I wanna know, too.

(Joey V.)
You ain't going nowhere.

(Saint)
I got little,
little Joe Pesci.

(Joey V.)
You ain't goin' nowhere.

(Saint)
I got the little
pizza delivery boy

coming at me like that, man.

(Joey V.)
You ain't goin' nowhere.

(Saint)
I'll fuck your little
Frankie Valli ass up.

(Joey V.)
Let him speak!

(Paz)
Oh, yeah.

What's wrong with you?

(laughs)

(director)
Action.

How do you know Bret?

(Saint)
I used to sell him pot.

(laughing)

(Paz)
Let's go!!!

(director)
Cut.

(board snaps)

(breathy whisper)

(male singer #12)
* Ah, ah, ah, ah

* Buyin' cigarettes
for the kids on the block *

* I know they're underage
but I came here to rock *

* I say what I think,
and they think that's a crime *

* But you can't
cuff my mind *

(male and female duet)
* A couple of misfits
walking through life

with our middle fingers up
'cause we don't give a *

* Just a couple of misfits
trying to get a quick fix *

* Sellin' our soul
for a buck *

* A couple of misfits
walkin' through life

with our middle fingers up
'cause we don't give a *

* A couple of misfits
trying to get a quick fix *

* Selling our soul
for a buck *

*

(breathy whisper)

(female singer #1)
* Nothing on
a Monday night *

* Might as well
act like a psycho *

* Bitches wanna
start a fight *

* Little do they know
I'm a ninja *

(male and female duet)
* A couple of misfits
walking through life

with our middle fingers up
'cause we don't give a *

* Just a couple of misfits
trying to get a quick fix *

* Selling our soul
for a buck *

* A couple of misfits
walking through life

with our middle fingers up
'cause we don't give a *

* Just a couple of misfits
trying to get a quick fix *

* Selling our soul
for a buck *

(male singer #12)
* A couple of misfits

* We don't give
a (explosion) *

* A couple of misfits

* Sellin' our soul
for a buck *

(soft blues music)

(male singer #13)
* Palms leaning to the east

* There was a taste
of summer

blowin' in the breeze *

* The sun shined
on our feet *

* The ocean air
made it easier to breathe *

* And I was just thinking

* As you were winking

* How lucky I am
to be alive *

* How funny that
I've got you by my side *

* The ebb and flow

* The highs and lows

* Make us grow

closer together *

(background vocals)
* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do

* Do, do, do-do-do