Love and Other Disasters (2006) - full transcript

Hey, sleepy head!

- You up?
- What time is it?

Almost noon.

I'm afraid you've got to go.

- Excuse me?
- You've got to go.

I have friends coming over
for brunch.

What? In My apartment?

Sorry.

3 years and you still treat me
like a one-night stand!

Babies! Sorry, I'm late.
I had to deal with James.

James? I thought you
broke up with James.



I did. He's just not
taking it very well.

What? All alone in his big,
empty castle?

Be nice.

Anyway, I had to give
his ego CPR.

How tiresome.
What did you say?

Oh you know, how great he is,
how he's going to make

the right girl so happy,
how it's really not him,

- it's blah blah blah...
- And he believed you?

Of course not!
So then I had to fuck him.

Right.

Where's Peter?

Babies, we missed you
at brunch!

Sorry, I had to finish
1500 words for Empire.

- Talullah sends her love.
- How is she?



In love! With this Jamaican model
I set her up with.

Apparently, he shags her
4 times a day

and inspires her to write
volumes of new poetry!

- Isn't that great?
- No, I hate Talullah's poetry.

Speaking of shags,
how was your date with Doug?

- Fine.
- Fine? Just fine?

Look, Jacks!

I really appreciate you
trying to set me up with Doug

And Phil and John.

- What's wrong with Doug?
- Nothing, I just...

I just don't see much of
a future together.

How do you know that
after one dinner?

Maybe because we have
nothing in common?

That's not true.
You're an artist, Doug's an artist.

Doug's a florist!

He's a horticultural designer.

Yeah, whose 'life goal' is
to create a sculpture of

Princess Diana entirely of
bougainvillea.

You are such a snob!

I am not a snob!
I have hay fever.

I'd be allergic to Doug's work.

Look, Doug deserves better
than me.

You're never going to find
anyone with that attitude.

What attitude?
I'm just being realistic.

If you're realistic,
then I'm the Queen of England.

Hey! I'm the Queen of England!

Hello, your Majesty!

Oh Daphne, you poor thing!

Of course, I'll deal
with the shoot.

I can handle Sasha.

OK. Lots of love, big kiss.
Bye bye.

Since when do you say 'lots of
love, big kiss' to your boss?

Since Daphne's going through
a nasty divorce.

She needs positive affirmation.

Babies, what's wrong?

Nothing.
I'm just a little nervous.

He's meant to have
a ferocious temper.

Who?

Marvin Bernstein.
The man I'm interviewing today.

Since when do you get nervous
about celebrity profiles?

Since we're not talking about
some two-bit British TV presenter.

Marvin Bernstein is
a living legend!

The man's produced some of
the best films

in the last 20 years!

He's a giant among
the film industry!

- A giant?
- Maybe I should call in sick.

Maybe that's what's
bothering you.

That I'm not feeling well?

No, that Marvin Bernstein
reminds you

that these celebrity profiles
are meant to pay the rent.

While you're focusing on
your screenplays.

Can we not talk about my
nonexistent film career right now?

I'm feeling small enough
as it is.

Babies? Just remember.

Marvin Bernstein may be a giant.
But You are a giant in waiting.

Yes, yes I am.

- I have no idea what that means.
- Neither do I.

I'm here to see
Mr. Marvin Bernstein.

- Your name?
- Peter Simon.

Peter Simon.
Any relation to Neil?

Excuse me?

Neil Simon! Great writer.
You a great writer?

Oh, I don't know.

You'd know if you were great.

Mr Bernstein?
Kenneth Branagh on line 2.

Kenneth Branagh!
Another great writer!

Kenny B!

I loved the script!
I loved it!

Fuckin' brilliant dialogue!

Well, hat's off to
Shakespeare then!

- No answer.
- What?

I said no answer in
Mr. Bernstein's room.

Oh, right.

Fine. I'll just wait.

Please.

OK, ladies, arms around
each other.

OK, now, Jade look into
Ben's eyes, please.

Thank you very much, OK.
No! With love.

Pandora. How's it going?

Oh, you know, Ben hates Jade.
Jade hates Ben.

And Sasha hates everyone.

Nothing like a happy set.

Hello? I'm waiting!

Paolo, when I have to ask for it,
it's too late!

Who's the cutie?

Sasha's latest squeeze.
Argentinean.

Apparently, Sasha picked him up
at Ipanema Beach.

Amazing how Sasha always finds
his 'assistants' at the beach.

Isn't it?

I suppose it allows him to
examine their 'qualifications'.

Talullah? What's wrong?

Oh God! I just had
a huge row with Freedom

and I think it's over.

OK, I'm in the middle of
a shoot...

Oh God! I feel like dying!

OK. Tell me exactly
what happened.

Well, he came over
and we shagged.

And then I asked him
what he thought about monogamy.

You don't talk about monogamy
After you shag a guy...

- No, no but he said he liked monogamy.
- He did?

Then he said he also likes
oak and pine and maple...

So he's got a sense of humour.

Monogamy is not a laughing matter.

If Freedom ever cheated on me,
I don't think I could go on!

Talullah! You've known
the guy for a week.

Stop talking like you're
in some kind of a movie.

I can't help it.
I'm naturally dramatic.

Excuse me.
Sasha needs you.

Oh, right.
I'll be right there.

- Who is that?
- Sasha's assistant. He's gay.

- What?
- Ay!

- How can you tell?
- Trust me.

I have the best gaydar
in London.

That boy gay as a goose.

Lucky fucking geese.

Excuse me, sir.

We've just got word Mr. Bernstein
had to fly back to New York.

Oh, right. Thank you.

I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry.

Now you love her!
Feed a grape.

With love! Real love!
Excellent!

And crush a grape on her mouth.

Excellent!
Make it sexy! More sexy!

Make the grape sexy!

Yes! Yes! And kiss her.
On the mouth.

Excellent! Sexy love!
Yeah, I think we have it!

Jacks, would it be all right
if I borrowed an outfit just for tonight?

I kind of have a date.

- A date? With who?
- Oh, just this guy.

I mean, I'm not sure
it's even technically a date.

It's just dinner.

Pandora. Pick out the sexiest
outfit and go home immediately!

- But what about the wrap?
- I'll cover for you!

What's more important?
True love or fashion?

It's just a dinner...

OK. Let me rephrase that.

What's more important,
anything or fashion?

Thanks, Jacks.

Paolo, querido.

Dinner, 9 o'clock, Nobu.
Don't be late.

I can't face them on my own.

- No problem.
- Racias, carino!

Katie from Purple will be
picking these up in the morning.

Alright.

James!

How was your day?

- Anybody home?
- In here!

So how'd it go with
the legendary giant?

- It didn't. He stood me up.
- I'm sorry, Babies.

Why are you reading
a cookbook in the nude?

It's'The Naked Chef.'

- What? You're keeping him company?
- I'm waiting for the shower.

You're almost out of shampoo
so I had to use soap.

- Oh hi, Peter.
- Hello, James. How are you?

- Good, yes. You?
- Yes, good. Thanks.

Well, I better be off.

My flight's at 9
and I've still got to pack.

Right.

- I'll call you when I land.
- Have fun in New York!

Thank you.

- Bye, Peter.
- Bye, James.

Jacks?

What are you doing?

Reading this delicious recipe
for Beetroot Salad

with marjoram
and balsamic vinegar dressing!

- What are you doing with James?
- Nothing.

You broke up with him
a month ago!

I know, it's just sex.
He fills a void.

Literally.

I don't see how you expect
to meet someone new

if you spend all your time
with your ex.

Good point!

Maybe I should get back
together with James

so I spend less time with him.

I don't think it's funny.

Neither do I.

What's the point of shagging
someone ad nauseam

if you know you're never
going to love them?

It's not so simple.

He's in love with you, Jacks.
You're not in love with him.

It doesn't get more simple than that.

That's not fair! I happen to
care about James. A lot.

And I hate the fact
that he feels more than me.

And I hate the fact
that I'm not in love with him.

Because I know I should be.

Because he's smart and sweet
and decent

and I don't want to hurt him.

So I keep hoping that
I'll grow into it.

That maybe one day
I'll wake up and I'll feel...

- What?
- In love!

You know, dizzy and
feverish and nauseous...

That's not love, Jacks.
That's the flu.

Well, at least I'm trying!
You big cynic.

I'm not a cynic!

When's the last time you even
considered falling in love?

Today!

I'm not talking about some
character in a novel or a movie.

Neither am I.

- What?
- What?

What? Peter!

So, tell me everything!
What's his name?

David Williams.

- David Williams, and?
- And what?

And, who is he?
Where'd you meet him?

How'd you meet?
Tell me everything!

Well...

I was on my way out of the hotel.
And he was walking in.

He had these two paintings under his arm
and a Sotheby's catalogue

and we just sort of bumped
into each other.

I can't explain it, but...

It was amazing.

Because it was like I was
finally seeing the person.

I'd been waiting for
my entire life.

Oh my God!
That's so romantic!

So when do I get to meet him?

Right after I do?

- What?
- Well... We didn't actually meet.

Per se. As it were...

But you know his name.

Yes, it was on
the Sotheby's catalogue.

He dropped it
and I picked it up.

And you didn't say anything?

You didn't speak?

And this is the person you
think you could be in love with?

Someone that you've never
even spoken to?

Someone that you've
never even met?

Look, Jacks, I know
it sounds crazy.

I just...

I really think he's the one.

Of course he is...

I don't think I can face this.

Of course you can!
We're here to support Finlay!

Besides, you can't stay
at home every night,

pining for someone
you've never even met!

Thank you.

I thought this whole dead
animal thing was 10 years ago.

In formaldehyde, yes.

But Finlay says this stuff
isn't preserved.

- It rots right in front of your eyes!
- Nice!

Where is Fin anyway?
Say our hellos before I turn vegan.

Hello? Hello.

I'm Finlay McMillan
and I would like to

welcome all of you
to Unicorn & Gallagher's

LIFE IS DEATH exhibit.

Freedom, get me a glass of champagne.
My throat's parched.

Do I look like a slave?

Before I introduce
the artist himself,

Talullah Wentworth has very kindly
agreed to read one of her poems.

Talullah Wentworth!

God help us!

I think it's sweet.
Talullah wanting to be Sylvia Plath.

Well, she should fast forward
and find an oven.

Thank you, Finlay.

And thank you Unicorn for
this truly moving exhibit!

I'd like to dedicate this poem
to Finlay's lover

and my best friend,
Troy Johnson,

who's birthday it is today!

Troy would have loved
to come tonight,

but thanks to the conspiracy
of silence

between the Catholic Church
and the Tories

in the face of Aids, he can't.

Because he's dead.

- I'm not drunk enough for this.
- Neither is Finlay.

MEAT.

Big black dick
in nice soft chick.

I never knew
the thrill I'd feel,

knowing how you had to steal.

You dangled your worm,
I took the bait.

This fish is caught.
It's only fate.

DIE DIE DIE
White Imperialist Pigs.

Aristocracy is pale and weak.

You can't kill my love.

He's black.
He's MEAT.

Jacks! What are you doing here?

I just came back to
make sure you're OK.

- I'm fine. Sure.
- Yeah?

Yeah! Absolutely.

I just hate this day,
you know?

10 years.

How come I still miss
him so much?

Because you are an amazing
human being.

And because he was
an amazing human being.

And because I'm a silly
old queen.

That too.

- Thanks, Jacks.
- For what?

For always remembering.

And for being there for me.
For all of us.

I'm a superficial assistant
at a major fashion magazine.

You'll ruin my reputation.

Come on.
I'll give you a ride home.

Besides, I need your help
with Peter.

He's fallen madly in love.

- Yeah? With who?
- I don't know. Neither does he.

Right!

Speaking of boyfriends,
how's what's his name?

- You mean Freedom?
- Freedom.

- What kind of name is Freedom?
- Jamaican, darling.

- Why didn't he come to brunch?
- We had a row about his car.

I told him I don't generally
get into vehicles

that cost less than my handbag.

And he accused me of
being a spoiled bitch

who's only in love
with his skin color.

Which is surprisingly
insightful for someone

who's stoned 24 hours a day.

- Oh, and the creep keeps calling.
- What creep?

From the phone company.
His name's Tony.

He calls me 5 times a day
begging me to go out with him.

Apparently my voice haunts him.

You have an obscene caller
from British Telecom?

I told her she should
report him to the police.

I would, but he promised me
free broadband.

- What is broadband?
- Hi, guys, sorry I'm late.

- Hi, Fin. How are you?
- Hello, darling!

Hi, just a cappuccino please.

So, I made a few calls
and I'm pretty certain

it's who I thought.

Are you serious?

Well, he was definitely at
the Chancery Hotel last Monday.

- Oh, my God!
- What are we talking about?

Finlay's figured out
who Peter fell in love

with last week.

He was at the Chancery Hotel,
monday morning, seeing a client!

- Who was?
- David Williams!

- You know the guy I bumped into?
- I know David!

I love biblical names.

I used to have a cat
named David. King David!

- What's he like?
- He's dead, fell out of a tree.

He's head of Sotheby's
Contemporary Art Department.

He's smart, charming, kind.
Attractive, as you know.

All the rich ladies
have crushes on him!

During his auctions,
they all try and outbid

each other just to impress him!

I bet my Mother's one of
those rich old women.

- Is he gay?
- He's gay!

So was my cat.

Actually, I can't believe
I haven't tried to fix you up ages ago.

He's perfect for you!

And he was very intrigued by
what I told him.

What you told him?
What did you tell him?

Nothing.

OK, everything.

- But he was really flattered.
- Oh God!

- There's no way I can meet him now.
- What? Why not?

Because it's too set up!

There's no way he'll be
into me knowing I'm so into him.

David's not like that!
Trust me!

I have to agree with Peter.

I think accidental meets
are much better.

Take me and Freedom.
We met in a launderette.

After I told you
he was going to be there!

Which isn't to say
accidents can't be planned.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

I'm always like this
when I have to see my mother.

Would you rather not go?

No, don't be silly!

This is your big night!

Besides Mother loves you.
She loves this David.

Her theme song is
'Matchmaker, Matchmaker.'

Do you want a brownie?
I made them myself.

Thank you.

These are very good.

Yes, they've got quite
a lot of hash in them.

Talullah! What's wrong?

Freedom's having an affair.

An affair?
You've only been going out for 2 weeks!

Who's he having an affair with?

Me, I just found out he's married.

- Are you OK?
- Oh! Yes, fine.

I just lost my keys
and they're playing hard to get.

Tada!

We haven't met properly.
I'm Paolo Sarmiento by the way.

Emily Jackson.

But all my friends just call me 'Jacks.'

OK. All my friends just call me Paolo.

OK.

You look very beautiful.

Oh! Well, I'm going to this
black tie thing for my roommate.

Well, it's not exactly
for my roommate.

But... I mean, thanks.

Take care.

Can I give you a lift?

Oh! That's OK.

I have to meet Sasha
in Bloomsbury so...

That's where I'm headed!

OK.

- Get in!
- Thank you.

Oh, Talullah! There you are!

This is Klaus Fassbinder.

Klaus, this is
my daughter Talullah.

And this is her best friend, Paul.

- It's Peter, Mother!
- It's all right.

Darling, you could have
worn something nicer.

You could have worn something.
Full stop.

Sorry, Fassbinder, are you
related to the director?

- Who?
- Oh, never mind.

Mrs. Wentworth, thank you
so much for this invitation.

Oh please! Call me Felicity!

David is perfect
for you, darling!

I can't think why I didn't
set you two up earlier!

So, you're Felicity's daughter?

Only by birth.
So don't hold it against me.

Donatella!
Excuse me.

Whoever designed those heels
must really hate women.

I designed those heels.

And thank goodness you did!

Otherwise Mother's arse
would be dusting the floor.

So how long have you
and Sasha been together?

3 months.

Really?
How did you two meet?

- It's a bit embarrassing actually.
- Oh go on. Tell me.

We met at a beach party
at Ipanema.

Sasha wanted to take my picture.
I said no.

He pestered me.
And one thing led to another.

And...

Well, here I am.

Sasha's a wonderful photographer.

Yes. So everyone says.

You're not interested in
photography?

Oh, very much.
I studied it at university.

But I'm more into reportage.
Capturing real moments.

Sasha's brilliant at capturing
real moments.

Don't you think?

Not really.

I think Sasha's brilliant
at creating moments.

Most of which aren't real.

But then again,
fashion isn't real,

so maybe he's capturing
reality after all.

What do you think?

I think people shouldn't bite
the hand that feeds them.

Excuse me?

I mean, thanks to a chance
encounter at a beach party,

you hook up with one of
the world's top fashion photographers.

First class travel,
exotic locations.

You really hit quite the jackpot.

You think that's why I'm with him?

Well, it's obviously not
out of respect for his work.

Do you always judge people
so quickly?

I'm not judging you.

No?

Then maybe you're judging Sasha.

You seem to think
the only reason

someone might be with him is
for this 'jackpot.'

This is fine.

Thanks for the ride.

I would like to welcome you
all to this year's

'Fashion Against the Impending
Threat of Global Warming.'

There is nothing more important
right now, than global poverty.

I mean in the warming sense.

Actually, I was just talking
to Donatella.

- Sorry, I'm late. So is he here?
- Not yet.

- Where's Talullah?
- In the bathroom.

She's been eating large
quantities of hash brownies.

- Again?
- Yeah.

So with no further ado,
I would like to introduce

any available
British celebrity!

I mean...
Angus Deaton!

- Bitch!
- Wanker!

Thank you and thank you
to Felicity for all her.

Jacks! You look so pretty!

I think you're very,
very pretty Jacks.

Thank you, Talullah.

I think you're very pretty too.

But not as pretty as
Freedom's wife!

I'm sure you're far prettier
than Freedom's wife.

You're just saying that
because you're a POOF!

Talullah!
What's wrong with you?

Genetics.

- Hello, Jones.
- It's Jacks, Mother!

- You look lovely!
- Thank you. So do you!

I don't!

I'm pasty white.

Why wasn't I born black?

OK, first up then
we have an outfit called

Ice Dream donated by
Klaus Fassbinder!

Let's start the bidding.
If you would at 1,000 pounds.

Thank you, sir.

David's flight from New York
must have been delayed.

But he should be here
at any minute.

He was very intrigued by
what I told him!

What, what you told him?

You know, about how you saw
him at the hotel

and it was love at first sight!
And what a catch you are.

How it's about time you found
yourself a nice boyfriend!

You told him all that?

He seemed very flattered Paul!

1,500 pounds.

Any advance on 1,500 pounds?

Oing once, going twice...

10,000 pounds!

10,000 pounds!

Don't touch the dress!

Any advance on 10,000 pounds.

No?

Oing once. Oing twice!

10,000 pounds!

I was only joking.
I was just kidding!

I was only joking.
It was a joke.

Charity!

Hello?
Oh, hi James.

- Do I live here?
- No, I live here.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, Peter, I feel so bad.

C'mon, drink this.

No, I mean about you.

Not getting to meet
Robbie Williams because of me.

It's OK.

I'm loving angels instead...

- How's our patient?
- She'll live.

- Well, I have great news!
- Oh yes, what?

- You know James is in New York.
- Yes, that is great news.

Who guess he ran into at one of
the Art Auctions over there.

- Who?
- David Williams!

OK! Please, please tell me
he didn't say anything!

- Was he not meant to say anything?
- Oh, my god!

News of my crush has just
travelled across

the Atlantic Ocean!

David Williams must think
I'm a needy, desperate freak!

Well, there's no point in pretending
to be something you're not!

Where do you think you're going?

I just remembered.
I need a pedicure.

Talullah. I think just this once,
you should paint your own toenails.

Don't be ridiculous!

I need a lot more incentive
to bend over that far.

There's nail polish here.

- Oh, are we at the salon?
- Yes.

- Ready for lunch?
- Sure am!

Is everything OK?

Oh yeah. Fine.
T- cells unchanged.

Liver holding up.
Everything's great.

So despite your fragile beauty,
you're actually built like an ox.

O figure.

Did you hear the news
about David?

Yes. Talullah's Mother told me
he never even showed.

Which actually proves
my theory he must think

I'm a stalker freak.

I'm sure he doesn't think that.

Fin, in 3 short weeks he's heard
about my desperate obsession

from you, from Talullah's mother,
and now from James,

all the way in New York!

Read this!

David didn't show because
he had to stay in New York.

Because he was promoted to
Sotheby's New York office.

Satisfied?

I can't believe I drove him
out the country.

Come on.

Jacks.

Have you ever thought
this whole 'true love' thing

might be a conspiracy?

- A conspiracy?
- Yeah, a capitalist conspiracy.

A lie concocted by the Film,
Publishing and Music industries.

All pushing this thing, this
concept that doesn't even exist!

True love doesn't exist?

Well, think about it.

Where is it besides songs,
books and films?

I mean, who can honestly say
'I will always love you? '

- Whitney Houston?
- Yeah, when she's high on crack.

The point is, Everyone's miserable
because they're looking for

this nonexistent 'thing,'
or else they're miserable

because they think they've
settled for less.

I'm not miserable.
And I believe in true love.

Yeah, which is why you're still
sleeping with your ex-boyfriend.

'Breakfast at Tiffany's' is on.
Wanna watch?

I just told you films have
destroyed my ability to love.

I thought that was your mother.

Good point. Shove over.

This is your favorite film?

Look at me. Can't you tell?

- Where's Daphne?
- Out.

Can I give her a message?

These are the contact sheets
from the shoot.

I've marked my selects.

Tell Daphne my assistant
Paolo is handling the retouching,

so if she needs any other prints,
she can call him at the lab.

OK.

And if she needs me,
I'll be at my boyfriend's in Paris.

- Paolo?
- What about him?

Paolo isn't your boyfriend?

Why would you think
he was my boyfriend?

I just assumed.
Talking to Paolo.

- Really?
- I'm sorry.

No need to be sorry, carino!

You're not the first person
who gets this impression from Paolo.

To be honest, I think maybe
he had a little crush on me.

I'm very flattered of course,
and if I wasn't already involved.

But, you know,
it's all about timing, no?

And right now, I have a train
to catch! Ciao ciao!

Ciao, ciao.

These look great.

Paolo.

Look, I'm sorry about
the other night.

Sasha told me everything
and I feel like an idiot.

Could you please forgive me?

Yes.

You don't know me.

If you did, you'd know
I'd never take advantage of Sasha.

Anyway. I should go.

Have a good weekend.

You, too.

- So how do I get to know you?
- What?

- How about over a cup of coffee?
- A cup of coffee?

It's the least I could do
after the other day!

Besides, we can't have you all
alone in London on a Friday night!

You make me sound like
an exchange student.

- I didn't mean it like that.
- No?

Then why else would someone like
you want to have a coffee with me?

Someone like me?

It's OK. Really.
I forgive you.

So you can stop feeling sorry
for me or guilty or whatever.

I'm sure you have better things
to do on a Friday night.

Actually, 'someone like me' has
nothing to do on a Friday night. OK?

Oh, but wait, now you're going to
say 'someone like me'

only wants to have
coffee with you

because I've got nothing
better to do.

I just can't win can I?
Never mind.

To tell you the truth,
'someone like me' hates coffee.

I hate coffee too.

Este...

Where did you learn to
speak Spanish like that?

What? Not what you'd expect
from 'someone like me?'

I find you very confusing.

So does my boyfriend.
My ex-boyfriend.

Do you want to get a drink?

There's this amazing place
near here.

Tonight's South American night.

OK. But only because I feel
sorry for myself,

and I know you must feel guilty.

I really appreciate you
seeing me on such short notice.

Finlay thinks the world of you.

And I think THE WORLD of Finlay!

Yes, well...

He said you really sorted him
out on the relationship front.

And I could certainly use
some help there.

You see I've never actually
been in a relationship

except in my own head.

And how long did that last?

- What?
- The relationship in your head.

No. I mean,
it's an ongoing problem.

They only last in my head.
For varying amounts of time.

So you have a problem
with monogamy?

No, no that.
No, that's not my problem.

Denial is not a river in Egypt!

Not a river in Egypt.
D'you see what I did there?

Just that's a little therapist joke.
Doesn't always work.

- OK, right. Paul?
- Peter.

- Sorry?
- Peter.

Peter. Peter. Yes, it is.
You're absolutely right. Peter.

That's a good start.
Well done you!

I think I can help you.

- You do?
- I do.

I think you are stuck in
that pre relationship

moment of infatuation
and you need to be reminded

that a real relationship has
many, many, many more stages.

Stages. I like that.

Relationships are best measured
by farting.

Excuse me?

The stages of a relationship
can be defined by farting.

Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence.

This is a fantasy period
where both parties pretend

that they have no bodily waste.

This illusion is very quickly
shattered by that first shy

'ooh did you fart?' followed by
the sheepish admission of truth.

This heralds a period of
deeper intimacy.

A period I like to call
the 'fart honeymoon'.

Where both parties find each
other's gas just the cutest thing

in the world.

But of course no honeymoon
can last forever.

And so we reach the critical
fork in the fart.

Either the fart loses its power
to amuse and embarrass,

thereby signifying
true love or else,

it begins to annoy and disgust.

Thereby symbolizing all
that is blocked and rancid

in the formerly beloved.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Peter? Peter?

Earth to Peter?

- What?
- Sorry I'm late.

I was talking to Tony.

Who's Tony?

You know. Tony.
From the phone company.

You're seeing your
obscene phone caller?

Of course I'm not
'seeing him', darling.

We're having a strictly
phone-based relationship.

So what's going on?

Finlay thinks I should
see his therapist.

Finlay sees a therapist?

Yeah, some woman he says is
really good with relationships.

Maybe I should see her.

I think I need to get in touch
with my inner child.

Talullah, if you get in touch
with your inner child

you're going to need
an inner nanny.

Oh, I don't trust nannies.
They're all whores!

- What about Mary Poppins?
- Slut!

What are you talking about?

She left the convent,
married Christopher Plummer,

and then took all his children
up the Alps.

Speaking of The Sound of Music,
where's Jacks?

The riots completely
shut down Buenos Aires.

It was unbelievable!

The whole country,
rich, poor, young, old,

everyone for this one moment,
came together.

- These are incredible!
- The moment was incredible.

You captured the moment.

My friend Finlay owns an art gallery.
I'd love to show these to him.

- That's very kind of you but...
- Very kind of me? What?

You think you're some
kind of charity case?

- No, but... I just...
- Don't tell me you're afraid.

I'm afraid you're drunk.

Because I think you're talented?

Because you've had
3 caiperinhas.

- Do you know how to tango?
- Yeah. Why?

Because, everyone knows
you can't be drunk and tango.

So if I can tango,
then I'm not drunk.

And I get to show your pictures
to Finlay.

Well, then you're right
and I won't tell a soul.

Tambien...

So about my friend Finlay.

- So tell me your secret.
- What secret?

How an American can speak
like a Spaniard and dance

like an Argentinean.

- I'm not American.
- No?

Well, not technically.
I was born in England.

My Father was English.
My Mother was Spanish.

I grew up with my Mother's
family in America.

After my parents died.

How old were you
when you moved to America?

Five.

- I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry.
- It's not that.

It's just I don't want to be
one of those awful characters

out of a movie that gushes out
their past while the violins play.

I mean I had a bad age five.

I had a terrible age five,
actually.

But all in all, since then,
my life's been pretty blessed.

- So do you live alone?
- No, I live with Peter.

- Oh? Your boyfriend?
- Oh God no! He's my best friend.

We went to college together.
He's gay.

All the good ones are...

You should meet him actually.
He's a brilliant writer.

Screenplays.
Well, that's the goal at least.

He's just the sweetest,
funniest, kindest guy I know.

If he wasn't gay, I'd have
married him years ago.

- He sounds wonderful.
- He is!

What are you doing tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Nothing.

You wanna have dinner?

Oh, sure!

Great!
Come over at 8!

Ta da!

Well, I had an amazing
time tonight.

Me, too.

Bye!

I've never been for a walk
in the morning before.

At least, not since I've been
in New York...

- Hey, babies!
- Hi!

- What are you doing?
- Watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's.'

- Again?
- Yeah, I'm doing research.

Stop doing research
and would you write

your goddamn screenplay!

Did you realize, in the book,
the male character's gay?

That's why they have such
an amazing friendship.

Because she feels safe with him.

Whereas in the film, he's straight
and she just wears gorgeous hats.

Speaking of gorgeous, I just met
the cutest Argentinean boy.

Oh, yeah?

He's absolutely gorgeous.

And sweet and smart.
And an amazing tango dancer!

That's very useful
in today's world.

Who also happens to be
an exceptionally talented photographer.

Oh! Does this mean
we're finally over James?

- James? He's gay!
- James is gay?!

No, Paolo.
Paolo is gay.

He's been assisting for Sasha,
you know the fashion photographer

and I thought that they were,
you know, sleeping together

but now they're not.

And he really wants to meet you.
He doesn't know anyone in London.

And I told him that you'd
have dinner with him...

- What?
- Tomorrow. It'll be good for you.

It'll take your mind off.

Jacks! There is absolutely
no way I am going

on another blind date.
The answer's no!

Paolo! Hi!

Come in! Come in!

I'm afraid I'm running late!

Oh, these are lovely,
but Peter hates flowers.

We'll pretend they're for me.

Can I get you something to drink?

Champagne?

Sure.

So, how was your Saturday?

- Paolo?
- What?

What did you do today?

Oh, yeah.
I went to the Tate.

The Museum.
The Tate Modern Museum.

- Your first time?
- Yep.

And? What did you think?

I mean, it's pretty
amazing visually. Right?

The way it's built.

Isn't it just visually stunning?

Don't you think, Paolo?

Yeah!

Paolo, I can't hear you.
Can you come back here?

I don't want to have to scream.

So what else did you?
After the Tate Modern?

I'm sorry, I didn't...
I'll just close the door.

Oh, it's fine!

Peter and I always have
our best conversations

when I'm in the bath.

- Peter?
- Jacks?

Shit!

- Jacks!
- I'll be right out!

- Is that Peter?
- No. James. Do me a favour.

O out and tell him
I'll be out in 5.

And close the door behind you.

Hi, sorry, I...
Jacks is in the bath.

She says she'll be out in 5.

- Who are you?
- Paolo Sarmiento.

I, I work with Jacks.

- James!
- Peter. Hi.

- Hello?
- Hi, Peter. I'm Paolo.

Paolo. Hi.

Hi! I've heard so much about you.

Really?

- Where's, where's Jacks?
- In the bath, apparently.

Right. Excuse me for a second?

- What's he doing here?
- He just flew back from New York.

Not James. Paolo!

- He's having dinner with you.
- No! No. No way.

Why not?
Give me one good reason.

- It's too soon.
- Too soon?

- I'm still not over David.
- You don't even know David.

That's a technicality.

Besides, after everything
everyone's said,

I feel like I know him very well.

Babies, David doesn't even live
in London anymore.

Oh, so you're saying
I should forget about him

purely for geographic reasons?

I'm saying that I don't think
it's healthy for you to have

a long distance relationship
with someone

you've never even met!

How does that look?
More blush?

- No, you're good.
- Thank you.

I'm afraid Jacks sort of
surprised me with this.

Yes. She surprised me too.

Yeah, well, that's our Jacks!
Full of surprises!

So is James...
Are they together?

Well, technically no.

But for all practical purposes, yes.

- I don't understand.
- Join the club.

When it comes to love, Jacks is
completely incomprehensible.

So does she love him?

I suppose, in a way, she must.

I just don't think
she likes him very much.

But come to think of it,
Jacks never goes out with men

she actually likes.

You're insane.

Why, because I don't like you
having strange men with you

while you're in the bath?

- James, he's gay, for God sakes!
- Great, another poof.

Since when did you
become homophobic?

Since I realized being gay is
the only way to be intimate with you.

Don't be absurd.

I can't believe I've just
vomited the entire saga of

my imaginary love life
with David Williams.

I enjoyed it.
It's like a movie.

- Yeah, but you must think I'm crazy.
- Yes.

But I like crazy people.

Yeah? So do I.

But enough about me.
What do you think about me?

No, I'm joking.
No, I'm not. No, I was.

Sam, can we have some
sambucca, please?

- Don't answer.
- I really should.

- Why?
- It might be somebody.

Hello? Talullah! Oh sweetie.
Hold on a sec.

It's Talullah.
She's having a crisis.

How bloody unusual.

OK. Tell me exactly
what happened.

He's stopped calling.

- Freedom?
- Tony.

Who's Tony?

You know.
Tony from the phone company.

The psycho who was
making obscene calls?

They weren't obscene!
They were sweet.

It was the perfect relationship.

I never felt ugly or fat.
I knew he wasn't with me for my money.

- I miss him, Jacks!
- Talullah, don't be ridiculous.

I can't help how I feel!

Why is it as soon as
I fall in love with a man,

he abandons me?

You don't love Tony!

Yes I do!
I do love Tony.

What did I do wrong?

OK. Let's indulge this
sick fantasy.

What's the last thing
you said to Prince Charming?

'Stop pestering me
or I'll call the police!'

Oh, this is us.

Do you want to come upstairs
for another drink?

I want to,
but I probably shouldn't.

I have to be at the lab at 7.

- Oh, OK. Well...
- But I really enjoyed meeting you.

So did I.

So did I.

- Are you OK here?
- Oh my God! Oh God!

- You don't! I...
- I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry. I was just...

- I'm really embarrassed.
- No, no, no, listen, Peter.

I really like you a lot, but...

But you don't like me
in that way.

Look, I know that speech.

I use that speech because
I actually wrote that speech...

I'm not gay.

- I didn't write that part!
- I'm straight.

Since when?

I suppose I first noticed
when I was around 8.

I thought it was just a phase,
you know, but eventually

I had to accept the truth.
I like women.

Oh this is good!
This is really good.

You know, Jacks is useless at
fixing people up...

- Jacks thought I was gay?
- Oh she sure did.

And I'm really going to enjoy
making her feel stupid about this one.

No! Please don't.

I think I should tell her myself.

You and Jacks?

You and, you and Jacks?

Oh my God!

Oh, look, I... I...
I won't say a word. I promise.

- Thanks.
- Cross my heart.

- I should go.
- Yeah. Yes.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

So what did you say to Jacks
when you got back?

- Nothing, she wasn't there.
- But you're going to tell her.

Sorry, I'm late!

I was in the middle of
an absolutely gripping book.

I couldn't put it down.

Oh, what book's that?

My memoirs, darling.
I've decided to publish.

Bloody Mary please.
Light on the bloody.

- Where's Jacks?
- Spending the weekend with James.

- Oh God, how disgusting!
- Be nice.

I'm sorry, but James Wildstone stands
for absolutely everything I despise.

I thought he was
a good friend of your family?

Exactly my point.

Well, we shouldn't judge.
Maybe he's good sex.

Oh, don't be absurd.
He's public school.

So he probably likes
being spanked.

Or buggered. Or both.

- Sounds like good sex to me.
- And me!

And me actually.

I can't believe he's so late!
Pandora, try Sasha's mobile.

- I tried it 5 minutes ago.
- Try again.

And leave another message.

Do you have his boyfriend's
number in Paris?

He got back from Paris
last night.

He broke up with his boyfriend
this weekend.

- He did? Is he OK?
- Not really.

But Jacks, look, it'll be fine.
Sasha always turns up.

- I left another message.
- Thanks, Pandora.

So I had a nice evening
with Peter the other night.

Oh my God! Really?
Isn't he great?

Smart, funny and cute.

Yes, he's absolutely lovely.

Where's Daphne?

She had to go to court today.
She left me in charge.

Who put up those lights?

I did, I thought you
might want them in the shot.

You're not here to think!
You're here to do what I think! OK?

So now you take all this down
and you bring me a ring light.

Pandora?
Where is Pandora? Where is it?

Here.

What's your job?

I'm a wardrobe assistant.

A wardrobe assistant?
No, you're a piece of shit!

How dare you call my mobile
every 10 minutes

and leave me endless messages.

I told her to call, Sasha!
We were worried.

- You were late.
- I know I was late!

I just don't need a nobody leaving me

endless messages about it!

- I understand you had a rough weekend...
- No, you don't understand!

You understand nothing!

And I suggest you stop
meddling with things

you don't understand, and just do your job!

Whatever the hell that is.

I don't know,
go steam something!

Sasha!

Jacks, he doesn't mean that...

- Don't you tell her what I mean!
- Don't speak to her like that.

Get out! You're fired!
You heard me? You're fired!

O back to Argentina!

You and your little
pathetic snapshots!

Bye bye!

Anyone else have
something to say?

I have something to say.

- Apologize!
- I'm sorry?

I said apologize!

- Are you insane?
- Obviously!

I work at Vogue!
But don't change the subject!

- Apologize.
- Or else?

Or else, I'm walking out
with all those dresses.

Oh! I have a better idea.
I will do the walking out thing.

And let's see what Daphne
has to say about that!

Paolo, can I ask a favour?

Ah, the classic movie moment
when the underdog gets to prove

his real worth and win
the heart of his true love!

Don't give away the ending!

It's a romantic comedy!
How do you think it ends?

Hi, sunshine, how are you?

I just had the most surreal day.

I had a huge fight with Sasha.

Paolo took over the shoot,
and he was absolutely brilliant.

I'm probably going to
get fired tomorrow,

but it was so worth it just
to see Paolo in action.

Oh my God! This is so scary!

What's she watching?

Notting Hill.

So what did you think
about Paolo?

Was I right or was I right?

Are those my only options?

Oh no, don't tell me
you didn't like him.

I liked him a lot!
I'm just not sure I'm his type.

Of course, you're his type!

He told me himself
he thought you were 'lovely.'

Well, I didn't see that coming!

What?

Julia Roberts ending up
with Hugh rant!

You know, Jacks. When I told you
to take care of the shoot,

I was thinking more along
the lines of ordering the sushi,

not enraging
our top photographer.

I can't help it if Sasha's
an overpampered monster.

We work in fashion.
Everyone's an overpampered monster.

Yes, but that isn't an excuse
to be so vile to people.

Besides, his pictures don't
have an ounce of truth to them.

But since when does truth have
anything to do with fashion?

Well, it doesn't.

But maybe it should.

- So you were Sasha's assistant?
- Yes.

How very 'All About Eve.'

'All About Eve?'

It's a movie, darling.

It's about an assistant
who seems all sweet and innocent

but is really quite
ambitious and ruthless.

You should rent it sometime.

Daphne, he was doing me
a favour.

- I've seen it.
- You have?

And what did you think?

I found it rather silly actually.

The idea that Bette Davis could be
the victim of anyone is absurd.

Pick 4 and run it.

Oh my God, Paolo!
You were amazing!

Thanks. So were you!

The way you handled Daphne!

I mean I knew you were talented,
but I had no idea that under

that shy, sweet exterior was
such steely confidence!

What other secrets are
you keeping from me?

Actually, Jacks,
I did want to talk to you about...

- Ah, Jacks! There you are!
- James?

Hello, Darling!

Hello?

James, you remember Paolo?

Yes. Hello, Paolo?

James?

What are you doing here?

Well, actually, I was just
having lunch across the street

and I came to tell you
the good news in person.

What good news?

Peter is finally going to meet
the love of his life!

- What?
- David Williams is in town.

He's leading a special auction
at Sotheby's.

And he and I were just
having lunch together,

and I just happened to mention
Peter's name.

And he suggested that we bring
Peter to the auction tonight!

- He did?
- Well, actually, I suggested it.

But he thinks it's a great idea!

So did I do good
or did I do good?

You did great.

I should probably go.

Paolo, congratulations on today.

Tell Peter I wish him
good luck with David.

Jacks?

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking about
Peter and David living

happily ever after.

What if I've written
the worst script ever?

What if everyone hates it?

Look, most great artists have to
deal with rejection in their lifetime.

Yes, I'm not a great artist!

Look, I know I'm not
some genius like Van ogh.

Thank God.
I like my men with 2 ears.

I'm, I'm being serious.

What if I'm not any good?
What if I have no talent?

Are you asking
if I'll still love you?

- Snap out of it will you?
- What?

We're here.

There you are!
You guys are late.

Fin, I'm not sure
this is such a good idea.

It's an excellent idea.

He's perfect for you,
Paul, darling!

Peter! His name is Peter!

You're about to meet the
love of your life!

To the left!

There is no need to be
so nasty to me

just because I don't remember
people's names.

550 with you madam,
thank you very much.

- That's him!
- 580. Anything further on 580?

- I can't see him.
- There!

I have $600,000.

Back to the telephone bank.

That's not him.
That's not him!

- You're kidding?
- No!

- That's David?
- No!

- Are you sure?
- Yes!

I have no idea!

Of course that's David!
He's just cut his hair.

What hair?

He's got a lovely smile!

- He's just cut his hair!
- And he's lost some weight.

- I don't think so, Fergus...
- It's Finlay!

- What?
- That is not him! OK?

That is not the man
I bumped into at the Chancery Hotel.

That is not him!

Well, he's good enough!

Oh no! No, he's not good enough!

Because, that man right there,
the real David Williams actually exists!

The real David Williams happens
to be a living, breathing,

on-the-market gay man!

Morning, sunshine.
How you feeling?

- Exhausted. You?
- Fine.

I'm going to brunch with Finlay
and the wrong David.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry you outed
a total stranger

or sorry it's the wrong
total stranger?

Both.

I'm quite relieved, to be honest.

At least it's over and done with.

- You OK?
- I'm fine.

I was just up most of
the night thinking...

About?

Oh, love and other disasters.

- That must be Finlay.
- Send him my love.

- I don't have to go to this thing.
- O!

I'll be right down.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Would you like some coffee?
- No, thank you.

That's Peter, he must have
forgotten his keys.

I'm going to take a bath.

Paolo, hi!

- Hi.
- Are you OK?

Not really.
I haven't slept all night.

Come in. Come in.

It's just...

I've been wanting to talk to you
about the other night with Peter.

But it seems every time I'm about to,
something or someone gets in the way.

I'm sorry.

No! It's not your fault.
It's just...

- He's not here, is he?
- No. No, he's out.

Good.

- I feel terrible.
Why should you feel terrible?

I had no idea how you felt.

What the hell is going on?

- I don't believe it.
- No, wait!

- I shouldn't have come.
- Wait!

- James, what's wrong with you?
- Nothing's wrong with me!

He needs to talk!
What's your problem?

He's my problem!

Excuse me? Paolo!

I may not speak Spanish,
but I'm not an idiot.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you
and that bloody Paolo.

He was upset about Peter.
He wanted to talk.

Bullshit!

- What?
- I want him out of your life!

- Or else?
- Or else we're through!

See. This is exactly why I don't
want to be in a relationship with you!

Oh really?

Then what the hell is this?
What the hell are we in?

I don't know.

This is just some sort of
fucking game to you, isn't it?

What's a game?

This. We fuck and then you say
you don't want a relationship.

- It's not a game.
- Oh no? Then what is it?

It's...

It's the truth.

Bullshit!
I don't believe it is the truth!

For the last six months
you've been saying one thing

and then doing another.
You've been playing me!

No!

But I am sorry.

What are you sorry about?

I didn't mean to hurt you!

Fucking condescending!

I didn't mean it like that.

I just... I want...

What do you want?

I want this to end.

So after all that,
I'm not the one?

Bit of a relief, huh?

I suppose so.

You must have thought
I was a stalker freak.

Thanks to my discreet friends.

We were just trying to help.

Yes, by making me out to be
a desperate fantasist?

You are a desperate fantasist.

- No, I'm not actually.
- He is.

I'm a fantasist,
I'm not desperate.

Well, I suppose I'd never have
lived up to your fantasy anyway.

Trust me, David.
Nobody could.

- Tom!
- Sorry, I'm late!

- Tom, this is Peter and Finlay.
- Hey, Tom. I think we've met.

- Finlay! How have you been?
- Great! And you?

Can't complain.
Can't complain.

Finally out of the art world!

Tom's acting now.

- Acting?
- Yeah, that's why I'm late.

Had an audition for
a new drama at the BBC.

- How'd it go?
- Good! Well, great actually.

I was so inside
the character. You know?

And then they asked for a monologue

so I did that one from
Streetcar which everyone loves.

The actress I was doing it with,
she was hopeless.

I was doing my best...

Are you OK?

- That's him.
- Who?

That's the guy I bumped into
at the Hotel!

What?

Sorry.

Excuse me, I just need to use
the loo, actually.

- Finlay?
- Right! I'll just...

ive you a hand!

I can't believe you said
'I'll give you a hand!'

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

But listen, I think
I know what happened!

Tom used to be
David's assistant.

They both must have gone
to the hotel,

but Tom arrived with
the paintings on his own.

Which is when you bumped
into him!

Great! So, now what do I do?

Well, I'd probably zip up.

Mustn't seem over-eager.

I can't believe you're cooking dinner
for some guy you just met yesterday!

His name is Tom.
You know what they say.

'The way to a man's heart is
through his stomach.'

Don't you think that's aiming
a bit high?

Don't you think you should
applaud my courage?

I would but my hands are full.

Anyway, I'm off.

Don't you at least
want to meet Tom?

Why? I prefer Paolo.

Maybe that's something
worth considering.

Little late for that.

I've been trying to call you
since yesterday

but your mobile isn't working.

I, I ran out of credit.

- Can I come in?
- Yeah, sure.

What are you doing?

I have to fly back to
Argentina tomorrow.

- What? Why?
- I don't belong here.

What are you talking about?

Your career's about to
take off in London.

You have 4 pages in the new Vogue!

OK, I know how you feel
about fashion.

And I agree with you!

But at least it'll pay the rent.
While you do your own work.

And I've spoken to Finlay.
And he wants to meet you.

Maybe put a show on at
his gallery for you.

- You can'tjust go home now!
- I'm being deported.

Immigration got a tip
I was working here illegally.

- A tip? From who?
- Does it matter?

James.

It was James.

We don't know that.

- You're not going.
- Jacks, I don't have a choice.

Yes, you do.

You can marry me!

Jacks. I can't ask you
to do that.

Then it's a good thing I'm asking!

Yes. And it's very kind of you.
But...

It's not fair to you.

Look. I know you think I'm
doing this out of guilt or pity.

But that's just not true.

I'm doing this
because I want to.

Because I know that you're on the
verge of fulfilling your dreams!

And if I could be a part of that,
that would make me happy.

And I don't want you to go.
So please. Marry me!

I don't know what to say.

Well, unless you want me to feel
totally humiliated say yes.

I'm like, fuck that.
I know I'm talented.

I don't need some RADA degree
to tell me.

You know what I mean?

And besides,
I'm not interested in

being some luvvie
character actor.

I am a leading man,
for fuck's sake.

So why waste my time studying
during my peak years.

You know what I mean?

Yes, yes.
Well, I, I think I do.

I mean sometimes studying can
become a way of avoiding doing...

I'm just not sure whether
I should cut my hair.

I mean, my agent thinks I should,
but I think it's what makes me

distinctive.
You know what I mean?

Yeah. I think I do.

So... you wanna go to bed?

What?

Do you want to go to bed?
You know, have sex?

I...

I don't like wasting time
when I know what I want.

Is everything OK?

Yes, I was just trying Peter,
but he didn't answer.

Oh, you ordered me another drink.
Thanks, Babies!

You're so thoughtful!

So what happened
with you and James?

The same thing that happens
with all straight men.

They pretend that they're fine
with you having a career

and being independent.

But deep down, they resent it.
Or they want to change it.

Well, not all straight men.

Trust me! All of them!

At the end of the day, all
straight men just want one thing.

You know what that is?

Sex?

Control!

The problem with straight men
is that no matter how hard

they try, they still
need to control, to dominate.

Thank God you're gay!

- Jacks.
- I mean think about it!

Why do you think we feel
so comfortable together?

Because I know you're not
trying to score.

Anyway. I'm through
with straight men!

A toast!

No more straight men!

Good riddance I say!

And now, we have a very special
dedication for Paolo.

Paolo, this one's from
your future wife!

Happy Wedding, Babies!

I just remembered that Peter
might have a boy at the house.

Can I stay at yours?
Sunderland Terrace!

Thanks.

Oh my god, I just used your toothbrush.

No problem.

I think I'm drunk.

The room's sloshing.

You going to stand up all night?

- No.
- Good. Come.

I think my parents would
have really liked you.

You're so smart and kind
and you're so really talented.

- Jacks!
- I think you're exactly

the kind of person they would
have wanted me to marry.

Well, not exactly.

But not in terms of what counts.

I know that I don't know
you very well,

but I feel safe with you.

Is that crazy?

No. It's not crazy.

I trust you.

Jacks, I need to tell
you something.

- Get into bed and tell me.
- I can't.

I promise I won't make a pass.

- It's not you I'm worried about.
- What, Paolo?

You're so drunk!

Tom.

Tom! It's time to get up.

- What time is it?
- Almost 9.

You gotta go.

- Excuse me?
- You gotta go.

I've got some friends
coming over for brunch.

Tom, you're in my apartment.

Talullah, I can't get
into it now.

Just meet me at the Registry.

I'm not getting married
without a maid of honour.

No! Sweetie, you don't need
to write a poem.

Look, I have to try Peter again.

He hasn't been answering
the phone all night.

OK, bye.

- Hello?
- Peter! Finally!

- Hi, Jacks.
- I've been calling you all night!

I know, I'm sorry.
I turned my phone off.

- Tim spend the night?
- Tom!

- Whatever.
- I agree. Reality crashes in.

I'm sorry, Babies.
Now listen.

I need you to come down to
the Islington Registry right away.

- I'm getting married.
- What? Jacks!

I'll tell you everything
when you get there.

I just managed to get
a cancellation at 11 sharp.

That's in 20 minutes!

And I still need to
buy a wedding outfit!

- Otta run. Bye!
- Oh, wait!

Oh, pull over right there!

I'll be right back!

Paolo! Thank God you're here!

- Have they called our names yet?
- No.

Emily Jackson
and Paolo Sar-mentio?

Are you all here for
the Jackson wedding party?

If anyone knows why these
two individuals before me

should not be married,
let them speak now

or forever hold their peace.

- I'm not gay.
- Excuse me?

I'm not gay!

Of course you're not gay!

He's not! Ay. I mean.

How nice for both of you.

Now, if there's any other
reason why...

And I think I'm
in love with you.

- What?
- I mean, I'm in love with her.

- Paolo, what are you doing?
- Telling the truth.

I'm not gay and I think
I'm in love with you.

I know I should have said
something before.

But every time when I started,
it seemed like the wrong time.

Or maybe I didn't
have the courage.

But then when you suggested
getting married.

I just got swept up with the idea
because I wanted more than

anything to stay.
I wanted to stay with you.

I know I should have said
something but...

But, What? You wanted to make a fool?
Out of me first?

Jacks. You know that's not true.

I have no idea what's true!

- Oh, Jacks.
- I trusted you!

I told you things.
I was naked in your bed!

Did you know about this?

- Yes.
- You?

- No!
- I told you!

Yes! And now I've lied.

I can't believe
I trusted any of you!

Jacks! Please...

Next.

- O away!
- I'm coming in.

I should be very mad at you.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so stupid!
How could I be so stupid?

You're not stupid, you just saw
what you wanted to see.

I can't believe I trusted him!

I can. He's a great guy.
He deserves your trust.

Don't you dare defend him!

Look, all I'm saying is what's
really changed about Paolo

since he told you he was straight?

- Everything!
- Yes, everything you're used to.

Everything you're
comfortable with.

What's that supposed to mean?

Have you ever considered you
didn't want to see

how Paolo really felt about you?

Because that would have
meant breaking your rule.

- What rule?
- To only have sex with people

you don't love and to only really
love people you don't have sex with.

- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.

Because that way you know
you can't really get hurt.

Look, Paolo hasn't changed.
He's still the same person.

He's still the same person
you know and believe in.

And think is kind and smart
and sweet and bloody sexy.

The only thing that's changed is
what might happen between you.

And he can tango!

God, babies. You were so right!

I mean when I think about it now,
he tried to tell me so many times.

And I just wouldn't let him.
I didn't want to hear it.

I didn't want to see it!
I was so blind!

Watch out!

- What time is it?
- 5:30. What time's his flight?

6! Hold on, babies.

- Ticket?
- Oh, I'm not flying.

Only ticketed passengers
past this point.

Yes, but I need to speak to
someone on the BA flight

to Buenos Aires.
It's an emergency!

Try the BA's customer
service counter.

- They can call the gate.
- You're a genius!

I have an emergency message for someone
on your flight to Buenos Aires.

Flight to Buenos Aires?

I'm sorry but that flight's
already pulled out of the gate.

It had an early departure.

An early departure?

An early departure?
What are the chances of that?

If this was a movie, there
wouldn't be an early departure.

If this was a movie,
you'd be blonde!

If this was a movie,
you'd be famous!

That's the problem with life,
it's nothing like the movies.

I can't believe
you're really going.

I'm following your advice.
I'm breaking my rules.

Good for you!

Are you sure you're
going to be OK?

Jacks! I'm not a child,
I'll be fine.

- I worry about you, Babies.
- You worry about everyone.

No, I worry about you more.

I just don't want you
to end up alone.

Well, neither do I.
And stop being so dramatic!

So stop living your life
like you're in some kind of movie.

Excuse me?

Stop trying to cast your true
love instead of just meeting him.

- When I meet him, I'll know.
- I'm not so sure.

Love isn't always
a lightning bolt, you know?

Maybe sometimes it's just a choice.

Well, that's easy for you to say!

You're flying to Argentina
to meet the love of your life!

That's just it. I don't know
that Paolo's the love of my life'

but I've decided to give him
the chance to be.

Maybe true love is a decision.

You know, a decision to take
a chance with somebody.

To give to somebody.
Without worrying whether

they'll give anything back.
Or if they're gonna hurt you,

or if they really are the one.

Maybe love isn't something
that happens to you.

Maybe it's something
you have to choose.

So what do I do?

Well, you could start by
putting all of those fantasies of

true love where they belong
into your work of fiction.

'Love and Other Disasters.'

Nice title. Catchy.

But it'll never fit on the marquee.
How about just 'Love Disasters?'

What?

I love that Jacks.

She's got that British
quirkiness audiences love.

'Hello, Babies!'

Yes, but technically she speaks
with an American accent

because she's grown up
in America so...

Nah, it's too complicated.
Let's make her English.

- Perfect part for wyneth!
- Wyneth Paltrow?

Finest English actress of
her generation!

Brainstorm!
Orlando Bloom as the Mexican.

Paolo's Argentinean!

And we'll cover the American
angle with Drew and Cameron.

Drew Barrymore and
Cameron Diaz? As who?

Playing David and Tom.

I'm sorry, you want me to
get rid of the gay story line?

I don't want you to
get rid of anything!

I'm just saying instead of David and Tom,

we have Daisy and Tina.

- I...
- Also, you gotta fiddle with that ending.

We need a bigger movie moment
when Jacks finally connects

- with Paolo.
- Yes, but...

Sorry, the whole point is
there is no big movie moment

because they both discover
that true love is a process

not an event.

You know, Peter. I get it.

This script is like
your baby, isn't it?

Well, yes, I suppose it is...

I understand that.
Believe me, I understand that.

Come here.

I want to give you some advice!

You gotta kill your baby!
You gotta fuckin' kill your baby!

Right. Thank you. Thank you.

Sorry.

- Peter!
- David! Hi!

- How are you?
- Good, good. You?

Great, I've managed to convince
Sotheby's to transfer me

back to London.
How's the writing going?

Good, thanks, I've finally
finished a screenplay.

Great! What's it about?

Oh, it's just about some guy
who realizes he's been

looking for love in
all the wrong places.

- Like in hotel lobbies?
- Yes, or in his head.

- Well, congratulations!
- Thank you, thank you.

You may want to wait
until you've seen the film.

I don't need to. I'm congratulating you
for having the courage to write it.

How it turns out or even if
it turns out that's out of your hands.

- Anyway, take care.
- Yes. You, too.

It's on the left when we get out.

David!

Peter?

Are you OK?

No. Actually, I'm very out of
shape and that nearly killed me.

But I needed to tell you two things.

First, I'm really sorry
I was so self-absorbed

when I first met you at brunch.

You don't have to
apologize to me.

Oh, no, I'm not apologizing to you.
I'm sorry for my own sake.

You see, I was so caught up
in my own head.

I missed out on getting
to know you.

And I would like to
get to know you.

I mean if you'd be willing
to give me another chance?

Maybe let me take you
out for dinner?

Oh, I don't know.

See, I've had this fantasy in my
head about having dinner with you.

What if you don't live up to it?

Oh well, then I'd just have
to keep taking you out

until I get it right.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- French or Italian?
- I think Italian.

Good.

Paolo!

Jacks!

Paolo, I've been such
a bloody fool!

Can you ever forgive me?

Love means always forgiving.

And I do love you, Paolo!
I do!

They made me write that ending.

Apparently, audiences demanded
that Jacks and Paolo have

this big Hollywood moment.

I loved that ending.

How can you love that ending?
It's so artificial!

It's a lot better than
what really happened!

I agree, I don't think having
Jacks arrive in Argentina

with a bad case of diarrhoea
would have had the same impact.

I loved how I came across.

You were played
by Drew Barrymore!

Who totally captured my essence.

Name was absolutely
brilliant in that.

Well, I don't like to brag but
I really think I stole the movie!

I mean, I was funny.
Touching. Eccentric. Real.

If a little old for the part.

And I have to applaud your decision
not to show me ending up with James.

Why? Are you ashamed of
our relationship?

No, of course not, darling.

It's just that you were the villain

and it just wouldn't have
felt very believable.

- What a clever boy you are!
- Thank you.

Making Talullah and her mother
look the same age!

That's very modern, Paul!

I'm so sorry!
My shoot went over!

You just missed
the story of our lives.

But with better lighting!

Everyone knows I wasn't the one
who reported Paolo to immigration, right?

Yes, darling, we know.

Well, I think this calls for champagne!

Oh, right! Claridge's, turn left!

- Babies, what's wrong?
- Nothing.

You wrote a screenplay.
And they made a movie out of it!

I know and I should be grateful.
Look, I'm very lucky.

It's just...
I don't know.

I just wanted to tell the truth
and somewhere along the line

it got mixed up with
a bunch of lies.

Nobody goes to the movies for
truth except possibly the French!

The truth is way too complicated.
And unsatisfying.

And hard to believe.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

- I think my water just broke.
- What?

I know, it's impossible, right?
I'm not due for another 3 weeks!

Paolo! Paolo!
She's having the baby now!

Call an ambulance!
Call a taxi!