Love Jacked (2018) - full transcript

(Pool balls clatter,

low hum of people chatter)

Biker: Hey! Where do you

think you're going?

Come back here!

You took my money!

Where does he think he's going?

Why are you going so fast, huh?

Where you going?

♪♪♪

♪ Whenever I'm asked who



makes my dreams real ♪

♪ I say that you do

(You're outta sight) ♪

♪ So fee-fi-fo-fum ♪

♪ Look out baby

'cause here I come ♪

Biker: Hey buddy, you scared?

♪ Get ready

'cause here I come ♪

- It's just...

(Engine coughs, splutters)

- Come on, come on, come on!

Oh, you're flooding it,

hurry up, man!



- I'm not flooding it!

(Engine splutters, dies)

- Come on!

- Sh...

- What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

(Gunshot booms, tire hisses)

(Explosion booms, men scream)

- Whooo!

- Let's go!

(Tires squeal)

(Fire crackles)

(Malcolm and Tyrell

laugh wildly)

♪ And I'm bringing you

a love that's true ♪

♪ So get ready,

so get ready ♪

♪ And I'm bringing you

a love that's true ♪

♪ So get ready,

so get ready ♪

♪ I'm gonna try to make you

love me too ♪

♪ So get ready,

so get ready ♪

♪ 'Cause here I come ♪

♪ 'Cause here I come

I'm on my way ♪

Clara: Maya, what with your

fiancee coming tomorrow,

and all these wedding plans,

you must be... (sighs)

goin' out of your mind.

- Yeah, but I don't even know

what this guy looks like.

I haven't even seen a picture.

- Yeah, you've been

holding out on us.

- Oh, I-I just don't have any.

- (Gasps) Grandma,

what're you doing?

- It still fits.

All: Awww! What?!

(All laughing)

- You look beautiful, Ms. Rose.

- I've been saving it

for you, honey.

We'll get you a fitting later.

- (All laugh)

- Carry on.

(All laugh)

April: I love it!

Clara: Baby, it's all good.

We don't even have to look

for a dress for you after all.

(Cousins chuckle)

(Birds chirp, dog barks)

(Pool balls clatter, thud)

- Honey, I've been looking

all over for you!

- Yeah well, I've been playing.

- Did you cash your paycheque?

- Yeah.

- Remember, 'cause you promised

me we'd get some things

for the baby when you got

home from work.

- Yeah um, just... just gimme

a minute, honey.

- We good?

- Yeah, yeah.

Play, let's go.

(Mournful jazz music plays,

people chatter quietly)

(Pool balls thud)

- (Sighs)

- (Sighs heavily)

Tyrell: Good game.

- Hey, babe...

Babe!

(Money rustles)

- It is a big man's game.

Radio announcer: Good morning

Southern California brides,

we will be speaking to South

Bay's top wedding planner,

for tips on how to overcome

bride fright--

(Maya switches stations,

loud music plays)

♪ Oooh gone ♪

♪ Oooh gone ♪

♪ Ooh baby ♪

♪ Crying waitin' on you

in the rain ♪

♪ And it feels like

it's been hours ♪

♪ Once again you were late

oooh ♪

(Truck rumbles)

(Bell on door jingles,

radio plays same song)

♪ And it hurts too much

to stay ♪

♪ So I'm done ♪

(gone)

♪ Gone ♪

(gone)

♪ So gone ♪

(Gone)

♪ And I won't be comin' back

baby I'm gone ♪

- What can I get you?

- Just coffee.

(Bell on door jingles)

(Coffee sloshes)

(Spoons clink)

- Hi, can I get a coffee too,

please? Thanks.

Uh, do you know what time

it is, real quick?

- I'd like to be left alone,

if you don't mind.

- Uh, I was actually talking

to the waiter.

- It's 10:30.

- Thanks, bro.

- Sorry.

- Oh, are you talking

to me now?

- I overreacted and I'm sorry.

- Yeah, don't mention it,

it's all good.

You wanna be by yourself,

I get it.

Most guys see a girl sitting

by themselves,

they think it's an open

invitation...

to come on over, trust me,

I ain't like that, all right?

- Well, thank you for being

so understanding.

- Yeah, don't mention it.

You can just go on over there,

sit by yourself,

and I'm gonna sit over here

by myself, okay?

And then we're gonna make out

like none of this even happened.

Oh, you see that?

You keep smiling like that,

you're gonna give me

the wrong impression,

and you know what that

leads to, right?

(Chuckles)

- I'm just having

a really bad day.

- Well listen, I'm all ears

if you wanna talk about it.

All right?

- So I was a few minutes late,

and my dad just goes off on me,

like as if he can tell me

what I can do!

- Like, I mean, like, it sounds

to me like you and your pops

have like some like serious,

serious conflict

that you guys gotta work out.

- Whose side are you on?

- I'm with you, girl,

I'm with you. Keep going.

- All I said was that

he's a nice guy...

Maya: It all started

about a month ago,

when I told my dad about a trip

I was taking.

- Oh, by the way,

I've decided to take

a trip to Africa.

- "By the way?" That's it?

- I need inspiration.

- For what? (Laughs)

- No offense Dad, but I didn't

go to art school

so that I could work

in your hardware store.

- One day Johnson's Hardware

Store is gonna be all yours.

Think about that.

- I wanna be an artist.

- No one's saying you can't

do your art.

But I don't see how art's going

to put food on the table.

- Baby, do you think that

going to Africa

is going to give you

inspiration?

- Yes, I do, Grandma.

- Then I think it's a great

idea.

- So, how long are you

going for?

- Um, she's not going.

- Three weeks.

- Did you hear what I just said?

- Well, it's too late, 'cause

I already bought my ticket.

I leave next Friday.

- You're not going.

- Why not?

- A young woman traveling alone,

I mean, anything could happen!

- You're just upset because I

didn't ask you first.

- That's right, you should've

asked me first!

- What's the point of asking

you, if I already know

What you're gonna say?!

- Because you don't make

those kinds of decisions

without talking about it!

- Okay, whoa, whoa, girl,

you need to just calm down

for a second, all right?

You should chill out.

You need to have a heart

to heart with your father.

- You don't have a heart

to heart with my father.

He dictates, and you listen.

- Well, just... keep going,

what happened next?

- Well, I'm going,

and that's it.

- And I say you're not!

- Watch me!

- Can you believe her?

(Airplane whooshes)

♪♪♪

(Tires squeal)

(Low hum of chatter)

♪ I don't wanna stop

this fight ♪

♪ Though I'm smiling through

bloodshot eyes ♪

♪ In this moment

I'm dreaming wild ♪

♪ So wild ♪

♪ And in my heart

I'm dreaming wild ♪

♪ Sleeping oh, believe it ♪

♪ I don't wanna stop

this fight... ♪

(People chatter loudly)

- (Sighs heavily)

(Camera shutter clicks)

- Do I owe you money?

- Excuse me?

- Do I owe you money?

- I don't understand.

- You're staring at me.

(Laughs) That's very rude.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no,

I was...

looking the mural that is

just behind you.

- Oh, sorry.

- I can understand.

A woman as beautiful as

yourself must get much staring.

I'm so sorry, perhaps

it would be better

if I moved to another table.

- No, no, it's fine.

(Laughs)

(Dishes clink)

- Yebo.

- Yeah, it's beautiful.

- Mtumbie Bamburi.

- Oh, Maya Johnson.

(Chuckles)

(Laughs)

♪ Better bring your heart

to believing ♪

♪ Sing a song ♪

(it'll make your day)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Life ain't

about no retrieving ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

(it'll make a way)

♪ Give yourself what you need ♪

♪ Sing a song ♪

(it'll make your day)

♪ Smile, smile,

smile and believe ♪

♪ Sing a song ♪

(it'll make your day)

♪ Sing a song ♪

(sing, sing, sing, sing)

♪ Sing a song ♪

(sing a song)

♪ Sing, sing, sing, sing ♪

(sing a song)

Maya: So they were three

of the most romantic

weeks of my life.

He really swept me off my feet.

Things never moved this fast

for me before.

I didn't know where

it was going.

- This room is so amazing.

- I could see you doing very

beautiful paintings here.

We could clear out all

of this furniture,

and put your easel just there,

by the window.

- Oh... yeah,

that would be perfect.

I can just see the--

my easel?

- Will you marry me,

Maya Johnson?

- (Gasps, laughs)

But we hardly know each other!

- I know it is sudden,

but love does not know time,

it knows only the heart.

And my heart is telling me

you're the one

for whom I've waited

my whole life.

- Whoa, those Africans

move fast, huh?

Quick, quick, quick,

quick, quick.

- (Sighs)

- Sorry, go ahead.

- So naturally, I call my

family to break the good news.

- You ready to come home?

Maya: Aunt Clara, you remember

when I told you

about the guy, Mtumbie, that

I met when I first got here?

- I do.

- Well...

we're getting married.

- What-w-w-what do you mean,

getting married?

- Mtumbie asked me

to marry him!

- Who the hell's Mtumbie?

- I've been talking about him

the entire time I've been here.

- He's the nice man that

was taking her around,

showing her the sights,

remember?

- Dad, when you meet him,

you will love him.

Ed: Look Maya,

I was young once.

I-I know what it's like.

You go off to some far off

exotic country,

and everything seems new

and exciting.

But trust me,

it ain't gonna last.

- Ed!

- Well, first of all, this

is not some spring break fling,

and secondly,

we're getting married,

like it, or not.

- (Laughs) You're pulling

my leg, right?

- I'll take that as your way

of saying congratulations.

- Let me-let me get

this straight.

This guy is uh, this guy

is African, right?

- Yeah, do you have

a problem with that?

- N-no, I'm just trying

to get the big picture.

- I thought you wanted me

to settle down,

and get married.

- What's really happening here?

This guy, he needs a green

card, or something?

- Okay, for your information,

he is very wealthy,

and he certainly does not need

any green card!

- You're not getting married,

and that's all I have to say.

- Well, it's my decision

to make,

and we're getting married,

like it or not!

- I want you to get on the next

plane, and come home,

and I don't want to hear

any more about it!

- I will come home when

I'm good and ready!

Clara: Maya, listen,

your father means well.

It's just that he's surprised

by this news, that's all, and--

- And-and another thing is,

as long as you're under my roof

you're gonna do what I say,

when I say it and that's--

- Oh! (Scoffs)

(Dial tone sounds)

- What?

- Wow, so what'd your mom

have to say about it?

- Um, she passed away

when I was twelve.

- Oh... uh, I'm sorry

to hear that.

- But I have an aunt

who's like a mom,

and she is all for it.

So I went to Mtumbie

to cry on his shoulder...

Mtumbie?

(Fountain splashes)

(Moaning, grunting sounds)

Mtumbie: Ohhh!

- Mtumbie?

(Mtumbie gasps)

- Qui est elle?

- Oh! Uh...

- (Gasps)

- Ooh! Damn!

I mean, sorry.

Mtumbie: Maya, wait!

Let me explain,

she doesn't speak English,

There was a misunderstanding!

She doesn't understand

the word no!

Please!

♪ What do you get

when you fall in love ♪

♪ A guy with a pin

to burst your bubble ♪

♪ That's what you get

for all your trouble ♪

- (Sobbing)

♪ I'll never fall

in love again ♪

♪ I'll never fall

in love again ♪

(Car door slams)

- (Groans)

(Cell phone rings)

(Sobs)

♪ I'll never fall

in love again ♪

♪ Don't you know that

I'll never fall in love again ♪

(Airplane roars)

♪ I'll never fall

in love again... ♪

- So I got on the next

plane home.

Malcom: Hey look, you're

a really beautiful girl.

Okay? Any guy with eyes

can see that.

For sure, no, seriously.

And it's his loss, not yours.

- Yeah well, that's not

the half of it.

(Airplane whooshes)

Clara: Maya!

Man on P.A.: Flight 442

is arriving at Gate 33.

Clara: Awww!

Welcome home!

Mmm, I missed you.

Mmm!

- So... where is he?

- Um, Mtumbie's not coming.

- Oh, thank God you came

to your senses, girl.

(Chuckles)

Not that I would've let you

go through with this, anyway.

- Ed, just stop.

- What, what, what?

Listen, you're not the first

woman to be taken advantage of.

- Who said anyone took

advantage of me?

- He's not here, is he?

(Sighs) Look, I told you

it wasn't gonna work out.

- For your information,

he's coming...

next week.

- He is?

- Mhmm.

He had some very important

business to finish,

and then he will be here

on Saturday.

- Really?

- Huh!

- Yep, really!

- Oh! (Laughs)

Malcolm: Hold on.

Wait, you didn't tell 'em

that you called it off?

- And give my dad

the satisfaction

of seeing me fall flat

on my face?

- Yeah, well, he's gonna find

out one way or another.

- (Sighs heavily)

Yeah. Well, thank you

for listening.

- Hey, no problem.

And I'll take the cheque, too.

(Door bell jingles)

Wow.

- Someone ripped us off!

- What?

- Someone broke into

our hotel room,

and stole my damn boots!

- Uh, hold on, you got beat

for a pair of boots?

- That's where I stashed

the cash!

- I thought you were

in the room the whole time.

Huh?

- I was sleeping.

- You were sleeping?

- Yeah.

- Like a baby?

- Where the hell were you?

- What are you, five years old?

- What is--

- Hey!

- Thank you for what you did.

When my husband told me,

I couldn't believe it.

You're a saint.

- Eh, listen, I don't know what

you're talking about, woman.

You have yourself a good day,

okay? Thank you.

- From the pool hall,

yesterday.

- Uh-ah-ah! Uh uh uh!

- Hmm?

- You know what,

hey, you tripping.

Okay, you should go on

about your business,

or I'm gonna call the police.

- Okay...

- Yes, now, thank you.

- So what is it that you do

for Farmer Brown

that she's not gonna forget?

- (Nervous chuckle) Man...

Oh, come on, Ty,

you know she's like,

the girl is crazy.

Have some coffee, relax.

- Are you nuts? Huh?

That was my money!

My money!

- Listen to me, all right--

- I saved over three grand

in that damn boot!

- Look, we'll get it back,

okay?

It's not that big of a deal.

- (Laughs humourlessly)

- Hey Ty, Ty.

- Not that big of a deal...

- Ty, where you going, man?

Hey Ty, come on, where you--

- You're a dead man.

You're a dead man, Malcolm.

(Door slams)

- Oh my God.

(Blinds rattle)

Oh no!

(Panicked breathing) Oh!

Oh shit.

(Dishes clink)

Oh! Come on!

(Dishes clatter)

- Where'd he go?

Where's the back door?

Waiter: I don't want

any trouble,

I don't want to call

the police.

- Where's the back door?

- Through the kitchen.

- Oof! Ohhh...

(Coughs)

(Gas pump rattles)

(Malcolm pants heavily)

(Rustles)

(Gasping for breath)

Maya: Here you go.

(Footsteps thud)

(Truck door slams)

(Keys jingle)

(Engine turns)

- Hey!

(Engine rumbles)

Hey!

(Truck roars)

(Car engine roars)

(Thumping sound)

Malcolm: Ow!

- Oh my God! Aah! Aah!

- Hey, hey, shh!

Shh, shh, shh! It's me,

it's me, from the diner.

- What are you doing

in my truck?!

- Just don't stop,

I will explain later,

just keep on driving, okay?

- Okay, you can have my truck,

and there's money in my wallet,

just please don't hurt me!

- I don't want your money,

I don't want your truck!

Just please,

don't slow down, okay?

If he catches up to us,

I'm a dead man, okay?

- If who catches up to us?

- The guy in the orange car

behind us.

(Car rumbles)

He's got a gun,

and he's after me!

- Wait, why-why is he

after you?

- Because he thinks I stole

his money.

- What-what? Did you?

- No! No.

Gosh!

Sort of. Sort of, sort of.

- What do you mean, sort of?

Just keep talkin'!

- Okay look,

I met him at a pool hall

in Montreal,

and we were both headed west,

that's it.

- Wait, you're Canadian?

You don't sound Canadian!

- I was born in Montreal,

raised in Jersey,

he's Canadian too, all right?

- Oh, so a Canadian

with a gun is after you?

No, that does not sound right.

- We're just a bunch

of pool hustlers!

- You're a pool hustler?

- It's a long story,

but please,

you've gotta help me!

- Why should I?

- Why should you?

(Laughs) I mean, he's only

got a gun, right?

Sure, no big deal.

(Gasps) What if I helped

with your problem?

- What problem?

What're you talking about?

- Your folks think your

fiancee's coming.

And we both know that ain't

gonna happen, hm?

- Are you saying what I think

that you're saying?

- Yes! I'm your man!

- Okay, my fiancee is African.

- Yeah, but where do you think

the "African"

in "African-American"

comes from, huh?

Hm, now I got you thinking.

- (Sighs) Okay, hold on.

(Engine roars)

(Truck whooshes by)

(Tires squeal)

(Truck accelerates loudly)

(Birds chirp)

(Car rumbles)

(Rumble fades away)

(Plane rumbles)

(Passengers chatter)

- Honey, don't be so nervous.

You look beautiful.

(Maya sighs)

(Passengers chatter)

- Oh God, I'm such an idiot.

Why don't I learn?

- Honey, I don't think

there's anyone left.

Maybe he missed his flight.

- Maybe he's come

to his senses.

- Ed, I mean it.

- Well look, he's not here,

is he?

- Yeah, maybe you're right.

- Well, that's the first

sensible thing you've said

since you reached puberty.

- (Sighs) Aunt Clara,

there's something I should...

probably tell you.

- I uh...

- Uhmbowa tomobmba!

It is I...

Mtumbie,

your future son in-law.

- Oh!

- This is for you.

- For me?

- Yes, open it, please.

- Oh, okay, um...

uh... um, a spoon!

- Yes.

- Yes, no problem.

Oh my goodness!

Oh you are so beautiful, huh?

- Oh, thank you!

You are making my heart beat

like African drum.

- Oh, thank you.

- I see where beauty runs

in the family, Maya.

My goodness! (Laughs)

Wow, is this the-- yes!

King Lion, come here.

- Ah, it's okay.

- Oh, good meeting you.

- Yeah.

It is an honour to meet you,

sir.

- I'm sure it is.

- What are you waiting for,

go to him!

- Hi, baby. Hi.

- Hi!

- Mm. Mm. Mm.

(Clara gasps)

Mm. Mm. Ah.

Ooh, strawberries.

- (Laughs uncomfortably)

Um...

look at her, she's speechless!

- Well, that's a first.

- Ed, get--

Come, come.

- Get a room.

- Oh! Come!

- Coming, coming.

- Ed!

Grandma Rose: Hello!

Malcolm: Oh!

- Welcome.

- Oh, thank you.

Maya: This is my Grandma Rose.

- Oh! It is so nice

to meet you.

- Well, it's so nice

to meet you.

(Both laugh)

- Wow. Wow...

Clara: So, Mtumbie, I know

you must be exhausted

from that long trip,

and we've got a spare room

for you upstairs.

- Oh yeah, that's a good idea.

So let's go get you

set up upstairs.

- Uh, wait, um...

if you're not too tired,

there's a Tarzan marathon

running on TV tonight.

- Dad!

- What? I mean, if you think

it'll make you homesick,

you don't have to watch.

- I love Tarzan.

He is a national hero

in Africa.

- Really?

- Really?

- Really, yes.

(Laughs)

I'm sorry, it is a joke.

- Oh!

(All laugh)

- Yes! (Laughs)

LOL!

- Oh, you got me.

- Yes.

- Well, your man's got

a sense of humour,

maybe it'll rub off on you.

- Ooh. Wow.

You could fit an entire village

in your kitchen.

(All laugh)

Wow.

It's a zebra pattern wood.

Black and white.

Clara: Yes, yes, it is,

isn't it.

- That's something.

- Mhmm.

- Here you go.

(Suitcase thuds)

So...

what's with the accent?

- It's African.

- It's not African.

I don't know what it is,

but it's not South African.

And also, I told you

to buy a suit!

What's with the... robes?

- Haven't you seen

"Coming To America?"

Oh, come on.

- My God, you are as bad

as my father.

Make yourself at home.

(Door latch clicks)

- (Breathes deeply, groans)

(Dogs bark, muffled chatter,

music playing)

(Gasps)

Oh!

(Clara laughs)

- Aunt Clara, how could you

let me sleep in?

I'm supposed to open

the Rocky Point store!

- Well honey, that's the last

thing you need to think about

is the store, did you forget...

you have a wedding

in one week?

- No, I didn't forget.

- Well, I have Mike

covering for you,

so everything is fine.

Not to worry about it.

- It looks like somebody got

their freak on last night.

Hilary: Excuse me!

Did I teach you

to talk like that?

- I'm just saying.

- Maybe if you minded your

manners,

you'd be the one with a man.

- Hilary!

- Mom!

- I'm just saying.

- Okay, maybe I should go up

and check on Mtumbie, then.

- Oh, he's been up for hours.

He's out front

with your father.

- He's with dad?

- Mhmm.

Oh, and... (Chuckles)

your uncle Rufus

is on his way over.

(Hilary guffaws)

- When I told him you were

marrying an African,

he was so thrilled.

You know he considers himself

an expert on Africa.

(All laugh)

- He ain't been nowhere near

Africa, honey.

Hilary: He probably can't

even spell Africa.

Clara: You know he's coming

over with a dashiki on, watch!

- That he got from Wal-mart.

- Oh!

That's wrong Mamma,

that is just wrong.

(Ladysmith Black Mambazo sings)

♪♪♪

(Rufus laughs)

(Speaking in Zulu)

(Speaking in Zulu)

Maya: Uncle Rufus!

- Hi there!

- Hi! Hi.

- Hey, hi. Yeah.

- So glad you could make it.

So I see that you've met

my fiancee, Mtumbie.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It is a pleasure to meet you,

Uncle Rufus.

(All laugh uncomfortably)

- My uncle here is a kind of

an Afrophile.

- Ah!

- I have to brush up

on my Zulu a little bit,

because ah, I don't think

Mtumbie knew what I said.

- Oh well, that is because

I do not speak Zulu.

- I thought Ndebele spoke Zulu.

- Oh, that is because I am not

from South Africa.

- Oh.

- I actually moved to South

Africa recently,

I am from Nigeria!

All: Oh! (Laughing)

- Oh, okay, I got the accent.

- Yes.

- Uh, Yoruba, is that right?

- Yes it is right, yes.

- Yes, ah.

(Speaking in Yoruba)

- Very impressive!

(Laughs)

If I did not know any better,

I would say you were

from my village.

- Oh, thank you.

- No problem, uncle Rufus.

- Look, if I don't fix

this smoker,

we're not gonna have any

lunch at all.

- Ed, you should've took

my advice and got that

double lined vacuum seal

smoker, like the one I have.

It takes half the time,

and twice the flavor.

- Is there anything you're not

an expert at?

I thought so.

- That's just my opinion.

- Hm...

♪♪♪

(Waves crash)

- You know what, I must say,

I can't wait for this wedding.

Now are you guys gonna do

the traditional

Yoruba ceremony?

- No, we're just gonna have

a simple ceremony.

- But what about the Asun?

- Huh?

- I mean, why would you do

a wedding without getting

the blessings of your

ancestors, with the Asun?

- Uncle, you are right.

- Yeah!

- We will have a Asun, we will

not disappoint the ancestors.

Okay, we will have an Asun.

- That's right!

- What-what...

what's an Asun?

- Uncle, why don't you

explain to the family

what exactly is an Asun.

- Okay, yeah.

The Asun is a traditional

ceremony...

where the groom takes a knife,

and slits the goat's throat.

- Oh no!

- And then spills the blood

as an offering to the ancestors,

so the wedding can be blessed.

- Yes. You see?

It is simple, we'll take

the goat's head,

you slit the throat,

and then you-

okay, did you say a live,

like, a live goat?

Baa? Live?

- Yeah.

How else would you present

warm blood to your ancestors?

- Okay, there's not gonna be

any bloodletting at my wedding.

Okay?

- Thank you.

- Of course not, my princess.

We will not have any killing

of the goat.

- I'm glad we got that settled

without calling the UN.

April: All right everybody,

come and take a picture with me

while the light's still good.

All right, get close together

now. All right, perfect.

- Mtumbie, you know we can't

wait to meet your family.

- He doesn't have a family.

- Yes.

- What?

- Well, he's an orphan.

All: Oh.

- Well, you know what,

you got family now.

- Right.

- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Johnson.

- Just call me mom.

- Thank you, mom.

- Call me G-Mom.

- Oh, thank you, G-Mom.

- Call me Ed.

- All right, say cheese.

(Camera clicks)

(Crickets chirp, dog barks)

- I have lost my mind.

I'm never gonna get away

with this.

- Hey look, if you want

to call this quits,

that's fine with me, girl.

- What? No, no!

You can't leave now.

How would I explain that?

- I don't know, say that

we got into an argument,

and that-oh yeah, I'm calling

off the wedding.

- Have you not been listening

to anything

that I have told you? That is

exactly what my dad expects!

No, no.

There is gonna be a wedding.

- I thought you just wanted me

to be your fiancee.

- (Inhales sharply)

I've got it!

After the wedding, you...

die!

- (Laughs)

You know, this is starting

to sound

way too whacked for me, girl.

- Oh, no, no.

No, no, no. This is good.

This is good, okay, okay,

this is what's gonna happen:

after the wedding,

we're gonna tell my family that

we're going on our honeymoon

back to your home in Africa.

So then I will come home

and I will announce

that you have drowned

in a boating accident.

- Drowned in a boating

accident...

- And then it's over

and done with,

I'm a respectable widow.

- Okay look, you didn't say

nothin' about no drowning or--

- Oh, you don't really drown,

you're just gonna fake it.

- Fake it. Listen, I met

your family, girl,

and they seem like some nice,

regular black folk.

But what the hell

happened to you?

- (Scoffs) I saw that guy

who was after you.

If I had left you back there,

you'd be dead for real.

You owe me.

- Whoo! You're a piece of work,

you know that?

- I'm goin' to bed.

See you in the morning.

(Door slams)

- And I can swim, by the way.

- (Yawning) Hi.

- So we have to hurry, we have

a nine o'clock appointment.

And... oh, shoot.

We'll just grab some food

later, okay?

Malcolm: (Singing) Day-O!

Me say day me say day

me say day me say day...

- Ah... mmph!

- Mm, strawberries.

Good morning, sweetheart.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Mtumbie.

- Good morning, ladies.

- So, listen.

Maya and I have to make a run

but Ed is out back,

and I told him to show you

around while we're gone.

- Oh no, no, no, he can

come with us.

- No honey, don't be silly.

It's bad luck for the groom

to see the wedding dress.

- Mhmm.

- Okay?

And he needs to spend time

with your father.

- Um...

- Okay?

- Okay.

- It's good.

- Bye.

- Goodbye, ladies.

- Have a good day.

- You too.

- Okay, come on.

- Uh, we won't be long, right?

- We've gotta look at flowers,

and then you've gotta help me

pick a dress!

(Tools rattle)

- Good morning, Ed.

- Morning.

- It is a such a beautiful

day today, huh?

(Both chuckle)

So, what is it you

are building?

- A workshop.

(Boards clank)

(Ed grunts)

- I got it.

- Come on. Okay.

(Hammers thud)

- (Grunts)

I'm gonna go down

and get a beer.

You want one?

- Yes, Ed. Thank you.

- Okay.

(Hammers thud)

(Hammer thuds)

(Door creaks, bangs)

- That boy is good

with his hands.

Ed: Yeah...

who'dve thunk it.

(Laughs softly)

Clara: Okay, watch the box.

Maya: Okay.

- Yeah, I'll take these.

- Okay.

- Great.

- Good.

Got it?

- Whew! Okay.

Wow, we got a lot of stuff.

- Well, we need every bit

of it.

(Car door slams)

- Oh, look what I see!

Malcolm: Hello, ladies.

- How you doing?

- Good, good.

Hi, Maya.

(Chuckles)

Hi.

- (Laughs) Hey there!

- Hi.

- Hey, Naomi. Ahem!

- Girl, let me get that

for you.

♪♪♪

(Drill whirs)

- (Gasps, moans)

(Groans)

(Drill whirs)

Clara: What you lookin' at?

- Now, I like him.

He reminds me of a young

Denzel Washington.

He's got those same wonderful

eyes.

Mmm-mm-mm!

(Drill whirs)

- E Karo!

- (Chuckles)

- What?

- Eh, what was it?

- E Karo.

- E Karo!

That means good morning

in Yoruba.

(Chuckles)

She's not a morning person.

How do you say "killjoy?"

- Another time.

Finish, finish.

(Both laugh)

Clara: Oh, I gotta go.

I have to go look

at wedding cakes.

- No, no, Aunt Clara,

I told you,

I just wanna keep

things simple.

- Honey, you have

to have a cake.

Now, I know they have wedding

cakes in Africa.

Don't they?

- Anyway, stop talking

to her about weddings.

She don't know nothing

about weddings!

She ain't never been married.

Just do what you're supposed

to do.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Grandmamma loves you, honey.

But hush your mouth, all right?

(All laugh)

- Yes, these are

the dimensions,

and we'll put 'em here,

and here.

So the solar panels will be

arriving in two weeks.

Are you sure you can

install them?

- Oh, that is no problem.

- Wait, what's this about

solar panels in two weeks?

- Well, my future

son in-law here

will be putting in solar panels

when you two come back

from the honeymoon.

- Oh...

can I talk to you outside

for a second?

- Now?

- Mhmm.

- Okay.

(Malcolm sighs)

- What are you doing?

- What?

- You have my dad ordering

solar panels that he thinks

you're gonna install when we

come back from our honeymoon.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I've done 'em before.

- You're not coming back from

our honeymoon, remember?

- Oh yeah, I knew that.

Right.

Uh... I was just trying

to be convincing.

I mean, isn't that

the whole idea?

- I never asked for my dad

to like you.

I actually preferred it

when he didn't.

- Well, I'm just trying

to be myself.

- You're not supposed

to be yourself,

you're supposed to be Mtumbie!

(Groans)

- Where you going?

- I just need to be by myself

for a little.

(Seagulls cry)

(Waves crash)

(Maya sighs)

Do you not understand the

meaning of the word alone,

or do I have to say it

in Yoruba?

- (Laughs)

That's-that's funny.

(Waves crash)

(Seagulls cry)

♪♪♪

(Malcolm sighs)

(Both sigh)

- Can I ask you something?

- Like I have a choice.

- What kind of paintings

do you do?

- Oh.

Well, I haven't painted

in a while.

- And why is that?

- I've just got some stuff

I need to figure out.

- What kind of stuff?

- I don't know.

But when I get out of South Bay,

I'll figure it out.

- Why? What's wrong

with South Bay?

Why can't you just paint here?

It's beautiful.

- I'm not inspired here.

I just hit a wall.

- But this is where

you're from.

Where your pops, aunt,

G-mamma...

I mean, look at this.

Doesn't this account

for something?

- Maybe it's just me.

That's why I went off

to Africa,

to experience something

different.

- Yeah, you sure did that,

for sure.

(Both laugh)

Where do you keep

your paint supplies?

- In the sunroom

at the back of the house.

Why?

- Just asking.

Ahh...

(Birds chirp)

♪♪♪

(Seagulls cry)

- What are you doing?

- Painting.

You said you couldn't

paint in South Bay,

so I wanted to see

how hard it was.

- You wouldn't be trying

to prove a point?

- Oh, me? No.

(Laughs)

- Right.

- Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

Tut! Tut! Tut! Tut!

Tut! Tut!

I will show you when I am done.

- So are you still planning

on going to San Francisco

when we're...

done?

- I don't know.

I might just go back east.

Oof!

- How do you live like that?

Not having any direction.

- Ah, you just get used to it.

- Where's your family?

- I don't have none.

- You must have some family.

- Nope.

I'm an orphan.

- I am so sorry, I had no idea.

I totally made that up when

I said that to my family,

I just didn't want them

asking questions.

- Okay, hey, relax.

How could you have known?

- So how long have you been

an orphan?

That's a stupid question.

- Since I was four.

Yeah, my folks died

in a car crash.

Yeah, I had no close relatives

that wanted to take me in,

and so I was put up

for adoption.

But honestly, I think I was

kind of homely as a kid,

which didn't help.

(Both laugh)

I mean, you go into this place,

you got all these strangers,

and you're all like,

can you pick me?

Pick me, pick me!

And they just kinda smile,

and move on.

It's always those damn cute

ones

that always get to go first.

Uhh! (Splash)

- Well, it's their loss.

Because you couldn't be

more handsome now.

- (Laughs)

Hey! Hey!

- (Laughs)

- What?

It's not abstract enough

for you?

- (Laughs)

(Giggles)

- That's right, that's me,

and that's you.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- Hold on.

- No, no, no.

(Giggles)

- Okay...

- Yes.

Whoops! I'm so... sorry.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh, now you look

like a real artist.

Something's on your shirt.

Oh! Okay, you know...

(Both laugh)

- Yeah?

See, what're you doing? Oh!

- I'm just painting!

I'm trying to paint out here.

- Oh yeah? Oh! Oh!

Really nice.

(Both laugh)

- I am trying--

I'm a real artist.

- Hey, wait a minute!

(Both laugh)

Oh wow.

- Ah...

It's actually not that bad.

- Yeah, not bad. Hold on,

one-one little...

just one little touch, hold on.

Wow, green suits you.

- (Laughs)

- You're not bad in purple.

I think that...

we need to shower.

- Yeah.

(Both laugh)

- (Sighs)

It's all yours.

- Yeah, thanks, I'll--

- Where you going?

- To use the shower

in the house.

- Oh well, there's like,

more than enough room

in there for the two of us.

- In your dreams.

(Water splashes)

(Water splashes)

- (Whistling)

(Humming)

(Tap creaks)

- Oh, oh, oh, let me

get that for you.

- Huh? Oh! Aah!

- Better dry you off before

you catch a cold.

- Um-uh...

- I am fine,

but thank you very much.

- Okay yeah, I can see that.

You know what you need?

- Yes, my clothes.

- A woman who appreciates you.

♪♪♪

- Maya, she appreciates me

very, very much.

- Hmm, if I had a man like you,

there would only be one

thing on...

- Oh! Ah.

- my mind.

- Oh my, what do you think

you are doing?

- The way you looked at me

the other day.

I felt the sparks,

and so did you.

- Uh, uh, uh, uh! No, no, no,

no, you are her cousin!

- Once removed.

- Yeah, but we are getting

married in two days.

Two days.

- You can do a lot in two days.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want that,

I am not that kind of a man.

Oh goodness! No!

- Look, it's obvious there's

nothing between you and Maya,

or you wouldn't have looked

at me like that.

- Looked at you?

No, no, no, it was a mistake.

- Mhmm.

- Okay, it was hot,

and I am sorry.

- I know, it was hot,

but the heat wasn't coming

from the sun,

if you know what I mean?

- No, no, no, no, no.

Maya and me, we have...

bumboya.

- Bumboya?

- Yes, bumboya.

It is when the Gods

put love in the hearts

of the man, and the woman,

and if anyone gets in between

their Bumboya,

they will be cursed forever!

(Snaps fingers)

- Whoa! Okay.

- Yes.

- Okay well, you can't knock

a girl for trying.

I didn't know you guys

had bumboya.

No hard feelings?

I guess I'll see you

at the wedding.

- Yes. Okay.

Bumboya!

Clara: So how many of the large

ones do you have?

- I have four.

- Oh, okay.

- But you could just

hang that one.

- Yeah, and then

if we need more,

we can always just get more.

Then we have enough of these.

Look, I don't want--

- Oh! Ouch.

Oh! Oh! Ah!

- Hi, ladies.

- Hi.

- Bye, ladies.

- Bye.

Well! I declare.

(Clara laughs)

- Okay...

(Sighs)

(Knocks)

(Door opens)

- Hey.

Whoa.

(Slams door)

Did I do something?

(Knocks)

I was--

(Rustling)

- What in the--

I think Maya just threw

the flowers out the window.

- What?

That's what she did.

Well, maybe it's some kind

of African custom.

- Why'd you do that?

- I just saw you with Naomi!

- Naomi? What?

- I warned you not to make

a pass at her!

- What are you talking about?

- I just saw you behind

the boathouse.

- You just saw me behind...

(Gasps) Oh! Mm-mm!

Mm-mm, it ain't like that,

honestly.

It was just a misunderstanding,

okay?

- You expect me to believe

that?

God!

(Sighs heavily)

What?

- You're jealous.

- Of what?

- Come on.

Admit it, you've got

feelings for me.

Mhmm.

- Feelings?

- Yeah.

- Yeah sure, I've got feelings.

Let's start with nausea,

repulsion,

not to mention pity.

- You've got it really bad.

Ooh!

- Oh, God! You know, you are

one twisted individual!

I couldn't care less if

you're interested in Naomi.

I'm sure she's your type.

After this honeymoon is over,

you're out of my life for good,

thank God, and you can go

and find some other Naomi

in some other town.

I'm sure they're easy to find.

(Footsteps stomp)

- Maya...

- Maya, what--

Wow! Um...

What is going on?

(Door slams)

- Hey! Hey, will you just

listen to me, please?

Oh great, where are you going?

- I'm taking a drive.

(Doors slam)

Get out!

- No.

- Get out of my car!

- No, I'm not getting out

until you listen to me.

- (Sighs)

Two more days and we're done.

You think you can keep it

in your pants until then?

Ed: Hey!

- Hi, dad.

- Clara wants to know

what you want for dinner.

She's invited your Aunt Hillary

and cousin Naomi over.

- Oh, that's too bad,

because we were just about

to go out to dinner.

- Okay.

- Nice.

(Car starts)

(Diners chatter)

- Hi, how are you all

doin' tonight?

- Good, could we get a table

for two, please?

- You're in luck, I've got

a table with a great view.

- Um, no, thank you.

We'll just take one that's

like, in the back.

- Sure.

(Patrons chatter)

- Thank you.

- Have a great evening.

- Thanks.

- Well, their jerk chicken

is good here.

- Oh, hot 'n spicy.

I didn't think

you'd be into that.

Look listen,

let me explain this, okay?

What happened over there

was not-- oh!

Come here right now, please.

Come here right now.

The guy that you helped me

get away from,

he's literally sitting

over there.

Why are you looking?

Don't look, please!

Can you just relax, please?

Calm down, all right?

What-- stop looking!

No, just pay attention, okay?

Just be cool, all right?

Just be cool!

(Panicked breathing)

Did he see me?

He didn't see me.

He didn't see me, right?

Did he see me?

No, stop, why do you keep

looking over there?

Would you stop moving, please?

Okay?

(Grunting with effort)

- What do I do?

- Act natural.

I went to the bathroom,

I left, something.

- Hey, hi.

Um, I guess I will be

eating alone.

- Okay.

- Okay.

♪♪♪

- (Sighs heavily)

(Thumping, rustling)

Oh! Ugh!

Man: (Laughs loudly)

He went right in there!

(Dishes clink)

- (Knocking)

Is he gone?

- No, he's still there.

It doesn't seem like

he's in much of a hurry.

So I should probably

order some dessert, and...

kill some more time

'til he leaves.

- Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you send me down some food?

(Fork clinks)

Oh, I appreciate it.

That's it?

You ain't got nothing else?

Some rice and beans, anything?

- (Laughs)

- Oh, man!

Honestly, it felt like I was

under there for hours.

- Yeah, he's a slow eater.

- (Groans)

- What I wanna know is,

what happens if he actually

finds you?

- He's honestly just

passin' through town,

he's probably gonna be gone

by tomorrow.

(Groans) Ohhh!

- A pool hustler!

What is wrong with me?

(Engine turns)

- Oh, man!

♪♪♪

(Crickets chirp)

♪ If love is deeper ♪

♪ Deeper than all the seas ♪

♪ Bigger than you and me ♪

♪ Stronger than pride ♪

♪ And if it's meant to be ♪

♪ But we're just afraid ♪

♪ So we fight our own destiny ♪

♪ And keep it inside ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Walls are closing

in on us now ♪

♪ Are we so lost ♪

♪ We just can't be found ♪

♪ If only I would let myself ♪

♪ Feel what I feel ♪

♪ I'd lose my mind

and trust my heart ♪

♪ 'Cause this time it's real ♪

♪ If love is brighter ♪

♪ Brighter than any star ♪

♪ It loves you

for who you are ♪

♪ Then why do we hide? ♪

♪ And if forever ♪

♪ Means there's no space

or time ♪

♪ Then this is our moment now ♪

♪ Let's take it and fly ♪

♪ There's no wall that

love can't bring down ♪

♪ No fear

it can't turn around ♪

♪ If only I would let myself ♪

♪ Feel what I feel ♪

♪ I'd lose my mind

and trust my heart ♪

♪ 'Cause this time it's real ♪

(Crickets chirp)

(Malcolm sighs)

- Oh, Mtumbie.

It's awfully late to be

going out, ain't it?

- Oh, good evening, G-mamma.

Yes, I was just going

for a walk.

- Ah, with your suitcase?

- Yes.

Uh... yes, it is actually

African custom for the groom

to walk around the wife's

dwelling

with all of his belongings

to bring good luck.

- In America,

we call that "cold feet."

- (Clicks tongue)

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight, sweetheart.

- (Laughs)

(People chatter, siren wails)

- All right! Drinks on me,

ladies.

- Oh no, I really

gotta get back.

- Oh, come on, there are really

cute guys at Hal's,

you might see something you

like and change your mind,

while you still can.

- I doubt that, have fun.

- All right.

- Okay.

- Okay. Bartender, dibs.

- Uh no, I saw him first.

- Mmm...

- You always do that!

("Here Comes the Bride"

on piano plays)

♪♪♪

(Guests murmur quietly)

(Ed laughs)

- Well, you're gonna be

just fine.

- All right, I'm okay.

(Guests chatter)

♪♪♪

(Door clicks)

- (Groans)

Whew! Okay.

(Sighs heavily)

(Door creaks)

Ooh...

Okay.

(Sighs) Aaah!

(Startled gasp then relieved)

- Are you sure you're all

right?

- I'm good. I'm good,

thanks, I'm good.

Uh... oh, well,

look at that, huh?

I am starting to sound

American.

(Laughs) Holy cow!

(Forced laugh)

- Maya should be here

any minute.

I'm gonna go check.

- All right.

- You stay put.

- You were supposed to be here

an hour ago to get ready.

- Well yes, but you know,

It doesn't take me

a whole hour, so.

- Well, where were you?

- I was just at the church,

making sure my date is okay.

- Oh, you have a date?

- Yeah. Why?

- Just...

when we spoke yesterday

you didn't have a date.

- Well, I do now.

- Okay, who is he?

- Oh, no one you know,

he's not from around here.

- Wait! The guy from

the bar last night?

- Mm, yeah.

- Okay, don't you think

picking up a guy at a bar

and bringing him to a wedding

is a little much?

- Well, first of all,

I did not pick him up,

he picked me up.

Second of all, maybe

you shouldn't talk,

just 'cause well, you know,

you're marrying a guy

you barely know,

and um, you picked him up

in the jungle.

- (Sighs heavily)

Okay...

(Claps)

Oh God...

- What's up, Malcolm?

Or is it Mtumbie?

- Tyrell.

Long time, man.

Oh, come on, why you

gotta be like that?

Oh wow, you working out.

- I want my money.

- Look, I don't got your money.

- I think you do.

- Look, I gave it to them,

I didn't keep one penny.

- That's your problem.

- Of course, right.

(Whistles) Huh.

That's a big gun.

So how we uh,

how you gonna do this?

- I want-I want in on the scam.

- What scam?

- I've been doing my homework

on the Johnsons.

- Uh-huh?

- Yeah...

Yeah, hard working,

a very prosperous family.

I'm not sure what

your angle is,

but I'm sure you got it

all worked out.

- Yeah, what makes you think

this is all a scam?

- Look...

the girl's pretty, no doubt.

- Mhmm.

- But if you were planning

on sticking around,

you'd would've used

your real name... Mtumbie.

Hey, that-that's rich.

- Oh, whoa. It ain't even

like that.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I just want my share.

- (Claps)

- All right, okay.

So it goes like this.

Once we get back

from the honeymoon,

the father is gonna give us

one of the hardware stores.

Once it's in my name I'm going

to take out a bank loan

of 100k against the store.

I disappear with the cash,

the family's on the lookout

for Mtumbie and then boom!

They don't care about

the money so much,

other than the fact that I broke

their little girl's heart.

- (Chortles)

("Here Comes the Bride" plays)

(Guests murmur excitedly)

♪♪♪

(Guests whisper, cameras click)

♪♪♪

(Woman cries quietly)

(Hush falls)

- It's all good,

I got it under control.

- How?

- Is um... is there a problem?

- No, no, no,

everything's good.

I just want to get it

over with.

- Of course.

- (Chuckles)

- Mtumbie...

- Hmm?

- Do you take Maya to be your

lawfully wedded wife,

to love, honor and cherish

'til death do you part?

- (Gulps loudly)

Maya: Ahem! Ahem!

- You cool?

- I do.

All: Awww!

- And Maya,

do you take Mtumbie to be your

lawful wedded husband,

to love, honor and cherish

until death do you part?

- (Gasps)

- Mhmm!

- Hmm?

- Yes!

- (Sighs)

I do.

- Then by the power

vested in me,

I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

- Now?

(Both sigh)

(Guests applaud and cheer)

("Signed, Sealed, Delivered

I'm Yours" by Stevie Wonder)

♪ Oh yeah baby, ♪

♪ Like a fool I went

and stayed too long ♪

♪ Now I'm wondering

if your love's still strong ♪

♪ Ooh baby, ♪

♪ Here I am, signed, sealed

delivered, I'm yours ♪

(Women cheer and laugh)

(Applause)

- Welcome to the family, son.

- Thank you, Papa.

- Our new son!

Oh, welcome.

♪ Ooh baby ♪

♪ Here I am signed, sealed,

delivered, I'm yours ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

- To family!

- To family.

♪ You got my future

in your hands, baby ♪

♪ I... here I am, baby ♪

♪ I got my future

in your hands ♪

♪ Signed, sealed,

delivered, I'm yours ♪

Naomi: Let's get a cocktail!

- So uh, what's going on

with Tyrell?

- Oh.

- 'Cause I thought

he was after you.

- Yeah he was, but you know,

I've got it under control.

Just relax, enjoy the wedding,

All right?

I got it.

You look really nice.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

♪ It's a beautiful night ♪

♪ We're lookin' for something

dumb to do ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ I think I wanna marry you ♪

(All laugh)

♪ Is it the look

in your eyes ♪

♪ Or is it this dancing juice ♪

♪ Who cares baby

I think I wanna marry you ♪

- We'll be back!

- No problem, mama.

- Muah!

(Malcolm sighs)

- Hah, brother.

- Uncle Rufus.

- You know I know that

wedding's a scam, right?

- I'm sorry?

- The question is,

are you gonna do

the right thing?

- Look, I was just trying

to help Maya, that's it.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

It'll just be me and your

little secret, okay?

- So you won't tell anyone?

- You and I both know if you

don't perform the Asun,

you won't get the blessings

from the ancestors.

You know that!

- The Asun.

- Yeah, the Asun.

- The goat's blood.

- Goat's blood.

- Yes.

- And when you guys

get to Africa,

you can do your ceremony and

Maya's family won't even know.

- No problem.

(Both laugh)

- You're starting to sound

a little American, though.

- (Laughs nervously)

- Chicago? Detroit?

- Nigeria, Yoruba.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dayton, Ohio.

(Both laugh awkwardly)

- Oh, Uncle Rufus.

(Siren wails)

(Car rumbles)

♪♪♪

(Door slams)

(Trunk thuds shut)

(Knocks)

- Welcome to the honeymoon

suite, as you can see--

- Oh, we don't need a tour.

(Ice rattles)

Here.

- Enjoy your stay.

(Door clicks shut)

- (Sighs)

- (Sighs)

- Malcolm?

- Uh, yeah?

- Thank you.

- For what?

- For doing this.

- Oh! Yeah, um...

I had a break in my schedule.

(Both laugh)

- Well, I guess this is it.

- Yeah.

(Sighs)

I hope your plan works.

- So...

- (Sighs heavily)

Oh...

Good luck.

- Yeah, you too.

- And uh, Maya...

- Yeah?

- Um, you may not know it now,

but you really do have

a great family.

- Thanks.

- (Shakily) Enjoy.

♪♪♪

(Sighs heavily)

(Door clicks open and shuts)

♪ Anyone who ever dreamed

could look at me ♪

♪ And know I dream of you ♪

♪ Knowing I love you so ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart ♪

♪ Would take me in his arms ♪

♪ And love me too ♪

♪ You couldn't really have

a heart and hurt me ♪

♪ Like you hurt me

and be so untrue ♪

- (Gasps)

Malcolm!

(Vacuum whirs)

♪ Every time you go away ♪

♪ I always say ♪

♪ This time it's goodbye,

dear ♪

♪ Loving you the way I do ♪

♪ I take you back ♪

♪ Without you I'd die, dear ♪

♪ Knowing I love you so ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart

would take me in his arms ♪

♪ And love me too ♪

♪ You couldn't really have

a heart and hurt me ♪

♪ Like you hurt me

and be so untrue ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart

would love me too ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart

would surely take me ♪

♪ In his arms

and always love me ♪

♪ Why won't you? ♪

♪ Anyone who had a heart

would love me too yeah ♪

(Family whispers)

- I-I just-um...

- I'm so sorry.

- (Sobbing)

(Sighs)

- (Sighs)

- Hey, auntie.

- Hi, honey.

- How's Maya?

- Well, she's uh...

she's holding up.

- (Sighs)

- Aww...

- Who you looking for?

- Tyrell, he's my date.

- You brought a date

to a wake?

Rufus: Why can't you bring

a date to a wake?

I mean, in Africa,

a wake is a celebration!

Live music and libations.

- But we're not in Africa,

so I'm sure you'll forgive us

if we're not up for partying

right now.

- I mean, Mtumbie would've

wanted it this way.

I'm just saying.

- I'm just saying,

give it a rest.

- (Sighs)

- Where is Maya?

- She's up in her room, honey.

- Okay.

Naomi: Mtumbie was a great guy.

- (Sighs, sobs)

Maybe that's why you two

couldn't keep your hands

off each other.

Oh, don't give me that look.

I saw you guys on the beach.

- I don't know what

you're talking about!

Hmph!

Okay, yes,

I made a pass at him.

You know how I am,

I can't help myself!

- He was my fiancee.

How could you do that to me?

- Hey, I'm the one who

should be upset.

- You?

- I've never had bumboya

with anyone.

- What is bumboya?

- I don't know, some love

thing from the Gods.

Anyway, Mtumbie says

you guys have it.

- He said that?

(Airbrakes squeal)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(Family speaks in hushed tones)

♪♪♪

(Engine revs)

(Tires squeal)

(Family talks quietly)

- Um, it's so hard.

- I know.

(Doorbell rings)

- I got it.

- Hello, I am Mtumbie.

- Hmm... hm.

Tyrell: Hey, Malcolm.

Welcome back to the living.

Get your ass in.

- (Groans)

(Door slams)

- Why you slammin' my shit?

- Look, I know what you're

thinking, all right?

- Now, how the hell do you know

what I'm thinking,

when I don't even know

what I'm thinking?

- I lied to you about the scam.

- I can see that.

Obviously you're not in it

for the hardware store,

so what's the deal, huh?

- Honestly man, if I told you,

you wouldn't even believe me.

Naomi: Maya, there's a man

here to see you.

I think he's from Africa.

- Maya.

(Sighs)

- (Gasps)

Clara: Uh... ahem!

Hello, I'm Clara.

- Hi.

- Maya's aunt, and um...

this is her father, Ed.

- What a great pleasure it is

to meet Maya's family.

She has told me so much

about you.

- Oh!

- What?

- Oh my God!

(Maya gasps)

- Will you marry me,

Maya Johnson?

- D-did you just ask my

daughter to marry you?

- Oh shit.

- Forgive me, sir,

how inconsiderate of me.

- Hmm.

- May I have permission

to marry your daughter?

- Will somebody tell me...

what the hell's going on here?

Rufus: Ed, you know,

it's-it's normal.

It's an African custom

that when the husband--

- Oh shhh!

- There is no excuse

for what I did.

And I'm very sorry.

- This girl, Maya,

is she in on it?

'Cause she sure had me fooled

with all them tears

she's been shedding over you.

- Really?

She was crying over me?

- All right,

that tells me that uh...

she wasn't in on it.

- (Groans)

- Man, the only person being

scammed here is me.

- Right, right.

- I was just doing it

as a favor to her.

She needed an African husband,

and...

- An African?

- Yeah, and I played the part,

man.

- (Laughs)

- Right.

- (Chuckles)

- Yeah...

- After you left, I chased

after you in my car.

I drove very, very badly

along a winding road,

and the car went over the side.

- Oh!

- It flipped over many times,

and I was hurt very badly.

The next thing I remember,

I am in a hospital.

And the machine by my bed

that goes beep beep,

beep beep, beep beep,

beep beep,

well, the machine was

beep beeping no more.

- Ohhh!

- Huh?

- And then an angel

comes to me.

- An angel?

- Great big wings.

And she whispers in my ear.

- Uh...

- "Go to Maya."

Just like that.

- Oh!

- I cry out in catharsis,

I must find my Maya,

I must tell her,

proclaim to her my love.

And then, the machine starts

beeping again.

- Uh huh...

- Hmph!

- (Laughs) You take me

for a damn fool, huh?

Listen.

I'm in 50/50,

or I'm gonna bust a cap

in your ass.

- Then do it.

- I ain't playin'.

- I ain't playin' either.

You gonna shoot me, do it now,

and get it over with,

'cause I ain't got nothing

to lose, man.

I'm already dead.

- Where do you think

you're goin'?

Sit your ass-- hey!

Malcolm!

Dang it!

Listen, man.

Hey, hey, hey!

What the hell is wrong

with you, man?

Look, all I'm asking for is my

little piece of the action!

- Aren't you listenin'

to me man,

there ain't no money, okay?

If you're gonna shoot me,

just do it now, and get it

over with, all right?

Do it. Just do it.

- You're bluffing.

- Oh, I'm bluffing.

Okay, if I'm bluffing, call it.

Call it. Call it!

Or get your punk ass

outta here.

- (Chuckles)

- Yeah.

- Oh, a tough guy

all of the sudden.

It's the chick, huh?

You fell for her. God!

It's always a chick.

- Please, will you still

marry me?

Please, Maya.

What about South Africa?

What about us?

Your art? Maya!

- I...

- You ain't even worth

me wasting,

because like you said,

you're already a dead man.

(Chuckles meanly)

(Laughs)

You have a good day, princess.

(Laughs to himself)

(Engine turns and rumbles)

(Brakes squeak)

(Tires squeal, engine revs)

- (Laughs)

- Please, Maya.

- (Groans)

- Um... okay everyone,

there's something that I need

to tell you.

(Doorbell rings)

- Oh!

Grandma Rose: Who is it?

(Gasps)

Is it really you?

- It is I, G-mamma.

(Clara cries out)

- (Sobs) Oh! Ohhh!

- What is going on?

Grandma Rose: Look, everybody!

- (Ed gasps, Maya sighs)

(All gasp)

- Johnsons.

I am alive.

- (Growls)

- I made it out of the water.

I swam to an island and then

a fishing man picked me up.

I had lost all of my memory,

and...

suddenly it just.. (snaps)

came back to me.

- Hmm.

- That's almost the same story!

All: Hmm...

Maya: Malcolm, it's over.

- What? What is over?

And who is this Malcolm?

- No, seriously.

You don't have to do

this anymore.

It's just-it's time to tell

everyone the truth.

- What are you talking about?

- Yeah, what are you

talking about?

- Um...

After I told you I was engaged,

I caught Mtumbie cheating on me.

Malcolm: I...

Cousins: Oh!

- No, not-not Malcolm!

The real Mtumbie.

Ed: Grrr!

After I found him I called

off the engagement,

and I came home.

But when I saw you

at the airport,

I just couldn't tell you

the truth so I lied,

and said that he was coming.

- But... he did come...

didn't he?

- Not really.

- Mm! Mm! Mm!

- I met Malcolm

at a diner in town,

and I convinced him to pretend

to be Mtumbie.

He was just doing me a favor.

- This... (Gasps)

- And we didn't really go

to Africa on our honeymoon.

We just...

we stayed in L.A.

And when I came back

I made up the whole story

about him drowning.

- Oh lord.

- Are you insane?

I mean...

I can't believe you did this.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry?!

You're sorry?!

Your aunt Clara and your

grandmother have been looking

at pictures of your wedding,

crying over this man that

we thought was Mtumbie.

I mean, I-I don't know

what's worse,

thinking that he was dead,

or knowing that this

is all a lie!

- I didn't mean to hurt you.

I didn't mean to hurt

any of you.

- Why did you do it?

- Because I couldn't face you.

- You did all this because you

couldn't face me?

That is the stupidest thing

I ever heard!

Clara and Grandma Rose: Ed!

- See, this is exactly

what I'm talking about!

- Am I that horrible a dad

that you couldn't come to me

with the truth?

- I wanted to tell you,

but every time I tried,

you'd make some big deal

about how he's from Africa,

you don't want me to marry

an African,

and you think that I'm making

a huge mistake,

and so I clammed up!

- Sweetheart, I didn't not want

you to marry an African,

I-I don't care where

he was from.

I just didn't want you

to go away.

That's why I built

the art studio out back.

- Wait, the workshop is for me?

- I wanted you to have a place

to do your art.

It was going to be a surprise.

All: Awww...

- I'm really sorry, Dad.

- Me too.

(Both sigh)

- But the truth is,

(Sighs)

I really fell in love

with Malcolm.

Clara: Ohh...

- W-which one is Malcolm?

- (Laughs)

- Yeah, and I fell in love

with Maya, too.

- Well, don't tell us,

go tell her!

- Oh, G-mamma.

She already knows.

Come here, girl.

(All laugh)

Cousins: Oh! Aww! Ohhh!

- Oh, look at them!

(All laugh)

- Hi. I don't think we've

actually haven't met yet.

I'm Naomi.

- Mtumbie.

♪ It's a beautiful night ♪

♪ We're lookin' for something

dumb to do ♪

♪ Hey baby, I think

I wanna marry you ♪

(Maya laughs)

- (Laughs)

♪ Is it the look in your eyes ♪

♪ Or is it this dancing juice ♪

♪ Who cares baby,♪

♪ I think I wanna marry you ♪

- I can't believe this.

- Mtumbie is back!

- No! (Laughs)

(Birds chirp,

elephant trumpets)

(Lion growls)

(Elephant trumpets)

Malcolm: I'm so glad we got

to come here for our honeymoon.

Maya: Oh, me too.

But did we have to bring

my entire family?

- Oh, nice, nice, nice!

- Let's go hear the roar

of the lion.

- Oh yes, I love lions!

- Eww!

- Are we gonna be safe, though?

- Do you see the elephants?

- What? Ooh, ooh, I see!

- Nakutakia siku njema!

- What does that mean,

Uncle Rufus?

- He don't know!

- (Stammers)

(All laugh)

- Oh man, let me see!

- I love it! Oh yeah!

- Ah, ooh! Man, look at that!

- This is so fun!

- Day-o!

Day-day-o!

- Yeah! Hey, look!

(All laugh)

- Hoo-ah! Yeehaw!

- Oh, Clara! I love it!

Africa! (Laughs)

Ed: Africa!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- Maya...

(Both laugh)

- Cut.

(Rufus sings,

all laugh)

(All laugh, clap)

- Live music,

and ohh!

Libation!

- And a fishing boat

had picked me up.

- (Snorts laughter)

- This is not funny.

- You got that brand new

sealed vacuum sealer.

Okay, double sealed

smoke vacuum smoke--

Double smoked

vacuum cleaner.

Ed: Is there anything that

you're not an expert at?

- Yes, these lines.

(All laugh)

- I went to--

(All laugh)

- (Bangs) Yeah!

What the--

(Laughs)

- Oh no!

- Oh no!

- (Laughs)