Love, Guaranteed (2020) - full transcript
To save her small law firm, earnest lawyer Susan takes a high-paying case from Nick, a charming new client who wants to sue a dating website that guarantees love. But as the case heats up, so do Susan and Nick's feelings for each other.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury,
my client demands that the scales
of justice be tipped in his favor.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
it is time to rip off the blindfold
and let justice see.
Sorry, honey, you were really on a roll,
but I got court in ten, so...
I am liking that second version.
Thanks!
I should use
the basement ladies' room more often.
It's where all the magic happens.
These were supposed to be
Jerome Johnson's golden years.
A widower, starting to date again.
Crossing items off his bucket list,
like zipping around town
on one of those hip electric scooters.
What was not on his list was a broken hip
from being sideswiped
by a city bus on Pike Street.
The Seattle Transit Authority
thwarts victims
from pursuing damages by overwhelming them
with confusing, endless,
bureaucratic red tape.
They count on justice to turn a blind eye.
But it is time
to rip off the blindfold
and let justice see.
You saved my heinie in there, kid.
I'll find a way to pay you back.
- I promise.
- Don't worry about it.
Just get home safe.
All right.
Nah, I ghosted her. She gone.
Nothing but net.
Excuse me, you... um...
♪ Children behave ♪
♪ That's what they say
When we're together ♪
♪ And watch how you play ♪
♪ They don't understand ♪
♪ And so we're running
Just as fast as we can ♪
♪ Holding on to one another hands ♪
♪ Trying to get away into the night ♪
♪ Then you put your arms around me ♪
♪ And we tumble to the ground
And then you say ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ There doesn't seem to be
Anyone around ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ The beating of our hearts
Is the only sound ♪
- Hey, sis! How'd it go?
- Hey.
Score one for the good guys.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
Want to come over and celebrate?
Gideon's teaching Oliver to make pizza.
Aww.
- Oh.
- My bad!
We might be ordering that pizza.
Uh... you know, I would.
But I'm just kinda beat,
and I got a full inbox calling my name,
so, rain check?
Game night Friday.
Yes, definitely.
Monopoly money's the only kind
I'm going to be seeing this week.
- See ya.
- Bye!
Yeah!
- I'm ordering Domino's!
- Ooh, That's smart.
Good morning, Seattle.
The forecast is rain, rain,
and, yep, more rain.
And now it's time
for the KNVB radio traffic report.
Okay.
No, Ms. Kapoor, just, just slow down.
Okay, what's happening?
No, your landlord can not put
a padlock on your front door.
Double espresso for Nick.
Pumpkin spice latte for Susan.
Yes. Yes, I'm sure.
Yes. No, I don't care
what the notice says.
I'm positive.
And it's not just immoral,
by the way, it's illegal.
Yes. All right, well I'm gonna get into it
with his lawyer
as soon as I'm back at the office.
Yes. I'm so sorry this is happening,
you know, it's not--
- Oh.
- I'm so sorry, I just didn't see you.
Guess they forgot to patch me in.
Uh...
Okay.
No, I'm still here.
Yes, I will call you as soon as I can.
You know it's a scam, right?
What?
Pumpkin spice latte. No pumpkin in it.
- Just pumpkin flavoring.
- Hmm.
Every fall, the coffee industry acts like
some bountiful pumpkin harvest
just came in,
so they can peddle their drinks
to the masses.
You're drinking a lie.
Why are you still talking to me?
I dunno, we're walking
in the same direction?
Better to make conversation
than have awkward silence, right?
This is neither.
This is an awkward conversation.
Well... then it's both.
- Can I help you with something?
- The door? I have a 9 a.m. appointment.
- Welcome to Whitaker and Associates.
- Thank you.
Congratulations!
- Yay!
- Woohoo!
Okay...
Where's the water cooler going?
The wave was part celebration,
part smoke screen.
Turns out, pro bono is Latin
for tap water.
If you're gonna work for free,
I have to make budget cuts.
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye.
Bye.
Hello.
Is it my birthday?
You must be Nick Evans.
Nick is your 9 a.m..
This is awkward.
So... how can I help you, Mr. Evans?
I need a lawyer.
And you have a reputation
of being one of the classiest
bus bench lawyers in town.
Never done a bus bench ad.
Oh, I'm sorry, what is it?
Is it ambulance chaser?
Is that what it's called?
- Civil litigator works fine.
- Civil litigator.
That's cool.
Alright, well, how much you charge?
- Let's talk about your complaint first.
- Right.
I want to sue Love Guaranteed.
- The dating website?
- Mm-hm.
Okay. Were you threatened on a date?
Stalked? Harmed?
Worse. I'm a victim of fraud.
- Sorry?
- Love Guaranteed is robbing people
of 29.95 a month
with their slogan,
"You'll find love, guaranteed."
Well, I've been on 986 different dates,
and not one of them has provided me love.
Nine hundred and eighty-six dates with...
actual human women?
Yes, the user agreement fine print
states that
a subscriber must go on 1000 different
dates for the guarantee to apply.
Their lawyers clearly thought
no one would go through with it, but...
I did!
Well, home stretch anyways,
I got like a dozen to go.
Yeah, I'm just...
still a little in the weeds
on this whole 986 dates of it all.
Uh... how is that even possible?
It's a great question.
Uh, breakfast, lunch, and dinner dates.
- That's how I do it.
- Okay.
Guy's gotta eat, right?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe
love was never found
because no woman wants to hear
"Guy's gotta eat, right"?
I'm not saying it at the date.
I'm not like, "Hey, guy's gotta eat."
I'm not doing that, that's not what
I'm doing. I'm thinking it in my head.
Look, the point is, I have a case.
Okay, a winnable case.
I didn't pass the bar yesterday.
I know what this is.
What is it?
This is a classic "gotcha" lawsuit.
Find a loophole, take the easy cash.
Think what you want, but Love Guaranteed
is profiting off the lonely souls
of the world.
It is not right.
It is reckless endangerment
of the human heart
and I will not stand for it.
The human heart! Right.
It's good.
So, how much for a retainer?
Let me review the merits
of your case first.
Go ahead. Don't take too long.
Pretty sure your team
would like the return
of their water cooler.
How'd it go?
Someone looks like they could
use a cocktail.
- It's 9:15.
- Never stopped me.
Oh. What else we got?
Bills, bills,
and oh hey, look, more bills.
Mr. Bahar wants to defer payment
another month.
And there's a scary-looking
envelope from the landlord.
But I did put a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon
in there, so it's not all bad news.
- You're doing the Lord's work, Denise.
- Thank you.
He's raising the rent.
- Again.
- It's just a hiccup.
We'll be fine.
Say something.
Is our goldfish okay?
He's sleeping.
He's sleeping?
She can read me like a book.
Vrum!
Why do I have a feeling I'm going to be
seeing you in court some day?
- Okay.
- How you feeling?
- I'm dying and everything hurts.
- Aw, buddy.
Where's my glowing?
You know, I was promised glowing.
- You look great.
- I'm fat.
But you're the really good
kind of fat, you know?
Like a little avocado.
Excuse me while I drop my decaf
in slow motion.
A dating site?
It's for a case.
Wow, you are so taking this case.
No, he's the client.
- A hot client.
- Gross client.
Hot gross client.
Obnoxious, gross, hot only
to a certain desperate kind of woman
who is not me, still perspective client.
Hmm.
- Hey, everybody!
- Woo-hoo
- Daddy!
- Who wants Ben and Jerry's?
Not in front of the kid,
or we have to share.
- Share what?
- Nothing! Buddy, come here.
- He's still wearing his dinner.
- Yes, I see that.
Okay, bath time, kiddo. Come on.
High-five your Auntie Susan good night.
Nice buddy. Night!
What did you eat exactly?
My brother-in-law might be
an actual saint.
Hmm. Saint Gideon did not miraculously
fall from the sky
like frozen airplane toilet water.
You know how we met?
- Yes, I know, online dating.
- Mm-hm.
Can you believe this guy's been
on almost a thousand dates?
- Are you serious?
- He's a classic loophole shark.
He's exploiting this company over
a tiny detail in the fine print.
Hmm.
- Interesting case.
- Ridiculous case.
I mean, my mission is
to help the helpless.
He's not helpless. He's shameless.
Shameless pays the bills.
It would mean that my employees
could stop job hunting.
Roberto left his laptop open
with his resume there.
I fixed a typo.
Of course you did.
- Hello?
- Mr. Evans, hi, it's Susan Whitaker.
Uh...
We can start tomorrow.
Okay, team.
The first thing we need to do
is take a deep dive
into the strange and prolific dating life
of Mr. Nicholas Evans.
Finally a fun case.
This case is not going to be
a walk in the park.
Love Guaranteed is owned by none other
than Tamara Taylor.
We just won big time.
Mm-hm.
I'm sorry, Tiffany what now?
Tamara Taylor, the lifestyle guru
who tells women to eat nothing
but soaked almonds and to steam their...
I'm caught up.
She is Forbes 500-level loaded,
meaning she is going to be lawyered up.
Our case has to be airtight.
You know, I'm looking forward
to taking on Love Guaranteed.
Hi, Roberto, accounting.
Are you about to do the big speech?
Because if this is the big speech,
I have to use the restroom first.
All those corporate fat cats
and their $200 haircuts
and their fancy watches.
They're not even gonna know what hit 'em.
I should go, right?
- You should go.
- No. Okay, sorry.
No big speech.
Please, use the restroom. Meeting over.
This is exciting!
Standing up for the little guy.
Online dating can just be
so soul crushing.
I wouldn't know.
Luckily, I've never tried it.
What?
I'm sorry, you've never online dated?
No, what's the big deal?
You can't win a case over something
you know nothing about.
We need to get you online.
- Mm-hm.
- No.
- Yeah!
- No!
No, I don't have time for dating.
It's not dating!
What if it's research? You know,
it could make the difference between
winning or losing this case.
What are you about to do here?
- Creating your profile.
- I thought you had to pee.
- It can wait.
- This is so fun.
Okay, fine. But listen,
I am proofing it first.
Don't make me sound weird.
Don't worry! We got this.
Hey just for fun, what photo
were you thinking--
Go!
- Chuckles]
- Oh, I like that.
- Ooh!
- Right?
- I don't know if men would.
- Oh.
It's both helpful and a little bit creepy
that you meticulously documented
all of your dates.
Thank you.
Figured I'd need a paper trail.
The one who talked about cats all night?
Yeah, didn't even own a cat.
The one who brought
her parents on the date?
Yeah. She never said a word,
but her dad was awesome.
I mean, we talked about baseball
for hours, it was great.
I wish I would've got his number.
The one who needed a date
to her sister's wedding.
Yeah, two tickets to Hawaii
seemed kind of extra for date numero dos.
The one who got drunk
and tried to fight the busboy?
For the record? I took the punch.
Okay, Nick, you cannot name these women
like they're episodes of Friends.
It's the only way to keep them apart,
you know how many Chloes I've dated?
Fourteen!
Plus 12 Emmas and like,
half a dozen Zoes.
Okay, little accountability please.
You're the one dating in bulk.
This lawsuit isn't just about me,
you know.
Love Guaranteed took advantage
of them, too.
So what are you gonna do if we win?
You're gonna split the damages
with a thousand different women?
No, I have plans for that money.
I bet you do.
And just so you know, I was always
a perfect gentleman to them.
I took these women on classy dates.
Split the check at Denny's?
No disrespect to the Grand Slam Breakfast,
but give a guy some credit, okay?
Breakfast at Bacco, lunch at Pink Door,
and dinner at Coral.
Coral? That place is fancy.
Yes. And I paid every time.
Alright, I'm impressed.
More with your time management
than anything.
Yeah? Got most dates down
to under an hour.
Quicker than an oil change.
Okay, do you have a heart,
or just an empty space
where you keep your car keys?
Yeah, it's empty.
- I gotta go.
- Hot date?
- Yep.
- What?
That was a bad joke, it's 10 a.m.
Yeah. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner dates.
It's breakfast.
You poor, poor girls.
I know I'm married, but I'd love
to see him in my chambers.
For a debriefing.
Heyo!
He's an opportunist.
We should be ashamed for taking this case.
- Hello.
- Ain't no shame in this game.
Precious cargo coming through!
Ooh, I love our new paying client.
We'll see about that.
- What is that?
- Files.
From Nick's dates.
In order for this case to fly,
all of them have to be corroborated,
so good luck with that.
Incoming!
What's going on?
We just went live.
- What are you talking about?
- Your inbox for Love Guaranteed.
You were supposed to let me
proof it first!
Why would you use that photo?
It was the only picture we could find
where you weren't working.
That's from my birthday at Tortilla Flats,
I was wasted.
A drink-y Susan is
a dateable Susan.
I do dip my french fries in mayo.
I do like old dogs better than puppies.
Wait, how do you guys know
all this stuff about me?
- Lots of overtime.
- I went through your garbage.
They're lighting up like
planes on a runway.
Whoa.
No. No. Maybe.
No, not right now, no.
I have to interview Nick's dates
for their depositions.
Which you can do while going on dates
of your own.
Mr. Yang next door is willing to offer you
a friends and family lunch discount.
I do love Yang's.
He's weirdly as excited as we are.
For research.
Ooh, how about this one in the flannel?
Looks like a lumberjack.
- Like an educated lumberjack.
- That's not a thing.
- A lumbersexual?
- Oh, that's a thing.
Uh... hi there. My name's Susan Whitaker,
I'm an attorney in the area.
I was just wondering, did you ever
go on a date with Nicholas Evans?
Yes, I remember him.
Because he actually looked like his photo.
Some dates don't look like their photos?
Really?
So how'd the date go?
- It was the best date I've ever been on.
- Mm-hm.
Wish he would've asked for my number!
Nick was the best.
Just a nice, normal guy.
Like, super normal.
Some dates are abnormal?
So, intermittent fasting, huh?
Yeah.
As in you just purposely don't eat?
- I'm actually up to 20 hours a day now.
- Wow.
Hmm...
isn't that dangerous, or...
No, it's super good for you.
It's actually how...
cavemen used to... to eat.
Wasn't the life expectancy
for a caveman like, 25?
Check!
So, tell me about your date
with Nick Evans.
The date was fine,
but I knew he wasn't for me. I got a vibe.
What kind of a vibe?
It's like Nick believes
he's genuinely looking for love.
But instead he's trying to prove
that love doesn't exist.
Huh.
Did you ever find a date
to your sister's wedding?
- It was canceled.
- Oh.
Turns out the groom's in love with my mom,
and not my sister.
Could you die?
Wow. Holidays must be interesting
at your house.
At least Nick showed up.
My last online date totally ghosted me.
Some dates just don't show up?
You guys, I don't know
how Nick managed it.
I don't.
I've been on two dates and one no-show,
and I am exhausted.
Why do you think I proposed to Dante
after two weeks? It's a jungle out there.
There's plenty of fish
in the sea.
There's also plenty of trash.
- The affidavits for Nick to sign.
- I'll drive them over.
I can e-mail them
and he can docu-sign.
Are you kidding me? I'm beyond curious
to see where this guy works.
I bet you he's a Crossfit instructor.
Probably runs an illegal poker game
out of a parking garage.
Surprise, you're both wrong.
Hm.
- Let's go, man.
- Some might call this elder abuse.
- Faster, okay?
- Alright.
Once I'm on my feet,
I'm gonna ask Donna over there
to go dancing. Hey, Donna.
You ever been dipped
in an Argentine tango?
Be careful, she's a maneater.
Oh, here's hoping.
Jerome, you nasty.
Wait. What...
What is happening?
My crusader for justice.
Okay, so many things
are finally making sense.
I didn't know you made house calls.
I'm just doing my due diligence.
Right, checking up on me.
- Something like that.
- Making sure I'm an upstanding citizen.
And he's making me a standing up citizen.
Alright, comedian, I'll see ya Thursday.
I'll be with you in two seconds.
So, you're how I landed my new client.
Told you I wouldn't forget.
Tossed business your way. Surprised?
Nick is surprising.
Doctor said, my dancing days are over.
Nick said, hogwash.
Nick donates his time here
for the old folks like me
that can't afford PT.
He's a good egg. Like you.
And two good eggs make an omelet.
Donna.
Donna.
Okay. So what do we got?
Just a few things for you to sign.
Oh.
It's just the bottom there.
Cool. Oh, guess what?
- What?
- Tomorrow's it.
My one thousandth date.
- Well.
- Yeah.
Uh...
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Hm.
So, show me her profile.
- For my date?
- Yes.
- I don't think that's such a good idea.
- Why not?
- I don't know, weird.
- It's for the case.
- For the case?
- Sure.
Sure. Okay, well...
Here.
- Here? Okay.
- Press down.
- Pam.
- Mm-hm.
Pam is 32,
she is a fifth grade teacher,
she enjoys hiking and gardening.
Huh.
She seems adorable.
Adorable is a number one red flag.
Anything that sounds too good to be true
on the internet is a lie.
I have noticed that.
Yeah, well, wish me luck.
Hardly seems appropriate.
Right.
- 'Cause the case.
- Right.
I don't do sugar, vinegar, dairy, gluten,
seeds, or nightshades.
Ooh!
No. Mm-hm.
Get you a drink while you wait?
Glass of Pinot, please.
Does the pecan-crusted tuna
have nuts in it?
It's crusted in pecans.
Right.
Better bring
the whole bottle.
Oh!
Damn it.
Seriously, could this menu have
more shellfish on it?
If I even eat one mollusk I'll be covered
in eczema like the Elephant Man.
Did you... hear the one
about the greedy clam?
He was a little shellfish.
A little shellfish.
Good evening.
For how many?
Shocker.
The teriyaki chicken would be nice,
if I brought my Epi-pen.
Which I didn't.
Okay, well, look me up on LinkedIn.
Hm.
Hey. I know you.
Susan!
Hey!
No! Oh, God, no.
Susan!
Susan!
Yes, it's me! Shhh.
It's Susan, everybody. We used to date.
I know.
- Watch it!
- May I...
purchase you a drink?
What are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be fasting?
Hm.
It's my eating window.
Smells like your drinking window.
It's a bit of that, too. You know.
No!
Oh.
Can you listen to me?
You need a sandwich and a nap!
Up on three. One, two...
Hm.
Hmm.
Maybe I'll slide into your DMs later.
- Gross.
- Hmm.
Thank you.
- Who's that?
- That is my lawyer.
I mean, these women,
they could be subpoenaed.
I had to make sure that you weren't
intentionally tanking the dates.
- You were spying on me.
- No!
- Yeah, you were.
- No!
A little. Professionally.
- "Professionally."
- I'm sorry I ruined your date.
It's okay, it was terrible.
It really was. She knows.
Whoa!
- You work fast, Nick.
- No, I'm not a...
Oh, never mind.
What can I get you?
Oh, I'm fine.
- Thank you.
- Please.
I'm starving.
Uh...
One second.
Yes. Coral burger and fries. Thank you.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
No special requests?
Extra mayo.
I like this one.
This is where it all happens.
Oh, yeah, this is my lucky table.
Is it, though?
Actually, no.
This thing is cursed.
Let's go sit somewhere else.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
The only thing I ever wanted to do
was play ball.
But then I slid into home, tore my ACL.
You know, it's funny
that your whole life can just change
in the blink of an eye.
That's terrible, I'm sorry.
Only thing that got me through it
was my PT, Rasheed.
- Hm.
- This dude was so funny.
He just really inspired me to do
the hard work to heal, you know?
Nice.
And so I decided to become a PT myself.
Do the same thing.
- Inspire through humor.
- No, I'm mean. I yell a lot.
What about you? I bet you were
- the kid crusader for justice.
- What?
Busting rigged hide-and-go-seek games
around the neighborhood.
How'd you know they were rigged?
No, I suppose you're right. Yeah.
I do feel like there's something
hardwired in me from birth,
to want to just
fight for the little guy.
One time when I was really little,
my parents took me to see The Fugitive.
And I got so upset
that they convicted an innocent man.
I'm still upset.
But I had to go wait in the lobby.
Couldn't take it.
You serious?
My dad tried to get me to come back
into the theater, but I wouldn't.
Still haven't seen the end of that movie.
- You didn't see The Fugitive?
- No.
You never saw the One-Armed Man?
If that's a reference to The Fugitive, no.
Before the trial is over,
we are watching
The Fugitive together, okay?
It's a date.
But... also not.
- I know what you meant. Yeah.
- You get it.
Great.
Actually...
this is the best dinner I've had
in a really long time.
Same.
So... you know
all about my love life.
Why don't you tell me about yours?
- There's nothing much to tell.
- I find that hard to believe.
Well, I'm running a business.
It's a lot. I just don't have time
for a relationship right now.
Someday, you know, I will.
Just not today.
Hmm.
There had to be someone.
Of course there was someone.
Sure, back in law school.
His name was Josh.
We thought we were gonna get married,
have kids, dogs, whole thing, but...
I don't know, he had other plans.
What kind of plans?
Just the kind
that did not include me.
Seriously, how far did you park?
Okay, valet at Coral?
Twelve dollars? It's highway robbery.
Right.
Hm.
Oh!
So this is yours?
Yep, this is Zorro.
- Nice, Zorro, that's sweet.
- Sweet?
No, Zorro is a vigilante
who tracks down ruthless villains.
- A lot tougher than she looks, huh?
- Yeah.
- Let me get that for you.
- Oh, no, I got it.
Literally got it.
Well, you are full of surprises.
So are you.
- Handshake.
- Yeah.
It's my signature end-of-the-date move.
It's my way of saying goodbye, good luck,
have a nice life.
So it's an efficient transaction.
Yes, it is.
So, tell me,
if you were going to name tonight
like an episode of Friends,
what would my title be?
"The one I didn't see coming."
Night.
Night, Susan.
- What's that noise in your car?
- Oh, it's Tiffany.
- Tiffany?
- Yeah.
No idea what that is.
What?
Tiffany, she was like one
of the biggest singers in the 1980s.
- Oh, Tiffany Tiffany.
- Yes, Tiffany.
Yeah, still don't know. I have no clue.
You must have, it's so--
Are you kidding? I can't tell.
Possibly.
Good night, Nick.
Good night, Tiffany.
Ms. Kapoor, you can call
your own exterminator.
Yes, absolutely.
Tenant law stipulates that you're entitled
to a pest-free apartment.
Absolute--
Okay. Well let me know how it goes, Ms. K.
Thank you.
Roberto, there is this concept
called knocking.
- You make a fist, you pull it back--
- Okay, fine.
- Love Guaranteed is on line two.
- You can burst in for that.
Susan Whitaker.
Mm-hm.
Uh-huh.
Yes, absolutely.
We look forward to it.
That was Bill Jones,
lead counsel for Love Guaranteed.
He invited us to a meeting
at their headquarters with none other
than Tamara Taylor.
Keep it close.
Oh... cozy.
Right?
Hi. Susan Whitaker and Nicholas Evans
for Tamara Taylor.
Sign in there, please.
And fourth floor penthouse.
Right, Brad and Veronica met
at Love Guaranteed.
Brad and Veronica are clearly models.
Just 'cause they're implausibly attractive
doesn't mean that they're paid models.
Don't you have faith
in anything good in this world?
Sure. Just not in Brad and Veronica.
They fake and they phony.
Look at those teeth, too white.
Some ground rules before we go in there:
I do the talking. You, no snarking,
no snickering, no snorting.
Snorting?
Yes, when you're trying not to laugh
you make a sound kind of like...
I don't--
- That sounds nothing like me.
- It's exactly like you.
- Nope.
- We'll see.
Ms. Whitaker.
- Bill Jones.
- My client, Nick Evans.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
Please.
Right.
We're ready for her.
Tashi delek. Jug rog nang.
Tibetan greeting. Namaste.
Have you been offered a drink?
Filtered stream water?
I have it flown in from Chile.
I'm fine.
- We're fine.
- Micah, serve them water.
All right.
I was shocked and disappointed
to hear that
you brought a complaint against
Love Guaranteed.
Well, per the Deceptive
Trade Practices Act,
corporations are barred from engaging in
misrepresentation,
bait-and-switch advertising,
and other fraudulent behaviors
to promote their products,
so... here we are.
Ms. Whitaker, have you ever been
to Pangong Tso in Tibet?
No.
It is a transformative place.
I went on a two-month, barefoot walkabout
through the high grasslands,
asking myself,
"What is my purpose on Earth?"
One day,
a lone bird swooped across the sky
and I felt loneliness to the deepest core
of my essence and I thought,
"I will solve loneliness."
My website brings much needed hope,
love, connection, joy,
happiness, life to the masses.
Except that you're not selling
love, joy, and hope.
You're selling a love guarantee.
Everyone here knows that that language
is legally binding.
So.
We have a case. You all know it.
What are you offering?
Bill?
Well, we have
a very generous settlement to offer.
One hundred thousand dollars,
with a signed non-disclosure agreement.
We can cut the check today.
One hundred thousand dollars
wouldn't even begin to cover the expenses
of my client's dates.
We request five hundred thousand
in restitution,
the promise that your company scrubs
all language of a love guarantee
from its website and advertising,
and I would also obviously need to review
any NDA before my client can sign it.
I'm sorry,
this isn't a negotiation.
We've looked into you, Ms. Whitaker,
and we see that
your earnest little boutique firm
is under water. You're failing.
This little do-gooder,
crusader for justice attitude,
it might impress your clients
but it doesn't do anything for me.
I, well...
Luckily, we are not here to talk about me.
We are here to discuss this case.
Then take the settlement.
- We won't offer it again.
- Buddha once said,
"No man can step in the same river twice."
Do you know why I hired Susan?
- Nick, no!
- Because she's the opposite of you.
Okay?
She has character and principles,
and a sense of common decency.
- Thank you.
- Hmm.
Well, I have
a billion dollar empire to run,
so just sign the papers
and we'll pay you out
and this little PR headache will go away.
No deal.
We will see you in court,
where we will request one million dollars
in punitive damages.
Oh, and by the way,
it's Heraclitus, not Buddha.
What?
The river quote? Yeah.
Those inspirational fridge magnets,
they have such tiny fine print.
Really gotta read it carefully.
Boom.
The water is gross.
Are they staring at us?
Yep, all of them.
- Should've taken the stairs.
- Yep.
- What? I mean--
- That was--
Who's idiotic idea was it
to guarantee love, anyway?
- Who am I firing today?
- Uh...
Yours.
Micah, you're fired.
- That was awesome.
- If Tamara Taylor thinks
that she can steamroll us,
she's got another think coming!
Yeah... thing.
- Another thing coming.
- No, it's think, like,
"think again."
Ha! No, it's thing.
- Do you always have to be right?
- Only when the other person's wrong.
Hey, thank you.
For standing up for me in there.
That really meant a lot.
You stand up for people all day,
someone's gotta have your back.
Oh!
You really went in on that song,
didn't you?
The tape is actually stuck in the player.
- Right.
- Has been since the 80s.
- Mm-hm.
- The volume knob is also broken,
so Zorro decides when it plays
and when it doesn't.
So your car is possessed by Tiffany.
- Basically.
- Great.
- Why don't you get it fixed?
- Oh, it's on the list.
Thank you.
How long is your list?
How long you got?
So, Susan says,
"It's not Buddha,
it's Heraclitus."
- Who's that?
- No clue.
The point is, she was amazing.
I mean, I've never seen anything
like that in my life.
She was beautiful, she was poised.
You know, for a man
who's been on a thousand dates,
you got zero game.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about Susan.
Sus-- No.
Susan...
That's my lawyer. She's... no.
Off the table.
Last I checked, she was a woman first.
A smart, beautiful, compassionate woman.
I don't know, Jerome, that's--
What's holding you back?
You just went on a thousand dates
and you're afraid to go on one more?
Yeah, but Susan's not like the rest.
Exactly.
Scary, isn't it?
You've been playing in the shallow end,
where it's safe.
That ain't where you gonna find love.
To find that, you gotta dive deeper.
What if I sink?
What if you swim?
Susan Whitaker?
Charles Gilbert, Seattle Courier.
How do you plan
to take on Love Guaranteed?
Do you really believe
Nick Evans has a case?
- How did you hear that I--
- Slow news week, I was
trolling courthouse filings, jackpot!
Ex-pro ball player suing a dating site,
now that's a human interest piece.
No comment.
Ms. Whitaker,
if I could just get a moment--
A reporter just accosted me
about Nick's case.
I know, isn't it exciting?
- What'd you say?
- No comment.
It was pretty cool.
But listen, we need to focus
on getting ready for the trial,
not playing this case out in the press.
- You're no fun. Bill Jones called.
- Oh.
We already have a court date.
This is only six weeks away.
Alright, we can do this.
We gotta buckle down.
I need nights and weekends.
And Denise, light that candle you do
when the Seahawks are playing.
Anything for the team.
Seahawks.
Come on, focus.
Oh!
Oh, where are you going, boss?
Love Guaranteed is definitely going
to be going after Nick's character
and we can't afford
for there to be any surprises
so I did a little Google stalking.
Did you find dirt?
Not that I want you to.
But let's be honest, I love dirt.
Yes. So, look.
Nick's not on social media anymore,
but I did find some crumbs.
Her name's Arianna Silver.
- She was not one of the thousand dates.
- Nope.
And we've got to cover our bases, so...
I'm gonna go meet with her today.
- O-M-G, she's gorgeous.
- I guess.
You know, if you're into
the whole supermodel thing.
- Everyone is.
- Most people are.
Okay, give me the phone.
What?
Holy crap.
Hi, you must be Susan.
I'm Arianna.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Nick Evans.
I haven't heard that name in a minute.
How is Nicky?
Nick is well.
He is suing a dating website
for making false claims.
As I told you on the phone,
I'm his attorney.
Sounds like Nick.
Always calling out a liar.
Ah! Um...
So anyway,
I'm looking into his dating history.
I haven't heard from Nick
since the breakup. He took it hard.
Very hard.
So you didn't keep in touch?
We broke up over two years ago.
My fault. It didn't end well.
Radio silence ever since.
Right but you said two years.
Thank you for your time.
Your relationship predates my case.
Wait.
If Nick didn't tell you about me,
- how did you find me?
- Oh.
Just some old social media accounts.
You've been doing some digging.
For the case, of course.
Of course.
I'll just show myself out.
Kitchen.
Oh, no!
Hello?
There's secret texting codes now?
You've been on two,
almost three internet dates now.
- You haven't learned the lingo yet?
- Obviously not.
I just wanted to see if you were awake
to, you know, go over a couple things.
To go over-- Wait, you're still at work?
So?
You are not a normal human being.
Fine, what about tomorrow then?
Tomorrow's Saturday.
What's your point?
My point is it's Saturday.
The one who ate paper.
- Yeah. All kinds.
- What?
- No.
- Yep. Napkins, toilet paper.
- Playing cards.
- No.
Not kidding. Origami...
I don't believe you,
but I am looking forward
to meeting this probably fictional person.
You know, you're not the cheesy swindler
I had you pegged for.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-mm.
You're not the uptight lawyer
I assumed you were.
Happy to be wrong for once.
Wrong? Okay.
- Just enjoying that, sorry.
- Yeah, well...
But you might be a little bit right.
Oh, yeah?
The first thing I do when I wake up
in the morning is check my phone.
Answer e-mails
before I even get out of bed,
go to the office all day,
then I come home, finish everything
I didn't get done at the office,
then I get back in bed
with my phone,
and it starts over again.
It's a vicious circle.
Um...
Cycle.
- What?
- It's a "vicious cycle."
- That's the saying.
- No, it's "vicious circle."
- Vicious circle? That sounds like a...
- Yeah.
Geometry teacher's rock band...
The Vicious Circle!
How did you find out?
Uh, she told me. She said she has
an imaginary friend.
That she'd bring him everywhere.
Brought him to the date.
I hope he had a good time.
She said he did.
He didn't eat any of his food.
Wow, you have enough food
for a whole week!
Exactly.
That way, I don't have to think about it
until I order again next weekend.
I like your logic.
I like your place too.
- Thank you.
- It's nice.
Gideon's family
actually owns the building.
He is the most generous brother-in-law
and worst landlord on the planet.
If I didn't raise my own rent
I think he'd probably be letting me
live here for free.
Kinda need to talk to you about something.
I met with Arianna.
As soon as I realized your relationship
predated our case,
I left.
Okay? But you don't need me
running around digging up
old wounds from girlfriends past.
I'm sorry.
Uh... fiancée.
- What?
- Yeah.
Two months before our wedding,
she upped and moved out
when I was at work.
There was no warning, no letter.
Yeah, it turns out
she was seeing someone else.
And had been seeing him
for a couple months.
So... yeah.
Melanie!
Mel! Mel, are you okay?
- Yeah! My water broke.
- Oh!
- Everything's fine.
- Okay, we heard screaming though.
Yeah, that was Gideon.
We gotta get to the hospital ASAP.
I have the route all mapped.
Where are the car keys?
- You must be Nick.
- Yes.
- Nice to meet you.
- Susan talks about you all the time.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do, actually.
- Course she does, I'm her favorite client.
- No, that's Jerome.
Jerome?
I am ten times more charming than Jerome.
He's got the whole cute grumpy
old man thing going on.
That's true. Yeah, he does have
the old thing going for him.
I am loving this whole back
and forth banter thing going on,
- but I gotta go have a baby.
- Yes.
Okay. All right.
Gideon, I don't want
to give birth in the car!
We're leasing.
- I can't find the car keys.
- Uh, check your left hand.
- Right.
- Yeah.
You'd think we hadn't done
this birthing thing before, huh?
- You got this.
- Okay, sweetie.
Remember our deal?
You be good for Auntie Suze.
- All right.
- Uh, okay.
My contractions are five minutes apart,
if we don't leave now,
we're naming our baby after the freeway
she was born on.
- I-90 is a terrible name.
- Okay. Bye.
- Here we go.
- Love you.
Oh, we haven't met yet.
Hi, I'm Gideon, nice--
- Nick.
- Oh, sorry!
- Go!
- Here we go.
- Bye!
- Bye, guys.
- Be good!
- Take pictures.
Or... don't.
- Ooh, it's exciting.
- That was... yeah.
I always thought I'd be at work
when D-Day finally came.
You know I can stick around and help out.
Oh, no. You have no idea
what you'd be signing up for.
- Him?
- Mm-hm.
Piece of cake.
Ooh!
Ha!
Yeah!
Hiyah! Hiyah! Hiyah! Hiyah!
Hiyah!
What happened?
Yeah!
He was like one of those Von Trapp kids
and now it's all Hunger Games.
Yeah!
I'm scared.
Yes!
- Oliver.
- What?
Oliver, we need to open a window
of negotiation about bedtime.
Are you lawyering a four-year-old?
I am willing to make concessions.
All right, I'll be right back.
Okay.
What do you want? Just what do you want?
Alright, who wants ice cream?
- Me!
- All right.
Ice cream coming up,
but first lay down, in bed, now.
Let's go.
Here.
Enjoy.
Voilà.
That's all it took, all this time?
Yeah, it's bribery.
It's the oldest trick in history.
- Night, kid.
- Night!
Oh, my goodness.
Next time, I'm bringing holy water.
Well...
It's Gideon.
"Baby Amelia is here.
Seven pounds, two ounces.
Mom and baby are resting.
- Dad needs alcohol."
- Wow!
Look at that.
That's incredible, isn't it?
How much your life can just
change in a moment?
Yeah.
I better go.
Yeah, I have early PT in the morning.
- So...
- Hm.
Special place, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And once we win the case,
it's gonna be even better.
How so?
Well I'm donating any proceeds
from the lawsuit towards a...
new children's wing.
You'd be surprised
how many little kids we get in there.
You never told me that.
You never asked.
I'm sorry I judged you.
Don't be. I judged you too.
Pumpkin spice latte?
Yeah.
I had fun tonight.
I did, too.
Right?
Hey. Give me a hug.
- We can hug.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
You don't smell like a lawyer.
Hm.
Good night, Susan.
Night.
She's MIA. She's never MIA.
First she takes yesterday off
to spend time with a baby
who isn't even a client
and now she's late?
Should we put out an amber alert?
I want to see her name on buses by noon.
- Is she choking?
- I think that was a giggle.
She sounds like I do
after a second Ambien.
- Hey, Susan.
- There's a high pour.
How are you feeling?
You know? Never better.
No, this is fresh.
Oh!
You're such a dear.
Hm.
Well, back to the salt mines.
- I don't smell day drinking.
- You can't smell vodka.
- I can smell it on you.
- Shut up.
S. Whitaker and Associates.
Hold, please.
It's Bill Jones!
- Oh, hey, you.
- Okay.
What is happening?
You have this thing about knocking.
Hm. Well, I appreciate your passion
for your job.
And I appreciate you, Roberto.
Oh...
Okay.
- Bill Jones is on line one.
- Okay.
- Mr. Jones.
- Ms. Whitaker.
I had to let you know we're calling in
a last-minute witness to trial.
Arianna Silver.
How did you find her?
You're not the only one
digging up dirt, Ms. Whitaker.
We've been busy little bees.
Busy looking into Nick Evans' love life.
And it seems you've been getting
awfully cozy with your client.
Luckily, my personal life
has nothing to do with this case.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
You see,
the love guarantee technically states,
subscribers will find love
via Love Guaranteed.
It does not stipulate that the dates have
to be arranged on the site.
Only that the subscribers
find love because of it.
Are you still there?
- Yes.
- I thought so.
This is your last chance
to take the settlement.
Otherwise this could end, well, badly
for both you and your client...
Seattle Lady Lawyer.
Bye.
Hi, you've reached Susan,
please leave a message.
Hey, it's Nick, you free tonight?
I just got The Fugitive DVD.
Uh, I'm so excited I forgot
I haven't owned a DVD player
in five years.
Do you have a DVD player?
Does anyone?
Okay, call me back.
- You have to talk to him.
- And tell him what?
That I might've sunk our case by
signing up for that ridiculous site?
It's only an issue if Nick finds love.
Right? So...
Just pump the brakes
while you're working together.
That's the problem,
I don't want to pump the brakes.
I've never not wanted
to do something more.
- That's wonderful!
- No.
No it's not!
If Love Guaranteed finds out
that Nick is...
falling for me,
they will use it against us in court.
We will lose this case.
He will not be able to donate any
of that money to the center, and...
- Okay.
- Love you, sis.
Hello?
Where you been?
I left, like, five messages for you.
Just preparing for the trial.
Yeah. You want some help?
No, I got this.
Right.
Well, how does a pickup full
of Pad Thai sound?
You can add the leftovers
to your collection.
All good over here, thanks.
You okay? You seem off.
Just busy.
You know, we're only two weeks out
from our court date.
Okay, uh...
Let me know
when you come up for air, then.
Nick, I don't think that we should
see each other right now.
I need to focus on the case,
it's my priority.
Uh...
Is that what you want?
We can't always do what we want.
Sometimes we need to do what's right.
Why are you doing this?
You want to win, don't you?
That's what this whole case is about.
It's why you hired me, isn't it?
Yeah.
Then let me do what I know
is right for both of us, okay?
Cool. I'll see you in court.
Looks like I sunk.
♪ Tired ♪
♪ Drifting on ♪
♪ Yawning crew ♪
♪ Quiet hands ♪
♪ Empty plans ♪
♪ It's a hollow dance ♪
♪ These are all our things ♪
♪ That remind me ♪
♪ You heart can't take the path ♪
♪ Or the timing ♪
♪ There's no need to rush ♪
♪ What's that sound ♪
♪ Turn around ♪
♪ Can't stop calling now ♪
♪ But I keep falling in ♪
♪ Stalling it ♪
♪ Days I'm tired a bit ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's meant to be ♪
♪ Then let it be ♪
♪ It's easy said than done ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's meant to be ♪
♪ Then let it be ♪
♪ Let go, let it be ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's meant to be ♪
♪ Then let it be ♪
♪ It's easy said than done ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's meant to be ♪
♪ Then let it be ♪
♪ Let go, let it be ♪
Can a dating site guarantee love?
We're about to find out.
There she is. Ms. Taylor!
Blessings.
Check out my lifestyle blog.
Hi.
Is that a new suit? It looks good.
Let's get this show on the road.
Ms. Whitaker and Mr. Evans,
a moment of your time, please.
Mr. Evans, how many dates
have you been on?
Can I have an statement, Mr. Evans?
What price
would you pay to find love?
Almost anything, right?
Well...
for 29.95, which includes use
of their website and app,
Love Guaranteed guarantees
that you will find love.
All you have to do
is go on a thousand dates.
That's right.
One thousand different dates.
I went on two and a half
Love Guaranteed dates,
and well, that was quite enough
for me, thank you.
My client, Nicholas Evans,
followed the rules.
He went on one thousand dates. But...
Love Guaranteed did not
deliver on their promise.
Nick Evans did not find love.
Over the course of this trial,
the evidence will prove
that Love Guaranteed cares far more
about profits than they do the well-being
of their subscribers.
Nicholas Evans
asks that you hold
Love Guaranteed responsible
for their wrongful actions.
Thank you.
Mr. Jones, your turn.
Thank you, Your Honor.
The defendant stands by
Love Guaranteed's brand messaging.
Love is guaranteed
for those truly looking for it.
Now, during this trial,
the defense will establish
that Nick Evans had zero intention
of finding love.
This lawsuit isn't about trade practices
or false advertising. No.
It's a bargain basement gotcha lawsuit
all about the money.
Now, the evidence will show Nick Evans,
having previously been burned by love,
had no intention of finding love again.
Sure, Mr. Evans may have been
on a thousand dates.
But the evidence will show he was just
ticking them off in pursuit of a payday.
So, at the conclusion of this trial,
the good people of the jury
will find for Love Guaranteed
and dismiss all charges.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dr. Rossmore, for the record,
what is your field of expertise?
Well I have a PhD in Psychology,
and I teach human behavior
and the sciences at the university.
My specialty is attachments
and relationships.
Primarily the science of love.
And in your professional opinion,
are there any known ways
to guarantee love?
All the conclusions agree there is no way
to predict love, much less guarantee it.
No further questions.
Why didn't you object?
The doctor is an expert witness,
there was nothing to object to.
- Why do you keep hitting me?
- Because you like it.
No, I don't.
And how did the date go?
Nick asked all about me.
First time that's ever happened
on an internet date.
Am I right, ladies?
Did you ever feel like
Nick was just going through the motions?
- Uh... No, he was really nice.
- Thank you.
- Yes!
- Baby girl!
And how did you leave it?
Nick insisted on paying the bill,
walked me to my car,
shook my hand good night.
The perfect gentleman.
Thank you for your time today.
Defendant's witness.
Come on.
You expect us to believe
Mr. Out For A Quick Buck
didn't intentionally throw the date?
No, like I said. Perfect gentleman.
Uh-huh. Then why didn't you go out again?
It's internet dating. Click and move on.
That's how it goes.
No, how it goes is Nick Evans had
zero intention of finding love,
- and he manufactured--
- Objection, Your Honor.
Sustained.
Actually, can I answer?
Nick and I went on one date.
It's impossible to say
what was in his heart.
But I hope he does find love one day.
He deserves it.
We all do.
Ugh.
No further questions.
He's coming off like a saint in there,
what is your plan?
- Don't worry.
- Don't touch me!
Okay.
Tomorrow, we're going to tear apart
Nick's character and motivation
by delving into his relationships.
Both past and present.
Look, they're coming!
Ms. Taylor, can I get a statement
for Rise and Shine Seattle?
Yeah, it's a silly lawsuit.
We are still the best dating website
you can subscribe to.
Check out my lifestyle blog
for today's tips.
No gluten, no dairy, no wheat,
no sugar, no...
Kicking ass, taking names,
and looking fierce the entire time.
Check, check, check.
I don't know.
I just can't let Bill Jones ruin
Nick's reputation.
Hm.
Hold on.
- Hold on?
- To what?
Nick!
Hi.
Listen, I...
I have an idea.
It's a little unorthodox, but...
I'd like to call Arianna
to the stand tomorrow.
Why?
She's being called either way.
It's better that we manage her testimony
rather than react to it.
So we take the wind out
of Love Guaranteed's sails.
I have no way of knowing
what Arianna will say.
But it will show the court
that you're not taking this lying down.
You're an honorable guy, Nick,
and that's gonna come through.
Thank you.
Susan...
I'll see you tomorrow.
♪ That's what they say
When we're together ♪
♪ And watch how you play ♪
I hate you, Tiffany!
♪ And so we're
Running just as fast as we can ♪
♪ Holding on to one another hands ♪
Before calling Nicholas Evans
to the stand,
the plaintiff would like
to call Ms. Arianna Silver.
- Objection, that's my witness.
- All right, Counsel.
Come to the bench, please.
You can't do this. Arianna Silver is
a witness for the defense.
And you will have plenty of time
to cross examine.
She's trying to steal my witness.
All right, listen up.
If Ms. Whitaker somehow thinks
the defense’s witness will help her case,
then she has the right
to call whoever she wants.
And as she pointed out, Mr. Jones,
you will have your chance during cross.
So yes, I'm going to allow it.
Back you go.
This isn't fair.
Thank you, Your Honor.
The plaintiff calls Ms. Arianna Silver
to the stand.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I do.
Ms. Silver, how did you know Mr. Evans?
He's my ex-fiance.
And for the question on everyone's mind.
What happened?
I left him.
For someone else.
I'm getting married next month.
Congratulations.
To put it plainly, Ms. Silver,
It is my presumption that the defense
named you as a witness in hopes
to reflect negatively
on Mr. Evans' character.
When I spoke to Mr. Jones,
about being a witness,
I did mention that I thought
Nick was licking his wounds.
I mean, a thousand dates
and you couldn't find someone new?
Seemed a little fishy to me.
And do you still feel the same way?
Actually, no.
Nick is a great guy.
He's all about being honest.
So I assume that this lawsuit is
on the up and up.
I only wish him well.
Thank you for your time,
Ms. Silver.
Defendant's witness.
No questions.
If there are no questions,
then the witness can be excused.
And we'll take a 15-minute recess
before the plaintiff takes the stand.
Arianna?
I just want to thank you.
I'm sorry how things ended with us.
It's my fault.
I'm not proud of it,
but I did learn from it.
I'm with the right person now.
I'm happy for you.
Mm-hm.
I'm happy for you too.
- What are you talking about?
- I know that look.
You're in love with your lawyer.
Hmm...
I just hope you can admit it to yourself,
before it's too late.
But what if she doesn't feel the same way?
What if I get hurt again?
There are no guarantees in love, Nick.
Isn't that what this is all about?
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I do.
Mr. Evans,
in your own words, please,
tell the court how Love Guaranteed
deceived and damaged you
with their false promises.
Just say whatever
comes to mind.
When I started this whole thing,
I was out for justice.
Love isn't something
you can just guarantee.
Like a pizza delivery.
I'm sorry,
what are you doing?
Love is unpredictable.
And it can burn you.
But it can also surprise you
in the most remarkable ways.
It turns out I did find love,
when I fell in love with my lawyer.
Ms. Whitaker herself said
she subscribed to Love Guaranteed.
If Nick Evans is in love with her,
this lawsuit has to be dismissed.
Folks, we must have
order in the courtroom.
There's no need for dismissal, Your Honor.
I'm dropping the lawsuit.
Mr. Jones is right.
While I didn't meet Susan through
the site,
I met her because of it.
And I promised
to tell the truth under oath, so...
I'd much rather have love in my life
than win here in court today.
It's an amazing thing
when you find someone who gets you.
And you get them in return.
Even when they're right and you're wrong.
Turns out the saying is,
"You've got another think coming."
It really is, I Googled it. Weird.
A wise old man once told me
to dive in, so...
here it goes.
What I realized,
that I don't want a guarantee.
Or a safety net.
All I want...
is to take a chance with you.
It's not a risk to fall in love.
It's a risk not to.
I love you, Susan.
Do you love me too?
Ms. Whitaker, answer that question.
I do!
I give you all the credit, I do.
- You take care of her.
- I will.
- I'm so proud of you.
- My man!
- You smell like wine.
- A little bit.
- Ms. Whitaker?
- Yes.
Ms. Taylor would like a word with you.
Please.
Hmm.
When I studied with my Lama
in Tibet, he said,
"The thousand brilliant accomplishments
of the past do not serve today's purpose."
Hmm.
- I'm sorry, I'm not following.
- I'll pay your legal fees,
and I'll donate 250 thousand
to your hospital,
if you two become the new face
of Love Guaranteed.
Hm...
- Why would you do that?
- An old-fashioned love story
complete with
a romantic courtroom confession?
People love that crap.
I mean...
It's gonna make me look so good
on social media. It's not hard...
It's much better than
the fake poster couple we have now.
I knew it!
Brad and Veronica.
- He did, he called that. Hm--
- I called that.
Two hundred and fifty thousand
for the hospital. That's a lot,
but we were seeking a million in damages.
And let's face it,
we could've had it, so...
But you didn't.
- We could've though.
- How about 500 thousand?
Deal.
Wow.
The jury still out on whether
a dating site can guarantee love.
But love guarantees a happy ending.
So what do we do now?
Go on an official first date?
Anything but a first date.
♪ Children behave ♪
♪ That's what they say
When we're together ♪
♪ And watch how you play ♪
♪ They don't understand ♪
♪ And so we're running
Just as fast as we can ♪
♪ Holding on to one another hands ♪
♪ Trying to get away into the night ♪
♪ Then you put your arms around me
And we tumble to the ground and you say ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ There doesn't seem to be
Anyone around ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ The beating of our hearts
Is the only sound ♪
my client demands that the scales
of justice be tipped in his favor.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
it is time to rip off the blindfold
and let justice see.
Sorry, honey, you were really on a roll,
but I got court in ten, so...
I am liking that second version.
Thanks!
I should use
the basement ladies' room more often.
It's where all the magic happens.
These were supposed to be
Jerome Johnson's golden years.
A widower, starting to date again.
Crossing items off his bucket list,
like zipping around town
on one of those hip electric scooters.
What was not on his list was a broken hip
from being sideswiped
by a city bus on Pike Street.
The Seattle Transit Authority
thwarts victims
from pursuing damages by overwhelming them
with confusing, endless,
bureaucratic red tape.
They count on justice to turn a blind eye.
But it is time
to rip off the blindfold
and let justice see.
You saved my heinie in there, kid.
I'll find a way to pay you back.
- I promise.
- Don't worry about it.
Just get home safe.
All right.
Nah, I ghosted her. She gone.
Nothing but net.
Excuse me, you... um...
♪ Children behave ♪
♪ That's what they say
When we're together ♪
♪ And watch how you play ♪
♪ They don't understand ♪
♪ And so we're running
Just as fast as we can ♪
♪ Holding on to one another hands ♪
♪ Trying to get away into the night ♪
♪ Then you put your arms around me ♪
♪ And we tumble to the ground
And then you say ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ There doesn't seem to be
Anyone around ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ The beating of our hearts
Is the only sound ♪
- Hey, sis! How'd it go?
- Hey.
Score one for the good guys.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
Want to come over and celebrate?
Gideon's teaching Oliver to make pizza.
Aww.
- Oh.
- My bad!
We might be ordering that pizza.
Uh... you know, I would.
But I'm just kinda beat,
and I got a full inbox calling my name,
so, rain check?
Game night Friday.
Yes, definitely.
Monopoly money's the only kind
I'm going to be seeing this week.
- See ya.
- Bye!
Yeah!
- I'm ordering Domino's!
- Ooh, That's smart.
Good morning, Seattle.
The forecast is rain, rain,
and, yep, more rain.
And now it's time
for the KNVB radio traffic report.
Okay.
No, Ms. Kapoor, just, just slow down.
Okay, what's happening?
No, your landlord can not put
a padlock on your front door.
Double espresso for Nick.
Pumpkin spice latte for Susan.
Yes. Yes, I'm sure.
Yes. No, I don't care
what the notice says.
I'm positive.
And it's not just immoral,
by the way, it's illegal.
Yes. All right, well I'm gonna get into it
with his lawyer
as soon as I'm back at the office.
Yes. I'm so sorry this is happening,
you know, it's not--
- Oh.
- I'm so sorry, I just didn't see you.
Guess they forgot to patch me in.
Uh...
Okay.
No, I'm still here.
Yes, I will call you as soon as I can.
You know it's a scam, right?
What?
Pumpkin spice latte. No pumpkin in it.
- Just pumpkin flavoring.
- Hmm.
Every fall, the coffee industry acts like
some bountiful pumpkin harvest
just came in,
so they can peddle their drinks
to the masses.
You're drinking a lie.
Why are you still talking to me?
I dunno, we're walking
in the same direction?
Better to make conversation
than have awkward silence, right?
This is neither.
This is an awkward conversation.
Well... then it's both.
- Can I help you with something?
- The door? I have a 9 a.m. appointment.
- Welcome to Whitaker and Associates.
- Thank you.
Congratulations!
- Yay!
- Woohoo!
Okay...
Where's the water cooler going?
The wave was part celebration,
part smoke screen.
Turns out, pro bono is Latin
for tap water.
If you're gonna work for free,
I have to make budget cuts.
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye.
Bye.
Hello.
Is it my birthday?
You must be Nick Evans.
Nick is your 9 a.m..
This is awkward.
So... how can I help you, Mr. Evans?
I need a lawyer.
And you have a reputation
of being one of the classiest
bus bench lawyers in town.
Never done a bus bench ad.
Oh, I'm sorry, what is it?
Is it ambulance chaser?
Is that what it's called?
- Civil litigator works fine.
- Civil litigator.
That's cool.
Alright, well, how much you charge?
- Let's talk about your complaint first.
- Right.
I want to sue Love Guaranteed.
- The dating website?
- Mm-hm.
Okay. Were you threatened on a date?
Stalked? Harmed?
Worse. I'm a victim of fraud.
- Sorry?
- Love Guaranteed is robbing people
of 29.95 a month
with their slogan,
"You'll find love, guaranteed."
Well, I've been on 986 different dates,
and not one of them has provided me love.
Nine hundred and eighty-six dates with...
actual human women?
Yes, the user agreement fine print
states that
a subscriber must go on 1000 different
dates for the guarantee to apply.
Their lawyers clearly thought
no one would go through with it, but...
I did!
Well, home stretch anyways,
I got like a dozen to go.
Yeah, I'm just...
still a little in the weeds
on this whole 986 dates of it all.
Uh... how is that even possible?
It's a great question.
Uh, breakfast, lunch, and dinner dates.
- That's how I do it.
- Okay.
Guy's gotta eat, right?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe
love was never found
because no woman wants to hear
"Guy's gotta eat, right"?
I'm not saying it at the date.
I'm not like, "Hey, guy's gotta eat."
I'm not doing that, that's not what
I'm doing. I'm thinking it in my head.
Look, the point is, I have a case.
Okay, a winnable case.
I didn't pass the bar yesterday.
I know what this is.
What is it?
This is a classic "gotcha" lawsuit.
Find a loophole, take the easy cash.
Think what you want, but Love Guaranteed
is profiting off the lonely souls
of the world.
It is not right.
It is reckless endangerment
of the human heart
and I will not stand for it.
The human heart! Right.
It's good.
So, how much for a retainer?
Let me review the merits
of your case first.
Go ahead. Don't take too long.
Pretty sure your team
would like the return
of their water cooler.
How'd it go?
Someone looks like they could
use a cocktail.
- It's 9:15.
- Never stopped me.
Oh. What else we got?
Bills, bills,
and oh hey, look, more bills.
Mr. Bahar wants to defer payment
another month.
And there's a scary-looking
envelope from the landlord.
But I did put a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon
in there, so it's not all bad news.
- You're doing the Lord's work, Denise.
- Thank you.
He's raising the rent.
- Again.
- It's just a hiccup.
We'll be fine.
Say something.
Is our goldfish okay?
He's sleeping.
He's sleeping?
She can read me like a book.
Vrum!
Why do I have a feeling I'm going to be
seeing you in court some day?
- Okay.
- How you feeling?
- I'm dying and everything hurts.
- Aw, buddy.
Where's my glowing?
You know, I was promised glowing.
- You look great.
- I'm fat.
But you're the really good
kind of fat, you know?
Like a little avocado.
Excuse me while I drop my decaf
in slow motion.
A dating site?
It's for a case.
Wow, you are so taking this case.
No, he's the client.
- A hot client.
- Gross client.
Hot gross client.
Obnoxious, gross, hot only
to a certain desperate kind of woman
who is not me, still perspective client.
Hmm.
- Hey, everybody!
- Woo-hoo
- Daddy!
- Who wants Ben and Jerry's?
Not in front of the kid,
or we have to share.
- Share what?
- Nothing! Buddy, come here.
- He's still wearing his dinner.
- Yes, I see that.
Okay, bath time, kiddo. Come on.
High-five your Auntie Susan good night.
Nice buddy. Night!
What did you eat exactly?
My brother-in-law might be
an actual saint.
Hmm. Saint Gideon did not miraculously
fall from the sky
like frozen airplane toilet water.
You know how we met?
- Yes, I know, online dating.
- Mm-hm.
Can you believe this guy's been
on almost a thousand dates?
- Are you serious?
- He's a classic loophole shark.
He's exploiting this company over
a tiny detail in the fine print.
Hmm.
- Interesting case.
- Ridiculous case.
I mean, my mission is
to help the helpless.
He's not helpless. He's shameless.
Shameless pays the bills.
It would mean that my employees
could stop job hunting.
Roberto left his laptop open
with his resume there.
I fixed a typo.
Of course you did.
- Hello?
- Mr. Evans, hi, it's Susan Whitaker.
Uh...
We can start tomorrow.
Okay, team.
The first thing we need to do
is take a deep dive
into the strange and prolific dating life
of Mr. Nicholas Evans.
Finally a fun case.
This case is not going to be
a walk in the park.
Love Guaranteed is owned by none other
than Tamara Taylor.
We just won big time.
Mm-hm.
I'm sorry, Tiffany what now?
Tamara Taylor, the lifestyle guru
who tells women to eat nothing
but soaked almonds and to steam their...
I'm caught up.
She is Forbes 500-level loaded,
meaning she is going to be lawyered up.
Our case has to be airtight.
You know, I'm looking forward
to taking on Love Guaranteed.
Hi, Roberto, accounting.
Are you about to do the big speech?
Because if this is the big speech,
I have to use the restroom first.
All those corporate fat cats
and their $200 haircuts
and their fancy watches.
They're not even gonna know what hit 'em.
I should go, right?
- You should go.
- No. Okay, sorry.
No big speech.
Please, use the restroom. Meeting over.
This is exciting!
Standing up for the little guy.
Online dating can just be
so soul crushing.
I wouldn't know.
Luckily, I've never tried it.
What?
I'm sorry, you've never online dated?
No, what's the big deal?
You can't win a case over something
you know nothing about.
We need to get you online.
- Mm-hm.
- No.
- Yeah!
- No!
No, I don't have time for dating.
It's not dating!
What if it's research? You know,
it could make the difference between
winning or losing this case.
What are you about to do here?
- Creating your profile.
- I thought you had to pee.
- It can wait.
- This is so fun.
Okay, fine. But listen,
I am proofing it first.
Don't make me sound weird.
Don't worry! We got this.
Hey just for fun, what photo
were you thinking--
Go!
- Chuckles]
- Oh, I like that.
- Ooh!
- Right?
- I don't know if men would.
- Oh.
It's both helpful and a little bit creepy
that you meticulously documented
all of your dates.
Thank you.
Figured I'd need a paper trail.
The one who talked about cats all night?
Yeah, didn't even own a cat.
The one who brought
her parents on the date?
Yeah. She never said a word,
but her dad was awesome.
I mean, we talked about baseball
for hours, it was great.
I wish I would've got his number.
The one who needed a date
to her sister's wedding.
Yeah, two tickets to Hawaii
seemed kind of extra for date numero dos.
The one who got drunk
and tried to fight the busboy?
For the record? I took the punch.
Okay, Nick, you cannot name these women
like they're episodes of Friends.
It's the only way to keep them apart,
you know how many Chloes I've dated?
Fourteen!
Plus 12 Emmas and like,
half a dozen Zoes.
Okay, little accountability please.
You're the one dating in bulk.
This lawsuit isn't just about me,
you know.
Love Guaranteed took advantage
of them, too.
So what are you gonna do if we win?
You're gonna split the damages
with a thousand different women?
No, I have plans for that money.
I bet you do.
And just so you know, I was always
a perfect gentleman to them.
I took these women on classy dates.
Split the check at Denny's?
No disrespect to the Grand Slam Breakfast,
but give a guy some credit, okay?
Breakfast at Bacco, lunch at Pink Door,
and dinner at Coral.
Coral? That place is fancy.
Yes. And I paid every time.
Alright, I'm impressed.
More with your time management
than anything.
Yeah? Got most dates down
to under an hour.
Quicker than an oil change.
Okay, do you have a heart,
or just an empty space
where you keep your car keys?
Yeah, it's empty.
- I gotta go.
- Hot date?
- Yep.
- What?
That was a bad joke, it's 10 a.m.
Yeah. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner dates.
It's breakfast.
You poor, poor girls.
I know I'm married, but I'd love
to see him in my chambers.
For a debriefing.
Heyo!
He's an opportunist.
We should be ashamed for taking this case.
- Hello.
- Ain't no shame in this game.
Precious cargo coming through!
Ooh, I love our new paying client.
We'll see about that.
- What is that?
- Files.
From Nick's dates.
In order for this case to fly,
all of them have to be corroborated,
so good luck with that.
Incoming!
What's going on?
We just went live.
- What are you talking about?
- Your inbox for Love Guaranteed.
You were supposed to let me
proof it first!
Why would you use that photo?
It was the only picture we could find
where you weren't working.
That's from my birthday at Tortilla Flats,
I was wasted.
A drink-y Susan is
a dateable Susan.
I do dip my french fries in mayo.
I do like old dogs better than puppies.
Wait, how do you guys know
all this stuff about me?
- Lots of overtime.
- I went through your garbage.
They're lighting up like
planes on a runway.
Whoa.
No. No. Maybe.
No, not right now, no.
I have to interview Nick's dates
for their depositions.
Which you can do while going on dates
of your own.
Mr. Yang next door is willing to offer you
a friends and family lunch discount.
I do love Yang's.
He's weirdly as excited as we are.
For research.
Ooh, how about this one in the flannel?
Looks like a lumberjack.
- Like an educated lumberjack.
- That's not a thing.
- A lumbersexual?
- Oh, that's a thing.
Uh... hi there. My name's Susan Whitaker,
I'm an attorney in the area.
I was just wondering, did you ever
go on a date with Nicholas Evans?
Yes, I remember him.
Because he actually looked like his photo.
Some dates don't look like their photos?
Really?
So how'd the date go?
- It was the best date I've ever been on.
- Mm-hm.
Wish he would've asked for my number!
Nick was the best.
Just a nice, normal guy.
Like, super normal.
Some dates are abnormal?
So, intermittent fasting, huh?
Yeah.
As in you just purposely don't eat?
- I'm actually up to 20 hours a day now.
- Wow.
Hmm...
isn't that dangerous, or...
No, it's super good for you.
It's actually how...
cavemen used to... to eat.
Wasn't the life expectancy
for a caveman like, 25?
Check!
So, tell me about your date
with Nick Evans.
The date was fine,
but I knew he wasn't for me. I got a vibe.
What kind of a vibe?
It's like Nick believes
he's genuinely looking for love.
But instead he's trying to prove
that love doesn't exist.
Huh.
Did you ever find a date
to your sister's wedding?
- It was canceled.
- Oh.
Turns out the groom's in love with my mom,
and not my sister.
Could you die?
Wow. Holidays must be interesting
at your house.
At least Nick showed up.
My last online date totally ghosted me.
Some dates just don't show up?
You guys, I don't know
how Nick managed it.
I don't.
I've been on two dates and one no-show,
and I am exhausted.
Why do you think I proposed to Dante
after two weeks? It's a jungle out there.
There's plenty of fish
in the sea.
There's also plenty of trash.
- The affidavits for Nick to sign.
- I'll drive them over.
I can e-mail them
and he can docu-sign.
Are you kidding me? I'm beyond curious
to see where this guy works.
I bet you he's a Crossfit instructor.
Probably runs an illegal poker game
out of a parking garage.
Surprise, you're both wrong.
Hm.
- Let's go, man.
- Some might call this elder abuse.
- Faster, okay?
- Alright.
Once I'm on my feet,
I'm gonna ask Donna over there
to go dancing. Hey, Donna.
You ever been dipped
in an Argentine tango?
Be careful, she's a maneater.
Oh, here's hoping.
Jerome, you nasty.
Wait. What...
What is happening?
My crusader for justice.
Okay, so many things
are finally making sense.
I didn't know you made house calls.
I'm just doing my due diligence.
Right, checking up on me.
- Something like that.
- Making sure I'm an upstanding citizen.
And he's making me a standing up citizen.
Alright, comedian, I'll see ya Thursday.
I'll be with you in two seconds.
So, you're how I landed my new client.
Told you I wouldn't forget.
Tossed business your way. Surprised?
Nick is surprising.
Doctor said, my dancing days are over.
Nick said, hogwash.
Nick donates his time here
for the old folks like me
that can't afford PT.
He's a good egg. Like you.
And two good eggs make an omelet.
Donna.
Donna.
Okay. So what do we got?
Just a few things for you to sign.
Oh.
It's just the bottom there.
Cool. Oh, guess what?
- What?
- Tomorrow's it.
My one thousandth date.
- Well.
- Yeah.
Uh...
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Hm.
So, show me her profile.
- For my date?
- Yes.
- I don't think that's such a good idea.
- Why not?
- I don't know, weird.
- It's for the case.
- For the case?
- Sure.
Sure. Okay, well...
Here.
- Here? Okay.
- Press down.
- Pam.
- Mm-hm.
Pam is 32,
she is a fifth grade teacher,
she enjoys hiking and gardening.
Huh.
She seems adorable.
Adorable is a number one red flag.
Anything that sounds too good to be true
on the internet is a lie.
I have noticed that.
Yeah, well, wish me luck.
Hardly seems appropriate.
Right.
- 'Cause the case.
- Right.
I don't do sugar, vinegar, dairy, gluten,
seeds, or nightshades.
Ooh!
No. Mm-hm.
Get you a drink while you wait?
Glass of Pinot, please.
Does the pecan-crusted tuna
have nuts in it?
It's crusted in pecans.
Right.
Better bring
the whole bottle.
Oh!
Damn it.
Seriously, could this menu have
more shellfish on it?
If I even eat one mollusk I'll be covered
in eczema like the Elephant Man.
Did you... hear the one
about the greedy clam?
He was a little shellfish.
A little shellfish.
Good evening.
For how many?
Shocker.
The teriyaki chicken would be nice,
if I brought my Epi-pen.
Which I didn't.
Okay, well, look me up on LinkedIn.
Hm.
Hey. I know you.
Susan!
Hey!
No! Oh, God, no.
Susan!
Susan!
Yes, it's me! Shhh.
It's Susan, everybody. We used to date.
I know.
- Watch it!
- May I...
purchase you a drink?
What are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be fasting?
Hm.
It's my eating window.
Smells like your drinking window.
It's a bit of that, too. You know.
No!
Oh.
Can you listen to me?
You need a sandwich and a nap!
Up on three. One, two...
Hm.
Hmm.
Maybe I'll slide into your DMs later.
- Gross.
- Hmm.
Thank you.
- Who's that?
- That is my lawyer.
I mean, these women,
they could be subpoenaed.
I had to make sure that you weren't
intentionally tanking the dates.
- You were spying on me.
- No!
- Yeah, you were.
- No!
A little. Professionally.
- "Professionally."
- I'm sorry I ruined your date.
It's okay, it was terrible.
It really was. She knows.
Whoa!
- You work fast, Nick.
- No, I'm not a...
Oh, never mind.
What can I get you?
Oh, I'm fine.
- Thank you.
- Please.
I'm starving.
Uh...
One second.
Yes. Coral burger and fries. Thank you.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
No special requests?
Extra mayo.
I like this one.
This is where it all happens.
Oh, yeah, this is my lucky table.
Is it, though?
Actually, no.
This thing is cursed.
Let's go sit somewhere else.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
The only thing I ever wanted to do
was play ball.
But then I slid into home, tore my ACL.
You know, it's funny
that your whole life can just change
in the blink of an eye.
That's terrible, I'm sorry.
Only thing that got me through it
was my PT, Rasheed.
- Hm.
- This dude was so funny.
He just really inspired me to do
the hard work to heal, you know?
Nice.
And so I decided to become a PT myself.
Do the same thing.
- Inspire through humor.
- No, I'm mean. I yell a lot.
What about you? I bet you were
- the kid crusader for justice.
- What?
Busting rigged hide-and-go-seek games
around the neighborhood.
How'd you know they were rigged?
No, I suppose you're right. Yeah.
I do feel like there's something
hardwired in me from birth,
to want to just
fight for the little guy.
One time when I was really little,
my parents took me to see The Fugitive.
And I got so upset
that they convicted an innocent man.
I'm still upset.
But I had to go wait in the lobby.
Couldn't take it.
You serious?
My dad tried to get me to come back
into the theater, but I wouldn't.
Still haven't seen the end of that movie.
- You didn't see The Fugitive?
- No.
You never saw the One-Armed Man?
If that's a reference to The Fugitive, no.
Before the trial is over,
we are watching
The Fugitive together, okay?
It's a date.
But... also not.
- I know what you meant. Yeah.
- You get it.
Great.
Actually...
this is the best dinner I've had
in a really long time.
Same.
So... you know
all about my love life.
Why don't you tell me about yours?
- There's nothing much to tell.
- I find that hard to believe.
Well, I'm running a business.
It's a lot. I just don't have time
for a relationship right now.
Someday, you know, I will.
Just not today.
Hmm.
There had to be someone.
Of course there was someone.
Sure, back in law school.
His name was Josh.
We thought we were gonna get married,
have kids, dogs, whole thing, but...
I don't know, he had other plans.
What kind of plans?
Just the kind
that did not include me.
Seriously, how far did you park?
Okay, valet at Coral?
Twelve dollars? It's highway robbery.
Right.
Hm.
Oh!
So this is yours?
Yep, this is Zorro.
- Nice, Zorro, that's sweet.
- Sweet?
No, Zorro is a vigilante
who tracks down ruthless villains.
- A lot tougher than she looks, huh?
- Yeah.
- Let me get that for you.
- Oh, no, I got it.
Literally got it.
Well, you are full of surprises.
So are you.
- Handshake.
- Yeah.
It's my signature end-of-the-date move.
It's my way of saying goodbye, good luck,
have a nice life.
So it's an efficient transaction.
Yes, it is.
So, tell me,
if you were going to name tonight
like an episode of Friends,
what would my title be?
"The one I didn't see coming."
Night.
Night, Susan.
- What's that noise in your car?
- Oh, it's Tiffany.
- Tiffany?
- Yeah.
No idea what that is.
What?
Tiffany, she was like one
of the biggest singers in the 1980s.
- Oh, Tiffany Tiffany.
- Yes, Tiffany.
Yeah, still don't know. I have no clue.
You must have, it's so--
Are you kidding? I can't tell.
Possibly.
Good night, Nick.
Good night, Tiffany.
Ms. Kapoor, you can call
your own exterminator.
Yes, absolutely.
Tenant law stipulates that you're entitled
to a pest-free apartment.
Absolute--
Okay. Well let me know how it goes, Ms. K.
Thank you.
Roberto, there is this concept
called knocking.
- You make a fist, you pull it back--
- Okay, fine.
- Love Guaranteed is on line two.
- You can burst in for that.
Susan Whitaker.
Mm-hm.
Uh-huh.
Yes, absolutely.
We look forward to it.
That was Bill Jones,
lead counsel for Love Guaranteed.
He invited us to a meeting
at their headquarters with none other
than Tamara Taylor.
Keep it close.
Oh... cozy.
Right?
Hi. Susan Whitaker and Nicholas Evans
for Tamara Taylor.
Sign in there, please.
And fourth floor penthouse.
Right, Brad and Veronica met
at Love Guaranteed.
Brad and Veronica are clearly models.
Just 'cause they're implausibly attractive
doesn't mean that they're paid models.
Don't you have faith
in anything good in this world?
Sure. Just not in Brad and Veronica.
They fake and they phony.
Look at those teeth, too white.
Some ground rules before we go in there:
I do the talking. You, no snarking,
no snickering, no snorting.
Snorting?
Yes, when you're trying not to laugh
you make a sound kind of like...
I don't--
- That sounds nothing like me.
- It's exactly like you.
- Nope.
- We'll see.
Ms. Whitaker.
- Bill Jones.
- My client, Nick Evans.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
Please.
Right.
We're ready for her.
Tashi delek. Jug rog nang.
Tibetan greeting. Namaste.
Have you been offered a drink?
Filtered stream water?
I have it flown in from Chile.
I'm fine.
- We're fine.
- Micah, serve them water.
All right.
I was shocked and disappointed
to hear that
you brought a complaint against
Love Guaranteed.
Well, per the Deceptive
Trade Practices Act,
corporations are barred from engaging in
misrepresentation,
bait-and-switch advertising,
and other fraudulent behaviors
to promote their products,
so... here we are.
Ms. Whitaker, have you ever been
to Pangong Tso in Tibet?
No.
It is a transformative place.
I went on a two-month, barefoot walkabout
through the high grasslands,
asking myself,
"What is my purpose on Earth?"
One day,
a lone bird swooped across the sky
and I felt loneliness to the deepest core
of my essence and I thought,
"I will solve loneliness."
My website brings much needed hope,
love, connection, joy,
happiness, life to the masses.
Except that you're not selling
love, joy, and hope.
You're selling a love guarantee.
Everyone here knows that that language
is legally binding.
So.
We have a case. You all know it.
What are you offering?
Bill?
Well, we have
a very generous settlement to offer.
One hundred thousand dollars,
with a signed non-disclosure agreement.
We can cut the check today.
One hundred thousand dollars
wouldn't even begin to cover the expenses
of my client's dates.
We request five hundred thousand
in restitution,
the promise that your company scrubs
all language of a love guarantee
from its website and advertising,
and I would also obviously need to review
any NDA before my client can sign it.
I'm sorry,
this isn't a negotiation.
We've looked into you, Ms. Whitaker,
and we see that
your earnest little boutique firm
is under water. You're failing.
This little do-gooder,
crusader for justice attitude,
it might impress your clients
but it doesn't do anything for me.
I, well...
Luckily, we are not here to talk about me.
We are here to discuss this case.
Then take the settlement.
- We won't offer it again.
- Buddha once said,
"No man can step in the same river twice."
Do you know why I hired Susan?
- Nick, no!
- Because she's the opposite of you.
Okay?
She has character and principles,
and a sense of common decency.
- Thank you.
- Hmm.
Well, I have
a billion dollar empire to run,
so just sign the papers
and we'll pay you out
and this little PR headache will go away.
No deal.
We will see you in court,
where we will request one million dollars
in punitive damages.
Oh, and by the way,
it's Heraclitus, not Buddha.
What?
The river quote? Yeah.
Those inspirational fridge magnets,
they have such tiny fine print.
Really gotta read it carefully.
Boom.
The water is gross.
Are they staring at us?
Yep, all of them.
- Should've taken the stairs.
- Yep.
- What? I mean--
- That was--
Who's idiotic idea was it
to guarantee love, anyway?
- Who am I firing today?
- Uh...
Yours.
Micah, you're fired.
- That was awesome.
- If Tamara Taylor thinks
that she can steamroll us,
she's got another think coming!
Yeah... thing.
- Another thing coming.
- No, it's think, like,
"think again."
Ha! No, it's thing.
- Do you always have to be right?
- Only when the other person's wrong.
Hey, thank you.
For standing up for me in there.
That really meant a lot.
You stand up for people all day,
someone's gotta have your back.
Oh!
You really went in on that song,
didn't you?
The tape is actually stuck in the player.
- Right.
- Has been since the 80s.
- Mm-hm.
- The volume knob is also broken,
so Zorro decides when it plays
and when it doesn't.
So your car is possessed by Tiffany.
- Basically.
- Great.
- Why don't you get it fixed?
- Oh, it's on the list.
Thank you.
How long is your list?
How long you got?
So, Susan says,
"It's not Buddha,
it's Heraclitus."
- Who's that?
- No clue.
The point is, she was amazing.
I mean, I've never seen anything
like that in my life.
She was beautiful, she was poised.
You know, for a man
who's been on a thousand dates,
you got zero game.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about Susan.
Sus-- No.
Susan...
That's my lawyer. She's... no.
Off the table.
Last I checked, she was a woman first.
A smart, beautiful, compassionate woman.
I don't know, Jerome, that's--
What's holding you back?
You just went on a thousand dates
and you're afraid to go on one more?
Yeah, but Susan's not like the rest.
Exactly.
Scary, isn't it?
You've been playing in the shallow end,
where it's safe.
That ain't where you gonna find love.
To find that, you gotta dive deeper.
What if I sink?
What if you swim?
Susan Whitaker?
Charles Gilbert, Seattle Courier.
How do you plan
to take on Love Guaranteed?
Do you really believe
Nick Evans has a case?
- How did you hear that I--
- Slow news week, I was
trolling courthouse filings, jackpot!
Ex-pro ball player suing a dating site,
now that's a human interest piece.
No comment.
Ms. Whitaker,
if I could just get a moment--
A reporter just accosted me
about Nick's case.
I know, isn't it exciting?
- What'd you say?
- No comment.
It was pretty cool.
But listen, we need to focus
on getting ready for the trial,
not playing this case out in the press.
- You're no fun. Bill Jones called.
- Oh.
We already have a court date.
This is only six weeks away.
Alright, we can do this.
We gotta buckle down.
I need nights and weekends.
And Denise, light that candle you do
when the Seahawks are playing.
Anything for the team.
Seahawks.
Come on, focus.
Oh!
Oh, where are you going, boss?
Love Guaranteed is definitely going
to be going after Nick's character
and we can't afford
for there to be any surprises
so I did a little Google stalking.
Did you find dirt?
Not that I want you to.
But let's be honest, I love dirt.
Yes. So, look.
Nick's not on social media anymore,
but I did find some crumbs.
Her name's Arianna Silver.
- She was not one of the thousand dates.
- Nope.
And we've got to cover our bases, so...
I'm gonna go meet with her today.
- O-M-G, she's gorgeous.
- I guess.
You know, if you're into
the whole supermodel thing.
- Everyone is.
- Most people are.
Okay, give me the phone.
What?
Holy crap.
Hi, you must be Susan.
I'm Arianna.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Nick Evans.
I haven't heard that name in a minute.
How is Nicky?
Nick is well.
He is suing a dating website
for making false claims.
As I told you on the phone,
I'm his attorney.
Sounds like Nick.
Always calling out a liar.
Ah! Um...
So anyway,
I'm looking into his dating history.
I haven't heard from Nick
since the breakup. He took it hard.
Very hard.
So you didn't keep in touch?
We broke up over two years ago.
My fault. It didn't end well.
Radio silence ever since.
Right but you said two years.
Thank you for your time.
Your relationship predates my case.
Wait.
If Nick didn't tell you about me,
- how did you find me?
- Oh.
Just some old social media accounts.
You've been doing some digging.
For the case, of course.
Of course.
I'll just show myself out.
Kitchen.
Oh, no!
Hello?
There's secret texting codes now?
You've been on two,
almost three internet dates now.
- You haven't learned the lingo yet?
- Obviously not.
I just wanted to see if you were awake
to, you know, go over a couple things.
To go over-- Wait, you're still at work?
So?
You are not a normal human being.
Fine, what about tomorrow then?
Tomorrow's Saturday.
What's your point?
My point is it's Saturday.
The one who ate paper.
- Yeah. All kinds.
- What?
- No.
- Yep. Napkins, toilet paper.
- Playing cards.
- No.
Not kidding. Origami...
I don't believe you,
but I am looking forward
to meeting this probably fictional person.
You know, you're not the cheesy swindler
I had you pegged for.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-mm.
You're not the uptight lawyer
I assumed you were.
Happy to be wrong for once.
Wrong? Okay.
- Just enjoying that, sorry.
- Yeah, well...
But you might be a little bit right.
Oh, yeah?
The first thing I do when I wake up
in the morning is check my phone.
Answer e-mails
before I even get out of bed,
go to the office all day,
then I come home, finish everything
I didn't get done at the office,
then I get back in bed
with my phone,
and it starts over again.
It's a vicious circle.
Um...
Cycle.
- What?
- It's a "vicious cycle."
- That's the saying.
- No, it's "vicious circle."
- Vicious circle? That sounds like a...
- Yeah.
Geometry teacher's rock band...
The Vicious Circle!
How did you find out?
Uh, she told me. She said she has
an imaginary friend.
That she'd bring him everywhere.
Brought him to the date.
I hope he had a good time.
She said he did.
He didn't eat any of his food.
Wow, you have enough food
for a whole week!
Exactly.
That way, I don't have to think about it
until I order again next weekend.
I like your logic.
I like your place too.
- Thank you.
- It's nice.
Gideon's family
actually owns the building.
He is the most generous brother-in-law
and worst landlord on the planet.
If I didn't raise my own rent
I think he'd probably be letting me
live here for free.
Kinda need to talk to you about something.
I met with Arianna.
As soon as I realized your relationship
predated our case,
I left.
Okay? But you don't need me
running around digging up
old wounds from girlfriends past.
I'm sorry.
Uh... fiancée.
- What?
- Yeah.
Two months before our wedding,
she upped and moved out
when I was at work.
There was no warning, no letter.
Yeah, it turns out
she was seeing someone else.
And had been seeing him
for a couple months.
So... yeah.
Melanie!
Mel! Mel, are you okay?
- Yeah! My water broke.
- Oh!
- Everything's fine.
- Okay, we heard screaming though.
Yeah, that was Gideon.
We gotta get to the hospital ASAP.
I have the route all mapped.
Where are the car keys?
- You must be Nick.
- Yes.
- Nice to meet you.
- Susan talks about you all the time.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do, actually.
- Course she does, I'm her favorite client.
- No, that's Jerome.
Jerome?
I am ten times more charming than Jerome.
He's got the whole cute grumpy
old man thing going on.
That's true. Yeah, he does have
the old thing going for him.
I am loving this whole back
and forth banter thing going on,
- but I gotta go have a baby.
- Yes.
Okay. All right.
Gideon, I don't want
to give birth in the car!
We're leasing.
- I can't find the car keys.
- Uh, check your left hand.
- Right.
- Yeah.
You'd think we hadn't done
this birthing thing before, huh?
- You got this.
- Okay, sweetie.
Remember our deal?
You be good for Auntie Suze.
- All right.
- Uh, okay.
My contractions are five minutes apart,
if we don't leave now,
we're naming our baby after the freeway
she was born on.
- I-90 is a terrible name.
- Okay. Bye.
- Here we go.
- Love you.
Oh, we haven't met yet.
Hi, I'm Gideon, nice--
- Nick.
- Oh, sorry!
- Go!
- Here we go.
- Bye!
- Bye, guys.
- Be good!
- Take pictures.
Or... don't.
- Ooh, it's exciting.
- That was... yeah.
I always thought I'd be at work
when D-Day finally came.
You know I can stick around and help out.
Oh, no. You have no idea
what you'd be signing up for.
- Him?
- Mm-hm.
Piece of cake.
Ooh!
Ha!
Yeah!
Hiyah! Hiyah! Hiyah! Hiyah!
Hiyah!
What happened?
Yeah!
He was like one of those Von Trapp kids
and now it's all Hunger Games.
Yeah!
I'm scared.
Yes!
- Oliver.
- What?
Oliver, we need to open a window
of negotiation about bedtime.
Are you lawyering a four-year-old?
I am willing to make concessions.
All right, I'll be right back.
Okay.
What do you want? Just what do you want?
Alright, who wants ice cream?
- Me!
- All right.
Ice cream coming up,
but first lay down, in bed, now.
Let's go.
Here.
Enjoy.
Voilà.
That's all it took, all this time?
Yeah, it's bribery.
It's the oldest trick in history.
- Night, kid.
- Night!
Oh, my goodness.
Next time, I'm bringing holy water.
Well...
It's Gideon.
"Baby Amelia is here.
Seven pounds, two ounces.
Mom and baby are resting.
- Dad needs alcohol."
- Wow!
Look at that.
That's incredible, isn't it?
How much your life can just
change in a moment?
Yeah.
I better go.
Yeah, I have early PT in the morning.
- So...
- Hm.
Special place, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And once we win the case,
it's gonna be even better.
How so?
Well I'm donating any proceeds
from the lawsuit towards a...
new children's wing.
You'd be surprised
how many little kids we get in there.
You never told me that.
You never asked.
I'm sorry I judged you.
Don't be. I judged you too.
Pumpkin spice latte?
Yeah.
I had fun tonight.
I did, too.
Right?
Hey. Give me a hug.
- We can hug.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
You don't smell like a lawyer.
Hm.
Good night, Susan.
Night.
She's MIA. She's never MIA.
First she takes yesterday off
to spend time with a baby
who isn't even a client
and now she's late?
Should we put out an amber alert?
I want to see her name on buses by noon.
- Is she choking?
- I think that was a giggle.
She sounds like I do
after a second Ambien.
- Hey, Susan.
- There's a high pour.
How are you feeling?
You know? Never better.
No, this is fresh.
Oh!
You're such a dear.
Hm.
Well, back to the salt mines.
- I don't smell day drinking.
- You can't smell vodka.
- I can smell it on you.
- Shut up.
S. Whitaker and Associates.
Hold, please.
It's Bill Jones!
- Oh, hey, you.
- Okay.
What is happening?
You have this thing about knocking.
Hm. Well, I appreciate your passion
for your job.
And I appreciate you, Roberto.
Oh...
Okay.
- Bill Jones is on line one.
- Okay.
- Mr. Jones.
- Ms. Whitaker.
I had to let you know we're calling in
a last-minute witness to trial.
Arianna Silver.
How did you find her?
You're not the only one
digging up dirt, Ms. Whitaker.
We've been busy little bees.
Busy looking into Nick Evans' love life.
And it seems you've been getting
awfully cozy with your client.
Luckily, my personal life
has nothing to do with this case.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
You see,
the love guarantee technically states,
subscribers will find love
via Love Guaranteed.
It does not stipulate that the dates have
to be arranged on the site.
Only that the subscribers
find love because of it.
Are you still there?
- Yes.
- I thought so.
This is your last chance
to take the settlement.
Otherwise this could end, well, badly
for both you and your client...
Seattle Lady Lawyer.
Bye.
Hi, you've reached Susan,
please leave a message.
Hey, it's Nick, you free tonight?
I just got The Fugitive DVD.
Uh, I'm so excited I forgot
I haven't owned a DVD player
in five years.
Do you have a DVD player?
Does anyone?
Okay, call me back.
- You have to talk to him.
- And tell him what?
That I might've sunk our case by
signing up for that ridiculous site?
It's only an issue if Nick finds love.
Right? So...
Just pump the brakes
while you're working together.
That's the problem,
I don't want to pump the brakes.
I've never not wanted
to do something more.
- That's wonderful!
- No.
No it's not!
If Love Guaranteed finds out
that Nick is...
falling for me,
they will use it against us in court.
We will lose this case.
He will not be able to donate any
of that money to the center, and...
- Okay.
- Love you, sis.
Hello?
Where you been?
I left, like, five messages for you.
Just preparing for the trial.
Yeah. You want some help?
No, I got this.
Right.
Well, how does a pickup full
of Pad Thai sound?
You can add the leftovers
to your collection.
All good over here, thanks.
You okay? You seem off.
Just busy.
You know, we're only two weeks out
from our court date.
Okay, uh...
Let me know
when you come up for air, then.
Nick, I don't think that we should
see each other right now.
I need to focus on the case,
it's my priority.
Uh...
Is that what you want?
We can't always do what we want.
Sometimes we need to do what's right.
Why are you doing this?
You want to win, don't you?
That's what this whole case is about.
It's why you hired me, isn't it?
Yeah.
Then let me do what I know
is right for both of us, okay?
Cool. I'll see you in court.
Looks like I sunk.
♪ Tired ♪
♪ Drifting on ♪
♪ Yawning crew ♪
♪ Quiet hands ♪
♪ Empty plans ♪
♪ It's a hollow dance ♪
♪ These are all our things ♪
♪ That remind me ♪
♪ You heart can't take the path ♪
♪ Or the timing ♪
♪ There's no need to rush ♪
♪ What's that sound ♪
♪ Turn around ♪
♪ Can't stop calling now ♪
♪ But I keep falling in ♪
♪ Stalling it ♪
♪ Days I'm tired a bit ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's meant to be ♪
♪ Then let it be ♪
♪ It's easy said than done ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's meant to be ♪
♪ Then let it be ♪
♪ Let go, let it be ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's meant to be ♪
♪ Then let it be ♪
♪ It's easy said than done ♪
♪ 'Cause if it's meant to be ♪
♪ Then let it be ♪
♪ Let go, let it be ♪
Can a dating site guarantee love?
We're about to find out.
There she is. Ms. Taylor!
Blessings.
Check out my lifestyle blog.
Hi.
Is that a new suit? It looks good.
Let's get this show on the road.
Ms. Whitaker and Mr. Evans,
a moment of your time, please.
Mr. Evans, how many dates
have you been on?
Can I have an statement, Mr. Evans?
What price
would you pay to find love?
Almost anything, right?
Well...
for 29.95, which includes use
of their website and app,
Love Guaranteed guarantees
that you will find love.
All you have to do
is go on a thousand dates.
That's right.
One thousand different dates.
I went on two and a half
Love Guaranteed dates,
and well, that was quite enough
for me, thank you.
My client, Nicholas Evans,
followed the rules.
He went on one thousand dates. But...
Love Guaranteed did not
deliver on their promise.
Nick Evans did not find love.
Over the course of this trial,
the evidence will prove
that Love Guaranteed cares far more
about profits than they do the well-being
of their subscribers.
Nicholas Evans
asks that you hold
Love Guaranteed responsible
for their wrongful actions.
Thank you.
Mr. Jones, your turn.
Thank you, Your Honor.
The defendant stands by
Love Guaranteed's brand messaging.
Love is guaranteed
for those truly looking for it.
Now, during this trial,
the defense will establish
that Nick Evans had zero intention
of finding love.
This lawsuit isn't about trade practices
or false advertising. No.
It's a bargain basement gotcha lawsuit
all about the money.
Now, the evidence will show Nick Evans,
having previously been burned by love,
had no intention of finding love again.
Sure, Mr. Evans may have been
on a thousand dates.
But the evidence will show he was just
ticking them off in pursuit of a payday.
So, at the conclusion of this trial,
the good people of the jury
will find for Love Guaranteed
and dismiss all charges.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Dr. Rossmore, for the record,
what is your field of expertise?
Well I have a PhD in Psychology,
and I teach human behavior
and the sciences at the university.
My specialty is attachments
and relationships.
Primarily the science of love.
And in your professional opinion,
are there any known ways
to guarantee love?
All the conclusions agree there is no way
to predict love, much less guarantee it.
No further questions.
Why didn't you object?
The doctor is an expert witness,
there was nothing to object to.
- Why do you keep hitting me?
- Because you like it.
No, I don't.
And how did the date go?
Nick asked all about me.
First time that's ever happened
on an internet date.
Am I right, ladies?
Did you ever feel like
Nick was just going through the motions?
- Uh... No, he was really nice.
- Thank you.
- Yes!
- Baby girl!
And how did you leave it?
Nick insisted on paying the bill,
walked me to my car,
shook my hand good night.
The perfect gentleman.
Thank you for your time today.
Defendant's witness.
Come on.
You expect us to believe
Mr. Out For A Quick Buck
didn't intentionally throw the date?
No, like I said. Perfect gentleman.
Uh-huh. Then why didn't you go out again?
It's internet dating. Click and move on.
That's how it goes.
No, how it goes is Nick Evans had
zero intention of finding love,
- and he manufactured--
- Objection, Your Honor.
Sustained.
Actually, can I answer?
Nick and I went on one date.
It's impossible to say
what was in his heart.
But I hope he does find love one day.
He deserves it.
We all do.
Ugh.
No further questions.
He's coming off like a saint in there,
what is your plan?
- Don't worry.
- Don't touch me!
Okay.
Tomorrow, we're going to tear apart
Nick's character and motivation
by delving into his relationships.
Both past and present.
Look, they're coming!
Ms. Taylor, can I get a statement
for Rise and Shine Seattle?
Yeah, it's a silly lawsuit.
We are still the best dating website
you can subscribe to.
Check out my lifestyle blog
for today's tips.
No gluten, no dairy, no wheat,
no sugar, no...
Kicking ass, taking names,
and looking fierce the entire time.
Check, check, check.
I don't know.
I just can't let Bill Jones ruin
Nick's reputation.
Hm.
Hold on.
- Hold on?
- To what?
Nick!
Hi.
Listen, I...
I have an idea.
It's a little unorthodox, but...
I'd like to call Arianna
to the stand tomorrow.
Why?
She's being called either way.
It's better that we manage her testimony
rather than react to it.
So we take the wind out
of Love Guaranteed's sails.
I have no way of knowing
what Arianna will say.
But it will show the court
that you're not taking this lying down.
You're an honorable guy, Nick,
and that's gonna come through.
Thank you.
Susan...
I'll see you tomorrow.
♪ That's what they say
When we're together ♪
♪ And watch how you play ♪
I hate you, Tiffany!
♪ And so we're
Running just as fast as we can ♪
♪ Holding on to one another hands ♪
Before calling Nicholas Evans
to the stand,
the plaintiff would like
to call Ms. Arianna Silver.
- Objection, that's my witness.
- All right, Counsel.
Come to the bench, please.
You can't do this. Arianna Silver is
a witness for the defense.
And you will have plenty of time
to cross examine.
She's trying to steal my witness.
All right, listen up.
If Ms. Whitaker somehow thinks
the defense’s witness will help her case,
then she has the right
to call whoever she wants.
And as she pointed out, Mr. Jones,
you will have your chance during cross.
So yes, I'm going to allow it.
Back you go.
This isn't fair.
Thank you, Your Honor.
The plaintiff calls Ms. Arianna Silver
to the stand.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I do.
Ms. Silver, how did you know Mr. Evans?
He's my ex-fiance.
And for the question on everyone's mind.
What happened?
I left him.
For someone else.
I'm getting married next month.
Congratulations.
To put it plainly, Ms. Silver,
It is my presumption that the defense
named you as a witness in hopes
to reflect negatively
on Mr. Evans' character.
When I spoke to Mr. Jones,
about being a witness,
I did mention that I thought
Nick was licking his wounds.
I mean, a thousand dates
and you couldn't find someone new?
Seemed a little fishy to me.
And do you still feel the same way?
Actually, no.
Nick is a great guy.
He's all about being honest.
So I assume that this lawsuit is
on the up and up.
I only wish him well.
Thank you for your time,
Ms. Silver.
Defendant's witness.
No questions.
If there are no questions,
then the witness can be excused.
And we'll take a 15-minute recess
before the plaintiff takes the stand.
Arianna?
I just want to thank you.
I'm sorry how things ended with us.
It's my fault.
I'm not proud of it,
but I did learn from it.
I'm with the right person now.
I'm happy for you.
Mm-hm.
I'm happy for you too.
- What are you talking about?
- I know that look.
You're in love with your lawyer.
Hmm...
I just hope you can admit it to yourself,
before it's too late.
But what if she doesn't feel the same way?
What if I get hurt again?
There are no guarantees in love, Nick.
Isn't that what this is all about?
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I do.
Mr. Evans,
in your own words, please,
tell the court how Love Guaranteed
deceived and damaged you
with their false promises.
Just say whatever
comes to mind.
When I started this whole thing,
I was out for justice.
Love isn't something
you can just guarantee.
Like a pizza delivery.
I'm sorry,
what are you doing?
Love is unpredictable.
And it can burn you.
But it can also surprise you
in the most remarkable ways.
It turns out I did find love,
when I fell in love with my lawyer.
Ms. Whitaker herself said
she subscribed to Love Guaranteed.
If Nick Evans is in love with her,
this lawsuit has to be dismissed.
Folks, we must have
order in the courtroom.
There's no need for dismissal, Your Honor.
I'm dropping the lawsuit.
Mr. Jones is right.
While I didn't meet Susan through
the site,
I met her because of it.
And I promised
to tell the truth under oath, so...
I'd much rather have love in my life
than win here in court today.
It's an amazing thing
when you find someone who gets you.
And you get them in return.
Even when they're right and you're wrong.
Turns out the saying is,
"You've got another think coming."
It really is, I Googled it. Weird.
A wise old man once told me
to dive in, so...
here it goes.
What I realized,
that I don't want a guarantee.
Or a safety net.
All I want...
is to take a chance with you.
It's not a risk to fall in love.
It's a risk not to.
I love you, Susan.
Do you love me too?
Ms. Whitaker, answer that question.
I do!
I give you all the credit, I do.
- You take care of her.
- I will.
- I'm so proud of you.
- My man!
- You smell like wine.
- A little bit.
- Ms. Whitaker?
- Yes.
Ms. Taylor would like a word with you.
Please.
Hmm.
When I studied with my Lama
in Tibet, he said,
"The thousand brilliant accomplishments
of the past do not serve today's purpose."
Hmm.
- I'm sorry, I'm not following.
- I'll pay your legal fees,
and I'll donate 250 thousand
to your hospital,
if you two become the new face
of Love Guaranteed.
Hm...
- Why would you do that?
- An old-fashioned love story
complete with
a romantic courtroom confession?
People love that crap.
I mean...
It's gonna make me look so good
on social media. It's not hard...
It's much better than
the fake poster couple we have now.
I knew it!
Brad and Veronica.
- He did, he called that. Hm--
- I called that.
Two hundred and fifty thousand
for the hospital. That's a lot,
but we were seeking a million in damages.
And let's face it,
we could've had it, so...
But you didn't.
- We could've though.
- How about 500 thousand?
Deal.
Wow.
The jury still out on whether
a dating site can guarantee love.
But love guarantees a happy ending.
So what do we do now?
Go on an official first date?
Anything but a first date.
♪ Children behave ♪
♪ That's what they say
When we're together ♪
♪ And watch how you play ♪
♪ They don't understand ♪
♪ And so we're running
Just as fast as we can ♪
♪ Holding on to one another hands ♪
♪ Trying to get away into the night ♪
♪ Then you put your arms around me
And we tumble to the ground and you say ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ There doesn't seem to be
Anyone around ♪
♪ I think we're alone now ♪
♪ The beating of our hearts
Is the only sound ♪