Love Birds (2011) - full transcript

Morning! Cup of tea?

Sorry,

The power and the water needs paying.
I'm leaving some money towards it here.

You going somewhere, hon?

I'm leaving you, Doug.

Well, that's it? I don't understand.

Is it something I've done?
Oh, come on, Doug.

You're still in your parents' house.

Your job is going nowhere.

You have a degree
and you work in a road gang.

You can't just leave.



I love you.

Doug, please.

I promise to change.

Nothing has changed in two years.

Except me.

Hey, Flash.

Mate, you sure
this is the right place?

Yeah, it's the right place, Gurn.

Oh, no!
Oh!

Shit!

Oh, no!

Whoo-hoo!

You're joking.

Mr. Watson?



Someone to see you.
He says he's a friend.

Flash!

Hey!

Come in. God,
I haven't seen you since, um...

I don't know.

How's Susan?

She left me.

Ouch, eh?

It's a bummer, man.

Yeah.

Let's face it.

She always was higher-octane
than your engine was designed for.

You know?

I mean, no, it's a stinker, but, um...
maybe it's for the best.

For the best?
Yeah.

I love her. I thought we were a couple.

Well, no. I know.

It's like a kick in the gonads
when that happens.

Or so I hear.
It's my heart, Craig.

It's not my gonads.

What am I gonna do?

You want my advice?

Yeah.
Yep?

Well, you've got to get on with your life.
I guess so.

Yeah. Oh, there's the spirit.
Onwards and outwards.

Hey, and you give us a ring sometime.
We're gonna grab a beer, OK?

Yeah, That'd be...

Be good.

Can we talk about this?

Us?

I love you.

I love you. Love you.

Hey, shut up!

Shut up, you... dog!

Oh! Just...

Get out, man! Go!

What are you doing up there?

You hurt?

Oh!

What the...? No!

Not inside the house! Go on!

Mongrel! Get that duck out of here!

Come back!

Get out! This is my house!

Ha! Got ya!

Right, you! Go on! Get out.

Yes.

Good riddance.

Bloody duck.

You can't
keep him here, mate.

I'm sure there's health and safety rules
about this sort of thing.

What am I supposed to do? Can't keep him at home.
He'll just trash the place.

Why don't you take him to a vet?
Nah.

Vets are a bloody rip-off.

Well, it's, um...

It's munted, right?

Maybe we should just...
you know, just put it out of its misery.

We just close up the box
and we roll over it with the, um...

Oh!
Eh?

Eh? Come on. It'll be painless.

Dude, it doesn't sound painless.
Well, we can have it for lunch.

Yeah, you put mud all around it
and you put it in a hole in the ground.

Build a fire over it. Leave it for an hour.
We're not eating it.

It's just a bird. They're filthy animals.

Maybe you should take it to the zoo.

Zoos take animals, don't they?

Come on, little one.

That's it.

Gonna see some children now.

That's it. Shh!

We'll put you in this cage, OK?

That's it. Take it easy.

Good girl.

Oh! Bollocks!

Sorry.

Sorry. I'm...

I'm just looking for the, uh...
the bird expert...

...keeper person.

Well, you've found her.

What can I do for you?

Ah, it's this duck.
I think it's injured.

Well, he needs a vet, then,
doesn't it?

Well, the thing is,
it's not really my duck.

Look, we're not a refuge
for broken birds. I'm sorry.

Come on! Here we go.

I thought you might have, like,
a bird hospital or something.

Yeah, right next to
the bird fire station.

Yep.

I'm kind of busy. So...

Right.

OK. Here we go, little one.

So it'll fit here somewhere?
No.

No?
It won't fit anywhere.

Must be somewhere I can take a duck.
It's not a duck.

I'm pretty sure it is.

Oh, so you're the bird expert now,
are you?

Well, no. It's just...

I mean, that's a duck. Isn't it?

The traditional method of
feeding zoo animals from a feed pan...

It's a shelduck.

...does little to stimulate
complex feeding behaviours.

Oh, well, great. See? There you go.
I wouldn't have known that.

So it's better off here, isn't it, really?

No, Look, um...

Give you the name of someone
who might be able to help you.

Now, some of the food
that we feed the animals

you might not think of as food.

It's the Easter bunny.

Oh, Jesus. Here.

Look him up. Give him a call.

Who wants to see a more pork, hey?

Oh, isn't he gorgeous?

Putangitangi,

the paradise shelduck,

is endemic to New Zealand.

It can be found
nowhere else in the world.

When discovered by Captain Cook,
he called it the painted duck,

an inadequate description, I feel.

You know a lot about ducks.

Thank you, Ginger.

Actually, they have more in common
with swans and geese

than they do with ducks.

I'm a, uh, vet by trade
but a twitcher by volition.

A twitcher?

Birdwatcher.
Oh.

I've always loved birds.

They do something that we...

...humans can't do.

They... fly unaided.

Rather magical animals,
as far as I'm concerned.

Well, let's have a look.

Yes, he has been shot.

No sign of a female friend
when you found him?

No.

Many people believe
that they mate for life,

so that if they lose a mate,
then that's it.

He's on his own.

Your friend's flying days are over.
He can't fend for himself.

So I think the most humane thing to do
would be to put him down.

Oh...

Or...

...I could bind his wing and
we could try to find him a foster home.

Well, that sounds good.

Someone will need to
look after him in the meantime.

Right.

So, how long?
Couple of days, maybe a week.

Hmm?

Yeah. Alright.

I'll do it. I can do that.

Right, what...
What does he eat?

Well, shelducks
usually graze on seeds and grasses

with the odd worm thrown in.

However, tinned peas will be fine.

Tinned peas?
Mm-hm.

Alright.
Mum, look!

He's strange.

Sorry.

I like your duck.
Thank you.

Have you had him long?

No, I'm just looking after it
for a while.

That was the duck.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, see you later.
'Bye.

It shouldn't take too long.
I should have it all ready to... go!

My God!
Christ on a bike.

I really didn't think
he'd stoop to this.

This is nuts!

Is this...

Ew.

Fine!

If he wants to trash my stuff...

...I'll bloody show him.

Is it true that penguins
mate once a year?

Yeah.

Lucky bastards.

I don't know
what you're laughing at.

When was the last time
you got lucky?

Actually, I'm very happy
being a penguin.

You're not a penguin, Holly.

You're a bloody penguin nun.
Yeah.

Shit!

This is all your fault.

Susan?

Hey, Flash. I guess you're not
coming back to work today, huh?

No.

It all sort of got out of hand.
You know, just...

Just trying to
get rid of the duck. So...

I'm just gonna see you tomorrow.

You'll see me tonight, mate.
It's quiz night.

Oh. Yeah.

Of course. Yep.

I'll see you then.

Oh, oh. Hey. Hey,
and bring the duck.

He can't be any worse
than the other two, right?

Sure.

Sure, make yourself at home.

What did that guy
with the duck want?

He found it, wanted to know
what to do with it.

He was quite cute.

Well, he could walk and talk.

Like I said, cute.

This pond still isn't
draining properly.

It needs rooting out, I think.

You should probably...
give it a good seeing-to.

Get... Just get in there
and give it a poking.

I know what you're doing,
and I'm... I'm not...

This isn't.... I'm not amused.

Really not amused.

Does it like beer?
No. No.

No!
Come on!

Focus, you lot.

It's time to get serious.
OK!

The category is
'All Creatures Great and Small'.

A group of bees is called... what?

A shoal. A shoal of bees.

No. Don't be stupid.
It's a hive.

Oh, no, no. A hive is where they live.
It's a, um...

It's a swarm. Isn't it, Doug?

Doug.

A swarm. A swarm of bees.

Bees. Yeah, yeah, a swarm.

If you guys are wrong,
you're shouting the next round.

Not gonna happen, dickjam.
Who you calling dickjam, numbnuts?

Want me to numb your nuts, eh?
Hey!

You don't see the Professors arguing!
Well, they don't have to.

They've got two PhDs, a bloody
astronomer and a sports journalist.

Unbeatable.

I am an animal from Greek mythology,

the harbinger of death.

I take the form of dogs,
dolphins and birds.

Psychopomp.
A cycle pump?

That's not a word.
I read it in a Stephen King book.

These birds pecked a dude to death.

Yeah, that makes sense,
'cause birds are evil bastards.

How does Susan feel about
having a flying rat in the house?

Doug!

Are you OK, mate?

Susan left me.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I'm just not...
I'm not up for this.

You're better without me.

And don't forget your dinner.

Cheers, man.

Look after yourself, eh?

I'll call you tomorrow.

'All Creatures Great and Small'.

The raptor family consists
of what type of bird?

Dr. Dre.
What?!

Dr. Dre the raptor.

"A psychopomp
is the guide of lost souls,

"a mediator between the conscious
and the unconscious realms,

"life and death.

"Their role is not to
judge the deceased

"but to provide a safe passage
to the next life."

Well, at least I know
you're not judging me.

What was she like? Your mate?

Maybe you shouldn't answer that.

I had a bath with Susan once.

We lit some candles,

opened a bottle of wine,
put on some music.

It was quite fancy.

Little bit cramped, though.

The tap kept sticking into my back.
She had to move.

Leaned a bit too close to the...
the candle.

Her hair caught fire.

Lucky we were in the bath.

Oh!

Steady on!

Hey, Donald. Look.

I've got to tell you, this is...
kind of a one-man deal.

Don't look so pleased with yourself.

This is not gonna be
a regular thing.

Great. Now I'm talking to a duck.

In a bath.

Whoa!

That is not a worm, OK?

Forget it! You're not coming in.

If you don't shut up,
I'll put you outside for the dog's dinner.

Arggh!

Yeah, let's go!
Come on, guys!

He's down like a clown!

This ain't fair.

You guys are, like, genetically
designed to be better at cricket.

"You guys"?

Alright.

What do you call
an Indian flying a plane?

You call him a pilot,
you pack of racists.

I can't believe I work with you people.
Ah, I'm not a racist.

Come on, guys.

Dude! You look terrible.

Oh, I didn't get any sleep
last night, did I?

Stupid duck kept trying
to get into my bedroom.

I should never
have had a bath with it.

A bath?

Yeah, well, he...

It doesn't matter, Look.

What are you...?
You're not working.

Well, you weren't here.

Oh, alright. Fair enough.

Hello?
Good news.

I've found someone to take your duck.
Great. Yeah, that is good news.

It's called Puddleduck Farm. Everything's taken care of.

You can pop in any time.
They're expecting you.

Where is it?
'Bye.

Hello?

So, Mr. Crappy.
There'll be lots of birds there.

Birds of a feather.

You can flock together.

Be able to do all your duck stuff.

Might even meet a nice lady duck.

You never know.

Best of all, you'll be able to poo
anywhere you like.

Yes.

I thought you'd like that.

Bit of music, eh?

Hello!

You must be Doug.

You can call me Aunty Jessamine.
Everyone does.

Hi.

We're very excited to have a new addition
to our happy little commune!

Aren't we, everyone?

That's good.
Oh, aren't they adorable?

They've all got their own hat!

And I've got a lovely one all picked out
for your little ducky.

Gareth, stop doing that to Darcy!
I've told you before, he doesn't like it!

Sometimes the boys can get a little...

...frisky with each other.

Oh.

Right.

Uh...

Oh... Bugger!

I must be mad.

Whoa! Watch out!

You moron duck!

Crazy. Whoa!

Nearly had us in the ditch.

Let's have this stupid hat off
for a start.

Come on.

You stay there.

That's your side, alright?

Now, just... Look,
put your seatbelt on, for a start.

Just stay... Don't look at me like that.

Right, every species
has to be belted in,

Holly?
Yep?

Look. Um...

Doug.
Doug. Um...

Your little friend is a wild animal.
We're not a bird sanctuary.

I know. I just want some advice.

My advice is let him go.
Let him fend for himself.

Well, what if he can't?

Happens all the time. It's called life.

Well...

He's staying with me.

So you're keeping him?

Yeah, I think I will.

Although there's just
a couple of issues.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

It keeps getting into the bed with me, which...
I know it's a bit weird, but...

I mean, he's a duck. So...

Have you tried closing the door?

I've done that, but he's very loud.
You can hear him on the other side.

I can't get much sleep.

OK. I can give you a few pointers.

But we'll probably have to see
the duck's environment.

My house?
Yes.

Don't we, Holly?

OK.

Um... OK, yeah.

I could give it... a quick look
and suggest some changes.

Changes?!

Look, do you want to get
a good night's sleep or not?

Yep.

OK.

Are you stealing that duck?

What? No.

What are you doing with it, then?
None of your business.

It is if you're stealing it.

Well, I'm not stealing it, alright?
It's my duck.

What's its name, then?

Excuse me?

Well, if it's your duck,
you must know its name.

Pierre.

Pierre? What kind of a name
is that for a pet? That's stupid.

You're stupid! Alright?
It's not a pet.

Then it's not yours.
Yes, it is!

Liar! You're a duck thief.

Everyone! He's stealing!
Shh!

I'm calling the police on you.
Not stealing.

Keep your noise down, alright?
I'm not a thief.

Don't call the cops.
You'll get into trouble.

Here!
Hey, give it back!

No! It's a toy anyway.
Is not!

Look, it's my duck,
and I'm taking him home. OK?

And you, mind your own beeswax.
Little brat!

Good day.

Maybe I am stuck.

Hello?
Hey, Craig. It's Doug.

I need your help with something.
Um...

Sure. What's up?

I'm gonna sell the house. Yeah.

It's time for me to move on.
Oh, good for you, Flash.

Thank you.

So I need a few pointers.
You know, how to sell it.

Where to invest.
You couldn't be in safer hands, mate.

Don't worry.
I'll take care of everything.

Cheers.

It's the least I could do, mate.
I'll be in touch.

Alright, man. See you.

Oh, crap!

You've got a call on line one.

Uh, tell them I'm busy.

It's the bank, Craig!

Then, uh...

I'm in Wellington.
Big deal in the offing.

Seriously!

I'm on the verge
of a major development deal.

Bankruptcy is what
you're on the bloody verge of, Craig.

Everyone who calls
is looking to get paid, and so am I.

Hey, come on.

Amanda.

There's more to this job
than money. Mmm?

If there's no money by tomorrow,
you're on your own.

Hey!

Now, he's just through here.

There he is.

Oh!

Hey. Got a couple of visitors.

Lovely house.
Yeah.

Oh!

Bit of a... bit of a Queen fan, I see.

Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah.

Get it from the old man.
He was quite the fanatic.

Was he?

Got all the albums.
Lovely.

Where are your parents now?

That's them there.

You're actually touching Dad.

It's alright.

He'd probably like it.

Oh, I didn't...
Uh... Well, he's, uh...

He's looking... He's looking good.

He's looking healthy.

Does he get out much?
Um, no.

I kind of keep him in this little area.
Right.

There's a stray dog. So...
Mm-hm.

I've got a little towel up there
with a view.

You'd be surprised how many times
he walks into that.

Right.

"It's a towel!"
But he can't understand me.

He'll probably need
somewhere to swim, though, so...

Yeah. I've got to get him
out of my bath. Yep, uh...

Sorry, your bath?
Mmm.

Thought you were...
trying to get him out of your bed.

Bed, not bath!

I don't share the bath with him.
That would be weird.

No.
I wouldn't have a bath with a duck.

What's wrong with the guy?
Yeah.

Oh. No. Just in the bed there. So...
Mmm.

Yeah.

Um...

Actually...

Are you OK?
Yeah. Just hang on a second.

OK.

Do you need, um...
Whoa!

That's not mine.
Sure.

So...

Paddling pool.
Oh. Oh, of course.

Had it since I was a kid.
Oh.

Hey, it's a good start.
Do you have a girlfriend?

Um...

No. Not really.

Sort of in between, I guess.

Yeah.

Pierre.

Look.
Pierre?

Yeah, it's... it's...

Oh, yeah, no. It's a good name.

It suits him, doesn't it? Yeah, it does.
Yeah. Yeah.

I think so.

Come on. You'll like it.

I know. Look.

If we're gonna make this work,
you have to trust me, OK?

Come on, have a go.

Yes. In the pool.

You can do it!

Come on, mate. Here we go.

Wow. Look at that, eh?

Just the basics there, OK?
Right.

Clean water, good diet.

The more he sees this as his home,
the more respect he'll give it, so...

So no more crapping on the floor?
Well, no.

He's a duck, so...
Yeah.

Well, thank you.
Thank you.

OK.
'Bye.

Cool. See ya.
Cheers. See ya.

Doug's quite nice, isn't he?

God, you're unbelievable!
What?!

Do you never, ever stop?

He's single.

And he's got his own home.

You're insatiable.
And he's got a nice bottom.

He's got a nice bottom, has he?

Rise and shine, Auckland. Life's calling.

Just gone 7:00.
You're listening to AKFM.

Come on, let's kick-start the day

with a track for all you
hopeless romantics out there.

Queen, 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love'.

Hey, try kicking it!
Try not flooding it.

Bloody piece of junk.

Why doesn't Ray scrap the thing
and get a new one?

Oh, you're joking, right?
He's tighter than a fish's bum!

The bugger bit me!

Ah!

Never start it in gear!
That clutch is dodgy.

So Doug's keeping the duck?

Um... am I the only one
that thinks that this is a bit, um...

Well, you know, um...

...unnatural?

Unnatural?

Well, his girlfriend leaves him
and he replaces her... with a duck.

What is it with you and birds?
OK.

What about all the derogatory words
we use to talk about birds? Hmm?

What?

'Bird-brained', huh?
'Feather-brained'. 'Flighty'.

We call people 'chickens' and um...

Turkeys!
Yeah, and 'cocks', man.

We call someone 'an egg'.
Or an egg burger!

Come on.
See! They're foul.

Now, I'm going to work
and you're staying here, OK?

You understand?

You stay.

No. You're not coming, OK?

You're staying.
You're remaining behind.

Stay.

Good,

Stay!

Stay.

Look... Stay!

Sure this is the right address?

This is it. Blocked drain, it says.

Alright.

Doug! Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Um... is there a problem with Pierre?

No, no, he's fine.
OK.

I've actually got a work order
to fix a drain here,

Oh. So you're from...
Yep.

City maintenance, subcontractors.

Great.

Me and the crew.

Lovely. OK, well I'll just pop this
in the office and I'll show you the way.

You know what they say-
when you fall off a horse

the best thing to do is get
right back on again, eh?

I was just talking to her about Pierre.
Uh-huh.

There's no...
Uh-huh.

Cuh-utel She could
clean my cage any time.

And you could empty the truck any time.

Like now, Brent.

It's this way.

Hi, Doug.
Hi.

Are those your mates?

Yeah. That's my work gang.

Cool.

Might just go and
supervise them for a bit.

Supervise them?

Yeah. She's a bit man-happy.

Doug's gonna come in, and um...

...Gurneesh is just cleaning up,
Yeah.

I kind of run the guys.

Yep. Cool.

You know, it might be
the first thing Brent's got right.

She is kinda cute.

Forget it.

I don't think she's got any interest in me.

Ow! What was that for?

Oi. Where you going?

Hey. Where do you think you're going?

Shhh.
Alright, Doug?

Hi.
Hi.

Just walking Pierre.

Great.

He seems to like your area.
Does he?

So...

Drain's almost done.

Oh, good. Great.

It's finished, you'll be...
all fully drained and...

Lovely.

Can I, uh...
help you with anything else?

Yeah, I wanted to say thank you
for helping with Pierre.

Oh, no. Not a problem.

It's what I do.

I wanted to show my thanks and...

...maybe...

...take you out for... for dinner?

Oh... uh...

Or we could just,
uh, get a coffee or...

Well, yeah. That's, um...

That's really sweet of you.

Go for a walk...

Busy! That's alright. That's cool.

Hi, Doug.
Hi.

Holly... I am not gonna be able
to come over for dinner tonight.

I'm sorry. I had to
take the late cleaning shift.

OK.

Um, why doesn't Doug go

instead of me?

Sorry, what?
What?

Yeah. You guys both look like
you could use the company.

Well, um...

Happy little penguin, are we?

Actually, it'd be really nice.

If you're still up for it.

Yeah. Sure.
Yeah, great.

Good. Worked out well.

Lovely. Well...
See you, then.

See you then... then.
Lovely.

OK.
'Bye.

'Bye.
See you, Doug.

Get you next time!

Susan?

Craig!

Hey.
Oh. Long time no see.

Yeah, yeah. It has been a while.

Zara, um, this is Craig.
Zara, hello,

Yeah, I caught up with Doug.

I'm so sorry to hear about you guys.

Yeah, well, it's been
on the cards for a while now.

Well, if you ask me, he was a fool
to let you slip through his fingers.

I'm off.

He's cute.

I heard that. Thank you.

Sorry.

Mind if I join you?
Ah, please. Help yourself.

Well...

Cheers.

Well, this is it.

Let's go.

OK. Now, no crapping
on the carpet, alright?

Mum! It's the loser duck guy.

Hi, Doug.
Hi.

I see you've already met my son, Taylor.

Your son.

He lost my communicator.

Uh...
You did?

Well... it was a misunderstanding.
He's mean.

Well, no. I'm sure
he didn't do it on purpose.

Course not.
No, I'm gonna get you a new one.

Whatever!

Come in. Come in.

Oh, hello.

That's Artie.
He's Taylor's friend.

Oh, OK,
Practically lives here.

He's a bit different, but he's a good kid.

Shall I put that in the fridge?
Yes. Please.

It's chardonnay.
Ooh!

Favorite.

So, what are you building?
Is it a rock?

It's not a rock, it's actually an asteroid.

It's NT7.

NT7.

You wouldn't understand.
I wouldn't?

It's an asteroid that's gonna
destroy the Earth in 2019.

It'll be the end of the world.

Really? Wow!

There's nothing we can do to stop it.

OK, then.

You're joking.

Ugh!

You're an idiot!

Hello, Brenda.

Hello, Brent.

You look like you could do with a drink.

Care to join me?

OK.

You can pet him. He won't bite.

Just, yeah, feel how soft
he is under there, look.

He's like a duck. It is a duck, isn't it?

OK, you lot.

Dinner's ready.

There you go.

I've got a joke.

Oh?
Oh, yeah?

What do you call a guy
with a spade in his head?

Dunno.

Doug!

Very good.

Haven't actually heard that one before.

Really?
No.

Taylor... before it gets cold.

Mmm. That was great. Thank you.

Taylor...

Really into your
space stuff, aren't ya?

He gets it from me, I'm afraid.

I love space.

And movies about landing
on the moon and stuff.

Really?

I think there's something
kind of sexy about space.

When I was a kid I...

...had this romantic dream that

one day a spaceman
would come down in his rocket

and whisk me off to the moon.

The moon!
Yeah.

So what about the, uh, lack of gravity and no air?
That didn't put you off?

No. I don't know.

Having lived in Lewisham...

...same place all my life, I just wanted
to get as far away from there as I could.

You know, there were
no flights to the moon

and I heard that New Zealand
was the next best thing.

So... here I am.

Suppose it's nearly as far.
No!

Yes.

So do you ever think about
going back to the UK or...

Not really. Kinda settled here.

Taylor's a Kiwi, like his Dad is...

...was...

Oh, I've never left New Zealand.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Wow. You must be the first
Kiwi I've met who hasn't travelled.

I'm just... not a fan of flying.

Sure.

But... Doug, he was just so content
for things to stay the same and...

...after a while that just gets a bit...

Boring!

Yes!

Well, here's to you, then.
Mmm, Me.

Ah, no, no. You've got to
make eye contact. Come on.

Otherwise it's seven years bad sex.

Well, we can't have
that now, can we?

Taylor seems a bit down about this whole
end-of-the-world asteroid thing.

Yeah, well.

He lost his dad when
he was six and, um...

...the counselor said that...

...the NT7 obsession was
his way of dealing with...

...his grief, really.

You know, if his dad can die,
then why can't the rest of us?

I'm sorry.
It's OK.

We'd separated a couple of years before

and I think he'd decided that, you know,
'happy families' wasn't really his thing.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

You didn't come here to
listen to my tragic sob stories.

It's not tragic.

Little bit.

Besides, I know what you mean.

Breaking up sucks.

Oh, yeah?

Susan left me 'cause my, uh...
my life was too small.

Yeah, she said I was stuck,
needed to change.

And do you?

Well, I thought my life was fine.

I've got a good job. Great mates.

Hmm.

I loved her, thought she was the one.

But I guess there was something
that just wasn't working and I didn't see it.

Well, it's her loss.

You think?
Yeah.

Thank you.

I should get this duck home.

It's a bit late.
Yeah.

I should clear this mess up anyway.

Hey!

You're quite fond of him, aren't you?
Yeah, he is sort of growing on me.

I think it's nice to have
someone who relies on you.

At least Taylor doesn't crap on the floor.

No. Not anymore.

Mum, Artie's had a bad dream.

Can you come and sit with us?

Taylor...

It's alright. I'd better go anyway.

Thanks for dinner.
OK.

Mr. Gordon...
Yes, Taylor?

I already had a Dad.
I don't want another one.

Taylor...

It's OK.
No, it's not.

It's alright.

Taylor...

I'm so sorry. I...

Holly, it's fine. I'll, uh... see ya.

OK.

Morning, sunshine.

Morning.

Do you wanna grab
some breakfast somewhere?

Ah, no can do. Busy morning,
deals to close, you know.

Right.

So shall we, uh, just catch up later then?

Why?

Oh... this was just
a bit of fun... wasn't it?

Oh! Yeah. Of course!

I mean, it was great fun.

So, have a shower,
grab what you want from the kitchen

and let yourself out, eh?

Oh, you'll be pleased to know...

Doug's actually moving on.

He's even talking about selling
his old house. Isn't life a hoot?

Welcome to
the wonderful world of singledom.

Is that kerosene?

Drastic measures are required.

Tight-arse Ray won't buy
a new mower till this one's had it.

Now, I've put sugar in the gas tank.
It's had no oil in it for months.

The beast won't die.

You're in a good mood!

Nobody likes a whistler, Doug.

How can you say that?

Whistling is a pure expression
of personal happiness.

Somebody's getting some!

Whoo-hoo!
Bomp-chicka-wow-wow, Dougie!

Leave it out! No-one's getting anything.

So, when are you seeing her again?

It's funny you should ask that, actually.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Why?

Hey, mister. What's up?

Sweetheart?

You're seeing him again, aren't you?

It's the duck man, isn't it?

His name's Doug,
and it's just a drink, OK?

Well, I don't like him
and I don't want you to go.

Hey, Taylor. That's not fair.

Is it fair that I don't have my dad?

Taylor...

Taylor...

Taylor. Come on, let me in.

Taylor... sweetheart...

Taylor, this isn't easy
for me either, you know?

You know, when your dad left,

the one thing that gave me comfort
above everything else...

...was you.

You have always been
and you always will be

the most important person in my life.

Doug's a good guy, yeah?

Why don't you give him a chance, eh?

For me.

I love you so much.

OK, Jenny's here, darling.

I'm gonna go. I'll see you later, OK?

5,200 runs, with an average of 33.34,

and took 383 wickets with an average...

Ian Botham. It's Ian Botham!

Yeah. You sure?
Yeah, man.

More than I know.

This has been a sanctuary, Flashy.

A closed club, a boys' club...

Yeah, um... No.

Well, I thought we had
an unspoken rule.

I, um, asked Brenda along,
as I heard you were seeing each other.

Brenda.
Hi.

What type of transport
did Steve McQueen use

in the film 'The Great Escape'?

What type of transport
did Steve McQueen use

in the film 'The Great Escape'?

OK, listen up, everyone!

First question -what is the London Orbital motorway
better known as?

M25. It's M25.
Yes.

Complete the following TV series title.

'Police Camera... '

Is it 'Action'?
Yes.

In which month
is Hogmanay celebrated?

December.
No, I know. It's December.

It's December. Yes.

Now... Ooh, it's another one
for the Professors.

What type of music would you
associate with Maria Callas?

Whoa, ladies and gentlemen.
Pretty exciting here.

Men at Work and the Professors
neck and neck on 56

as we come into the last round.

So for the last question of
the Science and Nature round,

and therefore
the last question of the night...

What is the world's fastest bird?

What is
the world's fastest bird?

You write it down.

And the winner is...

Men at Work win!

I call this trick
the balanced pillars of justice. Ah!

Alright. Yeah, now what?

That's a good question!

Now what?
Oh, bugger.

Want to help me out?

Come on, please help me out.

Come on. Come on.

See you later. We're gonna
go have a girlie chat over here.

Oh, OK.

She's great.

Yeah, she's not bad.

Guys...

Come on, guys, help me out.

Look, it's spilling.
No.

I can't help you.

Oh, no.

I can't!
Yeah, you can.

Come on. It's Queen!
Oh, really? I'm not a dancer.

Trust me.

Guys... Guys. Oh come on, seriously.

Come on!

So, why are we here again?

Oh, it's an old haunt of mine...

This place is dead.

Oi, Pierre.

Shhh. Wait here, alright.
The kid's asleep.

Shhh.

What was that? It wasn't me.
I know.

Oh, you've got two doors.
Yes.

Doug. Doug.

What?

Asteroid.

He's got the asteroid.

Yes!

Shhhh.

There's a lot of space stuff in there.

Oh, yeah!

And cricket. He likes cricket.

Yeah.

It was good tonight.
Yeah, Great.

You kicked arse in that quiz.

I did, didn't I? Yeah.

Thanks for seeing me home.

It's OK.

Goodnight, Mr. Gordon.

Oh. Of course.

I don't live here.

No, I live here.

I'd love to stay, but I've gotta go.
Shhh.

Because I've... I've got another house.

Shhh!

That way.

See ya. 'Bye.

I've got your bag!

My bag's here.

OK.

Here we go, Pierre.

Sorry about that, buddy. Just...

Oh?

Shit.

Yeah, yeah. Hold... hold your horses.

Hey.

That view's overrated anyway.

Yeah.

So here's the guest quarters.

Wow.

It's my old room.
So don't touch anything.

It's perfect.

Don't touch the aircraft.

So, now there's someone
you should meet.

OK, this I wouldn't have expected.

You know, you didn't
think about getting a cat?

A dog?

No, too mainstream.

His name's Pierre.

Hello, Pierre.

Pierre, this is Craig.

He's gonna be
staying with us for a while.

Not too long, hopefully.

Here you go.
Thank you.

So...

So what?

I knew it! You fancy him!

Well, no, actually.
'Fancy' is a strong word...

But, yeah, he's nice.

One small problem, though.

Oh, let me guess...

Taylor doesn't like him?

Hmm.

It's a big surprise. He doesn't like
any guy who shows an interest in you.

I mean, seriously, Holly, it's time
you put yourself first, you know?

If Doug turns out to be a solid guy,
then Taylor will work it out.

Yeah.

Douglas!

Susan!

How are you?

Yeah, good.

Getting there.

You look great.
Is that a new shirt?

Not really.

Oh...

Well, there's definitely
something different about you.

Well, I'm living with a duck now.

Oh, I do miss
that quirky sense of humor.

In fact, I've been quite surprised
how much I've missed you, Doug.

I'd love a chance to talk about this.

Maybe over a drink or a bite to eat
or something...

Unless, of course,
you're seeing someone else.

Actually...

I- I am...

I am kind of seeing... seeing someone.

Oh...

Oh, doesn't mean
we can't still be friends.

Friends?
Yeah.

Of course. I mean,
that would be... nice.

I better be going.

Give me a call sometime.

Yeah, sure.

Oh. Thank you.

Take care!

See ya.

Ugh.

"Take care."

What a dick.

Come on, Doug. How long
have we gotta wait for this kid?

I wanna get a good park.
Here he is,

You love cricket, remember?

Hi, Taylor.
Say hi.

Hi.
Hope you're hungry.

We've got heaps of snacks.

Hello.
Hello.

You must be the gorgeous Holly
Flash won't shut up about.

Oh.

Holly, this is my friend, Craig,
He's staying with me for a while.

Hi, Craig.
Hello.

So, look, don't worry at all, OK?

We're gonna get him
straight home after the game.

We're all very responsible. And...

Oh, nice one, Doug.

Relax, Doug. I trust you.

It's very lovely of you
to arrange all this. So thanks.

Alright, come on, let's go.

Perhaps I should come with you, eh?
Oh... no girls.

Oh.
Yeah, Mum, no girls.

Fair enough.

You're bringing the duck?

Are you kidding?
Of course he's bringing Pierre.

Come on, let's go.

Alright.
OK.

See you soon.
Yeah.

You boys take good care of him.
Let's party!

Whoo-hoo!

Come on! What do you call that?!

See? Up that way.

So... Holly?

The bird expert?

The extremely cute bird expert.

She's just helping him with Pierre.

Yes.
Is that all?

That all she's helping you with?

Yes, that's all.

Camera 3, just give me
a sweep of the crowd. Good.

Uh, Brian, stop.

Go back.

There.

Tell me you can see that.

So, you like cricket, then, kid?

It's OK.

Just OK?

So, um... well, what do you like?

Space.

Space? Cool.

Do you know about NT7?

NT7? Um...

That's a lubricant, eh?

Like WD-40.

No, it's an asteroid.
Oh, OK.

NT7 circles the sun every 837 days,
and travels in a tilted orbit

from the distance of Mars
to just within the Earth's orbit.

On the 1st of February, 2019, it will hit Earth,
causing a global climatic disaster

that will threaten the future
of civilization as we know it.

Wow.

OK, that's, um...

...pretty heavy sh... stuff there, fella.

Howzat!

Boys! Heh-heh. Good game, eh?

Yeah.

Oh, man, that kid Taylor's pretty full-on.

Whoo.

He's got some issues there, I reckon.

Although he's wrong about NT7.

It's gonna miss us by a country mile.

What do you mean?

Oh, I read a while back
on 'Sky and Telescope',

apparently, its course has
changed somewhat.

Still, don't wanna spoil
a kid's fantasy, eh?

Great delivery, and what a
HUGE breakthrough.

Brian, cue.

Yes, he never looked settled
at the crease

and now he's thrown his wicket away
without scoring.

Oh, what the hell's that?

I believe it's called a 'duck', Allan.

Oh, who'd bring a duck
to a cricket match? Can't be a real duck.

Actually, I think It's what
they call a 'shelduck', Allan.

Oh, it's a shelduck, Is it?
Yeah, it Is.

But they're more commonly known
as 'parries' over here.

He had a really good time.
That's OK.

He's a good kid.

He is. He is. He's good.

That's good.
Yeah.

All good.

Thanks. 'Bye.

Mum, what are you doing?

Uh...

Just... you know, just saying
goodnight to... to Doug.

So, goodnight.

And I was just saying...
goodnight and...

Goodnight, Taylor.

Oh, I almost forgot.

What are you guys doing tomorrow?
Nothing planned.

Great. I wanna show Taylor something.

OK. Sounds very mysterious.

It's a little bit... not too mysterious.
OK.

So, can I pick you up at 10:00?

Lovely.
Alright? Cool.

Doug?

Mum, haven't you said
goodbye enough?!

'Bye.

Yep, I'm coming. Should be in bed.

Hi, you're with Doug.

Doug. It's Susan.

Oh...

Uh... this is kind of hard for me.

But, um... but after seeing you today,

I haven't been able
to stop thinking about you.

Uh-huh.

I was confused when I left you, Doug.

But, um... but now that I've had time
to clear my head, things are different.

And, um...

Well, I know that you've started
seeing someone else,

but we had two years together, Doug,
and that means something.

I don't think that I could forgive myself
if we just threw it all away

without, well, at least talking about it.

Doug?
Yeah.

Suppose it can't hurt.

Great. Are you free Monday night?

Monday's good, yep.

OK. I'll see you then.

NT7, while initially thought
to be a high-level threat,

has long since been downgraded.

You see, the science
of observing the universe

is the art of looking
not just once or twice,

but many, many times.

By watching the orbit
and trajectory of NT7,

the astronomers have observed
that it will miss Earth

by several tens of millions of kilometers.

So, we're not all gonna die?

I guess not.

Not from being hit by NT7
we're not, anyway.

But I was sure...

Ah, that's the thing about
the universe, my young friend.

What is true today
is not necessarily true tomorrow.

The universe must change.

That's its nature.

Tag!

Tag! Tag!

Tag! I got you.

Tag!

Thank you.

That meant so much to Taylor.

It's good
to see him looking so happy.

That's OK.

You're a good man, Doug Gordon.

Um...

Holly...

Doug!

Pierre's gone!

What?
When did you last see him, love?

Only a few minutes ago.
He was right there.

I saw this dog.

Alright.
It's OK.

Pierre!

What if the dog ate him?

Of course the dog didn't eat him.

Pierre!

Pierre!

Have you seen a duck?

Pierre!

Pierre!
Pierre!

Pierre!

Pierre!

Pierre!

Any sign?

He's probably fine.

Maybe he just... took off, Doug.

Well, he can't fly, Brent.

This is where he belongs, Doug.

I mean, you know, we may just
have to face the fact that he's gone.

No, I'm not.

I'm sorry.
Listen, Doug...

Ugh.

Mate, in you get.
Come on.

Pierre!

I'm sorry if I upset you.

Pierre!

Doug, something probably scared him.

Maybe that dog you saw.

Doug, he's probably in hiding, you know.
Yeah.

He may not come out
for hours, days even.

Well, look, do you expect me
just to leave him?

No.
I can't.

No, I know. I know. Doug, I don't.

I know you're not the type
who just bails on his mates.

We'll find Pierre, OK?

Look, we're all so fond of him.
I mean, especially me.

He brought us together, didn't he?

Eh?

I'm having dinner with Susan.

Oh.
I think she wants to get back together.

Oh... Oh.

Oh.

OK.

OK.

I... I tried to tell you.

Yeah.

Well, you have now.

So your conscience is clear, isn't it?

Shit!

How much longer
is he gonna be out there?

Can't just leave him here.

Here he comes.

Well, there's no sign of him.

Poor Doug.

Oh, come on, snap out of it!

You got what you wanted.

Now you've got a chance
to make it up with Susan.

Don't let a stupid duck get you down.

Of course.

Pierre!

Pierre!

Pierre!

It's you.

It's you. You OK, little buddy?

Is he gonna be OK?
Yes.

I may have to reassess
my original diagnosis.

This bird is very capable of flying again.

Really?
Mm.

Far as I can tell, there's only one thing
standing in his way, and that's you.

Me?
He's bonded with you.

And you don't fly,
so he doesn't need to fly.

So, what are you saying?

In order for Pierre to fly, I have to fly?

Ready for take-off, First Officer?

So, Doug...

...you go up in the balloon...

...Pierre sees you fly,
Pierre is inspired to fly.

Yeah, I... I should've said this earlier.

But...
Mm?

I don't fly.
Good.

I thought I was gonna be OK, but now
that I'm here, it's just... it's got worse.

We'll have to teach you both to fly, then.
I can't. I can't fly.

You OK, buddy?

I know.

You sure about this?
Needs to get back his desire to fly.

Trust me, I'm a vet.

Oh. See, he's remembering.

He's remembering.

It's working!

That's good, Pierre.

This isn't right, Doug.

OK, that's enough!

What?!

You can stop now!
We could go higher?

No, bring him back!

Haven't seen him flap like that in ages.

I think it's cruel, actually-
you've given him a taste of something

that he's never gonna be able to have.

Honey, chillax.
No, I'm not gonna 'chillax'.

You've shown him something
and then you've just taken it away.

You can't give up, Doug.

Not if you want him to fly.

No. I'm sorry.

Been through enough.

Hey.

Going out, mate?

Yeah. Having dinner with Susan.

Look, Pierre's still a bit scratchy,
so I'm just gonna take him with me.

See ya, mate.

Mum?

Mm?

Is Doug still your friend?

Um...

I'm not sure.

Is it because of me?

No, of course not.

I'm always gonna be friends with Artie.

I know you will, sweetheart.

I miss Dad.

I know.

But I sort of like Doug too.

Is that OK?

Yeah.

Goodnight, darling.

Sleep well, yeah?

Goodnight, love.

Goodnight.

Why does it feel like
I'm cheating on someone?

Holly's great, but I love Susan, right?

Pierre, I'm talking to you.

I need your opinion.
I'm gonna have dinner.

It's with Susan.

Well, wish me luck.

Thank you.

Hi.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Parking here's like...
Whoa, you look great.

So do you, Doug.

OK.

Well...

...here's to the new you.

Alright.
But I love you.

...the finance
company was today jailed for fraud

after it was discovered...

How could you do this to me?! No...

Hi, this is Doug talking to you.
Leave a message...

Oh, man!

I always knew you had it in you, Doug.

Just needed a little nudge
in the right direction.

Yeah. Suppose so.

Once the house is sold,
we can look for an apartment.

Maybe on the waterfront.
The waterfront?

And once we've furnished
and decorated,

you could get rid of that awful ute,
maybe get a beemer.

I don't think
I'll be driving a beemer.

Oh, come on, Doug.

Sweetheart...

...you do want this change, don't you?

Well, yeah, but, I mean,
I have changed... a little bit.

Oh, I hope you don't mind,
but I ordered an entree for you.

Oh.

Mmm.

Enjoy your duck.

Wow.
Oh.

This smells divine.

Mmm.

It tastes even better.

Susan, I'm sorry.
I can't do this.

What? Why?

We just want different things.

You want the best,
and you should have that.

But, you know, my life's fine,
I'm happy with it.

I just like my life the way it is.
I'm looking for Doug Gordon!

And thanks to someone,
I think I know that now.

Doug! Stop, stop, stop, OK?

You can't do this. It's all wrong.

OK? I, um...
Craig, what are you doing here?

You're making a big, big mistake.

It's fine, honestly.
No, no, no, I slept with her!

OK! Whoo!

Who heard that?

Did anyone not hear? Just carry on.

Man, that's...

...certainly newsworthy.

But I've already made
my mind up, alright?

The person I wanna be with...

Pierre!

Who the hell is Pierre?

I've gotta go.

Can you take care of the bill?
Yeah, yeah.

Douglas!

DOUG!

Hey!

Hey!

Um... I'm a little bit short right now.

Pierre! Come back!

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Pierre!

I've got you, buddy.

Arggh!

Pierre!

I've got you!

Who is it?

Doug.

Isn't Doug coming in?

No. Can you go back in...
in your room, please?

Goodbye, Doug.

No, I need to talk to you.
We're past talking.

Please.

Look, I made a mistake.

You certainly did.

No, you don't understand.
What?!

What don't I understand, huh?

I can take the hits, yeah.

But Taylor can't, OK?

Well, I just... I just wanna
make it right, please.

NO!

I thought you were decent.

But you're just... some bloke who's
too scared to fly with a duck that can't.

Mum?

Yeah, love?
Are you OK?

A bloody mess, eh, Pierre?

Makes you wonder what it's all about.

It's like Freddie Mercury says.

To be without love is like
being locked in a prison cell.

Guess that makes us cell mates.

Good morning, Auckland!

Looks like another beautiful day
In the big city today.

We call It an everyday day here,
don't we?

The forecast mainly fine.
Cloudy some areas.

A little bit of late rain expected.
Tonight Southern Motorway...

Ugh!

Start or die - make a decision!
You want this?

Hitting it with a hammer?

Fine, you come start it. Over this!
No.

Sick of being on lawnmower detail.
I showed you...

Come on, mate. Cheer up.

I know.

Just feel sick about
how I treated Holly, man.

She's really hurt.

Shouldn't have mucked her around, eh?

So Doug Gordon's not perfect.

Big deal.

Look...

...give her some time.

Try talking to her. You never know.
She might just come round, man.

Oh, she's made it quite clear
that ship has sailed.

I thought I told you dipsticks.
Never start it in gear!

Shit! Look out, Pierre!

Whoa, Pierre!

Go! Go, Pierre!

Fly, Pierre! Fly!

Fly! Fly!

Where is he? There!

Look at him go!

Whoo! Whoo!

That's high enough!

Hey!

Pierre!

Pierre.

What about internet dating?
Would you do that?

Would you try something like that?
No.

Well, there's that speed dating thing.
Sounds awful.

Actually, there's this guy,
and he's a friend of my cousin's.

And when they came...
Brenda?

I can't talk about it here.

Sorry. OK?

Hey, kids, who wants a... Ooh.

Who wants a juice? Do you?
Yeah? I do.

Do you? Very good. There you are.

Wow. Lots of tigers.

Why is there a moon man at the zoo?

Oh, you've got
a very beautiful imagination, Artie.

No, Mum. Look!

Seemingly, there Is no reason

for these extraordinary
Intergalactical upsets.

What's happening, Flash?

Only Doctor Hans Zarkov, formerly
at NASA, has provided any explanation.

I wanna take you to the moon.

We can't hear you, moon man!

I wanna take you to the moon.

He wants to go to Mumbai.
No, the moon.

Go home, Doug.

This isn't the place, OK?

I wanna take you to the moon.

He wants to go soon!

The moon!

This June.

I don't wanna go to Mumbai.

I don't wanna go
anywhere with you, OK?

I wanna take you to the moon!

You can't take me to the moon, Doug.

Why not? He's got the suit.

Yeah, hear him out.
He's gone to all this effort.

You can't turn down
a trip to the moon.

Yes, she can. He dumped her and then
hooked up with his skanky ex-girlfriend.

OK, I'm a spineless jerk.

And you were right.

I'm just a man with a duck.

But Pierre's gone. Alright?

He flew.

If he can fly...

I'm falling in love with you, Holly.

Aw...

It's so romantic.

Oh, give him another go.

My husband would never
get dressed up for me.

I'm lucky if Bruce puts on trousers.

You think you can just turn up here...

...say you love me
and everything will be OK?

Holly, I...

That was for embarrassing me.

Oh...

And that's for embarrassing me.

Sorry.

I can't really take you to the moon.
It's OK.

But I can get you close.

Look.

But you don't even like flying.

Well, depends on my copilot.

You're a bit of a dick, do you know that?

Yeah. Little bit.