Love Actually (2003) - full transcript

Whenever I get gloomy
with the state of the world,

I think about the arrivals
gate at Heathrow airport.

General opinion
started to make out

that we live in a world
of hatred and greed,

but I don't see that.

Seems to me that
love is everywhere.

Often it's not particularly
dignified or newsworthy,

but it's always there.

Fathers and sons,
mothers and daughters,

husbands and wives,

boyfriends, girlfriends,
old friends.



When the planes hit
the Twin Towers,

as far as I know, none of the phone
calls from the people on board

were messages of
hate or revenge.

They were all messages of love.

If you look for it, I've
got a sneaky feeling

you'll find that love
actually is all around.

I feel it in my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Love is all around
me And so the...

I'm afraid you did
it again, Bill.

It's just, I know the old
version so well, you know.

Well, we all do.

That's why we're making
the new version.



Right, okay, let's go.

I feel it in my fingers

In my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Love is all...

Fuck, wank, bugger,
shitting ass head and hole.

Start again.

I feel it in my fingers

In my fingers

I feel it in my toes

Feel it in my toes, yeah

Christmas is all around me

All around me

And so the feeling grows

So the feeling grows

It's written in the wind

Ln the wind

It's everywhere I go

Everywhere I go

So if you really love Christmas

Love Christmas

Come on and let it snow

Come on and let it...

This is shit, isn't it?

Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.

God, I'm so late.

It's just round the corner.
You'll make it.

You sure you don't mind
me going without you?

No, really. I'm just
feeling so rotten.

I love you.

I know.

I love you even when you're
sick and look disgusting.

I know. Now, go or you
will actually miss it.

Right.

Did I mention that I love you?

Yes, you did. Get out, loser.

Karen, it's me again.

I'm sorry, I literally
don't have anyone else to talk to.

Absolutely. Horrible moment right
now, though. Can I call you back?

Of course.

Doesn't mean I'm not terribly
concerned that your wife just died.

Understood.

Bugger off, call me later.

So what's this big news then?

We've been given our parts
in the nativity play...

And I'm the lobster.

The lobster? Yeah.

In the nativity play?

Yeah. First lobster.

There was more than one lobster
present at the birth of Jesus?

Duh.

Best sandwiches in Britain.

Try my lovely nuts?

Beautiful muffin for
a beautiful lady.

Morning, my future wife.

Okay, you can stop there.
Thanks.

I'm gonna need a couple of
orange gels, please, mate.

And by the way, he
introduced me as John,

but actually everyone
calls me Jack.

Fine. Nice to meet you, Jack.

He got me right, though.
I'm just Judy.

Great, Just Judy!

No surprises? No surprises.

Not like the stag night?

Unlike the stag night.

Do you admit the Brazilian
prostitutes were a mistake?

I do.

And it would've been much better if
they'd not turned out to be men?

That is true.

Good luck, kiddo.

Prime Minister!

Thank you.

Welcome, Prime Minister.

I must work on my wave.

How are you?

How are you feeling?

Cool. Powerful.

Would you like to meet
your household staff?

Yes, I would like that
very much indeed.

Anything to put off actually
running the country.

This is Terence. He's in charge.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

I had an uncle
called Terence once.

Hated him. I think
he was a pervert.

But I very much like
the look of you.

This is Pat. Hello, Pat.

Good morning, sir.
I'm the housekeeper.

Right. It should be a lot easier
with me than with the last lot.

No nappies, no teenagers,
no scary wife.

And this is Natalie.
She's new, like you.

Hello, Natalie. Hello, David.

I mean, sir.

Shit, I can't believe
I've just said that.

And now I've gone and said "shit." Twice.
I'm so sorry, sir.

It's fine, it's fine. You
could've said "fuck"

and then we'd have been in real trouble.
Thank you, sir.

I did have an awful premonition I
was gonna fuck up on my first day.

Oh, piss it!

Right, I'll go get my things and then
let's fix the country, shall we?

Yeah, I can't see why not.

It's all right. Did
you see what I did?

Yes, I did. I just went...

Hello, there.

I'm right over here.

Yeah, I'm in here. Okay.
Good. Thank you.

Oh, no. That is so inconvenient.

In the presence of God, Peter and
Juliet have given their consent

and made their marriage
vows to each other.

They've declared their marriage by
the giving and receiving of rings.

I therefore proclaim that
they are husband and wife.

And you resisted the
temptation for surprises.

Yeah, I'm mature now.

Love, love, love

Love, love, love

Did you do this?

No.

Love, love, love, love

There's nothing you can
do that can't be done

Lt...

There's nothing you can
sing that can't be sung

There's nothing you can say but you
can learn how to play the game

It's easy

All you need is love

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need...

Look, it's Pikey.

Hello! What the hell
are you doing here?

I just popped over to
borrow some old CDs.

The lady of the house
let you in, did she?

Yeah.

Lovely, obliging girl.

Yeah.

All right, I just
thought I'd pop back

before the reception and
see if she's better.

This is good. Listen,
I've been thinking.

I think perhaps we ought to take

Mum out for her birthday on Friday.
What do you think?

I just feel we've been
bad sons this year.

Okay, sounds fine. A
bit boring but fine.

Hurry up, big boy!

I'm naked, and I want you at least
twice before Jamie gets home.

I am so happy to see you!

A delicious delicacy?

No, thanks.

Taste explosion?

Food? No, thanks.

Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it?
Looks like a dead baby's finger.

Tastes like it, too.

I'm Colin, by the way.

I'm Nancy. Wicked.

What do you do, Nancy?
I'm a cook.

Ever do weddings? Yes, I do.

They should've asked
you to do this one.

They did.

God, I wish you hadn't
have turned it down.

I didn't.

Right.

I've just worked out why I
can never find true love.

Why is that?

English girls. They're
stuck up, you see.

And I am primarily
attractive to girls

who are, you know, cooler,
game for a laugh.

Like American girls. So I
should just go to America.

I would get a girlfriend
there instantly.

What do you think?

I think it's crap, Colin.

That's where you're wrong.

American girls would seriously dig
me with my cute British accent.

You don't have a
cute British accent.

Yes, I do! I'm going to America.

Colin, you're a lonely, ugly
asshole, and you must accept it.

Never. I am Colin, God of Sex.

I'm just on the wrong
continent, that's all.

Bit of quiet while we
finish the lighting, guys!

I thought I was never
gonna make it here today.

The traffic was just...
Unbelievable.

Judy, could you take
the top off this time?

Lighting and camera need to
know when we're actually gonna

see the nipples and
when we're not.

Yes, okay. Right. At least
it's nice and warm in here.

Yeah. It's not always
the case, is it?

I was standing in for Brad Pitt
once on Seven Years in Tibet...

Yes, yeah. Bloody freezing.

Sorry, guys, time's pretty tight
and we have to get the actors in.

Fine. I promise I won't look.

Right, let's have another
look at that one, please.

And Jerry says if you can just
put your hands on her breasts.

All right, okay, yeah.
Is that all right?

Yes. Yeah, fine.

I'll warm them up.

And massage them, please.

Right.

It's junction 13 that's
just murder, isn't it?

Total gridlock this morning.

Jo and I had a lot of time
to prepare for this moment.

Some of her requests,
for instance,

that I should bring Claudia
Schiffer as my date to the funeral,

I was confident she
expected me to ignore.

But others she was
pretty damn clear about.

When she first mentioned
what's about to happen,

I said, "Over my dead body."

And she said, "No,
Daniel, over mine."

And as usual, my darling girl

and Sam's darling mom was right.

So she's going to say her final
farewell to you not through me but,

inevitably, ever so coolly,

through the immortal genius
of the Bay City Rollers.

Do you love him?

What?

No, I just thought I'd ask the blunt
question in case it was the right one

and you needed someone
to talk to about it

and no one had ever asked you,

so you've never been able to talk about
it though you might've wanted to.

No. No. No is the answer.
No. Absolutely not.

So that's a no, then?

Yes.

This DJ, what do you reckon?

The worst in history? Probably.

I think it all hangs
on the next song.

Now here's one for the lovers.

That's quite a few of you, I
shouldn't be surprised and a half.

He's done it, it's official.
Worst DJ in the world.

Sarah's waiting for you.

Yes, of course.

Great, good, good.

How are you doing, Mia?

Are you settling in fine?
Learning who to avoid?

Absolutely.

Harry?

Sarah, switch off your
phone and tell me exactly

how long it is that
you've been working here.

Two years, seven months,

three days and, I
suppose, what, two hours?

And how long have you been in love with
Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

Two years, seven
months, three days

and, I suppose, an
hour and 30 minutes.

Thought as much.

Do you think everybody knows?
Yes.

Do you think Karl knows? Yes.

That is... That is bad news.

I just thought that
maybe the time had come

to do something about it.

Like what?

Invite him out for a drink, and
then after about 20 minutes,

casually drop into the conversation
the fact that you'd like to marry him

and have lots of sex and babies.

You know that? Yes.

And so does Karl.

Think about it, for
all our sakes.

It's Christmas.

Certainly. Excellent. Will do.
Thanks, boss.

Hi, Sarah. Hi, Karl.

Excuse me.

Babe. Absolutely, fire away.

Mia, Mia, would you
turn that down?

What is that?

And that was the Christmas effort
by the once great Billy Mack.

Oh, dear me, how are
the mighty fallen.

I can safely put my
hand up my ass and say

that is the worst record
I've heard this century...

And, coincidentally, I believe
Billy will be a guest

on my friend Mike's show
in a few minutes' time.

Welcome back, Bill.

So, Billy, welcome
back to the airwaves.

New Christmas single, cover
of Love Is All Around.

Except we've changed the
word "love" to "Christmas."

Yes, is that an important
message to you, Bill?

Not really, Mike.

Christmas is a time for people with
someone they love in their lives.

And that's not you?
That's not me, Michael.

When I was young and successful,
I was greedy and foolish,

and now I'm left with no
one, wrinkled and alone.

Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
For what?

Well, for actually giving a
real answer to a question.

It doesn't often happen here at
Radio Watford, I can tell you.

Ask me anything you like, and
I'll tell you the truth.

Best shag you ever had?

Britney Spears.

Wow.

No, only kidding!

She was rubbish.

Okay, here's one.

How do you think the new record
compares to your old, classic stuff?

Come on, Mikey, you know as
well as I do the record's crap.

But wouldn't it be great if
number one this Christmas

wasn't some smug teenager

but an old ex-heroin addict searching
for a comeback at any price?

All those young popsters
come Christmas day,

they'll be stretched out naked with a
cute bird balancing on their balls

and I'll be stuck in some dingy
flat with me manager, Joe,

ugliest man in the world,

fucking miserable because our
fucking gamble didn't pay off.

So if you believe in Father Christmas,
children, like your Uncle Billy does,

buy my festering
turd of a record.

And particularly enjoy
the incredible crassness

of the moment when we try to squeeze an
extra syllable into the fourth line.

I think you're referring to,

"If you really
love Christmas..."

"Come on and let it snow."

So, here it is one more time,

the dark horse for this
year's Christmas number one,

Christmas ls All Around.
Thank you, Billy.

After this, the news.

Is the new prime minister
in trouble already?

Okay. What's next?

The President's visit.

Yes, yes. I fear this is going
to be a difficult one to play.

Alex.

There's a very strong
feeling in the party

we mustn't allow
ourselves to be bullied

from pillar to post like
the last government.

Hear, hear.

This is our first
really important test.

Let's take a stand.

Right. Right. I understand
that, but I have decided

not to. Not this time.

We will, of course,
try to be clever.

But let's not forget that America is the
most powerful country in the world.

I'm not going to act
like a petulant child.

Right, who do you have
to screw around here

to get a cup of tea and
a chocolate biscuit?

Right.

Yeah, come in.

These have just come through from
the treasury and these are for you.

Excellent. Thanks a lot.

I was hoping you'd win,

not that I wouldn't have been
nice to the other bloke, too.

Just always given him the boring
biscuits with no chocolate.

Thanks very much. Thanks...

Natalie.

God, come on, get a grip. You're the
prime minister, for God's sake.

So what do you reckon to our
new prime minister then?

I like him. I can't understand
why he's not married, though.

You know the type, he's
married to his job.

Either that or gay
as a picnic basket.

Excuse me, Judy, if you could
just lower the nipples

and cheat them a
bit to the left?

Okay.

I have to say, Judy,
this is a real pleasure.

It's lovely to find someone
I can actually chat to.

Thank you. Well, you know...

And ditto. Thank you.

And the move again,
please, Judy.

Sorry. God, sorry.

Are you all right? Yeah, fine.

Exciting news!

What?

I've bought a ticket to the States.
I'm off in three weeks.

No. Yes!

To a fantastic place
called Wisconsin.

No!

Yes! Wisconsin
babes, here comes Sir Colin!

No, Col! There are a few babes
in America, I grant you,

but they're already going out
with rich, attractive guys.

Tone, you're just jealous.

You know perfectly well that
any bar anywhere in America

contains 10 girls more beautiful
and more likely to have sex with me

than the whole of
the United Kingdom.

That is total bollocks.
You've actually gone mad now.

No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince
William without the weird family.

No, Colin, no!

Yes!

Ja, darling!

Right, the Christmas party, not
my favorite night of the year

and your unhappy
job to organize.

Tell me.

It's basic, really.

Find a venue, over-order on the
drinks, bulk buy the guacamole

and advise the girls to avoid Kevin
if they want their breasts unfondled.

Wives and family and stuff?

Yeah. I mean, not children.

But their wives and
girlfriends, et cetera.

Oh, Christ, you haven't got
some horrible six-foot,

tight-T-shirt-wearing boyfriend
you'll be bringing, have you?

No. I'll just be hanging around the
mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.

Really?

Right.

He now spends all the
time in his room.

I mean, he'll be up there now.

That's nothing unusual about that.
My horrid son...

Bernard? Bernard.

Stays in his room all the time.
Thank goodness.

Yeah, but, Karen,
this is all the time.

I'm afraid that there's something
really wrong, you know?

I mean, clearly
it's about his mom,

but, Christ, he might be injecting
heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.

At the age of 11?

Well, maybe not
his eyeballs, then.

Maybe just his veins.

You see, the problem
is it was his mom

who always used to talk
to him, you know, and...

I don't know, this
whole stepfather thing

seems suddenly to somehow matter
like it never did before.

Listen, it was always going
to be a totally shit time.

Just be patient.

And maybe check the
room for needles.

And then when he
sometimes does come out,

it's obvious he's been crying.

It's just such a
ridiculous waste.

And now it's going to
ruin Sam's life as well...

I just don't know.

Get a grip. People hate sissies.

No one's ever gonna shag you
if you cry all the time.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Helpful.

So, what's the problem, Samuel?

Is it just Mom or is
it something else?

Maybe school?

Are you being bullied?

Or is it something worse?

Can you give me
any clues at all?

You really want to know?

I really want to know.

Even though you won't be
able to do anything to help?

Even if that's the case, yeah.

Okay. Well...

Truth is, actually,

I'm in love.

Sorry?

I know I should be thinking about
Mom all the time and I am,

but the truth is I'm in love.

I was before she died, and there's
nothing I can do about it.

Aren't you a bit
young to be in love?

No.

Well, okay, well...

I mean, I'm a little relieved.

Why? Because I

thought it would be
something worse.

Worse than the total
agony of being in love?

No, you're right. Total agony.

Night, Sarah.

Night, Karl.

Yeah, absolutely.

Free as a bird. Fire away.

Alone again.

Naturally.

I'll deal with it.

All right.

Natalie. Sir.

Thanks. Natalie.

I'm starting to feel

uncomfortable about us working in
such close proximity every day

and me knowing so
little about you.

It seems ... it seems
elitist and wrong.

Well, there's not much to know.

Well, where do you
live, for instance?

Wandsworth. The dodgy end.

My sister lives in Wandsworth.
Yeah.

So which exactly
is the dodgy end?

Right at the end of
the High Street,

Harris Street, near
the Queen's Head.

Yeah, yeah, that is dodgy.

And you live with your husband?
Boyfriend?

Three illegitimate but
charming children?

No.

I've just split up with
my boyfriend, actually,

so I'm back with my mom
and dad for a while.

Sorry.

No, it's fine.

I'm well shot of him. He
said I was getting fat.

I beg your pardon?

He said no one's gonna fancy a girl with
thighs the size of big tree trunks.

Not a nice guy,
actually, in the end.

No.

You know,

being prime minister, I could
just have him murdered.

Thank you, sir. I'll
think about it.

Do. The SAS are
absolutely charming.

Ruthless, trained killers
are just a phone call away.

Oh, God.

Did you have this
kind of problem?

Yeah, course you
did, you saucy minx.

So, let's go. We can
definitely crack this.

Remember, I was a kid once, too.

So, come on, it's someone at school.
Right?

Yeah. Good, good.

And what does she,
he, feel about you?

She doesn't even know my name.

And even if she did,
she'd despise me.

She's the coolest
girl in school,

and everyone worships her
because she's heaven.

Good. Good.

Well, basically
you're fucked, aren't you?

Hi there, and welcome back.

So, Billy, three weeks
till Christmas,

looks like the real
competition is gonna be Blue.

Yeah, I saw them on
the show last week.

They weren't very
nice about my record.

No. Little scamps.

But very, very
talented musicians.

Yeah. Billy, I understand you've got
a prize for our competition winners.

Yes, I have, Ant or Dec. It's
a personalized felt-tip pen.

Great.

It's brilliant. It
even writes on glass,

so if you've got a
framed picture,

like, for instance,
this one of Blue,

you can just write on it.

A lot of kids watching, Billy.

Yeah.

Hiya, kids.

Here's an important message
from your Uncle Bill.

Don't buy drugs.

Become a pop star and they
give you them for free.

And I do believe
it's a commercial break.

Thank goodness. We'll see you soon.
Bye-bye.

Look at him!

Just a minute.

Actually, they're not funny.
They're art.

Okay, let's say
Thursday, my place.

Great. But for now I've got
Juliet on the other line.

Can I patch you through? She
wants to ask you a favor.

Okay, fine.

Thanks and be nice.

I'm always nice.

You know what I mean,
Marky, be friendly.

Mark?

Hi. How was the honeymoon?

It was great. And thanks
for the gorgeous sendoff.

So, what can I do for you?

It's only a tiny favor.

I've just tried the wedding video,
and it's a complete disaster.

It's come out all
blue and wibbly.

I'm sorry.

I remember you filming
a lot in the day

and I just wondered if I
could look at your stuff.

No, look, to be honest,
I didn't really...

Please. All I want is just one
shot of me in a wedding dress

that isn't bright turquoise.

Okay, I'll have a look, but to be
honest, I'm pretty sure I wiped it,

so don't get any hopes up.

Must go.

Any progress with our
matchmaking plans?

No. I've done fuck-all and never
will because he's too good for me.

How true.

Stop.

And, of course,
your mobile goes.

Hello. Hi. How you doing?

So, how's the Christmas
party going?

Good.

Think I've found a venue.
Friend of mine works there.

What's it like?

Good. Good.

It's an art gallery. Full of dark
corners for doing dark deeds.

Right.

Good. Well, I suppose I should

take a look at it or something.

You should.

Welcome back. And this year
you bring a lady guest?

No. There's a change of situation.
Just me.

Am I sad or not sad?

I think you're not surprised.

And you stay here
till Christmas?

Yeah, yeah.

Good. Well, I find you a perfect
lady to clean the house.

This is Aurelia.

Unfortunately, she cannot
speak French, just like you.

She's Portuguese.

I think she's 10 years
too young to remember

there was a footballer
called Eusebio.

And "molto bueno" is Spanish.

Right. Right.

Anyway, it's nice
to meet you and...

Perhaps you can drive her
home at the end of her work?

Absolutely, yes.

Which is what? Turkish?

No, right. Silence is golden.

As the Tremeloes said.

Clever guys, although I
think the original version

was by Frankie Valli
& the Four Seasons.

Great band.

Shut up.

Mr. President!

Over here, sir!

What will you be talking about?

Mr. President, welcome.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Come on through.

I'm sorry your wife couldn't
make it, by the way.

So is she. Although she would have
been kind of lonely, I'm sure.

Yes. Pathetic, isn't it? Just never
been able to tie a girl down.

Not sure that politics and
dating really go together.

Really? I've never found that.

Yeah, well, the difference is
you're still sickeningly handsome,

whereas I look increasingly
like my Aunt Mildred.

Very jealous of your
plane, by the way.

Thank you. We love that
thing, I'll tell you.

Natalie. Hi.

Morning, ma'am. How's
your day so far?

Excellent.

My goodness, that's a pretty little
son of a bitch, right there.

Did you see those pipes?

Yeah, yeah, she's
terrific at her job.

No, absolutely not. We cannot and
will not consult on that, either.

That is unexpected.

Well, it shouldn't be.

The last administration
made it perfectly clear.

We're just being consistent
with their policies.

Well, with all respect, sir,
they were bad policies.

All right, thanks, Alex.

I don't think we're making progress here.
Let's move on, shall we?

Well, now, that was
an interesting day.

Sorry if our line was firm,

but there's no point in
tiptoeing around today,

then just disappointing
you for four years.

I mean, I have plans and I
plan to see them through.

Absolutely. Now, there is one final
thing I think we should look at.

It's very close to my heart.
Just give me a second.

I'll give you
anything you ask for.

As long as it's not something
I don't wanna give.

Hi.

Pathetic.

It's great Scotch.

I'll... I'll be going, then.

Natalie,

I hope to see much more of you
as our two great countries

work toward a better future.

Thank you, sir.

Yes, Peter.

Mr. President, has it
been a good visit?

Very satisfactory indeed.

We got what we came for,

and our special relationship
is still very special.

And, Prime Minister?

I love that word "relationship."

Covers all manner of
sins, doesn't it?

I fear that this has
become a bad relationship,

a relationship based on the President
taking exactly what he wants

and casually ignoring all those
things that really matter to

Britain.

We may be a small country,
but we're a great one, too.

The country of Shakespeare,
Churchill, The Beatles,

Sean Connery, Harry Potter.

David Beckham's right foot. David
Beckham's left foot, come to that.

And a friend who bullies
us is no longer a friend.

And since bullies only respond
to strength, from now onward,

I will be prepared
to be much stronger.

And the President should
be prepared for that.

Mr. President!

Joe.

It's your sister on line four.

All right.

Yes, I'm very busy and important.
How can I help you?

Have you gone completely insane?

You can't be sensible
all the time.

You can if you're
prime minister.

Oh, dear, it's the Chancellor of
the Exchequer on the other line.

No, it isn't! I'll
call you back.

No, you won't!

The trouble with being the
prime minister's sister is

it does put your life into
rather harsh perspective.

What did my brother do today? He
stood up and fought for his country.

And what did I do? I made a
papier-mâché lobster head.

What is this we're listening to?

Joni Mitchell.

I can't believe you still
listen to Joni Mitchell.

I love her and true
love lasts a lifetime.

Joni Mitchell is the
woman who taught

your cold English
wife how to feel.

Did she? Well, that's good.

I must write to her
sometime and say thanks.

Now, which doll should we give
Daisy's little friend Emily?

The one that looks
like a transvestite

or the one that looks
like a dominatrix?

It's almost enough
to make you feel patriotic,

so here's one for our
ass-kicking prime minister.

I think he'll enjoy this.

A golden oldie for
a golden oldie.

Yeah...

Mary, I've been thinking,

can we move the Japanese
ambassador to 4:00 tomorrow?

Certainly, sir.

Terrific. Thanks so much.

Would you like the last...

Thank you very much... but no.

If you saw my sister,
you'd understand why.

That's all right, more for me.
If you saw my sister,
you'd understand why.

That's all right, more for me.

Just don't go eating it all yourself.
You're getting chubbier every day.

I'm very lucky I've got one
of those constitutions
Just don't go eating it all yourself.
You're getting chubbier every day.

I'm very lucky I've got one
of those constitutions

where I never put on weight.

Hello.

Sorry.

Hello?

Thank you.

No. Hold on.

God, it's half the book. No.

Just leave them, please!
They're not important.

They're not worth it!

Stop! Stop.

It's all just rubbish.

Just leave it.

God, she's in.

Right. And now she'll think I'm a
total spaz if I don't go in too.

Fuck - it's cold!

Fuck, it's freezing! Fuck!

This stuff better be good.

It's not worth it. This
isn't bloody Shakespeare.
This stuff better be good.

It's not worth it. This
isn't bloody Shakespeare.

I don't want to drown saving some shit
my grandmother could have written.

Just stop. Stop.
I don't want to drown saving some shit
my grandmother could have written.

I don't want to drown saving some shit
my grandmother could have written.

What kind of idiot doesn't make copies?

I really must do copies.
What kind of idiot doesn't make copies?

I really must do copies.

There'd better not be eels in here.
I can't stand eels.

Try not to disturb the eels.

Oh, God, what the hell is that?
Try not to disturb the eels.

Oh, God, what the hell is that?

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I know. I'll name one of
the characters after you.

Maybe you could name
one of the characters after me.

Or give me 50% of the profits.

Or I could give you
5% of the profits.
Or give me 50% of the profits.

Or I could give you
5% of the profits.

What kind of book is it?

Yes. It's...

Thriller... crime...

Crime. Crime, murder.

Frightening?

Scary? Yes, sometimes scary.
Frightening?

Scary? Yes, sometimes scary.

And sometimes not. Mainly
scary how bad the writing is.

I'd better get back to work.

And then later you'll drive me home?

Sure.

It's my favorite time of day,

driving you.

It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

Sorry.

And coming up later
this morning, it's this guy...

The bad granddad
of rock and roll,

here at 10:30. Do
not switch off.

Banoffee pie?

No, thanks.

Thank God. You would've broken
my heart if you'd said yes.

Right, well, lucky you.

Can I come in?

Yeah, well, I'm a bit busy...

Well, I was just
passing, and I thought

we might check that
video thing out.

I thought I might be able
to swap it for some pie

or maybe Munchies?

Actually, I was being serious.
I don't know where it is.

I'll have a poke
around tonight then...

Mark, can I say something?

Yeah.

I know you're Peter's
best friend,

and I know you've never
particularly warmed to me.

No, don't argue.

We've never got friendly.

But I just wanted to say,
I hope that can change.

I'm nice. I really am.

Apart from my terrible
taste in pie and...

It would be great if
we could be friends.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Great.

Doesn't mean we'll be able
to find the video, though.

I had a real search
when you first called

and couldn't find any
trace of it so...

Well, there's one here that says,
"Peter and Juliet's Wedding."

Do you think we might
be on the right track?

Yeah, well... Wow.
That could be it.

Do you mind if I just...

I've probably taped over it.

Almost everything has episodes
of West Wing on it and...

Oh, bingo.

That's lovely.

Well done, you.

That's gorgeous.

Thank you so much, Mark. This is
exactly what I was hoping for.

I look quite pretty.

You've stayed rather
close, haven't you?

They're all of me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

But

you never talk to me.

You always talk to Peter.

You don't like me.

I hope it's useful.

Don't show it around too much.

Needs a bit of editing.

Look, I've got to
get to a lunch.

Early lunch.

You can just show
yourself out, can't you?

It's a self-preservation
thing, you see.

Yeah.

Annie, my darling,
my dream, my boat.

Need you to do a favor for me.

Of course. Anything for
the hero of the hour.

Don't ask me why, and for heaven's
sake, don't read stuff into this,

it's just a weird
personality thing.

But you know Natalie
who works here?

The chubby girl?

Would we call her chubby?

I think there's a pretty
sizeable ass there, yes, sir.

Huge thighs.

Yeah. Well, whatever.

I'm sure she's a lovely girl,
but I wonder if you could

redistribute her?

It's done.

Hey, Sammo. Can't sleep?

I got some terrible news today.

Let's have it.

Joanna's going back to America.

Your girl's American?

Yes, she's American.

And she's not my girl.

And she's going back to America.

That's the end of my
life as I know it.

That is bad news.

Well, we need Kate

and we need Leo, and
we need them now.

Come on.

Hold on. Hold on.

Keep your eyes closed.

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Fool!

Get off, you big bully.

All right, open your eyes.

You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's
unique and extraordinary,

but general wisdom
is that in the end,

there isn't just one
person for each of us.

There was for Kate and Leo.

There was for you.

And there is for me.

She's the one.

Fair enough. And
her name's Joanna?

Yeah, I know. Same as Mom.

Yeah.

Prime Minister.

Thank you very much.

Well, goodbye.

Thank you.

It was...

I will miss you.

And your very slow typing...

and your very bad driving.

You know I love
Christmas, I always will

My mind's made up,
the way that I feel

There's no beginning,
there'll be no end

Daniel!

I have a plan.

Thank the Lord! Tell me.

Well, girls love musicians,
don't they? Uh-huh.

Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.
That's right.

Meat Loaf definitely got
laid at least once.

For God's sake, Ringo Starr
married a Bond girl.

Whatever. There's this big concert at
the end of term and Joanna's in it.

And I thought maybe if I was in the
band and played absolutely superbly,

there's a chance that she might
actually fall in love with me.

What do you think?

I think it's brilliant.
I think it's stellar.

Apart from the one obvious tiny,
little, baby, little hiccup.

I don't play a
musical instrument?

Yes, sir.

A tiny, insignificant detail.

I suppose I'd better go
and do the duty round.

You're a saint.

Any chance of a dance
with the boss?

Yeah, sure, sure.

As long as your
boyfriend doesn't mind.

Not my boyfriend.

You're looking very
pretty tonight.

It's for you.

Sorry?

It's all for you, sir.

This must be a very
exciting moment for you,

fighting for the
Christmas number one.

How's it looking so far?

Very bad indeed.

Blue are outselling
me five-to-one,

but I'm hoping for a late surge.

And, if I reach number one,

I promise to sing a song stark
naked on TV on Christmas Eve.

Do you mean that?

Well, of course I
mean it, Michael.

Do you want a preview?
You old flirt.

That'll never make number one.

I suppose it's his job to dance
with everyone, isn't it?

Some more than others.

Just one dance?

Before we run out of chances.

Who, me?

Unless you just...

No! No! Good.

Yes. Thanks.

Well, then. I'd better go.

Okay.

Good night. Good night.

Actually,

I don't have to go. Right. Good.

I mean... No, that's good.

Just... Would you excuse
me for one second?

Sure. Just one second.

Okay, that's done.

Why don't you come upstairs
in about 10 seconds?

Ten seconds. Ten seconds.

Just tug it.

Okay.

You're beautiful.

I'd better answer that.

Hello. Hi. Hello, darling.

No, no, I'm not busy.
No, fire away.

Right.

Yes, I... I'm not quite
sure it's gonna be possible

to get the Pope on the
phone tonight but...

Yes. Yes, I'm sure he's very
good at exorcism but...

Well, I'm sure

Jon Bon Jovi is as well, and
I'll definitely look into it.

Okay? Okay, I'll
talk to you later.

All right, bye-bye.

Sorry about that.

No, it's fine.

It's my brother. He's not well.
He calls a lot.

I'm sorry. No, it's fine.
It's fine.

I mean, it's not really fine.
It is what it is,

and sort of there being no parents
now, and us being over here,

it's my job to keep an eye on him.
I mean, not my job.

Obviously, I'm glad to do it...

That's okay.

I mean, life is full of
interruptions and complications.

So...

Will it make him better?

No.

Then maybe

don't answer.

Hey. How you doing?

Right, right. No, please.

Please, please, don't,
little darling.

Between the two of us we'll find the
answer and it won't hurt anymore.

No, no. No, I'm not busy. I...

Of course if you want
me to come over I will.

Okay.

That was a good night.

Except I felt fat.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's true.

Nowadays the only clothes I can get
into were once owned by Pavarotti.

I always think Pavarotti
dresses very well.

Mia's very pretty.

Is she?

You know she is, darling.

Be careful there.

Have you been
watching stuff on TV?

Yeah.

Every night. Good.

And every day.

The nurses are
trying to kill me.

Nobody's trying to
kill you, babe.

Thank you.

Don't do that, my darling.

Thank you.

Don't do that.

Right. Back at 3:00.
Christmas shopping,

never an easy or
a pleasant task.

Are you gonna get me something?

I don't know, I hadn't thought.

And where's Sarah, by the way?

She couldn't make it in today.
Family thing.

There's a word for hangover
I've never heard before.

See you later.

Yes. Looking forward to it.

A lot.

So are you gonna
give me something?

I thought I made it
clear last night.

When it comes to me, you
can have everything.

So, what do you need?

Something along the stationery line?
Are you short of staplers?

No. I don't want
something I need.

I want something I want,
something pretty.

Right.

Sorry I'm late. I had to drop
off Bernie at rehearsal.

Right, well, listen, you keep
yourself occupied for 10 minutes

while I go and do the boring
stuff for our mothers.

Thank you. Thank you.

Looking for anything
in particular, sir?

Yes. That necklace
there, how much is it?

It's £270.

All right. I'll have it.

Lovely.

Would you like it gift-wrapped?

Yes, all right.

Lovely.

Let me just pop it in the box.

There.

Look, could we be quite quick?

Certainly, sir.

Ready in the flashiest
of flashes.

There. That's great.

Not quite finished.

Look, actually, I
don't need a bag.

I'll just put it in my pocket.

This isn't a bag, sir.

Really?

This is so much more than a bag.

Could we be quite quick, please?

What's that?

It's a cinnamon stick, sir.

Actually, I really can't wait.

You won't regret it, sir.

Want to bet?

'Tis but the work of a moment.

There we go. Almost finished.

Almost finished? What
else can there be?

Are you gonna dip it in yogurt?

Cover it with chocolate buttons?

No, sir, we're going to pop
it in the Christmas box.

But I don't want
a Christmas box.

But you said you wanted
it gift-wrapped.

I did but...

This is the final flourish.

Can I just pay?

All we need now...

Oh, God.

Is a sprig of holly.

No, no, no, no.

No bloody holly. But, sir...

Leave it. Leave it.
Just leave it.

Loitering around the
jewelry section, I see.

No. I was just looking around.

Don't worry. My expectations
are not that high

after 13 years of Mr. Oh-
but-you-always-love-scarves.

Actually, I do love this one.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Had to rent out my flat
to pay for my ticket.

You're not actually going ahead
with this genuinely stupid plan?

Yeah. I bloody am.

You think this backpack is full of clothes?
Like hell it is.

It is chock-a-block
full of condoms.

Excellent. Excellent.
Perfect, keep that going.

Look, sorry to be a bit
forward and all that,

but you don't fancy going for
a Christmas drink, do you?

I mean, nothing implied at all.

Just maybe go and see something
Christmassy or something.

Obviously, if you don't want
to, you don't have to. I...

I'm rambling now, sorry.

No. That would be lovely.

Great.

You know, that is really great.

Normally, I'm really shy
about this sort of thing.

Takes me ages to get the
courage up, so thank you.

Explain to me again
why you're so late.

For heaven's sake, woman,
can't a man have any secrets?

We've been waiting for hours.
It's the first ever preview.

It was a starry
night in ancient Jerusalem

and the baby Jesus
was in his manger.

Sherlock Holmes is not
a real detective.

Is this the way to the train station?

I would like
half-pint of sherry.
Is this the way to the train station?

I would like
half-pint of sherry.

I would like a
one-day travel card.

Oh my God, I've got a terrible
stomach ache.

It must have been the prawns.

Milton Keynes has
many roundabouts.
It must have been the prawns.

Milton Keynes has
many roundabouts.

My goodness, this is a very big fish!

It tastes delicious!

You'll come back a broken man.

Yeah, back broken
from too much sex.

You are on the road to disaster.

No, I am on shag
highway, heading west.

Farewell, failure.

America, watch out! Here
comes Colin Frissell.

And he's got a big knob.

Take me to a bar.

What kind of bar?

Just any bar. Just your
average American bar.

Can I help you?

Yes. I'd like a
Budweiser, please.

King of beers.

One Bud coming up.

Oh, my God.

Are you from England?

Yes.

That is so cute.

Hi, I'm Stacey.

Jeannie?

Yeah?

This is...

Colin.

Frissell.

Cute name.

Jeannie.

He's from England.

Yep. Basildon.

Wait till Carol-Anne gets here.

She's crazy about English guys.

Hey, girls.

Carol-Anne, come meet Colin.

He's from England.

Well, step aside, ladies.
This one's on me.

Hey, gorgeous.

That is so funny!

What do you call that?

Bottle.

Bottle.

What about this? Straw.

Straw.

What about this? Table.

Table. The same. It's the same.

Where are you staying?

I don't actually know.

I guess I'll just check into a
motel like they do in the movies.

Oh, my God. Oh, my
God, that is so cute.

No, no, no, listen. This may be a
bit pushy 'cause we just met you,

but why don't you come back
and sleep at our place?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you know, if it's
not too much of an inconvenience.

Hell no!

But there's one problem.

What?

Well, we're not the richest
of girls, you know.

So we just have a little
bed and no couch.

So you'd have to share
with all three of us.

And on this cold, cold night it's gonna
be crowded and sweaty and stuff.

And we can't even
afford pajamas.

No?

Which means we would be naked.

No, no, I think it'd be fine.

Great. Cool.

The thing that's gonna
make it more crowded...

Harriet. You haven't
met Harriet.

There's a fourth one? Yeah.

Don't worry, you're totally gonna
like her 'cause she is the sexy one.

Really? Wow. Yeah.

Praise the Lord!

And he's a Christian.

Cheers.

One present only each tonight.
Who's got one for Dad?

I have. Let Mommy go first.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

No, no, no. I want to choose mine.
I want to choose mine.

I think I want

this one.

I have, of course, bought you
the traditional scarf as well,

but this is my other, slightly
special, personal one.

Thank you.

That's a real first.

Rip it!

What is it?

I'm going to... All
right, I'll rip it.

God, that's a surprise.

What is it?

It's a CD. Joni Mitchell. Wow.

To continue your
emotional education.

Yes. Goodness.

That's great.

My brilliant wife.

Yes.

Actually, do you mind if I just
absent myself for a second?

All that ice cream.

Darling, could you just make
sure the kids are ready to go?

I'll be back in a minute.

All right, all
right, let's take it easy.

Mine first. Mine.

Oh, my God.

It's a miracle.
You're all dressed.

Come on, come on, come
on, we're horribly late.

Right, then. Come on. In the car.
Ln the car.

Come on.

Has she noticed you yet?

No.

You know the thing
about romance is

people only get together
right at the very end.

Of course.

By the way, I feel bad. I never ask
you how your love life is going.

Uh-huh.

No.

As you know, that was
a done deal long ago.

Unless, of course,
Claudia Schiffer calls,

in which case I want you out
of the house straightaway,

you wee motherless mongrel.

No, no. We'll want to have sex
in every room, including yours.

It's a rainy
Christmas Eve all over the UK

and the big question
is who is number one

on the Radio One
chart show tonight?

Is it Blue or the unexpected
Christmas sensation from Billy Mack?

You might have guessed it,
although you may not believe it.

It's Billy Mack.

You are the champion!

Hi, Billy.

Hello.

We're live across the nation,
and you're number one.

How will you be celebrating?

I don't know.

Either I could behave like
a real rock and roll loser

and get drunk with
my fat manager,

or, when I hang up,

I'll be flooded by invitations to a
large number of glamorous parties.

Let's hope it's the latter. And here it is.
Number one, from Billy Mack,

it's Christmas is All Around.

Jesus, not that crap again.

Bill, it's for you, babe.

Hello. Elton.

Of course. Of course.

Send an embarrassingly big
car, and I'll be there.

It's gonna be a very
good Christmas.

Right.

I'd better be getting inside, actually.
My mom and, you know...

Of course, yeah. It's
getting a bit cold.

Well, good night.

Night.

Okay.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Right.

Thank you. Good.

Good night.

Look, everyone,
it's Uncle Jamie.

Hi, Uncle Jamie!

Yes, splendid. It's
lovely to see you all.

And...

I'm off, actually.

But, Jamie, darling...

Sorry.

Man's gotta do what
a man's gotta do.

I hate Uncle Jamie!

I hate Uncle Jamie.

I hate Uncle Jamie.

Gatwick Airport, please.
Fast as you can.

Night, Sarah.

Night, Karl.

I...

Merry Christmas.

Hi, babe. How's it going? Yeah.

Is it all party, party,
party down there?

Sam, time for dinner.

I'm not hungry.

Sam, I've done chicken kebabs.

Look at the sign on the door.

Right.

It's a little long.

I'll get it.

Hi.

Who is it?

It's carol singers.

Give them a quid and
tell them to bugger off.

Merry Christmas.

Enough.

Enough now.

What the hell are
you doing here?

You're supposed to
be at Elton John's.

Well, I was there for a minute or
two, and then I had an epiphany.

Really? Yeah.

Come on. Just come up.

So what was this epiphany?

It was about Christmas.

You realized it was all around.

No. I realized that
Christmas is the time

to be with the people you love.

Right.

And I realized that,
as dire chance

and fateful cock-up
would have it,

here I am, mid-50s,

and without knowing it, I've gone
and spent most of my adult life

with a chubby employee.

And, much as it
grieves me to say it,

it might be that the
people I love is, in fact,

you.

Well, this is a surprise.

Yeah.

Ten minutes at Elton John's,
you're as gay as a Maypole.

No, look. I'm serious here.

I left Elton's where there were

a hefty number of
half-naked chicks

with their mouths open in order to
hang out with you at Christmas.

Well, Bill...

It's a terrible,
terrible mistake, chubs,

but you turn out to be the
fucking love of my life.

And to be honest, despite
all my complaining,

we have had a wonderful life.

Well,

thank you.

I mean, come on,
it's been an honor.

I feel very proud.

Look, don't be a moron.

Come on, let's get
pissed and watch porn.

Dear sir... Dear David,

Merry Christmas and I hope you
have a very happy New Year.

I'm very sorry about the
thing that happened.

It was a very odd moment and
I feel like a prize idiot.

Particularly because,

if you can't say it at
Christmas when can you, eh,

I'm actually yours. With
love, your Natalie.

Jack, yeah, I need a car.

Right now. Thank you.

Don't wait up.

I'd like to go to
Wandsworth, the dodgy end.

Very good, sir.

Harris Street.
What number, sir?

God, it's the longest
street in the world,

and I have absolutely no idea.

Hello. Does Natalie live here?

No.

Right, fine. Thank you.
Sorry to disturb.

Hey, aren't...

Aren't you the prime minister?

Yes. Ln fact, I am.
Merry Christmas.

Part of the service now.

Trying to get around to
everyone by New Year's Eve.

Hello. Does Natalie live here?

No, she doesn't.

Oh, dear. Okay.

Are you singing carols?

No. No, I'm not.

Please, sir, please.

Please.

Well, I suppose I could.

Please.

All right.

Good King Wenceslas looked out

On the feast of Stephen

When the snow lay round about

Deep and crisp and even

Brightly shone the
moon that night

Hello. Sorry to disturb.
Does Natalie live here?

No. She lives next door.

Ah!

Brilliant.

You're not who I think
you are, are you?

Yes, I'm afraid I am, and I'm
sorry about all the cock-ups.

Not my fault. My cabinet
are absolute crap.

We hope to do better next year.
Merry Christmas to you.

Ah!

Hello. ls Natalie in?

Where the fuck is
my fucking coat?

Oh!

Hello.

This is my mom and my dad and my
Uncle Tony and my Auntie Glynne.

Hello. Very nice to meet you.

And this is the prime minister.

Yes, we can see that, darling.

And, unfortunately,
we're very late.

It's the school Christmas
concert, you see, David.

It's the first time
all the local schools

have joined together, even St.
Basil's...

Too much detail, Mom.

Anyway, how can we help, sir?

Well, I just needed Natalie

on some state business.

Right, yes. Of course. Right.

Well, perhaps you should
come on later, Plumpy.

Natalie.

Well, listen, I don't want to
make you late for the concert.

No, it's nothing, really.

Keith will be very disappointed.

No, really, it doesn't matter.

The octopus costume's
taken me months.

Eight is a lot of legs, David.

Hmm.

Well, listen, why don't
I give you a lift,

and then we can talk about this
state business business in the car?

Okay.

Lovely, yes. Lovely.

Thank you.

Hold tight, everybody.

How far is this place?

Just round the corner.

Right. Well...

I just wanted to say

thank you for the
Christmas card.

You're welcome.

Look, I'm so sorry
about that day.

I mean, I came into the room
and he slinked towards me

and there was a fire

and he's the President
of the United States

and nothing happened, I promise.

And I just felt like
such a fool because

I think about you all
the time, actually.

And I think you're
the man I really...

We're here.

Love. Oh, wow.

That really was just
round the corner.

Well, look, I...

I think I'd better not
come in, you know?

Last thing anyone wants is some sleazy
politician stealing the kids' thunder.

No, please come. It'll be great.

No, I'd... I'd better not.

But I will be very sorry

to drive away from you.

Just give me one second.

John's been very mysterious.
Where did you two meet?

No!

Come on in. We can
watch from backstage.

Okay. Terry, I won't be long.

Look, this has to be a
very secret visit, okay?

Don't worry. This was my school.

I know my way around. Come on.

Look, the sheep are ready
already and you're not even...

David.

How are you?

Hi, guys. Hey, hey, hey.
You all right?

What the hell are
you doing here?

Well, you know...

Well, I always tell your
secretary's secretary's secretary

that these things are going on,
but it never occurred to me

you'd actually turn up.

I thought it was
about time I did.

I just didn't want
anyone to see,

so I'm gonna hide myself
somewhere and watch the show.

Good luck, good luck, Daisy.
Good luck, Bernie.

I have to tell you, I've never been
gladder to see my stupid big brother.

Thank you.

All right.

Now, we haven't been introduced.

Right. Well, this is Gavin.

Hello, Gavin.

My copper.

And this is Natalie, who's my...

Who's my catering manager.

Hi. Catering manager.

Watch out he keeps
his hands off you.

Twenty years ago, you'd
have been just his type.

I'll be very careful. Don't try something,
sir, just because it's Christmas.

No, seriously.

Come on. Showtime. Quickly.
Look, see you after, yeah?

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

It's all right.

Come on. Right.

Catch a falling
star and put it in your pocket

Save it for a rainy day

Catch a falling star and
put it in your pocket

Never let it fade away

Hillier School would
now like to present

their chosen Christmas number.

Lead vocals by 10-year-old
Joanna Anderson,

backing vocals coordinated by her
mother, the great Mrs. Jean Anderson.

Some of the staff have
decided to help out,

and for this, we ask
you to forgive us.

Thank you.

I don't want
a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas

Is you

I don't want a lot for Christmas

There's just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is you

You, baby

All the lights are shining

So brightly everywhere

And the sound of children's
laughter fills the air

Laughter fills the air

Everyone is singing

Oh, yeah

I hear those sleigh
bells ringing

Santa, won't you
bring me my honey?

Won't you please
bring my baby to me?

I don't want a lot for Christmas

This is all I'm asking for

All I'm asking for

I just wanna see my baby

Standing right outside my door

'Cause I just want
you for my own

More than you could ever know

You will ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas

Is you

All I want for Christmas

And you and you

All I want for Christmas

Right.

So, not quite as
secret as we'd hoped.

What do we do now?

Smile.

Little bow.

And a wave.

Absolutely no idea. I
mean, can you imagine?

I'll see you later, all right?

I'll speak to you. Bye.

Tell me, if you were in my
position, what would you do?

What position is that?

Imagine your husband
bought a gold necklace

and, come Christmas, gave
it to somebody else.

Karen...

Would you wait around
to find out...

Good night.

Night, darling. Happy Christmas.

Would you wait around to find
out if it's just a necklace

or if it's sex and a necklace

or if, worst of all, it's
a necklace and love?

Would you stay?

Knowing life would always
be a little bit worse?

Or would you cut and run?

Oh, God.

I am so in the wrong.

A classic fool.

Yes, but you've also
made a fool out of me.

You've made the life
I lead foolish, too.

Darling. Darlings!

You were wonderful.

My little lobster,
you were so...

What is that word?

Orange.

Come on, I've got treats at home.
Dad's coming.

Sammy! Fantastic show!
Classic drumming, Son.

Thanks. Plan didn't
work, though.

Tell her, then.

Tell her what? Tell her
that you love her.

No way. Anyway,
they fly tonight.

Even better. Sam, you've
got nothing to lose,

and you'll always
regret it if you don't.

I never told your mom enough.

I should have told
her every day,

because she was
perfect every day.

You've seen the films, kiddo.
It ain't over till it's over.

Okay, Dad. Let's do it.

Let's go get the shit
kicked out of us by love.

Yes.

Just give me one sec.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

That's okay.

My fault.

No, no, really, it wasn't.

You're Sam's dad, aren't you?

Yeah. Stepdad, actually.

Daniel. I'm Carol.

Carol.

Okay, I'm back. Let's go.

Yeah. Well...

I hope we'll meet again, Karen.

Carol.

I'll make sure we do.

Yeah? Good.

Tell her. What?

You know...

Don't be such an arse.

Look, there she is. Where?

Over there.

Oh, no.

It's okay, we'll go to the airport.
I know a shortcut.

Good evening.

I am here to ask your daughter...

for her hands in marriage.

You want to marry my daughter?

Yes.

Come here. There is a man at the door.

He wants to marry you.

- But I've never seen him before.
- Who cares?

You're going to sell me
to a complete stranger?

Sell? Who said sell?

I'll pay him.

Pardon me. I'm meaning
your other daughter - Aurelia.

She's not here - she's at work.
I'll take you.

- You! Stay here.
- As if I would.

Stupid!

Father is about to sell Aurelia
as a slave to this Englishman.

Wait. Wait.

Oh, no.

You'd better not say "yes", father.

Shut up, Miss Dunkin' Donut 2003.

Look, we're not actually flying.

You can't come through
without a boarding pass.

Not even to let the boy say
goodbye to the love of his life?

No.

I'm sorry, Sam.
Boarding pass, sir?

Just a moment, I know I've
got it here somewhere.

Sorry. Would you mind
hanging on to that?

Unless... What?

Do you want to
make a run for it?

Hold on to that, as well.

You think I should? Yeah.

Thank you. Hold those.

Okay.

Yes!

No, I must have left them where
I was having a cup of coffee.

I'm sorry.

Apparently he is going to kill Aurelia.

Cool!

Joanna.

Sam?

I thought you didn't
know my name.

Course I do.

Oh, Jesus. Here, I've gotta run.

- Where is Aurelia?
- Why should I tell you?

This man wants to marry her.

He can't do that - she's our best waitress.

Boa noite, Aurelia

Boa noite, Jamie

Beautiful Aurelia...

I've come here with a view to asking you

to marriage me.

I know I seem like an insane person
because I hardly know you,

but sometimes things are so clear

that they don't need evidential proof.

And I will live here
or you can live with me in England.

Definitely go for England, girl.

You'll meet Prince William -
then you can marry him instead.

Of course I don't expect you
to be as foolish as me

and of course I expect that you'll say "no"

but it's Christmas
and I just wanted to check.

Oh, God - say yes, you skinny moron.

Thank you.

That will be nice.

Yes is being my answer.

Easy question.

What did you say?

Yes, of course.

Bravo!

You learned English?

Just in cases.

Hello, Daisy.

This one's Greta.

Hello, Greta.

Here she is. This is Aurelia.
This is Juliet. This is Peter.

Mark, hi, didn't see you there.

Yeah, just thought
I'd tag along.

Jamie's friends are
so good-looking.

He never tells me this.

I think maybe now I have
made the wrong choice,

picked wrong Englishman.

She can't speak
English properly.

She doesn't know
what she's saying.

Dad! Dad!

Oh, God.

Did you get us any presents?

As a matter of fact, I did.

Thanks, Dad.

How are you?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Good to have you back.

Come on. Home.

There she is.

Hi.

Hello.

He should have kissed her.

No, that's cool.

Hey. What are you
two doing here?

I might get a shag at last.

Naughty.

Got to go.

Bye.

Now, this is Harriet.

Hi. Really pleased to meet you.

Hello, Harriet.

I hope you don't mind, I sort
of brought my sister to stay.

This is Carla. She's
real friendly.

Hello, you must be Tony.

I heard you were gorgeous.

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you... ♪

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you... ♪

God, you weigh a lot.

Shut your face.

♪ God only knows what l'd be
without you ♪ God only knows

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you

♪ God only knows what l'd be
without you ♪ God only knows

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you

♪ God only knows what l'd be
without you ♪ God only knows

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you

♪ God only knows what l'd be
without you ♪ God only knows

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you

♪ God only knows what l'd be
without you ♪ God only knows

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you

♪ God only knows what l'd be
without you ♪ God only knows

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you

♪ God only knows what l'd be
without you ♪ God only knows

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you

♪ God only knows what l'd be
without you ♪ God only knows

♪ God only knows what
l'd be without you ♪

The Trouble With Love ls)

♪ Love can be a many
splendored thing

♪ Can't deny the joy it brings

♪ A dozen roses, diamond rings

♪ Dreams for sale and fairy tales

♪ lt'll make you hear a symphony

♪ And you just want
the world to see

♪ But like a drug
that makes you blind

♪ lt'll fool ya every time

♪ The trouble with love is

♪ lt can tear you up inside

♪ Make your heart believe a lie

♪ lt's stronger than your pride

♪ The trouble with love is

♪ lt doesn't care how fast you fall

♪ And you can't refuse the call

♪ See you got no say at all

♪ Now l was once a fool, it's true

♪ l played the game
by all the rules

♪ But now my world's a deeper blue

♪ l'm sadder but l'm wiser too

♪ l swore l'd never love again

♪ l swore my heart would never mend

♪ Said love wasn't worth the pain

♪ But then l hear it call my name

♪ The trouble with love is

♪ lt can tear you up inside

♪ Make your heart believe a lie

♪ lt's stronger than your pride

♪ The trouble with love is

♪ lt doesn't care how fast you fall

♪ And you can't refuse the call

♪ See you got no say at all

♪ Every time l turn around

♪ l think l've got
it all figured out

♪ My heart keeps calling
And l keep on falling

♪ Over and over again

♪ The sad story
always ends the same

♪ Me standing in the pouring rain

♪ lt seems no matter what l do

♪ lt tears my heart in two

♪ The trouble with love
is ♪ The trouble with love

♪ lt can tear you up inside
♪lt can tear you up inside

♪ Make your heart believe a lie
♪Make your heart believe a lie

♪ lt's stronger than your pride

♪ The trouble with love is ♪ lt's
in your heart, it's in your soul

♪ lt doesn't care how fast you
fall ♪ You're losing that control

♪ And you can't refuse the call

♪ See you got no say at all

♪ The trouble with love is ♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ lt can tear you up inside ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Your eyes tell me how you want me

♪ l can feel it in your heartbeat

♪ You're so excited l can
feel you getting hotter

♪ Oh baby

♪ l'll take you down,
l'll take you down

♪ Where no one's ever gone before

♪ And if you want more

♪ lf you want more, more, more

♪ Then jump for my love

♪ Jump in

♪ And feel my touch

♪ Jump ♪ lf you want to
taste my kisses in the night

♪ Then jump for my love

♪ l know my heart ♪ l know
my heart can make you happy

♪ Jump in ♪ You know these
arms can fill you up

♪ Jump ♪ lf you want to
taste my kisses in the night

♪ Then jump for my love ♪