Long Shot (2019) - full transcript

MAN: I don't know
what the fuck is going on

in this country, man!

Every day I turn on the TV,

and I see these fucking freaks
marching for their rights!

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

What about our rights?

(PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT)

This is our time
to show the world

that we are not
just an online movement!

(PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT)

We're growing physically!



This is our time
to assert ourselves

as the true voice of America!

MEN: (SHOUTING) Yeah!

Yes, let's do that!

MAN: Now, you may have noticed

that our friend Aryan Grande

has brought in a new recruit.

FucktheJews82.
Welcome, brother!

ALL: Yeah!

Hi. Heil. Heil, everybody.

White power. Obviously.

Been a big fan of you guys
for a while.

Since World War II, really.

That's when you made your
big entrance, on the scene.



And, uh... Yeah.
Just, um, in closing...

- Fuck the Jews!
- ALL: (SHOUT) Yeah!

- Welcome!
- (ALL GRUNT)

Let's fucking party!

(ALL YELLING AND CHEERING)

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

So you guys are, like, pretty
active on social media, right?

MEN: Yeah.

How many times a day would you
say you tweet on average?

- Hey, FTJ!
- FRED: Yo!

You said you wanted
a swastika tattoo.

Now's your chance.

Yeah, you know, I've been
thinking about it. I'm cool.

Come on, man.
We all got 'em!

You guys want me to get
a swastika tattoo?

MEN: Yeah!

I will get a swastika tattoo.

Um...

Yeah.

Hey, take over, man.
I got to take a piss.

(TATTOO MACHINE BUZZING)

Super cool, guys.
Thank you for this.

This is really exciting.

All right, here we go!

(CHUCKLES)

Ooh, right! Yeah!

- (GRUNTS)
- That hurt?

On many levels. Yes.

(SOFTLY) Fuck!

Hey! This you?

You're a journalist?

Yeah!

We all got to be fucking
journalists in this day and age,

mainstream media not covering
our side of the story!

His name is Fred Flarsky.

He writes for
the Brooklyn Advocate.

- He's a fucking Jew!
- What?

Look, look, look.
Okay, okay, okay. Hey!

What are you doing here?

You're here to fucking
embarrass us, huh?

- Who sent you?
- (STAMMERS) No one sent me!

It's okay. I'm... I'm...

He's been recording us
the whole time!

Fucking shit, man!
You infiltrated our group!

You're gonna fucking die!

How do you
turn this thing off?

The fucking red button,
right there, man!

(MEN CLAMORING)

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- (GRUNTING)

Holy shit!

(GROANING LOUDLY)

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(GROANS)
Not only did I escape...

I held onto my phone!

Yes! Ow!

(GROANS)

I trusted you, man!

Yeah, well...

Jews win this round,
motherfucker!

Peace! Ow.

NEWSCASTER:
Tonight on Wembley News,

we take an in-depth look
at Charlotte Field,

a Rhodes Scholar,
a Pulitzer winner,

and protege
of President Chambers,

who tapped Field two years ago

to be the youngest
secretary of state

in the history of this nation.

And honestly,
looking hotter than usual.

Now, people are gonna say
that's sexist,

but, she's just hot!

NEWSCASTER 2: You know,
when we talk about women in this way,

it is because
we respect them so much,

and we start with their body.

- (ALL LAUGH ON TV)
- You two are terrible.

- Good night, Steven.
- Good night, Madam Secretary.

Sorry for the late call,
Mr. Foreign Minister.

Long day.

Three bilaterals. (SIGHS)

Listen, we're not going to be
able to do it.

There's just not enough
traction around this thing.

I believe in it, it's just...
I don't have Congress support.

I don't have
the American people's support.

I know you and I
don't like it, Chuck,

but you know who likes it?

88% of college-educated
Americans over 45.

Likely voters.

That's Gallup.
We have to make this happen.

(WATER SPLASHING)

(SIGHS)

(ALARM BLARING)

(GASPS)

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

Well, I wouldn't call
the president inexperienced.

I mean,
he did play a president

on a very popular television
show for over a decade.

You don't get
six Golden Globe nominations

without being
pretty convincing.

Um, I do think I'm funny.

I'm sorry, I thought
this interview was about

promoting democracy
in Eastern Europe.

All right, next one's BBC.

Would you be asking
a male cabinet member

what products they use
in their hair?

I'm just kidding.

No, it's olive oil
and mayonnaise.

I know. So cheap.
So much shine.

(EXHALING)

Good morning, Mr. President.

(QUIETLY) Good morning,
Mr. President.

Good morning, Mr. President.

- Good morning, Mr. President.
- (TV PLAYING)

Oh, hey, Charlotte.

You caught me
watching my show. (LAUGHS)

Mr. President. We still
recommend Option C.

I am not nuking a tsunami!

Oh, here it is.

(SPEAKING ALONG TO TV)
Not now...

Not today.

Not in my house.

Yes! (LAUGHING) I love that!

(LAUGHS) Oh, me too.

Anyway, that's not why
I called you here.

(EXHALING)

(SIGHS) Charlotte.

Yes, sir?

(CLICKS TONGUE) I will not be
seeking reelection.

Really?

Look, I know it's crazy,

because I'm only halfway
through my first term.

And you're incredibly
popular, sir.

And I want to use
that popularity

to transition into something

more prestigious
than the presidency.

I wanna make it in the movies.

You're going to leave

the Presidency
to go be in movies?

- I know. It's gonna be tough.
- Ah...

Only like, 10 guys
have made that jump

from TV to film.

Woody Harrelson,
George Clooney...

Might be... Might be just two.

I... Mr. President, have you

given any consideration
as to whom you might endorse?

I'm sure you're probably
thinking of McNichol

or Crowly. Strong choices.

So strange, because I was
considering a run in 2024.

And I've been vetted.

So that's all done.

And I can't stop thinking
about what...

What it would do
for your legacy

to endorse the first
female president.

I mean... Wow.

That's a legacy.

- Charlotte?
- Hmm?

I would like to endorse you

to be the next president
of the United States.

I mean, if you think that's
a good idea, sir, I trust you.

I'd... I'd be honored.

I'm gonna be pulling
for Team Charlotte. Right?

Because you've been
a great secretary.

...of state.

Whatever. It's a cool job.

And, um, you've done it well.

- Thank you, sir.
- So stay focused.

Don't make
any major screw-ups.

Don't kill any hookers.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Probably not a problem for you.

I don't know what you're into.
Whatever.

And before you know it...

(HUMMING)

I like the sound of that.

♪ Hey, here she comes

♪ It's the first lady president

♪ Who can believe
that she's actually a woman

Thank you, sir.

♪ She's got a big brain
And a couple other assets ♪

TOUR GUIDE:
Oh, and here we see

Secretary of State
Charlotte Field.

Good morning.

(TOUR GUIDE CONTINUES
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(QUIETLY) Yes!

So the headline is,
"You're in great shape."

- Ninety-two, that's good.
- Really good.

- Yeah.
- KATHERINE: And now, keep in mind

that these are numbers
for a female candidate.

If you were a man, you'd be
in the 192nd percentile.

- Well, that seems about right.
- Yeah.

'Cause the man... Okay.

Um, your sense of humor is 82,

which is solid. It's solid.

But, you know, we wouldn't
mind seeing those numbers

go up a few points, or more.

So, I'm going to get
some writing samples from

- some funny speech writers.
- Great.

I am really interested
in knowing how people feel

- about my accomplishments.
- Yeah.

Right. You know, so we don't

drill down
on specific policies.

And that's only because
people don't seem to care.

That's interesting.

With that said, if you could
broker some deal

that gets you
out there talking

about a thing that you feel

really strongly about,
that would be great.

CHARLOTTE:
Well, that's perfect.

I mean, we've been
looking for an opening

to start a conversation
about the environment.

(CHUCKLES) All right.

Romantically, if I may...

Remember the stir online

when the Canadian
Prime Minister and you

were seated next to each other

at The Global Business Forum?

Mmm-hmm.

A relationship like that

would push you
into the high 90s.

High 90s? Wow.

KATHERINE:
That brings us to...

CHARLOTTE: What's wrong
with my wave?

Um, I think people feel that

that level of elbow movement
is, um...

It stresses people out.

You know what? It's just
an area for improvement.

Okay, fine,
I'll work on the wave.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Hey.
- BOSS: Hey, Fred.

You're gonna love this.
I almost died.

You got a second?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

I actually have
some really great news.

- Really? Cool.
- Yes. (CHUCKLES)

We were just bought
by Wembley Media.

- What?
- Yeah.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I knew you'd have
a harsh reaction...

A harsh reaction?

- Fred, this is a good thing.
- How?

The fucker
represents everything

that we've been fighting
against since day one!

The whole point of this paper is
to fight giant media conglomerates.

Now we've been bought
by a giant media conglomerate.

- I do see the irony.
- Irony?

He's gonna turn this place
into a propaganda machine.

Not the good kind,
that's right!

- (STAMMERS)
- The bad kind, that's wrong!

Well, we're out of options.

We've been running
as long as we can

on ads for weed doctors
and escorts.

Let's get penis enlargement
ads, too.

No one likes their dick.

- Come on, Fred.
- This Wembley guy,

he ran fake stories
to help get Chambers elected.

No, they couldn't prove that.

We proved it! I wrote
three articles about it!

- You published them!
- I did.

The shit that comes out
of this fucking guy's mouth...

He said hurricanes were
caused by gay marriage.

I don't even get
how that fucking works.

I don't even get
the math on that one.

- Fred, it's done, all right?
- It's done?

They're upstairs finalizing
the deal right now. (SIGHS)

Look, we have to cut
two-thirds of our staff.

- Two-thirds?
- Yeah.

But we wanna keep you on.
They wanna keep you on.

It's just...

You just have to
tone it down a little bit.

I don't know how I can
tone things down

any more than
I'm toning them down.

Okay, Fred.
You're a great writer.

- Thank you.
- All right, you're funny,

you take risks,
you connect with people.

I'm sensing a twist in this.

You have a distinct,
authentic voice, but...

Sometimes you're
a little too much.

I don't think I am too much!

I actually think I'm
the perfect right portion.

Look, you have your job.

Okay, focus on that and just
toe the line a little bit.

You know what? I quit.

Oh, come on, Fred.

You should quit, too.
Everyone should fucking quit.

No, I'm not gonna quit,
I need my job.

I need my fucking job, too.
I'm broke, man!

But I can't work for that guy.

At least let me fire you
so you can get unemployment.

No fucking way!

I want him to know
that I quit.

He's never gonna know it,
he's never heard of you.

You're gonna destroy your life to
spite a guy who's never heard of you?

Yes! You said it best!

That's exactly
what I'm doing.

You're making bad decisions
and it's bumming me out, man.

Well, that makes
two of us.

Fuck this.
Journalism died today, people.

Yes, hello, this is, uh,
Fred Flarsky.

Um... I, uh,

was just calling to say
that I was forced

to quit my job recently,

making me
something of a free agent.

And I know in the past, uh,

you said I'm not exactly what
The Times was looking for,

but I was just calling
to see if anything's changed.

Uh, just give me a ring.
Thank you so much.

Yo, Lance. It's Fred. Um...

I lost my job
and I'm very sad.

Can I come by?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

LANCE: We need to
schedule a meeting

and see what they have to say.

Excuse me.

Man, I can't believe
they did you like that.

It's fucked up. I'm pissed.

But you're gonna feel a lot
better, man, we're leaving.

You can leave work right now?

Yeah, I can fucking leave.
You see this corner office?

That's a
"I can leave this bitch

"whenever I want"
corner office.

Come on, man. Everybody!

This is my best friend,

and he just
lost his job today.

All right?
He's at rock bottom.

- It's not that bad.
- He feels like shit.

And I'm gonna
make him feel better.

It's been a tradition
since we were in college,

when one of us feels sad,

the other one
has to get him fucked up.

I'm talking Britney Spears,
mid-2000s bald head,

almost dropping the baby
fucked up.

No judgement. No judgement.

I need my schedule cleared,
Zander.

I don't want to do shit.

I'm going off-grid
till tomorrow.

Matter of fact...

- Everybody's got the day off.
- (ALL CHEER)

Everybody's got the day off.
Y'all got the day off.

Everybody, go home.

I'm so appreciative
of all of you guys' hard work.

I love
every single one of you.

Except you, Ted!

Bagel Friday
is for everybody, Ted!

You don't think we know
you taking the bagels?

WOMAN: Yeah, Ted, not cool.

- Zander.
- ZANDER: Yeah?

I need two cans
of the Pamplemousse LaCroix.

- ZANDER: Uh-huh.
- I need that filled

with Johnnie Walker Blue
and CBD oil.

Do you want one?

FRED: I got fucked, man.

Yeah, you got fucked
like a stepmom on Pornhub.

Well, it happens to everybody.

I've been unemployed before,
it sucks.

But I didn't ask
for any handouts.

I picked myself up by
my bootstraps and got to it.

Where are we going right now?

Best day ever, Fred.
Don't worry about it.

I've got this dope afternoon
planned for us.

First we're going to finish
these Pamplemousse's.

Play at the park.

After that we're going to
go to Peter Luger's,

get you a nice fat steak,

and then finish it off with
a World Wildlife Fund benefit.

I don't know if I
want to go to some

fancy rich person party.

What... Oh, come on, man,

don't be so judgmental,
all right?

It's free booze and
there'll be pandas and shit.

- People love pandas and shit.
- I don't know.

All right, fine, Fred.

Then just do nothing.
All right?

Go home, do nothing.

And don't kick it with your
best friend and Boyz II Men.

Say what?

Oh, yeah.

Boyz II Men is bringing
their timeless blend

of R&B, hip-hop and
new jack swing to the party.

I thought you would
like to be there.

Bo-bo-bo-Boyz II Men?

♪ Motownphilly's back again

(VOCALIZING)

That's what I'm talking about,
man. Let's do this shit.

Okay, let's have fun.
What a fun day.

- (BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

CHARLOTTE: I am so hungry,
it's insane.

Why didn't you
PowerBar me?

I tried,
you pushed my hand away.

Oh.

Skewered foods. I can't eat
skewered foods gracefully.

I look like
a fucking caveman.

Yeah, and there are
cameras everywhere.

That's really gonna hurt
your elegance score.

That's my best score.

Fuck! It's all
skewered foods.

I'm gonna take the chicken
off the skewers.

- Take it off...
- Quickly. Quickly.

Why do they make this
so difficult...

Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
I apologize.

- Jesus fucking Christ.
- Can't do things...

Just make a fucking...
Make a wall. Make a wall.

- Yup. Yes.
- CHARLOTTE: Do you have it?

Good. Good, good,
good, good.

(MUFFLED) Oh, my God,
it's really good chicken.

James Steward is approaching.
James Steward is approaching.

What?

Okay, he's about
nine feet away.

His dick is probably
about seven feet away.

- (WHISPERS) Maggie!
- MAGGIE: Six feet away.

Five feet away.
Spit, spit, spit, spit, spit.

- James!
- Bonsoir.

- Hi.
- Good evening.

(IN ACCENTED ENGLISH)
I am so sorry I missed you

when I was at the White House
a few weeks ago.

Oh, are you so "sorry," James?

(LAUGHS) You're never gonna

stop making that joke,
are you?

- No. I'm not.
- (LAUGHS)

- (MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
- Well, I... Oh, hello.

- Hi.
- Oh, yes.

- PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank you.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

- One more. One more.
- One more.

Merci. Thank you.

What do you say
we get out of here?

Grab a drink somewhere
a bit more private.

(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)

- Yes...
- Yeah?

- (ALL CHEERING)
- Oh, my God!

Make some noise out there!
Make some noise!

Yeah! Check it out, y'all!

One question,
what's the name of the group?

CROWD: Boyz II Men!

What's the name
of the group, y'all?

CROWD: Boyz II Men!

(SINGING)

Yeah...

I told you this
would be dope.

Yeah, uh...
This is really cheering me up.

- (LAUGHS)
- Wow.

(CONTINUE SINGING)

I'm super underdressed.

Stop complaining,
all right?

You think
you feel outta place?

This is one of
the brightest rooms

I've ever been in,
in my life.

Bright?
What do you mean, bright?

Like white.

- Oh, "bright" is white?
- Yeah, man.

It's only me,
the waiters and Boyz II Men.

I've already had three people
tell me they love my music.

(CONTINUE SINGING)

Duty calls.

I'll take a snow check
on that dance.

- Canadian for "rain check."
- Okay. (LAUGHS)

- (SPEAKS FRENCH)
- Okay.

(CONTINUE SINGING)

Man, you're pounding 'em
kinda hard, don't you think?

I got fired today, man.

You told me you quit.

I was forced to quit
because of...

Yeah, okay, man.

Lie to me some more.

You good?

Shit. Is the secretary
of state looking at us?

Oh, she's looking at you?

Fred.

Fred. What the hell?
What was that?

Damn. Hey, what was that?

I...

Kinda... I kinda know her.
Okay?

- You kinda know her?
- Yeah.

Nobody kinda knows
Charlotte Field, all right?

It's like kinda knowing
a mermaid, dude.

You tell people that shit.

- That's exceptional.
- Okay.

I'll tell you a story.

So, I'm like 13,
she's like 16.

She's my babysitter.

She's like, perfect.
She's very nice to me,

which goes a long way with me.

So, we're at her house...

She's practicing a speech
that she's writing.

She's running for
Student Council president.

Did you know
that every year,

the school throws away over
500 tons of recyclable garbage?

- And no one cares.
- I know, it's total bullshit.

But how do you get idiots
to care about shit

- they don't care about?
- They'll just care

because it's the right thing
to care about.

You're more inspiring than George
Bush and Dan Quayle combined.

Well, that's not too hard.

(BOTH LAUGH)

FRED: Well, she was amazing,
and she was smart,

and she seemed to
kinda like me,

and I felt like
we were having a moment.

You know what I mean?
Like a romantic moment.

Oh, shit.

FRED: So I did something,

that in retrospect
was highly inappropriate.

I kissed her.

I looked down...

I got a fucking
13-year-old boner, man!

- Oh!
- Hard... But not big.

But hard. And pronounced,
"13-year-old boner."

Sorry.

And she looks at it.
She sees it. And she goes...

It's okay.

- (GROANS)
- And then,

her boyfriend comes
into the room,

who was in the other room
watching Blossom!

Hey, babe.

Points out my fucking
little boner.

- He makes a joke!
- Whoa!

FRED: And they left.

(MOUTHING) I'm sorry.

And I'm left
standing there alone...

...in the kitchen,

with my little, hard
13-year-old fucking boner.

- Hard as a rock.
- And on top of that,

she didn't win
the fucking election.

Bill Sterling won because
he ran on a two-prom platform.

- Two-prom!
- Two-proms! Back-to-back!

(SCOFFS) She didn't stand
a fucking chance.

No, man.

I think you're skimming over
the best part of that story.

What's the best part
of that story?

She says your boner was okay.

She said, "It's okay,"
like she was trying

to not make me
fucking feel bad.

Fred, you see
a fucked-up story,

when I see a beautiful story
about a girl that you liked,

liking your boner
in all of its okay-ness.

You need
to talk to her tonight.

She probably doesn't remember
who I am,

and if she does remember
who I am,

the last thing she wants is

my 13-year-old-boner-having
fucking ass walking up to her.

- Look...
- AGENT M: Excuse me.

Whoa.

Secretary Field would
like to speak with you.

With me?

With him, right?

- Yeah.
- FRED: Right now?

Uh, do you know why?

This way.

(SOFTLY) This is good.

What are you
nervous about?

What the fuck?
Everything I just said!

(SINGING SLOW R&B SONG)

Oh, my God, dude,
there she is.

(BOYZ II MEN VOCALIZING)

What are you gonna
say to her?

I don't know.

Should open with a neg.

Tell her she's too tall.

I'm not gonna neg
the secretary of state.

- It was so nice to see you.
- WOMAN: You as well.

Give me the signal
when you need me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

A man brought me here.

Yes, sorry about that.

- Um...
- No, not at all.

I can't shake this feeling
that we know each other.

- We do. Yeah.
- We do?

- We do know each other.
- Okay, so I'm not crazy.

- Uh, I'm Fred.
- Fred...

I was shorter,

- but other than that...
- Flarsky?

Yeah! Holy fuck!

I can't believe it.
You remember.

Oh, my God,
look at you!

Look at me, yes.

What are you doing here?

My friend, Lance...
That's Lance.

Hey, how you doing?

He, uh, he just brought me
here to see Boyz II Men.

I just met them.

- You met the Men?
- Yeah.

- What was it like?
- Don't tell anybody,

but it was
the highlight of my life.

Oh, I totally get that.

And I've met
the Dalai Lama.

Fuck him. How many hits
does he have? None.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Don't actually fuck him.

- He's a wonderful man.
- Yeah.

What are you doing
these days?

I bet it's
something amazing.

- It's pretty amazing.
- Yeah.

Uh, yeah,

but it's still in its, uh,
gestation period, I guess.

I don't need to get into it.

What about you,
what have you been up to?

You're the secretary...
I'm joking.

I know what
you've been up to.

- Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- You're very, um...

You know, I just, I... I just
wanna say it's, like, amazing

to see what you've done
with your life.

A lot of people say
they're gonna do

all this incredible stuff
and they don't do anything,

but you actually did it all,
so, congrats.

Well, I'm trying.

I think you've done it.
(CHUCKLES)

PARKER: Oh!

CHARLOTTE: Parker Wembley.

I hate this guy.

FRED: Parker Wembley, the guy
who buys and sells newspapers

and thinks that hurricanes
are caused by gay marriage?

You know him?

He's coming over here.

- Is he behind me?
- Yeah.

- Finally. Secretary Field.
- Parker, how are you?

You are looking
particularly gorgeous tonight.

Thank you.

I... I've been trying
to set a meeting with you

for some months now,
and, uh...

I mean, have you been
avoiding me?

No! No.

- Not successfully.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
Who's your friend?

- Fred.
- Hey, Fred!

- Yes, hi.
- How are you?

And, uh, what is it
that you do?

I'm a journalist,
actually. Yeah.

- Ooh, a journalist.
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Will I have read
anything that you've written?

Probably not recently 'cause
I'm unemployed at the moment.

Oh, I am so sorry
to hear that.

Not your fault.

Excuse me, Secretary Field,
we need a word.

- Oh, okay.
- So we will have that meeting.

- Right?
- Yes.

Okay, good. Fred.

- Yes?
- Best of luck.

Oh, why, thanks.

Things will turn around
for you.

So nice of you.

Darkest before the dawn
and all that.

- I actually... I do have to...
- Yeah.

You probably have a lot
of things to do.

Better than this.

It's really nice
to see you again.

- Oh. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Great.
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, you're backless.
Wasn't expecting that.

- Have fun at the party.
- You too.

Great to see you.

I see you. I see you. Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

PARKER: So I said,
"You want..."

Hey. Hey.
What's that look in your eye?

What are you
about to go do?

Tonight is
about the animals, dude.

Fuck the animals!
They're fucking gone, man.

Too late
for the fucking animals.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey!

- PARKER: Oh, Fred?
- Yeah, look.

- What's the problem?
- I'll tell you the problem.

- What?
- You're the problem, man!

You're everything that's wrong
with this fucking country.

'Cause you're an old,
rich, white piece of shit

and your media conglomerate
is ruining this planet!

- Enough.
- I'm done anyway.

I had more time with you
than I thought I would,

so joke's on you.
Excuse me, thank you.

Whoa, shit! (YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(CROWD GASPS)

God!

(FRED GRUNTS)

Cracker down!

Oh, my God.

GUEST: Looks like it hurt.

Boyz II Men, back up.

You all right? You good?

- You all right?
- I'm okay!

He's okay!

How is he standing?

(HIP-HIP SONG PLAYING)

(SONG PLAYING ON PHONE)

- ALL: Oh!
- Ouch!

♪ Oh, no
That's the Ruff Ryder...

This is so creative.

(ALL LAUGH)

Ha-ha!

- CHARLOTTE: What was that?
- Thank you, Tom.

God, that was crazy.

I mean,
now that we know he's okay,

it was all so hilarious.

And so what is
the relationship exactly?

- Was he your super?
- No,

we grew up
next door to each other.

- (MAGGIE GASPS)
- Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) Fuck,
I used to babysit for him.

- You babysat for him?
- I did.

Wow. Time has not been kind.

He was
such a strange little kid.

But he was really funny.
And he was super smart.

He did have this chip
on his shoulder, though.

He's actually
not a bad writer.

Wait, you've read
his stuff?

Yeah, Brooklyn Advocate.

Oh, God, of course,
you read that, Tom.

Didn't that paper
just get sold off?

Wembley Media
just bought them.

Oh, that makes total sense.

That's why he was
such a dick to Wembley.

So the rest of the schedule
for the day is pretty packed.

(CHUCKLING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Hi.
- Hey.

Did you like
any of those writing samples?

Yeah, McKenzie is good.
Bess is solid.

And, um,
Fred's stuff isn't too bad.

Wait, not the...

The homeless person
that fell down the stairs?

Yeah. He has a real voice.

And he knows me.
I mean, he knew me.

And that's probably
a good thing

if he's going to be
writing for me.

Bringing someone like that
onto the team,

I have to say,
feels a little reckless.

His writing is really good.
And it's funny.

I think he can get that
number up by a few points.

And if he doesn't,
we fire him.

Okay.

Okay.

Fred Flarsky it is.

Thanks.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All right, bye.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Unknown!

I don't give a fuck.
Answer that shit.

- What?
- Answer it!

What if it's The Man
trying to get at me?

No, it's the universe
trying to talk to you.

Really?

- Gang.
- Gang.

Do that shit, man.
Fred, don't fuck with me.

All right. Hello. Gang.

- Mr. Flarsky?
- What?

Wait, slow down. What?

- You're unknown. Pardon?
- Oh, my God. Mr. Flarsky.

- Hello?
- Go on.

This is Maggie Millikin
from Secretary Field's office.

Hello, Maggie,
who works for Secretary Field.

- Whoo!
- Hello?

(WHISPERS) That's good!
Talk to her.

- Hello?
- How can I help you?

The secretary would like
to meet with you immediately.

We will send a car over.

Can you give me
the most convenient address?

- What is she saying?
- Secretary would like

to meet with me immediately

and they're going
to send a car?

Mr. Lou's Deli in Brooklyn.

- I'm sure you can find it.
- I will google it.

Mr. Lou's in Brooklyn.
Stay right there.

Okay.

Uh, I'll see you soon.

(GROANING) Oh,
I feel so scared.

Do I look okay?

Do I look funny?

- Why are these pockets here?
- LANCE: It's okay.

God fucking damn it!

Why am I wearing
these fucking stupid pants?

They're too tapered!

Who wears these silly-looking,
fucking tapered cargo pants

and see the fucking
secretary of state?

You can't think like this.
You have to be positive.

- Mr. Flarsky?
- FRED: Oh, shit.

Mr. Flarsky.

Wish me luck, man.

Yeah, you don't need luck, man.
She said it was okay.

Luck is for losers.

You've got destiny
on your side.

You're good. Fred.

You buy the body.

That doesn't mean anything.

(ENGINE STARTS)

LANCE: Fred, put your
seat belt on.

Take care of my friend.
All right?

- I look normal?
- You look cool.

I love you, Fred!

Nut boys for life!

Empty your pockets
and take off your backpack.

Empty my pockets?

All right. That's...

Let's see how this goes.

Not a regular cop, I assume.

Got bigger fish to fry than
just normal cop shit, right?

So, uh, okay. Let's do it.

(EXHALES)

That's prescription.
For anxiety. Uh...

This is if you can't dance for
a long time and you want to.

That's prescription as well,
for, uh, lack of energy.

That's energy powder.

These are to wrap
the anxiety medication in

when inhaling it medicinally.

That's if you want to vaporize
the anxiety medicine,

which I have
a prescription for.

And that's a blunt.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ooh.

Hi.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

MAGGIE: Wow.

Will you sign this, please?

- What is it?
- It's an NDA.

A non-disclosure agreement?

- That's right.
- Okay.

- (WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
- CHARLOTTE: Fred.

- Yeah.
- Hey, nice to see you again.

- Hi, you too.
- Come on in.

Take a seat.

Good to see you were
not injured from that fall.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

I actually think
the brim of my hat

kind of protected
my face ultimately.

So, thank God I was
underdressed in the end, right?

Well, as long as you're good.

- I'm okay.
- Yeah. Great.

FRED: Uh...

Why am I here?

What I'm about to
share with you

is, obviously,
highly confidential.

Oh, yeah.

Keep it
on the down low.

President Chambers will not
be seeking reelection.

Really?

(SOFTLY) Yes.

That's fucking sick!
That's awesome.

Are you telling each American
individually the good news?

I mean, but seriously.

Did he just realize
he sucks at it

and decide
not to do it anymore?

He just wants to move
into film and make movies.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's cool. That's a tough
transition to make.

Not many actors have made
the leap from TV to film.

You got George Clooney,
you got Woody Harrelson...

Jennifer Aniston.

Mmm, did she though?

You don't think Jennifer
Aniston's a movie star?

Just 'cause
you star in movies

doesn't mean
you're a movie star.

The point is...

He's going to endorse me
for president in 2020.

Wow.

- I know.
- Mazel tov.

(CHUCKLES) So.

We're headed to
an environmental summit

hosted by King Gustav

and the Swedish Royal Family.

At the summit,
I'll be announcing

that the world's
three largest polluters

have signed on
to the most comprehensive

and exciting
environmental deal ever.

You know,
after I have some dairy,

I'm one of the world's
three largest polluters.

Excuse me?

We'll address
rising sea levels,

combat deforestation

and protect
the world's pollinators.

I'm calling it the Global
Rehabilitation Initiative.

Internally,
we're referring to it

as "Bees, Trees and the Seas."

CHARLOTTE: Soon after that,

I hope to announce that
100 countries have signed on.

- Wow.
- At which point...

I will resign
as secretary of state.

Using this initiative
as a springboard,

I will announce
my presidential run in 2020.

- Cool.
- So...

I need some writers
to punch up my speeches.

I read your work
and I really like it.

That's... Wow.

You mentioned
you were between jobs.

So it's a really good fit.

It's so nice of you
to think of me at all,

honestly, with everything
going on in your head.

I look forward
to working with you.

Thank you.

Um... So, uh,
when do you need to know by?

(CHUCKLING) What?
I don't understand.

When do you need to know if
I'm going to take your, uh,

your punch-up job?

Right now.

Oh. Uh...
Then I guess,

maybe... Maybe, uh, no?

Maybe no, I don't know.
I don't know!

You know what,
Madam Secretary,

he's not interested.
We tried, it didn't work out.

So I can give you
some writing samples...

What don't you know?

This whole Seas, Bees
and Trees thing.

Is it actually
going to do something?

Or is it going to be
one of those things

that maybe only sounds like
it's gonna do something,

but doesn't
actually do something?

I only wanna come work for you

if it's actually
gonna do something.

It will do something.

This is a perfect document.

They all start out that way
and then they get watered down.

Fred.

Not only does this
initiative sound good,

it's going to do good.

It's gonna save
the fucking planet.

Not to mention,
pay your rent.

So, are you in?

Or do you have something
more important to do?

Than save the planet with you?

No, I don't. (CHUCKLES)
I'm in.

Phew! (CHUCKLES)

Let's save the planet.

That was...

What just happened?
She's good. (LAUGHS)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

FRED: Uh, hey.

I had some jokes, uh,
I was gonna run by you,

maybe, if you have a second.

What are you...
What are you looking at?

- (GASPS)
- (YELPS)

- Jesus!
- Oh, my God!

Why would you just barge
in here while I'm sleeping?

- You were sleeping?
- Yes!

I was micro napping.

- That's what you call that?
- Yes.

Sorry, I didn't realize
you were sleeping.

You were standing
and your eyes were open.

Do you need something?

I have some jokes
that I wrote

that I was gonna run by you
if you have a second.

Yeah, that was actually
a really good nap.

Great. Seemed very restful.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Whoa.

I feel like these jokes
are a little angry.

Oh. I thought maybe
they were, like, emphatic?

"With every
fracking drill thrust,

"we are literally
butt-fucking Mother Earth"?

It can be normal fucking.

It doesn't have to be
in the butt.

I can take that part out.

Yeah, listen, Fred.

If I'm angry,
I'm hysterical.

If I'm emotional,
I'm weak.

If I so much as
raise my voice, I'm a bitch.

My job's hard.

Not as hard as mine.

I think maybe, like,
part of the problem

is that, like, a lot of humor
is based on,

like, personal experiences.

I was thinking, you know,

you cared a lot
about the environment

- since high school.
- Mmm-hmm.

So maybe include
some stories about that.

- High school?
- Yeah.

You think that's funny?

I think it's a good area.

Nostalgia,
pop culture references.

People love that.

Jimmy Fallon's made
an entire career off of that.

When I think about school,
I just think about studying.

No, you did
so much more than that.

I think your whole 1991
platform was pretty on-point

when you were running
for Student Council.

I remember you said,
"Everyone at this school

"pretends to care
about the underdog,

"but the planet Earth is

"the biggest underdog
of them all."

Something like that.

I said that?

Yeah, you did say that.

You were in the kitchen,
making pizza.

We were making signs
for your election.

And you were
wearing that shirt.

I don't know if it was
a strawberry or a flower,

it always confused me.

It was both.

Oh, there you go.

That's all I remember
about that night, though.

Uh, that's where my memories

concerning that evening
expire.

I learned a lot
from that election.

Yeah, that kids are
probably more likely

to vote for two proms

than a very elaborate
recycling program.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Not only kids.

Yeah, that's true.

Did you know he asked me out
to one of those proms?

- Bill Sterling?
- Yeah.

After he beat you?

- Yup.
- Prom one or prom two?

Oh!

What a fuckhead!
You're way better than prom two.

(SIGHS AND LAUGHS)

I went to zero proms,
by the way, for the record.

I think you're the smart one
in this situation.

Yes, that's why
I didn't go to prom.

'Cause I was too smart. Uh...

Cool. I'll get to work on
that speech stuff.

Great.

Hey, Fred.

Yeah.

You know, if you want to try
some non-joke stuff,

just go ahead.

Really? Like the main part
of the speech?

Yeah. Just write.

Cool. Awesome. Thanks.

If you take another nap,

you should put on, like,
a bicycle helmet or something.

'Cause you're gonna tip over,
there's turbulence.

That's actually
a really good idea.

It is. I want you
to be careful.

- Yeah.
- We need you.

(CHUCKLES)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (BAND PLAYING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

- Ambassador.
- Welcome to Sweden.

Nice to see you again.

Yeah, you too.

I look forward to seeing you
tonight at dinner.

Yes.

Uh, Madam Secretary,

I have some ideas
I wanna throw by you.

Yeah, soon, Fred.

Tom, do you have the schedule?

- TOM: Yes, of course, ma'am.
- (SIGHS) All right.

MAGGIE: In the back, Flarsky!

TOM: Then at 8:15, you have
a fitting for tonight's gala.

Then at 8:45, a call with
Iraqi Prime Minister Masum,

9:15, a call
to Brazilian President Temer

about deforestation issues.

2:15, you have a call with
U.K. Foreign Secretary Green

to discuss your tour
of Scotland in a few weeks.

2:25, then you have
a call with New York Times

to comment on POTUS'
latest Instagram attack

on Prime Minister Bharath
of Kashtar.

At 5:45,
we're meeting with the head

of Sweden's
Diplomatic Protocol,

Ingrid Minervudottir,
to discuss tonight's schedule.

Okay. And then after that?

Also, Parker Wembley
keeps trying to get

- some face time with you.
- Oh, God.

Parker can wait.
Okay, Fred. Go.

Yeah, sure. Um...

So, uh, you know,

based on what we were
talking about last night,

I just took a stab at
the whole speech, basically.

(CLICKS TONGUE)
That's good.

- Thank you.
- This part isn't.

Okay, well, you said you
didn't want to sound too angry.

I also don't want to sound
like I have a head injury.

Okay. Uh,
I'll go change it.

Great. Thanks.

Okay, here we go.

- (SIGHS)
- So...

All right.

Fred.

Yeah?

Do you have any grown-up
clothes to wear tonight?

I was gonna...
I was thinking

of zipping this up
all the way, like to here.

That's kind of
a little more...

It's, like,
slightly more buttoned up.

MAGGIE: You know what,
Madam Secretary,

I would be delighted
to dress Fred for tonight.

Thank you, Maggie.
I'd be thrilled

to have you dress me
for tonight's event.

What a fun adventure.

Get a little makeover.
All right, have a good one.

Thank you, Fred.

FRED: Why, thank you.

MAGGIE: ...and then
it's saying hello,

you'll sit down,
we'll have dinner,

- I'll pull you up...
- Where's Flarsky?

Why are we waiting?

What, is he doing his hair?

- (SIGHS)
- Um...

Oh.

- TOM: What the...
- (CHARLOTTE LAUGHING)

What the fuck
are you wearing?

She bought me
this shit. Okay?

It's a traditional
Swedish suit.

I don't see another
fucking Swede up in here

dressed like this.

It's all I could do
on such short notice.

You just take the jacket off,
it's going to make it better.

It's just... Make it look...
Oh, my God.

Better with
the jacket on? Great.

Razzing the new guy, I get it.
Fuck you, Maggie.

Calm the Smurf down.

Bring a fucking suit
next time.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you like the speech?

Yes, the speech is good.

Oh, you're going to have to
stay way back there, Fred.

Just stay back, Flarsky.
Okay? She's got to focus.

On what?

Getting India and China
to agree

to be a part
of this initiative.

They haven't even agreed
to be a part of it yet?

They will, we just have to
sort out a few details.

We just wrote
a whole speech

about how
they're on-board already.

Don't worry, Fred.

You just stay here
and make sure

nobody from Candy Land
needs their car parked, okay?

I don't know
why you needed a writer.

Those are sick burns.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

CRIER: Secretary of State
Charlotte Field

of the United States
of America.

Your Majesty.
Your Highness.

- Your Highness.
- Pleasure.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh.

No, thank you.
I'm working right now.

And you know you are, too.

I do know that.

But you dressed me like
Cap'n Crunch's Grindr date,

so I'm going to drink
to make you uncomfortable.

Honestly, Fred, your entire
life makes me uncomfortable.

(MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH)

FRED: Oh no, fuck me.

(MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH)

- Yes.
- (CONTINUES IN SWEDISH)

We both shop in the same
mystical village, I see.

- (CONTINUES IN SWEDISH)
- Yes, you look great.

- Congratulations.
- Skal.

Skal. Skal to you, too.

- (SPEAKS SWEDISH)
- Yes. (SPEAKS SWEDISH)

Jesus.

Hey, we're making
a few revisions to the speech.

What?

So we're losing the "Seas" part,
so go cut that,

and then brainstorm
a couple of other funny lines

for the "Trees" section, okay?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Losing the Seas part, why?

Because India wouldn't go
for it. So we had to pivot.

That's not a pivot,
that's a third of the whole fucking shit.

Are you kidding me?
That's it, it's just gone?

Yeah, it's gone.

And there's nothing
we can do?

No. And you don't
have to worry about it.

Just go over to the computer.
Start typey-typing.

Well, no.

I'm not gonna do that.

So you quit,
resignation accepted.

I will rewrite the speech.

Oh, the fuck you will!

What the fuck?

(ALL GASP)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- MAGGIE: You don't...
- FRED: Let go!

(GUEST GASPING)

FRED: Look out. Excuse me!

MAGGIE: Stop running!
Stop running! Stop running!

Fred, stop running!

(GUEST MURMURING)

Fred...

(EXCLAIMS)

Why did you do that?

Because I will not
have you damage

the integrity of my writing!

The integrity of your writing?

You're a punch-up writer,
you're not Maya Angelou!

What is going on?

What's going on
with you, bruh?

Did you just
call me "bruh"?

- She's the secretary of state.
- Is he high?

MAGGIE: He is wasted,
but he's also just stupid.

Meet me in the conference
room, I'll handle this.

What's the deal, Fred?

What's the deal?
What's the deal? What are...

The only reason I'm here
is 'cause you told me

you cared about this shit,

and in the time I come
out here to have a smoke,

you fucking got rid of a massive
element of the whole thing.

I got two out of three.
I only lost one.

That one was the seas.

It covers 75% of the planet!

- It's a pretty big one!
- Bring down your voice.

You know why I'm upset?

This is exactly what I thought
was going to happen.

And I even said it.
I said it in your office.

I don't want to write
for some bullshit politician.

I wanted to write for you.

Because I thought you cared
about this shit.

Until you're running the game,
you have to play the game.

Well, then, by the time
you win the game,

you don't know who's scoring
touchdowns on whose nets,

and you don't know
who's hitting home runs

in whose fucking end zones!

- What are you talking about?
- I don't know sports.

Let me try it with food.

You wanna open a restaurant.
But all you got is chopsticks.

No! I don't have time
for this, okay?

If you want to quit,
then just fucking quit.

- I don't give a shit.
- Yeah, you don't give a shit.

- No, I don't.
- You used to fucking give a shit,

but now you don't
give a shit about anything.

You cared more about
recycling in high school

than you do this shit and it's
very disappointing to me.

Fuck this.
I've got a speech to give.

Oh, yeah, good luck
giving it,

it's on my computer
in the snow.

I have copies, you idiot.

You just threw your computer
in the snow, that's it.

Oh, no! Shit!

Oh, God damn it!

It's soaked!
I need a bowl of rice!

I need a big bowl of rice!

God damn it! Why didn't I
back this thing up?

All my shit's on here.

CHARLOTTE: Fred. Look.

Wow.

I've never seen
anything like that.

No, I...

I've seen pictures of it,
but I never...

...actually...

I never saw it. (SNIFFLES)

Are you crying right now?

It's pretty.

Yeah.

Fred?

(SNIFFLES) Yeah?

If you ever pull
some shit like that again,

I'll have you thrown in Gitmo.

Yes, Madam Secretary.
I'm sorry.

You better hope this fucking
speech goes over well.

I've often gravitated
toward the underdog.

The band of misfits who fight
back against the bullies.

In high school, I would talk
about the underdog a lot.

And I would often find myself
on a soapbox,

rambling on and on about
the injustices of the world.

Which makes you
extremely popular,

especially when everybody
would rather be watching

Beverly Hills, 90210.

(ALL LAUGH)

But that is why I am happy
to announce

an initiative that would make
my 16-year-old self proud.

In what is now being dubbed
"The Underdog Speech,"

the secretary of state
opened up about her childhood

and passion
for the environment

by announcing
a bold new initiative...

...turns out she has always
been an Andrea Zuckerman

in the body of a Kelly Taylor.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Oh, wow, you shaved your neck.

I did. I cleaned it up.

Got my whole back.
Went all the way down.

Looks good.

Trying to make a good
impression, I guess, anyway...

I, uh...

I just wanted to apologize
to you, again,

for acting a little crazy,
you know.

I'm gonna...

I'm going to really try
to tone it down

and not, you know, make you
risk global, uh, humiliation.

Good. Great.

Also.

I googled speech writing

and it was
actually very informative.

What I learned

was that in order to write
better for you,

I should kinda get to know you
better and get in your head,

and everything
I already know about you,

I kinda used
on the first speech.

So, what I did

was I wrote a ton of questions

that will maybe help me
capture your voice,

if you have a minute.

I actually have seven.

Seven. Okay, great.
Yeah. I'll take it.

- All right.
- Seven minutes in heaven.

(CHUCKLES) Um...

- Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
- So. Ah... I guess...

Just like...
What are you into?

What kind of shit you into?

Well, this is
pretty much it.

I mean,
secretary of state stuff.

Do you have any hobbies?
Anything? Do you watch TV?

Do you watch Game of Thrones
or anything like that?

Oh, I'm fully aware
of what happened

in every season
of Game of Thrones.

Because you watch it?

Because I read synopses
on every episode.

That can't actually work.

I couldn't believe
when Khaleesi's dragon

(WHISPERS)
came back as a White Walker.

(WHISPERS) Whoa!

- See?
- What about movies?

Do you watch movies?

Synopses of all
the award contenders.

You used to love movies!

You made me watch
Encino Man 30 times.

"Wheeze a little juice!"

(LAUGHING) You still do the
worst Pauly Shore impression

in the history of mankind.

I can't believe you're
still doing "The Weasel"

and you haven't seen
any of the Marvel Universe.

Those movies are sick.
You're like frozen in time.

I am Encino Man.

(FRED SCOFFS)

All right, what is your
favorite book as a kid?

The Velveteen Rabbit. You?

Fear and Loathing
in Las Vegas.

- Oh, that explains a lot.
- (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

(GREETS IN VIETNAMESE)

I'm so sorry
for what we've done to you.

Best drug experience?

I could get summoned
at any moment

to deal with
an international crisis,

I can't do that on acid.

What about Molly?

Who's Molly?

(SIGHS)

REPORTER: Secretary of State
Charlotte Field

continues on her impressive
20-country world tour

to garner more support

for her ambitious
environmental initiative.

And all in a private jet,
no less.

You know what would
save the environment?

Charlotte Field
grounding her ass.

I know where I'd like
to ground her ass.

(LAUGHS) Oh, I walked
right into that one.

Must Have Been Love
by Roxette.

- Oh! That's just fucking hot.
- Right?

- I got a new one.
- (MUFFLED) What?

I got to change
my favorite song.

- You have too many.
- I've done it a few times.

Broccoli by DRAM,
featuring Lil Yachty.

All those words

- are the name of a song?
- Yeah.

CHARLOTTE: I don't
really think I have one.

FRED: You gotta have one.
Everyone has one.

Well, I don't embarrass
that easily.

Yeah, I hear that.
I don't either, really.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. Okay.

What's your favorite
sexual position?

I mean, you know, front.

- Normal. Front facing normal.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, my God.

- What kinda question is that?
- That's all it took.

Look at you.

Well, what's your favorite
sexual position?

- Don't be gross, Fred. Hi.
- Yeah, see?

What's your favorite
sexual position?

It's too complicated
to explain.

- Really?
- I told you mine.

Oh, God, okay. (SIGHS)

I just got back
from a trip to New Delhi.

- Yeah?
- I got called into a meeting

with the Joint Chiefs,
and I was a little nervous.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And my stomach was a little
weird from all the curry.

Oh, no.

Delhi belly.

Well, we were in a motorcade
and we couldn't stop.

- Oh, no.
- Mmm-hmm.

God...

I ruined a really nice
Dolce & Gabbana bag.

- You puked in it?
- Nope.

Oh, no!
In a moving vehicle?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN ON TV)

Do you actually understand
what's happening right now?

Yes, I speak Russian.

FRED: The Russian
Samuel L. Jackson guy is dope.

Do svidanya,
motherfuckers!

- (GASPS)
- (GUNFIRE ON TV)

Oh, my God, they just
shot the pirate guy!

But he's keeping
the team together.

I know.

I don't think
I can handle that.

- Oh, it's okay.
- No,

I really liked him
in the movie.

Don't worry,
just keep watching.

FRED: You know,
the Philippines gets a bad rap.

Because it's pretty nice here.

You'd never know civil war
was about to break out.

This is good.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Hey. What if we use
this line to start with?

Yeah, "I'm going to
start this speech

"by saying the same thing
I said to my boss

"at Blockbuster Video
when I was 16.

- "I quit."
- (LAUGHING)

- That's not bad.
- I love that.

This is really fucking good.

Look at you, you get me, Fred.

I totally get you.

♪ All I want for my birthday

♪ Is a big booty ho

♪ All I want
for my birthday... ♪

I couldn't be happier
that out of all the shit

I played you
from the last decade,

that what you've liked
the most is 2 Chainz.

- It's catchy.
- It's awesome.

(CHUCKLES)

So, are you, like, dating
the prime minister of Canada?

- No. No.
- No.

I feel like I read...
Did I read that

in some shitty tabloid
that you guys were dating?

- Maybe it's not true.
- No, I'm sure you did. It's...

They like to write about it,
but no. I...

We're not, we... We flirt.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Kind of.

It's weird.
We made out once.

Dope.

You asked.

No, hey! I've hooked up with

my fair share
of world leaders, too.

I 69'd Fidel Castro once.

You thought
his beard was big.

Um...

But how does that work
with you? Do you, like...

Do you, like, date?

Uh... Yeah. I date.

Generally, you know,

with people who have
similar lifestyles to me.

People who travel a lot.

It's hard to keep
those things alive. I...

I mean, who wants to
follow me around the world

and hope I have five minutes
to be affectionate?

- Yeah.
- And honestly,

guys don't really
want to date women

who are more powerful
than them.

They think they do, but...

It's a dick shriveller.

- Uff.
- Mmm-hmm.

Dick Shriveller is my favorite
Batman villain though.

- So...
- (CHUCKLING SOFTLY)

You gonna ask
why I'm still single?

- No, I get it.
- (LAUGHING)

- It makes sense.
- Yeah. It adds up.

- (WHOOSHING)
- (GASPS)

- (EXPLOSION)
- (FRED GRUNTING)

We're right in front
of the window.

- (GUNFIRE)
- (EXPLOSION)

What the fuck is happening?

Insurgents are fighting
the army.

- Are we in danger?
- Yes! Yes!

Madam Secretary,
we need to leave now!

- (GUNFIRE)
- FRED: Fuck!

AGENT: This way!

All right, guys, come with me.

- Come on.
- (ALL SCREAM)

Secretary Field, this way!

- I got her, secure them!
- (FRED GRUNTS)

This way.

You'll be safe in here.

Oh, fuck! Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay?

I'm okay. Yeah. (STAMMERS)
We're okay. Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay. Okay. Holy shit!

(EXCLAIMS) Oh,
we could have just died.

Oh, my God, I'm freaking out
a bit right now.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm having a hard time

catching my breath
a little bit.

You don't seem like you're
freaking out very much.

I am! I'm employing
a Navy SEAL breathing technique,

for dealing with panicking.

It's just gonna take about
90 seconds to work.

90 seconds? I need more than
fucking 90 seconds!

I need 90 fucking years!

I'm fucked up for life
from this shit, yo!

I have so many regrets,
did so many terrible things!

When I was 12, I peed on a dog
to impress an older kid.

The dog didn't like it.
The older kid didn't either!

It was just pointless.

- (EXPLOSION)
- What the fuck?

Holy shit! Fuck!

Is there more? Is there
gonna be more?

- Fred.
- Is there more?

You're gonna
have to calm down.

I don't think I can.

Sit down with me.

And breathe.

- Four seconds in.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)

Four seconds out.

Four seconds in.

(GASPING)
One, two, three, four...

- Four seconds out.
- One, two...

- Four seconds in.
- One, two, three, four...

You don't have to count
while you're doing this.

...four. It helps me.

- (WHEEZING) One, two, three, four...
- There you go.

One, two, three, four.

- One, two, three, four.
- (EXHALING DEEPLY)

One, two, three, four.

- You got it.
- (SIGHS) That actually works.

Those guys are good.

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

We did almost just die,
though.

We actually did almost die.

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.

That actually
makes me feel better.

Means I didn't overreact.

Oh, God, no, you completely
overreacted. (LAUGHING)

Yeah, maybe.

I can think of worse ways
to go

than here with you. (CHUCKLES)

Honestly, this has been like,

the best few weeks
of my entire life.

You don't have to say it
back to me.

I know it's not true for you.

I saw you sing with
Bruce Springsteen last year,

at that benefit concert.
That was probably

a way better week.

Just as an example. (CHUCKLES)

Well, this is
a pretty close second.

Really? To The Boss?

Yeah.

Wow. That's nice.

Uh...

I feel like maybe you want me
to kiss you right now,

but I don't want to make
the same stupid mistake

I made 25 years ago.

Wouldn't be a stupid mistake.

Wait... Really?

We've secured the location.

But we need to move you.
The helicopter is standing by.

Thank you, Agent M.

FRED: Holy shit.

That helicopter was way louder

than I thought
it was gonna be.

- MAGGIE: Fred, enough. Enough.
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

We're safe here though?

- MAGGIE: Yes!
- TOM: Oh, my God, Fred!

AGENT: This way.

FRED: This place
looks really nice.

Fred, I need you
to come work

on that speech with me,
right now.

- Right now?
- Yeah. Right now.

Okay.

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hang on, get my pants off.

Okay, I gotta, too. Shit.

- CHARLOTTE: We're doing it?
- Yeah!

- CHARLOTTE: Do it faster.
- Let's do it.

They're coming off!

Fucking tapered pants. Shit!

Fuck!

CHARLOTTE: Okay, just leave
it! Just leave it! Leave it!

- FRED: Okay.
- Okay. Yeah.

Should I go in, then?

Yeah, enter.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no!

- I'm gonna come really soon.
- Me too.

- Really?
- Yeah!

- Oh, God!
- Oh!

BOTH: Oh, boy!

(BOTH MOANING LOUDLY)

- Oh, God! Okay.
- Oh, my God!

- I'm coming out.
- Okay, come on.

Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck!

Wow. Oh, my God,
I'm sorry.

I don't know
what happened.

I usually last
way longer than that.

- You know?
- Not me.

That was weird.

We both said, "Oh, boy"
when we came...

- Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
- ...at the same time.

- That's never happened before.
- I've never said that.

- Yeah.
- Super strange.

- Oh!
- Should we do that again?

Yeah, my hands are shaking,
I need a minute.

(EXHALES)

Hmm.

- Who's this little guy?
- (LAUGHING)

I was a writing an article
about neo-Nazis

and I had to get a bottom half

of a swastika
tattooed on me...

- Oh, my God.
- ...so they wouldn't kill me

and I didn't want that,

so I added little shoes and
I made him a little stick man

and I named him
Adolf Stickler.

You'd never know
he had little swastika legs.

- No.
- He's so happy about it.

I know, they just
look like pants.

You'd never know he was born
in the fires of hatred.

(LAUGHING)

Man, I am hungry.

What time is it?

I couldn't tell you
what fucking day it is.

And where...
Where are we right now?

I don't have a clue.

You don't know?

No. They just
dropped us here.

They just took us here
on the helicopter.

AGENT M: Good morning,
Mr. Flarsky.

Jesus!

You scared me, man.

Could you maybe not tell
anybody about this?

They wouldn't
believe me anyway.

Fair enough.

Good luck, man.

Thank you.

(ON RADIO)
These helicopters are scary.

It's gonna be fine, Fred.
Just breathe.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

FRED: One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I feel so happy right now!

Like,
I'm beginning to realize,

I may have never been happy.

This might be the first time
I ever felt happy.

And it feels good.

This is like, the best shit
that's ever happened.

There's like this crazy big
banquet thing tonight,

and she gave me
like a tuxedo to wear.

And it's not like a date,

but it kinda
feels like a date.

How do I not fuck this up?
Seems impossible.

Dude, you just need to give
yourself affirmation, man.

You need to... (STAMMERS)

You need to say that
you're worthy of love, man.

I am worthy of love.

All right, now you gotta
say it 10,000

more times,
until you believe it.

Okay, look, I gotta go.

I have no fucking clue
how to tie a bow tie.

All right, man. Hey!

Be bold!

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Hi.

You look really pretty.
(CHUCKLES)

Thank you.

You look really pretty, too.

Thank you.

Thanks for the suit.

We should probably head in.

- Shall we?
- FRED: Yeah.

Wow. This is awesome.

It's cool being
in Argentina.

I think the guys
who killed my grandparents

are hiding here somewhere.
(CHUCKLES)

Shit, they got a band.

Do you wanna, uh, dance maybe?
Or grab a drink?

So there are representatives

from over 75 countries
here tonight.

She has three hours
to get out there,

- shake her money maker...
- Yeah.

...and get as many
commitments as possible.

- This is a work event.
- Of course, yeah. I get it.

We could, uh, maybe at the end
of the night, have a drink.

Yeah, if you have time.
Cool.

- We'll see.
- Yeah.

All right. Okay.

I know what's going on.

- What do you mean?
- You know what I mean.

There's nothing going on.

Don't fucking bullshit me,
Fred.

'Cause my EQ is through
the goddamn roof.

And I understand and intuit
the nuances of social dynamics

like you wouldn't believe.

The two of you are having sex
with each other.

There's no way you could
discern something like that.

Charlotte told me.

Really?

No, but you just did,
you fucking idiot.

Fuck! Shit!
That was fucking very clever.

Jesus, well,
you know what, yes.

Okay. We're sexing
one another down.

- So?
- Ew.

Honestly, it's probably
weirder to me

- than it is to you.
- Look,

I can't believe
I have to say this,

but just so you know, there's
no way the two of you work.

Why would you say that?
You don't know that.

The public will never accept
the two of you together,

so neither will she.

Honestly, Fred,
it doesn't matter

if you get it or you don't,

'cause the truth is,
she is going to realize it

for the both of you,

then you'll have
your heart broken.

And that could be
kinda fun to watch.

Ambassador Plenipotentiary...

PARKER: Madam Secretary!

Excuse me.

- Ah!
- Parker.

- Nope. Nope. Uh...
- (KISSING)

(PARKER LAUGHING)

You know, we still have not
found time to sit down.

You know,
it's not gonna happen.

I'm not gonna find time.

I will get my way on this.

I don't even know
what you mean by "this,"

but please have at it.
It's all yours.

- May I have a word?
- Can you excuse me?

We're in the middle
of a conversation here.

- Of course. Yes.
- Oh, my God. You are a...

You look
absolutely wonderful.

- CHARLOTTE: Oh.
- (JAMES SPEAKS FRENCH)

(CHARLOTTE CHUCKLES)

(IN ENGLISH) I have to say,
I have been

so impressed
by your initiative.

Does this mean
I can add Canada

to the list of countries
taking part?

(CLICKS TONGUE)
On one condition.

Let me guess.

You want fewer restrictions
on lumber.

I don't care about lumber.

I just want to dance.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Sure.

(SLOW TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

Whoa! (CHUCKLES)

Wow.

You know
when you see something,

and it just looks right.

Like a Kangol hat
on Samuel L. Jackson.

MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm.

(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)

(WHISPERING)
I'm worthy of love.

I'm worthy of love.

What the fuck
are you saying?

Nothing.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Bonjour, ma'am.

(LAUGHING)

Excuse me.

Agent E, look alive.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I hear you have
a crush on me.

I do. (CHUCKLES)

Kinda have
a crush on you, too.

Well, that's cool.

Hey, I know I asked earlier.

But, uh...

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you want to dance with me?

It's a dope song.

Really fucking good song.

Maybe the best song
ever written.

Yeah.

(SINGING ALONG)

(BOTH SINGING ALONG)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(GASPS)

I want you to
fuck me from behind

and slap my ass really hard.

What?

What?

Nothing. What,
did I say "what"?

Am I being too bossy?

No. No. No. No. Not at all.
No. No.

I am. I am.
I'm your boss all day,

and now I'm bossing you
in bed.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.

No. Not at all.

My brain, honestly, just went
into shock a little bit...

Yeah, but you hesitated.

No, it's just not how
I imagined you liking things.

You know what? We'll do exactly
what you were imagining.

And then you turn me around
and slap me on my ass

and then choke me
a little bit.

Oh, my God.

(EXHALES)

Whoa.

Frederick.

Margaret.

Hey, you forgot this...
Oh, fuck!

- Gross!
- Um...

I thought you guys
hated each other.

- We do hate each other.
- We do. Big time.

- We are also fucking.
- Ugh.

How long
have you been fucking?

That was probably 20 minutes.

Not right now!

- Oh.
- A lot of questions. Um, I...

I would say
anywhere between

two and five...
Three and a half times.

I would say on my end, five.

Three and a half sounds right.

I don't know how you're tallying that shit.
That's sick.

Okay, first of all,
there's a woman present.

There's a woman
in there, too?

- Excuse me.
- Easy.

- And I got it.
- Sorry.

- Again.
- Sorry, I'm...

A woman is present
and that woman is me.

- You?
- TOM: We're talking about her.

Trust me, I know, Fred.

Tom, I got this.

- Ugh!
- I'm gonna say goodnight.

You tuck that in.
Goodnight to you.

And I will take my leave.

No. No way.
I'm not touching that shit.

- It's not the worst instinct.
- Guys, just...

Those hands
have been places.

MAGGIE: Goodnight.

With France's commitment,
U.S. Secretary of State

Charlotte Field's noble
Rehabilitation Initiative

has secured the support
of 100 countries.

- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- (GASPS)

The president
wants to talk to you.

We've set up the tent in the next
room, Madam Secretary.

Tell him hi.

Mr. President. Bonjour.

CHAMBERS: (ON VIDEO)
Charlie, bonjour.

Hey, what's this I hear about
an environmental treaty thing?

Oh, it's the Global

Rehabilitation Initiative,
sir.

It's been on your desk for the
last three weeks. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, well,
we ran it up the flagpole

and it's ruffling
some feathers.

Sir, you are the flagpole.

There are actually quite a few
flagpoles in this joint.

We need you to revise it.

Sir?

We need you to kill the trees.

Why would he do that?

Because he's funded by a
bunch of fucking rich assholes

and I probably pissed
one of them off.

Can I just say
the optics of this

are actually
not that different?

The initiative still has
the same name.

It sounds
very impressive,

which is ultimately
all that matters.

I actually cared about this.

Now what am I
fucking left with? Bees?

I don't even like bees.

Do you have to
listen to him?

Yes. I have to listen to him.

Because unless he endorses me,
I won't win.

And this whole fucking show
would have been for nothing.

Well, maybe you don't need
his endorsement to win.

You know?
People are digging your shit.

And your numbers are good.

You know what, Fred?
She needs a little alone time.

Right, she probably just needs
a friend right now.

MAGGIE: Time to go, buddy.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God.

Maggie, just give me a second
alone with Fred, please.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CHARLOTTE SIGHS)

I don't wanna
do this job anymore.

I fuckin' hate it.

I mean, what's the point?

Every time I do something,
it just gets undone.

I'm sorry.

I just wanna be
a normal person

and not give a fuck
about anything

just like
the rest of the world.

Yeah, most people don't
give a shit about anything.

I bet it's really nice.

That's what I want.

I don't know
how to give that to you.

Let's get fucked up.

Fucked up?

- Yeah.
- Like a few beers fucked up

or more than that fucked up?

Like super fucked up.

I want to smoke
a Molly with you.

(SNORTS)

What?

That's not, um...

That's not
how you take it, but...

How do you take it?

It's a pill.
You take it in your mouth.

But I don't know
if you wanna do it.

Why not?

I just don't know
if it's a good idea.

As your boss, I'm ordering you
to get me a Molly.

Oh, man.

You good?

(ECHOING)
I don't feel anything.

You don't feel it?

No, I don't feel
a fucking thing.

Ooh! Wow.

...Was right.

Holy fuck...

(GRUNTING) No!

My jaw feels
really weird.

Yeah, that's the drugs.

Drugs love a jaw.

- I want more.
- No, no, no, no.

Maybe in like an hour.

We should do it now.

(FIREWORKS BURSTING)

(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

Yes, motherfuckers!

I could do this forever!

We're gonna.

I know I've been like...

I've been, like, playing it
pretty cool.

Like I've probably been
a little hard to read,

and I've been acting
kinda, like, aloof,

maybe like I don't
care that much.

But I don't wanna do that
anymore. I really like you.

You haven't been
playing it cool at all.

You just followed me
into the bathroom.

Yeah, to talk.

- I really like you, too!
- Really?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

(BOTH YELLING)

- Madam Secretary!
- Yeah! Whoa!

Madam Secretary!
Listen to me!

Dance with me,
Steven! Dance!

We have a situation.

- Huh?
- (SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)

- (STAMMERS)
- FRED: Yo.

How much longer is this
Molly stuff gonna last?

We just re-upped.

You kept saying you wanted
to take more, so we did.

So we have another
maybe four or five hours.

Yeah. Why?

I'm in so much trouble.

FRED: What's happening?

I'm gonna be
in so much trouble.

What's happening?
Are they outta water?

One of our U2s went down

while performing a standard
fly-over in Kashtari airspace.

The pilot was able to eject,

but it appears he was taken
by the Kashtari military.

Thank you, General.

Prime Minister Bharath
is refusing

to return the pilot
to United States custody.

He's personally hurt
by the many insults

hurled at him by POTUS.

Good job. All right.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

It's gonna be okay
in there, right?

That's up to you, ma'am.

(EXHALES) Oh, God.
You got this.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I can hold onto your sunglasses for
you, if you'd like.

Oh, no. I have alopecia.
In both eyes.

(CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY)

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello.

BHARATH: (LOUDLY ON PHONE)
Secretary Field!

CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God!

Hello, Bharath? Hey.

I hear we have
a situation here?

One that we both
probably want resolved.

Very quickly...

You're not going to bully me
this time, Madam Secretary.

Your man will stay here

until your president
personally apologizes to me.

Over Instagram.

- He won't do that.
- Yeah, no. Yes...

- (WHISPERS) Yo.
- Yes?

Can I level with you?

Can I fill you in
on something?

Go ahead.

Me and Charlotte,
we're fucked up right now.

We're on drugs.

First of all, I don't
wanna talk about that.

Why? We can't talk
about the drugs.

Do you know
we're on drugs?

I don't wanna talk
about that in this room.

- What's happening?
- (MOUTHING)

We're on drugs
right now.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

That's funny.
That's a funny joke!

FRED: What's a joke?
We're on fucking drugs...

(MOUTHING)

Are we going somewhere?

(MOUTHING)

What is that?

What is happening?
We're on drugs right now.

So you're admitting that
the United States government

ordered these planes
to spy on my country?

No.

(MOUTHS)

No! No! Of course not!

That's what it sounded like.
Face it.

You have no leverage here.

Match his aggression, Madam.
It's the only way out of this.

I don't know, he seems
really fucking pissed off.

Get more fucking pissed.

Let him know
who's really in charge.

- (GRUNTS)
- (BANGS)

(SOFTLY) Oh, my God,
that really hurt.

I gotta be honest,
I'm not...

I'm not feeling
all this aggression stuff.

I'm into more of,
like, a chilled vibe.

You know, just feeling...

God, are those Gauloises?

Just, I'm so...

I'm just gonna bum one.

Just give me one sec.

Don't worry.

Bharath.

- Hello?
- Listen.

Mmm. Mmm.

You and I are in
the same boat, my friend.

How is that the case?

We both have to
deal with my boss

and we both think
he is an asshole.

You also think
he's an asshole?

Oh, my God,
he's such an asshole.

His stupid fucking TV show

was like,
good for three episodes

and then it just didn't make
any sense.

(SIGHS) Fuck,
it feels good to say that.

Listen.

You need to keep this
on the real DL.

We both know
that the U.S. does not

negotiate with terrorists.

But, we do negotiate
with homies.

So if you give us
our guy back,

I'm gonna hook you up
with a sweet aid package.

So not only do you not have to
keep a guy hostage,

which is a pretty
shitty thing to do.

I mean, I've done it myself.

Don't tell anybody,
super classified.

It sucks, I hate it.

Yeah. So,
why don't we instead

save a ton of lives?

I mean, that's pretty
fucking awesome, right?

I think this is
a really good idea.

What do you say?

Ma'am.

Hostage saved, motherfuckers!

- Yeah, yeah!
- (BOTH CHEERING)

- She did it! She did it!
- She did it!

I'm here with Secretary
of State Charlotte Field.

Who, after a tense and
complicated negotiation

with Kashtar,
has secured the release

of the pilot of the U.S.
spy plane that went down

over Kashtari airspace.

I know, right.
(SOFTLY) Crazy.

REPORTER: And this is all
in the midst

of the success of
your environmental initiative,

which I understand has secured
the support of 100 countries.

- CHARLOTTE: Yes, um...
- Ooh, sore subject.

I'm very happy
to announce that

not only do I have the support
of those 100 countries,

but the president himself
called me personally

just to tell me how psyched
he is about this initiative...

- Did he call? Did he call?
- That didn't happen.

...don't change a word,

especially the part, uh,
with the trees.

- That's a lie.
- CHARLOTTE: So, all in all,

I'm just... Well,

I kinda feel like I'm just
kinda crushing it right now.

Thank you so much. So...
Thank you.

Thank you.

The incredible
Charlotte Field.

Who clearly still feels
the effects

of the intense all-night
hostage situation. (CHUCKLES)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

After negotiating the release
of Lieutenant Gary Smith...

Charlotte Field's popularity
continues to skyrocket...

In the newest Gallup poll,
68%...

...are women mentally unfit
to hold the presidency?

Here to chat about it
is Chris Brown,

Jeremy Piven,
and Brett Ratner.

In the wake of her successful
hostage negotiation,

Charlotte Field's poll numbers
keep going up.

MALE REPORTER:
I'd like to apologize

to Charlotte,
and anyone out there

who was upset yesterday when
I called her Booby-McBoobson.

Give me
the president's office.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Yep?

MAGGIE: Can I talk to you
for a second?

Of course.

We got some new polling that
I thought I'd share with you.

All right.

MAGGIE: It feels like
everything

is kinda falling into place
for us.

So we thought
we'd dig a little deeper

and make sure
there are no surprises.

- Why are you acting so weird?
- It's good.

We got some really
helpful feedback.

From the public.

So we asked
a thousand constituents

how they would feel

- if, say, Princess Di...
- CHARLOTTE: Hmm.

...if she were to
start dating

Guy Fieri.

I don't even know
who that is.

MAGGIE: They
don't like that.

- CHARLOTTE: Yeah.
- MAGGIE: Or Kate Middleton

were to start dating
Danny DeVito.

I see where you're
going with this.

Pretty negative reaction.

Or if Jennifer Lawrence

were to start dating this
potato in a teal windbreaker.

They would be very upset.

You did a lot of work,

- and I...
- Well, but, can I just finish?

No, that's, like, a lot of...
I get it.

Madam Secretary.
I have no desire

- to limit your romantic life.
- Good.

But the optics of you and Fred

will make a presidential run
very challenging.

Fred is a journalist.

Who's written some
extremely fucked-up stuff.

No. That's exposed some
really fucked-up stuff.

And I just want to know
for myself,

you're comfortable with putting
everything on the line for a hookup?

Oh, my God. (CHUCKLING)

Why are we having
this conversation?

This is insane.

I don't have to explain myself
to you.

I'm sorry. I really don't
understand this.

And I fucking love you,
Charlotte.

I want you to be happy.

But more than that,
I want you to be in charge.

And I want you
to be president.

For the sake of the future
of our country.

Look, there's another option.

There's a guy who works
for the Secret Service

whose job it is to handle
the mistresses...

Maggie. You're gonna
have to stop.

And there are a series
of tunnels in the White House

- that Woodrow Wilson...
- That's enough.

Fred is not an idea

that I'm floating by you
for your approval.

And you're getting very close
to crossing a line.

Okay. Got it.

Goodnight, Madam Secretary.

(INDISTINCT TV CHATTER)

When I grow up,
I want to be Charlotte Field.

Because she's smart and pretty

and she's going to be
president.

(SIGHS)

(BUZZER BUZZES)

I will be that
little girl's president.

Thank you,
and God bless America.

MAGGIE: Massive applause.
Massive cheering.

At that point, I think
the stage would descend,

right, and then Lil Uzi Vert
or Charli XCX

would join hands
with the Harlem Boys Choir...

Well, I said we'll figure
that out later.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Uh, Madam Secretary,

the president would like to
see you right now.

Shit.

Damn it!

The nation is at war!

I find myself torn.

Torn between my personal love
and my love of country...

Sir, is this a good time?

Oh, hi, Charlotte.
No, I'm just running lines.

- Oh.
- CHAMBERS: All right.

Clear the room. Everybody,
just Charlotte, please.

(INAUDIBLE)

Thanks.

(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

Is everything okay, sir?

PARKER: Oh, look who it is.

She's here at last.

You gotta love that
secret door. Sit down.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

This feels like an ambush.

Well, in the
entertainment world,

we call this a surprise
walk-on.

You see, Charlotte,

we have a number of
business interests

and that, you know,
may be gravely affected

by this agreement of yours.

Yeah. Uh, aside from
getting into film,

I'm looking to use
my connections as president

to expand
my investment portfolio.

Sort of like an Ashton Kutcher
type thing, you know.

I mean, that guy is killing
with acting and investing...

I think what the president
is trying to say,

is that the server farm
we want to build in Alaska

is sitting on 10 miles of land
which will now be

protected by your initiative.

Move your server farm.

PARKER: We want to
build it in Alaska.

There's plenty of room
for expansion.

Charlotte. I'm surprised
that it's come to this.

You're usually so agreeable.

But I watched you
undermine me

on TV the other day.

TV of all places.

That's my medium. All right?

You used TV against me!

That was your first mistake.

Look, I'm about to give you
the easiest ultimatum

that you're ever,
ever gonna receive.

Drop the tree thing.

- Or?
- PARKER: Or...

We will release the content
of your friend's hard drive.

We found
a lot of interesting stuff

when we hacked
into his webcam.

Now here is a little taster.

Yo, Charlotte, it's Fred.

Uh, you want
to come to my room

and have sex with me
really fast?

Oh no, don't worry. I'll find
ways to kill time today.

It's cool. Just let me know
when you're back.

Great.

(HANGS UP PHONE)

(FORWARDING)

CHARLOTTE: (ON VIDEO)
...important to me.

That's a good speech.

CHARLOTTE: The band of misfits
fight back...

- Nice dress.
- ...against the bullies.

Never giving up.

Never laying down.

(FORWARDING)

CHARLOTTE: In high school,

I would talk about
the underdog a lot.

And I would often find myself
on a soapbox

rambling on and on
about the injustices

of the world.

Which makes you
extremely popular...

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

...especially when everybody
would rather be watching

Beverly Hills, 90210.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, wow.

(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, boy!

Oh, no...

Yucky.

(CHARLOTTE SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON VIDEO)

FRED: (ON VIDEO) Oh, boy!

What the fuck?

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry this happened.

- You don't have to be sorry.
- What do we do?

This is what everyone
was afraid was gonna happen,

because of me.

And now it's happening
because of me.

- Do I get a publicist?
- No.

- Do I do a publicity tour?
- Stop.

Do we have
a press conference?

Fred, listen to me.
I took the deal.

What?

We scratched the tree thing

and I have a real shot
at becoming president.

And some billionaire
motherfucker

gets to blackmail you?
Using me?

Doing something
that everybody does?

Out of a policy
that you cared about,

since you were
in middle school.

Since I've known you,
you've cared about this.

And now you're just gonna
get rid of it?

I'm trying to compromise here
for a bigger goal.

Well, I don't think
you should right now.

Oh, my God!

Of course
you don't think I should.

You never compromise
for anything in your life,

which gives you
the perfect excuse to fail.

Well, it's better than
maybe bending over backwards

for anyone who asked,

to the point that
you don't even know

why the fuck you're doing
this shit anymore!

In my world,
in order to achieve

what I'm trying to achieve,
I have to compromise.

Oh, why,
because you're a woman?

Yeah, motherfucker.

Okay, that makes sense.

And because I'm not giving up
everything I've ever wanted

just because it doesn't
live up to your moral code.

I don't care if this tape
comes out. I really don't.

- Oh, my God, Fred.
- I'll be okay.

You don't have to
do this for me.

You're not doing this for me.

(SCOFFS) Obviously.

Look, you and I both know

the woman who stands
beside the guy

that's coming on his face
gets way more scrutiny

than the guy who's actually
coming on his face.

Don't know if that's
happened enough

for there to be, like,
a precedent for it.

So, who knows? Maybe that
won't be the case this time.

Who knows? Maybe people
will think it's romantic.

I'm jerking...
I'm jerking off to you.

You don't know how people
are gonna react.

I'm not taking that risk.

(SIGHS)

I can't do it.

Okay.

So the video doesn't come out,
what happens to us?

I was talking to Maggie,
and she knows

this consultant who could
scrub your history.

We could make sure
nothing else like this

pops up and surprises us.

And then we just...

We work on your image,

and we figure out
how we want to

present ourselves
as a couple to the public.

That's all.

- Okay.
- Okay.

How long...
How long will it take,

do you think, to create

an image of me that we can
present to the public?

Just through the first couple
months of the campaign.

You think? But you don't
know that, right?

It could take longer
than that.

In a couple of months,
you could find that it's not a good moment

to introduce
a new boyfriend, right?

And then we'd have to wait
a couple more months.

I don't know how long
it's gonna take, Fred.

And then meanwhile,

you're pretending
not to date me.

And you're scrubbing
my Internet history?

So my articles are gone.

And you, like, sneak me around

like I'm Marilyn Monroe
and you're JFK?

Is that what
we're talking about?

I just want to be clear,
that's what we're talking about.

And we have to do that
because I'm...

...not right.

And then once we present us
to the world,

we present a version of me
that isn't... actually me?

Yeah.

(FRED SIGHS)

I can't do it.

I wish

that I was the type of person
that could, but I can't.

You don't have to do it.

FRED: Don't know what the fuck
I was thinking.

Why the fuck
I thought someone like her

and someone like me
could work?

She's a fucking politician.
Like, I don't even know her.

Like, I don't know who she is.

She has no moral compass.

She's working with fucking
Democrats one day,

Republicans the next
fucking day.

I mean, what's wrong
with working

with Democrats
and Republicans?

That's...
That's the whole country.

Uh, yeah,
except fuck Republicans,

I guess is the problem
with that.

Speaking as an American,
shouldn't you see both sides?

Yeah. I see
one side's fucking wrong.

- (SCOFFS)
- What's the problem here?

I'm a Republican.

You're fucking joking
right now.

Member of the GOP!
Yeah, you know me.

You're a Republican.

Yeah, I'm a Republican!

The shit has worked out
so far for me.

What the fuck, man?

All that shit
you're always saying to me!

- Yeah.
- Pull yourself up

by your bootstraps. And being
in charge of your own destiny.

- Republican shit.
- Oh, and it worked on me.

And it works
on a lot of people.

Oh, that's fucking sick.

That's right.

Ugh! That's gross!

That Republican shit,
you put it in my brain

and it made me feel good.
That's fucked up, man!

Come on. See, this is what
I'm talking about,

your negative way of thinking.

I don't even know you!

- What do you mean?
- Ugh!

I'm the same dude
from two minutes ago.

Your best friend.

Why'd you never tell me this?

'Cause I knew you'd act exactly
how you're acting right now.

Wait a minute.

You're always talking about how, like,
the universe has a plan for all of us...

Take it easy.

There's someone watching
over us at all times.

- Yeah.
- Does that mean...

I'm a man of Christian faith.

What the fuck!

Now, come on now!
We pray for you!

Don't pray for me! Keep it!

- Lord.
- Oh, stop it. Ignore him, God!

- He doesn't mean that.
- Don't pray for me!

You are trippin' right now.

I'm not fucking trippin'!
How could you be Christian?

I wear this cross, every day,
since you've known me!

What did you think it was for?

I thought it was... (SIGHS)

...a cultural thing.

You mean like,
'cause I'm black?

That's what
I thought, yeah.

That might be.

But that don't mean
what you said ain't racist.

- You're right.
- Yeah, I know I'm right!

- Fuck.
- That's racist as shit!

All right, dude...

I love you, man.

But you're very judgmental.
They don't want politics

to get into this,
because you've never really

been good at looking at shit

from other people's
perspective, Fred.

- I know.
- It might explain

why you haven't been able to look
at this through Charlotte's eyes.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you couldn't be
who you are around me,

and you had to
hide your true self.

That's really fucked up.

That's all right, man.

But my love for the GOP
and the G-O-D

has nothing to do with us.

I'm racist.
You're a Republican.

I don't know
what the fuck's going on.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

JAMES: Polls suggested
I should get into yoga,

which I did and it turns out,

I don't really like yoga.

Don't you sometimes just wish
you could say,

"Fuck the polls"?

Well, polls say that people
find my laugh unattractive.

So I shouldn't laugh
in public.

That was a bit of a bummer,

because I really,
I like to laugh.

- A lot.
- Hmm.

Um, but we came up
with another laugh

that was better.
That's more, uh...

- Presidential, I guess.
- Hmm.

(LAUGHING)

That's good.

It's a lot of teeth
and not too much sound.

- Yeah.
- (SLURPS) Mmm.

So, um, after dinner,

how about we go
for a drink somewhere?

Ooh.

I know this great little place
that's not too far from here.

It's called Mini Bar.

It's quite exclusive, you need
a little key to access it.

And you get charged
as you remove the bottle.

- Hmm.
- It's actually more of

a small fridge than a bar.

- And it's in my room...
- No, I get it.

I'm inviting you
back to my room.

- I...
- (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH)

- That was my real laugh.
- Mmm!

- (CHUCKLING)
- I don't know why

they told you
not to use that laugh.

- It's...
- (SLURPS LOUDLY)

Big day tomorrow,
Madam Secretary.

(CAR RADIO
PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

Yeah. Big day.

(SIGHS)

Okay. "Hey, it's Fred."

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Beep.

Oh, uh, guess I got
your voicemail. Um, hi.

It's Fred.

I guess I wanna start
by saying I'm really sorry.

You were right
about everything

and I was wrong
about everything.

And we should go along
with the plan.

I can be Marilyn.
I can be your Marilyn.

I'd rather be
your Lady Bird,

because, you know,
LBJ put a ring on that finger.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

But I would do anything
to continue,

to be able to be with you.

Okay, bye.

(KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS)

So, we're losing
the trees, huh?

Yeah. POTUS talked me
out of it.

I know that meant
a lot to you. I'm so sorry.

Hmm, nothing we can do
about it.

We need his endorsement.

- Yep.
- Yep.

And I am sorry
about you and Fred.

You know,
he called last night.

He said he'd do it,
he'd go along with the plan.

(EXHALES) Really? Wow.

That's a shock.

Um... Okay.

I'll... I'll start
to make arrangements.

No, Maggie.

There's nothing to do.

At the end of the day,
it was never gonna work.

Well, today is
such a good day,

and I am so excited.

We should be psyched.

So psyched. (CHUCKLES)

All right,
I will see you out there.

All right.

LANCE: Hey, man.

Can I get a beer?

- Thanks for coming.
- No problem, bro.

How you feelin' though?

(EXHALES) Okay, you know,
you were right.

I called her.

I left a message.
She didn't call me back.

So... Whatever.

Sure you wanna watch this?

Yeah, I have to.

Madam Secretary,
I'd like to introduce you

to Lil Yachty.

He's going to be
performing after the speech.

Pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Yachty.

I'm a big-ass fan. I'm so
excited to vote for you.

- I'm sorry, it's game time.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

- (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES ON TV)

Good morning!

Thank you, everyone,
for being here with me today.

Let me start
by saying something

I haven't said since I was 16

and worked
at Blockbuster Video.

(LAUGHTER)

I quit...

- (CHUCKLES)
- I helped write that joke.

Oh, yeah?
That's a good joke.

...as secretary of state,

in order to run

for president of
the United States of America.

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLING) God bless.

And I'm honored

to have the full support
of President Chambers,

a man I greatly admire.

A man who is
an extraordinary leader.

Man, you know
who you should date?

Taylor Swift.

Hell, yeah.
I could see that.

Why... Why do you think
I could date Taylor Swift?

Fred, you were dating
Charlotte Field.

That's the most powerful woman
on Earth!

Oh, I get it.

I don't know what me and
Taylor Swift have in common.

Y'all white. Ya ain't got
a care in the world.

That's true.

But this campaign
is not about me.

It's about you.

It's about us.

(WOMAN WHOOPS)

It's about how together,

we can build the future
our fellow Americans deserve.

(ALL CHEERING)

I have dreamt
about this moment

(EXHALES) ever since
I was a little girl

growing up
in the nation's capital.

And I know
that if that young girl

could see me
standing up here right now...

(SIGHS)

She would be so...

(CLICKS TONGUE)

She would be...

What's happening?

She... She would be so
disappointed in me, actually.

Yeah, the truth is, that girl

would want me to be honest

and have integrity and not be

blackmailed by evil people
with evil agendas.

So instead, I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna tell the truth,
and whatever happens, happens.

- So here we go.
- (FEEDBACK ON MIC)

Parker Wembley
and our dumb-fuck president...

Whoo!

...are doing some
evil shit together.

And because
I just told you now,

they're going to release
a video of a guy I dated

jerking off all over himself.

Release the video.

Get the fucking thing online.
Get it online!

But don't slut shame me. I...

I like him.

I like him a lot.

Fred, you gotta go to her.

Go get her ass, man.

And he jerks off.

And so do all of you.

Hell, yeah!

So deal with it.

Deal with it, America.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

Hey! I'm Fred!

Is that an XL?

I've got five stars in it,

if you could speed
this shit up, man!

We'll give you extra tip,
real tip.

Not Uber tip! Cash tip!

- (ALL CLAMORING)
- AGENT M: Get back! Get back!

- Where are we going?
- I don't know.

(ALL CLAMORING)

MAGGIE: She's leaving?
Where is she going?

Shit, I don't know.
This isn't on the itinerary.

Tom, you have to think past
the itinerary!

I can't.

LANCE: Fred, I just got
a Wembley news alert

- with your name on it.
- FRED: Don't open it!

FRED: (ON VIDEO)
Oh, yeah! Oh, boy!

(LAUGHING) Oh, Fred!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Hey, it's all right, man.

You know,
we all got our things.

I don't bust a nut
on my face.

- But, like...
- It's not like a thing I do!

(GUFFAWS)

Do you think that'll,
like, go viral?

(SCOFFS) This is the news!

(LAUGHING) Oh, shit.

Excuse me. Move, damn it!
This man is in love.

Secretary Field
just drove away,

no comment
as to her destination.

We're gonna keep tracking
this story for you...

CAMERAMAN: Yo, check it out.
It's the come-guy!

- MAN: Yeah, that's him!
- REPORTER: Oh, sir,

just a couple of questions.
We're live right now.

No! I'm come-guy?

No comments at this time,
thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Do not touch him!
Do not touch him!

Hi.

Holy shit.

Did you see my speech?

Yeah. I think
everyone saw it.

Yeah.

You know,
your video's out there.

Yeah, I caught that.
(CHUCKLES)

Here's the deal.
I love you.

I know I do.

Because I've never been
so scared in my entire life.

And I once shared an elevator
with Saddam Hussein.

Just me and Saddam.

And this is way scarier.

I love you.

Okay, you're really gonna have
to say something right now.

'Cause I'm freaking out.

I've been in love with you
since I was 12 years old.

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(CHUCKLES)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Oh.

Hello?

Hey, Fred, uh, there's
a million people out here

and they want to talk to the
candidate and the come-guy.

So, I figured they'd hit you.

(ALL CHEERING)

LANCE: Fred!

Fred!

A crazy day.

But I'm really glad
you're all here.

I'd like to introduce you
to someone.

This is Fred.

Hi, there.

- My boyfriend.
- (ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

You kind of
know him already,

but you'll get to
know him a lot more

in the next few months...

'Cause he's gonna be right by
my side on my campaign trail.

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING LOUDER)

Wakanda Forever!

Charlotte! Charlotte!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Charlotte! Charlotte!

LANCE: I started the chant!

I started that chant!

...that I will
faithfully execute

the office of the president
of the United States.

REPORTER:
What a momentous day,

our first female president.

I never thought I'd see it.

Well, I mean, a lot of people
are gonna say

this is a historic moment
for women everywhere,

but do we really want
her finger on the button

when it's that time
of the month?

I wouldn't want
my wife making any decision

during that time
of the month.

You know what?
Fuck you guys. I quit.

Looks like it's someone's
time of the month.

- (LAUGHS) Oh!
- Looks like Aunt Flow

is going to work down at
the Red River Casino... Oh!

Jesus Christ!
Quick, quick, cut!

Hi! I'm the First Mister of
the United States of America.

My name is Fred Field.

I took my wife's last name.

And, uh, I'm gonna give you
a tour of the White House.

We're starting with the
portraits of the first spouses.

Here we have
Mamie Eisenhower.

Jackie Kennedy.

We have the beautiful
Lady Bird Johnson's portrait.

And that leads us
into my portrait.

It was painted by
Todd McFarlane,

who created the Spawn comics,
of course.

The first versions
were a little over the top.

Hi, guys.

FRED: I used to think the best
way for me to change the world,

to make it a better place
was through journalism.

Then I realized
that's not at all the case.

Really, the best thing I could
be doing for the world

is just supporting
this amazing person

and just trying to
learn from her

and kinda just trying to be

the best first mister
I can be.

I actually got a tattoo
of the first mister insignia.

- He did.
- There we are.

CHARLOTTE:
You're wearing mittens.

FRED: Got little mittens on.

If you think of where this tattoo
started to where it ended up.

It really has
an amazing arc to it.

INTERVIEWER: What are some of
the perks of your new roles?

Well, I finally get to enact
my vision for America.

I finally got to find out
who killed Kennedy.

- Oh, my God. Don't you dare.
- I won't say.

- Don't.
- I won't say.

Fred, I'm not
kidding around.

It's not who you think!

Don't do it.

It's pretty surprising.

He's my Mister.

I'm her Mister.
And she's my president.