Live Nude Girls (2014) - full transcript

OUR CROSS COUNTRY ODYSSEY
COMES TO A CLOSE

AS OUR HEROES APPROACH EL
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

WHERE DESTINY AWAITS.

COME ON, MAN.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FUN
FOR LIKE 300 MILES.

SAY SOMETHING, COME ON.

OK.

OK, HOW'S THIS?

TURN OFF THE FUCKING CAMERA
BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO DEATH

WITH IT AND BURY YOU ON
THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.

THE END.



CUT.

SORRY, BRO.
NO CAN DO, MAN.

THIS IS CINEMA VERITAS.

THIS IS GONNA BE
AWARD WINNING STUFF.

DOCUMENTING OUR INCREDIBLE
JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY HERE.

THE ONLY THING INCREDIBLE
WAS THAT I WAS ACTUALLY

STUPID ENOUGH TO BRING
YOU ALONG WITH ME.

WOAH.

WHERE IS THE GRATITUDE, MAN?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW I GAVE UP A
LOT TO MAKE THIS TRIP WITH YOU.

A LOT OF WHAT?

EVERYTHING.
MY HOME.

MY CAR. MY JOB.

YOUR HOME WAS YOUR CAR.



AND YOUR JOB WAS SELLING
WEED OUT OF THE TRUNK.

MAY I REMIND YOU THAT
YOU'RE ALSO UNEMPLOYED,

YET YOU SPENT A SMALL FORTUNE
ON THIS FRUIT MOBILE.

THIS CAR IS A
COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

*

IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH
LIKE TEN TIMES WHAT I PAID

FOR IT IN A FEW YEARS.

OR NOTHING IN LIKE ONE YEAR
WHEN THE SHOW'S OFF THE AIR

AND YOU LOOK LIKE
A DOUCHE BAG.

DAVID HASSELHOFF DOESN'T
LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE BAG.

DAVID HASSELHOFF
IS A PUSSY MAGNET.

WELL, EXCUSE ME, MICHAEL
KNIGHT, FINANCIAL ADVISOR.

THIS CAR IS AN INVESTMENT.

WHATEVER I END UP SELLING IT
FOR, IT'S STILL NOT GOING TO BE

ENOUGH TO RECOUP MY LOSSES
FROM SUPPORTING YOUR ASS.

OH, EXCUSE ME, NOT
EVERYONE INHERITS THEIR

FAMILY FORTUNE. SORRY.

WHAT FORTUNE? I INHERITED
MY UNCLE'S STRIP CLUB.

YES. EXACTLY.

WHICH MAKES YOU THE
RICHEST MAN I KNOW.

SHANE NAMINSKI, MASTER
OF THE UNIVERSE.

WAIT, HOLY-

CHECK IT OUT, MAN.

WOW. WE MADE IT.

WOOHOO!

WE MADE IT.

FORTUNE FAVORS
THE BOLD, BABY.

IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

BUTCH AND SUNDANCE.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.

BARTLES AND JAYMES.

CHEECH AND FUCKING
CHONG, BRO.

THIS IS IT?

WHAT'S IT LIKE INSIDE, MAN?

IS IT TOTALLY INSANE.

IT'S PACKED EVERY NIGHT.

WALL TO WALL.

MY UNCLE PRACTICALLY
INVENTED THE STRIP CLUB.

WHY'D HE LEAVE IT
TO YOU ANYWAY?

BECAUSE I'M AWESOME.

BRILLIANT.

CHARMING.

AND I WAS THE ONLY RELATIVE
HE WAS STILL SPEAKING WITH

WHEN HE DIED.

WOW.

DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE.

[TONE]

YEAH.

[SIGHS]

HEY EVERYBODY.

I'M TOMMY "7"

THE... DIRECTOR OF THIS
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE.

I HAPPENED UPON
A VIDEO CAMERA.

I THINK I HAVE
THE EYE FOR FILMS.

I'VE CERTAINLY SEEN ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON-

HEY, GUYS, I'M TRYING TO
FILM SOMETHING OVER HERE.

THERE'S GONNA BE,
YOU KNOW, THRILLS, CHILLS,

TITTIES, PILLS.

ALL OF THAT.

A WORLD THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
THROUGH THE EYES OF TOMMY "7".

[TALKING IN THE BACKGROUND]

ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME?

I'M TRYING TO FUCKING
FILM OVER HERE.

*

YOU THINK WE'RE UNDERDRESSED?

MAYBE I SHOULD'VE WORN A TIE.

MAYBE I SHOULD'VE WORN SOCKS.

THIS IS CASHED.

HEY, GENTLEMEN.

TOP OF THE MORNING.

WELCOME TO PARADISE.

SADLY, YOU MISSED
AMBER'S SET,

BUT YOU'RE IN LUCK 'CUZ
SHE'S STILL WORKING IN A

FREELANCE CAPACITY.

[GIGGLING]
I'M ALWAYS WORKING.

ALWAYS.

THANKS, BUT WE'RE GOOD.

NOT, AS GOOD AS ME, BABY.

[SIGHS]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT DIDN'T WORK.

JAZZ HANDS!

IT'S THE FIREWORKS
OF YOUR TITS.

HOW MANY TIMES DO
I GOTTA SAY THIS?

THAT WAS A TOTAL
COCK BLOCK MOVE.

WHAT ELSE WAS
I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I.D.S, FELLAS.

[CHUCKLES] DUDE,
I'VE GOT UNDERWEAR

THAT ARE OLD ENOUGH
TO DRINK, COME ON.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY THE STATE
OF CALIFORNIA DOESN'T RECOGNIZE

YOUR UNDEROOS AS A VALID
FORM OF IDENTIFICATION.

LET THE GUY DO
HIS JOB, TOMMY.

KISS ASS.

SHANE NAM-
YOU'RE ERNIE'S NEPHEW.

YEAH.

SORRY FOR CARDING YOU, BRO.

NO WORRIES,
I'M GLAD YOU DID.

I'M PAULIE.

REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR UNCLE.

HE'S A GOOD MAN.

HE HIRED ME HERE AND
HE REALLY SHOULDN'T OF.

PAULIE? PAULIE?
I'M COMING, I'M COMING.

ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND,
I'M HERE, I'M HERE, I'M HERE.

COMING, AND I'M HERE.

I'M ALSO A LITTLE FUCKED UP.

[GIGGLING]

LAYLA, THIS IS SHANE.

HE'S THE NEW OWNER.

HI.

[LAUGHING]
OWNER.

RIGHT. SEE YA.

[LAUGHING]

WAIT, DON'T RUN, COME ON.

REMEMBER, THE COMMON
MAN SEEKS ONLY COMFORT.

THE WISE MAN
SEARCHES FOR VIRTUE.

WALK TALL.

RIGHT.

WALK TALL.

*

OH, LOOK AT THAT ONE.

I SEE HER.

GIVE IT UP FOR SANDY.

COME ON, GUYS, HELP HER OUT.

SHE'S SUPPORTING A
DRUMMER AND A CRANK HABIT.

WE SHOULD CHECK HIS-
THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

-LICENSE AND HIS CREDIT CARD.

SOMEBODY CLAP FOR HER.

[CLAPS]

OH MY GOD.

CHECK HER OUT.

HOME SWEET HOME.

THIS IS NOT HOW I REMEMBER IT.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

IT'S LIKE OUR OWN CLUB HOUSE.

ALL TO OURSELVES.

PARTY TIME.

I NEED SOME OF THIS.

HEY.
-HEY.

WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

NOBODY.

THANKS, OFFICER.

DUDE, THIS PLACE IS
TRULY FUCKING-

AWESOME.

NO SHIT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

COME ON, TOMMY.

HEY, YOU WORK HERE.
-YEAH.

CAN WE GET SOME HELP?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'LL HAVE A COKE.

COKE?
8 BALL?

YEAH.
-NO!

I CAN GET IT.

I KNOW A GUY WITH A BIG
ASS BOAT FULL OF COKE.

IT'S COKE BOATS.

I WAS ON IT.

YOU GUYS SHOULD
HAVE BEEN ON IT.

I SAW GUNS,

COCK FIGHTING,

MIDGET HOOKERS,

DURAN DURAN WAS
WATERSKIING OFF THE BACK

AND I WAS AT THE
RAIL AT THE BRIDGE.

WAIT, YOU'VE NEVER
BEEN ON A FUCKING BOAT.

I WAS.

I AM SINBAD, BITCH.

BUT NOT THE COMEDIAN.

THAT WAS ON STAR
SEARCH RECENTLY.

HE'S- HE'S GONNA
BE HUGE ONEDAY.

BUT NOT AS HUGE
AS THAT COKE BOAT.

IF YOU WANNA SEE HOW
A BOAT REALLY WORKS,

I COULD SHOW YOU

THE UDDER,
EVERYTHING, THE WHEEL.

[LAUGHING]

WELCOME TO THE LOVE BOAT.

AH!

OOH.

THAT SINBAD IS
NO HOWIE MANDEL.

[MOANING]

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

AND THEM.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

I'M LOOKING FOR HARRY.

OH MY GOD.

YOU'RE ERNIE'S NEPHEW.

YEAH, I'M SHANE.

SORRY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, HE HAD PICTURES
OF YOU EVERYWHERE.

SO...

YOU'RE THE BIG HOTSHOT
WALL STREET GUY, HUH?

NOT ANY MORE.

I USED TO BE.

IT'S- IT'S A LONG, SAD STORY.

WELL, YOU GOT A SHORT VERSION?

OK...

A SHORT VERSION.

BIG SHOT WALL STREET
GUY LOSES HIS JOB,

GOES BROKE, GOES CRAZY.

HIS UNCLE LEAVES HIM A
STRIP CLUB IN LOS ANGELES.

PAULIE!

OH, YOU'RE SO FUCKING HOT.

HE'S THROWING PENNIES AT ME.

OH, AND BRINGS HIS IDIOT
MANCHILD BEST FRIEND WITH HIM.

THAT IS A SAD STORY.

YEAH, I WARNED YOU.

HARRY'S IN THE OFFICE.

FOLLOW ME.
-THANKS.

I COULD USE SOME
FRIED CHICKEN.

I'M-
-I'M PAULIE.

AND I'M-
-I WORK THE DOOR.

I'M OFFICER PARKER.

I'M FROM MENASHA, WISCONSIN.

SO, WHAT BROUGHT
YOU TO LOS ANGELES?

WELL, I ACCIDENTALLY
SHOT A COW.

I HAD TO TRANSFER OUT.

SO...

L.A. SEEMED LIKE IT WAS
A GOOD PLACE TO GO.

AND THIS IS HARRY'S OFFICE.

HARRY?

YOU MUST BE SHANE
THE WONDER BOY.

THIS IS HARRY.

HE'S OUR MANAGER.

SLASH PRODUCER.

SLASH TALENT COORDINATOR.

SLASH OWNER.

OWNER?

YOU AND ERNIE WERE PARTNERS?

YEAH.

HOW MUCH DO YOU OWN?

WELL IT WAS ORIGINALLY 50%
BUT OVER THE YEARS,

I'VE HAD TO SELL BACK
A BIT HERE AND THERE,

SO IT'S A LITTLE LESS.

HOW MUCH LESS?

I THINK MY OWNERSHIP
STAKE STANDS AT 3.5%.

SO...

HERE'S TO THE NEW PARTNER.

UP THE EMPIRE.

[PILLS DROPPING]

HARRY...
I'LL GET IT.

OH FUCK.

OH.

THAT IS- THAT IS A FEAST.

OH I WOULD LOVE TO STUFF
THAT WITH CORN BREAD

AND GIBLETS AND BACON

AT 400 DEGREES AND
SERVE IT FAMILY STYLE.

YOU ARE NEVER GETTING
NEAR MY KITCHEN, HARRY.

NEVER? EVER?
-NEVER.

OH COME ON, THANKSGIVING
IS COMING UP.

YEAH, NOT SOON ENOUGH.

ALRIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I NEED A DRINK.

YOU DON'T NEED ANOTHER DRINK.

OH, I DO.

SO, UH...

I GUESS WE SHOULD
TALK BUSINESS.

YEAH.

LET'S DO THAT.

LET'S-
LET'S CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS.

LET'S SPREAD OUT
SOME SPREAD SHEETS.

OK, UH...

GREAT. SO UH...

GENERALLY SPEAKING,
CASH FLOW,

WHAT'S THE BIG
PICTURE LOOK LIKE?

UH, IT LOOKS A
LOT LIKE TITANIC.

YOU KNOW, POST ICEBERG.

YOU KNOW, IF EVERYTHING WAS
ALSO ON FIRE, AND THEY WERE

SURROUNDED BY EXPLODING SHARKS.

AND EVERYONE HAD LEUKEMIA
AND DID A LOT OF BLOW.

SO, NOT GOOD?

NO.

NOT GOOD, NO.

BUSINESS IS DOWN.

IN FACT, BUSINESS IS FUCKED.

FUCKED IN THE ASS.

NOW, I WOULD LOVE TO STAY
HERE AND FREAK THE FUCK OUT

WITH YOU ALL DAY, BUT...

I'M NOT NEARLY DRUNK ENOUGH TO
BALANCE OUT ALL THESE WONDERFUL

MEDS, SO I'M GONNA REMEDY
THAT SITUATION RIGHT AWAY.

I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK.

OK.

I NEED A DOUBLE
BOURBON AND AN ENEMA.

WELCOME ABOARD.

HEY, UH...

HAVE YOU SEEN
MY FRIEND TOMMY?

NO.

NOT FOR AWHILE.

[SCREAMING]

AM I BLOWING YOUR MIND?

[MOANING]

SAY MY NAME, SAY MY NAME.

JEFF, JEFF.

MY NAME IS JOSH.

I'M SORRY...

TOMMY,

WE SHOULD FORM A BAND.

WE SHOULD.

I'VE BEEN TOLD I'VE
GOT A GOLDEN VOICE.

[TONE]

I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THIS, DERRINGER.

LIKE, CAN WE-
CAN YOU GO DO SOMETHING

PRODUCTIVE INSTEAD OF
PRETENDING TO BE

STEVEN SPIELBERG?

DO YOU FEEL LIKE PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN RESPECTING YOUR

AUTHORITY HERE SINCE YOU
TOOK OVER THE STRIP CLUB?

YEAH, I THINK THE BUSINESS
MODEL I'VE REDESIGNED HERE

IS TAKING EFFECT.

I THINK THINGS ARE
FALLING INTO PLACE.

AND, UH, GOOD LEADERSHIP
IS ABOUT DISCIPLINE.

I RUN A TIGHT SHIP.

AND THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE RESPECT.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S
REALLY ALL ABOUT.

RESPECT.

[WHISTLING]

[PANTING]

[SCREAMING]

COME ON, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

UH, YOU'RE JUST
BANGING THE SIDES NOW.

[KNOCKING]
HEY GUYS.

[SCREAMING]

HEY! HEY!

HEY!

[SCREAMING]

COME ON.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC]

WOAH, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

NOT COOL AT ALL, BRO.

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

WITH MY KEY.

I'M THE NEW OWNER.

CAN YOU TURN THE MUSIC DOWN?

SORRY, THAT TUNE JUST
DRIVES HER CRAZY.

[SIGHS]

I'M DOING MY MASTERS THESIS ON
SEXUAL MOTIFS IN 19TH CENTURY

GERMAN ORCHESTRA MUSIC.

UH, GOOD FOR YOU.

STAY IN SCHOOL.

SAGE ADVICE, BOSS.

SO, WE COOL?

NO, WE'RE NOT COOL.

[CHEERING]

TOMMY SAID IT WAS COOL.

[SINGING]

I AIN'T GOT NOBODY.

-NOBODY, NOBODY, NOBODY.

IS THIS NOT COOL?

SHANE, DID I DO
SOMETHING WRONG?

BESIDES DRESSING LIKE CALIGULA
AND BANGING THE ENTIRE STAFF?

NO.

I'M JUST TRYING
TO BOOST MORALE.

IT'S MANAGEMENT 101.

YOU SHOULD READ DALE CARNEGIE.

DALE CARNEGIE
DOESN'T WORK HERE.

AND IF YOU KEEP HAVING ALL
NIGHT NAKED MORALE SESSIONS,

YOU WON'T BE EITHER.

LOOSEN UP, MAN.

JUST HAVE A SIP.

GET 'EM OUT NOW.

PLEASE.

[GROANING]

OH, MAN.

EAT A DICK.

GOOD MEETING.

HIT IT!

[ALL SINGING]

I AIN'T GOT NOBODY!

WOO, YEAH!

[TOMMY]
WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT ME IN GENERAL?

DO YOU THINK I'VE BRIGHTENED
UP THIS PLACE SINCE I GOT HERE?

LIKE A FUCKING LILY.

LIKE A BEAUTIFUL LILY.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

YOUR ENERGY IS LIKE

A TIDAL WAVE OF BUTTERFLIES.

BUT THEY'RE ALL FUCKING
COOL BUTTERFLIES.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE CLASSY BUTTERFLIES.

YEAH.

WITH LIKE- MAYBE LIKE

LIKE MEMBERS ONLY JACKETS
WITH GOLD CHAINS-

BUT A TOP HAT EXTRA
AND A MONOCLE.

YES.
YES, PITT.

*

I CAN'T MAKE ANY SENSE OUT
OF THESE FINANCIAL RECORDS.

WHAT KIND OF BOOK
KEEPING IS THIS?

IMPROVISATIONAL.

YEAH, MORE LIKE IRRATIONAL.

EH, POTATO, POTAHTO.

HARRY, YOU GOT A MINUTO?

HEY, PITT, YEAH,
COME ON UP HERE.

SHANE, THIS IS PITT REDMAN.

AND THIS IS HIS
LOVELY LADY CHANCY.

AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU.

JUST SO YOU KNOW I THINK OF
THIS CLUB LESS AS A CUSTOMER,

MORE OF A SECOND FAMILY.

[LAUGHING]

WHICH IS REALLY GOOD BECAUSE
HIS FAMILY ARE ASSHOLES.

SO WAIT, YOU WORK
FOR THE CLUB?

YEAH- YEAH.

PITT REDMAN HERE IS AN
INDESPENSIBLE PART

OF THIS OPERATION.

OPERATION.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE GAME.

DID YOU EVER PLAY IT?

YOU TAKE THE TWEEZERS AND YOU
GOTTA GET OUT HIS LITTLE

FUNNY BONE AND THEN YOU
MISS AND IT RRRRR.

IT'S SO FUN.

YOU KILL THE GUY EVERY TIME.

WE SHOULD HAVE A GAME
NIGHT AND PLAY THAT.

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO HERE?

DO YOU GUYS LOVE CLUE?

OR MONOPOLY?
WE COULD PLAY MONOPOLY.

I CALL TOP HAT RIGHT NOW.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE
THE LITTLE FUCKING IRON.

EVERYTIME I HAVE TO
GET THE IRON

AND IT MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE I'M DOING HOUSEWORK.

OK, HON, SOMETIMES WE TALK
ABOUT YOU BEING OVERBEARING.

-NO I DON'T.
AND TALKING SHIT.

-NOPE. NO WE DON'T.
-YES WE DO.

AND YOU SAID NAME ONE TIME
THAT I'VE EVER DONE THAT.

YEAH, NAME ONE.
NAME ONE.

AND I SAID ALL THE TIME.

-NUH UH. NO.
AND YOU SAID FUCK YOU,

I HAVEN'T EVEN
DONE THAT ONE TIME.

WELL GUESS WHAT-
-YEAH FUCK YOU-

THIS IS THE TIME.

IT IS?

RIGHT NOW.

I'M SOWWY.

IT'S OK.

[KISSING]

EXCUSE ME GUYS.

WHAT IS IT EXACTLY
THAT WE PAY YOU FOR?

UH, MY TITLE IS...

FOOD AND BEVERAGE SUPPLY.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, HERE IS
THE FOOD AND BEVERAGE ORDER.

AHH.

FOOD AND BEVERAGE
SUPPLY- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,

YOU'RE THE GUY WE'RE PAYING FOR
EVERY MONTH FOR ALL THIS STUFF.

SHANE.

EVERY THRIVING BUSINESS HAS A
CERTAIN COST STRUCTURE, RIGHT?

I MEAN YOU'VE GOT TO
SPEND MONEY TO MAKE MONEY.

WE'RE NOT THRIVING
OR MAKING MONEY.

AND WE DON'T SERVE FOOD.

I MEAN WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

$600 A MONTH FOR
CHICKEN WINGS?

IT'S CODE FOR WEED.

NO, IT IS NOT.

THAT IS CODE FOR PERCODAN.

YES, SHRIMP COCKTAIL
IS CODE FOR WEED.

$500 A MONTH FOR BLUE CRAB.

WHAT'S BLUE CRAB CODE FOR?

WELL, THAT'S
ACTUALLY BLUE CRAB.

MY UNCLE DALE HAS A FISHING
LICENSE IN MARYLAND.

HARRY LOVES THE BLUES.

IT IS GOOD.

YOU KNOW, YOU COOK IT WITH
SOME WINE AND SOME BUTTER.

IT'S JUST- IT'S
HEAVEN IN YOUR MOUTH.

YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME, SHANE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, AS
OF RIGHT NOW GUYS,

NO MORE INVOICES FOR BLUE
CRAB OR ANYTHING ELSE.

NO FOOD. THAT'S IT.

YOU KNOW, THAT IS GOOD.

I DON'T LIKE
THE I.R.S. EITHER.

NO PAPER TRAIL.

YOU'RE AMAZING.

GOOD IDEA, SHANE.

BUT THIS ISN'T GOING TO
EFFECT CHANCY'S SALARY

OR POSITION AT ALL?

SHE WORKS HERE?
WHAT DO YOU DO HERE?

I'VE BEEN A DANCER
HERE FOR YEARS.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU DANCE.

WELL, SHANE, SHE IS NOT
A STAGE DANCER AS SUCH.

SHE'S MORE OF A FLOOR DANCER.

MORE OF A HOSTESS.

SLASH DANCER.

YOU KNOW, STUFF THAT BETTER
SUITS HER PARTICULAR SKILL SET.

UH, WHAT SKILL SET?

SHE HAS A CLUB FOOT.

THIS IS NOT A CLUB FOOT.

YEAH, TECHNICALLY
THAT'S A HAMMER TOE.

AND YOU COULD HAVE THAT
SURGICALLY CORRECTED.

I DON'T LIKE NEEDLES.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT,
THAT'S IT.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO
BE DANCING HERE,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE DANCING
UP THERE, ON STAGE, AND-

AND- HARRY, JUST GET
YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, MAN.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

HE'S NOT SERIOUS ABOUT
THAT DANCING THING, IS HE?

OH GOD, NO.

NO.

GOD, NO.

*

YOU DON'T REMEMBER LIKE
ONE TIME WHEN I DID THIS?

OH, OK.

REMEMBER THAT?

IT'S ALL COMING
BACK TO ME NOW.

I WASN'T PARTICULARLY
STARING AT ANYTHING BUT...

BUT THE FRANKENSHOES.

NO, I KNOW YOU
WERE LOOKING AT IT.

SO I WAS LIKE, FINE, I'LL
JUST FUCKING BRING IT OUT.

I'LL JUST BRING IT OUT,
'CUZ YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT.

RIGHT HERE.

OK. GOD.

HERE, HERE.

WHAT? NOTHING. NOTHING?

WELL I MEAN YOU'RE
STILL WEARING A BRA.

NOTHING. NOTHING.

HUH, NOTHING?

YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.

NO, JUST THIS, RIGHT?

YEAH, I GOT THAT.

I CAN FIX IT.

BUT I DON'T WANNA.

*

IRONY IS THE ALIBI OF FETISH.

[TOMMY]
SO, WERE YOU A POLICE
OFFICER IN WISCONSIN?

I WAS AND THEN
I SHOT THE COW,

AND THEN I WASN'T.

YOU TOLD ME IT WAS
A DOMESTIC DISPUTE.

YEAH, I HAD A PROBLEM
WITH THAT COW.

I'M JIMMY.

AND I'M JOSH.

AND OUR DAD, HARRY
RUNS THIS PLACE.

WELL, MY DAD RUNS THIS PLACE.

HE'S ADOPTED.

HE'S JUST AS MUCH MY
DAD AS HE IS YOURS.

YOU KNOW THAT?

DAD PUT ME IN CHARGE BECAUSE
I'M HIS REAL KID, OK?

DO YOU HAVE DAD'S
HOME NUMBER?

WATCH THIS.

WHAT'S HIS HOME NUMBER?

I DON'T HAVE TO CALL HIM.

WE HAVE A RELATIONSHIP
WHERE I CAN JUST SEE HIM.

YOU HAVE A SEVERE
DRUG PROBLEM.

YOU CAN'T STOP
EATING NUTS, OK?

AND YOU'RE A FAKE.

TEARS IN 3, 2, 1.

[SOBBING]

SCREW YOU, JIMMY.

[CRYING]

ONE OF LIFE'S LITTLE
PLEASURES, MAN.

*

[JOSH]
ALRIGHT, GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO DEJA VU

IN BEAUTIFUL
DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES.

I'M YOUR HOST JOSH.

THE JAY DOG.

J LOVER. JJ VITTLES.

ALSO ANSWERS TO FUCK STICK.

SHUT IT.

AND QUIT EATING MY PIZZA.

NO. IT'S MY PIZZA.

THAT'S BULLSHIT,
IT'S MY PIZZA.

DAD SAID THAT WE
SHARE EVERYTHING.

NOT PIZZA, DICK.

*

I WANT YOU TO BE
HONEST WITH ME.

DO YOU THINK I HAVE
A DRUG PROBLEM?

WHAT IS THAT?

YOGURT.

IS IT LIKE ICE CREAM
OR IS IT...?

IT'S LIKE SAD ICE CREAM.

IT'S OK, NEW GIRL.

YOU CAN TOUCH THEM.

THEY DON'T BITE,
BUT UM, I DO.

-SORRY.

[LAUGHING]

OH, SWEETIE, YOU NEED
TO GET A PAIR.

YOU'LL FEEL LIKE
A WHOLE NEW WOMAN.

...I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU REALLY THINK BIGGER
BOOBS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE?

NO, BUT UM...

THEY WILL PAY YOUR RENT.

OH.
[LAUGHING]

AND YOUR VISA AND YOUR STUDENT
LOANS AND YOU CABLE BILL.

OH, OK.

BUT HOW MUCH DO THEY COST?

HELL IF I KNOW, I
DIDN'T PAY FOR 'EM.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

GUYS SAY THEY ALWAYS
LIKE MY SMALLER BOOBS.

HA!

JUST INTRODUCE ME.

[JOSH]
ALRIGHT, GENTLEMEN.

GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR EMCEE AND
WORLD CLASS PRICK ON WHEELS.

THE SEMI RETARDED
JIMMY HOROWITZ.

[JIMMY]
ALRIGHT GUYS, GIVE IT UP FOR
THE DUMBEST DJ ON THE PLANET.

CAN I GET A LIGHT?

STEVIE WONDER,
GET ME RIGHT HERE.

OH MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S PROBABLY MORE
PEOPLE AT A DONKEY SHOW.

AND IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN A
DONKEY SHOW, TALK MY BROTHER-

HE'S BLOWN A COUPLE DONKEY'S
IN HIS LIFE, OK.

HI.
-HI.

I GET OFF IN AN HOUR.

WANNA GET OFF WITH ME?

HOW DO YOU GET A
GUY TO PAY FOR THEM?

GOOD NIGHT TO YOU EVERYBODY!

KROL IS HERE, BABIES.

WHY DON'T YOU
ASK HIM YOURSELF?

KROL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME YOU WERE COMING?

WELL BECAUSE I WANTED
TO SURPRISE YOU

AND MY TWO MOST FAVORITE
GIRLS IN THE WORLD.

HELLO PRETTY LADIES.

[GIGGLING]

HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

DID YOU MISS YOUR UNCLE KROL?

I MISSED YOU.

THEY SEEM SAD.

THEY'RE A LITTLE SLEEPY.

WELL LET'S SWING THEM
UP AND LET'S TAKE THEM

DISCO DANCING, BABY.

EVERYBODY, ALL THE GIRLS,
DISCO DANCING, YEAH!

[JIMMY]
GET YOUR DICKS UP AND
YOUR WALLETS OUT BOYS,

'CUZ IT'S TIME FOR
YOUR HEADLINER.

DIRECT FROM A
GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY,

THE ONE, THE ONLY,

MISS BOOTS!

DRINK UP, BABY.

IT'S SHOW TIME.

*

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,
BUT I GOTTA BOBBA FETT-ISH.

*

COME ON, LADIES.

SHOW ME YOUR WOOKIE.

[WOOKIE SOUNDS]

[LIGHT SABER SOUNDS]

THESE ARE NOT THE STRIPPERS
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

THOSE ARE AVAILABLE IN OUR
PRIVATE VIP DANCE ROOMS.

*

AUNT NANCY?

I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY JUST
BLEW UP MY DEATH STAR.

GIVE IT UP FOR BOOTS,
COME ON.

PEOPLE HAVE PET
COWS IN WISCONSIN.

UM...

LISTEN, YOU WEREN'T THERE.

IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.

BUT IT GOT HEAVY QUICKLY.

I NEVER HEARD "COW" BEFORE.

I ALWAYS HEARD "SALLY".

YES.

THE COW'S NAME WAS SALLY.

HI! YOU MUST BE SHANE.

YEAH, UH...
GOD, I- UH-

I'LL COME BACK
WHEN YOU'RE DECENT.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

THEN YOU'LL NEVER BE BACK.

[JIMMY]
WE NEED A DANCER UP HERE.

YOU'RE UP NEXT.
-OH!

YOU HAVE TO PUT SOMETHING
ON TO TAKE SOMETHING OFF.

OH, COME ON BABY, LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE TONIGHT.

NO, I CAN'T-

-HEY, NANCY.

[GASPS]
SHANE, OH MY GOD.

OOH! MY BABY.

YOU'VE COME BACK TO ME.

HEY...
HI.

HI.

MOMMY'S GONNA TUCK
YOU IN LATER, OK?

BABY NEEDS YOU.

I'M GONNA PLAY WITH
THE DRAGON LATER.

WELL...

WELCOME BACK, GORGEOUS.

THANKS, AUNT NANCY.

UH, DON'T CALL ME THAT, OK?

NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS
I WAS WITH YOUR UNCLE,

I WAS REALLY
NEVER YOUR AUNT.

RIGHT.

SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO CALL YOU THEN?

CALL ME BOOTS.

EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HERE DOES.

OK, BOOTS.

WOW.

YOU GREW UP SO HANDSOME.

IT'S A GOOD THING WE'RE, UH...

NOT RELATED.

I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO
KEEP MY HANDS OFF YOU.

[LAUGHS]

I'M JUST KIDDING,
SHANE, COME ON.

COME SIT BY ME AND
LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

SURE.

MMM.

LET'S DO A TOAST.

TO ERNIE.

GREATEST MAN I EVER KNEW.

HE HAD A BEAUTIFUL SPIRIT
AND A HEART OF GOLD.

AND THAT HUGE COCK TOO.

[LAUGHS]

SORRY YOU COULDN'T
BE AT THE FUNERAL.

WE HAD A GOOD TIME.

ATE SOME MUSHROOMS, SNORTED
RAILS OFF THE COFFIN.

PARTIED OUR TITS OFF.

SOUNDS LIKE A LOVELY TRIBUTE.

WHERE YOU STAYING?

YOU CAN CRASH WITH ME.

BET WE'D HAVE FUN.

YOU LOOK LIKE FUN.

YEAH, I AM FUN.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW THERE WERE MANY
NIGHTS I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

WHEN YOU WERE LIVING WITH
US, GOING TO COLLEGE.

HM.

I WAS SO TEMPTED TO JUST
SNEAK INTO YOUR ROOM

AND BANG THE LIVING
JIZZ OUT OF YOU.

OH, THAT'S UH...

THAT'S A GREAT STORY.

YOU REALLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT?

NOPE.

NO, I DID NOT KNOW.

NOW, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

IT'S NOT SUCH A BAD THING TO
HAVE IN YOUR HEAD NOW, IS IT?

UH, UM, UH...

ACTUALLY IT UH...

IT MIGHT BE.

BECAUSE UH, I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL
BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON THOSE-

ON THE WORK- I DON'T KNOW IF
I'LL BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE

ON THE WORK, UH, SINCE
WE'RE GONNA BE WORKING-

WORKING TOGETHER
AND EVERYTHING.

WHY WOULD WE BE
WORKING TOGETHER?

I'M TAKING OVER THE CLUB.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MY UNCLE ERNIE, HE
LEFT ME THE CLUB.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THEY- THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU?

NOBODY FUCKING
TOLD ME ANYTHING.

[SCREAMS]

THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!

WHAT, 20 YEARS OF
FUCKING ME WASN'T ENOUGH?

NOW HE WANTS TO FUCK
ME FROM THE GRAVE!

BOOTS, JESUS, CALM DOWN.

CALL ME AUNT NANCY.

FUCK EVERYONE!

FUCK THIS FUCKING
PLACE AND FUCK YOU!

AUNT NANCY!

WHAT THE FUCK IS
GOING ON AROUND HERE?

COME ON NANCY?
-FUCK YOU!

DON'T FUCKING BE LIKE THAT.

FUCK.

GALLAGHER'S A
FUCKING GENIUS, DUDE.

CALL ME A FUCKING CAB.

RIGHT NOW?

YEAH, RIGHT NOW.

FUCK.

SO, YOUR AUNT SEEMS
A WEE BIT UPSET.

WHAT'S THE WORD?

THE WORD IS FUCK IT.

WELL, THAT'S
ACTUALLY TWO WORDS.

YOU WERE IN THE ARMY, RIGHT?

MARINE CORPS.

WHY'D YOU QUIT?

MOONED IT.
-WHERE?

GRANADA.

GRENADA.

HOWEVER YOU SAY IT.

SO, MAYBE YOU'RE OFF
TO A ROUGH START.

ROME WASN'T BUILT
IN A DAY, MAN.

YOU JUST NEED TO GET THAT BIG
FAT BRAIN OF YOURS WORKING.

COME UP WITH A NEW PLAN.

THIS PLACE IS A SINKING SHIP.

IT'S ON FIRE AND UNDERWATER.

DOOMED.

SO MAYBE IT'S A CLUSTERFUCK.

BUT THERE ARE LIKE COSMIC
FORCES AT WORK HERE, BRO.

COSMIC FORCES?

YES, YOU'RE LIKE
UNCIRCUMSIZED MOSES.

CHOSEN TO LEAD THESE
LOST NAKED SOULS WHILE

THEY'RE WANDERING
THROUGH THE DESERT

LIKE BACK TO THE FUCKING
PROMISED LAND, MAN.

MOSES CAN NOT QUIT.

ARE YOU ON CRANK?

IT'S FUCKING BIBLICAL, MAN.

YOU JUST NEED TO
FIND A BURNING BUSH.

AND WHAT BETTER PLACE
THAN THIS PLACE TO LOOK

FOR HOT BUSH, MAN.

WELL, THANKS FOR THE
IRRATIONAL FUCKING PEP TALK.

BUT NOTHING SHORT OF A
MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE IS GONNA

SAVE THIS FREAK SHOW OR
STOP FROM SHUTTING IT DOWN.

IT'S OVER.

FUCK IT.

YOU'VE CHANGED, MAN.

YOU HAVEN'T.

BOOTS, CAN WE
TALK ABOUT THIS?

YOU WANT TO TALK?

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN
TALK TO MY LAWYERS.

BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO MAKE YOUR
LIFE REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

NOW GET OUT OF MY FACE!

YOU KNOW, I COULD UH GET
YOU HOME SAFE...

AND SOUND.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU WANT TO FUCK ME?

YES, MA'AM.

NOW, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

PATRIOTISM.

YOU WISH, SOLDIER.

SCREW YOU.

[HUMMING]

* AND THE SHORES OF TRIPOLI

*

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
MOVE TO CALIFORNIA

BECAUSE OF THE
PALM TREES.

COREY HAIM AND PALM TREES.

I LOVE PALM TREES.

[TOMMY]
WHY DO YOU LOVE PALM TREES?

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE CALIFORNIA.

WHERE ELSE YOU GONNA
FIND A PALM TREE AT?

NOWHERE.

NOT IN INDIANA.

THEY'RE LIKE CARTOON TREES.

SO CUTE.

GOOD MORNING.

WOW. YOU'RE HERE EARLY.

SOMEBODY HAS TO BE.

NOT A LOT OF EARLY
RISERS ON STAFF.

YEAH.

WHAT TIME DID TOMMY
LEAVE LAST NIGHT?

UM, HE DIDN'T.

FIRST TIME HE'S EVER BEEN
TO WORK EARLY IN HIS LIFE.

HEY, UH CALL EVERYBODY.

BOUNCERS, DANCERS, EVERYONE.

I NEED TO SEE THEM
HERE IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

HI THERE, I'M CHLOE.

UH... HI CHLOE.

WHY ARE YOU IN MY
OFFICE AND MOSTLY NAKED?

I CAME IN FOR A
JOB INTERVIEW.

THE MANANGER TOLD ME TO COME
BACK HERE TO THE OFFICE

AND PUT ON A COCKTAIL
WAITRESS UNIFORM.

THAT'S THE GUY.

YES, THAT IS THE MANAGER,

BUT THAT IS NOT THE COCKTAIL
WAITRESS UNIFORM.

IT'S NOT? SINCE WHEN?

IS THAT COFFEE?
-YES.

AH, GIVE IT TO ME.
I NEED IT MORE THAN YOU.

REALLY?
-YEP.

UNLESS YOU WERE UP HAVING ROUGH
SEX WITH THREE DRAG QUEENS

AND A DEEPLY CONFLICTED RODEO
COWBOY UNTIL 45 MINUTES AGO?

NO.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

[CHLOE]
SHOULD I COME BACK?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN?

PUT THESE BACK ON.

PRAY TELL, MISS THING.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
A DANSEUSE EXOTIQUE?

UH, WHAT?

PARDON MY FRENCH.

I MEAN THAT WAS
LITERALLY FRENCH.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN A STRIPPER?

OH, I AM NOT A STRIPPER.

I CAME IN HERE FOR
A WAITRESS JOB.

I WAS A WAITRESS BACK AT
STEAK AND SHAKE IN INDIANA.

FORT WAYNE.

SO MUCH FUN THERE.

WE HAVE THE JOHNNY APPLESEED
FESTIVAL IN THE SUMMER,

WHICH IS CRAZY.

AND WE HAVE OUR
OWN BASEBALL TEAM.

THE FORT WAYNE TIN CAPS.

YOU GOTTA HOUSE?

BABY, I GOT A TRAILER.

PERFECT, LET'S GO
TAKE A SHOWER.

MMM.

I WON A SILVER MEDAL AT WAYNE
JUNIOR COLLEGE FOR GYMNASTICS.

UNEVEN BARS.

YOU KNOW DIANE, THE BLONDE
LADY ON THAT TV SHOW CHEERS.

SHE'S FROM FORT WAYNE TOO.

I MISS INDIANA AND
FORT WAYNE SO MUCH.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

IS HE DEAD?

NO.

I DON'T HAVE THAT
KIND OF LUCK.

SO, WHAT BROUGHT YOU
OUT HERE FROM INDIANA?

A BUS.

NO, I MEAN...

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

BECAUSE OF SNAKES.

YOU'RE- YOU'RE
AFRAID OF SNAKES?

NO.

THEY CAN SEEM KIND OF
MEAN, BUT THEY'RE NOT.

THEY'RE SO SWEET.

AND, THEIR MUSIC IS SO RAD.

OH OK, SNAKES THE BAND?

DUH, YEAH.

THEY CAME INTO STEAK AND
SHAKE AFTER A SHOW,

AND THEY ASKED ME TO BE
IN THEIR NEXT MUSIC VIDEO.

UH HUH.

SO THEN WHAT?

IT STARTS WITH THEM
AT STEAK AND SHAKE.

I'M THE SHAKE GIRL, BUT I'M
NOT REALLY THE SHAKE GIRL.

AND THEN THE SNAKES
START ROCKING OUT,

AND THE WHOLE SHAKE MACHINE
EXPLODES AND ICE CREAM

AND EVERYTYHING WAS GETTING
ALL OVER MY FACE AND MY-

CHLOE, CHLOE, CHLOE,
TIME OUT.

WHY DID YOU END UP
HERE IN LOS ANGELES?

OH.

WELL, THE COPS PULLED OVER
THE TOUR BUS AND THEY FOUND

FOUR POUNDS OF HASH
IN THE BASS DRUM.

SO...

I'M KIND OF STRANDED.

I WOULD LOVE- I WOULD LOVE
TO HELP YOU OUT, CHLOE,

BUT WE'RE NOT HIRING AND UM...

LISTEN, I'VE GOT A MEETING.

IF YOU WAIT, I'LL GIVE
YOU A RIDE TO THE BUS.

OK?

AWW, THANKS.
THAT'D BE AWESOME.

OK, NO PROBLEM.

[YAWNS]

[HARRY]
PEOPLE DON'T CALL A
MEETING FOR GOOD NEWS.

THIS IS BULL-
MEETINGS ARE BULLSHIT-

MEETINGS ARE ALWAYS BULLSHIT.

GIVE ME A BREAK.
JUST SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

HEY, GUYS, THANKS FOR COMING.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS COMING
OUT HERE, I HAD REALLY

HIGH HOPES FOR WHAT WE
WERE GOING TO DO HERE.

I'M DISAPPOINTED THAT THE
CLUB HAS HIT SUCH HARD TIMES.

AS YOU ALL KNOW, THIS PLACE
WAS MY UNCLE'S PRIDE AND JOY.

AND I'M JUST AFRAID
THAT TIMES CHANGE.

[GRAND MUSIC STARTS UP]
AND I'M NOT MY UNCLE.

THERE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH
BUSINESS ANYMORE.

AND YOU KNOW,
I'M AFRAID THAT...

WE'RE GONNA...

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FACE THE TRUTH.

AND THE TRUTH IS JUST
WE CAN'T MAKE ANY MONEY.

AND I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT

BOTTOM LINE I HAVE NO CHOICE.

IT'S JUST- IT'S NOT-

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE FOR US
TO STAY IN BUSINESS-

WHAT THE HELL? WHY ISN'T
ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME?

I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A MOTHERFUCKIN' MIRACLE.

SHE'S A GOLD MINE.

[CLAPPING]

OH YEAH.

[TONE]

HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO...

[CLINK]

BUT YOU'RE WELCOME.

IS THAT MY SHIRT?

YES. I THOUGHT IT LOOKED
GREAT ON ME, SO...

SO WHY ARE YOU
SAYING I TOLD YOU SO?

OH, UH BECAUSE BUSINESS
IS BOOMING NOW AND UH

I THINK A LOT OF THAT HAS
TO DO WITH OUR CHEMISTRY

MAINLY A LOT OF MY
WORK THAT I'VE DONE,

BUT I THINK YOU DID
A GREAT JOB, SO...

YOU GET A LITTLE BIT OF
THAT CREDIT YOURSELF.

THANK YOU, I WILL.

AND YOU DID A GOOD
JOB ON THE COMMERCIAL.

I'M SHANE NAMINSKI.

NEW MANANGER AND OWNER
OF DEJA VU SHOW GIRLS

IN BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN
LOS ANGELES.

*

DON'T HAVE A DATE
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

NO PROBLEM.

WE'VE GOT YOU...
COVERED.

WE'RE AT CAPACITY.

JUST WAIT YOUR TURN.

THANK YOU.

[HECKLING]

*

NAH NAH NAH AHHH.

*

JUST IN TIME FOR
VALENTINE'S DAY.

A DEJA VU EXCLUSIVE.

THE WORLD PREMIERE
OF THE POLE DANCE.

OOH, WHAT'S THAT?

I GUESS I'M JUST PROUD THAT
I'VE DISCOVERED SOMETHING.

I'M SORTA LIKE
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

EXCEPT WITHOUT THE BOATS.

*

SO COME DOWN TO
DEJA VU FOR OUR

GRAND RE-OPENING
VALENTINE'S DAY.

IT'S DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN.

[GIRLS]
IT'S DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN.

HEY, I JUST SAID THAT.

[LAUGHING]

CAN I HELP YOU
WITH SOMETHING?

YEAH, WHAT IS THIS ROOM?

I CAN'T FIND THE
KEY THAT OPENS IT.

[DEEP BREATH]

YEAH.

UH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
WANT TO GO IN THERE.

WHY?

WELL...

ERNIE USED TO SAY THAT THE
GANGSTERS THAT HE BOUGHT

THIS PLACE FROM BURIED THE
ORIGINAL OWNER IN THERE

AND COVERED IT WITH CONCRETE.

YOU'RE KIDDING?

YES.

[LAUGHING]

IT'S AN ELECTRICAL ROOM.

HARRY LOST THE KEY.

YOU MIDWESTERN BOYS
SURE ARE GULLIBLE.

OH, UM...

THERE'S SOME WEIRD PEOPLE
WANDERING AROUND UPSTAIRS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY WEIRD?

YOU SHOULD GO SEE.

[LAUGHING]

L'CHAIM.

[ALL TOGETHER]
L-CHAIM!

CHEERS.

[LAUGHING]

CAN I HELP YOU?

BOOM.

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH THE OWNER.

I HOPE ERNIE DOESN'T
MIND THAT WE'VE STARTED

THE PARTY WITHOUT HIM.

AS HE IS TERRIBLY LATE.

UH...

ERNIE WON'T BE COMING.

WHY NOT?

HE'S DEAD.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL
A GOOD EXCUSE.

ERNIE WAS LIKE A BROTHER.

SO WHO ARE YOU?

I'M SHANE. I'M HIS NEPHEW.

I'M THE NEW OWNER.

CAPTAIN LOU TENNANT
AT YOUR SERVICE.

NO NEED TO SALUTE.

YOUR UNCLE AND I
WERE VERY CLOSE.

WE'RE GONNA DEDICATE
THE SHOW TO YOUR UNCLE.

A TRIBUTE.

WHAT SHOW?

CAPTAIN LOU TENNANT
PRESENTS LA COMEDIA DEL ARC.

BOOKED IT WITH ERNIE
OVER A YEAR AGO.

I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

VERY SAD ABOUT ERNIE,
BUT A DEAL IS A DEAL.

BESIDES IT'S A
GREAT SHOW, KID.

LOOK, MR. TENNANT-

-CALL ME CAPTAIN.
-I'D RATHER NOT.

LISTEN, YOUR SHOW'S NOT
GOING TO WORK FOR US.

DID I MENTION THAT YOU
GET 50% AT THE DOOR?

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.

DON'T.

THIS GIG GETS CANCELED, I'M
GONNA START CUTTING OFF THUMBS.

MY APOLOGIES.

RAW EMOTION.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES
HIS ACT SO POWERFUL.

WHAT IS HIS ACT?

[CRUNCHING GLASS]

OH MY GOD. IT'S SO GROSS.

EATS ANYTHING.

GLASS.

WOOD.

MOST POROUS METALS.

NOBODY LIKE HIM.

TRICKS ARE HARDER TO
DO THAN EATING THINGS.

LIKE WE ALL DO, MAYBE.

REALLY?

THEY'RE HARDER TO DO?

YEAH.

HAVE YOU EVER PASSED AN ENTIRE
SET OF WEDGWOOD CHINA BEFORE?

I'M CARRIE OKEY.

AND THIS IS FIRENZO.

IT'S KINDA SELF-EXPLANATORY.

IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING
COMBUSTIBLE AND INCENDIARY.

IT'S REALLY EXCITING.

YES.

I WAS MARRIED.

AND UH...

HE FUCKED MY WIFE.

AND UH...

I KICKED HER OUT OF MY PLACE
AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE.

SHE'S DOING WELL NOW.

SHE'S DOING GREAT.

SHE'S AT HOME.

SHE DOESN'T COME TO
THE SHOWS AT ALL BECAUSE

IT WOULD GET A
LITTLE AWKWARD BUT-

ANOTHER THING HE
MADE DISAPPEAR.

CHECK THIS.

RIGHT.

YOU SHOULD SEE HER-
[GASP]

[CRASH]

DO YOU HAVE ANY REGARD
FOR MY COLON WHATSOEVER?

EHH.

*

WELL, I'M AMBER.

I'M ONE OF THE BEST
STRIPPERS HERE.

*

AND HE IS A SUPER.

A MEGA SUPERSTAR.

KROL FROM...

SOME EASTERN EUROPEAN
BLOC COUNTRY.

ARE YOU A COMMUNIST?

I'M INTERNATIONAL BABY.

OH.

*

[JOSH]
ALRIGHT GUYS, GIVE
IT UP FOR AMBER.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I
CALL A TIGHT END.

[CHEERING]

BRAVA! BRAVA!

I'M NOT GREEK BUT
I BRING SOME GIFTS.

MOLTA BELLA.

IT'S FOR YOU.

NO, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

BUT WHY? I WANTED TO BRING
SOMETHING SPECIAL.

NO, YOU REALLY,
REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I HAVE MELISAPHOBIA.

OH, YOU HAVE SOME DISEASES?

NO, I HAVE MELISAPHOBIA.

IT'S- IT'S A FEAR OF BEARS.

I WENT TO YOSEMITE WITH MY
FATHER WHEN I WAS SIX,

AND THERE WAS THIS MAN IN A
COSTUME OF SMOKEY THE BEAR.

HE WAS GIVING A FIRE SAFETY
DEMONSTRATION TO THE KIDS,

AND HE CAUGHT FIRE, AND
HE JUST WENT MENTAL.

I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

EVER SINCE THEN I'VE
BEEN AFRAID OF BEARS.

I WILL KILL THIS BEAR.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW,
YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

WELL, I HAVE
SOMETHING FOR YOU-

-OH HO HO, YOU POLISH
PIECE OF SHIT.

CHILL OUT, LAYLA.

WOULD YOU REALLY BE SURPRISED
THAT A GUY WOULD RATHER HAVE

CAVIAR THAN TUNA FISH?

HMM CAVIAR?

MORE LIKE DOG FOOD
FOR A BITCH.

REALLY, REALLY?
-YEAH.

REALLY?
-YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO, BITCH?

[YELLING AT EACH OTHER]

[ALL YELLING]

AREN'T YOU GONNA STOP THEM?

[ALL YELLING]

NO, I'M NOT.

[ARGUING AND SWEARING]

GOOD CALL.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

MY NAME IS MIKE HAUSER.

UH, I'M CURRENTLY
ON DISABILITY.

UH, I MADE MY LIVING
BEING A ROADIE.

A ROADIED FOR UH, RATT.

I'M CURRENTLY LIVING
WITH MY PARENTS.

UH THEY LIVE IN SANDY
PARK MOBILE COMMUNITY.

IT'S LOT NUMBER 5.

IF YOU WANNA STOP BY,
PLEASE DO.

WE DON'T GET A
LOT OF VISITORS.

I THINK THEY LOOK
REAL, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE A FEAR THAT I'VE BEEN
LIKE OVER-STUFFING LATELY.

[LAUGHING]
-HEY.

HEY, CAN WE INTEREST
YOU GUYS IN A NIGHT CAP?

WE SHOULD REALLY
GET GOING ACTUALLY.

OH COME ON.

JUST ONE.

ONE.

OK, ONE.

THEN WE GOTTA GET GOING.

I GOTTA GET UP EARLY.

THANK YOU.

TO BAD DECISIONS.

YES!

WHAT WAS THE FREAK OUT IN THE
DRESSING ROOM ALL ABOUT EARLIER?

[LAUGHING]

SCHEDULING CONFLICT.

WOO.

RIGHT NOW I SAY LET'S STOP
TALKING ABOUT LIKE

BORING WORK STUFF.

AND LET'S GET TOTALLY HIGH.

YES.

LET'S GO.

BYE.

ALRIGHT.

SO, HOW EXACTLY DO
YOU FIGURE OUT

HOW TO SCHEDULE
WHO WITH WHOM?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS YOU GOTTA BE
KIND OF A PEOPLE PERSON.

YOUR UNCLE ERNIE
WAS THE BEST AT IT.

HARRY ON THE OTHER HAND IS...

CLINICALLY INSANE.

NOT CLINICALLY.

IT'S JUST NOW THAT YOUR
UNCLE ISN'T MANAGING,

HIS CHOICES AREN'T THE BEST.

BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
HERE FOR, RIGHT?

OH, THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR?

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

[LAUGHING]
YES, I HOPE SO.

DON'T BE A PUSSY,
HASSELHOFF.

LICK IT BEFORE YOU STICK IT.

OOH!

DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE COMING BACK?

NO.

AND SHE'S MY RIDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL
GIVE YOU A RIDE.

I MEAN... IF YOU DON'T
MIND RIDING IN KITT.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOUR CAR IS RAD.

I THINK IT'S PRETTY RAD.

IT'S TOTALLY RAD.

WHY DO YOU GOTTA
GET UP SO EARLY?

OH, I- I HAVE
CLASS AT EIGHT.

CLASS?

YES, CLASS.

I GOT TO SCHOOL.

DON'T LOOK SO SURPRISED.

I'M 21 UNITS AWAY FROM
GETTING MY BUSINESS DEGREE,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FIGURES.

YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON THAT HAS
ANY CLUE HOW TO RUN THIS PLACE.

I WAS KINDA HOPING THAT
MAYBE I COULD TAKE YOU

FOR A CUP OF COFFEE.

MAYBE YOU COULD SHOW ME A
THING OR TWO ABOUT SCHEDULING

SO I CAN AVOID HAVING
INNER-STRIPPER WARFARE.

[LAUGHING]

I MIGHT HAVE JUST ENOUGH
ENERGY TO HELP YOU WITH THAT.

[LAUGHS]

ALRIGHT, COOL.

LET'S GO.

I'LL GET YOUR DOOR.

OK.

WOO! I'M GONNA SIT IN KITT.

ALRIGHT, BE CAREFUL BECAUSE
HE'LL TALK TO YOU.

[CHRISTINA]
IT MIGHT BE KIND OF
OUT OF THE WAY FOR YOU.

IS THAT OK?

[SHANE]
I HAVEN'T SEEN
MUCH OF L.A. ANYWAYS.

SO MAYBE YOU CAN
GIVE ME THE TOUR.

[CHRISTINA]
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF L.A.?

[SHANE]
I LIKE IT NOW THAT I'M
RIDING AROUND WITH YOU.

WHAT?

[LAUGHING]

OH LOOK AT YOU,
MR. SWEET TALKER.

[TOMMY]
WOULD YOU SAY YOU'RE MORE
OF A TIT MAN OR AN ASS MAN?

UM...

WELL IT'S HARD TO SAY.

I LIKE TO BALANCE THAT...

IF SOMEHOW-

IF YOU COULD HAVE AN
ASS THAT LOOKED LIKE A TIT,

I THINK THAT WOULD
BE THE PERFECT-

THAT WOULD JUST MAKE THE
PERFECT THING FOR ME.

I'M PROUD OF MY FATHER.

HE OWNS LIKE .1%
OF THIS CLUB.

BUT SINCE TAKING IT OVER,
IT'S NOTHING BUT GREATNESS.

I LOOK UP TO HIM, BUT HE
DOES NOT LOOK DOWN TO ME.

AND PLUS MY DAD'S A LEADER
IN THE PAN SEXUAL COMMUNITY.

HOW MANY NIPPLES WOULD
YOU GUESS THAT YOU'VE

SEEN IN YOUR LIFETIME?

UM...

ODDLY ENOUGH I THINK IT'S
SOMEWHERE IN THE AREA OF 32,013.

SO IT'S AN ODD NUMBER?

YEAH, I KNEW THIS
ONE GIRL WHO HAD THREE.

*

HOW SWEET IS THIS
NEW BAR, MAN?

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN
I SEE THE BILL.

RELAX.

I KNOW MY SPANISH
IS A LITTLE RUSTY,

BUT I'M LIKE 90% SURE WE GOT
LIKE A RADICAL DEAL ON IT.

SIETECIENTOS IS
SEVENTEEN, RIGHT?

NO, I THINK-

NO, IT'S A LOT
MORE THAN SEVENTEEN.

THE BAR'S RIGHT THROUGH HERE.

SHANE, I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO MEET HIS MAJESTY,

KROL CASHMERE.

YOU'RE PLEASED TO MEET ME.

LIKEWISE.

[LAUGHS]

PRETTY COOL HAVING A
LITTLE ROYAL BLOOD IN

THIS DUMP, HUH BOSS?

IF YOU SAY SO.

KROL'S THE PRINCE OF POLAND.

[LAUGHING]

I'M SORRY TO BREAK THE NEWS
TO YOU FELLAS, BUT UH...

THERE'S NO ROYAL
FAMILY IN POLAND.

NO KING. NO QUEEN.

NO PRINCE.

WHATEVER, RAND MCNALLY.

HE'S ROYAL BLOOD.

TELL HIM, JIMMY.

HE'S NOT ROYALTY.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE
WAS THE PRINCE OF POLAND?

I AM THE PRINCE IN POLAND.

HE'S A SINGER.

HE'S LIKE PRINCE.

BUT IN KRAKOW.

OH.

NOT AS COOL.

YOU KNOW, VERY DARK IS HERE.

IT'S SO DAMN SAD.

LET'S BRING HERE SOME COLORS.

MAKE IT, YOU KNOW, VEGAS.

SOMETHING CURRENT.

TODAY.

HE WANTS TO RENT THIS PLACE
TO FILM HIS FIRST MUSIC VIDEO.

TELL HIM HE CAN RENT IT.

[LAUGHING] I'M A SERIOUS
FILMMAKER, MAN.

I DON'T DEAL WITH PIDDLY
LITTLE MUSIC VIDEOS.

WHATEVER, I'LL DIRECT IT.

LOOK, WE'RE STILL USING
THE CLUB THOUGH, RIGHT?

NO.

NOBODY'S RENTING THE CLUB.

COME ON, SHANE.

BUSINESS IS BUSTING LOOSE.

WE GOTTA JUMP ON
THE MOMENTUM.

KROL HERE CAN PUT
US ON THE MAP.

NO, NO ONE'S RENTING
THIS PLACE EVER AGAIN.

YEAH, ESPECIALLY JACKOFF
SMIRNOFF OVER HERE.

HOW MUCH FOR THE WOMENS?

HE WANTS TO RENT SOME GIRLS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA
PRETEND THAT I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

AND I'M GONNA PRETEND THAT
YOU TWO DON'T WORK HERE.

YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW SHOW BIZ.

GET OUT OF HERE AND
GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

WHATEVER!

I'M THE PRINCE IN POLAND.

THEY TREAT ME LIKE
GODS THERE.

MY HAPPIEST MEMORIES ARE ME
LISTENING TO VIOLIN CONCERTOS

ALONE IN MY ROOM.

I WANT TO COMBINE
MY TWO GREAT LOVES.

MUSIC AND BEEN NAKED.

*

THE FIRST TIME I DID IT, I
WAS PLAYING A BRAHMS CONCERTO.

AND RIGHT BEFORE THE CLIMAX
IN THE THIRD MOVEMENT,

I- I JUST COULDN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I RIPPED OPEN MY BLOUSE
AND I WENT CRAZY.

*

I GET KICKED OUT OF
ORCHESTRAS A LOT.

MY PROFESSOR'S AT U.C.L.A.
ARE REALLY UNDERSTANDING

AND ENCOURAGING.

I HAVE A FULL SCHOLARSHIP.

I'VE JUST ALWAYS LOVED MUSIC.

[TONE]

[TOMMY]
SO, ARE YOU MARRIED, OFFICER?

NO.

I'M PRETTY PICKY.
UM...

WHAT'S THE SECRET TO
BEING A GOOD LOVER?

COMMUNICATION.

I DON'T KNOW, FOR ME...

JUST MAKING SURE I DON'T
HAVE THE GUN IN THE BED.

SORRY, I'M LATE.

THIS WHOLE DAYLIGHT SAVING'S
TIME THING HAS ME SO CONFUSED.

DAYLIGHT SAVING'S
TIME WAS LAST FALL.

BUT LAST FALL I
LIVED IN INDIANA.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE
DAYLIGHT SAVING'S TIME.

SO NOW THAT I LIVE HERE
IN CALIFORNIA,

I NEEDED TO MAKE UP
FOR EVERYTHING.

SO I SWITCHED ALL MY CLOCKS
AND EVERYTHING'S ALL MESSED UP.

ALSO I MADE POT BROWNIES FOR
EVERYONE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

BUT, I FOUND A RECIPE
WITHOUT THE POT.

HERE YOU GO.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

THANK YOU.

OH, SORRY.

THE DOOR WAS OPEN.

NO, UH...

CHLOE- CHLOE MADE BROWNIES.

AND THEY'RE POT FREE.

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, SWEETIE.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
ON STAGE AN HOUR AGO.

[SIGHS]

I CAN'T WAIT TO
SPRING FORWARD.

UM, SO DO YOU HAVE ANY
PLANS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

I MEAN...

NO.

EVEN IF I DID, I DON'T GET OFF
WORK UNTIL AFTER MIDNIGHT SO...

DO YOU?

UH NO. JUST WORK.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT.

RIGHT.
-YEAH.

UH HEY UH...

I WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE UM...

DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU'D
WANT TO BE A MANAGER?

OH.

I MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE
TO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

I'M- I'M JUST ASKING.

NO, I DO.

WOULD I GET A RAISE?

MAYBE.

WOULD I HAVE TO WEAR THIS
STUPID PORN WAITRESS OUTFIT?

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WEAR THAT.

NO, DEFINITELY.

DEAL.

OK. GREAT.
GOOD.

GREAT, WE'LL START
YOU THIS WEEKEND.

WE'LL START YOU-
I'M SORRY.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

GREAT. SOUNDS GOOD.
THANK YOU.

OK. HEY, UH...

[CLEARS THROAT]
ONE MORE THING, I UH...

NO, NO, FORGET IT.

ARE YOU SURE?
NOTHING- NOTHING ELSE?

YEAH, YEAH, NO. I'M OK.

OK.
-ALRIGHT.

OK.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

-HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH, YOU TOO.

DAMNIT.

[TOMMY]
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

LOVE.

UH, YES.

ONCE.

HE WAS A RODEO CLOWN.

HE WAS A SAD RODEO CLOWN.

THAT WAS HIS GIMMICK.

HE WAS THE SAD RODEO CLOWN.

BUT THAT CAUSED
HIM TO MOVE SLOWLY.

UH, SO HE WAS
KILLED TRAGICALLY.

AND HE COULDN'T RUN AWAY?

NO, HE WOULDN'T
BREAK CHARACTER.

HE WOULDN'T BREAK CHARACTER.

HE WAS A SAD RODEO CLOWN AND
SO EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS...

-IN SILENCE.

AND HE WAS KILLED PRETTY
MUCH HIS FIRST TIME OUT.

WOW.

THAT IS SAD.

YEAH.

I'M REALLY SORRY TO
BRING THAT UP, MAN.

SHANE DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO MAKE MONEY, OK?

WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE MONEY.

WE HAVE A PAL NAMED EDDIE.

FAST EDDIE.

YEAH.

FAST EDDIE OWNS A
COMPANY CALLED SEX TECH.

HE'S LIKE THE
AMWAY OF SEX TOYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING.

SEX TECH IN EVERY
STRIP CLUB IN AMERICA.

STARTING WITH THIS ONE.

THINK SEXY LEGOS.

SEXY JACK N THE BOX.

BOOM BOOM POP!
PUSSY.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SEXY LEGOS?

THAT'S NOT SEX TOYS.

WE'RE TALKING LINCOLN LOGS
THAT YOU PUT IN YOUR ASS.

THAT'S NOT WHAT FAST
EDDIE'S THINKING, OK?

IT MAKES SENSE.

WHEN STAR WARS CAME OUT,

I HAD THAT PRINCESS LEIA ACTION
FIGURE WRAPPED AROUND MY DICK.

THAT WAS MY PRINCESS
LEIA ACTION FIGURE.

I FUCKED HER.

YOU FUCKED LEIA?

I FUCKED YOUR
CATCHERS MITT.

I FUCKED YOUR PLAYDOH.

I FUCKED YOUR TRAPPER KEEPER.

I SHOVED THAT RUBIK'S
CUBE UP MY ASS.

DID YOU FUCK ALL MY TOYS?

PRETTY MUCH.

AHHH!

MAN.

DAD!!

THANK YOU GUYS FOR
TAKING A COUPLE MINUTES

OUT OF YOUR STRIPPING.

MY NAME IS EDDIE.

I AM THE C.E.O. OF SEX TECH.

[CLAPPING]

SO, I'M HERE TO PRESENT
TO YOU THE NEXT PHASE

IN ORGASMIC PLEASURE.
RIGHT? REMEMBER?

[DEEP SIGH]

I CAN'T WAIT.

I HAVE BEEN MAKING SEX
TOYS IN MY LABORATORY.

IT'S A GARAGE.
IT'S REALLY AWESOME.

ALRIGHT, TAKE IT EASY.

AH COME ON, MAN.

DUDE, THERE'S NO DOOR.

YOUR CLUB.

CHEAP ASS.

DID YOU ASK CHRISTINA OUT?

OR ARE YOU UH, LIKE
STILL A LIMP DICK?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I'M INTERESTED IN HER?

COME ON, DUDE.

SO I'M HERE TO PRESENT TO
YOU THE COCK BOXER 2000.

[CLAPPING]

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU JUST GOTTA
LIKE WRITE HER A NOTE,

BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
GOOD AT TALKING TO GIRLS.

REMEMBER LUCY MARTIN?

YOU OBSESSED OVER HER
A WHOLE SUMMER AT CAMP.

AND BY THE TIME YOU GOT
THE NUTS TO ASK HER OUT,

SHE WAS ALREADY
FUCKING ANOTHER DUDE.

YEAH, YOU.

YOU FUCKED HER ON MY BUNK.

EXACTLY.
THAT'S MY POINT.

YOU GOTTA CARPE DOUBLE DIEM.

SEIZE THE SNATCH, DUDE.

WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD
I SAW MY PUPPY RED ROCKET.

[CLUCKS TONGUE]

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF FOR THE
RED ROCKET YOU'D HAVE A HOLSTER?

LEATHER SOMETHING-
YOU COULD BE MOBILE WITH IT?

LIKE AS A SIDE
ITEM YOU COULD BUY.

WE SHOULD COME UP WITH THAT.
WE SHOULD COME UP WITH THAT.

JUST HOLD IT.

AND YOU'RE READY TO GO.

BOOM.
READY TO GO.

YOU'LL MAKE A LOT
OF MONEY THAT WAY.

RIGHT.

IT'S TOO LATE ANYWAYS, MAN.

SHE'S WORKING TONIGHT.

DUDE, THAT'S PERFECT.

YOU JUST LIKE INVITE HER TO YOUR
OFFICE FOR A LATE NIGHT DINNER.

WRITE HER THE NOTE, BE ALL
FLOWERY AND WORDY AND GAY

WHICH IS LIKE RIGHT IN
YOUR WHEEL HOUSE.

MAKE IT FROM HER SECRET
ADMIRER OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.

GET A LITTLE WINE.

A LITTLE CANDLELIGHT.

THIS IS A PROTOTYPE.

ALL THE KINKS HAVE
NOT BEEN WORKED OUT.

ARE YOU READY
TO BE TURNED ON?

YES.

[BUZZING]

[CLAPPING]

I- I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

OH!

OOH OOH!

[APPLAUSE]

OOH OOH!

YOU OK?

DOES ANYBODY WANT ONE?

WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
SODOMIZING HER ON YOUR DESK.

YEAH, YOU'RE A
FUCKING TRUE ROMANTIC.

[CHUCKLING]

YOU KNOW, BUT IT'S NOT THE
WORST IDEA YOU'VE EVER HAD, BRO.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW, MAN UP.

INK THE QUILL.

AND GET RIGHT IN SHAKESPEARE.

ALRIGHT, MAN,
I'M GONNA DO IT.

THANKS, DUDE.

FUCK YEAH, MAN.

OH FUCK. DUDE,
I HAVE NO TOILET PAPER.

DUDE, ALL I HAVE
IS ROLLING PAPERS!

I'VE BEEN IN LOVE TWO TIMES.

THE FIRST WAS KURT GORGSKY.

WE DID IT IN HIS
WINNEABAGO AT THE INDY 500.

BUT KURT JUST WASN'T
EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE.

AND HE ALSO
HUFFED A LOT OF GAS.

*

TITTY, TITTY, TITTY.

[CHEERING]

YEAH, BABY.

WOO.

CHRISTINA.

SOMEBODY LEFT THESE
OUT FRONT FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

WHO IS IT FROM?

IT SAYS ANONYMOUS.

I THINK.

ANONYMOUS? THAT'S WEIRD.

IN MATTERS OF THE HEART,
NOTHING IS ORDINARY.

EXCEPT THE IMPROBABLE.

THANKS, PAULIE.

I'M GONNA LEAVE NOW.

UH HUH.

BYE.

WOO!

TITTIES.

UGH!

GOD DAMNIT!

JOSH, BIG GULP, LIGHT BOARD.

TOTAL BLACK OUT.

[CROWD COMPLAINING]

COME ON, COME ON.

[CHRISTINA]
GO GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

GO, GO, GO!

[ELECTRIC ZAPPING]

UGH.

GOD.

IT'S SO SWEET I WANT TO PUKE.

[JOSH]
WE'RE JUST GOING TO TAKE JUST
A SMALL BREAK RIGHT NOW.

WHILE I TRY TO GET SOME MORE
FEELING THROUGHOUT MY BODY

AND UH... COMING UP NEXT-

[PHONE RINGING]

HELLO?

CHLOE, OH MY GOD.

SOMEONE LEFT FLOWERS
AND A CARD FOR YOU.

LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE
A SECRET ADMIRER.

FOR ME? REALLY?

OH MY GOD, READ IT.

IF MUSIC IS THE FOOD
OF LOVE, THAN PLAY ON.

MEET ME TONIGHT FOR
A CANDLELIGHT DINNER.

CLOTHING OPTIONAL.

X.X.X.O.

OH MY GOSH, IT'S SHANE.

TODAY WHEN I GAVE HIM A HUG,

CHRISTINA CAME IN AND
IT GOT ALL WEIRD.

I'M SO EXCITED.

WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?

WELL IF IT WERE ME, I'D
WEAR SOMETHING EXTRA SLUTTY.

BUT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

GUYS LIKE IT WHEN YOU'RE
A LITTLE MYSTERIOUS

AND UNPREDICTABLE,

SO COME EARLY
AND SURPRISE HIM.

YEAH.

MYSTERIOUS.

I LIKE THAT.

OOH.

MAYBE I SHOULD SHAVE MY BUSH
INTO A LITTLE HEART SHAPE.

THANKS SO MUCH, BOOTS.

BYE.

IDIOT.

OH MY GOSH.

HI, SHANE.

I'M READY FOR YOU.

I THINK SHANE...

IS SO DREAMY.

WELL HELLO, SHANE.

I'VE BEEN A VERY
NAUGHTY GIRL.

BANG.

RIGHT IN THE HEART.

HE'S LIKE THE SWEETEST
GUY IN THE WORLD.

ARE YOU SURPRISED?

I'M SO SURPRISED.

HE'S DEFINITELY THE
BOYFRIEND KIND OF GUY.

I COULD SEE HIM TAKING
ME OUT ON A DATE AND-

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

[SIGHS]

MYSTERIOUS CHLOE.

OH, CHLOE YEAH.

OH YEAH.

SURPRISE.

TAKING ME TO A NICE DINNER AND
MOVIE, AND THEN AT THE END,

HE JUST PULLS HIS COCK
OUT AND HE JUST

FUCKS THE SHIT
OUT OF MY PUSSY.

TAKE ME, SHANE.

I LOVE YOU.

OH OH!

YES.

OH GOSH, SHANE.

*

[KNOCKING]

[SEDUCTIVE GIGGLE]

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

BEING MYSTERIOUS.

THIS IS NICE.

SHHH.

[GIGGLES]

OK.

TAKE IT OFF.

CHLOE!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OH BABY, I WANT YOUR
CANDY IN MY BOX RIGHT NOW.

CHLOE!

CHRISTINA.
-CHRISTINA!

CHRISTINA, WAIT UH...

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

I LIKE YOUR HAIR.
IT LOOKS VERY PRETTY.

WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.

IS THIS WHY YOU
INVITED ME HERE?

SO THAT YOU COULD HAVE A
THREEWAY WITH A STRIPPER

AND A COCKTAIL WAITRESS?

IT'S OK, CHRISTINA.

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT EITHER.

I DIDN'T PLAN THIS.

I'M UP FOR IT IF YOU ARE.

YOUR BODY'S AMAZING.

CHRISTINA, I'M- I AM SO SORRY.

NO, I AM SORRY.

I GUESS I'M JUST AN OLD
FASHIONED GIRL WHO ISN'T

INTO OTHER GIRLS.

I'M NOT EITHER.

I MEAN I AM- I AM, BUT I
JUST- ONLY ONE AT A TIME.

IT'S OK, GUYS.
WE CAN SWITCH OFF.

THANK YOU, CHLOE.

HE'S ALL YOURS.

I TRY TO NOT HAVE SEX
WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON

THAT I WORK WITH
AT A TIME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE WE
CAN GET TOGETHER NEXT WEEK

AND FUCK EACH
OTHER'S BRAINS OUT.

BECAUSE I DON'T
WORK HERE ANYMORE.

DON'T FORGET TO LOCK UP.

CHRISTINA, COME ON, WAIT.

I'M SORRY, SHANE.

YEAH, ME TOO.

SHOULD I GO AND GET ONE
OF THE OTHER GIRLS, OR...

AM I ENOUGH?

NO WAIT, I CAN'T.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

I'M SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

WE'RE HERE TO LEARN.

WE'RE HERE TO STRETCH.

LET'S JUST IMPROVISE A LITTLE.

LET'S JUST MOVE AROUND.

JUST AD-LIB SOMETHING.

JUST SHAKE.
MOVE AROUND.

JUST DANCE A LITTLE.

JUST DANCE A LITTLE.
JUST DANCE A LITTLE.

OK, NOW LADIES, I WANT
YOU DO ME A FAVOR.

POINT TO WHAT YOU THINK IS YOUR
GREATEST ASSET AS A DANCER.

POINT TO WHAT
YOU THINK IT IS.

NO, NO.

NO, YOU'RE ALL WRONG.

YOU'RE ALL WRONG.

NO, IT'S THIS THING.

IT'S THIS THING.

OH OUR FACES?

YEAH, YOU CARRY AROUND ON
THE FRONT OF YOUR HEAD.

YOUR FACE.

THAT'S YOUR GREATEST
ASSET AS A DANCER.

YOU WANT TO HAVE ANGEL
EYES AND DEVIL SMILE.

OR YOU WANT TO HAVE AN
ANGEL SMILE AND DEVIL EYES.

YOU NEVER-
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'M SO SORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, WHEN YOU COME
IN LATE LIKE THIS...

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ME
YOU'RE DISRESPECTING.

I'M SORRY LADIES.

YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON'T
TAKE THIS ART SERIOUSLY.

YEAH, EVERYONE GIVE ME EITHER
ANGEL EYES, DEVIL SMILE

OR DEVIL EYES, ANGEL SMILE.

GO.

NO, YOU'RE DOING- YOU'RE
DOING DEVIL DEVIL.

DON'T DO DEVIL DEVIL.

CRAZY. IT COMES OFF CRAZY.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

CHLOE'S GOT IT.
CHLOE'S GOT IT.

SHE'S GOT THE DEVIL EYES
NOW AND THE ANGEL SMILE-

I'VE BEEN IN PAGEANTS
SINCE I WAS THREE.

WHENEVER I'M GETTING ALL
OF THIS MONEY, IT'S LIKE

I DON'T REALLY HAVE
ANYWHERE TO PUT IT ANYMORE.

YEAH, WHERE DO YOU PUT IT?
EXACTLY.

SO, WE NEED LIKE
POUCHES OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN
REALLY WEAR A POUCH.

OH, A FANNY PACK?
LIKE PINK?

YEAH, FANNY PACKS!

NO MAN ALIVE CAN
MAINTAIN AN ERECTION

WHEN HE'S LOOKING AT A
WOMAN WEARING A FANNY PACK.

I'M NOT SAYING WHO'S THE BEST.

I'M GONNA SAY WHO HAS-

YOU ALL HAVE YOUR GOOD TRAITS.

LAYLA, YOU HAVE GREAT
TITS, LAYLA.

YOU HAVE GREAT TITS.

AND YOU HAVE GOOD
INTERPERSONAL SKILLS.

YOU TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT.

YOU COMBINE RESPECT
WITH GREAT TITS

AND YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING
MAGICAL GOING ON ONSTAGE.

AND CHLOE AND YOU JUST
MAKE IT ALL SEEM PURE.

IT'S LIKE GOING TO SEE YOUR
DAUGHTER AT A DANCE RECITAL.

IT'S JUST WHOLESOME.

YOU HAVE WHOLESOME TITS.

AND THAT'S- THAT'S
THAT IS A GIFT FROM GOD.

THAT YOU CAN'T BUY.

WELL...

THERE'S PEOPLE WORKING ON IT.

*

[HOOTING AND HOLLERING]

[JIMMY]
GENTLEMAN, A QUICK REMAINDER.

THERE ARE NO DRUGS ALLOWED
HERE IN THE BUILDING,

BUT HOWEVER BEHIND
THE BUILDING OR IN MY CAR,

THEY ARE PERFECTLY
ACCEPTABLE.

[PITT]
DICKY A HAND JOB? DICKY-?

[CHANCY]
WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME-

DID YOU GIVE SHANE A
COCK GOBBLE?

[SHOUTING AT
EACHOTHER]

WHAT THE HELL?

I LOVE YOU.

*

SHANE.

WE'RE GOING TO A NAKED
POOL PARTY IN THE VALLEY.

WHAT?

NO ONE SAID NAKED?

[CHUCKLING]

YOU COMING, MAN?

NO, I HAVE A DATE ALREADY.

WITH JACK.

SHE'S GONE, BROTHER.

YOU GOTTA HANG TOUGH.

A NEW DAY WILL DAWN FOR
THOSE WHO STAY STRONG.

ZEPPELIN.

THEY SPEAK TRUTH.

JUST CALL IF YOU
GET WEIRD, OK MAN?

BABES.

[GIRL]
WAIT, IS HE ALREADY HIGH?
GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.

[TOMMY]
IT'S NOT EVEN MY CAR.

I AM NOT LETTING YOU DRIVE.

WHEN DID YOU GET HIGH?

JUST ALL WEEK,
MAN, WHAT THE FUCK?

[JIMMY]
ALRIGHT, GUYS, LET'S PUT
THIS TRAIN WRECK TO SLEEP.

IT'S FIVE IN THE MORNING.

DOES ANYONE CARE
WHERE YOU ARE?

ANY CHANCE YOU'RE
GOING UP THE 101 NORTH,

I COULD USE A RIDE.

SERIOUSLY.

PANCAKES ARE ON ME.

WHAT THE FUCK?

CAN'T GET IT IN?

[GASPS]

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

DON'T BE SCARED.

YOU LOOK AWFUL.

IS IT CHRISTINA?

[SIGHS]

I CAN'T LET YOU
DRIVE HOME LIKE THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH,
COME HOME WITH ME, AND...

WE'LL TALK.

YEAH, I COULD...

I COULD USE A GOOD TALK.

WELL THAT'S GOOD, 'CUZ
I'M A GOOD TALKER.

I WANT YOU TALK
MY BRAINS OUT.

I COULD TALK TO
YOU ALL NIGHT LONG.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY, SHANE.

*

[BARKS]

YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

UH, UH.

*

YES.

UH, UH, OOH.

SUCH A DIRTY FUCKING BOY.

[MOANING]

I KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

AHH!

OH YES. OOH!

UGH!

*

[FABRIC RIPPING]

OH YES.

OH MY GOD.

GOOD MORNING, STUD.

[LAUGHS]

WOW.

I THOUGHT YOUR UNCLE
WAS A WILD RIDE.

I GUESS IT RUNS
IN THE FAMILY.

I MADE COFFEE.

ERNIE TOOK HIS WITH
LOTS OF CREAM AND SUGAR.

OH.

WE'LL HAVE TO GET HIS
THINGS OUT OF THE CLOSET.

YOU'LL HAVE TO HELP ME.

HE WAS KIND OF A PACK
RAT, BUT WE'LL MAKE ROOM.

MAKE ROOM FOR WHAT?

YOUR CLOTHES.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

WE DON'T HAVE TO MOVE
EVERYTHING IN AT ONCE.

OH AND UH...

YOU'RE ON MY
SIDE OF THE BED.

BUT, UH, EVERYTHING'S
NEGOTIABLE.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT
IT OVER BREAKFAST.

GUESS WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST.

[CHUCKLES]

STOP.

OH OOH.

BABY.

I GOTTA- I GOTTA GO HOME.

SHANE YOU ARE HOME.

LAST NIGHT-
-LAST NIGHT WAS A MISTAKE.

WHAT?

SHANE.

WE WOULD BE SUCH A GREAT TEAM.

AND EVERY NIGHT WILL
JUST BE LIKE LAST NIGHT.

OK?

WE'LL BE SO GREAT TOGETHER.

YEAH, BUT WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.

WE'RE NEVER GOING
TO BE TOGETHER.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT?

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I GOTTA GO.

SHANE.

SHANE!

GET BACK IN THIS BED!

YOU'RE NOT FUCKING LEAVING.

FUCK.

I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL
WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.

[PHONE RINGING]

HEALTH AND SAFETY.

DICKY.

IT'S MOMMY.

I NEED A FAVOR.

IT'S ABOUT THE CLUB.

WHATEVER YOU NEED, I'M GONNA
TAKE CARE OF IT, ALRIGHT?

*

WOAH WOAH, JEEZ.

HOW 'BOUT AN I.D.?

HERE'S MY I.D.

NOW THE GET FUCK
OUT OF MY WAY.

LET'S SAY I DON'T.

SMACK THAT BITCH.

TOUCH ME AND YOU'LL BE EATING
YOUR LUNCH IN LOCK UP, GIGANTOR.

IT SUCKS, PAULIE, I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST DOING MY JOB.

YEAH, FIRST TIME
FOR EVERYTHING, HUH?

SERIOUSLY?

I'M SORRY.

[MUSIC STOPS]
HEY! COME ON.

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY.

ALRIGHT, TOOTS.

GET OF THE STAGE.

ATTENTION PLEASE.

LISTEN UP.

MY NAME IS RICHARD MITHERS.

DICK.
[CHUCKLES]

I'M THE CITY HEALTH
AND SAFETY INSPECTOR

AND AS PER THE NEW
ORDER OF THE CITY COUNCIL,

ALL PUBLIC ADULT
DANCING IS HEREBY

BANNED WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS.

WHAT?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS PLACE IS A STRIP CLUB!

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

MAYOR MCCHEESE, COULD YOU KINDLY
GET THE FUCK OFF MY STAGE?

[CLAPPING]

YEAH.

NO, I CAN'T.

THE SHOW'S OVER.

SAYS WHO?

SAYS ME AND THE CITY COUNCIL.

AND THE NEW ZONING
ORDINANCE 22.

SECTION 3.

I CAN READ IT FOR
YOU IF YOU LIKE.

WELL, I'M SHOCKED.

I AM TOO.
NOBODY CONTACTED US.

NO, I'M SHOCKED THAT A
CITY OFFICIAL CAN READ.

OH, YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY.

NO, I THINK THIS
IS VERY SAD.

I MEAN, YOU SHUT THIS PLACE
DOWN, THERE GOES YOUR

LAST CHANCE ON EARTH TO
SEE A WOMAN NAKED.

THIS IS CRAP.

YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR
FROM OUR LAWYER.

WE HAVE A LAWYER?

I ASSUMED WE DID.

NO...
-OH, SHIT.

THE ORDINANCE STANDS.

IF VIOLATED, YOU'LL BE
TALKING TO THE POLICE.

OH, THAT'D BE DANDY.

I LOVE OUR POLICE
OUR BOYS IN BLUE.

THAT REMINDS ME SARGE, I GOTTA
GET YOU BACK YOUR HANDCUFF KEYS.

OH ONE MORE THING.

YOUR CITY TAXES ARE
TWO YEARS PAST DUE.

PAY THEM IN FULL BY
FRIDAY AT 5PM...

OR THE CITY WILL
SIEZE THE PROPERTY.

HAVE A NICE DAY, HOROWITZ.

TWO YEARS? TWO YEARS?

YEAH.

I'M SORRY.

[SIGHS]

WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL
THINK OF SOMETHING.

FUCK.

ALRIGHT, LADIES,
STAGE IS CLOSED.

[EVERYONE GROANING]

WHAT?

COME ON.

[TONE]

*

NOW THAT THE CLUB IS CLOSING
DOWN, I'M HOPEFUL THAT THE

CHINESE BUFFET WILL
COME BACK, SO...

I'LL STILL BE HERE.

[TOMMY]
SO CHLOE, NOW THAT WE'RE SHUT
DOWN, WHAT'S YOUR DREAM JOB?

I WOULD LIKE TO
GO INTO BIOLOGY,

PERHAPS STUDYING
PHOTOSYNTHESIS.

REALLY?
-YES.

DO YOU KNOW A LOT
ABOUT SCIENCE?

I MEAN I LOVE THE
SUN AND I LOVE WATER.

YOU CAN STILL SMELL
THE SOY SAUCE.

THAT'S NOT SOY SAUCE.

*

HEY.

HI.

UH...

I JUST CAME BY TO GET
THE REST OF MY STUFF.

SORRY ABOUT THE CITY THING.

HARRY TOLD ME ON HIS WAY OUT.

BAD DAY.

YEAH.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD.

BUSY.

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL
FULL TIME NEXT SEMESTER.

FULL TIME, LIKE, NO JOB?

YEAH. I'VE BEEN SAVING.

I THINK I'LL JUST MAKE IT.

YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I'M GOING TO GET DRUNK.

VERY, VERY DRUNK.

AND THEN I'M GONNA FIGURE
OUT HOW TO RAISE $5,000

BY FRIDAY AT 5.

WITHOUT ANY DANCERS.

I KNOW EVERYBODY
MISSES YA...

[CLEARS THROAT]

I MISS YOU.

I GOTTA GO.

GOOD LUCK.

THANKS.

*

[LAYLA]
AWW, YOU GUYS LOOK SO SAD.

SHANE, HAVE YOU MET HANNA?

I DON'T THINK WE'VE BEEN
OFFICIALLY INTRODUCED.

I WOULD STAND UP BUT I CAN'T.

[LAUGHING]

KEKAW!

KEKAW! KEKAW!

SHE JUST MOVED HERE
FROM SAN FRANCISCO.

SHE WANTS TO DANCE FOR YOU.

MM, WELL I WOULD LOVE THAT.

BUT AS YOU KNOW OUR STAGE
HAS BEEN CLOSED BY THE MAN.

FUCK THE MAN.

AT MY OLD CLUB WE DIDN'T
EVEN HAVE A STAGE.

-REALLY?
WE JUST GAVE PRIVATE DANCES.

I THOUGHT I COULD SHOW YOU.

LAYLA.

HOP ON THE STALLION.

[LAUGHING]

ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET, MAN?

FUN IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

OH MY GOD.

THIS SHOULD BE A
RIDE AT DISNEY LAND.

THIS SHOULD BE A
FUCKING OLYMPIC SPORT.

[GIGGLING]

WOO!

NO, HANNA, NO.

YES.

OH GOD.

HANNA, YOU GOTTA STOP, YOU
GOTTA STOP, YOU GOTTA STOP.

DUDE, WITH DANCERS LIKE
THIS, WHO NEEDS A STAGE?

[LAUGHING]

HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT.

WAIT, FUCK!

WITH DANCERS LIKE THIS,
WHO NEEDS A STAGE?

WOO!

YOU SICK, BEAUTIFUL,
EVIL GENIUS.

WHO NEEDS A STAGE?

WITH DANCERS LIKE THIS,
WHO NEEDS A STAGE?

DON'T YOUG FUCKING GET IT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND BUT
I'M STILL REALLY HAPPY.

THE NEW LAW SAYS
NO PUBLIC DANCING.

SO WE'RE GONNA DO
PRIVATE DANCING.

YES. WE'RE GONNA
CALL IT A LAP DANCE.

ALRIGHT?

IT'S PERFORMED ONE-ON-ONE
FOR THE INDIVIDUAL

ENTERTAINMENT
OF THE CUSTOMER,

EITHER AT A TABLE,
OR IN A BOOTH,

OR IN A PRIVATE
SEATING AREA.

AND I'VE WRITTEN UP SOME RULES
AND PRACTICES THAT EVERYONE

WILL FOLLOW WHEN
PERFORMING A LAP DANCE.

AND THE CARDINAL RULE
IS REALLY QUITE SIMPLE.

HEY!

OW. DAD.

DON'T CALL ME DAD.
DON'T CALL ME DAD.

CALL ME HARRY.
CALL ME HARRY.

GET OUT, GET OUT,
GET OUT, GET OUT.

I'M GOING TO DISPLAY FOR
YOU GUYS HOW THIS WORKS.

CHLOE COME HERE, CHLOE,
COME HERE, COME HERE.

THERE IS APPROPRIATE AND
INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING, ALRIGHT?

NOW, THIS IS
APPROPRIATE TOUCHING.

THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE
TOUCHING.

OK?

APPROPRIATE.

INAPPROPRIATE.

OK? LADIES, YOU KNOW
WHICH IS THIS?

WHICH IS THIS?

APPROPRIATE.

YES, APPROPRIATE.

AND?

I'M CONFUSED.

IT'S OK. WE'LL DO THIS
AS MUCH AS WE HAVE TO

'TIL EVERYONE GETS IT, OK?

THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE.

WHAT I'M DOING NOW
IS INAPPROPRIATE.

HARRY, I THINK-
-THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE.

I THINK THEY GET THE POINT.

WELL, I JUST WANT TO MAKE
SURE WE'RE ALL CLEAR ON THIS.

OK, EVERYONE GETS THIS.

THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE.

RIGHT.
-RIGHT?

OK.

AND THIS.
AND THIS.

OK, I THINK
EVERYBODY GETS IT.

WE HAVE THREE DAYS TO
RAISE THE MONEY WE NEED

TO PAY BACK THE CITY
WHAT WE OWE.

OUR FUTURE IS IN YOUR
G-STRING, LADIES.

SO LET'S DANCE!

YEAH!

[CLAPPING]

LET'S JUST GO THROUGH
THIS ONE MORE TIME THOUGH

BEFORE WE GET OUT THERE.

INAPPROPRIATE.

*

CHLOE IS KILLING
IT RIGHT NOW.

*

THREE DOLLARS?

REALLY?

ALRIGHT.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
COME ON, GIVE ME THE REST.

I WAS GOING TO MAKE A
LOT MORE AT THE DOG TRACK,

BUT GO 'HEAD.
TAKE IT.

*

COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, MAN.

I THINK WE'RE
GONNA MAKE IT.

*

[TOMMY]
TWENTY-EIGHT HOURS
TO GO, MAN.

WE GONNA MAKE IT?

[SHANE]
YEAH, WE'RE GONNA
MAKE IT, DUDE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
CASH TO SPARE.

GOOD, BECAUSE I'M
RUNNING LOW ON SPE-

[SHANE]
WOAH, WHAT THE HELL IS CHLOE
DOING OUTSIDE THE CLUB?

[TOMMY]
ANDWHY DOES SHE
HAVE CLOTHES ON?

WAIT, DID THE SHORT
BUS BREAK DOWN?

SHANE!

OH THANK GOD.

I'M SO GLAD I
DIDN'T MISS YOU.

MISS ME?

I COULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAYING GOOD BYE.

GOOD BYE?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

AROUND THE WORLD, BABY.

YEAH.

THIS IS SNAKES.

WOO!

THEY JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL
AND THEY'RE TAKING ME

ON TOUR WITH THEM.

I'M GOING TO BE THEIR
OFFICIAL SNAKE GIRL.

THIS IS VINNY.

THIS IS WYATT.

AND THIS IS THE
LEAD SINGER, TANK.

HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS
REALLY ARE SNAKES.

HOLD ON.

THANKS FOR TAKING
CARE OF HER, BROTHER.

WE THOUGHT WE LOST HER.

NO PROBLEM.

CHLOE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

I NEED YOU.

SHH.

I KNOW IT HURTS SHANE, BUT
IN TIME YOU'LL GET OVER ME.

JUST BE STRONG.

NO.

I- I- THE CLUB NEEDS YOU.

YOU'RE OUR BIGGEST EARNER.

I'M SORRY, I KIND OF HAVE
MY CAREER TO THINK ABOUT.

WHAT CAREER?

THE BAND WANTS ME TO HANDLE
THEIR SNAKES ON THE ROAD.

SHE'S A NATURAL.

EVERY NIGHT THEY LOWER ME
DOWN ONTO THE STAGE AND

I AM WRAPPED IN A BIKINI
OF LIVE PYTHONS.

FUCKING-A.

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

SOUNDS AWESOME.

AND SUPER SAFE.

OH, DON'T WORRY, SHANE.

THEY FEED THEM THESE
SUPER STRONG TRANQUILIZERS.

HAHA HELL YEAH.

THE SAME KIND WE EAT
RIGHT BEFORE A SHOW.

YOU WANT SOME?

UH, NO THANKS I HAD SUPER
STRONG TRANQUILIZERS FOR LUNCH.

I'LL TAKE ONE IF
YOU DON'T MIND.

THANK YOU, SHANE.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE SWEETEST
PEOPLE I'VE EVER MET.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I
WOULD HAVE DONE WITH YOU.

BE CAREFUL, CHLOE.

AND IF UH, YOU EVER
NEED ANYTHING...

ACTUALLY THE COPS
KEPT THE TOUR BUS.

AND WE NEED TO BE AT
THE AIRPORT IN AN HOUR.

SAY CHEESE.

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

AH, MY EYES.

DEAD OR ALIVE.

ACTION.

ACTION.

STOP SAYING THAT.

ACTION.

WE HAVE LIKE NO TIME
ON THE CLOCK, DUDE.

ZERO. ZILCH.
NADA.

WE HAVE 17 HOURS.

IT'S NOT OVER
UNTIL IT'S OVER.

AND DON'T FOLLOW ME
WITH THAT CAMERA.

IT'S GOING TO BE A WILD RIDE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DOWN HERE, MAN?

I COULDN'T TAKE
HARRY SNORING.

[SIGHS]

HOW WE DOING?

WHERE WE AT?

STOP.

COME ON, TALK TO ME, MAN.

WE'RE SHORT.

NO WAY.
NO WAY.

COUNT IT AGAIN.

COUNT IT AGAIN, MAN.

DUDE, I'VE COUNTED IT LIKE
THREE FUCKING TIMES, MAN.

WE'RE SHORT.

GAME OVER.

[SIGHS]

HEY.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, T.

[SIGHS]

AT LEAST WE WENT
DOWN SWINGING.

[CHRISTINA]
WHAT'S THE COUNT?

HI.
-HI.

WHAT'S THIS?

1,214 DOLLARS.

MY STUDENT LOAN MONEY.

YES.

THAT PUTS US OVER.

NO IT DOESN'T.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS.

YES, YOU CAN.

NO, I CAN'T.

YOU NEED THIS FOR SCHOOL.

I KNOW. IT'S A LOAN.

I CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO
SCHOOL NEXT SEMESTER.

JUST TAKE IT.

BUT, I WILL BE
NEEDING A JOB.

JUST SO HAPPENS I'M HIRING.

AND A RAISE.

MM...

OK.

BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE GOING
TO START RIGHT NOW.

SURE.

GO UPSTAIRS, MAKE SURE HARRY
ISN'T DEAD, AND CALL EVERYBODY.

WE'RE CELEBRATING.

YES!

BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY.

[LAUGHING]

OH, HEY CHRISTINA,
ONE MORE THING.

THANKS.

AND, UM...

I'M SORRY.

I'M...

I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

YOU CAN MAKE IT UP TO ME.

YES, YES!

ALRIGHT.

WE GOTTA GET THIS MONEY
LOCKED UP IN THE OFFICE, ASAP.

NO WAY, MAN.

I'VE BROKEN INTO THAT
OFFICE LIKE TEN TIMES

WITH JUST A CREDIT CARD.

FOR WHAT?

EH...
EMERGENCY...

STUFF LIKE THAT.

NO BIGGIE, MAN.

YOU KNOW, THERE IS A MEGA
PADLOCK IN THAT STORAGE ROOM.

YEAH, BUT YOU FORGET THE
COMBINATION ALL THE TIME.

WHEN HAVE I EVER
FORGOTTEN THE COMBINATION?

LAST WEEK.

WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT,
SECURITY NOW.

DEPRAVITY LATER.

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

WHAT'S THE COMBINATION?

JUST ONE MORE TIME.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

WE'RE BACK IN
BUSINESS EVERYBODY!

YES. YES.

*

HEY.

-HI.

OHH!

HEY.

HIYA.

UH...

SO YEAH, THE PARTY'S JUST
RIGHT IN THE OTHER ROOM.

WELL, I WAS THINKING OF, UH,
HAVING A BIT OF A PRIVATE PARTY.

THOSE CAN BE FUN, TOO.

YEAH.

I KNOW HOW TO
MAKE IT MORE FUN.

OH YEAH?

OPEN WIDE.
-MM.

WHERE SHOULD WE GO?

HOW 'BOUT IN THERE?

OH, CAN'T.

GOTTA KEEP IT SECURE,
YOU KNOW?

NODBODY'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW
THAT THE MONEY IS IN THERE.

OH SHIT.

UM, YOU KNOW, WE CAN JUST
GO OUTSIDE TO THE VAN.

THAT WOULD BE FINE.

WELL, UH, WE COULD DO THAT.

OR WE COULD JUST
SPREAD OUT ALL THAT

FILTHY, DIRTY MONEY,

AND JUST FUCK ON TOP OF IT.

ALSO A GOOD PLAN.

[GIGGLING]

I HAVE TO WARN YOU THOUGH.
I'M A TERRIBLE DANCER.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU ARE.

UH UH UH.

OH.

JESUS.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU
GIVE ME BACK THERE?

MY SPECIAL SEXY TIME MIX.

OH. OH.

OOH.

[GASPING]

OH.

OOH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU TOO?

*

SHANE. OFFICE NOW.

I'M SORRY. I GOTTA GO.

*

OH, YEAH.

VERY NICE.

MMHMM.

DID MOMMY BRING
BABY A PRESENT?

SHE DID.

BABY LIKES.

OH WHAT THE FUCK BOOTS?

[GASPS]

OH, HELL NO!

THIS IS SOME SERIOUS
BULLSHIT THAT'S DEFINITELY

NOT HAPPENING ON MY WATCH.

WHO'S THIS IDIOT?

I'M THE GUY WHO'S GONNA STOP
YOU FROM WALKING OUT OF HERE.

I'M DRIVING.

WHATEVER.
YOU CAN CALL ME JIU JITSU.

YOU CAN CALL ME
SMITH AND WESSON.

WHAT THE FUCK, DICKY?
PUT THAT THING DOWN.

YOU KNOW DICKY, A MAN SHOULD
NEVER PULL OUT A GUN

UNLESS HE'S READY TO USE IT.

I'M READY.

[WACK]
[GASPS]

YOU ASSHOLE.

SHUT UP.

YOU SHUT UP.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CAR.

I'M NOT GOING
ANYWHERE WITH YOU.

PUT THE MONEY IN THE CAR
AND TAKE A FUCKING, BITCH.

FREEZE, MONKEY.

GET YOUR STINKIN' PAWS OFF
OF HER, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW YOU
SOMETIMES COME ACROSS A GUY

YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE FUCKED WITH?

WELL...

YOU'RE THAT GUY.

WHAT?

I MEAN, I'M THAT GUY.

THE GUY...

YOU KNOW...

YOU SHOULD FUCK WITH.

SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH.

JUST DROP THE ASSHOLE, GUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

HE MEANS DROP
THE GUN, ASSHOLE.

THANK YOU, MA'AM.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT THE PRETTY LADY SAID.

[CHUCKLES]

GOOD, DICKY.

I GOT A FULL METAL
CHUBBY RIGHT NOW.

I'M A SPECIAL AGENT WITH THE
CITY CORRUPTION TASK FORCE.

I'VE HAD MY EYE ON
THIS TURD FOR AWHILE.

JUST MADE IT EASY FOR ME TO
FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET.

AND I'VE GOT THE FEELING YOU'RE
THE KIND OF TURD THAT'S

GONNA LEAVE A STREAK GOING
ALL THE WAY DOWN.

HUH, DICKY?

THIS AIN'T OVER, TONS OF FUN.

SHUT YOUR YAM HOLE.

ALRIGHT, FOLKS, SHOW'S OVER.

THE CLUB IS BACK IN BUSINESS.

[CHEERING]

THAT'S GREAT!

LET'S GO, YOU SHIT HEAD.

YOU TOO, NANCY.

EVERYBODY, LET'S
HEAR IT FOR SHANE!

[ALL]
YEAH! SHANE!

COME ON, BOSS MAN, GIVE
'EM SOME WORDS OF WISDOM.

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE
ANY WORDS OF WISDOM,

EXCEPT I WOULD NOT BE
HERE WITHOUT ALL OF YOU.

SO THANK YOU.

[ALL]
OHHH. CHEERS.

AND I THINK I KNOW WHAT MY
UNCLE ERNIE WOULD HAVE SAID.

TOPS OFF AND BOTTOMS UP!

WOO!

*

WHO DO I HAVE TO GET A FUCK
TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE?

UM, EXCUSE ME?

HELLO? EXCUSE ME.

UM...

HEY EVERYONE!

SORRY, UM...

WE ACTUALLY NEED A
RIDE TO THE STATION.

[LAUGHING]

I MEAN WHERE COULD I END UP?

I MEAN THERE'S SO MANY PLACES
IN THIS WORLD OF FILM

THAT UH, THAT I'M
DRAWN TO, AND

I FEEL LIKE ARE PULLING
ME IN, YOU KNOW?

AND UH...

ONE OF THEM IS UH, FUCK.

I'M SO FUCKING
STONED RIGHT NOW.

[TOMMY LAUGHING]

I'M SORRY.

OK, WAIT.

I REMEMBER. I REMEMBER.

THE- THE- THE MEANING
OF ALL OF THIS.

OF EVERYTHING WE DO.

LIKE THE ONE THING
THAT IT ALL-

[THUD]
OH FUCK.

[TOMMY]
WOULD YOU SAY YOU FEEL
YOU'RE LUCKY

TO HAVE MET A MAN
LIKE ME, TOMMY "7"?

NO, I FEEL LIKE THE
EXPERIENCE OF KNOWING YOU

HAS ACTUALLY DEPLETED ME
OF OTHER EXPERIENCES.

*

SO.

SO?

WHERE WERE WE?

HMM.

I FORGET.

I THINK IT WAS HERE.

DID TOMMY REMEMBER TO
LOCK UP THE STORE ROOM?

PROBABLY NOT.

LET'S GO CHECK.

IT'S TIME FOR
VIDEO SPOTLIGHT.

MEGA METAL BAND SNAKES
EMBARKS ON THEIR WORLD TOUR.

WE CAUGHT UP WITH THEM
BACKSTAGE IN MOSCOW.

THE BIGGEST NEWS FOR
THIS BAND IS THEIR OWN

CHARMING SNAKE CHARMER.

CHLOE.

I'VE JUST BEEN SO BUSY.

I'M IN THE STUDIO RIGHT NOW
MAKING MY FIRST ALBUM

WITH TIMBUK 3.

AND THEN I'M GOING TO BE MAKING
MY FIRST HOLLYWOOD DEBUT.

I'M SO EXCITED.

IT'S CALLED HOWARD THE DUCK.

I THINK THIS IS GOING TO
BE A HUGE YEAR FOR ME.

HOLLYWOOD, HERE I COME.

LOOKS LIKE HER FUTURE'S SO
BRIGHT, SHE'S GOTTA WEAR SHADES.

SHE'S A GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL.

SHE WILL GO TO MY COUNTRY.

WE'LL GO TO THE CHURCH.

SHE'LL BE ONE OF MY WIVES-

NO, SHE'LL BE MY
ONE WIFE, BECAUSE

YOU CAN HAVE ONLY ONE WIFE.

BUT I WILL GET DIVORCED AND
SHE WILL BE MY NEW WIFE.

BUT YOU KNOW I ONLY GET
MARRIED WITH VIRGINS.

WOOHOO!

YA'LL HAVING FUN, HUH?

LITTLE BIT OF THAT
UP IN THERE.

YA'LL HAVING SOME FUN
UP IN HERE RIGHT QUICK?

IS THAT WHAT I'M HEARING.

FIRE!

HUMAN NECESSITY
IN IT'S SIMPLICITY.

YET COMPLEXITY.

DO YOU GUYS WANNA KISS
FOR A LITTLE BIT.

JUST FOR A SECOND.

EW, YOU SAID IT WASN'T PORN.

NO, IT'S NOT.
-SEE, I TOLD YOU.

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.
-NO, IT'S NOT PORN.

THIS IS ART BY THE WAY.

THIS IS LIKE ARTY-
WE HAVE NOIR LIGHTING.

IS YOUR BONER ART TOO?

YEAH. IT IS ACTUALLY
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

HE PROBABLY LIKE PAINTS IT.

BABY.

[LAUGHING]

SHANE.

WE'RE SOFT SERVE, BABY.

HAHA.

WHAT?

THERE'S L.S.D. IN OUR DRINKS.

TOLD YOU YOU WERE
GOING TO LOVE THE SHOW.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, PLEASE
WELCOME TO THE STAGE,

THE ONE, THE ONLY
CAPTAIN LOU TENANT.

GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTS.

I'VE BEEN WITH THE SAME WOMAN
FOR 39 WONDERFUL YEARS.

[CLAPPING]

AND IF MY WIFE FINDS
OUT, SHE'LL KILL ME.

[LAUGHING]

[GARBLED WORDS]

OH, CHRIST.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHING]

*

AHH!

LIGHT MY FIRE.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN
DO TO GET OUT OF THIS?

UH...

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

UM...

[LAUGHING]

I'VE HEARD SOME OF THE GIRLS-

HMM?

I'VE HEARD SOME OF THE GIRLS

CALL YOU CREEPY AND STALKER.

NUH UH.

NO, I KNOW YOUR NAME.

I KNOW YOUR NAME.

IT'S UH...

LEATRIX.

NO?

PHILIPA.

IS IT PHILIPA?

NO.

ONE OF THE ASIANS
IS PHILIPA, RIGHT?

[CHANCY]
MY PET- MY KITTY CAT,
HER NAME IS SASSAFRASS.

SHE HAS A PROBLEM,
WHAT IS IT?

SHE'S ON DIALYSIS.

I LIKE TO GO TO THE STATE FAIR
EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY.

AND IT'S KIND
OF A TRADITION.

IS THIS TOO FAST?

TOO SLOW?
DO YOU WANT-?

NO, IT'S ALRIGHT.

OH OK GOOD. UM...

[LAUGHING]
-CUT.