Live Freaky Die Freaky (2006) - full transcript

It is the year 3069.

The Earth has been destroyed by ozone depletion

rendering the planet a vast wasteland.

The Earth's vegetation has been completely destroyed

and the oceans have been dried.

The human race has devolved into a form of nomad

with no memories of Earth's past.

The only memory they have is that of the present

a present which includes only virus, famine,

and death.

Man has once again



turned into a herd of creatures living in caves

eating insects and pigs.

There was no explanation for the sun,

the desert,

the rain.

Food and shelter are plentiful.

They try to search for answers
in the wreckage of the planet

and try to educate themselves.

Like generations before them

their hunger for knowledge is never satisfied.

Beyond that,

what happens to a man who sleeps forever

never waking?

Was there somehow a spirit



that took care of them

in the darkness of death?

Then one day, by accident,

an answer was found.

In the Earth's debris

a nomad found a book that
may hold all the answers.

Miss Hadie Hatkins

you've been arrested and brought before us
for your unspeakable crimes against mankind.

You've butchered, mangled, stabbed, and mutilated

beautiful people:

people who obeyed us,

valued our beliefs,

and followed the guidelines of the status quo.

People that will be missed and remembered

unlike you.
-You abandoned the normal life of mediocrity,

and for what?

What good did it do?

You're now this caged animal that
we've sentenced to death and spat upon.

You murdered people that lived their lives
like you should've lived.

You butchered a lifestyle
that could've been yours.

And you,

a once respectable person from our community,

how could you turn your back on us?

Your foolish games of rebellion were pathetic

and have now come to this dreadful end.

We are the ones who have stopped you.

You and your so-called family have reached
your final chapter.

You will be forgotten and never missed.

But we must dissect,

pick at your brain,

so we can find out how one of us
can turn into an individual.

You shaved your head,

sliced an X into your forehead.

Can't you see these are just foolish attempts
to break free from us?

You can never escape
from the Moral Majority.

We will always win.

We own this world and we
will break you as we please.

You will never stop us.

Your voice and your family's
voices have been silenced

and will never be heard.

Tell us everything.

Yes, please.

You must amuse us with your stories
of how you ended up here,

so far down the wrong road.

When were you born?

Why did you choose to follow
such a misguided Messiah?

When were you born?

Born?

When was I born?

You've got to try to grasp it, man,

how that question has no meaning!

Not for me.

Not for any of us who lived with him.

We changed clothing, changed expressions,

just changes, you know?

Changes were changes.

They're not progress, they're not regression,
they were change.

We had to change because we cannot
be associated with your human race.

We are not responsible

for the crimes you have committed
against each other and this planet.

We live every day for every day,

but not your day.

You have me imprisoned for crimes
you think I have committed,

for which I am completely innocent!

And when I'll tell you
the story of the Family

maybe you'll understand.

And if you are smart you'll join us.

Because it's going to come down,

and gonna come down fast.

Helter Skelter is going to come down
on you and your children.

When I met him it was my rebirth,

my awakening.

It all seems like a big
beautiful and wonderful dream.

But it was a big beautiful and wonderful dream.

Charlie?

Helter Skelter is coming down
on you and your children.

Have no mercy for you.

Charlie?

Helter Skelter is coming down
on you and your children.

Have no mercy for you.

Charlie?

Helter Skelter is coming down
on you and your children.

Charlie?

Helter Skelter is coming down
on you and your children.

All of what I am saying makes no sense to you.

Your soul is contaminated with
the lies of your parents and television.

You watch television as your factories
are slowly destroying your world,

harvesting this planet
like it is a cheap whore.

Why do you sit there watching
me with your accusing eyes,

when all I tried to do was save you?

Your eyes are dead, you cannot see.

The world you live in is dead

and it is the world I so happily
left behind when I met him.

I remember when I first met him.

It seems so long ago...

Stop this world, I want to get off!

Calm down, woman!

I have heard your distress call

and I am here to save you!

Come to me.

Have you ever made love to the son of God?

Gosh, no! But I'm really new in town
and my job keeps me really busy and-

Let me enter your three holes

just like the nails entered
my hands and feet at Cavalry!

Look, I just met you, and I really don't know
if I want to let you fuck my hands and feet.

It's just too intimate and, I think, impossible!

Not those holes, woman!

These holes.

This one

and that one...

and especially this one.

Oh, yummy!

By any chance has the son
of God been in prison?

How can I be bleeding?
I'm hardly a virgin.

You are a virgin!

You are reborn unto me.

Your blood is the symbol
of your baptism, your rebirth.

Oh wait, never mind, I'm having my period.

But I really dig your symbolism.

Your sacrifice of blood is a gift!

And for that I will save you.

You may come to the altar and worship me now.

I am saved!

I am saved!

I was lost and now I am found!

The void of my soul is now filled.

Okay, okay.

Now you can worship me
with a sacrificial handjob!

Your man-love juice
quenches my thirst for knowledge!

Just like if I was a
lost kitten or a lost sheep,

or any other animal
that might happen to get lost.

And I got lost right there, and you found me.

I will do what you tell me to do.

I will be your Apostle
and follow you anywhere.

Like a lost pigeon or a lost ostrich,
or a hummingbird or a lost-

Alright, alright!

I get the analogy.

Would you please shut up and suck my cock?

Sorry.

What is your name, woman?

So I know what to say when I shoot
my multiple loads all over you.

Susan Hatkins.

You are now named Hadie, Hadie Mae Glutz.

Oh, I've always wanted an A.K.A!

Just like if someone found a lost kitten
and didn't know its real name,

they rename it with a different name.

And what do I call you?

God or just Saviour?

My Earth name is Charlie, Charlie Hanson.

I ain't a politician, I'm just a bad musician,
whatcha gonna do for me?

Do you have a taste for sex and blood and hate
or really good LSD?

I'd like to start a band with you,
I'll sing and you can learn to play the tambourine.

Here's an invitation, no time for hesitation,
come and join my Family.

I live inside of you,
but you don't belong to me

I'm a reflection of you

What's my recipe?

Half a cup satanical, a teaspoon puritanical,
stir with a bloody hand.

A quarter cup Messiahcal, a sprinkle of maniacal,
now I'm a mechanical man.

I'll give you the heads-up,
come on and get your legs up,

this is called the Family Jam.

Together we'll stay hidden
and wait for Armageddon

and stick it to the man.

I live inside of you,
but you don't belong to me

I'm a reflection of you

What's my recipe?

Half a cup satanical, a teaspoon puritanical,
stir with a bloody hand.

A quarter cup Messiahcal, a sprinkle of maniacal,
now I'm a mechanical man.

Watch this jig, woman!

Going to learn something right now.

Open up the curtain, then we'll start hurting,
come on, let's do the Creepy Crawl.

The show's about to go down, come on,
I've got the low-down

together we'll make Hollywood fall.

I live inside of you,
but you don't belong to me

I'm a reflection of you

What's my recipe?

I live inside of you,
but you don't belong to me

I'm a reflection of you

You look at me and what do you see?

Half a cup satanical, a teaspoon puritanical,
stir with a bloody hand.

A quarter cup Messiahcal, a sprinkle of maniacal,
now I'm a mechanical man.

I left the next morning without even fearing
what the future would bring.

I trusted him and knew he would save me
and open my eyes to a new world.

He introduced me to the other girls and guys
who he called his family.

I didn't mind sharing him
with the other girls and guys

because when you were in the Family you were one.

The more I knew him
the closer I became to the truth

and the truth was
that Charlie was the truth.

The truth, the light, the saviour,
God, and a really good fuck.

Hey, mister! You want something to drink?

Paycheck whore! Wears a dollar bill gown
to a funeral? Of hope and love?

Jeez, I was just wondering if you were thirsty.

Them and us, it's all just a game.

They have been selling you a phony,
fake picture of reality all your life.

There is you first,
and I am what you let me be.

I'm a guitar, a cup of coffee, a snake,
a pocket full of names and faces.

Look down on me and you will see a fool.

Look up at me and you will see
your Lord and Master.

Get even and look at me, and you'll see yourself.

Then I guess I need to shave.

Stop being so literal, woman!

I see your minds are
still confused and contaminated

with this land and the
influence of your daddies.

You guys are stuck play-acting as humans.

I don't need to be a human.

You don't need to be a human.

You must leave everything behind
and come with me to the desert.

It will be our Promised Land,
our upside-down river.

We can do everything and anything there,
without anyone telling us what to do.

Put your trust in me
and you will be rewarded.

I will set you free.

So we began our new lives
in this wondrous land

where there was no time, no birthdays,
and nothing that represented that dead world

that had poisoned our hearts and minds.

This place is the now.

This is the beginning and the end.

I have delivered you into the Promised Land

away from the waste
that they call civilization.

You are my children and I will protect you
from the enemy that spits at you.

And my children will have my children

and we will build our tribe
and take over the world.

We will teach them
how to take care of the land

and we will do it with love,
and if they won't listen

we will have to kill them.

What's that, Charlie? We couldn't hear you.
-Oh, nothing.

Alright, Charlie! We love you, Charlie!

Where are we supposed to go to the bathroom?

Life in the desert was wondrous

and for me to try and explain
any particular day is impossible.

It is impossible because each day
was completely different from the next day

Each hour different than the next hour.

And I am not just talking
about us changing outfits,

wearing funny hats,
and speaking in English accents.

Well, we did that

but the point is
it was moment to moment.

As time went by
others would join us in the desert

and they were all beautiful and
shared Charlie's - our - point of view

on the world
and how we had to change it.

We never wanted to leave
our sanctuary, our Atlantis

but when we did leave for the other world
it was only for food.

We found all our food
in garbage dumps at the supermarkets.

Our family was growing and
I was going to have Charlie's baby

so we needed lots of food to survive.

The dumpsters were filled with
lots of food that was thrown away

just because it was bruised

and was not pretty enough
for the bourgeois consumer to buy it.

Our best dumpster diver was Squeaky.

She was named that because she squeaked
like a mouse when Charlie fucked her.

But between me and you,
I think she was faking.

Oh, garbage dump, oh, garbage dump!

Can you believe this? How could anyone
throw away such a fine apple?

Oh, how much pressure it must be
to live your life around an expiration date.

Now, let's get back to work, girls,
we've got a family to feed.

Such a disgrace!
All this food just being thrown away!

Who could do such a thing?

If I ever find out who these wasteful pigs are,
I'll show them an expiration date.

Wasteful pigs!

Oh, garbage dump, oh, garbage dump!

There's nothing better than driving around town
in a big car for no apparent reason.

Just driving around,
polluting the precious environment.

Global warming, why not?
I love to tan.

Take that, Mother Nature!

You fucking bitch.

There goes the ozone layer.

Oh, you're just so incorrigible.
Yes you are, yes you are!

I'm just trying to do
my decadent best.

Why don't you sing a song about it?

Why, I think I will.

I'd rather strangle a tree
than hug it.

Wrap my hands around its trunk
and tug it.

Rip it up from the ground,
chop it up, pass it around.

Its life's for burning,
yes burning. I love it.

I'd rather strangle a tree
than hug it.

The tree's life's not important,
unplug it.

Who needs a tree? Not me!
Screw your ecology!

Keep your environment
and shove it.

Rainforest, Schmainforest

Fuck it.

I'd rather strangle a tree
than hug it.

It's a much better place
without it.

Get out of my face,
I need a wide, open space.

Beverly Hills, we love it!

-Eucalyptus, elm, and palms
-I choke them with my bare arms

-Cherry and cedar and maple
-Will serve me much better as tables.

-Cyprus, sequoia, and pine
-I'll strangle them one at a time.

I'd rather strangle a tree
than hug it.

She'd rather strangle a tree
than hug it.

I'd rather strangle a tree
than hug it.

I'd rather strangle a tree...

That was great

but your hair got a little messed up
during that extravagant musical number.

Never you mind, mister gay hairdresser man.
I've come fully prepared.

-Between this car and that hairspray
the ecosystem is history.

It sometimes frightens me.
-Are you putting me on?

Why do you give a flying fuck
about ozone depletion?

I might freckle.

I live for the moment. That's my motto.

Oh, and "two cocks are better than one".
That's my other motto.

Oh my God, that's my motto too!

Oh my God! But I shouldn't be surprised

because you've had more cocks
than teeth in your mouth.

Hey, Sharon, where the fuck are we?

This neighbourhood looks
positively middle-class,

look at those messes.

If you drove me to the Valley,
I'll stab you to death

and rip your baby out of
your stomach and fuck it.

Just kidding, babe.

Goddamn, I am funny.

Look at those awful hippy girls
in the dumpster collecting rotted food.

Their hair is so flat!

It saddens me that
a beautiful movie star like you

has to witness such
a disgusting spectacle.

Let's get out of this place.
-Don't be such a pussy.

Stop using derogatory words
about my asshole!

Look at those animals! How disgusting!

I hope my baby will never
come across such crass people.

Don't worry, sweetie

the only place we'll see
those creatures is in a zoo.

I love that we are so much better
than they are, in every possible way.

Find anything nice
in the trashcan, scumbags?

Hopefully you'll find some make-up.

My God! It's woeful to be trash-picking

but to trash-pick and
not wear make-up? That's pathetic.

How are you supposed to find a man?

Or maybe you don't like men.

Look, sister. A woman should not
have to alter her look

just for the approval of a man
or the status quo.

Hopefully we can all be individuals
and live as one,

loving each other and
loving this beautiful planet.

Maybe one day everyone will all
join hands and be as one

and then we'll call it
Hands Across America.

It's a dream, and sometimes
dreams do come true.

And then the next thing you know,
a beautiful cycle will be born.

Look, the only cycle I want
is a menstrual cycle

so I can stop wearing
these maternity tents.

Hands Across America?
Like that would ever happen!

You hippies are such hopeless dreamers.

What you should be dreaming about

is better clothes and some shampoo.
-We're not hippies. We're Slippies.

Oh, for God's sake!

Look, you smell,
your clothes look like shit

and that shitty music you're listening to
with those long horrible guitar solos!

I don't have time for this.
I've got to go.

You've achieved an amazing feat.

You've not only bored me,
but my fetus too.

What about me? She bored me too!

Oh, please.
You gay boys are always bored.

That's why you always go
from cock to cock,

because you're always
bored and unsatisfied,

that by making impossible to have a long
and happy relationship with someone

you turn to booze and drugs to cover up
your sadness and loneliness.

You'll eventually die alone with
a huge collection of beautiful china

that will get thrown away or sold at your
parents' garage sale for 5 cents apiece.

God, I need a drink.

Me too.

Let's make it a strong one, my baby
has been craving a Martini all morning.

Toodles, girls.

Keep in touch, but I seriously
doubt we'll ever meet again.

Unless you can drive that dumpster
to Beverly Hills, to my fabulous mansion.

How appropriate.

Hey, you pieces of shit,
get the hell out of my trashbin!

Why don't you hippies get jobs
so you can afford real food?

We're not hurting anyone,
mister Italian grocery man.

Besides, you threw it away.

These fruits and vegetables
belong to the people!

Correction, cumsponge: it's my food,
my fucking dumpster.

Look, if I took a shit
and didn't flush it,

it doesn't mean you can scoop my faeces

and eat it for free, does it?

Well, it depends if you eat meat.
We're vegetarians.

Why don't you leave us alone, anyway?

We're not hurting anyone. Not yet.

God! The baby's coming!

Do you want to fuck first?
You know I like them young.

No time, Charlie.
Alright, maybe just a little oral.

God, the pain, I can't stand it!

I'm frightened, Charlie!

Woman! Fear is only another form of awareness

and awareness
is just another form of love.

Total fear is total awareness.

Once you give into the fear completely,
it ceases to exist.

And all that is left is awareness.
All that is left is love.

Well, when you put it that way...
Here you go. Catch!

The son of the son of God!

The birth was a miracle.

It seemed that nothing could destroy
our world, but one day it happened.

News came that would change
our lives forever.

Holy shit! It says that they're going
to be filming a movie in our desert

called the Valley of the Hogs

with that nature-hating
actress, Sharon Hate.

It also says if she likes it,
she will be building a huge mansion here.

Wouldn't you know this would happen?

Right after we put the hot tub in.
And wait, there's more.

In an unrelated article
it says that the mean grocer

that was so rude to Squeaky
is going to expand his supermarket chain

and build five markets in our desert.

Really? It says that? Let me see it.
-Ah... no.

I was nice enough to read it.

You can be nice enough
just to sit there and listen.

I wonder what we should do.

Bring the album!

In times of crisis we sought answers
from Charlie's four prophets from Liverpool.

They would record messages to him
on records to tell him what to do.

They were like the four horsemen
of the Apocalypse

but with English accents.

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

Did you hear that?

It said "Charlie, get some members of the
Family to kill that star, Sharon Hate.

Then scrawl insane, political messages
in her blood, all over her house

and this will scare other stars
from coming to the desert to film movies"!

With all that grieving going on
there will be no time

to build supermarkets in the desert.

This will spread all over the world
how we saved this precious land.

And then a revolution will start
making the Earth free of these monsters.

It is time for Helter Skelter!
It is not my message

but I hear what it relates.
And it says "rise!"

It says "now is the time to kill".
It's so clear! Thanks, guys.

Wow! You're really good at
reading between the lines.

I thought it was about a hand-job!

Break it down, Charlie. Mix it 'round, Charlie.
Shake it up, Charlie. Make it stop!

The crickets are a-cricking in the hills,
we'll be sneaking through the doors

they'll be a-locking,
but we'll open without knocking.

The windows we'll be prying,
we're barely even trying.

It's as though we've been invited
to come in, we'd be delighted.

Excuse our petty fussing, but this
house, it looks disgusting.

Their taste is just a sickness,
here's a cure.

We'll just make ourselves at home,
mix it up and change the tone.

Su casa es mi casa, that's for sure.

Do the Creepy Crawl, sneaky,
freaky Creepy Crawl

Creeping while you're sleeping,
we'll be sneaking through your halls.

Do the Creepy Crawl, sneaky,
freaky, Creepy Crawl

Just relax, this ball of wax
is what we call the Creepy Crawl.

This room needs decorating,
it's confusion we're creating.

We'll rearrange the fixes
in the bedrooms and the kitchens

remove what's been familiar,
ordinary's now peculiar.

Because of our infesting
now your lives are interesting.

Excuse our petty fussing,
but your lives are so disgusting.

Mediocrity's a sickness with a cure.

We'll just make ourselves at home,
shake it up and change the tone

To be frank, you should
enjoy our little tour.

Do the Creepy Crawl, sneaky,
freaky, Creepy Crawl

Creeping while you're sleeping,
we'll be sneaking through your halls.

Do the Creepy Crawl, sneaky,
freaky, Creepy Crawl

Just relax, this ball of wax
is what we call the Creepy Crawl.

Do the Creepy Crawl, sneaky,
freaky, Creepy Crawl

Do the Creepy Crawl, sneaky,
freaky, Creepy Crawl

Do the Creepy Crawl, sneaky,
freaky, Creepy Crawl

Do the Creepy Crawl, sneaky,
freaky, Creepy Crawl...

We had no choice but to fight.

Our lives and the future
of the planet was at stake.

We were all in it together.
We were a family.

We called each other brother and sister.

We called each other that for
as long as I could remember.

The girls have always been my sisters

and the boys have all been my brothers.

And we were not going to
let those pigs ruin our lives.

We had to fight back.
Only through killing could there be peace.

The revolution was about to begin.

Helter Skelter was indeed coming down fast.

Helter Skelter was all
we talked about from then on.

It was to be the last war on the Earth.

It would be all the wars that had
been fought, built one on top of the other

Something that no man could
conceive of in his imagination.

You can't conceive of what it would
be like to see every man judge himself

and then take it out on every other man

all over the face of the Earth,
to save the Earth.

And besides, why the fuck would
anyone build a chain of supermarkets

in the middle of the desert?

So the family would embark
on a brave new adventure

leaving their beloved desert
to fulfil the wishes for the master.

Were they saving the world?
Or were they destroying it?

It would've been up to
anyone's interpretation.

But as fate would have it, the book and
the powers were in the hands of the nomad.

And it is he who interprets
the book's message.

And it is he who has the control.

So will the Family be heroes or villains?

Or will the actress and her friends be
victims or an evil that has to be stopped?

He now has the power.

He now has the power.

He now has the power.

Alright, you guys, you look just
great in those Creepy Crawly outfits.

And no, girls, the outfits
don't make you look fat.

Black is so slimming.

Now listen to Hex and do what he tells you.

He will do the majority of the
killing because that is a man's work.

And you will do the girly stuff
like decorate the walls with blood

and, if time permits, make some sandwiches!

Also, do not instil fear in these people.
You are doing them a favour

and don't forget that.
You are releasing them from their own Hell.

Wait, I forgot to tell you!

They've been selling you a phony
picture of reality all your life!

Charlie, you already told us that.

-I'm a guitar! A cup of coffee!
-Yeah, you told us that too.

I'm insane, no doubt about that.
And I play faces for the clowns.

But the real me is a rattlesnake,
a wolf, a scorpion.

Nothing I reflect to you,
just what I am thinking now.

I'm mad, mean, and at war with
the lies, pollution, confusion,

and fools who've got
no intelligence. How's that?

God, finally a new rant.
That's great, Charlie. Now can we go?

Because if we want to kill
these people -I mean, save these people-

-I would like to beat the rush hour.
-Go and do what you have to do.

And don't forget: you can
use the carpool lane.

This powder is super duper
speedy-deedily-licious!

It's snow with a punch, and it's
yummy yummy in this girl's tummy!

My baby will be kicking for days on this shit.
Mama loves her vitamins!

Bless you, Sharon. I would've said
"God bless", but... who am I kidding?

Fucking great quality. Hey,
Abigail, could you please not smoke?

I'm with child! God, you can
be so insensitive at times.

I'm so sorry, Sharon. What was I thinking?

I'm always so fabulous,
but sometimes I can be such a twat.

That's okay, sweetie.
Hey, does anyone have a joint?

You're such an inspiration to
us all, so fucking unselfish.

So not a fucking cunt like all the rest.

I know, I know, it' exhausting!

I have to snort for two now.

God, I love this woman.

If only you had a thick, meaty cock between
your legs instead of a hatched wound

I would marry you in a second.

And speaking of marriages

when does your husband
get back from Europe?

Probably when he's through fucking
every last 12-year-old girl in France.

Well, he's a fool to leave you
for a second. Just look at you.

You're a vision of beauty and wonderfulness.
And in such great shape, my God!

You can't even tell you're pregnant!

Thanks! I know, just because you're pregnant

doesn't mean you have to be a big, fat pig.

I'm 9 months pregnant and
I've actually lost weight!

The only time I wanna gain weight

is when I have a big,
fat cock stuffed into me.

Enough about me for a while.

How is your poetry coming, princess?

Not so good. I'm afraid all my
best lines are on the mirror.

What's with this guy?
He's not said a thing all night.

Darling, I think he's European or something.

You know how they border
on the mentally retarded.

You did tell him that tonight's party theme

was gang-rape a Go-Go, didn't you?

Darling, I don't think he can fuck.

When I checked his toilet-parts

it looked just like a mountain
of foreskin and nothing else.

Well, maybe he can use
his mouth for sucking.

God, he just sits there with
that awful expression on his face.

Yes, he's not retarded, he must be European

because retarded people
can fuck and they can get hard.

And I should know. I was mounted by
the most adorable mongoloid the other night.

It was divine.

His cock actually expanded
when it was in my ass,

it took forever to get it out!

Not unlike a cork in a champagne bottle

or a horny German Shepherd.

But I love working with
handicapped people. They're so...

Desperate?

Well, so...

-Slow?
-I call it charity work.

My God, Hay. To consort
with those... types of people.

I mean, maybe it is acceptable

to have your photo taken
with one of those... things

for a charity luncheon or something.

But let me tell you,
dear sir, even then

the only way I would even touch them

is if I were wearing my gloves.

And let me assure you that I would burn
them immediately with that... hot stuff.

What is that stuff called? The flaming
stuff that lights my cigarettes.

Oh, never mind. But I hear
you can catch retarded.

I guess I'm just a people person.

I don't judge people just
because they may be a tad slow

or sometimes accidentally
strangle cute little soft puppies

with their bare, retarded hands.

Because how can you tell
if it is the cock of a normal

or that of a cerebral palsy
victim when the lights are out?

And if the retarded need
just a little bit more time

when they're stuffing their man-meat
into my small, tight, pink hole

well, I'm more than happy
to be patient and help them.

It's like my way of helping them
with their mechanical skills.

My generosity is well known in Beverly
Hills for helping the Trannibals.

There was a time I can remember
when I was being tag-teamed

by a group of these horny Down's Syndrome
teenagers and the lights were out

and these four little puppies came in
and they started licking my balls

and it was just so amazing because

the Down's Syndrome kids they were
giggling and every time they laughed

their tight little assholes
just pulsed up together and...

God! he's still staring at me
with that stoic face of his.

Hey, sweetie! You're in America now.

You're not waiting in
line for a piece of bread!

And speaking of lines...

I want some more of these
white, powdery lines

but they're making my
snatch all dry and brittle.

Either give me a booty
bump, or better yet,

I want you to give my clit shrub
a watering with your mouth.

Approach me and make me moist.
Play my cunt like it's a tuba, big boy.

What do you want me to do,
spit on it? Sorry, sweetie.

The only instrument I play is a pink flute.

I'll take care of it for you, sweetie.

Now just open those meat
drapes and let the show begin.

And let me tell you,
there will be no intermission.

Thanks, honey. But make it quick.

I don't wanna come off as too dyke-y.

All you have to do is stick your
tongue out and she'll do the rest.

It's like licking a meat-scented stamp.

If it bothers you just plug your nose

or just think of it as
an asshole in the wrong place.

God, how gay can you be?
Here, give me a rubber band,

I'll make you a man.

Now close your eyes and think of ass.

Look at me, I'm fucking a girl!

I'm straight now, I'm cured!
No eternal damnation for me!

Can someone please get the door?
I'm fucking pregnant.

I thought I was fucking pregnant!
Oh shit, maybe I'm not that cured.

Goddamn, look at your asshole!
It looks like a baboon's ass!

I sure hope my pussy doesn't look
like that when I poop out this kid.

Oh, you're such a bitch
sometimes. Stop teasing my mangina!

What the fuck do you want, fag?

I'm here to deliver some
more vitamins to Mrs Hate, sir.

Let's see, there is 30 grams
of Crystal-icious, a kilo of pixie dust,

an 8-ball of Crack-A-Doodle-Doo,
a gram of Crack-Out-The-Light and a...

oh, and here's a diet soda.

Who on Earth ordered the diet soda?

I did. Maybe you like chubby
babies but I certainly do not.

Sounds like you guys
are having a blast here.

It seems all of Hollywood's having a party.

I've been really busy
tonight with some hot superstars.

Fucking God, dude, I love this town!

I hardly think you've catered to anyone
as famous or as fabulous as us tonight.

Welcome to Planet A-List
you lesser-known character.

Well, that's true. But I just
delivered to Miss Bunny Hornet's house

and she was having a real fuck-fest!

She was fucking with three European dudes,
and boy, were they getting it on!

I could tell because the whole
house reeked of uncut cock.

It smelled like that store, Dickory Hickory Farms.

You know that place where
they sell you cheese and beef

and force all those free fucking samples
on you every time you pass the shop?

This chick was getting a whole lot of
cheesy meat samples, if you know what I mean.

It's strange when you think of it because

couldn't they just afford a cotton-swab,
for Christ's sake? They're fucking rich!

How hard is it to clean the smegma
that grows underneath their foreskin?

Just slide the cotton swab
underneath the foreskin

get it in and go 'round
and 'round and 'round in a circle

'til you get that
buttery cheese sauce.

It would be like cheesy cotton
candy! Yum, cheese swab.

That'd be cheesetastic and
I sorta... I'd want a sample

I'm sorry. That will be $5000, sir.

Wow, it sounds like
someone has foreskin fever.

Here you go, you freak.
Get the fuck out of here.

Hey, guys. Could I interest
you in a clock radio?

No?

Well, then how about a fucking
sharper knife? Shit. I hear you guys.

You hate sarcasm, right?

Strange, even though I'm close to death
I can still smell a faint hint of foreskin.

Does death smell like head-cheese?

Hey! Keep it down!

Alright, more swingers!
Come on in, cats, the water is warm.

Look, guys, some more holes.
And a pole! Goddammit, I'm not cured.

Guess it's eternal
hellfire for me. Oh well.

Bullshit! That's those trash-picking
fucking fucks, in my house?!

Not in my lifetime.

Well see, that's the ironic part.

We are here to save you! Set you free!

Hey, baby, the only thing
I want you to set free

is the white pee from my man cock.

Now that's what I call a circumcision!
Now to circumcise your head!

God, Hadie! You can be
really inconsiderate sometimes.

You think that brain marrow just washes off?

Watch my hair, you asshole!
This hairdo is worth more than you are.

Oh, the indignity of having
to be killed by a commoner!

What will the society page
say tomorrow? I simply will die.

Now that's what I call a
close shave. God, I rock tonight.

Don't be afraid. You should rejoice.

We are angels sent down
from heaven to save you!

Heaven, my ass! You're probably from
the Valley, and God your hair is so flat.

I'm not talking hairstyle here.
We're talking about salvation.

Hex, will you quiet little
miss debutante's mouth?

Or you could smash her head into a
million pieces. Whatever works for you.

Talk about a headache.
God, I am killing them tonight!

My hair, my beautiful hair!
You got blood all over it!

Look, bitch, we have no mercy
for you or your profound hairdo.

Maybe we can rehabilitate
her baby. Then he can join us.

Oh, he is adorable! Can we keep him?

Well, okay. But the little
fucker's got to drive.

This sucks! Who's
going to fuck me now?

All my best features are on
the floor. God, my body's huge!

Goddammit Hay, why didn't you tell me you
could put a stack of books on that ass?

Hay? Hay? Goddammit Hay, would
you stop sucking your own cock?

Sorry, babe but I
never knew how tasty I am.

Hay, don't be so selfish.
Give Mama some loving!

Roll over to the other side of the
room and satisfy my tasty twat.

It looks so lonely over there, dripping
its love juices all over the carpet.

Oh my God, the maid is
going to kill me! Oh well.

Come on, sweetie,
finish me off, will ya?

Honey, your choice of words
is not the best right now.

I don't feel so good.
I think I'm fainting, babe.

Just like a man. Whenever women
want some head they fall asleep.

See you in hell, miss... Hate.

Save me a seat. You know what
the worst part of dying is?

You just know you're going
to miss all the best parties.

Our work is done here. You know,
death does smell a little like head-cheese.

No, that was me.

What, did your cock just fart?
Let's get out of here!

Hadie, we really gotta
talk about your comedy act.

Who's up for going to
Bonnie Hatkin's estate?

What? So am I too boring to
be hacked to death? Assholes.

Oh! I can't believe it! What on
God's green Earth is going on here?

What a dump! What the hell
are these sickos up to now?

How in the sweet, sweet taste of Jesus
Christ's mouth am I going to get

the stains out of those
curtains? And the carpets?

I just vacuumed the living room!
All this blood and gore.

God, this is going to be a
long day. Praise the baby Jesus!

May he suck on my tits and get the
nourishment he so richly deserves!

Oh my dear God! God, oh my sweet,
gooey, delicious saviour!

I'm sorry to interrupt your
programme, ladies and gentlemen,

but we just got some
shocking news in Beverly Hills.

Our own Nick from channel
13 is on location. Nick?

I'm here in Beverly Hills, where a gruesome
crime scene has just been discovered.

Last night at the fabulous mansion of the
wonderful movie actress, Mrs. Sharon Hate,

she and her rich and wonderful friends
were savagely attacked and murdered.

Miss Hate and her friends were
at her home being fabulous

when the attacks occurred.

The house's carpets and
drapes were also ruined,

so claimed the maid of the actress.

Also killed was an unknown person,
who wasn't even remotely fabulous,

but smelled like head-cheese.

The actress was supposed to film a
huge epic in the desert this week,

the Valley of the Hogs, and will
now be unavailable to film the movie.

Nevertheless, the police said whoever
committed this heinous crime

will be in a lot of trouble if caught.

Furthermore, a grocer who planned to
build several supermarkets in the desert

is now going to build the
Sharon Hate Memorial Parking Lot

that will cover the entire desert.

Good God, that is awful news!
So tragic and so sad

that such a beautiful star
has been dimmed forever.

And those poor drapes
and carpets in her house!

I know how hard it is to get
blood out of shag carpeting.

My wife was having a really
heavy flow day the other day

and was bleeding like there
was no tomorrow. She bled everywhere.

All over the rugs, the walls,
and even the kitchen appliances.

The house looked like a slaughterhouse.
So my condolences to the maid.

She has a rough road of
hard cleaning ahead of her.

Oh, and my half-assed
condolences to that person

who was not even remotely fabulous,
and smelled like head-cheese.

I have two words for you, fella: cotton swab.
But I guess it's a little late now.

Hey, let's be honest here.
If you're not blonde, hot, or rich,

we basically couldn't give a fuck.

No, you were nothing like that tender,
delightful, and yummy Sharon Hate

who gave us many a laugh and tear in such
fine films as "Take This Cock and Shove It"

"The Felching Pig", "Effie the
French-Speaking Monkey".

We will miss her way
more than we will miss you.

At least Miss Hate will
live on in our hearts forever

when we park our cars in
her memorial parking lot.

-You know what we have to do.
And this time I will drive.

Gee, those movie stars sure
do lead exciting lives.

I wish something interesting would
happen to us. I'm so bored.

Get them gooks. Glass
those yellow motherfuckers.

Three points for the US of A.

God, I wish I had a son
so I could send him to Vietnam

to fight for this wonderful country.

But your eggs are so
saturated with Martinis

it is be impossible for
anything to grow in there.

Except for maybe our very ----

You simply reek of menopause.

The only thing that passes
from your cunt lips is yeast,

and you can't send bread
to fight a man's war.

Oh, I'm still fertile.

But the only reason I
would get pregnant by you

is so that I could have the
pleasure of having an abortion.

Maybe you could send my
aborted fetus to Vietnam.

I'm sure he would
fight better than you.

Really? So now you're too
good to have my children?

I wouldn't want to have children
with you, because how would it look

to have a newborn with a connecting
eyebrow and hair on its back?

We shave you, darling,
and we can shave the baby.

Goddammit, would it kill you to
be attractive? You're simply hideous.

Get off my asshole, you haemorrhoid.

Oh great, a hippy.

I'm sorry, but if you're collecting
for UNICEF you can count me out.

I have my own problems to deal with
and besides, we're saving up for a pool.

Hey, asshole, shouldn't you be out
there killing people for this country?

That is precisely what I plan to do.
Alright, now last time you blew it.

You panicked those people last night.
Don't panic these people.

I'm sure they have enough on their
minds. They don't need any more stress.

Just cut them up like ribbons and be
done with it. No one likes a show-off.

Be nice to them and let their
spirit live in peace to infinity.

Charlie? They're right over there and
they can hear every word you're saying.

Just do it.

And don't forget to do something witchy!

Jeez, who ever thought the son
of God would be such a hot-head.

Alright, people, now listen up.
Relax, and nothing is going to happen.

Me and the girls are
going to brutally murder you

and write on your walls with your blood.

So there's absolutely
nothing to worry about.

Okay, let's begin.

Shit, did I think that
or did I say that? Oh, fuck it.

That's one man that won't
send his son to Vietnam.

Cool! That political trip you're
writing on him is sure intense.

I'm not even going to
ask what that's all about.

Alright, kids, let's get out of here.

We will now wait in the desert
until Helter Skelter comes.

Goddammit! Did Charlie fucking leave?

How the fuck are we supposed to get
back home? Take the fucking bus?

You know? For the Messiah,
he sure can be selfish sometimes.

From Charlie's shaft to the
shaft of the bottomless pit

came the locust on the Earth.

And they were given
the power of the scorpions.

They were told not to harm
any green growth or any tree,

but those who have not the
seal of God on their foreheads.

Their faces were like human faces,
their hair like women's hair.

They have a king over them,
the angel of the bottomless pit.

We were in the pit with our king
and there were waiting for revolution

and then eventually, paradise.

It is here! It is over!
We have won the battle!

Hey, excuse me.
Sorry to disturb you guys

but we're from the
police department.

You wouldn't happen to be those
folks who have been killing

all those nice people
in Hollywood, are you?

They look like something that
came out of my asshole this morning

but I could have sworn I
flushed that down the toilet.

Hey Bill, when you say something came out of your
ass and you flushed it down the toilet

you are talking about
american poop balls, right?

Frank, of course I am. Everyone knows
that poop comes out of assholes

and cocks go into them. How can
you flush a cock down a toilet?

Jeez, would you guys stop
talking about poops and cocks?

Is that all you guys
ever talk about anymore?

Poops and cocks, poops and cocks.
Just ain't normal.

Like Francis yesterday at dinner,

you're all obsessed with finding
them corn kernels in your stool.

You kept going on and on about
how you'd not eaten corn in weeks.

I mean, who gives a flying fuck?
There are more important things

to talk about than what
goes in or out of your anuses.

Should maybe think about
more important matters

like capturing these
killers down this hole.

It is not a hole.
It is a bottomless pit!

-Listen, hippies, get your...
-Oh and also, we are not hippies.

We prefer to be called Slippies
because we slip away from establishment.

Well, you're not getting away from
us, you pus-filled maggots. Get 'em!

Then it was all over.

We were taken away from our home,

handcuffed like we were
animals, and for what?

Saving people's lives,
saving the world?

I couldn't understand
what was happening to us.

Why was it so clear to us
that Charlie was the Messiah

and others were
blind and deaf to this?

All the good things
we could have done

All the wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful things left undone.

All the good, good things
we could have done.

All the wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful things left undone.

We took care of that pig actress

and who is going to miss her?

We were going to cut the
eyes out of Liz Taylor

and mail them to Eddie Fisher.

All the good things
we could have done

All the wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful things left undone

And wouldn't it have been nice
to have Joey Heatherton on ice?

That awful singer
Tom Jones. So lame

I was to fuck him and cut
his throat after he came.

And how are we gonna survive,
not having Frank Sinatra skinned alive?

I can almost hear his curses.

Peel off his skin and
make it into purses.

All the good things
we could have done

All the wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful things left undone

All the good, good things
we could have done

All the wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful things left undone...

You have anything to say, Mr Hanson?

And please, let me remind you
that no matter what you say

will not matter in the slightest

because you have already been found guilty
in the eyes of the press and the public.

But don't let that stop you!

Go right ahead and
make a fool of yourself.

Maybe flap your arms about
and glare at the camera.

The press are eating that shit up!
Just a little more news-time for me.

There's been a lot of
charges brought against me

and brought against the
co-defendants in this case

of which a lot could be
cleared up and clarified

to where everyone could
understand exactly what The Family

was supposed to have been,

what the philosophies in
regards to the family were

and whether or not was any conspiracy
to commit murder, to commit crime

and to explain to you
who thinks with your minds.

I know the only person
I can judge is me.

I am content with myself.

These children that come to you with
knives, they're your children.

You taught them. I didn't teach them.

I just tried to help them stand up for
themselves and stand up for the environment.

Most of the Family were
just people you didn't want.

People that were left along the road,

that their parents had kicked
out, and so I took them in.

and I did the best I could in
raising them, and told them this:

that in love there is no wrong.

You eat meat with your teeth

and you kill things that
are no better than you are.

You reap the Earth and destroy
its lakes and chop down its trees

and in the same respect you
say how bad and evil we are.

You make your children what they are.

I am just a reflection of every one
of you. My message will last forever!

Maybe this generation will look
blind on my works and actions,

but believe me, there will be a time

when what we did here will
be remembered and be honoured.

We are just a few.

There's always your children's
children, and they're coming at you.

My children will one day rise.

That's it? That's all you've
got for us, Charlie?

Not even that sappy
music in the background

could save that
sorry-ass speech of yours.

But it really doesn't matter.
Jury, what do you say?

We, the jury, find him
and his family guilty.

I also find you and your
sad excuse for a family guilty.

Guilty I tell you! And sentence you
to death. Death by crucifixion!

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say crucifixion?

Please forgive me, but you have to ammit
there is a slight resemblance there.

I mean you will be gassed,
put in the electric chair

and then hung until you're all dead.

You just don't fuck with Hollywood.

Do you think actresses just
grow on trees or something?

It will take weeks to replace
that divine Sharon Hate! Weeks!

Get them out of my sight!

Prosecutor Bug, are you
happy with the verdict?

Yes, I'm very happy with the
verdict, thank you very much.

But I cannot believe that Charlie
Hanson had the gall to say

that he'll be remembered
forever for his crimes.

And just to prove him wrong
I'm gonna write a bestselling book

with plenty of pictures about him
and his family. That will show him.

Will any proceeds from the
book go to the victims' fund?

Of course not. I do
need a pool, you know?

I just hope my book sells
a billion, trillion copies

so that an entire rainforest
will have to be cut down

to make the books.

Which would be an everlasting
tribute to that wonderful actress

whose life was cut
down way too shortly.

What a wonderful talent.

Wonderful piece of ass,
which will be missed by many.

Thank you, thank you very much.

So we were found guilty
and sentenced to die.

We laughed when we heard the verdict

and it still makes
us laugh right now.

We are in the place
where you cannot see us.

We are in your closet, in your
room at night while you fuck.

We whisper the message in your baby's
ear while it sleeps in its crib.

You can never kill us.

I am saved through Charlie
as your children will be.

And the locusts rising
from the bottomless pit

were told not to harm
the grass of the Earth

or any green growth, or any tree,
but only those of mankind

who had not the seal of
God on their foreheads.

They were allowed to torture them,
like the torture of a scorpion.

So the nomad went back to the
tribe and told the other tribesmen

the tale of the Messiah sent down
from the heavens to save man.

He told them that
Charlie is everywhere

and most importantly he told them
about Charlie's message of love

and how to use that love to
overtake other tribes with knives

so they can also
experience their love.

The tale was told and then retold
from generation to generation

and the legend of Charlie Hanson
lived on forever and ever.

Amen.