Littleman (2006) - full transcript

One, two, three...

...three, three.

Yo, what comes after three?

Four. Four comes after three.

-I don't hear you counting.
-Four.

Four.

-Five.
-Five.

-Six.
-Six. Faster.

-Seven, eight.
-Sims. Sims!

You're going home.

I'll see you around, sweet mouth.



Inmate on deck.

-He'll be back.
-What's up, baby?

See you around, big man.

Gate open.

Where the hell is this guy?

Cal. Cal.

-What an idiot.
-Let me pop this door for my man.

My main man,
just getting home from prison.

-Percy.
-I'm sorry, Cal.

You stupid?

All right, wait. Hold up.
So they want us to steal a diamond?

-How much your man Walken paying?
-Dig this. A hundred G's.

A hundred G's?

-That's good loot.
-Enough to get my label started.



Let me give you a taste
of my first single.

-It's fire.
-Yeah.

Never been shot before...

...but I've been beat about the skull
and the neck area with a crowbar.

Check the lyrics, check the lyrics.

I'II take you to the butcher shop

Let you Iick a big pork chop

GirI, I know you Iike ham hocks

If you're Jewish, I even got Iox
Hey! Hey!

Yo, camel-mouth.

-That's 50 Cent.
-Cal, that's not 50 Cent.

He talk about candy.

I'm talking about meat.

That's a whole other level. P-Unit.

You better off stuffing your money
in a mattress.

Yeah. I bet you gonna
mess your money up...

...on booze and cheap hookers.

-So?
-What you need to do...

...is just find you a nice girl
and settle down, Cal.

Come on, P,
you know that ain't happening.

I mean, you being all short and all.

Let me tell you something
about love.

I never had it. I don't want it.
I don't need it. All right?

You ain't gotta keep hitting me, Calvin.
I'm not your child.

How am I gonna be a hard-core rapper
if you keep putting your hands on me?

Don't push me
Because I'm cIose to the edge

Check this out. You hang in the back
until Vanessa gets here.

When I give a signal, you come out.

That's cool. I got you.

Hey, Jimmy, please, man.
This is the biggest day of my life.

-It's gotta go off right, okay?
-Baby, what'd I tell you? I got you.

And can I say something?

-Congratulations, man.
-Thank you.

You done stepped up to the plate.
Give me a hug, homeboy.

Oh, man, you done did it,
you know.

Hey, man, you ain't had to do this.

You know, the valet tripping.

-Made me park around the corner.
-Jimmy, get-- Beat it.

-Thank you. Thank you.
-Get on it.

-Hi.
-Hey, beautiful.

So I'm so glad
that you got out of work to be here.

You think I wouldn't take off work?
And miss this? Are you crazy?

Look at you, beautiful.

-You are glowing. My God.
-Thank you.

It feels like it was just yesterday...

...sitting in this same restaurant,
when I asked you to marry me.

I'm still working on that diamond.
I didn't forget the diamond.

I know, baby. You are the sweetest,
most supportive man on the planet.

Can I talk now?

-I'm sorry. Go ahead.
-Okay.

So you know what I've been waiting
all week to find out.

Yes. Yep.

-Well, I got the news...
-Yeah.

-...and I'm--
-Pregnant. Yes! Yes!

-Having my baby
-Oh, no.

-Is so important to me
-No. No, no.

-Darryl. Darryl.
-Baby.

-There's nothing more speciaI
-Darryl-- No, honey, I'm not pregnant.

-I'm not pregnant.
-Than to raise a famiIy

-Excuse me, sir. Sir. Sir.
-I thought that you--

-Hey.
-And--

-Sir.
-Jimmy.

-And--
-Sir!

No. Stop. No.

I'm not pregnant.

-No?
-No.

You're not pregnant?

Baby, but you was nauseous
and throwing up all over the place.

Well, I was very nervous.

Baby, what are we doing here?

Darryl...

...I got the promotion.

And we're movin' on up
To the east side

Jimmy.

They'II be movin' on up
To that apartment in the sky

-I'm gonna hurt him.
-Hey. Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy, stop.

-Man-- Man, you ain't got to do this.
-Hey....

-Okay, then. All right.
-Beat it.

Congratulations.
I'm really proud of you.

But?

But I thought we was gonna
start a family.

We will, baby.

You know, with this promotion,
everything's on track now.

In a couple of years I'll be senior V.P.,
and I can take time off to have a child.

A couple of years?
I don't wanna wait years.

Darryl, you know,
having a baby changes everything.

Hey, I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.

So no more late-night poker
with the guys.

Cool.

No more...

...afternoon quickies.

Stop right there.
We haven't had a afternoon quickie...

...since your father moved in.

That is not fair. My dad is getting old.
Sometimes he forgets things.

I don't feel comfortable
with him living by himself.

What about Whispering Glen?

That place looked like a country club
inside the brochure.

They got Viagra vending machines.

You listen to me.

Until he is a danger to himself
or others, he is staying with us.

Now...

...can we celebrate?

Celebration, come on
We gonna ceIebrate tonight

Come on, come on, let's celebrate
Let's not have a fight

And I'm not taIking tonight

Remix!
Now just you Iadies

Celebrate, celebrate
Celebrate, celebrate

Hey, oblivious.
What are you doing?

Getting ready to rob a jewelry store,
Calvin.

I'm going straight Jesse James.

Percy, put the gun away. Guns
is how you wind up back in prison.

I'm telling you, I ain't going back
to jail. You understand?

Now put the gun away.

Why you gotta keep hitting me, Cal?

Sometimes I gotta slap
some sense into you, Percy.

Come on. Give me a hand.

Now, would you trust the big man?

I got a plan, yo.

Now, this stone is a 3-karat,
G-color diamond.

-VVS2, nearly flawless.
-It's been a pleasure, sir.

Just be cool, Cal. I'm telling you.

Oh, there she go. There's--

Go ahead. Do your thing, Cal.

Pardon me for just a moment.

-Do your thing.
-Yes? May I help you?

Percy. CEO and A&R
of P-Unit Records.

Here to pick up jewelry
for one of my artists.

Well, holler at your girl.

Step this way, Percy P.

I like the way you said
my name just now.

Can I sit down? She's sitting down.

Of course you may.
Would you like some gin and juice?

Well, I'm gonna show you
some shiznit right about now.

Yes. Come to daddy.

Now that's what
I'm talking about, baby.

So, what can I get for you
today, Percy P.?

All of the above.

I'll send one of my assistants
from P-Unit Records...

...to pick everything up.

Just tell him to pull up to my bumper,
and I'll throw that junk in his trunk.

Word?

Let me get up out of here.
I gotta bounce.

I got some people meeting me
down there, and I gotta....

So I'm gonna leave, you know?

-Okay? See you later, all right? Peace.
-Peace.

Be cool. What's going on in there?

Has anyone seen my dog?

Hi, puppy.

He stole my dog.

Holy crap.

The Queen's diamond. It's gone.

Relax. We almost there, man.
We about to be paid, man.

I need the police.
Yes, there's been a robbery.

We did it. Modern-day
Butch Cassidy and Sundance.

Come back here with my dog.

-Get out of here, mutt.
-You just tossed a Chihuahua.

-Come on, let's get out of here.
-Gotcha that. We are gone.

Come on, Percy.

-Oh, man.
-This ain't time to be doing doughnuts.

I can't believe this, man.

Damn it, Percy.

You got a boot on the car,
and you about to get one in your butt.

-She finally got me.
-Who?

Nettie, down at Motor Vehicles.
Said I got her pregnant.

I went to family court.
I had all my receipts.

I'm out.

-Hey, yo, Percy. You forgot something.
-What?

Me!

-Come on!
-Sorry, Cal.

-They went that way.
-What'd he look like?

-Black.
-I got him.

-Dark or light?
-Medium.

Suspect is escaping on foot.
African-American male.

About 5'1 0", not real dark,
more of a mocha-caramel color.

What? You shot?

Sweet bejesus.
My muscle, I think I pulled it.

Quick. In here.

Yo, quick, put me down.
We gotta split up.

Okay.

It's late because of the stress,
not because I'm pregnant.

Please, don't even say words like
"stress." It's not good for the baby.

Darryl, there is no baby.

-Aisle two.
-Well, why didn't you just say that?

-Okay, let's go.
-Okay, fine. Just humor me, okay?

-Okay, let's go.
-Okay.

-Enough.
-Okay, okay.

I got one!

-Come on, man.
-Do not resist. Do not resist.

-I'm not resisting.
-Wilson. Wilson. Wilson.

Come on. It's not our guy.

What? You said African-American.

Yeah, but I said
a mocha-caramel color.

He's like a Starbucks black decaf,
maybe a little cream.

-It's not our guy. Sorry about that.
-Come on, man.

-You sure?
-Yeah. He's okay.

-Wilson!
-Well, he looked mocha to me.

-Thank you.
-What?

He looked real shady. He gonna
do something else, and I'll be waiting.

-You still got the diamond?
-No.

-I had to ditch it.
-Where?

In her bag.

Calvin, now what?

We go get it.

Let's go. Come on.

Follow that car.

Yo, there they are.

-There is no baby.
-There is.

-Honey, there is no baby.
-Well, there will be.

Let's go.

Daddy, we're home.

-There's my baby girl.
-Hi, Daddy.

Who's the best daddy
in the whole, wide world?

-I am.
-I know you can do better than that.

Who's the best daddy
in the whole, wide world?

-I am.
-I can't hear you.

I'm the best daddy
in the whole, wide world!

So, what's the good news?

Dad...

...I got the promotion.

Congratulations. Soon you'll make
enough money to leave that bum.

Oh, Dad, he's not a bum.

No? What kind of man
gives the woman he loves...

...a wedding ring with no diamond?

Hey, as soon as I make enough
money, I'm gonna buy her a diamond.

And I'm going to do the nasty
with Jennifer Lopez...

...while Halle Berry tickle my butt.

You know, for a moment
I thought you were gonna tell me...

...you were gonna let this one
impregnate you.

But I see now, this man
ain't got no bullets in the chamber.

What's that supposed to mean?

You heard me.
You're shooting blanks.

-Cooking with a wet noodle.
-What?

Can't hoist the mainsaiI

My sperm have fallen
and it can't get up.

I'll have you know,
I hit that every night.

Hey, that's my daughter
you talking about.

-Back up, old man.
-Okay, okay. Stop. Stop. Please.

Gentlemen.

Dad, we are going to have a baby
when the time is right.

Play nice.

It's still in the bag.

Still in the bag.
Let's go get the rock.

Yo, Percy, how many times
I gotta tell you? No guns.

What we gonna do?

Walken is gonna kill us
if we don't give him the diamond.

Then I guess we gotta find
a way to sneak in.

Well, they did say
they wanted a baby.

No. No.

No. I ain't dressing up like no baby.

Keep still, Cal. You heavy.
You gonna make me drop you.

You drop me
and I'm gonna drop you.

Now, look, you stay close.

I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna
get the diamond, and I'm out.

If you don't mind me saying, Cal,
you make a cute little baby.

I'm out.

You couldn't find
nothing better than a dog basket?

You just be cool. I told you,
this gonna be great, Cal.

Just hold tight.
Everything gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be over here
in the bushes.

Move, dog.

Get out of here.
I'll make a coat out of you.

Get out of here
before I feed you some chocolate.

Get out of here, you fleabag.

-Go.
-Get out of here.

Wait, hold--
Wait. Muttley, wait. No, no.

Honey.

-Yeah?
-Come here.

-What is it, Darryl?
-Look.

Oh, my God.

It's a baby.

I know. And here's a note too.

"Plez luk tafter Kalvin.

We wuzn't abele to keap em."

Poor guy.
His parents must've been retarded.

Well, let's get him inside.

-It's cold out here.
-Okay, okay. All right.

Come on, little guy.

-Yes.
-I got you.

Oh, damn.

-What in the hell is that?
-I don't know.

Man.

Dad, we found a baby
on the doorstep.

-What? What is it? A boy or girl?
-Dada.

I think it's a boy.

Well, whatever it is,
it smell like piss.

Yeah. I think Janet may have left
diapers here. Let's look.

Doesn't your dad have some
diapers upstairs?

I heard that. I don't wear diapers.
Who you talking about?

Haven't worn a diaper in years.

I think she put them in here.

What is it?

That ain't no baby.
That's a porn star.

What on girth is that?

I'm gonna call Child Services.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Do that.

Directory assistance.

Yes, can I have the number
for Child Services, please?

Connecting you.

ChiId Services is now cIosed
for the weekend.

We wiII re-open at 9 a.m.
Monday morning.

They're closed for the weekend.

The office doesn't open
until 9:00 on Monday morning.

So, what do we do now?

I say, toss this creature back in
the Black Lagoon where it came from.

Daddy, stop it.

Maybe we should call the police.

-That doesn't sound good.
-No, we should take him to the doctor.

Get him checked out.
Who knows what he's been through?

-Okay?
-I'll go get the car keys.

-All right.
-Okay.

Now, when you get to the hospital,
don't stop. Don't stop.

Toss that monster out the window
and keep moving.

Hit the accelerator. I don't wanna
see that little ugly thing again.

Stinky little thing.

Was it a little cough?

-No.
-No.

No, this was like a grown-man,
smoker's cough.

Well, it's probably nothing.

Come on, let's get his shirt off.

He's a strong little fella.

Oh, my God. What is that scar?

From the look of it, I'd say...

...this little guy has had
his appendix removed.

Or he was
in one hell of a knife fight.

What kind of person
tattoos a child?

Oh, you'd be amazed. Come on.

Open up. Open up and say:

Come on. Come on. Come on.

-Wha--? What is it?
-I've never seen a...

...baby with bridgework.

This child has the mouth
of a 40-year-old man.

I can't tell whether these teeth
are coming in or falling out.

Well, he's gonna be okay?

He's fine.

His tonsils are a little swollen
and he might have a bit of a cold.

As a precaution...

...you should take his temperature
before you put him to bed.

-All right. Thank you, Dr. Murphy.
-Okay.

-Thank you very much.
-Bye.

This is just-- It's horrible.
Look at this child.

Let's turn him over
to the authorities.

They can find his parents
and prosecute them.

Are you crazy? We can't do that.

This kid's been through the wringer.

Besides, his birth parents
are probably crackheads.

They're just gonna
put them in rehab.

Then they'll be back on the street,
selling him for a bag of rocks.

What are you saying?

I'm saying,
why don't we just keep him?

-Just until Monday.
-No. No, Darryl.

-Just until--
-He's a child.

-I don't know what to do with a child.
-Just until Monday.

And then we'll take him
to Child Services.

They'll find a home for him.

Besides, who could take
better care of this child than us?

-Where is he?
-Oh, man.

Where do you think you're going?

Well, what do we got here?

-Is this your baby?
-Yes, thank you.

Well, actually...

-...we found him--
-Mama.

He called me Mama.

There you go.

Thank you, officer. Thank you.

You know, Percy,
I don't like having to look for people.

Who, me? I wasn't hiding, Mr. W.

Not Percy. Not the Kid.

I was gonna come
soon as I got the diamond.

So you don't have
my diamond, huh?

No. I mean, I do.

I don't have it on me now,
but it's safe.

We got everything on lockdown.
Believe me. Trust me.

You trying to hustle me, Percy?

Hustle a hustler?
Ain't nothing happening, Mr. W.

It's just that the robbery didn't go
as smooth as we wanted to.

And a situation had popped up,
so we had to split.

-But my partner, he--
-Your partner is not my problem.

My problem is
I don't have my diamond.

Now, I'm gonna give you 24 hours.

After that, my problem becomes
Bruno and Rosco's problem.

And they...

...become your problem.

You got a problem with that?

Ain't got no problem with that, Mr. W.

I got it all under control, I swear.

Don't want a smudge on it,
not a speck, nothing.

Not a smudge.

Okay, Mr. W.

Get him out of here.

-Get him out of here.
-Come on.

Ain't nothing better
than the evening news...

...and my favorite, milk and cookies.

Damn, I forgot my milk.

Jeez, man,
you can't be popping up like that.

For a moment
I thought you were Chucky.

About to put you in a chokehold.

What are you looking at?

A man who exposed himseIf to
poIice officers in a doughnut shop...

...cIaimed that voices
made him do it.

Oh, honey, look how
comfortable he is with us.

He is so cute.

Oh, no, you don't.

No, you don't. No, no, no.

-Dad.
-Come on, Pop, let him sit there.

-Let him have a cookie.
-This is my throne, my sanctuary.

This is my air, my end zone.

-It's just a cookie.
-Oh, it start with the cookie.

Then they want to come to dinner.
Then they want to move in.

Next thing you know,
they're married to your daughter.

-Why he got to bring it back here--
-Already made that mistake once.

-Come on, now.
-Honey.

No more, my brother.

Nobody makes a fool out of me.
I'm from Detroit.

-Everybody's here.
-I can't wait...

...for everybody to meet little Calvin.

-I'm so excited.
-Yeah, yeah.

Introduce him to everybody else, and
go over to somebody else's house.

Cookie got a little bite to it.

-Hi. Come in, come in, come in.
-Hello, hello, hello.

-Hello, hello.
-I'm so excited.

-Hey.
-Hello.

-Consuela, welcome. Come in.
-So where is the little one?

-Here's Calvin.
-Here's Calvin.

-What a mess.
-Honey, that's not nice.

He's scary.

Yeah, well, I mean....

-I mean, lucky he's not yours, right?
-Yeah.

I just think he is precious.
I think he is a precious gift from God.

You know, God gives gifts.

Sometimes he wraps them in a hurry.
Sometimes. Isn't he a precious gift?

Oh, yeah. He's adorable...

...in a NationaI Geographic
sort of way.

What is he, a pygmy?

Consuela, why don't you take
the kids to go play?

Yes, good idea.
Come on, guys.

Tommy, show Nicholas
that scissor-lock thing...

...we've been working on, huh?

Hey, little man.
No hard feelings, right?

Give me five.

Hey, guess what, Calvin?
We brought you some stuff.

We got you some stuff.
We got a box full of bottles, bibs.

Oh, and all of the Dinosaurus Rex
tapes you could possibly want.

Well, thank you. That's a lot of stuff.

He is so cute. I got your nose.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Oh, you got my nose.

You got my nose. Yes, you do.

He's got my nose. He's got my nose.
He's hurting--

Darryl, he's hurting me.

-He's hurting me.
-Okay, okay, okay.

Wow, is he strong.

Yeah, tell me about it.
I still can't feel my hand.

Okay, Darryl, I think you should
take the crib upstairs.

-Yes.
-Ladies, will you help with this stuff?

Okay.

-Guys, help me grab this.
-I'll get this box.

Let's go into the kitchen.
Come, Calvin.

-Come on, baby.
-Come on, little pumpkin-butt.

Janet, this fits perfectly.

-Thank you.
-Let me see.

I'm glad I kept it.

Can't remember the last time
I could wear horizontal stripes.

But, you know, here I go again.
How about you, woman of the hour?

-Congratulations on the promotion.
-Oh, thank you.

It's awesome.
Was Darryl so excited or what?

No, actually. He was disappointed.

Baby up-up.

He thought I was going to tell him
I was pregnant.

Okay, right.

Little Ms. Corporate-Climber
pregnant?

What? You guys.
I want to have a baby at some point.

You could schedule one between
a conference call and a client meeting.

Okay, you know, Darryl is the one
that I'm really worried about.

Are you kidding me?
You're lucky he wants one at all.

I had to promise Greg
I'd give him these.

Okay, now. Okay, easy, fella.

This one's real grabby.
He must have been breast-fed.

Is the baby hungry?

He should be nursed.

Baby like nursey-nursey.

Well, are you sure
you should do that?

Yeah. You don't have to be
the birth mother to breast-feed.

-Nursey-nursey?
-You want to nursey?

Okay.

All right.

-Drink up, precious.
-This one's real wriggly, huh?

Come on. Come on, now. Suck it.

Latch-- Oh, that is not okay.

Let's get these kids home.

I have to take Nicholas and Chrissy
to Mommy and Me tomorrow.

Oh, have fun.

Don't worry about the nose.
He's adorable.

-Thanks for all the stuff.
-Call if you need anything.

-Bye, good night.
-Good night.

If you change your mind
about Consuela, you can take her.

-Oh, thanks.
-I've got, like, all the chores.

One for you...

...and one for the baby.

He's a little charmer, isn't he?

Call me.

I could have sworn he just
stuck his tongue in my mouth.

-Well, I-- That was-- I thought--
-That went well.

-Yeah.
-I thought they thought he was cute.

Great. You're wonder--
Oh, Calvin, you did so good.

-Come on. Yeah.
-You did so well.

If that lady touches you in a way
that makes you uncomfortable...

...you let us know, okay?

-Yeah. You're the charmer.
-Yeah.

Does that warm water feel good?
Does it feel nice?

Yeah. Look at you.

Do you want some company in there
with you?

I think we can work that out.

Yeah? Yeah?

Hey, Darryl?

Hello. It's bath time.

Come on, let's get clean.

We gonna clean your little butt-butt.
Yes, we are.

And then we gonna play
Snatch the Marbles.

We're gonna fart in the tub...

...and make our own
little Jacuzzi bubbles.

Oh, the little baby.
Yes, you're so clean now.

You're so nice and clean.

Hey. Okay-- Calvin.

Okay, Calvin.

Okay. Hey, Darryl?

-All right, sweetie.
-Hello, little boy.

Hi, cutie.

Now it's time to get you
all dressed for bed, huh?

Don't forget the doctor said
we need to take his temperature.

Okay.

-Yeah.
-All right.

Open up wide.

-Darryl, what are you doing?
-I'm taking his temperature.

Sweetie, he's a baby,
so that's a rectal thermometer.

Yeah. Go ahead.

-You're such a--
-Okay, baby.

All right. Here we go. There we--

-Oh, shit.
-Darryl, what are you doing?

Darryl, come on. Darryl, just--

-I'm trying to--
-Honey.

It's okay, Calvin. It's okay.

-If he'll just roll over here.
-Okay, good, good.

-I could get him down like--
-No, no.

-Wait, be gentle. Calvin, it's okay.
-He's a little strong.

Okay, all right.
Nobody likes this, I know.

I know, nobody-- Nobody likes this.

It's okay. It's okay.
Oh, yeah. There we go, son.

-Here comes the choo-choo train.
-You're okay, baby. Oh, yeah.

It's in the tunnel, son.
It's almost at your stop.

There you go, little man.

Now, this is gonna put you to sleep.

All right, little buddy.

Good night, baby.

Like this thing's gonna
put somebody to sleep.

I'm gonna wait for you
to go to sleep.

I'm gonna get my diamond
and be out.

Come on, baby, be in here.
Come on.

Come on.

Come on, where you at?
Where you at?

There we go.

Hi, beautiful. Yes.

Man, this idiot better
pick up the phone.

People calling here all kind of time.

Like people don't live here. I mean,
you can't be calling nobody house....

P-Unit Productions, in association
with Go Get a Girl Entertainment.

-Hey, yo, Percy. It's me.
-CaIvin?

-What's going on?
-I need you to come pick me up.

-Now, look, I got the dia--
-Reach for the sky.

Who you talking to, sonny boy?

Oh, don't give me that old...crap.

Hand me that damn phone.

-Who is this?
-Me no speak no English.

Wrong number. Sorry.

Who the hell's "No speak the English"?
Who the hell is this?

-Say something.
-What are you doing?

I heard some noises,
came downstairs...

...and caught this little hoodlum
on the phone.

-Must've looked for the safe.
-We don't have a safe.

-He didn't know that.
-Dada.

Pop, man. He's a baby.

It's his first night in a new house.
Probably couldn't sleep.

Look at you. You look crazy, man.
Holding a shotgun, wearing red socks.

You look like Fred Sanford on crack.
Put that away, man. Go to bed.

Oh, you are good.

You are real good.

I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

You gonna give me the finger?

Where did you learn that, huh?
BET videos After Dark?

Him scary.

There we go.

Don't pay him any mind.
He just a old, crazy man.

I know just what to fix you
so you can have a good night's sleep.

Go. Boy, you must have
had a rough first night.

That's because I'm new
at this dad stuff.

Give me a minute,
I'll get it together.

Man, can't imagine
what kind of life you must have had.

I'll tell you this:

This weekend is gonna be
the best weekend of your life.

You know why?

Because I'm gonna show you
how great it is to have a dad...

...and you're gonna show me
how great it is to be a dad.

Vanessa don't think I can do it,
but I know I got it in me.

You know why? Because
I would never abandon my child.

Ever. I'll always be there for him.

And there'll never be a time
when my son can't come to me...

...and talk to me
about anything in the world...

...over a nice, warm cup of milk.

What's so funny?
What are you all giggly for?

You're drinking Janet's breast milk.

Baby, you did the right thing,
letting him stay with us this weekend.

Thank you.

But you know, I still can't wait for us
to have one of our own.

-Yes, I know.
-All right.

You wanna know the nice thing
about you not being pregnant?

What?

We get to keep trying.

Honey? What about the baby?

He's asleep, don't worry about him.
You've got me.

But, honey...

...he's watching.

He's too young to know
what's going on. Forget him.

Okay.

Okay.

Good morning.

More like, great morning.

Looks like someone had a really good
night's sleep last night.

Who could sleep?

-You were an animal last night.
-Oh, well, you know--

I don't remember the last time
we did it twice in one night.

Twice?

Hey, when did he get in the bed?

I don't know. I don't know
how he gets out of that crib.

He's such a crafty little fella.

You want some breakfast?

Some more ass.

Twice?

-How's my baby girl this morning?
-So good, Dad.

-How are you?
-Mighty fine, thank you.

No, no, no.

Thanks very much, Jim.
And in other news...

...poIice have a suspect
in yesterday's daring diamond heist.

It is this man,
CaIvin "Baby Face" Sims...

-...who was reIeased--
-D. Rex, D. Rex, D. Rex.

Stop that,
whatever you're talking about.

D. Rex, D. Rex, D. Rex.

Just be quiet.

-D. Rex.
-Baby Face--

Dad, let Calvin watch his show.

You have to be the adult.
Let Calvin watch his tape.

-I wanna watch the news.
-I don't care what you wanna watch.

He was watching the TV first.

I'll read the news.

I tell you, the world is going to hell
in a handcart.

Wow, Dad,
you really cleaned your plate.

What?
That hobgoblin ate my breakfast.

Oh, Daddy, don't be ridiculous.

I ain't being ridiculous.
That little sucker ate my breakfast.

I'm going to the diner, where I can eat
and watch the news in peace.

Okay, Dad. Be careful.

Why don't we get you some food?
You must be so hungry.

It's time for you to eat something.

-Morning, sweetie.
-Oh, good morning, baby.

Hello.

-I have your breakfast right here.
-Oh, goodie.

Oh, sweetie, okay,
now your dad is really tripping.

Last night, I caught him
holding little Calvin at gunpoint...

...because he heard him
talking on the phone.

That is-- That's crazy.

Well, you know...

...just now he ate all of his breakfast,
and then he told me the baby ate it.

-Can you say, "Whispering Glen"?
-No, Darryl.

No nursing homes, okay?

I don't wanna have this conversation
with you again.

I have to go to work,
but the baby's food is here.

-And I love you.
-I love you too.

Have a good day. Kiss. Feed him.

All right.

Okay, okay, let's get you all fed.

All right. Open up wide.
Here come the airplane.

Oh, I see.

You want to play a game
of peekaboo, huh?

Okay, okay, okay.

Peekaboo, I see you.

Peekaboo, I see you.

You gotta be kidding me. God.

Darryl?

Where did I put it?

Honey, I forgot my purse.

Darryl. Darryl.

Sweetheart.
You can't just fall asleep like this.

Oh, honey, I know that you're tired,
but you have to watch the baby.

You take your eyes off him for a
minute, God knows what could happen.

I was....

-Darryl.
-I was....

-What...?
-I don't--

Honey, just take him to the park
or something, okay?

Okay.

What...?

Peekaboo. Then I don't-- What?

We gonna play baseball.
We gonna play football.

And we're gonna play golf.

And we're gonna shoot a plane.

We're gonna have fun.

There we go.

All right, son. Now, don't be afraid
to really swing that bat, okay?

Now, the trick is to really
keep your eye on the ball, okay?

Here we go.

Yeah, you want that sucker
to really fly.

You wanna give that thing a lot of air,
okay?

There you go.
Give it some good pump.

You want it to really fly.
You want it to blast off.

Yeah, there you go.
No, no, no. You want to point that up.

No. No, no, son. What are you--?
No, no, no. Don't push that button.

Okay, so now, what you wanna do
is you wanna wind that baby up...

...and you throw it
as hard as you can, okay?

-Okay.
-All right. Come on.

Look at that. Yeah.

Yeah. Look at that sucker.

Where'd it go?

The ducks teach you playfulness.

Here, you can borrow this if you want.
He'd love it.

Hey, Dad-For-A-Weekend.

How's it going?

I think they designed all the toys
to hit you in the nuts.

Oh, yeah.

Get off.

Richard, I bet my son could
kick the crap out of both your kids...

...blindfolded,
one hand tied behind his back.

Come on, Greg.
Nicholas is a sweet, sensitive kid.

He's not a fighter.

I'm telling you, Darryl, see, you gotta
be tough on kids nowadays.

All right, the slightest bit of weakness
and they could end up...

...like that.

Well, I don't know about all that,
but I gotta be honest with you.

I'm starting to dig this father thing.
It's kind of cool.

It's kind of like I get to do all the things
that I never did with my dad.

-You know?
-That's real cute.

Really, I think I'm having
a positive influence on him.

Cee-lo, that's right.
Dig up in your OshKosh...

...your babyGap and pay the man.

-That's right. Yeah.
-It's not fair.

Come on,
put your money in the pot.

Whine to your mama,
don't whine to me.

Right, good game, good game.

Come here, you guys. Come here.

Yo, y'all bring
your money tomorrow...

...I'm gonna sell y'all some pictures
of some naked girls.

What I say?
Y'all don't like big breasts?

Daddy, can I have some ice cream?

Sure, sweetie. What flavor?

-Vanilla.
-You got it.

-I think we'll go with you.
-Okay.

-You're getting big.
-Janet, do me a favor?

-Could you watch Calvin for me?
-No problem.

Calvin.

Percy.

-Cal, you get the diamond?
-Yeah, it's in the diaper bag. Come on.

Hold hands.

Cal, which one is it?

The one with the duck on it.

-They all got ducks on them.
-I think it's that one.

Come on.

Hey, that guy's not even
here with a child.

Hey.

Hey, get away from him.
Girls, let's get him!

-I'm out.
-There he is.

Pumpkin, are you okay?

-Did he touch you anywhere?
-No.

No? Okay. Good.

-Hey, is everything okay, Janet?
-It's not okay.

Some sick pervert tried to run away
with this little guy.

Hey, that psycho
took my diaper bag.

-What?
-Damn.

Pervert.

Okay, we gonna get you home
where it's nice and safe, all right?

Keys, keys. I want the keys.

Keys, keys, I want keys.
Keys. Keys. Keys.

No, no, no.
Daddy needs these to drive the--

-Keys.
-Oh, God.

Keys. Give me the keys.

-Oh, no. Here. Take that.
-No. Keys.

-I want keys.
-Play with that for a while.

-No, no, no. I need these.
-I want keys.

-Want keys.
-Okay, here.

-Keys.
-All right, all right.

All right, you wait right there,
and I'll be right back, okay?

Hey!

My car. My kid.

Hey, stop!

Someone just stole my car
with my kid in it.

Hop in.

-Thank you.
-Let's go get that son of a bitch.

Damn.

Man, my wife is gonna kill me
when she finds out about this.

My advice to you
is don't tell her a word.

I left Bobby Jr.
at an amusement park.

Told his father he was at
summer camp. Bought me a week.

Hello? I'm on my way.
I'll be there in about five minutes.

I have the cupcakes. Yes.

I didn't bring juice.
You didn't tell me.

-Don't talk to me that way.
-Excuse me.

-I'm hanging up.
-Oh, my God.

I'm hanging up. I'm hanging up.

Watch the road, moron.

Come on, baby. Let's go.
Let's do this.

Oh, wow, you are really upset.

It makes me feel so good to know that
there are people out there who care...

-Mommy, Mommy....
-...about their kids-- What?

--as I do.

-Mommy, Mommy.
-Just one second, honey.

I'm fixing my makeup.

-Mom.
-What?

I think Dillon did a doodie.

-Mom, hurry up. Come on, hurry.
-Change him.

Oh, wait, no. Wait.

Oh, my God. Excuse me. A truck.

Excuse me. A truck.

There you go.
Can you hand me the powder?

What? No, stop.

We're gonna die.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry.
You'll get your little boy back.

It ain't worth it. Let me out.

Oh, no.

-Suspect got away.
-Damn it!

-But the kid's okay.
-I want my daddy.

I want Daddy. I want my daddy.

Thanks for everything.

Oh, by the way, I run a carpool...

...if the little one ever needs
a ride to preschool.

-Daddy.
-That's my kid.

Daddy. Daddy.

-Are you okay, huh?
-Daddy.

-Son's okay, but car's totaled.
-Screw the car. Long as he's okay.

I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry, little buddy.

I would never want anything
to happen to you.

I love you, man.

-Mr. W.
-Yeah.

Your boy came through. I got it.

Bring it to me.
Watch my drink, babe.

Keep looking. Keep digging in there.
It's in there. It's in there, baby.

Look around in there.

Mr. Dub,
could you dig deeper in there?

Damn.

Is that a dirty diaper?

-Did I just touch a dirty diaper?
-Wait a minute.

Whoa, that baby had
lasagna last night.

I know it's in here.
The diamond's in here.

-He said the diamond's in there.
-Your 24 hours are up, Percy.

And you haven't
delivered my diamond.

Do you know
how that makes me feel?

Please, Mr. Dub, give me a little
more time. I promise I'll get the rock.

It makes me feel like
wanting to hurt you very badly.

But I won't.

Because that diamond
means more to me than your life.

Now, you get out of here
and find me that diamond.

-Get out of here.
-I promise you, okay? I got you.

Follow him. Find his partner.

Get me my diamond,
then stick them both in the ground.

Aren't you taking this a bit far?

I didn't even know they made
a LoJack for kids.

No, I'm telling you, I'm not taking
any chances. This guy's tricky.

Maybe I should skip the game.

Are you crazy?
They're playing Detroit, D.

Why don't we pack up the little ugly
son of a bitch and take him with us?

You really think
that's the best idea?

Yeah, Richard,
I do think it's the best idea.

It's never too early
to become a Chicago fan.

-You know what, I'm in.
-Yeah. Come on, let's go.

Okay, but when the ladies ask,
I was the one that said no.

I-- No.

Are you ready to see how exciting
a hockey game is?

It's like boxing on ice.

Five rows up behind the penalty box.
Who the man?

-Yeah, boy. Yeah.
-That's right.

Let's go. Come on. Come on.

-Go, go, go.
-Come on, what are you watching?

Did you see that play? Hey.

What you got in your mouth there,
little fella?

What you got in your mouth?
Open up. Open. Let me see.

Oh, okay, it was nothing.

Come on.

T Man!

-Come on.
-Here we go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

-All right, who needs drinks?
-I'm good.

Oh, wait. Yeah,
I guess I need another one, please.

-Thanks.
-Thanks.

How about you guys?
Anything to drink?

-Yeah, I'll grab a beer, sure.
-Me too, me too. Get me one.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

-Okay. Here you go.
-Nice ass.

Pig.

Tramp.

What the hell was that for?

-What did I do?
-You know her?

No, I don't know her.

I don't know-- I don't.

-Hey, man. Get your own.
-Hey.

-What?
-Beer. It's empty.

-So get another one.
-I'm gonna--

-Get off. Wait.
-What's your problem, man?

-Come on, man. Come on, Miller.
-Miller.

You suck.

-You suck, man. You suck.
-Shut it, you losers!

Want some of me? Come down here.
Come play with the big boys.

-You're a bully. You're a bully, man.
-Yeah, I thought so, you princess.

-Come on, you.
-Pick on somebody your own size.

Come on down here, then.

Who did that?

You. You're dead!

He's gonna kill me.

-Get out of my way.
-It wasn't me. It was the baby.

-You're mine.
-Get him.

Hockey fight!

He's got my ear.
Get this baby off of me.

-Hey. Hey, hey.
-Is that all you got?

I don't know, baby.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm not ready to be a dad yet.

It really wasn't your fault.

It's so funny, man.
It just happened so fast.

I took my eyes off him
for one second and:

He would've never had
another birthday again.

Hey. Why don't we do that?

Why don't we throw him
a birthday party?

Well, we don't know
when his birthday is.

So what?
We'll celebrate it tomorrow.

We'll throw him a big birthday bash.
The biggest birthday party he ever had.

That is a really good idea.

And I got a little surprise for him.

Does everyone know
what time it is?

It's time to dance and sing,
and have lots and lots of fun.

Hey there, boys and girls,
it's Dinosaur Rex...

...your favorite prehistoric pal.

Now, where's the birthday boy?

-There.
-Yo, no, no.

-Happy birthday.
-Hey, yo.

Happy birthday, IittIe buddy

I got a nasty hangover...

...and a rock stuck in my gut...

...that got my colon backed up
like rush-hour traffic.

Now, either you're gonna stop
with your fruity kid songs...

...or I'm gonna kick you
right in your furry balls.

-All right?
-Well...

...maybe we should talk
about manners.

Now, manners are very important.

When I was a tiny lizard, my mom
told me that if I had good manners...

...one day I could grow up to be
president of the whole United States.

But instead, you entertain
snotty-nosed kids...

...in a crusty, blue dinosaur suit...

...that smell like sweaty armpits
and baby urine.

Far cry from president, buddy.

I just got out of rehab.

Because of the new
"deadbeat dad" law...

...my wife's garnishing 85 percent
of my dinosaur wages.

So if I weren't afraid to lose this job,
I'd kick your ass.

Oh, you so pathetic you need
$4.50 an hour that bad?

Come on, get your ass kicked.

-Bring it on.
-Come on. Come on, then.

-Hey.
-Oh, you mine now. You mine.

Get him, get him, get him.

You little bastard.

That was a cheap shot.

-You stink.
-I hate your show.

It has been confirmed,
the driver of the stoIen vehicIe...

...matches the description of
the suspect in Friday's diamond heist.

-PoIice are Iooking to question...
-I knew it.

...CaIvin "Baby Face" Sims.

Sims, who was recentIy reIeased from
state prison, has thus far eIuded--

Hey, guys, what do you say
we liven this party up?

We have a little
father-son football game.

Football? Greg, I don't know.
I don't think that's a good idea.

Nicholas is a little young
and small for football.

How about Simon Says instead?

You know, Richard, your son
practically squats to pee.

Come on, man.
Look, we gotta scar these kids for life.

All right?
We gotta toughen them up a bit.

You don't--

-Come on.
-Come on.

Darryl, you in,
or does Calvin have ballet class?

I'm down.

-All right.
-All right, let's do it.

Football? That's not in the books.
I've read all the books.

Yeah, you're wetting yourself here.
Go play football.

-You sure?
-Rich, let's go.

-It's 7-0 already.
-All right. I'm playing football.

Take off the sli-- Oh, my God.

Whoa, here we go.

P-U-T-I-T-I-N
Put it in

P-U-T-I-T-I-N
Put it in

You and me, this is father-son stuff.
Right here, huh? Here we go.

-Ready, set....
-I love you, baby.

Hike.

One Victoria's Secret. Two--

-Oh, God.
-Yeah.

You want the hospital
or the graveyard, punk?

Yeah.

-Here we go.
-Are you okay?

-I thought this was a touch game.
-You have his license number?

-What is he doing?
-Sorry, D, did I hurt your vagina?

Our team is what? Dynamite
Our team is what? Dynamite

-What's going on?
-Our team is

Dynamite

Break.

Run, Dad.

Nicholas, are you okay?

Game on.

-Just stay down, son.
-Thattaboy. You did it.

Now, that's why we put creatine
in our corn flakes.

-You okay?
-Punch him, kick him

Stick him in the eye

Here we go, here we go.

All right, here we go.
Come on, boys.

-Yeah.
-Your husband is a brute.

-That's right.
-Yo, Greg, man.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Hey, what are you doing, Greg?
Man, he's a kid.

Hey, Darryl, Darryl.
Shut your pie-hole, man!

-It's football. It's football.
-I know.

-Stop acting like a bitch.
-Why you starting, man?

Come on, let's go. Man, come on.
You guys suck.

It's time to kick some butt. Come on.

Ready, set, hike.

-I got him.
-Nicholas, block left. Come on.

-Tommy.
-How do you like them apples?

-Get him.
-Yeah, come on.

-Yeah.
-Yes. Yes.

Tommy, what's going on?
You call that a tackle?

Told you,
you gotta stay in the zone.

You gotta eat some lightning
and crap thunder, son.

You wanna get up?
Come on. Come on. Come on.

-Come on. Come on, man.
-Shut up, Darryl. It's my son.

All right, it's do-or-die time.
Last point wins.

Nicholas, you ready?

Purple Haze. Purple Haze 1 5.

Ready, set, hike.

Follow me.

-Go, Nicholas. Go, Nicholas.
-Come on, come on.

-Bring it on.
-Go. Go.

-Go. Oh, my goodness.
-Come on, get up.

Go, Nicholas. Go, Nicholas.
Go, Nicholas.

-Come on.
-Tommy, hurry.

This team is dynamite
We're dynamite

-That's my son.
-That is my boy. That is my boy.

You did it, son.
You crapped thunder.

Nine months inside. Yes.

Dad, Dad.

-Yeah, son?
-You suck.

Son, Dad hurt his pee-pee.

-Get up, you pussy.
-I can't.

All right, everybody, here she comes.
Everybody, on three.

One, two, three.

They trying to punk me.

AII these peopIe trying
to make a fooI out of me.

Trying to make me cry.

I didn't cry when I went to prison,
and I ain't gonna cry now.

I don't care if I never had a mother
who threw me a party.

Today is my birthday
and I'm gonna smiIe, damn it.

I wish I had a famiIy.

Well done, baby. What is this, Dad?

I got a gift for the kid.
I know I've been a little tough on him.

But it ain't easy when I've been
the center of all the attention...

...and all of a sudden,
a kid walk in the house. A baby.

I want you to know now,
from now on, I'm here to help.

Now, Calvin, make a wish.

And I hope all of your wishes
come true.

Oh, great, you're here.

The bouncy's in the back.
Just go around the side.

No, I'm here to get my son.

Little dude. Little man.

-Son?
-That's right.

I didn't think I could do it,
but I got myself together, baby.

So if you just give me the boy,
we're gonna slide out of here.

So you're the guy
who left his baby on my doorstep...

-...in a dog basket?
-That's right, but that was a mistake.

The guy who gave
his own kid a tattoo?

Wait. I can explain that.
His mother was in the service.

The person responsible for allowing
his baby boy to take a knife in the gut?

Wait. The boy needed discipline.

-You should be castrated.
-What?

Ain't nothing wrong
with my bowel movement.

I go two, three times a day.
Let me tell you something.

I ain't got to explain nothing.
I'm a grown--

You just caught yourself the official
Brooklyn beat-down, homes.

You just entered the dragon,
homeboy.

Word up. I'm gonna tap you
right on your Flintstone.

Here it come, homeboy.
Here it come, homeboy. Here it--

Who is Mike Jones?

Get the hell out of here.
And don't come back.

I want my mother.

Looks like Percy's partner
decided to keep the rock for himself.

-Better go tell Mr. Walken.
-Yeah.

There you go. Good.

-Come on.
-Honestly, Janet...

...I don't know how you do it.

-What's that, sweetie?
-All of this.

The parenting, the responsibility.

It's really no different
than any other career.

I mean, you have scheduling, you
have planning. Budgeting, of course.

I guess the big difference
is that my boss...

...I want to slather in kisses
all day long.

And I can, without being sued
for sexual harassment.

And you don't miss the job at all?

You know,
sometimes I think I miss it...

...but then I remember
all they really liked about me...

...was the money
that I made for them.

You know? I mean, this....
This is real. These guys dig me.

I am a diva, a giant, a goddess.

I'm perfect. Aren't I perfect?

Mommy, I don't feel good.

What's the matter, honey?
You got a tummy ache?

Yeah? Think maybe it's from
eating 1 6 pieces of cake...

...and beef jerky...

...and a balloon? Yeah.

-Is he gonna be okay?
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a little teaspoon of this--

It is magic.

--and he will poop very shortly.

It'll slide right out.

Good boy.

Well, maybe you should
take him home.

Yes, maybe we shall.

-You wanna go home?
-And you too. Yeah.

Oh, goodness,
what do you feed this kid?

What do I feed you?

-All right. I'll see you soon?
-Okay.

-Thank you.
-See you later. Come on, hon.

Such a good boy,
helping your mom.

Oh, sweetie. Wha--?

Oh, honey, what's wrong? Sweetie?

-Hey, little man, what's the matter?
-I don't think he's feeling well.

Are you okay?

What's the matter,
you gotta make a poo-poos?

You gotta make a poo-poo.
He gotta make a little poo-poo, yeah.

God.

What's going on, man, huh?

Ain't that cute.
He made a little surprise...

...for Mommy.

-Mom--? For me?
-Go ahead.

-Mommy take care.
-Darryl, why me? I did it last time.

Wash your hands
before you make dinner.

Come on, Calvin.

Come on.

Man, what a day.

-I can't believe you did this.
-Did what?

-This. Darryl, it's so beautiful.
-I did-- I--

It's so romantic,
the way you put it in his diaper.

Then you made me change him
even though I didn't want to. Oh, so--

-No, but, honey--
-We should go out and celebrate.

-Somewhere nice? I'll change.
-Wait.

Thank you, baby.
I love it, I love it, I love it.

-I love it, I love it, I love it.
-I gotta talk to you.

-Baby, come here.
-Damn.

Are you sure you guys
are gonna be okay?

-We'll be fine, won't we, little boy?
-I love Papa.

-All right. Bye.
-Okay.

Y'all have a good time, now.
I know we will.

Bye-bye.

We going to have a good time.
He's a nice little boy too. Yes, indeedy.

He's a cute little boy too.
Look at the little baby.

Yeah, he's a good little boy.
One, two, three.

Now, you come clean,
you little punk. Who are you?

Where you from? What you all about?
What is all this?

Look here, old man.
You been a real pain in my butt.

And you're right,
I did rob that jewelry store.

And now there's some
real bad people after me.

And the people you love
are gonna get hurt...

...if I don't get that diamond.

And I don't want that to happen,
so you better just stay out of my way.

Hey, yo, Percy, it's me.
Be here in a hour.

-I'll have the diamond then.
-How can you do this to us?

We took you in,
thought you were a child in need.

-You turn out to be a lowlife thief.
-Look, I didn't mean for it to go this far.

I was just trying
to get my diamond and be out.

-You ain't getting away with it.
-Then it's time to dance. Come on.

-Baby, I--
-Sweetheart...

...this means so much to me.

I know it's not real.
Look at the size of this.

There's no way
you could afford that, but....

Well, it's what the ring symbolizes
that makes it so special to me.

-Yeah, about that, baby. I didn't--
-Please. Let me finish.

Please. I know that you are
not the one who isn't ready. It's me.

I have always needed
for everything to fit my schedule.

And you have shown me that
sometimes life doesn't work that way.

It's unpredictable, and sometimes
you have to go with the flow and....

I'll never be ready
until it just happens.

-Vanessa, I just wanna tell you--
-I think that we should just do it.

Do what?

Let's adopt him.

Tomorrow let's take the baby
to Child Services...

...and start the paperwork.

You mean we can keep him?

-Yeah.
-Yes.

So, what did you wanna tell me?

Nothing.

Nothing at all. Let's-- Let's toast.

Okay.

You don't mess
with a man from Detroit.

I'm from Detroit.

The hell you doing?

-What's going on?
-Daddy, get off of him.

-Get off of the baby.
-Stop it.

Ain't no baby. That's a criminal.

I have had it with you.
I'm calling Whispering Glen.

Vanessa, I ain't crazy.

You see, I know what is
and I know what ain't is.

And he ain't is what he say he is.

You see, "is" is and "ain'ts" ain't.

Check the teddy bear.
The teddy bear.

Teddy bear knows.

-Come on, then. Please.
-We'll take good care of your father.

Whispering Glen is a safe facility.

Give him
a couple of days to adjust...

-Let me go.
-...and then come visit.

Vanessa, believe me.
"Is" is, "ain'ts" ain't.

Use the Taser if you have to.

Check the teddy bear.

The teddy bear.

I'm gonna go put him to bed.

Yeah.

Man.

How does one child turn a household
upside down in a weekend?

Look at this place. It's a mess.

Check the teddy bear.
The teddy bear.

Teddy bear knows.

Grandpa bad.

No. No, baby. No, no, no.

Papa's not bad.
He didn't mean to hurt you. He just--

He's a little.... Yeah.

Now, Iook here, oId man.
You've been a reaI pain in the butt.

And you're right,
I did rob that jeweIry store.

And now there's
a Iot of bad peopIe after me.

PeopIe you Iove
are gonna get hurt...

...if I don't get the diamond back.

Vanessa.

Vanessa.

-Where's Calvin?
-I put him in the cr--

-Where's the diamond?
-It was--

-Gone.
-Damn. Pops was right.

-I'm calling the police.
-I'm gonna get my dad.

Dad!

Yes, I have some information
on a stolen diamond.

That's what I'm talking about.

We did it. We rich, baby.

-Yes. Just in the nick of time.
-We blinging.

Walken and his goons
is going to that house.

-What?
-Don't worry.

He thinks Darryl's my partner.

You idiot. Walken will kill him
if he don't have his diamond.

Exactly. Which means
he won't be coming after you.

It's perfect. We get away scot-free.

This is the time you hit me, right?

Let me pull over.

Don't start beating me
like I'm a R & B singer, man.

Police is here. Hey.

Hey. Can I help you?

Is this the guy that
double-crossed Percy?

Yeah, that's the guy, boss.

I don't know anybody named Percy.
You must got the wrong guy.

-Cut the crap. I want my diamond.
-I don't have it.

Too bad. I guess we're gonna
have to beat it out of you.

I just called the police.
And they're on their way over here.

Really? That doesn't leave us
much time then.

-Take him.
-Wait, wait, wait. Wait, guys.

Dada?

Dada.

Who's this little guy?

That's my son.

Take him upstairs.

-I wanna talk to you.
-Cute kid.

It's-- Just-- I don't have--
Listen. That's my nipple.

Time to take a nap.

Night-night?

And don't worry about any loud noises
you may hear downstairs.

It's just us beating up your daddy.

Here you are.

Nighty-night.

Click.

Now tell me, where's my diamond?

I told you, I don't have it.

You don't tell me
where my diamond is...

...that cute little baby of yours
is gonna get hurt.

Moron, get the kid. Get the kid.

I want him.

There you are, little buddy.

Come on.

Come to Uncle Rosco.

Okay. Play nicey-nicey.

Okay, get your ass up.

Yeah, get up. I got you now.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ain't so tough now, are you?

Back up. Or I'll shoot you.

Shoot me, tough guy. Come on.

Oh, boy.

I'm surrounded by morons.

Here. You dropped your gun, sir.

Here you go. It's all yours.

-What are you gonna do?
-Wait, wait, I--

Come on, get out of here. Come on.

All right, dude.

You busted my Sergio da Vincis,
$62.50 designer frames.

Not cool. Not cool.

Okay, buddy.

We can either do this the easy way
or the hard way.

I think I like it the hard way.

Did we get him?

He's yours, man.

Dude...

...you just woke the dragon up.

Prepare for pain.

It's time for the dragon
to go back to sleep.

What are you doing?

-Stop.
-You going down, Sasquatch.

Better not.

What the hell is going on here?

That ain't no baby.

-Who else is here?
-Nobody.

-Who's here?
-Nobody, I swear.

Come on.

Inside. Inside.

There's the little monster.

Listen, what does he got there?

-It's an airplane.
-Tell him to get rid of the plane.

Get rid of it.

Calvin, throw the plane.

What are you doing?

Don't move.

Save it, tough guy.

You're not gonna shoot me.

But I will.

Freeze! Police!

Freeze! Police!

I got this. You check the house.

Black cops, come with me.
White lady, you stay here.

I'm telling you, guys,
that ain't no baby.

He's the mastermind
behind the whole thing.

Get him out of here.

He's a stone-cold killer, that kid.

Would you get this thing off me?

Relax. Where you're going,
you might want to keep that on.

I don't wanna go to jail.

It's too dark. There's no TV.

Hey, where you going, little guy?

Ain't this your kid?

Dada?

Yeah, that's my son.

Now, Calvin...

...don't you have something
for the nice policeman?

-No.
-Come on.

You don't wanna go to prison
with the rest of the bad men, do you?

There we go.

Hey, the diamond.

Thanks, kid. Now your dad's
gonna get a big reward.

-A reward?
-Yeah, the insurance company...

...offered $1 00,000
to whoever found the diamond.

A hundred thousand dollars?

God, that's gonna come in handy.

Shoot, I could get my car fixed...

...get a new wedding ring
for my wife...

...I could take a vacation,
buy a TV set--

And if there's
any change left over...

...I'll give a little something
to my son.

Right. Well, we'll be in touch.

So....

Oh, come on.
Let's not get all mushy about this.

Let's just shake hands
and part ways like men.

All right? No hard feelings?

-Nah, no hard feelings.
-All right.

Besides, it was kind of cool
having a son for a minute.

See? There you go
with all that sentimental stuff.

If that's the game you wanna play...

...I guess it was cool
having you as a fa--

Oh, boy.

What I'm trying to say is,
I've never really had a daddy.

I guess what I'm saying is...

...you're gonna make a great father,
all right?

There, I said it. Are you happy now?

Now, I'm gonna walk out
that back door...

...and you ain't gonna
see me no more. Ever.

-But--
-Oh, it hurts.

-We--
-I know.

We'll never see each other again.

-But we--
-Maybe that's for the best.

You'll start a family...

...and you won't need
a lowlife criminal like...

...Calvin Sims around anymore.

Actually what I was gonna say is,
we don't have a back door.

Okay, well, then I'll go out the front.

-Fine.
-Well....

I'll be out of your lives for good,
never to return again.

Cool.

So long.

Farewell. Oh, God.

Aren't you gonna miss me?
Just a little bit?

-See you around, buddy.
-No?

Take care.

Goodbye.

It's so hard to say goodbye

Why?

Nobody loves Calvin.

Because I'm short.

-They think I'm ugly.
-Hey, little man.

Wanna share a glass of milk?

Enough of all this girlie stuff.
This ain't Brokeback Mountain.

Hey, how about we put a little
bit of liquor in that milk?

Forget that. Let's go to a bar.

All right. Bet.

-Are you over 21 ?
-And then some.

All right.

Hey, I know this great strip club.

Don't say that loud.
My wife might get mad.

-Oh, sorry.
-Got change of a hundred?

-No, we steal it from Pops.
-All right. All singles.

You a cute little fellow.
Yes, you are.

Take after your mama.
You got a lot of grandpoppy in you too.

Yes, you do, little boy.
Look at the little boy.

Where's the bottle?
The kid is starving.

I'm coming. I'm coming. Old grouch.

Here he comes, little boy.

Don't worry.
We gonna get you some milk. Yeah.

That little guy's so cute...

...it's making me go soft.

He look just like his daddy.

Howdy-do, little boy.