Little Nicky (2000) - full transcript

♪ We're from the school
The school of hard knocks

♪ Who's ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Are you ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Rock it up, suckers,
I can rock about the blocks

♪ We're from the school
The school of hard knocks

♪ Who's ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Are you ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock



♪ Rock it up, suckers
I can rock about the blocks ♪

BOY: Let me show you
what I made today.

I can't wait.

I need to go
upstairs and change,

and then
I'll start dinner.

Okay.
Okay.

(SONG PLAYING ON STEREO)

♪ And the feeling's right

♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies night

♪ Oh, what a night

♪ Oh, what a night

(SINGING ALONG)
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies night

♪ And the feel... ♪

Ooh, showtime.



Rough day at the office,
Mrs. Dunleavy?

You'll feel better
once you get out of
those work clothes.

(CHUCKLES)
And into some sweats.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah...

Oh. I wish you'd let me
rub those feet.

Of course,
I wouldn't use my hands.

(WHEEZING)

Oh.

I think Victoria
just told me her secret.

Oh.

(IMITATES CYMBALS CRASHING)

Oh, my, deedly dee.

Are those things for me?

(SQUEALS SOFTLY)

Oh.

BOY: Mom.
Coming in.

Oh. Scottie Dunleavy?

What unfortunate timing.

Get out.

Don't you know
this is naughty time?

(TELEPHONE RINGS)
I'll get it.

Hello?
Hello, Scottie.

Say, why don't you
be a good little boy,

go downstairs,
let your mother get
comfy, all right?

Who is this?

This is a big bird
who wants to see
the rest of Mommy.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(GASPS)

Oh, oh.

Oh, my God, Scottie.
Is that a man up our tree?

No, no.
Tell her it's a bird.
It's just a big bird.

(MIMICKING BIRD CLUCKING)

Ah!
Ooh!

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

Hey, pal, welcome.

Welcome to what?
Where am I?

(MAN GRUNTS)

Aren't you that horny guy
who was pretending to be
a big bird?

Checking out
that beautiful mom?

(MAN GRUNTS)

Yes, I am.

Now you're gonna see
what a big horny bird
actually looks like...

In Hell!

(CAWING)

Oh! Ah!

(LAUGHING)

(BIRD GRUNTING)

No! No! No! No!
(LAUGHING)

I deserve this!
I deserve this!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

(BIRD SCREECHES)

(THUNDER CRASHING)

(METAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)

Knock, knock.

Hey, Jimmy.

What are you doing, Nicky?

I'm just jammin'.

Your father wants to see
you and your brothers
down in the throne room.

He's not retiring today,
is he?

He just wants to talk to you
and Cassius and Adrian

about who's gonna rule Hell
for the next 10,000 years.

Well, what do
I need to go for?

He's not gonna pick me.

(LAUGHS) I happen to think
you'd make a great devil.

No, I'm not into
evil and torture
and all that stuff.

Plus,
the Prince of Darkness

should have sort of
a distinguished look to him,

and let's face facts,
I'm no George Clooney.

(WHEEZING LAUGH)

You know, you're not
a bad-looking guy, Nicky.

Look at you
in that picture.

Yeah, I used to
talk normal, too,

but that was before
my brother Cassius

hit me in the face
with a shovel.

That's me now,
and I accept it.

Well, your brothers
are two of the sickest guys
I have ever seen.

For some reason,
you're not.

It's nothin'
to be ashamed of.

Well, their mothers
were fire dragons

and my mother was a goat,

so how am I gonna
compete with that?

Your mother
was not a goat.

Your brothers are
just playing with you.

Either way, if one of
those psychos gets picked,
I'm doomed.

CASSIUS: I knew it, Adrian.
He's finally retiring.

Cassius, I've been
waiting on this day
for 10,000 years.

Whew.

If the old man picks me
to take over Hell,

I'm gonna keep
torture going 24-7.

No breaks.

MAN: Whoa, Mama!
Ooh.

ADRIAN: You got him
right in the eye.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey.
Oh.

CASSIUS: How's Daddy's
little girl doing today?

Oh, I didn't see
you guys over there.
What's up?

(SNAPPING FINGERS)
Hey, shovel face,
you wanna mind-wrestle?

Actually, nah,
I'm all right.

I was thinking
of chiling out by the
throne for a little bit.

CASSIUS: I'm gonna
mind-wrestle you
whether you like it or not.

NICKY: Well,
I have to warn you,

I'm getting
pretty good at it.

CASSIUS: Then I guess
I can't make you do this.
(GROANS)

NICKY: Okay. Mercy.
You win. I give. Game over...

What are you boys doing?
(NICKY GROANING)

Nothing, Dad,
just hitting the old
punching bags.

Cassius, didn't I
tell you to stay out of
your brother's mind?

I forgot.

Maybe this will
help you remember.

Ah! Ooh!

Now, everybody
come sit down.

Hey, Dad.
Yes, son.

I... I know you got
a lot on your mind,

but I almost finished
that Monsters of Metal
compilation tape.

I really think
it's turning into
a masterpiece.

Okay, kid.
We'll listen to it later.

Thanks, thanks.

Oh, a window.

Hello, Mr. Devil,
I like your cape.

(WHEEZING LAUGH)

(SQUAWKING)
(SQUEALING)

(PEEPER GRUNTING)

I deserve this!

Fellas, this, as some
of you might know,

is my 10,000th year
as Prince of Darkness,

so I think the time
has come to discuss
who will succeed me.

Uh, knock, knock.

Yes, Jimmy?

Don't forget.

You're shoving a pineapple
up Hitler's ass at 4:00 p.m.

This was a very
difficult decision,

because I have
three wonderful sons.

I mean, Adrian,
so smart, so ruthless.

Wears makeup.

And Cassius,

so strong, so tough.

Don't forget
clinically insane.

And Nicky...

Such a sweet boy.

(LAUGHS)

But after much thought

and careful consideration,

I've decided that the ruler
for the next 10,000 years

is going to have to be...

Me.

BOTH: What?
Hallelujah.

I mean, that sucks.

The important thing for
the stability of our rule

is to maintain the balance
between good and evil,

and I don't think
any of you

are ready for
that responsibility yet.

Dad, this is bullshit!

I don't like
that language.

Ahem.

Right, right.
Send him in.

Sorry, boys.
I have to get back to work.

NICKY: Well, it was good
hanging with you, Dad.

I'll check you later.

(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Mmm-mmm.

(GRUNTS)

Mmm-hmm.

You're schnerious?

HITLER: Ah!

Off, off, off, off, off.

Ah...

Damn!

20,000 years ago,
Grandpa Lucifer said,

"It's better to rule in Hell
than to serve in Heaven."

Well, I'm tired
of serving in Hell.

We need somewhere
where we can rule.

(ROARS)
(LAUGHS)

Bring it on, big man.
Let's see what you got.

(WHIMPERS)
(LAUGHS)

Could you concentrate
for five seconds?

I am concentrating, man.

I'm sorry.

After careful consideration,
I must respectfully decline.

I can't stand retirement.

Come on. Just let me
win one Super Bowl.

In exchange for eternal
damnation of your soul?

You're much
too nice a guy

for me to want to do
that to you, Mr. Marino.

You did it for Namath.

Yeah, but Joe was
coming here anyways.

This sucks.

I'll just go
to the Super Bowl
as an announcer,

and I'll win myself
an Emmy!

That's the spirit.

You're a good devil, Dad.

And I also happen
to be a Jets fan.

(LAUGHS)

What do you
think about Earth?

We could create
our own Hell there.

Are you saying we can go up
there and kill everyone?

Eventually, Cassius,
but first,

we'd have to corrupt
as many souls as we can,

so that when
we do destroy them--

Their damned souls
will be ours.

It's our time, brother.

(PEOPLE YELLING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

This is not good.

This is not good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fellas, what are you doing?

BOTH: We're leaving.

GATEKEEPER:
You can't go through there!

The fire flows in,
not out.

(BOTH YELLING)

You really suck!

Your Evilness!

Your Evilness!

Cassius and Adrian
have escaped from Hell.

They went out
through the fire,
and they froze it.

I tried to stop them, sir,

but they overpowered me.
(SOBBING)

Calm down.
Get off your knees.

Thank you for being
so understanding,
Your Wickedness.

You're the man.
You've always been the man.

I've always said that.

Oh. Oh.

Are there boobs
on my head?

Yeah, big ones.

What's going on, Dad?

I'm going to die, Nicky.

The gates are broken.
No new souls can get in,

which means I'll start
to deteriorate into nothing.

No. No.

What's with all those
"hoo hoo" noises?

Everything's fine, Pop.

Everything's fine?
Who are you bullshitting?

The last time you said
everything was fine,

the Renaissance happened.

Please, Pop,
go back to your room.

Hey, can I take him with me?

Sure, Pop.
Whatever you want.

Tit-head,
go with my father.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(JIMMY KNOCKS ON ICE)

Not a damn soul is going
to get through that.

This fire is solid as rock.

We got to get this
bad boy burning again.

To do that,
Cassius and Adrian

have to come back
through the other way.

So go get 'em, Dad.

I'm too weak.

The process
has already begun.

(WHIMPERS)
So go get 'em, Jimmy.

I'm just a demon.

I don't have
Devil blood in me.

I... I wouldn't last
two minutes with
your brothers up there.

Are you saying
it's up to me?
Huh?

You said no souls
could get through that.

Nicky, are you a soul,

or are you
the spawn of Satan?

I never been to Earth, Dad.

I never even slept over
some other dude's house.

Nicky, the worst thing
that could happen on Earth
is you get killed,

in which case, boom.

You end up back here.

So you're saying
I need to go to Earth
and kill my brothers?

No go.

They left together
at the exact same time.

They got
to come back together

at the exact same time.

Here.

Get them
to drink from this.

One sip, and they'll be
trapped inside.

Once you've got
both of them,

you bring the flask
back through the gate.

Let me, sir.

Gross!

(SNIFFS) Ugh.

He's got
less than a week.

(PANTS)

Dad, I don't know
if I can do this.

Son, you...

Try your best.

(ROARS)
(SCREAMS)

(ROARING)

(DEEP RUMBLING)

Earth.

It doesn't look too bad.

(TRAIN APPROACHES)

(HONKS HORN)

You were gone 10 seconds.
What happened?

I got hit
by this big light

that was attached
to a lot of metal.

That's a train, son.

Don't stand
in front of them.

Well, I'll have to take
a mulligan on this one.

Please, Nicky,
get back up there.

All right. Whoa!

I'll get that
for you, sir.

(GROANING)

I'm Nicky.

That's terrific.

Now get off the track
and come with me, handsome.

Okay.

BEEFY: Welcome to
Grand Central Station
in New York City.

My name is Beefy.

I'm an old friend
of your father's.

He asked me
to help you out.

I just want to find
my brothers

and be on my way.

It's not going to be easy.

Your brothers
can possess people,

so they probably
won't look like themselves.

You have to be
suspicious of everyone.

All right, bro.

Well, the jig is up, then.

Get in the flask.
Come on.
Slide right on in.

It ain't me, moron.

Sorry. I...

BEEFY: Now, there's
this blind guy outside

you might think
is possessed,

but he's just crazy.

NICKY: Okay.

♪ Hey, yo, uptown
♪ What? ♪

DEACON: Though I cannot
see with these blind eyes,

I know the good Lord
still loves me.

He loves
all of his children.

Why, he loves you...

BEEFY: That's him.

And he loves you.

(SNIFFING)

BEEFY: Here he goes.

You make the Lord
very nervous.

All right.
You've been...

I'm burnin' now.
Take it easy.

Hellfire is
burnin' me alive!

BEEFY: He's burning.

Burnin' me!
Ah!

The beast is alive!
He's among us!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Clear the streets!
The Devil is here!

(THUDS)
(DEACON GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES)
Making friends already.

I don't know what
that guy's problem was.

It's freezing up here.

You're in
the human world now, kid.

You're going to feel
a lot of new things
you never felt before.

Let's get you
some warm clothes

and some hot food.

Yeah.

Put it in your mouth.

Now move your teeth
up and down.

Up and down.

Good, numb nuts.

Now you got
to swallow it.

Tilt your head back

and let the meat slide
down your throat hole.
(GAGS)

Easy. Don't choke.

(SWALLOWS)

Popeyes Chicken
is fucking awesome.

Uh-huh.

Now eat up. You're going
to need your energy.

I got energy
up the ying-yang.

Let's go save Dad.

Adrian! Cassius!

(WOMAN SQUEALS)

Oh, boy.

So nice.
(SCREAMS)

Hey.

Hey... Hey.

I like your brassiere.

Oh. Thank you.

Could you guys maybe not
tell anyone about this?

Yeah. You got it.
(GRUNTS IN AGREEMENT)

Do you mind maybe not
telling anybody about this?

You got it.

(GROWLS)

Look, sidewalk
equals safety.

Middle of the road
equals death.

From now on, I'm just
going to try to avoid

all moving
metal objects.

Great. Now, your father
gave me some deposit money

for a nice pad
on the Upper East Side,

but I misplaced it.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm wasted! (GURGLING)

So I found this
other joint for you,

but you're going
to have a roommate.

There's only
one thing better

than drinking
an ice-cold whiskey sour
on a hot Alabama night,

and that's
telling the truth.

I know what you think
about me, Grandma.

You think I'm worthless.

You think
I'm a stumblebum

who ain't never going
to amount to anything.

Well, old woman,
you are wrong.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(WHISPERING)
You are wrong.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

Hello, friend.

My name is Nicky.

I understand you are
seeking a roommate,

as per your ad in
the Village Voice.

Would it be possible
for me to fill the slot?

Don't you want to know
what rent is?

Yes.

What is rent?

It's 1,200,
split down the middle.

Tuesdays and Thursdays,

I rehearse with
my scene partner,

so the living room's
going to be off-limits.

Off-limits.

Aren't you boiling hot
in that outfit?
No.

It's like 80 degrees
in this hallway.

Where are you from,
the South?

Yes.

The Deep South.

(WHEEZING LAUGH)

Why is that funny?

I don't know.

Okay. And sorry, guy,
but no doggies allowed.

BEEFY: Go on.
Big day tomorrow.

And don't forget
to do that sleep thing
I told you about.

Gotcha.

You're not my brother,
are you?

I'm an only child.
Oh.

You love acting.

I love pissing.

(SNORING)

(GROWLING)

(SNORES)

(DEMONIC GROWLING)

(SNORES)

(DEMONIC GROWLING)

(SNORES)

(ROARING)

Oh, my God!

(BELL TOLLING)
(CHOIR SINGING)

CHOIR:
♪ Amen ♪

In today's gospel,
the Lord tells us
how we should live

if we wish to attain
the splendor of Heaven.

Or something like that.

Jesus this, Moses that.

Abraham hit me
with a wiffle ball bat.

(HUMMING)

(SIZZLING)

Yep. The Lord sure did say

a lot of hibbity jibbity
bibbity swibbity.

But...

Has he ever
really done anything
for any of us?

(CROWD MURMURING)

Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR
in my driveway?

(CROWD EXCLAIM)
No.

I love that car.

Has the Lord given
any of my enemies the herpes?

The herpes? (CHUCKLES)

No.

The Lord gave my son
the strength to get off drugs.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Ma'am, I know your son,

and, believe me, he was
better off on the drugs.

(CROWD EXCLAIM)
At least when
he was smoking hashish,

he used to make me
laugh occasionally.

(LAUGHTER)

After we tried
for many years,

the Lord finally
helped my wife
conceive a baby.

(CHEERING)
No, no, no.

Your best friend Fitzy
helped your wife
conceive a baby.

(CROWD EXCLAIM)
He helped her conceive it

all night long.

Hey, hey, hey.

(CROWD BOOING)

How about you, Mayor?

Has the Lord
ever done anything for you?

Well, you know, I...

I wished I could
think of something,

but, to be honest
with you, I can't.

I can't think of a damn thing
he's ever done for me!

Kind of makes you wonder
if there even is a Lord,

if there even is
an ultimate punishment

for our so-called sins.

Why don't we all
just have fun

and do whatever
the hell we want?

Hey, hey!

Let the sin begin.

(CHEERING)

CASSIUS:
"Let the sin begin."

That was a good one.

ADRIAN:
This is so much fun!

I never want it to end.

CASSIUS: Why should it end?

Who's going to stop us?

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Come on.
There's, like, 10 million
people in this city,

and the clock is ticking.

Well, let's
rock and roll, then.

(GRUNTS)

Get in the flask.
I'm not thirsty!

Ah!

Cassius,
I'll show you.

Ow! Ow!

Cassius,
get in the flask.

(YELLS UNINTELLIGIBLY)

Get in the flask.

Get in the flask.
(SCREAMS)

May I help you?
Get in the flask.

What are you
talking about, man?

I'm talking about
an eight-piece. Let's go.

Look, it's okay for me
to shit in the street,

but you got to use
a toilet.

Okay.

Nicky, where are you?

Oh, come on.

What's he doing now?

Just get in the flask.
I gotta get Adrian.

(ROARS)

(GRUNTING)

(GARY MOANING)

Gary's so hairy.
(LAUGHS)

Tickle, tickle,
tickle. Ooh!
(LAUGHS)

All that chasing
and running around

is making me want to do
the sleep thing again.

Kid, I like
your enthusiasm,

but I think
we have to work on

narrowing down
our list of suspects.

Now I'm going
to go check in

with some of
my contacts uptown.

Yeah.

(SNORES)

(ROARS)

Kid's got
a lot of evil in him

just begging
to come out.

(GROWLING)

(SNORES)

(ROARING)

(SCREECHING)

(BARKING AND HOWLING)

(SNORES)

(GROWLING)

(SNORES)

(IN FEMALE VOICE)
I will eat your heart.

(SCREAMING)

There's our man.

Well, Mr. Sleepyhead
must have some major ties
to the dark side.

What's with that guy?

PETE:
It's got to be one of his
disciples or something.

(GROWLS)

My man's into
deep nocturnal shit.

Whoo! Mmm-hmm. yeah.

JOHN: Yo, man,
I think that devil guy

just got ripped off.

Should we wake him up?

Yeah. You do it.

(GROWLS)

Rise and shine, devil guy.

Some dude
just stole your shit.

What? Where?

Ah!

Which way did he go?

Uh, that way.
Thanks.

Give me back
my flask!

Did you check out
the dragon mouth?

The Dark Prince is here.

(BOTH GRUNT)

♪ Runnin', runnin', runnin'

♪ Through my head

♪ They tell you
it was good forever

♪ But I know it's now or never

♪ Runnin', runnin', runnin'

♪ Through my head ♪

MAN: Check out my stuff.
I got a low price.

I got a pepper shaker.

I got a silver doodad
from Africa.

Hey.

See something
you like, my man?

Yes. I would like
my flask back.

You calling me
a thief, my man?

I'm calling you the guy
who has my flask.

How would I have it unless
I was, in fact, a thief?

I don't know.

Now you've gone
and done it.

You done messed
with my business, bitch.

I would appreciate it
if you kept your voice down.

Oh...

You going all
crazy-eyed on me.

I'll show you
some crazy eye.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Look at this. Come on,
let's get busy.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Excuse me, sir.

Who?

Does, um, that flask
belong to this man?

Now you going to call me
a thief, too? Damn.

Okay, look, today,
the guy you ripped off

just happened to walk by
and bust you,

so why don't you just
give him his flask back?

What are you going
to do if I don't?

Bite me with
your snaggletooth?
VALERIE: No...

But maybe that policeman
over there might have
something to say.

Hmm.

Aw, take your dumb-ass
canteen, goofy.

And you, get your
raggedy-ass clothes

and find yourself
another corner

before I show you
what crazy really is.

Fine. I will.

I'm a businessman.
(SPLUTTERING)

(CLICKING TONGUE)

I'll be seeing you
in a few years.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

NICKY: Excuse me.

That was amazing.

I, uh, just wanted
to thank you.

Oh, that's okay.

I get messed with
all the time.

When I saw him
do that to you,

I just lost it.

I hate when people
take advantage of tourists.

What makes you think
I'm a tourist?

Oh.

Your accent, maybe.

Well, where are you from?

The South.
Really?

The Deep South.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Why are we laughing?

I don't know,
but I was enjoying it.

Your glasses are pretty.

They make your eyes
look big and sparkly.

It's fun looking at them.

Oh. My dad's an optometrist.

My dad's in Hell,
and he's falling apart.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's really tough
when your folks get older.

I don't know what I would do
if I couldn't save him.

Well, I'm sure a nice
southern boy like you
will figure something out.

You want some Popeyes?

(CHUCKLES) No.

I... I had my lunch already.

Okay.

But I wouldn't mind
getting a gelati.

Could I come with you
to getting a gelati?

If you want to.

(LAUGHS)

MAN: Here you go, pal.
Enjoy.

Mmm. Thank you.

It's freezing my hands.

Even with
those gloves on?

Yeah, it's cold.

Here, let me wrap it.

Please. Thank you.

Gelati.

That's better. Yeah.
Better?

Ooh!

Why are you taunting me
with your darkness?

Your evil,
it's stinking up
our streets!

The end is near!

We are all gonna die!

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

This town is really
going to Hell lately.
Yeah.

DEACON: We will
meet again, Lucifer.

So, what part of town
do you live in?

I have an apartment.
I'm not sure where.

My dog knows, though.

You have a dog?
What kind?

I don't know.
I'd ask him,

but he's uptown
meeting his contacts.

Say "Mr. Beefy."
Say it. Say it.

Mr. Beefy.

And... I love you!

You go to school?
What's that like?

Oh, I go to
Parsons School of Design.

I knew growing up
I wasn't much to look at,

so I concentrated on
making things that are pretty.

You have a nice smell
coming off you.

(SNIFFS)
Oh, that's my perfume.

It's called
comme de sud pacific.

I think that's French
for "coconuts."

(SNIFFING)

(GIGGLES)

That's better
than the gelati.

Valerie, it feels like

there's a bunch
of butterflies

flapping around
in my stomach right now.

Is that normal?

Sometimes, sure.

Good, 'cause
I was concerned.

Why did they do this to me?
I was good to them.

I can hardly notice.
Honest.

(THUDDING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

I sure hope Nicky's
kickin' some ass on Earth,

or we are doomed.

You know,
I was the one who
created Hell.

I know that,
Your Hatefulness.

But, actually,
the credit for
starting Hell

belongs to my first wife,
you know.

She was the inspiration.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Chewbacca,
take it easy, will you?

In fact, you look
like my first wife.

Only she had more hair.

(ALL LAUGHING)

In another startling
announcement from City Hall,

Mayor Randolph has,
effective immediately,

lowered the legal
drinking age
from 21 to 10.

♪ So you want to be
a rock superstar

♪ And live large... ♪

When an adult goes to Hell,
that's terrific.

(RETCHING)

But when a child goes...
(LAUGHS)

That's why
I'm in this business.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

ADRIAN: Little Nicky.

VALERIE: Know what's
nice about you?
NICKY: What?

I like the way you're happy
just being yourself.

You don't try to act cool.

Thanks much, Valerie.

You know what's
nice about you?

(SCREECHING)

(STRUGGLING) Your juicy
heart-shaped heinie.

What was that?

I don't know
why I said that.

I... I meant
to say that...

I've always dreamt
about having sex
with a gross pig.

(GASPS)
Can I wash my winky
in your kitchen sinky?

You're a real jerk!

I didn't mean to be.

NICKY: What the... Adrian!

(ADRIAN LAUGHING)

Dad needs you
to come back to Hell.

ADRIAN: So he sent
old shovel face to fetch me.

I'm not kidding.
He's in trouble.

So are you.

Hey, Valerie!

(SHOUTS)
What is your problem?

I'm sorry!

(WHIMPERS)

Adrian, you guys
froze the fire gate

and now Dad is dying,

so get your booty
back home or else!

You can't talk tough, Nicky.

Even the voice
inside your head has
a speech impediment.

Adrian,
you're gonna go back

because I'm gonna
make you go back.

How about this?
I'll stay here,

enjoying my pizza
and my peppermint schnapps,

and you go back.

Adrian, don't!

Cut the crap!
This is serious!

Oh, come on.

(BOTH LAUGH)

So I was driving
to work today,

some bozo in a Cadillac
cuts me off.

So I followed him.
When he got out of his car,

I run up behind this guy,

and I start bashing
his brains in with this bat.
(AUDIENCE GASP)

Did you ever see
The Untouchables?

I was De Niro!

What's happened
to you, Regis?

Mmm-hmm.

The Mayor's office
today, in conjunction

with the New York
Board of Tourism,

unveiled its new motto

to replace the long-standing
"I love New York" slogan.

"I love hookers" will now be
the city's catch phrase.

(SWITCHES TV OFF)
Your brothers are
upsetting the balance

between good and evil.

Oh, what can I do about it?

You can't do jack shit

unless you learn
your evil powers.

Go get a soda
out of the fridge.

But those are
my roommate's sodas.

(IN MOCKING TONE)
"But those are my
roommate's sodas."

Does that sound
like a statement

the son of the Devil
would make?

All right.
Take it easy.

Nicky, you have
the power to change

the cola in that can
into any other liquid.

Engine oil, bat's blood,
moose piss.

You just have to release
the evil within.

Release the evil?

I'm just saying
there's wickedness in you.

I can tell from your snores.

Really?

Release your evil.

Release the evil.

Come on, you can do it.

There it is.

You got it in you.

(BUBBLING)

What are you doing?
Hey!

Oh! I... I...

All right.

I'm going to pretend
I didn't see a dog
on the couch,

because my brain just can't
process that right now.

But were you about
to drink one of my Cokes?

No. I was
just looking at it.

It's beautiful.

(OPENS CAN)

(SLURPS)

(GULPS)

This Coke
tastes like Pepsi.

You changed a Coke
into a Pepsi?

That was your
big transformation?

Come on, man,
give it up a little.

I mean, it was pretty good
for my first try.

Do you even care
that your brothers

are killing your father?

Yes, I care!

And he is not
going to die!

(GLASS EXPLODES)

Atta boy.

I'm freaked out.

My television just blew up.

You're damn right it did!

I mean, really?

I know this is
your living room time,

but could I maybe finish
watching the Globetrotters
out here?

It's the craziest game
I've ever seen.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
He's walking! Get him a bus!

This is the part
I don't get.

Another terrible call.

There's no way
that was traveling.

What's up
with all the calls?

We haven't lost
a game in 53 years!

Guess what, cornrows?

Technical foul!
You're outta here!

(LAUGHING)

(BOOING)

Why's the referee
being so mean to
the Globetrotters, Daddy?

I've been watching
these guys play
since I was your age.

It's all part
of the show, baby.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

That guy in
the striped shirt

snapped his fingers
like somebody I know!

(CACKLING)

(PLAYERS GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

Normally
the Globetrotters represent
family entertainment.

Who gives a shit?

(KIDS SOBBING)

These kids came here to see
the Globetrotters win!

Ten points off on
the Globetrotters
on account of the bigmouth!

(CACKLES)

(CROWD BOOING)

It's all part of
the show, baby!
(LAUGHS)

Hit the half-time buzzer.
I'm tired.

COMMENTATOR:
If the second half doesn't
get any better than this,

you can expect
a full-scale riot.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is now time
for the Globetrotters'

half-time half-court
heave-ho throw!

And if the contestant
makes it,

everyone here
will get a free pizza pie!

I ain't takin' the shot.
These people are crazy.

Excuse me.
I'll take that shot.

Okay.

What made you
want to come and see the
Globetrotters today, son?

I came for the beer
and the bitches.

Oh.

Looks who's back
from the dead.

666! Pickup sticks!

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

MAN: (OVER P.A.)
Please welcome Miguel Sanchez

from the Bronx,
New York!

What's Nicky doing there?

Trying to capture
his brother in a flask

and preserve the balance
of good and evil on Earth.

Did you just talk?

No.

Are you Miguel
from the Bronx?

No. I'm Nicky
from the South.

Hey, gimme that!

(YELLING)

You better win these people
some free pizza

'cause it looks like
they're about to start
killing each other.

All right.

Who's that man, Mommy?

I don't know,
but he sure is
butt-ugly.

Release the evil.

(CROWD GASP)

Too much evil.

I think
that ball just blew up,

and, yes,
my hair is aflame.

I don't know what
the hell that was.

Don't do it again, huh?

All right.

I command you
not to blow up

and go into
that metal circle.

(GRUNTS)

Nyah!

Hey.

Get that crap outta here!

(SHOUTING)

NICKY: I know you're
having fun, Cassius,

but you really gotta
come back to Hell.

CASSIUS:
Look around you, Nicky.
We're in Hell.

The new Hell.
(LAUGHING)

Do it! Do it! Do it!
Whee!

(LAUGHING)

I was sent here
to take you back

and that's what
I'm gonna do.

Don't make me take out
the shovel again, trick.

I think we're about to see
a Devil showdown.

Yeah!
(LAUGHS)

You know, Dad got sick
when you guys left.

I'm glad he's dying

'cause it's my turn now.

You're gonna wish
you never said that.

Take him to the hole, Nicky.

I mean, woof-woof.

Come on, brother,
come on! Ha-ha!

Oh, come on!

(LAUGHING)

Daddy can't help you!
Daddy can't help you!

(SCREAMING)

Enough!
(ALL CHEERING)

This show gets
better every year!

(LAUGHING)

That was sick.
Who taught you that shit?

Sorry, Cassius.

It must be the Super
Devil juice Dad gave me.

Super Devil juice?
Gimme that, little girl.

Don't drink
out of it, please!
(SLURPS)

(SCREAMING)

Now that was some straight-up
David Copperfield shit!

CASSIUS: Damn you, Nicky!

There ain't no Super
Devil juice in here!

JOHN: Hail, Nicky!

We are forever
your slaves!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

So your father's
the Devil...

Si, senor.

You're a talking dog
from Hell.
Yep.

And you guys are who?
Just a couple of
big fans of Nicky

and the work
his dad does.

Hey, by the way, Nicky,
check this out.

(PLAYING RECORD BACKWARDS)

What's Ozzy trying
to say there?

John, absolutely nothing.

The blizzard always came
straight with his messages.

But wrap your minds
around this, gentlemen.

BEEFY: Oh, no.

(LAUGHING)

Chicago.

(DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS PLAYING)

I love this song.

(PLAYS RECORD BACKWARDS)

DEMONIC MALE VOICE:
I command you
in the name of Lucifer

to spread the blood
of the innocent.

Oh, my God,
Chicago kicks ass!

(LAUGHING)

That was awesome.

You know, guys,
this cake tastes
a little funny.

Oh, I dumped a fat sack
of reefer in the mix.

Thought I'd spice up the bash.

Really?
What's reefer?

About 500 bucks an ounce.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, Nicky,
one more time.

I can't.
It's starting to hurt.

Come on,
you totally got to!

All right, all right.
Last time.

TODD: Oh, here he goes!
Here he goes!

(SNARLING)

(BONES CRACK)

That's insane!

How do you do that?
How do you do that?

(LAUGHING)

I used to get
messed up like this

with my first
girlfriend Heather.

We'd get so loopy,

she would forget
I was a dog.

She was a human?

No. She was a sewer rat.

(LAUGHING)

Man, that pissed
my parents off.

You know,
I was in love once,

but she said I wasn't
financially reliable

and she needed that.

Now, by "she,"
do you mean "he"?

No.
Busted!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Please.

Hey, how you feelin'
over there,
Satan Abdul-Jabbar?

A little strange.

I can't stop thinking
about this girl Valerie.

Why? Did she hurt you?

Do you need to cry
on my shoulder?

Easy, Liberace.

Oh, would you grow up?

(LAUGHS) Liberace.

I was having
the best day with her

until Adrian
made me tell her

she had
a heart-shaped heinie.

Maybe you love her.
But what do I know?

I can't even
see straight.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, me, too!
Hey, we got to get going.

Hey, you guys can
crash here if you want.

I have an extra futon
in the bedroom.

Uh, that's a big pass,
Elton John.

(LAUGHTER)

Ozzy starts in 30 minutes.

Maybe that'll
cheer you up, Nicky.

Yeah, let's roll.

Actually, I don't think
I can give the Ozz man

the full focus he deserves.

Sorry, fellas.

Oh. This chick must be
the real deal, then.

Later, bro.

Good-bye, John.
Okay, Pete.

You better snap out
of it soon, kid,

'cause we're going
after Adrian tomorrow

bright and early.
Night-night.

Yeah, I know.

Get some
sleep thing, Mr. Beefy.

(SNORES)

(IN CHILDREN'S VOICES)
♪ La la la la la la

(SNORES)

♪ La la la la la la ♪

That is the most horrifying
thing I have ever seen.

♪ Mama, I'm coming home

Go to her.

♪ I'm coming home ♪

All right.

(SNIFFS)

I smell coconuts.

♪ I've waited here for you

Coconuts.

♪ Everlong

(SNIFFS)

♪ Tonight

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I... I need... I need you ♪

Oh. Hello.

That dude
looks like a lady.

You want to come in?

Actually, I'm... I'm looking
for a girl named Valerie.

Valerie Veran?

Two floors up,
one window over.

Thanks much.

Good luck with
the nipple rubbing.

I don't need luck.

I'm good.

I can see that.
Ooh!

♪ Pardon me while I burst

♪ Pardon me while I burst ♪

Ah!
(GASPS)

Oh, my God!
Nicky, is that you?

Yes.
Stay right there.

I will.

Hi.

(SCREAMING)

What were you thinking
coming here?

I don't know,
but it didn't involve
going blind.

Ah!

Oh, my God! Nicky!

Please don't die!

Nicky?

Valerie?

What are you doing?

I... I think I'm floating.

Why would you
be floating?

Maybe it was because of
this cake I ate earlier.

Am I supposed to not be
freaked out right now?

Because I am.

I'm freaked out, too.

The butterflies
in my stomach
are flapping around

in a way
I've never felt before.

You got the wrong
window again, man.

Oh, sorry, Nipples.
Valerie!

(MOANING)
VALERIE:
Nicky, over here.

I'm coming.

Oh, my God,
you made it.

Valerie, I can see again,
and you look beautiful.

(SCREAMS)

Look, just because
you're floating

doesn't mean
I'm going to forget about
you giving me the finger.

That wasn't me.

I was being possessed
by my brother Adrian.

What do you mean,
possessed?

Remember when I told you
that my father was in Hell?

Yes.

Well, that's because
he's the Devil,

and he wants
to keep his throne

for another
10,000 years.

And that pissed off
my brothers,

so they broke
the gates of Hell,

which is
making my father--

The Devil?

Decompose.

And I love my father
very much,

so I came to Earth
to save him.

Now I get
that deep South joke.

Yes!

(WHEEZING LAUGH)

I don't know
if I should believe you.

You got to believe.

Believe in the butterflies.

Wait. Okay.
Okay, okay, I believe.

Come on. Come back up.

Take my hand, Valerie.

Fly with me.

I can give you the power.
(GASPING)

♪ You're the perfect one

♪ And I don't... ♪

That's the Empire
State Building.

There's Popeyes Chicken.
Right there.

(LAUGHS)

The Hell beast
is above us,

and I can smell
an evil slut.

Whoa, Devil!

Did you do that?

Nobody calls my girl
an evil slut.

(LAUGHS)

NEWSCASTER:
Good morning, New York.

This is an Action News
special report.

A shocking crime

results in a record
$50 million reward

for the capture
of this man.

His name is unknown,

but his actions
have earned him
the label "The Monster."

He should be
considered armed and
extremely dangerous.

...the man who caused
such a sensation

at the game yesterday
is no hero.

He is, in fact,
a mass murderer.

This is real bad.

BEEFY: Where
the heck is Nicky?

...I have
authorized a reward

to the person who
brings this man to me.

BEEFY: It's a setup.

Good morning,
young lady.

Ah, ho.

That looks like
it tastes great.

(LAUGHS)

Look at that.

Mr. Beefy would like you.

Oh, look.

♪ Well, I'm on my way

(SNIFFS)

♪ To the city lights ♪

(MAN SPEAKING KOREAN)

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

GIRL: There he is!

(YELLING)

♪ So when I realize
what it takes

♪ Can I relate with whatever

♪ But never will you
drive me to hate ♪

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

ALL: Whoa!

Wait. Wait.
What is happening?

(PANTING)

There he is!

(CROWD YELLING)

I'm not a monster.

I'm not a monster.

(YELLING STOPS)

Release the evil.

(YELLING)

Hey!
Hey!

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Oh.

Beefy, I think
I'm in trouble.

The shit has
hit the fan, kid.

Take a look.

This videotape
will show what he did
after he left the game.

Say hello
to my little friend.

(SCREAMING)

My name is Nicky,
and I'm going to kill all
you suckers for no reason.

That's not me.
That's that cockroach
Tony Montana.

It's difficult
to watch, I know.

This is Adrian's work.

He superimposed
your head onto Scarface.

Which is probably De Palma's
third best film.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey!

Oh.

I'm not Nicky.

PETE: Dude, it's us.
Let us in.

NICKY: John, Pete.

Nicky.

There's, like,
a total mob scene
coming this way.

It looks like
they're following a giant
trail of bug shit.

What do we do now, Beefy?

I don't know.

This is a little
out of my league.

What would
your dad do, Nicky?

That's a great idea.

I'll ask him. Kill me.

Are you serious?

Yes. We'll meet at
Grand Central Station, noon.

Now I command you.
Do me.

All right!

(SCREAMING)

Ow!

That just hurt a lot.

Still alive, though.

I've always wanted
to kill someone.

Can I give it a try?

(SOBBING)

Damn you, Kevin Spacey!

You take all my parts!

Hey, you lose.
Royal flush.

Off with the brassiere.

Whoo.

The last time I saw
a pair of jugs that big,

two hillbillies
were blowing on them.

(LAUGHING)

(SATAN GRUNTING)

Oh, my God, Dad.

Nicky...

I got no legs.

I got no hips.

I got one ear.

I got no ears.

Now he has no ears.
Are you happy, Nicky?

Adrian's got
the whole city
following me.

I can't hear you, Nicky!

Check one, two.
Check one, two.

Put it back on my head!

Hey, you got
until midnight tonight.

Now you get your ass
back up there,

and you save
your father. Go!

I'm going
to save you, Dad.

Go, go, go, go, go!

I'm going to save you!

Go, then! Move it!
Oh!

Go, Nicky, go!

Sure you're
down with this?

A little nervous.
Want to puke.

Hey, hey, fuzz.

We know where
to find Nicky.

Hey!

Hey, hey!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

OFFICER: Let's go.

Hey.

What's up, Police Chief?

You have what I want?
You got what we want?

PETE:
Fifty million bones, bro.

Here's the money.

Oh, my God!
CHIEF: That's half of it.

You get the rest
when I get Nicky.
JOHN: Thanks much.

But I gotta
warn you, man.

He's kinda not human.

Really?

He might be
the son of Satan.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey!

Well, I guess I'm gonna
have to be extra careful,
then, aren't I?

(BOTH CHOKING AND GROANING)

Now, where is he?

Hey, come on,
that was cool!

Do it again!
Do it again!

Out of the way!

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

TODD: Where is he?

He's late.
He'll be here.
Just keep your skirt on.

PETE: That's where
he comes out of.

OFFICER: Over there!
Hey!

We've been ratted out.

We thought
the son of Satan

would understand
a move like this.

CHIEF: Get these two
out of here.

All right, this way.

Okay, okay!

What is this?
A bulldog and
his gay lover?

Oh, shut up.

(JOHN LAUGHS)

It's true.

Judas.

Judas Priest, maybe.
(LAUGHING)

Okay, look.
I'm only an actor.

I don't know
what's happening here.

Take him
to the holding area.

Seal off all the exits.

TODD: I'm only an actor!

Whoa. (LAUGHS)

You want to see
something cool?

Definitely.
Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(GROANS)

(BOTH GROAN)

(JOHN LAUGHING)

Pick me a winner.
(LAUGHING)

Oh, sick!

Oh, my God,
that was awesome!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, what time's
my brother expected back?

Noon.

Ish.

Hey, even though
you're not really the Chief,

we still get the rest
of the cash, right, bro?

You know what
you'll get, boys?

An indescribably
horrific torture

administered by demons
for the rest of eternity.

And we get to keep
the cash, too, right?

Sure.

Why not.

You're hurting me.
You're hurting me.

Shut up.

MAN: Applesauce every time.

Hey, boys!

You want a blizzard
with my flip-flop?

No thanks,

but we'll take that
bottle of booze.

(SCREAMS)

Beat it, you freak.
Get outta here.

I'll be back
with my flip-flop!

Mmm. Schnapps.

Yeah.

Peppermint?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

PETE: All right!

JOHN: Want a hit?

Drink up, here's to
50 million clams.

To the defilement of Earth

and the corruption
of its people.

Okay, whatever.
Just drink it.

Cheers.

(GULPS)

ADRIAN: It's awfully hot
down here.

How do you manage
to stay so cool?

Oh, uh...

Beer lowers
the body temperature.

I read that in a...

A beer magazine.
(CHUCKLES)

This liquid will
probably quench my thirst.

Cool me off.

Definitely.

JOHN: It give you
a pretty good buzz.

Or maybe it will
trap me inside
for all of eternity.

Um... No, it won't?

Oh, Nicky.

I've missed you.

Come out
and say hello!

I'm not Nicky.

I'm calling you out,
brother!

(GROANING)

(DEEP VOICE) Adrian,
this is very painful.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

Ah!
There you are.

I told you he was sick.

Oh, hello, Cassius.

CASSIUS: All right, Adrian!
Let me out!

You know, new Hell
really only needs
one new Satan.

You mother...

But Cassius could
use some company
for the rest of eternity.

So get in the flask.

Kick his ass, Nicky.

Sleep.
You got it.

(SNORING)

(WHIMPERING)
OFFICER: Hey, hold up.

Someone's gotta
take a pee.
(GRUNTING)

OFFICER: That dog's
got smoke balls!

Run, Beefy!

Run!

You can't make me drink,
Adrian.

Of course I can.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, it's Nicky's
little ragamuffin.
(VALERIE WHIMPERING)

Drink or she dies.

Unlike you,
she won't come back
from where she's going.

(PANTING)

Let go of her!

This is between you and me!

(TRAIN APPROACHES)

I hear a train a-comin'.

Adrian, stop!

Drink!
All right, I'll drink.
Don't hurt her.

Don't do it, Nicky!

I have to, Valerie.

(STRUGGLING)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

Ah!

Now, that hurt
the both of us.

(GROWLS)
Ah! No!

Oh!
(SCREAMS)

Valerie!
(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

See you in Hell!

(SCREAMS)
(YELLS)

Hey, look at the bright side.

You can go for a swim.

Hey.
You can play
the harmonica,

and you can
choke someone.

Take me to my room.
I want to be alone!

In your weakened condition,
if you vacate the throne,

any of your sons can
claim the seat of power
for their own.

(GROANS) Horseshit.

Hey, good news.
Adrian's back.

So I'm gonna be all right?

Hello.

Where's Nicky?

He came with you
and Cassius, right?

I came through
that gate alone.

Sorry, sir.
False alarm.

Boo.

Would everyone stop
playing with me

and tell me what
my brother's up to?

Hey.

Hey.

What is this?

♪ I feel like a newborn

♪ And I feel like a newborn

Is it Dad's birthday?

♪ So real ♪

(ALL GASP)
There he is.

Hi! Oh, I can't
believe you're here!

HOLLY: (GASPS) Welcome.

Up with the sign.

Okay.

Can I just tell you
I am so excited right now.

So excited.
She really is.

If you could point me
to the Black Palace now,

I really gotta
check in with my dad.

Aw.

(ALL GIGGLE)

Okay. Can I ask you something?

What do you know
about your mom?

My mom.

My brothers tell me that
she was a mountain goat,

which would explain
my chronic halitosis.

A mountain goat?
That's really sweet.

Jenna, chair.

Thanks.

My mother wasn't a goat?

Try an angel.

An angel?

I'm your mom.

If you're my mom,

then how come
you're not older?

Angels don't get
any older, son.

I can't believe
you just called him "son."

(GASPS) This is so wild!

(GIGGLING AND SCREAMING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Jenna, Christa.

Time for
your mambo lesson.

Chubbs, I'm so sorry.
I totally spaced.

I have company.
This is my son Nicky.

Hi.

Hi.

Chubbs used to be
a golf pro,

but up here
he's just the dopest
dance instructor.

Ah, that's nice.

You mambo?

I don't think so.

It's all in the hips.

It's all in the hips.

Bye, Chubbs.
Bye.

All in the hips, yeah!

Nobody in this room will
tell you a thing, Adrian.

Right!

Oh, oh!

Hey, let him go!

Perhaps a titty-twister
will loosen your lips.

No, no. Ah!

Ooh, hey,
I'm gettin' turned on.

Okay, okay!
All I know...
Yes?

...is that if you
sit on that throne

in your father's
weakened condition...

Tit-head, no!

You can claim
the seat of power

for your own.
Whoa! Ah!

Really?

As the founder of Hell,

I command you
to stay off that throne!

Hey!

Even in Hell
I get no respect.

Put me down.
Put me down!

No!

Oh!

♪ Knows what it's like

♪ Now who's the light
and who is the devil

♪ You can't decide,
so I'll be your guide

♪ I'm gonna be the one
that's takin' over

♪ Now this is what it's like
when worlds collide ♪

♪ Until you're
back here, baby ♪

(GIGGLING)

So where did
you meet Dad?

Oh, it was a long time ago
at this Heaven-Hell mixer.

I remember that night.

You had, like,
four daiquiris.

At first I didn't
really like him.

He was really conceited.

HOLLY: Yeah, but he was funny.

And I hate to admit it,
but he had a really hot body.

(GIGGLING)

(DOG BARKING)

Oh, puppy phone.

It's so cute.

Hello?

Hi, Michelle.

Yeah, he's here right now.

I don't know if he's hot.
He's my son, you perv.

Can I call you back?

(BARK)

That was my friend Michelle.

She says hi.
Say hi back.

(BARK)

I'll just call her later.

You know, Nicky,
we totally saw you save
your girlfriend's life.

That was so cool.

Yeah, that's why you came
to Heaven instead of Hell.

Self-sacrifice
automatically gets you here.

How did you see me?

We can see anything that's
going on on Earth. Look.

Someone else is taking
the internship.

HOLLY: Oh, that's
Felicity.
I love that show.

Do you watch?
I haven't seen it,
but I hear good things.

I don't want to go
to Colorado.

This is an Action News
special report.

Moments ago, a large chunk
of what appears to be Hell

began to rise
from beneath Central Park.

Far from being terrified,

many New Yorkers have begun
flocking to the site,

turning it into
an unofficial party central.

And this just in...

I'm cheating on my husband
with the weatherman.

Show him Central Park.

I love your legs.

(CHEERING AND YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

(RUMBLING)

ADRIAN: Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

NICKY: That's
my father's throne!

Is Dad okay?

Let's see.

I was a good Devil,
wasn't I?

You were
the best devil, sir!
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

The best Devil!

If we fall in there,
we will die. Period.

My underwear is so far
up my ass I could taste it.

I hear that.

(MOANING)

ADRIAN: Welcome to the party!

(CHEERING)

It's so nice
to see you all here.

(GROANS)

I'm so proud of you.

You've taken to sin
with such minimal prompting.

(CHEERING)

You're acting as if there
is no Heaven or Hell.

(CHEERING)

Well, I've got news for you.

There is most definitely
a Hell.

ALL: What?

And you're all going
to go there when you die.

Which is in about
15 minutes.

Holy shit,
we really are gonna die!

(SCREAMING AND YELLING)

Ah!

I'm really burning now!

What are we gonna do?

I gotta help her.

I gotta help Dad.

I gotta help everybody.

At the stroke of midnight,

my father will be
completely deteriorated,

and all your souls
will be mine.

Soon you will see things

more horrible
than you can even imagine.

(MOANING)

Well, maybe not
that horrible,
but still pretty bad.

(MOANING)

So, while we wait,

for your enjoyment,

I bring you
a dear, sweet man,

Mr. Henry Winkler.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Good evening.

Covered in bees!

(BUZZING)
Ah!

Ew!

How can I win?

Adrian is stronger
and smarter than me.

Stronger, yes.

Smarter, definitely.

But you have something
that he doesn't have.

A speech impediment?

No!

The inner light, honey.

And you can totally use it.

It's the best power of all.

I do?

And God told me
if you get in really
bad trouble,

you can use this.

What is it?

Okay, I'm not totally
100 percent on that,

but God said
when the time came,

you'd know
what to do with it.

God's so smart.

Like Jeopardy
smart.

(SIGHS) Mmm.

My little boy.
Mommy...

Get me
to the Big Apple,

'cause I'm gonna
rock that town
like a hurricane.

You're already there.

Bye, Nicky.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Bye, guys.
Bye.

DEMONS: Nicky!

(YELLING)

(YELLS ORDERS)

Release the good.

Ah...

(DEMONS YELLING)

Release the good.

Yes, they're furry.

DEMONS: Bunny, bunny,
bunny, bunny.

Release the awesome.

What you do is
put it in your mouth

and let the meat slide
down your throat hole.

Not you, not you!

Popeyes chicken
is the shizzney!

(LAUGHING)

♪ Here I am

♪ Rock you like a hurricane

♪ Here I am ♪

(ADRIAN LAUGHING)

You know,

from this angle,
you're kind of cute.
You think so?

(GULPS)

Oh, my God.

He just opened his mouth
and swallowed that spit.

Oh, that turn you on
there, RuPaul? (LAUGHS)

(JOHN AND PETE LAUGHING)

(SNIFFING)

(FLAPPING)

(BLOWS)

NICKY: Excuse me. Pardon me.

Little Nicky.

ALL: Yeah, Nicky!
Nicky!

I knew you would make it!

NICKY: Adrian...

I'm asking you nicely.

Let my friends alone,

and get in the flask.

Is this a joke?

No, it's the inner light,

and with it,
we can defeat
whatever you got.

It's true!

Ah!

It's not true!

(CLUCKING)

ADRIAN: Run, traitors, run!

Okay, Adrian.

You've left me
no choice.

Whoa!

(CHEERING)

ADRIAN: Ah, th-th-th-th.

Leave this to me.

Let's see
what you've got.

Okay.

CROWD: Whoa.

(HISS)
(CROWD GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

CROWD: Ooh.

(MOWER BUZZES)

(LAUGHING)

(COOS)

Aw.

(LAUGHS)
(SHRIEKS)

(LAUGHS)
(GROANING)

(CRUNCH)
(SCREAMS)

Hey.

CROWD: Ah.

Enough!

(GRUNTS)

I'm going to kill you
with my bare hands.

I'm ready for you.

I guess I wasn't ready.

(VIBRATED YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS)

I totally
had to do that.

Yes!
Hell, yeah, you did.

Great job!
That's great!

Thanks, Mom!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Now, I'm gonna
ask you nicely.

Get in the fla...

Oh! Oh, you want
a pillow fight, do you?

Well, let's let
the feathers fly.

Come on, now.

Come on.

I'm right here.

Where am I going
with it, baby?

Here I am.

(MUTTERING)

(GRUNTS)

I'm sleeping.
(SNORING)

Or am I?

(CHEERING)

Thanks, Mr. Winkler.

Now, I'm asking you
one last time.

Get in the flask.

A little help here, please.

(PANTING) Please!

Don't do this! No!

(WHINING)

Good-bye, Nicky. Ah.

Ah!

No! Whoa!

Ow!

CASSIUS:
Nice to see you, brothers.

Now I'm gonna bust both
of your heads wide open!

ADRIAN: No, no!

(GRUNTING AND THUDDING)

(ADRIAN GROANING)

(SMACKING AND GRUNTING)

Come on!
Get 'em, Nicky!

Fight 'em, Nick!

You can do it, Nicky!

(GROANING)
Kick him
in his hairy balls!

NICKY: Good idea.
(GROANING)

(CHEERING)

NICKY: One down,
one to go, Adrian.

ADRIAN:
You've asked for this.
Time for the shovel!

NICKY: Bring it on!

(GRUNTING)

Kill him, Adrian!

Shut up!
Get him, Nicky!

ADRIAN: Let go of me!

(PRAYING)

NICKY: Ah.

(GRUNTING)

VALERIE: Nicky!

Yay!

(CHEERING)

Oh, yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Nicky!

How did a nice
Southern boy like you

learn to fight
like that?

I guess from my father's
side of the family.

(GIGGLING)

CROWD: Aw.

(RESISTING) Mmm!

Uh-oh.

(ADRIAN'S VOICE)
What? No tongue?

(VALERIE SCREAMS)

(SQUEAKING)

Catch me if you can!

PETE: That is wicked!

(LAUGHING)

Whoo!

(LAUGHS) Not long now!

(CROWD GROANS)

(GASPS) Whoo.
You gotta fly out.

Soon it will all be mine!

Nicky! I know
you can do it.

Run, run!

Do it for the butterflies.

NICKY: Butterflies?

(GASPS)

Oh, the power of good
lets you fly out.

Well, you're
too late, Nicky!

Behold your new Satan!

What... What's that?
What's with the ball?

(ADRIAN GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

Ozzy?

Holy shit.

Not... No, no, no, no!

You can do it, Ozzy!

Bite his frickin' head off!

(SCREAMING) No!

(CRUNCH)

Spit him in the flask!

VALERIE:
Here you go, Ozzy.

(ADRIAN SCREAMING)

(CHEERING)

Grand Central, Nicky!
TODD: Start running.

You'll never make it.
You've gotta die.

I'll just go to Heaven.

Not if you do something bad
right before you die.

You're right.

Hey, Nicky!
Cover Winkler in bees!

You can do it!

Sorry, Henry.

(SCREAMING)
(BUZZING)

Okay, do me!
With what?

I don't know.
I don't know!

Here.
Kill him with this.

(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTS)

I'll never
forget you, guys.

And we will never
forget you, my friend.

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING)

Valerie?

(GRUNTS)

(WHISPERING)
I love you.

And I love you, Nicky.

I got them, Dad!
I did it!

I did it, Daddy!

(MOANING)

Unholiness, you're back!

Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS)

You look great!

♪ It's all
in the hips, hey

♪ It's all in the hips ♪

(LAUGHS)

NICKY: Dad! Dad!

You're all right!

You came through, Nicky.

I came through
for you, Dad,

and I came
through for Mom

and the butterflies.

You're back
in Hell now, kid.

There are
no butterflies here.

If you want butterflies,
you need to be on Earth.

What about
you and Grandpa

and everybody
in Hell?
Nicky...

I let my butterflies die
once upon a time,

and it's never
stopped hurting.

That's right!

You heard me, Holly.

What?

I'm still in love
with you!

Oh, my God,
he's talking about me.

And don't think I forgot
about how crazy you get
after a few daiquiris.

(SIGHS)

That guy is still
the biggest horndog.

Yeah, he is.

Listen, I got down low.

Your mom's got up high.

You take care
of the middle.

Okay, Dad.

But...

In the words
of Motley Crue,

this will always be
my home sweet home.

Don't be afraid
to show your face.

You're such
a handsome boy.

(LAUGHING)

I hate to interrupt,
but, uh... (LAUGHS)

It's time for
Hitler's punishment.

LUCIFER: I'll take that.

ADRIAN: Maybe they're
gonna let us out.

Grandpa!

Okay, kids.
Enjoy your new home!

CASSIUS AND ADRIAN:
No, no, no, no!

(FARTS AND SCREAMS)

Holy shnit! Oh!

(GIGGLING)

♪ Livin' easy...

Such a little angel.

Only a quarter, ma'am.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

(GASPS AND SCREAMS)

Sorry!

♪ Takin' everything
in my stride

♪ Don't need reason

♪ Don't need rhyme

♪ Ain't nothin'
I'd rather do

♪ Goin' down

♪ Party time

♪ My friends
are gonna be there, too

♪ I'm on the highway
to Hell

♪ On the highway
to Hell

♪ Highway to Hell

♪ I'm on the highway to Hell

♪ No stop signs

♪ Speed limit

♪ Nobody's gonna
slow me down

♪ Like a wheel

♪ Gonna spin it

♪ Nobody's gonna
mess me 'round

♪ Hey, Satan

♪ Paid my dues

♪ Playin' in a rockin' band

♪ Hey, Mama

♪ Look at me

♪ I'm on my way
to the promised land

♪ Whoa

♪ I'm on the highway to Hell

♪ Highway to Hell

♪ I'm on the highway to Hell

♪ Highway to Hell

♪ Mmm

♪ Hey, hey ♪

(LAUGHING)

♪ We from the school

♪ The school
of hard knocks

♪ Who's ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Are you ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Roundin' those suckers
knock 'em, knock 'em
out the box

♪ We from the school

♪ The school of hard knocks

♪ Who's ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Are you ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Roundin' those suckers
knock 'em, knock 'em
out the box

♪ Since back in the days

♪ All up in this

♪ The year 2 G's
Come again

♪ Graduated 13, the streets
made me a scholar

♪ Flood the microphone,
one by one, hear 'em holler

♪ The sure shoots, rock box,
rhym'n on blasted beats

♪ Mics on my side,
they call me
Hip-Hopalong Cassidy

♪ Rap'n catasrophe,
but only time will tell

♪ Could we excel
and rock bells like LL

♪ Made me feel I was ill,
music euphoria

♪ Went to the doctor,
the D.O.C gave me the formula

♪ Hey, young world,
the world is yours

♪ Turned my whole wide world
into metaphors

♪ You kept me straight,
when times got hard

♪ So let me reminisce
over you, my God

♪ Old school

♪ Bring it back

♪ We from the school

♪ The school of hard knocks

♪ Who's ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Are you ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Roundin' those suckers
knock 'em, knock 'em
out the box

♪ We from the school

♪ The school of hard knocks

♪ Who's ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Are you ready to rock?

♪ Ready to rock

♪ Roundin' those suckers
knock 'em, knock 'em
out the box ♪

♪ Shh ♪

♪ Yeah, bringing you another
disturbing creation

♪ From the mind
of one sick animal

♪ Who can't tell
the difference

♪ And gets stupefied

♪ I've been waiting
my whole life

♪ For just one fuck

♪ And all I needed
was just one fuck

♪ How can you say that
you don't give a fuck

♪ I find myself stupefied,
coming back again

♪ All I wanted
was just one fuck

♪ One tiny, little,
innocent fuck

♪ And when I feel like
I'm shit out of luck

♪ I find myself stupefied,
coming back again

♪ Why do you like
playing around with

♪ My narrow scope
of reality

♪ I can feel it
all start slipping

♪ I think I'm breaking down

♪ Why do you like
playing around with

♪ My narrow scope
of reality

♪ I can feel it
all start slipping away

♪ See, but I don't get it

♪ Don't you think maybe
we could put it on credit

♪ Don't you think
it can take control

♪ When I don't let it

♪ I get stupefied

♪ It's all the same
you say live with it

♪ But I don't get it

♪ Don't you think maybe
we could put it on credit

♪ Don't you think
it can take control

♪ When I don't let it

♪ I get stupefied

♪ I get stupefied

♪ And don't deny me

♪ No, baby, now

♪ Don't deny me

♪ And, darlin',
don't be afraid

♪ But I don't get it

♪ Don't you think maybe
we could put it on credit

♪ Don't you think
it can take control

♪ When I don't let it

♪ I get stupefied

♪ Look in my face,
stare in my soul

♪ I begin to stupefy

♪ Look in my face,
stare in my soul

♪ I begin to stupefy

♪ Look in my face,
step in my soul

♪ Look in my face,
step in my soul

♪ Look in my face,
step in my soul

♪ Look in my face,
step in my soul

♪ Look in my face

♪ Look in my face

♪ Look in my face

♪ I begin to stupefy ♪

♪ I've watched you change

♪ Into a fly

♪ I looked away

♪ You were on fire

♪ I watched a change

♪ In you

♪ It's like
you never had wings

♪ Now you feel

♪ So alive

♪ I've watched you change

♪ It's like
you never had wings

♪ Aah, aah, aah, aah

♪ Aah, aah, aah

♪ Aah, aah, aah

♪ Aah, aah, aah

♪ Aah, aah ♪

♪ I taught you
how to stand

♪ When the worms
are talking loud

♪ Sobbing bulls
lay down and scream

♪ Doesn't mean
I'm breaking my vows

♪ Oh, no

♪ Always ignored

♪ Thought after all
that I'd be rich

♪ I must say I've never
been to meditate

♪ That is something
that I won't need

♪ You're telling me
that I hesitate

♪ What for?

♪ Being bored

♪ Oh, no

♪ Always ignored ♪