Listen, Judge (1952) - full transcript
The stooges are fix-it men who are brought before a judge on a charge of chicken stealing. They escape from the courtroom and wind up getting hired in the judges' house after their antics attempting to fix the doorbell cause the servants to quit. The boys are discovered when the cake they bakes explodes all over a political supporter of the judge and he loses his chance for re-election.
Officer Ryan,
you deserve a sharp reprimand
for taking up the valuable
time of this court
with these flimsy cases.
And so does officer Casey.
These men cannot
be held for vagrancy.
They have visible
means of support.
Does he mean our suspenders?
Ohh.
Ow.
Quiet.
Ow.
I'm sorry, officer.
This other charge:
Chicken-stealing.
I'm not going to make
these poor unfortunates
the victims
of your prejudice and guesswork.
Case dismissed
for lack of evidence.
You're free, boys.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you, your honor.
What's the matter with him?
Oh, he thinks he's a chicken.
Why don't you put him
in an institution?
We can't.
We need the eggs.
Quiet.
Oh.
Every man for himself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Moe, you're wastin' your time.
"Doorbell
out of order."
If the doorbell is out of order,
how are they gonna
know we're out here?
Why don't you use your head?
Yeah.
Come in.
Ain't no answer.
There ain't, eh?
Well, get one.
Stop it. Stop it before you
knock the door down.
That's what your company will do
if you don't have
the doorbell fixed.
Oh. Can you fix it?
Can we fix it.
Can we fix it.
Can we?
Why, you...
What is the meaning of this?
Well, lady...
Oh. Oh, dear me.
- This vase is worth $3000.
- Vase.
Say, what, Harry, old boy?
Do you have a "bloater"?
No, but I have a "saw-dine".
You'll have to beat it, lady.
We gotta lot of work to do.
Oh.
Thank you.
Now, this looks like a simple
job for simple people.
Right.
Okay, boys.
Call them right, eh?
Right. There it is.
Chisel.
Chisel.
Screwdriver.
Screwdriver.
Pliers.
Pliers.
Pli...
Brace and bit.
Brace and bit.
Hold still.
Cut it out, fellas.
I'm gettin' dizzy.
Ah, you were born dizzy.
Give me that hammer.
Here, let me.
Why, let you...
Oh. Oh.
Shut up now.
There's something wrong
with the wiring.
We gotta find the wire.
Hey, fellas.
I found a wire.
Good work, Larry.
You keep it up,
and I'm gonna give you
some c-a-n-d-y.
Aw, I don't smoke.
Put that away.
Oh, no, you don't.
Come on.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, Moe, there's the wire.
Nice work, old man.
Trace it.
Right.
Oh.
Oh, Moe.
Sorry, Moe. You told me
to trace the wire.
That's all right, son.
I've been framed.
Get it?
He's been framed.
You got a sense of humor.
But you guys
are gonna take the rap.
Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Check those wires for a short.
Check those wires for a short.
There's nothing
short about this.
Go on.
Hi. Came to fix the doorbell.
Where is it, buddy?
Monsieur Buddy, to you.
The bell, she is on the wall.
Oh, she is on the wall.
You idiot, you.
You... You...
Imbecile?
Oui, oui, oui.
You imbecile, you.
This kitchen is not
big enough for us both.
Either you stay or I go.
That lets you out.
So long.
Oui. We will see
about that, buddy.
Go on, you French poodle.
Your father's got fleas.
Huh.
"She is on the wall."
Oh, yeah?
Oh, opposition, eh?
Oh, you.
That settles it.
I quit.
Hmm, tough, eh?
Mutiny, eh?
I'll show you.
Oh. Oh, Larry.
Give me a hand, will you?
All right.
Give me a hand. Get around me.
Let's go.
One, two and, ah, three.
I'll murder somebody.
One, two, three.
Look what came through the wall.
A gopher.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, that gopher
sounds like Moe.
It is Moe.
Get me out of here.
What happened?
Where were you?
I'll gopher both of you!
Wait, wait. Give me...
Come back out of here.
Wait a minute, Shemp.
Come here, you.
Ow. Wait a minute.
I'm a victim of circumstances.
Quiet.
There you are, just like
an inferior decorator.
Right.
She's calling the cops.
Let's get out of here.
Hello? Superior
Employment Agency?
This is Mrs. Henderson
on Emerald Drive.
My chef quit quite unexpectedly.
I'm planning a big dinner
party tonight,
and I'll need help at once.
What? You've no one?
Oh, but you must have.
Oh, dear. My last hope.
Oh, it can't be that bad, lady.
You can always
open a can of beans.
Oh, not for this dinner.
I've been planning it for weeks.
I-I'll need a butler,
a cook and a waiter.
Oh, I'll pay anything,
anything at all.
We'll do it as a special
accommodation.
You mean, you three...
Sure, you know our motto:
"We fix anything."
It also means we fix dinners.
Yeah, just like we fixed
the doorbell.
Oh, and did you fix it?
Did we fix it.
Did we fix it.
Yes.
Show the lady, Shemp.
Okay, just tell me when.
You know, he's known
as Lightning.
Ready for testing.
Ready for testing.
Here she blows.
- Oh. Oh-whoa-whoa.
- Oh-whoa-whoa. Oh.
Just a minute.
Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa. Oh.
I'm full of high voltage.
Get me loose.
Wait a minute. We'll rent him
out to a light company.
Testing.
Contact.
We'd better short him.
Right.
Ow.
Ooh.
Ready for testing.
Separate two eggs.
I guess that's far enough.
Put them in the turkey.
Any dumbbell would know that.
Certainly put them
in the turkey.
Let's see what's next.
Half a dozen oysters.
One.
Hmm. Here's one
we didn't clean.
Well, we'll fix that up.
Get out. Look at that stuff.
Wouldn't clean 'em, eh?
Pinch of salt.
How do you like that?
Get in there.
Almost got it myself.
Well, tomatoes, certainly.
Red, ripe, puree tomato.
Right inside.
Ripe tomatoes.
You idiot.
You imbecile.
What'd you put in that turkey?
Like the book says.
This can of tomatoes.
Paper in stuffing. Aye.
A loaf of bread, well-soaked.
Sorry, I have to do it.
How do you like that?
An upper shoot, a down shoot.
You got enough?
You throw in the towel?
Well, okay.
Get in there. That's it.
The next thing.
Yes, a few of these grapes
will go in there. That's right.
Yes, one of these.
A little of this.
Yes, sir, a little of that.
It'll take...
Yes, gotta take this.
And this... Gotta sift
that out a little bit. Gotta.
That's it.
Right on the top there.
Baste it a little bit.
This one's got pits.
How do you like that?
That's it.
Two cups of flour.
One-fourth pound of butter.
Two cups of milk.
One. Two.
Oh, baking powder.
Almost forgot.
That's important.
There it is, fine and dandy.
Okay, Moe, turkey ready
for worky.
I can't understand.
I can't understand what
happened to that turkey.
I only had the dial
set at 650 degrees.
Six hundred...
Listen, if the cake in that
oven turns out like this,
you're gonna be the next one
to broil in it.
And I'm gonna baste you
with nitric acid.
Go on, fix that punch,
and make it snappy.
But the lady said
she wanted it weak.
Go on. Go on.
I'm gone.
There you are.
I just got a flash
from the kitchen.
You'd better fill up on these.
Herbert, dear, these are
my good friends,
George and Lydia Morton.
My husband, Judge Henderson.
I'm honored, judge.
Glad to know the president
of the voters' league.
Uh, pardon me.
May I serve you?
Help yourself. I'm busy.
I'm so sorry.
Well. Really.
They're new here.
Odd. I think
I've met him before.
I just can't place him.
Well, so the evening
shouldn't be a total loss,
we'll serve them punch,
cake and coffee.
All right, but don't mix me up,
will you?
Ow, Moe.
Oh, oh. Ohh.
Wait a minute, Moe.
We're in trouble.
I'll say you're in trouble.
No, no, the judge is out there.
What judge?
The judge that wants
to send us up for life.
Don't worry. Where there's life,
there's hope.
Oh.
Quiet.
He'll never recognize
us in these outfits.
Oh, yeah.
Now, go on.
You take care of the cake.
You, possum puss,
get that punch out there,
or you'll get one from me.
Go on.
Shake a leg.
Don't stand around
like a bunch of buzzards.
There's enough here
for everybody.
Oh, a "mazarino" cherry.
Ah.
Not bad.
Now, get back in the kitchen
and help Larry
with that cake. Go on.
Judge, what do you think
of your chances
for re-election?
Mr. Morton, I'd say
it all depends
on what you
recommend to the voters.
Well, you've made
a splendid record, judge,
and I think you can safely
count on another term.
Thank you.
Have a slug?
Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
Oh, no, your honor.
You're sure I never sent you up?
No, I've never been up.
Except in an elevator.
Ahem, pardon me.
There's something strange
going on around here.
A masterpiece.
How's it look?
It looks good,
but let's see if it's done.
Moe will kill us.
What'll we do now?
What can we do?
We'll fill her up... with gas.
Now, you're cooking.
High enough?
I'll check.
Thirty-eight pounds.
How many people out there?
Oh, about 20.
Oh, we better pump
in a couple of more slices.
Go ahead.
Ready?
Now, you see, if you'll...
Why do you stand over there...?
Go get it...
No, Moe said to make it light.
I don't care what he said.
What are you standing
up there, lettin' go?
Okay.
All right.
I'll hold it. Go ahead, you make
with the white stuff there.
Go ahead there.
Here, let me, will you...?
Hey. Hey.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, it's kind of stuffed up.
Ow.
I'm gonna put off murdering you
till you collect your paycheck.
How's that cake?
Wonderful.
If we didn't hold it down,
it would float away.
If I want a smart crack,
I'll make one myself.
Put the candles
in and get it out there.
Come on, get busy.
All right, all right.
Here.
The piece de resistance.
Listen, everybody.
It's George Morton's birthday.
Surprise. Surprise.
Thank you.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
Good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ That nobody can deny ♪
Happy birthday.
Mr. Morton,
it's all yours.
Make a wish
and blow out the candles.
Well, my fondest wish is
that my friend Judge Henderson
will blow this campaign
sky high.
Wait a minute.
Oh. Oh.
If this is supposed
to be a practical joke,
I've got one for you.
But, Mr. Morton...
I was only joking when
I spoke of supporting you.
Lydia.
Lydia, where are you?
We're getting out of here.
Oh, it's all a...
Lydia, are you all right?
Is the shooting over?
Now I know who you are.
Whoa.
you deserve a sharp reprimand
for taking up the valuable
time of this court
with these flimsy cases.
And so does officer Casey.
These men cannot
be held for vagrancy.
They have visible
means of support.
Does he mean our suspenders?
Ohh.
Ow.
Quiet.
Ow.
I'm sorry, officer.
This other charge:
Chicken-stealing.
I'm not going to make
these poor unfortunates
the victims
of your prejudice and guesswork.
Case dismissed
for lack of evidence.
You're free, boys.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you, your honor.
What's the matter with him?
Oh, he thinks he's a chicken.
Why don't you put him
in an institution?
We can't.
We need the eggs.
Quiet.
Oh.
Every man for himself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Moe, you're wastin' your time.
"Doorbell
out of order."
If the doorbell is out of order,
how are they gonna
know we're out here?
Why don't you use your head?
Yeah.
Come in.
Ain't no answer.
There ain't, eh?
Well, get one.
Stop it. Stop it before you
knock the door down.
That's what your company will do
if you don't have
the doorbell fixed.
Oh. Can you fix it?
Can we fix it.
Can we fix it.
Can we?
Why, you...
What is the meaning of this?
Well, lady...
Oh. Oh, dear me.
- This vase is worth $3000.
- Vase.
Say, what, Harry, old boy?
Do you have a "bloater"?
No, but I have a "saw-dine".
You'll have to beat it, lady.
We gotta lot of work to do.
Oh.
Thank you.
Now, this looks like a simple
job for simple people.
Right.
Okay, boys.
Call them right, eh?
Right. There it is.
Chisel.
Chisel.
Screwdriver.
Screwdriver.
Pliers.
Pliers.
Pli...
Brace and bit.
Brace and bit.
Hold still.
Cut it out, fellas.
I'm gettin' dizzy.
Ah, you were born dizzy.
Give me that hammer.
Here, let me.
Why, let you...
Oh. Oh.
Shut up now.
There's something wrong
with the wiring.
We gotta find the wire.
Hey, fellas.
I found a wire.
Good work, Larry.
You keep it up,
and I'm gonna give you
some c-a-n-d-y.
Aw, I don't smoke.
Put that away.
Oh, no, you don't.
Come on.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, Moe, there's the wire.
Nice work, old man.
Trace it.
Right.
Oh.
Oh, Moe.
Sorry, Moe. You told me
to trace the wire.
That's all right, son.
I've been framed.
Get it?
He's been framed.
You got a sense of humor.
But you guys
are gonna take the rap.
Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Check those wires for a short.
Check those wires for a short.
There's nothing
short about this.
Go on.
Hi. Came to fix the doorbell.
Where is it, buddy?
Monsieur Buddy, to you.
The bell, she is on the wall.
Oh, she is on the wall.
You idiot, you.
You... You...
Imbecile?
Oui, oui, oui.
You imbecile, you.
This kitchen is not
big enough for us both.
Either you stay or I go.
That lets you out.
So long.
Oui. We will see
about that, buddy.
Go on, you French poodle.
Your father's got fleas.
Huh.
"She is on the wall."
Oh, yeah?
Oh, opposition, eh?
Oh, you.
That settles it.
I quit.
Hmm, tough, eh?
Mutiny, eh?
I'll show you.
Oh. Oh, Larry.
Give me a hand, will you?
All right.
Give me a hand. Get around me.
Let's go.
One, two and, ah, three.
I'll murder somebody.
One, two, three.
Look what came through the wall.
A gopher.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, that gopher
sounds like Moe.
It is Moe.
Get me out of here.
What happened?
Where were you?
I'll gopher both of you!
Wait, wait. Give me...
Come back out of here.
Wait a minute, Shemp.
Come here, you.
Ow. Wait a minute.
I'm a victim of circumstances.
Quiet.
There you are, just like
an inferior decorator.
Right.
She's calling the cops.
Let's get out of here.
Hello? Superior
Employment Agency?
This is Mrs. Henderson
on Emerald Drive.
My chef quit quite unexpectedly.
I'm planning a big dinner
party tonight,
and I'll need help at once.
What? You've no one?
Oh, but you must have.
Oh, dear. My last hope.
Oh, it can't be that bad, lady.
You can always
open a can of beans.
Oh, not for this dinner.
I've been planning it for weeks.
I-I'll need a butler,
a cook and a waiter.
Oh, I'll pay anything,
anything at all.
We'll do it as a special
accommodation.
You mean, you three...
Sure, you know our motto:
"We fix anything."
It also means we fix dinners.
Yeah, just like we fixed
the doorbell.
Oh, and did you fix it?
Did we fix it.
Did we fix it.
Yes.
Show the lady, Shemp.
Okay, just tell me when.
You know, he's known
as Lightning.
Ready for testing.
Ready for testing.
Here she blows.
- Oh. Oh-whoa-whoa.
- Oh-whoa-whoa. Oh.
Just a minute.
Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa. Oh.
I'm full of high voltage.
Get me loose.
Wait a minute. We'll rent him
out to a light company.
Testing.
Contact.
We'd better short him.
Right.
Ow.
Ooh.
Ready for testing.
Separate two eggs.
I guess that's far enough.
Put them in the turkey.
Any dumbbell would know that.
Certainly put them
in the turkey.
Let's see what's next.
Half a dozen oysters.
One.
Hmm. Here's one
we didn't clean.
Well, we'll fix that up.
Get out. Look at that stuff.
Wouldn't clean 'em, eh?
Pinch of salt.
How do you like that?
Get in there.
Almost got it myself.
Well, tomatoes, certainly.
Red, ripe, puree tomato.
Right inside.
Ripe tomatoes.
You idiot.
You imbecile.
What'd you put in that turkey?
Like the book says.
This can of tomatoes.
Paper in stuffing. Aye.
A loaf of bread, well-soaked.
Sorry, I have to do it.
How do you like that?
An upper shoot, a down shoot.
You got enough?
You throw in the towel?
Well, okay.
Get in there. That's it.
The next thing.
Yes, a few of these grapes
will go in there. That's right.
Yes, one of these.
A little of this.
Yes, sir, a little of that.
It'll take...
Yes, gotta take this.
And this... Gotta sift
that out a little bit. Gotta.
That's it.
Right on the top there.
Baste it a little bit.
This one's got pits.
How do you like that?
That's it.
Two cups of flour.
One-fourth pound of butter.
Two cups of milk.
One. Two.
Oh, baking powder.
Almost forgot.
That's important.
There it is, fine and dandy.
Okay, Moe, turkey ready
for worky.
I can't understand.
I can't understand what
happened to that turkey.
I only had the dial
set at 650 degrees.
Six hundred...
Listen, if the cake in that
oven turns out like this,
you're gonna be the next one
to broil in it.
And I'm gonna baste you
with nitric acid.
Go on, fix that punch,
and make it snappy.
But the lady said
she wanted it weak.
Go on. Go on.
I'm gone.
There you are.
I just got a flash
from the kitchen.
You'd better fill up on these.
Herbert, dear, these are
my good friends,
George and Lydia Morton.
My husband, Judge Henderson.
I'm honored, judge.
Glad to know the president
of the voters' league.
Uh, pardon me.
May I serve you?
Help yourself. I'm busy.
I'm so sorry.
Well. Really.
They're new here.
Odd. I think
I've met him before.
I just can't place him.
Well, so the evening
shouldn't be a total loss,
we'll serve them punch,
cake and coffee.
All right, but don't mix me up,
will you?
Ow, Moe.
Oh, oh. Ohh.
Wait a minute, Moe.
We're in trouble.
I'll say you're in trouble.
No, no, the judge is out there.
What judge?
The judge that wants
to send us up for life.
Don't worry. Where there's life,
there's hope.
Oh.
Quiet.
He'll never recognize
us in these outfits.
Oh, yeah.
Now, go on.
You take care of the cake.
You, possum puss,
get that punch out there,
or you'll get one from me.
Go on.
Shake a leg.
Don't stand around
like a bunch of buzzards.
There's enough here
for everybody.
Oh, a "mazarino" cherry.
Ah.
Not bad.
Now, get back in the kitchen
and help Larry
with that cake. Go on.
Judge, what do you think
of your chances
for re-election?
Mr. Morton, I'd say
it all depends
on what you
recommend to the voters.
Well, you've made
a splendid record, judge,
and I think you can safely
count on another term.
Thank you.
Have a slug?
Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
Oh, no, your honor.
You're sure I never sent you up?
No, I've never been up.
Except in an elevator.
Ahem, pardon me.
There's something strange
going on around here.
A masterpiece.
How's it look?
It looks good,
but let's see if it's done.
Moe will kill us.
What'll we do now?
What can we do?
We'll fill her up... with gas.
Now, you're cooking.
High enough?
I'll check.
Thirty-eight pounds.
How many people out there?
Oh, about 20.
Oh, we better pump
in a couple of more slices.
Go ahead.
Ready?
Now, you see, if you'll...
Why do you stand over there...?
Go get it...
No, Moe said to make it light.
I don't care what he said.
What are you standing
up there, lettin' go?
Okay.
All right.
I'll hold it. Go ahead, you make
with the white stuff there.
Go ahead there.
Here, let me, will you...?
Hey. Hey.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, it's kind of stuffed up.
Ow.
I'm gonna put off murdering you
till you collect your paycheck.
How's that cake?
Wonderful.
If we didn't hold it down,
it would float away.
If I want a smart crack,
I'll make one myself.
Put the candles
in and get it out there.
Come on, get busy.
All right, all right.
Here.
The piece de resistance.
Listen, everybody.
It's George Morton's birthday.
Surprise. Surprise.
Thank you.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
Good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ That nobody can deny ♪
Happy birthday.
Mr. Morton,
it's all yours.
Make a wish
and blow out the candles.
Well, my fondest wish is
that my friend Judge Henderson
will blow this campaign
sky high.
Wait a minute.
Oh. Oh.
If this is supposed
to be a practical joke,
I've got one for you.
But, Mr. Morton...
I was only joking when
I spoke of supporting you.
Lydia.
Lydia, where are you?
We're getting out of here.
Oh, it's all a...
Lydia, are you all right?
Is the shooting over?
Now I know who you are.
Whoa.