Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout (1990) - full transcript
After a nice shower, Linnea does some warm-up stretches and then goes for a run. She encounters some flabby zombies who follow her back to the house, where she leads them in some poolside aerobic routines. Later she unwinds by inviting some girlfriends over for a slumber party and some exercise. When something goes bump in the house, her friends begin experiencing an attrition problem.
(horror film organ music) (thunder crashing)
- Warning, the activities depicted in this video
are strenuous and highly physical in nature.
They should not be attempted
without first consulting your doctor.
Since they can also become violent,
you might also seek advice from a psychiatrist,
clergyman, or criminal attorney.
In any case, we accept no responsibility
for any harm you do to yourself or to others
after viewing this tape.
Whatever happens, it's not our fault.
(tense electronic music)
(screaming)
(screaming)
(ominous electronic music)
(wind howling)
(crickets chirping)
- Hi there, I'm Linnea Quigley.
I'm the girl that's usually impaled on antlers,
or eaten by zombies in the movies.
Being the queen of scream isn't as easy as it looks.
(screaming)
After a day of being hacked and slashed,
I can't wait to get home and get out of my clothes.
If I'm not being killed in my films,
I usually have to fight some creepy thing or another,
like giant mutant rats.
(screaming)
(dramatic orchestral music)
Gross.
Or a bowling alley filled with demons.
- Who are you? (indistinct)
(screaming)
I've had enough of this ----
No fair.
Those guys are really hard to get rid of.
- It's getting in. - ----
(gun firing)
- Holy ----, just like John Wayne, pow!
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, that's beautiful, I never seen anything like it.
- Would you just look for more bullets?
---- it.
What does it take?
(gun firing)
They just keep coming back, like cockroaches.
(explosion)
Once in a while, I even have to fight my co-stars.
(rock music)
- Girls, break it up!
This is against academy rules.
- That can be tough on these pictures.
One minute, someone's your friend.
And then the next minute
they mutate into something horrible.
Peter, are you all right?
Wake up.
(growling)
(growling)
(crashing)
(coughing)
Even when I'm not fighting for my life,
I'll be asked to do something weird,
like the virgin dance of the double chainsaws.
I mean, Ginger Rogers had Fred Astaire.
I have Black and Decker?
Then, there are the times
when I don't survive to the final reel.
(screaming)
So you see, it's not all glamor.
I really have to stay in shape.
And there's no better way
than a long, hard workout.
But when I'm by myself, I have to do something different.
I've always enjoyed dancing, even when I was a kid.
I guess, if you do something long enough,
you're bound to be good at it.
(drumming)
(rock music)
- [Linnea Voiceover] First of all,
it's important to where comfortable clothes
when you exercise.
A metal-studded bra,
and fishnet stockings, may not be your first choice.
But face it,
would want to watch me work out in a baggy sweatsuit?
(rock music)
I start out by stretching.
It warms me up,
it starts a fire.
It makes you feel limber.
So I can get out of tight places,
or into them.
(rock music)
Gee, I'm getting exhausted.
This move I got from an old Bruce Lee movie.
(rock music)
I don't exactly know what this one does,
but it sure feels good.
(rock music)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Who is this?
What I-
You want me to do what?
Where?
I don't know.
Maybe.
I gotta go now.
Call back later.
Sorry, wrong number.
(rock music)
Deep breathing will increase the lung capacity.
As you can see, I'm a real deep breather.
(rock music)
These are hard.
A good rule of thumb,
just do as many as you can before you throw up.
(drumming)
(rock music)
This increases your ability with your legs in the air.
I can do this one for hours.
(rock music)
Now for the bicycle.
You might want to do this on a real bike,
so you don't have to explain
the rug burns on your shoulders.
(rock music)
This one's great for the guys.
I mean thighs.
That's right, push yourself.
Stretch those muscles.
That's right.
Stretch 'em.
Not that muscle.
(phone ringing)
Look I told you not to call back.
What?
Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Really?
A horror movie?
Starts filming tomorrow?
Hmm, two days?
Is that for my part?
Oh, that's the whole filming schedule.
Oh well, what's the role?
Dancing in a graveyard on a tombstone?
I already did that.
This time I wear a chicken suit?
No thanks, I think I'll pass.
I may be a little bit kinky,
but I have to draw the line somewhere.
(uptempo jazz music)
Jogging is good for you, too.
You get lots of fresh air and sunshine.
There's nothing I like better
than going for a run in the woods,
past an old cemetery, alone.
(rumbling)
(rumbling)
(growling)
(rumbling)
(drumming)
(growling)
(birds chirping)
(growling)
(tense electronic music)
Look at you.
You're a mess!
That's right, I'm talking to you.
You call yourselves zombies?
Well I've never seen such a sorry lot.
Straighten up, look at that flab.
You know, just because you're dead,
you think you can just let yourselves go?
You guys are falling apart.
See what I mean?
Do you all want this to happen?
Well, do you?
(moaning)
(dance workout music)
Swing your arms.
Get out.
Just, walk it out.
Heels.
Elbows out!
All right!
Do the Jerk!
(workout dance music)
Breath in.
Okay, everybody into the pool!
(hooting)
Suckers!
(crickets chirping)
All work and no play isn't any fun,
so I invited a few friends over for a slumber party.
(upbeat jazz music)
(giggling)
So, what do you want to watch?
- Gosh, there's so many, it's hard to choose.
- What about this one?
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama.
- We've already seen that one.
- Isn't that the one where you get
gang-raped in the bowling alley?
- By savage priests.
- It wasn't a bowling alley, it was a locker room.
- (indistinct) go to the Halloween party,
and that guys stabs you with the antlers in the shower.
- I'm scared, Dee Dee.
You're getting all these movies mixed up.
- That's okay, sometimes I can't keep 'em straight.
- What about Nightmare Sisters?
I never get tired of that.
- Didn't you get to sing and dance in that one?
- Yeah, I didn't have to go to carry a chainsaw.
(laughing)
Hit it!
♪ You left me for another guy
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out with the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
(lyrics muffled)
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out with the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
(lyrics muffled)
(rock music)
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out with the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
(lyrics muffled)
♪ The way your shorts are tight ♪
♪ The way you never (indistinct)
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
(lyrics muffled)
♪ You never know what you'll find ♪
♪ At the corner of (indistinct) and Vine ♪
♪ You never know what you'll do ♪
♪ When a guy likes boys instead of you ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out with the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ He's acting like (indistinct) ♪
♪ Santa Monica boy
♪ I want you
♪ Santa Monica boy please come back ♪
♪ Santa Monica boy come on
♪ Boulevard boy
(crickets chirping)
- Here comes my favorite part,
where you go down on the guy
and you bite him in the you-know-what.
- Yeah.
- You know what?
Really?
- Just watch.
(slow bluesy music)
- You're so big and strong.
Have you ever done any acting?
- Me.
I know what you need.
- Cause I wanna give you...
a big part.
-That sounds great.
Aah!
(growling)
- Holy ----, not that!
(laughing)
- You really know how to hurt a guy.
- That's more like the Linnea we all know.
- You really got to keep in great condition
to do all these things.
How do you stay in shape?
- Well, I eat right.
I get plenty of sleep, and most important, exercise.
(growling)
- [Woman] What a day!
- Be gone, hear me, demon.
I exorcise you!
Leave the bodies of these innocent girls.
- Blow it out your ---.
- I wonder if that guy comes over with cross
and does that every day?
- Not that kind of exercise, this kind!
(workout dance music)
- (gasping) What happened?
- The lights went out.
- No ----!
(muffled speaking)
- Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
I'll go check the fusebox.
- Wait, do you want us to come with you?
- No, thank you.
I'll be right back.
(sinister music)
(screaming)
- What was that?
- Maybe it was just the wind.
- What are we gonna do?
- Linnea told us to wait here.
But what if something happened to her?
- What if it did?
We're four half-naked unarmed girls,
what could we do to help?
- You're right.
I know, I'll go by myself.
- Good idea.
- Are you sure that's a good idea?
(crickets chirping)
- Linnea,
where are you?
Is that you? (screaming)
(high-tension orchestral music)
(crickets chirping)
(ominous orchestral music)
- Missy's been gone almost a minute,
I wonder if she's okay.
- Maybe they're just trying to frighten us.
- Well, they're doing a real good job.
- I will go look for them.
- By yourself?
- Don't worry.
What could happen in a dark house
with two of our friends already missing?
- Of course, you're right.
I guess I'm just being silly.
We'll wait here.
(sinister music)
- All right guys, where are you?
If this is a joke, it's not funny.
(creepy electronic music)
Geez, my hair's a mess.
I can never get this part straight.
- Now Bambi's missing, too.
- We have a choice,
we can wait for her together and in the heart of safety,
or one of us can go search the upstairs hall.
- Want me to go?
- No.
- Oh, okay.
(crickets chirping)
(ominous electronic music)
- Linnea, are you in there?
(squealing) (gasping)
God, what a cheap shot.
(dark electronic music)
- Bambi?
Missy? Ginger?
Linnea?
Missy?
Girls, where are you?
I'm over here.
Alone.
In the dark, denfenseless-
Hold on, which one are you?
Come on, take off the mask!
Oh real cute, you're gonna give me the drill, right?
(laughing)
Get it drill, drill?
I wonder where the others went.
(gasping)
(screaming)
(dark music)
- There, that's how I really stay in shape.
And you won't be coming over to my house anymore
and eating all my popcorn, now.
And you, you on the sofa,
I know what you're doing when you're watching my movies.
Just how many calories do you think that burns?
You can do better than that.
Now, you get on the ground and give me a dozen pushups.
One, two, three, four.
Okay, run in place.
One, two, three, four.
That's it.
Work those thighs or I'll cut 'em off.
You can do it.
That's great.
It won't kill you.
(dire horror movie music)
- [Announcer] Be sure to look
for our next instructional video,
Cooking With Linnea Quigley,
coming soon to a store near you.
(boiling)
- All work and no play, isn't any fun.
So I invited some-
All work and no fun, isn't any fun.
(laughing) God ---- it!
(uptempo music)
(screaming)
- I worked at a bowling alley.
What was that?
- Oh my God, who is it?
God, got 11 to go.
(laughing)
- Come on, which one of it is you?
Ah, sorry.
(screaming)
- That's Bone-R-Rama.
That's one of my favorites.
(laughing)
- Can't kill me.
(hooting)
(uptempo music)
- Warning, the activities depicted in this video
are strenuous and highly physical in nature.
They should not be attempted
without first consulting your doctor.
Since they can also become violent,
you might also seek advice from a psychiatrist,
clergyman, or criminal attorney.
In any case, we accept no responsibility
for any harm you do to yourself or to others
after viewing this tape.
Whatever happens, it's not our fault.
(tense electronic music)
(screaming)
(screaming)
(ominous electronic music)
(wind howling)
(crickets chirping)
- Hi there, I'm Linnea Quigley.
I'm the girl that's usually impaled on antlers,
or eaten by zombies in the movies.
Being the queen of scream isn't as easy as it looks.
(screaming)
After a day of being hacked and slashed,
I can't wait to get home and get out of my clothes.
If I'm not being killed in my films,
I usually have to fight some creepy thing or another,
like giant mutant rats.
(screaming)
(dramatic orchestral music)
Gross.
Or a bowling alley filled with demons.
- Who are you? (indistinct)
(screaming)
I've had enough of this ----
No fair.
Those guys are really hard to get rid of.
- It's getting in. - ----
(gun firing)
- Holy ----, just like John Wayne, pow!
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, that's beautiful, I never seen anything like it.
- Would you just look for more bullets?
---- it.
What does it take?
(gun firing)
They just keep coming back, like cockroaches.
(explosion)
Once in a while, I even have to fight my co-stars.
(rock music)
- Girls, break it up!
This is against academy rules.
- That can be tough on these pictures.
One minute, someone's your friend.
And then the next minute
they mutate into something horrible.
Peter, are you all right?
Wake up.
(growling)
(growling)
(crashing)
(coughing)
Even when I'm not fighting for my life,
I'll be asked to do something weird,
like the virgin dance of the double chainsaws.
I mean, Ginger Rogers had Fred Astaire.
I have Black and Decker?
Then, there are the times
when I don't survive to the final reel.
(screaming)
So you see, it's not all glamor.
I really have to stay in shape.
And there's no better way
than a long, hard workout.
But when I'm by myself, I have to do something different.
I've always enjoyed dancing, even when I was a kid.
I guess, if you do something long enough,
you're bound to be good at it.
(drumming)
(rock music)
- [Linnea Voiceover] First of all,
it's important to where comfortable clothes
when you exercise.
A metal-studded bra,
and fishnet stockings, may not be your first choice.
But face it,
would want to watch me work out in a baggy sweatsuit?
(rock music)
I start out by stretching.
It warms me up,
it starts a fire.
It makes you feel limber.
So I can get out of tight places,
or into them.
(rock music)
Gee, I'm getting exhausted.
This move I got from an old Bruce Lee movie.
(rock music)
I don't exactly know what this one does,
but it sure feels good.
(rock music)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Who is this?
What I-
You want me to do what?
Where?
I don't know.
Maybe.
I gotta go now.
Call back later.
Sorry, wrong number.
(rock music)
Deep breathing will increase the lung capacity.
As you can see, I'm a real deep breather.
(rock music)
These are hard.
A good rule of thumb,
just do as many as you can before you throw up.
(drumming)
(rock music)
This increases your ability with your legs in the air.
I can do this one for hours.
(rock music)
Now for the bicycle.
You might want to do this on a real bike,
so you don't have to explain
the rug burns on your shoulders.
(rock music)
This one's great for the guys.
I mean thighs.
That's right, push yourself.
Stretch those muscles.
That's right.
Stretch 'em.
Not that muscle.
(phone ringing)
Look I told you not to call back.
What?
Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Really?
A horror movie?
Starts filming tomorrow?
Hmm, two days?
Is that for my part?
Oh, that's the whole filming schedule.
Oh well, what's the role?
Dancing in a graveyard on a tombstone?
I already did that.
This time I wear a chicken suit?
No thanks, I think I'll pass.
I may be a little bit kinky,
but I have to draw the line somewhere.
(uptempo jazz music)
Jogging is good for you, too.
You get lots of fresh air and sunshine.
There's nothing I like better
than going for a run in the woods,
past an old cemetery, alone.
(rumbling)
(rumbling)
(growling)
(rumbling)
(drumming)
(growling)
(birds chirping)
(growling)
(tense electronic music)
Look at you.
You're a mess!
That's right, I'm talking to you.
You call yourselves zombies?
Well I've never seen such a sorry lot.
Straighten up, look at that flab.
You know, just because you're dead,
you think you can just let yourselves go?
You guys are falling apart.
See what I mean?
Do you all want this to happen?
Well, do you?
(moaning)
(dance workout music)
Swing your arms.
Get out.
Just, walk it out.
Heels.
Elbows out!
All right!
Do the Jerk!
(workout dance music)
Breath in.
Okay, everybody into the pool!
(hooting)
Suckers!
(crickets chirping)
All work and no play isn't any fun,
so I invited a few friends over for a slumber party.
(upbeat jazz music)
(giggling)
So, what do you want to watch?
- Gosh, there's so many, it's hard to choose.
- What about this one?
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama.
- We've already seen that one.
- Isn't that the one where you get
gang-raped in the bowling alley?
- By savage priests.
- It wasn't a bowling alley, it was a locker room.
- (indistinct) go to the Halloween party,
and that guys stabs you with the antlers in the shower.
- I'm scared, Dee Dee.
You're getting all these movies mixed up.
- That's okay, sometimes I can't keep 'em straight.
- What about Nightmare Sisters?
I never get tired of that.
- Didn't you get to sing and dance in that one?
- Yeah, I didn't have to go to carry a chainsaw.
(laughing)
Hit it!
♪ You left me for another guy
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out with the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
(lyrics muffled)
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out with the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
(lyrics muffled)
(rock music)
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out with the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
(lyrics muffled)
♪ The way your shorts are tight ♪
♪ The way you never (indistinct)
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
(lyrics muffled)
♪ You never know what you'll find ♪
♪ At the corner of (indistinct) and Vine ♪
♪ You never know what you'll do ♪
♪ When a guy likes boys instead of you ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ Hanging out with the boys you enjoy ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard boy
♪ He's acting like (indistinct) ♪
♪ Santa Monica boy
♪ I want you
♪ Santa Monica boy please come back ♪
♪ Santa Monica boy come on
♪ Boulevard boy
(crickets chirping)
- Here comes my favorite part,
where you go down on the guy
and you bite him in the you-know-what.
- Yeah.
- You know what?
Really?
- Just watch.
(slow bluesy music)
- You're so big and strong.
Have you ever done any acting?
- Me.
I know what you need.
- Cause I wanna give you...
a big part.
-That sounds great.
Aah!
(growling)
- Holy ----, not that!
(laughing)
- You really know how to hurt a guy.
- That's more like the Linnea we all know.
- You really got to keep in great condition
to do all these things.
How do you stay in shape?
- Well, I eat right.
I get plenty of sleep, and most important, exercise.
(growling)
- [Woman] What a day!
- Be gone, hear me, demon.
I exorcise you!
Leave the bodies of these innocent girls.
- Blow it out your ---.
- I wonder if that guy comes over with cross
and does that every day?
- Not that kind of exercise, this kind!
(workout dance music)
- (gasping) What happened?
- The lights went out.
- No ----!
(muffled speaking)
- Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
I'll go check the fusebox.
- Wait, do you want us to come with you?
- No, thank you.
I'll be right back.
(sinister music)
(screaming)
- What was that?
- Maybe it was just the wind.
- What are we gonna do?
- Linnea told us to wait here.
But what if something happened to her?
- What if it did?
We're four half-naked unarmed girls,
what could we do to help?
- You're right.
I know, I'll go by myself.
- Good idea.
- Are you sure that's a good idea?
(crickets chirping)
- Linnea,
where are you?
Is that you? (screaming)
(high-tension orchestral music)
(crickets chirping)
(ominous orchestral music)
- Missy's been gone almost a minute,
I wonder if she's okay.
- Maybe they're just trying to frighten us.
- Well, they're doing a real good job.
- I will go look for them.
- By yourself?
- Don't worry.
What could happen in a dark house
with two of our friends already missing?
- Of course, you're right.
I guess I'm just being silly.
We'll wait here.
(sinister music)
- All right guys, where are you?
If this is a joke, it's not funny.
(creepy electronic music)
Geez, my hair's a mess.
I can never get this part straight.
- Now Bambi's missing, too.
- We have a choice,
we can wait for her together and in the heart of safety,
or one of us can go search the upstairs hall.
- Want me to go?
- No.
- Oh, okay.
(crickets chirping)
(ominous electronic music)
- Linnea, are you in there?
(squealing) (gasping)
God, what a cheap shot.
(dark electronic music)
- Bambi?
Missy? Ginger?
Linnea?
Missy?
Girls, where are you?
I'm over here.
Alone.
In the dark, denfenseless-
Hold on, which one are you?
Come on, take off the mask!
Oh real cute, you're gonna give me the drill, right?
(laughing)
Get it drill, drill?
I wonder where the others went.
(gasping)
(screaming)
(dark music)
- There, that's how I really stay in shape.
And you won't be coming over to my house anymore
and eating all my popcorn, now.
And you, you on the sofa,
I know what you're doing when you're watching my movies.
Just how many calories do you think that burns?
You can do better than that.
Now, you get on the ground and give me a dozen pushups.
One, two, three, four.
Okay, run in place.
One, two, three, four.
That's it.
Work those thighs or I'll cut 'em off.
You can do it.
That's great.
It won't kill you.
(dire horror movie music)
- [Announcer] Be sure to look
for our next instructional video,
Cooking With Linnea Quigley,
coming soon to a store near you.
(boiling)
- All work and no play, isn't any fun.
So I invited some-
All work and no fun, isn't any fun.
(laughing) God ---- it!
(uptempo music)
(screaming)
- I worked at a bowling alley.
What was that?
- Oh my God, who is it?
God, got 11 to go.
(laughing)
- Come on, which one of it is you?
Ah, sorry.
(screaming)
- That's Bone-R-Rama.
That's one of my favorites.
(laughing)
- Can't kill me.
(hooting)
(uptempo music)