L'infermiera di notte (1979) - full transcript

The Night Nurse

- Relax! Relax!
- Ahh!

It's nothing, I just
put a hole in your jacket.

Rest, I'm going
to greet a new customer.

That's my niece! She arrived
yesterday from Rome.

You should have said something sooner!
I would have brought her in.

Relax!

Good morning Miss.
Please come in.

- Hello.
- I'm Angela.

- You're the niece? - Yes.
- Your aunt is like a child!

- She whines constantly!
- She's afraid.



Excuse me, miss.

- Here is your niece!
- Thank you. - So calm down.

- We try again. Do you have
dental problems? - Fortunately no.

- A cavity in your canine?
- No.

- Let me tell you
something funny.

Every five canines you get a free bulldog!

Peppino, Get the dentures!

- It must be these.
- Is it all here? - Yup.

One moment. Here, madam.

Open your mouth... There!

It looks like Dracula!

It's rubbish, there
must be a mistake.

Come closer.

- Goodbye. Come back any time.
- See you soon, Doctor.



- Bring your beautiful niece!
- See you later.

Santa Imelda of the Dolomites, give
her gingivitis! I can heal her!

My love!

Asshole! You're flirting
with young girls now!?

She's a tasteless girl, I was
just having a little conversation.

- I'm sick of making love here!
- This is the only place we can be alone.

My wife never comes
here, this is my kingdom.

You'll see!
We will make love eight times like bunnies!

I will be an organ that vibrates
for you and for me!

I found the right dentures.

However you got the wrong moment!

- Really?
- Can not you see I'm... working?

- I'm doing a filling.
- What about me?

As a child she had a...

None of your business!
Go away!

It's none of my business.

Where did that frog come from?

Peppino is a little prick, it does
not matter. We think about us!

Sit down!

St. Sabino Di Canosa,
you are meaty!

I show you a new position
of the Kamasutra... aaahhh!

Are you getting turned on?

It's a new armchair, I do
not know how it works yet.

Why are you leaning me back?

-Look at the lamp.
-Why?

To make it like an operating room.
Let's try.

Hurry up!

- Do you know what I have prepared?
- Pasta and broccoli.

- How did you get it?
- The aroma.

The neighbour below asked
"Have you repaired the sewer?"

Sewer! She is a sewer!

- Do you like it?
- Yes, everyone likes it, even to Carlino!

- Screw her if she didn't like it!
- Regina calm down!

Is she an expert in culinary art!?

She does not understand shit!

Hurry up, it's half past
eight and I have to go out.

- Go dancing? - No, Wednesday
I have the Pharmacology exam.

- I can not waste time with dancing.
- Love, I would like cheese.

- We have to fire Regina!
- Yes. Yes.

Forget about Pharmacology, you
have to study "feminology"!

Bring a woman, we make
a duet father and son.

We put her in the
bathtub with her tits...

The cheese.

Two teaspoons.

You need to have fun...

- So he becomes a womanizing toothpuller like you.
- Do not call me "toothpuller"

I am good and gentle,
but if I get angry...

- I'll be good.
- Always the same story!

- Later I will bring you a sandwich.

- Remember the garbage.
- Yes. Yes.

- Doctor, how lucky to meet you!
- Who me?

- Yes, I need advice. Come with me.

- But I...
- Just a moment.

Come sit. Excuse me if I take advantage,
but I have very strong pains.

I am a fourth year
student, I am not a doctor.

What does it matter?

I am a "Mrs." but my
husband is never around.

He is never here
and when he is, he sleeps.

You seem very intelligent and
maybe you can give me some advice.

I'm in pain from here...

all the way down to here.

- It takes my breath away.
- Me too.

Touch it. Feel that swelling.

I need a massage, but I can't
reach it myself.

And then I'd like to show it to you.

What?

The ointment. Wait, doctor.

- Who is this boxer?
- That's my husband.

The doctor prescribed this for me.
But...

Where did he go?

What a crazy thing!
He left the trash.

Hey! Hey!

- Why do you talk to me that way?
- Sorry.

- Is it a telegram?
- Yes, but there is nobody.

- I'll take it back.
- No, it might be urgent.

It's none of your business!

It's a dental office, it's closed.

- So I'm an asshole?
- Give me the telegram. - No!

Why are you shouting?
I'm Dr. Pischella.

You should have said it right away!

Excuse me... I want proof.

Let's look in the eyes...

Forget it. That's a studio
with an adjoining house...

...and this is a house with an
adjoining study clear? - No.

Excuse me for a moment.

This is all stupid!

I'll try again, maybe
he was in the bathroom.

- Here I am! I'm the dentist.
- Telegram, doctor.

Next door there is a
madman who looks a lot like you.

He's my twin brother,
but he's an asshole.

- He's a postman.
- Like me! - Exactly.

"Arrival tomorrow from Milan at 10 o'clock.
Uncle Saverio."

Ah! Uncle Saverio is Uncle...
of my aunt...

Who the fuck is he?

- He is daddy's brother!
- In short, he's your uncle.

Look.

He spent two years in
Africa in Dire Daua.

- He couldn't stay in Italy to say "Daua"?
- Stop!

- Here he is at Baptism.
- He was baptized late.

At my baptism! He's an
exceptional man, nice, sweet.

- He's a "pleasure-seeker".
- I had guessed.

He spent all his money and now comes to us.

No, he's a rich man.

A "ricchione"(fag)!
That's even worse.

- They have to pay to frolic.
- I tell you he's rich!

And I'm his only relative.

You are beautiful, sweet,
long as a highway...

...but you have a bird's brain,
believing everything that anyone tells you!

You eat everything up!

- Surely your uncle is not rich.
- He got rich in Dire Daua.

How much money do you get
each time you say "Daua"?

Stop that!

Fuck you and your uncle!

- Did I ever lie to you?
- No.

- In the end, I say that uncle
is a billionaire. - Really?

It's 12:12 pm and it still isn't here.

- Well?
- He wasn't there!

- Did you go to the airport?
- Of course.

- Did you page Saverio Baghetti?
- Yes, Baghetti.

Look me in the face when I speak to you!
You make me nervous.

- Something happened to him.
- Peppino is here.

The snob took a taxi!

- Please, doctor!
- Thank you.

He wasn't on the train from Milan.

- Why did you do that?
- You're an asshole!

- Why did you get a taxi?
- You told me to.

If uncle Saverio was there.
Was he there?

- No.
- Then you shouldn't have got a taxi.

- What's this?
- Did you call the ambulance for a slap?

- What happened?
- We're looking for Dr. Pischella.

- Right in front of you.
- It's him!

- No it's me.
- Giovanni, it's him!

- It's me.
- I told him that it is you.

- Come on, Giovanni!
- Let's see.

- Who is it?
- Mr. Saverio Baghetti.

Baghetti? Uncle Saverio!

- Uncle Saverio?
- What luck!

- He's alive?
- Of course, I'll show you.

- Let's do the mirror test.
- What do you mean?

Watch.

- The mirror is fogged up.
- So?

- What does that mean?
- You need a windshield wiper.

No, it means that he breathing!

- He's alive.
- Yippee! - Luckily!

- Where do we take him?
- To the second floor.

As soon as he arrives, he
already costs me 1,300,000 lire!

Don't be petty and do not
scream, you'll wake him...

...and if you have good intentions...
- What good intentions?

I understand everything,
he's here for a handout.

He has reached old age and since
he has spent everything...

... he decided to come
and die in my house!

- Aaahhh! - He's waking up.
- He's alive!

Uncle!

What a beautiful site!

- What?
- Oh, what a beautiful site!

- I'm in heaven?
- Almost.

- It should be any time now.
- Pietro!

- Pietro!
- Who is Pietro?

- Keys.
- Huh?

- The keys to paradise.
- I do not have it. Pietro has gone out.

Do not you remember
Lucia, your little niece?

Of course, I remember!
My little Lucia!

My baby... my you have grown up!

- And keeps growing!
- Come on, give me a kiss.

- Uncle!

- Enough, uncle! - Is that Pietro?
- No, he's my husband.

- I'm Nicola Pischella.
- Come!

- Give him a kiss too.
- No that's ok. - Give it to him!

Your microbes are nothing
compared to my germs!

GONAGOCCI, BIGOCCI, TRIGOCCI...

- Madonna, save me from this virus!
- I only have you in the world!

I have no more. I'm
happy to die here!

What a kind thought!

Also I did not know who
to leave all my money to.

I called the notary from Milan.

- Tomorrow he comes to settle everything.
- Thanks Uncle!

Leave the pleasantries alone,
otherwise he will tire.

He already has the "icy little hand"!
I don't know if he'll make it to tomorrow.

Uncle, I'll find a
pretty nurse for tonight.

I'll find her!

Oh God! Help!

- The monster!
- What happened? Hurry!

- Uncle Saverio! What happened?

- I saw a monster.
- Where is it? - There!

- I do not even want to look at it.
- Do not overdo it...

- Madonna! - How do you feel?
- Bad! I want my doctor.

Disinfect...

We cover you up...

Soon you will see...

You will see that after this
injection, he will sleep peacefully.

- So we sleep too.
- Doctor, tell us how he is.

In my clinical opinion...
his condition is not good.

- Then he is dying? - No No. At night
let him sleep, do not disturb him.

Then the night nurse does not help?

No, send her away!
He must sleep alone.

Who is that?

Fortunately she warns
me when she passes!

Where is it?

There it is!

I need a chair.

Which one is it? I'll snap it off.

Let's try this one.

Will this be it? Maybe.

It's so beautiful!

I was about to fall.

Damn!

- Hurry!
- Why?

He must have died.
Here is the body!

- What happened?
- What happened?

- It happened.
- It happened.

- I was going to pee...
- The bathroom. - It's back there!

I am not used to the house yet!

- He is not used to the house yet.
- I hit the chair and fell.

- He needs a nurse.
- But a real nurse this time!

- Excuse me, I'm looking for a nurse.
- What's Her name? - I do not know.

- So why are you looking for her?
- I have to find a nurse.

- You need a nurse!
- She must be beautiful...

In fact, she must be...
No She's no good.

She must be beautiful!

- Is this for a Miss Enema
pageant or what?? - No!

- She must assist an old man at night.
- Imagine that!

Our nurses usually assist
a young man...

...or a old doctor.

She's fucking hot!

She is a gynecology nurse.

- Just go!
- Really?

- Go!
- Thank you Doctor.

Miss! Miss!

- What's wrong with you?
- I'm going to do research.

- Let's take him for observation.
- No they'll give me a shot in the ass!

- Where have you been?
- They kept me under observation!

Did they observe how
much you're an asshole?

- May we come in?
- Good morning!

- How are you?
Miss!

Take a seat, I'll be right there.
Come here.

Go to work and tell my
wife I do not want a nurse.

- Do you need a nurse?
- It was my wife's idea.

Uncle Saverio from
Milan has arrived...

In short, I do not want the nurse.

Pity! My niece...

Aunt, leave it alone.

- What about your niece? - She's a
nurse, but if you don't need one...

What? A nurse is
necessary for us!

We must have a nurse!

If she wants. Sometimes
things just work out...

- Let's go there and get on with it.
- Excuse me Dr but what about my dentures?

You're beautiful like that,
do not worry about it!

- Really?
- Of course. Here we go.

- Let's go. - Is your aunt coming too?
- Yes! Upsadaisy!

You are a feather, madam!
Give me your arm.

You will not regret it,
my baby is very good!

- Uncle!
- What is it?

I wanted to introduce you...

Who is it?

- The new night nurse.
- Her?

- Yes.
- Beautiful! Very beautiful!

You are very kind, but
do not trouble yourself.

- What beautiful hands!
- The dead have risen.

- The doctor's prescriptions?
- They are there, on the dresser.

Lucia, come. I have to talk to you.

- Tell me.
- I made a big mistake.

- What?
- I did something that I'm ashamed of.

- You peed. - Worse! - Poop.
- Worse! - Pee and poop.

- No. When the notary came...
- You pee.

You peed together... what
are you telling me?

When the notary came, I made a will...
...in favor of the Discalced Carmelites!

- No!
- Shut up, my head hurts!

What will the Carmelites buy
with the billions? Shoes?

If the founder wanted them barefoot,
let's leave them that way!

Yesterday I was very angry.

When I saw that nasty
monster you got me...

...I thought you did it on purpose
to make me have a heart attack.

We did not do it on purpose.
The money is yours...

...and you can leave them to whoever
you want. - No, the law is clear!

Fair rent, usufruct... Whe he dies he must
leave us everything!

Code of Criminal Procedure, paragraph
5, sub paragraph 4...

- Now you have to take these drops.
- Yes, for sleep.

They make me sleep immediately.
To your health.

Beautiful!
These drops are good.

They work right away.

- Go to sleep. - You too.
- I stay with the young lady.

- There's no need.
- Yes, yes. Go!

- One moment.
- Go to sleep!

- I decide if I'm sleepy or...
- What? - I am sleepy.

Good night.

- Carlo, what are you doing?
- Studying.

- Have you seen the new night nurse?
- No.

- She's hot!
- Is she fat?

- No, she's got great big boobs!
- You like that, do you? - Of course!

Go look. As soon as you see
her, you will forget the books.

I'm studying, you go to her.

Sometimes I get angry because
I doubt you are my son.

You are never excited, you are always
tense, tight, and left handed.

You do not look like me at all.
As soon as I see tits...

...my brain explodes with excitement!

I'm not saying you have
to jump on all women like a rabbit...

Ours is a healthy family.

But there are plenty of other
things to do with a woman.

Do I have to teach you?

Eh..

- Where are you going?
- Shut up I...

- I was looking for cigarettes.
- On your knees?

- Yes, I do not have slippers.
- Where are they usually?

- I do not know.
- They're in the cigarette case.

- Where is the cigarette case?
- Where is it? - Over there!

- I can give you mine.
- Thanks Miss. Aahh!

My elbow! What a pain!

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Love, you're uncomfortable
on that chair.

Uncle is asleep, go to bed.
I'll stay in here.

No? I'm talking bullshit.
It does not matter.

It's better if I go to bed.
She is southern and jealous.

- Good night. - If you need
me, you know where to find me.

- Who is it?
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!

Do not worry, go back to sleep.

- I was just coming up to see you.
- Me? - Come in for a moment.

- If it's for that pain, I do not...
- It's for the faucet.

- I'm not a plumber.
- But it's so high!

I've been left without water,
I can not even make coffee.

Yesterday the plumber
came, a good boy.

He shut it off up there
to do the repair...

...and forgot to turn it back on.
And I can't do it.

I can try.

Yes, try it!

- Done!
- You're very tall. I like that.

- You're naked?
- I have to take a bath.

Simpatico!

I really... I should
go to university.

- Are you sure?
- Fuck it! I'll go tomorrow!

- Who is that?
- My husband.

- I have to go!
- He immediately goes back to bed.

- I'm sorry, I have to go.
- He is jealous, the little darling.

Carletto! Where are you running to?

Can I come in?

Is anyone there?

- Who is it?
- Good morning, I'm Pischella, the dentist.

I saw my son who...

I thought something had happened.
Aaaaahh!

- Why aren't they opening this window?
- You should come over here.

I've been waiting for twenty minutes!
I have to submit a question.

- Back of the line.
- She arrived before you!

- Hey baby, do you need the pimp?
- No, your sister does.

It's dangerous to argue. If you
come across a drug addict...

I punch him on the nose!
That'll do it, believe me.

- You were kind, thank you.
- It was nothing.

- How are your studies going?
- I do not have to take exams.

I just had to register for a course.
It's not important.

On the 15th I have the Pharmacology
exam, but I am already at a good point.

- Can I see you sometime?
- I'd love to.

- Tonight?
- Yes!

I mean no, I can't
go out in the evening.

Then we can meet
in the afternoon.

I would, but I'll be very tired.
Better not.

All right, I'll bring
another to dance.

Coward! If you do, I'll
punch you in the nose!

Nicola! it's me.

Hurry up, I have to
go to the hairdresser.

Why didn't you call me yesterday?

- Good morning! - The doctor?
- He's not here.

- Where did he go? - He was in a
hurry, he did not even give me a slap.

- Asshole! - He calls me that too.
- No, I'm talking about him!

- He makes me come here and then he's
not there. what do I do? - I'm here!

- Let me help you undress.
- Pig! How dare you?

Mrs! Zaira! It was to console you
for coming for nothing.

- If you say another word, I'll give
you another one! - No! 3 is bad luck!

There are four. I hope
one of them is the right one.

Do not say anything! These
peasants, they are crafty.

If need be, tonight I break off more.
I took a hit!

Right here. But I'll
continue until I find it.

- How do I look?
- Very well. - I want to see.

Can you see the beard?

- Of course.
- Can you see it's fake?

- No, it looks real.
- Good!

It looks real.

Thank you Doctor!

- Do me a favor? - Yes.
- Tell my niece to come in.

- Immediately.
- Thank you!

- The notary also has a foot in the grave.
- Thank you. - Come in, madam.

- He asked for his niece.
- She's not my niece, she's my wife.

- My other half. - What a situation!
- You are a notary, do...

- What are you doing ? Bounces?
- Please, take a seat.

- Dear uncle, new day, new life!
- Very well!

I am glad to have remedied
a serious injustice.

- Nicola, I canceled the old testament.
- The Bible.

- I have made a new will in your favor.
- Thanks, Moses! Thanks uncle!

BOOM! Dance with me!

Wake up, guys! Tonight
it looks like a dormitory!

Are you having fun?

Very much! I have not been
here for a long time!

- Do you not have a boyfriend?
- No. - How is it possible?

- I did not like feeling tied up.
- Would you like it now?

What time is it?

- Five to nine.
- At nine o'clock I have to go!

Are you Cinderella?

- So you are the prince charming.
- He was a peasant!

- I'll accompany you.
- No, my uncle comes to get me.

- It's a nuisance. - I understand
why you do not have a boyfriend.

This does not concern you.

- Miss. - Sorry for the delay.

Be calm, here the master is me.

In addition, the old man will
be already dead at this hour.

Let's think about the living!
"Jump if you can ", as Sara Simeoni says.

It's the Vienna Philharmonic!

- How is he?
- He sleeps like a buffalo.

- I gave him the sleeping pill.
- He always sleeps, what was the need?

"Better abundant than deficient",
as Dante says!

Come in, miss.

- I have plans for you.
- Which plans?

You are beautiful and good...

Listen to the buffalo. He already
has the rattle of the corpse.

He will last 2 weeks tops.
Instead you interest me.

You have the body of a technician.

My friend has a dental school.

- I send you, then come to work with me.
- Do you smoke? It's harmful!

- I have the filter. - Not to me, to him!
- He's already a corpse.

So...

My position is a little
awkward, it's hard to talk here.

Let's go to a quiet
place, a restaurant.

Tomorrow, at half past one, we'll
meet at the Grotta Palazzesi.

- Yes, the restaurant by the sea?

- Yes. We can eat lobster

- Nicola! - Yes my love?
- What are you doing?

I was talking to her
about a new drug.

- It's time for bed.
- In fact it is a sleeping pill...

Goodbye. She is jealous, she is southern.
If you need...

- Who is it?
- Brother Tazio of Velletri! - Let him in.

Good night.

So, miss...

- That man is my husband!
- Yes, of course...

- But believe me...
- That was a disgusting scene!

In my house you must behave,
otherwise you'll be fired!

- You can't treat me that way!
- Indeed I can.

No! No.

No, no!

You know what? Tomorrow I'll call
the notary, I rip up the will...

...and I change everything!
Now go to bed.

But, uncle...

Go to bed!

Good night.

Miss, I see you're uptight!
Smile, let's drink!

I came here to tell you that
your wife treated me badly.

I stayed only for the old man.
So stay far away from me.

- Do you have a infectious disease?
- Pretend that I do not exist.

You should not be offended
by what my wife said.

The psychiatrist says she is suffering
from a depressive, amnesia thing.

It means she talks a lot of bullshit,
then she forgets about it.

- It's really that bad?
- Of course!

It is a congenital disease.

My brother in law at 18 is very
tall but not right in the head.

Their chromosomes are not flat like
any other, they are elongated...

...So there's nothing in here...
Our son... I'm sorry.

Our son is beautiful, slender
and she has reduced him a moron.

- At last!
- Here is the spaghetti.

Is it Al dente?
*a play on words about him being a dentist*

Occupational hazard!

- For the second?
- We'll decide later.

Here the fish is exceptional.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Didn't you get amairiciana?
- Yes. - Why is it white?

Excuse me, it must be the humidity.
I feel a little...

I decided to get
you to work for me.

You will be a fantastic dental technician.

- You already have a helper.
- Peppino?

As I created him, so can I destroy him.
When I want, I'll fire him.

Together we can do many things.

That is the mission of the dentist .

When old men arrive with
gums full of pus...

...we do a good job
and we feel better.

When they have bleeding
gums, blood cells...

- You're not eating?
- No thanks. I lost my appitete.

I detached more of them. Have
them examined well.

- Call me tomorrow... why is
it always busy? - It's a bar.

- Act casual when you leave.
- What a situation!

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I could not help it.

I hate bad things,
harassment...

You were too hard on that poor girl.

You're right, uncle.
Your will be done.

- "As in heaven, so on earth."
- Do you know what my will is?

- Have you met the notary?
- Yup.

- All my goods are back...
- To whom?

- To the Discalced Carmelites.
- It's a fixation!

Before coming here did
you have a shoe factory?

- Unless...
- What?

Those who want to understand... understand.

A bit of champagne...

A bit of tamarind, so
it looks like Coke...

- Still champagne...
- She drank three, she'll be sick.

Do not worry!

If they drink, they become more relaxed.

One, two... three and four! Go!

- Are you sure?
- Go on!

- Here's another one.
- I'm really thirsty tonight!

I like Coca-Cola very much.

This song is nice!
Let's go dance.

My head is spinning!

It's not my head, it's the hall!

We should go out to the car.

No, I want to dance. Come on!

What would you like
to do in the car?

Be alone together and...

...do a little kissing.

- Like this?
- Yes, like that or...

Even better.

Like this?

I knew it, it works!

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight? - What's up?

Goodnight kiss?

- See you tomorrow.
- All right bye.

- Good evening.
- Good evening Miss.

- I did not think you would come.
- Why?

Last night I was a fool.

- It happens to everyone don't worry.
- Here they are!

You are a nice girl, the
problem is my husband.

- He's an animal, a sex maniac.
- Swine.

- He did not do anything wrong.
- Do not be enchanted by him.

- It's fine and besides I have a boyfriend.
- Wonderful!

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

Mr. Saverio.

- Mr. Saverio!
- Beautiful!

- Beautiful and lovely!
- I have to give you some medicine.

You can give me whatever you want!

No thanks. I take
it without water.

Actually without water
it's a bit difficult.

I light the heater, she
undresses and leans over her.

A giant sleeping tree!

She planted herself right
in front of the goal!

But I'm a horny dentist! Damn!

Good rigatoni! I want more!

Why did I decide to
live in the penthouse?

It's high!

St. Pancrazio of the terrace!

What a beautiful dream!

It's hot!

The horrible indigestion. I
told him it was too much!

He says: "Eat, it's good".

It's good, I know. The
last of rigatone always screws you!

Stay calm.

I'll just let in some fresh air.

No! It is not possible!

(nonsensical medical jargon)

I can't take it anymore!

It's hot.

It's hot!

How many are there?

All naked! Beautiful!

- It's nothing, stay calm.
- I saw two great big ...

- It was a nightmare.
- Two nightmares!

- Stay calm.
- Yes, I'm going to sleep.

I'm sleepy! My beautiful baby!

Where is this heat coming from?

As if it isn't hot enough?

Miss!

- Carlo! - Angela!

- How the fuck did you know where I work?
- This is my home.

- Your home?
- Yes, it's my house.

- You're the famous nurse!
- Famous? Why?

- In my house we do not
talk about anything else.

- Give me a kiss.
- No! Your uncle!

He's probably already dead.

Carletto. Carletto,
can you hear me?

Answer me! Come out here, there's
a nurse with a great set of tits...

She's half naked! Are you listening to me?
Son of a bitch, at least answer me!

Do not make me scream,
you're mother is flat...

Flat and mean!

She's not flat.

Is that her?

Damn! I had never noticed it.

I never saw you in this light.

Look at all that! Blessed
Mary of the Coronation!

Where do I start?

I'll take you like this,
put you in your arms...

...I put your legs on my shoulder.

I'll take you and I'll do...

No, let's stay here,
we're more comfortable.

You do not know what I'm going to
do to you, Blessed Madonna!

Love!

What's going on in my studio?
It's you!

- You must warn me when you're coming.
- Give me a kiss.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing, everything...

I spent some time... I can not
take it anymore, I'm on empty.

Last night my wife was like a
teenager and now I'm in pieces.

I came down here and you're telling me you
cannot do it? You're wasting my time..

I can not make love on command.

Now calm down and relax.
I'll care for your gingivitis...

...let's have a nice filling...

- No, filling excites me.
- You're just a dirty guy!

- Who is it?
- Lucia!

My wife! Hurry!

One moment! Get your stuff.

- My love!
- A moment! I'm preparing an injection.

- In here. Saint Lucia, save me!
- Nicola!

Here I am! I'm preparing an
injection with a new drug.

- Peekaboo!
- I was preparing the thing...

- I made you egg cream.
- You didn't have to do that. - Yes, yes.

After last night how are you doing?
TICHI TICHI!

- TACO TACO! - Boogie-woogie!
- Rock and roll!

- Here is the kingdom of my Nicolino!
- Nicolino.

- Ah, ah! - Oh, oh!

- Are you mocking me? Naughty boy!
- Hussy! - What's in there?

- There is where Peppino works,
it's rubbish! - I want to see.

- There are mice and a cat
with a mustache... - Come on!

- What's going on here!
- It's a scandal, a shame!

Wicked! Here's what
you do in my studio!

In a sacred study where
I receive patients.

...instead you receive these women...
- What women? - Normal women.

I'll eat your ear!
I give you 50,000 lire.

- 75,000.
- All right.

Do not get angry, it not good for you.

This unfortunate
man said "75" to me!

- What?
- He brought 75 women here!

- Why did you do it?
- I fell in love. - In love!

If he is in love, he is not to blame.

- I'm leaving!
- Why?

Do not go away like this, let's
be reasonable and settle the situation.

- Chickenshit Toothpuller!
- Goodbye, pussycat.

- She called you "Chickenshit Toothpuller"
- Really?

- Yes!
-Young lady, I'll break your bones!

- Nicola, Calm! You'll hurt yourself!
- I will break this syringe in her mouth!

All right. To calm down, you have
to breathe deeply.

Another one!

Attention please!

Tonight at 10:30pm there will
be a couples dance competition!

To the winning couple will win 2,000
lire offered by me...

...and a trophy from the disco.

And the other
fantastic prizes!

I'll see you at 10:30pm!

Now go back to dancing,
no more like animals...

...but as lovers.

- A pity we can not come.
- Yeah!

You do not know how sorry I am.
Say you're sick.

- Your father would immediately
look for me. - Yes that's true.

Any idiot is free to go
out at night and we can't!

It's not my fault.

Speaking of idiots! I had an idea.

A fabulous idea!

What?

- Tell me!
- You'll see it will work.

I'm sure!

Beautiful! Darling!

I'd like some water, I'm so thirsty.
Come to me, beautiful.

Dear!

Thanks, my sweetheart!

There she is! Beautiful!

Beautiful! Can you give me water?
Didn't you understand it was an excuse?

I did it only to see
your delicate hands!

Your hands... velvety.
Your hands...

Your hands? What
hands are these?

Hey! Who are you?

Who are you? You have
a beard, you are a man.

They asked me to replace her,
but do not tell the doctor!

- I will not tell him anything.
What are you, hitting on me? - No!

- I'll kill you! You are a policeman!
- No!

- So you're a thief!
- I'm here to earn something.

- You do not even look like a dying person.
- What do you care? - Nothing!

- Doctor, I have to talk to you.
- Aren't you ashamed?

Yes! Come inside.

- Come! - But your husband...

- He's fighting, he'll be busy
for 15 rounds. - All right!

Is it your husband?

No, he has a key.

- Hello. - Hi, Manolo.
- I brought you back your husband.

He went down in the first round.
In an hour he will be better.

How are you? Poor thing!

You're so stubborn!

I always tell you, but you
insist, you want to do boxing.

Anyway, you still have me
all to yourself for an hour!

- He is gone. That guy!
- He's not used to your lifestyle.

- I'm worried about Carlo.
- Why?

He went out suddenly,
at night, all alone...

He is not a child, he will manage.
And then we too are alone.

- We are not alone, my uncle is here.
- What do you care? He is dying.

- And where would you put the nurse?
- I would put her ...

She must stay near the old man.
We drink a whiskey...

...so we get excited
like angry dogs.

- We will be engrossed!
- You know that whiskey makes me sick.

That's why I give it to you,
to make you more excited.

We'll do it nine times!

- With ice or without?
- With ice.

- Lots of ice!
- No, it's better without ice.

It is more exciting.

The day we got engaged
we exchanged glasses.

- I do not remember.
- Do you remember the toast at the wedding?

We said, upstairs, downstairs,
down the hatch.

- Little finger!
- Little finger!

Ok! Ok! Ok!

Let's hear it for the couple number 2!

Very good!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's call
the couple number 6 to the dance-floor...

Please welcome...

Where is it? Here it is!

Carlo Pischella and
Angela Della Torre!

- Are you scared?
- No!

Come on guys! The winners
will be awarded by the mayor.

It took total
anesthesia for her!

I understand you're big, Lucia but...

He's already a goner.

Angela! My angel!

You do not answer? I know
you're shy, let me talk.

I'll say everything. You must
realize that I am in love with you.

I'm losing my mind! I have not been able
to concentrate for the last few days.

- My wife, the corpse...
- (Mumbling)

My Love! My Beautiful! You drive Me crazy!
What a beautiful nose, what lips!

I would like tell you that I love
you like in American movies.

I'm horny like a madman!

Turn around, love.

Beautiful, fresh, firm!

What a thigh! You must work out!

Now I crawl to the other
side, like a panther.

In this commotion let's uncork the bottle.
A toast!

Let's have a nice toast,
it will help us in frolic.

If you're horny in Martina
Franca, drink Blanc de Blanc.

- Wet love, lucky love.
- Right?

- Who is it? You were not dead?
- Ugly dirty!

Are not you ashamed at your
age to harass that creature?

If you're going to be like that,
I'm going away. Bye sweetheart.

Next time mind your own fucking business!

Thanks, I hate that guy!

And now I call the winner of the
third prize on the platform...

...that is, couple number 1!

Ok! Ok! Good applause!

Very well!

And now the winner of
the second prize...

Couple number 4!

Applause!

Now I will call the winner of the
first prize...

...that is, the couple number 6!

Thank you!

A moment of attention, guys!
Please be quiet!

As usual, the glorious
disco "lo e Valentino"...

...never disappoints and the
beautiful winner of tonight...

...has the right to perform in a song.
Do you want to sing?

Two who love each other do not
live only on dances and walks.

Do you think we can manage
to spend a little time alone?

- One of these nights I ask Peppino.
- What if your mother finds out?

A friend of mine has a small
apartment, but it's far away.

We should go to Foggia.

If you did not have so many
scruples, we could go to a motel.

I know, they ask us for the
documents, it's embarrassing...

...but with a little courage,
it's not such a bad thing.

Sweetheart! You fell asleep?

- Are you sure it does not hurt?
- No, it's easy.

- What's this?
- It can take the mold of the teeth.

- Be calm.
- Are you sure it does not hurt? - Yup!

I'll take care of that.

Ok. Bite down.

Hold it! Guard
right, guard left!

Look up!

Peppino, I've been calling you for half
an hour! Uncle Saverio must speak to you.

- What are you doing? - Making an
impression of the gentleman. - Hurry up.

- Open your mouth. It's stuck!
- If you leave , it will harden.

Do not do these anymore.
I will handle them.

- Excuse me, he's not used to doing these .
- The doctor will fix it.

- What have you done?
- Nothing!

- Where did you get the mixture?
- In the drawer. - That's cement!

Sorry!

- I'm going to Uncle Saverio.
- Yes, otherwise I'll break your bones.

Do not complain! At the
bottom these teeth were crap.

Now we can't fix with eight million cables.

They are good, aren't they?

- Who is it?
- I do not know.

- Who is it?
- Police!

- No one's home!
- Idiots, it's me! Open up!

Go open it! It is Alfredo.

Here you are!

Morons! you hear "police",
you shit in your pants.

Why did you come here during the day?

During the day??

At night I have to act like Muhammad.

The mountain did not come to him
so he went to the mountain.

What does that have to do with anything?

You were supposed to come see
me instead of sending him.

Every time he comes,
I have to make a new will.

I went to Bari to
show him the stones.

What did they tell you?

- He had a good laugh. - Why?

He said that it was a slap
in the face, it's glass!

- No!
- Yes!

What a situation!

The situation, is a bloody mess!

I thought I succeeded.

After so much effort, so much trouble ...
while you have a good time!

Yes, look what a hoot! It's
a fucking dump!

How is it possible that you
do not recognize a fake?

- It's a piece of glass!
- I did not come to have fun!

I work at night...

...in the dark, without light...

...on a chair, even
under a table...

...because every night I fall.

I plucked that chandelier
like a chicken!

Alfredo, you do not understand anything!
Baghetti has cheated you!

I will not allow you to offend
the memory of Saverio Baghetti!

He was a great man.

I still seem to see him
on his deathbed...

...when he told me: "Alfredo,
I must tell you a secret "...

"In the house of my niece
Lucia, back in 1942..."

"... I hid a 45-carat
diamond in the chandelier."

"It's worth a fortune, and nobody knows,
it's a big secret."

I get emotional thinking about it.

"It's a secret, not
even my niece, Lucia, knows."

"You, my Alfredo, you must
tell my niece Lucia."

"You must tell her!"

Do I tell his niece?
What am I crazy?

Do I tell his niece about
a 45-carat diamond?

He's not gonna rip me off,
I'm gonna rip off his niece.

I'll take the diamond!

- Meanwhile he is dead.
- Who cares!

How did you get out?
They will notice you are gone!

Do you think I'm stupid?
I organized everything.

I left a friend in my place.

Beautiful.

But with this general anesthesia
will sleep deeply.

- No need, he has not even moved.
- It's better that the elephant sleeps.

He has a disgusting skin!

In my opinion he wont live to see
the morning. Also he shrunk...

But I hope he holds on, because
tomorrow will change the will.

- But I can not resist anymore.
- But... - I have to tell you how I feel!

Beautiful! We continue from
where we stopped the other night.

Excuse me, it was an
instinctive reaction.

- Who is it?
- I'm here. get up. - The wig!

Also take a beard.

- Take this, I'm going to bed.
- Me too.

I can never sleep in peace!

Mr. Saverio, how are you?

How am I? So-so.

- You are something else.
- What do you mean?

Come in and out when you want.

Come in and go out?
I'm too ill...

Enough of this farce! Who
are you and where did you go?

Ok I'll tell you.

- I went to have X-rays taken.
- You are fine.

Why do you pretend to be sick?

Ok I'll tell you.

I went to... I went...

I am very rich and these
are my only relatives.

But I do not know them, I do not
know how they will use my legacy.

I faked myself sick to
study their reactions.

But you went out.

I went for...
I took a walk!

You, did it too, last night...
Did you think I didn't notice?

Did you tell anyone?

I said nothing! I'm not crazy.
I did not say anything...

...Because you are a nice and beautiful
girl and you will not betray me.

- True?
- Ok.

- I will not say anything.
- You will not regret it. Nice...

...Beautiful and sweet!

- Carlo, are you Busy? - No.
- I have to talk to you. - What is it.

- Look at me! - What is it?

You have to face reality...
sorry.

The situation is complicated. You have
to look me in the face and follow me.

There are three problems. First: the sick
uncle has already cost 7,857,000 lire

Second: the son of a bitch
has changed his will.

He willed everything
to the night nurse.

- The third problem can only
be solved by you. - Why me?

Now I'll explain.
It's all in here.

Do you remember how many times I
told you that the nurse is beautiful?

- Every time I see her, I get excited.
- So you like her.

- Is there something wrong?
- No. - I'll get to the point.

She says that although
I'm a handsome man...

...she would prefer
a younger man, a like you.

I created you, you are my son.
Beautiful, perfect! Teeth?

- Beautiful.
- Leave it alone, dad!

Are you my child or not? I am 43
years old and I am still full of life!

Go to the girl and say,
"I am the dentist's son".

"What a handsome boy, you look
like your father." And then...

- I did not understand what
you want from me. - I'll tell you.

- You go to her and get her pregnant.
- Pregnant? - Yup.

- How can I do? - The usual way

You... just get her pregnant!

- We can not in front of him!
- He sleeps deeply.

It would be disrespectful,
he's a dying man.

- No, he will recover besides our love will
bring him good luck. - You are awful!

- You always want to do it your way.
- Don't you mean "our way"?

He got up!

- Wait, you need help. Where are you going?
- To the bathroom.

- Do you want me to accompany you?
- No thanks. I'm feeling better.

- I'll take you there. - No!

- I’ll just be sitting there.
- With the flashlight?

- Is there a line?
- No, the flashlight?

Just in case the lights go out.

Uncle Saverio!
Come on!

I can't work on this
marble, it's too slippery!

- Who is it? - Uncle! -Ay!

- You fell? - No, I got up!

Of course I fell?

Fortunately, I grabbed the chandelier!

- Your parents did not hear?
- Dad will have drugged my mom. - Ouch!

- Good morning. - What did I forget?
- Your panties.

I don't wear any.

- So who's are these? - Oh yes!

Nicola likes me in these underwear.
Thank you!

It was a pleasure.

- You are kind. - You are hot! - Your
boss is exploiting you, isn't he?"

No, but he neglects
me because of women.

- Women! What women?
- I do not count them anymore.

- Fucking pig! Thanks bye.
- See you later.

My tie! Madam, my tie!

Mrs!

Mrs. Zaira!

I gave you your panties,
you give me my tie!

- Did you fall in love with me by chance?
- Yup!

You could have just said so.

I would do well to betray that pig!

Come, loverboy! Zaira
will take care of you. Hop in.

- Yes! - You won't be disappointed..

Giacomino, come in! Take
this chandelier away.

- I leave you to it, I'm busy.
- Go ahead.

Bye.

- Did something happen? - No.

- We are fond of you and are
you thinking about Carlo ?- Yes.

- But I do not need to come here anymore.
- He's dead?

- No, he's healed. - He healed
and did not tell us? Let's go.

Some kind of priest! This
brings good luck.

See you later!

Uncle! You're really all better!

- How did this happen?
- It's hard to explain it.

- Something happened to me...
- What? - It's better not to say!

An apparition!

- It appeared... St. sucker...
- Who?

St. Nicholas! Do you know him?

Of course. St. Nicola Pischella,
martyr and dental technician.

- He told me: "Get up, walk..."
- And poof. - I obeyed him.

I did not want to sin
and then I was healed.

I'm so happy!

I too, but I fear that
you will send me away.

- I was happy here.
- No! Are you kidding?

Here it is great, everything
paid, full board...

The nurse takes inheritance
and I take gravely ill.

Which light bulb does it
take for the new chandelier?

- What? - We changed the
chandelier, the other was ugly.

- It was my idea. - The diamond!

- Yes, a brilliant idea.
- No, the diamond!

A 45-carat diamond
hidden in the chandelier!

- 45 carat chandeliers!
- A diamond in the chandelier!

- Oh! - Where is it?
- I gave it to the junk-dealer!

- Give us the stuff you took!
- No, it's my stuff!

- What'd you say? - Let's follow him.
- Disgraceful!

- Thank you. - Stop!

- On the other side!
- Doctor, are we taking a trip?

Yes, a picnic!
Get in, wretch!

- Doctor! - Hurry up!

- Where'd he go? Who?
- I do not know him.

He has the warehouse at the port.

- Today I do not understand anything
anymore! - Maybe the diamond is not there.

No, it's there! Saverio told
me before he died.

- Saverio told him!
- Saverio! - Told him!

So you're not Saverio!

- May a stroke take me if I'm not Saverio!
- Disgraceful!

- I knew right away that you were rotten!
- You stink!

- Colonel in Dire Daua!
- What's the matter with you?

- Then you're made up!
- No! - Let me see!

Even the beard!

Wicked!

Son of a bitch!

I'll break your bones!
I'm not an asshole!

Watch where you are going!

- Put down that stuff!
- It's just a little doll!

I wont give it to you,
I'll throw it overboard!

- No!
- Disgraceful! It's your fault!

I'm going to get it! Let me go!

Is it deep? The shit I have to go through!

- Peppino! - I can not swim!
- You float!

- I'm done.
- Come back when my dad is here. - Goodbye.

Finally alone!

They should go out more often.

I wonder why they ran so fast!

Perhaps they were looking for this.