Like a Boss (2020) - full transcript

What? He was just at
the bar without any security or anything?

Wait,
I haven't gotten to the best part.

Next thing I know,
we're in his hotel room,

and he's lathering up my titties
with that little bar of soap.

It's crazy, because
I'm not even attracted to him.

He's got no ass.

- You're more of an ass girl.
- Exactly.

I like my men to have ass,
indeed. Okay?

I don't care if they can read.

But let me state,

Barack Obama straight fucked
the shit out of me.



- What?
- But I couldn't even enjoy it.

I was feeling so bad
for Michelle the whole time.

I told you not to read her book.
It's ruined all my fantasies about him.

I can block out his mom jeans,
but not Sasha and Malia.

What was his dick like
this time?

It was dignified and confident.

That dick was presidential.

- You want to shower first?
- Your hair takes longer.

I'm just gonna dry shampoo.

Why? It's not even greasy yet.
You're good.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Why is dream sex
way better than real sex?

Because they come
when you want them to.

Girl,
that is so true!



When I'm done, they're done!
Hello!

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your night, Syd?

Yeah, how was that muffuletta?

Oh, well, I ended up
eating the whole thing.

And then I realized I didn't take the
paper out between the cheese slices.

So I'm a little backed up.

- That's okay. Good fiber.
- Mm-hmm.

You're probably gonna
shit a novel.

Oh, God,
I sure hope so.

Wow, Syd. Let me step in
for a minute. Can I tap you out?

Guess what? We have the best
makeup artist in the house.

One of the owners.

- Hey, B.
- Hey, girl, how you doing?

Did you finish up that
last batch of plum lipsticks?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.

When did Mia mix that?
It's gorgeous.

I know, right?
She's a genius.

It's infuriating.

These aren't done yet.

She didn't finish the mascaras?

I don't like snitching on
your non-sexual life partner.

Yes, you do, Barret.

She ate some weed candy
and said she'd finish tomorrow.

Okay. I'll clean it up in a bit.

- So, where you headed to tonight?
- Uh, homecoming.

Homecoming! Okay,
what color is your dress?

- White and gold.
- White and gold...

All right, so now
let's finish those eyebrows off.

They're great brows, too.
Never ever pluck them too much, okay?

'Cause thick
is where it's at!

- So gorgeous.
- Thank you.

- Homecoming, I hear?
- Yes.

- Can I see?
- First, I want you to say,

"I'm a badass bitch.
Look at me and bow down."

But don't tell your mom.

I'm a senior.
Give me a fucking break.

Oh, sorry.

Okay.

I'm a badass bitch.
Look at me and bow down.

Yes! Take a look.

Oh, my God.

That's me!

And remember,
no sex tonight, okay?

Homecoming sex
is the worst.

Because your date gets to
dancing, they get all sweaty,

and that sweat gets trapped
under their cummerbund,

then that moves down to Funkytown,
and that's how you get a yeast infection.

And you don't
want a yeast infection.

Plus, you know, you're only
super tight for a limited time,

so you don't
want to waste it.

Amen!

Thanks so much for everything.

- All right.
- Bye, baby.

- You look gorgeous!
- Have fun tonight. Be safe!

If you not safe,
name it after me.

What... You didn't charge her
the full amount.

We gave her
the cute nerd discount.

We've talked about this.

Guys, we're barely keeping
our heads above water.

We're doing fine. The One Night
Stand kit is selling like crazy.

Yeah. I can't make them
fast enough.

I know.
Maybe that's the problem.

But if you can't get it,
that's what makes it cool.

Yeah. People love
being denied.

Quality is what we do,
right?

I mean, we don't want to mess
up our street cred. Right?

Right. Right.

All right, well, we're going
to Kim's baby shower.

See you guys tomorrow.

Actually, no. We'll be back.
We'll see you this afternoon.

Okay!
See you tomorrow!

Kim's house get even bigger?

She probably had one of those
Japanese toilets installed

that blow-dry
your coochie.

Wow.

It must be nice
having money.

Hi!

Hey!

Hey!

You guys are so sweet
to always do our makeup.

We want you to look good,
and you do.

- You look real good, pregnant girl!
- Oh, thank you.

I actually feel amazing.

Just wait.

Little Ryder. He's such a little
cuddle bug, and so chubby!

I know. His little fat folds
catch all the food I eat.

Same, girl.
Same over here.

Hi.

Hi. Perfect timing!

- Where should I put it?
- Over here is great. Come on in.

What did you guys do?

This is a little something...
to show your future.

What the...?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Is this vagina eating
this poor baby doll's head?

Is this chocolate sprinkles
your pubes?

Oh, my God.
This is so beautiful.

You talking about this frosted
replica of your vagina?

- That's exactly what it looks like.
- Ew.

I got completely waxed,
though.

I want a clean work space
for the doctor.

That is so considerate!
I made them find it.

I can't believe
you don't want one of these.

- You talking about a pussy cake?
- No, a baby!

- You know our business is our baby.
- Hell, yeah.

I know,
but I just get worried

that you guys are gonna
wait too long and miss out.

- We got time.
- Yeah, Janet Jackson had a baby at 50.

Exactly. And you can have
a successful career and a baby.

I'm doing both.

I'm losing my fucking mind!

I had a dream last night that Ryder
was crawling around on the floor.

There were
a bunch of mousetraps,

and they kept taking pieces of him away
from me until there was nothing left.

Oh, you got to do it!

So how is the business going?

I mean, we don't have shit tons of
money, but we're doing pretty great.

Oh, really?
Seriously?

- Okay.
- So... you're okay?

Online sales
are very strong.

And the store?
Is business picking up there?

Well, homecoming season just started,
so we're getting those clients.

- You guys should come and check it out!
- For sure.

- Oh, cute!
- Thank you, Aunt Margot.

Okay, what's next, what's next?

- This one is from Mel and Mia.
- Oh, my God.

"Baby's First Makeup Kit."

So cute.

A little baby lipstick.

Yeah, babies can use it.
Makes 'em look smaller.

- I'm gonna steal that baby's makeup.
- I know.

Oh, my goodness,
this is so clever.

- Where'd you get this?
- We made it.

- We have our own makeup company.
- Good for you.

My youngest daughter sold her alkaline
water company for four million dollars.

- Wha?
- Mm-hmm.

Have you had a valuation
of your company yet?

No, not yet,
Aunt Margot.

Oh, well, don't worry.
It comes at a cost.

She's always
been so driven.

You know, she just had
her first baby last year.

Well, congratulations,
Grandma Margot.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

What a rude-ass woman!

What does she do? She just gives her
rich old husband hand jobs? I mean...

I love when
you get mad like this.

I wish you would do this in people's faces.
Why you don't do that?

- 'Cause I got you for that.
- This is true. I got your back.

- She didn't know what she was talking about.
- Mm-hmm.

"My daughter
with the uranium..."

- You mean alkaline.
- Wasn't it uranium?

No, she said alkaline.
Alkaline water.

Trying to get people's
pH balance right.

- I can't believe her.
- Mm-hmm.

Let's keep it one hundred. Her daughter a ho.

Let's just keep it one hundred.
You know who she look like?

She look like
a messed-up Betty White.

You know who she really looked like?
George Washington.

Yes! Like she straight off
the Quaker Oats box.

I just look at her, and
I want to start boiling water.

- I got to open the window.
- It is kinda smoky.

Man, I feel like eating
some oatmeal right now!

You feel me? Put some butter
and brown sugar in it.

Yeah, I got the munchies.

Is that your stomach?

It's Ryder.

- What?
- Somebody's here. Hi!

- Mm. Let me put this out.
- Wait, wait, wait.

- Okay.
- Wow.

Girl.

- He was so quiet.
- I know.

We didn't even
see him in there at all.

- Girl, put that shit out.
- Oh, sorry.

Ow!

- Damn, girl.
- Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

That baby
look like he smoking.

- Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. Hold up.
- No.

Let me get this.
Look at that.

- Look at it.
- That's terrible. We're terrible people.

We're not terrible people.
That baby sleeping good.

He probably gonna be a
philosopher when he grow up.

You shouldn't be sick of them.
Just watch Ryder. He sleeps...

Oh, shoot. Here they come.
We got to hide.

You need to see
a baby sleep to...

Out the window,
let's go.

Come on.
Come on, come on.

Ah!

- Ah!
- Shoot.

Okay.

I love our friends,
but I can't handle the judgment today.

I think... I can do it.
I can jump in the pool. Let's go.

- We can make it.
- Hell, no!

Come on. Let's do it.
Let's do it.

- What is that... smell? Is that weed? Kim!
- Ahh.

Oh, no, somebody's
been smoking weed in here.

Who smokes weed in front of a baby?

- Kim!
- What's going on?

Is somebody out here?

What in the literal fuck?

Hi.

Kim!
Such a beautiful shower.

- What did you guys do?
- Nothing!

I'm so sorry,
but I don't think he was inhaling.

- What?
- It was just a tiny little bit.

He didn't...
My baby was dead for, like, a minute?

No. Your baby is fine.
Not high, nothing.

You guys, why didn't you
invite me to smoke with you?

You know what?
We are not in college anymore, okay?

None of y'all bitches is better than
us, okay? All y'all got issues.

You know what else we got?
We have homes.

Because we have
actual accountants.

And not just using TurboTax.
The trial disk of TurboTax!

You should get
at least the full version.

- Mel, you are a mess.
- You stay off of Mel.

Y'all need to understand, okay, this
is my friend, and she is a good person.

If it wasn't for her,
we wouldn't even have a storefront,

'cause she got
the good credit.

So don't you talk shit
about my friend!

Are you fucking kidding me?
You clowns need to get your shit together!

- Ooh. Well...
- bitch!

- What are you doing?
- Girl, I'm not messing up this good hair.

Here you go,
Auntie Margot!

We're out of here.
Come on, girl!

Whoa!

- That's not her real hair?
- No, it's a cultural thing.

♪ Flip it, smack it Smack it, ooh, yeah ♪

Mia!

♪ You better Flip that
flapjack Flip it ♪

♪ Flip it ♪

♪ Smack it, smack it
Flip it, smack it ♪

Okay, just... too loud.

Oh, my God, it's so loud.
Just 10% less.

- It's the other half of Peanut M&Ms.
- What?

'Cause you're M and M and your
friendship is so awesome, it's nuts!

No, Harry.
That's very sweet, but, no.

Sorry if my booty call
kept you up last night.

- No, I slept fine.
- Oh, good.

I had to work off
that extra vagina cake.

Mm-hmm.
Right on top of Harry.

P.S. Harry's not really hairy.
He's smooth like a CPR dummy.

Not really my type, but...

You know, he can hear you, babe.
He's right there.

Oh, no. Don't worry
about my feelings.

Mia and I are completely honest
with each other.

This is the healthiest relationship
I've ever had. No contract.

I'm so happy
for both of you.

She just a little bit bitter because she
didn't grow up with open communication.

No, but I had your mom.
And she was the best.

She was the coolest,
Mia's mom.

- What was she like?
- Super-duper dope.

Actually, she left us
this house when she passed away.

- Love you, Ma!
- Love you, too, Ma.

What does your mom do, Mel?

- Meth, mostly.
- Yeah, she's a "cook."

She's been clean
since 2000-never.

Her sense of humor's a little
dark, but I love it.

Can I get a pancake, bro?

Okay, Mel.

Damn, looks like
I ain't the only one

that got broke off
with some dick last night.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey.

Actually, uh, you have to go
because I'm going to church.

Oh, okay.
Uh, can I call you?

No. But thank you.

- Bye.
- Oh.

The door's just there.

Okay.

Damn, you got some
dumb dick last night.

- Please.
- You guys are so cool.

I love the idea of being your age
someday and still living with my dudes.

- Huh? Ouch.
- I don't listen to nothing he says, girl.

I just watch
that velvety mouth move

and think about it all
in my nooks and crannies.

Our friends have
homes, families, lives.

Is it weird that
we're still roommates?

Who cares if we still live together?
We are two badass queens,

like those bitches who raised
Wonder Woman. We a tribe.

Yeah. Right.
We are?

Yes!

We shouldn't feel guilty
about putting our careers first.

We're just acting like men.

We've worked our asses off,
we've opened our own store. We're winning.

See, black girl, white
girl, to show we do both.

Got it all together.

Ah, there they are!

Hey, ladies.

The geniuses are back!

You're acting weird.

Oh, well, we were just showing Josh
the new changes to the website on Wix.

Since he's...
part of the industry.

Sorry, we're not hiring.

Are we all here now?
Let's do a roll call.

Mia? Mel?

Great.

And Sydney.
Featuring Barret.

And who the hell
are you?

I'm here on behalf
of Claire Luna.

Oviedo Beauty
Claire Luna?

Oviedo Enterprises International
Claire Luna.

Of course.

Claire's been monitoring
your online sales

for the last several months.

And this... is clever.

Yes. One Night Stand, our single-use
makeup kit you can just throw in your bag.

- It's our best seller.
- Claire likes this.

And so she'd like to sit down with
you at her earliest convenience to

discuss investing
in your company.

What? Are you serious?

Obviously,
Claire has excellent taste.

But we started this business so that
we didn't have to answer to anyone.

Thank you for stopping by.

And you are the cleanest man
I've ever seen.

- You should hit that, B.
- Please.

She's too much.

Give me a second, I'll be right back.
Don't leave.

You really do smell
fresh and clean.

You know, like a thermometer
before it goes in your butt.

You don't even want to meet her?

No. We said
we'd never sell out.

I know every time I talk about
financials, your eyes glaze over...

Nope, I have chronic glazy eye.
That's from the weed. We know this.

Right, well, I haven't figured
out a way to tell you this:

We've never really recovered
since we opened the store.

Stop it. You're being
overly dramatic.

Mia, if we keep going like this,
we're gonna have to close in six months.

What the hell?
Y'all got birds in here?

Don't mind the drones, they're a
gift from an admirer of Claire's.

I'm not supposed to
tell anyone who it is.

Jack Dorsey.
Of Twitter.

Ooh. It's still like
you didn't tell anyone,

'cause I don't know
who the hell that is.

We shouldn't be here.

You want to just
let our store close?

Is it really that bad?

You know what,
don't tell me.

Okay, I won't tell you.

Okay, tell me. I can handle it.
Come on. Bring it.

We're $493,000 in debt.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry. I know I've let us down.
I'm sorry.

It's hard for me to tell you these things.

Stop it.
We'll figure this out.

Together. Okay?

- Aah!
- What are you doing? What did you do?

He attacked me first!
Why are you taking his side?

We're gonna get in trouble.
Why did you do it? She's looking at us!

- Put that in your purse.
- What?

Put it in your purse. You a white woman.
You will not go to jail.

- Two different laws.
- Put it in.

You got that white privilege.
You won't get no jail time.

Just leave it like that.

- Should I come back another time?
- No, no, no.

I was just having a little stretch.
I'm so sorry, I have a tight calf.

I ran a marathon
this morning.

Smooth.

Claire will be with you
when she wants to be.

Oh, my God,
she has a Wegner Swivel Chair.

That's a $10,000 chair.

- That is so stupid.
- $10,000.

It's stupid!

Hello,
you fabulous women.

Mel Paige
and Mia Carter.

Two-time "Atlanta
Small Businesswomen to Watch."

$21,000 in online sales
last month.

Best friends
for 22 years!

Impressive.

I'm Clara Luna...

which means
"Clear Brilliant Moon."

The literal translation is "Clear
Moon." The "Brilliant" is implied.

But you can just call me Claire.

It's such an honor
to meet you.

The honor
is always all mine.

I am so proud I found you.

You didn't find anything.
We've been here.

Ooh, Mia!

You're spicy.

I like it.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

My phone is... buzzing.
I apologize.

That was...

It's very loud.
I'm sorry.

Ow! Ooh!

That's weird.

See, what happened was
it was flying and it hit...

Was that hot?

- Sure.
- Yes!

Are you a golfer?

Oh, no. It's just something
to fiddle with.

Some people do it with toothpicks,
the kids with their boogers...

- Some grown-ups with the boogers, too.
- Shh.

You two belong here.

I want to send women
on the same incredible journey.

Look, Claire,
our brand has value to us.

We want women to realize
that they're already beautiful,

not that they have to
paint it on or cover it up.

We want them to shine
from the inside out.

Understand?

More than you think.

You think I don't understand
where you're coming from.

But I understand more than
you understand I understand.

Mel, like you,
I come from broke beginnings.

And, Mia, like you,
I have a passion for mixing color.

We both started our own
business all on our own.

And I have a mole on my
face, just like you do.

I want you to feel
the bliss

of looking at your products
displayed in a high-end store.

I want to see your reaction when you
are looking at your bank account...

and you realize
you're millionaires.

Man, I would shit right in
the middle of the Wells Fargo.

Oh.

Okay.

I wouldn't do that.

Well, get ready.

I'm going to pay for your debt
completely for 51% of your company.

And I want to introduce
the Mia & Mel line for Oviedo

at my upcoming launch party.

And if that goes well,

I am going to invest an
additional $1.7 million on you.

You're literally
saving our lives. I...

Can I give you a hug,
please?

Nope, no hugs.
We're not taking that offer.

She is gonna control our company.
And that's not what we're about.

Okay, if you could just excuse us for...
uno momento.

- Please. Do you trust me?
- I don't trust this bitch.

We don't have
the choice.

I know a lace front when I see it.
That is not her hair.

- Please, Mia, trust me.
- No, no, no.

We can't do it!

My best friend and I
discussed it.

The answer is...
hell no.

Okay.

I'm gonna do something
I've never done,

but I think you two
are worth it.

I will take only 49%,
and you maintain controlling interest.

Happy?

I still don't like that.

If you could please just give us a little
time to think it over and talk about it?

Okay.
It's a big decision.

Don't rush it.

She'll need an answer
by tomorrow.

So...

I don't want to talk about any
more of this Claire Luna stuff.

Let's not
talk about it then.

Hold it, Baby Driver!
Where the hell we going?

That was intense.
We need a drink.

It's karaoke night.

Why did you give them
51% stake in the company?

Strategy, Josh.

And I'm gonna get everything
I want from those girls.

'Cause no one stays besties
once money comes in.

Money changes everything.

And if it doesn't...
I will.

You're a bitch.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

All right, two Peach
Cîrocs for my two roadside peaches.

- Oh, thanks.
- Cheers, guys.

Cheers.

Mia, it's like we've sacrificed our
whole lives for a chance like this.

So this is you not
talking about Claire Luna.

This is me talking about a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Our next two ladies.

Please welcome Mia and Mel!

- Are you serious?
- We haven't done this one for a while.

Girl!

Come on, Mia, sing!

Come on, girl!

♪ Love lift us up
Where we belong ♪

Girl, I know
what you're trying to do.

We have worked our asses off
to get here!

♪ Where the eagles cry ♪

♪ On a mountain high ♪

- What if we lose our freedom?
- ♪ Claire will lift us up Where we belong ♪

Don't stand there
and karaoke me.

♪ Far from the world we know ♪

♪ Where the clear winds blow ♪

You know you tripping,
right?

We've dreamed of this
since we were teenagers.

No, you've dreamed of this
since we were teenagers.

I just wanted to be a boss.

You saved my life when you took me in.
Now let me pay you back.

You know what?

Okay, fuck it.
Let's do it.

Let's do it. Long as you stop singing.
Let's blow the fuck up!

- Whoo! Yeah!
- Let's blow this makeup up!

Hello, ladies.

Do you know Greg and Ron from Get Some?
Greg and Ron, these are...

Mia and Mel from Mia & Mel.
No introduction needed.

We follow you on Insta,
and you are such an inspa...

...ration.

And you are in cosmetics
as well?

- Yeah.
- Weird, right? Two straight dudes?

We thought you were gay
immediately.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you so much.

We feel the beauty industry needed
fresh eyes on women's makeup.

- Shatter some myths.
- Let's just be real, right?

Who are women trying to make
themselves look beautiful for?

- Themselves.
- Each other.

Men.

- Mmm.
- It might not sound woke,

but we're just trying
to be authentic.

Modern women admit...
they want sex, and they want to look hot.

That's why our slogan
is simple and to the point:

- "Get some. Look hot."
- Look hot.

That is simple.

Thank you very much, guys.
You know your way out.

- Ladies. Claire, thanks. Love you.
- Come on in, ladies.

Those guys are knuckleheads,
but they are very ambitious.

I'm thinking of buying their
company, too. We'll see.

Okay, ladies,
just one more provision.

This is gonna be a really intense process.
And, in my experience,

business and friendship
don't always mix.

I guess what
I'm trying to say is

if your partnership gets into any
kind of trouble during this process...

if one of you
quits the company,

I will take 51%
controlling interest.

That's never gonna happen. We've been
best friends since middle school,

and our friendship
makes our business better.

Yep,
we rock solid.

So you don't have to worry
your pretty little head.

My head is not little.
It's just that my breasts are humongous.

That's just
what I was thinking.

OMG!

Congratulations.

Now we celebrate.

Come on, Mia.

Please stop. Okay. We celebrated.

The launch party
is in six weeks.

I need you to come back with a
presentation for what your company brand

will be under
my banner... mañana.

Of course. No problemo.

We got this. Thank you.

Well, well, well. Is this what
those Claire Luna coins gets us?

You didn't have to get us such fancy
gifts, but I love it.

We wanted to.
This is a big moment for all of us.

We wouldn't be here
without you guys.

Gucci, Gucci, goo!

Gorgeous.

Okay. So,

how are we gonna rebrand
for Claire?

What is our story?

I'm a divorced pet lover.
Use mine.

Sydney. Love you.
Love your story.

But I think we should just stick with
our own story, you know? Keep it real.

We can't go back to Claire
and tell her

what we've come up with is we're just...
keeping it real.

We need to try something new.
Let's zhuzh it up a bit.

- Did you just say "zhuzh"?
- We got to zhuzh it up!

- Zh-zh-zhuzh?
- Don't be so zhuzh-mental.

Zhh!

Let's focus up!

Zhh. Zh.

What is the intersection between
what Claire wants and what we do?

- Come on, girl.
- We need you, Mia.

You know
you the idea woman.

Look, good ideas do not come
to me if they are forced.

I have a process.

- Let's go out.
- Please. Girl, what?

Harry's throwing a
last-minute birthday party.

We could swing by there,
have one drink,

and then I can give him
his birthday present.

We've got a presentation tomorrow.
This is seriously important homework.

There'll be
young girls there.

We could ask them some questions,
maybe come up with some ideas.

How about day-to-night
opalescent powder

called "Sparkly Face"?

How about I got to
give Harry his birthday gift,

so you ask some of these other people
what they do with their makeup.

- I'll be right back.
- Mia, I can't...

We don't have time!

Happy birthday.

Come on, we got to make this fast,
'cause Mel and I got work to do.

I'm so excited for you guys.
I've been smiling all day.

You always smile all day.
Now, come on.

- This is crazy, this is cra...
- No conversation!

You young people always trying
to narrate your whole damn life!

It's like having sex with
somebody on Instagram Live.

- Hey.
- Hey!

You girls are so cute.

Tell me about your makeup.

Actually don't wear any.
Just sunscreen and lip plump.

Get out! I think
I see some shadow there.

- Are you Melissa's mom?
- Fuck off! Are you?

What about you,
Ginger?

All my makeup
is semi-permanent.

Ouch.
Thanks for nothing!

I can't believe you left me
to go and look for that guy!

I know. I'm the worst.
He was so much shorter up close.

He was short from far away.

Hey, girl.
Where have you been?

Sorry it took me so long, but I was
destroying Harry for all future women.

- Is that dip?
- No, it's ranch dressing.

- Bagel chips!
- Hero!

I am so glad I found you.

It's weird how scary
the whole world can be.

And then your person shows up,
and you're like, "I'm good."

And how, like, our eyes are just
wet security cameras in our head...

gathering just data.

- I think I smoked too much.
- Yeah.

Thank God I'm not alone.
I'm really glad you're here.

Always.

You're my ride or die.
I'm always here for you.

Like you for me.

Remember
when my mom passed?

I wouldn't have made it through
that funeral without you.

Everyone coming up to me,
"If there's anything I can do for you..."

And they'd walk away before they
find out if I needed anything.

And then here you come,
with them four Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

With pickles.

Them salty-ass french fries.

And the chocolate shakes spiked
with the Captain Morgan's.

That was exactly
what I needed.

We so lucky
we got each other.

We should get
some french fries.

- I got it.
- What?

I know what we can do.

And Claire Luna's
gonna love it.

But first,
let's get them french fries.

Hey. My name is Mia.
What's yours?

- Ellie.
- Jess.

Tell me,
what do you guys love about each other?

- This one?
- Yeah.

- Or no, this one.
- Tap. Just make it go.

- Where did you meet?
- It was actually a Halloween party.

Oh, what were you dressed as?

Destiny's Child,
but there was five of us.

We want our products
to make you feel like

you just found
your person in the crowd.

Happy and safe.

No matter how
much you see your flaws,

your person is always standing
there, reminding you:

you are beautiful.

We want to create a line that,
instead of hiding your flaws,

boosts
your best parts.

We call it "Proud."

"Proud Mary"?

My grandma used to
play it all the time.

She said, "That's the voice of a woman
that's ready to turn up the great."

We want it
to be our anthem.

Her eyebrows always look perfect.
Look at 'em!

I love her skin because it's flawless.
Like, my best friend has no flaws.

And she has dimples,
they're so cute.

She has natural eyebrows,
she doesn't have to fill 'em in.

How could you turn off "Proud Mary"
before the fast part? Who does that?

This is the opposite direction
to what you should be heading.

This is all wrong!

Too sentimental.
Mushy. It's cheesy.

Sappish. Cornish.

Not sexy at all.

Sorry, I think Mia
was just thinking...

I'm sorry... We were just thinking
that the best kind of relationships

and the best kind of makeup
make you feel beautiful.

Then stitch that on a pillow,
honey, and sell it on Etsy.

I am asking you
to push yourselves to the edge.

I want you to be fierce!

How far are you willing to go?

Far!
We can go far.

I know we're fierce.
We're totally fierce!

- Down to go places.
- That's why we're friends.

We're gonna push you
to the edge.

So afraid you gonna fall off.
But you're not.

- You're not.
- You're not. You're gonna fall into beauty.

- And be beautiful.
- And you're gonna push it!

- And, like, fierce beauty.
- Yeah.

Are we selling animal cookies?

I need you to be fierce yourself so
that you can inspire the ugly people

to buy themselves
into gorgeousness!

Listen to the word:

Fierst.

Fierst.

What is it saying to you?

I hear "fear" then "erst."

I hear that, too.

Fierst.

- Fierst.
- Fierst.

Fierst.

Now whisper it.

Feel it inside you.

Fierst. Fierst.

Jarring. Unexpected.
Exhilarating.

That's fierst.

Can you be fierst?

- Uh-huh.
- Yes, we can certainly try.

Get the car and my purse!

Okay, girls,
this is what you do well.

The rest of it... no.

But you've only chosen
lipstick and foundation.

Yeah, and you said
you loved our One Night Stand.

That's because it was a fabulous
idea when it came out years ago.

Now it's boring.
You need to evolve.

- That's what I've been saying.
- Exactly. She gets it.

I need a new
exciting idea.

Now!

Anyone! Don't just
wait for Mia, Mel.

Uh, well, um...

How about a...

custom-blended two-sided
lipstick, and you can pick...

whichever shade
fits your mood.

Mmm.

- Yes.
- Yes.

That's the kind of creative
juice I'm looking for out of you.

Great juices.
You follow that.

Follow your juices, Mel.

Yeah, Mel,
follow your juices.

Hey.

- Okay, just be respectful.
- You be respectful.

- I'm not arguing with you.
- I'm not arguing with you, either.

Do you need to fight in private
or shall I count to ten?

Count to ten,
because I got more shit to say.

She's trying
to help us evolve.

- What are we, Pokémons?
- No. Hey. Hey.

Relax. I'm not
arguing with you.

I'm just saying
I don't like that.

Hello!

You know...

fighting isn't always bad.

I used to have sex with my husband...
just amazing sex...

after we fought.

And then he started having
amazing sex with himself.

And, well,

you know, then we stopped fighting
and now we're not married.

Mmm. Mm, mm, mmm.

How many can you do in an hour?

Around 75.

But I don't.
Because I'm not showy.

I can do 300,000, and I do.

But it's so nice to see that

there are actual artisans that
still work with their hands.

It's so romantic.

Thank you, Barry.

Barret.

Barret.

- You have to fire him.
- What?

- We can't do that.
- We not gonna do that.

I'm gonna be mass producing
your products now.

Sadly, he's obsolete.

With all due respect,
he built this business with us.

Did you know that I had a
partner when I started out?

Shay Whitmore.

Josh!
We don't say that name.

That woman and I
met in college.

- They were freshmen roommates.
- Josh!

- Whose story is it anyway?
- It's yours.

We were best friends
and in business for 12 years.

And then I had to fire her.

Damn, that's some
coldhearted shit.

If you want to be businesswomen,
you'll have to make many tough decisions.

He's got to go.

I'm sorry.
This is just really hard for me.

It's not easy for me, either.
Let's just not do it, then.

No, you heard
what Claire said, okay?

It's easier for you. That's why
you should do it. You're meaner.

You're meaner on the inside!

It's like you got a little
Mr. Krabs living inside of you.

You're right.
You're right.

I'm secretly meaner.

This arugula is good as hell.

You know they call it "rocket"
in Europe?

What the fuck is that?

It's arugula, honey.
That sounds better, right?

Mel, don't you have
something you want to say?

Barret...

What?

- Go ahead, spit it out.
- Yeah, spit it out, Mel.

- Barret...
- Uh-huh.

I just...
I wanted to...

Barret, I'm gonna... I...
What I wanted to say...

That was...

I...

I love your suit.

Oh, thank you!

I do look good
in a tartan plaid, right?

Barret... we love you.

You're fired.

What?

But...

Mel?

They're outsourcing
our production. We're sorry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You know what?

I knew this shit was gonna happen.
Fuck the both of you!

Don't hate me, hate Mel.
It was her idea.

- What are you talking about?
- Yes, it was your idea. It was your idea.

Oh, okay. I knew
this one was a pickled beast.

But you, Mel?

You want to fire me,
and you make Mia do it?

Shame on your house.

Wait! Firing you is not my idea.
I promise.

We wouldn't even be here

had you not pushed me into letting
Claire do a grab job on our company.

She saved our company,
which was about to go broke!

Oh, yeah,
and everything's so fantastic now.

- No, nothing's fantastic now.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey! Shut it.

Witness... my...
tragic... moment!

Happy birthday, baby.

- Happy birthday to me!
- Happy birthday.

- Happy birthday, Jill.
- Thank you!

I love you.

Thank you guys so much
for doing this for my birthday.

Oh, my God.
Baby, anything.

Ladies, if there's one thing I
have learned in my ceviche journey,

it's that it's all about
the right amount of cilantro.

Is it just me, or has working
with Claire Luna made y'all fancy?

'Cause I'm getting a fancy vibe.

She's a very impressive person.
She fucked Drake.

- Is that true?
- Just stop, okay?

Because you are gonna make Mel jealous,
because she wants to fuck Claire Luna.

- Oh.
- Okay!

Well, you sure showed us.

We are just so sorry that we
ever doubted your choices.

- So proud of you.
- Thank you.

- I never did doubt it.
- Yeah, it was mostly me.

I just have to say that I am looking
around the room at these ceviches

and they all look beautiful,
but Mel, yours looks best of all.

I appreciate that, Brook.
Thank you.

Look at that, the lady in charge
complimenting Mel's ceviche!

You gonna
suck her dick, too?

I'm not interested
in sucking Brook's dick.

I think you're just jealous
because Claire likes me more.

Ooh.

Why don't we move it on
to the chile rellenos, shall we?

Step one,
we want to add a little cheese.

And step two,
I actually don't have a penis.

But if you did,
we would suck it.

Yeah, she's
over the legal limit.

Actually,
I'm very happy for Mel.

She finally found someone
that likes her more than me.

- Ooh, boy.
- Success has changed you.

It's changed something,
that's for sure.

I would express more shock,
but I've had so much Botox.

Okay, it might be
time to kick it up a notch.

So, I happened to bring with me
some ghost peppers.

I will pass them around. Ladies,
I'm telling you, they are very spicy.

Just a little sliver
goes a long way.

Wait, hold up.
Maybe you want to call Claire

and ask her permission
to use a ghost pepper.

Claire? Hello?
Are you on the line?

Just call me
when you grow up, okay, Mi?

Oh, when I grow up?
Oh, I'm grown. I'm real grown.

You the one that's the crybaby.
You the one that cries all the time.

Oh, oh.

Why don't you call Claire
and cry to Claire?

Go cry to Claire.

The fake crying is gonna make me
lactate, but this is great.

"Mia won't
let me kiss your ass."

I think they're really mad at each other.
Shouldn't we do something?

No! I have not seen adults be
shitty to each other in a minute.

This is better than watching
that little bitch Caillou!

Who the fuck
is Caillou?

He's this kid on Nickelodeon.
Fucking idiot.

Why don't we actually move
it on into the living room

for some mezcal
and some tequila?

Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Dick or no dick, I love that Brook!

- Whoo!
- It's-It's no dick.

- More booze!
- Maybe we'll be swimming in a baby pool full of flan.

- I would watch it.
- That's enough.

I can have as many as I
want, 'cause I run this country.

- You can have... It's birthday time.
- Thank you.

You won't remember this anyway.

You cry to Claire.
You cry to Claire.

Chiles up your ass.

Well, this is the first alcohol
I've had since the baby was born,

and I got to tell you,
it feels right!

Mm-hmm!

Well, bon appétit.

Or as they say
in español, buen provecho.

Oui, oui.

I want to do more of this.

Have a birthday,
you want to make changes.

- Oprah says you don't start living until you're 40.
- Mmm!

- You okay?
- Yeah, but a little spicy.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, Mexican food
is spicy.

Very hot.

Nobody else's
lips are burning?

No.

Just ease up on the...
Have some water.

Uh, chef?

Do ghost peppers get hotter
when you cook them?

No it shouldn't,
not if you just used a sliver.

"Sliver"?
I want to see that movie.

I learned how to masturbate
with that movie.

That's not right.

Okay.

- Yeah, just have some water, honey.
- There you go.

There go you.
That's better. That's right.

Oh!

It's getting hotter.
It's getting hotter.

Oh, this is hot!

Whoo!

Why is she eating like a dog?

Use a fork.
You look disgusting.

Oh!

No, no, no, no.

Okay.

It burns so bad it hurts!
It hurts!

Breathe through it.

- Oh, my God.
- Shit!

- She's choking!
- I know Heimlich.

I will save your life,
Mia!

- You have to go higher.
- Keep it in the middle.

- Yes. Yes.
- If you die on my carpet...

Don't you die!
I swear to God.

It didn't work.

Here's some bread.
It'll soak it all up.

- Oh, that's a lot of carbs!
- It's only 20 points.

Here you go, honey. Milk.

This is what I do with Ryder.
Mama's feeding you milk.

There it is.

There you go.

It's goat's milk.
It's thick.

This is the first
motherfucking night...

since I had Ryder
that I washed my body.

I did my hair, I put on some
makeup to hang out with my girls...

instead of staying home eating wet
Cheerios stuck on my baby's crevices

and his thick little thighs.

Fuck you, Mia!

Fuck you!

Ooh, I pray for
the healing of this bootyhole.

Please heal this bootyhole.
This is bad!

Ooh.

I'm in here!

Yeah, that's you.
That's your fault.

I am so sorry again about
what happened last night.

I lost my mind for a minute.
I don't want to fight with you.

I just want us to work together
and make this deal happen.

Why the hell did you do that?
Barret's my best friend.

And he's brilliant, and he's
tender, and you hurt him.

We didn't have a choice.

It sucks for all of us.

No, but he was my person!

And I know he's never
gonna be my husband, and...

thanks to my therapist,
I'm learning to accept that.

- Would you like a hug?
- No! I don't want a hug.

What are you doing?

What is wrong with you?
Yes, of course I would like a hug.

I don't know
why you wouldn't know that.

Surprise!

It's the angry carrot.
What can I get you? Nothing? Good.

Okay, girls, show me the presentation on the
two-sided lipstick idea you came up with.

Well, everything has
gotten a little sidetracked

because of what
happened with Barret.

Oh, my God!

He's not even here anymore,
and he's still slowing down production!

Come on.
Show me what you got.

So, here we have
two normal lipsticks.

And the idea is,
if we just join them together...

You just stick them
together like that.

Real hard, like they're,

you know, two dogs mating.

My Oviedo customers do not want
to think of the penis of a dog

rubbing on their lips
because it's disgusting.

Yes, disgusting.

Two dogs copulating?
That's what you came up with?

We're so off-track.
That's not what I meant.

This is appalling.

And it's your fault.

You cannot let the other one get
in the middle of the creative.

That one does the accounting.

You know her limitations.

You failed her!

- Uh, you blaming me for the dog-sex lipstick?
- Yeah.

I don't know what you want,
but this is not how you're gonna get it.

Wow.

I'm sorry. I loved dogs
when I was little.

I mean, not their dicks, but...

I bet that little bag
is made out of his foreskin.

I think
we really disappointed her.

Take a Lyft!

Hey. So Claire's decided to bring a
different company to the launch party

instead of you.

- Whoa, whoa, what?
- What bitch is taking our spot?

It's actually two men. Straight guys.
You know them. Get Some?

She bought their company.

- Oh, no.
- Those Maroon 5-looking dudes?

Okay. You guys, they've actually
got a proven track record.

They created
the online-dating app PostD8.

What's PostD8?

It is a totally gross
and chauvinistic app,

where guys can go on and tell
women they've previously dated

what was wrong with them
to "help them out."

Yeah, I'm on it.

My landlord said that
my teeth are too sharp.

Why would Claire even want to be
associated with those pigs?

She didn't, okay?
That is why Claire is so upset with you.

She is a feminist!

And now, because of you guys,
she has to go with two dudes.

- That makes zero sense.
- Yeah.

Okay, I'll explain.
Good news, your debt is paid.

Bad news, Claire's
never helping you again.

And, per your contract,
you now have to give Claire

49 cents of every dollar
for the rest of your lives.

So, yeah, keep moisturizing,
'cause you're gonna need those looks.

♪ If your upper lip is hairy ♪

Are these the guys?

♪ You can fix it With a
blast of Poppin' Cherry! ♪

The lyrics
are beyond offensive, but...

the melody is beautiful!

Get some Get Some,
and you'll get some.

What happened to her whole
thing of mentoring women

to recreate her sweet rise?

I don't know, but she ain't
getting away with this shit.

We're getting out of this deal.
She's done messing with us!

I really thought she was gonna
take care of us. I believed her.

And she's such a lying...

snake!

Really?

- That's all you could come up with?
- What would you call her?

I would say that
she's a yeasty-ass, pussy-ass,

tomfoolery-lookin'
motherfucking...

I don't even know what tomfoolery is,
but it seem like something that fits her.

She got blue waffles.
You know what blue waffles is?

That's when your coochie looks
like it's from The Walking Dead.

'Cause she ain't shit!

Claire's in a meeting right now.

My Payless BOGOs are about to be in
a meeting with your ass... right now.

It's Claire.

What?

- Let us up there.
- Right now.

No. Maybe next time somebody
gives you an opportunity,

you'll step up your pussies
instead of wasting it.

Ta-ta!

- Come on, girl.
- Go, go, go.

Marcus, get them.

- We coming for you, Claire!
- Come back here!

Stand down, sir.
Thank you, sir. Stand down.

Let's not make this hard,
ladies.

Thank you very much,
sir! Goodbye!

What the fuck?

Go, go, go, go.

Stop right there!

We're coming to meet with Claire.
Everything's fine!

- I think he could be dead!
- He's good. I saw his legs moving.

Oh, my God. Okay.

- Shit! Shit, shit, shit.
- Back, back, back.

Oh! Come on. Shit!

- There's been a misunderstanding.
- We're here to see Claire.

We're here to do services
on Claire Luna.

Yes! Yes, see,
we are gonna bleach her butthole.

And it's really big.

- That's why there's two of us.
- Exactly.

- You need to come with us.
- You get away from me!

- Ma'am?
- You want some, too?

- Son of a bitch!
- That was right in the nipple.

Get Claire Luna down here
right now or I'm gonna jump.

Pronto. What?

Yep, I am gonna jump.

Hey, hey, hey.

- This is for real. Yes, we will.
- This isn't funny. No, no, no...

We're gonna paint this whole
downstairs with blood, teeth and hair.

- Nope. Mia!
- Let's do it.

We are not bluffing.

Get Claire Luna right now!

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God, Mia!

Grab! Help me!

This is not what I wanted to happen, Mel.
Don't you fucking drop me!

Trust me, I got you!

- We got you.
- Don't you drop me!

I'm never gonna let you go.
I have you.

I fucking hate drones!

Ah, shit!

Grab the flag!

Come on, let's go.

I didn't kill your cousin.
It was suicide!

Help me, guys!

Oh, I'm so glad I been planking.

Come on.

Ooh. How you know this my favorite
position? That's my favorite right there.

Oh, my God.

What you doing here?
We're waiting for Claire.

I'm a tiny, tiny,
tiny, tiny...

bit impressed.

That's quite a scene
you made in my house.

- And I'm not sorry at all.
- Neither am I.

Actually, that's a lie.
I am.

Very sorry and embarrassed.

- I apologize for the both of us.
- Don't apologize for me.

Okay, I won't.
But I apologize for me.

Can you please
just give us another chance?

I don't want another chance.
I don't want to be in her world at all.

And here's what's about
to happen, okay?

You're giving us
our company back!

No problem.

You just pay me back the half a
million that I paid for your debt.

Plus interest. Plus $4,000
for the drone you destroyed.

You destroyed it.

Fine.

For the drone you were going to
steal and you made me destroy.

Let's just call it 600K,
shall we?

You can add this to my tab.

Was that "fierst"
enough for you?

I know the real reason why
you keep messing with us.

You can't stand to see two best
friends living their best life

and running
a business together.

It's the only thing
you ever failed at in life.

Do you think she's right?

No. No. No.

You're successful,
you're independent.

Who wouldn't want to be you?

What do you think, Mia?

She telling you
what you want to hear.

I think you're right.

And that's smart.

She knows where the power is.

I'm going to gift you
one last chance.

I host an event every month for insiders.
It's called, "Beauty and Bubbles."

You ladies are gonna do
a live tutorial there.

And if it's well received,
then you're back on track

and I will present you
at my launch party.

If you mess it up,
then you're out.

Thank you so much.

No way.

It's like she says no to
things just to piss me off.

I feel I have to walk on eggshells when
I'm around her, or she'll freak out.

You remind me of myself.

Oh.

When I was whiny
and weak and lame.

Remember my former partner?

- Shay Whitmore?
- Shh. We don't have to say the name.

That woman disagreed
with every single thing I did.

Eventually, I stopped telling her things.
I was keeping things from her.

Same! But I don't want to
do that with Mia anymore.

Then you have to stand up to her
like I did with Shay.

Nothing will change
in your company...

until you change.

- You feel me?
- Mm-hmm.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I need to talk to you.
We're going to Beauty and Bubbles,

and I'm not taking no
for an answer.

- I'm not going.
- No, you are going, okay?

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Ooh!

You can clean that up.

You been doing cocaine and
didn't ask me if I wanted some?

That was a lifetime promise.

Please.

You know that I won't be able to live
with myself if I don't at least try.

Okay, I'll go.

For you.

Hello, you fabulous women!

Welcome to my ongoing
series, Beauty and Bubbles.

Tonight we are going to pit two emerging
cosmetic duos against each other,

and you get to decide which
one will join my Oviedo empire.

From Mia & Mel, please welcome Mia and Mel.

What is this, Claire?

And from Get Some Cosmetics,
please welcome Greg and Ron.

- You guys look gorgeous.
- Get Some! Claire Bear!

Our gorgeous guinea pigs
are Layla and Lola Farrell.

Twins?

- Yeah.
- Whoa.

Okay, Greg and Ron,
show us what you've got.

Let's do this. Get Some!
Have a seat, milady.

You know, we are gonna
turn this face from "meh"...

to "meh-gnificent."

Mia? Mel?
Come on, girls!

Lot of blemishes. A lot going
on here. I think we'll do a max glam.

- How are you today?
- Good.

Good. Your skin looks amazing!
What do you do to keep it up?

- I drink a lot of water.
- That is the key.

When they get pissed off, it's over.

- Put some lips on you, and it'll be great.
- Smile for me.

- Okay, don't smile. Just do the pout.
- We don't fix teeth here.

What do you love about makeup?

I love how fun it is.
And you're like, "Oh, my God, I'm hot."

Who do you think is gonna crack
first, Mel or Mia?

- Your lashes are thickish and longish.
- Yeah.

You just need to shine a
light on them with a bit of...

- ...mascara.
- Mm-hmm.

- There you go. Beautiful.
- Thank you.

- No, I was talking about his technique.
- Thank you.

- It's beautiful.
- Right?

Now let's see how everyone did.

Mia and Mel,
walk us through Layla's look.

Yes.

At Mia & Mel, we're not about
painting it on. We don't like that.

We like to see it shine through.
Look at you!

Thank you.

Now, fellas,
show us your look.

Voilà.

Lola is a very cute girl,

but we knew she could
be a stone-cold fox.

So we started with an all-over matte
foundation to cover up her flaws.

Then, of course, we finished it
with our signature Get Some...

...Poppin' Cherry Lipstick.

Lola, Layla,
please come closer.

It's funny. It's almost like
a before and after, right?

Actually, we're not finished yet.
Sit down.

What? We did what we wanted.
Leave it alone.

We're not done. We just have a
little more work to do on our twin.

- Just give me a second.
- What are you doing?

- What is wrong with you?
- I'm fixing this.

You can't keep trying
to please someone

who keeps
screwing you over and over.

She's not your mother.

Mel, you are so right
about her.

She really is ruthless when
she doesn't get what she wants.

I see what you mean by always having
to walk on eggshells around her.

So that's
what you're doing?

You're sitting around talking shit
about me with Claire behind my back?

No, I just don't know how
to deal with you sometimes!

Well, you could've figured that out
a long time ago by just trusting me.

You don't have to deal
with me no more. I quit.

You just gave her
control of our company!

Hasn't been our company
for a long time, Mel.

That is not true!

The only reason
you ever wanted us to succeed

is 'cause you're obsessed

with what everybody
thinks about you.

You don't care
what anyone thinks.

You just do whatever you want to do.
You're so selfish!

- I'm selfish?
- Yeah!

I've been taking care of you

since the first day I walked
into your broke-ass home.

So I'm just a charity case? Huh?

I wish you'd told me that
so I didn't waste my life

trying to get you to do things
you're too scared to do!

This ain't about you
supporting me.

It's about you trying to prove
that you're not a nobody!

I'd rather be a nobody
than a bully.

I'm done with you
weighing me down.

This last 20 years
has been a waste.

You guys were right. We never should've
started the company to begin with.

Oh, my God, the only reason
that we were so bitchy about it

is because
we were so jealous of you.

It's true.
So much of my diary is designated

to feeling left out and jealous
of you and Mel's friendship.

You got to hang out every day
with your best friend.

We get to hang out with our families,
which is great, but sometimes...

We get to hang out with our
families, which is awesome, but

sometimes you just want to
be with your friends.

You two are gonna work it out.
You're like sisters. It's beautiful.

Yeah, Kim's right.

I mean, I don't know anything
about sisters as I'm an only child,

but it is beautiful,
and you will work it out.

Thanks, ladies.

I don't know.

What are you doing?

Zillowing.

I have to find more affordable
housing, as I am currently unemployed.

It's a knockoff.

Clearly.

I'm sorry, Barret.

We never should've
fired you.

You know,
I'm not mad that you fired me.

I know that Claire
gave you no choice.

What I don't understand is why
you never called me afterwards.

This is the first time
we're speaking.

And I suspect it's only because
you don't have Mel right now.

- I can't do this.
- Sit your ass down!

I ain't done with you yet.

Do you understand
what Mel does for you?

- She doesn't do...
- You have no idea.

Every day, she comes into the
store, she sets it up perfectly,

so you can come in and be a
whirling dervish of creativity.

And when it's all over...

she cleans up after you

so you can come back in the next
day and do it all over again.

And I suspect
it's the same at home.

I mean, she does put toothpaste
on my toothbrush.

Almost every day.

Hey, Syd.

How are you? That's a pretty dress.
Where's it from?

Oh. Yeah, I found it on a chain-link
fence out in front of the school.

Yeah.

It's been pretty dull
without you. Both of you.

Syd...

Mia and I aren't gonna
work together anymore.

Can I tell you something?

I just know that you're so scared
that you can't tell her anything.

So you can't
work anything out.

That's how this whole mess
started.

Fuck.

Come on.
You guys got to come back to work.

You do. I mean,
did you see this?

I found this
on the Get Some website.

Claire Luna is introducing a
new product at her launch party.

What?

She ripped us off.
That's One Night Stand!

You're gonna let someone
just take your best seller?

And your best friend?

I was just about to call you!

Where are you?
I need to tell you something.

I just left the store.
Where are you?

I'm headed towards the store.
I'll find you.

I have to tell you something.
I can't believe I brought that tiny...

What I have to tell you
is way more important.

No, it's not more important
than what I have to tell you.

I need to apologize.

I was so blind to everything you do.
You were right.

I was scared.
I was unfair to you, and...

I'm so sorry
I ever took you for granted.

I'm so sorry.

No, you were right.
I need to change, and I'm gonna do better.

I just don't ever
want to disappoint you.

You're my family.
You're my home.

I don't know
what I would do without you.

Girl, I didn't brush my
teeth for three weeks!

I'm so sorry I ever believed
anything she ever said.

I'm sorry I blew our chance.

We never had a chance!
You were right.

She gave One Night Stand
to the Get Some guys.

Ooh.

Nobody steals our ideas
and gets away with it.

You know what?
We're gonna break this bitch's back.

Thank you for seeing me.

Yes, Mia Paige,
how can I help you?

I have an offer for you.

A sweet-ass offer
that you won't want to refuse.

Let's move!

- Look at this crowd, baby!
- Oh, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the queen of cosmetic chic,

Claire Luna!

Hello, you fabulous women!

I just adore this event

because this is when I get to introduce
my debutantes to the cosmetics world.

Yeah.

These two are geniuses.

And together we have an
incredible new product to launch

that you ladies will lose your minds over.

Are you ready
to lose your minds?

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,

Mia and Mel!

- Yes, ladies, ladies.
- Ladies.

Thank you. We couldn't be
more thrilled to be here

and have the support of this
strong woman right here.

Thank you, Claire,
for supporting all women.

Thank you, Claire!

This is like hugging
a little Mexican Barbie doll.

- Like a bunch of celery.
- Are those Spanx?

It is because of you, Claire,
that we can stand here

and have the chance to share with you all
what we believe is the core of beauty:

Each other.

Mmm.

Friendship isn't
just about the high points.

It's about the low points, too.
And everything in between.

You really think you're gonna
get away with this shit?

Mm-hmm.

Um, do they judge me when I
get too drunk at baby showers?

A hundred percent.

But at the end of the day,

look at this skin,
look at this smile,

look at these hearts.
You know what I mean?

- I love you guys so much.
- I love you guys, too.

- Go do something!
- Like what? They're already on the stage.

- So? Go get...
- Hey! Hey! Let them finish.

Get rid of it.

- Can I have that back?
- Oh, come on!

I've got butt plugs
way bigger than you.

Fine, I'll stop...

Yours are made
of stone. Ow.

You pumpkin-spiced turd!
I'm gonna pull all this shit off!

Josh, Josh, Josh,
you're fired!

What?

You can't depend on no man
to bring you happiness.

That's my cue.

You're right,
and I really needed to hear that.

The happiness is on the inside.
We taught you that, right?

It sounds like such a cliché,

- but it really is true.
- It's the truth!

I mean, you're just
such an incredible friend.

And if I get hit by a bus on the way out
of here, I just want you to know that

he really was my best friend.

Ladies, we have a new product
for all you besties out there

who've been brave enough
to ride out the rough patches

and get stronger
on the other end.

This is "Ride or Die",
y'all!

A custom beauty kit that
allows you and your best friend

to pretty it up
while you break it down.

Where my besties at, huh?

We're the ones who stuck it out
through all that shit!

- Y'all know what I'm talking about.
- "Ride or Die."

Check it out, ladies.
See? Look at that.

They're a hit.

- Does this mean I'm still fired?
- Hell, yes.

Well, good luck trying to
find your purse without me!

I left it where it usually is.

Okay, I forgive you.

This is gonna be great
for Oviedo!

Oh, this is not
for your company.

Baby, I own you.

Actually, you don't own us.
You own Mia & Mel, the company.

You know, you were right.
One Night Stand is old news now.

So we've started a new company,
with a new partner,

and we're calling it Proud.

You're starting
from scratch?

What are you gonna do,
go door-to-door

and try to sell it
with your Girl Scout cookies?

Ha!

Not exactly.

Shay?

Hello, Claire.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You're trying to steal my girls
to get back at me.

No, I don't need to steal your
girls, because you pushed them out.

Just like you pushed me out.

Oh, my God,
I've had enough of that drama.

- Go talk to my lawyer.
- Shoo!

Oh, Claire.
You're still the same.

We were a great team. But you
always had to be right at all costs.

- Mm-hmm.
- And you haven't changed.

Even your face looks like
it hasn't smiled in 30 years.

- Is that supposed to be an insult?
- Well, yeah, to your soul.

Physically
you look great.

Obviously,
I overestimated you two.

You are nothing
but a baby and a bully.

You know what?
No, okay?

We're smart,
and we're strong,

and we're best friends,
and we love and respect each other.

And you know what you are,
Claire Luna?

You're a lying, manipulative,
conniving, backstabbing,

bucktoothed,
Jessica Rabbit-looking motherfucker!

Ooh, that is good.

You surprised me
with the whole teeth thing,

'cause they are looking crazy.
But keep going.

And you know what else you have?
You have Blue Waffles.

She has Blue Waffles!
This bitch here!

- No, I don't!
- She does.

- No!
- And you are not fierst!

And now it's our time
to celebrate. Come on.

- Now, who feels like feeling good?
- Hey!

- What do you think you're doing?
- Feeling good...

One, two, three, four!

♪ Left a good job
In the city ♪

♪ Working for the man
Every night and day ♪

♪ And I never lost
One minute of sleeping ♪

♪ Worrying 'bout the way
Things might have been ♪

♪ Big wheels keep on turning ♪

♪ Proud Mary keep on burning ♪

♪ And we're rollin', rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river ♪

They're amazing!

Great. You get to
watch me take their name

and make one billion dollars
with it, and you'll get nothing.

I don't need anything.

And technically,
they still own 49% of Mia & Mel.

So you'll have to pay them
$490 million.

Fuck!

♪ We're rollin', rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river ♪

♪ Come on ♪

Hey, hey, hey.

♪ Rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' ♪

♪ Rolling, Rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river... ♪

Ladies, I just got word
from distribution

that Proud will be sold
internationally by the end of the year!

That's amazing!

Okay, okay, now let's see
if you bitches been practicing.

All right, Barret...
how do you say "Proud" in French?

Fiére.

- Spanish?
- Orgullosa.

Uh...
That's Russian.

Spaghetti.

Italian.

Girl, we gonna have to
get you microchipped.

Toodles!

- Thank you, ladies. That's it for today.
- Great, thank you.

- Do not.
- What?

Come on.
Then just say it.

Are you gonna do this every week
for the next 20 years?

Twenty? We're stopping
this after only 20 years?

Say it. Just say it.
Just say it.

Okay, fine. I'll say it
if this is gonna make you stop.

- We did it.
- What?

- We did it.
- What? Louder.

- We did it! We did it!
- Yes? What did we do?

We blew up! We poppin'!
We blew up!

- Yeah, we did it?
- Yes!